Loss of an Adult Child

[Maddy6]

Pam: You have come through so much, and it is good to know that we here at BI have been able to help you make a step forward in your healing, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can imagine how you felt, with your surreptitious "flipping off." The sense of empowerment, however covert, was a boost that you needed and I am glad that you were able to get something out of it. Having to go through the hurricane and the results that turned your life upside down, along with losing your precious child, was definitely something that would have taxed Job. I am glad that you found your way here and glad that this site has helped you so much. I too had a bad experience with my work place when Mike died (along with the months previous to that, as he was 17 months from his brain cancer diagnosis until he left this earth). My boss felt that because he was married, I did not need to be a part of his caregiving team, and would not approved any time off for me to do so, and I had to finally go over her head, at which point I found out that in the rules for time off in such a situation being married didn't even matter. If it was your child, then it was covered for time off. (not paid, just time off for a viable reason). Mike's service was on a Wednesday, and my boss called me on Friday to ask when I was coming back to work. I told him, my voice shaking, that I would let him know the beginning of the next week, as I was too distraught at that moment to even think about it. He was not happy. I called them on Monday and told them I would be taking that week and would be back on the following Monday. He reminded me that the time would be without pay. After I was back for three months, my boss called me into his office and told me. He said that I wasn't doing very well with my work, and that he "really expected that you would be further along by now with this." (I had worked at this place for almost 8 years!) I did have another boss over him, who was a Witch, and I knew that most of his words were coming from her, but he did nothing to support me in her attacks on me. I went home that weekend and typed up a letter, citing all of my work over the past three months. I included how I had processed (in that time period) over 150 time cards, with only one error, and that was caught (by me) before I even turned them in. I also had ordered over $15,000 worth of supplies, and in the process had researched enough to have saved the office over $3,000 in the purchases. I acknowledged that I had had to leave the office on a couple of occasions because I just had to "get out of there" so as not to upset anyone else, and I had only taken time off for doctor appointments. I wrote that I had not had even one letter or document turned back to me for correction once I had delivered it to the author for signature. I had also not missed even ONE of my deadlines for my monthly reports, and I had stayed late on a couple of occasions to assist someone else to make their deadline. I put it all in writing, addressed to him, with a copy to the office Director, and to the personnel office. (I worked for the Federal government, so the headquarters was in DC). He never confronted me again. Earlier, just after Mike had gotten his diagnosis of "terminal brain cancer" and was told that he had less than two years to live, the office Director came to me and asked me "so, how is your son is doing?" (She knew his name but wouldn't use it.) When I told her that he was terminal, she said "Oh, well, really, aren't we all?" I don't think I have ever wanted to actually HURT someone in my life, but I wanted to strangle her at that moment. Instead I just walked away and went into the bathroom. This woman had no children, never wanted any, and was as cold as cold could be when it came to personal interaction. Once I had my papers cleared and my requests put in, I had people from all over the country contributing leave to me so I could be off to take care of Mike when he was in the last month of his illness. (The federal government has a program where others can contribute their annual leave to someone who met the criteria (either was sick themselves or had a close family member who was ill and needed their help). I had one guy whom I had never met, worked in DC, sent me 40 hours! Oh, man my boss was livid over that one. By this time, I had filed a complaint with headquarters, and when leave came to me, she had to send a copy to personnel and record it and its use, so that really bugged the heck out of her because of course it meant extra work for her. The others in the office were supportive of my requests and more than happy to "step up" to fill in for me (some even donated their leave to me), but that just aggravated her even more. Our only son Mike had been married for 6 months and had a 5 month old son when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and given less than 2 years to live. His wife was devastated, we were all devastated, and having no support from her added SO much stress to our situation.

Wow, sorry for the rant. I guess those things just kind of lay dormant in us, and when the trigger is pulled, they come flying out again. I have learned to live with it, have actually forgiven her for her ignorance, and hardly think about it anymore, but when something comes up that hits on it, it is right back again---so maybe I haven't really forgiven her, who knows?

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support to you and tell you that we here do understand, very, very much.

I was so glad to read of your statements that you are trying again, and that you feel as though we here have helped you. That is part of why those of us here for a longer time stay here, not only do we still need this site for our own grief journey, which of course, never does end, but we can help those who are new to this, who are reaching out and on shaky feet, trying to regain their footing in their lives, which they know will never be the same. Dee has said it before---we have left footprints for you to walk in, guiding the way, helping when we can, and just being here, always.

Got to go, hubby has radiation at 2:30 and I'm not even dressed yet. I will be back later to share with you all how great my birthday was yesterday. I really had a nice day, despite the "elephant in the room" and the physical absence of our son. But more about that later.

Susannah: Hope you are soon feeling better. Mariah, too!

love to all of you,

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....i am so, so sorry for all of the newbies....i will have to learn all of your names and your angel's names in time. just know that i am thinking of you and will hold your hands for this rocky journey. i am still walking on it myself....just past the one year mark and it is still a roller coaster at best. well, the worst, i can't describe in words.

PAM...i am so sorry that you are dealing with such an insensitive boss....of all the nerve. i hope the new job pans out and you have a better place to work...bless your heart.

Carol.....i'm sorry i missed your birthday....hope it was a good one. i know you and ralph are having to deal with so much right now, you deserve a little fun for yourself. let us know how much fun you had.....and RANT you must sometimes....so rant on, friend.

sorry i missed Bethany's heavenly Birthday, so let me say it now...HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY BETHANY....hope your mom felt your angel wings next to her.....

[Maddy6]

Looking forward to the day I see my precious Rachael again.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

It's been ONE year since god called my girls back to heaven......

Hi everyone, I haven't been here in a while. I've thought of you all and am glad to see a lot of you still here. Being on here in the first few months of my losses help tremendously! I've been through so much in the last year. Today and last Sunday mark the one year of my daughter's Vanessa and Kailey's death.

It's hard enough to loss one child but, when you loss two three days apart it feels like you are being condemned to an eternity of hell! My heart was hit by a double barrel shot gun, leaving it dead and full of holes! So little did I know in those days preceding their deaths...... I never would have thought that I would be planning a double funeral in the days that laid ahead..... If only I knew the future, there would have been so many things I Would have said and done.

Hitting the one year mark seems almost as bad if not worse then when it happen! I guess because your so numb and in a fog in the beginning. Then at the one year mark you are experiencing the permanency of it all. There are times when I feel like I'm not strong enough to keep handling it. It's so overwhelming and unimaginable that this would happen. I will never get over this or understand why God called for them to go back to heaven. I curse him for taking them away from me. I want my girls back, not in spirit but whole, in the flesh and blood, breathing and talking to me. I want the chance to see them live their lives, the way they should have. I want to see Vanessa marry someday and have children. My hopes and dreams for them are gone...... My future forever altered.

I've questioned God over and over again, as to why he would take two of my children so close to one another, without a warning or a chance to say I love you or goodbye.

I didn't think I could survive this year with the death of my two girls. But somehow, I have managed to survive...... I don't think that would have been possible without the prayers, love and support of my family and friends. Excluding the support or Love from my Husband. He has become more negative as the year has passed. Tonight as I'm sitting here writing this my husband is throwing a tantrum, yelling and slamming doors. He said, I need to pick and chose when I grieve and it can't be a time when its inconvenient for the living! Due to his selfishness through this tragedy I've learned to keep it all inside. I walk around acting as normal as possible and I grieve alone, in the dark late at night. He used to get mad at me when I would spend to much time on here or with any other support groups. So, I haven't had any "outside" grieving support for the last 8 months. I would have divorced him by now but was told not to make any drastic changes for the first year. We have tried marriage counseling, which only furthered my knowledge of our incompatibility. This will be the year of change for me. I'm no longer under the influences of other's perceptions. It's all about my children, me and what's best for us.

I will NEVER, EVER, FORGET the day my Angels put their wings on and flew back to heaven...... Leaving us all behind......

I Love and miss you, Vanessa & Kailey!

[aim630]

Kailey and Vanessa-Please send your mom a sign to let her know you are together and watching over her. Brush by her so she feels your spirits. Beautiful sisters always together.

[Guest msnher]

Lori - It was good to see Vanessa and Kailee's faces when I logged on tonight! I've wondered about you quite often. I'm so sorry for the rift/wall between you and your husband. I've heard that the loss of a child will either make or break a relationship. It sounds like yours is broken. You remain in my prayers. Vanessa and Kailee are never forgotten - not here.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

Lori-I was just thinking of you today, as well as some others who haven't been here in awhile. I didn't realize this was the one year angelversaries of your girls. Tomorrow will be my daughter Ashley's 2nd year angelversary. In some ways the 2nd year is easier than the first, although I think the shock wears off and you know it's real. It must have been so difficult for you to deal with losing Kailey and Vanessa a few days apart. I can't even imagine the shock and pain you felt. I am so sorry your husband is not a source of support for you. I know what they say about not making any big life decisions, but you deserve to be able to grieve in your own way, and not the way someone else expects you to. If a support group or coming here helps you deal in some little way, you need to be able to do that. I hope you are able to make the best decision for yourself and your other children. My heart goes out to you today, know that we are always here for you.

We are all stronger than we ever thought we'd be or ever wanted to be. I wish I could go back to September of 2009, before this whole nightmare started and deal with the little problems I had then.

Carol-I can't believe your boss was so heartless to say that to you. I shouldn't complain, I haven't experienced anything that bad, just wish they would understand what an effort it takes just to get up and get dressed everyday, and that maybe their problems really aren't that bad. I hope you had a good birthday yesterday, even though I know you are so worried about Mike. I loved the picture Cathy posted of you and her at the Red Sox game. It reminds me of Katie and I. She said the best weekend of her life was last fall when we went to 4 games in 3 days. Great memories. I hope Mike is doing ok.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Amy, Funny, you were just thinking of me and I posted tonight. I've been wanting to post for several weeks and have been thinking of so many of you. I was surprised when I started reading some of the posts at how many angelversaries there are around the same date. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you go through Ashley's 2nd year angelversary.

Susannah, The counselor I was seeing said "90% of marriages fail after the loss of a child, especially when the spouse is a step parent." I don't know how accurate her statistics are but she pretty much said mine was doomed due to the double death and his unwillingness to understand or support my needs. She also said that it would be detrimental to our children's mental health, not to suffer another loss like divorce so close to the loss of their sisters. So we vowed to keep it together for the sake of our little ones. This is why I turned into a closet griever......lol. I honestly don't understand why he gets so upset when I try to seek help through support groups.

Lily's Mom, My heart breaks for you! I'm so sorry you are going through this much pain.

[robyn]

My hero

2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days

[lilysmommy]

the blaming game... spoke to lilys dad for the first time in a while..i would email him sometimes to send pics i would find but never to talk...the first day few days i blamed him..i said it was all his fault..and if he had not cheated, we would have never left and she would still be with her original dr..i guessi wanted him to be in as much pain as me and i couldnt yell at the dr so i wold yell at him..today he said he used to think everyday what i said was true but hes learned that its not his fault..that hes passed it..he says hes the one person that knows what im goin thru...NO UR NOT!! you hadnt seen lily since thanksgivin..and that was another thing he couldnt get passed butnhes now realized that his love for her was strong enough to get passed that..why is he movin on.and im still stuck..its not fair!! why does he get to go to work everyday and not break down..i lost my job because i couldnt take seeing little girls..why is he havin another baby and i can barely care for my own kids.just some things that get me angry..im sorry..

[mysonrich]

Ashley, Ashley, Ashley !!!! Saying your name out loud.

Amy, a hug to you and know that you are not alone on this day. may you feel beautiful Ashley in all the beauty of this world that surrounds you.

[mysonrich]

We are all stronger than we ever thought we'd be or ever wanted to be. I wish I could go back to September of 2009, before this whole nightmare started and deal with the little problems I had then.

September 2008 for me. How much was just everyday BS. Thing is, I believe my son knew how we can become awash with matters and things that don't really count in the long run. Much more insight then I ever had .

[Guest msnher]

Remembering Ashley........holding you close, Amy!

Dan, did I miss one of Nick's special dates? If so, I'm sorry! You are so good about remembering all the angels. I hope you know your son is not forgotten.

Lori, I think, statistically speaking, your therapist is right. I realize my husband is the exception to the rule. I'm not sure I would have stood by him the way he has stood by me. I could now....now that he has shown me how. I hope you will continue to visit, read and post here. For selfish reasons, I miss your posts. I don't understand your husband's dislike for your support groups, either. I do believe there comes a time when we have to reach for the life perserver even when our partner chooses to tread water. This kind of grief is much too powerful to try to walk through alone. Even with loving support and understanding, grief will chew you up and spit you out. If there's no one there to help pick us up (until the next "chewing") we will be destroyed. I certainly understand staying together for the kids. Please remind me how old they are. If memory serves me correctly, they are quite young. Do you have any support from friends and family?

Lilly's mom - how old are your other children? I think you said, but my memory is dysfunctional. Blaming others is normal. I certainly hope you are holding the doctor legally accountable.

Robyn - She's beautiful!

Carol - I don't think I responded to your post. The grace and dignity you showed in your job is admirable. Of course, you are a woman of grace and dignity. I continue to hold you and Ralph in my prayers daily! How are the girls doing? How's Davis? Mike's boys? YOU - how are YOU? Hugs to you, my friend!

Karen - I'm not sure if you're reading still, but I think of you everyday. I dreamed about Shawn last night. The dream had no substance, just his face (the picture you have as your avatar) kept showing up in all my dreams. Interesting, anyhow. Love you!!!

Well, I guess that's about it from me for now. Mariah has a solo (flute) in the upcoming school concert this month. We are so excited for her! This month marks three years since we got them. Three years ago we didn't know where they were (neither did Stephanie). Three years ago at this time they were still living in pure hell. And, this month - she's playing a solo. She remains my hero!

Much love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lilysmommy]

i have twin boys that will be 7 on the 25th..i mean i havent abandoned them..theres just certin things i cant do with them..like go to birthday parties..im so used to it bein the 4 of us..even if we were goin to the mall it was all 4 of us..im physically there for them but i know im not emotionally there for them..and yess we are holding him legal..in the middle ofvthe lawsuit..should be gettin an update today..fingers crossed..

[Guest msnher]

Lilly's mommy - I understand. We do what we can with what we have. Baby steps.

I have to get off the computer and get busy. Prayers to all!

[Maddy6]

Lilysmommy,My heart breaks for you. I also experienced pain when I interacted with my other children. When the mom feelings surfaced it reopened searing wounds with memories of Rachael. It was horrible. I was was trying to survive and emotionally became disconnected from my other kids because of the pain. Then I experienced guilt as time went on. I was a deadbeat mom in my eyes. I had gone from trying to be the best mom in the world, to being broken and destroyed and not much of a mother. Last year we took our son to a counselor and he talked to me. He immediately old me that what I had done was no Ursula, even normal. I have not talked to anyone on this site that did that, but another counselor I talked to also told me my behavior was normal.

[Kenn]

Good morning Maddy and Lilysmommy and everyone. I thought I would share from the perspective of the child, my experience. When my brother died I had gone up for the funeral. My brother had become such a wonderful man in his later life, and everyone loved him. His children, my sister's and my mother were so crushed by the weight of the grief they were experiencing. Being who I am, I felt like I had to stay strong and encourage everyone, even though my heart was also breaking over losing my brother. My mother wasn't able to go to his funeral because she had so many heath issues, and I tried to help her accept things. I could see that she was close to having a mental breakdown. My telling her that my brother didn't hurt anymore wasn't what she wanted to hear at the time. She lost it and started screaming and calling me stupid, stupid, stupid, idiot, and things like that. My grief was immediately intensified 1000 fold, but I just told her that I love her and I would come back later. She has been a Christian for many years, and the next time I talked to her I reminded her that we as believers aren't like people who have no hope. We know he is in a better place where there are no tears, and he wouldn't want to come back. We will see him again someday. I'm not sure if that reminder was the turning point or not, but my mother has tried so hard to show me how much she loves me. She is in her 80's so her mind isn't always what it should be anyway, and the trauma of losing her favorite son was enough to push her over the line. I do understand her hurt and why she said the things she did. However the whole experience sent me into a depression that caused me to make my own mistakes, and now I have to forgive myself for doing things I shouldn't have done either. I'm so blessed to know I have a mother who loves me, and I'm so glad I was able to understand that she was so sick and said things that she would have never said in her right mind. However even all my self talk didn't prevent the feeling that some of her words came from the heart, so I live thinking that my actions in the past caused my mother to go off on me that way in her moment of severe grief. It kinda makes a man feel like a broken horse if you know what I mean. I was in my 50's when it happened and it was debilitating in some ways even for an old man like me, I can imagine how children who has no understanding of why must be feeling. That feeling of little worth always comes to children when their parents can't find a way to see that they are hurting too.

Mother has since gotten it together and she has been able to make a mends with her children. I wasn't the only one she went off on, we all had to experience her wrath. Sometimes people can start feeling sorry for themselves to the point that they really do feel like the whole universe revolves around them. Only their hurt is what matters. Perhaps we have all been guilty of that. I know I have made some major mistakes with my own children. Part of my brokenness when Hannah died was the awful feeling that I had let her down, and didn't always recognize her need. I accept and own the mistakes of my past, but I recognize them and will use them to help me be a better parent and grandparent in the future. I do forgive myself for things I did but didn't intend to do that were hurtful to Hannah. I'm so sorry I couldn't give her the love she needed from me because I could only see my own needs. But I have learned, and I will not make the same mistakes in the future. Hannah would not want me to blame myself for not being perfect. She forgives me, and I forgive me. Now it is time to do a better job of recognizing that other people are hurting and reaching out to help them.

I pray that we all are able to always pick ourselves up and put a fake smile on our face and be strong for our loved ones who need us. My heart goes out to you guys. I hope you have a great day.

Lilysmommy,My heart breaks for you. I also experienced pain when I interacted with my other children. When the mom feelings surfaced it reopened searing wounds with memories of Rachael. It was horrible. I was close to being suicidal and they had to put me on medication. I was trying to survive and emotionally became disconnected from my other kids because of the pain. Then I experienced guilt as time went on. I was a deadbeat mom in my eyes. I had gone from trying to be the best mom in the world, to being broken and destroyed and not much of a mother. Last year we took our son to a counselor and he talked to me. He immediately old me that what I had done was no Ursula, even normal. I have not talked to anyone on this site that did that, but another counselor I talked to also told me my behavior was normal.

I want to say to you that, if you can fight it and overcome these feelings it would be best. It is 4 years now and I am trying to repair the damage I caused my children by my behavior. You see my brother died when I was 9yo. My mother never recovered. She emotionally disconnected. I never really knew my mother. She was there, but she was not "there." I resented her as a child. I felt like, what about me, you have other kids, what about us!!! Now, I know her pain, and understand. It is those memories that have forced me to recover. I realize what I did to my kids. I was in so much pain, I don't excuse it, but I did it. I am now fighting my way back trying to restore the hurt I caused them

BUT, it would have been so much better for them and me, if I had not done that. If I had somehow overcame those feelings. Please, please try to overcome, and be there for your other children. Do not do what I did. I caused so much hurt to my children that I am having to work o correct now. My children needed me and I could not see it. Had no one in my life to tell me that. Someone I bearly know on FB Told me. I know that is sad, but our situation caused us to be in that situation since we had just relocated from Hurricane Katrina when Rachael died, we did not really know anyone. When this person told me this it somehow clicked and I began to try.

Lilysmommy, please try to help your twin boys. Please try to overcome your pain. They need you desperately. They are hurting. They do t have a dado help either. My children do have a very good father in the picture, so the damage was not as bad as it could have been. Please try Lilysmommy. Do not do what I did. I have shame and regret. I cannot go back, just like I can't go back to before Rachael died. I added more pain on top of the pain my kids already had. Please, please try to overcome for your precious twin boys. They deserve it.

Love,Maddy

[Maddy6]

Kenn,That is smart to state things from the part of the child because when I was a kid and 9 yo and crying at my brother's funeral, people were coming up to my mother and asking her if I even knew what I was crying about. She would tell them no. I wanted to scream at these people, that they were idiots. Of course I understood my brother was dead! Did they think because I was a kid I was some kind of brain dead moron? I understood everything fully. As the years passed we were not allowed to say my brothers name because it caused my mother so much pain. My sister was not allowed to name her baby after my brother because it was painful for my mother. In fact, it was like my brother became perfect. My mother even told me I could not be friends with a kid whose brother had had a conflict with my brother as children. She told me I was not being loyal to my dead brother if I ignored her. Wow, even writing this, I am like wow, my poor mother did not have medication back then. She also had a terrible husband who was an alcoholic to live with. I know now the pain and heartache she lived with and I truly understand she was doing the best she knew to do. However, it did give me insight.

[lilysmommy]

Thanks to evryones advice..it really has helped me see things differently..everyone always kept tellin me..younhave to be strong for your boys but i didnt care what they said because they dont know what im goin thru..so how could i take advice from people who have never been in my shoes..but your stories have helped me..theyre bdays are coming up and they keep talkin about havin a party..i told my mom no..if you want to plan the party go ahead but im not goin to do it..maybe because of the guilt that i have for never gettin to throw Lily a real party..her first bday..her dad deployed and the day of her birthday we were packing..her second bday..no party but we did spend the weekend at the beach with some family..but Lily was so close to her brothers..she followed them everywhere to the point where when she would do somethin wrong to them..they would yell..."aaaaaaah lily"..so then everytime she did somethin wrong thats what she thought u were supposed to say..so as soon as you heard her say"aaaah lily" you know she did somethin wrong lol..so i know she wouldnt want me to not give them what they want..people always say..theyre young so they dont really understand..so when i would hear them talk..sometimes they would say..no lilys dead..and i would yell at them..its like ive cut them out of the grievin process..i dont talk to them about her..theres 2 songs that remond me of her.."in my arms instead" & " i wont let go".. well one day i was listenin to it on my ipad n jared was doin his homework when he jus started singin the songs with me..knowin all the words..and i asked him how do you know the words..he said cause you always listened to it when lily died and it makes you happy..i cant believe how awful ofma mother ive been..how selfish ive been thinkin knowin else is in pain but me..sometimes they just want to be in the room with me and i kick them out cuz i wanna be alone...so thank yu for lettin me see things from your point of view..from someone who has experienced it first hand..and i can actually believe you so today i will be back to the mother i was to them before..of course itll be hard..but i really will try..heres a link to a video her dad recorded one day..she gets my makeup and jewelry and starts gettin mad like if its justin gettin mad at her..

[westleysmom]

Ashley, Beautiful Girl, always loved and missed

Amy-My heart to you today especially

[westleysmom]

Lily's Mommy-Lily is precious. I don't know how difficult it is to be there for younger kids, since Westley was my baby and I have no more at home. We all just do the best we can. Hugs to you

Carol-Sorry I missed your birthday, hope Mike is doing okay today.

Lori-I'm so sorry I missed your angel dates. Good to see you. I'm sorry your husband has not been supportive, making something that is bad, worse.

Susannah-Hope you are all feeling better and don't pass around the bug like we've been doing here.

Robyn-She is a beautiful girl, I love all the pictures you've posted.

Going to the visitation this evening for Westley/CJ's friend that died in jail on Monday. I do not look forward to going, but we must. The service is tomorrow afternoon, and I may try to get to it, too. CJ is going to be a pallbearer. He is doing alright, only worked one day this week. He hasn't said too much about his mother's death, since it was in another state, but I know this has been the hardest week for him probably ever. Dee, thank you for your offer, please keep CJ and Cheree in your prayers that they are able to get through the services, and of course for her boyfriend's parents and other family. I have to go tonight if only to hug his mother, who now sadly knows our pain.

[robyn]

It's been ONE year since god called my girls back to heaven......

Hi everyone, I haven't been here in a while. I've thought of you all and am glad to see a lot of you still here. Being on here in the first few months of my losses help tremendously! I've been through so much in the last year. Today and last Sunday mark the one year of my daughter's Vanessa and Kailey's death.

It's hard enough to loss one child but, when you loss two three days apart it feels like you are being condemned to an eternity of hell! My heart was hit by a double barrel shot gun, leaving it dead and full of holes! So little did I know in those days preceding their deaths...... I never would have thought that I would be planning a double funeral in the days that laid ahead..... If only I knew the future, there would have been so many things I Would have said and done.

Hitting the one year mark seems almost as bad if not worse then when it happen! I guess because your so numb and in a fog in the beginning. Then at the one year mark you are experiencing the permanency of it all. There are times when I feel like I'm not strong enough to keep handling it. It's so overwhelming and unimaginable that this would happen. I will never get over this or understand why God called for them to go back to heaven. I curse him for taking them away from me. I want my girls back, not in spirit but whole, in the flesh and blood, breathing and talking to me. I want the chance to see them live their lives, the way they should have. I want to see Vanessa marry someday and have children. My hopes and dreams for them are gone...... My future forever altered.

I've questioned God over and over again, as to why he would take two of my children so close to one another, without a warning or a chance to say I love you or goodbye.

I didn't think I could survive this year with the death of my two girls. But somehow, I have managed to survive...... I don't think that would have been possible without the prayers, love and support of my family and friends. Excluding the support or Love from my Husband. He has become more negative as the year has passed. Tonight as I'm sitting here writing this my husband is throwing a tantrum, yelling and slamming doors. He said, I need to pick and chose when I grieve and it can't be a time when its inconvenient for the living! Due to his selfishness through this tragedy I've learned to keep it all inside. I walk around acting as normal as possible and I grieve alone, in the dark late at night. He used to get mad at me when I would spend to much time on here or with any other support groups. So, I haven't had any "outside" grieving support for the last 8 months. I would have divorced him by now but was told not to make any drastic changes for the first year. We have tried marriage counseling, which only furthered my knowledge of our incompatibility. This will be the year of change for me. I'm no longer under the influences of other's perceptions. It's all about my children, me and what's best for us.

I will NEVER, EVER, FORGET the day my Angels put their wings on and flew back to heaven...... Leaving us all behind......

I Love and miss you, Vanessa & Kailey!

Lori,

I'm new here, so I am new to you, as well. I read your post and my heart is breaking for you. I have two daughters, and if I had lost them both I can't say I know how I would react. Chrissy went home a little over two months ago.

The advice not to make any drastic changes for a year seems a wise one. Chrissy's Dad isn't even her real father, but he and the kids share a deep love for each other, and he was always more of a father to them than their real one. The night Chrissy died, and we were all camped out at her house, he sat in her dining room, alone, all night and sobbed. Cory, Bobby and even Chrissy's husband, wandered in and out of the room to talk to him and comfort him, but I couldn't do it. I had nothing for anyone. Since then, we have learned to lean on each other. Sometimes he cries and I hold him, and sometimes I cry, and he holds me. We came to realize just how much we both lost that night. Reaching out for another, when our grief is so overwhelming is a hard thing to do. But I have found that it has its rewards.

No one can tell you how long the pain will last- everyone is different. Chrissy left me with a great gift, my own faith and some of hers. She was a champion for Christ and her faith defined her. I keep hearing her voice, asking me what she always used to ask me when life threw a curveball, "What is He trying to tell you", or "What does He want you to learn". God doesn't view this life the way we do, and it isn't the way Vanessa and Kailey see it anymore, either. There IS more than this. It might be a cliche to think that death is harder on those left behind, but that is a cliche for a reason.

We don't always see what God's plan is, but there IS one and we are all part of it. For myself, if I had not had Him to lean on, I never would have made it. Chrissy was my rock, the one I depended on so much. She was that for us all, and now she is gone, but NOT "gone". I know I will see her again, in a place where we will never be separated again. You can have that absolute assurance, too. They are there, just a breath away and hear everything you say to them. They want you to be OK. And you will be.

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Thanks to evryones advice..it really has helped me see things differently..everyone always kept tellin me..younhave to be strong for your boys but i didnt care what they said because they dont know what im goin thru..so how could i take advice from people who have never been in my shoes..but your stories have helped me..theyre bdays are coming up and they keep talkin about havin a party..i told my mom no..if you want to plan the party go ahead but im not goin to do it..maybe because of the guilt that i have for never gettin to throw Lily a real party..her first bday..her dad deployed and the day of her birthday we were packing..her second bday..no party but we did spend the weekend at the beach with some family..but Lily was so close to her brothers..she followed them everywhere to the point where when she would do somethin wrong to them..they would yell..."aaaaaaah lily"..so then everytime she did somethin wrong thats what she thought u were supposed to say..so as soon as you heard her say"aaaah lily" you know she did somethin wrong lol..so i know she wouldnt want me to not give them what they want..people always say..theyre young so they dont really understand..so when i would hear them talk..sometimes they would say..no lilys dead..and i would yell at them..its like ive cut them out of the grievin process..i dont talk to them about her..theres 2 songs that remond me of her.."in my arms instead" & " i wont let go".. well one day i was listenin to it on my ipad n jared was doin his homework when he jus started singin the songs with me..knowin all the words..and i asked him how do you know the words..he said cause you always listened to it when lily died and it makes you happy..i cant believe how awful ofma mother ive been..how selfish ive been thinkin knowin else is in pain but me..sometimes they just want to be in the room with me and i kick them out cuz i wanna be alone...so thank yu for lettin me see things from your point of view..from someone who has experienced it first hand..and i can actually believe you so today i will be back to the mother i was to them before..of course itll be hard..but i really will try..heres a link to a video her dad recorded one day..she gets my makeup and jewelry and starts gettin mad like if its justin gettin mad at her..

What a sweet angel!

Please be kinder to yourself, you deserve to be. You will be surprised at how understanding your other kids are when you have days where you aren't that strong. They always seem to know more than we think they do! You aren't a "bad" mother- you are one who is grieving. It takes time, something else you should grant yourself!

Robyn

[hoosiermom]

Hello my Indigo friends

Feeling sad today.

Amy--thinking of your beautiful Ashley. I know what you mean when you said she was on the verge of getting better. So many times, Brianna had pulled back from the brink and recovered. At first I did not realize it really was the end, I remember holding her hand and telling her, "You've got to fight baby, you're very sick but you're gonna get better, Mommy is right here with you." It didn't happen

Today marks two years since my oldest daughter Justine lost her stepbrother Titus. I keep thinking the last time I saw him was at Brianna's viewing, and he hugged me, and I couldn't get over how tall he was, how grown up he looked. How could I have known that 7 months later, I would be attending his funeral and trying to comfort his mother? How is it even possible that two families so closely connected could lose two young people within such a short amount of time? I remember so well the phone call, Justine sobbing so hard I couldn't understand anything she said except "hit by a train", I remember it all in vivid detail just like I remember the last 24 hours of Brianna's life.

I'm sorry I don't have much to contribute today. Prayers and love to you all.

Jenn

[Kenn]

Lily is absolutely beautiful. I love the "aaaaaaah lily" memory. It made me smile because it reminded me of my beautiful daughter and some of the things she did as a child. Bittersweet memories that make us smile and cry all at the same time. Thank you for sharing your heart and helping me remember things that I hadn't thought about in a very long time. I would give anything in the world if I could have Hannah back as a child, and know how to enjoy the wonderful little things that she did that I just took for granted. She might object, because she would be smothered with hugs, that is for sure. I hope you are having a great day.

Thanks to evryones advice..it really has helped me see things differently..everyone always kept tellin me..younhave to be strong for your boys but i didnt care what they said because they dont know what im goin thru..so how could i take advice from people who have never been in my shoes..but your stories have helped me..theyre bdays are coming up and they keep talkin about havin a party..i told my mom no..if you want to plan the party go ahead but im not goin to do it..maybe because of the guilt that i have for never gettin to throw Lily a real party..her first bday..her dad deployed and the day of her birthday we were packing..her second bday..no party but we did spend the weekend at the beach with some family..but Lily was so close to her brothers..she followed them everywhere to the point where when she would do somethin wrong to them..they would yell..."aaaaaaah lily"..so then everytime she did somethin wrong thats what she thought u were supposed to say..so as soon as you heard her say"aaaah lily" you know she did somethin wrong lol..so i know she wouldnt want me to not give them what they want..people always say..theyre young so they dont really understand..so when i would hear them talk..sometimes they would say..no lilys dead..and i would yell at them..its like ive cut them out of the grievin process..i dont talk to them about her..theres 2 songs that remond me of her.."in my arms instead" & " i wont let go".. well one day i was listenin to it on my ipad n jared was doin his homework when he jus started singin the songs with me..knowin all the words..and i asked him how do you know the words..he said cause you always listened to it when lily died and it makes you happy..i cant believe how awful ofma mother ive been..how selfish ive been thinkin knowin else is in pain but me..sometimes they just want to be in the room with me and i kick them out cuz i wanna be alone...so thank yu for lettin me see things from your point of view..from someone who has experienced it first hand..and i can actually believe you so today i will be back to the mother i was to them before..of course itll be hard..but i really will try..heres a link to a video her dad recorded one day..she gets my makeup and jewelry and starts gettin mad like if its justin gettin mad at her..

[shorty16]

Hi all,

Dee had posted that 3 teenage girls died in a car crash in south-eastern wisconsin - I had not heard about the crash.... until today.

9 girls climbed into an SUV at 3am Sunday morning - ages 15-18 (they were at a sleep-over). After getting food and toilet-papering a house, the 18 year old driver was speeding down a country road, encountered a slight incline and went airborne. The SUV rolled several times and came to rest on its wheels in a farmers field.

2 girls died at the scene, the 3rd the next day. The driver walked away. No alchohol or drugs involved.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Even though Brian was on the hood of the car and these girls were not, they were screwing around speeding down dark, curvey wisconsin country roads. I am just sick. The visitation is tonight. I am not going, but I am just reeling for those parents. They are walking through a nightmare and cannot wake up.

Please pray for them.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[aim630]

Thanks to everyone for remembering Ashley's day.

Jenn-I also told Ashley not to worry, she was getting better, and would be just fine. The guilt I feel over that. I keep reliving the day over and over. Right about now, at exactly this time, 2 yrs ago, is when they called the code blue. I remember you saying your daughter's stepbrother died the same day as Ashley. I wonder if they met each other on the way to heaven. Silly, I know, but little thoughts like that keep me going. Hugs to you and your daughter today.

Lily's mom-Lily is such a beautiful little girl. My heart broke when reading your story. I know it is difficult to be there for your sons right now. I'm sure it will get easier with time. I feel guilty for the time and money I spend on my daughter Katie now, because I can't spend any more time with Ashley. I know Ashley would want me to do as much as possible for Katie, butI can't help myself from feeling guilty.

Just can't wait for this day to be over, maybe I will go to bed early.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

My heart is so sad for the death of those three girls; for Lilly who is so beautiful and sweet; for all the heartache.

I'm also angry as hell........that damn Baptist church is going to protest the funeral of those two little boys whose father blew them up. They claim their death is God's judgment on Washington for passing Gay marriage. Seriously!?

Today I met with a dear friend - she claimed I was a soft, kind woman pretending to be tough and rough. I guess it was psycho babble hoping the soft me would emerge. I'd like to have 10 minutes alone with the pastor of that church...I'll show him soft and kind.............

[Kenn]

Hey msnher,

My son-in-law is a baptist preacher, and I can tell you he is nothing like those people. Two of my brother-in-laws are also baptist preachers, and they are nothing like those people. You didn't even have to name that church, and i believe i know who they are. If they are who I think they are, they have several videos that prove their insanity on Youtube. In my mind they are a bunch of religious people who have lost sight of reality. God has nothing to do with what they are doing.

The very idea that people could be so insensitive to the feelings of a family who are suffering such trauma, is a witness to what they really are, CRAZY!!!!!

Sorry about that, I lost my cool for a minute there.

My heart is so sad for the death of those three girls; for Lilly who is so beautiful and sweet; for all the heartache.

I'm also angry as hell........that damn Baptist church is going to protest the funeral of those two little boys whose father blew them up. They claim their death is God's judgment on Washington for passing Gay marriage. Seriously!?

Today I met with a dear friend - she claimed I was a soft, kind woman pretending to be tough and rough. I guess it was psycho babble hoping the soft me would emerge. I'd like to have 10 minutes alone with the pastor of that church...I'll show him soft and kind.............

[ericasmom]

Amen on those loons who call themselves followers of God. Not the same kind of God that I talk to each day, that God would never want anyone to disrupt the funerals of innocent people for their far right twisted religious doctrine. ICK!

Hey, sorry for so little communication, just not able right now.

But I think of each of you each day and when I cannot sleep, I count our Angels naming them as best I can.

[Maddy6]

1328834187' post='83740']

My heart is so sad for the death of those three girls; for Lilly who is so beautiful and sweet; for all the heartache.

I'm also angry as hell........that damn Baptist church is going to protest the funeral of those two little boys whose father blew them up. They claim their death is God's judgment on Washington for passing Gay marriage. Seriously!?

Today I met with a dear friend - she claimed I was a soft, kind woman pretending to be tough and rough. I guess it was psycho babble hoping the soft me would emerge. I'd like to have 10 minutes alone with the pastor of that church...I'll show him soft and kind.............

[Maddy6]

1328834187' post='83740']

My heart is so sad for the death of those three girls; for Lilly who is so beautiful and sweet; for all the heartache.

I'm also angry as hell........that damn Baptist church is going to protest the funeral of those two little boys whose father blew them up. They claim their death is God's judgment on Washington for passing Gay marriage. Seriously!?

Today I met with a dear friend - she claimed I was a soft, kind woman pretending to be tough and rough. I guess it was psycho babble hoping the soft me would emerge. I'd like to have 10 minutes alone with the pastor of that church...I'll show him soft and kind.............

Susannah,I am so sorry you are sad over so much loss. I purposely have not followed the story on the little boys because I knew it would make me so upset.Also, I am sorry that Bapist church is doing that. They apparently are some kind of freaks who don't really know God and who God is. They lack compassion and should remember that the bible states, as you judge, so shall you be judged. Their day of mourning will come one day, and they will hopefully learn compassion. Who knows what happened in their lives to cause them to be such freaks and attempt to inflict pain on those who are hurting.

You have made me smile with your comments about the lady and psycho babble. I think I can relate :-)

Maddy:-)

[ericasmom]

ASHLEY

ASHLEY

ASHLEY

Send just a smidgen of the peace you have now to your Momma so that she can sense the beauty that exists for you. Help her to let go of the guilt so that she can free herself some and move forward in the sunlight of your love.

[andy88]

Happy 2nd Angelversary Ashley!! Sending love to you and hugs to your Mom.

[mikesmomrs]

ASHLEY...ASHLEY....BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER, surround your mom with your sweet essence and let her know you are always there with iiu

her.

Amy...thinking of you and sending strength and love to your heart.

[mikesmomrs]

Rhonda...I am so very sorry for this added sorrow and heartache in your heart. Sorry also for the sorrow felt by CJ and his girlfriend. Sending prayers your way.

[mikesmomrs]

Lori: So very good to hear from you, and my heart goes out to you as you continue on this path of healing. I am so sorry that you do not have the support of your husband on this path, but I am glad that you can come here and let us know how you are doing. Losing both of your beautiful daughters tore your heart wide open, and it is a very long journey you are on. I know that your sweet babies are with you, always, and pray that you feel their presence and sweet spirits about you.

Sonya (Lilysmom): I agree, Lily is such a beautiful name for your sweet baby. Thank you for sharing the cute video of her talking in the mirror. I could feel her sweetness jumping off the screen into my heart. Strength to you as you try to move through this grief and be there for your little boys. It can't be easy, but I do hope that you are able to come through for them, especially for their birthday. I wish I could be there to help you.

Lorri: You doing okay? I know this is a very difficult month for you, and my prayers and heart are with you each day. I pray your sweet Kourtney surrounds you with her love and spirit through the hours of each day.

Trudi (Micheal), Dee (Erica), Betsy (Rich), Kathy (Jessica) (holding you close in my heart as the 18th approaches), Colleen (Brian) (So very sorry for the three teens and their parents...prayers for them and their families, and for the girl who "walked away" from the crash), Susannah (Stephanie), Lynn (Kayla) (thinking of you as your sweet Kayla's birthday approaches...saw a car in front of me today with a license plate that read "KAYLA" and thought of you and her and sent a prayer for you), Karen (Shawn), Bonnie (Jason), Dan (Nick), Sherry (Davey), Greg (Brian), Diane (Nathan), Betty (Stephen), Marcia (Bethany), Leah (JaBoa), and all of those who I have failed to mention...I pray each day for some peace for each of us, even if only for a moment...those "moments" are our stepping stones on this path, and help to lead us through this journey where we will eventually find some joy and sweetness again in our lives. It will come, all of you who are new to this site, Kenn (Hannah's dad), Robyn (Chrissy's mom), Becky (JD's mom), Maddy (Rachael's mom), Rachael (Zach's mom), Louise (Jilly's mom), Sabs (Blu's mom), (so sorry if I left someone out), it will come...we who have been here a while promise...it will come. Your beautiful children will surround you always with their love and eventually there will come a day when the good memories outweigh the bad and you will actually smile when one of those sweet memories knocks on the door of your heart and softens some of the pain you've been carrying

I know that some of the newbies here do not know my story...my son, Mike, was diagnosed at the age of 29 with terminal brain cancer. They gave him up to 2 years to live. We were blessed to have had him for 17 months. I was very blessed to be designated his primary care giver, and spent the last two months taking care of him (with everyone's help) in our home, and his wife and baby would come for visits during the week and spent the weekends here with him (the two older boys visited often as well; they are from a previous relationship and did not live with Mike and his wife). We tried to fill those 17 months with love and joy, but there were times when the "elephant in the room" threatened to take away the joy we still had to share. Mike made sure that wasn't going to happen...he led us through those 17 months with courage and faith. At one point, just about 3-4 months before he passed away, he came to me and said "Mom, you can't die because I do." I have tried to remember that, but those first months (and first two years or so) it was very difficult to keep thinking of his request. He left behind a young wife, to whom he'd only been married for two years, and three young boys, at the time almost 2, 8, and 9. We have remained close to them, see them often, and consider ourselves so very blessed to have them in our lives. His middle son, Kameron, who is now 14, is a carbon copy of his dad in every way possible. It takes my breath away sometimes just to be near him. The older two boys are now each 5 10" tall and still growing. His youngest, Damon, (now 7) hardly knew his dad, but we've been blessed with a daughter in law who has made sure that he knows who his daddy was and knows all about his likes and dislikes. Now and then, Damon will see something or have something (i.e., a "bobblehead" stormtrooper from Star Wars at Christmas) and say "My daddy would think this was so silly and he would laugh his head off seeing this." Tears still come, and dark days still come around, but the pain has softened over time, and the memories are more sweet now than bittersweet.

If you would like to see a little about his life, his memorial website is http://james-michael</B>.virtual-memorials.com Working on this site helped me to get through those first months and I would work at it all night long when I couldn't sleep, because I didn't want to have to wake up again and have to remember "my son is dead" all over again. Keeping their memory alive is so very important to us and even though we meet people who may say stupid things like "Oh, I thought you would be over that by now," or "wow, but that was so long ago," we keep saying their name, keep remembering them, and let the world know that they lived. As Trudi has said "Their lives were about so much more than that last day," and that is what we strive to remember. I believe it was Greg, a dad here who lost his son, Brian, who told us (and I apologize, Greg, if I have the wrong person) of a guy he worked with who, upon learning that Greg was going to a Compassionate Friends meeting one day, said to him "But your son died three years ago, why do you still go to those meetings?" Greg answered "He's still dead, isn't he?" We go, we come here, and we speak of them, say their names, because they LIVED, not just because they have died.

I mentioned the other day that I would come back to share the joys I experienced on my birthday, which was Tuesday. When I left hubby at the door for his cancer treatment that afternoon, I parked the car in the garage and as I walked back to the clinic, I passed by two hearts, side by side, on the ground (water stains). When I went inside and sat down, the background music started playing "My Life" by the Beatles, which is the song Mike's wife had played for the beginning of his picture memorial that was shown at his service. On our way back to the car, I showed hubby the two hearts. I had had to park the car three rows over from where I normally park, and as we walked over to the van, we counted 8 more heart stains scattered about in a direct path to the van, including one that was actually a chunk chipped out of the concrete. On our way home, just before we got to our turnoff for our house, a red punch buggy convertible passed by us (for those new here...this is what I consider to be a way in which Mike lets me know he is around) Later that night, hubby and daughter Cathi, along with Cathi's two boys, had ordered in for supper and then surprised me with tickets to "Blue Man Group," something I have always wanted to do. Also, hubby gave me a USB thumb drive for my new Galaxy tablet, that is in the shape of a red punch buggy, red, of course (he later said that was the only color they had), and the headlights actually come on when it is being used! So, I had a very good day/night. We were actually able to put the "elephant in the room" of thoughts of what next year may bring (in so far as hubby's health and future) on the back burner, and just feel joy and gratitude for what we were experiencing at that moment, on that evening, as we created new memories together. Before dinner, Damon called and used his mom's Iphone to do a face to face call on hubby's Iphone to sing his own rendition of happy birthday to me. A true treat. (the other grandies had texted me earlier in the day) A blessed day. Thank you God.

My love and prayers to all of you.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Dee, Beautifully Said!

ASHLEY

ASHLEY

ASHLEY

Send just a smidgen of the peace you have now to your Momma so that she can sense the beauty that exists for you. Help her to let go of the guilt so that she can free herself some and move forward in the sunlight of your love.

Amy, I thought of you several times and hoped you found some kind of comfort to help you through Ashley's Angelversary.

Susannah, my children are Addie 6 years and Dominick 4 years old. I'm also a foster parent and have a 10 month old little boy named Jake and a 10 week old baby girl named Lily. After my girls died, I put my foster licence on hold and swore I would never take in another girl. 3 months later the agency was begging me to take in twin baby girls. I was freaked out and told them not to offer me girls b/c its to much for me to handle. This is why...... Before Vanessa and Kailey died, I had 2 young girls for 3 years they were reunited with their father. Three days later, I took in 2 more little girls. 3 months later my 2 girls died 3 days a part. Sounds like a riddle doesn't it. It getts better, 3 years ago my Grandmother died and 3 months after that, my Mother died! So the girl thing doesn't work for me......lol and I have no idea why everything is in groups of 3's. So, I took in 2 boy's (non-related) I had posted pics of them on here a while ago. Anyway, the older boy was adopted by a relative of his fathers 3 months later. I've had Jake for 9 months so I think the 3's curse has been broken! I have no clue why I took in Lily other then having a very strong feeling I needed to say yes. The agency called me and the first thing out of their mouth was, "I know you don't want girls but...... we have a baby and she really needs you!" It was a little over a week before christmas and she didn't have family to spend the holiday's with. She was born 10 weeks prematurely and has medical problems. Technically she would have been born this week. As it turns out she was a blessing! I needed her as much as she needed me.

Getting to this one year angelversary has really taken a toll on me! I've had a bad migraine headache with severe nausea from all the stress of this week.

[Kenn]

Hi Carol,

Thank you for being so kind to all the new people who come seeking the comfort that people like you have to offer. I love how you and others treat everyone like there are no outsiders here. We are all part of a family brought together by tragedy and finding comfort in each others experiences. Thank you for sharing your memories of Mike, and the awesome example he was able to be for his children before he died. In some ways he reminded me of my brother, and the wonderful man he became in the later years of his life. It seemed like everyone loved him too. The last memories we leave behind are the ones that truly count aren't they. I'm so glad he was able to gift you with so many wonderful memories. You were successful in helping him become a wonderful man whose life blessed so many people. Thank you. Have a great day.

Lori: So very good to hear from you, and my heart goes out to you as you continue on this path of healing. I am so sorry that you do not have the support of your husband on this path, but I am glad that you can come here and let us know how you are doing. Losing both of your beautiful daughters tore your heart wide open, and it is a very long journey you are on. I know that your sweet babies are with you, always, and pray that you feel their presence and sweet spirits about you.

Sonya (Lilysmom): I agree, Lily is such a beautiful name for your sweet baby. Thank you for sharing the cute video of her talking in the mirror. I could feel her sweetness jumping off the screen into my heart. Strength to you as you try to move through this grief and be there for your little boys. It can't be easy, but I do hope that you are able to come through for them, especially for their birthday. I wish I could be there to help you.

Lorri: You doing okay? I know this is a very difficult month for you, and my prayers and heart are with you each day. I pray your sweet Kourtney surrounds you with her love and spirit through the hours of each day.

Trudi (Micheal), Dee (Erica), Betsy (Rich), Kathy (Jessica) (holding you close in my heart as the 18th approaches), Colleen (Brian) (So very sorry for the three teens and their parents...prayers for them and their families, and for the girl who "walked away" from the crash), Susannah (Stephanie), Lynn (Kayla) (thinking of you as your sweet Kayla's birthday approaches...saw a car in front of me today with a license plate that read "KAYLA" and thought of you and her and sent a prayer for you), Karen (Shawn), Bonnie (Jason), Dan (Nick), Sherry (Davey), Greg (Brian), Diane (Nathan), Betty (Stephen), Marcia (Bethany), Leah (JaBoa), and all of those who I have failed to mention...I pray each day for some peace for each of us, even if only for a moment...those "moments" are our stepping stones on this path, and help to lead us through this journey where we will eventually find some joy and sweetness again in our lives. It will come, all of you who are new to this site, Kenn (Hannah's dad), Robyn (Chrissy's mom), Becky (JD's mom), Maddy (Rachael's mom), Rachael (Zach's mom), Louise (Jilly's mom), Sabs (Blu's mom), (so sorry if I left someone out), it will come...we who have been here a while promise...it will come. Your beautiful children will surround you always with their love and eventually there will come a day when the good memories outweigh the bad and you will actually smile when one of those sweet memories knocks on the door of your heart and softens some of the pain you've been carrying

My love and prayers to all of you.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I know I have not been posting lately however I do check in often and pray for us all each day.

I also visit the Never Lose Faith Memorial Board that Dan has set up for us.I light a candle in memory of all our angels and just sit with my many rememmories of this Board

The last few days I am not able to access the site I am directed to a never lose faith weight loss site.

Dan if you see this can you shed some light i so enjoy visiting your site.

Rhonda, Carol, Betsy, Dee, Trudi Susannah, Jeah Amy and all Indigos In my thoughts always

Thanks

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Kayla, Kayla , Kayla Remembering your special spirit today

[Guest msnher]

Dee - holding you close in thought and prayer!

Lynn - Remembering Kayla today and everyday!

Heydaddy - The Westboro Baptist church. Yes, they are a club unto themselves.

Carol - I not only love that Mike sends so many signs to you, I love that you SEE them! I think all our angels make their presence known to us, but we don't see...anyway, I'm sure I've missed a lot of Stephanie's signs.

Betty -- Another woman with a heart of gold! Sure loved seeing Stephen's face this morning.

We have so many new people and I'm having a difficult time keeping names and posts straight. Please don't be offended if I don't respond personally to you. I really am an airhead.

This month marks three years since we were notified by the state that they had our grandkids. I may have already told you that. We have come such a long way!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Morning my Indigo pals,

It is snowing in Wisconsin - the most beautiful, huge snow flakes.

We have a picture of Brian standing in our back yard looking toward the sky and catching snow-flakes with his tongue. That is one of my favorite pictures of him. That made me smile today

Brian was very photogenic. I do not think that kid ever took a bad picture.

I am sending happy thoughts to all on this site. Please try to find one thing today that makes you smile.

Above is a memory I have of Brian that made me smile today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

[shorty16]

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

Saying your name loud and clear as we all celebrate the date of your birth. May the wind from your wings lift your family up today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

KAYLA you beautiful Angel, may your birthday show you the love that surrounds you each day. You are held close by those who miss your presence. Today your Momma is thinking of the day so special, that brought you to her. Blessings Kayla to you.

[mikesmum]

Good Morning Indigo's. For all those here who are approaching angelvesaries, birthdays and significant days that surround your angel I wish I had the words that ease the ache left behind.

So much is spoken of the emotional toll losing our children takes, but the impact on our physical well being is at time overwhelming. Headaches, nausea, panic/anxiety and lethargy part of this journey.

I do love the honesty here. There is no 'putting on a front'. Here its told as it is. I love that quote from Greg. Its basic. There are times when we are in a situation where sugar coating for the benefit of others is beyond us.

I remember running into someone I hadn't seen for years. Our kids went to the same school We were school mum friends. It must have been in the first year after losing Mike. We were in the middle of a shopping mall. There was the usual hi's then came the 'how's the kids'. I heard myself talk in general terms about Melissa then Steven. There was a pause for what seemed to be ages. I was shaking and felt really unwell. She asked 'and how's Mike?'. By this stage my 'facade' was cracked and crumbling. I managed to shout "Mike's dead". The look on her face said it all. My other half made a brief qualifing statement as he lead me to the door.

Now 5yrs on I can handle questions about Mike better. I have been desensitised by the book of 'OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT ~ DUMBASS'. I have also come to realise those who win the award of 'insentive of the year' come from the place of 'never had the experience'. Carol your boss probably gets the perpertual trophy.

Well its a mild day with storms predicted. I am babysitting youngest sons puppy this weekend.

These pics have just been taken and they are for Colleen.

I am sending happy thoughts to all on this site. Please try to find one thing today that makes you smile.

Charlie snoozing on Muttley's bed.

Muttley taking advantage of the sun

Bless you all, Indigo's

[andy88]

Happy Birthday Kayla!!!!!!!

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Today, I was interviewed for the first time by a local news crew that wanted a follow up of a story they ran regarding the petition to lower the speed limit on our road, where Jared was killed almost 19 weeks ago. I think the interview went well. I can't remember half of what I said. I was prepared for the information I wanted to put out as far as the speed limit, but when they asked questions about how I was coping with Jared's loss, I answered, and I hope I did him justice, but a coule of times, I completely choked, and it felt like the words weren't going to come out of my mouth. It's been almost 5 hours ago, and I still have that feeling in the pit of my stomach, and the lump in my throat is not yet completely gone. They are going to air it next Monday and Tuesday night. I will send the link when they give it to me.

Going to bed. Didn't sleep at all last night. Thanks to all of you here who continue to share your souls. Even when I am too everything to post, I read, and countless times something one of you has said, or a poem that is posted, or a song, will pull me up to where I can breathe again, and manage to continue on. God bless you all.

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Kayla!

[Maddy6]

The YouTube video making the rounds on FB of the dad who shot up his daughter's laptop cause he found a rebellious note griping about her parents while he was fixing her laptop. It makes me upset by all the support he is getting.