Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Prayers for the teenage girls who died and those still injured in a one car accident near Milwaukee, Wisconsin this weekend. Prayers for the families and friends.

Prayers too, for the Powell boys of Utah whose Momma disappeared two years ago, (foul play) and whose Daddy purposefully blew up the house with the boys in it today. God Bless little Angels, I know that you flew into the arms of your Momma.

[robyn]

I miss her and what could have been....very sad :* \ just baked cookies with my 20 yo son. He craves spending time with me as he has sensed I have more of my wits about me now. As a teenager Racahel used to love to bake cookies with her brothers when they were younger. Brought back memories and missing her.

I'll bet they did- and did they make you smile? Now, you are making memories with your son! This is a good thing Maddy. And it's good that your son wants to be with you. That says it all about the Mom that you are. Cherish this, dear one.

Robyn

[robyn]

Prayers for the teenage girls who died and those still injured in a one car accident near Milwaukee, Wisconsin this weekend. Prayers for the families and friends.

Prayers too, for the Powell boys of Utah whose Momma disappeared two years ago, (foul play) and whose Daddy purposefully blew up the house with the boys in it today. God Bless little Angels, I know that you flew into the arms of your Momma.

Amen

[robyn]

Hi all. The pain is really hitting me strong today... Will I always think of my Zach in every moment of every day? I can not see something happy, something sad, anything really-- without feeling remorse that he is missing out on life. I feel so bad for him that his life was cut short. Then I think he may be happier where he is at and that I can't wait to be with him. Then I think of my children here that still need me. The thought processes that go thorough my mind on this journey called grief are so confusing. I am looking for answers that I may never find. I am staying close to God, but just don't understand why this had to be.

On a positive note, my daughter informed us that she is expecting. While she is young--still in college-- she is engaged. I want to be happy, and am trying. Today is the three month mark to my son's death. It is hard to feel happy. I wonder if I will ever feel that emotion to the fullest again.

Rachael,

My baby girl left 2 months and 8 days ago. A day never goes by that I don't think about her, talk to her, light her candle, and I don't believe that will change for the rest of my life. I don't want it to- I don't even want to stop the occasional tears. But here is what I have learned in this short time (probably because of Chrissy), God lifts you up and, even if He can't take the pain completely away, He can give you peace. Our kids are experiencing something that we can only imagine. We WILL be with them again. If you stop for a moment and reach out with your heart, you will feel your darling right there, telling you that everything WILL be ok. They love us and never really leave.

Love,

Robyn

[mikesmum]

Prayers for the teenage girls who died and those still injured in a one car accident near Milwaukee, Wisconsin this weekend. Prayers for the families and friends.

Prayers too, for the Powell boys of Utah whose Momma disappeared two years ago, (foul play) and whose Daddy purposefully blew up the house with the boys in it today. God Bless little Angels, I know that you flew into the arms of your Momma.

Amen Dee ~ To the arms of their mum. There must have been so much this man knew about the death of his wife and the future he faced. Bless these boys whose only crime was to be born to this parent. Congrats on the fund raiser. Kudos to John and his magic hammer.

News of a new baby so precious. Baking cookies, trying to be happy when we are sad....all part of this journey this new normal.

Thanks for the kind words about my early day ramblings. The poetry of our grief flows from somewhere deep within.

Been an up and down day...funnily enough nothing related to losing Mike. Sometimes think though that not having him around blows things out of proportion

[Jilly's mom]

‎78 days and counting. Most days it still doesn't feel real. It feels like she is on an extended vacation in Australia and isn't near a cell phone tower. Her room still looks pretty much the same. Her bed is still the way it was. I still expect her to come bouncing through the door. I was talking to another parent of an angel who wrote about the planning that goes into a funeral...

Call the family and friends, book a church,short or long service? What about flowers? Pick an outfit, pick the songs, which poems or verses? Scripture? Pictures? Transportation? Food afterwards? Where to sleep the guests? What special colors to pick? Picking special "attendants.?" Writing thank yous, being tired and yet not really sleeping. (and someone tell me, who was I before this experience? My identity has changed!) Doesn't that sound like I am planning a wedding or another joyous occasion? You have to make the same decisions for either. But the ending is different....so different.

I go to the cemetery several times a week. Sometimes I stand there. Sometimes I want to get down and physically claw at the ground. Other times, I just sit in my car and wonder what the divine plan is. I smile as I see the things people have left there, and my heart dances knowing that she touched so many lives. I marvel at how amazing her friends are...they continue to provide comfort to our family, and our love for all of them deepens every day. There are certain ones I will feel bonded to until my very last day on Earth. I am grateful to them. The sun sets in just the right spot, behind where her headstone will someday stand...when we get around to picking it. (not ready for that particular shopping day yet....)The numbness is starting to fade just a little bit. It hurts, a lot, for awhile. Then God gives me back some of the numbness again. In this way, He blesses us with sneak peeks at our future, moments at a time. He does not give me more than I can handle, although "you don't know how strong you are until you don't have any other choice." (oh the truth of that statement! I guess I don't know my own strength!) I see several episodes of some serious crying in my future before I am able to pick myself back up and remember that, in Jillian's own words, "everything happens for a reason. God is in charge." That's ok. Tears are a sign that you loved deeply. I will never be ashamed of them, and hope no one else is either. Some days they are tears of sadness...but one day, perhaps they will be tears of joy. I wish I could have another tummy hug, (or 1000) but I wouldn't wish her back from Paradise once she has experienced it...that would be cruel.....although I miss her with every molecule of my being.! She is so happy in the arms of not only God, but also in the loving arms of all those who have gone before her....and waited so patiently for her to arrive. She will meet up with old friends and make new ones. You know Jillian, she loved making new friends! And the babies.....oh the baby section of Heaven!!! She is such a baby hog! Lining up all those future babies for her friends, and her sisters....can't you just see it???She has already met my future grandchildren and great grandchildren. Will any of them have her brown eyes?

I know that in time, we will all be together again and I can have all the tummy hugs I want....forever and ever, until then..... I become a new person. The one I was before this has changed...and only God knows who or what I will become. I can be a better person, or a bitter person. I choose better, I promise you that, my sweet Jillybean. It may stumble and fall from time to time, but I promise, I will keep working on that!

[Guest msnher]

Diane - You're much stronger than I was. I didn't have it in me to even try to be happy. At least you try.

Dee - Amen to your prayer.

Jilly's mom - We had Stephanie cremated and her urn sits in my curio cabinet - front and center - surrounded by angel figurines, so there isn't a cemetery plot to drive to. However, in the beginning, I drove to her crash site every day. Sometimes more than once a day. I purposely avoid her crash site now. I'm not sure what's up with that.

I have to get the kids ready for school.

[Maddy6]

“you can never love someone as much as you miss them.” ~ John Green

You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you, Rachael. That's where I'll be waiting.- Mom -

[shorty16]

Diane – Trying to be happy is what life is all about for us now. But, as time goes on, you will know where to look for happiness and you will not have to try so hard to find it.

To have your daughter realize and acknowledge the fact that you are trying is really great. That is all that can be expected of us is that we try.

Robyn, Rachael – In the beginning, our brain is stuck on replay and all we think about is the death of our child. As time goes on, we allow other thoughts into our brains. First, just for a few seconds, but as we get stronger, we can think of other things for longer periods of time.

I am at 3.5 years and I still think about Brian 25-30X a day, if not more. But not all thoughts are bad. He makes me laugh also – I can visit the fact that Brian lived and rejoice in his being. My life after Brian’s death has not always been like that.

Dee – Congratulations on the money raised selling bird houses. I did not hear of the teenage girls in the one car accident in Milwaukee.

Did I tell you I am hosting the Feb. Compassionate Friends meeting? What a change from my first visit to CP ending in a 2 week crying session and I did not go back. After almost 3 years, I returned to a totally different feeling. I am now (somewhat) able to separate their pain from mine. Feb is memory night!!!

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[dwsmithrn]

here i am again, my indigos....after hal a night's sleep, i kept my precious little grandson this morning for a couple of hours. he is so adorable with his chubby, dimpled cheeks, infectious big smile and squeezable big thighs. he is the happiest baby i think i have ever seen. he is now 7 months old and very interested in everything around him. he is attached to his blue blankie and sucks 2 fingers. he does cheer me up, but also brings back memories of my nathan when he was a baby. some of the facial expressions, his hairline and attachment to the blankie. life is bittersweet sometimes in these months that follow the loss of a child...you find everything you see or hear or feel, someway reminds you of your child. you look for something that can ease your pain and sorrow through another child, yet you know it is not your child. you make believe in your mind, even for only a moment.

i sometimes, too, imagine that nathan is off on an adventure or a vacation to ireland, which was his favorite place to visit, and he will be calling at any moment to tell me he is back home now. i hope and pray and BEG that this is the case and i will once again have him home, safe and sound. i know this is not true. in reality, i know where he is....and he is safe and sound and 'home', where he truly belongs. he was sick, so terribly sick, and he knew it and god (the god that i seem to be so mad at) knew it and both were ready to take him 'home'. and that is where my baby boy is now. i want him here, with me....i so want him here....am i angry? hell yeah! but i know in my head that he is not suffering anymore. but my heart, well, my heart still can't bear the pain. so this is where the war comes in. the head and the heart are not seeing eye to eye, so they continue to battle it out. and still, neither are winning this battle.

i did not plan the service for nathan. we had him cremated, at his request in his will. the children and his best friend basically did the planning after reading his will. i was too distraught and in shock to even remember my own name. they set up an old fashioned irish 'wake' (party) sort of and it was just what nathan would have wanted. actually, it is what he requested. i am so ashamed that i can't remember it and no one thought to video tape it. i can't remember my own son's service. but, i do have his ashes, at least some of them. we took some of them and all of us distributed them into the majestic atlantic ocean, as he requested, and then we all got some and his best friend and his best friend's father made each of us a beautiful little box with an engraved plaque on it to keep. it is wonderful. i have him in my possession and he is also in the ocean, frolicking like he would love to do. but, he is also upstairs with the big man, happy and safe and healthy.

i wake up and wonder how did this all happen and how did i find myself here, without my child? how in god's name did he give me this horrific task? i can't handle this! i am not strong enough to do this! i'm not......

why, i'm still mad at god, so why should he trust me to handle this, this horrible, terrible, horrific, life-shattering, heart-breaking loss? i can't live like this. i hate this life i now live, i hate this journey and i hate me.

hope you all have a good monday.......diane

[RMoore]

Hello my indigo family: Wow, I've just gone back about 6-8 pages to check on the new people here, as I know I must have missed some of the new posts in these last weeks. It is difficult to keep everyone straight, so please excuse if I make errors when I post to someone. I wrote down all the new names, with your sweet angels name, and hopefully that will help me to "match up" and not "mix up."

Seeing some of our family here who have not posted in a bit, (Betty, Amy, Crystal and others) is also comforting, and I must apologize for my own absence of late. It seems that with all of the daily running back and forth to the hospital with hubby for his radiation and chemo treatments, mixed in with doctor's appointments, labs, etc., by the time I get home, it is an effort to just eat supper most days! We have only 8 more days of this part of the treatment plan, then we go for reassessment by the tumor board and see what the rest of the treatment plan will consist of. (for those new, my husband, Mike (also known to some as Ralph) has pancreatic cancer, diagnosed in November of 2011, and is undergoing treatment to hopefully prepare him for surgery to remove the tumor, as it is a fairly small size and they found it early. It is wrapped around an artery, though, and that is why they are doing the chemo and radiation first--to try to shrink it away from the artery. We have many people keeping him in prayer, and some of the the things that have happened have given us comfort that those prayers are being heard, for sure.)

I have been coming on and reading, keeping you all in my prayers as always, and of course, holding you all close in my heart. I should just come on and post a line or two each day, and I will try to do that...perhaps that will help in getting to know all of those new to this site.

I am so very sorry for your losses, and hesitate to say "welcome," but I am glad that you have found Beyond Indigo, as it used to be called, and is now Grieving.com. The people here offer comfort, understanding, love, and sometimes just an "ear" to all of us and each of us, and as others have said many times we "get it." I read earlier someone had said that they "want to tell everyone that my son has died" and I think all of us here know that feeling well. I can remember wanting to actually climb on our roof and scream it out to the world...MY SON IS DEAD! How dare you all go on as if nothing has happened...our world as we knew it has stopped, why does everyone keep going about their business, going to work, running errands, going to movies, taking walks? After finding this site, I learned that those feelings are normal, and I think that is one of the most important aspects of this site...we who lose a child (or children) come here and learn that whatever we do in our grief is what WE do, and to US, that is normal. There is no real "normal" for us any longer...our world has changed, and why wouldn't it? Dee has said in the past, our world changed drastically and forever when our child was born, why wouldn't that be so if our child dies and we are still here without them? We no longer have the same, whole heart that we had. Our hearts are broken and though healing over time will eventually take place, (and this time frame is different for EVERYONE) that break in our heart will always be there. A friend I met when I first came to this site, Claudia, who lost her precious son, Joey, wrote “I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings. Yet still, there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart.”

I have held on to this thought, and it has brought comfort to me. When I try to understand why my heart still hurts, even after over five years, I remember this statement of hers, and I can relax a little in my efforts and realize that my heart still feels "broken" because it is still broken, and always will be. Over time, our pain gets "softer," but never completely gone. We find, also over time, that we are comforted by our memories for the most part, instead of being haunted by them---in the beginning, most of these memories are at best bittersweet, and at worst, searing, painful reminders of what we have lost; that in remembering them, we are reminded that there are no more memories to be made. Eventually, they become the balm that eases our pain and allows us to breathe again. And another friend from early on, Trudi, who lost her son Micheal just three months after our son Mike left this earth, has written a statement that lives in my heart and allows me strength to move through my life..."their lives are so much more than just that last day." Susannah, also has added to my "treasurey of pain relievers" with her statement that she does not believe that our children suffered...that their precious souls are gone from their earthly bodies before those horrible moments of their death. (Susannah has posted about how her other daughter even had a very vivid dream about this very thing, and in this dream had seen her sister "lifted from the accident site" by the loving God who now holds her in His loving arms, whole, happy and healed.) I believe that our children are spared that pain, and that thought has comforted me, many, many times. So many others here have posted things, straight from their hearts, that have helped each of us at one time or another. I consider all of this such a beautiful gift, and one that helps, every day. It has been said here also that our angels are together, and have indeed led us all together to this site, allowing us to have the support and understanding that we need to move through our grief. And I do believe this also.

We have some birthdays and angelversarries coming up soon...Bethany, Marcia's beautiful daughter, her birthday is Feb 7; Kayla, Lynn's precious daughter, her birthday is Feb 10, and Kourtney, Lorri's sweet angel daughter, her birthday is Feb 27. Leah's angel granddaughter, JaBoa, has a birthday on Feb 20th. Kathy's beautiful daughter, Jessica's, angelversary is Feb 18. Please know that we will be with you in thought and prayers and sending our love to you on these dates, asking that your precious children allow you to know that they are about you, always, in your heart, and near you in spirit. In looking over these dates, I noticed that Nick, Dale and Dan's handsome son, had a birthday on January 31st...I don't remember if I was here and posted for that DAN, and if I did not, I apologize. You do such beautiful rememberances of all of our angels for their birthdays and their angelversarries...Nick is so very proud of you for the comfort that you bring to each of us. I hope that you felt his sweet spirit about you on his birthday, to remind you that he is with you, always. I hope I haven't left any of the near future dates out, but I don't have many of the dates for the new parents here.

Something that I did earlier to allow both dates for our son, Mike, to be front and center, is I have gone into the avatar and in the line where it asks for the angel date, I have put Mike's birthdate and angel date, so that both show up on the front, at each post. I think a few others have done this also, and since there are so many new people here recently, if you could do this, it would help I am sure.

Again, I am so very sorry to see so many new parents here, but I am at the same time happy that you have found this site...much comfort and understanding is offered and received here, and I am sure that you will find the same. The pain of your loss is fresh, searing, and difficult if not impossible to see beyond right now. But we are here to assure you that you will once again breathe without having to remind yourselves to do so, and you will, believe it or not, once again laugh. I can still remember the first time I laughed out loud after Mike died. I actually looked around to see who had laughed and when I realized it was me, I was overcome with grief and shame that I could laugh again, while my son is dead. However, I know that this is what he would want, and that each time I laugh, it is a reminder to me that he is with me, laughing also, and loving that I am laughing.

Sonya, Lily's mom...you seem to be the newest member here--tears fell as I read your post of your baby's passing. You have so much on your plate right now, and I send prayers to you that you will find the strength you need to be there for your other two children, and that the sweet memories of your precious Lily will allow comfort to you soon. My heart to you.

Susan: I hope you are okay. I know that dark place can be all-encompassing, and difficult to climb out of. You also have much on your plate, and I pray strength for you and for Ragan, to be able to find sweet memories of your Shannon to comfort you and allow you to breathe freely once again. I am so sorry that your husband is having more medical issues that complicate the ones already there. I know this is a daily struggle for you; my heart is with you.

Greg: I hope that the troubles with Alyssa's mom are calming down or coming to a good resolution. My heart to you, as you fight this battle.

Lorri: I would like to be there to be able to go to Walmart with all of you, and walk in wearing the "Wear Grey in May shirt." I am so sorry that you had to be exposed to such unkindness and lack of understanding.

Colleen: My thoughts are with you, my friend, as you continue to move through this grief, and share your good days with us. I hope you are doing okay, weather-wise.

Betsy: I hope you are doing okay, also. Have you seen Sarah lately?

Karen: How are you?

Diane: Holding you close as you now have seen that first anniversary of your Nathan's leaving this earth and followed so soon by his first birthday since leaving, you are overwhelmed with the grief that lives in your heart. The joy and the fun and the love that Nathan was part of while still here are still with you and always will be. The doubts and the guilt you feel are a part of this grieving process; we all have known them, and can understand your sorrow and questioning. My heart to you, my friend, sending strength for your days.

Trudi: Thinking of you my friend, and each day when Mike is summoned to the radiation room, I know that our Michael and your Micheal surround him with their spirit, as many times, both of the techs in there with him are, Mike and Michael.

Susannah: I am so glad that you were able to speak with Gary before you went to your son and that the talk you had with Gary allowed you to approach your son with a more open heart. I wish you well in your work in the rental, and wish I could be there to help you. Then you could come here and help me put my Christmas decorations away!

Betty: So good to see sweet Stephen's smile...I saw your fb post outside the opera...sophisticated and beautiful as always---Peter is a lucky man.

Amy: So good to see your sweet Ashley's smile...thank you for your kind words.

Rhonda: How is TJ doing? Thinking of you.

Sherry: Davey's smile always brings a smile to my face, and I thank you for posting so I could see it once again.

Rachael, Zach's mom; Kenn, Hannah's dad; Maddy, Rachael's mom; Kevin's mom (I apologize for not knowing your name--I looked in your profile but you hadn't listed it) Robyn, Amber's mom; Lousie, Jilly's mom; Becky, JD's mom; Robyn, Chrissy's mom; Dru, Broni's mom; Sabs, Blu's mum; Sonya, Lily's mom...thank you all for sharing your child with us---we all look forward to getting to know more about your beautiful children. (I likely missed a couple of our new parents; I am hope to get to know all of you over time.) We all share your loss, understand your pain, and offer comfort to each of you, and most of all, hope...hope and the promise that you will one day smile again...your children want this for you.

Hubby and I have been watching the weather out in the midwest, and seeing the terrible snowstorms that are attacking the area, we hope all of you who are in that area are staying safe and warm.

To all of my indigo family, thank you for being here...I am so sorry that any of us has a reason to be here, but I am glad that our angels have led us here, to find comfort, support and understanding and friendship as we walk this difficult road, and helping us to find our way a little easier.

Oh, I also wanted to mention that Davis has been doing really well. He seems to realize that it is up to him to keep himself on the right road, and that we are here for him to walk with him, but he has to take the lead, and he seems to be doing that. I pray he continues...each day is a success in and of itself, and we just move through them with hope in our hearts for each new day.

love to all, for those I've not mentioned, you are each in my heart, as always.

My Amber was tragically taken just before Christmas. Needless to say my brain barely works these days as much as I'd like to be able

to keep all of you straight I am a little overwhelmed keeping names, children , icons and stories in neat order.

I have made a few one on one connections here and am very grateful for the site as well as the enormous amount of Love

and understanding I have found here and no where else. I think this site and all of you is what keeps what sanity I have hanging on.

I am almost done reading a book my eldest daughter recommended I read "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. It's a fabulous read fro anyone

with faith or those who are searching for answers. To be totally honest I have never cared for the saying "God's will " or " God had a plan" .

Being used almost like a band-aid when someone passes.

I had an interesting conversation with a Rabi at the hospital when Amber was there, he could tell I was rather upset. My child was in ICU

for almost a week I think it was 6 days total but it all becomes a blur. Amber's main injury was severe brain trauma almost the same as Shaken

Baby Syndrome as the doctor put it. I was upset that some nurses were using the saying God's will yet when I asked them to pray or spoke

of perhaps receiving a miracle there attitude was there is no God !! I also could not understand why after THREE DAYS my child had received

tons of tests yet had NOT received a simple EEG.. I mean a CAT scan and all the other tests do not give BRAIN WAVES or BRAIN ACTIVITY ..

so WHY had that test not been ordered ? The Rabi gave me a short summary of "Gods Will" ( I am not Jewish but spent 2 wonderful months in

Israel in 1999) I had a lightning moment that I will maybe go into another time. After speaking with the Rabi he went to speak with the nurses..

I had been asking why no EEG to no avail in short it took THREE DAYS and a RABI to get a EEG from the time Amber came in to ER and then to

ICU I find that ridiculous. It then took two days ( I think maybe 3 to get two doctors to sign the results).From almost the moment I arrived at the

hospital Amazing Grace started playing in my head, it wouldn't leave . Even after we were told "In the state of California your daughter is legally

brain dead we not not legally required to do any more. (How we were told is again another story as we were not told together even though Amber's

Father's requested we be told together as I was passed out in the waiting room.)

Amazing Grace kept playing in my head. I think at first it was hope for a miracle then I think it stayed to comfort and help me not go crazier than I

was. Let me just say I am not what some call "Holy Roller or overly religious" but I very much believe in God.

I lost a brother to cancer back in 08 and I was mad at God indeed, felt very cheated out of time with my brother and then some. I said on the positive

side I can't be mad at someone or something I don't believe in. So for years I didn't attend church on a regular basis and was rather disconnected

from God. I can honestly say I have never been mad at God over Amber .. I have felt from the very beginning God did not do this to my child and I told

the nurse that. Amber being taken from me was the result of a stupid decision or lack of a decision on another persons part not God taking her. I went

a little further at some point and decided a drunk driver and alcohol is of the Devil .. The God I believe in would not take my child with a drunk driver.

I remember at some point being on the sidewalk in front of the hospital punching a tree, I stopped once I realized I was only going to hurt myself.

Three of us were standing on the sidewalk smoking ( a bigger crime in Ca than drunk driving it appears) and a lady cam walking towards us obviously

offended we were standing in her way and smoking on top of it all. Oh the look on her face and the gestures of disgust.. well it sure triggered me!!!

This lady walked all the way around us in the street and then up to the drive way of the hospital. As soon as she hit the drive way I lost it .. I got right

up in her face and screamed at her..

" Oh you don't approve of our smoking? My child id DEAD I wonder how you would handle it if your child was DEAD ?? She's laying upstairs DEAD !!

SHE'S DEAD MY CHILD IS DEAD !!! "She had a look on her face like I was nuts needless to say. I screamed at her some more " I'm crazy call the

paramedics lock me up take me away !!" She just kept walking . After she was out of sight I screamed a few swear words at her. I laugh and wonder

if she has nightmares of me screaming at her. I can't recall when Amazing Grace

stopped playing nonstop but it comes and goes now almost two months since Amber's passing. I don't know an official cause of death or even the official

date . I feel the crash is the date as she was DOA even though it was Police not doctors that told us that . We all find comfort in different ways and we all

grasp at anything we can to weave into the tiny pieces that eventually will form a blanket of some kind to comfort us.. there is nothing wrong with that.

In my family we are all different we need to respect and also share our point of view or opinions but not shove them down each others throats. Some of my

relatives get upset when I say the devil killed my Amber.. I don't believe we are puppets God gave us free will but by no means do I think God abandoned

her or Amber is in hell. God had Mercy God had Grace he didn't let Amber suffer.. and God will help me and my family get through this .. somehow

I hope I haven't offended anyone and I didn't mean to make this sound like a sermon .. thanks for listening

A,mer's Momma

[RMoore]

Hello my indigo family: Wow, I've just gone back about 6-8 pages to check on the new people here, as I know I must have missed some of the new posts in these last weeks. It is difficult to keep everyone straight, so please excuse if I make errors when I post to someone. I wrote down all the new names, with your sweet angels name, and hopefully that will help me to "match up" and not "mix up."

Seeing some of our family here who have not posted in a bit, (Betty, Amy, Crystal and others) is also comforting, and I must apologize for my own absence of late. It seems that with all of the daily running back and forth to the hospital with hubby for his radiation and chemo treatments, mixed in with doctor's appointments, labs, etc., by the time I get home, it is an effort to just eat supper most days! We have only 8 more days of this part of the treatment plan, then we go for reassessment by the tumor board and see what the rest of the treatment plan will consist of. (for those new, my husband, Mike (also known to some as Ralph) has pancreatic cancer, diagnosed in November of 2011, and is undergoing treatment to hopefully prepare him for surgery to remove the tumor, as it is a fairly small size and they found it early. It is wrapped around an artery, though, and that is why they are doing the chemo and radiation first--to try to shrink it away from the artery. We have many people keeping him in prayer, and some of the the things that have happened have given us comfort that those prayers are being heard, for sure.)

I have been coming on and reading, keeping you all in my prayers as always, and of course, holding you all close in my heart. I should just come on and post a line or two each day, and I will try to do that...perhaps that will help in getting to know all of those new to this site.

I am so very sorry for your losses, and hesitate to say "welcome," but I am glad that you have found Beyond Indigo, as it used to be called, and is now Grieving.com. The people here offer comfort, understanding, love, and sometimes just an "ear" to all of us and each of us, and as others have said many times we "get it." I read earlier someone had said that they "want to tell everyone that my son has died" and I think all of us here know that feeling well. I can remember wanting to actually climb on our roof and scream it out to the world...MY SON IS DEAD! How dare you all go on as if nothing has happened...our world as we knew it has stopped, why does everyone keep going about their business, going to work, running errands, going to movies, taking walks? After finding this site, I learned that those feelings are normal, and I think that is one of the most important aspects of this site...we who lose a child (or children) come here and learn that whatever we do in our grief is what WE do, and to US, that is normal. There is no real "normal" for us any longer...our world has changed, and why wouldn't it? Dee has said in the past, our world changed drastically and forever when our child was born, why wouldn't that be so if our child dies and we are still here without them? We no longer have the same, whole heart that we had. Our hearts are broken and though healing over time will eventually take place, (and this time frame is different for EVERYONE) that break in our heart will always be there. A friend I met when I first came to this site, Claudia, who lost her precious son, Joey, wrote “I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings. Yet still, there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart.”

I have held on to this thought, and it has brought comfort to me. When I try to understand why my heart still hurts, even after over five years, I remember this statement of hers, and I can relax a little in my efforts and realize that my heart still feels "broken" because it is still broken, and always will be. Over time, our pain gets "softer," but never completely gone. We find, also over time, that we are comforted by our memories for the most part, instead of being haunted by them---in the beginning, most of these memories are at best bittersweet, and at worst, searing, painful reminders of what we have lost; that in remembering them, we are reminded that there are no more memories to be made. Eventually, they become the balm that eases our pain and allows us to breathe again. And another friend from early on, Trudi, who lost her son Micheal just three months after our son Mike left this earth, has written a statement that lives in my heart and allows me strength to move through my life..."their lives are so much more than just that last day." Susannah, also has added to my "treasurey of pain relievers" with her statement that she does not believe that our children suffered...that their precious souls are gone from their earthly bodies before those horrible moments of their death. (Susannah has posted about how her other daughter even had a very vivid dream about this very thing, and in this dream had seen her sister "lifted from the accident site" by the loving God who now holds her in His loving arms, whole, happy and healed.) I believe that our children are spared that pain, and that thought has comforted me, many, many times. So many others here have posted things, straight from their hearts, that have helped each of us at one time or another. I consider all of this such a beautiful gift, and one that helps, every day. It has been said here also that our angels are together, and have indeed led us all together to this site, allowing us to have the support and understanding that we need to move through our grief. And I do believe this also.

We have some birthdays and angelversarries coming up soon...Bethany, Marcia's beautiful daughter, her birthday is Feb 7; Kayla, Lynn's precious daughter, her birthday is Feb 10, and Kourtney, Lorri's sweet angel daughter, her birthday is Feb 27. Leah's angel granddaughter, JaBoa, has a birthday on Feb 20th. Kathy's beautiful daughter, Jessica's, angelversary is Feb 18. Please know that we will be with you in thought and prayers and sending our love to you on these dates, asking that your precious children allow you to know that they are about you, always, in your heart, and near you in spirit. In looking over these dates, I noticed that Nick, Dale and Dan's handsome son, had a birthday on January 31st...I don't remember if I was here and posted for that DAN, and if I did not, I apologize. You do such beautiful rememberances of all of our angels for their birthdays and their angelversarries...Nick is so very proud of you for the comfort that you bring to each of us. I hope that you felt his sweet spirit about you on his birthday, to remind you that he is with you, always. I hope I haven't left any of the near future dates out, but I don't have many of the dates for the new parents here.

Something that I did earlier to allow both dates for our son, Mike, to be front and center, is I have gone into the avatar and in the line where it asks for the angel date, I have put Mike's birthdate and angel date, so that both show up on the front, at each post. I think a few others have done this also, and since there are so many new people here recently, if you could do this, it would help I am sure.

Again, I am so very sorry to see so many new parents here, but I am at the same time happy that you have found this site...much comfort and understanding is offered and received here, and I am sure that you will find the same. The pain of your loss is fresh, searing, and difficult if not impossible to see beyond right now. But we are here to assure you that you will once again breathe without having to remind yourselves to do so, and you will, believe it or not, once again laugh. I can still remember the first time I laughed out loud after Mike died. I actually looked around to see who had laughed and when I realized it was me, I was overcome with grief and shame that I could laugh again, while my son is dead. However, I know that this is what he would want, and that each time I laugh, it is a reminder to me that he is with me, laughing also, and loving that I am laughing.

Sonya, Lily's mom...you seem to be the newest member here--tears fell as I read your post of your baby's passing. You have so much on your plate right now, and I send prayers to you that you will find the strength you need to be there for your other two children, and that the sweet memories of your precious Lily will allow comfort to you soon. My heart to you.

Susan: I hope you are okay. I know that dark place can be all-encompassing, and difficult to climb out of. You also have much on your plate, and I pray strength for you and for Ragan, to be able to find sweet memories of your Shannon to comfort you and allow you to breathe freely once again. I am so sorry that your husband is having more medical issues that complicate the ones already there. I know this is a daily struggle for you; my heart is with you.

Greg: I hope that the troubles with Alyssa's mom are calming down or coming to a good resolution. My heart to you, as you fight this battle.

Lorri: I would like to be there to be able to go to Walmart with all of you, and walk in wearing the "Wear Grey in May shirt." I am so sorry that you had to be exposed to such unkindness and lack of understanding.

Colleen: My thoughts are with you, my friend, as you continue to move through this grief, and share your good days with us. I hope you are doing okay, weather-wise.

Betsy: I hope you are doing okay, also. Have you seen Sarah lately?

Karen: How are you?

Diane: Holding you close as you now have seen that first anniversary of your Nathan's leaving this earth and followed so soon by his first birthday since leaving, you are overwhelmed with the grief that lives in your heart. The joy and the fun and the love that Nathan was part of while still here are still with you and always will be. The doubts and the guilt you feel are a part of this grieving process; we all have known them, and can understand your sorrow and questioning. My heart to you, my friend, sending strength for your days.

Trudi: Thinking of you my friend, and each day when Mike is summoned to the radiation room, I know that our Michael and your Micheal surround him with their spirit, as many times, both of the techs in there with him are, Mike and Michael.

Susannah: I am so glad that you were able to speak with Gary before you went to your son and that the talk you had with Gary allowed you to approach your son with a more open heart. I wish you well in your work in the rental, and wish I could be there to help you. Then you could come here and help me put my Christmas decorations away!

Betty: So good to see sweet Stephen's smile...I saw your fb post outside the opera...sophisticated and beautiful as always---Peter is a lucky man.

Amy: So good to see your sweet Ashley's smile...thank you for your kind words.

Rhonda: How is TJ doing? Thinking of you.

Sherry: Davey's smile always brings a smile to my face, and I thank you for posting so I could see it once again.

Rachael, Zach's mom; Kenn, Hannah's dad; Maddy, Rachael's mom; Kevin's mom (I apologize for not knowing your name--I looked in your profile but you hadn't listed it) Robyn, Amber's mom; Lousie, Jilly's mom; Becky, JD's mom; Robyn, Chrissy's mom; Dru, Broni's mom; Sabs, Blu's mum; Sonya, Lily's mom...thank you all for sharing your child with us---we all look forward to getting to know more about your beautiful children. (I likely missed a couple of our new parents; I am hope to get to know all of you over time.) We all share your loss, understand your pain, and offer comfort to each of you, and most of all, hope...hope and the promise that you will one day smile again...your children want this for you.

Hubby and I have been watching the weather out in the midwest, and seeing the terrible snowstorms that are attacking the area, we hope all of you who are in that area are staying safe and warm.

To all of my indigo family, thank you for being here...I am so sorry that any of us has a reason to be here, but I am glad that our angels have led us here, to find comfort, support and understanding and friendship as we walk this difficult road, and helping us to find our way a little easier.

Oh, I also wanted to mention that Davis has been doing really well. He seems to realize that it is up to him to keep himself on the right road, and that we are here for him to walk with him, but he has to take the lead, and he seems to be doing that. I pray he continues...each day is a success in and of itself, and we just move through them with hope in our hearts for each new day.

love to all, for those I've not mentioned, you are each in my heart, as always.

My Amber was tragically taken just before Christmas. Needless to say my brain barely works these days as much as I'd like to be able

to keep all of you straight I am a little overwhelmed keeping names, children , icons and stories in neat order.

I have made a few one on one connections here and am very grateful for the site as well as the enormous amount of Love

and understanding I have found here and no where else. I think this site and all of you is what keeps what sanity I have hanging on.

I am almost done reading a book my eldest daughter recommended I read "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. It's a fabulous read fro anyone

with faith or those who are searching for answers. To be totally honest I have never cared for the saying "God's will " or " God had a plan" .

Being used almost like a band-aid when someone passes.

I had an interesting conversation with a Rabi at the hospital when Amber was there, he could tell I was rather upset. My child was in ICU

for almost a week I think it was 6 days total but it all becomes a blur. Amber's main injury was severe brain trauma almost the same as Shaken

Baby Syndrome as the doctor put it. I was upset that some nurses were using the saying God's will yet when I asked them to pray or spoke

of perhaps receiving a miracle there attitude was there is no God !! I also could not understand why after THREE DAYS my child had received

tons of tests yet had NOT received a simple EEG.. I mean a CAT scan and all the other tests do not give BRAIN WAVES or BRAIN ACTIVITY ..

so WHY had that test not been ordered ? The Rabi gave me a short summary of "Gods Will" ( I am not Jewish but spent 2 wonderful months in

Israel in 1999) I had a lightning moment that I will maybe go into another time. After speaking with the Rabi he went to speak with the nurses..

I had been asking why no EEG to no avail in short it took THREE DAYS and a RABI to get a EEG from the time Amber came in to ER and then to

ICU I find that ridiculous. It then took two days ( I think maybe 3 to get two doctors to sign the results).From almost the moment I arrived at the

hospital Amazing Grace started playing in my head, it wouldn't leave . Even after we were told "In the state of California your daughter is legally

brain dead we not not legally required to do any more. (How we were told is again another story as we were not told together even though Amber's

Father's requested we be told together as I was passed out in the waiting room.)

Amazing Grace kept playing in my head. I think at first it was hope for a miracle then I think it stayed to comfort and help me not go crazier than I

was. Let me just say I am not what some call "Holy Roller or overly religious" but I very much believe in God.

I lost a brother to cancer back in 08 and I was mad at God indeed, felt very cheated out of time with my brother and then some. I said on the positive

side I can't be mad at someone or something I don't believe in. So for years I didn't attend church on a regular basis and was rather disconnected

from God. I can honestly say I have never been mad at God over Amber .. I have felt from the very beginning God did not do this to my child and I told

the nurse that. Amber being taken from me was the result of a stupid decision or lack of a decision on another persons part not God taking her. I went

a little further at some point and decided a drunk driver and alcohol is of the Devil .. The God I believe in would not take my child with a drunk driver.

I remember at some point being on the sidewalk in front of the hospital punching a tree, I stopped once I realized I was only going to hurt myself.

Three of us were standing on the sidewalk smoking ( a bigger crime in Ca than drunk driving it appears) and a lady cam walking towards us obviously

offended we were standing in her way and smoking on top of it all. Oh the look on her face and the gestures of disgust.. well it sure triggered me!!!

This lady walked all the way around us in the street and then up to the drive way of the hospital. As soon as she hit the drive way I lost it .. I got right

up in her face and screamed at her..

" Oh you don't approve of our smoking? My child id DEAD I wonder how you would handle it if your child was DEAD ?? She's laying upstairs DEAD !!

SHE'S DEAD MY CHILD IS DEAD !!! "She had a look on her face like I was nuts needless to say. I screamed at her some more " I'm crazy call the

paramedics lock me up take me away !!" She just kept walking . After she was out of sight I screamed a few swear words at her. I laugh and wonder

if she has nightmares of me screaming at her. I can't recall when Amazing Grace

stopped playing nonstop but it comes and goes now almost two months since Amber's passing. I don't know an official cause of death or even the official

date . I feel the crash is the date as she was DOA even though it was Police not doctors that told us that . We all find comfort in different ways and we all

grasp at anything we can to weave into the tiny pieces that eventually will form a blanket of some kind to comfort us.. there is nothing wrong with that.

In my family we are all different we need to respect and also share our point of view or opinions but not shove them down each others throats. Some of my

relatives get upset when I say the devil killed my Amber.. I don't believe we are puppets God gave us free will but by no means do I think God abandoned

her or Amber is in hell. God had Mercy God had Grace he didn't let Amber suffer.. and God will help me and my family get through this .. somehow

I hope I haven't offended anyone and I didn't mean to make this sound like a sermon .. thanks for listening

A,mer's Momma

[rlolheiser]

I try to read everyday, I don't always make it. Just to darn busy.. but through those times my heart lies with our angels and you.

It seems whenever I am at rest (mostly at night) my mind roams.. I spend time in soul searching. The words I read on this site resonating in my mind. I think.. How crowded heaven must be.. there is so much loss in the world. I tell myself how very lucky I was to have JaBoa in my life in the first place.. that she was only on loan.. but the human need in me wanted her for so much longer.. I wanted to see the life she would have had growing up and to be a part of it..I wanted to see what all of our lives would have been if she hadn't been taken way to soon. I wanted to see my daughter stay off the drugs, JaBoa's sister have a life at home.. my mom not being here.. it is just self pity..cause I don't know if life would have gone the way I wanted it to be anyway.. I guess through it all I have learned nothing is a guarantee.. so I have to love hard because I don't know how long I have to love.

It brings tears to my heart when I see so many more people who have suffered the loss of their children. Sometimes when I come here I tell myself that I shouldn't be here.. after all it isn't my daughter.. but it was my grandaughter.. and I love her as my own. Never has anybody made me feel that I am not welcome.. you have all opened your hearts to me and for that I am thankful.

Carol, you are amazing, your heart is so pure with love for all around you. You have a great deal of stress and fear in your own life but always find time to give to us. Yes there are others too.. Betty.. Trudi.. Dee.. Susannah.. even words from those who are newer to this site has so much to give.. Diane, Rhonda, Susan, so many names that this old brain just can't conjur up in this short time I have here today. I thank you.. all of you... Lori, Kathy... Dan... everybody.. just thank you for being here

I am rambling.. I have rewritten.. probably shouldn't push send.. but will anyway.. just to let you know I am here.. I am ok.. and I keep you all in my heart

[westleysmom]

Betty-I am so glad you are doing okay and getting to ice skate. I could probably never stand up on ice skates, much less actually skate. It is always good to hear from you.

Carol-I hope that things keep going well for Davis and that Mike's treatments are helping and that you are taking care of yourself.

Diane-Hang in there. I think of you often and hope you are doing as good as you can.

Trudi-Thanks for the poem. It says what we all feel.

Dee-Teachers like you are worth their weight in gold. I'm so sorry to hear of the tragedies you posted about.

Leah-Just saw your post and went back to say hi. I know what you mean about wondering how things would have been if they hadn't died. I think we all do.

I haven't been posting much lately, one of the girls at my office has been out and we've been really busy and I just haven't been able to post, but I have still been trying to keep up with reading. The new ones here especially are in my thoughts daily. I'm so sorry that I haven't been able to be as supportive as I'd like to be. Around here, it seems that we all take turns, and I guess that is how it should be.

My heart is heavy today, though for CJ. CJ, (for those who may not know) is Westley's friend that was in jail at the time that Westley died two years ago now. My husband and I have kind of taken him under our wing, his own parents have not taken care of him and his sister since they were very young. Without too many details, (mostly because I don't have them) CJ's mother died over the weekend in a house fire. She doesn't live close by, so I don't know anything other than that. When my husband went by to pick CJ up for work this morning, he told him about it and said he wouldn't be coming in today. Chris called and told me and I went to the store and bought some things for breakfast and dropped them off at the house, but CJ and his sister, who had been there earlier, were not there. I left the food and started to work. Chris called me and said that CJ had just called him to tell him that his sister's boyfriend, who had been in jail for violating probation, had died during the night and they were at the hospital. This boy is probably about CJ's age (21 or 22). I called CJ to see if he needed me to do anything for him and he was devastated. He said they had talked to him on the phone last night and he said he'd been sick and they'd given him some medicine and told him to take it with water and nothing else. I'm not sure, but it sounds like his stomach had been upset and he'd been throwing up, or else why would they tell him not to eat? And then when they went to check this morning, he was not breathing. They had taken him to the hospital, and I don't know if they ever got him breathing again or exactly what happened. So, how do I comfort CJ? How do you explain the unexplainable? We all know the hell that this boy's parents are going through and it breaks my heart for them. And for CJ and his sister to be going through this all at once, it boggles my mind. Sometimes nothing makes sense, does it?

[westleysmom]

Dan-I'm so sorry that I didn't post anything on Nick's birthday. I always save the pictures you do for me of Westley on his days because they are so special to me. I look at them from time to time and wonder how did I get to be the mother of such a beautiful person? Anyway, I'm sorry that I didn't get on much last week and so missed Nick's day.

[robyn]

My Amber was tragically taken just before Christmas. Needless to say my brain barely works these days as much as I'd like to be able

to keep all of you straight I am a little overwhelmed keeping names, children , icons and stories in neat order.

I have made a few one on one connections here and am very grateful for the site as well as the enormous amount of Love

and understanding I have found here and no where else. I think this site and all of you is what keeps what sanity I have hanging on.

I am almost done reading a book my eldest daughter recommended I read "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young. It's a fabulous read fro anyone

with faith or those who are searching for answers. To be totally honest I have never cared for the saying "God's will " or " God had a plan" .

Being used almost like a band-aid when someone passes.

I had an interesting conversation with a Rabi at the hospital when Amber was there, he could tell I was rather upset. My child was in ICU

for almost a week I think it was 6 days total but it all becomes a blur. Amber's main injury was severe brain trauma almost the same as Shaken

Baby Syndrome as the doctor put it. I was upset that some nurses were using the saying God's will yet when I asked them to pray or spoke

of perhaps receiving a miracle there attitude was there is no God !! I also could not understand why after THREE DAYS my child had received

tons of tests yet had NOT received a simple EEG.. I mean a CAT scan and all the other tests do not give BRAIN WAVES or BRAIN ACTIVITY ..

so WHY had that test not been ordered ? The Rabi gave me a short summary of "Gods Will" ( I am not Jewish but spent 2 wonderful months in

Israel in 1999) I had a lightning moment that I will maybe go into another time. After speaking with the Rabi he went to speak with the nurses..

I had been asking why no EEG to no avail in short it took THREE DAYS and a RABI to get a EEG from the time Amber came in to ER and then to

ICU I find that ridiculous. It then took two days ( I think maybe 3 to get two doctors to sign the results).From almost the moment I arrived at the

hospital Amazing Grace started playing in my head, it wouldn't leave . Even after we were told "In the state of California your daughter is legally

brain dead we not not legally required to do any more. (How we were told is again another story as we were not told together even though Amber's

Father's requested we be told together as I was passed out in the waiting room.)

Amazing Grace kept playing in my head. I think at first it was hope for a miracle then I think it stayed to comfort and help me not go crazier than I

was. Let me just say I am not what some call "Holy Roller or overly religious" but I very much believe in God.

I lost a brother to cancer back in 08 and I was mad at God indeed, felt very cheated out of time with my brother and then some. I said on the positive

side I can't be mad at someone or something I don't believe in. So for years I didn't attend church on a regular basis and was rather disconnected

from God. I can honestly say I have never been mad at God over Amber .. I have felt from the very beginning God did not do this to my child and I told

the nurse that. Amber being taken from me was the result of a stupid decision or lack of a decision on another persons part not God taking her. I went

a little further at some point and decided a drunk driver and alcohol is of the Devil .. The God I believe in would not take my child with a drunk driver.

I remember at some point being on the sidewalk in front of the hospital punching a tree, I stopped once I realized I was only going to hurt myself.

Three of us were standing on the sidewalk smoking ( a bigger crime in Ca than drunk driving it appears) and a lady cam walking towards us obviously

offended we were standing in her way and smoking on top of it all. Oh the look on her face and the gestures of disgust.. well it sure triggered me!!!

This lady walked all the way around us in the street and then up to the drive way of the hospital. As soon as she hit the drive way I lost it .. I got right

up in her face and screamed at her..

" Oh you don't approve of our smoking? My child id DEAD I wonder how you would handle it if your child was DEAD ?? She's laying upstairs DEAD !!

SHE'S DEAD MY CHILD IS DEAD !!! "She had a look on her face like I was nuts needless to say. I screamed at her some more " I'm crazy call the

paramedics lock me up take me away !!" She just kept walking . After she was out of sight I screamed a few swear words at her. I laugh and wonder

if she has nightmares of me screaming at her. I can't recall when Amazing Grace

stopped playing nonstop but it comes and goes now almost two months since Amber's passing. I don't know an official cause of death or even the official

date . I feel the crash is the date as she was DOA even though it was Police not doctors that told us that . We all find comfort in different ways and we all

grasp at anything we can to weave into the tiny pieces that eventually will form a blanket of some kind to comfort us.. there is nothing wrong with that.

In my family we are all different we need to respect and also share our point of view or opinions but not shove them down each others throats. Some of my

relatives get upset when I say the devil killed my Amber.. I don't believe we are puppets God gave us free will but by no means do I think God abandoned

her or Amber is in hell. God had Mercy God had Grace he didn't let Amber suffer.. and God will help me and my family get through this .. somehow

I hope I haven't offended anyone and I didn't mean to make this sound like a sermon .. thanks for listening

A,mer's Momma

Amber's Momma,

First, may I say, don't be apologetic or embarrassed by anything you write in here. This site is full of some of the kindest people I have ever conversed with. They understand your pain as only fellow sufferers can and are more than ready to listen and embrace you.

My beautiful daughter went home a little over two months ago. We just got the final tox report and the medical examiner has found absolutely no reason why this healthy, energetic and joy-filled young woman died. She simply went to sleep and didn't wake up. But I DO know what happened: God determines exactly when we are born, and when we are to die; He doesn't always determine the circumstances as we make our own decisions, or sometimes, others make them for us, and we don't always see what exactly happened. Chrissy was the strongest Christian I ever knew and I can almost hear her asking me (like she did so many times) "What is He trying to tell you?" or "What does He want you to learn?" Our whole life is spent trying to find our way home, and to Him- this short, mean life is not our real one. Our children are experiencing an existance that we ALL will one day, and we will never have to be separated, ever again. You can know this with absolute assurance.

As to the clinical...An EEG is not the first test that will be ordered, generally speaking- it is usually, in emergent situations (like a trauma unit), pretty much the last. If there is swelling, the result might not be true, and if they are getting any kind of reflexive response, i.e. pupils, tendon reflex, etc., they might not be inclined to order one right away. But let me just say this- when I did rotation in the OB-GYN dept. as a student, one of the first things I was told about women in labor was "trust what the mom tells you". If you feel your date is truer than the hospitals, then I would agree with you. A mother's instincts are always the best, no one knows her child like she does. If they did a CAT scan on her and saw something like "shaken baby syndrome", then an EEG would not have been definitive. I could go into details about such an injury, but you really don't need it from me.

People sometimes fling around the phrase "God's will" without ever understanding what that exactly means. God defines the beginning and end of our lives, and knows better than we do, or ever could, how this affects the ones left behind. He knows our sorrow and never leaves our side. I so completely understand your anger. The police chaplain was at the hospital the night we lost Chrissy, and he tried so hard to help me, but in my rage I pushed him away and cursed God- something I have begged forgiveness for, since. Since then He has wrapped me in his love and peace in a way that no one can ever describe to you. You have to experience it for yourself, and He is ready whenever you are. My closest friend lost her son many years ago when he was only 7, and the first thing she said to me after that awful night was "She isn't gone- she is just a breath away and hears you." I believe this with all my heart. God is too. To forgive, especially ourselves, and accept His love and learn to lean on Him is the very best thing we can do for ourselves after such an awful loss. He has all the strength we need.

Amber is near, and she loves you and wants you to be ok. As hard as it seems to believe right now, you will be. And you just might be the one in your family with enough love to pull them together- you will never have a stronger support group.

Much love

Robyn

2 months, 2 weeks, 1 day

[aim630]

Rhonda-My heart goes out to CJ and his sister. I don't even know what you could say to comfort them, only that you can listen. Nothing makes sense, I only hope someday we'll have the answers, when we get to be with our children again. All you can do is be there for CJ. Westley is proud of you for helping his friend.

Thursday will be the Ashley's 2 yr angelversary. Sometimes it seems like it was just yesterday, and sometimes it feels like like it's been forever. A man at work who is slightly developmentally challenged asked me how I was doing, and he remembered that this week was 2 years. He apologized for asking me about it, because he didn't want to upset me. I told him it's not like I ever forget, so him bringing it up didn't upset me. I was really touched that he remembered, I have a feeling most people won't.

I feel bad for not being much help to others on this site. I'm glad Carol, Dee, Susannah, Trudi, Betty, Betsy and Colleen are always here offering guidance and support. I know I may not have mentioned someone, but you all mean the world to me.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[andy88]

Hello Friends!

I have had the worst week. I got a horrible performance review at work. I have worked at the same company for 25 years, and I have always gotten glowing reviews. Apparently in 2011 I really sucked. What did they expect??????? I was really proud of the strides I've made, how I always kept a smile on my face, and did the very best I could. The whole tone was like I had been slacking off. REALLY?????????????? I tried to explain that I couldn't remember things well because everything in my head was competing with ANDY ANDY ANDY ANDY. Her answer was, "I'm sure that must have been hard." Ya think? I thought it was completely compassionless and inappropriate. I was completely crushed. I was doing so well, and this just threw me into the pit again. I can't wait to get out of that group. I actually have something lined up already. On top of that, Andy's first angelversary is 2/11. I'm so sad, so tired, so disgusted. What is wrong with people? Thanks for listening. <3

Pam

[robyn]

Hello Friends!

I have had the worst week. I got a horrible performance review at work. I have worked at the same company for 25 years, and I have always gotten glowing reviews. Apparently in 2011 I really sucked. What did they expect??????? I was really proud of the strides I've made, how I always kept a smile on my face, and did the very best I could. The whole tone was like I had been slacking off. REALLY?????????????? I tried to explain that I couldn't remember things well because everything in my head was competing with ANDY ANDY ANDY ANDY. Her answer was, "I'm sure that must have been hard." Ya think? I thought it was completely compassionless and inappropriate. I was completely crushed. I was doing so well, and this just threw me into the pit again. I can't wait to get out of that group. I actually have something lined up already. On top of that, Andy's first angelversary is 2/11. I'm so sad, so tired, so disgusted. What is wrong with people? Thanks for listening. <3

Pam

Pam,

It has never ceased to amaze me how some completely tone-deaf people can become managers. I'm glad you have another opportunity, and pray that your next boss has a little more sensitivity. Forgive her for being so dense Pam. Her loss is your next boss's opportunity!

Robyn

[summergirl]

Hello dear friends, just a quick stop in to say hello - So sorry to once again see "new" here, how it breaks my heart. I have been keeping myself busy with some projects and Tavian....his birthday is this Saturday, the 11th and he will be 10 !!! Still hard to believe how most of you here have grown with him since he was just 5.....I will post pics of him on his birthday although we are still up in the air about what we are doing as he "just doesn't know yet"...lol...told him he better hurry up as he only has 4 days left to let us know...How I love that boy.

Had a meltdaown at work today, ended up in the bathroom sobbing.....gosh I have done that alot.....Missing my Jessica as I always do but when the Angelversary comes around it is the hardest for me.....I have found I can get through most other days, holidays etc pretty good but not the "Date" of her leaving us......I try not to go back to that day all over again but it is useless to try to stop it - I will relive those moments but I will also relive the 26 years I had with her, what a beautiful, wonderful world it was with her here, I will look at Tavian and I will see her smile and know I am blessed and I will also be thinking of all of you here and how you helped save my life, how you let me be who I needed to be when no one else would, how you comforted me when I was in that dark place constantly, how you taught me to take baby steps and just breathe....and mostly because you all know how I felt and you never gave up on me.....Jessica shines down on each of you and thanks you for taking care of her mom.....and I keep you always and forever in my thoughts and prayers....

My beautiful Jessica........Love this

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, To all of our new Indigo's, I'm sorry it has taken me so long to acknowledge you all, to extend my heart felt sympathy and though I never like the word “ welcome” to this place we share, I'll say that its “good” that you all found your way here. I did write to you all a couple of weeks ago yet found my words lacking, not enough, digging as I did to reach out, please know that I know you all , I know your children, parts of their lives and that of their death. Pull up a chair, type away. We are always here. There are times that our individual silence speaks later than our words.

My son Rich died in his sleep from cardiac dysrhythmia. He was 20 years young. Rich died 3 years ago and there are times I struggle mightily, this past month for example, there are also many days that I find the road smoother, a ray of sunshine seeps through and many days, it shines. Rich has one sister, Sarah,now 25.

Pam, I am so sorry about the review. I had a similar incident. After struggling for a year I was given a warning. Typed up nice and neat were the days I was absent the year following Rich's death. That black and white meant more to me then words could say,what others there could understand. My manager took one look into my eyes and told me to go home. Poor guy. Don't shoot the messenger huh. That you are able to take another position/location will be a fresh start after 25 years. It will go well.

Rhonda, running out of time at the moment but wanted to let your know I share in your sorrow, Cjs sorrow and that of his sister at the recent deaths of his mother and bf. I'm sure he know that you and your husband are available but please, care for Rhonda too !

[lilysmommy]

i find myself waking up every night in themiddle of the night..thinkin lily is next to me and im about to take her to the hospital..its not fair..im soo mad at myself..i miss her soo much and its just not fair..i only had her for 2 years..im too young for this pain..i dont have that kind of strength..i havent dreamt her in a while and i need to see her face soon..i need to see her happy so i can get this image of me waking up to her cold out of my head..everyone around me is tired of me crying and they think i should be over it already..its like theyre still goin on with their lives and mine has just paused..nobody seems to care that she slept next to me every night and now i cant even sleep next to anybody cause im scared the same thing will happen again..

[shea19]

i find myself waking up every night in themiddle of the night..thinkin lily is next to me and im about to take her to the hospital..its not fair..im soo mad at myself..i miss her soo much and its just not fair..i only had her for 2 years..im too young for this pain..i dont have that kind of strength..i havent dreamt her in a while and i need to see her face soon..i need to see her happy so i can get this image of me waking up to her cold out of my head..everyone around me is tired of me crying and they think i should be over it already..its like theyre still goin on with their lives and mine has just paused..nobody seems to care that she slept next to me every night and now i cant even sleep next to anybody cause im scared the same thing will happen again..

lilysmommy,

I am so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. I think I can relate to what you are feeling. My daughter passed in October 2011. I went to wake her up and she had passed on. From that point it was total chaos and the memory of that morning is stuck in my memory forever. I can't shake it no matter what I try to do. It is quite painful for those of us that have found our loved one and the memories are additional torture. I wish I knew something to say to make you feel better. The grief journey is so painful and others that have not experienced the loss of a child just simply don't get it. You are right, their lives continue uninterrupted by the grief we feel. It doesn't seem fair because we are so stuck in the moment of when we found our loved ones. Like you said, our lives are on pause and it doesn't seem fair that we should have to face such sadness that is never ending while others continue on with their normal lives. Quite frankly, there is nothing fair about any of this. I feel it every moment. I hope you will continue to come here and share your thoughts and feelings. Here, we are surrounded by love and understanding.

Love,

Kathy, Shea's mama

[shorty16]

Hello my Indigo Friends,

First - Happy Heavenly Birthday Bethany!!! She would have been 21 year's old today. Thinking of you Marcia, Larry and Baby Ellie.

Also thinking of my Mother today that left this Earth on this date 4 years ago. Our memories and your strength keep me going, Love you Mom

Second -

Wow, did Scott and I have a great weekend. We took Friday thru Monday off and spent Saturday night at the Pfister Hotel in Milwaukee. I would definetly do that again!!!

Third -

I am hoping each and every one of us finds something to smile about today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Happy Belly Button Day, Bethany! Marcia, I am holding you and her daddy close!

[Kenn]

Hi lilysmommy, my heart goes out to you because I recently lost my own daughter. The circumstances are very different, but the pain is the same. I thought I understand what grief was until i faced the death of my daughter. It has been hard for me to accept that I couldn't save her. After almost six months I have finally gotten to a place of accepting that I did all I knew how to do, and I can forgives myself for not knowing what to do to save her. Your love for your daughter impresses me so much, and you did everything you knew to do. You and I have the right to forgive ourselves and go on living. Time is a great healer, knowing that gives me hope. This is a storm and like all storms it feels like the sun will never shine again. When my daughter first died I thought I would never be able to smile again, but time and acceptance helped get my smile back. Believe me, the dark clouds will pass and the sun will shine again. Just knowing that I have a right to grieve through this awful pain helps me not feel guilty for doing what is normal in a situation like this. What you are feeling is normal, and I pray that God gives you strength and peace. God bless you Lily's mom.

i find myself waking up every night in themiddle of the night..thinkin lily is next to me and im about to take her to the hospital..its not fair..im soo mad at myself..i miss her soo much and its just not fair..i only had her for 2 years..im too young for this pain..i dont have that kind of strength..i havent dreamt her in a while and i need to see her face soon..i need to see her happy so i can get this image of me waking up to her cold out of my head..everyone around me is tired of me crying and they think i should be over it already..its like theyre still goin on with their lives and mine has just paused..nobody seems to care that she slept next to me every night and now i cant even sleep next to anybody cause im scared the same thing will happen again..

[hotrod]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET BETHANY

MARCIA HOLDING YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

HappyBday.bmp

Edited February 7, 2012 by hotrod

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Continuing my quest to lower the speed limit on our road where my son was killed on October 3, 2011. It is an uphill battle, but I cannot let it go.

[darlenestark]

One month ago today was my 26-year-old son Ali's funeral. He was killed on December 29, 2011 in a head-on collision with a truck on an icy road in Michigan's Upper Peninsula. In the moments before impact he reached back to the middle of the back seat where his six-month-old daughter River was strapped in her carseat. He must have used all his strength to flip her carseat over to the right side, and he shielded her with his body. The car was completely crushed, except for that back right side - he saved his baby's life...

Today has been a crying day. The tears streaming down my face won't stop. Reading the words of others on this site, I am unable to find words. The following is the eulogy I wrote for Ali, my beautiful son, beloved brother of my seven other children, guardian angel to his baby girl River:

Ali was born when I was 26 years old - half my lifetime ago. I remember the nurse said "It's a boy!" and then there was silence - no crying-screaming baby like I was expecting. He was quiet as a lamb, just looking around at his new world with those big beautiful eyes. At home he made it a full house - with two brothers and two sisters keeping him entertained, he smiled early and he smiled big. He didn't just smile with his face - he would scrunch down and pull his arms to his chest and turn his head to the side, as if he was smiling from head to toe - he was actually laughing. He rarely cried - he just made little "I'm unhappy" noises to let us know he needed something. His good nature and easy-going spirit were there right from the start.

The word “good” does not even begin to describe Ali – I used to tell him he was like Mary Poppins because he was “practically perfect in every way”. We all recognized that he was special early on – Ali knew it too but he never bragged about it. He was confident and self-assured, but humble and unassuming. He had a way of capturing the joy of living every day of his life. He was a shining star.

Tim was the one who taught Ali how to draw. Salah taught him how to be funny and silly. Yasmene was the teacher, with a classroom set up in her room and library shelves filled with books.

Ali was only about a year younger than Shamah - they were very close and were often mistaken for twins. Early on, Shamah and Ali both had speech difficulties - none of us could understand them, but they created their own language and could understand each other perfectly. When Ali was 3 he was tested for learning disabilities and we discovered that he had a genius-level I.Q. I volunteered every day in Shamah's HeadStart classroom, and Ali was allowed to tag along. It was then that his extraordinary abilities became so apparent - he was so much brighter than most of the 4 and 5 year-olds in the class.

Throughout his school years, his reports cards and parent-teacher conferences were always pretty much the same thing over and over - outstanding student, gets along well with others, helpful, kind, a joy to have in class, wish I had a classroom full of Ali's. In second grade he was admitted to the Gifted and Talented Program at his elementary school. He was an honor student in high school, but I never saw him crack a book. I asked him one time why he never had homework, and he said he did all his work on the school bus or in study hall. It was pretty much a given that wherever Ali went throughout his life, even among his university professors, he was the smartest person in the room.

When I think about Ali as a little boy, the one word that stands out is “joyful”. He rarely just walked – instead he skipped, hopped, and danced along the way. We called him Twinkle-Toes. At about age two, he started wearing his Superman pajama top all the time, and I made him a red cape to go with it. He wore it everywhere, even to school until first grade. He also loved his Batman, Ghostbusters, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle outfits, but mostly he was Superman.

One of our favorite stories about Ali was the time we started playing the Superman movie and watched him run to his costume stash, but by the time he came back dressed as Superman, we had switched to the Batman movie, and we watched him run back to change into Batman, only to return to find the Superman movie was playing. I don’t remember how long the Superman-Batman switch went on, but I remember that Ali was in his own little world, oblivious to the fact that he was entertaining us all.

He was always entertaining us – at about age 4 he mastered all of Donald O’Connor’s dance moves in the old movie “Aladdin”. He didn’t do things to draw attention to himself – he just did the things that made him happy, and as a result he made all of us around him happy too.

He loved our frequent trips to the Milwaukee zoo and museum and to “Mosquito” park for swimming and fishing and playing on the beach. We spent many summer days in Milwaukee park-hopping. I’d pack up the station wagon with kids and food and spend the day at playgrounds and pools and swimming lessons. Ali loved to run off by himself, letting his vivid imagination take him to far off places.

Our favorite activity was the Barnyard Friends Show, a traveling menagerie of farm animals with a guitar-playing singer dressed as a farmer who told jokes and sang songs like “Old McDonald”. Anytime they were scheduled to appear at one of the nearby parks, we would be there. The people who did the show became our friends, and they gave all the kids the opportunity to perform and show the animals. Ali would bring his toy guitar and wear his little farmer hat.

Ali was so happy when Omar came along – he gladly relinquished his “baby of the family” status. And it wasn’t because for the previous two years we had him convinced that a billboard advertising a local hospital with a picture of a bare-butted baby was actually him. Ali genuinely loved being a big brother – when Sloby and Zorana came along, Ali was their primary babysitter. He just enjoyed spending time with them – teaching them to draw and read and write.

Ali had a great sense of humor, and combined with his quick wit, he became a master of sarcasm. He also learned to run real fast to escape retaliation from whoever was the object of one his zingers. One of our all-time favorite stories was the time we were sitting around the kitchen table in Milwaukee, and I don’t remember what Ali said or who he said it to but he bolted toward the front door, tripped on those baggy wide-legged skater pants he always wore, and ended up on his hands and knees with our Alaskan Malamute Cobain on his back humping him. Ali was laughing so hard he couldn’t get up, and we were all laughing so hard we cried.

I remember when we moved in with my mother in Sister Lakes, sitting in the living room watching Jeopardy, one of her favorite shows. Ali was just an eighth-grader, but he could usually give the question before Alex Trebek even finished reading the answer. My mother had to start watching the morning version of Jeopardy while Ali was at school so she could at least hear Alex finish the answer. I was amazed at Ali’s knowledge base, and whenever I asked him how in the world did he know so much, he said he just knew.

Ali never once said “I’m bored, there’s nothing to do” – he always found something he enjoyed. In the summer with the windows wide open, whenever my mother and I would hear a group of kids down by the lake we’d wait for the sound of Ali’s footsteps coming down the stairs to go join in the fun. He was able to enjoy hanging out with others, but he was also able to enjoy doing his own thing by himself.

In Michigan he shared the upstairs loft bedroom with his four brothers – after Tim and Salah moved out, Ali became the leader of the pack, spending countless hours with Omar, Sloby, and Zorana. I remember all the times I could hear him explaining things to them – whether it was a homework problem or a movie plot or just the ways of the world, Ali always seemed to have the answers. I will never forget the sound of his laughter echoing through our home.

Ali is credited with coining the term “mom joke” - referring to my constant string of not-funny, corny jokes. “Mom joke” is said after anyone’s failed attempt at humor and has become a regular part of our family’s vocabulary – over the years our friends have started using the term as well.

Ali was so independent. He rarely asked for anything, and anytime I asked him to do something for me, he did it, even if he didn't really want to. I might have had to wait until the next commercial, but I never had to ask him twice. He first learned construction from helping his two older brothers. He spent one summer working at the Sister Lakes Community Church, volunteering hundreds of hours building their Family Life Center.

Even as a teenager, Ali never got in trouble - no teacher or bus-driver complaints, no police contacts, no complaints from neighbors. I take that back - there was that time the last summer he spent at Cable Lake when a neighbor asked me who had been down by the beach making all that noise the night before - she couldn't hear what they were saying, just the laughter echoing all around the lake. It was Tim and Ali - and Captain Morgan.

During the summer before his senior year, Ali was chosen as one of only a handful of students in the Upward Bound Program in southwest Michigan to attend a 6-week math-science program at Northern Michigan University. He loved being at Northern so much, he came back home with the intention to go to college there. I think I spent most of his senior year trying to convince him to stay closer to home.

When it came time to drive him up to Marquette, the car-rental place didn't have the mid-size car I had reserved, so they gave us the keys to a brand new Lincoln Towncar - Ali would arrive at his new life in style. The long drive went so quickly - with Ali as my navigator and his CD collection at the ready, we made the journey listening to and singing to all our favorite music. At Northern we found his dorm and met roommate Bobby, and with Ali settled in it was time for me to leave.

I never told Ali this, but I didn't leave Marquette right away - I drove around for half an hour and found myself right back in the parking lot outside his dorm. I just wasn't ready to leave him. I sat in the car about an hour, then decided I should probably go check on him in case he discovered he needed anything when he unpacked. I was almost to the door of Van Antwerp Hall when I heard his laugh - I just stood there looking over into the window of his dorm room, where Ali and Bobby and a couple other guys were sitting around shooting the breeze - I had never seen Ali so happy. I turned around and headed back to the car for that long ride home without him.

Christmas of 2006, Ali brought Tricia home to meet the family - I remember thinking that he must have really prepared her for the inevitable 21-questions-from-mom and the incessant joking and kidding around, because Tricia handled us all so well. Ali was in love for the first time - and I had never seen him so happy.

Ali and Tricia’s wedding in August 2009 was like a dream to me – my stunningly handsome son and his beautiful bride. I remember him sitting up on the dais, looking around at all his family and friends and Tricia’s wonderful family – I had never seen Ali so happy.

Christmas of 2010 with a baby on the way, it was Ali who was glowing like a pregnant woman. And I can only imagine the joy that filled his heart when River arrived last June, but I could hear it in his voice when he told me the news, I could see it in every photograph on Facebook, I could see it in his eyes and his smile when he brought his baby girl down to Cable Lake for the first time in September.

The week before Christmas we gathered in Wisconsin - Ali was in the hotel pool, but he wasn’t swimming – instead he was leaning his arms on the edge of the pool, watching Tim play with Grace and Kyra, and watching the rest of us sitting poolside with Tricia and River. He was smiling, and he looked as if he was feeling the love and the joy all the way down to his toes. I never saw Ali so happy.

The last time I saw Ali, he was holding River in his arms and watching the Packer game. As I was leaving, I stepped back from the door and thanked Ali and Tricia for making the trip down and I thanked Ali for his Secret Santa gift to me – a large frame with pictures of my three beautiful granddaughters and spaces for the twin boy and girl on the way.

I’m not a person who can express my emotions easily – the words “I love you” are always there, but they seem to get stuck in that place in my heart that is so broken right now. I can’t remember the last time I said the words “I love you” to Ali, probably some time when he was a boy. But I know Ali knew how much I love him , how much we all love him. Just like he was able to understand Shamah’s garbled language when he was a little boy, he was able to understand our family’s language of love.

On that day when my world was changed forever, the first realization that emerged through the shock of it all was that he was my baby and I'm never going to see him again. But I was wrong. I see him all the time. I see him sitting in his baby swing laughing at his brothers and sisters. I see him skipping down the sidewalk as little Superman. I see him playing hacky-sack out in the front yard with his brothers. I see him down by the lake playing his guitar with Tricia and their beautiful harmonies. I see him walking down the aisle with the love of his life. I see him holding River with the look of a man whose life was complete, whose dreams had come true.

Yesterday morning in Yasmene's backyard in Wisconsin I was looking toward the eastern sky as the sun was beginning to rise. I was thinking of Ali and the words I would write in this, the most important thing I've ever written. The biggest, brightest shooting star I've ever seen in my life came down from the heavens and disappeared into the blue-pink horizon. It was then that I was able to make peace with God for taking my baby away from me - I thank God for giving beautiful Ali to me here on earth for 9,695 days of my life.

The only way I’ve been getting through these days is by asking myself “what would Ali want me to do”. Ali would not want us to wonder about why - or what would-have could-have should-have been. Ali would not want us to dwell in regret over things we said or should have said, things we did or should have done. Ali would want us to honor him by living each of our days remembering and emulating his joyful spirit, kind heart, and zest for life. Ali would want us to give River all of our memories and our love for him, so that she will know her daddy, the beautiful man who saved her life for us. Ali would want us to think of him and smile. // Show multiquote for JS browsers if ( $('multiq_83647') ) { $('multiq_83647').show(); } if( $('toggle_post_83647') ) { $('toggle_post_83647').show(); } // Add perm data ipb.topic.deletePerms[83647] = { 'canDelete' : 0, 'canSoftDelete' : 0 }; window.fbAsyncInit = function() { FB.init({appId: '103641263026099', status: true, cookie: true, xfbml: true}); }; (function() { var e = document.createElement('script'); e.async = true; e.src = document.location.protocol + '//connect.facebook.net/en_US/all.js'; document.getElementById('fb-root').appendChild(e); }()); Forum Home How do I _____ on the forum? |-- Help/Questions Loss of..... |-- Loss of a Parent (Mother or Father) |-- Loss of a Child |-- Loss of a Partner |-- Losing Family and Friends |-- Loss of a Sibling |-- Loss of a Pet Violent Death |-- Tragedy in Japan |-- 9/11 Losses |-- Suicide Survivors: Help for People Left Behind |-- Sudden/Violent Death in the Family |-- Grieving Teens Caregiving & Terminal Illness |-- Caregiving and Grieving |-- Coping with Terminal Illness & Upcoming Death Grief Issues |-- Grief & Justice |-- Grief and the Legal System |-- Coping with Loss |-- Anger and Grief |-- Grief Support |-- Difficult Backgrounds: Making Grief Worse |-- Marriage Issues Spiritual/Religious Beliefs |-- Beliefs and Religion |-- Prayer and Blessings |-- ADC's, Visions, & Dreams Non-Death Losses |-- Losses as a result of illness or injury |-- Biological Stranger |-- Loss of a Job |-- Divorce Difficult Events |-- Coping With Holidays |-- Grief and War Recommendations for Healing |-- Recommendations for Healing Please tell us.... |-- Christmas Box Project |-- Recipes to Remember |-- Beyond Indigo Reunion |-- Facebook |-- Beyond Indigo Pins & Wrist Band |-- Your Beyond Indigo Friendships |-- If you want to participate in the following... |-- Your Beyond Indigo Story Archive |-- Archived Introduce Yourself

[westleysmom]

Bethany-Shine down on your Mom and Dad and let them feel you close by on this day that brought you into their lives forever

Marcia-thinking of you today and beautiful Bethany's smile

[westleysmom]

Colleen-So glad you had a good weekend. Did winter ever arrive where you are? Thinking of you on your Mom's angel date

Betsy-I told my husband last night that I didn't know there could be so many people to worry about. Of course, I always wish I still had Westley to worry about. I could do it, I'm sure. I never feel like I help anybody very much, but sometimes I just post anyway. And sometimes no words will come. We made it through another January, didn't we?

Pam-Sorry for the insensitive manager and good luck with the new position.

Amy-Thinking of you this month especially.

Lily'smommy-I'm so sorry. You are my daughter's age and I wish I could just give you a hug. I can't imagine how you must feel and I can only say how sorry I am for your pain.

I wish you all a moment's peace and a smile today, even a little one

[mikesmomrs]

Bethany, beautiful angel that you are, surround your mom and dad with your sweet spirit. Celebrate lively with all of our angels!

Marcia and Larry...holding you close this day as you remember the beginnings of a wonderful part of your life, your beautiful daughter, Bethany! Love to you both!

[ericasmom]

BETHANY BETHANY BETHANY

your beauty shines through and touches us all. Please kiss your Mom and Dad today letting them know that you are near, letting them know that you are perfect and joyous in your home with our Angels.

[ericasmom]

Ali's Mom, I don't think you need worry that your words may not have been the "ILOVE YOU" words. I think he knew that and knows that still in all that you did together, in all that you shared. He was a happy happy human, filled with love for others, that came from you to him, to all of your Kids. Bless you in your description of this Child of yours. He is with our lovely Angels now finding out this new world of joy and calm. He will continue to be your Son, and his lovely wife's husband and always always, the Daddy of that little Princess.

[daveydow1]

HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, SWEET ANGEL, BETHANY !

THINKING OF YOU TODAY, MARCIA, AND WISHING YOU COMFORT.

Dave&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Bethany! Let your mom know you are still with her, as she celebrates the day you were born.

Thinking of you today,, Marcia.

[aim630]

I've had nightmares the past week, trying to keep Ashley alive, then realizing I failed. Or she's here, but I know she can't stay. I guess in my mind, I keep thinking I could have prevented this. She was so close to recovering.

My stepdaughter is a nursing student in the hospital where Ashley died (she was a student there while Ashley was sick). She is doing a case study on Ashley, and I guess it's amazing she survived as long as she did. It makes me so angry, she was getting better, I had let my guard down, then this happened.

I think this year is worst than last. I have to work Thursday, I can't believe it's been 2 years.

Pam, I am so sorry your supervisor gave you a bad review, after the year you've had. Of course your work may have suffered a little, but as a long time employee, they should have understood.About 2 months after Ashley died, my boss basically said she was going to give a promotion to a much younger, much less experienced coworker (who asks me how to do things). She said she just felt I didn't care much anymore. Two months??? You're lucky I'm functioning at all. Although the promotion never happened, and I really didn't care, I just felt like she could have been more understanding. I hope you find a better job, and I'll be thinking of you on Andy's angelversary.

Katie wants to go with OU's journalism school to London for the Olympics this summer. It is very expensive, and she has to be accepted first. She wants to use the small amount of Ashley's life insurance (we gave it to her, figured Ashley would wanter to have it). I don't want to let her go, all I can think of is planes crashing and terrorist attacks.

My heart goes out to all of the new parents here. I'm having a hard time keeping everyone's names and angels straight, but I'm glad you have been able to help each other.

Amy/Ashley's mom

E

[summergirl]

HAPPY HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY SWEET BETHANY....DANCE WITH OUR ANGLES AND SMILE ON YOUR MOM AND DAD.......Thinking of you as always Marcia and Larry.....

[ericasmom]

Pam I am appalled by your boss' insensitivity and I hope that you will be able to lodge a complaint to the human resources department if there is one. I hope too, that you are able to find a job with more feeling people but as Amy said, she too was treated so unfairly in her early grief on the job. It is just another symptom of our lack of teaching about grief. If we taught folks what grief is, the stages of grief, the affects of grief and why grief needs to be worked through, then we would not have stupid people not knowing how to work with others when in grief. Hell, how can anyone be an adult and not understand that eventually, they will know young people who will die and that those involved will grieve? I don't get it. I teach my third graders about grief because it is part of life and at least a handful of kids will grow to adulthood knowing a bit more about it than many others. I know that you are facing an angelversaray soon, my heart is with you as you find your way.

Amy, I know that Thursday is looming large right now, i am sorry. I know that the thought of your Katie going to London is a terrifying one, but she is not afraid and that is the good news, she is not afraid and is living her life shining her sister's light. This is good. Being afraid sucks, I know because I am always afraid, so when siblings can move forward without the fear, more power to them. But I get it, I sure do.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I am trying to catch up with the posts, I have been a bit crazy with so much work. I am so sorry for CJ and his Sister. Is there anything we here can do? HOw very hard this must be for them both. Goodness knows that life has thrown them several curve balls, this can't be at all easy.

Prayers for them, and for you as you support them.

Goodnight All,

[andy88]

Happy Heavenly Birthday Bethany Bethany Bethany!! With love.

[Maddy6]

Doublepost

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[Guest msnher]

I'm so sorry for the negative experiences some of you received after your child died. As bad as the situation was, I couldn't have asked to be surrounded by more compassionate people.

Mariah is home sick today and I'm not feeling my best, either. I have to pull it together, though, because Gary's boss might stop by this afternoon. It's interesting what one notices about their home when someone you want to impress is stopping by....like my dirty picture window in the living room. It's much too cold to try to wash it now. And, those two damn little motors - for something - sitting by the fence. What the heck!? I may just have to get the wheel barrow and move them myself...they're much to heavy for me to lift, but I'm tired of looking at them.

I hope you all find some peace today.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning

[mikesmomrs]

Pam: You have come through so much, and it is good to know that we here at BI have been able to help you make a step forward in your healing, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can imagine how you felt, with your surreptitious "flipping off." The sense of empowerment, however covert, was a boost that you needed and I am glad that you were able to get something out of it. Having to go through the hurricane and the results that turned your life upside down, along with losing your precious child, was definitely something that would have taxed Job. I am glad that you found your way here and glad that this site has helped you so much. I too had a bad experience with my work place when Mike died (along with the months previous to that, as he was 17 months from his brain cancer diagnosis until he left this earth). My boss felt that because he was married, I did not need to be a part of his caregiving team, and would not approved any time off for me to do so, and I had to finally go over her head, at which point I found out that in the rules for time off in such a situation being married didn't even matter. If it was your child, then it was covered for time off. (not paid, just time off for a viable reason). Mike's service was on a Wednesday, and my boss called me on Friday to ask when I was coming back to work. I told him, my voice shaking, that I would let him know the beginning of the next week, as I was too distraught at that moment to even think about it. He was not happy. I called them on Monday and told them I would be taking that week and would be back on the following Monday. He reminded me that the time would be without pay. After I was back for three months, my boss called me into his office and told me. He said that I wasn't doing very well with my work, and that he "really expected that you would be further along by now with this." (I had worked at this place for almost 8 years!) I did have another boss over him, who was a Witch, and I knew that most of his words were coming from her, but he did nothing to support me in her attacks on me. I went home that weekend and typed up a letter, citing all of my work over the past three months. I included how I had processed (in that time period) over 150 time cards, with only one error, and that was caught (by me) before I even turned them in. I also had ordered over $15,000 worth of supplies, and in the process had researched enough to have saved the office over $3,000 in the purchases. I acknowledged that I had had to leave the office on a couple of occasions because I just had to "get out of there" so as not to upset anyone else, and I had only taken time off for doctor appointments. I wrote that I had not had even one letter or document turned back to me for correction once I had delivered it to the author for signature. I had also not missed even ONE of my deadlines for my monthly reports, and I had stayed late on a couple of occasions to assist someone else to make their deadline. I put it all in writing, addressed to him, with a copy to the office Director, and to the personnel office. (I worked for the Federal government, so the headquarters was in DC). He never confronted me again. Earlier, just after Mike had gotten his diagnosis of "terminal brain cancer" and was told that he had less than two years to live, the office Director came to me and asked me "so, how is your son is doing?" (She knew his name but wouldn't use it.) When I told her that he was terminal, she said "Oh, well, really, aren't we all?" I don't think I have ever wanted to actually HURT someone in my life, but I wanted to strangle her at that moment. Instead I just walked away and went into the bathroom. This woman had no children, never wanted any, and was as cold as cold could be when it came to personal interaction. Once I had my papers cleared and my requests put in, I had people from all over the country contributing leave to me so I could be off to take care of Mike when he was in the last month of his illness. (The federal government has a program where others can contribute their annual leave to someone who met the criteria (either was sick themselves or had a close family member who was ill and needed their help). I had one guy whom I had never met, worked in DC, sent me 40 hours! Oh, man my boss was livid over that one. By this time, I had filed a complaint with headquarters, and when leave came to me, she had to send a copy to personnel and record it and its use, so that really bugged the heck out of her because of course it meant extra work for her. The others in the office were supportive of my requests and more than happy to "step up" to fill in for me (some even donated their leave to me), but that just aggravated her even more. Our only son Mike had been married for 6 months and had a 5 month old son when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and given less than 2 years to live. His wife was devastated, we were all devastated, and having no support from her added SO much stress to our situation.

Wow, sorry for the rant. I guess those things just kind of lay dormant in us, and when the trigger is pulled, they come flying out again. I have learned to live with it, have actually forgiven her for her ignorance, and hardly think about it anymore, but when something comes up that hits on it, it is right back again---so maybe I haven't really forgiven her, who knows?

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support to you and tell you that we here do understand, very, very much.

I was so glad to read of your statements that you are trying again, and that you feel as though we here have helped you. That is part of why those of us here for a longer time stay here, not only do we still need this site for our own grief journey, which of course, never does end, but we can help those who are new to this, who are reaching out and on shaky feet, trying to regain their footing in their lives, which they know will never be the same. Dee has said it before---we have left footprints for you to walk in, guiding the way, helping when we can, and just being here, always.

Got to go, hubby has radiation at 2:30 and I'm not even dressed yet. I will be back later to share with you all how great my birthday was yesterday. I really had a nice day, despite the "elephant in the room" and the physical absence of our son. But more about that later.

Susannah: Hope you are soon feeling better. Mariah, too!

love to all of you,

[robyn]

I just wanted to add to my post. My behavior of flipping off, really the building of where I worked, I know was childish. I find since I am no longer the same person, sometime doing things in my fight to recover from this loss that surprise myself. No one saw (stressing concern for students here) and somehow on the inside it was empowering. It was like all that is over. "Screw you," ( sorry don't want to offend anyone) but that was my attitude.it was like my sorrow, my anger, my relief, all mixed into one saying this is over now, I am moving on from here. I don't know if that makes sense, but the symbolism it represented to me, was exhilarating. I guess like I said the grief some of the people wo worked there put me through on top of the intense pain I was in, to go forward now and feel a sense of control in my life. I know for me, my experience also was compounded with the Katrina situation. Another area of grief. Anyway, thanks for listening and helping me through the most difficult road I have ever had to travel in my whole life.

Maddy,

Isn't it funny? Some of the things that were JUST so danged IMPORTANT before, now cease to have any control over us? This isn't the same thing, but I was a "collector" for a long time. I had so many knick knacks and decorative JUNK on shelves and stuffed into closets and drawers, they took up every space for 'decoration". The Tuesday that Chrissy left, I had taken everything down to clean it while we waited for the painter to come. A week later, with Chrissy's wall decoration "SIMPLIFY" stuck in my head, I took everything, boxed it up and gave it all away. Now I look around and can take a deep breath. Some things just don't matter anymore!

Maddy some people will never deserve you, some stuff isn't necessary, and some emotions clog our "brain pipes". I say good for you! Sometimes "flipping" something off is just cathartic!

Love,

Robyn

[Maddy6]

Pam: You have come through so much, and it is good to know that we here at BI have been able to help you make a step forward in your healing, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can imagine how you felt, with your surreptitious "flipping off." The sense of empowerment, however covert, was a boost that you needed and I am glad that you were able to get something out of it. Having to go through the hurricane and the results that turned your life upside down, along with losing your precious child, was definitely something that would have taxed Job. I am glad that you found your way here and glad that this site has helped you so much. I too had a bad experience with my work place when Mike died (along with the months previous to that, as he was 17 months from his brain cancer diagnosis until he left this earth). My boss felt that because he was married, I did not need to be a part of his caregiving team, and would not approved any time off for me to do so, and I had to finally go over her head, at which point I found out that in the rules for time off in such a situation being married didn't even matter. If it was your child, then it was covered for time off. (not paid, just time off for a viable reason). Mike's service was on a Wednesday, and my boss called me on Friday to ask when I was coming back to work. I told him, my voice shaking, that I would let him know the beginning of the next week, as I was too distraught at that moment to even think about it. He was not happy. I called them on Monday and told them I would be taking that week and would be back on the following Monday. He reminded me that the time would be without pay. After I was back for three months, my boss called me into his office and told me. He said that I wasn't doing very well with my work, and that he "really expected that you would be further along by now with this." (I had worked at this place for almost 8 years!) I did have another boss over him, who was a Witch, and I knew that most of his words were coming from her, but he did nothing to support me in her attacks on me. I went home that weekend and typed up a letter, citing all of my work over the past three months. I included how I had processed (in that time period) over 150 time cards, with only one error, and that was caught (by me) before I even turned them in. I also had ordered over $15,000 worth of supplies, and in the process had researched enough to have saved the office over $3,000 in the purchases. I acknowledged that I had had to leave the office on a couple of occasions because I just had to "get out of there" so as not to upset anyone else, and I had only taken time off for doctor appointments. I wrote that I had not had even one letter or document turned back to me for correction once I had delivered it to the author for signature. I had also not missed even ONE of my deadlines for my monthly reports, and I had stayed late on a couple of occasions to assist someone else to make their deadline. I put it all in writing, addressed to him, with a copy to the office Director, and to the personnel office. (I worked for the Federal government, so the headquarters was in DC). He never confronted me again. Earlier, just after Mike had gotten his diagnosis of "terminal brain cancer" and was told that he had less than two years to live, the office Director came to me and asked me "so, how is your son is doing?" (She knew his name but wouldn't use it.) When I told her that he was terminal, she said "Oh, well, really, aren't we all?" I don't think I have ever wanted to actually HURT someone in my life, but I wanted to strangle her at that moment. Instead I just walked away and went into the bathroom. This woman had no children, never wanted any, and was as cold as cold could be when it came to personal interaction. Once I had my papers cleared and my requests put in, I had people from all over the country contributing leave to me so I could be off to take care of Mike when he was in the last month of his illness. (The federal government has a program where others can contribute their annual leave to someone who met the criteria (either was sick themselves or had a close family member who was ill and needed their help). I had one guy whom I had never met, worked in DC, sent me 40 hours! Oh, man my boss was livid over that one. By this time, I had filed a complaint with headquarters, and when leave came to me, she had to send a copy to personnel and record it and its use, so that really bugged the heck out of her because of course it meant extra work for her. The others in the office were supportive of my requests and more than happy to "step up" to fill in for me (some even donated their leave to me), but that just aggravated her even more. Our only son Mike had been married for 6 months and had a 5 month old son when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and given less than 2 years to live. His wife was devastated, we were all devastated, and having no support from her added SO much stress to our situation.

Wow, sorry for the rant. I guess those things just kind of lay dormant in us, and when the trigger is pulled, they come flying out again. I have learned to live with it, have actually forgiven her for her ignorance, and hardly think about it anymore, but when something comes up that hits on it, it is right back again---so maybe I haven't really forgiven her, who knows?

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support to you and tell you that we here do understand, very, very much.

I was so glad to read of your statements that you are trying again, and that you feel as though we here have helped you. That is part of why those of us here for a longer time stay here, not only do we still need this site for our own grief journey, which of course, never does end, but we can help those who are new to this, who are reaching out and on shaky feet, trying to regain their footing in their lives, which they know will never be the same. Dee has said it before---we have left footprints for you to walk in, guiding the way, helping when we can, and just being here, always.

Got to go, hubby has radiation at 2:30 and I'm not even dressed yet. I will be back later to share with you all how great my birthday was yesterday. I really had a nice day, despite the "elephant in the room" and the physical absence of our son. But more about that later.

Susannah: Hope you are soon feeling better. Mariah, too!

love to all of you,

[Maddy6]

Pam: You have come through so much, and it is good to know that we here at BI have been able to help you make a step forward in your healing, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can imagine how you felt, with your surreptitious "flipping off." The sense of empowerment, however covert, was a boost that you needed and I am glad that you were able to get something out of it. Having to go through the hurricane and the results that turned your life upside down, along with losing your precious child, was definitely something that would have taxed Job. I am glad that you found your way here and glad that this site has helped you so much. I too had a bad experience with my work place when Mike died (along with the months previous to that, as he was 17 months from his brain cancer diagnosis until he left this earth). My boss felt that because he was married, I did not need to be a part of his caregiving team, and would not approved any time off for me to do so, and I had to finally go over her head, at which point I found out that in the rules for time off in such a situation being married didn't even matter. If it was your child, then it was covered for time off. (not paid, just time off for a viable reason). Mike's service was on a Wednesday, and my boss called me on Friday to ask when I was coming back to work. I told him, my voice shaking, that I would let him know the beginning of the next week, as I was too distraught at that moment to even think about it. He was not happy. I called them on Monday and told them I would be taking that week and would be back on the following Monday. He reminded me that the time would be without pay. After I was back for three months, my boss called me into his office and told me. He said that I wasn't doing very well with my work, and that he "really expected that you would be further along by now with this." (I had worked at this place for almost 8 years!) I did have another boss over him, who was a Witch, and I knew that most of his words were coming from her, but he did nothing to support me in her attacks on me. I went home that weekend and typed up a letter, citing all of my work over the past three months. I included how I had processed (in that time period) over 150 time cards, with only one error, and that was caught (by me) before I even turned them in. I also had ordered over $15,000 worth of supplies, and in the process had researched enough to have saved the office over $3,000 in the purchases. I acknowledged that I had had to leave the office on a couple of occasions because I just had to "get out of there" so as not to upset anyone else, and I had only taken time off for doctor appointments. I wrote that I had not had even one letter or document turned back to me for correction once I had delivered it to the author for signature. I had also not missed even ONE of my deadlines for my monthly reports, and I had stayed late on a couple of occasions to assist someone else to make their deadline. I put it all in writing, addressed to him, with a copy to the office Director, and to the personnel office. (I worked for the Federal government, so the headquarters was in DC). He never confronted me again. Earlier, just after Mike had gotten his diagnosis of "terminal brain cancer" and was told that he had less than two years to live, the office Director came to me and asked me "so, how is your son is doing?" (She knew his name but wouldn't use it.) When I told her that he was terminal, she said "Oh, well, really, aren't we all?" I don't think I have ever wanted to actually HURT someone in my life, but I wanted to strangle her at that moment. Instead I just walked away and went into the bathroom. This woman had no children, never wanted any, and was as cold as cold could be when it came to personal interaction. Once I had my papers cleared and my requests put in, I had people from all over the country contributing leave to me so I could be off to take care of Mike when he was in the last month of his illness. (The federal government has a program where others can contribute their annual leave to someone who met the criteria (either was sick themselves or had a close family member who was ill and needed their help). I had one guy whom I had never met, worked in DC, sent me 40 hours! Oh, man my boss was livid over that one. By this time, I had filed a complaint with headquarters, and when leave came to me, she had to send a copy to personnel and record it and its use, so that really bugged the heck out of her because of course it meant extra work for her. The others in the office were supportive of my requests and more than happy to "step up" to fill in for me (some even donated their leave to me), but that just aggravated her even more. Our only son Mike had been married for 6 months and had a 5 month old son when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and given less than 2 years to live. His wife was devastated, we were all devastated, and having no support from her added SO much stress to our situation.

Wow, sorry for the rant. I guess those things just kind of lay dormant in us, and when the trigger is pulled, they come flying out again. I have learned to live with it, have actually forgiven her for her ignorance, and hardly think about it anymore, but when something comes up that hits on it, it is right back again---so maybe I haven't really forgiven her, who knows?

Anyway, I just wanted to offer my support to you and tell you that we here do understand, very, very much.

I was so glad to read of your statements that you are trying again, and that you feel as though we here have helped you. That is part of why those of us here for a longer time stay here, not only do we still need this site for our own grief journey, which of course, never does end, but we can help those who are new to this, who are reaching out and on shaky feet, trying to regain their footing in their lives, which they know will never be the same. Dee has said it before---we have left footprints for you to walk in, guiding the way, helping when we can, and just being here, always.

Got to go, hubby has radiation at 2:30 and I'm not even dressed yet. I will be back later to share with you all how great my birthday was yesterday. I really had a nice day, despite the "elephant in the room" and the physical absence of our son. But more about that later.

Susannah: Hope you are soon feeling better. Mariah, too!

love to all of you,

[robyn]