Loss of an Adult Child

[RMoore]

Carol, so good to see your Mike's shining face today. Lovely. I know that the chemo must be hard on your both, but that penny you found was no doubt given to you as a gift and a sign that Mike is nearby. Always.

Susan, you needn't have positive things to share at this place, not this early anyway...you have a very full plate Sweetie, you have to grieve no matter what else is on that plate.

Amber's Mom, remembering the day that changed your world will always be right there as a replay or a looped film, it is going to be like that for a while, later on, you might find as I did, that keeping that loop going is very taxing, and that it takes up the room in your spirit that will eventually be filled with the best of your life and memories, tucked beside the grief, learning to live with them side-by-side. I am sorry for the cold attitude you received in the hospital, the lack of empathy.You needn't leave parts of it out unless they make you uncomfortable, no worries about us, we sure do get it, many of us with similar experiences

about us, we sure do get it, many of us with similar experiences.

I was blessed with beautiful videos and images so real and a comforting hand upon my back

I could hear Amber saying "It's ok momma " or "I'm happy now"

sadly when the numbness began to wear off the bad visions replaced the beautiful ones

the horrific words replaced the loving ones. As for "the call" I think I posted wrong I was posting

in response to another post but I am still learning the site, it was a little confusing if it was a repostor what IDk anyways .. Thank you all for being here for each other and me, sadly MADD has done nothing but make me MAD I will say the best and ONLY thing they did was refer me to this site. Love, Prayers and hugs to all

Ambers Momma

[Dru]

My heart goes out to you. It is an eye opener to realize how similar many of our experiences have been. The world is very hard place to live, and the death experience affects us all sooner or later. I'm glad you posted, it does me good to realize that others are hurting too. I'm not glad you are hurting, but realizing others hurt too helps me take my focus off me. Have a great day. I wish you well.

Thank you for your words, and yes, the knowing and having contact with others that know the depths of pain and hurt we are going thru does comfort in some way. It feels at least someone out there knows what is going on inside of me, that "knows". Really knows, without words even. People are so kind and caring, but they dont know unless they have experieced it themselves. Dru

[Dru]

I have not posted in a while, but read every day.

Susannah-Don't ever think you are annoying or offensive. Like Carol said, you add so much to this site, and I have missed your posts recently. I understand not feeling up to posting, but whenever you feel up to it, I enjoy what you have to say.

Carol-Thinking of you and Mike as you fight this. Young Mike definitely had a hand in the 1964 penny. It's not like those are normally found just laying around in your bathroom! Mike is letting you know he is always with you and his dad.

Dru-I am sorry for the loss of your dear Broni. My 23 yr old Ashley died in almost the exact same way. She had swine flu in September of 2009, but seemed to recover after about a week. In mid November 2009, she was sick again, this time from mono and pneumonia. She was hospitalized and put on a ventilator and put in a medically induced coma about 2 Wks before her 23rd birthday. In early December, they took her out of ICU, and out of the coma, and into the step down ward. Within 24 hrs, she had 106 degree fever, and her lung collapsed due to ventilator acquired pneumonia. Her doctor wanted to fly her to Columbus and put her on an EKMO machine, but Columbus wouldn't accept her since she was so sick. Well, she made it through the night, but then her kidneys failed, so she was on dialysis. She started recovering though, and in early Jan 2010, she was taken out of the ICU again, into step-down. About a week later her kidneys started functioning again, and she didn't need dialysis anymore. She was still on the ventilator, and very weak, since it had been 2 months. They began weaning her off the ventilator, and she was starting to breathe with very little support. On Feb 9, 2010, the doctors said she could have a slushy and ice pops, (her very first "food" in almost 3 months). I showed up with the slushy, but they wouldn't let her have it until her heart rate went down. I was very high, and the medication was not bringing it down. I knew she had a blood clot in her arm, and knew if it travelled to the lung, it could cause the rapid heart rate. The nurses said it couldn't be that, because she was on blood thinners. Well eventually it dropped, all the way to zero, and she was code blue, probably because of a blood clot. They weren't able to keep her heart going. Ironically, The summer before she got sick, she told me she would not live to be 25, and she was right. she told several people that. I told her not to say that. Less than 6 months later, she was gone.

Her 2 yr anniversary is in about 2 wks. I never thought I'd survive, and some days it just feels like I exist, but I try to keep going for my 18 yr old daughter. I also have 3 step kids, and 5 step grand kids. I also thank the other parents here who've helped me just by being here.

Today, my husband called and said "Guess where the cat is?" And the proceeded to tell me she was on Ashley! The ca was sitting on her urn! It was probably just coincidence, but I'd like to think that could feel her presence. Weird, I know...

Amy/Ashley's mom

Amy, our daughters" experience does sound similar and I feel for you, you must have been going thru so much stress, up and down over a long period of time it sounds like before Ashley passed. I know that I was stressed to the max, and I was so sure that my Broni would be ok, she would come thru it, so the shock when it happens is beyond words. The unbelievability of it, she cant be gone, I still find it hard to accept. It is 59 weeks and 4 days since my Broni died. It seems to get harder the longer time goes. One day I recently I put on a pair of Bronis' sox and our little Jack Russell dog went all funny, sniffing and pulling at the sox, I know that he knew they were Bronis' and he was trying to be with her in the way of her sox. He has never done that with my sox ever. They use to play around a lot together. Amy my thoughts are with you, and especially in 2 weeks time, take care. Dru

[Dru]

Hi Dru, so sad that you need a place to be but so happy that you found this place. Many here are in that same first year and actually, first months timeline. Some of us here much longer but will never forget those firsts in our grief. Broni sounds like a lovely young lady, and your pride in her is beautiful. We have another on this site from Australia, whom you will see here as well. I am8.5 years on this journey, here to let newer to this pain know, that it will get better but that there is no way to go around or under grief, just through.

I read a lot of memoir after Eri died, one book that you may really see so much of your loss in comes in the book: PAULA, by Isabelle Alende'. Her daughter, Paula died from an illness as well, and she explains the ins and outs of that time so well. Later, after her life got some sense of semblance again, she wrote another memoir' as a book to Paula telling her how the whole family is, what they have done to carry on and carry her with them through the tears and through the healing. That book is called: The Sum of our Days.

Keep posting, keep saying Broni's name, talk to her, she is not faraway.

Susannah, it's been a while, how are you?

Hi Ericasmom, thank you for the info on the book Paula by Isabelle Alende, I will try to get hold of it soon as it sounds like it could be of help. I talk about Broni as much as I can but not everyone is comfortable with how to deal with me I think, so they tend not to go there in case I hurt, but they dont realize that I hurt more by not talking about Broni. That is why it is good to connect with others who are not afraid to talk of their child Take care, Dru.

[shorty16]

Dru,

For me, the grieving process did get harder before it got better. I am 3 years, 6 months and 18 days on this journey and it is a bit softer now then it was the first 2 years.

I became very frustrated that it took so long for me to begin to enjoy life again. The changes or improvements in us are so miniscule that we hardly recognize that we actually do feel a bit better.

Currently, the times between dates are good for me. I do miss Brian terribly, but the physical pain does not control me as much. Come June and July, those are the cloudy months for us. June-angel, July-B-day. Holidays - Forget it, I just want to run away.

Hang on my friend, tell us about your sweet child as you walk in the paths of those who have walked before you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Kenn

Humor is always welcome here. My son Brian was one big funny-bone. He would make me laugh even when I was trying to make a specific point.

There have been times after Brians death when the funniest thoughts have just popped (slammed, thrown) into my head and I would not have said something like that - it was Brian making me laugh again.

The funniest was when I was outside talking to Brian and telling him how nice Aaron's girlfriend was. Then I heard "How do you know she is not a guy?" I could not believe that thought came into my head, I just laughed, shook my head and said "Thanks Bri-Guy"

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Maddy6]

I wanted to give you'll this link. It is a story about a mom whose daughter died in a skiing accident and her heart was donated. Because of the internet they met and the mom got to hear her daughter's heartbeat again. It made me so happy for this mom. And then a little bit of envy at how awesome that would be.

http://www.godvine.c...t-Time-649.htm.

[Maddy6]

.....

[Kenn]

I think you stole my username, because I'm the one who's slowlygettingup every morning lately.

When I think back over the lifetime of my daughter I have so many memories of things that cause deep regret for me. I've gone through beating myself up for not being a perfect dad able to do everything right when I was raising my children, to realizing that I'm so stupid sometimes, and do some of the dumbest things. Not knowing that I should have shown more of my love to Hannah when she was a child is one of the greatest regrets I have. I was there, but I wasn't always there for her. When she was going through some major stress as a child that I now know about, I was working through some major stresses myself so I wasn't there for her. Since her death I have gone over and over the many mistakes I made while I had a chance to make a difference in her life. Going back isn't possible, so I have no choice but to accept that I'm not God. I am stupid, an idiot, a fool, and I own my mistakes. Acknowledging that I'm not perfect, but I am just a normal person like everyone else who makes stupid mistakes helps me accept things. None of us are perfect, so I'm not going to keep blaming myself for not being perfect. If I could I would have done everything just right when it came to Hannah, but I didn't know how to do that. I wanted to be a perfect dad, but I couldn't because I didn't know how. I am not God. Realizing my limitations helps me forgive myself for the many times I failed. There are so many things I would do differently if I could go back, but I can't. All I can do now is accept things as they are, and be a better dad and grandfather for the things I have learned. I forgive myself. I forgive myself. I forgive myself for not being perfect.

I wanted to give you'll this link. It is a story about a mom whose daughter died in a skiing accident and her heart was donated. Because of the internet they met and the mom got to hear her daughter's heartbeat again. It made me so happy for this mom. And then a little bit of envy at how awesome that would be.

http://www.godvine.c...t-Time-649.html

I wanted to thank everyone on this site who has endured my rantings. Because we were in the midst of recovering from a long and difficult situation from Hurricane Katrina, I had severe PTSD when Racahel died, I lost my way for a very, very long time. I beat myself up and self loathed myself. I truly believed because I had failed Rachael in so many ways that I was not worthy to be a mother to my living children. Upon realizing my selfish reaction to my living children, I heaped even more guilt upon myself. The burden of this guilt was heavy. I have carried it for a very long time. In time the raw pain would lessen and I would be able to come to this site. Now, I feel as if I have experienced a multitude of grief stages in a brief period of time. I do not know anything about psychology, but that is how I feel. This site offered me the opportunity to know there were others that had endured, and understood the deep black hole I lived on a daily basis. I have read so many of your stories, wept for each of you, looked at beautiful pictures of your precious children and families. I have longed to erase that pain and prayed for God to comfort so many of you. I look at what excellent mom's you all are and must have been to your children and then I heap more guilt upon myself and blame myself for the things I could have, should have, did, and didn't do,that caused Rachael to use drugs. Then at some point I have realized my narcissism and that this is not all about me. I must accept what has happened. First Katrina and the decision to remain in Texas, I must accept Rachael's death, I must accept the fact and this is the most painful.....that there were things I did as a mom that attributed to Racahel's choice to use drugs, but the choice to use the drugs that took Rachael's life was Rachael's choice......she made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But the place I am beginning to come to is that it is OK to begin living again. But that part kind of scares me. It scares me because it was safe when I didn't feel. It was safe when I smiled and laughed and pretended to be normal so others didn't know the deep, dark abyss I wallowed in and endured daily. But now I am on the fringe of reentering the world. That scares me. It scares me because I will be saying good bye to the pain that somehow I found comforting for so long. But what really scares me is that I am worried I am saying good bye to Rachael. But if I do not move forward and do this, do not seek to live, do not seek to be happy again (not pretend happy, but real happy), then my living children will be hurt. For so long I truly, truly believed my living children would be better off without me, that I was such an utter failure as a mother. Somehow I am beginning to see that I can go on from here and be a good mom. And maybe, just maybe I could even feel like and even believe I was a good mom. It has been so long since I felt like that. I remember when I was a good mom. A good mom was who I wanted to be. A good mom was my life. I realize now that that is where I went wrong. When I began believing I was a failure as a mom, the essence of me died. I need to face my future with the realization that life is fragile, mistakes happen, that is fact. I can and will make mistakes again in my future, even though I try my best. I need to face life with courage so my other children can feel and know my love. Not just a zombie mom's love, but a fun, vivacious mom. The kind of mom they knew a very long time ago. I also need to accept that I am changed. I cannot hold onto what caused the change, but I can embrace the change. And what I really need to do is forgive. The only way I can end my anger and bury it is to forgive. When I do this I will then be free to love and live and even trust again. Although this time when I trust it will be with the realization that life is fragile. Life is precious. Enjoy every moment, love others......for while I have been wasting away and wallowing in my pain and grief, this precious gift called life has been moving on. I will not get one minute back. I have already lost so much time with my living children. I need to embrace the moment. Each and every moment. I know I will face other times of sadness and times of grief, I will still remember Racahel and still deal with regrets. But for today. This is the first time I have begun to feel life again since August 7, 2007 and before that, August 29, 2005. And if life throws another curve ball at me, which I am aware now is part of life, quite possibly I will be stronger and better prepared to face it and display to my children strength, and courage, and dignity. Do I want this to happen? Not just no, hell no!! But if and when something happens, the changed person I am is stronger and more capable to accept, to deal, to be courageous.I am sorry for rambling so long. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my musings. I thank you so very much Indigo friends for being here and listening and caring. My heart goes out to so many of you. So many of us have been through so much. I want to continue to get to know each of you. To be a supportive, caring person who can listen and let you know that I have been to hell and back, and if I can come back ,you will one day also. May God comfort each of us and give us the calm assurance of what a glorious day it will be when we are reunited with our children.

[westleysmom]

Maddy-Your words touched me very deeply, I felt as if you were reading my mind. My son Westley has been gone 2 years now and I have another daughter and sometimes I feel like I'm letting her down so much. They were so very different, my daugher and my son, she the elder more responsible and he the baby of our family. One time not long before, one of the guys he worked with teased him and and said he was a Mama's boy. Westley told him "Damn straight, I am!" He knew how much I loved him. I am like you, scared to move beyond my grief, because it feels like letting him go. Thank you so much for your words. You are in my thoughts.

Kenn-I'm not sure, but I think there's a song (maybe its a poem or just an essay) that says "You have to learn to live with what you can't take back." I think of that all the time and haven't quite gotten there yet. Still working on it, though. I try to remind myself that we're all just doing the best we can, and that's all we've ever done. Not the best, the BEST WE CAN.

I'm so sorry for all the new members here and wish I could post to all, but need to go. This place saved me time and time again, and while I don't post as much as before, I try to read and keep up with everyone. Hugs to all.

[ericasmom]

Yep, personal best is my daily goal, and certainly I don't always make that, but it is what I try for. I tell my third graders too, all anyone can do is their personal best, and it is not the same as someone else's personal best. Rhonda, good to see you. Kenn, forgiveness of one's shortcomings is a big step. We all have our failings, but I can pretty much guarantee that our Angels, our children, do not look at us as those who let them down, but those who raised them with love,. OUr personal best.

[ericasmom]

Maddy, I so agree with Rhonda, your words are filled with your heart, the ache but now a bit of hope shining through and to that I tip my hat and say a prayer that you can sustain a bit of hope, grow it like a garden. I know it feels like you are leaving your Child behind, but I swear the opposite happens, leaving the guilt is a huge space and energy, making room for so much more. The more that your child would hope for in your life.

[robyn]

I wanted to give you'll this link. It is a story about a mom whose daughter died in a skiing accident and her heart was donated. Because of the internet they met and the mom got to hear her daughter's heartbeat again. It made me so happy for this mom. And then a little bit of envy at how awesome that would be.

http://www.godvine.com/Mother-Hears-her-Daughter-s-Heart-Beat-One-Last-Time-649.html

I wanted to thank everyone on this site who has endured my rantings. Because we were in the midst of recovering from a long and difficult situation from Hurricane Katrina, I had severe PTSD when Racahel died, I lost my way for a very, very long time. I beat myself up and self loathed myself. I truly believed because I had failed Rachael in so many ways that I was not worthy to be a mother to my living children. Upon realizing my selfish reaction to my living children, I heaped even more guilt upon myself. The burden of this guilt was heavy. I have carried it for a very long time. In time the raw pain would lessen and I would be able to come to this site. Now, I feel as if I have experienced a multitude of grief stages in a brief period of time. I do not know anything about psychology, but that is how I feel. This site offered me the opportunity to know there were others that had endured, and understood the deep black hole I lived on a daily basis. I have read so many of your stories, wept for each of you, looked at beautiful pictures of your precious children and families. I have longed to erase that pain and prayed for God to comfort so many of you. I look at what excellent mom's you all are and must have been to your children and then I heap more guilt upon myself and blame myself for the things I could have, should have, did, and didn't do,that caused Rachael to use drugs. Then at some point I have realized my narcissism and that this is not all about me. I must accept what has happened. First Katrina and the decision to remain in Texas, I must accept Rachael's death, I must accept the fact and this is the most painful.....that there were things I did as a mom that attributed to Racahel's choice to use drugs, but the choice to use the drugs that took Rachael's life was Rachael's choice......she made a mistake. We all make mistakes. But the place I am beginning to come to is that it is OK to begin living again. But that part kind of scares me. It scares me because it was safe when I didn't feel. It was safe when I smiled and laughed and pretended to be normal so others didn't know the deep, dark abyss I wallowed in and endured daily. But now I am on the fringe of reentering the world. That scares me. It scares me because I will be saying good bye to the pain that somehow I found comforting for so long. But what really scares me is that I am worried I am saying good bye to Rachael. But if I do not move forward and do this, do not seek to live, do not seek to be happy again (not pretend happy, but real happy), then my living children will be hurt. For so long I truly, truly believed my living children would be better off without me, that I was such an utter failure as a mother. Somehow I am beginning to see that I can go on from here and be a good mom. And maybe, just maybe I could even feel like and even believe I was a good mom. It has been so long since I felt like that. I remember when I was a good mom. A good mom was who I wanted to be. A good mom was my life. I realize now that that is where I went wrong. When I began believing I was a failure as a mom, the essence of me died. I need to face my future with the realization that life is fragile, mistakes happen, that is fact. I can and will make mistakes again in my future, even though I try my best. I need to face life with courage so my other children can feel and know my love. Not just a zombie mom's love, but a fun, vivacious mom. The kind of mom they knew a very long time ago. I also need to accept that I am changed. I cannot hold onto what caused the change, but I can embrace the change. And what I really need to do is forgive. The only way I can end my anger and bury it is to forgive. When I do this I will then be free to love and live and even trust again. Although this time when I trust it will be with the realization that life is fragile. Life is precious. Enjoy every moment, love others......for while I have been wasting away and wallowing in my pain and grief, this precious gift called life has been moving on. I will not get one minute back. I have already lost so much time with my living children. I need to embrace the moment. Each and every moment. I know I will face other times of sadness and times of grief, I will still remember Racahel and still deal with regrets. But for today. This is the first time I have begun to feel life again since August 7, 2007 and before that, August 29, 2005. And if life throws another curve ball at me, which I am aware now is part of life, quite possibly I will be stronger and better prepared to face it and display to my children strength, and courage, and dignity. Do I want this to happen? Not just no, hell no!! But if and when something happens, the changed person I am is stronger and more capable to accept, to deal, to be courageous.I am sorry for rambling so long. I am sorry if I offended anyone with my musings. I thank you so very much Indigo friends for being here and listening and caring. My heart goes out to so many of you. So many of us have been through so much. I want to continue to get to know each of you. To be a supportive, caring person who can listen and let you know that I have been to hell and back, and if I can come back ,you will one day also. May God comfort each of us and give us the calm assurance of what a glorious day it will be when we are reunited with our children.

Maddy,

I can't imagine that "endure" is the right word. This IS the place to rant and know that you will be met with as much love as everyone here has to give. I think we can all agree that losing a child, at any age, is the worst nightmare any person can live through, yet here we are- hurt, stumbling around, but leaning on each other. I thank God for this site.

Honey, rant away!

Love,

Robyn

[robyn]

There is a time for everything. A time to be strong, and a time to cry. When it comes to grieving, just getting through the day is a matter of being strong for some of us. Sometimes I hurt so bad I ache inside. I can be crying inside and the moment a friend comes by I put on the smile and act like everything is just great. My wife is the one person I'm able to open up to and share some of my feelings, but I don't do that often. Even when I post here you will see me making a joke from time to time, on a forum where there might not be a place for joking. The weird thing is, I'm not doing it to try to be strong. I'm just being me.

Isn't it strange how different we all are, and how differently we handle these situations. The loss of my daughter has changed me, and I know I am a better person from the lessons learned going through this awful tragedy. My mind is programmed to look at things as they are and take hold of the good that can come out of this. All the bad memories are burned into my mind and will always be a part of me. Knowing that nothing can ever hurt my daughter again gives me comfort. I have a reason for hope, and hope gives me a strength that passes all understanding. Looking beyond the tragedy to the good that I believe is ahead helps me to be strong without trying.

I loved your post. "Strong" is definately a matter of perception and place, isn't it? When I am with my family, I try the hardest to keep a "game" face, afraid that if I show the slightest sadness, that everyone will fall apart and the little ones will be frightened (they still don't really understand). Everyone else just acts like life goes on, no matter what.

Speaking for myself, I don't mind humor, even a little bit. Chrissy loved being a goofball sometimes, and those are the memories that still make me smile.

I know that our kids are in a place where they can see all of God's plan, and I know they approve. It is left to us to "surrender and trust". I can promise you, I am doing the best I can in this. We will be in that place, too, someday. For right now, I am leaning on God for whatever strength I need, and would be lost without that.

Robyn

2 months, 9 days

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Sabs]

Hi Everyone,

I have been away and not been able to post for a couple of days...but I have been reading all that has gone up. What strikes me is how much I can relate, understand and be comforted by you all. The comfort comes from our shared experiences and ability to empathize with each other - no one knows what I am feeling ...the way all of you do. I am thinking of you all and so much appreciating your strength in sharing. Thanks for your message Susan, I'm away at the moment but when I get back I will Write. You are all amazing people, thank you to all of the members who are longer on the road, your advice and experience is invaluable and to all of you who are in the early stages, like my self...keep talking...it takes courage, and energy but helps us all. Thank you.

Sabs.

[daveydow1]

Dru-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Broni. I hope you can keep coming to BI.

I have been on here over 8 yrs. now, along with Dee. After my son was killed on the highway

in 2003, I had no one to whom I could really talk to, so coming on to BI has been a lifeline for

me. when Lisa, my baby girl, died many years ago, there was no place to turn, really, so I just

had to muddole my way through. Everyone here knows the devastating sorrow and pain that

you now feel over the loss of your sweet daughter. Wishing you peace.

Ambersmom-----I had a large lump in my throat when I read your post about your dear Amber's

passing from the accident. Your pain is so raw and fresh, being so new to this journey. When

you come to BI you are part of the BI family, and everyone understands. Please come back

and post/read whenever you can. Thoughts & prayers.

Kenn-----I'm sorry for your loss of dear daughter, Hannah. While no one here wants to ever

have to welcome new parents, since a parent's worst nightmare has occurred, please

know that we all care and understand.

Sabs------I'm glad that you have found BI since it is a good site to be on when the terrible tragedy

of losing a child hits. I've been on here a long time, and have found it is the best site of its kind.

Everyone here shares......and in sharing, it eases the pain & sadness. Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[mom24]

Hello, I have been reading and trying to keep up. So many new people.. I haven't posted much and have really hit reality, depression, whatever you want to label it. The shock is gone. I thought I knew pain before, but this is very difficult. My son died on 11-5-11 in a car/train accident. He was my oldest of four children. He was 21 years old. There is a hole in my soul that will never be filled. I was told today from a mother who lost her daughter 16 years ago that the hole eventually gets smaller. It is gaping for me right now. I have been told that anxiety is radiating out of me and that it needs to get under control. There are many other stress factors going on as well- but the grief takes presedence.. I hate to be selfish and just talk about myself, but that is where I am at right now.. I want to talk all the time and don't want to wear people in my life out-- I have started going to a counselor.. Does anyone else just feel like unloading on everyone?? I want to tell everyone I just lost my son... But, I refrain.. Sometimes. I am not looking for sympathy, just answers that I know I will never find but continue to seek... why? why? why?

[shorty16]

Rachael,

I can totally relate. All I wanted to do is talk about Brian for months after his death - that is when I can here and uploaded pictures, told funny stories and just busied myself from the terrible pain.

Your friend is right, the hole will get smaller, but it will never go away.

What you are experiencing is normal. Some people would journal, but my mind ran too fast to document what I was thinking.

Be kind to yourself.

Love

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Dear Slowly-Getting Up

I, for one, am honored that you would share your inner-most feelings with us. I read your story, feeling your pain and wondering how to go on.

To hear you see a tiny glimmer in the distance - made my heart jump. That is exactly how it was for me - just a pin-point of light - in the beginning. Then that tiny light grew larger and filled more of my day.

I had a choice each minute of each day to be happy or miserable. That choice has to be made so many times in one day - sometimes, we just cave. But other times we begin to function in the new life we do not want.

Please - Rant-away!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[Kenn]

Hi Rachael, I know too well what you are feeling. My daughter died July 26, so it will be 6 months the 26th of this month. I still have a hole in my heart, but at least it isn't as much of an open wound as it used to be. Time is a wonderful healer. I think anxiety is a natural response to having faced such trauma in our lives. Right after my daughter's death her fiance and I made a trip together out of state. We drove 12 hours there, stayed three days, and drove 12 hours back. By the time we got home I felt like my ears had been talked off. I'll bet he felt the same way. It was hard for us, but it did do us both a lot of good. One day right after it happened I was in a store buying some things for a project I was working on. Another man was there with his little daughters getting some things. One of the little girls looked so much my daughter when she was that age, and I couldn't take my eyes off her. Finally I noticed that he was watching me in a cautious way. Knowing what he must be thinking I went over to him and told him about my daughter's death. I couldn't keep my wounded emotions under control, so I quickly wiped my tears and got myself out of there. That was hard, but since then acceptance has made things easier, and I haven't had anymore breakdowns like that. We all feel like we need to talk, that's why we are here. So you aren't that much different than anyone I've met here. The why, why, why, is because we live in a hard world where death is a normal part of life that everyone will face. We can't shield ourselves from some of the harsh realities of life, but we can learn to go on living in spite of them. You and I are in luck, because we have found a place where it is okay to share our heart. It is okay to be ourselves. It is okay to ask "WHY!" It is okay to be weak and show our pain. Everyone here has done the same thing and understands. If I didn't come back again, I can say that the things I've read during my visits here have really helped me. I wish you the best Rachael.

Hello, I have been reading and trying to keep up. So many new people.. I haven't posted much and have really hit reality, depression, whatever you want to label it. The shock is gone. I thought I knew pain before, but this is very difficult. My son died on 11-5-11 in a car/train accident. He was my oldest of four children. He was 21 years old. There is a hole in my soul that will never be filled. I was told today from a mother who lost her daughter 16 years ago that the hole eventually gets smaller. It is gaping for me right now. I have been told that anxiety is radiating out of me and that it needs to get under control. There are many other stress factors going on as well- but the grief takes presedence.. I hate to be selfish and just talk about myself, but that is where I am at right now.. I want to talk all the time and don't want to wear people in my life out-- I have started going to a counselor.. Does anyone else just feel like unloading on everyone?? I want to tell everyone I just lost my son... But, I refrain.. Sometimes. I am not looking for sympathy, just answers that I know I will never find but continue to seek... why? why? why?

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[mom24]

Just wanted to share a prayer that was given to me today from another mom who has lost her son.

We Rememember Them

In the rising of the sun and in its going down

We remember them

In the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter

We remember them

In the opening of buds and in the warmth of summer

We remember them

In the rustling of leaves and the beauty of autumn

We remember them

In the beginning of the year and when it ends

We remember them

When we are weary and in need of strength

We remember them

When we are lost and sick at heart

We remember them

When we have joys we yearn to share

We remember them

So long as we live, they too shall live

for they are now part of us

We remember them

[mom24]

This picture of my son Zach was taken just 2 weeks prior to his passing. It was such a good day. We were celebrating his son's first birthday at a local park/zoo. I am so thankful for this day. I love you Zach!

[robyn]

This picture of my son Zach was taken just 2 weeks prior to his passing. It was such a good day. We were celebrating his son's first birthday at a local park/zoo. I am so thankful for this day. I love you Zach!

What a beautiful young man.

[ericasmom]

Rachel, how lovely that photo, the joy in both of the boys' faces, a love that will always be present.

May this day bring a small smile to your hearts.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Here in Wisconsin the weather is really good. It is actually in the 40's F.

Reading the posts concerning this group helping people to see they do have a life after the death of a child just makes my heart sing.

That is what it is all about - giving hope to people. Helping them to realize that they hold the power to take part in life.

I still do not want this life without Brian. I still want to turn back the clock and not allow those 3 boys to leave my house. But that is not to be. Their decisions that day changed the lives of so many people.

My next step is to give-up on the thought "If Mike would not have been driving so fast (68mph), Brian may not have died." It is those "What if's" that are keeping me from forgiveness.

Any ideas?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Kenn]

It is okay to have the "What If's" but it is not okay to let them keep hurting you. I never want to forget any of the things that have happened to me in the past. It is all the what if's that have changed me in to a better person. Our experiences, good and bad, and the way we handle them make us who we become. I know I'm a better person than I once was, so I guess all the pain is necessary. Accepting each new hurt has been key to me going on and being able to be some good for the people I love. The what if's will always be a part of us, but the reality of the way things are help me to have compassion. I want to be forgiven, so I want to have a forgiving heart. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to overlook an offense. It does mean you have to stop letting the offense hurt you by harboring anger that will only harm you more. I'm so sorry for your loss and the hurt you are still facing. I hope this day is is a very good day for you.

Hello my friends,

Here in Wisconsin the weather is really good. It is actually in the 40's F.

Reading the posts concerning this group helping people to see they do have a life after the death of a child just makes my heart sing.

That is what it is all about - giving hope to people. Helping them to realize that they hold the power to take part in life.

I still do not want this life without Brian. I still want to turn back the clock and not allow those 3 boys to leave my house. But that is not to be. Their decisions that day changed the lives of so many people.

My next step is to give-up on the thought "If Mike would not have been driving so fast (68mph), Brian may not have died." It is those "What if's" that are keeping me from forgiveness.

Any ideas?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I seem to go in cycles, one day poetry, another creating what I hope are beautiful pictures. It does keep my mind occupied on more positive things than the battles I am still facing. One moment at a time....

[Anglsgme42]

Hello all,

It’s Ashlee’s mom, Crystal… I had to reregister under a different name and password.

I’ve been thinking of you all so very much lately and wanted to stop by and see how you are. Some of you have been following my face book posts and continue to send prayers, encouraging words and just peeking in to see if I’m okay.

So much has happen since my last blog on here. Ashlee’s trial was two weeks ago and Dylan was convicted of Manslaughter. His sentencing is March 3^rd. I still struggle knowing I will never see Ashlee again but for all the new parents on here it’s not minute by minute anymore. Every day I seem to cry less, focus more on things around me and finally feel joy again.

My prayer for all the new parents is someday you will feel the peace of God during your storm and look to him for comfort. ((hugs))

Crystal

[robyn]

I read through some of the posts, and prayed for everyone, but particularly those who are having so much trouble with the pain. I understand how badly you want it to stop, questioning yourselves along the way- "Am I trying to leave my child in the past?"

I really want to assure you, the pain WILL subside, and no, you aren't pushing the memory of your child to the back of your mind. We can't ever do that, no matter what we do, and that is, ultimately, a very good thing.

We may not have had our babies for a long time, but think of how much we learned from them. Think of the wonderful memories they left us with. Think about how the day will come (and it WILL come) when those memories will come out of nowhere, while we are doing something else, and put a big smile on our faces. Our kids loved us, don't want us to be broken, and want us to know that they are OK.

I have put a couple of sites in here for everyone. The song "Rise" was one of Chrissy's favorites, and I swear to you, it makes me want to dance whenever I hear it! I wanted to share these with you.

I just want to warn you a little...? Some of the videos listed on the right hand side when you access some of the Christian videos are a little maudlin. I understand the feelings some may have had in posting them- we all know about sorrow, but don't get "lost" in them. I did one night, while going through some of the videos and after a while was a bit suicidal. I heard Chrissy's voice, as clear as a bell, "What are you DOIN' Mom?", in that tone as if she had caught me kissing the mailman! Made me laugh and shook me out of my funk!

Please enjoy the videos.

http://www.insight.org/library/insight-for-today/slow-down.html

Chuck Swindoll and his Insight for Living has been a tremendous source of comfort over the years, and is so, for me, now. But today's devotional seemed truly "on the nose". He has a whole library at this site that you can browse through, if you like

This is the song Rise by Shawn McDonald

Strong Enough by Matthew West

[robyn]

Hello my friends,

Here in Wisconsin the weather is really good. It is actually in the 40's F.

Reading the posts concerning this group helping people to see they do have a life after the death of a child just makes my heart sing.

That is what it is all about - giving hope to people. Helping them to realize that they hold the power to take part in life.

I still do not want this life without Brian. I still want to turn back the clock and not allow those 3 boys to leave my house. But that is not to be. Their decisions that day changed the lives of so many people.

My next step is to give-up on the thought "If Mike would not have been driving so fast (68mph), Brian may not have died." It is those "What if's" that are keeping me from forgiveness.

Any ideas?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen,

We went through a (thankfully, brief) time after Chrissy went home, where we were angry and questioning if a woman, a new friend of Chrissy's, had had a hand in her death. We based it on assumptions and some things in her past that caused us to question this. Thank God, that isn't the case, but at the time, I wanted this woman's very blood. It was my husband who shook me into reality. He told me that we would forgive her, because Chrissy already HAD, and it was what God demands of us.

To forgive others and to love them as ourselves is the toughest commandment Christ left us with. But it also frees us. It takes a burden off our hearts that we just can't carry, and makes our sorrow that much greater.

I'm glad that you will have some justice, but now, you must be good to yourself. I pray that the "what if's" will release you and that whatever anger is left will dissipate, leaving you with the love and good memories of your child.

Much love,

Robyn

[robyn]

I seem to go in cycles, one day poetry, another creating what I hope are beautiful pictures. It does keep my mind occupied on more positive things than the battles I am still facing. One moment at a time....

Becky,

I love those pictures! They are beautiful. I started keeping a journal. I have been told that it is a good way to work out your feelings. I don't know about that- I'm 60 years old and never did this before in my whole life! But we will see how it goes?

Robyn

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks, Robyn! We could copy our posts from here and have enough to fill a journal! I have kept all my poems together, and some things I have written down as they happened, but I think that's a good idea.

Becky,

I love those pictures! They are beautiful. I started keeping a journal. I have been told that it is a good way to work out your feelings. I don't know about that- I'm 60 years old and never did this before in my whole life! But we will see how it goes?

Robyn

[ericasmom]

Robyn, the great thing about journaling is that you look back at your entries and see the growth you have made, or you see where you are stuck, either way, it is a good way to learn from your own heart. Age does not matter in keeping a record of your days. All days matter. Take one hour at a time for now, later on it will become easiser to get through a half day at a time, and then more.

[Maddy6]

://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=4M-zwE33zHA

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Maddy,

I looked at your drawings and responded on the other topic. They were great! I can't draw a lick, but can negotiate the computer graphic programs pretty well. It takes my mind in a more positive direction. My thoughts are always on my son in one way or another, but I have found that 'creating' has given me focus, and some peace, but then I will be so tired at the end, that I still cry....

Becky, You could even start a business and offer those pictures for sale with other people's children who have passed. I kept seeing them and was even wondering where you were buying thm :-)!! I have an incredible picture of Rachael smelling a rose, it is a heavenly type of picture. It was a complete fluke. She bent to smell the rose and the photographer was there and quickly snapped it. It is the picture we have on her urn. Her urn is a photo urn. I would imagine other parents would love the kind of pictures you are creating though. I know as I become more skilled in my Graphic Art classes. I will certainly try my hand at some of those things in photo shop. I posted some of my hand artwork today on a new topic, Recovering from Loss, if you want to see it. But I cannot wait until I can do what you are doing. Your pictures are beautiful, absolutely beautiful.Hugs, Love, and Hope being sent to you,Maddy :-)

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Jilly's mom]

To all the other parents out there...This poem was read at a friend of mine's funeral in 1980. (she was murdered.) I read it at our daughter's funeral. Maybe some of you will find some comfort in it as we did.

Louise, (Jilly's mom)

To all Parents

by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.

"For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.

It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,

But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and shall her stay be brief,

You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise she will stay; since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.

Now will you give her all your love, not think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call to take her back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!

For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief will run.

We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;

But should the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

[Maddy6]

http://m.youtube.com/index?desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US#/watch?v=0xwzItqYmII

[Kenn]

Yay, now I can have that name. Oh! I don't think I need it anymore either.

I never question for one moment whether I will ever stop loving Hannah or not. The love I have for her will never die. Going on with life doesn't mean that i leave my memories behind. All those memories and the bond we made can never be broken by death. Going on with life is what she would want me to do. I know she is happy and I don't have to worry about anything hurting her anymore. Letting go of grief probably isn't totally possible for me. I will always miss her and wish for things that can't be. But I don't feel guilty even a little bit for picking myself up and being a good man for the rest of my family. I don't feel guilty about laughing, or acting normal. I feel good about the person I am. Hannah loves me, and she would want me going on with life. Acceptance is a good thing.

Okay, this is slowlygettingup here. I have changed my display name again. Okay, I want to ask everyone this.....as I try to go forward, the memories keep coming of all my failures. The good news is at least I am trying to step forward. Which is ma first and a beginning.However, I somehow feel that if I let go of the pain and self blame, I am letting go of Rachael. I am worried she will then not be remembered. The reality then is that she is dead and gone. I am alive and that is not fair. But I know it is not fair to my other children to not have a whole mother also. How do I go forward and let go of Rachael? I am afraid that if I do it means she didn't matter, she wasn't important. If I let go of this grief, there is so much injustice that is not accounted for. Somehow beating myself up is how I am keeping Rachael with me. Does that make sense? Can anyone give me thoughts, or help me out there?

[vivkib]

Okay, this is slowlygettingup here. I have changed my display name again. Okay, I want to ask everyone this.....as I try to go forward, the memories keep coming of all my failures. The good news is at least I am trying to step forward. Which is ma first and a beginning.However, I somehow feel that if I let go of the pain and self blame, I am letting go of Rachael. I am worried she will then not be remembered. The reality then is that she is dead and gone. I am alive and that is not fair. But I know it is not fair to my other children to not have a whole mother also. How do I go forward and let go of Rachael? I am afraid that if I do it means she didn't matter, she wasn't important. If I let go of this grief, there is so much injustice that is not accounted for. Somehow beating myself up is how I am keeping Rachael with me. Does that make sense? Can anyone give me thoughts, or help me out there?

Rachael will always be remembered. I do understand the feeling of "if I let go of the pain". I have often feel if I don't feel the pain I'm somehow letting Kevin down, but at the same time I know he wouldn't want me to hurt for him, he would want me to remember him with smiles and laughter, that's the way he was. As with Kevin, Rachael would want you to remember her with love and smiles and not beat yourself up. I believe they understand the pain in our hearts and know that it's a hurt that will never go away but want us to continue on and take care of thier siblings and ourselves. I also think the guilt over the pain and the guilt over the sometimes happiness we feel is part of the grieving.

[robyn]

To all the other parents out there...This poem was read at a friend of mine's funeral in 1980. (she was murdered.) I read it at our daughter's funeral. Maybe some of you will find some comfort in it as we did.

Louise, (Jilly's mom)

To all Parents

by Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.

"For you to love the while she lives and mourn for when she's dead.

It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,

But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for me?

She'll bring her charms to gladden you, and shall her stay be brief,

You'll have her lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise she will stay; since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have selected you.

Now will you give her all your love, not think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call to take her back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!

For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief will run.

We'll shelter her with tenderness, we'll love her while we may,

And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;

But should the angels call for her much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

Love it! Thank you

[robyn]

Okay, this is slowlygettingup here. I have changed my display name again. Okay, I want to ask everyone this.....as I try to go forward, the memories keep coming of all my failures. The good news is at least I am trying to step forward. Which is ma first and a beginning.However, I somehow feel that if I let go of the pain and self blame, I am letting go of Rachael. I am worried she will then not be remembered. The reality then is that she is dead and gone. I am alive and that is not fair. But I know it is not fair to my other children to not have a whole mother also. How do I go forward and let go of Rachael? I am afraid that if I do it means she didn't matter, she wasn't important. If I let go of this grief, there is so much injustice that is not accounted for. Somehow beating myself up is how I am keeping Rachael with me. Does that make sense? Can anyone give me thoughts, or help me out there?

Maddy,

There is not a parent who breathes who can't look back at some mistakes they have made, dumb decisions, times when they wish they had re-thought the whole "parent thingy", weren't mad at their kids, mad at the world, or tired of throw-up on every piece of clothing they owned. All three of my kids were born within 5 years of each other and I STILL had to find time to work full-time, cook, clean and do laundry (my first husband was a pip!). There were times I was absolutely sure the world hated me and that my kids would have been better off with another mother. Even before Chrissy left, I regretted not spending more time with them when they were growing up, sorry for all the times that I missed. Do you know that I don't have a single video of them when they were little? We couldn't afford a video camera when they were young, but now, I tell myself there could have been SOME way we could have gotten one....

But here's the thing.......

Children are amazingly resiliant. And if you love them, sometimes that is enough for them when they are grown. Some of the bad times are THEIR funny memories. Chrissy and I talked about this and she assured me that she and the other two only remembered the good things, and that she thought I was a great Mom and that she loved me.

She lived 10-15 minutes away. I could have spent so much more time with her than I did. I could have taken the kids off her hands to give her a little more "me" time. I could have run errands for her, could have done this, could have done that, and on and on and on..... My husband has a great answer when I start that- "If you had given Chrissy 30 extra seconds, she would have found SOMETHING to fill it with", which is the absolute truth.

I think that guilt must be one of the most common emotions, after sorrow, that we go through when we lose someone we love. But it needs to be the first one we let go of. Maddy, forgive yourself and make room for the GOOD memories and the love you and your daughter had for each other. THEY will ALWAYS be there.

Much love,

Robyn

[mikesmum]

Okay, this is slowlygettingup here. I have changed my display name again. Okay, I want to ask everyone this.....as I try to go forward, the memories keep coming of all my failures. The good news is at least I am trying to step forward. Which is ma first and a beginning.However, I somehow feel that if I let go of the pain and self blame, I am letting go of Rachael. I am worried she will then not be remembered. The reality then is that she is dead and gone. I am alive and that is not fair. But I know it is not fair to my other children to not have a whole mother also. How do I go forward and let go of Rachael? I am afraid that if I do it means she didn't matter, she wasn't important. If I let go of this grief, there is so much injustice that is not accounted for. Somehow beating myself up is how I am keeping Rachael with me. Does that make sense? Can anyone give me thoughts, or help me out there?

Maddy ~ Just as 'finding' your new display name is part of the process, so to is the craziness that plagues as in those early days, weeks, months and occassionally years. What did we do, say or forget to do that would cause the death of our child. As parents we believe we are there to protect and love our children.

In some way when they die, we look for an answer that might make sense. There is no one definitive answer. In fact everyone here loves their child, would have given their own life so that their child could live.

As for letting go of grief or forgetting our children; I don't think we 'let it go'. It becomes apart of us, something we carry with us always. It starts out as an all consuming large heavy trunk and eventually over time, when the pain softens it becomes a small bag. Every now and then when it gets opened we are reminded just how much we love our children, we never forget them.

Decluttering our house at the moment. Found a box with Mikes first bear...a gift from my dad on his 1st birthday. Humphrey B Bear. Wearing a yellow boater hat, a tartan waistcoat and a grin. His nose is a little worn...compliments of Mike kissing him so much... A memory that before now would send me to my knees....now even though there are tears and my heart aches, I think of my dad and his grandson together and can't help but smile.

[daveydow1]

Reading everyone's posts, and feeling sad for all here at BI.......especially all the new people.

Sending thoughts & prayers.

Crystal----Good to see your post, and am glad that the court is nearly finished with the

disposal of the case in which your sweet Ashlee died. Peace & comfort to you, friend.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I agree Sherry, so good to know that Crystal is good, good to see you Crystal. I do not do FACEBOOK, never will so knowing that you are out there makes me smile. I wondered many times how the case was progressing, how you and your other Kids are doing. So happy to know that you are feeling moments of joy again.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dee I love ow supportive you are to everyone. I do hope you are doing well and that the fortunate children in your class are again enriched as I have been in knowing you. I just came across my poem and my short story of "One Last Day ". Both assignments that you gave to us Indigos a few years ago and they helped to save my life and reduce my sadness.

What a gift your and Sherry's participation on this Board has been!!

Thank you both

[ericasmom]

Wow Betty, your timing in saying that is pretty amazing as I wonder my ability to keep connected here at this point. I struggle with so many new names and stories, wishing to be able to associate each name with the Angel missed, but I am not able to .

I am so glad that you kept your writing from that time, that it remains something that helped you through a very rough time, writing can do that for us, remind us our joys, remind us our beliefs and bring us closer to them again. I think that Sherry would say the same as I am going to say Betty, that you have been a powerful source for our hearts too, a force of good that we are lucky to know in this world. I picture you strolling Central Park on a winter day, the brisk wind invigorating your spirit.

[Guest msnher]

It has become so difficult for me to keep up with the newer members, their names and their angel's names, that I don't even try anymore. I'm just glad you (the newer people) found your way to this site. I'm glad to see you connecting with each other.

I have a daunting task ahead of me that involves tender emotions and hearts. I don't possess the gift of tact or patience - I am asking for prayers of wisdom and courage...that I not shrink. I need to state my position without attacking, but stay firm when I feel attacked. I am sure the other person involved will feel attacked. He, my son, is too much like me not to. I have no desire to go into detail, but any prayers of light and wisdom and courage would be appreciated.

I don't know why, but I can't seem to upload a new picture of Stephanie. I'll keep trying.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom