Loss of an Adult Child

[michael watkins]

I really want to thank everyone on their comments about my Mikey and helping me to understand and come to grips with the results of his toxiology report. I want to believe i couldnt have prevented this but as a mom I feel like I dropped the ball I was always so overprotective of my son and i cant help but feeling like i could have did something how do i deal with the constant sound of him saying mom I cant breath mom I cant breath those were the last words my baby said before he went unconcious it hurts so bad that i could help him breath his last words haunts me all day every day and sends sharp pains through my chest.

[robyn]

It is so hard to come here after just a few days and read the posts of new ones to this site....I am so sorry you have had to find your way here but so glad that you have found the right place to help walk you through this most horrible journey of grief... I am Kathy and lost my daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD...she was just 26 and the light of my life, my best friend, my beautiful daughter..Too lose her so suddenly and unexpectedly is still beyond my comprehension but time has softend the pain, something I never thought would be possible...Time, lots of time to get to the place where you are able to smile, laugh, remember without crying, enjoy the sunshine and so many other things...BUT, the pain never really goes away and you will always have days when you are overcome with the pain of the loss but they do not come as often. I hope you will stay with all here, share all that you can and talk freely about whatever you want, there are no judgments here, just great people trying to survive the worst thing a parent can ever go through.

Robyn - Thank you so much for you for your information !! I never even heard of that....My grandson Tavian has asthma and now I will be much more cautious then I have been. I do have to say though that now I am a bit nervous - what if I miss something with him ?? Should I take him back to the doctor and ask more questions?? He is 9 years old and the son of my beautiful daughter Jessica....he was just 4 when she left us and we have full custody of him....I cannot bare the thought that I might miss something with him and his asthma...I will get the flowmeter as you suggested and keep my eyes wide open to anything I think might not be right....

It was good to see you here Leah and believe me I understand....not coming here and talking is something that I have been doing for some time and it is not that I do not want to, it is just that I cannot seem to find the words I want to say...I hear them in my head but my fingers can't seem to type them out....so I read and I cry and I pray for all here...

6 years ago today I did not know that I only had 23 days left with my Jessica....I remember how many times I suffered through the endless pain of asking "Why did I not know ?? I could have changed things if I had known, I could have saved my daughter !! " Well, I can now say that I am GLAD I did not know as I would have spent all of my time trying to find a way to save her, something I know was not possible. and I would have missed out on those last days with her, I would have missed all of the laughter, the I love you's, the hugs, the phone calls, so very many things I would not have now....PRECIOUS MEMORIES....I am so grateful for the beautiful, wonderful 26 years I had with her and I miss her every single day and yes my life has changed forever but I will live my life for my Jessica as I know she wants me too and I know that she is smiling at how wonderful her son Tavian is and knows that he will always remember his mommy becuz we will always talk of her and her love will always shine through no matter where we are or what we are doing...she is there with us...

Thank God for this wonderful site where we can speak without having to worry about hurting someone or making someone uncomfortable, where we do not have to make something that is SO HARD LOOK EASY, where we can say our childs name as much as we want and where we can take off our masks and be who we are....

To all indigos....know that you are always with me and though I do not mention each person here I keep you close to my heart, in my prayers and I am always just a keybord away....

Love, peace and Strength to all.....Kathy

My Jessica........I love you so very much..... (Pic made by a very special woman)

Kathy,

PLEASE don't live in fear. Being cautious is a good thing, but knowing that he is diagnosed is 90% of the battle. All that is required is "due diligence". Make sure he takes his maintenance meds and always has his inhaler with him. Stay current with his doctor and don't be afraid to ask "what's new"? Managing asthma is simpler than you think. But do get the peak flowmeter and keep an eye on it. As I said, it can tell you of an impending attack before he feels any symptoms. I have to say, the most important things we did in that work were not always the ventilators and the code work...it was the little things that PREVENTED needing the BIG things. The incentive spiros and the peak flowmeters. Maybe it's because they look like little plastic toys to some...

Also, please try to remember that you can't prevent every bad thing that happens- but sometimes, you can make it better.

Much love,

Robyn

[robyn]

I really want to thank everyone on their comments about my Mikey and helping me to understand and come to grips with the results of his toxiology report. I want to believe i couldnt have prevented this but as a mom I feel like I dropped the ball I was always so overprotective of my son and i cant help but feeling like i could have did something how do i deal with the constant sound of him saying mom I cant breath mom I cant breath those were the last words my baby said before he went unconcious it hurts so bad that i could help him breath his last words haunts me all day every day and sends sharp pains through my chest.

you aren't alone. I think it must be the most natural thing for any mother to think "what if I..", or "could I have...?". Guilt must be the most universal emotion for any who have lost a child. But don't let it eat you up. At some point, you will stop blaming yourself, and (also)at some point, you WILL find some peace. Bad things happen. All you have to do is watch the news. I find myself praying for families almost every night for children and young adults who have died needlessly, due to an accident, at the hands of another, or have gone missing. I always noted it before, and offered a brief "please be with them God", but since Chrissy is gone, I find I am shedding tears for them now, too.

We blame ourselves, and wonder how we could have changed the outcome, but the sad reality is, we probably could not. I could not have gotten through it- without going stark, raving crazy- if I had not had my faith. I remember telling my husband that I should have been with her more often, taken the kids off her hands so she could have more time to rest. My husband told me "If you gave Chrissy 30 seconds of your time, she STILL would have found something to fill it with!" Humans cannot live every moment afraid that something awful will happen. Life intrudes, and stuff needs to be done. That's just life.

Please be kinder to yourself. And please don't blame yourself.

With love,

Robyn

[shorty16]

Hello my pals

I want to tell you about something that made me smile yesterday. I heard a Great Horned Owl calling last night. I stood on our patio and listened to the calls. Really cool.

Thinking of you-all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Leah-I was glad to see you back and sorry to hear that you have been having such a hard time. I think of you often and hope that things are getting better for you and that you get to have some time for yourself to rest.

Kathy-Jessica was such a beautiful girl, love that picture of her. Six years, how can it be? Making something so hard look easy, that's pretty much what we do with the outside world, isn't it?I know next month will be hard and you have my heart.

Sherry-We've had a lot of cloudy weather too and strange weather all around. Too warm one day and freezing cold the next. I just haven't been able to post as much as before, feeling drained with the big days that come for me in January.

Dee-It sounds like they're trying to work you to a frazzle. I hope that you are doing okay.

Amy-You are on my mind too as February comes. Hugs

Susan-It is unbelievable how expensive final expenses are. I am with you, angry at God a lot of the time, and while I still believe in Him, I am afraid to trust anymore that things are going the way they are supposed to be. It all seems to have gone so wrong that I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a hard way to live. I love seeing Shannon's beautiful face when you post.

Robyn, Mikey's Mom, other new people (can't see back past the first page since I'm already replying!) I'm so sorry for your reason to be here, but glad you have found us. It has been 2 years Jan 13 since my son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house. I didn't find this place until about six months after and it has helped me find my way, although sometimes I still feel lost in the new world that I wake up in everyday. I know it would be a hundred times worse, though, if I didn't have the friendship and support of all of the wonderful people here. I haven't been coming to post as much lately, but try to keep up with everyone and read nearly every day. Some days no words will come, and other days, they won't stop. I hope that you find comfort and understanding here as I have.

[Maddy6]

I do not know all the answers, but I do know I will see you again.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I am sorry, Maddy. I will pray that God will protect him. Until you know more about his condition, I think it wise to limit his activity. Doctors aren't always right.

We found out yesterday that our youngest son has a heart condition. He is carrying a device that scans his heart for the next 60 days so they can learn more. He runs cross country and the cardiologist and her team do not recommend ever stopping a student from participating in sports because of possible risks. His condition has caused sudden death to athletes, but it is a low percentile. That being said, I am just beginning to get better again. I am only just beginning to be a mom that is focusing on her children and enjoying them and life without being zoned out in pain. Now I have this fear. Fear of losing a second child. Hurricane Katrina happened August 29, 2005. It seems that since that day, my life has been on a nightmare roller coaster. This is surreal, it seems every time I decide to trust and believe there is hope, there is a future without pain. Then something else happens. I do not want to succumb to this fear. But I am haunted with the fear, the loss of my daughter almost killed me and destroyed our happy family. Someone told me that I had to choose to be happy, to choose to move forward. It was good advice and tremendously helped me. However, within days of making decisions to help me to emotionally recover, I get this news. I do not know what to do. I am not in control and cannot protect my children. The loss of one child, and just the thought of the possible loss of another terrifies me.

Thank you for listening and understanding,

Maddy

[Susie_q512]

Maddy - You and your family have been through such trauma in the course of the last 6 1/2 years. Hurricane Katrina, the upheaval it caused, being isolated from friends and family, and then the loss of a child. Now you are facing a health crisis with your son. It stands to reason that you would experience extreme anxiety and panic. Fortunately, the doctors have found the problem with your son's heart before he became yet another statistic....another tragedy. My prayer is that the testing they are doing now will identify the problem and a plan of action to protect him can be established. We can't fight what we don't know exists, so maybe identifying the "enemy" (so to speak), will allow you to better fight and win this battle. I'll never understand why some people or families are required by God or the Universe to shoulder so much heartache. My husband was diagnosed with an incurable cancer in November 2008. That has caused emotional and financial devastation. I made the mistake of believing that God would not add anything else to me/us until after my husband passed.....had this false belief that I/we would only have to deal with one devastating life event at a time. I even thought that at some point after my husband passed, there would be a reprieve or "vacation" from major problems. I was blind-sided when Shannon was killed in a car accident on September 20, 2011. How could God or the Universe add that to me...to us...on top of battling the effects of a terminal illness and all that comes with it???? Wish I had the answers we are searching for....a little bit of magic that would bring understanding, peace, and maybe a break from all the negative we fight each day. Prayers for answers and treatment for your son.

[lorijosherrell]

I am sorry to hear about your son I will be praying for your answers, we had just moved to the New Orleans area when my son pasted, I wish I would have know how well his lung done being in this climate, the doctor always said that it would be a pulmonary issue that would cause his death, that is on reason I feel like I missed something hr was going so well here and out of the blue his kidneys failed. Anyway on a happier not I just revived a invitation to the southern eye banks zoo day. We donated patrons eyes when he past, and later learned that they had been transplanted and now another child can see. I am looking forward to the fair and the butterfly release

Junebug ( Lori)

[daveydow1]

Maddy------I'm sorry to hear of your sons's heart problems. Sending prayers for his health.

Dee ---take care of yourself.....I know that it can be diffficult to pack all the work

in, and to eat right and get enough rest when the job puts so many demands on you.

Hoping that things will ease up at school for you. We had over 2 inches of rain in the

past day or so. Flooding all around the area. We're ok, though, since we live on a hill,

but still some wetness in the basement.

Rhonda-----I know that you have had a very sad and rough time this month of Jan. It does take

a lot out of you when you are in that dark place. I, too, have been in a shadowy, blah state of

mind in the past couple of months. Nothing too bad, ....just a bit 'out of it'. I'm sure you are

feeling such intense sorrow as you come upon the angel day & birthdays that fall this time of

year for your family. When tragedy strikes, it is so hard to try to find some firm footing, and we

natrually question faith, and just about everything else, it seems. I hope that Westley will send

you a little sign, or that you have a little dream of him, so that you can feel the warmth of his

love through his beautiful spirit. Peace, friend.

WISHING PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[vivkib]

[vivkib]

[vivkib]

Uuuuggghhh! Can someone please flip the off switch for this emotional rollercoaster? I want off, I've had enough. How can we keep doing this day after day with no end in sight? I'm tired of pretending I'm happy, I'm tired of trying to be strong, I'm tired of hurting so much it's hard to breath, I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just want off this painful road.

[LostMyJess]

I feel exactly the same way! 12 1/2 weeks and I still cannot function, breathe - seriously don't see how it is possible to learn to live without my daughter. It was a senseless car crash....NEVER NEEDED TO HAPPEN! Driver walks away. The pain is excruciating.

[vivkib]

I feel exactly the same way! 12 1/2 weeks and I still cannot function, breathe - seriously don't see how it is possible to learn to live without my daughter. It was a senseless car crash....NEVER NEEDED TO HAPPEN! Driver walks away. The pain is excruciating.

I'm sorry for your loss. Sad part is I want so bad to have my normal life back and know there will never be the old normal again. New normal scares me.

[ericasmom]

Just heard about a new book by an author that lost his 38 year old daughter two years ago, he wrote about his family after she died suddenly, right after she died in a book entitled, MAKING TOAST, and now has written a book that shares the thoughts of life and grief two years later in a book called, Kayak Morning. This sound bite is an interview from PBS and I think it is very powerful, very strong for those hurting no matter where on your path, listen to this man.

http://www.pbs.org/newshour/art/blog/2012/01/conversation-roger-rosenblatts-kayak-morning.html

[LostMyJess]

Kevin's mom...I Am sorry for your loss....all of our losses on this site. It is so hard to believe that there are so many people who have either been where we are or ARE where we are - too many! I wish there was some magic wand someone could wave that could give us all our lives back, but it appears as though this is going to be a long, painful, surreal process to a "new normal", and I really don't know how I'm going to make it...and I'm sure most of us "newbies" are feeling much the same way.....I am hoping for some inspiration to just keep breathing, even though I do not want to.

[ericasmom]

Maddy, when will you find out more about your Boy? I am so sorry that you are dealing with this worry. We will all be sending positive energy your way, your Son's way as you begin to find ways for him to live strong.

Leah, so good to see you but sad that you are feeling so blue. I wish I could just kind of lift you out of your situation for a few days, give you a change of scenery and let you rest. I know that I cannot do this, but I sure do wish that you had some down time.

SHerry, I picture you on the little hill, watching the water roll down away from the house. Stay dry, we are supposed to get some snow tonight, we'll see.

[summergirl]

Maddy - I am so sorry to hear of another worry to deal with....I am not trying to scare you, I am only trying to make you aware so I must tell you that my Jessica passed from ARVD which is "Arrythmic Right Ventricular Displaysia" - also known as "sudden death" from a heart attack....Jessica began having chest pains when she was 16 and the doctor said she was playing to much sports and had pulled muscles in her chest.....she never experienced the pain again until she was 18 and called me at work crying it hurt so bad, I took her to the emergency room and they told me she had experienced a "slight heart attack" (whatever that means) and they put her in ICU and the next day was sent to a heart hopsital named St. Francis, she spent 5 days there having every test you could possibly imagine and all they found was that the muscles around her heart were a bit weak but NOTHING THAT WOULD EFFECT HER LIFE.....the final conclusion from numerous "specialist" was that she had "some type of virus that would go dormant and then come back and attack the heart" - we were told to let her live her life, she was fine and to just take her to the specialist once a year for a check up !!! After Jessica passed and we received the autopsy report I called her heart specialist and told him about Jessica, (he said he was SORRY) and then he told me that we must have Tavian (her son) tested for ARVD.....REALLY !! THERE IS A TEST FOR THIS !!! We took him and they did a cat scan of his heart that actually shows the "inside" of the heart......(he is fine but must go back once a year to just to be sure) What happened with Jessica is that right inner wall of her heart was paper thin so the left inner wall was working double time to compensate for the weakness in the right wall... until the time came when it just couldn't do it anymore. Please do not let this freak you out as I am not telling you this to scare you but to let you know that you shoud please speak to the heart specialist about ARVD and ask that your son be tested right away. I am praying and please keep us informed, many hugs and prayers.......You can also look it up on the internet and get alot more info......

To the "newbies" - my heart is breaking for you as you see no future for yourselves and believe me those of us who have traveled this journey for what seems like forever at times know exactly how you feel......When we lost Jessica I actually felt like I had went crazy, I just knew there was no way I was ever going to survive, no way I would ever laugh again, live again....I could not even think about the future as I was going minute to minute just trying to breathe.....I could not sit still, I painted every room in the house, pulled out the carpet and bought new, put new floors in the kitchen and dining room, all of this as we were going to court fighting for custody of Tavian. I read every law I could find on custody. I kept myself busy constantly as I thought if I just kept moving then it wasn't real, if I stopped moving I would surely just curl up and die --- and then the day came when there was not one more inch of the house I could change, we were done with court, we won custody, and suddenly I had nothing to do and the grief took hold of me and wrapped around me, the panic attacks started, the endless crying and the realization that my Jessica was really gone, she was not on vacation, she was not in some foreign country where she could not get in touch with me, she was not playing a joke on me, she was really gone....I do not and cannot tell you when the day came that I began to live again, I wish I could give you a time line but there is none...it is different for all BUT it is there...Yes I now call this life I live "life after Jessica" becuz my "life with Jessica" is no more but she LIVES in my heart, she lives in her son, she lives in the sunshine, the flowers, she lives because I choose to keep her alive even though she is not here in the flesh she is here. So after my long winded post I want you to know that you will live again so don't give up on yourself, take baby steps, you may go forward 3 steps and fall back 5 steps but you will get there....None of us here are giving up on you just like they did not give up on me and I am thankful every day that I found this site.....God Bless you and hugs...

I love you all, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Kathy - Well written...well said.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Thank you for the link. Both books are now on my Kindle.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Wow, Kathy! I can really relate to some of the things you did to maintain your sanity, as I have also researched many many hours on the subject, in my case, of pedestrian deaths, and traffic law, and case studies, and civil matters regarding same; and if not that, then working with the art program on my computer to create my Jared in the "heavens", which gives me comfort, and the house? Not so much, but I have made plans for things I want to do. Thrown myself right back into the Football program for yet another year as their president; and the list goes on.

Some mornings, mostly mornings, I wake up and try to start work on a website or on a computer that I am fixing, and I just have to stop and cry for a while. I go and go and go, then suddenly I can't go.

I am still making phone calls and doing what I can to change our speed limit here on the road where Jared was killed, and that has been extremely frustrating, but I am not giving up!

The police investigation is still ongoing. Talked briefly with their grief counselor today.... not much help.... she stated the obvious "you do know that no matter how the criminal case turns out, it won't bring your son back, don't you?" OMG, please tell me something I don't already know!!

Ok , their logic then.... because it won't bring him back I should:

1. not worry about the speed limit

2. not worry about drivers that are inattentive being held accountable

3. not think of my child as a dog or cat that has been hit in the street and nothing done about...

4. not ask any questions of anyone in authority

5. go get my mail from the mailbox on the road without having passing traffic triggering my thoughts of him being hit at 50mph

6. not worry about bills coming in from the emergency room stating all the things they did to my child's body AFTER he was dead so that they could make $$

7. not talk about his death and not post pictures everywhere because I need to see him

8. not get angry and yell at people that say they "understand how I feel"

9. have to be made to listen to people's trivial complaints while inside I feel like I am dying

10. go get some counseling and get over it already.

REALLY???

To the "newbies" - my heart is breaking for you as you see no future for yourselves and believe me those of us who have traveled this journey for what seems like forever at times know exactly how you feel......When we lost Jessica I actually felt like I had went crazy, I just knew there was no way I was ever going to survive, no way I would ever laugh again, live again....I could not even think about the future as I was going minute to minute just trying to breathe.....I could not sit still, I painted every room in the house, pulled out the carpet and bought new, put new floors in the kitchen and dining room, all of this as we were going to court fighting for custody of Tavian. I read every law I could find on custody. I kept myself busy constantly as I thought if I just kept moving then it wasn't real, if I stopped moving I would surely just curl up and die --- and then the day came when there was not one more inch of the house I could change, we were done with court, we won custody, and suddenly I had nothing to do and the grief took hold of me and wrapped around me, the panic attacks started, the endless crying and the realization that my Jessica was really gone, she was not on vacation, she was not in some foreign country where she could not get in touch with me, she was not playing a joke on me, she was really gone....I do not and cannot tell you when the day came that I began to live again, I wish I could give you a time line but there is none...it is different for all BUT it is there...Yes I now call this life I live "life after Jessica" becuz my "life with Jessica" is no more but she LIVES in my heart, she lives in her son, she lives in the sunshine, the flowers, she lives because I choose to keep her alive even though she is not here in the flesh she is here. So after my long winded post I want you to know that you will live again so don't give up on yourself, take baby steps, you may go forward 3 steps and fall back 5 steps but you will get there....None of us here are giving up on you just like they did not give up on me and I am thankful every day that I found this site.....God Bless you and hugs...

I love you all, Kathy

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Maddy6]

Everyone misses you and loves you.

[Maddy6]

1327687184' post='83253']

Maddy - You and your family have been through such trauma in the course of the last 6 1/2 years. Hurricane Katrina, the upheaval it caused, being isolated from friends and family, and then the loss of a child. Now you are facing a health crisis with your son. It stands to reason that you would experience extreme anxiety and panic. Fortunately, the doctors have found the problem with your son's heart before he became yet another statistic....another tragedy. My prayer is that the testing they are doing now will identify the problem and a plan of action to protect him can be established. We can't fight what we don't know exists, so maybe identifying the "enemy" (so to speak), will allow you to better fight and win this battle. I'll never understand why some people or families are required by God or the Universe to shoulder so much heartache. My husband was diagnosed with an incurable cancer in November 2008. That has caused emotional and financial devastation. I made the mistake of believing that God would not add anything else to me/us until after my husband passed.....had this false belief that I/we would only have to deal with one devastating life event at a time. I even thought that at some point after my husband passed, there would be a reprieve or "vacation" from major problems. I was blind-sided when Shannon was killed in a car accident on September 20, 2011. How could God or the Universe add that to me...to us...on top of battling the effects of a terminal illness and all that comes with it???? Wish I had the answers we are searching for....a little bit of magic that would bring understanding, peace, and maybe a break from all the negative we fight each day. Prayers for answers and treatment for your son.

Susan, thank you or your concern and wise words. Shannon's picture is so beautiful. I have thought on what you told me today. How your husband is terminally Ill and you lost your daughter. I am realizing I have to begin living again for the sake of my boys. I am realizing that they need me and I am to promised tomorrow for any of us. Than you so much for your understanding. My heart goes out to you. You are oing through so much. You and your family will be in my prayers

[Maddy6]

J

[Susie_q512]

Uuuuggghhh! Can someone please flip the off switch for this emotional rollercoaster? I want off, I've had enough. How can we keep doing this day after day with no end in sight? I'm tired of pretending I'm happy, I'm tired of trying to be strong, I'm tired of hurting so much it's hard to breath, I'm tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just want off this painful road.

Wish there was a way to stop the madness that we go through. Grief is an entity with a life and mind of its own. It will take us and do as it wills with us. We are powerless against it. It's okay to not be okay. Your heart and world has been shattered, so no need to pretend to be happy when the reality is that you are broken and desperate for your child. I think it was Susannah who once stated that grief must be respected.....she was absolutely right. We wrestle and fight against it, but still it wins. Our logic understands what has happened, yet our hearts resist that truth. Eventually that truth begins to penetrate our hearts, regardless of the defenses we have set up....and it hurts worse than any of us could have ever imagined....who could have imagined pain so intense that we would want to die, that we would shake in fear of it? Dee has often said that there is no way around grief...only through it. It's torment, but still unavoidable. Allow yourself to grieve for your child. Respect those emotions that throw you around like a rag doll. We know it hurts to breathe when very cell in your body is screaming for your child. More often than not, we cannot face one day at a time. We have to break it down into smaller spaces of time....literally one moment at at time. Everyone here knows so well what it's like to feel as though you cannot survive one more second of the torment. Sometimes all we can do it breathe one painful breath at a time. Hold on, my friend. We're here for you. You're not alone.

[Susie_q512]

Becky - My heart aches for you as you struggle to bring about some positive change in the face of so great a loss. The lack of compassion and consideration being shown to you by law enforcement and the road department angers me.....you really aren't asking too much from them. And the counselor stating the obvious.....does she think you are delusional rather than a mom grieving and fighting for her son? You're taking on so much,so don't forget to allow yourself to grieve and give your mind and body some rest (if that's possible.)

Diane & Carol - Y'all okay??

It's after 2 in the morning....too pooped to write anything else. Think about you all during the day, and there are many other's I wonder about. Maybe I can reach out to the others tomorrow.

Peace and love to all.

[Sabs]

Thanks Dee, he is an excellent speaker, Im definitely going to try and get his books. Sabs.

Just heard about a new book by an author that lost his 38 year old daughter two years ago, he wrote about his family after she died suddenly, right after she died in a book entitled, MAKING TOAST, and now has written a book that shares the thoughts of life and grief two years later in a book called, Kayak Morning. This sound bite is an interview from PBS and I think it is very powerful, very strong for those hurting no matter where on your path, listen to this man.

http://www.pbs.org/n...ak-morning.html

[Sabs]

Thanks Dee, he is an excellent speaker, Im definitely going to try and get his books. Sabs.

Just heard about a new book by an author that lost his 38 year old daughter two years ago, he wrote about his family after she died suddenly, right after she died in a book entitled, MAKING TOAST, and now has written a book that shares the thoughts of life and grief two years later in a book called, Kayak Morning. This sound bite is an interview from PBS and I think it is very powerful, very strong for those hurting no matter where on your path, listen to this man.

http://www.pbs.org/n...ak-morning.html

[Sabs]

Hi Kathy, Thank you for your post which I thought was definitely not long winded, I can't read enough about how you all feel, its what helps me survive now. I feel like screaming at people who don't know, because they can't know what it feels like. I want to tell them, but it almost sounds like you are making it up or exaggerating because its so so terrible. When they say are you ok - I want to scream at the top of my voice, just howl, rip at my hair and clothes, fall on my knees, crying screaming howling and claw at the ground -beat at my chest and rip my heart out - to try and give a visual sense of how not ok I am and how much it hurts. I've thought of taking the way the pain has been described here and putting it all together, so that the next time some one asks, how are you, are you feeling any better, I can just hand them some well written statements of just how it bloody well feels - and walk away. So thank you Kathy and every one, for writing how it feels, so myself and all of us her know - its ok, its this new normal and that there are people who know only full well what this horrible horrible horrible unbelievable and unthinkable journey and life feels like and more importantly that its not like the FLU - you don't start to feel better because a month or two has passed !.

Sabs.

To the "newbies" - my heart is breaking for you as you see no future for yourselves and believe me those of us who have traveled this journey for what seems like forever at times know exactly how you feel......When we lost Jessica I actually felt like I had went crazy, I just knew there was no way I was ever going to survive, no way I would ever laugh again, live again....I could not even think about the future as I was going minute to minute just trying to breathe.....I could not sit still, I painted every room in the house, pulled out the carpet and bought new, put new floors in the kitchen and dining room, all of this as we were going to court fighting for custody of Tavian. I read every law I could find on custody. I kept myself busy constantly as I thought if I just kept moving then it wasn't real, if I stopped moving I would surely just curl up and die --- and then the day came when there was not one more inch of the house I could change, we were done with court, we won custody, and suddenly I had nothing to do and the grief took hold of me and wrapped around me, the panic attacks started, the endless crying and the realization that my Jessica was really gone, she was not on vacation, she was not in some foreign country where she could not get in touch with me, she was not playing a joke on me, she was really gone....I do not and cannot tell you when the day came that I began to live again, I wish I could give you a time line but there is none...it is different for all BUT it is there...Yes I now call this life I live "life after Jessica" becuz my "life with Jessica" is no more but she LIVES in my heart, she lives in her son, she lives in the sunshine, the flowers, she lives because I choose to keep her alive even though she is not here in the flesh she is here. So after my long winded post I want you to know that you will live again so don't give up on yourself, take baby steps, you may go forward 3 steps and fall back 5 steps but you will get there....None of us here are giving up on you just like they did not give up on me and I am thankful every day that I found this site.....God Bless you and hugs...

I love you all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Good Morning All,

I feel badly that with my recent extra busy times at school, I have not been able to get to know many of you new to this place. Usually I pipe in more often and come to know our newbies through the stories told. Just know that I am holding you all, a collection of new travelers, your names are not straight yet, but your ache is clear and I am holding your hands knowing how the hands that reached mine so many years ago, were such buoys to my life. I knew when I came here that others were completely sure of how I was feeling and while we hate to think that anyone else has to know...this is how it is and having others confirm that this new normal has stages and steps that render us feeling absolutely hopeless at times, crazy at others, is beyond helpful. Grief is a process and as you take each day as best you can, remember that anything this hard is a long process, be kind to yourselves, and when you simply do not want to spend the energy pretending for those around you, don't. Tell them when they ask how are you? I am not fine, not well, not happy, and I don't know when I will be, but I hope that I will be. That is honest and it is cleansing, and if they don't get it, it's on them.

[vivkib]

Thank you all for the kind words and understanding. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It was the 4month mark of Kevin's passing. My birthday comes next month and knowing I won't be getting that yearly call and loving words from him is hard. Then in March it''s another "first" being his 29th Birthday. I just don't know how to get through it. I know I will but I just don't want to, don't want to have to. I miss him so much and can't believe he's gone. I wan't to make sense out of it but know it can't be done, there is no sense in my son being taken from me. They say there is no way to decribe the joy of becoming a mom, the feelings of love (and sometimes anger) we feel for our children and unless you go through it you just don't know. It's true.Now to have to go through this unbearable pain of lossing that same child, well, it's just the opposite, and again nobody can't even put words to how it hurts unless it's happened to them. I'm SO sorry it's happened to all of us here, but thank you for being here.

[ericasmom]

Kevin's Mom, those monthly markers do take their toll. It is the way we marked our child's age when first born, two months, four months, and on until they were about 24 months and then we began to say, he's 2years old. To return to using those monthly markers connects us to the most joyous times in our lives and yet we are in the depths of the worst times of our lives. Hang on please, i do know that you would like to turn it all off, make it stop, but it is still today, and we can't rush time nor healing. I know when I say healing, many might think that that is impossible, but later on in your grief, you will begin to see ways to aid yourself in feeling more alive again, and that is part of healing. I know that our /Children would not want us to ever feel guilty for healing, knowing that the loss of them is just under our eyelids, just within our fingertips, it becomes enmeshed into us and we learn to live with it as a piece of us. It does not mean that we accept that our young adults died as in, it is okay, it means that we accept that our lives have been altered because our Child died as in, we realize they are gone. As I have said many times here, so forgive if you have read it many times, that each time a new group arrives here I feel compelled to say that the first months of loss of our child find us dealing in a fog of shock, as the shock wears away we find ourselves hurting anew, as though we are raw again, and it goes like that for many of us that first half year or year. Shock is layered in our grief, protecting us, (though it may not feel like it) and helping us get from the beginning of our sad journey through some of the trials and hardships of going back to work, dealing with our other children, finding our way through the dark long nights.

If ever you feel you are not strong, please go look in the mirror and see the woman/man, looking back at you. A person who is facing the loss that we have all faced and is still standing, still operating on some level, is indeed strong.

[Deana]

Dee - Thank you for all your kindeness. You have great wisdom. Sadly it comes from an experience none of us have prepared for. Your talk about markers hit the nail on the head for me today. I was just wondering this am, when does the counting stop. Tomorrow is 8 weeks for me. But you are right. We spent the first year of their life counting weeks, months, and then finally years. So I guess it is going to be a long process. But I apprecieate you pointing that out. Bless You!

For those of you who "knew" that they would not have their children long. I understand. When my oldest was around 10 I started having horrble panic attacks. I knew in my mind that I would one day loose a child. I did not know which one of my 3 boys, but deep in my heart I knew.I always thought it would be my oldest, as he was a rebel in many ways. I never thought it would be Jared. Jared loved life and everyone in it, he always was the safe one, and always followed the law. About a week after Jared's accident, I realized I no longer woke up with that fear.

I had 2 rules in my house, no motorcycles and no guns. I sometimes wonder if I would have let him have a motorcycle, maybe he wouldn't have felt the need to be on one that night and going so fast. I know this is a useless thought, but it is there.

I go to bed each night thankful for this sight. I pray for all those who are strong and those who are new to this horrible fact of life.

HUGS to all the Angel Mommy"s and Daddy"s!

[ericasmom]

Deana, I don't know about great wisdom, but just more time on this road to ponder and come to terms with the way life unfolds and the processes we find ourselves working through. Eri died 8.5 years ago, I raged and felt desperate at times in those early months, struggled with sleep, with deep sadness, with guilt as well, but I have never felt disappointed in my belief system, did not get mad at God because I have never felt that God's job was to make sure of everyone. If he/she could, there would be no hunger nor wars, nor natural disasters...because of that, I have not asked why Erica? I did and still do ask, how should we go forth? How best can we live our lives shining her light? What can I do to make sure that others understand how dear this day is because it is the day we are in? And so I still cry, I listen to music that brings her right to my day, invoking her to help me do my best, I speak to her and of her each day which makes me feel good, and I feel thankful for having her to love.

[ericasmom]

Deana, forgot to say what a handsome photo of Jared you posted. Is that you with him?

[Maddy6]

Jellybean, you will be missed forever.

[ericasmom]

Maddy, I think it is second nature now to second guess everything. I am so much more worried about things and yet my hope is to bring myself out of it and try to be more present in this day. Are the doctors Carson is dealing with heart specialists? I guess I would make sure that he has had time with a specialist, not that they know everything, but if they gave him the go ahead, I would have to let him go do those things that make him happy within those guidelines of the doctors.

Yes, coming to this site in the middle of the night was a real life saver for me in the earlier days of my grief. To know that you can write your worries to someone out there and know you will be heard by folks that get it...priceless.

A bit of snow in the air right now, I have a lot of school work to do, but I will check in later.

[Deana]

Yes Dee that is me with Jared several years ago.[

Deana, forgot to say what a handsome photo of Jared you posted. Is that you with him?

[Susie_q512]

Very depressed today. Much I need to be working on, but no energy or motivation. Late last night I went for a drive. Spent that time raging at God. Questioning what I had done in my lifetime that was so horrible that I would be punished so? (It feels sometimes like heavy handed punishment.) Questioning why not just take me? Why take Shannon? Aside from the pain, I feel dead inside. I look into a future that I do not want. I feel guilt when I consider that one day, somewhere down this road, I will laugh again....I might actually feel a little happiness....the beauty and wonder of life may be acknowledged again....and then I think, how can this be? How can anything ever be good again without Shannon here with me, sharing it with me? The thought of anything positive in the future seems like a betrayal of her. All I want is to be left alone....let all the happy people with their happy lives and future go about living, but let them do it away from me. Wish I could sleep...the good, deep sleep where you don't even realize you are still existing. No thoughts. No feelings. No awareness. Most know that my husband is battling an incurable cancer. That adds more strain to this "grieving" process. But, we also have a badly broken marriage which complicates things even more. He's pressuring me to work on rebuilding the marriage. Sounds good. Sounds logical....but I do not have the energy to care about a broken marriage, nor do I have the emotional strength to fight that battle. He's very angry at me right now. I keep wondering how he can care about anything other than the fact that Shannon is dead? We've only just past the 4 month mark, and he started pressuring me about the marriage about 2 weeks after her passing. I just do not have it in me to care or fight, and it's not born of ill-will, it simply isn't there.....like I said, aside from the pain, I feel dead inside. I want to fall asleep and sink into that deep abyss of nothingness for a long while.....take a break from all the pain and demands that are overwhelming me at this moment. More than anything, I want my daughter back.....I want the re-do.

[shorty16]

Morning my Friends

My sister and her huge dog, Macy along with Scott, our dog Copper and I watched 50/50 last night (our 3 cats were nowhere to be found). The movie was about a 26 year old man who is diagnosed with spinal cancer.

The story is well told and ends with a successful surgery. I know many on here did not end that way. At the end of the movie, I said a prayer for my friends on this site and beyond whose children are angels because of cancer.

The movie was well told and had much humor.

I made a taco/burrito bar and fed about 6 people last night. The whole night made me smile.

I Hope you-all can find something to smile about today.

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[shorty16]

Susan said - "I look into a future I do not want."

WOW, that was so true for me too. For me, I felt that way for quite a while until my kids started having birthdays and friends started having their own accomplishments to recognize. It was then I knew the future was coming whether I wanted it to or not.

Looking toward the future is still something I try not to do, but sometimes it does help to plan and minimize our stress.

Susan - it takes a while to work through this in our heads, but I have no dought you will accomplish this task - Just give yourself ALOT of time.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Sabs

For the first year or so after Brian's death when people would ask the dreaded question "How are you doing?"

Sometimes my response was "I am standing upright and breathing - that makes this a good day."

I did not always feel this way, but most times, yes.

Hang on my friend - The visual I had when reading your physically describtion of how you feel, really made me smile - great job putting the actions to writting!!!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[ericasmom]

Susan, your pain is palpable, and I do remember the hope of feeling numbed by sleep, it is a temporary cave in which to hide.

Your husband wants to work on the marriage and as you pointed out, the marriage is broken, has been for some time, his railing against Shannon did not help. I would hope that if you want to work on this with him it is with the stipulation that it is under the guidance of a therapist only, that you only believe it is doable with that professional who is not connected to the family in any way directs the family toward healing. It could be he is feeling his time shortening and hopes to leave with the sense of being loved, but this is not your responsibility, though I am sure you are conflicted. He has done some cruel things along with his family, so again, I would put this stipulation on it. Therapy may end up showing him how off base he has been and may give you and Ragen what you need in this grieving process. I wish you strength to take good care of yourself.

[Maddy6]

You are in eternal bliss, I am happy for you. You do not ever have to endure the trials of this world. I love you forever and I am happy for you, but I will miss you forever.

[dwsmithrn]

hi to everyone here...i am so sorry to all the newbies and i can so feel your pain. i just passed nathan's first birthday in heaven (jan 19th) he would be 33, and his first angelversary (jan 21st)....i think the worst was his birthday. it was by far harder to face than the angelversary. i was so used to picking out his card and gift, mailing it or going to the beach to see him on his birthday, or calling him and hearing his happy voice. the very last time i talked to him was on his birthday...the very last time i actually heard his voice. i think i have been a mess since that very day. thought i had been doing some 'better', whatever that means, until the 19th. then, i began to fall apart again. how my heart aches again.

i am sick of hearing...'he's happy and no longer in pain'...'you should be happy not sad to know he is with god now'.....'he would want you to move on'...and so on and so on...how the hell do they know what he would want or say???? they don't know!!! and how do they know what i should or shouldn't feel? they are not here, in my shoes....i am so tired, so weary, so sad, so tired of putting on the happy face for everyone else. it wears me out. i am tired. i am just tired.

i want to feel better, i do, but i miss him and my heart still hurts. and my heart and my head and my soul are still at war and still, no one is winning the battle. will i ever get on an even keel again? 'cause i don't feel like it now.

i had a dream about nathan a few nights ago and it really felt so real i can't forget a single detail. haven't had a dream like this ever.

nathan was sitting on a ledge on top of a building...just regular ole nathan, in his shorts, t-shirt and sandals. same ole nathan, nothing different about him. smile on his face. lee was working and had just gotten out of his cruiser....looked like he was looking for a suspect or something. another police officer pulled up beside him and stepped out of his car, opened his door and they were both standing there behind their open doors with their guns pulled out but not pointed anywhere but down to the ground and they were both looking around. then i heard this shot....then, nathan jumped down, what seemed like slow motion, but it didn't seem like a long jump like you would think from the top of a building. it was as if he had just jumped off a brick wall in front of a house or something, but he was on top of a building in my dream. when he jumped down, he put his hand on lee's shoulder, squeezed it firmly, then he was gone. lee never turned around, like he didn't even feel it. i don't know why i could see all of this, i wasn't even there. but somehow, i awoke and felt comfort from this dream. i didn't even cry...i felt like nathan was trying to tell me he was watching over lee and he would be ok. i fell back asleep and then yesterday everything hit me like a blow to the head. i had a really bad, tearful day all day long. it usually hits me on fridays, but my friend kept me pretty busy on friday and it was a pretty good day. but saturday was a pretty awful day. although, i am so grateful for anything i can get from nathan, and that was pretty awesome.

i still have to tell people i am 'ok' so they will just leave me alone. i don't want to go into detail about how i am 'doing' because they really don't want to know in reality. they are just being polite. i stay at home a lot of the time, but when i have to get out, i do. i can now do it by myself, though, and that is progress. i do see more and more that i am better than in the beginning. but, it is a very slow process. some days, i still stay in bed, because i just don't want to face another day without my precious son. why my precious son? just why?

so, i will leave you now. i know you are so weary of hearing me always down and out and i know so many of you carry the same burdens as i do, and i am sorry to be such a downer when i come here.

i think of all of you often and my heart goes out to all of you ....sometimes there are no words that can take the pain away, but know that you are thought about each and every day. love, diane

[Jilly's mom]

Hi all, new to this site...Sad that we all experience a common bond, relieved that there are others who understand our journey. I am 10 weeks and one day out from losing our daughter Jillian in a car accident. I still feel numb most of the time. I am trying to make a concious decison to have one moment each day that I can only focus on something I am grateful for. What's left of our family of (now) 4, is a variety of feelings, different stages of grief,numbness and sadness. I have had Seasonal Affective disorder for years....and been on an anti depressant in the winter for it. For some odd reason, I dont seem to need it this year. I am afraid to further numb myself. I know when this wears off (I have had sneak peeks of that) the pain is awful. For now, I guess I am grateful for the numbness.

Louise (Jilly's mom)

[mom24]

Does anyone feel like thier whole life is just falling apart??? Our family is dealing as best we can, but anything that can go wrong, is going wrong. I feel like I am under attack. Most days I just pray-- God help me. I won't go into detail because I truly will sound like a Jerry Springer show candidate-- and that is not me or my family. But we are just falling apart here in every way.... I surrender god.