Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

KODYS OFF TO A JOB INTERVIEW PRAY HE GETS IT AND LOVES IT.

[lolynbo]

KODYS OFF TO A JOB INTERVIEW PRAY HE GETS IT AND LOVES IT.

[dwsmithrn]

westley...westley...westley.....happy heavenly birthday to you....please bring your mom some comfort and angel kisses today. let her know you are having a party in heaven today and missing her as much as she misses you....rhonda, thinking of you on this your angel's birthday.

[westleysmom]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, dearest Westley. I hold you in my broken heart until I see you again. Words fail me, but you know.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Nathan, gone too soon, leaving your Mom with a broken heart.

Diane-Westley would have been 23 and Nathan would have been 33. How can it be that they are not here with us in the flesh? They live in our memories and in our hearts, but it doesn't ever seem to be enough. I don't know how to tell you to convince yourself that it is, because I can't convince myself. You are in my thoughts today as you try to make it through. You will be in my thoughts through the next couple of days too as the first anniversary comes. I wish I could change it for both of us, for us all, but we can't change it. All we can do is be there for each other.

Thanks so much to Dan for the picture and to all of you for remembering Westley today. I told you last week on the anniversary that the day he was born was the happiest day of my life because now we were all here. He had been there all along in my heart and soul, just waiting for the time that he was to join us. He wasn't a perfect son, but he was the perfect son for me and my husband. I miss him every day of my life and I don't expect that will ever change. He was the last to arrive and the first to leave of our little family. We wait for the day we will all be together again and the time apart will melt into the past.

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda, you are so right....nothing is never enough now...not the memories, not remembering the good times, not all of the wonderful things that nathan accomplished...he was a good son, full of love and laughs and gifts....and oh, yes, there were some trying times in his teenage years, but he was a good son. he loved his family so much and had so many friends....i got a text from his best friends and they said his facebook page is blowing up with messages today. i no longer have FB, so i can't log on and see for myself. i could reactivate just to see, but i won't. i am glad to hear that people remember. that's good enough for me. but missing him, and my broken heart can't bring him back, and only seeing him again would be enough....and knowing that we will see him again, simply isn't enough now. time, a simple word that has no meaning now.

take care of yourself and know that you are in my thoughts.....diane

[dwsmithrn]

happy heavenly birthday, nathan.....i miss you...everyone misses you...your delightful sense of humor, quick wit, your array of fun facts that could amuse a crowd, and of course that infectious smile....i want you to know how much you are loved and missed by all....not a person who had any contact with you at all goes a day without missing you. you were so loved. i hope you are having a party with all the angels. please give me a sign that you are near. my heart is broken, but i am still your mom, always and forever. happy 33rd birthday, my precious nathan.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Nathan, Westley, Rich.... so much sorrow here this week. I am so sorry. The last to arrive and first to leave our family rang true to my situation as well.

Yesterday, my birthday, was really hard. I tried to get up and do my hair and put some makeup on, but nothing really helped. I just got through it. We didn't go anywhere, because on top of everything, my daughter's cat, Kiara "KiKi" was near death's door. We found out two weeks ago that she had some sort of cyst growing in her belly, and they put her on antibiotics, and it seemed to be helping, then all of a sudden, last night, she took a sudden turn for the worse, and by this morning she was gone. She was Jared's favorite cat, and he and his sister, Jasmine, had discussed just before Jared died, how sad they would be to see her go, as she was getting up there in age. It does give comfort thinking of KiKi crossing that "Rainbow Bridge" to be with Jared again.

Jasmine stroked her as she drew her last breaths, and KiKi was purring right up until she left us.

[Littletenderness]

Hello my dear friends,

So many new people here. My heart breaks for them.

LT - I too lost my son at the hands of another, but Brian is not blameless in the act that took his life. Your daughter is blameless. I wonder if that brings you any peace. I do not know, because the end was the same for both of us.

Car-surfing - what the heck is that. I wish those two words never went together. 3.5 years later and I am still in total dis-belief in how Brian died. If I would allow myself to really think about how Brian died, it makes me physically ill. I have learned how to push that thought out of my head, but it does not stay out.

Diane - I wanted to comment on your thought that your daughter is mad at Nathan. Boy can I relate. During the first year, I would stand in our back yard and scream at Brian (not in my head either) I was waiting for the men-in-white-coats to take me away. I am still angry at Brian's actions, but I have been able to seperate that one action from the rest of his wonderful life. That took a LONG time. Be kind to yourself. You are a good Mom.

Where would I be without this site and the people who run it and post on it. Not near where I am now. That is for sure.

A big thank you to all of you who have made my life a little better for just being you.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4ever and ever and ever and ever.

Thankyou for welcoming me Colleen. You are an amazing Lady to cope with the turmoil of losing your darling son Brian and having to cope with the anger that comes too. I think we have to mad at somebody for changing our lives so drastically. I was mad at the drunk and drugged driver who killed or should I say murdered my darling Laura. The anger is a very important part of your grieving I now realise and I can see you are already able to compartmentalise your feelings and remember the loving boy Brian.

Wish we didn't have to be here LT

[aim630]

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Nathan and Westley!

[ericasmom]

Becky, sorry that your birthday was so difficult. I understand that. My birthday is in April, just two weeks after Eri's, so that first year, her birthday and then mine were a difficult time but since then, I have been able to love Eri's birthday again. I do love the date that brought her to us. On our first of her birthdays after she died, we had several of her good friends over and a few of mine, her Dad came over and of course my Son. We had a cake and we toasted Eri for all that she brought to our lives. Hang in there. Losing the cat is so sad too, but like you said, the cat is with her best Buddy Jared now.

LT, anger is one piece of grief for many. Prior to coming here, did you post with any other grief site?

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Nathan and Wesley Happy Birthday in Heaven and give your parents a sign and God give them some peace\

Hugs and prayers sent yor way

Robs MOM

[summergirl]

NATHAN AND WESTLEY - THINKING OF YOU ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.....SAYING YOUR NAMES OUT LOUD.....I KNOW THAT YOU WERE THERE FOR YOUR MOM'S AS THEY CHERISH THE MEMORIES THEY HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL LOVING SONS....

[summergirl]

Amy - yes it is bittersweet as I watch Tavian growing up....from a child of 4 years to the soon to be 10 year old....I see so much of Jessica in him and it is a blessing but I have to say at times it sends me into the crying mode.... I know how blessed I am to have him but what I need some people (not here) to understand is that Tavian is Tavian, he is Jessica's son...He IS NOT Jessica....I get so tired of people telling me "I know you miss Jessica BUT you have Tavian" - it is as though they think I have "replaced" Jessica with Tavian so all is well in my world !! Well, it is not....I miss Jessica every day, I miss everything about her - I also thank God every day for Tavian, for the wonderful, beautiful child that my Jessica brought into this world and got to be his mommy for 4 beautiful years. I also know there are many who lost a child and will never have a grandchild so I def know how blessed we are..... Anyway, I am going on and on.......

Dee - sure understand about Birthdays.....Tavian birthday is February 11th, we lost Jessica exactly 7 days later on February 18th and my little brother Billy left us on February 28th.....It is hard celebrating Tavian's birthday knowing what comes after but I wear my Happy Mask for him as he LOVES his birthday and I will never take that happiness from him.

Lorri - prayers that Kody got the job.....

Rachel - I felt your heartbreak as I read your post.....having all of your beautiful daughter Mandy's belongings surrounding you and wanting so badly to reach out and touch them - In time you will be able to do that, each person is different.....I look at pictures all the time, many I have framed, I have her clothes, shoes, boots, hats all packed, I have a Treasure Box for Tavian which contains all of Jessica's most personal belongings, her jewlery, her special shirt, notes that she wrote, all of the little things that will mean so much to him when he is older. I have never read Jessica's journals and there are alot, she started them at an early age and continued until she passed.....a part of me wants to read them so badly but the other part of me feels as though I would be betraying her by reading her most personal thoughts and feelings.....Crazy ?? maybe...I don't know....maybe one day I can but if I don't that is ok too.....So hold on friend, take it slow and breathe, one step at a time....Hugs

We actually saw a little snow today.....not enough to stay but it was pretty coming down. On the way home from work tonite my car started making a crazy noise which freaked me out.....hubby checked it and needs an alternator.....guess I will be driving the Hubby Truck tomorrow..

Must say good nite as I am tired....long day at work and much on my mind as always. Love, Strength and Prayers to each and everyone here..Kathy

[michael watkins]

@ summergirl- I really understand how you feel and I thought something was wrong with me feeling like that i lost my son just a little over a month and all i hear is atleast he left you a gift my granddaughter who is 1 yes i am thankful and blessed to have her but to continue to hear this makes me feel like people are saying he gone but you got her as if thats going to make me feel better i love my grandbaby but she will never feel this hole in my heart that was once filled with him Mikey mom will do everything to take care of your lil pooh what he nicknamed her because i know thats what he would want she was his world and was a great dad for the short time he had. Love You Love you Mikey and miss you so so so much your spirit keeps me waking up each day.......

[mikesmomrs]

Diane and Rhonda: I am so sorry I haven't been here to wish your precious sons a wonderful heavenly birthday and to offer my support to you as you went through this day; a day that brought you so much joy, and brought your sweet sons into your lives...I think it was Dee who said that we must remember that part, in order to get through the sorrow that we feel...one day you will be able to celebrate this day again, as you will remember it once more as the happiest day of your life. Please know that you are in my prayers, as always.

NATHAN...Saying your name...a sweet sound to your loving mom...surround her with your precious spirit and help to remind her of the wonderful memories that she holds in her heart of you...a heart that is for now filled with sorrow over your not being here on this earth with your family.

WESTLEY: Your name is out there, also, being said by those who love you so very much...your mom has shared you with us and we have become one in that legion of people who continue to say your name, to remember...always, to remember.

[mikesmomrs]

To all: It has been a tiring week, winding down tomorrow, with a busy Friday. Fridays involve lab work, a doctor's appointment, the radiation treatment and then the chemo treatment. Usually winds up taking about 4 - 4 1/2 hours from start to finish. Mike is doing okay, though very, very tired. After tomorrow, we will have 3 1/2 weeks to go. I hope those weeks speed by as quickly as these have, so he can be out from under at least this portion of his treatment.

Rhonda, you are so right...no, it is never enough. All of the memories, the photos, the stories, etc., are not enough to fill up that hole that is there always...Dee: I like your analogy...our grief rides shotgun with us always, capable of knocking us down on a moment's notice. Coming here to share and to receive support and understanding is one of the greatest blessings I have, as I feel that I can say whatever I am feeling at the time and know that I will receive the understanding that I need. Kathy, I am so sorry that people say such things as "But, you have Tavian," and Mikey's mom, the same with you, "But you have your granddaughter," is just not the same, even though you feel so very blessed to have them, they are not your daughter, or your son. The blessings are there (our Mike left us three grandsons) and the thankfulness for them all, but our child is gone from this earth. That will never change.

I am so sorry for all of the new people here over the last week or so. I have been reading off and on, but it has been a truly busy week, and adjusting ourselves to the new schedule with Mike having to be at the hospital every day has been tough, but we are getting through it.

I send my love and strength to all, you are all in my prayers every day.

[shorty16]

LT

The legal system considers Brian a murder victim. Scott and I are now members of a club called "Parents of Murdered Children." I do not consider Brian's death a murder (unlike yours, your daughter did nothing but be in the wrong place at the wrong time.)

I have not seen those 2 boys involved in Brian's death since the legal proceedings ended. Many, many people thought Mike should not have been charged in Brian's death. The problem I have with that, is Brian did not have his hands on the steering wheel or his foot on the pedal. He had no control over the unbelievable speed Mike was traveling (68 mph with Brian on the hood).I cannot even imagine the last thoughts Brian had. His last words were "Mike Slow down."

If you ask anyone here, they will tell you I was the queen of anger and guilt. What did I not say that made Brian think car-surfing was OK? What could I have done to stop this. After 3 years of beating myself up, I come to the same conclusion. NOTHING DIFFERENT. I did not even know he was doing this crazy thing.

Peace to you as you find your way. Anger is a part of grief, so is guilt - I had both - really bad. With the help of the people on this site, I have been able to deminish my anger and put my guilt where it belongs (sometimes).

Take care my friend. We are here to listen and help you walk these roads that are so dark and full of pot-holes.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever.

[shorty16]

Kathy

Thank you for sharing your feelings about the thought that because you have Tavian, that should make the loss of our child easier. OMG

That is like saying, because I have another son (Aaron), that should make the loss of Brian less painful. That is so far from the truth. Aaron is Aaron, he is not Brian. While I do see a bit of Brian in Aaron in things he says and does, by no means does he replace my Brian.

I am enjoying watching Tavian grow and you sharing the stories of success with Tavian and the sadness that evelopes him sometimes. I feel like a vitual grandma to that young man. Thank you for that.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Carol-Thanks for the birthday wishes. The most important thing right now is getting yourself and Mike through these treatments. I hope that the next weeks go by quickly and smoothly for you both. Take care of Mike, but don't forget to take care of you too.

Kathy-I am sorry that people make it sound like Tavian is a replacement for Jessica, as if people are interchangeable in our lives. Once you love someone, especially your child, no one else can quite fill the part of your heart where they live. When you add someone to those you love, your heart just expands to include them, and if they ever leave, they always leave a hole. I loved the little picture you posted of Jessica as a 3 year old, so precious and sweet.

Lorri-Good luck to Kody. I hope you're feeling okay.

Dee-Are you back at work yet? I hope you're feeling okay too and got a good report.

We took fresh flowers to the cemetery late last night and they may have frozen overnight, but I hope not. I worked all day and only had a couple of meltdowns. I think it was better that way for me anyway. I feel a little better now that the "big" days are over, the holidays and anniversary and birthday. Even when I tell myself that they are all just days, we all know that some sting more than others.

Keeping all of you in my thoughts as we struggle through, especially all of the new people here.

[dwsmithrn]

hi my indigo friends/family....guess i did make it through yesterday. thank you all so much for your birthday wishes for my precious nathan. we did not have a celebration (of sorts) for him this year, but i am having the angelversary thing on saturday night. one whole year. i took out nathan's baby book and read through it. his 2-day old baby picture taken at the hospital looks nothing like my 32 y/o child. funny how they grow and change so much. i found a page where i wrote....Nathan: hebrew- a gift. he was a gift. i just don't know why i had to give my gift back so soon. that's the part that hurts so much. how do we ever understand? and maybe we are not supposed to understand. but we yearn to know all of the reasons.

my daughter and son-in-law did not make it to mississippi after all. my SIL's mother is in ICU with blood clots in her lungs. she is in a very serious and dangerous situation. she has already lost one half usage of one lung. they are trying to get the clots dissolved so we will see what happens. they don't know any news yet or how long she will be there. it's just a wait and see game right now.

my two sons that did go to MS called me last night and we had a good chat. they were quite sad yesterday and also some good laughs with nathan. i'm glad they are together. their grandmother is very ill and i know she is glad they are there to see her. i don't know what her outcome will be. she will be 86 in march.

it was good to talk to all of my children though. they knew i would be having a rough day and they DID think of me....i felt better knowing they wanted to talk to me.

with my daughter close at heart again and the boys calling and my hubby here and my best friends helpings us with the angelversary, i feel like my family is coming together again. i think things will be ok.

just want to thank ALL of you for your thoughts and birthday wishes for nathan and to DAN for the beautiful picture....i so love it. thanks to everyone for trying to make the day a little kinder on my heart.

love, diane

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Diane...I'm glad that yesterday passed in a relatively good way. Those special events are always what seems to bring us to a point of painful reflection. It was great to see that your family is coming together and helping each other through this. I love your description of Nathan's name. He truly was a gift to your family and the lives of all he touched. I don't think we were ever meant to understand the why of such heartache. But oh, weren't we lucky to have had them... if even for such a short time? They blessed our lives and taught us the meaning of unconditional love.

So sorry to read of your SIL's mother. I will keep her in my prayers. I hope they are keeping her as comfortable as possible. Take care.

[shorty16]

Diane

It warms my heart to hear about your family coming together. It takes a while for each of us to find our place again.

I can remember several people saying to me "It was Brian's time" or "He is in a better place now." All I could think of saying (screaming) is "I was not done with him yet!" "I want him here with me." The people who say that may never have lost a child.

When my mother died - I could say she was in a better place. She lived a good life and saw her children grow, marry and have children of their own. As for Brian - that was all taken away.

You and your family will survive this. We will always grieve for our children, but we do move on in their name.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

WELL I POOPED. FEELING BETTER. LOL.

DREADING NXT MO. KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT -CARGAL BIRTHDAY. WOULD HAVE BEEN ANNIVERSARY 5 YRS. DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THE FIRST. AND OF COURSE VALENTINES. SHE ALWAYS THOUGHT SHE WLD CLEAN UP IN FEBRUARY.

HOPE ALL IS WELL. OR AS WELL AS CAN BE

[ericasmom]

Lorri, much easier to feel better now? Good.

Rhonda, thanks, I did not take any days off, I just had the procedure done on a school holiday, Dr. King's Birthday. I am still sitting here waiting for results.

Diane, so glad that you made it through a hard day with so much love evident and in place.

Love to all, school is crazy busy right now, and it is snowing one inch per hour as I speak, so it started at 11:00 and it still is coming down, small flakes, big snow they say. Love it.

[Littletenderness]

Becky, sorry that your birthday was so difficult. I understand that. My birthday is in April, just two weeks after Eri's, so that first year, her birthday and then mine were a difficult time but since then, I have been able to love Eri's birthday again. I do love the date that brought her to us. On our first of her birthdays after she died, we had several of her good friends over and a few of mine, her Dad came over and of course my Son. We had a cake and we toasted Eri for all that she brought to our lives. Hang in there. Losing the cat is so sad too, but like you said, the cat is with her best Buddy Jared now.

LT, anger is one piece of grief for many. Prior to coming here, did you post with any other grief site?

Hello Dee, to answer your question about other grief sites.....I posted on the forum for M.A.D.D. Mothers Against Drunk Driving for a while. It was a life saver for me as I could vent away and not be judged, only listened to with a recognised compassion. My daughter was happily driving along a two way road when a guy who had drunk eight pints of Lager, two whisky chasers, smoked Cannabis and snorted Cocaine, came around a bend at 90mph and forgot to straighten up. He crossed the white line to her side and curved into the drivers door of my daughters car crushing her with the force of 7,000 tons of metal. He horseshoed her car, his engine flew out of his car into her poor little body and her own engine came up through the steering column crushing her. Her death was completely preventable and I will never forgive her murderer. He took her life and our own lives away when he made the decision to get behind the wheel in the state he was in. The anger is still there after eight years as you can see. Thankyou for asking xx

[daveydow1]

Dee------Has the snow hit Chicago yet? We will be getting snow tonight, and had a lot of

blowing & drifting yesterday. Took me an hour and a half to travel 40 mi. from my daughter's

home where I had been to change my son-in-law's dressing (after recent shoulder surgery), and

help out with the kids etc. Roads were awful.......35 mph all the way home. This is the first

snow, to speak of, that we've had this winter, so we've been lucky. Stay warm.

Amy-----Thinking of you as the 2 yr. mark comes up. May sweet Ashley smile down & warm your heart.

Amandasmom------My heart goes out to you as you come to the 8 wk. mark. So very early on in

this journey, and everyone here knows the sorrow & pain that you are having. Peace & prayers, friend.

Lt----As others have said, .....anger surely is a part of the grief process. So understandable for you

to feel anger toward the drunken driver. Wishing you can find some peace in your memories of

your sweet Laura.

Becky------I can certainly identify with your sorrow over the death of your cat......Jared's pet. My cat,

Brownie, had to be put to sleep in November, and she was with us when our son, David, was still

living. To me.....it seemed like losing a vital link to him, when she died. I know it must be a very sad

time for you,...I'm sorry. Peace & prayers.

Colleen------Oh, friend.......I can hear the pain & sorrow in your words as you write about Brian's death,

and the way that he died. So excruciatingly painful to have to bury a beautiful, young, vibrant teenager

with his life ahead of him. I'm so sorry, Colleen. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Lorrie----Glad to hear that you're feeling better.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

My 27 yr old son and his father were on their way to a fishing tournament; they were in Curtis F250 pulling the camper/trailer in high winds (65 or higher). They were not wearing seat belts. The trailer flipped in a cross wind...rolling the truck. The truck slid almost 100 feet on the highway, completely obliterating the cab of the pick up. They walked away without a scratch, bump or bruise. Somehow, his dad's coffee cup was still full...didn't spill a drop. "Dang, Son...we're sliding upside down!" was what his dad said. After they got home they loaded up the Toyota Tacoma and returned to the derby. I literally got on my knees and thanked God.

Most of you know the miracle that Amanda is so I won't go into it - but, for you newbies, my 32 yr old daughter should not have lived to see her 1st birthday, let alone her 32nd. She had a pace maker put in last month - - or the month before...I lose track of time.

Begs the question........Why not Stephanie? Why not your children? I'm in a grateful frame of mind and an analytical frame as well...but, maybe.........could it be.........there is a time and purpose to all things? Could it be we do have a God that is involved in the happenings of us humans?

Curtis says the reason nothing happened to them is he and his dad were talking about Jesus when they flipped the truck. There will be no living with him now for sure. He was already what I would call a "Jesus Freak". Hell, after this, I'm tempted to become one myself.

Stephanie had only been gone for a few days when I demanded God return her to me RIGHT NOW! "Do you hear me? I want her back right now." I demanded, alone in my room - as I made the bed. To say God answered me sounds ridiculous, but my thoughts were interrupted immediately with a whispered, "She was never yours."

After Steph died I went through an atheist phase. It was made difficult by the fact that I kept talking - more like screaming at - the God I no longer believed in.

I had been through so much in my lifetime already. Severe abuse of every kind. Being ripped from my mother and sisters and all of us raised in foster homes (for the next 8 years). Violent deaths in my family. My grandmother - who raised us until foster homes - was raped, beaten and buried alive by two men. My nephew and brother in law drowned. My other nephew killed himself. All of Amanda's health problems. Stephanie's addictions. Having her children virtually kidnapped from us by her ex husband - not knowing where they were for over a year and to have them returned to us when the state found them raped, beaten and tortured. My mother's death. My sister's death. Six weeks after Stephanie was reunited with her children she was killed in a "stupid" accident.

And, tonight, I'm just telling you all.......I believe.

If my son had lost his life today, this would be a very different post. Then I don't think I would believe. So, my "faith" is unstable and I wouldn't give it any respect. But, certainly, something bigger than us is at work.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Curtis wreck

[Sabs]

[Sabs]

Hi -- I have not posted in a while..but I have been reading all your posts and they have all resonated with me and helped so much. I have been able to identify so much with all you say, it makes me feel less alone, more understood and less crazy. Blu is gone ten weeks now and often what I am feeling is just Nothing...empty.....which in one sense feels better than the panic and the inability to breathe, but at some stage during the day...that catches up as well.

I am interested in what you have been discussing re souls and spirit - a friend gave me a book by a medium and it gave me great comfort...I went out and bought four more ! I am in the process of trying to get to see a medium/spiritualist at the end of Feb when my husband and I are going to visit his brother in NY.

Today my husbands 1st cousin Dara (which makes him Blu's second cousin I think) and a very close and dear friend of ours, is a year gone. He went far two soon at 46 years of age and it was a sudden sudden unexpected death this time last year. We spent the day with his mum and dad and his wife, who also happens to be my closest friend. (I met my husband through her and Dara and we would not have been together if it were not for the two of them) Blu is buried beside Dara and we had the blessing of his grave and headstone which went up today.

It was a surreal experience to be standing in the graveyard, where we buried Dara this time last year, but now my daughter is beside him. I stood looking at his grave beside my daughters, his mum beside me, she is in her late seventies and his dad in his eighties, both devastated on his 1st anniversary and me beside them with blu just over two months gone and I thought it doesn't matter how long, the pain can not go. You guys talked about 'a club' and its so true, despite the time frames, despite our age difference, we were united in grief and in the fact that our children are buried beside each other, and I hope in spirit. We are lucky to have a very very spiritual and special priest in our parish who conducted both of their funerals and has been supporting us through our grief. He is a great admirer of the poet John O'Donoghue, who was a parish priest here in the 90's before he left the priesthood. He is an amazing writer and I think he captures so much in his words. You are probably all familiar with is work, so I apologize if its something you have posted before my time, in the event that some of you don't know him, his words may resonate and comfort.

The day before yesterday, I was feeling empty - a nothingness and I went and stood in Blu's room. I talked to her and told her that I felt she was helping me by holding off the pain - I told her that she was my heart and soul. That she was every beat of my heart and her name was whispered in every breath I took. Very shortly after that her dad came home after being out for a long walk and he told me he brought me back a present. He handed me the most perfect heart shaped stone he found in the mountain. I just knew or at least I hoped it to be true that it was from Blu to say...yes...I'm here, I hear you and you are my heart and I am yours.

So for my good friend Dara and my precious Blu...My love and thoughts today and always. Thank you all for your posts....just reading them ...helps x.

Grief:

When you lose someone you love, 
Your life becomesstrange,
 The ground beneath you becomes fragile,
 Your thoughts make your eyesunsure;
 And some dead echo drags your voice down
 Where words have no confidence
 Yourheart has grown heavy with loss;
 And though this loss has wounded others too,
 Noone knows what has been taken from you 
When the silence of absence deepens.

Flickers of guilt kindle regret
 For all that was leftunsaid or undone.

There are days when you wake up happy;
 Again inside thefullness of life, 
Until the moment breaks 
And you are thrown back 
Onto theblack tide of loss.
 Days when you have your heart back, 
You are able tofunction well 
Until in the middle of work or encounter, 
Suddenly with nowarning,
 You are ambushed by grief.

It becomes hard to trust yourself.
 All you can depend onnow is that
 Sorrow will remain faithful to itself. 
More than you, it knows itsway
 And will find the right time
 To pull and pull the rope of grid f
Until thatcoiled hill of tears 
Has reduced to its last drop.

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance 
With theinvisible form of your departed; 
And when the work of grief is done,
 The woundof loss will heal
 And you will have learned
 To wean your eyes
 From that gap inthe air
 And be able to enter the hearth 
In your soul where your loved one
 Hasawaited your return 
All the time.

John O’Donohue

For a Parent on the Death of a Child

No one knows the wonder

Your child awoke in you,

Your heart a perfect cradle

To hold its presence.

Inside and outside became one

As new waves of love

Kept surprising your soul.

Now you sit bereft

Inside a nightmare,

Your eyes numbed

By the sight of a grave

No parent should ever see.

You will wear this absence

Like a secret locket,

Always wondering why

Such a new soul

Was taken home so soon.

Let the silent tears flow

And when your eyes clear

Perhaps you will glimpse

How your eternal child

Has become the unseen angel

Who parents your heart

And persuades the moon

To send new gifts ashore.

~ John O’Donohue ~

On The Death Of The Beloved

— John O’Donohue

Though we need to weep your loss,
 Youdwell in that safe place in our hearts,
 Where no storm or night or pain canreach you.

Your love was like the dawn 
Brighteningover our lives
 Awakening beneath the dark
 A further adventure of colour.

The sound of your voice
Found forus
 A new music
 That brightened everything.

Whatever you enfolded in yourgaze
 Quickened in the joy of its being;
 You placed smiles like flowers
 On thealtar of the heart.
 Your mind always sparkled 
With wonder at things.

Though your days here were brief,
 Yourspirit was live, awake, complete.

We look towards each other nolonger
 From the old distance of our names;
 Now you dwell inside the rhythm ofbreath,
 As close to us as we are to ourselves.

Though we cannot see you withoutward eyes,
 We know our soul’s gaze is upon your face,
 Smiling back at usfrom within everything 
To which we bring our best refinement.

Let us not look for you only inmemory,
 Where we would grow lonely without you.
 You would want us to find youin presence,
 Beside us when beauty brightens,
 When kindness glows


And musicechoes eternal tones.

When orchids brighten the earth, 
Darkestwinter has turned to spring ;
May this dark grief flower with hope 
In everyheart that loves you.

May you continue to inspire us:

To enter each day with a generousheart. 
To serve the call of courage and love 
Until we see your beautiful faceagain
 In that land where there is no more separation,
 Where all tears will

bewiped from our mind,
 And where we will never lose you again.


[Jeff's Mom]

Sabs, it's nice to hear from you again. I am so glad you are getting the support that you are from family and friends... and your parish priest. Your faith can be a great strength and support to you at this time. I know it is easy to lose faith when we are given a difficult burden to carry such as this. But hold on... and hold on tight as it will give you such comfort when you do indeed feel lost and alone. It is all that keeps me going...quite literally. I do not blame God for what happened to my son. God has offered his hand to me in this trial and I am going to let him take it and I am holding on to him with all my might... he is carrying me as I am not able to make it on my own at this point. I had lost my faith but in my son's death I have found it again.

You will slowly begin to rebuild your life again. It will be changed. But you can and will do it. Blu would want you to be strong and live whatever time you have in the best way that you are able. Stay strong and remember all her wonderful qualities and goodness. She is just a heartbeat away. Her memory will never die. Take care. God bless.

Kate

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my Indigo family: I just wanted to say to SAB, that the rock that your sweet husband brought to you, was very likely from your precious Blu. You were standing in her room, talking to her, and this message from her was brought home to you. We've had many "heart" sitings from our son, and either we have the heart here, or we have a picture of it. I have found that many times when we are speaking to or about Mike (our son, Mike died of brain cancer in Oct of 2006, at the age of 31), especially if it is a truly deep discussion or one full of meaning regarding something happening, we will some way or another, hear from him right then or shortly thereafter. Others here have had "visits" from their child, and it seems that you, also, have. I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter, Blu. She sounds like a wonderful person, and thank you for sharing her with us. And thank you for sharing the beautiful writings you posted. I had not read this author before, and his words are eloquent.

Susannah: Oh, man, oh man, oh man, oh man....Yes, indeed, faith is a tumultuous thing, isn't it? I am so thankful that Curtis and his dad weren't injured...what an incredible thing to happen! You have been through so much, Susannah, you and your whole family, and yet that seed of faith still is firmly implanted into your mind and your soul. It is okay to scream at God...I was told once that "He can take it." And, yes, I am sure that if the outcome of that accident was otherwise, your post would have been different. But, that's allowed, my friend. You are allowed. You are given a carved out road to your own convictions, even when they confuse you. You've shared some of that confusion with us now and again, and in that sharing, you've opened up some new ideas, at least for me, and I'm sure for many here. One of the most important was that you didn't believe that our child feels anything when they die. You worried that Steph had been hurt so badly, and then your daughter dreamed of Steph and that somebody was behind her, and that, if I remember correctly, "she was lifted away from that accident before she was ever hurt". I find such comfort in that thought; that they are gone before there is any feeling of the pain and suffering that might occur at the moment of death, or the moments just before. Thank you for sharing, and again, I am so thankful that Curtis and his dad are okay.

Colleen: I really liked your "I'm not done with him yet!" Thank you for sharing your love, your grief, and your healing with all of us.

Sherry: I am so sorry it took you so long to come home through the snow, but so glad that you made it okay.

LT: Your anger seems very justified to me...I don't know how I would handle that, but I know that I would be pretty damned angry, and don't know if it would ever go away. My heart to you as you walk this road.

Dee: Would love to be sharing in that 1" per hour snowfall...we've had a couple of inches in the last few days, expecting a couple more tomorrow, but nothing significant. I hope you are able to go out and walk through the newly covered world after it is done snowing. Holding you close in prayer and thought while you sit and wait for the results of your test.

Lorri: So good to hear that you are feeling better. Did Kody hear about the job yet?

Rhonda: I am so glad that you were able to get through yesterday okay; I guess you knew best for yourself by going into work.

Amandasmom, Becky, Rachel, so many other new parents here over the last couple of weeks...I am so very sorry for your loss, and sorry for the pain you are feeling now. I am glad that you have come to BI, and please share your children with us...we love to hear about each other's precious child.

Mike is not feeling well tonight. He completed the 2nd week of chemo and radiation today, was feeling okay till about an hour or so ago. I think it is that "week of treatments" building up over the days, and then by Friday night, Saturday morning, it hits him like a brick. His labs are still doing well, though, and that is a very good thing. Most especially, the kidney function, as they were very worried about the impact on that.

Got to go..he needs me again.

Take care all...holding you all close in prayers and thought each day, as always.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Thanks to all of you that posted about us losing Jared's favorite cat, KiKi. We miss her, but am consoled thinking that the two are now together...

Dee: I hope you are feeling better and that you have some good news to share with us regarding your tests. I am praying for you. I have been there, and it is scary.

Susannah: Oh my goodness! So glad that Curtis and his dad are Ok! Wow, they got another vehicle and kept right on going?? I am sorry for what life has thrown at you. I have had some of the same, and have always managed to bounce back, but this time has really knocked me for a loop. Losing Jared was the single worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I am still reeling.

Today, I talked with the Department of Transportation peeps to see what if anything they are going to do about the speed limit on our rural road, which is currently 50 mph. I was polite at first, but the further we got in the conversation, the Irish in me came to surface, and all this pain and loss took me over, and I gave them a straight up piece of my mind! I reminded them that we worked to gather 915 signatures on a petition to lower the speed limit! We have 22 homes on a half mile stretch, and 50 mph is entirely too fast. They have said they are going to put some sort of "Speed Box" out here which tells the person driving by, how fast they are going. I don't know if it records the speed of the cars, but if not then it's about worthless. THEY ALREADY KNOW THEY ARE SPEEDING, and if there isn't law enforcement out here, no matter what the speed limit is, it won't STOP!

Very frustrating, and brought up a whole slew of feelings and questions that I haven't thought about for a while.

For those that are new, my 15 year old son, Jared, was killed while walking/skating 1/4 mile from our driveway, hit from behind by an SUV. No charges filed to date, but investigation is ongoing. Driver was going 50 mph, which is within the speed limit (unposted) but never touched the brakes at all, and Jared bled to death before EMS could arrive.

No police reports yet, no autopsy, no idea what really happened.... I feel like I am losing my mind.

[Guest msnher]

Becky - Yes, it's been a rough life, but full of hope and promise. I always had hope. I have long ago put all that nonsense behind me, where it belongs. The only reason I bring any of it up is to make the point that I never lost faith until Stephanie died. Like you, it has been the single most painful event in my life.

Carol - Bless your soothing words! Yes, I have sorted through a lot on this site...not always finding my way. Today is no different. I am not comfortable posting here anymore, but I didn't know where else I could go to talk out how scared this made me. Thank you, my friend!

[ericasmom]

Sabs, a lovely post, thank you too, for your beautiful way of letting us know more about you and Blu and the family around you. I felt the quiet and sadness on the gravesites. Where in Ireland are you, not that I have ever been but many friends have. I will look up the poet you speak of as I love poetry but cannot admit to know the names of many offhand. I love the heart shaped stone that your Hubs brought to you.

Sus, glad that Curtis is fine and that your faith is in place.

LT, I am glad that you had a place in which to share your story prior to coming here. I am just behind you by a few months, Eri dying in July of 2003 and I too, don't know what I would have done if I had not found a place, this place to unload my ache with others that knew what it was. I went to therapy at around the same time as joining here, both were the right moves for sure. The loss of our Babies never goes away of course, we learn to adjust our lives in order to live with the hole of their leaving. I guess the way I feel now is that I fill that hole with all things about Eri or inspired by her. But the loss will always be here, with us.

Sherry, driving anywhere in this area today became quite treacherous. Luckily for me, i am only 3 miles from work so I drove slowly home, but folks on the highways had some very long commutes and 700 flights have been cancelled at O'Hare and Midway airports. I went for a walk before dinner though and it was gorgeous. About 7inches of snow, it was still coming down at the time, and the sled hill two blocks from us was packed with kids. Love seeing that. It is one of the hills we frequented when the kids were small. Makes my heart happy and nostalgic all in one.

[ericasmom]

Carol, so glad to see you this night before I go to bed. Good to see you. I know the heart shaped stone is a great smile maker for me because of your amazing Mike the Messenger of hearts.

Becky, thanks for asking and the procedure I had was inconclusive so I will have to do some more stuff next month...keep after those who might be able to change the laws. Persistence and hope to you. Those speed boxes have been used regularly around here when the township is thinking of adding a light or stop sign or if the patterns of traffic have changed. Good luck.

[mikesmum]

Sabs ~ Thank you for the words of John O’Donohue. We are often bereft of words when it comes to describing the world we now live in to those who we hope will have to know.

Colleen ~ It hard. I don't think Brians death was 'murder' persae. I do believe there a certain amount of accountability and cuplability for Mike (driver) that needed to be addressed in court. I do remember you wearing the crown of the queen of anger and guilt. I also think at any given time we all wear that same crown.

Sus ~ I look at the picture and think how? No seatbelts, rolled, crushed. Truly amazing.

Dee ~ Hoping the next phase in 'what is that' is a simple non invasive procedure.

Kathy ~ Oh know you didn't has many of these ill thoughtout words to make 'them' feel okay. I have Melissa Steven and a gaggle of grandies...it didn't lessen my loss, it might have made living worthwhile. I still lost a child of my heart, my soul.

Diane ~ So glad to hear you had the support on Nathan's day albeit from a distance. Hoping the family coming together gathers momentum for you.

Lorri ~ Proving that this is not just a sad forum, so glad to hear the earth has moved literally for you..

For those battling the system or trying to affect change in relation to the death of your child. Remember those you are dealing with have not had the experience of losing someone. Checking the 'legals' researching where to find strengths and inflitrate weaknesses to affect change can be a bonus.

For me ~ I am pushing for a National Drug register that prevent prescription medications being overly prescribed and dispensed. It requires lobbying, education and awarenss all bogged down within numerous government departments. Its slow, its frustrating but we have had some minor wins. Mike's doctor who prescribed him Oxycodone and many other narcotics with out government authority and many times without assessing his progess has been bought before the medical board and found negligent in his management of Mike. He no longer works at the clinic where Mike attended for 10yrs. His disciplinary action also led to further awareness and education being warranted for any practitioner prescribing these narcotics long term....small steps

[Jeff's Mom]

Sabs, a lovely post, thank you too, for your beautiful way of letting us know more about you and Blu and the family around you. I felt the quiet and sadness on the gravesites. Where in Ireland are you, not that I have ever been but many friends have. I will look up the poet you speak of as I love poetry but cannot admit to know the names of many offhand. I love the heart shaped stone that your Hubs brought to you.

Sus, glad that Curtis is fine and that your faith is in place.

LT, I am glad that you had a place in which to share your story prior to coming here. I am just behind you by a few months, Eri dying in July of 2003 and I too, don't know what I would have done if I had not found a place, this place to unload my ache with others that knew what it was. I went to therapy at around the same time as joining here, both were the right moves for sure. The loss of our Babies never goes away of course, we learn to adjust our lives in order to live with the hole of their leaving. I guess the way I feel now is that I fill that hole with all things about Eri or inspired by her. But the loss will always be here, with us.

Sherry, driving anywhere in this area today became quite treacherous. Luckily for me, i am only 3 miles from work so I drove slowly home, but folks on the highways had some very long commutes and 700 flights have been cancelled at O'Hare and Midway airports. I went for a walk before dinner though and it was gorgeous. About 7inches of snow, it was still coming down at the time, and the sled hill two blocks from us was packed with kids. Love seeing that. It is one of the hills we frequented when the kids were small. Makes my heart happy and nostalgic all in one.

Dee...happy to hear the news about your tests...yet sad that you still have more to face.

I wanted to ask you all to keep a young nineteen year old woman in your prayers today. She died a couple of days ago while driving across a very icy bridge. She had not been driving for long and was excited to be behind the wheel of her first and brand new vehicle. She was on the way to a job interview. She lost control of her car and slammed into a guard rail. The rail broke and she fell to her death on the riverbank head first.

Also, a prayer for Sarah Burke. A Canadian skier that suffered a fateful accident last week. She passed away on Wednesday after a week in ICU. As she was in the states at the time her family have been given a bill for $500,000. and they are on the hook to pay it. For whatever reason she was not covered by insurance for this particular event. Both young and vibrant women with so much to live for. Gone.

Carol...hoping that Ralph is feeling a bit better today.

Weather is finally starting to warm up. Back to above normal by tomorrow. Thank goodness! Off to a social event for a good friend of Jeff's this evening. Looking forward to seeing all of his friends gathered again. I am so pleased to see this young guy getting married. He was one that we never thought a woman would get to the alter! We were wrong.

Colleen...I am just curious. The young boy that was driving the car. Well, how is he dealing with this? Is there any remorse? Had they been drinking or just horsing around? I'll bet his life has been forever altered by what happened as well. At least you would sure hope he changed his attitude. Do you think you will ever be able to forgive him? How old were they again? My son when he was around that age used to go camping with a group of friends. I found out at his funeral just some of the things they got up to on those weekend outings. Guys that age can do the stupidest things. They think they are invincible. Thank God, nobody was hurt in his case. But the possibility was definitely there.

[dwsmithrn]

here it is....one year angelversary.... i did not sleep last night...i thought if i fell asleep, then this day would not come....but it came, after a very long night and many, many tears. there is nothing i can do....YES!...i went through that begging stage...'i want him back! give him back to me!...i also said, 'i asked you to make him well and healthy, not kill him!' and once stood out in the middle of the street and screamed. i should be glad someone didn't just wrap me up and take me away... on some days i still beg god to give him back. i am still mad at god. i don't profess to be an atheist, but i am mad. not as angry as i once was, but still mad. i still want my child back, but i want him back whole and healthy and happy. i have been listening to a religious radio station thinking maybe there will be something that will give me hope. SOMETHING!

colleen...i think we feel and think so much alike. i could be in your mind when i read your posts. it is kind of scary.....

susannah...i am so thankful that curtis and his dad are ok. that picture blew my mind. i can see why your relationship with god is up and down. so is mine. i don't know what to believe or what is real or not. it's hard to understand why a child has to die anyway, especially when it is ours...

and i hate any of those stupid things people say when they have no idea what to say.....like "well, at least you have 3 others" another one for the 'book'....

i need something or someone to hold on to. i still feel like i am holding on to a string. and if that string breaks, well, i don't know where i will be.

i am sorry for all the newbies here. i am so sorry you have to belong to this 'club' to have to walk this 'journey' with us. there are no words i can give you today, this the first angelversary of my beloved nathan. my beautiful, second born, blonde, curly headed precious little boy...why did he have to go? i want answers. i just want to see him again....not later, but now.

sads...thanks for the poetry. i really like it. i will look up the poet up and see if i can purchase a book.

i need to go and shed some tears for my nathan.

hope today is kind to you all..............love, diane

[ericasmom]

NATHAN- sweep in and hold your Momma close letting her feel the warmth of your love and the peace that you now have and give her a strengthened string to hold onto so that she feels that she is on firmer ground. Let her know Nathan, that she is far stronger than she thinks and that she can walk this path and find more light as she goes.

NATHAN, your name is true, a gift from God. You are deeply missed and always loved.

[vivkib]

HI everyone, Hope you're all doing well today on your healing road. I have to thank a few for a very special time yesterday in the chat room. Ambersmomma, lindsaygirl, and heart, without you guys being there I don't think I would be feeling a bit better today. Just talking and sharing ALL DAY made a big differance for me today. It was a great reliese of hurt and pain, being able to laugh and cry and just talk to others who know the thoughts and feeling of what I'm going through. Thank you for the non-judgmental love you showed, you don't know how hard it was for me to open up about the way Kevin died. Again, THANK YOU. See you in chat soon. Thoughts and prayers to everyone. Kevin's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Remembering Nathan. Holding you close, Diane!

[Sabs]

Hi Dee, I live in Galway, it is over on the West Coast. My husband is from Dublin, the capital and we have spend a lot of time up there since Blu passed- finding it can be easier to 'keep moving' to try and distract the head and heart. . Where we live in Galway is about half an hour - 45 mins out - its an area called Connemara - very beautiful and wild. I'm sorry to hear you have not been well. Glad you and the others like John O'Donoghues poetry...he was also a beautiful speaker and while it is not related to grief - there is two audio books available on iTunes of talks that he gave and they are very interesting. He has written a number of books, all of them very spiritual and moving.

Sabs, a lovely post, thank you too, for your beautiful way of letting us know more about you and Blu and the family around you. I felt the quiet and sadness on the gravesites. Where in Ireland are you, not that I have ever been but many friends have. I will look up the poet you speak of as I love poetry but cannot admit to know the names of many offhand. I love the heart shaped stone that your Hubs brought to you.

Sus, glad that Curtis is fine and that your faith is in place.

LT, I am glad that you had a place in which to share your story prior to coming here. I am just behind you by a few months, Eri dying in July of 2003 and I too, don't know what I would have done if I had not found a place, this place to unload my ache with others that knew what it was. I went to therapy at around the same time as joining here, both were the right moves for sure. The loss of our Babies never goes away of course, we learn to adjust our lives in order to live with the hole of their leaving. I guess the way I feel now is that I fill that hole with all things about Eri or inspired by her. But the loss will always be here, with us.

Sherry, driving anywhere in this area today became quite treacherous. Luckily for me, i am only 3 miles from work so I drove slowly home, but folks on the highways had some very long commutes and 700 flights have been cancelled at O'Hare and Midway airports. I went for a walk before dinner though and it was gorgeous. About 7inches of snow, it was still coming down at the time, and the sled hill two blocks from us was packed with kids. Love seeing that. It is one of the hills we frequented when the kids were small. Makes my heart happy and nostalgic all in one.

[vivkib]

OK, so I thought I was having a better day today but that just left me in a hurry. I read about someone else lossing a child the same way I lost Kevin and the anger just hit so hard. Another family that has to go through this pain and the search for the answers that will never be found. I'm so sorry for the rough road we all have to travel and I wish there was a way to smooth the road for us all. It's coming up on 4months without my Kevin and I don't know how much more I'm expected to take. I can't seem to move ahead, than I hear of another family lossing thier child and I wan;t to scream and cry. Just feels like I'm going to go crazy. Sorry for the vent, but don't know what else to do.

[shorty16]

Kevin's Mom

4 weeks in still so very new to this jouney. Please be kind to yourself. At 4 months, I was still not able to think straight. I did go back to work, 4 days a week, because (for me) it forced me to think of something else - if even for a minute.

You are doing the best you can with this terrible situation we find ourselves in.

My son died car-surfing. A nightmare for all of us. 3.5 years later, I am still in dis-belief on how Brian died. My family has learned to live again, but very very slowly.

My daughter (21) was with Brian when he died (she was not part of the stunt). Just recently, she asked to see a professional. She has nightmares and flashbacks. We are supporting her the best we can.

Take care my friend. We are here to help you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother FOrever

[mysonrich]

Nathan Nathan Nathan, held close in a never ending circle of love. Diane, a true day today of snow and ice ,a cold wind that blows. It sure seems as if this is what we face after our children die. What you may feel at times as an unrelenting pain. A broken heart. A prayer today for Nathan and all that he is. A prayer for you and your family,may you feel the warm breeze of spring upon you once again ,in memory of your son's life.

[shorty16]

Nathan

Nathan

Nathan

May your wings brush against your mothers cheeks to let her know you are OK and with our angels.

Diane - Such dis-belief that our kids are gone, but I hope the love and understanding you get from this site will help you through this day.

We will always say his name - Nathan

Colleen

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Nathan Nathan Nathan I pray for yor family today hope you send Angel kisses to yor family

Hugs and Prayers Robs MOm

[shorty16]

Kate

Brian was 16, Mike (driver) was 17, Sam (passenger who said he was also on the hood) was 16.

No alcohol or drugs were involved. None of these boys had criminal records. Many people have asked me if alcohol was involved and when I tell them no alcohol or drugs were involved, they just cannot believe 3 sober boys could do such a stupid thing.

My husband and I have talked about approaching Mike and wishing him a good life. My kids would be so angry if we did that. My kids just HATE Mike for the speed he was going. They both realize that Brian put himself in that situation, (we have talked alot about that)but still blame Mike because of the speed (68mph with 2 people on the hood of his car). Both other boys walked away. Brian died within minutes.

I do not know if Mike feels remorse. During the sentencing he stated "It feels like I lost a brother" However, this speach was infront of the judge that was going to impose sentencing on him. It benefited him to be remorseful at that time. Neither boy has ever appologized to us.

Mike was convicted as a felon for Homicide by neglegent use of a motor vehicle, and sentenced of 4 months in jail and then 5 years probation. A felony never goes away.

I will eventually forgive Mike, but I can do it without seeing him.

This whole thing is just ugly. I usually do not tell people how Brian died other than a car crash. I cannot call it an accident. Brian knew he was on the hood, Mike knew Brian was on the hood and Mike new that he was going very fast.

I feel every emotion at the same time. Before I can tell you what I feel, I have had 20 other emotions go through my head. It is crazy. I feel crazy sometimes, but coming to this site has taught me I am not crazy, just grieving.

Thanks for asking.

Colleen

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

Diane I am holding you close Nathan is in your heart and he is watching over you I am so so sorry for your pain. If i could I surely wold bring him and all the others back. Hugs and Prayers to you Again I am so so sorry for your pain

Robs Mom