Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Colleen - Hugs to you my friend!

Greg - Stephanie looked like she was sleeping, too.

Becky - LOL - Shiny floor indeed! He does appear to be a bit stubborn. He should fit right in with our angels. In fact, most of us agree that our children led us to this site, so I'm sure they have already met.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Modified.

[ericasmom]

Hopefully these are two photos from Christmas' past.

[ericasmom]

ooops, now here we go...Eri was in her new robe and jammies, posing by our tree. We woke to NO HEAT and it was about 15 degrees that Christmas. The walls were peeled back awaiting my work...The next one is Eri as an angel at Church, the same portion of the church where her casket rested 8.5 years ago. In this photo, Eri is the little dark headed girl on the upper riser,with her head turned, looking downward, shy. The next was a Christmas when Jon was so excited to have found a GAME BOY and Sister Erz was just as pleased with her gifts. I sure miss them both opening gifts, and I know Jonathan does, not wanting gifts since Eri left. We manage to get him some things that we know he really needs or wants, but never too many, he becomes uncomfortable.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - wow, my heart is still pounding hard at the posts I have just read, the last moments with your child, the horrific pain of "identification", knowing the extent of the injuries they endured....I am so very sorry, it hurts to read it let alone live it. I guess I should be thankful that my Jessica went instantly from a heart attack, no pain, no injuries, just one moment looking in the mirror to check that she looked "GREAT" and the next moment on the floor with a heart that stopped.....Jessica was in the bathroom at the restaurant where she was having dinner with friends....they all had left just a few minutes before Jessica went into the bathroom as she was waiting for her ride home as she did not drive when she was gonna have a drink.....I guess the only real anger I had was that it was about 20 minutes before the bartender and her ride home decided something was wrong as Jessica had not come out of the bathroom, they banged on the door, no answer, they looked under the door and saw her hair and they broke the door in, called 911......all of my friends were on the ambulance call and they started CPR even though she was gone as they wanted to transport her to the hospital as opposed to leaving her where she was and waiting for the coronor to arrive.....they were thinking of hubby and I and I am thankful for that, thankful our friends were with her and not strangers. All I know is that we have all lost a child and to me it is the worst thing that will ever happen to me, I cannot imagine a pain worse. I thank you for sharing even though it is hard it is a good thing to be able to talk about it with those who understand......Most of the time when I want to talk about Jessica I get the "oh no here we go" LOOK and I just take a breath and change the subject....I do not have to do that here among you my friends, my family

Bonnie - so happy you have 2 small ones with you for Christmas and I am saying prayers that you get the gift of a precious baby girl !!

Carol - thank you for the compliment.....my hair has grown quite long and I like it that way, alot of my friends have gone short but I still like the long hair.....can put it up or wear it down so I get a bit of variety as opposed to the same look each day......Not very often there is a pic of me as I am usually the one behind the camera...

Well, I must say good nite as I have to get Tavian to bed....he is off too New York City tomorrow with his class to go to the Museum of Natural History....leaving at 7 am on the bus and arriving back around 6 pm so it will be a long but very exciting day for him. I will worry of course about all of the things that "could" happen to him but will do my best to remain calm......I never let him see my fear as I want him to have a happy life and not be afraid to try things so I will worry in silence and I know his mommy will be watching over him from above.

Love, Peace and Strength to all.....Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Yes, Kathy, we can talk all we want here. I, too, am grateful for that. Prayers for a wonderful, SAFE, trip for Tavian!

Love the pictures of Erica and Jonathon, Dee. So bittersweet.

Here is a picture of me cuddling with Little Curtis (my son's son) and Jasmine, Stephanie's daughter. There's also one of Mariah and Jonathon watching Kungfu Panda 2. I told them to scoot together and Jonathon wrapped his arms around Mariah - she wasn't too thrilled.

[Susie_q512]

Yet another generic post from me, directed to everyone, but no one in general. I read every word, look at every picture, follow every link you all post. My heart is moved, and my spiritual arms reach out and wrap around each you. Holding you spiritually close to my heart is all that I know to do. There really is very little comfort to be found on this journey....at least not for me....not yet. Maybe somewhere much farther down this road? (It's funny how songs randomly play in my mind when I say, think, type or do certain things. Like just now, as I typed that last sentence, "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" began playing in my mind. This happens constantly since Shannon's passing. Sometimes I think it's a sign; other times I question if I am losing what little mind I have left?)

I finally faced the dreaded Christmas shopping today. What I thought would only take me about 4 hours to accomplish ended up taking me 13 hours to do. Many times I was overwhelmed, anxious and feeling like every noise was getting louder and everything was getting closer. Countless time was spent sobbing in the car, trying to get myself together to go back and finish what I must do so that Ragan's Christmas has a small chance of being a little brighter. Got pretty much everything done with the exception of a few minor things that can be taken care of later. I am spent....emotionally, physically and mentally.

So many reminders of Shannon at various ages. A lot of flashbacks to the accident scene and images of her in the casket.....the grave, the roadside memorial, and the words "She's DEAD" screaming in my head and heart. I was in Ulta getting a few things for Ragan, and when I went to check out I couldn't find my Ulta card. The cashier asked for my phone number. I gave it to her. She typed it in, and then said, "Shannon Wilson?" I was taken aback at first. Took me a few moments to process things. Assuming that Shannon got a card for herself using my cell number instead of her own number. With tears in my eyes that were threatening to overflow, I simply said, "Yes". Out to the car I went and sobbed again. Wasn't expecting that....maybe it was a sign?....Shannon's little reminder that she was with me? I also ran into someone I know through work at Bath and Body. She was working there and saw me. She of course came to speak with me, but hadn't heard of Shannon's passing....so, there I was having to tell her and witness her shock and tears. I purchased 40 dollars worth of stuff and don't even really know what I got...guess I was too upset. The bag is in the trunk. I was also wearing one of Shannon's hoodies that has some school club list on it. One lady in front of me at checkout at a different store, noticed it and asked if I had been in DECA? I said "No", just wearing my daughter's hoodie." She then asked if my daughter was in DECA? I said "No. She was killed in an accident 12 weeks ago." Before leaving, this lady asked if she could hug me....she looked like she really needed to hug me, so I said, "Sure you can." She told me that she would pray for me. Strange exchange, but she was being kind in the only way she knew how.....again, stumbling out of a store, choking on tears and taking refuge in my car to cry yet again. Excruciatingly long and emotional day. So weary, but doubting that I will find sleep tonight.

Love to all

[mikesmum]

God, it is so unnatural to have to stand and look at your child's lifeless body. I almost expected him to sit up and yell " psyche"!

Greg ~ I had that same feeling. Even though I had just walked through a dozen emergency service people, sitting with Micheal I almost expected him to open his eyes, smile and say "gotcha".

I guess I was lucky (?) that those who attended Micheal knew us, some knew him. When I arrived on scene he was peacefully laying in his bed, hands folded, calm, as though he was just dozing. No indication of the 55 mins of chaos that preceded my arrival.

As for identifying the helicopters, emergency vehicles, well I did before Mike died, part of the job. I responded Mal that day knowing Mike would have the best Intensive Care Paramedic working on him. Having an ambulance parked in my drive and the paramedic who attened Mike living with me isn't easy on anyone.

Christmas ~ My tree is up. Every year bar one, I have a pine tree. The memories evoked by the smell of pine through the house are good memories.

I am making new memories for those who come after me. For them to link the smell of pine to Granma's home at Christmas, as it was when mine were young.

Pics to share...

from Left to right Melissa, Steven & Micheal around '83, 84.

Steven's children, Zak & Jeya

My tree facing out to the mountains.....See the lights Mike?

[Michaels mum]

I am posting here on the adult child forum as advised although my angel was only 12. I am totally heartbroken and can barely write this. I still can't believe my gorgeous boy is no longer with me. He was the reason for getting up in the morning, the light of my life. I was so proud of him and can't comprehend what has happened. A few weeks ago we were on holiday and it was to be our last. I am so angry too. Why did no-one warn me? By that I know I am being irrational because who am I talking about...its just that we have such a close bond with our children I'm sure I would have have some sort of sense that he was in danger but nothing. Nothing at all. and that makes me mad.

I can still hear his lovely voice telling me I'm the best mum in the world and 'I love you!'. I cannot bear the thought of the rest of my life without him. What's it all about? I tried so hard to give him a good life and prepare him for the future..why bother?

The horror of being unable to save Michael, the ambulances, hospital, funeral etc is horrendous - too much to take in yet I have to. He was simply wonderful in so many ways. Now he is gone

I'm sorry that this is brief - i've read lovely descriptions of your angels. I'm struggling with everything although I have lots of support and its really tough to be writing this at all.

Love and hugs to you all

Susie

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I love the photos, Love the light on your tree, shining out for your Angel to see. I think that the simple beauty of your tree and your hope that Mike sees it may encourage me to have one next year. It is lovely.

Susannah, nice photo of the kids cuddling with you.

Susie, good that you were directed here, we are a big and talkative group, all of us understanding the ache and pain of where you are right now. Many here are new to grief too, many of us like myself, have been on this journey for many years. I guess we remain in part, to show those new that there is hope, though in the beginning, it is hard to even fathom that in ones life again; hope.

Tell us about Michael if you can, all that you are able to tell us. It is often in the telling and the retelling that we find ourselves and learn to walk and breathe again, we learn to take some steps even though each one is painful. Trust us here, we have your heart surrounded by ours...

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Modified.

[shorty16]

Susan,

I want to give you an ATTA-BOY for even trying to shop. This is the most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with. 3.5 years on this journey and I cried like a baby last night at my Compassionate Friends meeting. I go there to help others and last night they helped me.

The first Christmas without Brian we left the state. No Christmas tree - no lights - nothing. We took the kids and ran.

You are doing a great job to even get out of the house at all.

Really, be proud of your progress and not upset when we take those inevitable(sp) steps back

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Susie

Your son was only 12, my son was only 16 - neither were adults, but that does not matter on this site. How they died does not matter either. We are here to support each other.

Please tell us about your boy. My son, Brian was our sense of humor. He was a real physical comic. He made faces, noises, body language, the whole bit. He was a handsome boy and had no shortage of girlfriends. My Brian loved snow-boarding and was very good at it. Brian was physically coordinated and a risk taker. That combination lead to him pushing himself to do what others could or would not do.

Before Brian's death, he was just starting to turn into a man. He would shave (but you could not tell the difference), he was getting taller and his shoulders were filling out. It was the beginning of the summer before his senior year and one week after his junior year ended - he is dead - completely preventable car crash.

We are all here, because a piece of us has died. We are here to learn how to live again.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Michaels mum]

Thanks for your replies

I'll try to tell you about Michael. He was lovely, growing up to be a handsome young man. He had a great sense of humour, cheeky and intelligent. Life had been a struggle as he had Aspergers but I had just started to relax with him and look forward to his future. He was doing really well at high school - in lots of clubs - archery, chess, film and math club. He loved reading and spent much of his time in the library. He was happy and looking forward to so much. We spent many happy holidays together. He loved his food, movies and computers.

His funeral was beautiful if there can be such a thing. It was held in a cathedral - they offered to hold it for free- and the cathedral was packed. I got up and read a 5 minute euology that i'd written. People said I wouldn't have the strength but God gave it to me. It was important as it was the last earthly act I could do for my precious son. He touched so many people and we've had hundreds of cards etc. People have been so supportive. He was so loved.

In his name, the club he attended is opening an internet cafe and his school is raising money for a library to be built in his memory at a school our church is building in Ghana. The school is having a chess competition and trophy in his memory.

So Michael lives on. He will not be forgotten. But my heart is forever broken. I have to carry on for his little brother who misses Michael so much.

Much love

Susie

[Susie_q512]

Susie - I lost my daughter 3 months ago today in a car accident about a mile from our home. She was only 16. I question "why" daily. I ponder how a broken and shattered heart can continue to beat? How do lungs continue to take in air when it hurts so badly and deeply to simply take a breath? How does a tormented mind continue to function? How does an exhausted and battered body continue to move? I have no answers. I only know that somehow, someway, we continue to live. My heart aches for each new parent who arrives here, although I am thankful that each has found their way us. All I know to do for each here is to hold you close to my heart. I think of our Angels daily,and I have come to believe that each played a role in bringing us together to share this dark and heavy burden. Special Angels lighting the way for their parents to find others who can wrap them in love, acceptance, safety and support. We are blessed to have such a group of loving people to help us as we fumble blindly through the darkness that now surrounds us. Much love, understanding and "knowing" is extended to you from my heart to yours.

Carol - How are you and Mike (Ralph)?

Leah - Haven't seen you posting lately....you ok?

Carrie - How are you holding up under the weight you have been feeling?

Lorri - Orange for you and Kourtney

Becky (Jared's Mom?) - You show tremendous strength for one so new to this journey. Your words and poetry have touched my heart. The line in your poem about relinquishing your sword to God hit home. It may have been the thing that triggered my details of Shannon's accident. I started thinking of the anger I feel at losing her, and who do I have to blame? I don't blame Shannon....she made a mistake that many of us have made while driving. It was a costly mistake, but still a mistake. I guess my anger is directed at God for allowing it to happen. How do I relinquish my sword to God when He is the one I am angry at? Heaven help me for saying this, but if I could, I wouldn't relinquish the sword....think I might try to use it to slay Him and take my daughter back. Trusting that He knows the depths of my heart and will forgive me my anger and rebellion toward Him. You are right, Shannon's eyes remind me of your Jared's eyes....both absolutely beautiful people.

Today I feel as though I have physically fought a war....I suppose that yesterday I did just that. Kinda proud of myself too.....feeling like I kicked Christmas' ass. WHOAH! On a humerus note, I got a really cool gift for one of my nephews. My niece and her 2 kids have been staying with me since October 30th. Anyway, he is autistic and has bonded with me very well since arriving. I work very well with him.....he even hugs me several times a day, which is an incredible accomplishment for an autistic child. I found this Dinosaur Poop Excavating Kit.....yep, fossilized dino poop in a block of plaster. You use the excavating tools to chip away at the plaster and uncover the poo. Even has a bag to keep the treasured poo in.....he has a great sense of humor, so I expect he will love and appreciate this gift.

Dreamed of Shadow last night. I was on the back deck looking out over the backyard. I noticed movement at his grave, and when I looked in that direction, I saw him pulling himself up and out of the grave. He shook himself off and galloped all happy and healthy and vibrant to me. As he got to me, I loved on him, but then he continued on his way. As he passed me, his body began to shimmer and vibrate, and then he was gone. As he was passing me, he was looking at something or someone else....off to the left of me. I could not see who or what he was responding to, but I suspect it was Shannon that he saw and went to. Sweet end to a very restless night.

Love to all.

[lolynbo]

Lorri - Orange for you and Kourtney

.

THANK YOU SO MUCH HATE THAT I CANT DO IT

NOT MUCH TO REPORT HERE....KIMBERLY WILL BE 28 TOM, AND WE HAD A DINNER AT MACARONI GRILL AND SPENT $130 ON THE MEAL AND TIP....SHE OPENED HER GIFTS KODY TOLD HER THAT ALL OF THEM WAS FROM HIM...LOL MOM AND DAD DIDNT GET HER ANYTHING.....I GUESS SHE LIKED THEM IDK

STILL RAINING AND COLD HERE, SO SICK OF THIS CRAPPY WEATHER..

BUT 263 DAYS I WILL BE ON A CRUISE SHIP (YES AGAIN TO BAHAMAS) 3RD TIMES THE CHARM...JUST MONTY AND I....HOPING KODY WAYNE WILL HAVE A JOB BY THEN...GOOD JOB

[Michaels mum]

Thanks for your understanding xx

Shannon's mum - your Shannon is so beautiful x So sad that we have to be here on this forum but glad its here. I am surrounded by friends but no-one knows how it feels unless you are in this awful place.

I have been given the phone number for a local contact for Compassionate Friends. I will try to find the strength to call them tomorrow.

I have attached a picture of my darling Michael

Susie xxx

[westleysmom]

Susie-Your Michael is beautiful. I'm so sorry for your loss and at the same time glad you found your way here. It has been almost 2 years since my 20 year old son Westley died in his sleep at a friend's house. It seems sometimes like forever. And then again like it happened yesterday, hell right now. It is a rollercoaster ride, especially at first. You are in my thoughts.

Becky-I read with sadness your story and am so sorry for your loss too. How is your daughter doing, if I can ask? I hope she is doing as well as she can. I worry about my daughter, who is older than Westley and had been gone from our home for nearly 6 years when he died. We don't talk about it much, as she has two children and we can't talk much around them. We speak of Westley, but we don't talk about his death, since it makes me cry and would upset her daughter, who was 18 months old when it happened. She barely remembers him, but she knows his pictures when she sees them. I still have them out, the ones that hung on the walls, but I can not look at a photo album just yet. Hugs to you and welcome here where I have found healing.

Lorri-Hope that Kimmy has a great birthday and enjoys all the gifts Kody got for her (haha)

Susan-Our dark and heavy burden for sure. Great job on the Christmas shopping. I find myself in tears all the time, but especially when doing something like shopping for gifts and I realize I can't buy him any.

Trudi and Dee and Susannah-Thanks for the pictures. I enjoy seeing our angels happy long ago and the new pictures that are proof that life goes on.

Greg-I'm so sorry for the pain that seeing your Brian like that caused. When we saw Westley, he had the breathing tube still where they had tried to revive him, but aside from that, he just appeared to be asleep. I touched his arm and I held his hand and I kissed his face, but he was gone. I can still feel the knife in my heart that broke it. I'm so sorry that you have one too.

Colleen-Sorry that you are having a hard time, but I'm usually more surprised when I'm having a good day than a bad. Maybe someday, that will change. Hugs

Bonnie-Good luck with the adoption process and with your temporary charges too.

Kathy-I'm glad that Jessica had people that you knew around her. I'm so sorry that it happened at all. Love your hair, too.

Haven't had much time lately to post, but trying to keep up with all. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you all to talk to.

[Guest msnher]

Deep sigh. A friend of Stephanie's was killed in a car accident yesterday. Lydia was 31 yrs old. If memory serves me right, her mother either left or died when she was young. She (Lydia) was abused by her father and brother when younger. She leaves behind two young boys. Please pray for them.

[517958]

Susannah - So sorry to hear of another person lost too soon. I will pray for them.

All other newbies - I'm sorry for your losses as well and I wish you had never heard of this site. I wish that for myself as well.

Feeling sick to my stomach today. Missing my Charlotte so much. Wondering how I'm supposed to live the rest of my life without her. My Julia misses her sister so much. I went to the Compassionate Friends remembrance service last night. The remembrances and dedications are nice but I walk away feeling empty. So I lit a candle for her. So we saw her beautiful, smiling face up on a screen set to sad music. I don't want a candle, I don't want a movie dedicated to her or a tree or a t-shirt or 90 million dollars! I want my baby back!!! I hate this.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Deleted

[ericasmom]

Becky, what a lovely poem. BOB MARLY seems to be a favorite among many of our Angels...

Susie, your Michael is a beautiful boy, so sweet. These first weeks and months are some of the most powerfully painful that you shall ever know, so hold on Dear, breathe and talk to your Angel, I do believe they hear us. They feel us. Try to sleep when you are able to and eat some little meals when you can, protein and drink some water every hour. We forget these basic things as we grieve.

Susannah, prayers for Stephanie's girlfriend, with hope that her children will be raised by good people.

[briansdad]

I took this at the cemetery this summer.

[summergirl]

Susier - welcome to this wonderful site but so very sorry for the reason why....Your Michael, what a cutie, those eyes and that smile....I am so very sorry for your loss.....We lost our daughter Jessica at age 26 Feb 18, 2006 so I am long on this journey yet still walk with a broken heart and a mind that whispers my daughter's name each and every day.....For those so new to this journey it is hard to explain that the day will come when you shall live, laugh and love again, you will find a new life, a different life but a life where smiles will shine once again.....Right now you are much too soon on this journey to even think about anything but your grief so we are here, always here to listen, talk, cry with you, walk you through one baby step at a time the best way we know how.....Bless you and come share as much as you can when you can

Susan - I am so sad for you missing your Shannon .... I do not know HOW we do this but we do don't we...climb one hill and roll back back down, get up and try all over again...we can only ask so much of ourselves yet rest does not come easy.....hugging you

Greg - what a beautiful picture.....beautiful sun rays from Heaven above....

Trudi - great pics and I love your little shinning tree and I know that your Micheal is enjoying it....

DECIDED TO JOIN IN AND SEND ORANGE TO YOU LORRI FOR YOUR BEAUTIFUL KOURTNEY - HUGGING YOU TIGHT

Tavian had a wonderful day in the city and a very tired boy tonight -- I said "so how was the museum" and he replied "pretty cool but there was sure alot of naked statues there" !!! gave me a good laugh which I cherish..... Peace, love and strength to each and every one of my friends here....no matter where we are in this world, miles apart or just around the corner you are always in my thoughts and heart and I cherish all that we share here....I am blessed to have each of you - Kathy

[ericasmom]

LORRI, here is some ORANGE For you today.

Greg, what complete majesty. Lovely.

Susan, I read your post earlier and did not tell you that I cried when you kept getting signs from your Angel at the malls. Oh I do think that Shannon was letting you know that she is with you...at Ulta, so cool, and while unnerving at times, those are also the magical connections that make me smile. I love that the lady wanted to hug you, it was all she could do to let you know that she wished you well, and boy, we get that as we all give you a hug for your trip to the mall to try to get gifts for Ragan. Those firsts! so hard.

How is husband dealing with your grief these days?

Kathy,we take the whole third grade, 106 kids this year, to the Art Institute of Chicago each January and we give talks to them before hand to let them know what we expect from them when we see naked statues and paintings. We tell them that we know it feels a bit funny, but that is art so we can not point or snicker at all. It makes me smile to think of Tav saying that to you, it pays for we teachers to talk about it a few times in the days leading up to the trip so that there are no surprises.

Good night all,

peaceful sleep if possible

[Susie_q512]

Angela - I feel the exact same way. I believe we all do. We would take nothing for their lives, but would give everything for their lives. I hate that we have no power to change what has happened to our children, and what is now happening to us as we try to live in this world without them. We grasp and cling to anything that gives us the hope and belief that they are still with us, interacting with us, loving us. I've always believed this to be true, but now I find that this belief is firmly rooted within me and is unmovable. If anyone threatens this belief, I become a fierce warrior prepared to fight the enemy of doubt and discouragement. I guard this belief sacredly. Until we are reunited with them, this is what we have to give us hope and comfort. I call it "Mercy Gifts from God". Hold on tightly to your Mercy Gift. Char is with you,surrounding you with her sweet spirit, and she is accompanied by Angels from on High. My heart is hugging you and wrapping you in love and understanding.

Susannah - I am so sorry to hear of Lydia's passing. I will be praying for her family and friends, but especially for her children.

Becky - Yet another beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing it with us.

Kate - I know this time of year is very difficult for you. Holding you close and sending much love.

Colleen - Brain crosses my mind often when I am thinking of Shannon and the accident that claimed her life. Not sure why it happens, but it leads me to thinking of you. You have no idea how many spiritual hugs are sent your way.....maybe he knows you need them?

Dee - Are you on Christmas Break yet, or still doing the countdown? I love to read of your walks and where they lead you spiritually...very special moments indeed.

Beautiful pictures posted. Thanks to all who meet here and help those of us new to this process. As always, my heart and thoughts are bound to each of you. Praying for some peace and rest for our weary souls this night....I sure need it.

[robyn]

I was amazed at the picture of the sun that is posted. I'm posting the pic we took the morning of Nov 27, when we took Chrissy's ashes to her beach and sent her on her way. The weather had been threatening all the previous day and we thought it was going to be cold and rainy and dreary. But it wasn't. It was 77 and perfect. We went out to the edge at dawn, which was when she would do her devotions. The tide was just coming in. A small perfect little wave came in and took her away. We have shells we all picked up there, and we have decided to go back every year at this time.

It's 4 weeks today.

[mikesmum]

Lorri ~ I have the same problem with colouration of the font. Did message Eric who said highlight the text then click the little paint brush thingy....didn't work.

So here's how I colour my world

Click the little paint brush thingy and you should get a 'coding' in two sets of brackets. [colour etc]*[colour etc]. Put your cursor between the two sets of brackets. I used a * where the cursor should be. Then type.

Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney, Kourtney.

Hope this works. You can do the same for Fonts and size. These doesn't work for me either.

[Guest msnher]

Guns are now prohibited in public meetings. I'm sure glad they figured that out. Maybe the topic of the next meeting will be if it's okay to smoke and put gas in a vehicle with the engine running. Wyoming's tax dollars at work.

There are new faces. I see you. I'm sorry you have reason to be here. I'm glad you found us. I don't seem to have the wherewithall to comment individually right now. Please continue to post and tell us about your children.

I have an irrational sense of impending doom lingering around me lately. It could be Lydia's death that has brought the dark cloud. I dealt with it yesterday by retreating to my bed all day. That doesn't work when you have a housefull of children and Christmas is just a few days away.

Lydia's death has sparked outrage among her friends. I'm reading the posts of her friends on facebook and I am scared for them. They are literally trying to find someone to do harm to the driver and other passenger in the car. Apparently, they were all drunk. The driver lost control of the vehicle and it rolled. Lydia was thrown and died from internal, chest injuries. The accident occured about 1am and the driver and other passenger fled the scene. At about 7am someone saw the wreck and called it in. Lydia was found about 7:30am. I have so many conflicting emotions. I am worried for the vigilante growing among her friends. It's just so sad.

[shorty16]

To my Indigo Pals

I am asking for prayers today for Zeth Thomas Johnson's family. He was 11 years old. He had recently got braces and was in alot of pain; however, he did not voice to his parents how much pain he was in. He went to the medicine cabinet and took some pain killers and never woke up the next morning.

I work with his grandmother and I am attending the funeral tomorrow.

This family lost their father 8 years ago and have a surviving 13 year old son who is having a very difficult time (I can relate).

Please pray for them.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[briansdad]

Here is an interesting article I read this morning. I believe all of us have had something happen.It looks like it's more common than I thought.

Kathy's late husband, Dr. Lee Lipsenthal, wrote a book about dying called Enjoy Every Sandwich: Living Each Day As Though it Were Your Last, published last month by Random House ($22.)

My husband Lee Lipsenthal didn't believe in coincidences. Instead, he believed in synchronicity -- what Carl Jung called the "coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer."

Whenever I'd remark on the coincidence that a patient I'd been concerned about showed up in my clinic or that a friend I'd just been thinking about called me out of the blue, Lee would smile knowingly. "Is it really a coincidence?" he'd ask. "Or is it synchronicity?"

I was always the scientist, wanting to see physical proof before believing in something that I couldn't explain logically, but Lee was always able to trust in things he couldn't prove. Not only did Lee believe in synchronicity, but he also believed in signs, past-lives, and the power of dreams.

In fact, he told me many years after we were married that before we ever met he had a dream in which he was standing at a wedding altar next to an Asian woman with long, dark hair. On the first day of medical school, as soon as I walked into the hall for orientation, he had recognized me as the woman from that dream. (Never mind, of course, that I had a boyfriend at the time and wasn't all that interested in the nervous guy from New Jersey who was my academic competition.) But he believed in that vision so powerfully that he waited patiently for me; it was a year before we kissed. And then, before beginning our third year of school, we were married.

Was Lee's dream and my attending that particular med school merely coincidental? Or were they synchronous events? I was never entirely sure. I just didn't believe the way he did.

Lee had always been intuitive; he always seemed to know things before they happened. It was an aspect of him I'd attributed to his meditation -- being tapped into something larger -- and that I'd appreciated and even embraced. But when he began to explore past life regression, I thought that my stable physician husband, the medical director of a research institute, was losing it.

I tried to understand. I read Brian Weiss's Many Lives, Many Masters, about Weiss's experience with a patient and her past-life regression. I listened as Lee patiently taught me about Carl Jung, Stanislav Grof, and many other psychotherapists who have written much about spiritual crises. I learned that many people going through difficult moments in their lives had spiritual awakenings, some of which included past lives but all of which included the awareness of the "bigness" of the universe. But was I a true believer? Not exactly.

Then Lee passed away from esophageal cancer in September. My son and I wept in the car as we left the hospital. The car stereo was tuned to NPR, and the hum of freeway traffic added another layer of sound. Through the veil of our shared misery, we suddenly became aware that there was another sound emanating from my purse on the floor of the passenger side of the car.

I reached in and pulled out Lee's iPod. It had turned on spontaneously--and as most of you who own these ingenious electronic Apple devices are aware, it is not easy to accidentally turn on an iPod. The song playing was Heaven Weeps. Just a few weeks earlier, Lee had mentioned out of the blue how much he liked that quirky song. I told my son the story, and he just smiled, shook his head and said, "Oh, Dad!"

When we had been told the devastating news that the Lee's cancer had metastasized and that there were no curative options, I tearfully asked if he could send me a sign when he died. Was this it? I still wasn't sure.

It makes sense that I felt Lee then, as Jung noted that synchronicity is more likely to occur when we are in a highly charged state of emotional and mental awareness. That's why times of trauma or turbulence -- as with a death or birth -- can push us towards openness and vulnerability. We're also more likely to experience synchronicity when we are in a receptive mindful state, as is the result of meditation.

It turns out that I was not the only one who had had visits from Lee. His publisher told me how the lights in her hotel room flickered on and off when she came out to California for Lee's memorial celebration. Lee's long-time colleague was conducting a workshop in Italy in his stead, and when she turned on her computer to begin her Powerpoint presentation, a photo of Lee popped up on her computer screen. She hadn't looked at that photo in years, and it had never been her screensaver.

Could this really have been my Lee trying to tell everyone he was all right? Was he having a little fun with us from beyond?

Although I profess to be a skeptic, I am also open-minded, and I truly, desperately want to believe that there is something out there greater than all of us. I want to believe that after death our soul/spirit will continue on, that there are more journeys for us, and with each journey, more lessons for us to learn. I find myself asking -- as the Peggy Lee song goes -- "Is that all there is? Is that all there is, my friend?" I want to feel hopeful throughout my life and into death.

Lee was the love of my life, and I miss him every day. These signs have been a huge part of helping me heal. Is it wishful thinking on my part? Maybe. But I'd like to believe that Lee is letting me know that he's out there watching and waiting for me.

The thought lifts me up at times of despair and grief. Since his passing, I've been practicing meditation more, and learning to be more open and present in the moment.

After all, just in case that is Lee, I don't want to miss any of the signs as they appear.

For more information and to read an excerpt from her husband's book, please see www.enjoyeverysandwich.net

[briansdad]

Heard this today.I've never been a country music lover but since Brian died they have more songs that describe my feelings than any other style of music.

[Jeff's Mom]

Here is an interesting article I read this morning. I believe all of us have had something happen.It looks like it's more common than I thought.

Kathy's late husband, Dr. Lee Lipsenthal, wrote a book about dying called Enjoy Every Sandwich: Living Each Day As Though it Were Your Last, published last month by Random House ($22.)

My husband Lee Lipsenthal didn't believe in coincidences. Instead, he believed in synchronicity -- what Carl Jung called the "coming together of inner and outer events in a way that cannot be explained by cause and effect and that is meaningful to the observer."

Whenever I'd remark on the coincidence that a patient I'd been concerned about showed up in my clinic or that a friend I'd just been thinking about called me out of the blue, Lee would smile knowingly. "Is it really a coincidence?" he'd ask. "Or is it synchronicity?"

I was always the scientist, wanting to see physical proof before believing in something that I couldn't explain logically, but Lee was always able to trust in things he couldn't prove. Not only did Lee believe in synchronicity, but he also believed in signs, past-lives, and the power of dreams.

In fact, he told me many years after we were married that before we ever met he had a dream in which he was standing at a wedding altar next to an Asian woman with long, dark hair. On the first day of medical school, as soon as I walked into the hall for orientation, he had recognized me as the woman from that dream. (Never mind, of course, that I had a boyfriend at the time and wasn't all that interested in the nervous guy from New Jersey who was my academic competition.) But he believed in that vision so powerfully that he waited patiently for me; it was a year before we kissed. And then, before beginning our third year of school, we were married.

Was Lee's dream and my attending that particular med school merely coincidental? Or were they synchronous events? I was never entirely sure. I just didn't believe the way he did.

Lee had always been intuitive; he always seemed to know things before they happened. It was an aspect of him I'd attributed to his meditation -- being tapped into something larger -- and that I'd appreciated and even embraced. But when he began to explore past life regression, I thought that my stable physician husband, the medical director of a research institute, was losing it.

I tried to understand. I read Brian Weiss's Many Lives, Many Masters, about Weiss's experience with a patient and her past-life regression. I listened as Lee patiently taught me about Carl Jung, Stanislav Grof, and many other psychotherapists who have written much about spiritual crises. I learned that many people going through difficult moments in their lives had spiritual awakenings, some of which included past lives but all of which included the awareness of the "bigness" of the universe. But was I a true believer? Not exactly.

Then Lee passed away from esophageal cancer in September. My son and I wept in the car as we left the hospital. The car stereo was tuned to NPR, and the hum of freeway traffic added another layer of sound. Through the veil of our shared misery, we suddenly became aware that there was another sound emanating from my purse on the floor of the passenger side of the car.

I reached in and pulled out Lee's iPod. It had turned on spontaneously--and as most of you who own these ingenious electronic Apple devices are aware, it is not easy to accidentally turn on an iPod. The song playing was Heaven Weeps. Just a few weeks earlier, Lee had mentioned out of the blue how much he liked that quirky song. I told my son the story, and he just smiled, shook his head and said, "Oh, Dad!"

When we had been told the devastating news that the Lee's cancer had metastasized and that there were no curative options, I tearfully asked if he could send me a sign when he died. Was this it? I still wasn't sure.

It makes sense that I felt Lee then, as Jung noted that synchronicity is more likely to occur when we are in a highly charged state of emotional and mental awareness. That's why times of trauma or turbulence -- as with a death or birth -- can push us towards openness and vulnerability. We're also more likely to experience synchronicity when we are in a receptive mindful state, as is the result of meditation.

It turns out that I was not the only one who had had visits from Lee. His publisher told me how the lights in her hotel room flickered on and off when she came out to California for Lee's memorial celebration. Lee's long-time colleague was conducting a workshop in Italy in his stead, and when she turned on her computer to begin her Powerpoint presentation, a photo of Lee popped up on her computer screen. She hadn't looked at that photo in years, and it had never been her screensaver.

Could this really have been my Lee trying to tell everyone he was all right? Was he having a little fun with us from beyond?

Although I profess to be a skeptic, I am also open-minded, and I truly, desperately want to believe that there is something out there greater than all of us. I want to believe that after death our soul/spirit will continue on, that there are more journeys for us, and with each journey, more lessons for us to learn. I find myself asking -- as the Peggy Lee song goes -- "Is that all there is? Is that all there is, my friend?" I want to feel hopeful throughout my life and into death.

Lee was the love of my life, and I miss him every day. These signs have been a huge part of helping me heal. Is it wishful thinking on my part? Maybe. But I'd like to believe that Lee is letting me know that he's out there watching and waiting for me.

The thought lifts me up at times of despair and grief. Since his passing, I've been practicing meditation more, and learning to be more open and present in the moment.

After all, just in case that is Lee, I don't want to miss any of the signs as they appear.

For more information and to read an excerpt from her husband's book, please see www.enjoyeverysandwich.net

Don't even get me started on signs. I've had so much happen in my lifetime that I cannot explain that I'm sure I'd be institutionalized had I told anyone. After Jeff died we were flooded with signs of his presence. I feel that as his death was so unexpected and tragic that even he woke up into this new existence not expecting that it would actually happen to him. He pushed it alright and succeeded. I think he may have felt we would have found him in time. I just will never know. I wonder if he lingered watching us because he was afraid to go, or if he felt so badly at how much pain he had inflicted on us by his actions. We will never know.

But this I'm sure of...a stereo that would light up like the panel of an airplane. EVEN after we unplugged it! The lights kept dancing all over the place. Foot steps on the deck in the middle of the night and our dog wagging her tail and sittting looking at someone as happy as she could be. The scent of his cologne filling the house or the car.

The touch of a hand on my shoulder as I walked into our bathroom in the middle of the night. Turning to see who was there and nobody around me. Things disappearing and suddenly showing up placed in the middle of our bed. Signs all around his memorial site. A pail we hid behind a tree to fill with water for the garden we had planted overlooking the lake. Suddenly on several occasions the pail showed up filled to the brim. We were in a drought. We had no rain. This was a forested and wooded area overlooking the lake that is uninhabited. And it goes on and on. Do I believe? You bet I do! I've seen too much not to. I know this is only a transition to another life. Our children are not dead. And we will join them too one day.

[lolynbo]

MISSING YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS KOURTNEY LYNN....WELL HOT DAMN LOOK AT THAT...LOOK AT ME KOURTNEY MOMMAS ORANGE AGAIN...THANK GIRL FOR TELLN ME HOW TO FINALLY DO IT AGAIN....

WELL WENT TO MOTORCYCLE MEETING LAST NIGHT TO PASS OUT THE TSHIRTS...WHAT A GREAT BUNCH OF BURLY GUYS....KOURTNEYS KLOSET PATCHES ON THEIR JACKETS AND WEARING GREY IN MAY...WOWWWIE...

A FRIEND OF MINE JUST FOUND OUT HER 19 YR OLD NEPHEW OR 21ISH HAS LUKEMIA.... RUFF ROAD FOR THEM.....WHEN WILL THIS CANCER GO BACK TO HELL WHERE IT CAME FROM...ENOUGH ALREADY..

HOPE EVERYONE HAS A BLESSED DAY...TODAY IS KIMMYS 28TH BIRTHDAY WHERE DID THE TIME GO....ITS DEPRESSING IT FLASHES BY SO FAST..

[Jeff's Mom]

To my Indigo Pals

I am asking for prayers today for Zeth Thomas Johnson's family. He was 11 years old. He had recently got braces and was in alot of pain; however, he did not voice to his parents how much pain he was in. He went to the medicine cabinet and took some pain killers and never woke up the next morning.

I work with his grandmother and I am attending the funeral tomorrow.

This family lost their father 8 years ago and have a surviving 13 year old son who is having a very difficult time (I can relate).

Please pray for them.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen..I am so, so sorry to read about this young man. His parents must be in total devastation. I know too well the shock and utter disbelief that they are experiencing. I will definitely keep them in my prayers and I will be thing of all of you tomorrow.

And yes, I am having a horrible time right now. Let this be a lesson to anyone thinking of doing anything stupid. Look at the pain it brings to those left behind. Is this how you want to be remembered?

Kate

[hoosiermom]

Signs....

Brianna LOVED her Barney videos. I even had Barney put on her stone. Anyone who knew my little girl, knew how much she loved to watch Barney.

Two weeks after she passed, my youngest daughter Brandi walked up to the convenience store with her friend. I live in a very small town, not even a stop light on Main Street. Brandi's friend just happened to look down and found a small plastic Barney on the ground. What are the odds? Barney--of all things! They immediately brought it home to me and I put it on Brianna's shelf with her angels. I told Brandi--some people get pennies from Heaven, looks like we get Barneys from Heaven!

About this same time, I dreamed of her, that I took her to speech therapy to prove to everyone that she no longer needed their services, that she could talk now. The therapists quizzed her, asking what her families' names were, and she named us all one by one. I feel that was her way of saying--I know who my family is, I've always known. Love my baby girl

Also, don't know that this counts as a sign, but my oldest nephew was home on leave from the Army when Brianna passed, and he served as pallbearer for her. I often jokingly refer to him as my firstborn, because he spent so much time at my house growing up. He and my oldest daughter are like brother and sister, they are so close. And he would make silly noises at Brianna to make her laugh when she was little. She just loved him. Anyway, his first baby (my sister's first grandchild) was born on Brianna's birthday She passed in July and he was born on her 16th birthday in September. Again--what are the odds?

I believe!

[Susie_q512]

Brian's Dad - Enjoyed the article and song that you posted. Although I listen to many genres of music, including country, I had not heard that song yet. A very popular song by the band Perry called "If I Die Young" was always playing on the radio in the months before Shannon was killed. Both my girls loved it. Whenever Shannon and I were in the car together and that song came on, she would turn it up and sing along. She had a beautiful voice, and I so miss hearing that sweet voice singing. Even now, if that song comes on, I turn it up and imagine the sound of her voice singing along. It's not easy to listen to it, but I never change the station when it plays.

Susannah - I had been wondering how the news of Lydia's passing was effecting you. There's no way not to be tangled in emotions. Sad that people are vengeful, but I can understand their anger towards those that fled the scene and left Lydia alone. They cared more about themselves in that moment than they did for Lydia and those who cared for her. It's shameful and so very selfish....so sad. A similar thing happened with an old friend of mine. He and a few others were partying, using drugs and drinking. He overdosed. His "friends" put him in a tub of cold water and ice to shock his body into conscientiousness, then they fled. No calling a family member or paramedics. They cared only for themselves and keeping themselves out of trouble. My old friend died alone in that tub of icy water. We will never know if he may have been saved had they just made a phone call. In times of crisis, the true inner character and nature of individuals is revealed. I am so very saddened that Lydia was left alone without any show of love, concern or compassion.

Colleen - Praying for Zeth's family....so tragic.

[robyn]

Brian,

Thank you for the beautiful song.

Four weeks ago, today, we were sitting around at Chrissy's house mired in the deepest darkest pain and numbness that no one could ever understand who hasn't lost a child. We were wondering "what do we do now?", and I wondered if God would be so unkind as to not take me too.

A new friend directed me to a passage in the Bible. I have read the story of Joseph, as I am sure we all have, but I had never paid much attention to what it might mean, ultimately. As Joseph faces his brothers after Jacob dies, he says "You meant to do evil, but God meant it for good". Our insight is limited, given our mortal and limited minds, and it is hard to see God's purpose when He allows such pain into our lives. Just like Joseph, being taken off to Egypt in chains, we cannot see what the purpose of our pain might be. Joseph never doubted God- I wish I could say the same. But I will try to go on and trust that He is directing me to where He wants me to go and that, in the end, I will see what His plan was all along. Just as Chrissy would always ask me- "What is He trying to tell you?", or "What does He want you to learn?"

[ericasmom]

Col, what sadness for you and for the family. Oh the prayers I am sending surround that 13 year old sibling who already had lost so much...and the MOM, how will she deal with so great a loss? I am so sorry.

Greg, loved that article very much. I have more to say on that subject, just too busy right now but will later. Thanks for sharing.

And may you have a Barney kind of day Jenn.

Glad to see you posting in ORANGE Lorri.

[westleysmom]

Robyn-Thinking of you as you still count the days. My son Westley died in his sleep, although he had been drinking some and had taken a prescription painkiller, so it wasn't as much of a mystery as your Chrissy. I do not understand God's plan at all. I still question why all the time. My faith has taken quite a beating along with the rest of me in the almost two years since I got that terrible phone call. Love the picture of your angel and her baby. .

Colleen-Such a tragedy. I'm so sorry for the family and their loss. I know when we hear of someone else going through the darkest days of their lives, it seems that our lives are dark again as well, if they are ever not. I'm sure the services will be hard to attend and will be thinking of you and all who go to it.

Greg-That is a beautiful picture. Thanks for the song. How is Alyssa? I hope she is doing okay and that you will get to spend some time with her this Christmas.

Kate-This is such a hard time of year, and I'm afraid it always will be. Thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay.

[lolynbo]

WELL HELL I ALMOST MADE IT, CHRISTMAS CARDS I HAVE RECIEVED WAS NORMAL CHRISTMAS CARDS...TIL TODAY HAPPY FAMILY PIC OF ONE....GGZZ RIPPED UP AND TRASHED

[robyn]

Robyn-Thinking of you as you still count the days. My son Westley died in his sleep, although he had been drinking some and had taken a prescription painkiller, so it wasn't as much of a mystery as your Chrissy. I do not understand God's plan at all. I still question why all the time. My faith has taken quite a beating along with the rest of me in the almost two years since I got that terrible phone call. Love the picture of your angel and her baby. .

Colleen-Such a tragedy. I'm so sorry for the family and their loss. I know when we hear of someone else going through the darkest days of their lives, it seems that our lives are dark again as well, if they are ever not. I'm sure the services will be hard to attend and will be thinking of you and all who go to it.

Greg-That is a beautiful picture. Thanks for the song. How is Alyssa? I hope she is doing okay and that you will get to spend some time with her this Christmas.

Kate-This is such a hard time of year, and I'm afraid it always will be. Thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay.

Isn't she beautiful? Can you see the kindness shining out from her eyes? She never met anyone that she couldn't find some good in.

[Jeff's Mom]

Isn't she beautiful? Can you see the kindness shining out from her eyes? She never met anyone that she couldn't find some good in.

Robyn...she really is lovely.The beauty of her spirit shines through. And now maybe the goodness is being returned to her.

[mikesmomrs]

Just checking in to say hello to all, and that you are all in my prayers and thoughts, as always. I am sorry I haven't been on much, but have been reading when I can. Things have been so topsy turvy this past week-week and a half with Mike's treatment. I think I told you all that they don't think he is strong enough to do the initial heavy dose of chemotherapy (the six week one) and are going to do the radiation/lesser chemo which is 5 weeks. Well we have all been going back and forth (The Dartmouth hospital, where they will do the surgery, and the local hospital, where they will do the radiation). After MANY phone calls back and forth over the last few days, it has finally been determined that he will meet with the oncologist here locally on Monday after Christmas, then do the "mapping" for the radiation therapy the following Monday and then begin the treatment on that Friday, Jan 5. Meantime he had to go back to his PCP tomorrow for a check up on the blood pressure problem. He has not taken any high blood pressure meds since he got out of the hospital, and tomorrow we will see if there has been any problem with that. He has been doing okay, feeling okay, though is still kind of weak. Getting him to eat is an every other hour ordeal. He doesn't eat much when he does eat, and they want him to eat every 2 hours or so, to keep his strength and weight up. All of his life he has been one to say "Boy, I wish I could be one of those people who could eat anything and not gain weight." My mom always used to say "Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." Ironic, isn't it.

I have been trying to do the house for Christmas, and though initially I set out to do very little, as I brought out the boxes, and the items came out, the memories flowed, the tears flowed, and my heart felt as though it stopped so many times during the unwrapping and deciding which to put out and which to just leave. So, most everything came out. The tree is finally done. The picture tree (with the pics of all of our kids and their kids on it) is done. Mike's tree is up and the boys will add their own notes to their dad this weekend. I will post some pics of the trees. Taking out the tree ornaments, many, many memories flooded my mind and squeezed my heart. The past, with young Mike, floods through my brain and into my heart, and then the future, with its uncertainty floors me. I came across the box of our (hubby's and mine) Christmas cards to each other over the years...47 sets of cards, from me to hubby and hubby to me. April will be 48 years. Where did the time go? Will we make it to that one? When those thoughts come, and they do, I have to use my strongest focus to keep me in the present, reminding myself that we never know how things are going to go, and all we can do is go from day to day and keep our faith in God, and our love for each other front and center as we meet each day's challenges, all three of us, together.

I am so very sorry to hear about the recent deaths in Susannah and Lorri's areas. So very tragic. More families involved in pain and a new road to travel. My heart aches so for all of them.

I know that as Christmas day draws nearer, we all have those feelings of longing in our bones for our precious children, to have them by our side once more, to look into their face and say "Hey, how's it going for you?" At these times it is so important to try to bring the memories that we have stored in our hearts to the fore, to give us strength to go through this season and come out the other side "still in one piece." Those of you new to this life can come here and talk, release some of your emotions, tell us about your beautiful child, share those memories, just as those of us here longer still do. I know that sometimes we think that we are crazy in some of the thoughts we have, but coming here, reading and posting, we find that our thoughts and actions are not crazy. We are not crazy. We are grieving parents, who are living in a different world than we ever expected.

Greg: When you wrote that when you looked at Brian, you expected him to jump up from the stretcher and yell "psyche!" Greg, those were my exact thoughts as I watched them wheel our only son's body out of our house for the last time, ever. They stopped in front of me on the way out, having gently asked earlier if we wanted the bag to be open or closed as they took him out....Sarah (his wife) and I had both answered at the same time "Open." I just couldn't bear the thought of him being closed up in a bag. As I stood there, looking at Mike's face, looking like he was just sleeping, my thoughts froze. Mr. Peltzar, the funeral director, and his son, Michael waited patiently as we took our last moments with our son/brother/husband, and then Mr. Peltzar said "We will be careful with him; he will be treated with dignity." I had just sat with my son, holding his hand as the life left him, holding his hand long after he had taken his last breath, until they came to ask if I was ready for them to prepare him to leave. Now, standing over him, knowing he would never again fill our front door with his huge presence, all I could think of was that he was going to jump off that gurney and yell "psyche!" Mike loved dark humor (I think he knew every line of the movie "Beetle Juice") and he loved it when he could pull something over on someone. But I knew I was never going to hear that "psyche!" again. And my heart felt as though it stopped, yet I walked out the door behind them, watched them carefully take him down over the steps, down the driveway. Mr. Peltzar stood by Mike, while Michael went around and opened the doors. I watched as they slid the gurney into the van, watched as the doors closed and the men got back in to the front seats, the soft interior light of the van going out as they closed their doors. The headlights and taillights came on as the van started to roll, and I watched in the dark as the van slowly moved out of the driveway onto the street, the headlights seeming to slice into the darkness as they moved forward and I watched as the taillights flickered through the now leafless trees along the street, and they got smaller and smaller, until the van turned the corner and I could see them no longer. I stood there, shivering. Me, who normally welcomes the chill of the night whenever I am overheated in the house, stood there on the porch, shivering, teeth chattering. My son was dead. I wanted to be there, with him.

So very sorry for the dark thoughts. It's just where my brain is right now...swirling through darkness and light and back to darkness again. And I know that I can come here and talk about it, because everyone hear understands that when I say "My son died, five years ago," it doesn't mean that I am "over it." I am so grateful for the gift of this site.

[mikesmomrs]

Forgot to say, Robyn, your Chrissy is just beautiful. I am so very sorry. Thank you so much for coming here and sharing her with us.

Lorri: Orange print again...YAY! Happy birthday Kimberly!

Susan: I hope that you and Ragan are a comfort to each other during this first Christmas without your precious daughter, and her sister, Shannon.

Susannah: I loved what Mariah said about Santa..."I just saw Mrs. Claus." (at least I hope it was Mariah...maybe it was Jasmine?)

Here are the pics of our small trees. We have the big one up also, but it is a fake one this year. The love in it is real, though (and the tears), and the memories are also. I also put up the "It's a Wonderful Life" village for Mike...he loved that movie, watched it at least 2-3 times every Christmas. We had given this set to Mike, but we have them now. We also did the shelves, Jamie helped me start this and I finally finished it today.

The shelves: the picture in the middle is done in needlework, by my sister, Dorothy. She also made the Santas beside the picture. The Nativity on the middle shelf, with the red behind it: the "structure" behind the figures is the word HOPE. The little music box beside Mike's urn, on the next to the bottom shelf, middle, is one he had as a child...it plays his favorite song at the time: "Music Box Dancer." The white Nativity on the middle shelf right, in front of the red background, is one that my friend Rita gave to me for my birthday, before she died of breast cancer in 2008. Some of you already know that the car, bottom right, is a red convertible punch buggy, found at a last minute shopping trip of Trudi, myself, and Marcia, on the last day of our meeting in Minnesota. I remember when I found it, I showed it to Marcia and said "But, I really don't have any place to put it." Marcia said "Yes, you do." And I did.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Modified

[lolynbo]

IM SLOW BUT JUST REALIZED A FB FRIEND IS BURING HER 2 SON TODAY SOUNDS LIKE A HOMICIDE SHE LOST HER OLDEST SON NOT TO LONG AGO. I ASK FIR PRAYERS FOR HER. HER LAST NAME IS CID. WE MAY NOT NO HER BUT GOD KNOWS WHO WERE PRAYING FOR.

NO ORANGE FROM PHONE.

[lolynbo]

Hi Group,

Didn't want you to think I was gone, as I have been keeping up with reading your posts. I love the song about heaven, and all your pictures.

The night before last, I finally got the opportunity to do something I had been wanting to do for a while now, and that is to return to the scene of the accident, where myself and my husband, my daughter and her boyfriend, all went at about 12am. It isn't safe to try to be or do anything on this road during the earilier evening hours. We marked the road every 25 feet backwards from the Reference Point the police had marked on the road. This is the point they believe Jared was hit. We went all the way back and marked the road to a distance of 650 feet from the impact point. We then had my daughter's boyfriend, who is almost as tall as Jared was, dress similarly to what we were told Jared had on, and stand in 3 different spots on the road while we took pictures of each point in low beams and high beams. It was exhausting and nerve wracking to just get the pictures. We took 164 pictures in all.

We got back home at about 1am, and after spending some time talking, the rest of the family went to bed, and I stayed up all night to carefully print out thumbnails of the pictures, which have the exact date and time they were taken, and a chart created to indicate the distances. There will be 6 different scenarios that can be gleaned from these pictures, and I stayed up all night, and worked until about 1pm the following day, completing just one. I have kept every tidbit of information regarding statistics in pedestrian deaths, braking times for the particular vehicle involved, inattentive driving statistics, and all of these facts were made into slides that were interwoven into the resulting slide presentation.

You probably think I have gone off the deep end, but I am retired from the Dept of Corrections, and am very detail oriented as a result, and I have been working on computers, and software programs for quite a while too. The whole time I was spending time down at my parent's house lending a hand while they were in need, it was driving me crazy, as I had this on my mind that I felt compelled to do. I am not sure it will change anything as far as the ongoing investigation, or if it can be used to convince them that the driver should have seen SOMETHING, but I had to try.

I am keeping the 1st slideshow under wraps for right now, but eventually, even if nothing else comes of it, I hope to be able to use it as a means to warn drivers and pedestrians about road safety. I did send the first scenario to the police detective that is stil investigating. Don't know how it will be received. I imagine that I am turning his hair grey. I just can't be complacent. I can't accept what they just want to assume to be what happened.

I rested pretty well last night, and probably will try to start on a 2nd scenario today, and perhaps it will get easier as it goes. Very time consuming and tedious, but I hope worth it.

Pray for me.

[lolynbo]

Well I'm very proud of you. We have to do what we have to to keep us going and fighting. You go girl