Loss of an Adult Child

[sadmomm]

I made it out to the barn to feed this horse I have. Call her pretty girl. Came back in. played u tube Wildfire my favorite song when I was a little girl. Said she died in the song. Ironic. had forgotten that. Going to play Rhiannon now by fleetwood mac that would have been morgans name if he was a girl.....meaningful things thats what our kids need. lots of them... meaningful to them.. carrie

[rose20]

The holidays.

Every day is hard but especially holidays and birthdays.

For many of you this will be your first Christmas without your child.

Sometimes doing things differently may help you get through. For some keeping the holidays the same is important and for others they need to try something different.

I remember I could not even think of celebrating Christmas without my son, but I had two little ones yet at home, a two year old and five year old.

I remember crying this all out in prayer and it came to me that since Christmas is in honor of the birth of Christ to just make it a birthday. I know the Lord placed this in my heart to do. I was able to make it a birthday party. We called it the birthday party for Jesus. We decorated a huge poster board for my son and one that said "Happy birthday Jesus." We put up balloons.

The kids enjoyed decorating each board, I made a cake and we had our presents.

For some reason this made it more easier for me to get through.

We did not go to the big family get together like we always did we just had our little 'birthday' for Jesus at home.

It was so beautiful that this is what we have done ever since.

Do what you feel you can do.

If you can't do anything that is alright too.

It's ok to give yourself permission to do what you feel you can do.

Thinking of you all this Christmas season.

[Chris Mom]

When I think about Christmas and New Years Eve I just get sick to my stomach. I will not have any decorations at my home. Couldn't care less... I will go to my daughter's house and have dinner with them. I have three Grandbabies who will be missing us if we are not there. I will be sad, but I will try to be happy for my babies. Christopher will be there if only in all of our hearts. Mason my Grandson will miss Uncle Chris who would have played with him. I will be thinking of and praying for all of you so you may have a little peace.

[517958]

I like the idea of a birthday party for Jesus. I have been thinking that I need to celebrate the birthday of the man who died so that I will see my little girl again in heaven some day. I'm going to my local Angel of Hope memorial service tonight. I think it's a nation-wide service if you have an Angel of Hope (from the Christmas Box story) in your area. We have one only 10 minutes from our house so we purchased a brick there for Charlotte. So I'm feeling extra sad and angry today I guess. Thanks for letting me rant and giving me hope that it might get a tiny bit better over the years.

[drobertsdt]

Here's a question for all of you that have seen many Christmas times since you lost your babies - Will Christmas ever not suck? This is the frist one in my life that I haven't looked forward to. I'm usually the annoying one who starts listening to Christmas music before Thanksgiving. Now I want to run into the street and yell at the top of my lungs, "F You guys and your Merry F'ing Christmas with your living F'ing kids!!!!" People keep asking me, "Hey, did you put up your tree and lights yet?" and "What are you doing for Christmas" all cheery like. I want to tell them that this year I'd rather just crawl into a hole and die but I did put up a tree and decorate for my 3 year old that deserves to have some fun after the terrible year she's had to endure.

PS. Sorry for my F bombs and the rant. I guess I'm back to anger again. Whoever thought the stages of grief occur in succession needs to have his/her head examined.

Thank you Angela, you said exactly what I was thinking! That is what I want to do too. I am right there with you...everybody is so HAPPY as they prepare for this supposed to be wonderful holiday, i am dreading it big time. It is hard when you have other children though, i know i am in the same boat. I have a 11 month old grandson who my son left behind...it will be his first Christmas...anyways...know I am thinking of you and feel your pain. If you need to vent or talk, please don't hesitate.

[RonnieAlt]

Christmas this year will be so hard, my first one without Cherry and my first one with my 17 year old son who moved in with me last February. I have to make the holiday somewhat nice for my son James.I am devastated. I started smoking cigarettes and now I am drinking alcohol everyday. I am not doing good at all. They found the drug dealer that sold my daughter her fatal dose dead of an overdose. It doesn't make me happy. I guess he can't kill anyone else again.

I got drunk the other night and started taking pill after pill of muscle relaxers. My husband saw what I was doing and flushed the pills down the toilet. I know I don't really want to die (when I am sober) but I was drunk and it seemed simple, to leave here and be with my daughter again. How stupid of me. I will not be trying to hurt myself again, I promised my family that much. I don't know how to continue living, but will have to do that one minute at a time.

Thanksgiving was so hard, it was Cherry's favorite holiday, we had plans to spend it together and she died before I could fly up to be with her. Christmas just seems like torture to me. I did put up a small fake tree, but can't seem to do anything else.I also have 3 grandchildren who look forward to Christmas with me each year. I will have to somehow go on auto-pilot and get through it.

My prayers go out for all of you who have lost a child and must face these holidays without them. I cry for you, my heart breaks for you, Christmas just seems so empty now for us. I think we have to change what we do so it is bearable and maybe start our own new traditions that have meaning for us in honor of our beloved children we lost.

I think I will announce to everyone, that this year we will do things a little different in honor of Cherry. Everyone will buy just one person in our family a present, so each of us gets one present. Then, each of us will donate a gift, our time, or money to a charity in honor of Cherry. Cherry would like that idea, she was not materialistic, and loved to help others. That will make Christmas simple and easier to take.

[Chris Mom]

I am so sorry to say this, but I wish they would find Chris' dealer dead! My heart is breaking and I can't fill this emptiness I feel inside.

[lolynbo]

I will scream and cry into the storm clouds, when thunder and lightning come

I will kiss you in the warm sunshine, I will feel you in the breeze

I will hear you whisper in the wind, and will talk to you in the clouds

I will fly away to meet you one day, where we will never say goodbye again

I will know you are near when butterflies and dragonflies land

I will trust you to the Lord until we meet again, and you can introduce me to all your new heaven friends

Goodbye for now my angel, rest in peace and know I love you so

LOVE IT

[rlolheiser]

Tony, I am sorry I missed Brendans angelversary.. I think of him often.. I have read your posts and sent many prayers and thoughts your way. Its so hard to go through the first year, and the next.. I think it is always hard.. yes time heals, but there is always a scar, a piece of us has been torn from us and it leaves a scar.. Your angel is missed dearly.. Brendan.. Brendan.. Brendan..

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol and Ralph...thinking of you tonight. Hope you had a slightly better day. You are definitely in my prayers. Please take care of yourself...Carol.

Kate

[Chris Mom]

Went to Chris' facebook wall tonight. So many new posts from friends still wanting to talk to him. I love them all for showing this kind of love to my son. I cry for a long time because I hope he knows how much love everyone had for him. I am not sure he knew and that makes me so sad. I do talk to him and tell him about the news in the neighborhood and who I have talked to. Since he passed away two friends have written their papers for classes on him. He was a great person who briefly lost his way. I am lost and alone without him now. I just keep thinking I can't believe he will never walk through the door again. Why did this happen to him. He was my best friend and I miss him very much. I am so sorry for everyone here who has to face this kind of pain. It is so hard. It does get softer as time goes by. I know because my sister lost two children a week apart 10 years ago. she told me. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Chris' Mom Barb

[ericasmom]

Barb, I clicked on the small photo you posted and saw your Chris in his full beauty. What a beautiful boy, those eyes shining out. I know you miss him more than words will ever describe. Please know that he knows all he should know now, and that he is rooting for you as you find your way. I talk to Eri too, it gives me great comfort to feel I can just talk with her at any time.

I do not remember who posted the other day asking me if I saw the sad news with the dad dying with two daughters in a small plane crash. Yes I saw that news and cried for the family who now deals with the loss of three members. How incredibly sad, what wil the Mom and Son do and who will help them? No doubt though, there will be people surrounding them and trying to help them. The sibling left will have a lot to deal with and Mom and he will be very low for a long while. I hope that they get some help.

I have not written much as I am trying to work on report cards each evening and shopping for the family my class adopted: three kids and a mom. So the students shopped on line but there is no way that we began early enough to have things sent since all needs to be delivered this Friday, so I take the items they hoped to get and go to the stores and try to find them. Exhausting! Anyhow, going to bed, so very tired. Be well All.

[mikesmomrs]

Just a quick post...its been an incredible day, unfortunately. Hubby has developed double pneumonia. He's had to be stuck SO many times with them trying to find a vein. His original IV blew and they had to do another. Fortunately, a nurse well known for finding difficult veins was on duty and he was able to place a new one on the first try. Because of the kidney problems some of his meds are requiring some intense monitoring but this doctor seems to really know her stuff. They were planning placing a pic line but the kidney doctor said no because there is only one vein in each arm that can be used for dialysis, and that is the one that would be used for the pic line, allowing for the possibility of damage to the vein and then they couldn't use it for the dialysis. So they are considering putting in the port that will be used during chemotherapy. Mike was pretty upset by all of these developments today, and it didn't help when the doctor told him he will very likely wind up on dialysis after the pancreatic cancer surgery. So, a day of much too much happening. Hopefully we will both get a good nights sleep tonight and face it fresh tomorrow.

I thank you all again for your kind support and prayers.

TONY: so good to hear from you and so sorry I did not post for Brenden's anniversary. I am sorry that you are feeling so down. I hope that little jackson is doing okay, and you and your wife are able to have peace over the upcoming holidays with him. It is SO tough to even think about, but having another little one in the house can sometimes force the issue for us and allow us the strength to get through those holidays and maybe even have a few new memories to store away for those days when we really need that something extra to help us to breathe. Having our son's three young boys to have to help provide a Christmas for truly kept us breathing through it all.

My heart goes out to all of you as you face these first holidays without your child. It is not easy, but just like the rest of this grieving process it is something we have to move through and not around it. But, still,we must remember that we need to try to only do what we feel comfortable with and if that means hiding under the covers all day (or all week) until the carols have stopped playing, then that is what we must do, and my prayer for those so new to their loss is that you will be allowed the freedom to do that if that is what you need.

I know we have even more people who have found their way to this site, and I am so very very sorry that you ever had a reason to be here.

Got to go, mikes IV machine is beeping away and no nurse in site.

I love you all and have you and your angels in my heart and my prayers always.

[Chris Mom]

Dee: thank you for looking at Chris' pic. He is my beautiful son both inside and out. I always loved his dark hair and gorgeous green eyes. Hope you get all your shopping done and take care of you.

[Susie_q512]

Haven't posted much lately, but I have read all y'all's posts. I am so saddened to see the many new parents here recently. Every time I see a new person arrive here, my breath catches and my heart aches.....and I ask "WHY?".....never get an answer to that question, but still my heart screams the question. We've had a tragedy it our community; A first for our county. A 7 year old girl was abducted Friday. They found her body in a dumpster Monday afternoon. She had been raped and severely beaten. Investigators are still searching for the perpetrator. My heart has broken all over again....I will never understand crimes committed against children.....and I have absolutely no feelings of mercy or compassion for the monsters that do such things as this. Losing my child to an accident is so difficult to bear; how does a parent live with the knowledge that their child suffered so much in their last moments? Makes me sick and so very angry.

I have been struggling lately. I did put up decorations, but not in the traditional manner. Instead of a big tree in the living room decorated with our family ornaments, I decorated the mantel. It's simple, but was do-able. Two small fiber optic trees on either side, garland, a heart shaped collage of pictures of Shannon, and a few snowmen. I also placed Shannon's favorite thing there - a Santa that sings when the button is pushed. Just want to get a memory candle for her, and then it will be complete. It took all I had within me to do this simple act of acknowledgement. I did it for her, because she loved this season, and I felt she would be disappointed if I ignored it completely. She gave me a very vivid sign immediately after I finished....her stamp of approval or "Thank you." I believe she was with me, cheering me onward and loving me. My niece Beth stayed over Monday night and helped Ragan decorate the live tree she wanted for her room. They completed it yesterday using our family ornaments and blasting Christmas music. I hated listening to that music, but was thankful to hear their laughter during such a sad moment in time. I am so very proud of Ragan and the strength she has shown since her sister's death.

Char's Mom - I have repeatedly used the "F" bomb and made those exact same comments about the season and all that comes with it. I was not one to be envious of others or their happiness, but now I find that I am....must be a symptom of being forever changed.

Carol - Not a day goes by that you and Ralph are not in my heart and prayers. I am so sorry to read of the difficulties that Ralph is having with his health and the added stress and worry that it causes you. Praying, Praying, Praying for the both of you.

Wish I had the time and mental fortitude to respond to each of you individually.....there is much that I wished to express with love, support and understanding, but I am spent. Jeff is sick. We were at the doctor's office for 5 hours Monday and due back again this morning.....hoping it's not another long visit.

Holding each of you and your Angels close to my heart each and every day.

[Jeff's Mom]

Hi Susan, I was just thinking of you last night snd wondering how you were doing. I read about the little girl that they found dead. That is just horrible! Far too many sickos out there!!!

I was so impressed to see that you put up decorations on your mantle. I know how hard that can be. And really pleased to see that Ragan and Beth got together to put up that tree. I guess we're almost getting to the count down now, as we only have a couple of weeks left. Hang in there...a New Year is coming.

We headed over to the hospital last evening to see the lights on the tree that they placed in the Healing Garden. It is lovely and very brightly lit. Any other time had I seen it ...it would not have registered the pain behind it. We stood at the window quietly looking.... deep in our own thoughts and memories of Jeff. Someone has placed a lit golden angel beside it. It brought tears to our eyes. We drove home in silence. But once we arrivd back here it was business as usual. I am dreading next week. Another milestone. Two years.

Sorry to see that Jeff is sick again and you are doing the hospital waiting bit. It can be so tiring in that setting. Look after yourself and force yourself to eat properly. That's an order! And you too Carol!!! You don't need to get run down either of you. Dee was right in suggesting vitamins. Good idea.

Well, that's about it for now. Our dog is still pretty ill. This insulin regulating stuff is not easy to balance. Keep your fingers crossed she makes it. She was Jeff's dog.

To all the new people here...wishing you a peaceful day.

Kate

[Guest msnher]

Carol - I have no words, just love. Praying!

Susan - The vast emotions I feel about the horrible crime committed against that little girl (and all children) range from rage to helplessness. Trying to understand makes me crazy.

My bathroom is all but finished. I just have to find the right size screws for the nobs on the closet doors. My finger tips are raw. The rest of the house looks like an episode of hoarders.

Bless the beasts and the children...........................

[Guest msnher]

I'm going to steal from Kate this morning. Some of you know I process my thoughts and emotions through writing. I'm narcissistic enough that I require an audience....and I'm self centered enough to believe that if I'm thinking it, feeling it, others are, too. Here's what I'm stealing from Kate....for me today...when things are SO bad and look so horrific on the outside...when all we can see and feel are the tragedies and pain and sorrow that living brings, it is imperative that we find something to relieve that darkness. We have to find a sliver of light to keep us from being swallowed into the black hole of existence. Turning our attention elsewhere, for just a moment, does not mean we don't care. It does not mean we are burying our head in the sand. It is just a drink of water in the hot, dry desert. The rape and murder of that little girl has hit me deeply. As each crime against a child does...hits me right to the core. For my own survival I have to process it quickly. Processing does not mean accepting or condoning or being flippant...it just means...well, processing. As is common with humans, most often we find something from our past we can draw on. Either another's experience, or our own. When it comes to child abuse, I draw from both. My own upbringing was wrought with every form of violence. So, was my grandchildren...Stephanie's children. I had never known the kind of hatred and rage I felt towards their perpetrator (their step father's new girlfriend). Over 200 pictures would be taken of their bruised and battered bodies. Mariah Dawn was only seven years old when we got them. She stood beside me, on a stool, at the kitchen sink, rinsing the dishes as I washed. She chatted away...making up for the time they had been lost to us. This is what came out of her mouth as nonchalantly as if she had just told me I missed a spot....she continued to rinse the dishes...playing in the water, as she spoke.........."There are bad people in the world, Grandma, but there are more good people than there are bad. Bad things happen, but more good things happen than good."

Out of the mouths of babes.................

[Susie_q512]

I'm going to steal from Kate this morning. Some of you know I process my thoughts and emotions through writing. I'm narcissistic enough that I require an audience....and I'm self centered enough to believe that if I'm thinking it, feeling it, others are, too. Here's what I'm stealing from Kate....for me today...when things are SO bad and look so horrific on the outside...when all we can see and feel are the tragedies and pain and sorrow that living brings, it is imperative that we find something to relieve that darkness. We have to find a sliver of light to keep us from being swallowed into the black hole of existence. Turning our attention elsewhere, for just a moment, does not mean we don't care. It does not mean we are burying our head in the sand. It is just a drink of water in the hot, dry desert. The rape and murder of that little girl has hit me deeply. As each crime against a child does...hits me right to the core. For my own survival I have to process it quickly. Processing does not mean accepting or condoning or being flippant...it just means...well, processing. As is common with humans, most often we find something from our past we can draw on. Either another's experience, or our own. When it comes to child abuse, I draw from both. My own upbringing was wrought with every form of violence. So, was my grandchildren...Stephanie's children. I had never known the kind of hatred and rage I felt towards their perpetrator (their step father's new girlfriend). Over 200 pictures would be taken of their bruised and battered bodies. Mariah Dawn was only seven years old when we got them. She stood beside me, on a stool, at the kitchen sink, rinsing the dishes as I washed. She chatted away...making up for the time they had been lost to us. This is what came out of her mouth as nonchalantly as if she had just told me I missed a spot....she continued to rinse the dishes...playing in the water, as she spoke.........."There are bad people in the world, Grandma, but there are more good people than there are bad. Bad things happen, but more good things happen than good."

Out of the mouths of babes.................

Wise words from one so young.....gives me hope. And she is right about more good people and good things in life than bad. A child's heart is truly a beautiful thing....so pure. I stand in awe. Please tell me how Amanda is doing following her procedure to insert the pacemaker. I think that I read that she was doing well, but my memory is not trustworthy anymore. Glad your bathroom is nearly completed, and oh, how I understand the mess that is made when working on a project such as that. I try to look at the extra work as something that will occupy me for awhile, but my mind and body put up a good fight against getting anything done.

[Susie_q512]

Hi Susan, I was just thinking of you last night snd wondering how you were doing. I read about the little girl that they found dead. That is just horrible! Far too many sickos out there!!!

I was so impressed to see that you put up decorations on your mantle. I know how hard that can be. And really pleased to see that Ragan and Beth got together to put up that tree. I guess we're almost getting to the count down now, as we only have a couple of weeks left. Hang in there...a New Year is coming.

We headed over to the hospital last evening to see the lights on the tree that they placed in the Healing Garden. It is lovely and very brightly lit. Any other time had I seen it ...it would not have registered the pain behind it. We stood at the window quietly looking.... deep in our own thoughts and memories of Jeff. Someone has placed a lit golden angel beside it. It brought tears to our eyes. We drove home in silence. But once we arrivd back here it was business as usual. I am dreading next week. Another milestone. Two years.

Sorry to see that Jeff is sick again and you are doing the hospital waiting bit. It can be so tiring in that setting. Look after yourself and force yourself to eat properly. That's an order! And you too Carol!!! You don't need to get run down either of you. Dee was right in suggesting vitamins. Good idea.

Well, that's about it for now. Our dog is still pretty ill. This insulin regulating stuff is not easy to balance. Keep your fingers crossed she makes it. She was Jeff's dog.

To all the new people here...wishing you a peaceful day.

Kate

So glad that you were able to go to the hospital and see the tree decorated. I am sure that many will be blessed by its presence. Praying for your dog as well. Regulating diabetes is challenging and changes have to be made often during the course of treatment. Has she been placed on a diabetic diet as well?

[ericasmom]

Carol, I am holding you close as you and Ralph travel this unknown path. I am with you and I am asking all of our Angels to sit beside you and the doctors as procedures are done and the more waiting is needed for results. I pray for results that allow for healing and treatment so that Ralph can play in the surf again.

The rape and death of that little girl is the deepest crime against humanity and I agree with you, I have no pity or empathy for those who can destroy as they did, and to torture as they did. NONE! I also know what it is to be abused and while I was not beaten, my soul was beaten down by the constant sexual abuse I lived through. THat little one was not born to the world to endure this kind of horrific ending. Prayers for her, for her family and friends. Deep thoughts rummage through my mind as I try to find a way to hold this child without the brutality that took her.

[Jeff's Mom]

Dee...I am realy sorry that you suffered as you did as a child. I can not understand how any person could treat a person or child in such a demented way. Words fail me except to say that I hope they catch the persons responsible for that little girls death and give them the full measure of what she had to endure. The police work their buns off to catch these guys and some do gooder lawyer or high profile law firm use the media attention and get them off. Itis so sad. I say toss them in prison WITHOUT any chance of parole. HARD LABOUR for LIFE!

Susan, I write because it is a form of catharsis.And you are not being narcissistic by writing about your true feelings. You are just showing who you are as a person by expressing yourself honestly. I like that. I do look for a sliver of light in that dark hole. I have to. I have being through much in my life that probably would have done many in before this. My life has not been an easy one. I find the good in whatever each day has to offer.

Yes, my dog is pretty sick. But I have every hope that she will hopefully have another bit of time left. I have to measure her food and water intake. Use strips to check her urine every day and measure the insulin according to her food intake. It is kind of tiring,but she has earned every bit of attention. She has always been a faithful and loyal friend.

[Susie_q512]

An arrest was made today at 12:30 in the abduction, rape, beating and stabbing death of Jorelys Rivera. She celebrated her 7th birthday August 20th. Investigators are very confident that they have arrested the person responsible; A 20 year old maintenance worker at the apartment complex she lived in and was abducted from. Police say she was killed within 2 hours of being taken. Kudos to Cherokee County and Georgia law enforcement for their hard work and commitment. Praying now that they build a solid case and this monster receives the maximum penalty, which is death in Georgia....still think they should just turn him over to local parents for justice. No doubt we could take care of him real quick like. (I have no heart for criminals such as this. Kill 'em and send 'em on their way to Hell is my motto.)

[drobertsdt]

Bonnie

Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter Cherry Lynn with us. I enjoyed reading about her and getting to know who she was. She sounds like a truly remarkable young lady. I am so sorryfor your loss. I know how your heart is crushed. I too lost my son on Sept. 19, 2011 to drugs. Know that we are here to lend an ear and somehow someway we will endure each day. Somedays...well somedays are harder than others. Our lives have been forever changed. I just wish we could have them back!!!! I know we cannot, but how how my soul wants that.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Dixie - Adrian's mom forever!

[lolynbo]

SUSAN GLAD THEY CAUGHT THE BAD GUYS......

NOT MUCH TO SAY HERE....JUST BREATHING...

BOUGHT USED DOGGIE STROLLER TODAY...KIDDOS LOVE IT

SOLD THE HONDA TODAY SO ONE LESS MEMORY OF BROOKE FOR KODY..

[sadmomm]

Ronnie I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter. My son was also non materialistic. And the thoughts have gone through my mind. about this. I read somewhere about this after Morgans death that they rebel against this materialism. My cousins child also got involved in drugs. And he was against this materialistic ... I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to him. He was at Morgans funeral. A year younger than Morgan. He got to the point where he stole from his mom. I think we have failed our kids. Well .. I know all that I did wrong. But that was the past. And the past is haunting me but I cannot change it. Should I loose my mind over it? I may. But How do we share what we have learned with other parents. And my son died in a lake. I guess he walked on the ice. There was no way out. And it is beginning to get to be that time of year. I didn't warn him. I remember I used to make them write when they were punished.. Why didn't I make them write about not dying. or essays on drugs. I know drugs played a role in his poor decision that led to his accident. Because drugs make the mind less sharp. I would like to be positive. I know the last time I wrote no one responded. And it made me sad but I was thinking because I was so negative. I curse. smoke.. I think I will give up the drinking because it has put so much weight on me.

But when I went to the shrink he wanted to put me on abilify. And I read the paper and it said it could cause suicidal thoughts and I thought I am not taking this pill for that is all we need. I just want you to know I would like to somehow make his name known forever. But I am not sure how to do that. Maybe we can figure out how to do this together. Carrie

[Cheeto]

I apologize for my delay in posting. My laptop doesn't seem to like me a lot these days, so when I try to reply, it freezes up and then it's hard for me to start all over. I do want to thank those of you that have replied for reaching out for your kind words and for those of you who have recently lost a child (well, all of us have or we wouldn't be here), you have my condolences and are in my thoughts. I am glad I found this place because now I think I can talk more openly about things and hopefully that will help me in this process. My next post will be how I came to end up here, but for now, all I can say is thank you for the support and for your help.

Chris-Amelia'sDad

[Susie_q512]

Ronnie I am so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter. My son was also non materialistic. And the thoughts have gone through my mind. about this. I read somewhere about this after Morgans death that they rebel against this materialism. My cousins child also got involved in drugs. And he was against this materialistic ... I haven't really gotten a chance to talk to him. He was at Morgans funeral. A year younger than Morgan. He got to the point where he stole from his mom. I think we have failed our kids. Well .. I know all that I did wrong. But that was the past. And the past is haunting me but I cannot change it. Should I loose my mind over it? I may. But How do we share what we have learned with other parents. And my son died in a lake. I guess he walked on the ice. There was no way out. And it is beginning to get to be that time of year. I didn't warn him. I remember I used to make them write when they were punished.. Why didn't I make them write about not dying. or essays on drugs. I know drugs played a role in his poor decision that led to his accident. Because drugs make the mind less sharp. I would like to be positive. I know the last time I wrote no one responded. And it made me sad but I was thinking because I was so negative. I curse. smoke.. I think I will give up the drinking because it has put so much weight on me.

But when I went to the shrink he wanted to put me on abilify. And I read the paper and it said it could cause suicidal thoughts and I thought I am not taking this pill for that is all we need. I just want you to know I would like to somehow make his name known forever. But I am not sure how to do that. Maybe we can figure out how to do this together. Carrie

Carrie - I am so saddened that you have lost your child. My daughter was recently killed in a car accident. I also struggle with guilt, but in a different manner. I think we, as parents, always blame ourselves. Maybe it is the protective instinct embedded within us? Our kids died.....we failed to prevent it.....drives us to near madness some days. I smoke. I curse. I dare not drink because I have a past of alcohol and drug abuse.....many years ago - before kids.....but, as they say, "Once an addict, always an addict." I did it to self medicate.....hide from the pain and feelings of self loathing and worthlessness. If I give into it now, well, I'd become a drunk and drug user again....it's my personality trait. I agree that it would be wise not to drink. Alcohol is a drug, and its numbing effect is a lie. It will only drag you down deeper, and it's no way to honor your son's memory or the struggles he faced. I take medication daily with no ill effects...it's just a matter of finding which medication works for you. It's a healthier choice than alcohol. Maybe there is a local group who reach out to others within the community in which you can one day become active in? Helping to save the lives of others may give new meaning and purpose to your life and also honor Morgan's life and spirit? Or possibly working with the homeless or food drives since Morgan was not materialistic? Many of the homeless are addicts or have lost everything due to addiction. Just some suggestions. Hoping that I have not offended you and praying you find a peaceful moment tonight.

[drobertsdt]

Carrie

I may not b much help but I wanted u to know that u r in my thoughts and prayers. This is just my personal opinion and what I keep telling myself. U can't beat urself up for what u did or didn't do. We r all human and do the best we can as parents. I have regrets and should of would of could of's too. That will only drive u crazy. I think in time doors will b opened so that u will b able to make ur sons name and story known. I think when we get to a healthy place where we will b able to help people. I think some of thosethat have been on this road a little longer than I may offer some good advise. Know that u aren't alone. Please take care of urself.

[summergirl]

Hello my dear friends...been a few days since I have been here and am so saddened by the arrival of "new members" - I welcome you all but with a heavy heart knowing that you are traveling this road of grief and pain. You have come to a place where you will find strength, love, hugs, wisdom and many, many loving, caring hearts....All here "understand" so stay with us and we will guide you......I have been on this site for 5 years and I am never leaving - sometimes I take a break as I become overwhelmed - but I ALWAYS keep everyone in my heart and prayers.

Carol - I am so sorry !! Enough already for Ralph and you.....We are all hugging you and keeping you in our prayers. I am glad that you keep us updated as much as you can.....You never cease to amaze me, going through everything you are and you still take the time to try and help those here....Big hug my friend.

Carrie - I so wish I could come and be with you....I feel your pain leaping off the page as I read and I am so sorry. I know what drugs can do to a family, I know the guilt we carry for what we should have done, could have done but we have NO control over what our child does when they are grown no matter how hard we try, how much we want to it just is not possible where drugs or alcohol are concerned. I do not find that you are negative at all....I hear a mother with a broken heart trying to make sense of something there is no answer for......I lost my daughter Jessica almost 6 years ago...Feb 18, 2006 - she was my best friend, my daughter. She left behind a son Tavian who was 4 at the time, he lives with my hubby and I, we have full custody....Jessica brought Tavian to our house as we were keeping him so she could go to dinner with friends...The last thing she said to me was "I love you mom, call me in the morning"....The knock on the door came aroung 1 a.m. - Jessica had died of ARVD - a heart attack at the age of 26.....I miss her today as much as that day but the pain is softer and time has eased the ache in my heart. I take 2 medications - one is Lexapro which I take one in the morning and the other is Xanax which I take one in the morning and one at nite...I am not ashamed to admit that I need them, they do not make me loopy, tired they simply take the "edge" off so that I can function easier...I hope some day to not have to take them but my motto is "if it really helps me then I am taking them" I hope you give it some thought, it may help you....and by the way I smoke too - I don't like it and do not smoke alot but I smoke....we are not perfect people - we are human. I am sorry for going on so much but you have touched my heart and I wanted you to know that we are all here for you.

To all my dear friends here I am wishing you a peaceful nite, sweet dreams and peace, Prayers and Hugs, Kathy (Will try to catch up with everyone....I miss you all)

[ericasmom]

Chris, Ronnie, and Adrian's Mom, all of this is new for you and all I can say is let it out, over adn over if you would like, we are here for you. I know that I still will repeat our story sometimes and it is 8.5 years later, Erica never far from thought and heart, but I try not to allow too much replay of the events that took her from here. At first, you must replay, it is instinct, you keep trying to change the outcome, then you drive yourself rather nuts cause you can't and you didn't, (normal amount of guilt for all parents) and then you realize just how real it is and the shock begins to wear off adn you are left in a lonely state....but we are here, we get that and it is here that many have learned to breathe again.

Carrie, you didn't get a response the other day in part because it was a very very busy day for many, there were not many posts but those that did post were new to the site as I recall. Please don't take it personally that you don't always get a response, it just is the nature of this site when so many new people join us. I know that posts help you feel listened to of course, but know that I read your posts and I said a little prayer in my day at school but I cannot always post when I'd like. Maybe we should try ot chat sometime so then there is instant posting. Maybe if we all can think of a time for chat room, we can have a big talk. I can't until after Friday school day is over as I am working on report cards...or should be.

Peace

[summergirl]

Someone special made this of Jessica and I have to share it.....

Miss you my girl....Loving you and holding you close always...Saying your name out loud JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA.....always and forever your mom....

[summergirl]

Dee - I would love to do a chat time....count me in...

[Chris Mom]

I want to apologize to you all for not responding and showing support to everyone. I am over-whelmed, can't seem to focus on anything I read. I feel like I am just going to break down soon. I am my 91 yo mother's primary caregiver and I am having trouble dealing with it. Believe me you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Remember to take it one day at a time.

Chris' Mom Barbara

[ericasmom]

Barb, hang on there, hang on, thinking of you too.

Kathy, what a beautiful candle. Does everyone know about world light a candle day on the 11th? Put a candle out for your Child and if you google it, you may see that there is a community candle lighting in your area, for those who have lost a child.

[drobertsdt]

U all are truly amazing people. I read all of the posts and everyones stories and it touches my heart. Thank u all for being here ;unfortunately we are here.

Long day.for me. I pray for u all....

[lolynbo]

I GUESS WE'RE NOT HAVING OUR CANDLE LIGHTING. NO WORD OF IT YET. VERY DISSAPOINTED IN OUR CF GROUP. MAY HAVE TO START DRIVING OUT OF TOWN

[Susie_q512]

U all are truly amazing people. I read all of the posts and everyones stories and it touches my heart. Thank u all for being here ;unfortunately we are here.

Long day.for me. I pray for u all....

Your son is handsome and your closeness is revealed in your photo. I am just heartbroken that you have been placed on this journey and joined this club, but am so happy that you found your way here. You are now among a wonderful group of people who understand, accept, encourage and support each other. I lost my 16 year old daughter Shannon, 11 weeks ago. She was killed instantly when she lost control of her car and traveled into the path of an oncoming SUV. She wasn't doing anything wrong to cause the accident....not texting or using her phone at all, not speeding, and her radio didn't work. She just had a moment of distraction, possibly looking for something in the passenger seat or reaching for something. We said our goodbyes, hugged and kissed, and we both left for work. About 3 minutes later, about a mile from our home, she was killed. I, like others here, have been stumbling through Hell since that day. I will never understand why and replay that day over and over analyzing every detail and every thing I could have done differently to have prevented it from happening. I take great hope from those parents here who are further along on this journey.....I cling to that sliver of hope like a lifeline. I cannot imagine that I will ever be that far along on this miserable road.....that I will ever feel anything other than this torment, but they give me hope. I look forward to getting to know you and your wonderful angel.

[sadmomm]

Susan Shannons Mom thanks for the comfort. As I awake this new morning it was a comfort thanks.

Adrians Mom thanks also for the comfort. It is a new day. A day full of sunshine. Morgan would have loved it.

Jessicas Mom thanks for your help and talking about this. I hope we all find some peace. After a huge part of our life was ripped from us. They wouldn't want us to cry and scream forever. They brought so much love into our lives. Filling that void will be a tremendous challenge.

Dee Ericas Mom Thank you. You have always been inspiring on this site. Perhaps it is just the person you are. Perhaps it is the road you have followed. Perhaps it is the lives of others you have touched.

You all have been a saving factor for me. I will slowly recover. Morgan would want to spend the rest of his life in our homes and lives. The unfortunate day changed that for all of us. Thanks for sharing your stories of medications also.

We never thought our children would die. We would have stayed with them night and day if we had. Tough love is not the answer. Helping eachother is. Making our childrens lives better than ours. Meaningful things to do. Lots of time together. Seeing life through their eyes. Living.. Taking chances. Fun.. Understanding.

I have a lot of time on my hands. Made a choice to move that proved to be the worst decision of my life. I could have spoiled him like i should have and didn't. Wonder why some people get it. from the beginning..I made a poor plan....I listened to someone else....I have a weird personality..I can't fix this.. Christmas is coming.. we make disfunctional families. Thanks for listening. The pain is very excruciating. Perhaps one day it will ease. I know you all know what I am talking about. LOve to all of you. OUr children Our surviving families. Everyone who is struggling. Carrie

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I wanted to make sure all the newbies knew about the World-Wide Candle Lighting for our angels.

Dec 11, 2011 at 7pm (in your own time zone) we light a candle in memory of our angels and all the other children in the world who went too soon.

Each hour, for 24 hours, candles will be lite around the world at 7pm in the respective time zones. It is really a wonderful thing and I invite you-all to join.

My husband Scott and son Aaron will be at Lambeau Field watching the Packers play the Raiders. Therefore, my daughter, Michelle and I will light candles.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's. More new parents. I'm glad you found us, but sorry you have reason to be here. Carol - thinking of you and Ralph!

[westleysmom]

Our church normally has a candlelight ceremony on the first Sunday of December, but it was postponed to this week because of rain. We had put green poinsettias in Westley's vase and my sister brought red ones in a metal thing that you set on the ground. Since his stone is irregular shaped, we can't use a saddle thing on it. We got new solar lights that change color, but I found some last night that are in green, which was his favorite color, so I think I might replace them. I will try to get a picture on here without making it huge. Wish me luck,

[westleysmom]

Here is the picture of the Christmas decorations at the cemetery. That's a sentence I never thought I'd write. The little fiber optic Christmas tree from last year hasn't been added yet, since the candlelight thing was re-scheduled for this week, I didn't put it out yet, because I was afraid it might blow away since we've been having so much wind and rain. I will put it out this weekend. My husband has been gone these past few days and that is always kind of hard for me. I am not scared to be alone at the house, but I think too much when I am alone for too long. I miss Westley so much. I wish he was here.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - Good luck.

[Chris Mom]

Today is two months since I saw my Christopher. I miss him so much.

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, the site is beautiful, the stone is so handsome, and while I wish we never had to pick such things out for our children I do think those things that you chose are a lovely representation of your Son.

[Jeff's Mom]

Here is the picture of the Christmas decorations at the cemetery. That's a sentence I never thought I'd write. The little fiber optic Christmas tree from last year hasn't been added yet, since the candlelight thing was re-scheduled for this week, I didn't put it out yet, because I was afraid it might blow away since we've been having so much wind and rain. I will put it out this weekend. My husband has been gone these past few days and that is always kind of hard for me. I am not scared to be alone at the house, but I think too much when I am alone for too long. I miss Westley so much. I wish he was here.

Rhonda...what a lovely tribute to Westley. it is beautifully and lovingly done.

[westleysmom]

Since I had good luck resizing that picture I'm trying to add one here. This is Christmas 2006 I believe. By the next Christmas, our daughter was expecting our first grandchild and for some reason I can't find that year's Christmas pictures. It is so hard to look through pictures for me that I haven't even tried much. I've been crying as I look through these. This is me and Westley and Westley's Dad. I always took pictures like this at Christmas, but 2009, his last Christmas with us, our granddaughter was the subject of almost every picture I took. I feel bad about that, but I've mentioned the Westley didn't like his picture made that much, so I didn't take very many, since I had her to take pictures of. I suppose if I'd known what was going to happen, taking more pictures of him wouldn't have exactly been my priority, keeping it from happening would have been.

[sadmomm]

Westleys Mom he sure is handsome.. I am sorry. We miss them so much. Carrie

[Chris Mom]

Rhonda: What a nice picture of the family. What a handsome guy.