Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

I am here to say Happy Holidays to all, it is 11:00 here so it is Christmas for Sherry and Denny, Carol and Mike (Ralph) and Bonnie and Rich, and Betsy and Sarah, and Betty Dear, and so many of our Eastern US friends. I am wishing you all a peaceful and healthy holiday, and a very sweet New Year. May we ring it in with the love and hope and light of our Angels and the constant knowing of their undying love. May we ring it in with the strength to carry all there is to carry, and face each day with new energy. THere will of course be days where that hardly seems possible, but I ask God and Eri to help me make good choices in how I approach each day.

Carol, prayers that Mike receives the very best treatment and the very best outcomes. And when you go to that dark place, remember to bring that light with you, that Mike-light, heart-shaped and message laden.

To All-- a great dream and deep sleep,

[JD's Mom, Becky]

This is Jared with his sister Jasmine about two years ago. Love this picture, so wanted to share it with all of you. Merry Christmas.

[mysonrich]

http://s645.photobucket.com/albums/uu177/ehaldeman/?action=view&current=12-6-200915338PM.jpg&evt=user_media_share

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http://s645.photobucket.com/albums/uu177/ehaldeman/?action=view&current=85160009.jpg&evt=user_media_share

[mysonrich]

A beautiful day . Not much to say. Peace in memory. Smiles in memory. Tears in memory. The courage to go on.

[ericasmom]

Amen to your thoughts expressed Betsy, thanks.

I love the Santa that Rich and Sarah were visiting, he looks like he could climb in a sleigh at any moment...Blessings to you.

Trudi, it is the day after Christmas in your part of the world...how did it go?

I received a new camera this morning from my Husband, so exciting, he said it was for me to take 10,000 more photos of tree limbs and flowers...I do do a lot of that. Now I have to figure out how to format the memory card and whatnot.

We went to Jonathan and Shannon's last evening for a wonderful dinner and we sat around their tree and opened gifts. Lovely time.

The sun is shining and a walk is in good order. There is a turkey in the oven that Husband put in at 4:30 AM to be done by the time we go to the retirement home where his Mom lives where his siblings and nieces and nephews will also join. I made a sweet potato cake with cream cheese frosting. WE should be home by 4:00 pm which is when the Bulls start the season off by playing the Lakers. I can't believe that I am excited about it, but I am. Felt odd to not have a BB season.

I wish you all a day that holds you in good stead, but I do know the ache that is present in each one of our hearts. Take that ache and walk it with you and seat it at the table, it will in time become a part of you rather than an oversized new appendage, it will soften and you will always carry it, but it will eventually make room for all that was/is good as well. I woke several times in the night, a train whistle blowing loud, I figured it to be Eri calling out, "MERRY CHRISTMAS MOMMA AND JONATHAN" and I said, "MERRY CHRISTMAS MY ONE AND ONLY GIRL, GIRL OF MY DREAMS, I SHALL LOVE YOU FOREVER AND TAKE YOU EVERYWHERE I GO"

[ericasmom]

I wrote this recently, and have changed it recently as well, but it is reminder that sometimes we all feel we are coming undone. We do come undone, but we find our pieces new and old and refashion our lives...

Tethered

My strings unravel sometimes, and I am left to wonder how to stay tethered

to something in this world-

something of value to my heart

something that allows my grief but also my joy-

it may simply be to tie myself to the bird’s song this morning,

singing me through both.

Grounded by chatter that tumbles from so many sparrows

hidden in the hedges,

and the immediate hush of sound as I walk past.

Made to smile from the amazing sound that bursts again from the greenery

when I have walked beyond them.

I whisper ‘thank you’ to the birds and sometimes I shout it,

for their unending medicine

that help me remember all that really matters.

[ericasmom]

This showed up on my personal email from Kate, and so I am sharing as she asked.

>

and this one too:

http://us.mg4.mail.yahoo.com/dc/launch?.gx=1&.rand=538lt419j1ipc

[dwsmithrn]

this is my nathan, last christmas, with his niece, avery....my then 4 y/o grand daughter.....she is now 5 and very smart. she misses her uncle nate....i am so sad and depressed. i have so many feelings that i didn't even know i could have. where do they all come from? wish i knew.....i so want this month to be over, but then i have to deal with january and that one will be a whopper, i know. then what? i just have to continue to live without my baby.....how do i do that? i can't do it now, so how do i do it later? everything reminds me of him....he is always in the forefront of my mind and my heart aches constantly for him. my mom will be here tomorrown morning and lee and family will be here very late tonight. we will be going to my daughter's house tomorrow for the day...it will be our 'christmas' day celebration. it will be different and i will have to put on the fake face and pretend to be happy. not that i am not glad to have my family, etc....but so sad that the chain has been broken and nathan is not there and will never be here again. it hurts...it really hurts. i miss him more than that little stupid phrase can say.

thank you dan for for the beautiful pic and thank you greg for the website. thanks to all for the sharing and the caring.

i think of all of you all the time and hope that all of you are safe and healthy. wishing you a safe and happy holiday...

love, diane

[Jeff's Mom]

Thank you Dee for sharing your beautiful poem. It is heartfelt and very moving.

And thanks for sending the video for me. I am not very computer savy. I particularly love the nativity video. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Kate

[robyn]

Not a bad day. The kids are happy and thrilled with the presents. The baby is laughing out loud now- is there a more beautiful sound in the world? We are all missing our sweet girl, but the memories are cherished. God continues to bless our family.

4 weeks, 5 days.

A blessed Christmas to all.

[lolynbo]

WELL SURVIVED THE STOCKINGS...SADLY KOURTNEYS WAS EMPTY THIS YR ...I DID GET ANOTHER LIL WILLOWTREE ANGEL......GLAD ITS OVER....NOW TO MAKE IT THREW NEW YEARS....

BETSY WELL SAID

[Guest msnher]

Love all the pics!

We are done with the family stuff. Most of us are still in our Christmas jammies. The turkey is cooked. We have so much food we really didn't need the turkey, but it wouldn't fit in the freezer so I had to cook it, debone it and then freeze it.

Last night I knelt by my bed and prayed that I could get a message or visit from Stephanie. The only big deal about that, for me, is I don't usually kneel when I pray. I just talk to God the same way I talk to anyone. When Stephanie died I did a lot of kneeling, begging, pleading only to end up in the fetal position on the floor sobbing. So, last night I made the big sacrificed and knelt. I didn't dream about Stephanie. I did, however, dream about Michael Jackson. Ya, I know - right? So, Michael Jackson told me that Jonathon would write songs that would help heal the world. My dream then was transported to alien spacecraft that was destroying the planet on 12/21/2012. So, we can credit the eggnog I had last night to my dreams. But, if my grandson becomes a famous song writer and if we are attacked by aliens you all remember that Michael Jackson told me ahead of time. In the mean time, I'm still waiting for something from my girl. My longing for her is overshadowed by the fact people have quit talking about her. Little Kaylee (3yrs old) did point to her urn - there's a picture of Steph etched in it - and said "there's Aunt Stephanie. She lives in heaven. She comes to see Mariah, Jasmine and Jonathon." She then jumped off my lap and chased the cat.

My heart to all of you - each of you. The first are hard. I'm not sure they get easier, they just get familiar.

Sitting here, watching Jonathon slide across the hardwood floor on his belly I am wishing I would have mopped better. There is something in Jared's expression, Becky, that reminds me of Jonathon. Jonathon has that same deep look in his eyes. Well, I better put lunch out.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shellyku]

Merry Christmas Afternoon all Indigos - I pray that everyone's day was at the very least do-able

and the very most, pleasurable. I really came on to ask you all a question...does it occur to you

or bother you that when visiting family or having family in, that their lives have not changed at all

when it comes to the loss of our angels. Thank you God that we got through the visiting today with

no meltdowns, but it was crystal clear to me today that others' lives go on without missing a beat,

and they don't realize that ours have changed forever. I'm not saying that it is their fault, because

it certainly is not, but yet, my people anyway, just expect you to be your same old self and they just

don't realize that we are not, nor never will be, the same.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. Just wondering if anyone else feels the same. Have a peaceful

Christmas evening all Indigos.

[ericasmom]

Shelly, probably the biggest disappointment for folks here is that very same thing, family and close friends going on expecting us to be the same old person. Some of us are lucky and have some family and friends that completely understand that we are changed, and mainly I would say, because they watched over us and listened to us and because they too were changed. I am lucky and as for those folks that expect the old Dee, well I don't have much to do with them anymore. But at first, it was a tenuous time, not knowing what to say to me, many said nothing. I let people know right off when I sensed the uncomfortable, that I would continue talking to and about ERICA and that her name is a gift to my heart so hearing it replenishes me not depletes me. In telling folks up front that you need to hear them talked about and remembered frees many up to do so.

Susannah, glad the kids had fun. Dec. 12, 2012 is the next prediction for a rapture but I have now forgotten which religion made that prediction and it had to do with a calendar that did not go beyond that date...so I imagine you dreamed that date due to the recent talk about it.

Hi Ruby, good to see that smiling face looking out at us. Lorri, yup, got through it and here we are, being smiled upon by our Girls. Robyn, so glad that the magic of a Baby's laugh is making this day special. I so agree, that sound is magic.

To All, hope you found some peace in the midst of the day.

[heartbeataway]

Stopping by to give a Christmas hello ....

The boys had a good Christmas and were so cute in their Christmas jammies and their little faces filled with excitement.

We have heard nothing about the little girl. The waiting ...... oh, how I hate this waiting!

The children were a welcome distraction and I know they had a good day. We never got to the stockings. Maybe tomorrow ......

Last night after getting them in bed, I went to the basement to get the stocking hangers. All the family stockings were there.

It hit me like a punch in the gut. I held each one and ran my finger over the names. How different things are now compared to when he was still with us.

I took the hangers and brought them upstairs to the fireplace. I had tears streaming ... couldn't stop them.

Rich came over and held me while I let the dam burst ...... I just want our old life back.

And then I gained my composure, hung the filled stockings with two new names of little boys and finished up our "Santa" chores.

Ho ..... Ho ..... Ho ...... another year further away from our happy past life.

Greg,

I liked the shared writing from someone at your office. Jason would not want us to wallow in our loss of him and we try hard to

live a life that would make him proud of us.

Congrats on the new grandbaby news!

Carol,

I whisper a prayer for Ralph and you and your family every time you enter my thoughts.

Colleen,

Sorry, it took me so long to mail the shirts. They were fun this year weren't they?

Dee,

As usual, your words brought comfort. You have a way with what you say that makes it so comforting.

Gotta go put two little guys to bed. Love you guys and even though I don't post often, I think of you often.

[mikesmum]

Well Indigo's its Boxing Day here. Originally a 'bank holiday' within the Commonwealth and St Stephen's Day I personally think its called Boxing day because of all the boxes we now have flattend in our recycle bin It a sporting day here. The Boxing Day Test Cricket match is held at the Melbourne Cricket Ground. Think baseball without the diamond??

Family Christmas for us was Christmas Eve. Grandies entered the house and made a beeline for the tree checking it out. Younger brother and his family came, his daughter now 17 bought the boyfriend..young love ahhhh. Mal's boys arrived after declining our invite.

We ate then came the presents. Mal organised all the grandies to take one present from the tree and hand it out. So much giggling, so many presents. This would have been Mike's job. He loved being with the little ones, their smiles, their excitement, their 'wow's'.

The next couple of hours was spent with young one trying out their gifts, sharing and of course more eating.

The candles burned throughout the evening. Mike wasn't mentioned once, but this year I didn't fall apart. I guess I kept my memories of this day to myself. A smile when I caught a glimpse of his picture to the side of our tree.

My younger brother (also another brother but lets not go there) and I are all that is left of our original family unit. Thoughts of Mike with his grandparents who loved him so much eased my heart this year.

There was one thing that happened Christmas morning. Exhausted after the family left Christmas Eve, I fell into bed. Slept soundly till around 4am when thunder and lightening woke me. I rolled over closed my eyes when I felt someone sit on my bed, close to my pillow. Thinking it was Mal telling me it was time to get up, I just layed there. I couldn't open my eyes. I don't know how long 'they' sat there. When I finally did open my eyes it was 10am. Mal hadn't been in my room.

I know how blessed I am not only to be Mikes mum, but to also have Melissa and Steven. Life isn't going smoothly for Steve at the moment, but he his here.

Our Christmases will never be the same. Not because our kids have grown, or lives have taken another direction, but because our worlds altered that one day in our lives. What we do have is our Indigo connection. That allows us to express the deepest of our thoughts and know that we are heard and more importantly understood.

Zak and Jeya Tree hunting

Baby Brother Bill with Muttley

Steven John & partner Kelly

Melissa Ann & Partner Jeremy

Missing my boy......

[heartbeataway]

Stopping by to give a Christmas hello ....

The boys had a good Christmas and were so cute in their Christmas jammies and their little faces filled with excitement.

We have heard nothing about the little girl. The waiting ...... oh, how I hate this waiting!

The children were a welcome distraction and I know they had a good day. We never got to the stockings. Maybe tomorrow ......

Last night after getting them in bed, I went to the basement to get the stocking hangers. All the family stockings were there.

It hit me like a punch in the gut. I held each one and ran my finger over the names. How different things are now compared to when he was still with us.

I took the hangers and brought them upstairs to the fireplace. I had tears streaming ... couldn't stop them.

Rich came over and held me while I let the dam burst ...... I just want our old life back.

And then I gained my composure, hung the filled stockings with two new names of little boys and finished up our "Santa" chores.

Ho ..... Ho ..... Ho ...... another year further away from our happy past life.

Greg,

I liked the shared writing from someone at your office. Jason would not want us to wallow in our loss of him and we try hard to

live a life that would make him proud of us.

Congrats on the new grandbaby news!

Carol,

I whisper a prayer for Ralph and you and your family every time you enter my thoughts.

Colleen,

Sorry, it took me so long to mail the shirts. They were fun this year weren't they?

Dee,

As usual, your words brought comfort. You have a way with what you say that makes it so comforting.

Gotta go put two little guys to bed. Love you guys and even though I don't post often, I think of you often.

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, I was so happy to read that the boys had a wonderful holiday. How grand of you and Rich to make sure of that for them. I know those tears when you come upon an artifact from the life of your Boy, that slam in the chest, it causes an otherworldly sense of this life. How could that have happened to us feeling. But I so agree, Jason is smiling on you for all the effort you have put forth to live your best lives in his light. His sunshiny light.

I hope that the waiting to hear will bring good news to you and know that we are rooting for you in all you do. Hugs to those little tired out Boys.

Trudi, your holiday sounds like it went smoothly. It still slaps me when I see shorts and a Christmas tree though. The kids had a wonderful time and I can just see you watching them as they delighted in their gifts and the festive mood. How is Mal feeling?

I smiled and said thanks to Mike for sitting with you last night, so strong a message to you::" just rest Mum, just rest, I am here."

And he is.

[ericasmom]

a golden angel:she was in the window of a large corporate building downtown and I took this image as I strolled that day after Thanksgiving.

[ericasmom]

more from that same day

[nicksdad]

[Susie_q512]

It's almost midnight here in Georgia. In a few minutes, Christmas will be over and done with. I have done surprisingly well today. No tears thus far....more a feeling of exhaustion. I believe that the days and nights of this past week which I spent shopping and purchasing decorations for the roadside memorial and grave drained me dry. I made several trips during the week to her grave, and there the emotions flowed out of me. I also spent much time in my car crying until I could compose myself enough to attack another store. There was a candle light gathering at the crash site on the 23rd. Christmas Eve was spent buying groceries, last minute items and spending some much needed time alone with her boyfriend, Dakota. I cooked our meal Christmas Eve night. I then stayed up til 4am wrapping gifts. I also put up a small lighted tree in the playroom for my nephews who have been living with us since Halloween. They were both surprised and please to find the tree this morning and their few gifts wrapped and waiting for them. Ragan's gifts were placed in her room during the night, and she opened them alone when she awoke. I was determined to spend this day inside in the comfort of my pajamas eating left overs....and I have succeeded. Memories pop into my mind and threaten to overtake me, but I am planning to sleep in Shannon's bed tonight, it will be then that I allow myself to give in to the sadness. I think it really helped that things were approached and handled so very differently.....today didn't really feel like a treasured holiday, but rather just another day, and a lazy one at that! Ragan has held herself together as well. She has laughed and also spent time with friends....some of whom are still here. It is nice to hear their voices and laughter echoing down the hallway. No doubt that she has shed tears and more will flow when she heads to bed, but overall, she and I have held together and faced this much dreaded day well. Many signs have been sent to me during this past week with the message that Shannon IS with me.....I imagine her smiling and cheering me onward in her encouraging manner. I've no doubt that she is pleased with the efforts made to make this day easier for her sister and honor her memory. I have experienced much heartache this week , and anger too, but have thus far weathered the storm.....it helps to KNOW she is with me, loving me, and spurring me forward. What a sweet gift from her to me this Christmas season!

I have read all the posts, followed the links, and enjoyed the pictures shared. I have been holding each of you close these past days and will continue to do so. Much love to all and wishes for peace and signs of your Angel's continued presence.

[crystalann]

Hello

I hope everyones day was the best it could be yesterday!

I made it thru but it was nothing like a holiday. I have always had a house full but not this year.Christmas eve was just me and my younger two. It just felt so sad.My oldest her husband and my grandson came late yesterday and my stepdad couldnt even smile.

His health has gone downhill so fast over the last couple months.He is just slowly starving.He just doesnt eat and has become so weak.Pretty sure he has just givin up..

Now its Monday again 51 weeks!? It doesnt seem real.What do I do next week? Does this road ever end or at least get less rocky?

I have always thought that God must have an important job for me when I go cause he sure does test me alot!

Thinking of you all

Love and hugs!

[Zoes_Momma]

I'm glad Christmas is over. Last year, our first without Zoë, is a blank. I don't remember anything about it. I had somehow tricked myself into believing this year would be better ("time will lessen your grief, izzi") but that was not the case AT ALL. I watched Zoë's beautiful two and a half year old son open Christmas presents. It is the first year he really "got" it...wrapped boxes mean something cool is inside. I become overwhelmed with grief that she was not, and never will be, present to see him grow. While filming his joy my tears spilled uncontrolled down my cheeks. I finally just had to step outside and lose it.

Then, her husband (a widower at such a young age) and I watched our traditional "A Christmas Story" together. At the end, you the audience watches the happy parents, with the husband's arm draped so effortlessly around his wife's waist, experience the peaceful moment of another wonderful Christmas day. Aaron and I sat next to each other, alone in a room together, in silence until the credits rolled. I could see from the corner of my vision, him wiping away the tears. I took him in my arms and he held my so tightly. I know his heart breaks for me, as mine breaks for him. All I could say was, "I'm so sorry you lost her."

I am angry, bitter, jealous, but most of all, so very empty inside. And next week is the New Year...a time of such excitement and renewal for most; a time of recognition that I will never make a new memory with Zoë. It is simply a marker of another year without her.

[ericasmom]

Izzi, I sure do hear what you are saying, feel what you are feeling too. I think that it was mighty powerful that you and your Daughter's husband sat together and watched a Christmas movie and cried together...Prayers.

Tyler's Mom, I know how hard it was to have Christmas feel so un-holiday-ish, it will change and morph each year into something different and eventually can be a nice time of year again, but always ALWAYS poignant and emotional.

Susan, I like that you honored your Ragan with gifts under her private tree and provided a tree for your nephews as well. Sometimes it is the doing that keeps you going.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends.

My Christmas was split. Christmas Eve sucked big time. I was not in a good mood and refused to take part in a family picture. I just cannot. I feel like I went over the top.

Christmas Day was good. Spent that with Aaron, Michelle, hubby and Michelle's b/f Mike. He wore Christmas shorts. Takes a confident man to wear that. I did not get out of my jami's.

It seems some here had a tolerable Christmas and others had OK times filled with Breakdowns. I think that is life now. We learn to not put ourselves in situations that cause us undue stress (my husbands family). I know it is me and not them. I know that.

Trudi, I read your post to my family and had them guess the country it was from. They knew right away, because I talk about you so much. When you come visit me, they will know alot about you.

Dee, you can always put a positive spin on life. I am learning from you, but my thick-head seems to be getting in the way (I am hard-headed, I know that too.)

Bonnie - What a blessing you and Rich are for Children in your area. Yes, I got the shirts. I guess I did not expect them, I give, because we want to help your cause. If Brian has a cause, I am sure you would help me, but "RECKLESS-TEENAGE-BOY SYNDROME" has not been officially recognized by the AMA.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

FOR SOME REASON I TOO CANT REMEMBER THE CHRISTMAS OF 2006 IDK IF I EVEN HAVE PICS....DONT WANNA HAVE A MELT DOWN....GGGZZ WISH I CLD REMEMBER

[Jeff's Mom]

I have spent the day walking down melancholy lane. I have learned this much from living my life after two years from experiencing the worst night of my life. We are all destined for death. A fact. No getting away from it. Relationships are the most important things in our lives.! Forget the trimmings and frills. The materialistic crap. Some enter our lives for a brief time... and then fade away. But those that make a huge impact ...well, they stay. They impacted our lives in a huge way. Fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, and friends...but our children? Too soon...far too soon. Death does not separate. Obviously in a physical sense...but the impact that that person's spirit left with us was so profound and meaningful that we will carry them with us for all time. Until we meet again. Sorry to sound so down. I miss him more then I can ever express. He was my son and my life. He had the most unbelievable spirit and sense of caring for everyone. I was his mother but he was my teacher. A purity of spirit. And he gave up on the goodness of people. WHY? He was too young. He deserved no less then you or I. I need to prove to myself that there is still goodness out there. There has to be.

[summergirl]

Sweet friends, Hope you all have made it through a very tough Holiday and that you had sweet memories along with some tears that flowed. We actually had a nice day with just the 3 of us in our jammies all day, Tavian enjoying all of his wonderful gifts and me smiling as his mommy shined though in his smile.....But how I miss her so. Later in the day we had a bunch of friends stop over for some cocktails and laughs and it was a nice time, we even talked about Jessica which made me smile even more....I have some very good friends who made my Christmas a bit easier.

Tavian and I took a ride this afternoon to Game Stop and then to Panera's for lunch...it was nice to be alone.

I heard a story Christmas eve day that made me cry....there is a woman who lives in Conneticut and her house caught fire, her and her friend managed to get out but she lost both her mom and dad and her 3 daughters in the fire.....I just cannot stop thinking about her, to lose all of your children and your parents is unimaginable - I am saying prayers for her and also for all others who have lost a loved one this Holiday and all other days.... Peace, Strength and Prayers my friends, Kathy

Pics of Tavian for all of you to see but especially for two very special people who know who they are....Bless you all my friends

[Susie_q512]

I have spent the day walking down melancholy lane. I have learned this much from living my life after two years from experiencing the worst night of my life. We are all destined for death. A fact. No getting away from it. Relationships are the most important things in our lives.! Forget the trimmings and frills. The materialistic crap. Some enter our lives for a brief time... and then fade away. But those that make a huge impact ...well, they stay. They impacted our lives in a huge way. Fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, and friends...but our children? Too soon...far too soon. Death does not separate. Obviously in a physical sense...but the impact that that person's spirit left with us was so profound and meaningful that we will carry them with us for all time. Until we meet again. Sorry to sound so down. I miss him more then I can ever express. He was my son and my life. He had the most unbelievable spirit and sense of caring for everyone. I was his mother but he was my teacher. A purity of spirit. And he gave up on the goodness of people. WHY? He was too young. He deserved no less then you or I. I need to prove to myself that there is still goodness out there. There has to be.

I'm with you, Kate. Although we have them in spirit, and we are thankful for our time with them and the love and relationship we shared, it's the physical child that we crave. We long for that physical contact and all that it contains. Maybe searching for the "goodness" that's still out there is actually seeking an understanding of "why"? Maybe it's searching for the goodness in why it happened? I can see no good in "why" our children are dead. I try to make sense of Shannon's death. I try to believe that whatever purpose she had to fulfill in this life was fulfilled....but it makes no sense and there is no comfort to be found. There are good people in the world. There is beauty and love....but without our children, it's dull and lifeless where we stand. We will never find an answer good enough to justify their deaths, so what do we do? I have no answer to that question. I just struggle through these unwanted days and nights. I fight against a future that I do not want. And I rage and scream and question.

[ericasmom]

And rage and scream and question is what you must do right now Susan, it is all part of this time, this very hardest time of early grief. I so wish it wasn't like this but it is.

Kate, I do believe that there is more goodness than not in this world though there are sometimes long spans of time that make us wonder sometimes. I wish I had answers for everyone wondering why so that I could actually give them some piece of knowing, but there simply no answers as to why until we meet up with them again. Then maybe, we will learn why they had to leave. Until then, finding goodness in the world is made harder, but perhaps, it is also made more important to locate.

Kathy, the photos of Tavian are dear. He seems so relaxed in these photos.

We have heard about the fire that took those five lives, three of them the daughters of the woman who survived. All I know is that she will have so much grjieving to do, how the hell will she manage that? Three daughters and her own parents. Goodness knows her heart is in shards and her mind must be nearly lost if not fully. She was/is an advertising executive in the fashion world in NYC. Bless her as she finds her way through too much way too much loss.

[lolynbo]

GUESS I GOT SIGN FROM KOURTNEY. I WAS TEXTN KIMMYS HUBBY. AND LAID MY PHONE DOWN. AND WHEN I PICKED IT UP. IT SAID. "CALL REGAN" SO I TXT REGAN AND SHE AND HER BF HAD BEEN FIGHTING. REGAN IS THE PREGNANT NURSE THAT TOOK CARE OF KOURTNEY.

[mom24]

I have spent the day walking down melancholy lane. I have learned this much from living my life after two years from experiencing the worst night of my life. We are all destined for death. A fact. No getting away from it. Relationships are the most important things in our lives.! Forget the trimmings and frills. The materialistic crap. Some enter our lives for a brief time... and then fade away. But those that make a huge impact ...well, they stay. They impacted our lives in a huge way. Fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, and friends...but our children? Too soon...far too soon. Death does not separate. Obviously in a physical sense...but the impact that that person's spirit left with us was so profound and meaningful that we will carry them with us for all time. Until we meet again. Sorry to sound so down. I miss him more then I can ever express. He was my son and my life. He had the most unbelievable spirit and sense of caring for everyone. I was his mother but he was my teacher. A purity of spirit. And he gave up on the goodness of people. WHY? He was too young. He deserved no less then you or I. I need to prove to myself that there is still goodness out there. There has to be.

Kate, You have just summed up how I feel. Thank you for posting this. No need to apologize for sounding down-thats why I joined this site. I'm not quite 2 months into this horror. I was hoping 2 years would feel better. But listening to all of you, I can tell I'll never be the same old me. I agree with you on the point "He deserved no less than you or me." I have had the same thought myself about my own son. He was being stupid driving intoxicated-- but look at all the others who have lived through such. (Myself included) Why was my life spared when I was a young, reckless kid and not my childs? Why did I get the chance to find the lord, marry, have children, make a life for myself? Why didn't god give him the same chances? I'm certainly not any more special. I find it hard to believe his purpose was fufilled. His life was filled with hardship and turmoil the last 2 years. I hated that for him. I prayed every day things would turn around for him. Some people have told me maybe god took him and spared him from worse things. Some have told me god doesn't take our loved ones- there is free will and god allows natural consequences. Well I don't want to believe anything other than it was god who took took him. I have to believe he is with god. Otherwise, I am tormented. I can't bring myself to talk to him because I don't want to believe he is still here. I hope he is in heaven and I am afraid I will be the reason he delays moving on. I do talk to god a lot. I sound like a crazy person, I know. I really don't know what happens after death. None of us do. I just want to know he is OK. Before he died, everything I loved was here on this earth. Now a part of me is not of this earth, and I can't help but to look forward to seeing him again. Death is on my mind a lot. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal. I worry more now for my other children. So much time, love, and work is invested in our children. All of that seems futile now. What was it all for if he was just to be taken too soon? Please forgive me for ranting. I'm so sad, angry, and just truly heartbroken right now... Maybe I can be more positive in the future. But for now, I just can't. I do need other parents like all of you. Rachael.

[ericasmom]

Rachel, I know we all believe different things, I hope you don't mind my take on my Loss, but what I believe is that there is indeed free will, there are accidents, there are illnesses, but God didn't make those things happen, God didn't take them but rather provides heaven to them when the time comes, to all of us when the time comes. Just my thoughts, and it does give me comfort to believe that Erica is there in Heaven with the others not because she was taken but because she was delivered when she died. She had a place to go I guess is what I am saying, and I do believe it is a beautiful place. I hope that you will receive some sort of sign or dream from your Child that let's you feel him at ease.

[mom24]

Dee, thank you. This is all so fresh and I don't know what to believe. To be honest, I am angry at times at Zach for being drunk, trying to outrun a train... Then there is guilt that I failed in raising him somehow... Although, in my heart, I know that isn't completely true. There were plenty of good times, but the bad ones haunt me... The free will part just pisses me off because he sure caused a lot of hurt.... I struggled so much in the beginning wondering if he had made it to heaven. My pastor assured me he had a peace in his heart that he did. Shortly after, I found his baptism pics from church camp from when he was a young teen. I was so thankful to have those. Zach was a funny, smart, kind, loving, gorgeous young man who absolutely loved to have a good time. He gave everyone huge bear hugs. He was so adventurous-- His friends tell me it was really incredidble. I do want to hear from him. I so want to know he is well. Bear with me please as I struggle.. I have no confidence anymore in things I was so sure of before. I do love my first born son with all of my heart and soul.

[Susie_q512]

Racheal - This experience and heartache shakes us to our very core. Everything we once believed to be true and right is challenged. I think that through this process we redefine ourselves, our beliefs, our values.....literally everything. At this moment in time, I am too angry to think about holy writings or much anything else to do with God or religious belief. I am absolutely and completely mad at God. If someone came at me with scripture or sermon anytime soon, I'd probably whack them over the head. That being said, there is one piece of scripture that I do allow to flow daily and nightly through my mind and heart.

"Yea, I have loved thee with an everlasting love; therefore with loving kindness have I drawn thee."

(My belief that God loves her far greater than even I love her, and it was with loving kindness that he drew her back to Himself on the day of her

passing.)

It is the only thing that brings me any measure of comfort...Believing she was loved, is loved, and is forever wrapped in that great love. Although I have lost Shannon in this physical life, I believe that she was never "lost", that she never experienced a feeling of being lost. I'd truly go mad without this belief.....Hope it helps comfort you and others as well.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's,

The woman who lost her three children in the fire also lost her parents. She has a long, hard road ahead of her.

I believe in divine intervention. I'm still not sure if the miracle is in the action of saving them or taking them. If "there" is so wonderful, perhaps they got the miracle. I know you and I disagree on this, Dee, but I absolutely think God took them. In my opinion, if God is able to intervene and he didn't (for whatever reason) then he is ultimately responsible. I think the difficulty arises in trying to believe in a loving God who would allow such unspeakable pain. What kind of God allows such horrible atrocities to occur to us humans? Either he doesn't exist, he doesn't care, he's a sadistic creator or he isn't in control after all (which makes him weak). I am not comfortable with any of those choices. I had to find another choice.

[ericasmom]

Rachel, I went to therapy about 6 mnths after ERi's car was struck by an Amtrak, back in 2003. I began here shortly before going to therapy. Anger is part of it and anger at our child is part of it as well. That anger is a hard thing to resolve but remember, we had anger at our kids when they were living, they did some ridiculous things, our anger did not kill them, we laughed again with them, so don't worry that your anger will disappoint Zach, he knows you better than anyone, he knows that you will also get through the anger piece and grieve the way parents do. It is a long process, and you never need ask for patience here, you need to let it all out, we are your listening friends, we may add our own beliefs just to show you that there are other ways to believe and also to show you that as time passes those here have found ways to live and to have developed their faith, whatever that faith is, once again/

Tell us more about your beautiful BOy.

[ericasmom]

I do believe in a kind God who does not have control over the world because if he did would there really be ethnic cleansing going on all over the world? That is free choice, would there be devastating wars, earthquakes, floods? I don't think so. God not having control on all of the creatures on earth does not mean he is weak, no, it is a we that would like to do as we like thinking we have no control so we leave it up to the divine that are weak. WE cause our own lives, not God. God provides us this world in which we live how we do, and provides everlasting where I do believe our Children are. God isn't playing with earth like a giant gameboard, "opps, forgot to fix the train signal, oh it is time for Eri to die." The world is here, we keep messing it up, but I do believe that each day we have the power to make good decisions to make it a better place. That is our free choice/ just my belief system.

[mikesmum]

Well its about 1.07am Wednesday morning. We have had quite a night here in our little cul de sac. After the last days I was beyond tired so took myself to bed around 7 pm. Mal started back on shift so he too went early.

We both heard a motorbike engine flying up the road, a thump then the engine stalling to a stop. Within a minute there was a loud banging on our door. Outside our house was a young man lying at the base of a small tree. He wasn't moving. Mal checked him and went inside to radio for backup. Our neighbour had called 000 (911) and gave me the phone. I could hear myself, the dispatcher, giving instructions to the EMD on the other end of the line. Extent of injuries, LOC, location, proximity to the ambulance (which is in our drive). Mal was on his radio calling for the chopper.

The young boy regained consciousness but was extremely confused.

Mal & his partner transported him to the major trauma unit given the mechanism of injury and his confused state. His injuries, #bilateral jaw, depressed cheek#, bilateral base of skull#, #clavical, dislocated shoulder. Oh yeah and some grazes. He was drunk, drug affected and wearing a baseball cap.

After he was loaded and Mal left I stayed behind with the police to 'finish up the job'.

I guess I will never stop being the 'dispatcher'. I know that in that split second from opening the door and seeing what was there, pj's and all I went right back to what I knew.

This young boy lives on the edge, always has, always will. This boy was beyond lucky tonight. I have known many young people who lost their lives in similar circumstances.

I'm thinking tonight of my Indigo family, those who have lost the ones they love through trauma. My brain is still in 'work mode'. Waiting for the crash....

Peace light and love to you all ~ Trudi

[Susie_q512]

Good morning, Indigo's,

The woman who lost her three children in the fire also lost her parents. She has a long, hard road ahead of her.

I believe in divine intervention. I'm still not sure if the miracle is in the action of saving them or taking them. If "there" is so wonderful, perhaps they got the miracle. I know you and I disagree on this, Dee, but I absolutely think God took them. In my opinion, if God is able to intervene and he didn't (for whatever reason) then he is ultimately responsible. I think the difficulty arises in trying to believe in a loving God who would allow such unspeakable pain. What kind of God allows such horrible atrocities to occur to us humans? Either he doesn't exist, he doesn't care, he's a sadistic creator or he isn't in control after all (which makes him weak). I am not comfortable with any of those choices. I had to find another choice.

Susannah - Sums up where I seem to be at this point in time. Just this past week,while attempting to add Christmas decorations at Shannon's grave, I was railing at God....pretty much expressing the same things. I had begun questioning some of my beliefs or things I had been taught prior to Shannon's death. Now I find that I have been stripped down to nothing and struggle with God and the concept of God... Who and What God is or isn't. Not sure where I will end up spiritually, but have a definite sense that it won't be where I started.

[Susie_q512]

I do believe in a kind God who does not have control over the world because if he did would there really be ethnic cleansing going on all over the world? That is free choice, would there be devastating wars, earthquakes, floods? I don't think so. God not having control on all of the creatures on earth does not mean he is weak, no, it is a we that would like to do as we like thinking we have no control so we leave it up to the divine that are weak. WE cause our own lives, not God. God provides us this world in which we live how we do, and provides everlasting where I do believe our Children are. God isn't playing with earth like a giant gameboard, "opps, forgot to fix the train signal, oh it is time for Eri to die." The world is here, we keep messing it up, but I do believe that each day we have the power to make good decisions to make it a better place. That is our free choice/ just my belief system.

I suppose there is no way to avoid the area of faith and how it is effected by tragedy. That's what I meant by saying we "redefine" everything about ourselves. I find myself leaning more towards a God who does not have the type of control I had been taught that He had. But, in leaning in that direction, I find myself asking yet more questions with no definitive answers in sight. Maybe I'm too new on this journey to sort out the complexities of faith and a belief system? So very complex and personal. I have recently found myself questioning what little I know of the law of intention/attraction.....did I unknowingly cause Shannon's death or this nightmare because my thoughts weren't right? Faith and all the various beliefs out there seem to hold no clear answers, and I find that I am still wrapped in guilt and that sense of responsibility because I failed to protect my child.....never-ending cycles. I just cling to my belief that life continues beyond this physical world, and our children are safe and maintain the ability to continue relationship with us on a spirit level. It's the only area of faith that I am sure of.

[lolynbo]

HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT ...OR VOICE SAID...IT WAS MY FAULT KOURTNEY DIED CUZ I AND HER DAD GOT DIV......IM SURE IT WAS THE DEVIL BUT STILL MADE ME FEEL CRUMMY

[ericasmom]

Of course Lori, that dream was not a message, a divorce is not the cause for any of our Children dying. Guilt is a strong and ugly force in our lives, but it is real, and we have to face it down and actively battle it sometimes. Still, it creeps into our dreams and leaves us feeling hung-over in many ways. Sometimes the best thing to do, and it may sound silly but it is a good thing to practice, is self-talk. Tell yourself what you would tell another parent who is feeling guilt for the death of their Child. Say the words that you would offer and mean to any other parent, say them to yourself.

Love you,

dee

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I just have to respond to your post, and yes, we continue to disagree on this subject, but that is fine, I just have to comment. You said if God could intervene but didn't, he is responsible...that takes away anyone's culpability in anything, and if it takes away fault, it also takes away pride and joy and effort as we don't cause any of it, God does. I just don't think humans are without cause, without purpose and effort and want. I think that if we were, we would have no cause to go to beam at our graduates, to learn to read, to train for a career, to grieve or mourn or be sad because we would just say, oh well God made a decision.

Again, just my thoughts here,

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - Wow! I'm impressed sounds so shallow, but I'm impressed with your knowledge and your ability. Glad the boy will be okay.

Lorri - I'd say that was a sign, indeed.

Susan - I certainly don't believe the same as I did.

Dee - I like your views of God and Heaven but I can't reconcile it with divine intervention. I have no answers for the horrific state of this world. Indeed, we've made a mess of things. But, I also can't explain miracles, NDE's or divine intervention.

[ericasmom]

I guess I just figure miracles are just that: miracles and we are so lucky to know of them, and NDE are a glimpse into all that awaits us. I don't see these interrupting either belief system.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Have not read all the posts but did want to share on the subject of Belief. I know for each of us it is different and very individual

I have struggled often with my concept of God and his Power within my life. Today I believe that my God is a Kind, Merciful God full of Wisdom, Compassion and Love. His ways are far above any I can understand and that life is full of both joy and pain

A spiritual writer that I read often believes that when we are in sadness and pain that is when God is close and guiding our spirits to a higher plane. I often cannot understand why I am in pain or have to venture onward without the support of my loved ones but I have come to accept that Life is a journey of the soul and it is often a painful one.

The loss of Stephen was indeed the most painful event in my life. From an early age I prayed for his well being and for guidance in raising him. I know without a doubt those prayers were answered and his life unfolded miraculously even following his father's death.

When he passed away I felt abandoned by that God that I was so grateful to.

It took many years to develop a more complete vision of his life experience and appreciate that my God allowed him his choices , his successes and failures, as he did to myself. When Stephen had learned all he needed to , his journey was finished and He called him home . He gave me this Indigo Family and the courage, wisdom and peace to continue in this life .

Life is not easy but with God's guidance and the help of my Indigo Family I have carried on.

Thank you all for showing me the way

[ericasmom]

Oh Sweet Betty, so good to see Stephen shining out at us and lifting my heart to know that you are at your keyboard too, speaking to us through your ever-loving heart. I am so glad to read your words today. They make such clear sense on a day that feels brighter because of them. Like the sound of a beautiful bell ringing the day awake. Thanks so much.

I am off to the gym with my Hubby and then to a woods walk with him as well. It is our 13th anniversary today and so we are joined in some fun endeavours. THen to a movie and maybe dinner. I am tired already.

Love to all,

[Guest msnher]

Dee - I contradict myself because I believe everything you just said is also true.

Betty - Once again, your heart shines through in your writing.

Lorri - Sorry about the awful dream you had. I think those dreams are our subconscious revealing our own thoughts to us. They're lies, of course, but we still have them (the thoughts).