Loss of an Adult Child

December 12, 2011

JEFF-

May you know always of the forever love that surrounds you each day.

Kate, blessings to you as you find your way through the ache of this time.

December 12, 2011

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff.........saying your name out loud !

December 12, 2011

December 12, 2011

Kate: Thinking of you today and hoping you feel Jeff's loving spirit all around you...

Polly--Chad's Mom

December 12, 2011

Thanks again everyone for your loving wishes. Yes, I did feel Jeff's warm spirit all around me today as we went about our daily routine. There was a calmness and peace amongst it all. And I have to tell you that as of this morning his dog is amazingly well! She seems like her old self again. We worked hard to help the old gal to get back on her feet and it appears to have worked...for now anyway. It made us really happy to see her so upbeat today.

We walked into the woods to the site. There is actually little snow... as much of it had melted. Just a covering actually.. We placed the flowers on the garden and one on his bench. The sun shone on the snow glistening like a billion tiny diamonds. It was so peaceful and beautiful. I just know he is at peace and I could almost feel his presence. Well, thinking of all of you with warm wishes and prayers sent your way.

Spoke to my grandaughter this afternoon. She is three years old. She has started packing to come back home for the holidays. Stuffed her suitcase with undies and toys according to my son. Can't tell you how excited I am to be seeing my grandbabies again! Sometime after the 26th. Countdown begins now.

Kate

December 12, 2011

Jeff Jeff Jeff-Saying your name and remembering you today and always

Kate-Sorry I couldn't get on earlier to let you know I was thinking of you.

December 13, 2011

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff-Saying your name out loud as your parents remember all the sweet memories of you.

Kate-Thinking of you as you get through this difficult day.

December 13, 2011

JEFF, JEFF, JEFF - I AM GLAD YOUR FAMILY FELT YOUR PRESENCE TODAY, SOME PEACE KNOWING THAT YOU LIVE ON EACH DAY THROUGH ALL WHO KNEW YOU AND HAVE COME TO KNOW YOU....FLY HIGH SWEET BOY AND DANCE WITH ALL OUR ANGELS

Thoughts were with you today Kate although I am posting late...Hugs

December 13, 2011

LORRI - I WAS SOOOOOO EXCITED TO "HEAR" YOUR SWEET KOURTNEY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL SOUND AND YES, SHE SOUNDS EXACTLY AS I THOUGHT SHE WOULD - HAPPY AND CAREFREE.....THANK YOU FOR SHARING AND THANK YOU DAN FOR HELPING THAT SWEET VOICE BE HEARD....

Trudi - I love that you met this woman - Sir Muttley sure knows what he is doing bringing you together...It will be good for the 2 of you to share coffee and more talk.....destiny my friend, destiny

The Candle Lighting was beautiful and I am thankful for all the wonderful pics and songs that were shared among us here....

I am trying hard to catch up with all the new here----think I need to backtrack and read older posts to get more info...I got lost along the way as there were days I did not come here...

Tavian and his class came to the Senior Nutrition Center today to sing and play instuments for the Seniors for Christmas......I work in the building next to the Center so I walked over and watched....He was so handsome standing up there playing his clarinet, concentrating so hard not to make a mistake.....It took everything in me not to cry as he has grown so much and looks so much like his mommy....I am so proud of him and I know she is too. So many people always saying "at least you have Tavian" have NO IDEA what it is like to for me to watch him grow and do all of the things he does and will do because as I watch all of this my heart breaks knowing it SHOULD BE JESSICA doing it...Yes I am blessed beyond words but when will "they" realize Tavian does not replace Jessica, he is an extension of her in every way but he is Tavian and she is Jessica.....OK, thanks for letting me get my little vent in there... I did not have my camera so my friend Shelly took pics of him so will post when she gets them to me...

Almost time for Tavian to go to bed so I will say good night and I love you all.....Peace and Strength, Kathy

December 13, 2011

Susan...The wife ordered Nicks candle from Frans Candles http://www.franscandles.com/
She looked all over the internet and came across this guy. Real nice guy and easy to work
with and understand the type of pic needed etc.

Thanks. This happens to be the same site that I stumbled upon. I've been looking at his work, and I'm pretty impressed. Sure that I will order through him. You seem to be the "miracle worker" here, so any suggestions on how I can downsize Shannon's picture? I added it to my signature not knowing that her beautiful face would explode onto the screen. I haven't been able to downsize or delete it. I sent a message to administrators/support, but haven't gotten a response. I would like to keep her picture, just not so big. (I don't mind seeing her so large, but feel I am "hogging" the page.)

December 13, 2011

Kathy - I receive the same comments. The one that caused me to shake my head was spoken just a few weeks after Steph died. They were telling me how lucky I was to have my grandchildren with me and she wished she could be with her grandchildren too. I told her she wouldn't like the price we all had to pay to get to spend time together. Now, I just try to realize they speak out of ignorance and I hope they never have to speak from knowledge. Hugs to you. You're doing a great job with Tavian. Neither your grief or Tavian's grief will ever go away, but thank God you have each other to hold onto. We are the opposite sides of our angels...you and Tavian, and me and my grandchildren. We've all learned how to cry and laugh again...together.

December 13, 2011

Here is a movie I took in 1981 and I forgot I had used my sisters movie camera and I've never seen it.She had the film.This is my two boys. The one walking is Brian.

December 13, 2011

Here is a movie I took in 1981 and I forgot I had used my sisters movie camera and I've never seen it.She had the film.This is my two boys. The one walking is Brian.

I smiled the entire time this played. What a happy boy, and what a beautiful song.....first time that I've heard it. Thanks for sharing this movie with us......I, for one, needed that little ray of sunshine and joy to fall on me tonight. What a blessing !

December 13, 2011

Here is a movie I took in 1981 and I forgot I had used my sisters movie camera and I've never seen it.She had the film.This is my two boys. The one walking is Brian.

Greg ~ About now in heaven there is 'Oh no you didn't just post that footage of me dancing and spinning around' :blink: Oh yes he did and it was great. Love that music...I think I first heard it here when you posted a long time ago. Memories of what seemed a simplier time....Thanks Greg. Glad you found this treasure...

December 13, 2011

I first heard that song from you, too, Greg. I couldn't listen to it the first time, but I had to watch this video, so I had to listen to the song. I loved the song almost as much as the video. What a treasure for sure! Such a happy baby....dancing with Mom and Dad and now the angels........deep sigh.

December 13, 2011

Thanks Greg, I wept as I watched and laughed outloud too as Brian ran, rather fast for such a young one, across the yard. What a dolly, and dear of you to share.

December 13, 2011

KIMMYS IN VEGAS. WITH HER JOB. HOPING TO MEET UP WITH MARCIA. THAT WLD BE SO NEAT.

KODY VENTURED OUT AGAIN TONIGHT. HANGING W HIS FRIEND GREG WHO'S DAD JUST PASSED AWAY.

SO GLAD YPU FOUND THE VIDEO OF BRIAN WHAT A GIFT.

HUGGS TO ALL.

December 13, 2011

Greg: The video was so sweet what a nice Christmas gift. Sure gave my heart a squeeze to see it, thanks for sharing…

Lorri: No words to express how lovely it was to experience your daughters sweet voice..

The last few things before Chad left us was some video from my sister in laws phone of him talking and singing. She put it on a disc for me but I have not made it through the whole video it just hurts to much right now to watch. Maybe one day when I can actually get through it without breaking down I will share it with everyone..

Peace and Love to all Indigo’s

Polly--Chad’s Mom

December 13, 2011

Greg-I loved the video-what a treasure!

December 13, 2011

Here is a movie I took in 1981 and I forgot I had used my sisters movie camera and I've never seen it.She had the film.This is my two boys. The one walking is Brian.

Thanks Greg, for sharing the video. What an adorable little sweetheart! Just what I need to see today.

December 13, 2011

Greg: The video was so sweet what a nice Christmas gift. Sure gave my heart a squeeze to see it, thanks for sharing…
Lorri: No words to express how lovely it was to experience your daughters sweet voice..
The last few things before Chad left us was some video from my sister in laws phone of him talking and singing. She put it on a disc for me but I have not made it through the whole video it just hurts to much right now to watch. Maybe one day when I can actually get through it without breaking down I will share it with everyone..
Peace and Love to all Indigo’s
Polly--Chad’s Mom

Polly...you are going to treasure that one day. Perhaps when you are ready it will bring you much comfort to listen to it. How lovely that you have his voice recorded.

December 13, 2011

I first heard that song from you, too, Greg. I couldn't listen to it the first time, but I had to watch this video, so I had to listen to the song. I loved the song almost as much as the video. What a treasure for sure! Such a happy baby....dancing with Mom and Dad and now the angels........deep sigh.

Susannah...bet things are really getting busy your way with Christmas down to the countdown. I bet the kids are excited. Did you finish your bathroom yet?

December 13, 2011

Lorri: No words to express how lovely it was to experience your daughters sweet voice..

THANK YOU SO MUCH...IM NOT THE BEST AT RECORDING BUT I WILL TAKE IT...I JUST WISH SHE WLD ANSWER...

FIXIN TO GO TO KOURTNEYS KLOSET PROB BE BIZZY WITH THE COLD WEATHER...

BLESS AND BE BLESSED

December 13, 2011

Good morning, Indigo's;

I had weird dreams last night. I woke to one telling me to get my affairs in order. Ya...not today.

Kate - the bathroom is finished and I love it! I should be busier than I am right now. If you look up procrastinator in the dictionary it will say "See Susannah". The decorations are up and the kids are excited but I have a lot of shopping to do. I know what I want so I'm not worried about it at all. I always manage to pull it off.

December 13, 2011

One of those days...

Hello all! Feeling down today.

The weather is all cloudy and gloomy and that is how I feel. Not here to offer any advice today or try to appear strong, just here to say I miss my son!

There are days I feel stronger than others but this is not one of them.

Missing my dear boy, as I know you all feel this pain.

I am so sorry there are so many out there who are going through this.

My heart goes out to all of you.

sorry I posted this in the wrong place, I meant to post it here but started a new topic on the main board which I don't see how to delete it.

December 13, 2011

One of those days...
Hello all! Feeling down today.
The weather is all cloudy and gloomy and that is how I feel. Not here to offer any advice today or try to appear strong, just here to say I miss my son!
There are days I feel stronger than others but this is not one of them.
Missing my dear boy, as I know you all feel this pain.
I am so sorry there are so many out there who are going through this.
My heart goes out to all of you.
sorry I posted this in the wrong place, I meant to post it here but started a new topic on the main board which I don't see how to delete it.

Hi Rose, one of those days, eh? I can completely relate to your feelings. Sometimes it is something that you just have to ride through. Take the day as it comes, and just let it be.

Thinking of all of you that are hurting today and hoping our children will lift our spirits up.

December 13, 2011

Rose no need to worry about starting a new thread, no worries at all. Feeling blue as the holidays approach? I sure get that and if I could find a way for that to just not happen I would, but alas, there is nothing I can do but listen. We can all listen and it does feel good to know that there are folks out there listening, understanding what it is we go through. If ever you feel weak, realize this: YOU ARE NOT WEAK...surviving to the next day after we lose a child proves that we are indeed not weak, we are in fact like warriors, fighting internal and external battles all the time while finding places to grieve and honor our Children. We are so STRONG, only we wish we never had to find out just how strong we really are. Peace.

December 13, 2011

Hello my indigo family:

a friend of mine, the one I visited while on our trip, whom I hadn't seen in 28 years, but who "gets it" about Mike's dying, sent this to me today. I thought I would share...reading it allowed me to shed some tears that I really needed to do right about now... I do remember feeling exactly as this author felt that first New Year's, and every one since, though the sharp "kick in the gut with a steel-toed boot" feeling has softened over time...still the thoughts and the pain "He will never live in this year" are embedded deeply.

The Year Before Last

by Unknown

The holiday season is approaching,

and with it comes the New Year.

Although for me time passes slowly,

New Year's Day will ring in quickly.

I dread this New Year's Day

because they will look at me

in a terribly strange way

when I get misty-eyed,

and talk about something you had done.

After you first left me,

they reasoned when I cried,

"He's only been gone a few months."

And I would catch that look of

understanding in their eyes,

and found some comfort that they knew.

But on last New Year's Day,

my first thought upon awakening was,

Oh God, my son died last year,

not just a few months ago, not even this year,

but last year.

He will never live in this year.

They didn't understand, they didn't reason,

that last year, for me, the loss was still new.

They thought, "It happened last year,

so long ago, why does she still cry?"

I could see it in their eyes.

This New Year's Day, will it be different?

Will my first thought upon awakening be,

Oh God, my son died the year before last,

not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,

but the year before last?

He will never live in this year.

Will they even listen, should I not look them

in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,

"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.

It was the year before last."

Those words that we use

to describe the passage of time,

a few months, this year,

last year, the year before last.

They don't know that time stands still for me.

Will they understand that's why I cry?

Don't they know

my son just died ...

the year before last?

December 13, 2011

Hello Indigos

Just wanted to share my favorite picture of Brianna, taken when she was 2 yrs old, dressed in her Christmas best. This is the photo on her stone also. She truly was my angel baby

December 14, 2011

Carol - that poem says it all.

Jenn - A beautiful Christmas angel for sure!

December 14, 2011

Hello Indigos
Just wanted to share my favorite picture of Brianna, taken when she was 2 yrs old, dressed in her Christmas best. This is the photo on her stone also. She truly was my angel baby

How cute is that? She's a doll! Thanks for sharing.

December 14, 2011

Hello my indigo family:
a friend of mine, the one I visited while on our trip, whom I hadn't seen in 28 years, but who "gets it" about Mike's dying, sent this to me today. I thought I would share...reading it allowed me to shed some tears that I really needed to do right about now... I do remember feeling exactly as this author felt that first New Year's, and every one since, though the sharp "kick in the gut with a steel-toed boot" feeling has softened over time...still the thoughts and the pain "He will never live in this year" are embedded deeply.
The Year Before Last
by Unknown
The holiday season is approaching,
and with it comes the New Year.
Although for me time passes slowly,
New Year's Day will ring in quickly.
I dread this New Year's Day
because they will look at me
in a terribly strange way
when I get misty-eyed,
and talk about something you had done.
After you first left me,
they reasoned when I cried,
"He's only been gone a few months."
And I would catch that look of
understanding in their eyes,
and found some comfort that they knew.
But on last New Year's Day,
my first thought upon awakening was,
Oh God, my son died last year,
not just a few months ago, not even this year,
but last year.
He will never live in this year.
They didn't understand, they didn't reason,
that last year, for me, the loss was still new.
They thought, "It happened last year,
so long ago, why does she still cry?"
I could see it in their eyes.
This New Year's Day, will it be different?
Will my first thought upon awakening be,
Oh God, my son died the year before last,
not a few months ago, not this year or even last year,
but the year before last?
He will never live in this year.
Will they even listen, should I not look them
in the eyes, for fear that I shall see,
"Why is she still crying? It happened so long ago.
It was the year before last."
Those words that we use
to describe the passage of time,
a few months, this year,
last year, the year before last.
They don't know that time stands still for me.
Will they understand that's why I cry?
Don't they know
my son just died ...
the year before last?

Thank you, Carol! What I would give to find the person that wrote that poem. How true. I spoke to a friend earlier this afternoon and mentioned that is was two years yesterday since Jeff had died. DIED, GONE, DECEASED, NO MORE, ETC. Her reply? " Yes, I know, what else is new?"Are you ready for the holidays?" Stuck in a moment, are we friend? God help them if they ever find themselves in our shoes. This is absolutely a different level of loss. The worst. Bar none! Too old not to get it she was. Just plain selfish and IGNORANT. I'm so tired of making it comfortable for "THEM". "THEY" are the ones that should give their heads a shake. It could be their precious little perfect lives that are shaken to the core tomorrow with a tragedy and loss of their perfect child. Then see how strong they are. I'd gladly trade with them. But given their reaction they treat me as if it is catching. What is wrong with this world? Are people really that desensitized? For the most part...it appears so. With the exception of a few good people. I could have put her head in a vise. Now that is not the Kate we all know!

December 14, 2011

Hello again all-

I had to make a new account because it was impossible to log in under my old name, even after trying several times to get a new password and so on. I want to thank you for all the kind words you have sent my way, and now I think I can make a proper post as to what brought me here and what life has been like for me personally. It's going to be more of a timeline because I think it would be easier to get it out that way. I apologize if it's a little long winded, but I appreciate you bearing with me.

October 21, approximately 4:25 P.M.: I talked to Amelia on the phone for what would later come to be the last time. I told her I had gotten her Halloween costume together and she was so excited. She was to be Belle for Halloween, and that weekend I was going to take her out for a few special things because she had been doing so well in school. She was at her friends at the park and I know she wanted to talk but her friends also wanted to play. I told her I would let her go, I loved her and missed her, and I would talk to her the next day. She said the same, and we hung up.

6:50 P.M.: The phone call that changed my life. Her mom called, and was frantic so I didn't understand what she said at first. She repeated herself, and my knees just buckled. I almost collapsed right there. She had no information and couldn't tell me what was going on with Amelia. She said she would call back ASAP. The minutes seemed like an eternity. I called my dad at one point to find out what was going on and he told me they were doing CPR on her. I asked him if she was alive, and he said he didn't know. I was frantically trying to get a hold of my family here (I live in CA, Amelia lived in Las Vegas). Finally, everyone was notified and my brother told me to pack and get ready. We were on the road within 90 minutes of the initial call. In that time, Amelia's mom (Michele) was calling me and giving me updates. It seemed that while her injuries were bad, she could pull through.

11:45 P.M.: We finally arrive at the hospital in Las Vegas. We go upstairs to the PICU and I tell them who I am. We also find out that 2 of Amelia's friends, both sisters had been hit as well and one was on life support and wasn't expected to survive. They point me toward a room. When I first saw her, I couldn't help but think this child looked nothing like mine. As other family went in and saw, they said the same thing. My sister even broke down because she just knew it couldn't be her. After a while, the rest of the family went back to my dad's house and I remained at the hospital with Michele.

October 22, 2:05 A.M.: Michele is on the phone with her husband, who is working out in Washington D.C. This is the first he's finding out about the accident, and then Michele drops a bombshell- the girls had been mixed up. We had been standing watch over the wrong girl, and each parent had been signing for medical treatment for the other's child for over 6 hours. I immediately lose it and walk right into the nurses' station and lit into each and every single one of them. I probably yelled for about 5 minutes straight before I couldn't say anything else and just walked right back out. I called my family and they were absolutely beside themselves. They headed back to the hospital and we finally saw Amelia for the first time since everything started. I can't even describe what I felt, other than just completely bursting into tears.

Approx. 4 A.M.: For the 1st time, we saw a doctor and our worst fears were realized. Amelia was on life support and the entire time, it was never a matter of IF she would die, it was WHEN. He told us what she had went through. Her heart was stopped for 20 minutes and they somehow brought her back, but the lack of oxygen to her brain in that time all but sealed her fate. Her pelvis was shattered, lacerated iliac artery, lung contusion, broken oribtal bone (to the point that brain matter was leaking out of her nose and I apologize if that's a little too graphic), seperated skull, multiple skull fractures, severe brain edema (fluid) and swelling, shattered eardrum and her spinal cord had detached from her brain stem. I couldn't even react. It just horrified me that she had gone through so much.

11 A.M.: They did an EEG on Amelia to register her brain activity and the police came up to take statements. They apologized for the mix-up and they looked absolutely beside themselves. Amelia's EEG showed maybe 10% brain activity. Once again, more doom and gloom from the doctor's and so on. The nurses spent the weekend trying to make her comfortable as possible, and they were trying to be optimistic, but you could tell that it was more or less just an attempt to hide their true emotions. We discussed taking Amelia off life support during the day, but Michele asked me if we could get through the weekend before we talked about that then. Not much really happened the rest of the day. We were holding on to any hope we could find, no matter how small and we just wanted her to come back.

October 23, approxmately 4 P.M.: Sunday was pretty much everything Saturday was- doom and gloom from the doctors, the nurses doing what they could, people coming to show support from all over the place, family going in and out of Amelia's room. The only bright spot was Rain, one of the sisters was discharged from the hospital. Alyssa, the girl we were originally standing watch over was still unconscious and critical and was about as touch and go as Amelia was.

October 24, 8:30 A.M. I awoke to Michele saying that they might be able to do an MRI today. We had some hope because Amelia was making some movements (more like twitches but we were holding on to anything we could find) and it seemed like some of her swelling was going down.

11 A.M.: Michele's husband finally makes it in from Washington D.C.

11:45 A.M.: The head of the PICU comes in and more or less completely destroys any hope we have left of Amelia recovering. She never moved on her own, never took a breath on her own, it was all the machines. She could survive, but the best case would have been her either being a vegetable her entire life or a quadripelegic with severe brain damage. At that point, we had to make the decision to let her go. It was the only humane thing we could do for her. We break it to my family and are completely devastated. The next 2 hours are spent getting ready to do what we just couldn't bear to do. We gather all the family and spend as much time in the room with her as possible.

1:45 P.M.: Nurses disconnect all but the pain medication lines and take Amelia off life support.

1:48 P.M.: Amelia is pronounced dead.

Approx. 2:15 P.M.: Michele holds Amelia's body while I talk to the coroner and try to start finding someone to handle arrangements and so on. I ask for no autopsy and the coroner does his exam.

3:15 P.M.: I stay in the room with Amelia's body as the mortuary assistant comes in and prepares her for transport. They put her in a body bag and I ask if I can kiss her one last time. He says yes and I kiss her forehead. She was so cold and they zip her up and put her on a gurney. Me, my brother and my sister follow them downstairs and they put her in the back of a van. As they drive off, my sister loses it and all I can do is watch.

I need to wrap this up for now as I have received some very upsetting news but I will continue in my next post with the aftermath and how I'm dealing now. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.

Chris

December 14, 2011

Chris - I read every word. Not too graphic...not here. I'm so sorry!

December 14, 2011

Chris, I will read your account of Amelias time in a moment but must post these words by Eddie Vedder. This song is one that plays itself over and over for me adn today, when my Son asked me to pick him up from the bank, he sold his car, he was so happy on the phone, but then when I arrived, he was crying. His good friend in Michigan lost a best friend that both Jon and Eri knew. He was electricuted today. Jon said, you met him Mom, I asked how and he said, He was there for Eri. Sweet Son, so many losses, my heart to all of us who know all too well what it is to lose someone so dear. Carol, the words from your friend are amazingly on cue aren't they? WOW!

Yes I understand

That every life must end

As we sit alone

I know someday we must go

Oh I'm a lucky man

To count on both hands

The ones I love

Some folks just have one

Yeah others they got none

Stay with me

Let's just breathe

Practiced on our sins

Never gonna let me win

Under everything

Just another human being

I don't want to hurt

There's so much in this world

to make me believe

Stay with me

All I see

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

What if I did and I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

'cause I come clean

I wonder everyday

As I look upon your face

Everything you gave

And nothing you would take

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?

Did I say that I want you?

What if I did and I'm a fool you see

No one knows this more than me

I come clean

Nothing you would take

Everything you gave

Hold me till I die

Meet you on the other side

December 14, 2011

Chris - I read every word. Not too graphic...not here. I'm so sorry!

Chris, I too read every word. I am so sorry about your baby girl. It is so very hard. Dee...I feel for Jon and his friends and their family. Again, I am sorry. Thanks for posting the words to the song. How true it is.

Chris...take care of yourself.

December 14, 2011

Hello again all-
I had to make a new account because it was impossible to log in under my old name, even after trying several times to get a new password and so on. I want to thank you for all the kind words you have sent my way, and now I think I can make a proper post as to what brought me here and what life has been like for me personally. It's going to be more of a timeline because I think it would be easier to get it out that way. I apologize if it's a little long winded, but I appreciate you bearing with me.
October 21, approximately 4:25 P.M.: I talked to Amelia on the phone for what would later come to be the last time. I told her I had gotten her Halloween costume together and she was so excited. She was to be Belle for Halloween, and that weekend I was going to take her out for a few special things because she had been doing so well in school. She was at her friends at the park and I know she wanted to talk but her friends also wanted to play. I told her I would let her go, I loved her and missed her, and I would talk to her the next day. She said the same, and we hung up.
6:50 P.M.: The phone call that changed my life. Her mom called, and was frantic so I didn't understand what she said at first. She repeated herself, and my knees just buckled. I almost collapsed right there. She had no information and couldn't tell me what was going on with Amelia. She said she would call back ASAP. The minutes seemed like an eternity. I called my dad at one point to find out what was going on and he told me they were doing CPR on her. I asked him if she was alive, and he said he didn't know. I was frantically trying to get a hold of my family here (I live in CA, Amelia lived in Las Vegas). Finally, everyone was notified and my brother told me to pack and get ready. We were on the road within 90 minutes of the initial call. In that time, Amelia's mom (Michele) was calling me and giving me updates. It seemed that while her injuries were bad, she could pull through.
11:45 P.M.: We finally arrive at the hospital in Las Vegas. We go upstairs to the PICU and I tell them who I am. We also find out that 2 of Amelia's friends, both sisters had been hit as well and one was on life support and wasn't expected to survive. They point me toward a room. When I first saw her, I couldn't help but think this child looked nothing like mine. As other family went in and saw, they said the same thing. My sister even broke down because she just knew it couldn't be her. After a while, the rest of the family went back to my dad's house and I remained at the hospital with Michele.
October 22, 2:05 A.M.: Michele is on the phone with her husband, who is working out in Washington D.C. This is the first he's finding out about the accident, and then Michele drops a bombshell- the girls had been mixed up. We had been standing watch over the wrong girl, and each parent had been signing for medical treatment for the other's child for over 6 hours. I immediately lose it and walk right into the nurses' station and lit into each and every single one of them. I probably yelled for about 5 minutes straight before I couldn't say anything else and just walked right back out. I called my family and they were absolutely beside themselves. They headed back to the hospital and we finally saw Amelia for the first time since everything started. I can't even describe what I felt, other than just completely bursting into tears.
Approx. 4 A.M.: For the 1st time, we saw a doctor and our worst fears were realized. Amelia was on life support and the entire time, it was never a matter of IF she would die, it was WHEN. He told us what she had went through. Her heart was stopped for 20 minutes and they somehow brought her back, but the lack of oxygen to her brain in that time all but sealed her fate. Her pelvis was shattered, lacerated iliac artery, lung contusion, broken oribtal bone (to the point that brain matter was leaking out of her nose and I apologize if that's a little too graphic), seperated skull, multiple skull fractures, severe brain edema (fluid) and swelling, shattered eardrum and her spinal cord had detached from her brain stem. I couldn't even react. It just horrified me that she had gone through so much.
11 A.M.: They did an EEG on Amelia to register her brain activity and the police came up to take statements. They apologized for the mix-up and they looked absolutely beside themselves. Amelia's EEG showed maybe 10% brain activity. Once again, more doom and gloom from the doctor's and so on. The nurses spent the weekend trying to make her comfortable as possible, and they were trying to be optimistic, but you could tell that it was more or less just an attempt to hide their true emotions. We discussed taking Amelia off life support during the day, but Michele asked me if we could get through the weekend before we talked about that then. Not much really happened the rest of the day. We were holding on to any hope we could find, no matter how small and we just wanted her to come back.
October 23, approxmately 4 P.M.: Sunday was pretty much everything Saturday was- doom and gloom from the doctors, the nurses doing what they could, people coming to show support from all over the place, family going in and out of Amelia's room. The only bright spot was Rain, one of the sisters was discharged from the hospital. Alyssa, the girl we were originally standing watch over was still unconscious and critical and was about as touch and go as Amelia was.
October 24, 8:30 A.M. I awoke to Michele saying that they might be able to do an MRI today. We had some hope because Amelia was making some movements (more like twitches but we were holding on to anything we could find) and it seemed like some of her swelling was going down.
11 A.M.: Michele's husband finally makes it in from Washington D.C.
11:45 A.M.: The head of the PICU comes in and more or less completely destroys any hope we have left of Amelia recovering. She never moved on her own, never took a breath on her own, it was all the machines. She could survive, but the best case would have been her either being a vegetable her entire life or a quadripelegic with severe brain damage. At that point, we had to make the decision to let her go. It was the only humane thing we could do for her. We break it to my family and are completely devastated. The next 2 hours are spent getting ready to do what we just couldn't bear to do. We gather all the family and spend as much time in the room with her as possible.
1:45 P.M.: Nurses disconnect all but the pain medication lines and take Amelia off life support.
1:48 P.M.: Amelia is pronounced dead.
Approx. 2:15 P.M.: Michele holds Amelia's body while I talk to the coroner and try to start finding someone to handle arrangements and so on. I ask for no autopsy and the coroner does his exam.
3:15 P.M.: I stay in the room with Amelia's body as the mortuary assistant comes in and prepares her for transport. They put her in a body bag and I ask if I can kiss her one last time. He says yes and I kiss her forehead. She was so cold and they zip her up and put her on a gurney. Me, my brother and my sister follow them downstairs and they put her in the back of a van. As they drive off, my sister loses it and all I can do is watch.
I need to wrap this up for now as I have received some very upsetting news but I will continue in my next post with the aftermath and how I'm dealing now. Thank you for reading if you made it this far.
Chris

December 14, 2011

Chris, the tragic circumstances of your Girl's death are heart breaking. I know those days of mind numbing pacing, the bargaining with God, the knowing underneath it all that she would not come home. Eri too, massive brain injury, brain bleeds all over her brain, brain stem all but severed, there was no life for her, we had the machines turned off as well, 6 days after the accident. Eri died after about an hour, a bit less. Your sequence was written in the way that shows the heartbreaking events that have brought you to us. I will keep you in my heart and thoughts as you find ways to get through this very hard time.

Blessings,

Kate the words do so speak to my heart, and the music is gorgeous. I cry each time I listen, and tonight I listened three times.

December 14, 2011

I miss my Stephanie's laugh the most.

December 14, 2011

I miss my Stephanie's laugh the most.

Susannah...she has such a lovely smile too!

December 14, 2011

This time of the year seems to magnify our pain. Sitting here tonight reflecting on years past and Christmases spent sharing so much happiness and joy. I miss Jeff's gentle and good nature. His goofy sense of humour. He never failed to lighten the load when it got hard. It seems so quiet here tonight. Can't seem to watch any Christmas plays as lovely as they may be. I just can't stop thinking about him. Nobody knows what real loss is until they have lost a child.

December 14, 2011

December 14, 2011

(((Kate))) At least we don't have to walk this road alone.

December 14, 2011

Chris: I cried through every word of your personal account of your sweet girl Amelia’s last days.. So emotionally painful, I am so very sorry… I have never really been able to account the last days before my son Chad left this world.. I don’t know if I could ever put it into words that would make any sense..

My heart goes out to you and your family…. Hold on tight you are in my thoughts and prayers tonight..

Kate: Feeling blue as well tonight… ((hugs)) to you…

Jenn: Brianna’s picture was a bright spot in my day thank you for sharing her with us… What a sweetheart…

Love and Peace to all Indigo’s

Polly--Chad’s Mom

December 14, 2011

Chris ~ Emotional and honest account of the hardest day of your life. The day timestamped forever in our minds, our hearts our very existence.

Ask me about the day my child died and can tell you minute by minute where I was and what I was doing. I have played that day, that one day over in my head a million times. I can say the ambulance was called at 0935hrs, the first ambulance arrived on scene at 0942 confirming 'full arrest, no CPR in progress'. Can count the minutes that CPR was being administered. Break that down into how many times they ran their CPR arrest protocols. I know exactly when they stopped and called time of death...1020hrs. I know it took 40mins for me to drive to where Mike lay ~ waiting for me. I arrived to be with Mike at 1100hrs. I got to sit with him till the police officers gave the nod that the coroner was on the way and I would need leave. I called to see if the coroner had finished a preliminary assessment and if Mike had been taken. "Yes Micheal is with us here". The sound of a very young person who understood my need to know he was 'alright'.

I don't recount this to anyone any more. For my first year it was the only way I could talk about Mike dying. It was clinical, it was who I was...a trained Emergency Medical Dispatcher.

Here in our parellel universe we can openly share those thoughts those recollections about the last time we saw our children....out side here they wouldn't know how to deal with such raw open honest emotions.

Carol ~ I so love that poem..and I will with your permission borrow it.

Dee ~ you owe me one heck of alot of Kleenex. I play that over and over in my car at "Mikes Place" and when I drive country...screaming those words JUST BREATHE!

What do I miss about my boy....his knowingness, his smile and his hugs.....

Smile

Adoration

Knowing

The baby

December 14, 2011

December 14, 2011

Here is more of my post now that I'm actually calm enough to be typing again. The aftermath of Amelia's death in a lot of ways was worse than her actually, dying- if that's even possible.

October 24, 4:00 P.M.- 9:00 P.M. or so: We leave the hospital, which was a surreal experience as it was and head back to my dad's house. On the way, my brother calls me and tells me that my stepmom's boss had called and offered to pay for all costs associated with the funeral. That had blown my mind, as I hadn't even begun to think about how we were going to afford to bury Amelia. Once at my dad's house, there was a lot of protesting at the crosswalk where the girls were hit. There was a memorial put there, every news outlet in Las Vegas was there, and people were holding signs yelling at drivers to slow down. This would happen throughout the next week or so. Also, my dad was drunk and acting a fool while we're all trying to grieve. It was a lot to handle, and even as people were crossing the street, many of them came close to getting hit, including my sister a few times during the week, my brother, and a few friends. I basically cried all night and it got to be too much to handle. I went back to my dad's house.

11:00 P.M.: Sitting in a hotel room in Downtown Las Vegas with most of my family as we're watching the news. Reports of Amelia's death led every newscast and an interview with the city traffic engineer, in which said person said that any additional safety measures at that particular crosswalk would be "inappropriate" result in me almost putting my fist through a plasma TV. I don't sleep much the next 6 nights.

October 25-30: Over the next 6 days, a lot of drama happens within the family as close and cramped living situations, grief, my father crawling into a bottle and saying very hurtful things to me and Michele, and the whole situation cause a lot of tension. On the 26th, Michele and I take care of funeral arrangements (during which I have an inappropriate moment quite by accident). Keeping in mind that it wasn't our money and the funeral home helped us out quite a bit, we finalize very tasteful and beautiful arrangements. A candlelight vigil for the girls on the 28th was very beautiful and about 400 people from the community show up to grieve and honor the girls. Family finally goes home on Sunday, the 30th. A car wash benefit for the girls is put on by a motorcyle club Alyssa and Rain's dad knows and raises over $1700 in under 6 hours.

Halloween: The first real test for me, as it was 1 week to the day since Amelia had passed. I took Amelia's older half-sister trick-or-treating. She was a little hesitant at first, but when we ran into Rain and members of her family, she got a lot better with things. A very surreal night for me, and it definitely felt much different- very empty.

November 1-4: Trying to finish last minute things for the funeral. The family comes back into town the night of the 4th and my cousin, a youth pastor living in NC, flies in to officiate for the funeral.

November 5: The funeral. We saw Amelia for the first time since the hospital. She looked beautiful, but we couldn't do an open casket because her face was sunken in and stretched out. She was buried with her halloween costume, a tiger she had forever, a blanket, and many other trinkets. She was wearing a purple dress she loved. The funeral was beautiful, I gave the eulogy without passing out, I made a slide show that everyone said was really nice, and it couldn't have gone much better if we had planned it to. The burial was the most surreal part of my life. Me, my father, brother, and Amelia's stepdad were pallbearers and the moment I touched the handle of the casket, it was as if all sound has disappeared. Very slowly, we moved her casket from the chapel to her final resting place. My cousin did the commital of the body to the ground, we all placed flowers on her casket, they closed the vault and lowered it into the ground, and that was it. Afterwards, we went to the park where the crosswalk was for a celebration of her life. It was a nice turnout. I spend the rest of the night in a hotel drinking with my brother until I'm tired enough to fall asleep.

November 6- 14: More drama over this period of time. My dad and stepmom made no secret of the fact that they blame Michele for what happened to Amelia, even though they were home at the time as well. Well, they vocalize it to her, and all hell broke loose. My dad also winds up in the hospital after the blowout due to angina, but I think a lot of it was his drinking. It always upset me that they felt this way but nothing I said mattered. On the 10th, the police recommend charges of Failure to yield, unlawful passing of a car stopped for pedestrians and vehicular manslaughter.

November 14-23: I return home for the first time since October 21. It was a lot quieter and felt a lot different, but it was nice to be home and away from the bitterness, sadness and sorrow. After weeks of touch and go, a surgery on her leg and much improvement, Alyssa is transferred to a rehab center on the 23rd after 32 days in the PICU.

November 24-December 2: Thanksgiving weekend was not good for me. Both families got together for Thanksgiving dinner and that was nice, but almost no sleep and just a general sadness for me made Thanksgiving lousy overall. I spend a lot of time with the other family and bond with the other kids. November 30 would have been Amelia's 7th birthday and I spent all day at the cemetery. We also make final touches for what will be Amelia's headstone. It was a nice day, if not completely windy and it was quiet. I return home early the morning of December 2.

I've been home since then and for the most part it has been alright, except for the last 2 nights. Monday night, we find out that charges against the driver were formally filed, yet manslaughter was not one of them and last night we found out that the reason for that was because the city attorney didn't think he could prove it beyond a reasonable doubt- like Amelia dying wasn't enough. It just felt to me like they were charging the woman with the accident and either conveniently forgetting or blatantly ignoring Amelia's death. My entire family is devastated over these recent events and there's just the overall feeling that Amelia will never get any sort of real justice. The woman probably will not do any jail time because of her age (78) and it's just... I can't describe it. It just hurts so much. Well, that's pretty much a very condensed version of 7 weeks of sadness, pain and tragedy. I do appreciate the welcome you all have given me and I look forward to getting to know you all. As soon as I can figure out how to insert pictures in here, I would love to show you my little princess.

Chris

December 14, 2011