Loss of an Adult Child

[mom24]

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in awhile but have tried to keep up on the posts. Hate to see the new names here, but glad you have found this site. I have an incredibly dumb question.... I cant get my pictures to post, has anyone else had this problem? It says my file is too large and wont resize my pixels... Anyway, I want to show all of you my gorgeous son , but cant figure it out. Any advice?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Click reply at the bottom of any post, or add reply, and at the bottom use the browse button to find the image file on your computer, then click on the blue box that says "attach this file", when you see your file at the bottom of the post, then put your mouse cursor in the post where you want the picture to display, then go back to the bottom and click the "add to post" on the right bottom of the screen, then further down on the page click on "Add Reply" and wait a minute until you see your post.

Here is my gorgeous boy's pic...

Hi everyone. I haven't posted in awhile but have tried to keep up on the posts. Hate to see the new names here, but glad you have found this site. I have an incredibly dumb question.... I cant get my pictures to post, has anyone else had this problem? It says my file is too large and wont resize my pixels... Anyway, I want to show all of you my gorgeous son , but cant figure it out. Any advice?

[robyn]

Dee, is that the key? When the guilt ends? How can the guilt end, when the truth is, I am guilty? How does the guilt ever end when the truth is that I failed one of the most important people in my life? Then, to compound matters, I wigged out for the last four years and abandoned my other children emotionally. They not only lost their sister, they lost their mom too. How do I face life any longer knowing I have failed my children so enormously? I am trying now to move forward for my children's sake. How does one live when life no longer holds joy?we used to be a happy family and have fun. My children see through the facade. They know my heart is broken. They know I have ceased to live on the inside. They know I have abandoned them.

I truly for so long had a longing to possibly get a disease and die. I realize now my selfishness. I realize I need to be courageous when I am not. I also realize I have to forgive myself for being a failure as a parent. I realize that if I do not forgive myself and move on, my children are left without a mother. I do not deserve my own forgiveness. But my children deserve to have a mother again. A mother who wants to live and enjoy them.My daughter died in 2007. Why has it taken me so long to even attempt to move forward? Also, why do people treat you like life is normal and act like yhe world goes on? Don't they realize? Don't they understand? Isn't there any compassion for someone who is mourning the greatest possible loss?Also, is there some special reward for us in eternity for suffering like this? The one that gets me the angriest is when people compare your loss to theirs and then tell you they completely understand. They say they lost their parent, or had a miscarriage.......I have lost both parents and had two miscarriages. That pain was minuscule compared to my level of suffering now. It makes me so angry. I want to say "how dare you!" how dare you trivialize my daughter's life by comparing her to a child who was never born! How dare you trivialze her life by comparing her to the death of your parents whom you knew would in all likelihood die one day die before you, and you were emotionally prepared from a young age to accept the death of someone who had lived their life. To all the people who lacked compassion, I hate you. To the teacher who would not give my son more time on an assignment. His sister had died only 3 weeks prior. His lowered grade caused him to not be able to play football, the only positive thing he could hold onto at the time. Yet, Mr. 35 year old teacher, you ask me to convey to my 16 year old son that "you understand cause your father died last year!" To the counselor who dropped the ball and was too busy to help when I repeatedly asked, when I could not function. Who told me the athletics department was aware of my son's situation, yet I find out Year later they were not. I hate you. I hate you for being in a job taking up space and a paycheck, receiving the glory to yourself of being a counselor and a caring person. You were not. Your failure harmed my son. He lost his dream of participating in high school sports cause he couldn't even focus on his studies. Oh, of course we wouldn't want to give a kid a break! He needs to learn responsibility in the face of tragedy! I hate all of you and I pray the pain you caused my child will come backto you for your lack of compassion on a kid. You didn't help when you could have. I do not understand why people think life goes on as normal when you suffer the tragedy we did? Why does this world lack compassion?

Maddy,

My heart broke for you as I read this post. During the few days between my daughter's death and her memorial service, so many people came by, called, or emailed wanting to help. All ended the conversation with "if there is anything I can do"... My husband began to get angry at that and would ask me "WHat is it they think they can "do"? How about they bring my baby girl back?!" I can only say to you what I said to him: there are so many who can only too readily relate to us. They have husbands, wives, children, and if we can lose someone so dear, so can they and it's possible they never really thought about it until our situation hit them between the eyes. So often, people don't know WHAT to say or do, and too often, only end up making it worse. I honestly don't think they mean to. Someone like a teacher with 150 students a day, or a doctor with so many patients he can't remember all the names, don't mean to be unfeeling- they're just being humans. None of us get it right all the time.

Over the years, I have had the opportunity to see how life just keeps moving on after someone dies. I worked as a respiratory therapist for 32 years, and as such, was part of the code team. I saw some horrendous losses. Yet after the code was over, I had to leave, see other patients. The news is full of stories of awful deaths, and you find yourself offering a prayer for the families, and still the news moves ahead to the next story. Life doesn't stop for us, either. We still have others who need us, even when all we want to do is curl up in a fetal position in bed, cry, or die ourselves. We have to keep moving.

I pray that you will forgive yourself. We moms are a strange breed. We come to define our lives and ourselves by our children. But I don't know a single one who would do it differently. Unfortunately, when something goes wrong, it also means we blame ourselves. What you did when you lost your child is mourn for her, and you did it the only way that made sense to you at the time. It's what happens now that counts, and you and your sons have all suffered a tremendous loss. But it is something you share and it is also something that can draw you closer. Don't be afraid to lean on each other. You can be a great support system for each other. Please be kind to yourself.

People love you and are praying for you. You can know that with absolute assurance.

2 months, 2 days

[summergirl]

I miss you all and i love you all....kathy

[robyn]

Click reply at the bottom of any post, or add reply, and at the bottom use the browse button to find the image file on your computer, then click on the blue box that says "attach this file", when you see your file at the bottom of the post, then put your mouse cursor in the post where you want the picture to display, then go back to the bottom and click the "add to post" on the right bottom of the screen, then further down on the page click on "Add Reply" and wait a minute until you see your post.

Here is my gorgeous boy's pic...

Becky, he is a beautiful boy indeed!

[lorijosherrell]

It has been 6 months since my son pasted, and it feels like forever. He was not even supost to live. He was. Born with cp so my life for 13 yrs has been him, doc appointments and keeping all of his needs up. Now all I feel is the overwhelming feeling that it is my fault, I missed seeing something that would have changed all this. So now between the crying, sleeping, and just being irritable all the time, my family suffers. I'm at my husband's throat mist of the time, and my other kids just want mom back and for this cranky women to go away. I am in desperate need of figuring out who I am now and finding my way again

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Welcome Junebug 78! Glad you found your way to this list, as I am sure there are those, including myself, that want to hear all about your son, and to help you through this journey.

Thanks, Robyn!

Becky, he is a beautiful boy indeed!

[lorijosherrell]

Welcome Junebug 78! Glad you found your way to this list, as I am sure there are those, including myself, that want to hear all about your son, and to help you through this journey.

Thanks, Robyn!

[lorijosherrell]

Thanks for the suggestion, I really hope that I can start this healing prosses. I was only 19 when I had my son, and it was a grow up fast wake you have a handicap child. Now I just need to learn to "live" as his mom because I know one thing he would never want me to be like I am now, if I was upset he was not happy and I cannot even imagine making him sad. When I get the hang of how all of this works I will post his pic

[lorijosherrell]

I have beat myself up for almost 3 years. I wonder,what I did to deserve watching my son die before my eyes,and yet not be able to do anything about it. I am a christian. I have tried to live right. I try to help others when I can. Why did god judge me in this wzy? I would have rather have died and let him live . He had so much more to give . I lived a full life and he was just beginning. Why did god take him from me. The pain is too great. The anxiety is overwelming. When will I feel alive and happy again?

[lorijosherrell]

Some how u have just summed up how I also feel, I done cpr and brought my son back twice, when I hot him to the hospital it took them another hour to get him back again. The next day I had to make the decision to turn off his life suport. I know how u feel

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Maddy6]

Missing and still loving Rachael.

[Maddy6]

We will one day see our precious children again.

[hoosiermom]

Junebug

My name is Jenn and I lost my Brianna on 7/5/09, she was 15. She was born with spina bifida and had many other chronic health issues her whole life. My life was very much like yours....dr appts, round the clock care, constantly watching for any signs of illness. In the end, her poor tired body just gave out, she could not fight any more infections. I also had to give the order to let her go...she had sepsis and her heart stopped three times and I could not bear to watch them shock her anymore.

She was the purest soul I will ever know this side of Heaven and I was so blessed to be her momma. I love her and miss her every single day. It has been very hard to find my way in this new life without her. I don't really remember the first year after she passed, I think I was on autopilot for a long time, just doing what had to be done and thinking of the many ways I could die, just so I could be with her again. I didn't WANT to die, I just didn't want to live either.

I have two other daughters as well, they are 23 and 15. My youngest daughter went through the last 24 hrs of Brianna's life with me, she was in the room when Brianna passed. I felt so much guilt for that too, for her going through something no 13 yr old should have to go through.

I have had some people tell me....that I should be grateful for the 15 years I had with her, considering how frail her health was, and don't get me wrong, I am. I knew every day of her life that her time with me would be short, so I can look back now and have no regrets, I never took a single day for granted. But that does not mean that I don't mourn her loss. Some people just don't get that I guess.

Please know that I understand, I truly "get it", and I am here for you.

For all the other new parents....I'm so sorry that you have reason to be here at all. I look at the pictures of our children in the gallery and I wonder...how in the world can so many beautiful young people be gone. One thing I believe with all my heart is that our precious babies are always near us, death cannot break the deep and lasting bond between a parent and a child, and the veil between our world and theirs is so very thin.

Colleen---I did not know that there was another boy on the car who survived, I just can't imagine how you have dealt with that, and I wanted you to know that I have shared your story with my 15 (soon to be 16) year old daughter so that hopefully she will share it with her peers as well.

Love and light to all Indigos, Jenn

[shorty16]

Jenn,

I am happy to hear that you shared my story with your daughter. I hope she does share this.

Yes, there were 2 kids on the hood of the driver's car that horrible day. One was able to hang on or jump off the side, the other (my son) paid the ultimate price.

Yes, it is very hard. The other boy on the hood has never appologized to us for his role in Brian's death. He went so far as to dis-respect us during the sentencing. He thinks he did nothing wrong (so do his parents).

I need to forgive those 2 boys or I will never move forward in my grief process unless I do. It is hard to forgive someone when they do not take responsibility for their actions. However, God will judge them, not me.

Thanks Jenn. If I can save one family from this horror, it is worth it.

Colleen, Brian's (AKA Brain's) Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

HATE TO SAY WELCOME TO THE NEW PPL.....BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL FOUND US....

MY KOURTNEY WAS HAVING HEADACHES, NOV 4TH WE TOOK HER TO THE DOC AND THEY FOUND A "BLOCKAGE"...IM THINKING SINUS MRI LATER ITS A TUMOR, I REMEMBER LAYING IN BED WITH HER SAYING WE WILL GET THE SAME HAIRCUTS AND YOU WILL BE FINE, THEY WILL GO IN AND GET IT....SHE SAID "I NO"...........WELL SURGERY WAS SCHEDULED FOR NOV 29TH 2007 SAME YR, BUT WE HAD TO FILL OUT A STACK OF PAPERS FIRST CUZ SHE HAD NO INS.......NOV 15TH HER AND I WERE RUNNING ERRANDS, AFTER SHE KEPT HER BREAKFAST AND PILLS DOWN......AND SHE WAS AT THE BANK WITH ME AND STOOD UP AND STARTED TO SHUFFLE HER FEET LIKE A OLD MAN, I LOOKED AT HER SHE LOOKED AT ME.......I TOOK HER BY OUR BUSINESS AND DAD ASKED HER QUESTIONS AND SHE ANSWERED THEM....I CALLED HER DOC AND TOLD THEM AND I SAID "MY WO"........AND THE NURSE CUT ME OFF SHE SAID AND I """""""".." ITS NOT LIKE THE TUMOR WILL BURST"....."BRING HER IN WHEN YOU CAN"......SO BY 830 THAT EVE WE ARE AT OU MED IN OKC.......KOURTNEY EATS 2 POPTARTS....THEY CALL HER NAME AROUND 1030.......AND BY 1100 HER TUMOR BURST ............SHE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN.....ONLY OPENING HER EYES AND GRIMMICING IN PAIN OR SADNESS IDK, SHE DIED 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS LATER............WE NEVER LEFT HER SIDE, .........HER DAD,....MY HUBBY (HER REAL DAD IF U ASK ME) ....HER HUBBY (JUST GOT MARRIED 9 MONTHS B4)......AND MYSELF.........SHE DIED IN A ROOM FULL OF FAM AND FRIENDS.....THE YOUNGEST AT THE TIME THAT WAS IN THERE WAS 10......AND IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL AND GODLY I M GLAD THEY ALL WITNESSED HER PASSING.........

DREAMED LAST NIGHT IN MY MIND I HEARD MYSELF SAY "KOURTNEYS NOT DEAD SHES JUST GONE".........

[lolynbo]

HERES MY GIRL

[lorijosherrell]

Junebug

My name is Jenn and I lost my Brianna on 7/5/09, she was 15. She was born with spina bifida and had many other chronic health issues her whole life. My life was very much like yours....dr appts, round the clock care, constantly watching for any signs of illness. In the end, her poor tired body just gave out, she could not fight any more infections. I also had to give the order to let her go...she had sepsis and her heart stopped three times and I could not bear to watch them shock her anymore.

She was the purest soul I will ever know this side of Heaven and I was so blessed to be her momma. I love her and miss her every single day. It has been very hard to find my way in this new life without her. I don't really remember the first year after she passed, I think I was on autopilot for a long time, just doing what had to be done and thinking of the many ways I could die, just so I could be with her again. I didn't WANT to die, I just didn't want to live either.

I have two other daughters as well, they are 23 and 15. My youngest daughter went through the last 24 hrs of Brianna's life with me, she was in the room when Brianna passed. I felt so much guilt for that too, for her going through something no 13 yr old should have to go through.

I have had some people tell me....that I should be grateful for the 15 years I had with her, considering how frail her health was, and don't get me wrong, I am. I knew every day of her life that her time with me would be short, so I can look back now and have no regrets, I never took a single day for granted. But that does not mean that I don't mourn her loss. Some people just don't get that I guess.

Please know that I understand, I truly "get it", and I am here for you.

For all the other new parents....I'm so sorry that you have reason to be here at all. I look at the pictures of our children in the gallery and I wonder...how in the world can so many beautiful young people be gone. One thing I believe with all my heart is that our precious babies are always near us, death cannot break the deep and lasting bond between a parent and a child, and the veil between our world and theirs is so very thin.

Colleen---I did not know that there was another boy on the car who survived, I just can't imagine how you have dealt with that, and I wanted you to know that I have shared your story with my 15 (soon to be 16) year old daughter so that hopefully she will share it with her peers as well.

Love and light to all Indigos, Jenn

Jenn

Thank u so much for sharing, and ur suport

I would like to talk me, tell more and learn more. But right now I'm so exhausted from a meeting about payton this morning .

Hope to talk soon

Lori (junebug)

[lorijosherrell]

In loving memory of

PAYTON MICHAEL S.

March 10,1998 to August 23, 2011

To those I love and those who love me

While I am gone release me, let me go

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears

Be happy that we had so many beautiful years

I gave to you my love. You can only guess how much you facetious me in happiness

I thank you for the love you each have shown.

But now It's time i traveled on alone

To grieve for me a while if you grieve you must.

Then let your grief be comforted by trust

It's only a while that we must part

To bless this momories within your heart

I won't be far away, for life goes on

So if you need me, call and I will come

Thought you can't see or touch me, ill be near

And if you listen with your heart

You'll hear all my love around you soft and clear

And then when you must come this way alone

I'LL GREET YOU WITH A SMILE AND SAY

"WELCOME HOME"

[robyn]

It has been 6 months since my son pasted, and it feels like forever. He was not even supost to live. He was. Born with cp so my life for 13 yrs has been him, doc appointments and keeping all of his needs up. Now all I feel is the overwhelming feeling that it is my fault, I missed seeing something that would have changed all this. So now between the crying, sleeping, and just being irritable all the time, my family suffers. I'm at my husband's throat mist of the time, and my other kids just want mom back and for this cranky women to go away. I am in desperate need of figuring out who I am now and finding my way again

Junebug,

6 months is the blink of an eye. Allow yourself the right to grieve and understand that it is all part of the process. The one thing my family and I have been able to do is hold on to each other, each of us understanding how much we ALL lost. It was NOT your fault- say that to yourself everyday until you MEAN it. Awful things happen in this life- they just do. That you were there for him every day of his life says so much about you- and it's all good. To understand that this life isn't our REAL life is an act of will, and you WILL see him again. Where he is now is what is waiting for all of us. Surrendering and trusting in the One who holds us all in His hands is the beginning of the only real joy we can know in this life.

For now, give yourself a hug and know, in your heart, that you gave him life and love while he was here. He is and will always be a part of you. We are honored by the fact that God put these precious people in our lives for however long we had them. And now, they are just a breath away and waiting for us.

Robyn

Two months, 3 days

[shorty16]

Robyn,

What an awesome message to Junebug. Only one that has gone through taking care of a sick child can offer such wonderful advise.

Junebug,

It sounds like Robyn knows what she is talking about. May I suggest that you read and re-read her post. This can only come from a parent who has been in your shoe.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Deana]

I still come and read each day, but still can't seem to find the words. I get up each day and go to work. And each day I think about what I have read that morning. Knowing that I am not the only one coping with a heart that hurts. I am not sure when it becomes a part of life, because I still question each day. I miss my Jared so very much. A way that many do not understand, but that the ones here do.I pray for those on this site to have a peace about them. One that I hope to feel one day. Again, Thank You all for posting. I know I am not alone.

[shorty16]

Deana,

You are doing a great job. I know you do not feel great at all!!! I never knew this depth of pain even existed. And that I could feel this bad and still be alive.

You are back to work - that is a HUGE step. I was off work for over a month and then 32 hours a week for over a year.

Tt has been over 3.5 years since Brian became an angel and I do feel better than I did the first 2 years. The missing is still there; cutting me on holidays, birthdays, any other day sadness decides to come.

We will always miss them, but we can live again, because of them.

Colleen, Brians (AKA Brain's) Mom 4ever.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deana, Robyn, Kourtney's Mom, Jenn, and Colleen, Your angels are so beautiful.... I hope my Jared has introduced himself to them by now and they will become friends, knowing their parents are here, sharing their memories about them.

I had a not so nice conversation with the Dept of Trans here today. They were out here yesterday, and putting down some lines that record the amount & speed of traffic, and I was encouraged. I thought that meant that the petition and all the calls to reduce the speed limit on our rural residential road were finally paying off. No, I was told that their study of the road did not indicate to them that it needed to be reduced, and that changing the speed limit wouldn't stop people from speeding by.

At one point, this woman, who had to have been reading from a manual on the subject, had the gall to say to me "I understand how you feel, Mrs. West". Are you kidding me???? I said, "NO, unless you have had your son struck down and killed by a 4 ton vehicle traveling 50 mph less than 1/4 mile from your home, where he bled to death there on this road before EMS could arrive, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!!!" I told her not to give me any BS about how a reduction in speed wouldn't matter, as I would be sitting here having a conversation with my son instead of her if the driver had been doing 35mph! I continued by telling her how hard it was for me to sit here everyday watching traffic speeding by, much faster than 50mph, and that I don't even want to be in my home because of it, as it is just a constant reminder of the callous nature of people on their way to work or home. They have even sped by a handi capped child's residence as he was boarding the handicap bus with the red flashers on!

Her response? " I don't think speed was a factor in your son's case". WHAT??? I knew she meant the driver hadn't been charged with speeding, but the fact is, that 50mph is entirely too fast, and the stats are 100% chance of fatality at that speed, whereas at 35mph, the chance of fatality drops to 50%, cuts those odds in HALF! All this was falling on deaf ears....

She asked if there were anything else they could do for me, and I said, "you haven't done anything for me yet, all you are doing is talking about posting a 50 mph speed sign, which should have already been on the road, and doing nothing to change the limit.Why did we turn in 915 signatures on a petition?? "

My fear is that for folks that didn't know the limit was 50mph, if they post THAT, then they will be driving even faster!

I am not giving up, but I bawled like a baby after that phone call. Then I got mad, and still am. I will wait until they finish this so called traffic study, which they say is only to let them know if there IS a speeding problem, and then they may install a speed box to let travelers know how fast they are going in an effort to slow them down, but they clearly have no intention of changing the limit.

I argued no shoulders, no lighting, 22 homes on a half mile stretch, 5 mph less than the HIGHWAY???

This may be a long battle, and it's only one, still waiting for the police to finish their investigation into the crash that killed my babyboy. How in the world am I supposed to move on?

[mikesmum]

Becky ~ Nothing you wrote could be misread. Bottomline, the driver wasn't charged with speeding, that doesn't mean that the stretch of road and the speed he travelled was ok.

The 'counters' they put across the road indicate something is being investigated. Might just be the volume of traffic, the speed or the road conditions.

Here we have something called the Traffic Accident Commission. Part of their role is investigate concerns raised in relation to road fatalities. I wonder if you have something similar. These guys are seperate from local councils and work with another agency who maintains the roads (VicRoads).

Sounds like the area where JD was hit has a number of issues that need to be broken down and address.

And yes I just love it when someone says they know how we feel.

Couple of quotes that might make you smile from those who you'd have thought would have known better.

When asked why my application for Wokers Comp (PTSD) had been refused, my HR manager replied "You are just grieving. Its not like you were traumatised or anything.

When asked why she left the room as I was assisting with CPR over the phone to my son, rather than take me out, my Team leader replied..."I didn't know what to do, so I went to get someone who might".

Later I returned briefly to work. I was back 30mins working on a radio for Emergency Services. That same Team leader presented me with my 'paperwork' for days off I had taken when Mike died. "I just need to tidy up the paperwork so we can get back to normal".

Still waiting to get back to normal.....

[lorijosherrell]

Junebug,

6 months is the blink of an eye. Allow yourself the right to grieve and understand that it is all part of the process. The one thing my family and I have been able to do is hold on to each other, each of us understanding how much we ALL lost. It was NOT your fault- say that to yourself everyday until you MEAN it. Awful things happen in this life- they just do. That you were there for him every day of his life says so much about you- and it's all good. To understand that this life isn't our REAL life is an act of will, and you WILL see him again. Where he is now is what is waiting for all of us. Surrendering and trusting in the One who holds us all in His hands is the beginning of the only real joy we can know in this life.

For now, give yourself a hug and know, in your heart, that you gave him life and love while he was here. He is and will always be a part of you. We are honored by the fact that God put these precious people in our lives for however long we had them. And now, they are just a breath away and waiting for us

Robyn

Two months, 3 days

I so wish I would have found u guys months ago

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks for that, Trudi! What idiots. I felt like I was talking to someone fresh out of class, that didn't have a clue about the reality of the decisions they make on a daily basis. Yes, these lines were to count numbers of vehicles and the speed they are going. It is the Dept of Trans. that is responsible for the maintenance of the roads and road signs. Yesterday, when they were first installed, and I thought it would be a step towards my goal, I was elated everytime I could hear the "clack clack" of a vehcile passing over those two lines, today, I don't know if there is any justice in this world at all. I thought my argument was valid and made perfect common sense, but they're talking to me like I am speaking another language. I guess I am, one born of loss and of pain, and trying to make my logical mind work overtime to try to make some sense of it all.

Thanks Indigos, for being here, so that we none are alone.

When asked why my application for Wokers Comp (PTSD) had been refused, my HR manager replied "You are just grieving. Its not like you were traumatised or anything.

When asked why she left the room as I was assisting with CPR over the phone to my son, rather than take me out, my Team leader replied..."I didn't know what to do, so I went to get someone who might".

Later I returned briefly to work. I was back 30mins working on a radio for Emergency Services. That same Team leader presented me with my 'paperwork' for days off I had taken when Mike died. "I just need to tidy up the paperwork so we can get back to normal".

Still waiting to get back to normal.....

[Maddy6]

I am trying to post pics but having trouble figuring out how. Can anyone give guidance?

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone, I have been absent for a while,not because I want to be but by sheer amount of work right now. My days at school are from 7:20-5:30 asI am running an after school birdhouse painting project. One winner from each of 30 classrooms chosen by my student council members. the birdhouses wil be silent auctioned at our annual carnival, hoping to raise over 500.00 to send to the orphanage in Haiti that we have been helping for three years now. So busy busy. So the last two weeks have been busy and tomorrow we have a painting day after school again. In the meantime, I have been setting up conferences to be held next two weeks, which will also see some 12 hour days.

Anyhow, I feel badly to not have been here helping where I can, but I am catching up on the reading of posts, and I see that the support being given is so incredibly heartfelt and wonderful that I am content to simply read right now, there is nothing I can add to what has been given.

Yes Trudi, I think that tar and feathering your former supervisors is still a good idea.

Becky, I am glad that you let that person have it about knowing what you feel like.

We all have stories of stupid-ass-things-folks-say when they are dealing with us in our grief. One of my superiors said, upon my request to use my sick days in case our case went to trial, so that I would not lose any pay if trial went beyond my personal days..." oh no dear, we can't do that, it would set a precedent."

REALLY I said, rather loudly, a precedent that other teachers whose Daughters are struck by an AMTRAK at a broken crossing might also want to use their accumulated sick days rather than lose pay. Stormed out of the room. Oh how dumb some situations really are. But they don't need to be, people are not prepared to deal with those of us who grieve the early leavings of our Children. Too bad too, because i would think it would benefit everyone to have some sensitivity training.

Sleep well Parents, know that you will always be that Child's parent, and yes, we all made mistakes in all of our Children's lives at some point, but they love us completely and they would love the guilt some are plagued by, to let it go. Let it go because when you do, when you are able, (I needed extra help with this), you will find more room in your lives for the goodness that Child brought. It may seem counter intuitive, but I can almost assure you more room and more joy when you can let some of it go.

[mikesmum]

"I am speaking another language. I guess I am, one born of loss and of pain, and trying to make my logical mind work overtime to try to make some sense of it all."

Becky ~ A language of experience that opens another dimension to the 'obvious' problem. Keep at them. Be calm, remember they haven't the 'benefit' your experience.

My company did 'attempt' a change in their policy. After Mike died they held a training session for Managers. The title of the course "How to deal with Grief in the Workplace". Unfortunately my team were offered 'self referral' assistance, in their own time.

"Forgive them for they no not of what they speak" or something like that

[letamusic]

In loving memory of

PAYTON MICHAEL S.

March 10,1998 to August 23, 2011

To those I love and those who love me

While I am gone release me, let me go

I have so many things to see and do.

You mustn't tie yourself to me with tears

Be happy that we had so many beautiful years

I gave to you my love. You can only guess how much you facetious me in happiness

I thank you for the love you each have shown.

But now It's time i traveled on alone

To grieve for me a while if you grieve you must.

Then let your grief be comforted by trust

It's only a while that we must part

To bless this momories within your heart

I won't be far away, for life goes on

So if you need me, call and I will come

Thought you can't see or touch me, ill be near

And if you listen with your heart

You'll hear all my love around you soft and clear

And then when you must come this way alone

I'LL GREET YOU WITH A SMILE AND SAY

"WELCOME HOME"

[letamusic]

I am new to this site even though my son died 7 months ago. He was 27 but he had the heart and mind of an old soul. He was my only precious child who had an congenital heart disease. I know what that mother whose child had CP (?) felt like when someone said to her "at least you had (blank) number of years with your child". I want to hit someone when they say that. My husband and I know that our lives will never be the same. I cry morning noon and night and there is nothing I see or hear that does not remind me of him. We were very close. We talked on the phone every night and he'd say "iloveyousleepwellgnight". All one word. He had alot of those little phrases that were so him. I cant say them ever again, or watch all the movies we saw together, or eat sushi. I have had to try to sell my business because I can no longer work. I was hospitalized for acute grief. And from what I understand most parents who lose a child are so grief stricken their experiences are very similar to mine. is

Even though it makes me sad to read about others who have lost children, we can comfort one another like no one from the world of intact families can do. The only reason I am still on this earth is for my husband. He's been through enough and he would be devastated without me. Otherwise I always knew that if anything happened to Alex, my son, I would swallow a bottle of sedatives, sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry this is so negative, but there is no positive spin on the death of a child. Anyone who says there is, is living on Mars.

Thank you for letting me reply even though I did not address everything you said. Our experiences have been similar in that we grew close to our child who needed us through their physical pain.

Jenn

Thank u so much for sharing, and ur suport

I would like to talk me, tell more and learn more. But right now I'm so exhausted from a meeting about payton this morning .

Hope to talk soon

Lori (junebug)

[lorijosherrell]

I am new to this site even though my son died 7 months ago. He was 27 but he had the heart and mind of an old soul. He was my only precious child who had an congenital heart disease. I know what that mother whose child had CP (?) felt like when someone said to her "at least you had (blank) number of years with your child". I want to hit someone when they say that. My husband and I know that our lives will never be the same. I cry morning noon and night and there is nothing I see or hear that does not remind me of him. We were very close. We talked on the phone every night and he'd say "iloveyousleepwellgnight". All one word. He had alot of those little phrases that were so him. I cant say them ever again, or watch all the movies we saw together, or eat sushi. I have had to try to sell my business because I can no longer work. I was hospitalized for acute grief. And from what I understand most parents who lose a child are so grief stricken their experiences are very similar to mine. is

Even though it makes me sad to read about others who have lost children, we can comfort one another like no one from the world of intact families can do. The only reason I am still on this earth is for my husband. He's been through enough and he would be devastated without me. Otherwise I always knew that if anything happened to Alex, my son, I would swallow a bottle of sedatives, sleep and never wake up.

I'm sorry this is so negative, but there is no positive spin on the death of a child. Anyone who says there is, is living on Mars.

Thank you for letting me reply even though I did not address everything you said. Our experiences have been similar in that we grew close to our child who needed us through their physical pain.

Cp is short for lack of oxygen to the brain

It's good u know how hurt ur husband would be if u were gone, but also think "would my son want me to "

Look forward to talking more in the future

Lori (junebug)

[letamusic]

When we think there is a God who judged us and punished us by taking our child's life.....something is wrong with our notion of God. I have a Masters Degree in Theology and when my son died, I tried so hard to pray and find comfort and trust God. And then I woke up. I read the bible again from start to finish and realized that the Judeo-Christian God fails miserably as a loving God. Just take the Abraham story. God asks him to sacrifice his only son. If, as many clergy like to believe, it was to test Abraham's faith, we must ask ourselves what kind of a God would ask of someone to sacrifice their child as a sign of loyalty. What kind of egotistical picture of a God have we painted? I can keep going and going siting examples so that you come to understand that your beliefs have led you to wonder what YOU did to deserve this. Unless you physically take your own child's life.....YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! We want an explanation of why we are in pain, how this could happen.....I want that too. I hope that your path leads you to a place where you realize you are not being punished by a big man in the sky. We wonder why it happened to us and not the person next door.....why! And then we cry until we think our head will fall off.....we want so badly to hold our child again that we ache with desparation. And then you figure things out slowly. There is no conclusion. No closure. But your questions will lead you somewhere. If you ever want to talk, you can e mail me. I'm not sure if they give out e mails here. Your post just resonated with me and I felt your pain and wanted to comfort you.

[sunset924]

Why are there so many new people here????

When does it stop hurting????

Why isn't my Aymayndia here with me????

Why aren't your children here with all of you????

Ughhhhh, I just want to scream!!!!!

Today marks my Sunshines 2 month Angelversary!

Love, prayers, and hope for even 2 minutes of comfort to everyone here.

Rachel, Manda's Mom

[michael watkins]

When I lost my son December 14 2011 we didnt know what happened I came in from working 3rd shift and he was up not feeling feeling good we talked that morning and 15 minutes later my Mikey was know longer with me he had stop breathing emt did all they could and the doctors had no cause so they said him leaving was due to natural causes wow my healthy 19 yr old son i couldnt accept it these past weeks have have been the worst losing him and wondering at the same time. Well yesterday his toxiology report was finished and the medical examiner told me he had a severe asthma attack nothing i could have done as it was sudden how is this when my Mikey didnt have asthma? I feel a little better with a reason but now im confused confused confused.........

[JD's Mom, Becky]

This whole journey called LIFE is a test of our faith. God, who IS a loving God, allowed HIS ONLY SON to bleed and die that we might know something other than this earth, with all of it's trials and tribulations. I have never been angry with God. I have questions about why this was allowed to happen, and believe me, when I leave this place, and reach the gates of heaven, I will probably be made to wait at the end of the line, because if God is all-knowing, then He knows I have a lot of questions! The Holy Spirit cannot be explained in written word, it's something you have to experience, and God offers that as a comforter to us when we decide to accept the sacrifice of Jesus, and ask God's Holy Spirit to reside in our hearts.

When we think there is a God who judged us and punished us by taking our child's life.....something is wrong with our notion of God. I have a Masters Degree in Theology and when my son died, I tried so hard to pray and find comfort and trust God. And then I woke up. I read the bible again from start to finish and realized that the Judeo-Christian God fails miserably as a loving God. Just take the Abraham story. God asks him to sacrifice his only son. If, as many clergy like to believe, it was to test Abraham's faith, we must ask ourselves what kind of a God would ask of someone to sacrifice their child as a sign of loyalty. What kind of egotistical picture of a God have we painted? I can keep going and going siting examples so that you come to understand that your beliefs have led you to wonder what YOU did to deserve this. Unless you physically take your own child's life.....YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG! We want an explanation of why we are in pain, how this could happen.....I want that too. I hope that your path leads you to a place where you realize you are not being punished by a big man in the sky. We wonder why it happened to us and not the person next door.....why! And then we cry until we think our head will fall off.....we want so badly to hold our child again that we ache with desparation. And then you figure things out slowly. There is no conclusion. No closure. But your questions will lead you somewhere. If you ever want to talk, you can e mail me. I'm not sure if they give out e mails here. Your post just resonated with me and I felt your pain and wanted to comfort you.

[lorijosherrell]

I will be at the end of the line with you girl. I have always believed and know that everything happens for one of gods reason, you may never understand why or may never know the lesson ( for lack of s better word) that he wants u to know, but I also know that he will only give u what u can handle, but right now I wish he had not trusted me so much. U can imaging any other place u would want ur child to be if they couldn't be with u. Right now I know my son has his new body, as his baby sister (7) tells anyone who will listen. ." He is talking, playing, and probably fishing or hunting with papaw right now and without that Dang wheelchair". This is also the same lil SIS that crawls up on my lap and say "momma I wish bubby was still here" u have to keep ur faith that is what keeps my sanity

[hoosiermom]

Good morning Indigos

What an amazing group of people to be a part of.....sending you all compassion and understanding as we make our way through this life.

I remember shortly after Brianna passed, I was walking into a convenience store and a woman stopped me, embraced me and said "I'm so sorry for your loss, I just wanted you to know that". I didn't know her from Adam, and I told my sis about it and described the woman to her. Turns out she was the mother of a young man that my sis and I both knew who was killed on a job site accident many years before.

We never forget, and we try to comfort those who are so new and raw to the pain.....we are a special breed of people IMO. Whether we are fighting for justice in our child's death, or we are offering a shoulder and a hug, or we are showing others how to be sensitive to pain and loss, we are all driven by the need to ensure that our child's memory lives on. The world must never forget this amazing person that we called son or daughter.

To the new parents here....in July it will be 3 years that my little girl has been gone from my life, and there are still plenty of days that I cry. The pain is softer, yes, not as jagged as it was in the beginning. I think of my life in terms of "before" and "after" now. And there are events that I am able to look forward to....my youngest daughter graduating high school in a couple years, someday becoming a grandma. I don't believe you ever "get over" the death of your child but somehow, you are able to live again.

Be gentle to yourself.

Shout out to Susannah and Carol, hope all is well with you both, thinking of you.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

First, I am sorry you are here, and so sorry about the loss of your son. I am glad you found this site, and hope you will keep coming back.

My son that was just lost to me on October 3rd, 2011, died when he was struck from behind by an SUV 1/4 mile from our home. He had asthma from about 2 years of age until this summer when it seems that he had finally outgrown it. We had some bad bouts of it during his lifetime, but it never slowed him down, as he played baseball, basketball and football, and not many people even knew he had it, as he learned how to use the medicines, and he didn't want people to think him less than 100%.

My husband, who suffers from seasonal allergies, takes the same medicine, Singulair, as did my son for his asthma. There were a couple of times that my husband has had breathing problems that were associated with treating the swimming pool and had a bad reaction to the chlorine tablets when opened.

I just wondered, since your son had no history of asthma, if it were something he was exposed to? I don't want to give you more questions but I know you must be going crazy trying to figure out what happened.

When I lost my son December 14 2011 we didnt know what happened I came in from working 3rd shift and he was up not feeling feeling good we talked that morning and 15 minutes later my Mikey was know longer with me he had stop breathing emt did all they could and the doctors had no cause so they said him leaving was due to natural causes wow my healthy 19 yr old son i couldnt accept it these past weeks have have been the worst losing him and wondering at the same time. Well yesterday his toxiology report was finished and the medical examiner told me he had a severe asthma attack nothing i could have done as it was sudden how is this when my Mikey didnt have asthma? I feel a little better with a reason but now im confused confused confused.........

[ericasmom]

I wondered the same thing and my heart breaks for you belovedson, to have lost your Mikey like this. I hope you do realize that you are not responsible for your Son's death, and while we all wonder, what if? the facts remain and we are that Child's parent in grief. He loves you for all of time, and I know that that is not enough right now but as a veteran here, (8.5years), I promise you that one day you will feel less cutting pain than you do right now. I do promise this.

[Maddy6]

Everyone loves and misses you so much Jellybean.

[Maddy6]

You were worth the world to me. I will always love you.

[rlolheiser]

I haven't posted for a long time. I just have been in a bad dark place. I see all the new people here and I don't want to discourage any of them by whatever I may say, as of late I have been so negative.

I have spent a lot of time soulsearching, I look for answers that will never come. Not just about my JaBoa.. but about all of life. How I wish I could say I have found that better place in my head, but I haven't.

My last post was before Christmas.. I made it through, I desperately hate the holidays. I have missed saying anything about our angels and their angelversaries or their beloved birthdays. I have missed welcoming so many new people that have found this site. I have'nt been a very good friend in telling you all that I am here, offering prayer up to the God I question so hard.. or that my thoughts are with you in the lonely dark hours. I have been here quiet.. I have been here each step with you.. the pains, the joys.. the memories of each precious angel.

Not sure what I will post in the future.. if I can.. I love this site.. it is a place for so many who have suffered the worst pain in life.. I guess I am saying, is that even in silence.. it still helps to come here.. I read and speak outloud to you... I know you can't here me.. but I am here.. and I do care so very much for this family united by their angels.

[Susie_q512]

Leah - So happy to read your post, but saddened that you are struggling so. I think of you often and take comfort in knowing that you are still with us.

As far as God and religion goes, I've learned that the death of one's child will absolutely challenge whatever belief system a person has in place at the time of the loss. There's no way around it. Anger finds us in one fashion or another. For me, my anger is directed toward God simply because I have no one else to blame. That's not to say that I have lost faith, but it is safe to say that I have lost trust. There are so many challenges we face during this loss and pain. I have come to believe what I have consistently read and been told: We are changed... Never the same as we once were. I believe that these challenges will change us irrevocably. How could they not?

I got the funeral home paid, and also a down payment toward Shannon's monument.....the cost is staggering, but we are determined to somehow come up with the funds needed to purchase it. Can't really say where I am right now. I seem to bounce from one emotion to another rather quickly. Disbelief and sadness may be the best words to describe me at this moment today. Miss my girl....can't believe she is not here with me, because this is where I believe she should be.....right here with me!

I do feel the sorrow of all who are a part of our group....Really wish I could change things for all of us. Maybe some of us will find some peace during this day. (((HUGS))) to all.

[robyn]

When I lost my son December 14 2011 we didnt know what happened I came in from working 3rd shift and he was up not feeling feeling good we talked that morning and 15 minutes later my Mikey was know longer with me he had stop breathing emt did all they could and the doctors had no cause so they said him leaving was due to natural causes wow my healthy 19 yr old son i couldnt accept it these past weeks have have been the worst losing him and wondering at the same time. Well yesterday his toxiology report was finished and the medical examiner told me he had a severe asthma attack nothing i could have done as it was sudden how is this when my Mikey didnt have asthma? I feel a little better with a reason but now im confused confused confused.........

I know this won't help you with your sorrow, but maybe I can make you a little less confused? What your son suffered was a case of "status asthmaticus". The small airways constrict and gas exchange becomes impossible, and it is almost impossible to treat. Even toxic doses of steroids given IV are so seldom effective.

I have been retired for some time now, so I can't say with any assurance now, but the numbers of undiagnosed asthmatics in the US is huge. It doesn't always present in the way we expect with wheezing and shortness of breath. A great many times it can "look" like a sinus problem, allergies, etc. The doctor won't order diagnostics unless he/she has reason to believe it's present. It takes a battery of pulmonary function testing, something akin to PET scans or MRI.

What MAY have happened- and I am ONLY speculating- is that he was exposed to an allergen and his body reacted by releasing a flood of histamines. IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT- BELIEVE that, not just in your mind, but in your heart, too.

For ANY in here who are asthmatics, or have a family member who is, please (I'm begging you!), if you don't have a peak flowmeter, GET ONE. Your pulmonologist's office usually gives them away for free, or order it online. Use it every single day and note the results. It will show you if an attack is beginning, even if you aren't feeling any symptoms. Take your meds exactly as the doctor has prescribed them. Don't skip because you "feel ok". Please.

If you have a child who is given to frequent cough or "sniffles", check with your family and see if anyone has had asthma. When he/she is not feeling well, put your ear to their back and see if you hear any wheezing. Not the big noisy, upper airway stuff, but the small, faint little wheezes way down, almost to their waist. If you do, you can request follow up testing from your primary physician.

I'm a registered RT and did this work for a LOT of years, and the cases I saw that were preventable broke my heart. And it ISN'T the fault of the families. It's the fault of poor information. Protect yourselves and your family.

2 months, 4 days

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos.......I missed a few days coming to BI------Cloudy weather...gives poor

sattelite signal, so problems with the internet.

I am so sorry for all the new parents coming on BI. While everyone here hates to see new

people coming to the site, with broken hearts, I think that BI is the best grief site to come to. This

is a big site with lots of people who understand your pain and devastating sorrow at the

loss of your beloved child. I have been on here over 8 yrs.....and have found it to be a lifeline.

Please come back to this site as often as you care to.......everyone understands. Peace & prayers.

Leah----Good to see your post. I'm so sorry that you are in that dark place right now. I, too, did

not post over the holidays. As you say....that time can be terribly stressful and depressing. I

think that nearly everyone has had to step back now & then, and just try to reflect on their own

situation. I do hope that things will turn around for you. I know that being in that dark hole makes

you miss little JaBoa more & more. Please take care, friend.

Dee------The other day my husband & I were riding in the car and it was raining hard. Then.....all

of a sudden the sun came out from behind a cloud........quite unexpectedly.....he said "There should

be a rainbow". We looked to the east, and there was the most beautiful rainbow.....very vivid. We

loved seeing it.

PEACE AND TRANQUILITY TO EVERYONE IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

It is so hard to come here after just a few days and read the posts of new ones to this site....I am so sorry you have had to find your way here but so glad that you have found the right place to help walk you through this most horrible journey of grief... I am Kathy and lost my daughter Jessica on Feb 18, 2006 from ARVD...she was just 26 and the light of my life, my best friend, my beautiful daughter..Too lose her so suddenly and unexpectedly is still beyond my comprehension but time has softend the pain, something I never thought would be possible...Time, lots of time to get to the place where you are able to smile, laugh, remember without crying, enjoy the sunshine and so many other things...BUT, the pain never really goes away and you will always have days when you are overcome with the pain of the loss but they do not come as often. I hope you will stay with all here, share all that you can and talk freely about whatever you want, there are no judgments here, just great people trying to survive the worst thing a parent can ever go through.

Robyn - Thank you so much for you for your information !! I never even heard of that....My grandson Tavian has asthma and now I will be much more cautious then I have been. I do have to say though that now I am a bit nervous - what if I miss something with him ?? Should I take him back to the doctor and ask more questions?? He is 9 years old and the son of my beautiful daughter Jessica....he was just 4 when she left us and we have full custody of him....I cannot bare the thought that I might miss something with him and his asthma...I will get the flowmeter as you suggested and keep my eyes wide open to anything I think might not be right....

It was good to see you here Leah and believe me I understand....not coming here and talking is something that I have been doing for some time and it is not that I do not want to, it is just that I cannot seem to find the words I want to say...I hear them in my head but my fingers can't seem to type them out....so I read and I cry and I pray for all here...

6 years ago today I did not know that I only had 23 days left with my Jessica....I remember how many times I suffered through the endless pain of asking "Why did I not know ?? I could have changed things if I had known, I could have saved my daughter !! " Well, I can now say that I am GLAD I did not know as I would have spent all of my time trying to find a way to save her, something I know was not possible. and I would have missed out on those last days with her, I would have missed all of the laughter, the I love you's, the hugs, the phone calls, so very many things I would not have now....PRECIOUS MEMORIES....I am so grateful for the beautiful, wonderful 26 years I had with her and I miss her every single day and yes my life has changed forever but I will live my life for my Jessica as I know she wants me too and I know that she is smiling at how wonderful her son Tavian is and knows that he will always remember his mommy becuz we will always talk of her and her love will always shine through no matter where we are or what we are doing...she is there with us...

Thank God for this wonderful site where we can speak without having to worry about hurting someone or making someone uncomfortable, where we do not have to make something that is SO HARD LOOK EASY, where we can say our childs name as much as we want and where we can take off our masks and be who we are....

To all indigos....know that you are always with me and though I do not mention each person here I keep you close to my heart, in my prayers and I am always just a keybord away....

Love, peace and Strength to all.....Kathy

My Jessica........I love you so very much..... (Pic made by a very special woman)

[mikesmum]

Sadness can paralyze your fingers, and stop you from creating. It can lay claim to the things you once felt passionate about, and leave you reaching out to touch the faint indentations where something significant used to be.

~borrowed from Evynn Tyler & Marcia Smith (Bethany's mum)