Loss of an Adult Child

[Jeff's Mom]

Morning All, woke up to the magic of hoar frost. How utterly beautiful. Covering everything in sight. Off to the city to have lunch with an elderly lady (92) that lives alone. She is feeling blue due to living on her own. I got to thinking after I spoke to her last night. This woman had never married or had a family. Yet she has lived to this ripe old age. At least we have the beautiful memories of our children to give us comfort. She does not even have that.

Chris...hope you were able to get some much needed rest last night. You are stronger then you give yourself credit for. I cannot explain why things happen the way they do. I would love to take everyone's pain away today. But I can't. Try to find some peace today in focusing on one task. Don't be too hard on yourself. It will ease in time. The pain will definitely change.

Carol and Ralph/Mike...thinking of you and how things are going.

Susannah...how old are the grandbabies?

Peace and love to all today.

Kate

[shorty16]

Good Morning to my Indigo Friends,

Chris, I read every word of your story and the blame-game has begun. If anything will rip a family apart it is the blame-game.

My 16 year-old son was killed car-surfing. Something my husband and I never dreamed we would have to deal with. The driver is now a convicted felon at 18 for killing one of his best friends.

Hang on, there are many of us out here with stories that are something from a horror movie, but we survive with the help of each other.

Love to all my friends

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's!

I am honored to read the accounts of all the angel's leaving this life. I hold your stories dear to my heart with respect and knowing. I also love to read about the signs and manifestations our angels send. Just last night I dreamed of Stephanie. One of those dreams that I believe was a visit...not a dream. I believe the reason for the dream was because I dozed off I wondered what her last hours on earth was like. What was she thinking, feeling that morning. We believe she was having fun, but I wondered if she was...really. I need to preface last night's dream by recounting the dream I received about a week after everyone went home (after the funeral). I dreamed Stephanie was standing in front of me in front of our house. We didn't speak. I couldn't touch her but looked at her with a broken heart and longing. She gazed at me with a serene smile on her face. As I gazed at her, still longing, she began to ascend backwards and up - to the sky. Her gaze never leaving my face, her smile never leaving hers. As she ascended she began to glow. The further she went the brighter she became until I could no longer make out her features...she was just light - like a star in the sky. Well, last night I dreamed that I was trying to remember the last time I saw her and Stephanie interrupted my dream, reminding me that I have "seen" her since the last time. "Don't forget the dream I sent you." She said. And, then it was like a video of all the signs...the bird that landed on my shoulder, the owls, the dreams. I'm so grateful for the signs. They help me carry on.

I'm thinking of all the parents we haven't heard from in a while.

Packages to New Hampshire and Iowa are in the mail - Hooray for me! Peanut is getting neutered today. I hope that curbs his desire to mark everything. If not, he will become an outside cat very quickly.

I'm going to try to get some energy and clean the house today....

[Guest msnher]

Kate, Jonathon is 7; Jasmine is 9 and Mariah is 10. They were 4, 6, & 7 when we got them. They are three of our fourteen grandchildren.

By the way, Everyone, I just want to report that Amanda is doing quite well. The pacemaker has improved her quality of life dramatically.

[shorty16]

Chris, Amelia's Dad,

Our good friend, Marcia runs the Compasionate Friend's (CF) Group in the Southern Nevada Area. She also lost a daughter, Bethany (17).

Marcia and Larry provided me with the e-mail address to the CF group in the event you and your family choose to take part.

TCF [tcfsouthernnevada@embarqmail.com]

Marcia is a wonderful woman who knows what you are and will-be going through.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Susannah, I am so glad to hear about Amanda and that the pacemaker has improveed her quality of life. YEAH.

Also, thanks for the uplifting e-mail about your visit from Stephanie. Like you, I miss my boy more than words can say. Seeing his cousins grow up and having my Brian frozen at 16 - really hard.

But, I have been trying to think of positive things when those sad thoughts come to my head.

Kate - Frost on everything, that is beautiful. We are unseasonably warm (40F) and it is raining. This should be snow. Many people around here do outdoor sports and many businesses cater to them. The economy would benefit from a big snow-fall (not that I am asking for one).

Love you all

Colleen

[Amelia'sDaddy]

Colleen- Thank you for the link. I have actually looked into TCF in my area and am very much thinking about going to meetings starting next month. As far as the blame game goes, my dad and stepmom are the only ones playing it, and they will wind up paying a very steep price indeed. They all but destroyed their relationship with Amelia's mom and stepdad. After many of the hurtful things my dad has said to me, I won't say our relationship is destroyed, or even damaged (though deep down it is and I'm the only one that sees it), it is very much different and I don't know that it will change.

Kate- Thank you. I do try not to be hard on myself, but I blame myself for a lot of things in this situation. I know that I shouldn't, and I hope that with time maybe I can forgive myself but right now there is just this immense, overwhelming guilt that I can't seem to shake and it seems to get a little worse every day.

Carrie- This has been a very surreal experience. Nothing seems real right now even though I know it is. It is a very intense pain that doesn't go away right now and I just can't help but think that this is how it will be the rest of my life.

Jenn- Thank you for your words. Amelia loved her some purple, that much is for sure!

I won't say I slept great last night but I think I slept, and that's all I can ask for. Today starts with a new set of challenges and I just hope to be able to get through it without wanting to lose my mind. As each new day comes, it's hard to imagine that the amount of time has been very short, yet has felt like an eternity at the same time. Anyways, thank you all again and I hope you all have a good day.

Chris

[ericasmom]

Chris, time is the most surreal part for me,and especially when I was newly delivered to this sadness. I felt that a thousand years had passed and yet that the accident that took Erica was just a day or so ago. ANy day with out Babies gone is an eternity, and yet, the days laid out in front of us prove that there is more. One day time will make a bit more sense but for me, it took a long while before it did. I went back to work at around week 6, I am a teacher and Eri was killed in July during school's summer break, so my going back was at the regular return to school. I was unsure if it would be something I could do, but my boss said, ' try it, if it does not feel right, we wil get a sub until you are ready to try again." Nice of her adn actually, turned out to be what was best for me.

Are you back in California or have you stayed on where your Daughter lived?

Col, so nice to see you, sweet to give that CF notice.

Susannah, glad to hear that Amanda is doing well.

[aim630]

Haven't posted in awhile, but wanted to tell Chris I read his account of Amelia with tears in my eyes. The reliving every moment, trying to change something and feeling guilt for not bring able to prevent it tear you apart. Please check out Compassionate Friends. I went to a few meetings after my 23 yr old Ashkey died, and it did help being with people who understa

Carol-Thinking of you and Mike, and sending prayers and strength your way.

Susannah-I'm glad to hear Amanda is doing well, and you felt Stephanie's presence last night. I wish I had more dreams of Ashley.

I dreamed of Ashley the other night, but it didn't seem like a visit, although I have had 2 dreams like that. In this one, I was waking her up, and she screamed at me she was already awake (sounds like old times!) I then wondered why, if she was still alive, would I need to come to this website. I also wanted to make sure she was ok before I left for work. it was like maybe I could protect her from anything bad happening if I just didn't leave.

Still reliving that day over and over. December 10, 2009 was the first time she almost died, although she made it until February 9, 2010. This time of year will always bring back bad memories.

Thinking of you all-wishing you all sweet dreams of your angels tonight.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

Sorry for the typos...using my iPad. I can't see all the links to YouTube you all post either...

[Jeff's Mom]

Susannah, I am so glad to hear about Amanda and that the pacemaker has improveed her quality of life. YEAH.

Also, thanks for the uplifting e-mail about your visit from Stephanie. Like you, I miss my boy more than words can say. Seeing his cousins grow up and having my Brian frozen at 16 - really hard.

But, I have been trying to think of positive things when those sad thoughts come to my head.

Kate - Frost on everything, that is beautiful. We are unseasonably warm (40F) and it is raining. This should be snow. Many people around here do outdoor sports and many businesses cater to them. The economy would benefit from a big snow-fall (not that I am asking for one).

Love you all

Colleen

Colleen..my husband and I have been to Madison and Spring Green several times over the years. We toured the Frank Loyd Wright ... Talliesin(sp)? home. Very much enjoyed our holiday.

It has been very damp and the humidity is extremely high the past few days. Driving back up to the lake the fog was like pea soup. We were glad to finally make it to our place before everything started to freeze again. They are calling for another week of very nice weather for us. Just a light dusting of snow.

Susannah...glad that Amanda has improved. A huge relief for all of you.

Well, my friends...off to watch the Canadian Tenors sing along with David Foster on his Christmas special. Peace and loving wishes for a good night rest to you all.

[Amelia'sDaddy]

Dee- Right now, for me it is very... I don't know how to describe it. I wake up with this feeling that I can't shake and everything starts to become clear again and it's like all I want to do is go back to bed but sleep doesn't bring much release unless I'm drugged (melatonin and a dose of nyquil- nothing really beyond that since not much else works and I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself to begin with) to the point that sleep comes within minutes. Friday will mark 8 weeks since the accident and the 24th will mark 2 months since Amelia passed away. I know it will take a while, but I hate the way I feel because I know I'm not the person I once was. I don't know that I will ever be that person again to be truthful, but I know that I still have obligations that I have to meet. I will be going back to work on January 3rd and I start classes up again on January 9th. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I am going to culinary school to become a chef one day. Amelia loved being in the kitchen, and she loved helping both me and her mom cook. She told me one time a few months ago that when she grew up, she wanted to be a chef just like me and I'm going back because I want to finish what I started- and to make her proud. I also feel like I have too much free time on my hands lately and sitting around a quiet house all day isn't really helping anything. I am back in California, though I still split time between here and Las Vegas. I plan to go back there for New Year's because it might be a while after the year starts before I'm back up there so I guess it's a bit of a last hurrah there for a while.

Amy- Thank you for your words. I do plan on checking them out after the holidays. I'm not sure I'm ready to go to meetings yet, which is one reason I wanted to give this place a try first. Maybe if I can handle writing it out, then maybe I can get to a point where I can talk about it with complete strangers. I relive those 3 days over and over again every day. It's hard not to, especially lately with the holidays and the newscasts almost every night. I know I shouldn't feel the guilt but I just can't shake it. It just won't let me go. Thank you again though.

Chris

[mikesmomrs]

Chris, I too read your recounting of those horrible, painful first days and weeks. I am so very sorry that you had to deal with so much "drama" within your family at such a time when support, caring and grieving together was of paramount importance. Many of us here have shared those early days, and though it saddens us to read about it of course, we know that it comforts those doing the telling and helps them to receive comfort also by our responses, and that I guess is truly what this site is all about. Understanding each other's need for a space to be where we are not judged for our feelings, and place where we can come and post some of the things we need to say that no one else wants to hear. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful princess Amelia. Holding you close in my heart and my prayers. And please, know this, you will never be the same as you were before...your normal will not be the same. You will, over time, identify a new normal for yourself, one that you can live with and that helps you to function on a daily basis. Your precious Amelia will surround you with her sweet spirit as you venture into these days ahead, still loving you, still with you, just on the other side of the veil that separates us from those who are gone ahead of us.

We lost our son, Mike, in Oct of 2006, from brain cancer. I too remember those last days, that final day, and every day since. Every day since we speak of Mike, remembering him, thinking of the memories that he left for us...many, many memories. We try to hold onto them to share with his boys. His boys were 9, 8, and not quite 2 when Mike died. The older boys remember much about him, as we try to help them celebrate their dad's life, and the youngest, who was 7 this week, while he doesn't remember his dad, he has learned much about him from his mom and from us and his brothers.

Amy: I am sorry that this time of year is so tough for you. The memories are so much more when triggered by the days that have us saying "this was happening" on such and such a day, a year ago, or two years ago, or whatever time span has elapsed. When does Katie come home from school and how long will she be there? I know you look forward to this, and I also know that you will have a happy time together, and the memories you share of Ashley will be there with you, every day.

Susannah: thank you for sharing again your beautiful dream of Stephanie...I know that it helps you to remember it, and it helps us to remember it with you. If you could, would you please share again the story about the owls...I don't quite remember the details. I love that Stephanie told you in your dream of her..."Don't forget the dream I sent you."

Colleen: So good to see your sweet Brian's smile again.

Mike ventured out today for the first time since he came home from the hospital on Friday. We had some errands to run but had been stuck to the house each day waiting for a call from the doctor regarding his treatment plan. He started feeling a bit better on Sunday afternoon, and on Mon and Tues felt better each day, and then today felt well enough to go out for a while. I can't recall now if I posted anything about this new development, but his oncologist called us here at home on Saturday to tell us that she had received all of his reports and doctor's notes from his hospitalization, and that after reading them over, she did not feel as though he would be a good candidate for the intensive chemo treatment that they had previously recommended at our first meeting with the tumor board. She felt that since he so easily came down with double pneumonia while recuperating from the pancreatitis, that his health was too fragile for the onslaught of the intense chemo. She was going to speak with the surgeon on Monday (this past Monday) to see if he wanted to go ahead with the surgery without the chemo. We waited all day Monday for her to call, then late in the afternoon I called her office and left a message, but still didn't hear anything, so on Tuesday I called again. Her triage nurse called us to tell us that she was tied up with clinic patients all day but had asked her (the triage nurse) to call us to let us know that she had talked with Dr. Smith (the surgeon) and that he was now in charge of Mike's treatment and we should call his office, which I did. I was told then that Dr. Smith would call me either that day (Tues) or early Wed, but if I had not heard anything, I should call back Wed afternoon. He did call this (Wed) morning. He does agree that perhaps Mike is not a healthy enough candidate for the intensive chemo of the first six weeks that was planned. However, he said that since the tumor is wrapped around a blood vessel, it would have to be shrunk some in order for him to operate successfully. He said that the oncologist would call me from her home, later on in the day. She did call and we talked about the necessity of the needed change in plans. Her words were "If I put him on the induction chemotherapy program, (which was the one huge infusion every two weeks for six weeks), I would be killing him." Needless to say, I was pretty dumbstruck for a few minutes. She did say, however, that she does think that it will be okay for him to do the radiation with minimum chemo that was planned for the second part of the original plan. The first chemo originally planned was for 4,000 units every other Friday for six weeks. The second part was for 50 units, every day, five days a week, along with radiation therapy on those same days. She said that the only likely thing that will come from this in a detrimental way would be that he would become very, very tired at the end of each week. At the end of that five week treatment time, he would then go through a five week healing time, then another PET scan to see how much it had shrunk, and then the plans for the surgery would be put into place if all has gone well. So, they are going to do the referral for the lesser chemo and radiation treatment to be done here locally, and they are going to present his case before the tumor board again next Tues to draw up a new plan. So, I guess this is just not something that is "cut and dried" and we will be taking one day at a time for a while...likely a long while. I try very hard not to think about the future, preferring instead to keep my focus on today, but there are some times when that is just not possible and I find my mind ahead traveling through time and then I just fall apart again. Knowing that I can come here late at night when the house is quiet, and put all of this down in writing does help. I hope that you all can understand and just put up with it for now....it is something that I really need to be able to do. I hate to be talking about all of this, but this is my life for now, and I am not the "pillar" I have always tried to be, at least not right now.

sending love and prayers to you all.

PS: A bit of potentially good news: Davis has been staying here for a couple of days until he finds a new place (this not the good news part, as it has been very stressful), and tonight he came here, very emotional, with a book in his hand. The book was "Alcoholics Anonymous." He had, on his own, gone to a meeting! He came in the house, literally trembling, and when he shakily told us where he had been, I got up and put my arms around him and he just started sobbing, from the bottom of his gut, and held on to me as if he thought that if he let go, I would disappear. Three of the guys at the meeting gave him their phone numbers, and told him to call them any time he needed to, and offered support and understanding. Davis has always been terribly afraid to go to a meeting, especially by himself, for fear of rejection because he is going into an AA meeting, and his problem is with drugs. I am sure that he has also been terribly afraid to make that commitment to leave behind something (the drugs) that had provided him with comfort for so long, albeit questionable "comfort" to say the least. There are only a couple of NA meetings near here, and word is that there are many there who are there for a "hookup" or to sell, and the groups do not provide much support. I don't know how true this is, Davis was actually apprised of this by his therapist, with her recommendation that he seek out the AA meeting, at least at first. So, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today brought a huge step. I pray it will lead to more and more steps. He had a list of meeting times and places stuck into the book, and had checked off many that would be conducive to his work schedule. I just need to pray for strength to know when to step back and let him be on his own, and yet know when to step forward to offer help that won't enable him, but just help him to know that he has our support in his efforts.

[ericasmom]

I am clearing my throat in an authoritative way MS> CAROL...Putting up with you? Reading your words are some of the most soulful words a person can read, you not only offer hope each time you post, you share the world you are in which is very important to us all, and let us please remember, you encourage others to let it out, so in return we ask that you do the same, let it out. This latest news is where your world is right now and your world is important to me/us. So take up the space here just as we do, the space in my heart is filled with the lives of those on this site, it is with a purpose of love and community that we gather, to hold the hands of one another through the good and the scary and the sad. So glad that Davis took a step, fingers crossed. And glad that the doctor sees a path to the reduction of the tumor...yep, one day but we know what that is don't we?

Chris, I think going back to cooking school is a great way to both make those steps to restarting your dreams, and to honor your Amelia. She wants her Daddy to do what is good in his life because her love for you will sit like a little nest in your heart forever.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee- Right now, for me it is very... I don't know how to describe it. I wake up with this feeling that I can't shake and everything starts to become clear again and it's like all I want to do is go back to bed but sleep doesn't bring much release unless I'm drugged (melatonin and a dose of nyquil- nothing really beyond that since not much else works and I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself to begin with) to the point that sleep comes within minutes. Friday will mark 8 weeks since the accident and the 24th will mark 2 months since Amelia passed away. I know it will take a while, but I hate the way I feel because I know I'm not the person I once was. I don't know that I will ever be that person again to be truthful, but I know that I still have obligations that I have to meet. I will be going back to work on January 3rd and I start classes up again on January 9th. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I am going to culinary school to become a chef one day. Amelia loved being in the kitchen, and she loved helping both me and her mom cook. She told me one time a few months ago that when she grew up, she wanted to be a chef just like me and I'm going back because I want to finish what I started- and to make her proud. I also feel like I have too much free time on my hands lately and sitting around a quiet house all day isn't really helping anything. I am back in California, though I still split time between here and Las Vegas. I plan to go back there for New Year's because it might be a while after the year starts before I'm back up there so I guess it's a bit of a last hurrah there for a while.

Amy- Thank you for your words. I do plan on checking them out after the holidays. I'm not sure I'm ready to go to meetings yet, which is one reason I wanted to give this place a try first. Maybe if I can handle writing it out, then maybe I can get to a point where I can talk about it with complete strangers. I relive those 3 days over and over again every day. It's hard not to, especially lately with the holidays and the newscasts almost every night. I know I shouldn't feel the guilt but I just can't shake it. It just won't let me go. Thank you again though.

Chris

Chris, I am so glad that you are planning on going back to cooking school. I loved the way Dee phrased it...it is perfectly true. I think that if you can find some relief in writing that you will find it very helpful and also you will find the support of everyone that is feeling these same emotions as you...even if at different stages. One day at a time is all you can ask of yourself...especially in the early stages.

[Jeff's Mom]

Chris, I too read your recounting of those horrible, painful first days and weeks. I am so very sorry that you had to deal with so much "drama" within your family at such a time when support, caring and grieving together was of paramount importance. Many of us here have shared those early days, and though it saddens us to read about it of course, we know that it comforts those doing the telling and helps them to receive comfort also by our responses, and that I guess is truly what this site is all about. Understanding each other's need for a space to be where we are not judged for our feelings, and place where we can come and post some of the things we need to say that no one else wants to hear. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful princess Amelia. Holding you close in my heart and my prayers. And please, know this, you will never be the same as you were before...your normal will not be the same. You will, over time, identify a new normal for yourself, one that you can live with and that helps you to function on a daily basis. Your precious Amelia will surround you with her sweet spirit as you venture into these days ahead, still loving you, still with you, just on the other side of the veil that separates us from those who are gone ahead of us.

We lost our son, Mike, in Oct of 2006, from brain cancer. I too remember those last days, that final day, and every day since. Every day since we speak of Mike, remembering him, thinking of the memories that he left for us...many, many memories. We try to hold onto them to share with his boys. His boys were 9, 8, and not quite 2 when Mike died. The older boys remember much about him, as we try to help them celebrate their dad's life, and the youngest, who was 7 this week, while he doesn't remember his dad, he has learned much about him from his mom and from us and his brothers.

Amy: I am sorry that this time of year is so tough for you. The memories are so much more when triggered by the days that have us saying "this was happening" on such and such a day, a year ago, or two years ago, or whatever time span has elapsed. When does Katie come home from school and how long will she be there? I know you look forward to this, and I also know that you will have a happy time together, and the memories you share of Ashley will be there with you, every day.

Susannah: thank you for sharing again your beautiful dream of Stephanie...I know that it helps you to remember it, and it helps us to remember it with you. If you could, would you please share again the story about the owls...I don't quite remember the details. I love that Stephanie told you in your dream of her..."Don't forget the dream I sent you."

Colleen: So good to see your sweet Brian's smile again.

Mike ventured out today for the first time since he came home from the hospital on Friday. We had some errands to run but had been stuck to the house each day waiting for a call from the doctor regarding his treatment plan. He started feeling a bit better on Sunday afternoon, and on Mon and Tues felt better each day, and then today felt well enough to go out for a while. I can't recall now if I posted anything about this new development, but his oncologist called us here at home on Saturday to tell us that she had received all of his reports and doctor's notes from his hospitalization, and that after reading them over, she did not feel as though he would be a good candidate for the intensive chemo treatment that they had previously recommended at our first meeting with the tumor board. She felt that since he so easily came down with double pneumonia while recuperating from the pancreatitis, that his health was too fragile for the onslaught of the intense chemo. She was going to speak with the surgeon on Monday (this past Monday) to see if he wanted to go ahead with the surgery without the chemo. We waited all day Monday for her to call, then late in the afternoon I called her office and left a message, but still didn't hear anything, so on Tuesday I called again. Her triage nurse called us to tell us that she was tied up with clinic patients all day but had asked her (the triage nurse) to call us to let us know that she had talked with Dr. Smith (the surgeon) and that he was now in charge of Mike's treatment and we should call his office, which I did. I was told then that Dr. Smith would call me either that day (Tues) or early Wed, but if I had not heard anything, I should call back Wed afternoon. He did call this (Wed) morning. He does agree that perhaps Mike is not a healthy enough candidate for the intensive chemo of the first six weeks that was planned. However, he said that since the tumor is wrapped around a blood vessel, it would have to be shrunk some in order for him to operate successfully. He said that the oncologist would call me from her home, later on in the day. She did call and we talked about the necessity of the needed change in plans. Her words were "If I put him on the induction chemotherapy program, (which was the one huge infusion every two weeks for six weeks), I would be killing him." Needless to say, I was pretty dumbstruck for a few minutes. She did say, however, that she does think that it will be okay for him to do the radiation with minimum chemo that was planned for the second part of the original plan. The first chemo originally planned was for 4,000 units every other Friday for six weeks. The second part was for 50 units, every day, five days a week, along with radiation therapy on those same days. She said that the only likely thing that will come from this in a detrimental way would be that he would become very, very tired at the end of each week. At the end of that five week treatment time, he would then go through a five week healing time, then another PET scan to see how much it had shrunk, and then the plans for the surgery would be put into place if all has gone well. So, they are going to do the referral for the lesser chemo and radiation treatment to be done here locally, and they are going to present his case before the tumor board again next Tues to draw up a new plan. So, I guess this is just not something that is "cut and dried" and we will be taking one day at a time for a while...likely a long while. I try very hard not to think about the future, preferring instead to keep my focus on today, but there are some times when that is just not possible and I find my mind ahead traveling through time and then I just fall apart again. Knowing that I can come here late at night when the house is quiet, and put all of this down in writing does help. I hope that you all can understand and just put up with it for now....it is something that I really need to be able to do. I hate to be talking about all of this, but this is my life for now, and I am not the "pillar" I have always tried to be, at least not right now.

sending love and prayers to you all.

PS: A bit of potentially good news: Davis has been staying here for a couple of days until he finds a new place (this not the good news part, as it has been very stressful), and tonight he came here, very emotional, with a book in his hand. The book was "Alcoholics Anonymous." He had, on his own, gone to a meeting! He came in the house, literally trembling, and when he shakily told us where he had been, I got up and put my arms around him and he just started sobbing, from the bottom of his gut, and held on to me as if he thought that if he let go, I would disappear. Three of the guys at the meeting gave him their phone numbers, and told him to call them any time he needed to, and offered support and understanding. Davis has always been terribly afraid to go to a meeting, especially by himself, for fear of rejection because he is going into an AA meeting, and his problem is with drugs. I am sure that he has also been terribly afraid to make that commitment to leave behind something (the drugs) that had provided him with comfort for so long, albeit questionable "comfort" to say the least. There are only a couple of NA meetings near here, and word is that there are many there who are there for a "hookup" or to sell, and the groups do not provide much support. I don't know how true this is, Davis was actually apprised of this by his therapist, with her recommendation that he seek out the AA meeting, at least at first. So, I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today brought a huge step. I pray it will lead to more and more steps. He had a list of meeting times and places stuck into the book, and had checked off many that would be conducive to his work schedule. I just need to pray for strength to know when to step back and let him be on his own, and yet know when to step forward to offer help that won't enable him, but just help him to know that he has our support in his efforts.

Hi Carol, it brought tears to my eyes when I read about Davis attending the AA meeting. That was a HUGE step for him. You must have been very proud that he is taking the necessary steps to make a positive change in his life. Good for him!

I read every word you write and I am so glad that you feel you can come to this place to open up. I am following your every step in this process with Mike/Ralph. You both are in my heart and prayers always. Hoping for a better day for you.

Kate

[westleysmom]

Haven't posted in a few days because I took a day off work last week, which I hardly ever do and for good reason. When I come back, I'm covered up for several days. But I've been trying to keep up with the postings and enjoyed 2000 Miles (thanks, Dee). And the poem Carol posted, I'm going to try to go back and find it so I can save it for my friend Susan, whose son Andrew died on 1/1/2010. I'm sure the poem will make her cry, but it fits her situation so well. I saw her Saturday, she came down and we did some shopping together and talked about everything we had time to. She gave me a locket that was kind of like the one she had made with Andrew's picture lasered in it, but in mine, she took a picture I had sent of Westley and his sister Amy when they were little fellas and cut it to fit so that Westley is on one side and Amy on the other. Of course, that made me cry, as I hadn't been able to think of anything to get her for Christmas, and well, just because seeing that precious little Westley face always makes me cry. But it was a good day together.

Chris-I'm so sorry. There are no words when something so horrible happens that will help at all, are there? I think your plan to get back to chef school is wonderful and I believe that Amelia would be so proud of you, is proud of you. I believe that one day we will be with our angels again, not one day too soon, but one day. It just seems so long without them here. I never attended CF, but I have the most compassionate friends in the world here. My husband didn't seem too open to the idea of CF, and I didn't want to go alone, since the nearest meeting is an hour away. And I have my best friend from high school, Susan that I mentioned above, whose 19 year old son Andrew died in his sleep on New Year's day 2010. Westley my 20 year old son died in his sleep at a friend's house on Jan 13, 12 days later. We don't live close together and our boys never met. How in the blue hell does something like that happen and once it does, how do you make sense of it? I haven't yet and I don't expect to live long enough to. Sorry to go on about me, its just what we do here. You are in my thoughts as Christmas comes. Last year was very hard, I hope this year will be a little easier. I have a daughter and two grandchildren, one who knew Westley and one who is only 3 months old. I have to try for them, but it is not easy. We will never be the same, how could we be? Hugs to you.

Amy-I'm so glad to see you here and hope you are doing okay. This time of year is always going to be hard for us, huh? Like I said, I hope it gets easier, but I don't believe it will ever get "easy". I haven't dreamt of Westley in a long time, at least not that I can remember. He was always hard to wake up, that's why when his friend called that morning, I was just thinking it was Westley's usual way of waking up and that she had never had to wake him before. But when she told me his lips were blue and he wasn't responsive at all that the panic came. And then the blur of the next few days. I have the sweater hanging in my closet that I wore the night of the visitation at the funeral home and I have had the urge over the past few weeks to burn it. How crazy is that? I think I wore it once or twice since then, but when I did, I kept thinking that one time when I wore it, I was standing in front of my son's casket with his body in it, greeting people who didn't know what to say that I hadn't seen in so long. And most of whom I haven't seen since. I hate that damn sweater.

Carol-You can never talk too much, no matter how much we post here, there is always magically more pages! I'm so glad that Davis seems to be finding his way and will cross my fingers for that to continue. Give Mike a hug for me and there is one for you too. The uncertainty makes for some very long days and sometimes even longer nights. You don't have to be a "pillar" of strength for us to love you here, dear Carol. If you ask me everyone of us here is, though, even when we're having a bad day. I've said it before and probably messed it up then too, but Christopher Robin told Pooh that "You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think." Don't forget to take care of YOU, too.

Colleen-I'm glad to see Brian's handsome face when you come by. I haven't been posting as much lately, in one of those inward looking moods and just don't have much to say sometimes (not today apparently) Our weather has been strange too, around 60 degrees today and yesterday. Loved the pic of Aaron at the ballgame, I think it was.

Kate-We had a bad day with the frost that freezes a few weeks ago (it was much colder that week than it is now) Fog froze on the road and caused a 45-50 car pile up and one man was killed. He was 28 years old and had been married in October, and his sister was to be married that weekend. That was in Nashville about an hour away, I didn't know the family or anything, it just made me very sad for his whole family. Another man died later from injuries or from a heart attack that was attributed to the accident, I can't remember which. We're just not used to that kind of thing in Tennessee, so it took them all by surprise when it happened.

Dan-Loved decorations at Nick's site. We had our annual candle ceremony on the 11th at 4:00 in the afternoon for our little cemetery. Westley had the most bling of anybody!

Greg-I watched the video of Brian and his brother and cried for how precious they were. I'm so glad that you found that and let us see it.

Betty-I saw where you posted several days ago and meant to say Hi! to you, but just haven't had a chance. I hope that you are doing okay. The holidays can be so trying. Every day can, but its hard to stay under everybody else's "happy" radar near the holidays. Hugs

I'm sure I missed somebody that I wanted to speak to, but just know that you are all in my thoughts every day.

[Susie_q512]

Hello to all.

I haven't posted much lately, but I do check-in a couple times during the day and read every word posted. Don't know why posting or responding seems so difficult lately? I want to. I have much that I wish to express and love that I wish to send out to each of you, but I am simply at a loss at this point in time. The songs, photos, videos and poem have touched my heart. Stirs different emotions. Sometimes tears flow; other times a smile may tug at the corners of my mouth. I miss my girl. Back to the "Is this real?" stage. Denial because the reality is too great to bear. I get signs quite often, and I suppose that I should be more thankful for the reminders that she is still with me in spirit, but I long for more. Only 12 weeks, yet an eternity without her.

Today will be very difficult as I have finally accepted that I must have Shannon's old dalmatian, Shadow, put to sleep. He's about 14 to 15 years old, senial, deaf, in kidney failure and completely incontinent now. He can barely walk. This guy has been faithful and loyal as only a pet can be. I feel I am losing yet another piece of Shannon. Shadow's neck and shoulders have soaked up her tears, his ears have heard every secret, hurt and dream. She loved him. I am returning him to her. I should be happy that she will be right there waiting to catch him and smother him with hugs and kisses, and yet my heart is aching at the loss of this part of Shannon. Praying that he slips gently into her waiting arms.

"You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.".....One of Shannon's favorite sayings/writings. She posted it on facebook and included it in many of her notes to me and her loved ones. My husband and I were just discussing having this engraved on her marker. I may try to find a note where she had written it so that I can have it engraved in her marker in her handwriting and with her famous signature.

Purple and Red were her favorite colors.

Love to each of you.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello to all.

I haven't posted much lately, but I do check-in a couple times during the day and read every word posted. Don't know why posting or responding seems so difficult lately? I want to. I have much that I wish to express and love that I wish to send out to each of you, but I am simply at a loss at this point in time. The songs, photos, videos and poem have touched my heart. Stirs different emotions. Sometimes tears flow; other times a smile may tug at the corners of my mouth. I miss my girl. Back to the "Is this real?" stage. Denial because the reality is too great to bear. I get signs quite often, and I suppose that I should be more thankful for the reminders that she is still with me in spirit, but I long for more. Only 12 weeks, yet an eternity without her.

Today will be very difficult as I have finally accepted that I must have Shannon's old dalmatian, Shadow, put to sleep. He's about 14 to 15 years old, senial, deaf, in kidney failure and completely incontinent now. He can barely walk. This guy has been faithful and loyal as only a pet can be. I feel I am losing yet another piece of Shannon. Shadow's neck and shoulders have soaked up her tears, his ears have heard every secret, hurt and dream. She loved him. I am returning him to her. I should be happy that she will be right there waiting to catch him and smother him with hugs and kisses, and yet my heart is aching at the loss of this part of Shannon. Praying that he slips gently into her waiting arms.

"You're braver than you believe and stronger than you seem and smarter than you think.".....One of Shannon's favorite sayings/writings. She posted it on facebook and included it in many of her notes to me and her loved ones. My husband and I were just discussing having this engraved on her marker. I may try to find a note where she had written it so that I can have it engraved in her marker in her handwriting and with her famous signature.

Purple and Red were her favorite colors.

Love to each of you.

Hi Susan, I am sorry to read that you will have to put your much loved pet to sleep. I really can relate to what you are going through and how you are feeling about doing this. My own dog has been very ill these past two months and it has been a real battle to keep her going. Like you...as she was Jeff's dog, it is another part of him in an extended way. I am sure Shannon will be waiting for Shadow her loved pet with open arms and and a million kisses.

I am thinking of you and how difficult this time of year is for you. Sending much love and prayers your way.

kate

[Guest msnher]

Hello, Indigo's;

Carol - My hell, if I can write about remodeling a bathroom and the antics of our cat you can certainly write about your husband's cancer and how it is affecting your lives!!! You would never for one minute let me, or any of us, apologize for "getting it all out". You are a pillar, my friend...but not a pillar that stands alone. There isn't such a thing. We are all pillars holding each other up. I would be terrified if I were in your shoes. Indeed, I am terrified for you. I hate that your lives have been so beat up by cancer. But, God bless you all for standing up to it (cancer). I just don't "get it". I received a phone call yesterday from the neighbor across the street whose daughter was shot and killed by her husband (the daughter's husband) over 20 years ago and whose other daughter died of cancer a couple of month's ago and whose 3 year old grandbaby has brain cancer. She called to tell me how proud of me she is because I put up Christmas lights. Talk about humility. Anyway, we spoke about how we each live and battle anxiety and how it can get the best of us because we know all too well that one tragedy per family is not the rule. It should be...but, it isn't. Why you guys have to go through so much, Carol, is beyond my understanding. What I can promise you, however - and this is MY responsibility, not yours - I would be beside myself with worry if you weren't telling us what was happening. Please trust that we care! This is absolutely the RIGHT place to talk to us about anything and everything that is happening in your life. I love you more than words can say!

Chris - I, too, am glad you're going ahead with your plans for culinary school. You will never be the same person. For me, not all of that is a bad thing. I like me better these days. Not only did I grieve the death of my daughter, I grieved the death of who I was. I kept trying to "get back to my old self". I think I've finally reached a place of acceptance with the me I am today. I hope you keep us informed on how things are going for you.

Rhonda - What a precious gift from the heart that Susan gave you. Those are the gifts that mean the most. I'm so sorry for both of your losses, but I'm glad you have each other.

Susan - I'm sorry about Shadow. I think Shannon is calling her to herself....maybe? Sad for you, though. I read somewhere that not all humans know how to love a dog but all dogs know how to love humans. Some of God's best angels come with four legs, I'm sure!

Speaking of....yesterday we had Peanut, Jasmine's cat, neutered. All the kids were sitting around the table eating pancakes for supper as I told Cindy (my daughter in law) about Peanut's day. I expressed how surprised I was that they just slice the "sacks" and take the testicles out and don't even stitch them up. We were talking low and the kids were busy with their own conversations - I thought. Jonathon piped up and asked "What does that mean?" (Cutting the sacks and taking out the testicles) I bent over him and kissed the top of his head and said, "It's what Grandma will do to you if you ever get a girl pregnant." Mariah went ballistic. "NO YOU WILL NOT! YOU WILL GO TO JAIL! YOU CANNOT TOUCH HIM. DON'T YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! Grandma, you WILL go to jail." Okay. My humor was not age appropriate. And, instead of telling Mariah I was only kidding, I smiled and winked at her and said, "Maybe Grandma doesn't mind going to jail." Jonathon had no idea what we were even talking about. The other kids paid no attention and Mariah simmered for a while and then let it drop. Part of me is thinking "I'm such an idiot - I could have comforted her." And, the other part of me is very proud of her for not being afraid to tell me exactly how she felt about me "threatening" her brother. As much as she loves me, and she DOES love me, she would not hesitate an instant to send my butt to jail. I find that very healthy.

PS - Carol - I am very excited to hear the news of Davis. Good for him. I'll write a separate post about the owls. Thanks for asking!

[Guest msnher]

Hello, Indigo's;

Carol - My hell, if I can write about remodeling a bathroom and the antics of our cat you can certainly write about your husband's cancer and how it is affecting your lives!!! You would never for one minute let me, or any of us, apologize for "getting it all out". You are a pillar, my friend...but not a pillar that stands alone. There isn't such a thing. We are all pillars holding each other up. I would be terrified if I were in your shoes. Indeed, I am terrified for you. I hate that your lives have been so beat up by cancer. But, God bless you all for standing up to it (cancer). I just don't "get it". I received a phone call yesterday from the neighbor across the street whose daughter was shot and killed by her husband (the daughter's husband) over 20 years ago and whose other daughter died of cancer a couple of month's ago and whose 3 year old grandbaby has brain cancer. She called to tell me how proud of me she is because I put up Christmas lights. Talk about humility. Anyway, we spoke about how we each live and battle anxiety and how it can get the best of us because we know all too well that one tragedy per family is not the rule. It should be...but, it isn't. Why you guys have to go through so much, Carol, is beyond my understanding. What I can promise you, however - and this is MY responsibility, not yours - I would be beside myself with worry if you weren't telling us what was happening. Please trust that we care! This is absolutely the RIGHT place to talk to us about anything and everything that is happening in your life. I love you more than words can say!

Chris - I, too, am glad you're going ahead with your plans for culinary school. You will never be the same person. For me, not all of that is a bad thing. I like me better these days. Not only did I grieve the death of my daughter, I grieved the death of who I was. I kept trying to "get back to my old self". I think I've finally reached a place of acceptance with the me I am today. I hope you keep us informed on how things are going for you.

Rhonda - What a precious gift from the heart that Susan gave you. Those are the gifts that mean the most. I'm so sorry for both of your losses, but I'm glad you have each other.

Susan - I'm sorry about Shadow. I think Shannon is calling her to herself....maybe? Sad for you, though. I read somewhere that not all humans know how to love a dog but all dogs know how to love humans. Some of God's best angels come with four legs, I'm sure!

Speaking of....yesterday we had Peanut, Jasmine's cat, neutered. All the kids were sitting around the table eating pancakes for supper as I told Cindy (my daughter in law) about Peanut's day. I expressed how surprised I was that they just slice the "sacks" and take the testicles out and don't even stitch them up. We were talking low and the kids were busy with their own conversations - I thought. Jonathon piped up and asked "What does that mean?" (Cutting the sacks and taking out the testicles) I bent over him and kissed the top of his head and said, "It's what Grandma will do to you if you ever get a girl pregnant." Mariah went ballistic. "NO YOU WILL NOT! YOU WILL GO TO JAIL! YOU CANNOT TOUCH HIM. DON'T YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! Grandma, you WILL go to jail." Okay. My humor was not age appropriate. And, instead of telling Mariah I was only kidding, I smiled and winked at her and said, "Maybe Grandma doesn't mind going to jail." Jonathon had no idea what we were even talking about. The other kids paid no attention and Mariah simmered for a while and then let it drop. Part of me is thinking "I'm such an idiot - I could have comforted her." And, the other part of me is very proud of her for not being afraid to tell me exactly how she felt about me "threatening" her brother. As much as she loves me, and she DOES love me, she would not hesitate an instant to send my butt to jail. I find that very healthy.

PS - Carol - I am very excited to hear the news of Davis. Good for him. I'll write a separate post about the owls. Thanks for asking!

[Guest msnher]

The Owl story:

A few days after Steph died, my kids and I were smoking under the redneck patio around midnight. The redneck patio was a garage and we took down three sides...the roof and one side still in place (it is "decorated" with white lattice) I was sitting in a high back lawn chair, holding a cigarette in my right hand. Out of nowhere, a bird flies under the patio and in between my neck and the back of the chair to get to my right shoulder...landing there. Freaked me out...I'm sure I traumatized the bird. The next day a hummingbird fed at the hummingbird feeder within inches of my son's head. And, then it perched. No big deal except that we hadn't had a hummingbird before or since. Well....a few weeks later, a friend and I were sitting in front of our house...me smoking again (I don't smoke in the house or car). It was about 4 in the afternoon. I had just finished telling this friend about the birds when an owl landed on the light pole at the end of our driveway. We were marveling at the owl when another owl landed on the next light pole. A few months after that, I was leaving for my Sunday morning AA meeting and Jasmine ran up to me to show me "the bird on the pole" she had drawn and cut out. Now, Jasmine can't draw...not that good and at that time she couldn't hardly manipulate scissors. It was an owl on a pole. Jasmine had not heard the story about the owls either. Instead of being happy about receiving a sign from Stephanie, however, I freaked out. I thought it was a message that someone else was going to die. Gary found the meaning of owls on the internet. Indeed, some native American tribes believe they are a sign of death. But, more believe that owls are messengers from the other side. They are considered to be protectors of the spirit world. It is their job to help lead you from the dark to the light of day. We chose to adopt that belief. THEN, several months ago, I drove to Denver to get hypnotized, trying to find Stephanie. I know, I know...but, I have to do what I have to do. It was a spiritual experience, anyway. It is a five hour drive from Casper to Denver. I was through with my session by 5 PM. I felt wide awake and energized, I could easily make it home by 10. I drove about an hour when all of a sudden I was hit with a wave of exhaustion. I could barely keep my eyes open. I pulled into the closest town and drove to the Best Western - where we have points with. However, I felt pulled to the Comfort Inn behind the Best Western so I drove through Best Western's parking lot and went to the Comfort Inn. It was a bit more expensive and we didn't have points there, but I was too tired to drive the 100 feet back to the Best Western. I paid for my room and went to move my car to a parking space. I parked my car, got out and turned around. There on the top of the Comfort Inn sat three very large owl totems. I didn't find Stephanie through hypnosis but I feel she did speak to me anyway. I was suddenly filled with a new sense of energy and got back in my car to go buy something to eat. The sweet smell of honeysuckle filled my car and there wasn't a flower around. Anyway, that's my owl story. My youngest daughter reminded me that a few months before Stephanie died, after the death of my mother and sister, my girls voiced their concern about me dying. I told them not to worry that I would send them butterflies. Stephanie piped up and said she would send birds.

Jasmine's owl

[ericasmom]

I adore OWLS, and I used to say that my Mum looked like an owl. The kind with the heart shaped face.

My students wrote beautiful haikus ( 5 syllables, 7 syllables and 5 syllables) and cinquains today after we developed lists of concepts and words about winter, barring any reference to holidays as the poetry will hang all winter and I don't want to read about a holiday long after it is over. So we make the most beautiful snowflakes after we read SNOWFLAKE BENTLEY who is a real person, the guy who proved to the world that there are no two snowflakes the same, (from Jericho Vermont) and then we write our finished copies on two kinds of blue paper and attach our snowflakes so that it snows poetry all winter long. I affix them on the windows in the hallway outside our classroom...so pretty. One child wrote a haiku that said:

With winter comes snow

so many hats and mittens

for days in the snow

[Guest msnher]

Dee, Well, I feel like a total idiot...I had never heard of a haikus or cinquain before. Wow, third grade...and, they get it. I'm impressed.

[ericasmom]

Haiku is an ancient form of poetry that always speaks of nature. It is so beautiful and very easy to teach, very non threatening as they get syllables...and cinquains are also a short form that is easy to learn: By the time third grade ends they will have learned at least 7 kinds of poetry and will write all seven kinds, collect all seven kinds and teach all seven kinds to 1st and 2nd graders.

noun

two adjectives describing noun

three ing verbs about the noun

phrase

synonym to the noun

One child wrote:

snow angels

white soft

laying, singing, flying

she is the same shape as me

crystal girl

[summergirl]

Hey my dear friends - not alot of time as I am very tired, been one of those weeks at work and I am missing my girl - hurts, hurts.

A quick story for you...Jessica's best-friend for most of her life is Ashley (Damien's mom) and last Sunday she stopped over and was really upset becuz she had a dream about Jessica and could not remember it and it was making her crazy....she called me today and said "Promise not to get upset if I tell you something" - so I promised and this is what she told me "I went home after telling you about my dream, no one was home, just me....I went to get my ipod phone and it was on and it was a post from Jessica that I had saved and it said "sending you a smile today" !! Then she said there was no way her phone comes on by itself and you have to go through all these things to get to the posts she saved from Jessica so "WE BELIEVE, WE BELIEVE" - and of course I did not get upset but I cried and smiled at the same time.....

Wanted to post some pics of Tavian at his first Christmas Concert at school. He plays the clarinet and the little girl next to him his his "friend" and guess what they call her ?? "Mi-Mi" !!! How funny is that.....anyway so proud of him. We went to dinner afterwards, just the two of us and decided to have appitizers instead of dinner - what a joy it is to have him in my life... The other pics are some of the decorations Tavian and I did in our house.

[summergirl]

One more pic - this is my hubby and Tavian when Tavian was 2 years old. They were at the firehouse and there was a man taking pics. About 2 years later hubby was doing electrical work at a new customers house and the man told him he looked familiar and he went in the other room and came back with this pic - the man had it blown up and framed and gave it to us......Quite amazing and this picture is a treasure to me...

[ericasmom]

I can certainly see why that photo is a treasure to you, it is beautiful, your Two Men. Your tree is lovely adn Tavian? Well, he is the picture of his Mum and as he gets older, a lot like Grandpa too. We know he looks like you as Jess looks like you Kathy. So glad that he enjoys making music.

Going to bed, very tired too, long days of excited children...

[ericasmom]

I just got home from a lovely winter-ish morning walk, it is not snowing, but I wish it would, the kids are so anxious, we did a snow dance yesterday, apparently, we need to brush up on it as there is still no snow. The morning light is just starting to show the color in the eastern skies, the bright moon cast shadows throughout my walk. Some morning birds are just starting to vocalize and I am startled by the way time moves...how could this be our ninth Christmas season without Erica? I know that she loves the lights hanging on so many homes, but ours is not decorated, nor is the inside but for cards and a small pine with red ribbons given to us, a two footer that can be planted in the ground come spring. I love that idea and cherish a living tree in the house. Life changes, we are not the same as we once were, but parts of us are still in there, we may feel unrecognizable for a few years, but the Mom or Dad that your Angel is watching over, is still in you, and as you build your self anew, honor those broken pieces by knowing that in those are the strength of today.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my Indigo Pals!

I love to read the stories of birds. I am a huge bird fan; graduating from UWSP with a BS in Biology and an Ornithology emphyasis - (never really used it).

Owls have the gift of Silent Flight. I can remember Brian and Aaron wanted to sleep outside in a fort on top of our swingset in the back yard. A huge Great Horned Owl flew through the back yard and we never heard it, just saw it. Scared the kids, they ran in the house and that was the end of that.

Kathy - Thanks so much for sharing Tavian again. He is a tall boy and love his hair!!!! I played the Clarinet from 5th drade through 10th grade. Music is a wonderful skill that can be used our whole lives.

Susannah - "Red-Neck Porch?" A fellow employee has a daily calendar that startes off with "You know you are a Red-Neck When....... My favorite one was: "You know you are a Red-Neck - When grass does not grow within 30 feet of your outhouse."

Dee - Mild winter we are having - Hey? I do not mind other than some of the busineses are suffering. How are the newlyweds?

Take care my friends,

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Colleen, love the red neck jokes! Very cool about your degree.

Kathy - Love the photos and the message Jessica's friend received. I believe!

Since we got the kids I had suspected and now I know...I am not smarter than a 3rd grader. I shed some tears yesterday missing my Stephanie. I miss her more this year than I did the first two without her. We will add a special ornament to the tree, in her honor, each year. This year I found a gold, heart shaped ornament with a stairway etched on it and the words that if I could have one wish it would be a stairway that went to heaven so I could bring you back home. Even as I type this a very peaceful thought interrupts other thoughts. "I am home. And, I'll be waiting here when you come home, too." Deep sigh.

I love the signs we get from our kids. And, I don't want them to stop - I say that so the powers that be know I am not requesting such - but, they aren't the same as their physical presence. I don't miss the chaos in Stephanie's life. I don't miss worrying about her and her kids. But, I do miss my daughter. I miss her laughter and her hugs. I miss the goofy faces she would make that would cause a whole room to burst into laughter. When I tell you she was like Lucille Ball, I mean it. She would cry with her mouth open and the "WAAAA" coming out just like Lucille Ball. Every emotion was expressed clearly through her eyes. Large and round when surprised. Small and deadly when angry. Soft and kind when expressing compassion. Another deep sigh.

Dee - Nine years. Another deep sigh.....

[lolynbo]

WELL HECK I NO IM A REDNECK BETWEEN RACING AND YOU NO YOUR A REDNECK IF THE TVS IN THE CAMPER ARE NICER THEN THE ONES IN THE HOUSE

[lolynbo]

KOURTNEYS NURSE REGAN TEXTED...WHILE I WAS DRIVING HOME..AND TOLD ME SHES HAVING A GIRL....HER NAME WILL BE KOURTLYN GRACE....I ALMOST HAD TO PULL OVER TO CRY...

[Guest msnher]

Lorri - What an honor to your Kourtney!

It's quiet on here, today. 28 months later and I find myself bargaining with God again. "Please, PLEASE, bring her back!"

[Jeff's Mom]

Yes, it is quiet today. Susan...thinking of you and wondering about your dog Shadow. How are things going? Thinking of all of you. Prayers and good wishes for everyone feeling really down right now.

[Susie_q512]

Hi Everyone,

My mood hasn't improved. Seem to be turned inward lately....not very communicative. Thoughts, images, memories flooding my mind. I don't want to be mobile, yet I am miserable when stationary. Can't focus on anything....my mind drifts. Remembering holding and rocking Shannon as a baby. I so long for the ability to hold her close to me as she sleeps, gently rocking her and stroking her face and hair. I want to hold her in that stillness and simply soak her into myself. Everywhere I turn or look, there is a memory....an image that leaves me longing, hurting, empty. I am somewhere beyond screaming and raging..... desperate, maybe? Every cell that makes up my being seems to be longing, reaching, weeping for her.

[mikesmum]

Dee ~ I am now educated more than I ever thought. What great lessons you impart to your charges. Another dimension in their ability to express themselves. Love the snow dance. Here with have the thunderbolts and lighting shuffle. Its quite dark now our storm is brewing. Muttley is doing the quickstep to find a 'safe place'.

Kathy ~ That young man grows before you very eyes! How you heart must have skipped a beat on seeing a very young Tavian held by Barry in that pic. What a find. I get lost sometimes wondering if there are any more 'finds' of Mike that I have missed.

Carol ~ Great to hear that Davis is making his way. Hoping Mike is keeping well. Prayers as always for you both.

This was my last week of volunteering at the school. For our last task, 50 grade 3/4's used blanket stitch to make felt Christmas stockings. One sewn they decorated them with bling, extra felt and a mutlitude of craft things. We started at 9am and when we finished at 1pm I vowed never to thread another needle

As for the upcoming Christmas thing ~ Well I still have a husband who is battling his 5th week of neuralgic pain. They have upped his drugs to try to bring the pain under control. They see him even more drowsy. He has now pulled a muscle in his shoulder turning over in bed!

I cleaned the carpets here today. It was warm and they needed doing, so I started at 8am finished by 2pm and sent the machine back. One more thing I vow never to do again!

This is my 5th Christmas without Mike. You might say he was the Spirit of Christmas for us. Being a man/child he never lost the enthusiasm. Even when he moved out, we would meet up at Laurens for 'breakfast' which consisted of platters of fruit, ham, crossiants, irish coffee and cocktails! One Christmas, we were hosting Christmas Dinner at home. I just popped in on Mike and Lauren for what I thought was a few minutes. The phone rang, it was my brother asking if I needed the potatoes turned. I had been gone for 4hrs

I so miss his infectious smile, his ability to make Christmas fun even when you just came off 12hrs of nightshift.

Weary tonight, think I'll sit out and watch the light show. Gotta believe its Mike doing the Christmas lights in heaven. Carols by Candlelight are in the park just below us....heavenly!

Pic of Uncle Mike and Emily (1yr). Our Christmas is in our Summer, so to the beach!!

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

What a wonderful craft idea at school, Trudi! Hopefully the eye of the needles you had to thread were large? You certainly seem to be in overdrive with everything you have going on; I hope you are able to get some rest, too. Love, love, love the pictures of Micheal! I had almost forgotten that it was his visit that changed the course of my grief. Very powerful angel you have in your son. Very powerful, indeed.

Susan - I have felt exactly as you describe. On the outside I tried to maintain some kind of control but on the inside I felt like a screaming, raging crazy woman - waving my arms with illegible, guttural sounds escaping from the pit of my gut. Funny, now I resemble the crazy woman on the outside, but the inside is much calmer.

I am going to try to stay away from the computer today and get some things done for Christmas. Yesterday as Jonathon and I cuddled on the couch he looked up at me and said, "Grandma when you're really old we will do the same thing for you that you did for Mommy." I asked him what that was and he told me "Have you cremated." LOL He and Mariah then got in an argument about who gets my ashes. Jonathon said they would split them so they could all three have them and Mariah announced they would NOT split me up and she would be the one to have them because she's the oldest. It really was quite humorous.

[ericasmom]

Hi Gang, have not read anyone yet, just got back from a beautiful snowy walk, FINALLY some snow though it is not to stay as it may warm up enough later to melt. Had to walk in it, loved it. Wrote this upon my return. Hope that it lends a bit of hope to our newbies, that this process is just that, it takes time and one day you will find ways to adapt and accomodate the tragic circumstances of this new path. Never let anyone ask you to speed the process or get over it, remind them that if that is what they need, it is their problem, not yours.

Footprints in the snow

Was a time that even my footprints in the snow could not lead me back home,

Though clearly marked,

the shell that housed my life, my belongings was simply that,

a shell.

In that time, I was like a crab, searching for a new home

a bigger shell to house not only what was-

but all that changed in that tiny moment.

All that would become.

I needed to build a new home that could house the good right next to the tragic,

I needed a much bigger home in order to sustain my new life-

a foot in both worlds.

Eventually, the home was built though construction continues

An unending process I have learned,

Accepted.

And now my footprints in the snow lead me home, lying parallel like railroad tracks to those first steps

[Guest msnher]

Love the poem, Dee! I fought redefining myself, finding a new home. There are times in my life when the old footprints and new footprints seem to fit perfectly into each other, reminding me of "old times". When my steps take me away from the old ones I find myself, once again, grieving what was. I wonder if there ever comes a time when It isn't such a shock to our system?

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Here is a little video that I made, which is what I do to keep my sanity,

http://youtu.be/7SOTEnnaCgw

[lolynbo]

SOOOOOOOOOOO SORRY JDS MOMMY....SO SO SORRY....TELL US ABOUT JD...SHOW US PICS.....

MY KOURTNEY DIED OF A BRAIN TUMOR AT THE AGE OF 22...JUST GOT MARRIED JUST FOUND TUMOR 11 DAYS BEFORE IT BURST...

WELL BOUGHT ANOTHER 7 DAY CRUISE YEST TO BAHAMAS WITH MONTY, GONNA GIVE IT TO HIM FOR CHRISTMAS......NOT TIL SEPT 9, U NO HURRICAN SEASON....LOL ITS ON THE NEW BIG SHIP MAGIC...SO IM SUPER EXCEITED....IM NOT TAKING KODY AND HE SAYS "OH IM NOT INVITED"...I SAID "IM HOPING YOU HAVE AN AWESOME JOB BY THEN"....

KIMMY AND CODYS FIGHTING ....ITS ALWAYS AROUND THE HOLIDAYS...SHE SAYS SHE WONTS A DIVORCE......LORD HELP ME...I GET SO TIRED OF THE STUPID ASSSSSSSSSSSSS FIGHTS.....

GOING TO OKC TOM FOR KIMMYS BDAY DINNER...IDK IF WE WILL BE IN THE MIDDLE OF A BIG FIGHT OR WHAT...WHO NOZ

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Modified.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, not much happening . I've been tired and as best as I can, try to get into the spirit of Christmas. With knowing that my dad did love us as best as he could, knew how, I am sad . Not that “it” ever left.

Today I bought Sarahs Christmas pajamas. I always picked them up for Sarah and Rich. Every year. I liked the feel of the cotton and paid some ridiculous price for them but its Christmas.

I went to the Hallmark store to buy cards. One for daughter. One for brother. One box for everyone else. I bumped into a lady that babysat Rich when he was in kindergarten. After school care. Of course she asked how the kids were and I talked of Sarah and told her about Rich. Shock and surprise. Yeah. I know the look in the eyes, I still see it in mine. She spoke of her kids and I just had to get out of there.

Early this eve me and Sarah are going to Radio City Music Hall for the Christmas Spectacular show. I'm sure it will be great and with the lights and sound of the show and city maybe a boost in the spirit. I saw another Indigo attended, read on Fb, but didn't look at her pictures yet.

This will be 3 years since I last saw Rich. The last time, as I said, was Christmas day 2008.

To everyone, I have been reading. I enjoy the poems,pictures and music videos and the videos of your angels. Just having trouble writing. I want to rest but I feel what I really want is this ache to stop. I know it will Dee but this seems never ending.

Dee, your poem, beautiful yet startling in a way. I guess the truth jumped out at me in your writing.

OK. time to get going. I know Rich will be with us and I go on with the smile and hope for him.

[mysonrich]

JD's Mom, I am sorry that you are here, I am sorry for your loss, your dear beautiful Jared. You have found a group of compassionate people that are always here for you. My son, Rich, also enjoyed skateboarding. I know the worry that we have as they go out to try out a park, a new hill, to see how fast they can go. From Rich I learned of trucks and bearings and decks. And Vans. Can't forget the vans. We are here for you, a very sad welcome indeed.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Modified.

[westleysmom]

Betsy-Have a good time with Sarah. Christmas is so hard, and we can't skip it.

J.D.'s mom- I watched your video. He was beautiful, I'm so sorry for your loss. My son Westley never skateboarded, but he liked motorcycles when he was younger and scared me to death riding them. He wasn't a daredevil, but any kind of thing like that always scares Moms. Westley was 20 when he died, almost 21, in his sleep at a friend's house. That was January 2010 and seems like yesterday sometimes. I am doing better I suppose, but the holidays are very hard. I wish you had no need to be here, but everyone is welcome who needs to be here. There are several parents here who have battled the legal system about their child's death, but I am not one of them. Westley's death was decided to be caused by a couple of beers and a prescription painkiller that he took. He also had sleep apnea, which I think contributed. I blame myself, even though I know it was just a crazy accident caused by a bad decision he made to take the painkiller. I struggle with guilt along with my grief. The video made me cry like a baby, which isn't that hard to do. This place and those I've met here have helped me through the worst time in my life and I know it will help you too to be able to talk without fear of running somebody off. We never tire of hearing stories about each other's children.

Dee-It's warming up here too and we haven't had any snow at all yet. I enjoyed your poem too.

Susannah-Good luck with the Christmas chores. So they're fighting over your ashes already! I suppose you should be flattered. Kinda anyway.

Carol-Hoping that Mike is feeling better and that you are doing okay. You are both in my thoughts, as is Davis and the rest of your brood.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Modified.

[westleysmom]

J.D.'s Mom-Westley was my only son, but I do still have a daughter who is married and I have two grandchildren, a boy and a girl. I didn't put a tree up last year and I'm not going to put one up this year either. Just too sad to look through the ornaments and too sad to buy new ones that he never saw. I listened for Westley to come home late at night before his death and for a while after. He was hard on vehicles and we got a lot of late night calls for help getting home. Gotta run, just wanted to say hi to you.

[Jeff's Mom]

I lost my 15 year old son, Jared, on October 3, 2011 when he was hit from behind by an SUV while he was either skateboarding or walking 1/4 mile from our driveway. I also had advised him not to use this road for biking or skating or even walking, as the cars and big trucks use this road as a backway to neighboring city, and they just fly by here. I never knew the speed limit was 50mph, as it wasn't posted, and just down the road, in another residential section it is 40mph. We are now working to change the speed limit to 35mph in hopes of preventing this type of tragedy for another family. The investigation is ongoing, and I have many mixed emotions on a daily basis. I couldn't drive my car on this road, or even go to the mailbox for more than a month, because the sound and sight of cars going by made me imagine that moment of impact. I never got to say goodbye, as he died within minutes of the crash.

Here is a little video that I made, which is what I do to keep my sanity, http://youtu.be/7SOTEnnaCgw

Hi JD"s Mom...thanks for sharing your video. You have a great looking family! Do you still have your dog? We owned a boxer when I was growing up.

I can't begin to imagine the shock you felt that day. I am so sorry for your loss. That took a lot of courage to put that video together so soon after Jared's accident. You are so fortunate to have great pics of him. My son hated having his picture taken and was usually the one behind the camera. I hope the investigation will not drag out for too long...for your sake.