Loss of an Adult Child

[vivkib]

Kevin's Mom

4 weeks in still so very new to this jouney. Please be kind to yourself. At 4 months, I was still not able to think straight. I did go back to work, 4 days a week, because (for me) it forced me to think of something else - if even for a minute.

You are doing the best you can with this terrible situation we find ourselves in.

My son died car-surfing. A nightmare for all of us. 3.5 years later, I am still in dis-belief on how Brian died. My family has learned to live again, but very very slowly.

My daughter (21) was with Brian when he died (she was not part of the stunt). Just recently, she asked to see a professional. She has nightmares and flashbacks. We are supporting her the best we can.

Take care my friend. We are here to help you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

Thank You Colleen. Some days it's just so crazy. It's hard to understand what happened and just about impossible to wrap my mind around. Kevin was a very smart and fun-loving young man. He loved God, his family, and his friends. He had a sense of humor about everything and would pop off with the most random things that would have you laughing even if you didn't want to. Then that night came and my world shattered, so unexpectedly. How could the police say my son hanged himself? That was the begining. I knew Kevin would NEVER intentionally kill himself, and I was right. Kevin accidentally hung himself playing a "game" that goes by so many different names, AEA, The Choking Game, Breath Control, ect. The list goes on and on. He was so smart, How could he have been so stupid. I know he had to know he could die. I've been told it's an addition like drugs. We found out later he'd been doing it since he was about 14. How did we not know about this? I'd never even heard of it before. Then I read about other families loosing a child to this. At first I didn't want to say the way Kevin passed but know I think someone has to.Other parents need to know this is happening all over the world in record numbers and talk to thier children no matter what age. The kids are even doing it at school (Elementarty Schools on up). You can easily find any information about different ways to do it (in detail) on the internet. I'm sorry, as I said I'm hurting and angry today. I really don't talk about this often outside of my family. Sorry to unload today. Thoughts and prayer to all. Kevin's Mom

[mysonrich]

Indigo's, I have to get this out of my system. Thursday night after being asleep for maybe 45 minutes I woke to my aunt yelling, BETSY!!! I jumped out of bed, my mind still asleep but registering that something terrible was wrong. Ignited in my very being was the fear I felt for months after Rich died. Not as strong and certainly not as long as the fright I felt for many months but it came back. I have felt sick since Thursday. Emotionally and physically. My aunt is fine. A weird accident; she reached for a plastic water bottle and dropped it. It fell on her shin and with her thin and sometimes brittle skin,(86 yo) the angle of the bottle,it cut her almost like the old fashioned razors we used to shave our legs.in a 180 degree bottle top shape. There really was no reason to scream like she did. Yes,there was blood which I cleaned up and bandaged her leg. She thought her legs were swollen from retaining water and a small problem with her kidney last year. I couldn't tell if they were swollen or not.

Nothing is said for the rest of the night. I stayed up late with adrenaline pumping through my veins. The next morning her son and DIL arrive and she is staying at their house for 3-4 days. Apparently she was a wreck on the phone that morning after I left for work. I'm glad they came to her assistance. If it wasn't for my assertiveness( bitching) these last 2 – 3 months they'd be sitting at their home on their butts. Time for another change. God, I'm tired.( but not that tired God)

Diane, I' m mad at the universe sometimes. I'm mad at the church but I feel my anger at God to a lesser degree. most times.

Susannah, built Ford tough, your family that is.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, hope to you and to your family...I bet you are tired my dear, this has been a lot of anxiety for a soul that has dealt with so much already.

Sab, sounds like a beautiful place you live...

Kevin's Mom, no shame in the ways our Children died, only confusion and pain. I know others that have talked about this game, this dangerous game that they play involving the stopping of the airway, the rush to the system becomes addictive. I am so sorry and so proud of you at the same time as the awareness is HUGE for others. Just like Colleen letting kids know that car surfing is DEADLY your words can also help families know that this exists.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Dee, I live in Galway, it is over on the West Coast. My husband is from Dublin, the capital and we have spend a lot of time up there since Blu passed- finding it can be easier to 'keep moving' to try and distract the head and heart. . Where we live in Galway is about half an hour - 45 mins out - its an area called Connemara - very beautiful and wild. I'm sorry to hear you have not been well. Glad you and the others like John O'Donoghues poetry...he was also a beautiful speaker and while it is not related to grief - there is two audio books available on iTunes of talks that he gave and they are very interesting. He has written a number of books, all of them very spiritual and moving.

Hi Sabs,

Thank you for posting the poetry. It was lovely.

Our other son and his wife lived in Dublin for three years. They were in an area called Dun Laoghaire. They had originally gone over for a two year period. However, they enjoyed living in Ireland so much they came home and sold their house. They then moved back with the intention of staying permanently. Our grandaughter who is three was born there. Unfortunately due to the economic downturn they had to move back to Canada. They now live in Calgary and are liking it very much. I asked him not too long ago if he would ever go back to live again. "In a heartbeat" was his reply.

I am so sorry for your loss. I hope that in time you will come to feel a sense of peace again in your life. It takes a lot of time and effort. You will start to slowly regain your strength. Your daughter sounds like she was a lovely young woman.

[vivkib]

Betsy, hope to you and to your family...I bet you are tired my dear, this has been a lot of anxiety for a soul that has dealt with so much already.

Sab, sounds like a beautiful place you live...

Kevin's Mom, no shame in the ways our Children died, only confusion and pain. I know others that have talked about this game, this dangerous game that they play involving the stopping of the airway, the rush to the system becomes addictive. I am so sorry and so proud of you at the same time as the awareness is HUGE for others. Just like Colleen letting kids know that car surfing is DEADLY your words can also help families know that this exists.

ericasmom, Thank you. This is a very hard thing to talk about but at the same time I'm starting to believe if I don't speak out I'm not helping to stop someone else from doing this and the aftermath of it. Kevin was a very outspoken young man if he believed in something, guess I should take his example. I don't think I'm strong enough yet to be to vocal about it but one step at a time. This is a small, but at the same time huge, step for me to even be truthful to anyone exept family about Kevin's passing.

[ericasmom]

Kevin's Mom, I do think this is a big step and a very important one, and I do think that Kevin is cheering you on for your bravery here. He sounds like an incredibly lovely young man. I know your heart is shattered, let us hold you while you take these first steps knowing that our hearts too were shattered in the beginning and over time, we learn to place the shards back one at a time. It is a reconfigured heart but it still beats, we still have work to do here.

[crystalann]

morning all!

Well it has already been a long year!

I made it thru the one year mark.I think only because my mine was on my stepdads cancer.I thinl it was the 28th that we were givin or options.Both options didnt sound good.Radiation he said no. Surgery to take out part of the esppagas and a;l the stomach. He didnt want either do to the long down times on both.We needed a pet scan i guess to see how bad that was to be done Wed. Than a steint into the stomach so he would be able to eat to be done Thurs. I spent the last week at his house frpm the time he woke till bed.Before that was back and forth five to six times a day. Was at his house till 10:30 watchong movies.He called me at 12:15 in so much pain! Had to be bad cause he asked me to call 911.It only take maybe a min to for me get there.

The hospital said he had a hole under the tumor on his esophagas. When they opened he was full of cancer they closed and put him om comfort care. I sat with him till the end. Played music sang to him held his hand. He passed Thursday night at 8 It was so hard.

Now all the things that come now. Im just so numb i dont know what to do!:'(

[ericasmom]

Tyler's Mom

I am so sorry that you are now having to grieve another loved one, but he had you with him and had Tyler to greet him, he is not afraid or alone. I know that you wonder what you will now go through, it will be more grief, and maybe a bit of relief in knowing that your Stepfather is no longer in pain. Some of the grief for Tyler may become stronger now too since you do not have the nursing and nurturing duties to your Stepdad which gave you a focus. Hang on here and let us know what it is you are feeling so that you are not alone with this. I am sending prayers.

TYLER TYLER TYLER

Please sit near your Momma and hold her while she gathers her thoughts and feelings, let her know how proud you are of her and how near you always are.

[Susie_q512]

I haven't checked in with ya'll for the past 5 or 6 days. Last Monday evening I was hit with extreme anxiety, panic, desperation and pain. It came from nowhere, and took me by surprise. I slammed my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. The sobbing and hyperventilating began. Couldn't control it. Eventually went for a drive. I cried and screamed. I kept telling Shannon, "I don't think I can do this. I know I have to survive it for Ragan, but Shannon, I don't think I can do it !!!" I cried off and on most of the night. Finally fell asleep, and had a "visit" dream from Shannon. There was a crowd gathered to watch young kids perform. Everything was in black and grey muted colors except Shannon and I. Anyway, some of the kids on stage moved, and I caught a glimpse of Shannon. She was about 3 years old and wearing one of her favorite outfits. My heart leaped with joy when I saw her. When she saw me, she ran to me....off the stage and into my waiting arms. We clung to each other, our faces buried into each other's neck. As I held her so tightly, I wept for my child. I wept for the depth of love I have for her. I wept for the child I miss so much. Then there was a sensation within my heart, like a bursting, and my grief flowed free. I mourned for my little girl. It seemed as though we melted into each other and became one at that moment. I knew in my dream that this was only a visit....she was only with me a short space of time, but how special that time was. Then we were sitting outside, she on my lap. Words were spoken, but I don't really remember them. She kept trying to get down, and I kept pulling her back onto my lap. I guess I knew she could not stay, so I let her go, and as she ran off to play, I awoke. I believe she came to comfort me, to be with me in that moment I needed her so much. I believe she came as a little child so that I could hold her in my arms....what a sweet gift! Tuesday was difficult, very emotional. I was grieving my girl, but also doubting my ability to get through this for my other daughter who needs me. Tuesday evening we met with the cemetery folks to go over plans and details of her monument. Since then, I have been exhausted. Also, my husband has had some abnormal lab results. Main concern is the liver. So, more tests and a sonogram were done. This week he goes for a scheduled skeletal survey which will tell us whether or not any new lesions are in bones. His right pelvic bone is almost completely tumor, little bone left at all, with soft tissue and hip involvement. There are also lesions on the skull, rib, and femur. We have been aware of these since his diagnosis in November 2008, but there is always apprehension when the skeletal survey is done....just never know what may be found. The problem with his liver could be due to all the medications he has taken daily since diagnosis, or it could be related to the cancer....guess we'll find out soon enough.

Trudi, Betsy, Diane, Rhonda - I was not here to acknowledge the special and difficult dates for each of you, but please know and trust that you were in thoughts, prayers and heart.

Tyler's Mom - I missed your angel's date also. I am so sorry to here of your stepdad's passing. Hugs to you.

Everyone - I have caught up on the posts. I care what each of you are facing in your lives. I hold you close and pray for you always.

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[shorty16]

Tylers Mom

I am so sorry for the death of your stepdad. He is now dancing in heaven with Tyler - I really believe that. While we on Earth are left to pick up the pieces.

I lost my Mother to breast cancer 4 months before Brian was killed. 2008 was a terrible year for us.

We are with you to listen, post and support you.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Maddy,

First, I would like to say I am so sorry for the loss of Rachael. My son, Brian died at 16 from a completely preventable car crash.

The one bit of peace I can offer is the people on this site. They have enabled me to vent, scream, cry, and do all the other things I needed to do, but can not do outside my family. No one understands the depth of this pain until you have gone through it.

I am also so very sorry for the response from your church. Shame on them. I have experienced the same, but not with our pastor (SHE has been awesome). I had a bible-study leader say to me "It has been over a year and a half and the death of your son still bothers you?" I responded - "It will bother me until the last breath I take." I never went back.

Here, you will find people who know how you feel.

How are your sons? My son was very distructive after Brian's death. He destroyed the property of the boy who was driving when Brian was killed. After that, we bought a full size punching bag. 3.5 years later and Aaron is still using this bag.

Here we are. Here, we will listen, Here we do not judge.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Susan

You can do this and we are here to help you. Yes, the physical pain we feel after a loss of a piece of ourself is overwhelming.

You can do this, because we will help you. We have been there and we made it through (sometime I do not know how), but we did. I made it because of this site. We will help you by understanding what you face.

One day at a time, sometimes one breath at a time.

The visit from Shannon is one that you will carry with you forever. I know that does not lessen your pain, but it will be a bright spot in this darkness.

We are here for you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Conniewhite33]

It is a little over 4 years since Rachael died. I remember now, I used to get up at night unable to sleep and think of her. I had found this site then, but the pain was to great. I could to even face reading about the pain of others because I would then hurt for them and My pain would be magnified. I have a 30 year old daughter, 4 sons, ages 20, 19, 17, and 14. We used to be this big happy family. We now just exist. We relocated to Texas for Hurricane Katrina, spent a nightmare year in a hotel dealing with the whole Katrina thing. Then Rachael was a year in Teen Challenge in Minnesota comes back right after we settle in a house finally in Texas. We had no friends and knew no one. We were trying got get settled in a church. I kept asking this associate pastor to have someone please contact my daughter. I was worried she would find some good friends. We all had PTSD and were just trying to move forward again from all the trauma we had been through. This minister told me he would have someone call Rachael. 2 months pass and I went to him 3 times. Finally, he tells me, you know what, I will give you a name and Rachael can call them! What kind of church and minister is this? I told my husband I do not want to go to that church anymore I was so hurt that they would not help. I had been to the main pastor before Rachael came back from Teen Challenge and asked them to please reach out to my children. In New Orleans our church would have reached out to my daughter. They would have helped us. All my kids were struggling to move forward and find friends and fit in following all the trauma we had been through with the Hurricane. This head pastor was asking people to really give financially because he wanted to build a bigger building because he said he did not want to stand before God and answer for why the church had the land and did not use it. Maybe he can answer to God for why he was worried about buildings instead of helping the hurting people God sent to his church. Rachael was trying find friends again following all the uprootedness. She fell back not drug use. So many things went wrong. Why could we never get anyone o help us? We had had so many friend in New Orleans who would have helped us. Thank you for listening. I guess I will be coming back to this site o tell my story. It is long and painful. 4 years ago was light years ago. How do I move forward and change the painful sickness in my heart and find joy again?

[Susie_q512]

Colleen - Thank you for your support and encouraging words. I was truly taken off guard Monday night. I was coming out of the bathroom, not thinking about anything really, when it hit me. I have experienced pain and sorrow since the accident, really almost every moment since she was taken from us, but this was different. I have constantly questioned how I am going to find the way to live in this world without Shannon, but truly began questioning and doubting that ability when I experienced such deep and overwhelming pain in my heart and soul. The intensity of it staggered me. I am afraid of it...afraid that I will not find the strength to get up and go on. I don't much care what happens to me, but I cannot fail Ragan. Two fears: Living without Shannon and Failing Ragan. I hate being powerless. I have no doubt that Shannon wants me to soar above this, carrying her with me as I fly, but I cannot see that moment in time when I can do that. I sometimes think that I will not be able to truly grieve for my daughter until after my husband passes....maybe then I will be at liberty to collapse and experience the depth of loss. I have to stay together enough to continue taking care of him too, and I have a sense that the next 2 years will be very challenging....have a feeling that's about all he has left. Just a feeling. Can't really explain it, but I sense his health declining. I sense that when the cancer takes root again, that it will advance rapidly. Worry about Rae a lot....lost her only sibling and facing her dad's decline and passing as well. She's still so young herself, and already so much heartache...makes me so sad.

[Conniewhite33]

Mandy, I am so sorry about your daughter rachael and the experience u had with your church. I so wish people understood what their actions or lack of causes. We had mainly jusgement during the time my son was dieing of cancer. One so called christian lady who did not even know my son wrote him a letter and told him he was dieing and going to hell. As a christian young man , he was crushed as he needed support from the church. I am sorry your daughter didnt get support that God wants his children to give to others. I have had a hard time even goin back to church after the experience that we had but remember all christians or churxhes are not the same . The pain is so overwelming at times and I am glad to have people who really do understand to share with. We can support each other as we understand what others,cant. May god wrap his arms around u today.

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks Maddy, for your kind words. I will look for that show. I want so much to hear from Jared. I tell him everyday, when I hug his urn and kiss the top of it, and ask him please to come visit me and tell me how this happened. He used to jump out at me in the middle of the night when he was alive, as I would be on my way down to the kitchen to reheat my "neck buddy", and he would scare the crap out of me. I would so welcome that now!

I also spent a lot of time in church in my youth, and have had some disappointments with church "people" over the years, and stopped going to church on a regular. I still believe, and I still pray, but don't feel the need to be around hipocritical folks that sometimes talk out of both sides of their mouths. I don't need church to know God or to know that my son is in heaven. I am sorry that nobody was there for you to help you before and after all this happened.

I am so vet sorry for your pain and the loss of your precious son. Your story is heartbreaking. I have four sons who grew up skateboarding. They were always out playing on their skateboards and I was always worried. Your son was right near his home just playing. My heart goes out to you. I pray for you to find peace in the wake of your tragic loss. One day you will see Jared again and it will be a joyous day. There is a tv show that just started coming on, "Beyond and Back," it is stories from people who were brought back after they died. The people describe the most wonderful place and most do not want to come back here. The show has given my family comfort knowing Rachael is happy where she is at. I struggle with finding a way to move on here and be the mother I need to be to my four sons. For so long I have wanted to die and go to be with Rachael. The pain is so great. I share your pain, I walk beside you in your suffering. May we somehow find the courage.

[Conniewhite33]

Mandy I am so sorry about what these chrostian people did to u . We also had alot of needs that were met mostly by non christian people. How very sad . We were also at church there for about 10 years. We were sunday school teachers. My husband was the song leader. We went to church 3 x a week yet we had very little support. God , however showed his grace to us and met every need we had. There are caring churches out there . It has been almost 3 years and we decided to look for one. When u are ready u will know. Just remember God loves u and understands. I have alot of anger toward some of the people who brought judgement instead of compassion toward us. I am trying to forgive but they hurt my son and its harder than if it was me. Hang in there and I believe u will get tgrough it with your friends on here.

[Conniewhite33]

Mandy I am so sorry about what these chrostian people did to u . We also had alot of needs that were met mostly by non christian people. How very sad . We were also at church there for about 10 years. We were sunday school teachers. My husband was the song leader. We went to church 3 x a week yet we had very little support. God , however showed his grace to us and met every need we had. There are caring churches out there . It has been almost 3 years and we decided to look for one. When u are ready u will know. Just remember God loves u and understands. I have alot of anger toward some of the people who brought judgement instead of compassion toward us. I am trying to forgive but they hurt my son and its harder than if it was me. Hang in there and I believe u will get tgrough it with your friends on here.

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Colleen - Thank you for your support and encouraging words. I was truly taken off guard Monday night. I was coming out of the bathroom, not thinking about anything really, when it hit me. I have experienced pain and sorrow since the accident, really almost every moment since she was taken from us, but this was different. I have constantly questioned how I am going to find the way to live in this world without Shannon, but truly began questioning and doubting that ability when I experienced such deep and overwhelming pain in my heart and soul. The intensity of it staggered me. I am afraid of it...afraid that I will not find the strength to get up and go on. I don't much care what happens to me, but I cannot fail Ragan. Two fears: Living without Shannon and Failing Ragan. I hate being powerless. I have no doubt that Shannon wants me to soar above this, carrying her with me as I fly, but I cannot see that moment in time when I can do that. I sometimes think that I will not be able to truly grieve for my daughter until after my husband passes....maybe then I will be at liberty to collapse and experience the depth of loss. I have to stay together enough to continue taking care of him too, and I have a sense that the next 2 years will be very challenging....have a feeling that's about all he has left. Just a feeling. Can't really explain it, but I sense his health declining. I sense that when the cancer takes root again, that it will advance rapidly. Worry about Rae a lot....lost her only sibling and facing her dad's decline and passing as well. She's still so young herself, and already so much heartache...makes me so sad.

[Maddy6]

I want to thank all of you so much. Just the interaction on here with those of ou who know my deep pain is comforting. Thank you all for your kind, encouraging words. My 20 year old son who has struggled tremendously since the death of his sister got on here last night for the first time after I told him Bout the site. He said it really helped him and he is going to come here regularly. He is seeing a therapist, but has struggled with depression since his sister died. He is fearful that my husband and I will die one day. It is hardto watch my children struggle because of the loss of their sister.

[robyn]

I haven't been here for a while, but now I am so saddened by all the new posters. We now share an experience that no one else can understand. There is no greater pain than that of losing your child.

Of this I am sure- God cares for those of us in such sorrow, and I know I have leaned on Him just to get this far.

two months today.

[ericasmom]

I have been very busy with school work today and so I am just saying that I hold you all in my thoughts and prayers as I head to bed. It won't always hurt as it does right now, but the ache of loss becomes a part of us, it never goes all the way away, how could it, but you will find ways to integrate it into your lives. It gets woven into the fabric that makes up your spirit and soul. breathe and know that one day really, one day you will laugh and enjoy small things again.

It is thundering and lightning right now in Chicagoland, we had 7 glorious inches of snow, but now it is raining and storming like a spring storm. It is completely foggy out. Odd weather.

[shorty16]

Ok my Indigo Friends

Something is wrong with the thermastat in Wisconsin. Last week, we froze with 2 degrees F. Today it is 41 degrees F in the morning. I am not complaining, but WOW, what a temperature swing.

I am thinking of all the newbies here.

I do realize the thoughts most of you have "How will I ever feel better?" I do not know how it happens, but it does. I can remember just wanting to die the pain was so bad. I do not feel that depth of pain anymore, just the missing. I just miss every bit of Brian.

We will become the Mother we are suppose to be, but we are forever changed. We are not the person we were before our child died and we never will be again. But that does not mean that our life is over. I have found myself more compassionate now. More open to the feelings of others.

The acceptance part of this journey is not the acceptance of our childs death (I will never accept a perfectly healthy 16 year old dying from car-surfing), but it is the acceptance of who we have become Because of our childs death. A very smart Aussie taught me that.

Take care my friends - I am working all day, but will enjoy the heat wave in Wisconsin!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother 4ever

[ericasmom]

Hey Everyone, listen to that WIsconsin Girl, Colleen, she is speaking the truth about it all, If I had more time I would chime in more but right now I am simply swamped with work at school, so please listen to the one who has stepped forward to offer her great advice. Thanks Col, so proud of you.

[shorty16]

Thanks Dee

Between you, Trudi, Bonnie, Marcia, and Carol, I have learned to live again.

You of all people know the guilt I suffered from for so long. But a wise man (Greg) posted a short paragraph that changed my life. "You will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore."

That is exactly what happened.

We are all looking for a reason that our kids are dead. Well, no reason will ever satisfy us. There is no reason for kids to died doing stupid things or to get cancer and died. No reason for any of this. But that realization takes a long time and many, many tearful days and nights before we can even understand that their is not reason.

That probably does not make sense, but none of this does. The answer is "there is no answer" until we face our Lord and the understanding is made apparent.

Love to you all.

Colleen

[Maddy6]

Weeping may endure for a night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning. Proverbs 30:5

[shorty16]

Maddy,

I was the Queen of guilt. I tortured myself for over 2 years until one day I said to myself "If I would have started Brian one year later in kindegarten, this never would have happened." It was then that I realized I was grabbing at straws to try to find a reason for my son's death.

This has no reason that I will ever accept.

You are not alone in the guilt department. I was the Queen of guilt and you may be a Princess now, but one day you will realize that you are a good parent. A parent who loved their child.

Be kind to yourself, you deserve better than this self-torture. That is exactly what it is - self torture.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmum]

This journey none of us wanted to be on is written about by academics, those who think they know and us (we) those who live the reality. Part of our 'greiving process' is to write about our loss, our child, ourselves in a effort to find answers, to find a balm to ease our breaking hearts.

In my life I chose the path of nuturer/carer. Motherhood and nursing. Death in nursing is part of the job. Death in Emergency Service also. These were deaths others endured. I was merely a support. As a mother, it never entered my mind that death would touch my children. That I would be the one seeking answers to unanswerable questions...lost.

Working with cancer patients I was an avid reader of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Her last offering "on Life after Death" was bought after Micheal died.

In those first months/years we live with the guilt, why them not me. We fail to sleep though bone weary. We become fragile unable to function. We challenge our beliefs. We wonder at how we can possibly be here with such a broken heart and shattered being.

"You will bang your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore."

Drawn to this site to pour out our darkest deepest feelings. We shout out to the universe with a sound only heard by those who know our heart. We finally fall having 'banged our heads' for the last time.

Grief cannont be hurried but eventually an emotional balance does return. It doesn't run to a timetable or a straight path. It stays with us always in its many shapes and forms.

5yrs on I might not like where I am, who I have become. I might also be grieving a personal loss, as selfish as it sounds. The loss of who I thought I was in my world.

I thank my son who I believed was drawn to the late night glow of my computer screen back in April of 07. Who saw I was struggling, failing and bought me here.

The ravings of a crazy mother? Perhaps, but being here gave me more than reading any book, talking to any psychologist and trying to make this trip without a map, torch, sustinance or 'buddy'.

To be kind to yourselves Indigo's. Don't be afraid to reach out of the darkness and share your journey, your child....because you are not alone here.

I posted this back in Jan 2008 but its relevance remains.

"I have this affirmation on my fridge... dance as though no one is watching. My new take on it ~

Cry - if you have the need, it may washaway and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep

Scream - if nothing else it will let you and others know you are alive

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them too

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you too

Remember - memories of times gone by, good and bad. While the child may have died, the love remains".

[mikesmum]

One thing more. If you ever doubt the healing power of Indigo's let me tell you about the grieving mum who travelled 9451 miles arriving in a place she where she knew no one. It was a late, 'jetlagged beyong belief' I asked if there were any other Indigo's checked in. I was directed to the door of one 'Colleen Jackson'. The recognition instant, the connection forged. The door slamming with keys inside the room....well that's when the laughing became an okay part of my journey. Thank you Colleen ~ Brians mother forever!

[briansdad]

You know,having to lose my son is the worst thing I have ever lived through.What SOOOO sucks is having to deal with mean rotten people that he had the unpleasant chore of hooking up with. God I CAN't stand Brian's ex girlfriend. I have to put up with so much bullshit just so I can see my grandaugther.I'll probably go to hell for saying this but sometimes I wish she would just be gone. She is the meanest most vindictive person I have ever met. She has now broken up with her latest boy friend who she also had a baby with.I had called him to let him know I was hoping he was doing OK because I know the hell she put Brian through about his baby Alyssa and to tell him I did appreciate the things he did for Alyssa.

So Miss spawn of Satan calls me and reads me the riot act about calling him ( I have no idea how she knew other than she had his phone tapped )

telling me that she was trying to get full custody and how me calling him was putting that in jeopardy. God all she wants to do is make other peoples lives hell. WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO BE THAT WAY???? She killed my son knowing full well what buttons to push to piss him off.All he wanted to do was see his daughter off to school and she had to be a bitch and make in so pissed that he left on his bike going way too fast. What amazes me is the fact that she can live with herself know what she caused. DAMN I AM SO MAD. Why ME??? Do I have a F*#K with me sticker on my forehead???

I needed to vent and this is the only place I can safely do it.

Greg

[daveydow1]

Sabs-------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Blu. This site can be a lifeline,

and I hope that you can come back and read/post as you feel up to it. Peace & prayers.

Susannah----So glad that Curtis and the others were not hurt in the accident.

Carol------Yep---it was a tense time getting home through the snow. Now......it's all gone.

Back to 40 degrees and rain. Crazy weather. Thoughts & prayers for your family.

JD'smom----Yes,......KiKi is with JD......for sure. I think that my Brownie is with Davey & Lisa....

it gives one comfort to think of our children reunited with their favorite pets.

Dee----I listened on WGN, and WLS Chicago about the heavy snow, and dangerous driving

conditions. I pick these radio stations up at night----especially when I can't sleep . The

hill with all the kids sled-riding must have brought back lots of good memories for you. So

good to see kids out playing, isn't it? All our snow is gone now......poured rain today.

Kate-----Prayers for Sarah......sweet girl who died in the skiing accident. Ohmygosh.......a bill

for $500,000. !!! I hope & pray that somehow the insurance will pay the bill. Medical care expense in

U.S. is beyond ridiculous.

Diane-----My heart goes out to you, friend, as you had Nathan's first angel day. Yes,......the tears will

really fall like a cascade those first few angel days, as they are the milestones which marks the

time since we lost our dear children. May you somehow find peace & comfort. Prayers.

Maddy-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your sweet daughter, Rachael, and for the cold and unfeeling

way that the church people have treated your family in your time of need. Who knows why people

would act that way????? I do hope that you and your family are able to find a church home that

you will feel comfortable in. You are right-----not all churches are the same, and it is perfectly

normal to seek out one that is friendly, and makes you feel welcome. Prayers for peace...after

all that your family has been through. Pleace come back to this site. Everyone understands.

PEACE AND COMFORT TO ALL IN THE BI FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Greg-----We posted at the same time------. So sorry about your sad

situation.

[mikesmum]

Greg ~ Yep hard enough to lose your child. Harder still when the someone in their lives 'cared less'. I know Alyssa is the light in your life, the connection to Brian. Alyssa's mum knows it too. Her button pushing with Brian seems to have carried over to you.

Being the grandma that hasn't held her granddaughter in over 4yrs, I know first hand the lengths the evil incarnates will go to prevent you from having contact with your grandchild.

A word of warning with what you post. If she knows about this site these posts are public domain. They can and will be used in a court of law...I know first hand.

I hope you still have constant and regular contact with Alyssa. Grandbabies need continuity, love and care. That's something you have, she doesn't.

I wish you well in dealing with her.

[lolynbo]

KOURTNEYS BILL FROM DOCS ALONE WAS $750,000 THAT WAS 7 MONTHS OF ICU AND STEP DOWN UNITS.....THE HOSP BILL WAS WAY OVER 2 MILL.....WE NEVER GOT A BILL ON EITHER ONE WELL WE DID THE DOCS ONCE BUT NEVER GOT ANOTHER....BEYOND REDICULAS

[ericasmom]

Never had a chance to get on the computer today and now that I am caught up reading, I ahve not time to respond as I must go to bed in order to get up for work. Greg, I am so very sorry that the woman you speak of is such a bad spirited woman, but I do believe that your grandgirl has her Daddy's heart, I do believe that she will be fine and rise above the crap that her Mom makes. Hang on and yes, your rant is fine with us, you have shouldered many of ours.

Peace to all, may there be deep sleep tonight.

[Conniewhite33]

I have beat myself up for almost 3 years. I wonder,what I did to deserve watching my son die before my eyes,and yet not be able to do anything about it. I am a christian. I have tried to live right. I try to help others when I can. Why did god judge me in this wzy? I would have rather have died and let him live . He had so much more to give . I lived a full life and he was just beginning. Why did god take him from me. The pain is too great. The anxiety is overwelming. When will I feel alive and happy again?

[ericasmom]

Conniesue, when you are able to let go of some of the guilt, you will begin to live again. I know that sounds ridiculous right now, but it is true. I will pray that you find ways to do just that and perhaps being led back here will help you.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Greg,

I am so sorry you have to deal with this on top of losing your child. That's terrible. I pray God will give you strength to deal with this situation. Why is it she is so worried about full custody? Money??

I don't understand, like many here, why, when you do your level best to set an example for your kids, and live a life that they can be proud of, giving all you can to others.... why do those that are just the total opposite not touched by the tragedy that we endure? Not that I would wish it on anyone, but I don't get it.

I posted to facebook yesterday regarding the speed limit on our road, on which Jared was killed at 50mph in our rural residential neighborhood. I am trying to get the speed limit reduced, and only two people even bothered to respond. Too busy, tired no doubt of my posts, the superbowl and "bored" status more important; not concerned about sparing some other family this heartache we're living through. It makes me sick.

We had 915 people sign a petition to get the limit lowered, but it makes me wonder, if they had to do anything beyond put their name on a piece of paper, what effort they would put forth? The Delaware Dept of Transportation, "traffic study" group, told me that "people tend to drive at a speed they feel comfortable with, and that is hard to do anything about". You have got to be kidding me? They are supposed to call me back today, and EXPLAIN why they don't feel it necessary to change the speed limit.

You know,having to lose my son is the worst thing I have ever lived through.What SOOOO sucks is having to deal with mean rotten people that he had the unpleasant chore of hooking up with. God I CAN't stand Brian's ex girlfriend. I have to put up with so much bullshit just so I can see my grandaugther.I'll probably go to hell for saying this but sometimes I wish she would just be gone. She is the meanest most vindictive person I have ever met. She has now broken up with her latest boy friend who she also had a baby with.I had called him to let him know I was hoping he was doing OK because I know the hell she put Brian through about his baby Alyssa and to tell him I did appreciate the things he did for Alyssa.

So Miss spawn of Satan calls me and reads me the riot act about calling him ( I have no idea how she knew other than she had his phone tapped )

telling me that she was trying to get full custody and how me calling him was putting that in jeopardy. God all she wants to do is make other peoples lives hell. WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE TO BE THAT WAY???? She killed my son knowing full well what buttons to push to piss him off.All he wanted to do was see his daughter off to school and she had to be a bitch and make in so pissed that he left on his bike going way too fast. What amazes me is the fact that she can live with herself know what she caused. DAMN I AM SO MAD. Why ME??? Do I have a F*#K with me sticker on my forehead???

I needed to vent and this is the only place I can safely do it.

Greg

[JD's Mom, Becky]

I would also like to publicly thank Colleen for taking the time to privately message me. There is much I don't feel comfortable with sharing on a public forum, and she has been kind enough to try to help me on the PM. All here reach out to each other on a daily basis, and the common theme seems to be not only the fact we have this loss in common, but I am struck with the types of people this has happened to. Kind, caring, warm people.... why God?

One thing more. If you ever doubt the healing power of Indigo's let me tell you about the grieving mum who travelled 9451 miles arriving in a place she where she knew no one. It was a late, 'jetlagged beyong belief' I asked if there were any other Indigo's checked in. I was directed to the door of one 'Colleen Jackson'. The recognition instant, the connection forged. The door slamming with keys inside the room....well that's when the laughing became an okay part of my journey. Thank you Colleen ~ Brians mother forever!

[shorty16]

Trudi,

You gave me one of the greatest gifts one bereaved parent can give to another - understanding.

You brought light into my life when there was none.

Your statement to me about acceptance was one that changed my journey.

"On this grief journey, Acceptance is not the acceptance of the death of our child. It is the acceptance of who we have become, because of the death of our child"

That view changed me.

Thank you for being you. And yes, we did have a great time touring Minnesota together. We had never met face-to-face before and the conversation was flowing. I felt like I knew you all my life.

Thank you my friend.

Colleen

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning All...up half the night as I was unable to sleep. Lots of emotions racing through my mind. Not sure why it is that at this quietest time I am able to think so clearly. Probably less distraction.

Greg...hope you are feeling a bit better today. Sherry is right. Be careful what you say openly. One thing I thought of last night was that you could perhaps write a letter to your grandaughter. Put everything in it you want to tell her. Be honest and open about your feelings for her and your frustration at your wanting to see her and not having that opportunity. Date it and address it to her. But keep it for a time when she is older. You have a right to have a loving relationshiop with your grandchildren...regardless of your DIL's feeling towards you. Using children to hurt is so very wrong. It is immature and meanspirited.

Conniesue...you will find peace in time. Try not to be too hard on yourself. I can't answer many of your questions. I don't know the reason why many of us are carrying this heartache. I only know that because we are we have to find a way to try to function as best as we can again. You will do it in time. Small steps.

Becky,,,I think having the speed reduced on your road is a terrific idea. It may just help to prevent another tragedy. So, keep at it until you succeed. Good luck!

Somebody posted a little while ago about The Bucket List. An excellent movie...but sad. I watched another terrific movie not long ago. It was excellent."My Life Without Me". Sarah Polly, played a young mother of two who was given a very short time to live. She sat down and made a list of things she wanted to accomplish before her death. Also, things she needed to put into place for her kids and husband. She was just terrific in it. It was a sad but a beautiful movie. So real and true. And so today I am going to make my own list. Not that I am about to die. But, life is so short. It is meant to be lived fully. Every day that passes is one less...and I intend to make the best of it. And Colleen is so right. My life is now over for me in the way I was when my son was alive. I am changed. I can't go back to being the same person. I have seen so much death over the past few years. It has hit me big time...but more importantly it has made me aware of just how precious life is. That we should not carry grudges or ill feelings towards others. We need to be free of all negative feelings. Enjoy life again. Family and building good relationships is what it is all about. The rest is window dressing.

[Maddy6]

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.

[Maddy6]

Thinking of you today and knowing you are enjoying His glory.Mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Maddy,

Under the left column on each person that posts to the list, you will see links that let you view their gallery, add or remove them as a friend, or to "PM" them, which means private message, that as far as I can tell cannot be accessed by the public. If they are replying, as I am now, to someone's post, the "PM" option doesn't show up for some reason, but if they do an individual post, it does. I will do a regular post so you can see what I mean.

I have been trying to edit my profile as I would like to talk to some of you privately. It will not allow me to do so. I have posted it as a help topic. Also, by placing private in your name, does that protect you from the personal conversation getting out on the Internet? Is it best to communicate some things privately?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

<3

[Sabs]

Hi Susan, I read your post the other day and what you said stayed with me the past couple of days. I really identify with what you said about being hit with the sudden extreme anxiety, panic, desperation and pain...it explains it perfectly....I can be sort of ok and than ..bam...it takes hold in an instant. Thank you for posting it. I am so sorry to hear about your husbands illness. I can't imagine trying to cope with that on top of your grief, it must be so so difficult for you. The dream you had sounds so special, I hope Shannon continues to hug you and help you both through this very very difficult time. Thanks again for putting into words what you were feeling.

Sabs, Blus Mum.

I haven't checked in with ya'll for the past 5 or 6 days. Last Monday evening I was hit with extreme anxiety, panic, desperation and pain. It came from nowhere, and took me by surprise. I slammed my hand over my mouth to keep from screaming. The sobbing and hyperventilating began. Couldn't control it. Eventually went for a drive. I cried and screamed. I kept telling Shannon, "I don't think I can do this. I know I have to survive it for Ragan, but Shannon, I don't think I can do it !!!" I cried off and on most of the night. Finally fell asleep, and had a "visit" dream from Shannon. There was a crowd gathered to watch young kids perform. Everything was in black and grey muted colors except Shannon and I. Anyway, some of the kids on stage moved, and I caught a glimpse of Shannon. She was about 3 years old and wearing one of her favorite outfits. My heart leaped with joy when I saw her. When she saw me, she ran to me....off the stage and into my waiting arms. We clung to each other, our faces buried into each other's neck. As I held her so tightly, I wept for my child. I wept for the depth of love I have for her. I wept for the child I miss so much. Then there was a sensation within my heart, like a bursting, and my grief flowed free. I mourned for my little girl. It seemed as though we melted into each other and became one at that moment. I knew in my dream that this was only a visit....she was only with me a short space of time, but how special that time was. Then we were sitting outside, she on my lap. Words were spoken, but I don't really remember them. She kept trying to get down, and I kept pulling her back onto my lap. I guess I knew she could not stay, so I let her go, and as she ran off to play, I awoke. I believe she came to comfort me, to be with me in that moment I needed her so much. I believe she came as a little child so that I could hold her in my arms....what a sweet gift! Tuesday was difficult, very emotional. I was grieving my girl, but also doubting my ability to get through this for my other daughter who needs me. Tuesday evening we met with the cemetery folks to go over plans and details of her monument. Since then, I have been exhausted. Also, my husband has had some abnormal lab results. Main concern is the liver. So, more tests and a sonogram were done. This week he goes for a scheduled skeletal survey which will tell us whether or not any new lesions are in bones. His right pelvic bone is almost completely tumor, little bone left at all, with soft tissue and hip involvement. There are also lesions on the skull, rib, and femur. We have been aware of these since his diagnosis in November 2008, but there is always apprehension when the skeletal survey is done....just never know what may be found. The problem with his liver could be due to all the medications he has taken daily since diagnosis, or it could be related to the cancer....guess we'll find out soon enough.

Trudi, Betsy, Diane, Rhonda - I was not here to acknowledge the special and difficult dates for each of you, but please know and trust that you were in thoughts, prayers and heart.

Tyler's Mom - I missed your angel's date also. I am so sorry to here of your stepdad's passing. Hugs to you.

Everyone - I have caught up on the posts. I care what each of you are facing in your lives. I hold you close and pray for you always.