Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Louise, I am sorry that you are in the boat with all of us, but glad that you found us as we tend to help more than folks think possible. The whole idea that there are others that get exactly what you are going through is a blessing in the midst of so much pain. I am here over 8 years now, more now to give assistance, but there are days indeed, that I need the outstretched hands still. There will always be days that find us very shaky, but those of you in the early throes of this beast called grief, there is just so much ache. We know that ache, it was said by a friend I met many years ago here, that we are all on this walk just our timelines are different. So many new, in the same time range as you, while only a few of us are this long on the road, though several hitting the 4,5,and 6 year marks. We stay many of us, because we find that this still is the place where we can share our stories and not drive folks away, while at the same time assist those newer to the path.

Tell us more about Jilly when you feel like it. Let us know about you and your life as you see fit. Don't worry about learning everyone's names right now, we become familiar with time, but there are more on this site right now than ever I think.

Rachel, welcome to another who could be on a Springer show, not now, but during other times in our lives. Sometimes it is in that surrender Rachel, that you find your next steps. Sometimes we have to quit trying to hold everyone together so that we can grieve. There is no way around grief when we find our loss so great, it is inevitable that we go through it and it is a process. A long process at that.

[Maddy6]

1327866590' post='83320']

hi to everyone here...i am so sorry to all the newbies and i can so feel your pain. i just passed nathan's first birthday in heaven (jan 19th) he would be 33, and his first angelversary (jan 21st)....i think the worst was his birthday. it was by far harder to face than the angelversary. i was so used to picking out his card and gift, mailing it or going to the beach to see him on his birthday, or calling him and hearing his happy voice. the very last time i talked to him was on his birthday...the very last time i actually heard his voice. i think i have been a mess since that very day. thought i had been doing some 'better', whatever that means, until the 19th. then, i began to fall apart again. how my heart aches again.

i am sick of hearing...'he's happy and no longer in pain'...'you should be happy not sad to know he is with god now'.....'he would want you to move on'...and so on and so on...how the hell do they know what he would want or say???? they don't know!!! and how do they know what i should or shouldn't feel? they are not here, in my shoes....i am so tired, so weary, so sad, so tired of putting on the happy face for everyone else. it wears me out. i am tired. i am just tired.

i want to feel better, i do, but i miss him and my heart still hurts. and my heart and my head and my soul are still at war and still, no one is winning the battle. will i ever get on an even keel again? 'cause i don't feel like it now.

i had a dream about nathan a few nights ago and it really felt so real i can't forget a single detail. haven't had a dream like this ever.

nathan was sitting on a ledge on top of a building...just regular ole nathan, in his shorts, t-shirt and sandals. same ole nathan, nothing different about him. smile on his face. lee was working and had just gotten out of his cruiser....looked like he was looking for a suspect or something. another police officer pulled up beside him and stepped out of his car, opened his door and they were both standing there behind their open doors with their guns pulled out but not pointed anywhere but down to the ground and they were both looking around. then i heard this shot....then, nathan jumped down, what seemed like slow motion, but it didn't seem like a long jump like you would think from the top of a building. it was as if he had just jumped off a brick wall in front of a house or something, but he was on top of a building in my dream. when he jumped down, he put his hand on lee's shoulder, squeezed it firmly, then he was gone. lee never turned around, like he didn't even feel it. i don't know why i could see all of this, i wasn't even there. but somehow, i awoke and felt comfort from this dream. i didn't even cry...i felt like nathan was trying to tell me he was watching over lee and he would be ok. i fell back asleep and then yesterday everything hit me like a blow to the head. i had a really bad, tearful day all day long. it usually hits me on fridays, but my friend kept me pretty busy on friday and it was a pretty good day. but saturday was a pretty awful day. although, i am so grateful for anything i can get from nathan, and that was pretty awesome.

i still have to tell people i am 'ok' so they will just leave me alone. i don't want to go into detail about how i am 'doing' because they really don't want to know in reality. they are just being polite. i stay at home a lot of the time, but when i have to get out, i do. i can now do it by myself, though, and that is progress. i do see more and more that i am better than in the beginning. but, it is a very slow process. some days, i still stay in bed, because i just don't want to face another day without my precious son. why my precious son? just why?

so, i will leave you now. i know you are so weary of hearing me always down and out and i know so many of you carry the same burdens as i do, and i am sorry to be such a downer when i come here.

i think of all of you often and my heart goes out to all of you ....sometimes there are no words that can take the pain away, but know that you are thought about each and every day. love, diane

Diane, I understand how you feel. I have been right where you are. Please know that I am not weary of hearing you. I cried as I read your post and I am still crying as I write to you. I am crying for your hurt and pain, and for the loss of your precious son. Nothing anyone can say, or do will end this pain. It will not go away. We continue to endure and time will bring healing. I am just so sorry for the hurt. I am sorry for all of our hurt and pain. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. It is okay to feel the way you do. I am happy for you, for the dream you had. I had a special dream once too, that I still treasure. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

[RonnieAlt]

Diane, I cried also as I read your post, and am still crying too as I write to you. I am right where you are and in such pain. I think I am holding it all together, than out of the blue, I get hit from behind. A tsunami of hurt I have been trying to avoid feeling. I know exactly how you are feeling right now because my heart is breaking, I have a permanent, new furrow in my brow, I have a built-in frown, puffy eyes, a hoarse throat from screaming. My abdomen hurts as I weep from the weeping from last time, it feels like someone is punching me in my gut and won't stop. I usually don't get dressed for the day since I am unemployed, I also sleep sporadically so get up in my robe, hoping to get some more sleep in a bit and end up just constantly in my robe.

Just a few minutes ago, I checked my daughter, Cherry Lynn's facebook and one of her friends posted the most beautiful picture of her when she was 17 years old! I cannot stop weeping, and looking at my beautiful daughter, enjoying her favorite band, Rusted Root in concert, surrounded by sunflowers (her favorite flower), wearing her trademark long hippie, corduroy skirt, with a hoodie jacket on. I had never seen this picture before, so I wept, hard. It is the perfect essence of her, doing what she loved, with friends and her sister. Breathtaking for me, what a blessing, I cannot describe how it makes me feel.

I cannot stop weeping. I am praying for you tonight and all the other beautiful friends that are here, and are weeping for their precious children. I am so sorry and heart-broken for you Diane, I weep for you too.

[mikesmum]

Diane ~ I believe with all my heart that Nathan wants you to know that he's around you and his brother. That feeling of 'peace'for want of better word is something left with us after we have been touched by a 'visit'.

That facade that we wear outside our homes, outside this site is so heavy and so tiring. 'I'm okay, does stem the tide of platitudes from those who have no clue.

Do you have someone, a counsellor, psychologist that you can link into? This journey even with the Indigo family take much from us.

Our overwhelming 'wanting' to have our children back, as we remember them, full bodied, smiling, talking and of course hugging takes such a toll.

I hope you rest well. I hope with all my heart that Nathan touches you again so that you know he's around.

[robyn]

I am seeing the new posters and feeling so sad that there are more and more of us, it seems. So much love and understanding to all the newbies- welcome just doesn't seem to be the right word. I haven't been in for a few days- funny how life continues to intrude.

We had a birthday party for Chrissy's little girl yesterday. Alex is 3 years old. She doesn't understand, and asks when her Mommy is going to come see her. When we are all together, we can all feel it, but no one wants to say it- Chrissy is NOT here. She was such a big part of the family, and we all miss her so much.

But that isn't the truth, is it? She IS here, so close, and loving us as only she could.

Chrissy and Alex 2 months, 1 week

[lolynbo]

ANOTHER LOCAL ANGEL GOT HIS WINGS YEST. HAD FOUR WHEELER ACCIDENT FEW WKS AGO. LEAVES WIFE AND TWO KIDS. 28 YRS OLD.

OUR LICAL RACE TRK WE RACE AT WANTS TO DO SOMETHING FOR WEAR GREY IN MAY AND THR IS TWO RDS THAT LEAD INTO TRK. OWNER WANTS TO NAME ONE AFTER KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT -CARGAL. IM HUMBLED AND HONORED.

GOING BACK TO Kourtneys Kloset TUESDAY. WISH ME LUCK

[ericasmom]

Ronnie, just two or three weeks before ERi died, she went to an outdoor concert in Tennessee (Bonaroo) with many of the friends that she hung out with. She had the very best time of her life as she put it, and I was so glad to hear all about it. The photo you posted reminds me of the ones that her girlfriends gave me when Eri died. Sitting with friends, listening to music, feeling independent and free. HOw wonderful that you were able to receive this photo, it is lovely.

Robyn, how hard it must be to have a birthday and not be able to explain where Momma is. One day you can tell this little girl just how loved she is by Momma and Everyone that loves Momma. Peace and prayers for you all. I agree, Chrissy is loving you all from her home just beyond our vision, very near, never far.

Lorri, how wonderful for the track to honor Kourtney that way, and I am so glad that you are feeling the love. Sorry to hear of another getting wings, prayers.

Trudi, my Aussie dearheart, loving you each day.

[Jilly's mom]

Hi all.

I am new to this site. Have been reading the posts. It really is remarkable how many faces of grief there are. You just don't realize until you lose a child how many other people suffer/have suffered the way you do. Here is my story:

Our daughter Jillian was 19 going on 70. She was born an "old soul." From the day of her birth, I always knew she wasn't going to stay very long. I can't tell you how I knew that, I just sensed it. I could see it in her eyes....She would make comments that led me to believe she knew it too. She accurately predicted the method of her death and although she didn't ever give an age, she knew she would die young. On November 19, her and her best friend were coming home from another friends house where they had spent the night. Her best friend was driving. (I will call her DM) Dm was supposed to be at work at 6:30 am. Her mom called me at 7:25 and said she had not shown up. I called the house they were staying at and was told they had left at 5:50. That family offered to get in their car and start looking. I did the same, figuring we would find them along side the road with a flat, or maybe they hit a deer. I was on the road maybe 15 minutes (they live 30 min away) and one of the sons called me to tell me he had found Jillian's car...there had been an accident, but the police wouldn't tell him anything. He said he would call back. I started to pray while driving. I asked God that if he took them, to please have taken them instantly, if not, to please let them heal completely. A few minutes later the police called. Yes there had been an accident. DM had been airlifted in critical condition. Then a silence. I have worked in the health care field long enough to understand what they weren't saying. I said "Jillian did not survive, did she?" No, she didn't. My beautiful girl was dead at 19. DM had run the stop sign, hit a gas main, then a small tree. Jillian's side (she was the passenger) of the car had taken the full brunt of the impact. She died instantly of a broken neck. My prayer was answered. She never knew the pain of her broken arms, leg and chin. I continued on driving (I don't know how...) and found the wreckage. Asked to see my daughter. Was initially told no, but after I told them I had worked ER and had seen some pretty horrible things in my life, they agreed to let me see her. I don't regret that decision for one second. I had to see the look on her face as it was in the last instant of her life. It was a look of total peace, even a slight smirk. I fully believe that she "snapped" out of her body before impact. Many of my patients have told me of this phenomenon....they are above their bodies looking down, but not really feeling anything....at least initially. After the numbness and shock wears off, they do experience pain. For some this is several minutes, for others it is hours. I know Jillian didn't suffer. I would have seen that on her face. DM was concious at the scene, but incoherent. She suffered a brain bleed and broken collarbone. She has since healed completely on the physical level,(another prayer answered) but may never heal mentally. Jillian had always loved and protected her like she was her sister..They looked so much alike that people often mistook them for sisters! I think she still is watching over her, loving and protecting her. I love DM like one of my own kids. My husband was angry though. Why did they miss the stopsign? Why did they hit that tree doing 60mph? We may never know the answers as DM cannot remember. (thank God!) She is so angry with herself She just kept saying "I killed my best friend. It should have been me!" When DM's dad got to the hospital he had intentions of joining his daughter if she lost her life. That would have been so sad. It took my husband 8 weeks to come to terms with DM, but he has since hugged her and forgiven her. The morning after he did that, he felt someone come in and sit down on the bed next to him, they lay down and cuddle for a hug. There was no one else in the room, except me. It has brought us so much comfort....She has sent other signals as well, to let us know she is ok. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. We did the "what if's, etc" and decided that would only drive us crazy. God knew the date and time of her death, and He called her HOME, where she awaits us.

Since Jillian's death, we have been blessed with tenderness and mercy beyond our wildest imaginations. The funeral director was her godmother. She allowed us to come in and help prepare and finish dressing her. My 2 other daughters did her hair, make up and nails. It was an absolutely sacred experience. If you had told me that 6 months ago, I would have said you were nuts! 500 people stood in line for hours on Thanksgiving weekend to comfort us. Her funeral was,( if funerals can be), perfect... a little unusual, but very Jilly. It was amazing, sad, and happy and the most spiritual thing I have ever witnessed or been a part of. So many people were touched. We truly celebrated her short life. I knew she was only lent to us. I am so grateful for the time we had. I am so honored to have been her mom. I am so blessed with the support from our community, and even from total strangers. I am peaceful knowing she is with God, having the time of her life in Heaven with Jesus and her Grandpa, who died of esophageal and lung cancer 8 short weeks before Jillian did. They are dancing together in the Heavens, Jilly and her Papa...and a host of other loved ones she knows in Heaven. I can't wait to get here myself!

Now don't get me wrong, I still have days I am so sad it is difficult to get dressed. I am human. I miss my girl. I miss her smile, her laughter, her wit and especially her "tummy hugs." I call her cell phone to hear her voice. I am afraid of forgetting the way she felt, or smelled or sounded. Christmas, quite frankly, sucked! Even in that though, there was mercy. There has not been a single day in the 71 days since she died that I have not received a hug, or an encouraging word from someone. My concern now is for DM. The police are waiting for the tox screen, which is drawn on all accident victims, to come back. DM could face negligent homicide, or involuntary manslaughter. Sending her to jail would open this newly forming scab all over again. There is no sentence a judge could pass on her that is worse than the one she will carry the rest of her life. I miss seeing the sparkle in her eyes...they look so empty.

I am trusting God on this, it is all I can do. He knows the plans He has for us......He will not let go of our hands, even if we try to let go of His.

[lorijosherrell]

Morning everyone

I have had 3 consistent nights if sleep, so that is a plus not wanting to try and sleep night and day

Alsoast night I had my first dream about payton since he pasted.6 months ago, it was one if those strange what the heck was that kind of dreams but anyway so I am having a good day

Hope everyone else does also

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

I just wanted to reconnect with my Indigo Family. Even if I find it hard to read and post here these days, I am still an Indigo and Stephen very much an Indigo Angel. I think of each of you so very often during the day and can see the face of each of our Angle's when I light a candle in Church every afternoon.

I am so glad that this Indigo Family is so welcoming and that the newly devastated parents have found a place where they can be heard and receive the same compassion, kindness and understating that enabled me to survive these past 4 years.

Thanks: Dee, Sherry,Claudia,Dianne,Bonnie,Rhonda, Carol, Lynn, Sonya, Lori, Leah, Susannah, Colleen, Trudi, Sir Mutley, Betsy and all the Indigos who continue to touch my heart. To the new members I am sorry I have not welcomed each of you and supported your journey . Please know you are in the right place and have the best of support from a host of beautiful people

In my thoughts and prayers

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Still working towards finding and presenting the truth in the crash that took my son's life. Can't say much more, but here is what I wrote this morning, Monday, 17 weeks today.

[RMoore]

Does anyone feel like thier whole life is just falling apart??? Our family is dealing as best we can, but anything that can go wrong, is going wrong. I feel like I am under attack. Most days I just pray-- God help me. I won't go into detail because I truly will sound like a Jerry Springer show candidate-- and that is not me or my family. But we are just falling apart here in every way.... I surrender god.

Attack yes or perhaps a "test" of just how much we can take. Family members open their mouths without thinking and people seem to have the attitude that once you bury your child

you "bury " the pain. I don't understand the people I thought would be here for me have now alienated me like they might lose a child if they are around me. Yet strangers and the ones

you least expect support from are there. We have had "test" after "test" since my Amber was taken by a Drunk Driver, my dad who will be 92 in days just got out of hospital, we have a

a court case to deal with, my daughters memorial page got hacked and the list goes on and on. My numbness is wearing off and the days seem much harder. Hugs, Love, Prayers to you

Amber's Momma

[RMoore]

Still working towards finding and presenting the truth in the crash that took my son's life. Can't say much more, but here is what I wrote this morning, Monday, 17 weeks today.

This is so powerful .. It reminds me of similar words I prayed on my way to court the other morning.

Praying for strength to make it through the court appearance and to be calm praying that justice be

in Gods hands not mans hands thank you for sharing this beautiful prayer

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[daveydow1]

Robyn-----Thanks for the pic of beautiful Chrissy and Alex. You are so right.......she's right

there with you always. She's in your heart forever.

Diane------I'm sorry you have had a rough January with Nathan's angel day, and also

his birthday. Those milemarkers on this journey are, indeed, heartbreaking times.

Sending thoughts & prayers, friend.

Kevinsmom-----thank you for the beautiful graphic with "Those we love don't go away......"

We must keep our eye on the bigger picture......that we WILL see them again.

JDsmom------I commend you for the work you are doing in trying to get the officials/

law enforcement to do something about the speeders and the dangerous conditions

that took your dear son's life. Sorry to say.......sometimes it can be an uphill climb to

get something done, that only seems like common sense to change. Sometimes a

slow and frustrating process. However,.....you have a strong voice of your sad experience

to make you so dedicated and passionate to make change. I wish you success, friend.

Betty----Good to see you, my old friend. I do so understand how it can be difficult to come

and post on BI when the grief that you bear pulls you down, and sometimes saps energy.

Thanks so much for remembering all of our angels when you light candles at church.

Susan-----I'm sorry that you are in a dark place now. I agree----grief does have a life and

mind of its own. We are at a loss as to how to deal with it most of the time, yet we still

go on somehow. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Lorri----Sorry to hear of another young, good soul gone to heaven. Prayers for his wife

and family. Very sad to hear about the accident. How are you doing now?

Dee------We've had quite a different winter.....as I know that Chicagoland has also had. It's

more like spring. Winter seems like a grouchy old thing.......can't seem to make up its mind,

and going at it in fits and starts.......rain, snow, spring-like temps., brief whiteouts....the whole

crazy pattern. I haven't been on BI as much lately.......been having a bear of a time with toothaches...

have to get one or possible more than one root canals......NO FUN !! ....to say nothing of the expense.

I'm so very sorry to see so many newbies here on BI. My heart goes out to each and every one.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[robyn]

Hi all.

I am new to this site. Have been reading the posts. It really is remarkable how many faces of grief there are. You just don't realize until you lose a child how many other people suffer/have suffered the way you do. Here is my story:

Our daughter Jillian was 19 going on 70. She was born an "old soul." From the day of her birth, I always knew she wasn't going to stay very long. I can't tell you how I knew that, I just sensed it. I could see it in her eyes....She would make comments that led me to believe she knew it too. She accurately predicted the method of her death and although she didn't ever give an age, she knew she would die young. On November 19, her and her best friend were coming home from another friends house where they had spent the night. Her best friend was driving. (I will call her DM) Dm was supposed to be at work at 6:30 am. Her mom called me at 7:25 and said she had not shown up. I called the house they were staying at and was told they had left at 5:50. That family offered to get in their car and start looking. I did the same, figuring we would find them along side the road with a flat, or maybe they hit a deer. I was on the road maybe 15 minutes (they live 30 min away) and one of the sons called me to tell me he had found Jillian's car...there had been an accident, but the police wouldn't tell him anything. He said he would call back. I started to pray while driving. I asked God that if he took them, to please have taken them instantly, if not, to please let them heal completely. A few minutes later the police called. Yes there had been an accident. DM had been airlifted in critical condition. Then a silence. I have worked in the health care field long enough to understand what they weren't saying. I said "Jillian did not survive, did she?" No, she didn't. My beautiful girl was dead at 19. DM had run the stop sign, hit a gas main, then a small tree. Jillian's side (she was the passenger) of the car had taken the full brunt of the impact. She died instantly of a broken neck. My prayer was answered. She never knew the pain of her broken arms, leg and chin. I continued on driving (I don't know how...) and found the wreckage. Asked to see my daughter. Was initially told no, but after I told them I had worked ER and had seen some pretty horrible things in my life, they agreed to let me see her. I don't regret that decision for one second. I had to see the look on her face as it was in the last instant of her life. It was a look of total peace, even a slight smirk. I fully believe that she "snapped" out of her body before impact. Many of my patients have told me of this phenomenon....they are above their bodies looking down, but not really feeling anything....at least initially. After the numbness and shock wears off, they do experience pain. For some this is several minutes, for others it is hours. I know Jillian didn't suffer. I would have seen that on her face. DM was concious at the scene, but incoherent. She suffered a brain bleed and broken collarbone. She has since healed completely on the physical level,(another prayer answered) but may never heal mentally. Jillian had always loved and protected her like she was her sister..They looked so much alike that people often mistook them for sisters! I think she still is watching over her, loving and protecting her. I love DM like one of my own kids. My husband was angry though. Why did they miss the stopsign? Why did they hit that tree doing 60mph? We may never know the answers as DM cannot remember. (thank God!) She is so angry with herself She just kept saying "I killed my best friend. It should have been me!" When DM's dad got to the hospital he had intentions of joining his daughter if she lost her life. That would have been so sad. It took my husband 8 weeks to come to terms with DM, but he has since hugged her and forgiven her. The morning after he did that, he felt someone come in and sit down on the bed next to him, they lay down and cuddle for a hug. There was no one else in the room, except me. It has brought us so much comfort....She has sent other signals as well, to let us know she is ok. Forgiveness is a powerful thing. We did the "what if's, etc" and decided that would only drive us crazy. God knew the date and time of her death, and He called her HOME, where she awaits us.

Since Jillian's death, we have been blessed with tenderness and mercy beyond our wildest imaginations. The funeral director was her godmother. She allowed us to come in and help prepare and finish dressing her. My 2 other daughters did her hair, make up and nails. It was an absolutely sacred experience. If you had told me that 6 months ago, I would have said you were nuts! 500 people stood in line for hours on Thanksgiving weekend to comfort us. Her funeral was,( if funerals can be), perfect... a little unusual, but very Jilly. It was amazing, sad, and happy and the most spiritual thing I have ever witnessed or been a part of. So many people were touched. We truly celebrated her short life. I knew she was only lent to us. I am so grateful for the time we had. I am so honored to have been her mom. I am so blessed with the support from our community, and even from total strangers. I am peaceful knowing she is with God, having the time of her life in Heaven with Jesus and her Grandpa, who died of esophageal and lung cancer 8 short weeks before Jillian did. They are dancing together in the Heavens, Jilly and her Papa...and a host of other loved ones she knows in Heaven. I can't wait to get here myself!

Now don't get me wrong, I still have days I am so sad it is difficult to get dressed. I am human. I miss my girl. I miss her smile, her laughter, her wit and especially her "tummy hugs." I call her cell phone to hear her voice. I am afraid of forgetting the way she felt, or smelled or sounded. Christmas, quite frankly, sucked! Even in that though, there was mercy. There has not been a single day in the 71 days since she died that I have not received a hug, or an encouraging word from someone. My concern now is for DM. The police are waiting for the tox screen, which is drawn on all accident victims, to come back. DM could face negligent homicide, or involuntary manslaughter. Sending her to jail would open this newly forming scab all over again. There is no sentence a judge could pass on her that is worse than the one she will carry the rest of her life. I miss seeing the sparkle in her eyes...they look so empty.

I am trusting God on this, it is all I can do. He knows the plans He has for us......He will not let go of our hands, even if we try to let go of His.

God has blessed you, dear one. I hope all in here can eventually feel what we have felt. There is no greater peace than leaning on Him, when our own strength is not enough.

Much love,

Robyn

[robyn]

Ronnie, just two or three weeks before ERi died, she went to an outdoor concert in Tennessee (Bonaroo) with many of the friends that she hung out with. She had the very best time of her life as she put it, and I was so glad to hear all about it. The photo you posted reminds me of the ones that her girlfriends gave me when Eri died. Sitting with friends, listening to music, feeling independent and free. HOw wonderful that you were able to receive this photo, it is lovely.

Robyn, how hard it must be to have a birthday and not be able to explain where Momma is. One day you can tell this little girl just how loved she is by Momma and Everyone that loves Momma. Peace and prayers for you all. I agree, Chrissy is loving you all from her home just beyond our vision, very near, never far.

Lorri, how wonderful for the track to honor Kourtney that way, and I am so glad that you are feeling the love. Sorry to hear of another getting wings, prayers.

Trudi, my Aussie dearheart, loving you each day.

Thanks Dee. I just recently took all Chrissy's pictures and put them together in an album just for her two girls. I know they are going to want to know everything about her one day- I want to be ready for that.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's!

Betty - I'm right there with you! I'm still here, still reading. Still an Indigo.

Gosh, it's been a lifetime ago that I found my way to this site, then known as "Beyond Indigo" ....but, it was just yesterday. Knowing you all were there as I typed out my deepest pain, often accompanied by deep sobs, finding it hard to see through the rushing river of tears that fell down my cheeks. I typed and typed and typed.

Writing has always been the most effective and efficient tool for me to find my way. Writing walked me through my lost adolescence moving from foster home to foster home. Socially inept and physically unattractive, lost without knowing who to turn to for guidance, I turned to pen and paper. I turned to God, too. At age 15 I locked myself in a room of the church I attended and vowed I would not come out until he had answered me. I knelt there, on my knees, begging for relief from the loneliness and rejection of life, as I had come to know it. There would be no answer. I would eventually walk home more lonely than I had left. Once again, I turned to pen and paper.

That would be my mode of operation until this very day. Cry, pray, write. And, somehow in the midst of it all a serenity I cannot explain settles upon my thoughts, quieting them...hugging them...for a time.

Not much has changed from that course in the last 53 years. My definition of the God I talk to has changed drastically upon occasion. The places I lock myself up for prayer are different in appearance...I've gone from a church room to my bedroom. My pen and paper has turned into a keyboard with a lighted screen where I can see what I write more easily. But, the emotions are the same. I am searching, seeking, begging.

The one question I have learned not to ask, yet can't help but ask, throughout my life's experiences, thus far, is the proverbial "why?". The answer, no matter how complete, is never adequate enough to accept the current situation at hand.

I found that true when I was young and ripped from my sisters and mother, never to live with them again - the worst pain of my childhood.............it is still true today as my appearance has changed drastically and I have a little more experience under my life's belt.

As a child I begged God to love me and forgive me for being molested just please give me back my mother and sisters.

As a mother, I begged God to hate me, punish me, take me, but please bring back my daughter.

Neither came to fruition.

But, I wrote. I continue to write. I continue to retreat to my "prayer closet" which is often found outside, under our redneck patio, cigarette in hand. I've quit trying to understand God....I've quit trying to understand who he or she is, even. It drives me too crazy. All I know is things happen and they are painful and sometimes they are glorious. Sometimes things happen that I have no explanation for. Sometimes those things bring about more questions instead of answers..........my son's life beings spared, for instance. My overwhelming gratitude was overshadowed by the intense awareness that miracles do happen and something bigger than me has to be involved with us humans.............it was evident in the demolished truck my son walked away from without injury. That begged the question, why not Stephanie? Why not your children?

Why?

No answers.

So, I write.

The pain of grief, the journey of grief is also the journey of our souls. It is the epitome' of life. The pain of birth and then the pain of death. Life really is the dash between the two. Only, something deep inside me tells me there's something more.........something bigger.........something grander..........and, we are all a part of it. Indeed, we are in eternity right now. I don't think we're that far apart from our children. Indeed, I think Stephanie is closer to me, now, than she was in physical form.

I am softer now. I am also stronger. I am more aware of human suffering and less afraid of their pain and sorrow. I am also not afraid of joy. I feel it more than I did in those early months. Oh...during those early months I was sure I would never feel it again. But, I do feel it. The source of my joy is in more simple things these days. It's not in the new pair of shoes or the new hair do...those things are fun, but they are not the source of my joy. I find my joy inside myself. It sneaks out in bits and pieces of overwhelming love for mankind.

I have no answers. I have no suggestions. I just know, from my own experience, it gets better. I still cry, even more easily than before, I still question, but something different has emerged this time...that is different from my childhood searching....hope. No, it isn't so different. I survived foster homes by knowing someday I would be reunited with my mother and sisters...and I was, at the age of 18. I survive those dark days of grief that are sure to come by hoping, believing, that someday I'll be reunited with my Stephanie.

Hang in there.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I think about you often, Susannah. Glad to see your post. There is something greater, and we will see them again. Trust in that.

Love to you and all the members here.

Good morning, Indigo's!

Betty - I'm right there with you! I'm still here, still reading. Still an Indigo.

Gosh, it's been a lifetime ago that I found my way to this site, then known as "Beyond Indigo" ....but, it was just yesterday. Knowing you all were there as I typed out my deepest pain, often accompanied by deep sobs, finding it hard to see through the rushing river of tears that fell down my cheeks. I typed and typed and typed.

Writing has always been the most effective and efficient tool for me to find my way. Writing walked me through my lost adolescence moving from foster home to foster home. Socially inept and physically unattractive, lost without knowing who to turn to for guidance, I turned to pen and paper. I turned to God, too. At age 15 I locked myself in a room of the church I attended and vowed I would not come out until he had answered me. I knelt there, on my knees, begging for relief from the loneliness and rejection of life, as I had come to know it. There would be no answer. I would eventually walk home more lonely than I had left. Once again, I turned to pen and paper.

That would be my mode of operation until this very day. Cry, pray, write. And, somehow in the midst of it all a serenity I cannot explain settles upon my thoughts, quieting them...hugging them...for a time.

Not much has changed from that course in the last 53 years. My definition of the God I talk to has changed drastically upon occasion. The places I lock myself up for prayer are different in appearance...I've gone from a church room to my bedroom. My pen and paper has turned into a keyboard with a lighted screen where I can see what I write more easily. But, the emotions are the same. I am searching, seeking, begging.

The one question I have learned not to ask, yet can't help but ask, throughout my life's experiences, thus far, is the proverbial "why?". The answer, no matter how complete, is never adequate enough to accept the current situation at hand.

I found that true when I was young and ripped from my sisters and mother, never to live with them again - the worst pain of my childhood.............it is still true today as my appearance has changed drastically and I have a little more experience under my life's belt.

As a child I begged God to love me and forgive me for being molested just please give me back my mother and sisters.

As a mother, I begged God to hate me, punish me, take me, but please bring back my daughter.

Neither came to fruition.

But, I wrote. I continue to write. I continue to retreat to my "prayer closet" which is often found outside, under our redneck patio, cigarette in hand. I've quit trying to understand God....I've quit trying to understand who he or she is, even. It drives me too crazy. All I know is things happen and they are painful and sometimes they are glorious. Sometimes things happen that I have no explanation for. Sometimes those things bring about more questions instead of answers..........my son's life beings spared, for instance. My overwhelming gratitude was overshadowed by the intense awareness that miracles do happen and something bigger than me has to be involved with us humans.............it was evident in the demolished truck my son walked away from without injury. That begged the question, why not Stephanie? Why not your children?

Why?

No answers.

So, I write.

The pain of grief, the journey of grief is also the journey of our souls. It is the epitome' of life. The pain of birth and then the pain of death. Life really is the dash between the two. Only, something deep inside me tells me there's something more.........something bigger.........something grander..........and, we are all a part of it. Indeed, we are in eternity right now. I don't think we're that far apart from our children. Indeed, I think Stephanie is closer to me, now, than she was in physical form.

I am softer now. I am also stronger. I am more aware of human suffering and less afraid of their pain and sorrow. I am also not afraid of joy. I feel it more than I did in those early months. Oh...during those early months I was sure I would never feel it again. But, I do feel it. The source of my joy is in more simple things these days. It's not in the new pair of shoes or the new hair do...those things are fun, but they are not the source of my joy. I find my joy inside myself. It sneaks out in bits and pieces of overwhelming love for mankind.

I have no answers. I have no suggestions. I just know, from my own experience, it gets better. I still cry, even more easily than before, I still question, but something different has emerged this time...that is different from my childhood searching....hope. No, it isn't so different. I survived foster homes by knowing someday I would be reunited with my mother and sisters...and I was, at the age of 18. I survive those dark days of grief that are sure to come by hoping, believing, that someday I'll be reunited with my Stephanie.

Hang in there.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

My ramblings have irritated and/or even offended a few on here, and that is not my intention at all...it is because of that I quit posting so frequently. However, this morning, I feel inclined to share. LOL Lucky you!

For the new people on here, whom I haven't introduced myself to or given the proper condolensces for your reason for being here, the following post is something I journaled within a few days of my daughter's death. I just want to give you the understanding that I know grief very well. Grief and I have been on this life's journey together since I was very young. Grief would never introduce itself to me with such power and force as it did the day my daughter died................

This is all such a surreal experience. It's almost "out of body" type experience. From the phone call to get to the hospital quick to me yelling NO at the doctor when he took me in a separate room and mechanically delivered the news that my daughter had "bled out" and died that morning..........news I refused to believe and demanded he allow me to see my daughter RIGHT NOW to walking in the room where my daughter's body lay while her father stood sobbing over her to the strange sounds that immediately escaped my throat without my permission. I knew it was me screaming. I heard it. I felt it. I also could hear my ex-husband's cries increase as I screamed my rejection of the "NOW" to the universe. I could hear his wife crying as she watched me writhe in pain and anguish over my daughter's body.

A man I did not know reached for me and said, "Ma'am"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled at him. He quickly backed away as the screams from the inner part of my soul escaped without my consent.

I have no idea how long the screaming continued...........but, as abruptly as it began.........it stopped. I sat. Took a breath. Held my daughter's arm. Looked at the stranger that was risking his life just moments before and demanded..."Who are you?"

The coroner. There were two of them.

I inspected my daughters obvious injuries. I was grateful to learn she had not been decapitated. I tried to pull grass and weeds out of her blood matted hair. I kissed her repeatedly. After making the necessary phone calls to have the family assemble, I laid my head on my daughter's chest and began to softly sing....."We are one in the spirit".

"She's not here" I finally announced.

My body was trembling against my will. My legs were visibly shaking. "Let's go" I say to my ex husband and his wife, whom I've referred to my "wife in law" all these years. That day she became my sister.

The chaplain who had prayed with us earlier in the room stopped us as we walked down the hall. "Do you want your daughter to be a donor?"

There were papers to sign.

I walked back mechanically and pulled the nurses stool out for myself. I stared at the room my daughter's body was in. The nurse said she needed the correct spelling of my name. "They can tell you" I say as I rise to walk back to my daughter. The coroner stopped me at the door. "Ma'am. This is not what you want your last memory of your daughter to be."

"Oh yes it is!" I whisper as I push past him. "I want to see every scrape, every cut, every bruise."

Without saying another word, the two coroners stood quietly as I ran my finger softly over each wound, beginning at her feet. I noticed her cute underwear. "Very comfortable" I thought.

I recalled the first time I performed a similar inspection of her body. Making sure she had all her toes and fingers. Trying to make her tiny mouth fit around my nipple as I clumsily tried to breastfeed (and failed miserably) I touched her and caressed in much the same fashion then as I did now.

I inhaled her scent then as I was doing now. "Don't let me forget." I whisper.

The physical ripping I endured to bring her into this world was nothing compared to the physical, spiritual and emotional ripping I was experiencing now.

"My sweet, sweet baby" I whisper...........just as I whispered then.

I tried to clean the blood from her hair...just as I did then.

I kissed her one last time as I whispered "I love you".

The shaking had stopped as involuntarily as it began. I walked out of the room and informed my now sister and brother ex husband I was capable of driving myself home.

[Dru]

Hi, this is my first time here so hope i am in the right place. Something that Jillys mom wrote is so similiar to what I experienced with my Broni. The part about her daughter being an old spirit. I always called my Broni an old spirit, she would laugh about it but say no more. However, when Broni was 12, 13, 14 or so she would often tell Richard and I that she would only live to be 30 years old and if she was still here then she would go to the Burmuda Triangle where she believed she would "disappear" We would just smile and not say much about it, even though Broni sounded quite serious about it. Thinking it just a childish thing she had in her head. Little did we know that Broni would actually die at 31 years of age, so I got to have her for an extra year.

Broni contacted Swine Flu in October 2010 and was put onto life support and an ECMO machine (this took the blood out of her body, oxygenated it and returned it to her body) as her lungs were completely clogged from the Swine Flu and she could not breath thru her lungs. 16 days later her body had healed itself and for the first time doctors said she was out of danger. I was so excited and rang everyone saying she was going to get better, you can imagine how excited and relieved I was. Broni actually flutted her eyelids and mouthed (around the 2 huge tubes in her mouth) the words " I love you mom" and squeezed my hand earlier in that day even though she was on life support and in a coma. It was less than an hour after the doctors said she was over the worst that she suddenly had a massive brain hemorrage which they operated on immediately but could do nothing to save her. She was brought back to her room where all we could do was hold her while her life was ebbing slowly out of her, her poor body trying to survive but knowing that it couldnt. No parent should have to watch their child dying in front of them and not be able to do a thing to help her, it just rips the heart and guts to pieces, and yes, I died that day my Broni died, the "me" that was died and will never be again. I am one person that others see on the outside and another person on inside that others will never know how damaged and fragile or the depths that that pain goes to, except those of you here reading this will know. That is one of the worst memories that keeps coming up over and over again and each time it rips my heart and guts up into shreds all over again. It does not go away for long. As a mom and dad we should be able to fix our child, make it better but we had to just sit there with our hands tied and hold her with all our love till she was gone. Eventually the life support was turned off as it was so painful watching Broni trying to breath and knowing she would never ever breath on her own again. This I am sure was my Bronis' "Bermuda Triangle"

I feel so very privaledged to have been chosen to be Bronis' mom and will be eternally thankful she was in my life for those fantastic 31 years. She was special and had a profound effect on all those around her. She had a wonderful job where she was highly respected in the business world. She had bought a block of land and had a large house built on it, which she only got to live in for 3 months before she died. It was her dream home, she bought it on her own, quite an achievment. I am so proud of what Broni had achieved in her short lifetime and I told her so many times how proud of her I was, she would say "yes mom" ! Broni was a quiet achiever, she had won many awards for different things thru out her life, but never talked much about them, accepting them quietly. I would like to thank you for having a place where I can write about my child, it helps a little. Dru

[Kenn]

Well lucky you, you get to hear my reply. LOL

My heart goes out to you. My experience was very different, but I suspect the pain is very much the same. I was the calm one who kept cool like a dead man walking as I told myself I had to accept the reality of what happened even though I didn't want to. I too wanted to touch and hug my daughter as long as i could because it helped me accept a reality that I didn't want. The memory of her cold body often comes to me in the night as I'm trying to sleep, and I wake and wish I could hug her again. Her cheek was so cold against my cheek, but somehow it was a good thing for me to be able to do it. That memory isn't negative, but needed for me being able to accept her death. My daughter died in July, but it still seems like a dream. I'm a dad and you are a mom, but our pain is very much the same. We aren't that different when it comes to grieving. I think anyone who really loves someone and loses them to death understands how we feel. I force myself to accept it, but I hate it. "It is what it is," my daughter used to say all the time. It is what it is, and she would want me to pick myself up and be strong, and that's what I'm going to do. If I don't feel like smiling I'll fake it until I make it. The world doesn't just revolve around me. The rest of our family hurt too when Hannah died, and I'll be danged if I go around acting like I'm the only one hurting. It helps me to help everyone else, and that is what my daughter would want for me. I wish you well.

My ramblings have irritated and/or even offended a few on here, and that is not my intention at all...it is because of that I quit posting so frequently. However, this morning, I feel inclined to share. LOL Lucky you!

For the new people on here, whom I haven't introduced myself to or given the proper condolensces for your reason for being here, the following post is something I journaled within a few days of my daughter's death. I just want to give you the understanding that I know grief very well. Grief and I have been on this life's journey together since I was very young. Grief would never introduce itself to me with such power and force as it did the day my daughter died................

This is all such a surreal experience. It's almost "out of body" type experience. From the phone call to get to the hospital quick to me yelling NO at the doctor when he took me in a separate room and mechanically delivered the news that my daughter had "bled out" and died that morning..........news I refused to believe and demanded he allow me to see my daughter RIGHT NOW to walking in the room where my daughter's body lay while her father stood sobbing over her to the strange sounds that immediately escaped my throat without my permission. I knew it was me screaming. I heard it. I felt it. I also could hear my ex-husband's cries increase as I screamed my rejection of the "NOW" to the universe. I could hear his wife crying as she watched me writhe in pain and anguish over my daughter's body.

A man I did not know reached for me and said, "Ma'am"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled at him. He quickly backed away as the screams from the inner part of my soul escaped without my consent.

I have no idea how long the screaming continued...........but, as abruptly as it began.........it stopped. I sat. Took a breath. Held my daughter's arm. Looked at the stranger that was risking his life just moments before and demanded..."Who are you?"

The coroner. There were two of them.

I inspected my daughters obvious injuries. I was grateful to learn she had not been decapitated. I tried to pull grass and weeds out of her blood matted hair. I kissed her repeatedly. After making the necessary phone calls to have the family assemble, I laid my head on my daughter's chest and began to softly sing....."We are one in the spirit".

"She's not here" I finally announced.

My body was trembling against my will. My legs were visibly shaking. "Let's go" I say to my ex husband and his wife, whom I've referred to my "wife in law" all these years. That day she became my sister.

The chaplain who had prayed with us earlier in the room stopped us as we walked down the hall. "Do you want your daughter to be a donor?"

There were papers to sign.

I walked back mechanically and pulled the nurses stool out for myself. I stared at the room my daughter's body was in. The nurse said she needed the correct spelling of my name. "They can tell you" I say as I rise to walk back to my daughter. The coroner stopped me at the door. "Ma'am. This is not what you want your last memory of your daughter to be."

"Oh yes it is!" I whisper as I push past him. "I want to see every scrape, every cut, every bruise."

Without saying another word, the two coroners stood quietly as I ran my finger softly over each wound, beginning at her feet. I noticed her cute underwear. "Very comfortable" I thought.

I recalled the first time I performed a similar inspection of her body. Making sure she had all her toes and fingers. Trying to make her tiny mouth fit around my nipple as I clumsily tried to breastfeed (and failed miserably) I touched her and caressed in much the same fashion then as I did now.

I inhaled her scent then as I was doing now. "Don't let me forget." I whisper.

The physical ripping I endured to bring her into this world was nothing compared to the physical, spiritual and emotional ripping I was experiencing now.

"My sweet, sweet baby" I whisper...........just as I whispered then.

I tried to clean the blood from her hair...just as I did then.

I kissed her one last time as I whispered "I love you".

The shaking had stopped as involuntarily as it began. I walked out of the room and informed my now sister and brother ex husband I was capable of driving myself home.

[Kenn]

My heart goes out to you. It is an eye opener to realize how similar many of our experiences have been. The world is very hard place to live, and the death experience affects us all sooner or later. I'm glad you posted, it does me good to realize that others are hurting too. I'm not glad you are hurting, but realizing others hurt too helps me take my focus off me. Have a great day. I wish you well.

Hi, this is my first time here so hope i am in the right place. Something that Jillys mom wrote is so similiar to what I experienced with my Broni. The part about her daughter being an old spirit. I always called my Broni an old spirit, she would laugh about it but say no more. However, when Broni was 12, 13, 14 or so she would often tell Richard and I that she would only live to be 30 years old and if she was still here then she would go to the Burmuda Triangle where she believed she would "disappear" We would just smile and not say much about it, even though Broni sounded quite serious about it. Thinking it just a childish thing she had in her head. Little did we know that Broni would actually die at 31 years of age, so I got to have her for an extra year.

Broni contacted Swine Flu in October 2010 and was put onto life support and an ECMO machine (this took the blood out of her body, oxygenated it and returned it to her body) as her lungs were completely clogged from the Swine Flu and she could not breath thru her lungs. 16 days later her body had healed itself and for the first time doctors said she was out of danger. I was so excited and rang everyone saying she was going to get better, you can imagine how excited and relieved I was. Broni actually flutted her eyelids and mouthed (around the 2 huge tubes in her mouth) the words " I love you mom" and squeezed my hand earlier in that day even though she was on life support and in a coma. It was less than an hour after the doctors said she was over the worst that she suddenly had a massive brain hemorrage which they operated on immediately but could do nothing to save her. She was brought back to her room where all we could do was hold her while her life was ebbing slowly out of her, her poor body trying to survive but knowing that it couldnt. No parent should have to watch their child dying in front of them and not be able to do a thing to help her, it just rips the heart and guts to pieces, and yes, I died that day my Broni died, the "me" that was died and will never be again. I am one person that others see on the outside and another person on inside that others will never know how damaged and fragile or the depths that that pain goes to, except those of you here reading this will know. That is one of the worst memories that keeps coming up over and over again and each time it rips my heart and guts up into shreds all over again. It does not go away for long. As a mom and dad we should be able to fix our child, make it better but we had to just sit there with our hands tied and hold her with all our love till she was gone. Eventually the life support was turned off as it was so painful watching Broni trying to breath and knowing she would never ever breath on her own again. This I am sure was my Bronis' "Bermuda Triangle"

I feel so very privaledged to have been chosen to be Bronis' mom and will be eternally thankful she was in my life for those fantastic 31 years. She was special and had a profound effect on all those around her. She had a wonderful job where she was highly respected in the business world. She had bought a block of land and had a large house built on it, which she only got to live in for 3 months before she died. It was her dream home, she bought it on her own, quite an achievment. I am so proud of what Broni had achieved in her short lifetime and I told her so many times how proud of her I was, she would say "yes mom" ! Broni was a quiet achiever, she had won many awards for different things thru out her life, but never talked much about them, accepting them quietly. I would like to thank you for having a place where I can write about my child, it helps a little. Dru

[ericasmom]

Amber's Mom, All of us here know adn understand how that core of support begins to fray. I am lucky to have my husband, sisters, nieces and nephews, and a good group of friends at work and in my outside-school-group, but it is a much smaller group than I once hung out with. Many do feel that talking about our Child upsets their balance of what life is supposed to be, we are the downer in a room but it will become easier in a few months. By then you will see who it is you care to spend time with and those are the people then, that you can speak about AMBER all the time, the others are a drain on our energies and we don't need more drag on our hugely exhausting tiny steps forward. You grieve as you must, all of us grieve differently but there are stages to our grief and we must honor them if we are going to take those steps. You are aching of course, and those that can't be near you ache? That is on them, not you.

[ericasmom]

Hi Dru, so sad that you need a place to be but so happy that you found this place. Many here are in that same first year and actually, first months timeline. Some of us here much longer but will never forget those firsts in our grief. Broni sounds like a lovely young lady, and your pride in her is beautiful. We have another on this site from Australia, whom you will see here as well. I am8.5 years on this journey, here to let newer to this pain know, that it will get better but that there is no way to go around or under grief, just through.

I read a lot of memoir after Eri died, one book that you may really see so much of your loss in comes in the book: PAULA, by Isabelle Alende'. Her daughter, Paula died from an illness as well, and she explains the ins and outs of that time so well. Later, after her life got some sense of semblance again, she wrote another memoir' as a book to Paula telling her how the whole family is, what they have done to carry on and carry her with them through the tears and through the healing. That book is called: The Sum of our Days.

Keep posting, keep saying Broni's name, talk to her, she is not faraway.

Susannah, it's been a while, how are you?

[shorty16]

My Friends

The stories of seeing our kids as they are dying or already dead is one only a parent who has lost a child can read and understand.

All different stories with the same ending.

My son died on the side of the road. We could hear flight-for-life and the police told us they were taking Brian to Froedert Hospital. We jumped in the car and left to meet the helicopter.

45 minutes later, the helicopter returned - - and it was empty.

Brian died at the scene and Flight-for-life does not transport dead people.

I can remember the 2 flight nurses and a social worker walking toward us and asking us to go into this room and they closed the door.

They said "He did not make it" I thought "Well, where did he go, bowling?" (The thought of Brian dying never entered my head) Then my husband said "He's dead?" They shook their heads in agreement.

Every nerve in my body exploded. My skin hurt. When Scott tried to touch me, I had to push him away, the burning of my skin was overwhelming.

Brian had been taken to the hospital, but not admitted. Hospitals do not admit dead people. We went home and got our kids and returned to see Brian. He looked like he was sleeping other than a bruise above his eye. The tube down his throat forced his head back. When I touched his cheek, it was cold. I will never forget that feeling. We were all crying so hard we could not breath. After several minutes, we left Brian and went home.

This is, by far, the worst day of my life. My son died car-surfing. I do not even know how those two words can go together. The driver of the car is now a convicted felon for homicide.

We can have a life without our kids. We will never be the same, but we can be. We can learn to laugh again. It just takes ALOT of time.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks for your post, Kenn. Sometimes I do think I act like I am the only one hurting. The first moments, hours and days, I held it together for my family. I was so numb, I hardly cried, but started almost immediately to do things that I thought needed to be done. I knew that God had given me that strength to console when my daughter flipped out at the hospital where they took him to be pronounced, and strength when my husband passed out when we went in to ID Jared. Somehow I held myself together, prayed as I touched my son's lifeless body, asked God to take his broken body and soul to be with Him, and keep him and love him until we got there. I remember holding his hand and trying to bring warmth back to it, and kissing the only clean spot I could find on the top of his forehead.

It was almost two weeks after Jared's death, before I broke down uncontrollably and cried and screamed until I had dry heaves. I don't know what kept me together, other than God, in those first weeks. I remember consoling his friends, telling them Jared wouldn't want them to cry and be upset, that he was with God, and would be watching over them and us. I was able to relate funny stories and memories that were so precious to us to others.

What changed for me after that time, was finding out what I had been told that night of the crash was not correct information. I had not only believed what the police told me, but fed that misinformation to my family and others around me, so that anger wouldn't be a part of their process. Then I find out that the facts given to me were incorrect. Imagine, being told one scenario, and actually feeling sorry for the driver, only to find out that those facts weren't true!

Now I struggle with anger, and am desperate for truth and justice. I feel like I was robbed, not only of my son, but of the ability to react like I know I would have, if I had all the facts on the night that it happened.

I want to scream at those that tell me "everything happens for a reason", TELL ME WHAT WAS THE REASON? Why did my babyboy have to be mown down like an animal in the street? WHY, when we are good parents, and responsible citizens, and have given most of our adult lives to volunteering to help others by coaching and teaching their kids, why did this have to happen??? What lesson is there to learn?

It is at these times, of extreme pain and sorrow, that the prayers or the poetry come to me. I don't have the answers, don't know that I will ever have them in this lifetime, but I do believe that someday, we will know.

Hang on.

http://youtu.be/voEQtoF3gzw

Well lucky you, you get to hear my reply. LOL

My heart goes out to you. My experience was very different, but I suspect the pain is very much the same. I was the calm one who kept cool like a dead man walking as I told myself I had to accept the reality of what happened even though I didn't want to. I too wanted to touch and hug my daughter as long as i could because it helped me accept a reality that I didn't want. The memory of her cold body often comes to me in the night as I'm trying to sleep, and I wake and wish I could hug her again. Her cheek was so cold against my cheek, but somehow it was a good thing for me to be able to do it. That memory isn't negative, but needed for me being able to accept her death. My daughter died in July, but it still seems like a dream. I'm a dad and you are a mom, but our pain is very much the same. We aren't that different when it comes to grieving. I think anyone who really loves someone and loses them to death understands how we feel. I force myself to accept it, but I hate it. "It is what it is," my daughter used to say all the time. It is what it is, and she would want me to pick myself up and be strong, and that's what I'm going to do. If I don't feel like smiling I'll fake it until I make it. The world doesn't just revolve around me. The rest of our family hurt too when Hannah died, and I'll be danged if I go around acting like I'm the only one hurting. It helps me to help everyone else, and that is what my daughter would want for me. I wish you well.

[Kenn]

Hey Becky, I do understand your hurt and anger as you are finding out new information about what happened. My daughter shouldn't have had to die either and I do blame someone, actually a lot of people. However there isn't anything I can do to bring her back. One doctor here in Florida who was handing out powerful drugs like they were candy has found himself in jail, and that helps some. Actually there were several deaths due to the drugs he was giving people, but he will get a slap on the hand instead of his own death sentence. That is just one example of the unjust getting away with murder in this old world we live in. In Florida we have these legal pill mills turning out powerful drugs that are killing large numbers of people. That angers me, but there isn't much I can do to stop it. We have tried to do what we can in a legal way. Some laws are now changing that will make it harder for these animals to push their legal drugs to people who are hurting. People actually come from other states because it is so easy to legally get the powerful drugs they want.

I have enough emotions bottled up inside me about the many different experiences over the last several years before her death that could write a book. So many things went wrong, and so many people share a part of the blame. I can choose to be bitter and angry at everyone, or I can have a little mercy and hope everyone shows me mercy too. Guilt has been the hardest thing for me. I blame myself for not being the perfect dad, and now I can't go back and do it better. "It is what it is." I'll accept that and learn from the ignorant mistakes I made, and hopefully i'll be a better person because of it. It makes it so much easier for me to forgive realizing that I need to be forgiven. The people who failed Hannah in ignorance have my forgiveness. The people who caused her death because of greed do not. I like to see things as they are, and if I think someone isn't sorry for their guilt they deserve the harshest consequences in my opinion. Even though I still carry a lot of anger I forgive myself because I know it is a natural response. However the guilt of opportunities lost when Hannah was a child weigh me down. I know I did the best I knew how to do at the time, but oh how I wish I could have those days over to hug and kiss that little girl until she thought she was the most special child in this whole world. If I could I would do a lot of things differently. That knowledge has made me a better person, and it has made me more caring about what others are going through. The world doesn't just revolve around me, and I never want to forget that again. When Hannah was a child I became very self-centered, and i am so sorry for that. Wish I could do my life over, but I can't.

Thanks for your post, Kenn. Sometimes I do think I act like I am the only one hurting. The first moments, hours and days, I held it together for my family. I was so numb, I hardly cried, but started almost immediately to do things that I thought needed to be done. I knew that God had given me that strength to console when my daughter flipped out at the hospital where they took him to be pronounced, and strength when my husband passed out when we went in to ID Jared. Somehow I held myself together, prayed as I touched my son's lifeless body, asked God to take his broken body and soul to be with Him, and keep him and love him until we got there. I remember holding his hand and trying to bring warmth back to it, and kissing the only clean spot I could find on the top of his forehead.

It was almost two weeks after Jared's death, before I broke down uncontrollably and cried and screamed until I had dry heaves. I don't know what kept me together, other than God, in those first weeks. I remember consoling his friends, telling them Jared wouldn't want them to cry and be upset, that he was with God, and would be watching over them and us. I was able to relate funny stories and memories that were so precious to us to others.

What changed for me after that time, was finding out what I had been told that night of the crash was not correct information. I had not only believed what the police told me, but fed that misinformation to my family and others around me, so that anger wouldn't be a part of their process. Then I find out that the facts given to me were incorrect. Imagine, being told one scenario, and actually feeling sorry for the driver, only to find out that those facts weren't true!

Now I struggle with anger, and am desperate for truth and justice. I feel like I was robbed, not only of my son, but of the ability to react like I know I would have, if I had all the facts on the night that it happened.

I want to scream at those that tell me "everything happens for a reason", TELL ME WHAT WAS THE REASON? Why did my babyboy have to be mown down like an animal in the street? WHY, when we are good parents, and responsible citizens, and have given most of our adult lives to volunteering to help others by coaching and teaching their kids, why did this have to happen??? What lesson is there to learn?

It is at these times, of extreme pain and sorrow, that the prayers or the poetry come to me. I don't have the answers, don't know that I will ever have them in this lifetime, but I do believe that someday, we will know.

Hang on.

http://youtu.be/voEQtoF3gzw

[vivkib]

Still working towards finding and presenting the truth in the crash that took my son's life. Can't say much more, but here is what I wrote this morning, Monday, 17 weeks today.

What lovelly words from a grieving heart. You have a wonderful gift.

[Kenn]

Giving it to God is the best thing we can do Becky. Good for you. It sure takes a huge load off if we can manage it.

What lovelly words from a grieving heart. You have a wonderful gift.

[vivkib]

My ramblings have irritated and/or even offended a few on here, and that is not my intention at all...it is because of that I quit posting so frequently. However, this morning, I feel inclined to share. LOL Lucky you!

For the new people on here, whom I haven't introduced myself to or given the proper condolensces for your reason for being here, the following post is something I journaled within a few days of my daughter's death. I just want to give you the understanding that I know grief very well. Grief and I have been on this life's journey together since I was very young. Grief would never introduce itself to me with such power and force as it did the day my daughter died................

This is all such a surreal experience. It's almost "out of body" type experience. From the phone call to get to the hospital quick to me yelling NO at the doctor when he took me in a separate room and mechanically delivered the news that my daughter had "bled out" and died that morning..........news I refused to believe and demanded he allow me to see my daughter RIGHT NOW to walking in the room where my daughter's body lay while her father stood sobbing over her to the strange sounds that immediately escaped my throat without my permission. I knew it was me screaming. I heard it. I felt it. I also could hear my ex-husband's cries increase as I screamed my rejection of the "NOW" to the universe. I could hear his wife crying as she watched me writhe in pain and anguish over my daughter's body.

A man I did not know reached for me and said, "Ma'am"

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled at him. He quickly backed away as the screams from the inner part of my soul escaped without my consent.

I have no idea how long the screaming continued...........but, as abruptly as it began.........it stopped. I sat. Took a breath. Held my daughter's arm. Looked at the stranger that was risking his life just moments before and demanded..."Who are you?"

The coroner. There were two of them.

I inspected my daughters obvious injuries. I was grateful to learn she had not been decapitated. I tried to pull grass and weeds out of her blood matted hair. I kissed her repeatedly. After making the necessary phone calls to have the family assemble, I laid my head on my daughter's chest and began to softly sing....."We are one in the spirit".

"She's not here" I finally announced.

My body was trembling against my will. My legs were visibly shaking. "Let's go" I say to my ex husband and his wife, whom I've referred to my "wife in law" all these years. That day she became my sister.

The chaplain who had prayed with us earlier in the room stopped us as we walked down the hall. "Do you want your daughter to be a donor?"

There were papers to sign.

I walked back mechanically and pulled the nurses stool out for myself. I stared at the room my daughter's body was in. The nurse said she needed the correct spelling of my name. "They can tell you" I say as I rise to walk back to my daughter. The coroner stopped me at the door. "Ma'am. This is not what you want your last memory of your daughter to be."

"Oh yes it is!" I whisper as I push past him. "I want to see every scrape, every cut, every bruise."

Without saying another word, the two coroners stood quietly as I ran my finger softly over each wound, beginning at her feet. I noticed her cute underwear. "Very comfortable" I thought.

I recalled the first time I performed a similar inspection of her body. Making sure she had all her toes and fingers. Trying to make her tiny mouth fit around my nipple as I clumsily tried to breastfeed (and failed miserably) I touched her and caressed in much the same fashion then as I did now.

I inhaled her scent then as I was doing now. "Don't let me forget." I whisper.

The physical ripping I endured to bring her into this world was nothing compared to the physical, spiritual and emotional ripping I was experiencing now.

"My sweet, sweet baby" I whisper...........just as I whispered then.

I tried to clean the blood from her hair...just as I did then.

I kissed her one last time as I whispered "I love you".

The shaking had stopped as involuntarily as it began. I walked out of the room and informed my now sister and brother ex husband I was capable of driving myself home.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Strange how something so very tragic can bring together an "extended" family. Your story sounds so much like mine with the ex-husband and his wife. Our stories of grief are very different, my son Kevin died of AEA at age 28 4Months ago, but it brought my ex-husband, his wife, my husband, and myself so close. My ex's wife was a God-send to me during the first week and continues to be. She is now one of my best friends. I don't know how I would have gotten through that time without her.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Pokemon Song by JD at 4 years of age.

I wish I could put my hands on video at an older age, but at some point, the kids broke my video recorder, which was bigger and bulkier than what we know today.

[Susie_q512]

Hello Everyone,

Wish I had something positive and uplifting to say or share, but I seem to have fallen into a place I can only identify as "depressed." I feel dead inside, no energy, no will, no motivation. Shannon's puppy, Lexi, which she was allowed to adopt a few weeks before her death, exhausts me....I swear this puppy is so much like Shannon it's strange.....super high energy, zero attention span, into EVERYTHING, and bounding with activity, happiness, and a sense of experiencing the wonders of each day with enthusiasm. Shannon exhausted me, too.....brings back so many memories of Shannon in her younger years. I remember the many times I would collapse to the floor, exhausted to the point of tears, begging God "Please, just make her stop....just let her get still long enough to fall asleep." She would eventually fall asleep only to awake after a few hours of "recharging" and literally leap off her bed, feet running, non-stop for another long and active day. I rarely got angry in the wake of her "chaos", that chaos was a normal and expected aspect of "Life with Shannon." Very impulsive girl. If she found a can of paint and wanted to see what it would look like on the wall, she would pull out the paint tray and roller and paint a section of the wall.....fulling expecting no one would notice. At about age 4 or 5, there was a knock on the front door. I opened it, and there she was, with a backpack on her back...I never even knew she had gone out the back door.....she was so clever. Anyway, she just wanted to tell me goodbye and that she loved me, but she was running away. I asked her where she was going and why? She told me that she was going to live with our neighbors because they had a Golden Retriever, but she would come back for visits. Made perfect since in her mind, I suppose. Everything she read, was told, or heard somewhere, was taken literally. Once, when she was in 6th or 7th grade, a teacher explained different learning types. She identified Shannon as the type of learner that learned while doing something physical during the process.....I wanted to throttle this teacher, but she had no idea what her telling had created for me.....for months, whenever studying with Shannon or drilling her for a quiz or test, she would be practicing volley ball....bumping it up against the wall, moving to bump it again so that the rhythm wasn't broken....drove me crazy! It was always challenging to keep her attention and keep her still to studying, but this episode took the cake.....So, this puppy certainly has caused me to relive those early days and nights with Shannon. Bittersweet memories....thankful for them, but they cause me to miss my girl so much....she was so engaging and entertaining.

Peace and love to all.

And Susannah - Good to see you post....Every word was very moving. Thank You.

[ericasmom]

Written long ago but seems with so many new to this scene, it may be of some comfort'

A New Home

She went home-but she took our old home with her,

causing us to search

and discover ways to find shelter,

and to learn to function without oxygen.

I sucked hard and filled my lungs with memories,

from which stores of air live.

And I coughed and sputtered and found shelter in all she left.

Dee Conmy

[RMoore]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl. Strange how something so very tragic can bring together an "extended" family. Your story sounds so much like mine with the ex-husband and his wife. Our stories of grief are very different, my son Kevin died of AEA at age 28 4Months ago, but it brought my ex-husband, his wife, my husband, and myself so close. My ex's wife was a God-send to me during the first week and continues to be. She is now one of my best friends. I don't know how I would have gotten through that time without her.

Reading you post brought involuntary tears streaming down my face as I am experiencing the numbness wearing off

I seldom post but I find the chat room helpful

I think people should post as often as the need is there so don't feel you over do it ...

I received the "call" early afternoon on a Wednesday..

"Amber is in ICU get there as fast as you can she may not make it " my eldest daughter said through sobs

What ? Why ? How? My brain began spinning as I hung up the phone not knowing what hospital to even go to

I informed my eldest son and wanted him to drive yet I decided he go with and I drive ..

I honestly barely remember the approximately 30 mile drive there .. its a blur ..

I remember frantic calls to find out what hospital and WHAT happened ?? All kinds of crazy things going through my head..

WHY IS MY DAUGHTER IN ICU ...???? WHY WHY WHY ... What HAppened ...

I "think" I got a glimpse of her in the room before we met with the doctor ...

I remember the doctor looking at me like I was a nut or not listening to her as I said words of hope

my dad had a miracle on Christmas day a few years ago .. maybe we are entitled to another miracle

Maybe Amber is entitled to a miracle just one ..

The doctor looked at me like I wasn't listening to her words...

NO HOPE ..

NO HOPE?? How can there be NO hope???

Amber had no visual signs of injury or trauma .. she was on life support and looked like she was sleeping

If there was NO hope why all the machines why why why ?????

WE were not contacted for 14 hours after the CRASH ( Drunk driver involved not Amber)

What took so long .. Amber had ID current address on it, what were people thinking or NOT thinking ??

I too went into the uncontrollable screams of disbelief the first time they approached how serious Ambers injuries were

I barely remember it but I do remember punching a wall and thinking in the back of my head they were going to sedate me

Her father left the room as I screamed my eldest daughter tried to console me and they closed the door to buffer my animal

like screams...

I went down stairs and punched a tree few times like that was going to matter..

It was DAYS before they pronounced Amber .. "In the sate of California she is legally brain dead"

Her father was told as I was passed out in the waiting room from PURE EXHAUSTION

Even after he requested not to be told until I was awake and with him ..

The words were said very robotically matter a fact .. as if reading a grocery list

My Amber was kept "viable" for two days while the Vultures ( donor people) did testing etc..

Her lifeless body stayed where I could see changes take place they could not medically prevent

I could not walk away as her mother while her body was still there ..

She gave life to four people five days before Christmas.. I was told I could over ride her decision

but was told wrong .. there were many injuries we were not told about until after her being pronounced

The hospital NEVER told us she was DOA it was the police that told us that !!!

I see a huge bill racked up unnecessary tests etc.. we were at hospital a total of 6 days yet Amber was DOA ..

The donor people had attitude when I asked them to stop for one second so I could kiss my child one

last time before she was taken .. I feel apart as they wheeled her away ..

Amber was a twin and I worry a lot about her twin who is now twinless I worry about her older siblings as well

Sorry this is long I tried to leave out a lot ..

Thanks for letting me share

love and prayers to all who have to come here

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all of my Indigo family, and especially to those new to this site...you have found a wonderful place to be for the horrific path you have found yourselves on and we who have come here before you all are paving that path ahead of you...a path none of us ever expected to be on but one, unfortunately, that we cannot turn off of. We who have been here longer, as Dee has said, can promise you that it does get better, softer, if you will, but it is a different time frame for everyone. I am currently sitting by my hubby as he receives his chemo treatment ( for the benefit of you who are new to the site, he was diagnosed with pancreatc cancer in November). And wanted to just pop in and let you all know that I haven't taken off for parts unknown or anything like that. I have been reading and praying for all as usual, but it has been difficult to come on and post mostly because I am not known for my brevity, so once I sign on and begin posting, I am hofere for a while...a while that it seems more difficult to find the time for with this everyday treatment program for him. I must do better, though, because I find myself adrift when I am not posting, and the dark places more frequently waylaying me as I go back to the path of loss with my son's death and a had to the possible loss now of my husband...a loss I pray daily that will not happen , EVER, unealistically... but at least not any time soon' prayerfully.

Susannah...your wisdom and writings, while perhaps thought of by yourself (or at least feared by yourself to be) irritating and/or offensive to some, I must reassure you (and I believe I speak for all here) are seen as the incredibly profound written thoughts of one who has seen much, been through much, unfortunately, andare blessed with the wonderful gift of being able to share through your writings the myriad lessons learned (or still being learned, because as we all know, some lessons must be learned over and over again) over time, and through experience of being on this roller coaster, forward and backwards journey of grieving the loss of a child, "learning to grieve" can be a long and pain-filled education that is never really completed...just renewed as we take those sometimes three steps forward and four steps back. Our lives are enriched by your presence on BI and your postings are sorely missed when you are not posting. Please know that you are part of this family and always will be, posting or not, but we all are so much more enriched, comforted, and taught by your presence here.

I must sign off now, as hubby has completed this days doses of poison and we will go out into the beautiful soft-falling snow that this day is bringing us and try to concentrate only on the fact of that, and not on the questions that we find ourselves facing when we think of our future. Perhaps a good sign this morning was finding a penny in our bathroom dated 1964...the year we were married...a good reminder of how many years we've had together and a good "token" to hold onto that we will have at least a few more. We know that our son watches over us (how else would there be a 1964 penny on our bathroom floor?) And with God's help, will be with us through this journey we now find ourselves on to try to restore his dad's health, even if it means exposing ourselves to the pain of the treatment...we are blessed to have access to this treatment and the wonderful docs and other staff here at the cancer center...the same one that helped our son get 17 more months of life after his diagnosis of brain cancer, when others told us to "take him home and make his last days as comfortable as possible." We now pray for success with his dad treatment.

Love to you all...will continue this post later at home.

[Maddy6]

This really helped me today. I hope it may help some of you. I am posting the link.

[Maddy6]

1328034235' post='83371']

Pokemon Song by JD at 4 years of age.

I wish I could put my hands on video at an older age, but at some point, the kids broke my video recorder, which was bigger and bulkier than what we know today.

JD's mom, he was so precious. Brought a smile to my face :-)

[robyn]

Susannah,

I read your post and cried like a fool. You don't want to believe it. It HAS to be a mistake. I understand. When we got "the call", it was from Chrissy's husband, telling us to get to the hospital, that Chrissy needed us. My husband came pounding down the stairs, yelling, "get in the car! something's wrong with Chrissy!" All the way I prayed it wasn't bad, and even pictured myself scolding her for working too hard, or not eating right. But she was already gone when we got there and no one could tell us why. People there kept trying to hold on to me and it was like being in a fight. WHen the chaplain told me "she didn't make it" I screamed at him and called him a liar. I hated them all so much. When I went in the room, she was so peaceful, looking as if she was just asleep. At first, I held her and begged her to come back, don't go, kissed her and smelled her hair. And then reality washed over me like the most painful wave I had ever felt. I cannot describe it, but I know everyone here knows exactly what I mean- the "pulling" sensation in the pit of your stomach and the feeling of something like fear. All I could do was beg God to tell me WHY He had done this, WHY did You take her? I'm the one with cancer- it was supposed to be me- NOT HER! I hated God and cursed him and pushed the chaplain away, even as he tried to help. The next few days were a blur. We all "camped out" at her house with her husband and her little girls, all of us acting like zombies. Another police officer, friend to my husband and Chrissy's husband, pretty much moved in with us and took care of the family for this time. I don't know what would have happened if not for him.

I think the breaking point came with her memorial service. We had a loop of pictures of her and her favorite music playing. The minister was a friend of Chrissy's and he led the service and her husband and dad got up to speak about her. There were so many people that it was standing room only. I had always known how much Chrissy affected everyone she knew- I just didn't know how much.There are so many people who loved her so much and miss her. I felt her so strongly that night. On the 27th, we took her ashes out to her favorite beach and at dawn, the time she usually did her devotions, we sprinkled her ashes on the beach. The tide was just starting to come in and was still a bit out, but this one perfect little wave came in just far enough and took her ashes away, and (this is the absolute truth) left a bunch of perfect little shells behind. We each have some of them. The sun coming up was perfect and I felt her so close and I knew everything was going to be ok.

I know now that God never left us, loved us, and still is there. WHere she is, is what she worked towards with everything she ever had. She prayed for her family EVERY DAY. All she ever wanted was for us all to be together for eternity, and I will not disappoint her. She carried His Word in her heart, and I am determined to do the same, and to try to live the way she did. Chrissy is probably the only one I know who actually tried to follow Christ's second command (the hardest one!) and tried to see everyone the way God does. When she encountered a difficult person, she would pray for more patience for HERSELF. Amazing.

Our real life starts AFTER this one. The hurt and loss we endure here is fleeting compared with what is waiting, where we will NEVER be separated from those we love- ever. It is what I long for. Being strong, working until He calls us, to see joy in the ones who we have here with us still, all seems a tall order, especially during a particularly dark night. But the best thing we can do is to never forget that the Creator of the universe thinks that each one of us is the most important thing in the world and sent HIS Son to die for us.

2 months, 8 days

[ericasmom]

Carol, so good to see your Mike's shining face today. Lovely. I know that the chemo must be hard on your both, but that penny you found was no doubt given to you as a gift and a sign that Mike is nearby. Always.

Susan, you needn't have positive things to share at this place, not this early anyway...you have a very full plate Sweetie, you have to grieve no matter what else is on that plate.

Amber's Mom, remembering the day that changed your world will always be right there as a replay or a looped film, it is going to be like that for a while, later on, you might find as I did, that keeping that loop going is very taxing, and that it takes up the room in your spirit that will eventually be filled with the best of your life and memories, tucked beside the grief, learning to live with them side-by-side. I am sorry for the cold attitude you received in the hospital, the lack of empathy.You needn't leave parts of it out unless they make you uncomfortable, no worries about us, we sure do get it, many of us with similar experiences

about us, we sure do get it, many of us with similar experiences.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks for that, Maddy. Loved it! So inspiring...

This really helped me today. I hope it may help some of you. I am posting the link.

Maddy

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks Robyn for sharing with us. So many today have helped to lift my spirits. I love the pics of your daughter.

Our real life starts AFTER this one. The hurt and loss we endure here is fleeting compared with what is waiting, where we will NEVER be separated from those we love- ever. It is what I long for. Being strong, working until He calls us, to see joy in the ones who we have here with us still, all seems a tall order, especially during a particularly dark night. But the best thing we can do is to never forget that the Creator of the universe thinks that each one of us is the most important thing in the world and sent HIS Son to die for us.

2 months, 8 days

[JD's Mom, Becky]

So sorry and so sad reading your account of how you lost your daughter. She was so beautiful, and I feel your pain and loss. I know it won't bring her back, but I pray for justice in your situation too.

Keep coming back here.

All of you help me to not feel alone, and to not feel like I am losing my mind.

Thanks for letting me share

love and prayers to all who have to come here

[Guest msnher]

Hello, Indigo's....

It's been a long day redecorating our rental - my son and his son rents it from us. New flooring, painting and redoing windows.....badly needed, but very tired. I'm too exhausted to post too much. I cried when I read about Robyn's experience with Chrissy.

I always get choked up every time I read about your experience, Colleen. Each time you share I hope for a different ending...rewriting - if only I could!

I'm good, Dee.......incredibly busy with the kids and the rental.

Carol, I just love you, my friend! God bless your heart! You and Ralph/Mike remain in my prayers always!

Hugs to each of you...please forgive me for not responding to each of you as I want to...my brain is spent!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[aim630]

I have not posted in a while, but read every day.

Susannah-Don't ever think you are annoying or offensive. Like Carol said, you add so much to this site, and I have missed your posts recently. I understand not feeling up to posting, but whenever you feel up to it, I enjoy what you have to say.

Carol-Thinking of you and Mike as you fight this. Young Mike definitely had a hand in the 1964 penny. It's not like those are normally found just laying around in your bathroom! Mike is letting you know he is always with you and his dad.

Dru-I am sorry for the loss of your dear Broni. My 23 yr old Ashley died in almost the exact same way. She had swine flu in September of 2009, but seemed to recover after about a week. In mid November 2009, she was sick again, this time from mono and pneumonia. She was hospitalized and put on a ventilator and put in a medically induced coma about 2 Wks before her 23rd birthday. In early December, they took her out of ICU, and out of the coma, and into the step down ward. Within 24 hrs, she had 106 degree fever, and her lung collapsed due to ventilator acquired pneumonia. Her doctor wanted to fly her to Columbus and put her on an EKMO machine, but Columbus wouldn't accept her since she was so sick. Well, she made it through the night, but then her kidneys failed, so she was on dialysis. She started recovering though, and in early Jan 2010, she was taken out of the ICU again, into step-down. About a week later her kidneys started functioning again, and she didn't need dialysis anymore. She was still on the ventilator, and very weak, since it had been 2 months. They began weaning her off the ventilator, and she was starting to breathe with very little support. On Feb 9, 2010, the doctors said she could have a slushy and ice pops, (her very first "food" in almost 3 months). I showed up with the slushy, but they wouldn't let her have it until her heart rate went down. I was very high, and the medication was not bringing it down. I knew she had a blood clot in her arm, and knew if it travelled to the lung, it could cause the rapid heart rate. The nurses said it couldn't be that, because she was on blood thinners. Well eventually it dropped, all the way to zero, and she was code blue, probably because of a blood clot. They weren't able to keep her heart going. Ironically, The summer before she got sick, she told me she would not live to be 25, and she was right. she told several people that. I told her not to say that. Less than 6 months later, she was gone.

Her 2 yr anniversary is in about 2 wks. I never thought I'd survive, and some days it just feels like I exist, but I try to keep going for my 18 yr old daughter. I also have 3 step kids, and 5 step grand kids. I also thank the other parents here who've helped me just by being here.

Today, my husband called and said "Guess where the cat is?" And the proceeded to tell me she was on Ashley! The ca was sitting on her urn! It was probably just coincidence, but I'd like to think that could feel her presence. Weird, I know...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Deana]

When can I stop being strong? : (

[Kenn]

Hi Deana,

You can't stop being strong ever. Strong is who you are, so you will remain strong. However if you were someone like me, you could be weak. I'm just a worm, a mouse, a gnat. I view things as they are, so this is our reality.

I hope you know that I'm just trying to make you smile. For me I stopped trying to be strong the moment I accepted my daughters death and the situation as being what it is. I'm not trying to be strong, I'm just being real. The truth is I do sometimes feel like a little mouse in a world that has brought me a lot of hurt. However I still have to be a dad, a husband and a friend to a lot of people that I love. I'll sacrifice having a mental breakdown for now and keep being strong because it is the right thing to do. I'll bet you that I will be the one who benefits most from being strong.

My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.

When can I stop being strong? : (

[mikesmum]

Depression Is Not a Sign of Weakness It Is a Sign That You Have Been Trying to Be Strong for Too Long

I think now is a good time. Sometimes energy is depleted just by breathing in and out, taking one small step at a time. So yes now is a good time to 'just be'. And believe me when I say, to just be or to just cry is so okay and more healing than fighting to stay 'strong'.

[Kenn]

There is a time for everything. A time to be strong, and a time to cry. When it comes to grieving, just getting through the day is a matter of being strong for some of us. Sometimes I hurt so bad I ache inside. I can be crying inside and the moment a friend comes by I put on the smile and act like everything is just great. My wife is the one person I'm able to open up to and share some of my feelings, but I don't do that often. Even when I post here you will see me making a joke from time to time, on a forum where there might not be a place for joking. The weird thing is, I'm not doing it to try to be strong. I'm just being me.

Isn't it strange how different we all are, and how differently we handle these situations. The loss of my daughter has changed me, and I know I am a better person from the lessons learned going through this awful tragedy. My mind is programmed to look at things as they are and take hold of the good that can come out of this. All the bad memories are burned into my mind and will always be a part of me. Knowing that nothing can ever hurt my daughter again gives me comfort. I have a reason for hope, and hope gives me a strength that passes all understanding. Looking beyond the tragedy to the good that I believe is ahead helps me to be strong without trying.

[ericasmom]

Kenn, I do agree, we are all so different though brought here under the same kinds of loss. Parents having to live beyond their Child. I do have hope, that we learn to always walk through our days as positively as we can, carrying the light of Eri with us, I think that even in the beginning of our grief over 8.5 years ago, I knew that Eri was not just poof, gone, she was an entity surrounding her family and friends, there was/is magic in her leaving but of course that does not take away the absolute horror of having lost her in this physical world. I miss her everyday, but I am not in that horrid pain. What I find so very odd still, and this holds true from teh night she was sturck by the train on July 8th, 2003, that time has become the most abstract concept to me. That since ERi died, I have 6 more great nieces and nephews, that I have lost 8 contemporaries, that it could possibly be that I am 55 now, and that any amount of years could have gone by at all as this loss could have been a week ago. So much of it is fresh and ingrained but I do know that I have worked hard to get to this place. This place that I live is much softer than those first months, and first 2 years, but the missing and the bittersweet remains and I would think that they always will. Life goes on as it is supposed to, but we are made different from our experiences in Loss. The greatest Loss. What we do with our lives is all new as well.

Trudi, love that saying, depression is not weakness, indeed it is not. It is a condition that reflects the utter pain and despair of a situation. I fully agree that we let it out, let the tears make salt rivers wherever you are, cleanse your aching hearts with these tears. There will be more tears, let the ones out that are right there.

Going to bed, I am hoping that everyone finds some deep sleep tonight, perhaps a good dream or visit.