Loss of an Adult Child

[Chris Mom]

I just want to scream!!!!!! I hate the disease of addiction. It took my son away. Damn that demon heroin. That is what it is. I miss my son so much. I can't stand it. I am lost everyday without him. My best friend is gone. I just want to scream...

[hoosiermom]

Rhonda.....what a handsome boy, brings tears to my eyes for you.....thanks for sharing

[mikesmum]

Here is the picture of the Christmas decorations at the cemetery. That's a sentence I never thought I'd write

Rhonda ~ There is so much we never thought we would do or write but its where we are now. Love pics. Handsome young man with great looking parents.

Barb ~ Heroin and addiction take so much from the addict and their families. While I lost Mike to an overdose of prescription meds, I was blessed to be given back his younger brother an addict for a number of years.

To the Newbies ~ The rawness of your grief leaps of the page. There are no words.

On the subject of 'last' pictures ~ This is our last Christmas. Rhonda like you we had been blessed the weeks before with a new grand daughter. I was lucky enough to snap pics of Mike with Jeya.

As I type I look across at a pic taken in MN 2009. Its framed with the words

"We will be an encouragment to each other" A gift from Marcia, Bethany's mum.

[sadmomm]

Actions and Beliefs

If the way you live isn't consistent with what you believe

then it's wrong

We must do our best to make sure that our actions are accurate reflections of our beliefs

Our theology must manifest itself not ony in our words but,

more importantly in our actions.

In short, we would be practical people, quick to act upon the beliefs we hold most dear

We can proclaim our beliefs to our hearts content, but our proclamations will mean nothing-to others or to ourselves-unless we accompany our words with deeds that march. The sermons we live are far more compelling than the ones we preach.

Like it or not, your life is a reflection of your creed. If this fact gives you cause for concern, don't bather talking about the changes that you intend to make-just make them, starting today.

"I don't care what a man says he believes with his lips. I want to know with a vengeance what he says with his life and his actions"

Why didn't I listen to my sweetheart Morgan. Carrie

[RonnieAlt]

I just want to scream!!!!!! I hate the disease of addiction. It took my son away. Damn that demon heroin. That is what it is. I miss my son so much. I can't stand it. I am lost everyday without him. My best friend is gone. I just want to scream...

I HATE HEROIN TOO!!! It stole my daughter Cherry Lynn from me and our family. Heroin is evil, from hell and it gets it's hooks in our children and they cannot break free. My daughter was also treated like sh%t when she tried to get help many times at the hospital ERs after overdosing, and stays in ICU several times for endocarditis. I know because I was by her side and ended up telling a few people off. A lot of nurses and doctors judged her, treated her like she was not worth their time, ignored what she said or questions she asked. I cannot believe trained medical people could be so cruel to someone with the disease of addiction! Heroin has a stigma attached to it, if it was alcohol, then OK, the staff is very understanding, but not so with this drug.

I HATE HEROIN!! Damn sh%t from hell. I pray no other parent has to go through this kind of hell with their child. My heart is so broken for you Barb, hugs from another mom suffering the same way...Go ahead and SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! Take a drive in your car, find some "F-off" Godsmack or Disturbed, loud music and SCREAM.

[Jeff's Mom]

Carol...if you are checking this site tonight...I have been thinking of you and Ralph and wondering how he is doing today? Hope his condition is improving. I am sending much love and prayers your way. Ralph...you are not alone...you have a legion of people on your side. Hang in there.

[ericasmom]

Kate, was it you and your Husband that went to see the healing garden at the hospital? I read it and have had so little time to post, but now I am freed up some as the report cards will be going home tomorrow and mine are done and printed. HOORAY> Anyhow, the garden sounds lovely adn I pictured two people soundless and watching, just looking and absorbing the weight of what brought you there. I hold you as you face Jeff's 2nd anniversary of leaving and your second Christmas without him. I am sorry.

Barb and Ronnie, you are days apart in your losses and so similar of circumstances, certainly your Angels led you here to meet as though you are sisters on this path, joined through loss but eventually, led on by love and a sense of family here. I hate heroin too, lost some friends a long time ago to the drug but all drugs that can be used and prescribed haphazardly, as so many kids and adults are addicted to these as well. Such complete sadness you are feeling, as though you brain and heart and spirit are jumping around, unable to rest, unable to focus and unable to cope. You are not expected to find out how to cope at this early time, though you are doing it in order to do your daily work or deal with the family and the kids but coping long term will come with time, and it will involve a lot of work, grief is a lot of work. Some folks read everything they can get their hands on to help them understand what they are feeling, while others cannot read two sentences as focusing is impossible...we are all of us different where that is concerned but please hang on knowing that all of us on the road ahead of you are here, we are here for the long haul. You will one day laugh and you will one day make plans for something fun, but it is not now. Hang on.

Trudi, I love that photo of Mike, each time I see it I feel that somehow I was in the room with he and the others, his smile wrapped around the baby like a soft cuddly blanket.

Rhonda, I probably have told you this, but Westley looks a great deal like you. So handsome a boy with his Momma's eyes, I am sorry that the photos have your heart breaking, but sometimes we just have to look again and again. Sweet Boy, bless your Momma with a visit.

[summergirl]

Dee - as always you inspire me with your words....5 years I have been here and you have always had the words to lift me up, to see the light through the horrible darkness. You give so much of yourself to all here with the wisdom of your words and I am thankful you are in my life.

Trudi - I never tire of seeing that pic of your Micheal and baby, it takes my breath away each time I see it and I wonder of the possibilities that should have been, that should have been for all our children......I hold you close in my heart always my dear friend.

Carol - I am keeping you and Ralph in my prayers and hugging you tightly.

Ronnie and Barb - how my heart aches for both of you so new to this terrible journey of grief and pain....I know that it is so very hard to believe right now that the day will come when you will smile again, when you will learn to live a new kind of life ( My life now is "life after my Jessica"), you will NEVER EVER get OVER the pain of losing you child, it will NEVER get EASIER but it will get softer. Right now you are so lost, so alone even in a room full of people......Those of us so much further on this journey understand everything you are feeling...In the minutes, hours, days, months after Jessica left us I honestly believed I was going crazy, I took 5 weeks off of work and I completely remodeled the house, I painted every room, put in new floors, carpet, bought new furniture, I was a total maniac.....I wanted so much to just go to the cemetery and lay with my Jessica, to never leave her but I had a 4 year old who did not understand why his mommy was gone and so my grief was pushed down deep inside so that I could get him through what no 4 year old should have to deal with....then 3 months after Jessica left we started proceedings for full custody of Tavian, it took over a year but we got him and that was a miracle.....So my days were filled with taking care of Tavian and dealing with lawyers and judges but at night when all was quiet the grief hit me like a tsunami...I cried myself to sleep or I roamed the house looking for a sign of her.....I even spent days pretending she was in a farway land and could not get in touch with me but she would come home one day, I did what ever I could to get through each day and believe me sometimes it was a minute at a time. So now that I have taken up so much space here I will just tell you to hold tight, scream out loud, go to the beach and throw big rocks, cry, be angry, be sad, be whatever you need to be to get through each day but always come here as the day will come when you shall be guiding the new ones who join us here.....Prays and hugs to you

Yes, the candle lighting is on the 11th so please all light a candle for all of the children lost too soon.....

Peace, love and strength to all, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, don't know if you know how dear your words are, they touch my heart like you would not believe. Thank you, and thanks for reminding us of the candle lighting through that beautiful candle you showed last evening. And as you said, those new will one day be those helping lift up the next just as you do here, as we all do here. We wish it wasn't so, that others would need find a place such as this, but sadly, there will be more. Prayers then, for each Child we mourn and great thanks, for all that is good in our lives today.

Carol and Ralph, may this night be peaceful with no big excitements, just some solid sleep and healing.

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I am super, super tired tonight, and to hasten my notifying you that hubby extraordinaire is home, I will post the "update" that I did on his care pages website earlier today: (And thank you, to all of you for your constant support and understanding, and your just "being there."

Well, you just never know, do you? They never did come to get him for the port placement last night because surgery got so backed up that it became too late. They didn't put the IV back in last night because his labs had improved some and they were going to give him oral meds until this morning to see how things would go overnight, hopefully to a good place. They came to take blood at 6 pm and again at 6 am and this time they actually got it on the first try. Meantime, he was still without water or anything else since 6 last night. The doctor came in at 9 am this morning and said they couldn't get to the port placement today either because the operating room was booked up and they had another serious emergency come in. So, she said they were going to do a "central line." We asked for more info on the central line, which we were given for our consideration. (For those who wonder what it is, it is a placement of a tube/catheter under the skin--done under x-ray---and the tube is placed way into the vein by the neck and they can do blood draws, etc., but can only be used for 4-5 days).The doctor left to confer with the kidney doctor and came back in about 1/2 hour later, to tell us that the labs from last night and this morning have come back and show further improvement, including the anemia, which was of much concern earlier. (for anemia, lab result of 6 is transfusion time, 7 is "we'll wait and see," and anything higher than that is "seems like things are improving." Yesterday they were "borderline 7," with the border on the left side of 7, but this morning the reading on the anemia was 7.5. All of the other labs were also going in the right direction, with chemical imbalances being corrected along the way. Further "growing time" for the germ "recital" at the local petri dish scene proved that he didn't have active MRSA (he is a carrier), but a couple of other things which I can't remember, let alone spell, that are not contagious, and the antibiotics he's on now would take care of them. He was put back on solid food this morning because another study they wanted to do needs to be done in a different way---they are actually going to have him swallow a camera capsule, which will take pictures of the whole process of digestion---UGH--don't want to see THOSE pics, thank you very much. She said this needs to be done before he starts any chemo. This procedure will not be done until he is off the antibiotics, next week.

Meantime, she said, "I have conferred with your other doctors and if you would like to go home, we've decided that you can do so." YAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Once we got over that shock and asked a ton of questions, we had a lot of paperwork, instructions, follow up thingies to schedule, etc., but we were out of there in less than two hours, which is a good thing because I had run out of clean clothes.

I've got to say, it all seems so surreal. But, I also have to say that the many, many prayers and good thoughts sent out by all of you wonderful people have certainly been answered, and in a good way. Thank you, God, and thank you all! Just 24 hours ago, we didn't know WHERE this was going or if he would even get to do the chemo, etc., that he needs to do. And now, we are HOME!!! He's on five new medications, but, whatever it takes. So, I am SO glad to do this update, and while there are many rough roads ahead, we know that with all of you "with" us, we will make that journey with much love and care and prayers. Our love and thanks to all!

(Maybe the next time I update, hopefully won't need to until he goes to Dartmouth to start treatment, I will have learned the art of brevity---but don't count on it) :-)

PS: The "transportation person" who wheeled him to our van...his name was "Mike."

[westleysmom]

Carol-I hope you and Ralph have a restful night in your own bed. Hugs

Carrie-Thanks. I know you're struggling and you are in my thoughts. It is so hard to live with what we can't change, isn't it? Hugs

Ronnie and Barb-A few days after I had each of my kids, I could tell you that it hurt really bad to give birth, but I couldn't call to mind exactly how the pain felt. Losing a child is different (at least for me) because when it happened the pain was intense and immediate and excruciating. It sucked the air out of my lungs and every bit of joy from my soul. In time, almost 2 years now, I can breathe and I can smile and I can even laugh. But then something happens, a coffee commercial, or a song on the radio, or I find his copy of the Great Gatsby from high school, with his name written in his handwriting on the inside cover. I can remember having to track it down because when it was assigned, all the copies in the local bookstore were gone. When something like that happens, I'm losing him again. My lungs are empty and my soul is crushed and it is happening all over again, just like when it first happened. I don't stay there, but I still go there. I believe that you will get through the air-sucking, soul killing part of the grief, as I have, but it is never so far away that I can't get there in a hurry. The abyss calls us and it is so hard to stay out of it. It is a struggle I believe for all of us. It takes time, give yourself time to cry and talk to others who understand and it will gradually get more bearable. You are both in my thoughts.

Jenn-I hope your other daughter is doing okay. She has been on my mind and I hope things are improving. I hope I don't have you confused with somebody else, I can't keep things straight all the time.

Dee-I know you're glad to get those grades out. Thanks, it makes me cry when somebody says he looked like me, I always thought he looked like my husband more than me. When I got on while ago, I was home and I was looking at those closet doors that are in the picture, and I went and stood where I was in the picture and I cried as I realized I was standing RIGHT HERE in this very spot and he was standing right beside me and he was smiling and we were happy and there was a tree and it will never be that way again. I'm a mess these days, I'll be so glad when my husband gets home and I have somebody to convince that I'm not crazy.

Kathy-So understand the manic need to DO something. Hope things are going better and that Tavian is looking forward to his time out from school.

Trudi-I love that picture of Mike and Jeya. I have a picture of Westley holding Laney, I can hardly bear to look at it. Its so hard to believe that the little ones will never know our handsome sons who loved them and held them when they were so tiny.

Sweet dreams I hope we all have of our angels tonight and every night.

[mikesmum]

Rhonda ~ Its hard to look at those pictures of Mike with Jeya. You see Jeya will be 5 this Wednesday....can't be.

Heroin, yep it has my vote as pure evil. For those who think its recreational...you gotta be joking.

This is one of my favourite pics. Taken Christmas 2006. Uncle Mike, holding a very young (maybe 2 weeks) Jeya, Miss Emily Jade (now almost 13) and Harmony who was one just 3 months before. Jeya seems to be looking right into his eyes. We laughed as we noted what a ladies man Mike was...is. Just 3 weeks later he was gone.

[sherrie8168]

I HATE HEROIN TOO!!! It stole my daughter Cherry Lynn from me and our family. Heroin is evil, from hell and it gets it's hooks in our children and they cannot break free. My daughter was also treated like sh%t when she tried to get help many times at the hospital ERs after overdosing, and stays in ICU several times for endocarditis. I know because I was by her side and ended up telling a few people off. A lot of nurses and doctors judged her, treated her like she was not worth their time, ignored what she said or questions she asked. I cannot believe trained medical people could be so cruel to someone with the disease of addiction! Heroin has a stigma attached to it, if it was alcohol, then OK, the staff is very understanding, but not so with this drug.

I HATE HEROIN!! Damn sh%t from hell. I pray no other parent has to go through this kind of hell with their child. My heart is so broken for you Barb, hugs from another mom suffering the same way...Go ahead and SCREAM, SCREAM, SCREAM! Take a drive in your car, find some "F-off" Godsmack or Disturbed, loud music and SCREAM.

METHADONE stole my son. He died in his sleep from an overdose at the age of 30. I will NEVER be the same....as I know all of you feel the same. Peace to you, my friends..

Sherrie

[ericasmom]

Ahhh Rhonda, alas you needn't try to convince us, we are all with you on this trip. We are as functioning as we can be when tragic circumstances spin our lives in a whole other direction. Like being taken out of the normal earth rotation. I do love the way you worded it, oxygen sucking...true and true too that we can go right there to that time, to that moment and the moments or days that surrounded our Deepest Loss, but how nice that you who have been grieving for 2 years can offer to those new that in time you find ways to not always go there. Hope is something that is a thin thread, but it is the thread that strengthens in time, allowing big gulps of oxygen to sustain for longer periods of time. Peace, if not today, then maybe tomorrow.

Carol and Ralph, HOORAY FOR BEING HOME.

Sherrino sadness adn broken pieces of hearts all around, please hang onto the thin thread of hope.

[ericasmom]

for Carol and Ralph, this is a song you have likely heard, but it is lovely and by a band I LOVE, Jon and Shan had it played as they walked into their reception:

[rlolheiser]

It still gets hard getting out and about.. finding things I would buy my girl..(though I have to remember she wouldn't be 10 anymore) caught myself in the aisle at the store and burst into tears, I rushed to find a lonely aisle, but I don't think it matters anymore, people don't notice anyway.

I hate addiction too.. all of the many drugs out there stealing lives .. seeking to still steal lives.. breaking hearts and homes.

Just wanted to say to all of you, I so enjoy sharing your pictures of your angels.. of your lives that were and are. Thinking of you

Carol, glad your home and hope only for great things ahead!

[sadmomm]

any suggestions for not sleeping. waking up so angry and cursing.... I don't want to take meds. though it would be easier. I have to deal with my demons. and what i did wrong...But I have great anxiety and can't really relax. I think exercise would help a great deal. I am lazy I have to push myself. I feel so alone. Made it this way by moving so far away. I don't know if you guys push other thoughts in. The one man said I needed to stop thinking about him. I know Morgan didn't want to die. He made a tragic mistake. He was angry at me. But didn't have the ability to pull himself up. I ignored the drug thing though the simptoms are clear now. The anger. the weirdness. I wasn't with him. If he had lived with me. I would have put my foot up his but or better yet found him something meaningful to do. Rick and I are divorced now. Cassidy just turned 17 yesterday. I upologized to her in her card. People say you have to stop beating yourself up. People say a lot of things. But I know you all know these things and what you are doing to help. I feel like running away. I don't really have a place to run to.... I don't feel like I am helping my kids by just stagnating here. It did not work out. But it also is a huge loss. And I also see how I don't do well anywhere else.

It is the thoughts. They are so angry.. I put myself in this situation....I can't put peace with his passing. I feel like I deserve to be tortured. I know if I don't find a way to stop being so anxiety ridden It is going to eventually hurt my health. Just rambling..

Mom says I need to do something and stop dwelling on my mistakes... It is the past that is haunting me. And the past is gone.

Any helpful hints would be appreciated. Carrie

[westleysmom]

Carrie-The forgiveness that we owe to ourselves is the hardest to give, I think at least for me. When somebody else does something that hurts me, with a few exceptions, I can usually find it within me to give the benefit of the doubt to their motives and can find it in me to forgive. But with myself, I know what made me do what I did, my own selfishness or jealousy or greed or whatever. And I also know most of the time that if it happened again, there is a good chance I would make the same mistakes. So I don't want to forgive myself because I feel like I'm unforgivable. Because those flaws in me are still there and I know it. That is also true of others, and yet I can forgive them. It doesn't make sense, but that's how I think. I think you might be the same way, but you ARE forgiveable and you do not deserve to be tortured by the thoughts of what you think you did wrong that could have changed things. We have to learn to live with what we can't take back, and it is not easy. You are not and were not a bad mother. You love your kids and they love you. Anger can eat us up inside and regret and guilt make it worse. I wish I knew something to tell you to help with the anger, the exercise idea sounds like a good one. Since you are struggling, it sounds like you feel that not only did you do something wrong that made this happen, but you're still doing it wrong, since everybody around you is telling you what you need to do differently. I don't guess any of that is helpful hints, but I will tell you this and I hope that it helps-All that any of us here deserve is sympathy. None of us deserve guilt or torture, even though most of us experience it. We did not want our children to die and would have died in their place to a person, but we do not get to decide who lives and dies. But we must decide how to live after our child dies. And it is so hard. If Westley was here and I asked him to forgive me, he would laugh and say "for what? I screwed up and it wasn't your fault, I'm a grown man. Mom!!" Of course, he's not here, but knowing that he would say something like that helps me at least for a little while to let myself off the hook for something I really wasn't in charge of. I wish I could be more helpful and I'm sorry I'm rambling trying to find the magic words that will help you when there aren't any. I wish I could give you a hug and we could cry on each other's shoulders and tell each other how we understand what the other one is going through. I guess that sometimes that's why I don't post for a few days when new people come here, I feel so inadequate to help them and their pain is so raw and new and fresh that it tears my heart such as is left of it, to shreds. Hugs Carrie and try to be kind fo you today. You deserve it.

[Guest msnher]

Carrie - I understand all too well believing you deserve the torment in your life. It's a lie, however. You're believing a lie. When a lie becomes ones truth, however, it is very difficult to expose it. Difficult, but not impossible. You are beating yourself up for yesterdays mistakes with todays knowledge. We all do it, but it is extremely cruel. No matter how many times we hit replay we will come out the loser. There comes a time, if we truly want to live in harmony with ourselves, when we have to give ourselves a break and let it go, knowing that if we knew then what we know now we would do differently. You deserve to be happy, joyous and free. We all do. Finding that in our lives does not mean we no longer grieve our child. It does not mean we no longer hold ourselves accountable or responsible....what it means is that we have allowed grace and mercy to fill our hearts and that we will take a chance on forgiveness. Sometimes I have to pretend that I have forgiven myself....act as if. I help no one when I'm busy beating myself up. Let it go, my friend. You've punished yourself long enough.

[Susie_q512]

Carrie - I understand all too well believing you deserve the torment in your life. It's a lie, however. You're believing a lie. When a lie becomes ones truth, however, it is very difficult to expose it. Difficult, but not impossible. You are beating yourself up for yesterdays mistakes with todays knowledge. We all do it, but it is extremely cruel. No matter how many times we hit replay we will come out the loser. There comes a time, if we truly want to live in harmony with ourselves, when we have to give ourselves a break and let it go, knowing that if we knew then what we know now we would do differently. You deserve to be happy, joyous and free. We all do. Finding that in our lives does not mean we no longer grieve our child. It does not mean we no longer hold ourselves accountable or responsible....what it means is that we have allowed grace and mercy to fill our hearts and that we will take a chance on forgiveness. Sometimes I have to pretend that I have forgiven myself....act as if. I help no one when I'm busy beating myself up. Let it go, my friend. You've punished yourself long enough.

Susannah - Beautifully written and so true. We each have a life story filled with triumphs and failures. How easily we forget the good we do and focus on the negative. The bad is always so much easier to believe than the good. You are right; it is nothing but lies meant to destroy us. Thanks for sharing your experience and wisdom.

Carrie - There is a song that I listen to often, because I also beat myself up for the past.....a past that I have no power to change. The song is "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns. Please listen to it....there is a message of truth to be found in it. There are also 2 other songs that help be. The same group recorded them. "Praise You In This Storm" and "East to West". Don't want to push any religious beliefs on you or anyone else, but these songs have helped and comforted me for many years prior to Shannon's passing, especially "Voice of Truth." I understand that you do not want to use medications, but maybe it is something you should reconsider, especially to help with sleep and anxiety. Praying that you find some peace and comfort today.

[rlolheiser]

Carrie..

I wish I knew how to make you stop taking the blame.. guilt is something I think we all feel.. and just when a person starts not feeling guilty.. we bring it back and feel it again. I know this cause I still feel it.. but in my heart I know it isn't so.. I believe with time you will come to understand this feeling also. You need to take care of you my friend, try to stop beating yourself up and realize you are left to go on the best you can. There are no rules or as to how to go about it. I believe we all love our angels.. and that love makes us go on becaue they would be so mad if we didn't.. that is how I keep it together.. plus coming here to read and post when I need to get something out of my head.. or just post because everybody here understands at least some part of what I am feeling.

[Susie_q512]

Carrie

This is a song that I played for Shannon when she was hurting and being so mistreated by family members who stood in harsh judgement. Their unkindness hurt her heart and spirit so deeply, and she was starting to believe the "lies" of their words and actions and inside her mind. Again, don't want to offend, but sending it with love and hope that your value will be recognized and embraced. You are more than your mistakes. You are more than the judgment and criticism of others.....you are a beautiful soul.....a beautiful person.

[Susie_q512]

I apologize for my delay in posting. My laptop doesn't seem to like me a lot these days, so when I try to reply, it freezes up and then it's hard for me to start all over. I do want to thank those of you that have replied for reaching out for your kind words and for those of you who have recently lost a child (well, all of us have or we wouldn't be here), you have my condolences and are in my thoughts. I am glad I found this place because now I think I can talk more openly about things and hopefully that will help me in this process. My next post will be how I came to end up here, but for now, all I can say is thank you for the support and for your help.

Chris-Amelia'sDad

Chris - you still with us? Thinking about you and your precious Amelia. Holding you both close to my heart. (I'm having laptop problems too. My husband broke the space bar, so posting is very difficult and tedious. Hoping I can get it repaired soon.)

[westleysmom]

Susan-I love the song The Voice of Truth, I used to listen to a station that played it. Thanks for posting the Beautiful song too.

[hoosiermom]

Carrie, I don't have any words of wisdom to share, but I pray for peace for you.

Thanks to all who responded in regards to my oldest daughter. She came by last night and brought homemade Christmas candy and we visited for awhile. I talked to my dad about the situation and told him that I feel like with my girls, they reach a point with me where all they hear is blah blah blah and nothing I say gets through. I pray that someone says something that gets through to her. My dad said, she's young and thinks she is immortal but I don't know about that, she's had a younger brother and sister die, so she knows in her heart that being young does not make you immune to dying.

I just really miss having my three girls with me. We were a little family. Those days seem so long ago now. I miss "bath day"--the days that Brianna's home nurse would give her a bath and I would get home from work and she would smell sooooo good and clean. I would sniff her like a dog lol and she would shake her head NOOO at me. She was not a fan of bath day There are times that I hear her in the house and I think I must be losing my mind. She could not talk, other than "no" and "Ma" but she could make noises, much like a baby babbles. How I miss that!

The only consolation I find in her passing is that when I leave this world, I will not leave her behind, and so I don't have to worry about what will happen to her, or who will care for her when I'm gone. She will be there waiting for me, arms outstretched, ready to take me Home. This I must believe, or I simply wouldn't be able to face each day.

Love and light to all Indigos, Jenn

[sadmomm]

Thanks my dear friends for your words and love.

It is a very complex situation ... I had a farm in md and it was the kids money. I got wrapped up with a man who never took us on vacations and never encouraged me to. i sold it moved to ky and did everything possible to make it in ky where there is no work. the first year i worked a sewing job in md. shipped the work. i also bought rentals. bought a semi tractor trailer which I thought was going to make us rich.... i thought we would run it and all that money would be above everything else. we spent money .. furniture, guitar, horses, a truck and trailer, ... Morgan was mad at me. I was bull headed about him... Didn't want to get him much for a lot got stolen at his home. worried about him doing drugs with extra cash. basically went hog wild here trying to make us a good life. not morgan a good life. picked this man who really never was good to morgan or lee. to begin with. had a fantasy.. thought about buying morgan a few things. a motor home a home in california....But never did..... didn't know how to make it work out for Morgan wasn't real responsible.

when he died. of course my mind worked on how to prevent it. Prevent it.. it was done... Why didn't i help him realize his dreams. build him a tree fort at the pond. with a bunk .. he loved outdoors. I left the boys a lot there in md. but it had no home. i should have kept the trailer for him. to make him proud. put up a stupid fence here in ky. should have given him the money and said plan vacations we all missed out on that.

then Rick and i got divorced. was thinking about the divorce the last time I saw morgan. didn't listen to him. we went skiing christmas 09 he was not himself. he talked and talked. i ignored him has divorce on my mind and wanted to just enjoy. the man that took us was not my husband. it was his treat it was good But i had only seen morgan 4 times that year. the one time i took him down the road. he wanted to be with friends i should have said hey when is our time the other time we took him to the movies.

i had the money to have the time of my life with morgan and i gave him nothing.

now i am in this home with my ex husband a home he owns. i don't feel like doing anything. i wasted the money that should have gone to make the kids lives better than mine on a fantacy.. in another state 11 hours away with the encouragement of this man who is the father of my daughter.

i was on a fake happiness kick. depending on someone else to do something.. so i didn't have to work. The semi has sat for 6 years....of course with the divorce and such if Morgan was here and I could convince him we could have gone out... made some money.

So I fantasize about what i could have done to.. prevent this... stayed there on our farm not this mans. built my kid a home and a garage .. since he couldn't work or wouldn't work. i could have provided him with a job. filled his garage with tools.

then this man wouldn't have stolen everything from me. money.. my home... my independence...fun... my child...

so i can't turn it off. I am extremely depressed. I never took Morgan to the beach... Didn't focus on him. Just my own unhappiness. Thought he would be ok. His dad took very good care of him.... But he needed meaning. I had the ability finally and ran away to the biggest pain in the world.. KY

Now I am incapacitated.

Morgan blamed me for his behavior and thoughts. And I believe he was right.

We had so much... I threw it all away on some pipe dream of happiness.

I don't feel capeable of making anyone happy now. Let alone myself. Yet it was all right there and I threw it away... an easy way out..

It is horrendous here. Home barn. Garage that rick built. He has a body shop busiiness. Farm 69 acres are mine not worth much 9 acres rick owns with the home and garage.

I had a gut feeling.. But went ahead and did this.

Now I want to go home. Home has been sold. Rick insisted and like a dumb ass i did it.

I want to go to Frederick MD... Somehow to bring back Morgan from the dead. Lee is there. The horrible lake is there I am glad i did not loose both sons in it. How he got in it I haven't a clue. Walked on it or fell in there were the big snows there that year.

Rick says we will move back. after cassidy graduates in may. Waiting till may seems like an eternity. and we are not happy. I wanted something i could have only gotten by staying put and spending time with my kids and making their lives better than mine.

I want to go to truck driving school now. I want to progress. move ahead. move back. find the soul i used to have before I lost it. by doing the wrong thing.

I don't think it is there. I wasted 20 years. with this man.. who didn't make me and my kids first. I see he and his mom had the right idea take care of yours... that would have made me happy... but i left Morgan to the wolves. and if his mental condition complicated by drugs. which was not in my nature to ignore. but i did do to the screw up money... **** in KY

If morgan could have only waited....

He was so young. I am truly turtored.....

I truly left him to the wolves kind of like my mother did me. I didn't learn from my life. nor my kids.

He had time for me and i had time or him.

I can't fix this. I am guilty.

I think waiting here to move is the right thing. But my heart is nowhere except in the box with morgan for that is where i want to go if i die. and I told his brother that i didn't show him i loved him. he said i did...

I shafted all three of my kids lives and my own by not acting in my own best interest and the kids best interest...

I set myself up for absolute total devestation with this new life. total lonliness... now desperation. sadness................

I feel like I need to go to truck driving school.. drive for someone.. then drive for myself rebuild my life. i am so afraid i cannot succeed... and the horses. they have also ruined my life. but they are what i have left that i like.

so at first i wasn't cussing rick. but started that lately. at night around 430 am. restless ever since. I know I will wear myself out.

so this gives you an idea why the guilt and pain are so bad. I screwed up. paying for it... am disabled now. have my phone and talk to friends on the phone. My daughter doesn't like me. her and rick think it is my fault. it is.

finding someone new at this age. is rediculous ... and he is ok. he helps me...

I know I cannot go on like this. I am worthless to both kids.

Only i can find the power to do something. But nothing means anything. The only thing that means anything to me is what i didn't do to spend time with my children....My daughter doesn't want me to spend time with her here.

I will be ok. Morgan is not. He did not get what he deserved. from me. a dimwhit bipolar mom worried about the dick she was sleeping with and listening to him. ...

My sewing job had dried up. My truck sits there. That was the plan.... for me... not for the greedy pig i learned from and protected....

It has been a while. Be two years in March. I have gotten worse.

I will try to keep you guys posted Carrie

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate, was it you and your Husband that went to see the healing garden at the hospital? I read it and have had so little time to post, but now I am freed up some as the report cards will be going home tomorrow and mine are done and printed. HOORAY> Anyhow, the garden sounds lovely adn I pictured two people soundless and watching, just looking and absorbing the weight of what brought you there. I hold you as you face Jeff's 2nd anniversary of leaving and your second Christmas without him. I am sorry.

Barb and Ronnie, you are days apart in your losses and so similar of circumstances, certainly your Angels led you here to meet as though you are sisters on this path, joined through loss but eventually, led on by love and a sense of family here. I hate heroin too, lost some friends a long time ago to the drug but all drugs that can be used and prescribed haphazardly, as so many kids and adults are addicted to these as well. Such complete sadness you are feeling, as though you brain and heart and spirit are jumping around, unable to rest, unable to focus and unable to cope. You are not expected to find out how to cope at this early time, though you are doing it in order to do your daily work or deal with the family and the kids but coping long term will come with time, and it will involve a lot of work, grief is a lot of work. Some folks read everything they can get their hands on to help them understand what they are feeling, while others cannot read two sentences as focusing is impossible...we are all of us different where that is concerned but please hang on knowing that all of us on the road ahead of you are here, we are here for the long haul. You will one day laugh and you will one day make plans for something fun, but it is not now. Hang on.

Trudi, I love that photo of Mike, each time I see it I feel that somehow I was in the room with he and the others, his smile wrapped around the baby like a soft cuddly blanket.

Rhonda, I probably have told you this, but Westley looks a great deal like you. So handsome a boy with his Momma's eyes, I am sorry that the photos have your heart breaking, but sometimes we just have to look again and again. Sweet Boy, bless your Momma with a visit.

[lolynbo]

WAS JUST AT WM AND A GIRL THAT WENT TO SCHOOL WITH KOURTNEY WAS TALKN BOUT HER SON WAS FIXN TO BE 5...BLAH BLAH BLAH......MAKES ME THINK OF WHAT COULDA BEEN AND WILL NEVER B

[Guest msnher]

Carrie - Nope. I'm not convinced that you deserve to be punished. Your actions do seem to be evidence, however, that you are bipolar (as you already claimed).

[Susie_q512]

Carrie - Nope. I'm not convinced that you deserve to be punished. Your actions do seem to be evidence, however, that you are bipolar (as you already claimed).

I agree wholeheartedly. Being bipolar myself, I can recognize its destruction and devastation. Carrie, maybe you are in a severe depressive state of this illness? If you are not receiving medical care and treatment for this illness, please consider getting help. I am so very concerned for you.

[mikesmomrs]

Carrie: There are no words that I could write that would add to the thoughts already posted here by others with more wisdom than I hold. Guilt and regret are things that we all have at one point or another, and I pray that you will find strength to allow forgiveness for yourself and pave the way for peace in your heart. I have felt guilt and regret many times, and while I haven't always been successful, I have tried to counter those feelings with the thought that I did the best I could at the time I did it, and yes, looking back we think that maybe today things would be different, but we never know what the future is going to hold, and thus we can't let the past dictate how we live it. My heart to you.

Dee: thank you so much for the beautiful song that you shared, "Home." "...Home is wherever I'm with you" are truly words that have described mine and Mike's life together, as we have had to make our home in many different places. Coming back to this house, our home, did feel so good and gave us such a feeling of peace as we walked in the door. Jon and Shannon choosing to enter their reception with this song says a lot to how they are already in a place in their lives together where they understand what is truly important over anything else, and they so generously shared these feelings with everyone present by playing this heart-lifting, happy song. Listening to the song today helped to remind me of all that Mike and I have together, and we are so very grateful for that. Thank you.

Susan: Thank you also for sharing the beautiful song that you shared with your daughter, Shannon. I am so glad that she had someone who understood her and helped her through those times when she felt assaulted by those whom she should have been able to count on for love and support.

Jenn: "The only consolation I find in her passing is that when I leave this world, I will not leave her behind, and so I don't have to worry about what will happen to her, or who will care for her when I'm gone. She will be there waiting for me, arms outstretched, ready to take me Home. This I must believe, or I simply wouldn't be able to face each day."

Yes, your beautiful Brianna will be waiting to greet you, and all these days of missing her and grieving for the loss of her will be forgotten, slipping away from your mind, never to be thought of again, as you walk side by side with her forever. This belief carries each of us to each next day of our life here now.

Trudi: I too love that pic of Mike with the girls. There are so many aspects of it that speak out, but the one that says it loudest is the love flowing between all of them. And that little impish grin on Em's face...oh how much it shows her lineage to her granma. I am so glad that you have this picture to remind you of the love shared and the memories made, for those times when you are pulled towards that abyss. (post note: Trudi...I was editing my post while you were posting, and you and I had both quoted the same passage from Jenn's post...

Barb and Ronnie: I second the words of Dee, and agree with her statement that you will one day laugh again, and make plans for something fun, but that day is not now. And we are here to help you walk that path to that day, as we who have been here longer do know that the rawness does soften, that we are able to "engage" again in life, in a different way for sure, but we do reach that point. There is no way to go "around" this grief, we must go "through" it and we are so blessed to be here, to be able to share and comfort, love and understand, and listen to each other.

I have a picture I would like to share...it is Mike as Joseph, 1986---he was 11....a little young for fatherhood :-)

[mikesmum]

Jenn: "The only consolation I find in her passing is that when I leave this world, I will not leave her behind, and so I don't have to worry about what will happen to her, or who will care for her when I'm gone. She will be there waiting for me, arms outstretched, ready to take me Home. This I must believe, or I simply wouldn't be able to face each day."

Amen

[mikesmomrs]

By the way, I wanted to explain my referring to Ralph now as "Mike." This is the explanation: I hope you all understand.

As for the Ralph/Mike references on the Care Pages site I did for him while he was in the hospital, and my sudden reference to him as Mike here on BI, this is the explanation. I wrote on a Care Pages update that "Mike" is who he was when I fell in love with him, Mike is who I married; I gave birth to Mike's children, and Mike is who I planned to spend my life with. Around the time young Mike was about 14, we let someone else change hubby's name to Ralph, and we should have spoken up then and said no. (His name is Ralph Michael, but he was always called Mike by his family of origin, by myself and my family, as well as close friends.) A couple who were "friends" back then, had said that they were just getting "too confused" with two Mike's in our family, so they were going to start calling him Ralph. At his work, he had always been called Ralph, but never at home, by us or his family of origin. But, foolishly, we let it slide at the time and it became fact. However, I was NEVER comfortable with it, never even calling him by that name at home...it always sounded foreign in my mouth. From then on, to me, as always, he was still Mike, but I always called him honey. So, when I reopened the Care Pages site, I was referring to him as both, and it just seemed so weird. I made up my mind to settle on what we had always known and loved. He is Mike. Always has been, and always will be. Also, during our recent trip, having spent so much time with his family, I really got used to referring to him as Mike again, and it really warmed my heart. I am posting this explanation so people won't think I am nuts, or, nuttier than usual. I hope it doesn't upset anyone, but we on BI are all about doing what we need to do, and this is something I really need to do now. I hope you all understand.

love to all,

[sadmomm]

Susannah Susan and mikes mom

thanks for your concerns. Treatment for Bipolar is with very strong medicines that basically numb your feelings. I would sleep better on them. But I will be ok. I am not suicidal. Just extremely sad I have put myself in this situation and my future and my kids future on such a track. I went wrong by not acting in my own best interest. Kind of a pipe dream. I knew better. And did it anyway. Medicine doesn't change the past. I lost a soul my own by coming to ky and putting my life in someone elses hands... It became clearly evident when we arrived here he wanted all the money he could get.. And then to waste it. I am ashamed of being with a man who did not act in anyones best interest but his own. It is a very sad home situation where as I am blamed...I had a productive life in MD. A lot of people did the wrong thing with the economic times of that time. I did also. I see it all very clearly now.. Morgans life was not as full as I could have made it. And I abandoned them by coming here. Thinking stupidly that they were grown... I have deep regrets. It is the loss of income that makes this so hard.. I will get a menial job to pass the time. Or rebuild wrecks with Rick. But knowing what I should have done and what could have been.. Is disturbing... Rick and I were very stupid.. I can get myself out of this mess. I do have a plan. The waiting is what is hard. And in the end I know I will never be happy with this person. I would have been ok with him if I had not let him take advantage of me. Acted in my and my childrens best interest.... Luckily I have friends in Md whom I could stay with...If Morgan had lived. I could have made it up to him. But time is what is important with your family. I wish I had taking him sky diving, skiing to colorodo,, to hawaii,, beach trips.. Guided him. Protected him from the path he was choosing to take. Got him on medication. Treated him like the prince he was. Not been like my mother and demanded that he work. Not let him loose...His dad was so laid back he tried to help but also was lax about it. I thought he would be ok I supose as we all do..Life is what we make it.... Thanks for being concerned about me. Many people are. I put myself in this stressful situation with not much support ...It wasn't thought through. didn't plan ahead. My partner only cared about himself and his greed. We talked about moving away.. even montana.. how horrible would that have been... But we think our children are kind of like us. We can't do that. Each person is an individual.. I think boys are more suseptible to drugs and death from what I have seen on these grief sites.. I hve talked to people who had very good lives with their sons you know gone to college worked to loose them to drugs.. When you weren't into drugs yourself it seems kind of weird to get on drugs. It is more horrendous when you know something is not quite right and you don't intervene.

The councelor wasn't much help. They don't know what to tell you when you loose a child.

I will be ok.. you guys can feel comfortable in that.. I am just extremely lonely and extremely lost without my comfort of my home and my friends and family. I chose that and it was a horrible mistake.

I am sure if I had stayed and been around I could have helped my son when he wasn't helping himself..Carrie

[Guest msnher]

Jenn - Everytime I attempt to respond to you my words fall flat. You've already said all the words I would speak, myself. Deep sigh.

Carol - Would you prefer that we call Ralph "Mike" also? Happy to do it for both of you.

Carrie - It all just sucks, doesn't it? Hind sight is always 20/20. I'm impressed that you are owning your mistakes, but as is customary with most humans, we inflict a much harsher punishment on ourselves than we would on another. I think we have to find our way through guilt and regret for ourselves. Writing about it, talking about it, taking responsibility for it is very beneficial to the whole process. You have a plan of action and once that plan is put in place I hope your load will lighten.

I was hoping for more time on the computer today, before we begin putting up Christmas decorations, but the kids are getting a bit rowdy, so I'd better go.

Love you all!!

[Chads Mom]

I haven’t posted in awhile.. When I type something and it looks like the rant of a crazy woman so I will keep it short and sweet.

To all the new parents of BI a sad but loving welcome to you, I am so very sorry for your losses it breaks my heart into a million pieces…. The people here are wonderful so keep coming back it does help..

The doctor put me on a new blood pressure medicine and I swear it is effecting my ability to communicate or make any sense.. My husband has been having to help me finish sentences when I talk so Monday I am calling the Doc and telling him I’m not taking it anymore…Hopefully he can find something that will work better for me.

I may not have been keeping up with writing but I have been keeping up by reading everyone’s posts.

I think of each of you daily…………….

Peace and Love Indigo’s

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[sadmomm]

I just wish I had run off with Morgan instead of doing this. He had the right idea. The plus is Cass gets a mommy daddy dad at home in his garage and he has assets not many because he wasted a ton. to move back to md with.... The sucky part is all three of my children could have had better lives than me which they were entitled to.. .... And I ran away to a really impovished state... where as i have lost my mind.... I see everything with rose colored glasses. But until I act upon it... That is what is so horrendous. My friend my son. is gone. he had a wonderful smile not a cavity in his beautiful mouth. and he knew what was important. people...

My plan is a stressful one. Truck driving school. I told mr control freak it would be in his best interest for me to do something... truck driving school. he doesn't want to help me a bit. unless i am under his clench..

I have horses. which need tended to. a stupid venture but one that had me occupied for years. unfortunately played a role in coming here. i may need to sell them. i would regret that. I see so clearly now how our children get into trouble so many people live in small houses and there isn't much to do. I go nuts cause it is not what I want to do .. sit around watch tv smoke. though i smoke now some.

But doing what I did... overwhelming oneself with things.. farms horses.. etc... is stupid as a box of rocks..

I have no idea when I will stop waking up a million times a night thinking how horribly i behaved... My sweet son..Perhaps one day. I am trying to drink water. trying to do something.

Suzanna I love hearing about your beautiful daughter. And I love how you are raising her kids. How lucky those kids are.. and they are to have you.

Rick works here. In the garage. that is good. Cass has a good home. I'de give anything to go back in time. I wouldn't be this sick....I am not accomplishing anything because I don't want to be here. But moving back is very expensive.. that is why it was totally ignorant to move. Oh well. Ignorance is a choice.

[lolynbo]

WELL IM DONE DECORATING...GOT OUT THE STOCKINGS TODAY............HUNG KOURTNEYS......THREW BROOKES IN THE TRASH........PUT KOURTNEYS FAV COLOR ON TREE.....

HAVE GOOD DAY

[ericasmom]

Good day All,

it is sunny and blue skies reign on a very cold day. Shan and I went to the gym and then my younger brother came by, it was a nice visit though he has a drug problem so I have to keep our visits short. There are years when I see him exactly once, at Christmas time, but lately he is reaching out more. He only lives 5 miles away, but I could not handle seeing him too much. Glad though, that he can visit a bit without his specifically ugly comments that go against anything I believe in.

Lorri, you did a fine job with your decorations, I know that the orange represents the sunshine in your life, Kourtney, who loved orange and turquoise too right?

Polly, I do hope that you will indeed call the doc and maybe even call him today and put a voice mail into him so that he can call you with some alternate idea, not being able to finish your sentences worries me...too strong a medicine probably. Be careful and never worry about ranting, that is who we are sometimes, all of us rant, we need to.

Carrie, when you tell us about yourself, the more you tell, the more I do see that you have a plan but I also sense that you feel that you are the one that made your Son have a hard life. I am so sorry that you are taking on so much of Morgan's decisions, I get it, but I am sorry that you feel it is your fault. Carrie, if there are folks in Maryland that will let you live with them, could you go there now? Or are you waiting until your Daughter graduates? It just sounds like the place you are is bringing you down even more than you were already, and setting does matter, friends and those things familiar to you do matter so it may be in everyone's best interest to get to Maryland sooner rather than later. My thoughts are surrounding you and wishing you to be near people that can help you and have interest in helping you. Truck driving is a fine thing to go after, but why not in Maryland where you have a bit of a support system? We have all made mistakes with the men/women we have dated or married in our lives, and sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on without them if possible...I hate thinking of you with someone that disrespected your needs and your hopes.

[sadmomm]

Dee well moving to md is a hard thing. Yes I do have people that love me there. But I made my life very difficult and complex by selling there and moving here. And you are absolutely right. that here brings me down. Well it is lonely as all get out. Putting myself with this man was not a good idea from the get go.... But if I had acted in my own best interest and never given him a say in my life it would have been better. I have severe anxiety. And constant thoughts. Medicine would calm me down. I know that.. But it also. Makes you numb.

No Morgan had his own mind made up. I could have helped him so much. I will always regret not being there and focusing on him the last 4 years of his life. He had a birthmark that gave him the ability to have social security. Which gave him a way out of work. He was doing drugs. And it was not my nature. to ignore that. But I did due to my mind on the divorce. I will never forgive myself for that.

It just plain sucks we don't get that second chance. I had such a beautiful place there in MD.. should have never let it go. and it should have gone to helping the kids. Unfortunately I found this ky on the internet and Rick jumped on it. Then got in my face about doing things. And unfortunately for all of us i did not run the other way. Had thoughts that were not backed up by reality. Now the complication of it all.... And My daughter.. makes me want to stick it out till he puts it on the market. If he builds a home in md perhaps we can recoup all that is lost. he is a builder. He is also a dick.

Unfortunately I put a lot into this stupid place and didn't think it through at all. I have to live with my decisions. But the depression and the regret and loosing Morgan and alll those thoughts associated with all the loss as you well know is there for the rest of our lives. Kind of make me feel like doing nothing.. Which I am able to do. But nothingness sucks alone. hey if you have your kids visit it is great. But Lee is in MD. and luckily busy with his life.

So yes I could move on. I could try to set it up for the renter to take care of the horses here or sell them. I don't like the idea of selling them because it has given me much pleasure over the years.. And i really get couped up in the house. I don't really like just houses. never have.

If Morgan had lived ...If only.

I don't know what I am going to do. for right now hang in here and try to wait. It is difficult. Perhaps get a menial job in town. after the holidays.

Md is a hard place to move back to .. It is quite expensive. Without income it is difficult. I don't look forward to driving a truck but my focus is to make up to the kids what I took from them.

And find new friends and try to get back into the swing of life.

I have my doubts about this relationship. Moving it to the middle of nowhere really showed its colors but it was too late.

My grief is what is consuming me... Grief for Morgan and moving here....The loss of my child has set me into a very deep depression.

I know I have to lick my wounds and move on.. And I can.. Selling horses is no easy task in this market. Real estate either.

The regret of knowing I could have avoided all this ... eats me up. I have to find a release somehow. It is very hard when I cannot concentrate to read. don't want to do any of the farm work....

I do feel guilty for him dying. Very guilty. I hope someday I can find some peace. If I had been a better mom. and not involved in this man... had fun.. had morgan see me smile... I would feel better..

One of the last things morgan said to me was mom i am not a child anymore. something about dressing warm for the ski trip. it was very cold that day. and i didn't help him keep the long underwear he exchanged it for ski pants. I regret that.

He needed me very much and I was not there.

This site and my phone is my only escape.

Thanks for the support. Carrie

[Jeff's Mom]

By the way, I wanted to explain my referring to Ralph now as "Mike." This is the explanation: I hope you all understand.

As for the Ralph/Mike references on the Care Pages site I did for him while he was in the hospital, and my sudden reference to him as Mike here on BI, this is the explanation. I wrote on a Care Pages update that "Mike" is who he was when I fell in love with him, Mike is who I married; I gave birth to Mike's children, and Mike is who I planned to spend my life with. Around the time young Mike was about 14, we let someone else change hubby's name to Ralph, and we should have spoken up then and said no. (His name is Ralph Michael, but he was always called Mike by his family of origin, by myself and my family, as well as close friends.) A couple who were "friends" back then, had said that they were just getting "too confused" with two Mike's in our family, so they were going to start calling him Ralph. At his work, he had always been called Ralph, but never at home, by us or his family of origin. But, foolishly, we let it slide at the time and it became fact. However, I was NEVER comfortable with it, never even calling him by that name at home...it always sounded foreign in my mouth. From then on, to me, as always, he was still Mike, but I always called him honey. So, when I reopened the Care Pages site, I was referring to him as both, and it just seemed so weird. I made up my mind to settle on what we had always known and loved. He is Mike. Always has been, and always will be. Also, during our recent trip, having spent so much time with his family, I really got used to referring to him as Mike again, and it really warmed my heart. I am posting this explanation so people won't think I am nuts, or, nuttier than usual. I hope it doesn't upset anyone, but we on BI are all about doing what we need to do, and this is something I really need to do now. I hope you all understand.

love to all,

Oh Carol, you are definitely not nuts! You can call him whatever you like. He is just Ralph or Mike to me...the man you have allowed us to get to know. And I am so happy to say that I am extremely pleased that he is back at home with you again. No doubt wanting to pick at those Christmas turkey bones this time! Ralph...we'd be fighting over the drumstick for sure!

Hope you are feeling a bit better today. Carol hope you are getting enough sleep now that you are in your own bed again. Sending good vibes your way.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Good day All,

it is sunny and blue skies reign on a very cold day. Shan and I went to the gym and then my younger brother came by, it was a nice visit though he has a drug problem so I have to keep our visits short. There are years when I see him exactly once, at Christmas time, but lately he is reaching out more. He only lives 5 miles away, but I could not handle seeing him too much. Glad though, that he can visit a bit without his specifically ugly comments that go against anything I believe in.

Lorri, you did a fine job with your decorations, I know that the orange represents the sunshine in your life, Kourtney, who loved orange and turquoise too right?

Polly, I do hope that you will indeed call the doc and maybe even call him today and put a voice mail into him so that he can call you with some alternate idea, not being able to finish your sentences worries me...too strong a medicine probably. Be careful and never worry about ranting, that is who we are sometimes, all of us rant, we need to.

Carrie, when you tell us about yourself, the more you tell, the more I do see that you have a plan but I also sense that you feel that you are the one that made your Son have a hard life. I am so sorry that you are taking on so much of Morgan's decisions, I get it, but I am sorry that you feel it is your fault. Carrie, if there are folks in Maryland that will let you live with them, could you go there now? Or are you waiting until your Daughter graduates? It just sounds like the place you are is bringing you down even more than you were already, and setting does matter, friends and those things familiar to you do matter so it may be in everyone's best interest to get to Maryland sooner rather than later. My thoughts are surrounding you and wishing you to be near people that can help you and have interest in helping you. Truck driving is a fine thing to go after, but why not in Maryland where you have a bit of a support system? We have all made mistakes with the men/women we have dated or married in our lives, and sometimes we have to cut our losses and move on without them if possible...I hate thinking of you with someone that disrespected your needs and your hopes.

Dee...so glad you were able to have a nice visit with your brother...however short. How are you doing these days? Not much new our way. Keeping busy with last minute stuff to do.

So sorry to read how difficult a time many of you are having over this holiday period. I simply am at a loss as to how to find words that can give you some comfort. Please do not beat yourselves up over past mistakes. Hold on to the love that you hold in your heart for your child. I know you feel lost right now. It is a perfectly normal way to feel. I can tell you this...that it will get slightly easier with time. You will always hold them near and dear, but you will start to be able to live and follow a routine again one day. Don't let this tragedy break you...stay strong and do it for them! I am having a difficult time as well this past while. It will be two years on Monday since Jeff died. My husband and I walked into the site again today and stood looking at the lake. It still does not seem real. The time of year sure does not help. We went out for lunch and I had to leave in a hurry...they were playing Christmas Carols. It hit like a brick wall when I remembered him as a little boy at this time. Still, when I came home we made coffee and put some music on...NOT CAROLS! It broke the silence. Stay strong and we will continue to pray and send support your way. You can and will get through this initial shock and pain!

Kate

[lolynbo]

YES LOVED LOVED LOVED ORANGE...BUT THE LAST CHRISTMAS DECOR WE BOUGHT 2 WEEKS B4 TUMOR BURST WAS TEALISH/LIMEGREENISH..........THE LAST SHOPPING TRIP EVER ....

[mysonrich]

Hello, I guess its been a week since I last posted ,but I have been reading.

Ronnie, Cherry Lynn is a very pretty young woman and I am so sorry that she struggled and fought the demons of drug addiction. I am sorry that she died. You have found a good group of people here. Compassion and understanding ,ever ready , always here and knowing.

Barb, A very sad welcome to you as well. I am sorry for the reason that you are here, the loss of a much loved son, Christopher.

Carol and Mike/Ralph, I have tagged along with you both these past few weeks. I believe Mike is home? And more hospital visits in the near future? Carol, how are you?

Colleen, thanks for the reminder . The 11^th is here already!

Carrie, I can relate to your struggle in that I also moved before Rich died. I wasn't very far away but an eternity when I traveled to see him his last day. I wanted him and his g/f to move with me. As Rich asked,” where are the music venue's”? ha ha, not enough for him in the hills of Pennsylvania. I moved to be closer to my mom after she suffered a stroke, moved her to me , she wanted to be close to home,I moved to her. Rich died 4.5 months later. I too struggle with what I may have done to prevent his death. If I were closer to him would I have noticed something wrong? Could I have done anything to save his life?

The last time I saw Rich alive was Christmas 2008. He was gone January 18. Did I see something. Sense something. Hindsight is 20/20 and whose to say our perception of past events is even right. Carrie, forgive yourself. Take one step today. Tomorrow, take another. Make a plan and stick to it. Get the hell out of dodge and learn to breath again. I say this in kindness.

Dee, sounds like a good day out with Shan . I like good short visits with some cousins. They most likely have the same views on the world as your brother and I hate listening to it. Any reason why your brother is reaching out more?

I am going to a Christmas party tonight with my co-workers. I don't feel like going but some people I have know for years and their support has been welcomed this past year, this past week. My aunt did not mention my dads death nor did her golden child. Something is f'ked up here and this time it isn't me.

Right before my dad died I was coming down with something and it decided to stick around for another week. More antibiotics, nose spray, aspirin in an attempt to kick the bugs butt. The funeral went well and was planned by my dad so there really wasn't much to do in that area. We had the reception at a very nice restaurant,which I sure he would have liked. For those of you that don't know me, the relationship my dad had with his children, or lack of, has been complicating this past year with his poor heath...I have made my peace with this to some extent.

I wanted to share some pictures of Rich,my Richie, his last Christmas with us earthlings. I took many of him. I am struggling more this year compared to last. I guess its partly due to realizing that my brother and I are the only ones left out of a family of 6. Our boys are gone. We both have a surviving child which I believe we both draw strength from.

Thinking of you all. ((((hugs))))

http://smu.gs/w4Qdny

http://smu.gs/w4Qdny

http://smu.gs/w4Qdny

http://smu.gs/w4Qdny

http://smu.gs/rCPWPe

http://smu.gs/rCPWPe...............

one with short hair.

[mysonrich]

ok, I think I have the code. Long hair Rich is Christmas 2008. The front of his urn which Nicks dad, Dan, he has a friend in Va that lasered Rich's picture .

http://ehaldeman.smugmug.com/Groups/BI/18676819_MPZGNh

[Tweetymm125@aol.com]

I have m y tree up but I coold care less I am going to try to put on my happy face for my 24 year old daughter, My dad has lung cancer and I am just sad all the time MY daughter hasa boyfriend and she is happier than ever I think children grieve differentt I am sad all the time I just have lost the desire to live anymore I am not going to do anything to hurtt myself I just feel alone i am going to lose my dad soon i feel helpless I am jst venting This new life sucks 2 years wihot Rob I almost brought him a gift I will bring a tree to the gravesite This pain is too much anymore for me

[summergirl]

Just a quick hello - been Christmas shopping all day with hubby and we have realized we are not "young" anymore...lol...8 hours walking and driving around, dealing with crazy shoppers is a little more than we can handle any more....

Has anybody had any trouble doing a PM to anyone here ?? I have tried to PM a couple of you and it keeps telling me "error" - making me a bit crazy but guess I will figure it out.

Thinking of you Carol and of course Ralph... Thinking of everyone and keeping you close to my heart...Time to get some rest...

Please remember to light a candle tomorrow.......Love to all, Kathy

Another pic that was made by a special lady....

[Chads Mom]

Forced myself out to do a little bit of shopping today. I just haven’t felt like myself the last few days so I really had to kick myself in back side to get out the door. It was worth it, cold but worth it. For some crazy reason after I did my shopping I just started heading in a direction and landed in my 91 year old grandmothers driveway for a visit. Glad I did her leg was really hurting so I did some loads of laundry and few other chores for her then I gave her a good bengay leg rub. Funny thing after the leg rub we both fell asleep for a couple hours.

Dee: Left a message with my doctors answering service Friday morning. (apparently they are out on Friday’s) The on call doctor called and he didn’t feel that it was life threatening although had to put husband on the phone since he makes better sense than I do right now.

It reminds me of when my sister became an epileptic 6 years ago out of the blue, to this day we still don’t know why she developed epilepsy. Anyway they put her on”Topomax” and I watched my bubbly, outgoing, and strong sister slip away to a zombie on that medication. She began telling us if this was how life was going to be she didn’t want to go on. I would have to help her finish her sentences and play guess the word I am trying to say and go to appointments so I could translate her newly broken English. It was a very difficult time… Needless to say she sees a new doctor and is now on a new medication it doesn’t control all of her seizures but at least I got my sister back after the medication just about took her from us.

I have to be honest I sat here for over an hour re-typing and re-reading this to make sure it made any sense. I have not taken this medication today at all as this is an additional blood pressure medication the doctor decided to add last week. I kept thinking the weirdness would go away but if anything it has gotten worse.

Carol: I hope you and Ralph/Mike are doing well you are both on mind a LOT…..

Maybe when my brain is in a higher functioning mode I will start writing again more regular. Until then thinking of you all and wishing you much love Indigo’s…

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[mikesmum]

Betsy ~ Good to see your boy's face. Seems like Mike a lot went on in a year...the neat short hair to the longer bearded boy! Glad your dad's service went ok. Hope the bug packs its bags soon. As for your Aunt...its another world sometimes that we look in on and wonder WTF.

For the Christmas shoppers, I take my hat off to you. We have ventured out today to put a present under the 'Wishing Tree' here at KMart. Its run by the Salvation Army. Our card reads, "A random Act of Kindness from Mike". We had Zak with us so he place the gift as we explained the idea. He gets it now that not everyone has a Christmas.

Candlelighting starts here tonight and I will be lighting candles for Mike, my nephew Luke and another for my son's Indigo angel friends. That light will shine around the world as you all light your own candles tomorrow night.

The rain has stopped this afternoon so I might parttake of some 'just being' time outside. Hope the neighbour with the weed wacker runs out of petrol soon

Peace and Light Indigo's

[ericasmom]

Betsy, why my bro is reaching out more now is probably due to his coming up on age 50 and dad still dying, (devils don't die) and he lives with dad. anyhow, Gary always was an odd little boy, very bright, artistic and born to a mom who was depressed and 4 siblings who did not really know how to fill in the many gaps for him. He never did school well, he never learned how to be socially acceptable really, nor did he learn how to do anything for himself, easier to do for him than take the time to teach him apparently, and so he is this age and getting lonely. My dad is very prejudice, I grew up in a home where the ugliest words were used about all other cultures, it always went against my heart and belief system so I never followed that line of ickiness, but Gary did, he hated right along with dad.

How are you feeling now? The last time you posted it was right before your Dad's funeral I think, and you were getting sick again. I hope that the medicines have knocked this bug out of you. So many kids with three and four week coughs...one girl had a 104.5 fever at school, poor dear. I am happy that your Dad planned everything out for the funeral, and I am sorry that your aunt has said nothing.

Carrie, listen to everyone here if you can...your life needs to go on now, in good ways.