Loss of an Adult Child

[hotrod]

Dear Susannah

Glad to see you are here Loved talking to you and reading your shares

You ,Carol, Trudi and Sir Mutley and Betsy as well as Dee and Sherry kept me sane during my darkest hours

I will be forever grateful and I am saddened to hear of the difficult heart decision that you are facing.

You and yur family and all are in my thoughts and prayers

PS Walking in Central Park (and skating) has become more fun this winter now that the weather is so mild I think of Dee often while I am there. I walked by the Puerto Rican Coffe Import Shop yesterday and again Dee entered my mind and I smiled.

Thanks for the memories

[Guest msnher]

Betty, you skate? How fun! Oh, the situation is my own fault. It is with my son. I give and give and give - and, gosh darn it - he takes and takes and takes! I honestly believe he would take the bread right out of his mouth just so he could have a second helping. The problem is I have trained him to be this way....and, I want it to stop. Only I want him to stop asking so I can stop giving. I realize all I have to do is learn to say "No" - and mean it. I also have to quit volunteering. Sheese! He won't even ask for my help but I'm right there, ready to rescue -- and then resent him for taking it (my help - mostly money). Between the time I posted my first post and this post, I prayed and meditated and realize a confrontation is not required. He does not have to change a thing. I have to change. I want him to change his behavior so I can live in harmony with him. However, I am the one who must change at the risk of being uncomfortable in my own skin for a while. It is my job to say no - not his job not to ask in the first place. It is my job to mind my own business and not run to his rescue with my pocket book every time he mismanages his money. I don't even wait for him to ask...I am first in line to "save the day" and then mad as hell because he took my money. So, the needed change must come from me, not him. I must change the dynamics of our relationship and that can done without saying a word and it can be done with love and dignity. The problem is it takes a mature, confident person to be able to pull it off. I'm not that woman. I'm the woman who stands at the door and screams "QUIT TAKING MY MONEY!" as I throw my last dollar at their face.

Yes, I trained him. After he tried to kill himself I just made things worse. The thought of having to walk through the horrible first years of grief again, with another child, has allowed me to enable, manipulate and evade personal responsibility. It has also allowed me to steal my son's dignity and integrity. He is an adult. It is time I allowed him to grow up and face his own consequences. Maybe I'll grow up at the same time.

Well.....I needed to hear that from myself today. He doesn't have to quit asking or taking...I just have to quit giving - or at least, learn how and when to give. Since I don't how to judge the appropriateness of my giving, it may be necessary for me to stop, altogether, for a time.

You remain dear to my heart, Betty! I agree with what you said about Dee being here. All of you were here when I joined....You saved me!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

WEIRD TRUE STORY KIMBERLY TOLD ME IT THE OTHER NIGHT......HER GRAND PA DIED ON HER STEPMOMS SIDE....SWEET SWEET MAN....SO KIMBERLY AND CODY WENT TO TEXAS TO HELP WITH FUNERAL PLANS...KIMBELRY WAS MAKING A SLIDESHOW OF A TIMELINE OF PICS OF THIS MAN.....ADDING JOHNNY CASH MUSIC TO IT....SHE LOADED PICS...PREVIEWED PICS...HAD STEP MOM PREVIEW PICS....AND THEN COPIED TO CD......TOOK IT TO THE FUNERAL HOME TO PLAY DURING SERVICE.....KIMBERLYY SAID AS SHE WAS WATCHING HER WORK.....THERE IS A PIC OF MY BB GIRL KOURTNEY IN HER CASKET AT HER FUNERAL...(STEP MOM HAD TAKEN PICS DURING KOURTNEYS SERVICE)....KIMBERLY SAID IT FLOORED HER BUT DIDNT UPSET HER...THAT KOURTNEY LOOKED VERY PEACEFUL AND EVEN MORE PEACEFUL THEN SHE REMEMBERED DURING THE FUNERAL...

MY QUESTION IS THIS...DO YOU THINK ITS RIGHT TO TAKE PICS DURING A FUNERAL...I MEAN WHAT IF I HAD WENT TO THIS MANS FINERAL...AND I SAW THAT...I THINK I WLD HAVE DIED RIGHT THERE FROM SHOCK.....THGH THANKFULLY KIMBELRY HANDLED IT WELL WHAT IFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF AND HOW DID THE PIC GET ON THERE WHEN IT WAS PREVIEWED SEVERAL TIMES?

[vivkib]

WEIRD TRUE STORY KIMBERLY TOLD ME IT THE OTHER NIGHT......HER GRAND PA DIED ON HER STEPMOMS SIDE....SWEET SWEET MAN....SO KIMBERLY AND CODY WENT TO TEXAS TO HELP WITH FUNERAL PLANS...KIMBELRY WAS MAKING A SLIDESHOW OF A TIMELINE OF PICS OF THIS MAN.....ADDING JOHNNY CASH MUSIC TO IT....SHE LOADED PICS...PREVIEWED PICS...HAD STEP MOM PREVIEW PICS....AND THEN COPIED TO CD......TOOK IT TO THE FUNERAL HOME TO PLAY DURING SERVICE.....KIMBERLYY SAID AS SHE WAS WATCHING HER WORK.....THERE IS A PIC OF MY BB GIRL KOURTNEY IN HER CASKET AT HER FUNERAL...(STEP MOM HAD TAKEN PICS DURING KOURTNEYS SERVICE)....KIMBERLY SAID IT FLOORED HER BUT DIDNT UPSET HER...THAT KOURTNEY LOOKED VERY PEACEFUL AND EVEN MORE PEACEFUL THEN SHE REMEMBERED DURING THE FUNERAL...

MY QUESTION IS THIS...DO YOU THINK ITS RIGHT TO TAKE PICS DURING A FUNERAL...I MEAN WHAT IF I HAD WENT TO THIS MANS FINERAL...AND I SAW THAT...I THINK I WLD HAVE DIED RIGHT THERE FROM SHOCK.....THGH THANKFULLY KIMBELRY HANDLED IT WELL WHAT IFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF AND HOW DID THE PIC GET ON THERE WHEN IT WAS PREVIEWED SEVERAL TIMES?

I can't speak for anyone else but I could never imagine taking pics at a time like that. I also understand everyone has a different view and needs to do what they feel works for them to get through thier pain. I couldn't even go for a final viewing of my son but others I've talked to said they had to do it and I understand thier need. As for how the pic got onto the CD, WOW!! I must say I would have been floored. What strenght Kimberly has.

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigo friends/family. just wanted to sneak in and touch base. i am doing 'ok'...just the usual ups and downs, but have had a few health issues and have not had as many ups lately. but, no worries, i am ok. i am happy to see posts from dee, sherry, trudi, susannah, lorri....i don't know how i would have come this far without you...seriously. i am saddened to see all of the newbies....robyn, maddy, kenn, louise, becky, kevin's mom, and anyone i forgot to mention. i am glad you found this place, though. it is a good place to be able to vent, rant and rave or tell us how you are feeling or tell us about you precious angel. there is no judgement here. just arms wide open and hearts like yours. huggs and hands to hold and shoulders to cry on. all of us here do understand and everyone here has lost a child, in all different ways, but we all agree, the pain is the same, the emptiness is the same, and grief is the same. we all feel the pain. maybe we all grieve in different ways, but we grieve for our children and that pain is horrendous. the rollercoaster of grief is hard work and the life-long journey takes so much energy and will take a toll of your body. just know that we, here, are all trying our best to hold you up and will listen to whatever you need to share with us. i just pasted the first birthday, and then 2 days later, the first angelversary and it was a very difficult time. i want to try to make some strides to move forward for my family, but find it difficult. i know my son would want me to do just that, and not be so sad. i know him too well. he would not want to find me so sad and down. he would be making me laugh with his wit and his contagious smile. i want to try to find my way out of this depression, i do. and i have promised my counselor that i will try. but it is a difficult assignment. missing nathan is something i thought would never happen. he was so amazing. he was strong, and appeared so happy. he had everything. he loved his patients, and they loved him. he was depressed and sad and no one knew it. he hid it so well. how did i not know it? how did i miss this? how did any of us miss this? this was a 32 y/o loving, caring, witty, life-of-the-party, intelligent, friendly, take-his-shirt-off-his-back for anyone who needed it kind of guy....what happened to my baby? where did he go, and why? how did he drownd in a black hole and we didn't know he was so sick? this is why the guilt is so heavy on my heart. it eats away at me, day after day. i know he is now in heaven and is safe and happy and well. but i still can't shake the fact that i maybe could have done something to help him. but i didn't know and i am his mother.

thanks for listening. sorry, for going on and on....just the way i am feeling today. tomorrow may be a different day.

love and hugs to all......diane

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I wish I had the answers to those questions for you - for all of us, but even if we had THE answer I doubt it would suffice in the face of our loss....your loss.

Lorri - Personally, I think it's tacky to take pictures at a funeral. But, my family has done so for generations. I remember as a small child looking through my grandma's pictures and there were photos of relatives, in their coffins. Come to think of it, all my foster homes did that, too. Maybe it was a Mormon thing.

[daveydow1]

Betty----Thanks for your kind words.

Diane------Sending thoughts & prayers for your peace & strength.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Cloudy, cold, and hard to get motivated to do much.... so I am at the computer again, trying to create what is in my mind's eye.

I read all the posts, even when I am not up to posting, and I pray daily for all of you.

I did take a picture of Jared in the coffin before the funeral, not to publish, but just for me. When I looked back at it weeks later, his face looked much more bruised than I remembered it. Maybe I should have just kept the pic from my mind of that day, because I thought they had done a great job.

Here is a picture I did today. The eyes are Jared's.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang,

just back in after the school carnival where I held a silent auction on the birdhouses the students made, one winner from each of 30 classrooms. They were built by my husband, painted by the winning student designers with me and a few adults after school, and today autioned. So I don't know how much we cleared, I was pretty tired by the time we left, there from 9:30-3:45. We made at least 600.00 and all of that will be donated to a specific orphanage we support in Haiti. This is our third year supporting this cause, trying to make sure that at least this group of kids who many were orphaned by the earthquake, will have adequate food, water, and bedding and books as well as medicines and inoculations. Heck, just having clean water is an ordeal, but we have made this place a stronger home for the kids that live there adn the student council that I lead is very proud of the work that we are doing, and I am very proud of them as well.

Susannah, I do hope that you will be able to take the lead on this relationship with your son, it will undoubtedly be a difficult few months until it is established and understood.

Betty, I am so glad that you are skating still, I have not this winter but want to. Have you gone into the Purerto Rican Import Store, the smell of so many milliions of coffee beans from all over the world is pure joy to my senses. It has been so long since I was in NYC, but I sure do have nice memories of being there in your town.

Diane, if we have been a life-line to you then we are so glad, it is also what you are doing for the Newbies here, providing your story and encouraging theirs. We all gather here knowing what it is that people suffer in order to find this place, and for you each, my prayers and my hope.

Lorri, I did not take photos, but have heard that folks do, just was not something I would do. I am glad though that Kim saw the peace in her sister, and maybe it was her sister that made sure that she saw that peace, remember that peace. We have tricky little angels after all, I would not be one bit surprised by this.

[ericasmom]

Beautiful Eyes on your Son JD's Mom, absolutely gorgeous.

[robyn]

WEIRD TRUE STORY KIMBERLY TOLD ME IT THE OTHER NIGHT......HER GRAND PA DIED ON HER STEPMOMS SIDE....SWEET SWEET MAN....SO KIMBERLY AND CODY WENT TO TEXAS TO HELP WITH FUNERAL PLANS...KIMBELRY WAS MAKING A SLIDESHOW OF A TIMELINE OF PICS OF THIS MAN.....ADDING JOHNNY CASH MUSIC TO IT....SHE LOADED PICS...PREVIEWED PICS...HAD STEP MOM PREVIEW PICS....AND THEN COPIED TO CD......TOOK IT TO THE FUNERAL HOME TO PLAY DURING SERVICE.....KIMBERLYY SAID AS SHE WAS WATCHING HER WORK.....THERE IS A PIC OF MY BB GIRL KOURTNEY IN HER CASKET AT HER FUNERAL...(STEP MOM HAD TAKEN PICS DURING KOURTNEYS SERVICE)....KIMBERLY SAID IT FLOORED HER BUT DIDNT UPSET HER...THAT KOURTNEY LOOKED VERY PEACEFUL AND EVEN MORE PEACEFUL THEN SHE REMEMBERED DURING THE FUNERAL...

MY QUESTION IS THIS...DO YOU THINK ITS RIGHT TO TAKE PICS DURING A FUNERAL...I MEAN WHAT IF I HAD WENT TO THIS MANS FINERAL...AND I SAW THAT...I THINK I WLD HAVE DIED RIGHT THERE FROM SHOCK.....THGH THANKFULLY KIMBELRY HANDLED IT WELL WHAT IFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF AND HOW DID THE PIC GET ON THERE WHEN IT WAS PREVIEWED SEVERAL TIMES?

Can only speak for myself...We haven't had a wake or a funeral in our family for a long time as we are folks who prefer cremation and release of the ashes in a meaningful way. Someone from the police department did take a video at Chrissy's memorial service, but none of us have had the wish to look at it yet. Can't say that I ever will. We took some beautiful pictures at the beach that morning when we released Chrissy, and we all love them. It was a beautiful morning.

Whether or not pictures are taken at a funeral is absolutely up to you, or them. What you feel is right has nothing to do with what someone else thinks. If someday those pictures give you peace, then so be it.

Robyn

[robyn]

Cloudy, cold, and hard to get motivated to do much.... so I am at the computer again, trying to create what is in my mind's eye.

I read all the posts, even when I am not up to posting, and I pray daily for all of you.

I did take a picture of Jared in the coffin before the funeral, not to publish, but just for me. When I looked back at it weeks later, his face looked much more bruised than I remembered it. Maybe I should have just kept the pic from my mind of that day, because I thought they had done a great job.

Here is a picture I did today. The eyes are Jared's.

Becky,

That is so beautiful! He has such gorgeous eyes.

[lilysmommy]

hi everyone my name is Sonya..im 26 yrs old and i lost my 2 year old daughter. My ex fiance and I were both in the military and i got out to raise my kids. he was young and dumb..cheated..so i left him ..and i was left to raise all 3 on my own..in april of 2011 my daughter Lily got sick..i took her to her pediatrician and said she had step throat..he gave her antibiotics..she was sick for about a week..after bein better for 2 days she got sick again..vomittin..diarrhea..fever..i took her back..again he was jus in a hurry..he gave me the bag to get her pee sample and said..we're already goin to close come back in the mornin..i asked plenty times do i take her to the hospital if her fever gets high..he said no..i.m goin to prescribe tylenol..i asked..what about the vomittin..so he gave her a shot..he said no need for hospitals..she'll be fine..we went home went to bed around 9..she kept tossing and turning..around 2 in the mornin i woke up changed her diaper to see if i had gotten the pee sample but she had diarrhea..i gave her some pedialyte and tylenol..we went back to sleep..she always sleeps next to me..but this time she kept tappin my chest sayin nite nite mommy..so i put her on top of me..somewhere in between 2 and 7 she passed away in her sleep on me..i remember feeling her cold but i thought it was just the room cold so i put the blanket on top of her and i hugged her..never knowin she had already passsed..my last image is rollin her over and seein her stiff n cold..n i cant get it out of my head..when i got her medical records we later learned that the first time i took her to the dr and he did theblood work which he didnt bother lookin at..said alarm 3x..she had severe strep and should have been hospitalized..so when her strep came back and he gave her the shot..we later learned also..that shot given to a child 2 and under makes it harder for them to breathe..i never asked for a time of death because i do not want to know how long she was on top of me...im soo young and i jus want to be able to have a life again and i cant seem to leave the room..2 things have made this harder this month..her father got someone pregnant jus a month after she passed on accident and hes havin another child this month...and her one year is comin up..i saw a dr a few days ago and he gave me some depression pills but all its doin is making me sleep..i dont know what to do anymore...

[lilysmommy]

https://www.facebook...150486619422947

[Maddy6]

“You can shed tears that she is gone,

or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,

or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her only that she is gone,

or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back.

Or you can do what she'd want:

smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

~ David Harkins

[Maddy6]

1328391903' post='83526']

Cloudy, cold, and hard to get motivated to do much.... so I am at the computer again, trying to create what is in my mind's eye.

I read all the posts, even when I am not up to posting, and I pray daily for all of you.

I did take a picture of Jared in the coffin before the funeral, not to publish, but just for me. When I looked back at it weeks later, his face looked much more bruised than I remembered it. Maybe I should have just kept the pic from my mind of that day, because I thought they had done a great job.

Here is a picture I did today. The eyes are Jared's.

Becky,JD truly has beautiful eyes. I noticed the wearing his football helmet in that picture you posted. He looked like such a nice young man :-) you are talented. I know a little more, today was my second class in digital art and having barely used Apple before I was pulling my hair out my head ;-) , made me appreciate your work even more :-)Love, hugs, & hope,Maddy

P.S. - Becky, thank you so very, very much for your prayers for me. You have no idea how much that means to me and helps to know someone is praying for me.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Oh, Sonya, I am so sorry about your little angel. She is just precious. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you losing her like that. At least she was in your arms, and feeling your love. I do know the pain of losing your child. I lost my son, Jared, who was 15 years old, on October 3rd, 2011. He was hit from behind by an SUV, and killed instantly, as he walked or skateboarded 1/4 mile from our home. So glad you found your way here, where there are many parents that know the pain and loss along with you, and will share the burden and try to help you along your journey.

Jared would love it when I babysat my little great niece, Emily, who is now three years old. He would read to her and play with her for hours. I am sure he has introduced himself to your little Lily, and will keep her company up in heaven.

https://www.facebook...150486619422947

[hotrod]

Hi Susannah

It is great to hear from you. I understand the issue with your son I was great at throwing money at Stephen, without him asking and then resenting how he spent it.

We are all works in progress and you my dear soul are a masterpiece. Keep on Keeping on Your honesty and compassion are so very refreshing and have carried you far,

I have a really hard time reading and posting here thee days because of the changed format. The copying of the posts and then responding really confuse my brain. So I will just stop by and talk to old friends when able.

Hope the grand children are well. They always made me smile

Love you my dear.

[Maddy6]

Lorri,My dad's side of the family always took pictures of all family members in their casket with an instant camera. When my dad died, about 6 months later I was flipping through pictures at my uncle's house. I almost fell off my chair in shock when I unexpectedly flipped to a picture of my dad in his casket. I was not aware the picture was taken and it was disconcerting. Although I knew his family did this, it made me uncomfortable.

Hey Robyn, hope you are having a good day. I loved seeing all of the pictures. Chrissie was so beautiful. Inside and out. You can tell just by looking :-)

Dee, Betty, Trudi, and others (don't know all names), thank you for all of the help and encouragement to all of us newbies. You have helped me and my family more than you can realize. I appreciate you from the bottom of my heart the way you have guided me and helped me in your experience. I pray you will be blessed 10 fold for the difference you have made in my life and the others you have helped. You are all angels on Earth, your angels would be proud of you.

[ericasmom]

And Maddy, your Angel is also proud of you, as you work to find the best way to live and shine her light, She is smiling on her Family knowing what it means to find your steps here, so more power to you and to all those new to this site, to this loss. Power might sound like the wrong word , but it is in that strength that we find as we claw our way to the top where the sun is shining and the moon is gleaming, it is in that strength that you are made to feel your strength and your love, the power from which is with you forever.

[Maddy6]

1328397435' post='83535']

https://www.facebook...150486619422947

All of your children are precious :-) I could not get the video to open, but saw the profile pic on your timeline :-) absolutely precious :-)

[ericasmom]

Lily's Mom, the pain of your Loss is so evident. Who is helping you with your other children? You are a young woman with a hurting heart, I do hope that you have someone to assist for right now. It is not abnormal in your circumstances to be feeling afraid and unable right now. The first year anniversary stops us in our tracks so be kind to yourself and know that we are with you in this. Your beautiful Daughter is loving you for all time just as you will her. She is lovely. I am so sorry that this sadness is yours, but I am also glad taht you found this place to come and share your heart.

[lilysmommy]

i moved in with my parents..i lost my house n car because i couldnt work..every lil girl i saw reminded me of her..so i had to quit..i tried moving because i lived jus 2 miles from the cemetery but i felt like i had left her..so now i run to the cemetery every day and jus sleep there with her for hours..i feel so bad for my boys cause they always tell me..i know you miss lily mommy, but we miss you too..but theres nothin i can do..

[Kenn]

Hi Sonya, losing your daughter that way is so sad. I lost my daughter in July, and it has really been hard coming to grip with what happened. First I felt extreme anger. Anger at my daughter for her role in what brought about her death. Anger at myself for not doing all the things I could have done to prevent it had I just known what to do. Anger at everyone who had ever done anything to hurt her. The anger was just eating me up. Quickly my anger turned to pure love and the feeling of loss. Grief that was so debilitating that I didn't want face a new day, because I was afraid of what was coming. Somehow I found the strength to make the hard decisions that had to be made. In the days that followed my grief was overwhelming, and the feelings of guilt made it 100 times worse. Finally the morning came when they were going to do the cremation and I felt like I wanted to die. They gave us the opportunity to see her before the procedure, and said we could take all the time we needed. I touched her beautiful face and it was so cold. I hugged her and held her so tight, wishing that I wouldn't ever have to let her go. I pressed my cheek against hers and kept telling her how sorry I was. Oh Hannah, I'm so sorry. I rubbed my fingers through her hair, and the bandage from the autopsy came loose. I gently pushed it back in place and whispered, I love you Hannah. I held her face as tight against mine as I could, as if I could make her warm again. Tears are in my eyes as write this. Perhaps I'm crossing the line telling these things, but this is my experience and how I have been able to accept it. Believe it or not, that last hug is not a nightmare, it is a good memory. Holding her dead body for me was a way of being able to show my love one more time. I'm so sorry I couldn't prevent Hannah from dying, but I'm so glad i was able to hold her one last time. I'm so sorry for your loss. In my mind you were given a gift to be able to have the memory of knowing you were comforting your sweet daughter when she died. I would give anything in the world if I could have been able to be there the night my daughter died, and be a comfort to her like you were. I think you are such a wonderful mom. Your love is evident, and I do understand your grief. Please don't feel guilty that you weren't able to save her, you did all you could. You aren't God. Please see the glass as half full when it comes to the fact that your daughter died while you were holding her. Please hold tight to that as a good memory. Nothing can ever hurt our beautiful girls again, and that is also a comfort to me. She wouldn't want you to be so sad. I wish you all the best.

hi everyone my name is Sonya..im 26 yrs old and i lost my 2 year old daughter. My ex fiance and I were both in the military and i got out to raise my kids. he was young and dumb..cheated..so i left him ..and i was left to raise all 3 on my own..in april of 2011 my daughter Lily got sick..i took her to her pediatrician and said she had step throat..he gave her antibiotics..she was sick for about a week..after bein better for 2 days she got sick again..vomittin..diarrhea..fever..i took her back..again he was jus in a hurry..he gave me the bag to get her pee sample and said..we're already goin to close come back in the mornin..i asked plenty times do i take her to the hospital if her fever gets high..he said no..i.m goin to prescribe tylenol..i asked..what about the vomittin..so he gave her a shot..he said no need for hospitals..she'll be fine..we went home went to bed around 9..she kept tossing and turning..around 2 in the mornin i woke up changed her diaper to see if i had gotten the pee sample but she had diarrhea..i gave her some pedialyte and tylenol..we went back to sleep..she always sleeps next to me..but this time she kept tappin my chest sayin nite nite mommy..so i put her on top of me..somewhere in between 2 and 7 she passed away in her sleep on me..i remember feeling her cold but i thought it was just the room cold so i put the blanket on top of her and i hugged her..never knowin she had already passsed..my last image is rollin her over and seein her stiff n cold..n i cant get it out of my head..when i got her medical records we later learned that the first time i took her to the dr and he did theblood work which he didnt bother lookin at..said alarm 3x..she had severe strep and should have been hospitalized..so when her strep came back and he gave her the shot..we later learned also..that shot given to a child 2 and under makes it harder for them to breathe..i never asked for a time of death because i do not want to know how long she was on top of me...im soo young and i jus want to be able to have a life again and i cant seem to leave the room..2 things have made this harder this month..her father got someone pregnant jus a month after she passed on accident and hes havin another child this month...and her one year is comin up..i saw a dr a few days ago and he gave me some depression pills but all its doin is making me sleep..i dont know what to do anymore...

[Guest msnher]

Lilly's Mommy - Your story touched my soul to the very core! My heart goes out to you not only because of your tragic loss, but because you are the same age as my youngest daughter. This won't take away your pain, but maybe it will bring you a moment of peace as I tell you your baby girl died feeling loved, secure and peaceful. She was not scared. One moment she was cuddled, comfortably on her mommy's chest and the next she was cradled in the arms of her angels. The suffering she went through while she was so sick is not the same suffering she went through before and at the time of her passing into the nonphysical realm. I can't even imagine the pain you live with every moment - every heartbeat - every breath of your life...reliving over and over again waking to find your baby's cold, dead body on your chest. However, that is not what it was like for her. I am convinced of that to the point of knowing...but, how can one prove "knowing"? I can't. I can only tell you that you have a horrible task ahead of you, but it is doable. And, you don't have to do it alone...not since the moment you clicked on this site. We will hold you up with our love, energy and courage. Our grief will mold with yours and strengthen you as those who have walked before you light the way.

Please tell us more about your baby angel. Post pictures if you are able - or if you want to. There are no rules here and you definitely don't have to share anything you are not comfortable in sharing. But, if you feel like it, tell us about yourself. Tell us about your other children. Just talk to us, Lilly's mom! Talk, talk and talk some more. Tell us the same story over and over if that's what's occupying your mind. Just don't carry it alone.

And, as a side note, I hope you sue the pants off that doctor! I would like to kick his butt! WTF!? But, you....now is your time to find your footing....one baby step at a time. Your baby is with you - I feel it....I feel the love she has for you and the love she knows she was given. I feel her smile and her joy. I feel it. Take it or leave it, but I speak my truth. I don't share this stuff lightly anymore. I am quite careful about it...but, this I know...she is with you, and she is happy. You will get through this, Lilly's mom. You will never be the same as you were before. But, you will survive...despite your best efforts to do otherwise. Also, I feel led to tell you that right now you have an open wound and anything and everything that brushes that wound - or even appears to come close to that wound - will increase the pain and often exaggerate the new source of the "perpetrator"....in this case your ex. That's bound to hurt. It would sting anyone. But, given your circumstances the sting is multiplied a thousand times. Everything is multiplied a thousand times. Be gentle with yourself. Your thoughts and emotions will play tricks on you as you find the strength to get up each day. Your dreams will haunt you. But, this will change. As you learn to put one foot in front of the other and not expect too much of yourself, but not allowing yourself to give up...your energy will change. Slowly...so slowly you might not even notice it, but it will happen.

Rachel's Mom - Fortunately, before I barged into my son's morning and told him how rotten he is to his wonderful, perfect mother...I spoke to my husband. He always centers and grounds me. He is my rock (and my cushion). Turns out what my son was asking for this time was reasonable. He rents from us and we are giving his home a facelift. Well, it seemed to me that we gave one thing and then he wanted another and then another and then....you know the story. My husband reminded me that this is not like times of the past. His requests were reasonable considering the work we are doing. It makes more sense to replace the flooring in the dining room and the kitchen at the same time. They need a new exhaust over the stove. A new counter top is not a need, but it certainly makes sense in light of all the facelift their kitchen is receiving. So, my morning interaction with my son went much more smoothly than I had originally planned.

[lolynbo]

WORE MY F CANCER SHIRT TO WALMART TODAY...HAD ON MY JACKET.....A MALE EMPLOYEE ASKED ME TO ZIP MY JACKET UP...THAT IT WAS OFFENSIVE TO OTHER CUSTOMERS......HE KEPT YAKKN AND I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID "AHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO".......DOES HE NOT NO THAT IS FRIKN LAW SUIT......I PRAY HE NEVER KNOWS HOW FN CANCER IS......SO NOW EVERYONE WANTS TO BUY A F CANCER SHIRT AND WEAR THEM TO WALMART AT THE SAME TIME.....MONTY AND KODY JUST STOOD THERE AND NEVER SAID A WORD....SURE WLD HAVE BEEN NICE FOR MY BOYS TO STRONG ARM HIM OR TELL HIM TO PISS OFF....BUT

[Guest msnher]

Lorri - Post a pic of you in the shirt and the jacket. Did they say what was offensive?

[Maddy6]

I wish we had a like button on the posts the way Facebook does. That way we would be acknowledging to others we are reading their posts. Just a thought :-)

[vivkib]

I wish we had a like button on the posts the way Facebook does. That way we would be acknowledging to others we are reading their posts. Just a thought :-)

Like

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my indigo family: Wow, I've just gone back about 6-8 pages to check on the new people here, as I know I must have missed some of the new posts in these last weeks. It is difficult to keep everyone straight, so please excuse if I make errors when I post to someone. I wrote down all the new names, with your sweet angels name, and hopefully that will help me to "match up" and not "mix up."

Seeing some of our family here who have not posted in a bit, (Betty, Amy, Crystal and others) is also comforting, and I must apologize for my own absence of late. It seems that with all of the daily running back and forth to the hospital with hubby for his radiation and chemo treatments, mixed in with doctor's appointments, labs, etc., by the time I get home, it is an effort to just eat supper most days! We have only 8 more days of this part of the treatment plan, then we go for reassessment by the tumor board and see what the rest of the treatment plan will consist of. (for those new, my husband, Mike (also known to some as Ralph) has pancreatic cancer, diagnosed in November of 2011, and is undergoing treatment to hopefully prepare him for surgery to remove the tumor, as it is a fairly small size and they found it early. It is wrapped around an artery, though, and that is why they are doing the chemo and radiation first--to try to shrink it away from the artery. We have many people keeping him in prayer, and some of the the things that have happened have given us comfort that those prayers are being heard, for sure.)

I have been coming on and reading, keeping you all in my prayers as always, and of course, holding you all close in my heart. I should just come on and post a line or two each day, and I will try to do that...perhaps that will help in getting to know all of those new to this site.

I am so very sorry for your losses, and hesitate to say "welcome," but I am glad that you have found Beyond Indigo, as it used to be called, and is now Grieving.com. The people here offer comfort, understanding, love, and sometimes just an "ear" to all of us and each of us, and as others have said many times we "get it." I read earlier someone had said that they "want to tell everyone that my son has died" and I think all of us here know that feeling well. I can remember wanting to actually climb on our roof and scream it out to the world...MY SON IS DEAD! How dare you all go on as if nothing has happened...our world as we knew it has stopped, why does everyone keep going about their business, going to work, running errands, going to movies, taking walks? After finding this site, I learned that those feelings are normal, and I think that is one of the most important aspects of this site...we who lose a child (or children) come here and learn that whatever we do in our grief is what WE do, and to US, that is normal. There is no real "normal" for us any longer...our world has changed, and why wouldn't it? Dee has said in the past, our world changed drastically and forever when our child was born, why wouldn't that be so if our child dies and we are still here without them? We no longer have the same, whole heart that we had. Our hearts are broken and though healing over time will eventually take place, (and this time frame is different for EVERYONE) that break in our heart will always be there. A friend I met when I first came to this site, Claudia, who lost her precious son, Joey, wrote “I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings. Yet still, there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart.”

I have held on to this thought, and it has brought comfort to me. When I try to understand why my heart still hurts, even after over five years, I remember this statement of hers, and I can relax a little in my efforts and realize that my heart still feels "broken" because it is still broken, and always will be. Over time, our pain gets "softer," but never completely gone. We find, also over time, that we are comforted by our memories for the most part, instead of being haunted by them---in the beginning, most of these memories are at best bittersweet, and at worst, searing, painful reminders of what we have lost; that in remembering them, we are reminded that there are no more memories to be made. Eventually, they become the balm that eases our pain and allows us to breathe again. And another friend from early on, Trudi, who lost her son Micheal just three months after our son Mike left this earth, has written a statement that lives in my heart and allows me strength to move through my life..."their lives are so much more than just that last day." Susannah, also has added to my "treasurey of pain relievers" with her statement that she does not believe that our children suffered...that their precious souls are gone from their earthly bodies before those horrible moments of their death. (Susannah has posted about how her other daughter even had a very vivid dream about this very thing, and in this dream had seen her sister "lifted from the accident site" by the loving God who now holds her in His loving arms, whole, happy and healed.) I believe that our children are spared that pain, and that thought has comforted me, many, many times. So many others here have posted things, straight from their hearts, that have helped each of us at one time or another. I consider all of this such a beautiful gift, and one that helps, every day. It has been said here also that our angels are together, and have indeed led us all together to this site, allowing us to have the support and understanding that we need to move through our grief. And I do believe this also.

We have some birthdays and angelversarries coming up soon...Bethany, Marcia's beautiful daughter, her birthday is Feb 7; Kayla, Lynn's precious daughter, her birthday is Feb 10, and Kourtney, Lorri's sweet angel daughter, her birthday is Feb 27. Leah's angel granddaughter, JaBoa, has a birthday on Feb 20th. Kathy's beautiful daughter, Jessica's, angelversary is Feb 18. Please know that we will be with you in thought and prayers and sending our love to you on these dates, asking that your precious children allow you to know that they are about you, always, in your heart, and near you in spirit. In looking over these dates, I noticed that Nick, Dale and Dan's handsome son, had a birthday on January 31st...I don't remember if I was here and posted for that DAN, and if I did not, I apologize. You do such beautiful rememberances of all of our angels for their birthdays and their angelversarries...Nick is so very proud of you for the comfort that you bring to each of us. I hope that you felt his sweet spirit about you on his birthday, to remind you that he is with you, always. I hope I haven't left any of the near future dates out, but I don't have many of the dates for the new parents here.

Something that I did earlier to allow both dates for our son, Mike, to be front and center, is I have gone into the avatar and in the line where it asks for the angel date, I have put Mike's birthdate and angel date, so that both show up on the front, at each post. I think a few others have done this also, and since there are so many new people here recently, if you could do this, it would help I am sure.

Again, I am so very sorry to see so many new parents here, but I am at the same time happy that you have found this site...much comfort and understanding is offered and received here, and I am sure that you will find the same. The pain of your loss is fresh, searing, and difficult if not impossible to see beyond right now. But we are here to assure you that you will once again breathe without having to remind yourselves to do so, and you will, believe it or not, once again laugh. I can still remember the first time I laughed out loud after Mike died. I actually looked around to see who had laughed and when I realized it was me, I was overcome with grief and shame that I could laugh again, while my son is dead. However, I know that this is what he would want, and that each time I laugh, it is a reminder to me that he is with me, laughing also, and loving that I am laughing.

Sonya, Lily's mom...you seem to be the newest member here--tears fell as I read your post of your baby's passing. You have so much on your plate right now, and I send prayers to you that you will find the strength you need to be there for your other two children, and that the sweet memories of your precious Lily will allow comfort to you soon. My heart to you.

Susan: I hope you are okay. I know that dark place can be all-encompassing, and difficult to climb out of. You also have much on your plate, and I pray strength for you and for Ragan, to be able to find sweet memories of your Shannon to comfort you and allow you to breathe freely once again. I am so sorry that your husband is having more medical issues that complicate the ones already there. I know this is a daily struggle for you; my heart is with you.

Greg: I hope that the troubles with Alyssa's mom are calming down or coming to a good resolution. My heart to you, as you fight this battle.

Lorri: I would like to be there to be able to go to Walmart with all of you, and walk in wearing the "Wear Grey in May shirt." I am so sorry that you had to be exposed to such unkindness and lack of understanding.

Colleen: My thoughts are with you, my friend, as you continue to move through this grief, and share your good days with us. I hope you are doing okay, weather-wise.

Betsy: I hope you are doing okay, also. Have you seen Sarah lately?

Karen: How are you?

Diane: Holding you close as you now have seen that first anniversary of your Nathan's leaving this earth and followed so soon by his first birthday since leaving, you are overwhelmed with the grief that lives in your heart. The joy and the fun and the love that Nathan was part of while still here are still with you and always will be. The doubts and the guilt you feel are a part of this grieving process; we all have known them, and can understand your sorrow and questioning. My heart to you, my friend, sending strength for your days.

Trudi: Thinking of you my friend, and each day when Mike is summoned to the radiation room, I know that our Michael and your Micheal surround him with their spirit, as many times, both of the techs in there with him are, Mike and Michael.

Susannah: I am so glad that you were able to speak with Gary before you went to your son and that the talk you had with Gary allowed you to approach your son with a more open heart. I wish you well in your work in the rental, and wish I could be there to help you. Then you could come here and help me put my Christmas decorations away!

Betty: So good to see sweet Stephen's smile...I saw your fb post outside the opera...sophisticated and beautiful as always---Peter is a lucky man.

Amy: So good to see your sweet Ashley's smile...thank you for your kind words.

Rhonda: How is TJ doing? Thinking of you.

Sherry: Davey's smile always brings a smile to my face, and I thank you for posting so I could see it once again.

Rachael, Zach's mom; Kenn, Hannah's dad; Maddy, Rachael's mom; Kevin's mom (I apologize for not knowing your name--I looked in your profile but you hadn't listed it) Robyn, Amber's mom; Lousie, Jilly's mom; Becky, JD's mom; Robyn, Chrissy's mom; Dru, Broni's mom; Sabs, Blu's mum; Sonya, Lily's mom...thank you all for sharing your child with us---we all look forward to getting to know more about your beautiful children. (I likely missed a couple of our new parents; I am hope to get to know all of you over time.) We all share your loss, understand your pain, and offer comfort to each of you, and most of all, hope...hope and the promise that you will one day smile again...your children want this for you.

Hubby and I have been watching the weather out in the midwest, and seeing the terrible snowstorms that are attacking the area, we hope all of you who are in that area are staying safe and warm.

To all of my indigo family, thank you for being here...I am so sorry that any of us has a reason to be here, but I am glad that our angels have led us here, to find comfort, support and understanding and friendship as we walk this difficult road, and helping us to find our way a little easier.

Oh, I also wanted to mention that Davis has been doing really well. He seems to realize that it is up to him to keep himself on the right road, and that we are here for him to walk with him, but he has to take the lead, and he seems to be doing that. I pray he continues...each day is a success in and of itself, and we just move through them with hope in our hearts for each new day.

love to all, for those I've not mentioned, you are each in my heart, as always.

[mikesmomrs]

I wanted to post this, especially for our new members, but for all of us, as well. (I have posted this before, but with so many new parents here, I thought I would post it again...sometimes, early on in our grief, the saddest of readings can bring some sense of comfort to our heart...I guess it is in the knowing that the pain we feel can be put into words that others might understand.)

"There are a hundred places I fear to go, so with his memory they brim;

And entering with relief, some quiet place where never fell his foot or shone his face,

I say "There is no memory of him here!" And stand, so stricken, so remembering him."

(author unknown)

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Lorri,

I changed your font to bold, as it is very hard to read on my computer.

You have abbreviated the "F" here, but I am assuming that it was spelled out on your shirt?? Where on earth did you get such a shirt? ;o)

While I completely understand your feelings, I can also understand the employee at Walmart. If I were a shopper, with young children of an age that could read.....

There is much we say here that we wouldn't shout out in public, that is why we find ourselves here, the public isn't capable of "getting it".

We love you, we understand where you are coming from, it's a cry to be heard, to make a difference in the thing that took your child away.

I go to my mailbox, and as traffic rushes by, if they are going really fast, I have found myself screaming at them "SLOW DOWN", even though they are not the ones that ran my son down on this road and killed him.... they don't know, or maybe they don't care.... too busy getting where they think they need to be to understand the trigger for me as a grieving mom....

Just sayin.....

WORE MY F CANCER SHIRT TO WALMART TODAY...HAD ON MY JACKET.....A MALE EMPLOYEE ASKED ME TO ZIP MY JACKET UP...THAT IT WAS OFFENSIVE TO OTHER CUSTOMERS......HE KEPT YAKKN AND I JUST LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID "AHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO".......DOES HE NOT NO THAT IS FRIKN LAW SUIT......I PRAY HE NEVER KNOWS HOW FN CANCER IS......SO NOW EVERYONE WANTS TO BUY A F CANCER SHIRT AND WEAR THEM TO WALMART AT THE SAME TIME.....MONTY AND KODY JUST STOOD THERE AND NEVER SAID A WORD....SURE WLD HAVE BEEN NICE FOR MY BOYS TO STRONG ARM HIM OR TELL HIM TO PISS OFF....BUT

[Guest msnher]

Carol - So nice to log on to see Mike's face this morning! Thank you so much for posting those with special dates in February. It is hard to keep up. So many. Deep sigh. I hold you and Ralph in my prayers daily!

Gary and I are in the early planning stages of a summer trip to Nevada to see his son in Carson City (just south of Reno). We will then drive to Las Vegas, stopping to visit some of the old mining towns of my early childhood (before foster homes) - spend a day or two in Vegas and then head home, going through Utah and visiting family. We will be able to hook up with Marcia while in Vegas. Of course, we will take the kids to the dam. I want them to see Vegas at night...show them Fremont st. Gosh, as a youth I cruised Fremont. It was an open, four line street with a center turning lane. It took about 45 minutes to drive three blocks because all the kids gathered there. I remember when they made it a one way street in an attempt to curb the cruising. It didn't work - we just cruised one way. The mysteries of youth. We did that every Friday and Saturday night. Go to a movie...drive through McDonald's and get a coke and fries and then cruise Fremont. A lot of growing up, social skills and driving abilities were developed within those few blocks for a lot of kids...myself included.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Carol,

Thanks for being you! Taking the time to know those that find themselves here, and tracking the dates, etc., is wonderful!

I loved the quote you mentioned by Claudia...

Claudia, who lost her precious son, Joey, wrote “I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings. Yet still, there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart.”

That sums how I feel exactly. You and yours are in my prayers today.

I wanted to post this, especially for our new members, but for all of us, as well. (I have posted this before, but with so many new parents here, I thought I would post it again...sometimes, early on in our grief, the saddest of readings can bring some sense of comfort to our heart...I guess it is in the knowing that the pain we feel can be put into words that others might understand.)

"There are a hundred places I fear to go, so with his memory they brim;

And entering with relief, some quiet place where never fell his foot or shone his face,

I say "There is no memory of him here!" And stand, so stricken, so remembering him."

(author unknown)

[Maddy6]

"There are a hundred places I fear to go, so with his memory they brim;

And entering with relief, some quiet place where never fell his foot or shone his face,

I say "There is no memory of him here!" And stand, so stricken, so remembering him."

(author unknown)

Carol,Thank you for the poem. For the understanding. It meant so much. I have not wanted to return to New Orleans where we are from for fear of memories. Often I do not realize that others experience the same things. I get guilty because I don't realize they are normal emotions.

[lolynbo]

FROM NOW ON YOU CAN FIND ME ON FB

[Guest msnher]

I just got back from my maladjusted people's meeting - otherwise known as a 12 step group.

Becky - You and I must have posted about the same time. I appreciate your perspective and can understand how Lorri's shirt might seem offensive to some. I also understand that there are people who share things on this site that they wouldn't say in public. I'm certainly one of those people. The F word is one of my favorite words. Out of respect for y'all I don't use it here (or around children). But, I can think of a lot worse things a child could see than a shirt that says "F### Cancer". Personally, when in doubt, I always ask myself, "What would George Carlin do?" Just my own perspective on the subject.

[mom24]

I just got back from my maladjusted people's meeting - otherwise known as a 12 step group.

Becky - You and I must have posted about the same time. I appreciate your perspective and can understand how Lorri's shirt might seem offensive to some. I also understand that there are people who share things on this site that they wouldn't say in public. I'm certainly one of those people. The F word is one of my favorite words. Out of respect for y'all I don't use it here (or around children). But, I can think of a lot worse things a child could see than a shirt that says "F### Cancer". Personally, when in doubt, I always ask myself, "What would George Carlin do?" Just my own perspective on the subject.

I'm truly laughing at this. Thanks for that. I use the f word on occasion myself.... I seen George live in Vegas on my honeymoon years ago. I am glad we can keep it real on here.

[mom24]

Hi all. The pain is really hitting me strong today... Will I always think of my Zach in every moment of every day? I can not see something happy, something sad, anything really-- without feeling remorse that he is missing out on life. I feel so bad for him that his life was cut short. Then I think he may be happier where he is at and that I can't wait to be with him. Then I think of my children here that still need me. The thought processes that go thorough my mind on this journey called grief are so confusing. I am looking for answers that I may never find. I am staying close to God, but just don't understand why this had to be.

On a positive note, my daughter informed us that she is expecting. While she is young--still in college-- she is engaged. I want to be happy, and am trying. Today is the three month mark to my son's death. It is hard to feel happy. I wonder if I will ever feel that emotion to the fullest again.

[Guest msnher]

Rachel - Dee, Sherry, Carol, Colleen and others have been here longer than me and are wiser concerning this journey. However, my own experience is that the answer to your question...will you always think about Zach every minute of every day...is yes, you will. But, it won't always be as painful as it is right now. Hang in there.

[dwsmithrn]

yes, rachael, i'm afraid that susannah is so right. you never stop thinking of your angel, every second of every minute of every hour of every day and every night. i am just past the one year mark and i think of nothing else. even when i think i am thinking of something else, my nathan is always right there in my every thought. and when i am sleeping, i am jarred awake by my thoughts of nathan. just when you think you can adjust your heart and mind to move together, the heart has a mind of it's own and will make you completely fall apart when you least expect it to. i am beginning to wonder if that rollercoaster ever really slows down and stops for even a moment in time. do we ever get a chance just to catch our breath? or is this it? will i ever be able to walk on my own again? will i always need someone to hold me up? is this who i am forever? answers, peeps, i need answers.....i feel like i am about to fall down a long, spiral set of stairs and there will be no one there to catch me. i have no idea what will happen to me when i reach the bottom, but it can't be good. obviously, this is a bad day. sorry. i just wrote to nathan in my journal and no matter what i have to say to him, i always cry when i write. i miss him so much, as we all do each and every one of us miss our precious angels. it's hard to write every day to him, but i can't ignore him, either. i have to tell him what my days are like without him. i have to tell him what i do every day. i have to tell him what i feel every day. it's what i do.

carol, i was so happy to see your post....long and precious, as always. i am so sorry you and 'big mike' are going through so much, and i will be anxiously awaiting to hear what the board has to say about the surgery after all the treatments are complete....i do think about you often and still cherish meeting the both of you back in september. it was so wonderful.

karen, where are you? i miss hearing from you.

lorri....i love your t-shirt....i would wear it, too. i wouldn't care who saw it...they could 'kiss my ass' if they didn't like it. i am so sick of people being 'uppity people' when they have no idea what "WE" are going through.

i went to a store several months ago and when i went to pay, the guy behind the counter said, "smile, you look like you just lost your best friend!"....i said, "you need to be careful what you say....i just lost my SON, you idiot!" he was dumbstruck and kept apologizing....i told him to use a better opening line to customers because he has no idea what kind of obstacle people are facing. he said he would.... dumbass!!!!! i just wish people would use a little common sense once in a while, that's all i'm asking....is that too much to ask for?????

ok, enough of me, time to go see hubby for awhile....my wonderful rock......

have a good night and i hope you all dream sweet dreams of your angels........love, diane

[Guest msnher]

I think it was Betsy who said that her son's death is the background noise of her life.

Diane - I wish I had answers for you! I only have two experiences to draw on...the suicide of my nephew and the death of my daughter. In many ways James' death was much more difficult than Stephanie's. Suicide leaves so many unanswered questions...even more than a death by accident or illness. I couldn't deal with James' death and ended up hiding in a bottle of booze for twelve years. Imagine my dismay when I sobered up and found grief right there waiting where I had ran from it twelve years before. For my sister, James' mother, the pain was magnified a thousand times - a million times. I wouldn't know that, of course, until Stephanie died.

My experience, thus far, with Stephanie's death is that it got real bad at about six months and stayed that way, with moments of reprieve, until about the 18 month mark. That seemed to be a turning point for me. Not a big turning point, but a curve. I began to do some things on a small scale that resembled the old me. I tried so hard to resurrect myself - my life. I think it took about six more months for me to accept the fact that "Old Susannah" was no more. In time, I emerged stronger and better than I thought possible. It's only been two and a half years for me, but I can't imagine going back to those first 18 months. That pain visits, it just doesn't control me, now.

Just today, at my AA mtg, when it was my turn to share, I said something about Stephanie...it stopped me because I always talk about "before Stephanie died" and "after Stephanie died". I looked around the room and said, "I bet y'all are wondering if I am always going to talk about her and the answer to that question is YES!" I told them that in twenty years I will still be mentioning my daughter's name. The cool thing was after that others talked about her, too. And, another woman talked about the death of her husband. He died in a motorcycle accident exactly two weeks after Steph died. We're a close bunch and I feel blessed to have them.

You have us, too, Diane. It's not ALWAYS going to be so hard...but, it will never be easy. To try to avoid falling down that spiral staircase I got real busy. I painted my whole house. When that didn't make me feel better I shaved my head - about two inches all over. When that didn't make me feel better I went to bed and ate carbs. That made me feel better. I now tell people that I have grieved well and the proof is on my ass. I was 111 when my daughter died, I'm now 145. The hair grew back. My house is still painted and now I leave my bedroom to enjoy it.

I always had a nice flower garden. I'm an ignorant gardner. I have no idea what I plant. I just dig a hole and put something in or toss the seeds and water. I also spent a lot of money on hanging plants for the outside of our house during the summer. In many ways I was a prisoner to my home during the summer. Well, Steph died in August. And, from that day forward I didn't water one plant, one flower. I didn't pull one weed. My flower garden became a junk yard for old furniture or things that needed to go to the dump.

It wasn't until last August that I cleaned up my garden. I haven't planted anything, but it's cleaned up. That was a huge step forward for me. I used to tell my friends that "I can get up and get dressed or I can do laundry, but I can't do both." During that first year I couldn't open the envelopes to pay the bills. I would pay them when they would call to find out where their money was. I just couldn't do it. Living caused my pain. Life caused my pain...so I avoided it at all costs. I'm now not only a part of life again, I enjoy it.

As a side note...I was always able to be there for my grandchildren. I showed up for them. Hope that gives you some hope. Hang on. It won't always be this hard...it just will never be easy. Hugs!!!

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ You are an amazing woman. The depth of your 'care' for those around you is astounding. I still believe this forum should hold the title of 'Beyond Indigo'. Here is where the light and love wrap round us. Those who know the path we tread are here, their words, experiences and lives reflect where we are and give us hope.

I love Claudia's words. She too was an early light in my darkness.

Seeing so many newbies and visits from those who have been here for many years shows just how this site has become a 'lifeline' for us all.

I visited Mike's memorial these past weeks. There are messages from those who know my son, those who stumbled on his site because their angelversary is the same as Mikes. Its like we are drawn to each other...we the Indigo's.

I wrote this for Mikes site. I have posted it here before. I did rearrange the phrasing but the essence is still there. As I read it now its more a statement of facts, as opposed to when I wrote it when it was a cry in the night.

Sunny and cool here ~ Peace Indigo's

When your child dies the trials and tribulations of raising a child fade to insignificance .

When your child dies the world you’ve come to know changes before your very eyes.

When your child dies life’s priorities change your focus shifts.

When your child dies you have a million unanswered questions.

When your child dies you challenge your own beliefs and question your own life.

When your child dies you live in a parallel universe of then and now.

When your child dies the future is forever altered, the past more precious than you know.

When your child dies the love you have for your child is reflected in the depth of your grief.

When your child dies time is no longer relevant, it plays tricks with your memory.

When your child dies it’s like reading a wondrous story with the last chapter missing.

When your child dies there are pockets of sadness, endless tears and a hollow ache.

When your child dies you find your heart still beats the world still turns.

When they are born they capture a part of your heart they take with them, when a child dies

[Guest msnher]

Finally! Steph's face is back! I wanted the one of her with the rose but it just wouldn't upload again.

Trudi - Love the poem...so sad and so true. (PS - you were one of the ones who helped strengthen me during those early months.)

[ericasmom]

Amen to your words Trud, to your knowing heart. I so agree iwth the name of this site, it was and always will be Beyond Indigo for me, a much better explanation of what we feel, we are BEYOND BLUE, beyond anything ever known, so the name change to me is a let down, but I get it. It allows folks to find it easier and for that I sure do get it.

Carol, I so agree with the others, your post was both informative, letting us know how you and Hubby are, and touching as you reach out to make sure of everyone here. Amazing strength and commitment.

Diane, I so agree with you about Lorri's shirt. Kids see all sorts of inapporpriate things in their everydays, saying F---Cancer is the least offensive way to use the word F---. It is a feeling so deep and profound when one loses someone because of cancer that we need to beat it and say F--- it. If nothing else, it opens a conversation with kids about loss.

watching the game kind of, and grading a zillion papers.

Did I tell you we raised over $700.00 yesterday in the sale of the birdhouses?

Hooray.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Congrats on the money raised! I tip my hat to you for all you do as a teacher. You go above and beyond.

[mom24]

I just want to say thank you to all the seasoned members who welcome us with open arms and try and help us with your experience and knowledge. You are all a ray of hope in a very hard time for those of us who are new to this inconcievable sadness and loss. Also to the other newbies like myself, I feel a connection to you that I cannot even describe with words. What I feel for each of you is something like love. I am so thankful for each and every one of you on this site. God bless us all. And may he hold our children in the palm of his hand until we can see them again.

[dwsmithrn]

dee...congrats on the fund raiser....good job...

susannah....thanks for the words of encouragement....no, i suppose no one has the answers, but i will keep searching, even if it is something to keep my mind busy. thanks for answering me and thanks for giving me some comfort. i am encouraged that there will come a day that i, too, will find some joy in the world around me. my daughter has said to me before, 'mom, i know it is hard to be both sad and happy at the same time, so thank you for trying. i know how hard it is for you.' i will keep on working on it, despite the ache in my heart.

trudi...i love the poem. the most beautiful writings i have ever read have come out of grief. sorry that we have to go through such sadness, but your poem is lovely.

good night my indigo family/friends.....diane

[Maddy6]

I miss her and what could have been....very sad :* \ just baked cookies with my 20 yo son. He craves spending time with me as he has sensed I have more of my wits about me now. As a teenager Racahel used to love to bake cookies with her brothers when they were younger. Brought back memories and missing her.

[ericasmom]

I know that it hurts Maddy, to do some of those things that Rachel loved to also do, but she is smiling from your doing it, taking up where she cannot but where she hopes you will be able to, you and her siblings. Hard work I know, missing them is such hard work, but loving them is pure and easy. Let that love guide you.

Diane, we have a foot in two worlds after losing a Child. I am glad that your Daughter knows that it is hard for you to be happy, one day at a time Diane.

Susannah, I am lucky to love my work. I am lucky to have work as well.

Rachel,it is family that forms here, unlike any other family, and while we wish you never had to be here, we hold you because you are, and we know you because we listen and hurt along with you as you tell us your story, each person's story.