Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Lorri-I so know what you mean. All of mine up til yesterday were just Love, so and so. Then I got one from my cousin who's life is perfect and three sons are wonderful and successful and she writes that she would love to hear from me. I guess she means it, but it sounds to me like a challenge, you know, "Top this". I doubt that I will write her much as lately I've been pretty down. I also got one from somebody with a handwritten note about "i hope your whole family enjoys a great holiday season" or something like that and I know he didn't mean to, but it made me so sad. I guess I can't blame them for trying, I would probably have been sad anyway. I am so sorry to hear about your FB friend's loss and she will be in my thoughts.

Carol-I enjoyed the pictures and hope that you and Mike and your entire family have a wonderful Christmas.

Becky-I imagine that it was very difficult to be there and do the pictures and research, but you are doing it for JD and I know he's proud of you. I hope that you are successful in getting some answers to your questions.

Take care all. Busy day today and not much time to post, will try to catch up later.

[Susie_q512]

Sorrow is wrapping its cold arms around me now. How can this be? How can she be gone from me? My heart is screaming to God,"Enough already. I've learned whatever lesson I needed to learn. She's been gone long enough. Give her back to me. Just give her back!" I feel like the little shiny ball in a pinball game pinging from one extreme to another....sorrow, denial, anger, now bargaining. I won't the game to end, and I want to win the prize. I want my Shannon back. She is my heart's only desire.

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan...I understand completely how you are feeling. I wish I could help take this hurt away for you. I know that I can't. But I am here to give support. Shannon was a sweet girl and is now celebrating with our other angels in heaven. (HUGS)

Carol...so much on your plate to deal with. Again, if only I could be of some help. I do love your pics of the house. You did an excellent job and they look beautiful. You know I am thinkng of you and Mike over this period. Please tell him to stay strong and always remember he has us behind him 100%. (HUGS)

Rhonda, Lorri,Becki and everyone else. These are difficult days to get through. At least we know we have a place to come and vent. Thinking of all of you today and sending prayers and love your way. HUGS TO ALL)

Kate

[lolynbo]

THATS THE ONLY THING THAT HELPS ME THRU THE CHRISTMAS HOLIDAY IS HOW WONDERFUL KOURTNEYS CHRISTMAS ARE NOW...WHAT AN OVERWHELMING THGHT TO THINK SHES AT THE HAND OF JESUS SITTING KNEELING BY HIS THROWN......WE JUST KEEP PLAYING THE GAME AS YOU SAY TIL WE GET TO BE OFF THE SIDELINE AND IN THE FEILDS WITH THEM....HUGGGS TO ALL

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Are you okay?

[shorty16]

My Indigo pals,

I am on my way to the funeral of the 11 year-old. I am really nervous. I do not want to fall into a blob on the floor.

God, please give me strength to let that family know that they are not alone.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

TOO BUSY TO WRITE< BUT I WILL CATCH UP tomorrow, still in school through tomorrow, two shows to sing in and then a party, and tonight is my family Christmas, so a late night to be sure...

love to all,

[Amelia'sDaddy]

Hello all-

I am still around. The last few days have been somewhat chaotic but I am still hanging in there. I still struggle to understand it all but I'm having a hard time with it. Today is no different, but it's even harder with the fact that today is my birthday. As much as I long to hear Amelia's voice saying Happy Birthday to me, I know it won't happen. I am trying to allow myself a bit of a break from the grief and sorrow and try to at least not be broken down all day. So far, so good I think but in the end, I know it will be back tomorrow, and the rest of the weekend is going to be insanely difficult. I just wanted to let you all know I was still here and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry to see some new faces but hope to be able to talk to you and get to know you a little better. I will post more later. Here's some pictures of Amelia from about 3 years ago. I hope it works right.

Chris, Amelia's Dad

[summergirl]

Susan - I know how you feel about your Shannon and all the emotions that we endure each day....I remember well how I tried to "bargin" with God to just give my Jessica back to me, whatever it took I would do it if He would just send her home to us....and here I am almost 6 years later still waiting....knowing it is not going to happen but wishing all the same. I promise you that it will get softer, you have a very long way to go before you will find your way again in this world but you will.....For now just breathe, one minute at a time...we are here.

Colleen - I prayed for strength for you and the family of the 11 year old....I know that you are a strong person and I am proud that you went to the funeral to give your support as YOU KNOW, YOU UNDERSTAND and it sucks that we do and I am proud of you.....

Chris - your little Amelia is just beautiful, melted my heart to see that sweet smile.....Happy Birthday to you although I understand how diffacult it is. Hang tight through the Holiday and know that we are all here thinking of each of those new to this journey and sending you strength and love

Been a very long day and as Christmas draws ever closer I am finding myself just wanting it to be over and done with but I must hold tight for Tavian as he is so very excited.......guess I will be wearing the "mask" for the next few days.....sigh

Just want to post a pic of the Indian Village that Tavian made for his school project...think he did a great job....Love, Peace and Strength to all who reside here..Kathy

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello all-

I am still around. The last few days have been somewhat chaotic but I am still hanging in there. I still struggle to understand it all but I'm having a hard time with it. Today is no different, but it's even harder with the fact that today is my birthday. As much as I long to hear Amelia's voice saying Happy Birthday to me, I know it won't happen. I am trying to allow myself a bit of a break from the grief and sorrow and try to at least not be broken down all day. So far, so good I think but in the end, I know it will be back tomorrow, and the rest of the weekend is going to be insanely difficult. I just wanted to let you all know I was still here and you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Sorry to see some new faces but hope to be able to talk to you and get to know you a little better. I will post more later. Here's some pictures of Amelia from about 3 years ago. I hope it works right.

Chris, Amelia's Dad

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHRIS! I love the pics of Amelia. What a little doll.Try to hang in there. I know it is hard. We are here for you. This time of year is hard for all of us. Thinking of you.Stay in touch.

Kate

[mom24]

Hello,

My name is Rachael and I recently lost my beautiful 21 year old son Zach in a car/train accident. This is my first time posting here. Zach's accident was on November 5th 2011. I hate having to be here. Isn't it strange how you see so much irony after your childs death? I remember when he was younger he had a train in his room with his name on it... He was troubled the last few years of his life with drugs and alcohol. I tried so desperately to help him and to get him help. I often pushed him further away with my "help". I prayed daily to god to change his life and his circumstances and handed him over many times. I never dreamed this would be the anwer......... Zach was so handsome, fun, smart, and so many other things. His funeral was standing room only. He has so many friends from all walks of life. He once told me there would be many people at his funeral and that I would be surprised. This was during a conversation we were having when I was voicing my concerns about his choices in life... He would say things to shock me. Like I said. IRONY. Sometimes I wonder if he knew. Although, his death was truly an accident. There was another young man in the car that lived. Sometimes I feel like I am reaching for any answer, anywhere-- except there are none. Our last conversation was an argument. I sent him several texts days later and told him I missed and loved him. He never answered. He did know that he was loved. I had tried to turn my attention away from him the week before his death because he consumed so much of my life with worry. I was planning a vacation. I feel guilt for that. Needless to say, we didn't go on vacation- we had a funeral. He left behind a 14 month old son who we are now caring for in our home as he has been removed from his mother for neglect and drugs. I hope he stays with us. Not sure if I can take another loss. Even though our relationship was hard at times, we loved each other. He told me recently that I was a good mom to him and that he knew he was loved. He would always tell me he was "still kickin" when I would ask him how he was. So many clues. Could he have known he would die young? He packed so much life into his 21 years.... I am drawn to others who have lost a child. I am sorry we are all here. I wish the holidays could have been as I had planned them, instead of my reality. I wish I could be with him, but I have 3 other children who need me- so I cannot. Thanks for listening.

[ericasmom]

Just in from my family party and need to get up for work tomorrow but wanted to say hello and sleep tight.

Rachael, you and I lost our children to train on car accidents. I am so sorry Sweetie, it is a very tough road ahead, but you know that and you sought out this place to help you through those rough times and we will. We will the same way someone helped me 8 years ago when I first showed up here, and the way everyone here has found the support and understanding as they travel this very hard new world. Hang on, we will tell you our stories as we go along but for now, know that you are in the thoughts of many here already. Please do not worry about learning our names and our Childrens' names, they will eventually come to you as you post and see our photos and names. Let us know more about your Boy, who sounds like a charismatic young man, one with the gift of befriending folks, my Girl too. She was a connector of people and there was standing room only at her funeral as well. I will tell you this, this many years out, life will not always feel like you have to borrow air to breathe, one day life will feel softer than this day might, but it somewhere down the road and it won't be real soon more than likely. But one day...

To All the Good Folks here, sleep easily tonight----

[mikesmomrs]

Belated happy birthday, Chris! Your precious Amelia is right with you, though it is hard on our hearts to not be able to see them, please know that she is there, always.

Rachael: I am so very sorry about the loss of your son, Zach. You have come to the right place for comfort, friendship, understanding, and support. All given in a non-judgemental way, as we all know the pain of losing a child and how the world is so very different for us from then on. People look at us differently, treat us differently, and many expect that we will "get over it" in time. We do go through it, but never, ever "over" it. Please come and tell us more about your sweet son, Zach, when you can.

We lost our son, Mike, in October of 2006, to brain cancer. He had 17 months from the time of diagnosis until our last goodbye. He left three young boys, now 15, 14 and 7, along with his wife. We miss him as much or more now than we ever have, and it is an everyday thing, not just now and then, as I am sure you are learning. We learn over time that this pain will soften some, but it does take time, and it does take work and it does take support from others. Welcome to BI. (the site, now known as grieving.com, was originally called Beyond Indigo, and many of us here for a while still refer to it as BI.)

Dee: I hope you had a good time at the family party, and that your day tomorrow goes smoothly, though it does sound full.

Colleen: I know that you brought comfort to the family of the 11 year old who was recently killed. They are entering this world of ours, new to this pain, and I am sure that your presence will be a positive thing for them as they begin this road.

Thank you all for your prayers and good wishes for our family as we begin another journey on another road we would rather bypass. Mike is currently scheduled to begin radiation and chemotherapy (the minor treatment) the first week of January. I still haven't heard from the surgeon about the results of the new tumor board meeting...he has called here twice, but we were at the doctor's and hopefully he will call again tomorrow (Friday). I will likely do an update to Mike's Care Pages sometime this weekend, once we know the full scope of the plans ahead.

[robyn]

I just wanted to share two books with you all. I'm finding some comfort in them.

The first is by Kay Arthur, "When the Hurt Runs Deep: healing and hope for life's desperate moments". I'm finding myself in tears reading this, the comfort is that great.

The second one is actually a book that Chrissy gave to her sister and I, and it, also, is tremendously comforting. "The Shack: where tragedy confronts eternity" by Wm. Paul Young.

Both of these books deal with tragic loss and why we can survive it. I hope these help.

[Susie_q512]

Racheal - A very sad welcome extended to you. I am glad that you found your way here. We understand exactly where you are, and we will each hold you close and support you as best we can. Please share your son and yourself with us. We post pictures in the gallery and also in the forum, and we love looking at all our Angels and getting to know them. They are no longer able to tell their life stories, so we tell the life stories for them. I find it comforting as it reminds me that they were here. They were real. We didn't dream them up from imagination.....and it can at times seem as though they were but a dream.

Chris - The pictures of your beautiful Amelia were just that, beautiful!!! So glad you posted as I think of you often.

Kathy, Susannah, Kate and others who have reached out to me recently - THANK YOU!

I have been in a dark place lately. Found myself angry as I purchased decorations for the roadside memorial. There is to be a gathering there tonight (it's almost 4:00 in the morning here). Found myself at the graveside last night. I sobbed, screamed, and raged at God. Very long conversation with Him. I find that although I still believe in Him, I no longer trust Him. I told Him that He is not kind and merciful, but rather cruel and indifferent. I questioned how much care or control He really has, or if it's all just been a fairy tale? I questioned why the wicked prosper, yet the good are taken? I find that this journey through grief has rocked me to my core and now threatens all that I ever believed to be true. Was I so bad a mother or person that God took her from me? Is there some terrible sin that I am being punished for? And if so, why not just take my life? Why Shannon's? And what could she have possibly done to deserve to die? I find no words to express the depth of my anger nor the resentment I feel towards my powerlessness to change what's happened. My husband keeps wanting to hug me. He wants us to hold each other and cry together, yet I prefer to be alone. He wants to speak of God and the Scripture, and I want nothing to do with this God that I am so angry at. I finally told him that I do not want or need a hug or a shoulder to cry on. I want and need my daughter, and unless he can resurrect her, then he has nothing I want or need. Harsh, I know, but as I stated, I am very angry right now. I blame myself for not listening to my intuition and protecting her. She didn't deserve this....she was just a kid....what the hell could she ever have done to have warranted her being killed? She is with me. She knows and understands the pain and torment I am in....she's given me two signs within the last 8 hours to say she is here with me, and she's still my buddy. I still trust my girl. She has never failed me.

[westleysmom]

Chris-Happy belated birthday. Amelia is a beautiful child and I'm sure she's a beautiful angel and I'm sure you'd much rather have your beautiful child. I'm not sure why these horrible things happen and I doubt we ever will this side of heaven. Hugs

Rachael-I'm so sorry for your loss. Your Zac was almost the same age as my Westley who died 1/13/2010 in his sleep at a friend's house. Our relationship had been very hard in the months leading up to his death, because he was struggling with alcohol as well. I have a lot of guilt for the arguments that we had and harsh words. You will be in my thoughts. This place has helped me so much and I hope that it will help you too.

Carol-Thinking of you and Mike and all the family and hope that the treatements do their job.

Dee-Thank you for being here. You give me so much hope.

Susan-I have thought all that you wrote, about God, about faith, about the world, about WHY? The 2nd holidays seem to be going better for me. Last year was horrendous though, and this is the first for you. You are in my thoughts too.

Gotta run, but you are all in my thoughts as we borrow air, as Dee says, to breathe. I also borrow strength from all of you, even when you think you aren't giving any, I know that we are all stronger than we know.

[Guest msnher]

Rachel - I am so very sorry you have reason to be a member of our group, but I am very glad you found us. This site saved my life when my daughter, Stephanie, died. It is a terrible road to travel, but you don't have to travel alone. We are here for you.

Susan - I had a very similar conversation with God after Stephanie died. I wasn't only angry that he took Stephanie, I was angry that he allowed her children to be hurt again by her death. I remember telling him that I didn't love him more than my children...that I wasn't like Abraham - I would never love him enough to sacrifice one of my children. When our belief in God has been so deeply entrenched in the biblical/Christian teachings of who God is, I think it's important that we sort it all out. People kept telling me God didn't take Stephanie. My answer was b***s***! He had the power to save her and he didn't so he was just as guilty as if he was the one who was driving the ATV. It doesn't matter whether my beliefs were based on fact or not it only mattered that I believed them. Because God was such an important factor in my very being, ideas and attitudes, it was imperative for me to reconcile those same ideas and attitudes with my Creator. I often tell people that the death of my daughter has absolutely been the most painful experience I've ever been asked to walk through - and I've been asked to walk through some big ones - but, it's also been the most spiritual. I am still walking this path of grief and, indeed, will be walking it until I am reunited with Stephanie, so I'm sure there are more changes to come, but for right now - today - I am at peace with who I think God is and his part in all of this. It is my opinion that as we ask we are shown. Sometimes the answers are insufficient. But, we still receive an answer. When it comes to Stephanie's death I just kind of mutter, "Ya, I'm not buying it" but agree to let it go until I can ask in person "What the hell were you thinking!?"

Oh my! I have some excited kiddos on my hands. One of the blessings of having little ones in the house at Christmas time.

[hotrod]

duplicate posting sorry]

[hotrod]

Good Morning my Precious Indigo Family

Just came by to express my heartfelt gratitude for each of you. Being an "Indigo" and sharing this painful journey with the parents who post here has been a powerful gift in my life.

I pray that this Holiday Season permits some warm memories of your Indigo Angel and that Peace will reside in your heart and soul.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Since I won't be around much during the holidays, I wanted to stop in and send you all my heartfelt wishes for a peaceful Christmas surrounded in warm memories of your angels. I know we would all rather have them here with us. I have a small Christmas tree solar light for Brianna's present and how I wish I could give her anything other than a grave decoration. Hugs to all of you.

Jenn

[lolynbo]

RACHEAL THIS IS AN AMAZING PLACE FOR COMFORT AND TEARS......SORRY YOU HAD TO JOIN THE CLUB...

MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEY LYNN DIED FROM A BRAIN TUMOR....22 YRS OLD..MARRIED ONLY 9 MONTHS......WISHING I CLD HOLD MY BREATH TIL MARCH AND THE HOLIDAY AND NEW YEAR WAS OVER AS WELL AS KOURTNEYS WLD HAVE BEEN 5TH ANNIVERSERY AND HER BIRTHDAY...I MAY JUST SCREAM

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

Lots of tears at Zeth's funeral last night. I talked with the mom and she was in shock. I could tell she was wondering why this horrible movie was playing around her and when it was going to stop.

We hugged and I told her I was there for her - gave her my cell #. I hugged her only-surviving-immmediate-family-member, her 13 year old son, Zach. I talked with my Aaron last night and told him about Zach and even before I could ask, Aaron said he would talk with Zach. THATS MY BOY Finally starting to come out of his shell into the light.

So many newbies here who will be spending their first Christmas without their child. Just breath - Allow yourself to cry, ..talk about your babies and know that they are in heaven having a birthday party at the feet of Jesus himself.

I have this overwhelming feeling that when new angels come to heaven, Brian is on the greeting committee. He was like that. Very friendly.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[briansdad]

I will post this again for the new people. It can be very helpful.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN-THE-BEGINNING-09-20-10.pdf

Greg

[Chads Mom]

I thought I would check-in.. I have been trying to check-out lately with the holiday looming over me.. I made it through one family party until my brother gave me a small set of candles that read “Live, Love, Laugh” This was written in my sons obituary because it is truly how he lived. Needless to say it made my shields come down and cry like a baby.. Most of the family was in shock and tried to ignore my crying but my brother came and hugged me and whispered in my ear. “I didn’t mean to make you cry I am so sorry.” I told him my crying was coming from a good place not a bad one. It felt good to have Chad included with the gift in our Christmas party.

For the parents new here I offer you a warm welcome and sadness down to my toes that you have to be here.

I have been having a really hard time posting lately, I type, then I read, and it all sounds so mixed up… I went to visit Chad at the cemetery and put up his Christmas flag and I just bawled my eyes out. I wanted to dig the grave up and crawl in next to him.. My husband picked me up off my knees and put me in the car and all I could think of on the way home was the socks he was buried in weren’t warm enough…… See now looking at this I do sound a bit crazy right????

Working has helped keep my poor tired brain occupied on something besides the loss of my son but denying the grief just seems to let it build up in me until I can’t think straight… My schedule should go back to normal after the holidays so hopefully I can take some time for myself..

I hope everyone here is managing through these really tough days….. I think of each of you and our angels on a daily basis…

Peace and Love to all……………

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[briansdad]

Someone at my office just gave this to me. I hadn't seen it before.

You can shed tears that they are gone,or you can smile because they lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that they will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all they have left .

Your heart can be empty because you can't see them,or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday, or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember only that they are gone and you can cry and close your mind,be empty and turn your back on the world,

or do what they would want.....Smile,open your eyes love and go on.

[shorty16]

Jenn, I will think of Brianna and say her name. When I say your daughter’s name, I cannot help but say my son’s name first – How cool is that!!!

Betty – Back at you!! I too find understanding and strength from both helping and receiving help from this site. I will definitely think of you and Stephen on Christmas Day.

Susannah – I remember the conversation you had with God, you posted it and I copied it into a separate file. I read it every once in a while to bring me back to Earth, when I want to be in heaven. Thank you for that.!!

Rhonda, Westley’s Mom – I think of you often, because of that crazy story you told us about Westley wrestling with a bottle of super-glue and losing. I still laugh at that. Sometimes, I am able to think of the funny stuff Brian did, and the great life he had. That lifts the heavy weight of grief if just for a little while. I hope you can do that too!!

Susan, Shannon’s Mom – This is indeed a hard time for you and the others who try to celebrate Christmas. If I may put a visual in your head, picture Shannon and the other angels celebrating our Saviors’ birthday at the feet of Jesus himself. Even though it helps only for a few minutes (seconds), it may allow you to breath.

Robyn – I read “The Shack”. I choose not to read the book until I was strong enough to separate my grief from the grief in the story. “The Shack” is indeed a terrible premise with a wonderous journey. Take care my friend.

Marcia – Have a wonderful time in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico with Hubby Larry and little girl Ellie.

Carol, I do not know how much comfort I brought this family at the funeral. The look on her face said it all; she was in shock. Just watching the horror around her and not being able to stop it. I did give her my phone number and I work with her Mother; therefore, I will keep in touch. I have two shoulders and two ears and she can use them all!!!!

Rachael, Zach sounds like a wonderful young man. I would like to comment on your statement of “Zach told me there would be many people at his funeral.” My son, Brian told us he wanted to be creamated when he died. He also told a friend he did not think he would live to 21. Well, Brian was right. I wonder if they knew something we didn’t? Take care my friend.

Dee – I will be in the Chicago area on Friday, Dec 30th to see a friend I have not seen in over a decade. We are going to the Museum of Science and Industry and then on to enjoy the Carnival Restaurant.

Bonnie, Thanks for the T-Shirts. My family is really going to try to make it to Pinnacle Days in 2012.

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Yes, Colleen, I call it my letter from God. It is what I claim to be God's response to my rant.

[briansdad]

Well, I would like to share some Good news for once. My son Rob and his wife Diane are expecting.So Maybe I'll get a grandson after all.If not that's OK I love my 2 girls just as much.

[Guest msnher]

Congratulations, Grandpa!

[ericasmom]

Haven't read everything, I am way behind, but Greg Congrats and best of goodness to them and thank you for the wonderful post earlier today too, about how to look at this new life...it takes time to get there but when we are able, living with a full heart and taking it with you in everything you do is the way to live your best life and stand where your Child no longer can. Live it well, live it strong...

[summergirl]

Congrats Grandpa Greg - so excited for you and your family !!

Rachel - I am so sorry for the loss of your son Zach....I hate it when I see a new person here as I know why they have found us but I am also very happy as this is where you will find the support, caring, understanding that you need from those who walk this journey. You mentioned a 14 month old son whom Zach left behind who is with you...We lost our daughter Jessica at the age of 26 Feb 18, 2006 and she left behind a 4 year old son Tavian....we fought his father for custody and we won !! He will be 10 Feb 11th and he has been such a blessing to us and I do not know what I would have done without him.....I pray that you get to hold onto your granson and keep him safe. Please come and tell us more about your Zach and the rest of your family when you can, my prayers are with you.

Colleen - I thought of you alot - thinking of you going to the funeral for Zeth and seeing all the pain and shock in his mother's eyes....You are a wonderful sweet woman and I hope that Zeth's mom calls you when she is able as I know that you will be a huge strength for her. So proud of your son willing to talk to Zeth's brother....Take care my friend

To all my wonderful, sweet friends - I am thinking of you each day but more so now with the Holiday upon us....for all of those new to this journey please hold tight, breathe and do what you have to do to make it through these next days.... Bless you all - Kathy

[lolynbo]

HOUSE AND CAMPER FULL OF COMPANY YET IT'S STILL EMPTY. MISSIN MY BB GIRL. KOURTNEY LYNN BRACKETT-CARGAL

[ericasmom]

Col, I agree with Kathy, you were so kind to go to the funeral of Zeth. One day his Mom will probably call you and let you know what it means to her to have someone in close proximity to perhaps meet with. It was an act of outreach, of heart, and a huge sign of healing. No never healed up, but in a constant state of healing. Aaron willing to talk to her boy is also a huge sign of healing. So good to read this today. Hey, glad that you will be in Chicago and I think that you will love Carnival.

Peace to all as I head to bed knowing that tomorrow is Christmas for our Friend Trudi and the Eve of such for us. Just breathe.

[robyn]

I was on the phone tonight with my younger daughter for some time. Of all of us, I think she is having the hardest time. Chrissy's leaving has fractured her badly. We talked about faith and how strong Chrissy is, and how Chrissy saw her sister and what she wanted for her. I'm not going to worry, and I will pray a little harder for her. I think she will be Ok in time. My son just won't talk about it, at least not now.

We are doing our best to get Christmas together- Chrissy always did most of the planning- but it just isn't coming together very well. I think we all just want to get through it. We just want to make it as nice as possible for the kids. Christmas was always her favorite season, but right now, our hearts aren't in it.

I was looking at pictures of Chrissy's little girl tonight. It is amazing how much she looks like her beautiful mother. In every way, she is Chrissy all over again. I can't be around her enough, and I can't get enough hugs.

[shellyku]

Good Morning Indigos - It is Christmas Eve morning, and I read quickly through the

last few days' posts. I'm so sorry for the new faces and their angel stories...when will

this end? I pray for the day when not another parent has to lose their child!

If I may, I wanted to tell you all about our trip to St. Lucia. Last time I posted, I wondered

if anyone had scattered their loved one's ashes. That is why we went to St. Lucia.

Sarah and Andy were to be married there and so Andy wanted to scatter some of her

ashes there. Needless to say, I was very hesitant about the trip.

As it turns out, it was a beautiful island and a wonderful gesture on Andy's part. There

was a gazebo that jutted out into the Carribean at our resort. The day of Sarah and Andy's

2nd anniversary (December 10), we took her urn out to this gazebo along with some

tropical flower blossoms that we picked. Prior to this, our younger daughter and I

placed Sarah's wedding gown in different palm and flowering trees and took pictures of it.

I will try to post them at some point, although I am computer illiterate. Anyway, Andy sprinkled

her ashes into the beautiful Carribean waters, and we floated the flower blossoms behind.

What was the most fitting, though, was the PERFECT sunset that followed. We performed

this "ceremony" at around 5:30 so the sun had started to set, but by the time we finished

the sun was quickly setting. I might mention that the gazebo was used for three weddings

that afternoon but when we walked out for our ceremony, there was no one around. As soon

as we were finished, people started coming from everywhere to take pictures of this gorgeous

sunset. Also, that night there was a perfectly round full moon.

Sorry for the long post. I have so much to catch up on here and would like to get to know

the new folks here as well as touch base with the more familiar folks. I pray for each and

every one of you here that you might find some peace this holiday season. May you find some

quiet time with your angel, to tell of your love for them, that it grows and grows even though

they're not here. May God bless you all.

[echofc]

Hello Friends,

This is my first holiday season without Stacy and I am amazed how the emotional triggers have escalated!! Life is so different this year, and I suppose always will be. But I am trying to look forward to a healing New Year. Took up artistic journaling and have found it helpful. I'm not all that artistic, but have enjoyed the creative process. I did a page about books I've read, another about the birds outside and another about the word "Grateful". I don't show it to anyone, but it helps me focus. Stacy and I spent a lot of time in the car, back and forth to the hospital and just going places together. After she passed away I found I was spending all my time in the car talking to her. That is okay to a point, but too much made me depressed. So I took up listening to audiobooks and talk to Stacy during other times.

I sincerely hope whatever holiday you may celebrate, that it is blessed.

Love,

Sue

(Stacy's Mom)

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - I want to add my "attaboy" to you going to Zeth's funeral. Your example gives me strength to go to Lydia's funeral on the 29th.

Robyn - Stephanie's death hit my youngest daughter harder, too. They were such close friends. For a time I was quite worried about her, but now she is turning that dark energy into bettering herself. She has joined a support group and is trying to further her education.

Shelly - I love the picture you drew for us in spreading Sarah's ashes. Just beautiful!

Sue - I pray you are able to feel Stacy's presence.

Not much to report from my end. I have some very excited kids on my hands. This Christmas just feels different. The first year we had them we were still in shock over Stephanie's death and last year I was still in a fog. This year I am more present to experience it with them. We took them to see Santa yesterday. When Santa asked what they wanted for Christmas they all said "Not a rock (coal). Jonathon was too nervous to talk to him. Jasmine wanted to know which list she was on. I have mixed feelings about this whole Santa thing. When my kids were young I told them there was no Santa. Santa never came to my house when I was young but he went to my friend's house. I was four or five, we lived in Kansas (another town we got kicked out of) and I went to sleep saying "Santa" - hoping that if I said his name enough he would hear me and put presents under our tree. Didn't happen. So, I wanted my kids to know that the reason some kids got more or less is because their parents could either afford it or not - that it had nothing to do with a make believe man keeping a list.

I'm doing it different with my grandkids. They are all caught up in the whole Santa thing. Even I get caught up in the whole Jesus thing at this time of year. But, well....I just wonder if I'm doing my grandkids any favors by allowing them to believe their is a fat man in a red suit that will reward their good behavior and punish their bad. In writing this I realize their idea of Santa is a lot like my whole idea of God. Hmmmm...something to think about.

I'll try to check back with you all - if I don't make it, let me take this time to wish you all a moment's peace, a sign from your child, and a ray of hope!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Shelly, Sue, and Robyn, and all others new to this very sad piece in time, I hold you all close and wish you some sense of community in an often stark time. I hear all sorts of ways of you trying to move forward while honoring your Children...the heart is an amazing muscle, working constantly even when it is shattered to provide, to honor, to commemorate, to make sure of others, to find gratefulness in so many tears.

We celebrate you as you make your way through this first hard Christmas and hope abounds. Look to the skies and know that your Angels are smiling beautiful rays of light into you, urging you to go on, take them with but don't stop moving forward. I love the wedding dress in the trees and the sunset, I love that you honored your Girl's Husband by joining him in that place and his love for you all and the tribute to his wife by having you with him. I love the art journals to help you find focus and expression, and I love that you can see your Girl in her Girl, knowing then, the love She has for her mirrors the love you have for Her. Remember the old Native saying:

All living things on Earth have a number of days to their circle, to their cycle- no matter how short or how long, it was a full circle.

[ericasmom]

a smile in your general direction

[ericasmom]

Susannah, read the Polar Express to the kids...and listen for the bells of Christmas.

[517958]

1324668907' post='81971']

I will post this again for the new people. It can be very helpful.

http://www.bpusastl....NG-09-20-10.pdf

Greg

Thanks for the link Greg. Lots of good info in there. Have as happy a Christmas as you can everyone.

[517958]

1324668907' post='81971']

I will post this again for the new people. It can be very helpful.

http://www.bpusastl....NG-09-20-10.pdf

Greg

Thanks for the link Greg. Lots of good info in there. Have as happy a Christmas as you can everyone.

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Thank you Dan, what a lovely Christmas Wish.

[aim630]

Thanks, Dan, for the beautiful picture. I hope everyone gets through these next couple of days with a great memory of their angel. I know it is hard, especially for those of you facing this for the first time, but try to smile and remember the good times. Our angels would want us to be happy, even though it is so difficult because we miss them so much. Hugs to all...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks, Dan, for the beautiful picture. I hope everyone gets through these next couple of days with a great memory of their angel. I know it is hard, especially for those of you facing this for the first time, but try to smile and remember the good times. Our angels would want us to be happy, even though it is so difficult because we miss them so much. Hugs to all...

Amy/Ashley's mom

Thanks, Amy, and a peaceful and hopefully better New Year to all.

[mikesmomrs]

Just popping on to tell everyone that I hope they have a peaceful, memory-filled Christmas, where the good memories help you get through the ones that creep in and pierce your heart once again.

Still need to wrap presents. Cathi and Jamie and Davis were here for supper, after Cathi, Jamie, Mike and I went to Christmas Eve mass. (Davis was working, though likely wouldn't have gone.)

Finally got the house done...just about used my last ounce of strength, but was determined to do it up. My heart aches at the thought of what next Christmas may be like, and that is the only thing that pushed me through to do this one. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give Mike a nice Christmas and then it turned out to be his last. My thoughts go to that dark, dark place, and I have to use all of my powers of focus to drag it back to the present and feel the "now" that we must strive to live in. Oh, my son, please send your dad some good health. This I pray of God, and perhaps you've become good enough friends to ask a special favor?

Oh, I ramble and talk like I am crazy, eh?

love to all, and as happy a Christmas day as is possible for each of you. As Amy and many of us have said, our angels want only for us to be happy and to make new memories with the lives we now have. They know how much we miss them, yet still, as my sign off note says, they do want us to live and be happy.

[mom24]

Thank you all for the welcome and support. Missing my son Zach so much right now. I hope he is celebrating with Jesus right now. He always loved a good birthday party. Merry Christmas.

[Jeff's Mom]

Just popping on to tell everyone that I hope they have a peaceful, memory-filled Christmas, where the good memories help you get through the ones that creep in and pierce your heart once again.

Still need to wrap presents. Cathi and Jamie and Davis were here for supper, after Cathi, Jamie, Mike and I went to Christmas Eve mass. (Davis was working, though likely wouldn't have gone.)

Finally got the house done...just about used my last ounce of strength, but was determined to do it up. My heart aches at the thought of what next Christmas may be like, and that is the only thing that pushed me through to do this one. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't give Mike a nice Christmas and then it turned out to be his last. My thoughts go to that dark, dark place, and I have to use all of my powers of focus to drag it back to the present and feel the "now" that we must strive to live in. Oh, my son, please send your dad some good health. This I pray of God, and perhaps you've become good enough friends to ask a special favor?

Oh, I ramble and talk like I am crazy, eh?

love to all, and as happy a Christmas day as is possible for each of you. As Amy and many of us have said, our angels want only for us to be happy and to make new memories with the lives we now have. They know how much we miss them, yet still, as my sign off note says, they do want us to live and be happy.

God Bless you Carol and Mike...and I pray God will answer your prayers. Have a lovely day tomorrow with your family.

Kate

[summergirl]

I am here late tonight but could not let the night pass without letting you all know that I hold you in my heart and prayers. Today started out with me having a total meltdown, hit me like a tsunami and the tears would not stop......spent the rest of the day cleaning and cooking, then off to my mother-in-laws to Christmas eve dinner which I was dreading but it ended up to be quite nice...Then home and Tavian just wanted to go to bed (have a feeling he is coming down with something ) We tucked him in and a few minutes later he called me in and told me his stomach hurt and would I sit with him and then he asked me to sing him a song-- he wanted to hear "Little Bunny Foo-Foo" which I have not sand to him since he was just a little one lying in my arms......So I asked him if he was "missing someone" and he said "yeah" and he gave me a big hug.....It was bittersweet......just when I think he has forgotten his mommy he brings me to tears with just a single word.

Susannah - I too stuggled with the idea of Santa and whether it was a good idea for Tavian to believe.....he answered it for me - he said "I know that you and Pop-Pop buy me presents because Santa cannot do everything so you don't have to pretend, it is ok" - I actually believe that he does not believe in Santa at all but does it becuz he thinks I need for him to believe.....I think this is the last year for him to have to pretend that Santa is real and that is ok with me....... Bless you my friend

Carol....I am praying for you and Ralph....all of our Angels are surrounding Mike so he may have all that much more energy to send to his dad for good health...and to you for strength to go forward each day....

Just remembered that all of Tavian's presents were in the attic so had to go get them....First year that I have not wrapped on Christmas Eve and it felt good....I am tired but I know sleep will elude me for another few hours.

Thank you Dan for the beautiful pic...

I will say good nite to all and send hugs to all who are finding this Holiday so diffacult....my fifth year without my girl - how is that possible...sigh Strength, love and peace to all of my Indigo family...Kathy