Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

Hello my indigo family: All of the discussion about belief systems is very interesting to read. I myself have confusion sometimes, but my main belief is pretty much as Dee has said. God doesn't "cause" deaths, but when death occurs, He is there to deliver us into our next life--our eternal life. I have to believe this, I have to believe that I will one day see my son again. One of the hardest, most painful things I experienced while Mike was ill and moving each day closer to the inevitable death that the doctors predicted, was for me to look at Mike and think "I will never see him on this earth again. He will never walk into this house again." My heart still aches at those thoughts, and my tears flow, even now, five years later, at the thinking of the pain I felt then. I can remember times during Mike's life when I prayed to God for guidance with him, that I thanked God for him, and that I prayed for strength to be able to be there for him during times when some of his own choices made things difficult for him, and consequently, difficult for me (and Mike's dad). There were times when he was hurt that I prayed for him to be okay, but somehow, during those times, I knew that he would be okay; that it wasn't his time yet. But, when he was diagnosed with brain cancer and we were told that it was "fatal" ( as the doctor put it), I felt that same feeling I felt when he was five and just "knew" back then that I would outlive him. And now, without being put into words, just as before, I knew. The time had come.

I think I have mentioned here before that when Mike was just five, I knew that I would outlive him. After that, it was a lifelong expectation, though certainly not a thought that was dwelt on, and in fact hardly thought of again until Mike was diagnosed, and I think this is why I never "prayed for a miracle" for Mike. I have written a "memory story" of that time, beginning with Mike's birth, through to the day I "knew" I would outlive him. It is rather lengthy, so if you've read it before, please forgive my forgetfulness.

When I reached my due date with Mike and passed it by 29 days, I was put in the hospital to be induced. My husband and I had tried for 8 years to get pregnant, after Mike’s older sister was born, and I spent the year before conception and all my months of pregnancy, worrying that something was wrong, that the baby would not be okay. Around 9:15 pm, on the evening of the second day of being induced with no progress, I was returned to my room for the night—still over a month overdue, with new worries invading my brain about our baby’s health. I put out my light, exhausted, and leaned back on my pillow. I looked out the huge window beside my bed, all the lights of the city of San Antonio blinking back at me and without even realizing it, (almost like when you have a terrible headache and you don’t know when it stopped—you just realize all of a sudden that it’s gone), suddenly, for the first time in more than two years, I felt truly relaxed. I took a deep breath and started to cry, softly, with a slow, calming sense of relief flooding my whole being and peace drifting into my mind. I had no idea where this came from; someplace within I suspected. I remember then looking out that window again, at the beauty of the city lit up like its own little planet, and saying “Okay, God. It’s yours. I am giving it over to You. I know that You will not give me more than You know that I can handle, and so I am doing what I should have done a long time ago—giving it over to You. All of it. You are stronger than I am, You are wiser than I am. So, it’s yours. The baby is Yours. The baby’s life is Yours.” And somehow I knew then that everything would be all right, no matter what happened or didn’t happen; everything would be all right.

Mike was born the next day, at 5:07 pm, all 10 lbs, 15 ½ oz of him, red and screaming— and okay. We thanked God for this joyous gift. It was over 8 years since we’d had a baby in the house, and this sweet little baby-powder smelling creature was a delight from the very beginning—always happy, no colic, no “all-nighters,” teeth just “showed up”—and he won over his sisters and everyone who met him with his happy giggles and zest for life. Every day seemed like a surprise to him that he got to “do it all over again,” and he spread that sense of wonder and joy to everyone around him, family and strangers alike. I didn’t think of my events of the night before his birth again. Until Mike was five. When Mike went to kindergarten, we were on Guam, and the schools were in deplorable condition. On his first day of school, we walked into a grey, dingy, lightless room, the paint on the walls peeling, dirty handprints around the light switch and the window ledges, without even so much as a book or a crayon in view. His teacher, a young guy in his early 20’s, dressed in a tank top and cut off denims, dirty sneakers, and a long, skinny ponytail hanging down his back, came in and led the kids to a soiled, torn grey gym mat, that took up half of the floor space—there were no chairs or desks. After all the buildup of the previous weeks “Mike, you’re going to school, you will have so much fun, you’ll draw, and read, and paint,” his sisters echoing how much fun it would be, the surprised disappointment that showed on his face standing there in that classroom was etched in my mind as I drove to work, and cried all the way.

Explaining to my boss’s wife why I was so upset when I got to work, she suggested I enroll Mike in the Catholic kindergarten in town—all 5 of her kids had attended and loved it. Lunchtime found me there, looking around—it was SO beautiful, and the nuns were so loving and kind, and cheerful. And the classroom: bright colors everywhere, books, crayons, posters, a piano! We came back the next day, Saturday, to look around some more and to meet the teacher. He started class there on Monday morning, beside himself with happiness—in sharp contrast to the sad-looking little boy I had left the previous Friday in the “dungeon room.”

Leaving a smiling, happy little boy making new friends and delighting in this new phase of his life, I returned to my car. I sat there for a bit, and cried. Such a relief, knowing he would be in that wonderful school, that peaceful atmosphere. “So why am I crying?” I asked myself. Well, it was every mother’s right, wasn’t it, to cry when her youngest goes off to school? So I let the tears flow for a few minutes, and when they slowed, I started the car again. But, hesitating, I realized that there was something else. I didn’t know what. Just…something. So, I sat there a little while longer, not really thinking about anything. And then I knew. I just knew. I don’t know how. I don’t remember “hearing” any “words.” I just knew. I would have to give him back. I would outlive my son. I didn’t know when, or how…or why. I just knew. Strangely, I felt almost at peace again, and remembered the night before he was born. After a few more minutes, I looked out the car window, up at the gleaming blue tropical sky, and said “Okay God, You are really going to have to help me with this one, You know that don’t you? I can’t do this alone.”

I never told anyone of this, not even Mike’s dad, and I never actually “thought” of it again, not the words anyway, until Mike got sick with cancer, 24 years later. Mike had a quite a few “close calls” in his life—an almost fatal reaction to penicillin when he was 1 ½, saved by his sister from drowning at 2, saved again by the same sister from nearly falling off of a 1,000’ high cliff on Guam, rescued by his wife after falling off of a cliff in the middle of the night while camping in New Hampshire, taking off for California with nothing more than a backpack, to “find himself,” and realizing that “himself” was right back where he started, and thankfully, returning home—just 2 weeks before his first grand mal seizure, and finally, being hit by a trailer truck at 60 miles an hour while not wearing a seat belt. But, most importantly, nearly giving up his soul when he was in his mid-20’s. Like many of you have said about your own precious child, Mike seemed to know that he had to live as fast as he could—he did more in his 31 years than his dad and I together have done in our lifetimes. His “rebellious years” were few, but mighty—didn’t even start til he was in his early 20’s!. A few times, his dad said “No more. He needs to be out on his own.” But, each time, I said “No, we need to be here for him. He has a job, he is earning his way, he’s not ‘living off of us,’ so let him be for now.” Whenever I prayed for Mike throughout his life—the good years and those not so good ones—I always prayed that God would keep him safe and close to His side. Even when Mike went through his “I don’t need God” years, and actually turned his back on God—walked away—I prayed that God would still watch over him, love him, and steer him gently and quietly back to His side.. And He did. Because God knew, all along, that this was going to happen. I don’t believe that God made Mike’s cancer happen—I believe that God knew that it was Mike’s destiny to leave this earth early on, and He answered our prayers by making sure that Mike was in His graces once again, and close by to his family, where he would need to be, when he fell ill. Mike tried to buck out of the saddle many times, and just as many times, God found a way to hoist him back into it—redirecting Mike’s path, sending him back to his destined point of departure—here with his family, when he would leave us for his Heavenly home at the age of 31. Shortly before, and then after Mike passed away, we heard from so many people, those we knew and some we never met, of how at some point in their lives, Mike had influenced them in some positive way, changing their attitude, teaching them about acceptance, appreciation, and in a couple of cases, had actually saved their lives. Mike’s heart was open to everyone, and he had apparently served his purpose here on earth—he led people to a higher level; and when the time came, God was there to lead him home, to his own higher level.

[517958]

I have a question for you Indigos and I hope it’s not offensive or a terrible question to ask but it’s been rolling about in my head and I want to know what you think.

First a little background – My friend got a divorce about 3 years ago. She’s now remarried with a baby on the way. Since my daughter passed away, she’s been comparing my loss a lot to her divorce. She can never hear me be sad or complain about the fact that my baby is gone without mentioning her divorce. For example, my other “friend” sent me a braggy Christmas letter that actually had a paragraph on how wonderful her summer was with all the fabulous memories that she made. My Charlotte died on 7/6/11 so that felt like a stab in the heart and I felt it was insensitive for her to send that to me. When I mentioned it to my friend, she again compared it to when she was getting a divorce and was sent Christmas cards with pictures of families.

I suppose I should just not confide in her about it anymore because she’ll never understand about losing a child. But then I wonder, do I not understand about her and her divorce? Is she telling me I wasn’t supportive when she was getting a divorce? I don't know what to say to her when she says those things because I've never gotten one. So are there any Indigos that have also had a divorce and how does it compare? I’m sure every divorce, like every child loss, is different but just looking for your thoughts on this because it’s been bothering me...

[ericasmom]

Carol, I have read that story and read it again today, so pretty, and so well written. Thanks for sharing.

Ruby, the divorce was hard of course, it was an ending, but nothing like the loss of Eri. Eri was 9 or so when her dad and I divorced, she and jOnathan were angry at me, I wanted out of the marriage, but again, nothing close to this loss, the loss of a child. THe woman you speak of may never have had a trauma I guess, but I think setting her straight in a very nice way might be useful to you both. You can say, you know, that divorce really was hard on you and I don't think I knew how hard, but please don't equate a choice of leaving something to the death of my Child as they are apples and oranges really. Not-comparable.

[Guest msnher]

Divorce is hard, no doubt about it, but there is no comparison between divorce and the death of a child. None. Both your friends are being insensitive. I'm sure it's insensitivity born of ignorance, but it's still insensitive. We have "Oh, no, you didn't just say that" list. My own motto is "God forgive the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid."

[hotrod]

Hi Angela

I have not experienced a divorce, however I have experienced the death of a spouse of 24 years, and the death of both my parents. I can assure you the pain of all three did not compare to the loss of my son Stephen.

I do believe people who have not walked in these shoes cannot comprehend. I have only found the understanding and compassion I need from my Indigo family

I am glad you found us.

[mikesmum]

I remember way back early in this journey reading about a mum who compared her daughter going away to college to the grief of losing a child. CRAP!

I have been divorced, lost my next husband to a brain injury, lost both parents and a nephew and nothing absolutely nothing compared to the agony of 'never seeing my son again'.

Lorri ~ my dear friend. I remember thinking that Mike was taken because I was enjoying life way too much. It was a time where I had found someone after 10yrs, where my kids and grandkids were for all intense purposes happy, where I was doing a job I loved and after a scare was given a clean bill of health.

I don't think (me personally) that being away from bio dad's is cause for losing your child. I have also been told, here, earlier that my son was taken because I loved him more than God.. That didn't sit well with me.

Carol ~ my tears fall as I read your account of Mikes birth and that feeling you got as he turned 5. Such strength of faith, strength of character and never ending love pours from your post.

Betty ~ great to see Stephen again. I remember when my dad died after 30yrs of marriage. Mum's depth of grief was palpable. However it paled when nearly 20yrs later she lost her grandson....my nephew, something she never recovered from.

Very tired today the events of last night have hit harder than I imagined.

Muttley turned 5 yesterday....one more marker, but one very special puppy.

Trudi

[robyn]

Angela,

We all have friends like this, the "you think THAT's bad" storytellers. Some of us call this "flat brain syndrome". Nothing is as bad as what happened to them. I don't think they mean to be insensitive...maybe just young?

I just tune these out. There is enough going on- no need to give this any control over one's emotions.

5 weeks today.

[ericasmom]

Robyn, 5 weeks, a difficult time period for me as I was returning to work. I tech third grade and Eri died in the summer, still on break and as the summer wore on after her death, I felt unsure as to working again but I tried and it was good. I needed to have a purpose to attend to each day. It was hard as the shock and lack of sleep made it difficult to have energy but it was what really helped me see that there was still a life I needed to live. I love the photo you posted here, what a pretty woman your Girl is.

Happy 5th birthday Mr. Muttley Sir, and thank you for helping take care of my dear friend.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - Much discussion on God and beliefs as I read posts tonight.....I respect each person's views and feelings as I do with all that we say here......I do believe in God, I do not have the answer to WHY it was my Jessica's time or any other child's time, I do not understand the horrible things that happen in this world, I do not understand what one human can do to another human....I only know (as I have said before) that I believe your time is sealed the moment you are born and there is nothing that can be changed about that, I believe God has chosen your exact time BUT NOT the way you will leave this world.......I have no answer's for any of you who are struggling with the GOD issue I only know what I believe - My Jessica is with God and she is at peace and happy and that is how I go on. I remember someone once telling me "Kathy, if God could stand in front of you and tell you WHY he took Jessica would it make it all better???" - the answer is NO, it would not make anything about this horrible journey better so....I no longer ask "WHY" outloud again ... Any way, just saying

Dee - thanks, yes Tavian is much more relaxed about things as he gets older....He is slowly outgrowing his Mi-MI, things that I had to do with him before he now does not want....like walking hand in hand across a parking lot into a store...and def not saying I love you in front of friends, etc.....but I knew these days would come and I am taking it one day at a time as he moves ever too quickly into the pre-teen years....

Trudi - yes my friend it all comes back when the need arises, as though you never missed a beat....What you and Mal did is amazing in my eyes and I am thankful you were able to go into "work mode" and save that boys life... Hope you get the chance to take a nice walk with Sir Muttley and calm the nerves...

Angela - I have not had a divorce but I do know that there is nothing in this world that hurts worse than losing a child....there is no comparing it to anything.......There are people in this world who have to "make it all about me" no matter what...She has NO IDEA of the depth of your pain as she has not lost a child and although it has been said so many times "no one can ever understand untill they have been there".....I do agree that you should politely let your friend know how you feel and if she is truely your friend she will embrace you and remain your friend...

I am praying for the woman who lost her 3 daughters and parents and for all others who have lost a loved one...God Bless

[rose20]

Morning to you all.

It is almost 6am here. Just wondering how you all are and how you got through your Christmas.

After everyone came and went we went by the grave site as we always do.

My little granddaughter who is only 4 years old came in with a bag of presents she had bought for us with her own money and she pulled out a gift for my son, she said it was for him. It was golden bow ornaments for "his tree" she said. How thoughtful that a little child would remember my son.

This made my Christmas so very special.

[Guest msnher]

Beautiful Rose!

Kathy, I am so glad you had an enjoyable Christmas with memories of Jessica aplenty!

For every explanation or idea I have about God I can come up with an exception. What I DO believe is that it is essential for people who have been raised with such a black and white doctrine of who God is to be able to hash it all out while we walk through grief. i am grateful we are free to do that here.

Before foster homes, while living in anarchy, abuse and neglect, as a young child I longed for God. I can't explain it except that I went to churches all by myself. Dirty, often shoeless, foul mouthed...I sought. My sisters and I were put in the custody of the LDS church (Mormons). My first foster home was so abusive. I knew it was because I was bad and got molested that God hated me and I had to prove to him I was a good girl so he would give back my mother and sisters. THAT pain, by the way, was similar to how it felt when Stephanie died. I had a real Jesus, born again, experience at the age of 27...saw the proverbial light, felt the love etc. I became a bible thumpin', Jesus savin' Christian. I rejected Christianity and the bible (not Jesus) after several experiences. Mostly, this slightly psychic ability I have to see dead people. They were telling me it was Satan and I knew better. Oddly enough, I rejected the bible for the same reason Dee and I disagree on our idea of God and heaven. I couldn't believe in a God who was so vindictive and mean. All my life there has been this insistent yearning to know my Creator. I had an out of body experience when I was three years old. I was being raped by my father and my spirit separated from my body and hovered in the corner of the ceiling watching it happen. No one else was there...no angel, no guide, no ancestor...just a little girl. I can't explain that. When I was ten and in the abusive foster home, I often felt my grandfather's spirit with me. That was my first, ever, contact with the departed. I also can't explain that...why when I was ten and not when I was three. Maybe because when I was ten I really was all alone...and when I was three my mother and sister walked in on the attack and took care of me.

I would have another "saw the light, felt the love" experience when my grandchildren were stolen. They had been missing for a few months, Stephanie was back on drugs and I was devastated. I sat outside, about two in the morning, sobbing, and a light came to me. It enveloped me and "hugged" me. I got such a feeling of "all is well". That experience carried me until we found my grandchildren. Well, all certainly was not well! They had been raped and abused...tortured for over a year. I was pissed at the divine! How dare he/she comfort me while I have a safe place to live and food in my belly while these innocent children suffered! I believe all of heaven's powers were unleashed to help us help them. I also have no answer for that except that we would have never got them back unless their abuse had been so apparent (over 200 pictures of their battered bodies). Before that the children made up lies for how they got the bruises. But that day there wasn't a lie big enough to cover the injuries. Mariah shares the story of the last night they were beaten so badly...."I was in bed crying, Grandma, and Jesus came to me. He told me not to cry because this would be the last time we were ever hurt. He said he had it all taken care of." The next day they were removed from that house.

Did Jesus really come to her? I believe it. But, he never came to me when I was a child. And, yet, I sought him. I sought God with such fervor my whole life. I've had angelic visits - yep...seen them. I've met Brian, Kourtney, Little Zachy, Micheal, Michelle, and others. Yet, I have a hard time feeling my own daughter's presence.

I have no answers for anything. But, I think it's good to question....I don't know that we ever get exact answers....but, maybe we get peace.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom no time for spell check. I have a little girl waiting to cuddle.

[ericasmom]

Rose, it is the heart of a CHILD that brings us the miracles of love, of peace. Bless her.

[Guest msnher]

Honest, honest, honest...my intention is never to offend anyone here. I hope I haven't!

[hotrod]

Dear Susannah

Being honest and sharing your heart, and soul is what makes you so special!!!. I am enriched by knowing you as an fellow Indigo and appreciate your insight and struggle. I am so sorry that your early childhood was so very difficult and I am filled with Hope when I witness your journey

Like all my indigo family you are a treasure and unique

Keep sharing and caring

[Guest msnher]

Bless you, Betty! I'm glad my experience fills you with hope. That is the only reason I share it. I have long since healed from it and learned. As everyone knows, I am strong and opinionated (and a tad outspoken) The problem is my opinions are constantly chanaging! LOL

[517958]

Thank you so much for responding about child death vs. divorce. I agree, that there really can't be anything worse. I lost my dad when I was 19 and it is no comparison even though at the time I was devastated. I’ve been thinking that there has to be no comparison to choose to divorce someone with (I’m assuming) the intent that your life will eventually be better without that person. Nobody would CHOOSE to lose your child (unless you’re Casey Anthony or the like). But this person constantly comparing this to her divorce was making me wonder if I was going crazy or was highly insensitive when she was going through it. I don’t think I was as supportive as I could have been when she was going through her divorce. I had just had my 2^nd baby and was adjusting to that but I could have done more for her or reached out more. Now she doesn’t reach out to me and I think she might be “getting back” at me for it by ignoring me as maybe she thinks I did her during that time. Ultimately, I think I’m a lot more sensitive to pain now because I didn’t even really understand that pain like this existed before I lost my Char. All I can do now is recognize that pain like this does exist and try to reach out more instead of getting wrapped up in myself and what’s going on in my life.

I don’t know if I’ll say anything to her or not. It’s not something she can understand anyway and maybe her only frame of reference for pain is her divorce. I’ll just pray that she never has to know this pain.

[ericasmom]

Char's Mom, I am glad that you realize that your experience is unlike a divorce, there is no comparison except that they are both losses...as far as saying anything to your friend, it may or may not matter. One of my oldest friends, we met when we were 11, is someone I hardly can be with anymore due to her comparing my loss of Eri to a man that left her, and this man by the way was a creep, had many girlfriends, and she is married to boot! So really? Now I know that she is ill, always has been fragile and self-consumed but the first two years of grieving, she called sometimes 5 times a day to discuss this ugly man with me over her tears. My fault for not knowing at the time how to say, " ENOUGH already, no more of your tears over a man for Goodness sake, I LOST MY DAUGHTER!" A few years later I found my voice and since then we have not been as close because I tell her what I think and she does not take kindly to it. Don't blame her, but since Erz died, I have no time for anything but truth and sometimes it is harsh. I hope that she will never know the sadness we have but for heaven's sake, she has kids and she knew my Daughter for 19 years. Does your friend also know your Daughter and still compares it to her divorce? If so, I would say that her inability to be empathetic is even more disturbing.

[Guest msnher]

The people I thought would be there weren't.

When Stephanie first died, I kept trying to find a familiar pain to associate it with. I had overcome so much, I wanted to know I could get through this, too. Before Stephanie's death, the most painful event in my life was the first year in foster homes. That's what I related to. I didn't mean to say losing a child was the same. It isn't. But, that was painful too.

I like what you said, Char's mom, about recognizing that pain does exist and being more compassionate. I went too far the other way at first....brought strangers home to eat...giving away all our savings to charity, etc. I think we can care AND protect ourselves.

[Guest msnher]

I am reading "Into the Light: real life stories of angels..." by (Dr John Lerma) I am mesmerized by it...only a few chapters in. I highly recommend it.

[robyn]

Dee, Thank you. She is beautiful, isn't she? But it is her spirit that truly shines. Her faith and trust in God made her such a champion and a rock for the family.

As for struggling with the question of God...I was so full of rage, and so angry at Him at first. WHY did you take her? I don't ask that anymore- I know it is His decision, and just as Chrissy would always ask: What is He trying to tell you? What does He want you to learn? I was driven to the book of Job, and read for myself what He was trying to say "WHO are YOU to question Me? Did YOU create everythibng you see? Did YOU create HER?" This is not our "real" life- this misery-laden, painful, worrisome, and SHORT life is just our prelude to what He has planned for us. He does not create our pain, nor is He responsible for it, but He CAN use it to direct our decisions.

I was "born again" many years ago, but totally unaware of what that really meant. Last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My husband and kids were concerned, and the two girls more so. To be diagnosed with such a disease, with NO familial history and at a relatively young age (59) doesn't always mean a good outcome over time, and we, as medical people, knew this. I told all of them that God would not take me unless He knew they would be OK. Chrissy and I talked about how she would have to be the strong one and take care of the family. Well, now I am having to live with my own advice. Over this past year, I have grown closer to Him and I know Him as my Father in the truest meaning of the word. As much as I love Chrissy, He loves her more and she belongs to Him far more than she ever belonged to me. I try, but cannot imagine, what she is seeing and experiencing right now. And she earned it. My pain and my tears are for myself, but I believe He understands and I never feel Him closer than when I am alone and give in to that pain.

He never meant this for us. He wanted our love and planned a wonderful life for us. He used to walk with Adam in the garden in the afternoon- can you just imagine that? But we wanted to know good AND evil and to "be as gods". Unexpected consequences, I guess. But He has given us a way out through His Son, if we just take it. My son and daughter, Chrissy's husband, dad and I have made our decision- we want to be with her forever and with God. We have decided to learn from this and not disappoint her. Chrissy prayed, every day, for her family, that we would learn to live for Him and that we would be together for eternity. We won't let her down.

[lolynbo]

WELL MONTY SICK WITH TUMMY BUG..."HES DYING"......

HAVING MY SURGERY REDONE JAN 11TH...JUST GONNA DO IT MAYBE I WILL FEEL AND LOOK BETTER AND BE INSPIRED TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF ME...

NO PLANS FOR NYE....WE NEVER GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING...

THINKING OF ALL YAL WITH THE NEW YEAR COMING YET ANOTHER YEAR WITH OUT OUR BABIES

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah: I thank you for sharing the stories that were a part of your formation. You have been formed, by yourself, into a wonderful creature, giving love and compassion. Confusion and contradictions are only realized by us when we realize that we are not perfect; that sometimes what we say or think can either be said or thought in another way, and recognizing that in itself is a huge accomplishment, and being able to talk about it puts you above and beyond any reproach that might come your way. You are a loving, kind, compassionate, giving person, who is not perfect. Who among us is? I love you, just the way you are.

Char's mom: I agree with what others have said regarding your "friend," and I agree with how you feel you want to handle it. It is very difficult for those not on this path to understand, as we all here know, but sometimes as Dee has said, we need to separate ourselves from those people/things that cannot be part of our lives any longer.

Trudi: Happy birthday, SIR Muttley Dog! Did you give him a special bone for the day?

Dee: I am so glad that you and John had a nice anniversary day planned, and I hope that all went as expected. Having met your sweet husband, I know that he likely did all that he could to bring it about just as planned. Happy anniversary to a very, very special couple!

Rose: I love the golden bow ornaments your sweet little granddaughter brought for your son. How special she must be!

I know that this has been a rough Christmas for many here who are new to this journey, and also for some who have been traveling it for a while now. Christmas, just like any other "special" day and also any day in our lives, will never be the same for us. How can it be? A piece of us is missing and will never be returned to us on this earth. However, I must say to those new here, that over time, it does get a little softer. The memories we have in our hearts encourage us to make new ones, as we have others in our lives who love us and who we love, and the need is there to fill...to love, to be with, to make new memories with. Our angels thrive on seeing us live our lives. This is what they want us to do. Hard as it may be sometimes, they appreciate every little effort that we make, and they also understand any time when even the smallest effort is beyond our ability to make at that moment.

I have read a book called "We Are Their Heaven," by Allison DuBois. She is a medium, from out in the midwest. I actually didn't read the book, I listened to the cd's of it and it made a huge difference for me as far as knowing that Mike is around us all the time, everywhere. I have a woman who I was best friends with for 49 years, and she died of cancer 2 years after Mike died. She had a son who was 31 when she died. They had been very close as it was always just the two of them. He had moved out of their house, and into a house with his girlfriend, but he and his mom remained close. When they knew his mom was going to die, it was very, very hard on him. Rita asked me to allow him to listen to the cd's, which I did, and he told me when he returned them that he was so grateful for having read them, as he would have missed many of the signs that he feels his mom has sent to him since her death. The very first one came the night of her service. On the way out, in the parking lot, he happened to look up and see a car driving by out on the street. He noticed the license plate. "RLM" His mom's name is Rita Louise Mackin. He called me the next day to tell me about it and again thanked me for having been instrumental in his reading this book. Our loved ones send us signs, sometimes we see them, and sometimes we don't. If we don't, it doesn't mean that they are not there. I don't know why we don't see them when we don't, but eventually you will see something. It may be a dream, a sign on a billboard, a license plate, a weird happening with lights or any other thing that they are instrumental in doing for us. I don't know the answers to why. I just know that our angels are with us, always.

Our Christmas was fairly quiet, though we enjoyed it. Cathi, Jamie, Davis and Mike's two older boys were here for dinner. Things had been kind of hectic what with Mike being in the hospital last week, and appointments with doctors, etc., so Jamie suggested that instead of doing the traditional turkey dinner with all the fixings, we have spaghetti and meatballs. Best idea I've heard in a long time. Everyone enjoyed it, Cathi made a huge buffet style salad and then we had the spaghetti with meatballs and Italian bread. The clean up was quick and simple. The next, Mike's boys went up to his memorial site to pay their respects. They hadn't been able to be here when we put his wreath together, so they were able to see that, also.

This past day and night have not been quite so easy or simple. Yesterday afternoon, Mike started vomiting again. After three episodes, I called the oncologist (the local one, whom we had met with the day before), and he said to bring him in to the ER right away. When we got there, Mike’s heart rate was 178. Even when he was really heavy, he never had any problems with his heart. Of course, they took him right in and the doctors were actually waiting in the room for him to come in. The got him started him on some meds by IV to bring the rate down. Of course, they had to be careful, because his blood pressure was already down to 80/60. They gave him some med that begins with an A, and that worked right away, but only for a few minutes. Up it shot again, to 176, and hovered between 160 and 175. They gave him a different med, and that worked for a little bit longer (like 10 minutes or so) and then it shot up again. So, they of course, meantime were going nuts trying to find veins for the iv’s and he was in so much pain from it all. So, they decided to do the shock treatment. They did it but the first two did nothing. They did the third, which he felt a LOT (he hadn’t felt the first two at all---they had sedated him somewhat), and it came down again. However, again, it only stayed down for a brief time, though longer this time than before. His lab readings were not very good, with the anemia leading the pack in worrisome, so they gave him a transfusion. Although, to me this seemed weird, because they took at least as much blood out as they were putting in! So, they admitted him to ICU to try to get everything worked out to some semblance of normal. I guess the blood transfusion helped, because this morning his count was up to 9.3, which it has not been that high in almost ten years, usually running just over 8, or just under. (I think the norm for this lab is 10, but not sure) They also said his magnesium was very low and that that could have an impact on the heart rate. They have done SO many blood tests, along with IV placements, and it is hurting him so much. We will be so glad when they get the port installed. They were going to find a vein in his neck, but couldn’t find one. They even brought in the ultra sound to find one in his arm, but that did not help much. Also, while in the ER, his temperature went to 102.7. I have been coming down with a cold, and it seemed that he might be also, as he became very hoarse and stuffed up, but it seemed to be gone this morning, but not for me. Terrible head cold...can’t take any over the counter cold meds, of course, due to the heart stuff, so am resigned to just using tylenol and a saline mister for the stuffiness. I did pick up some menthol drops. Of course, now when I go back, I will have to wear a mask. Difficult to do, as it makes my glasses fog up! Sorry for my going on, but it is difficult to shorten something that is wrapped around you ten times in the all-encompassing way that spending the night in the ER with your hubby, watching them trying to bring him around to normal, over and over again, can do.

Again, I come to you all for prayers and good thoughts for him/us. He does seem to be doing somewhat better tonight, but the heart rate will not stay down unless he is medicated, which of course, threatens to lower the blood pressure, which it has done a couple of times. We have discussed with the doctor the potential for his malnutritioned status to have an impact on the electrolytes, and they agreed that likely that is the cause of all of this, so they are working to bring them in line again, and working out a way to keep it that way.

love to all of you, my indigo family. I enjoyed the pics that some of you have posted, and as usual, you ALL are in my heart and my prayers every day.

[Guest msnher]

Prayers for all of you, Carol!

I take back my recommendation of Into the light. It is quite biased....and I am now angry instead of comforted.

[mikesmum]

Carol ~ You never cease to amaze me with your ability to reach out and comfort others while carrying you own enormous load. I hope you and Mike are able to rest awhile before the next round in this merry go round you seem to be on.

Dee ~ Hope the anniversary (which I have to admit I missed) went well. I agree with Carol, having met your man I can only believe it was a great time.

On the subject of those who I thought would be there.

When I joined my job I had a trainer named Jo-Ann. From day one we clicked. She in fact introduced me to my husband (not sure that was such a good thing, but anyhew). Her kids were about 10yrs younger than mine. Many thought we were sisters, we had similar colouring, enjoyed similar things and shared for the most part our deepest secrets. She wasn't working the day Mike died. A couple of days after Mike died I wanted to hear the tape. I was denied access. She was a manager and in that capacity she listened to the call. I was devestated. She apologised offering to cater for after Mikes service.

Things were still strained in the next weeks. I wasn't taking calls or answering sms's. I just wanted to sleep to be alone. A few weeks later she called Mal. Angry that I hadn't returned her calls she told him she would email me. The email berrated me for being 'less than a friend'. She was experiencing her own 'trauma' and when she needed me I wasn't there.

I did reply. I explained that I just didn't have anything to give. I told her even my own family were suffering from me being lost. Her reply was more of the same. "After all she had done, all she had meant to my family that I could treat her this way". I deleted the message and her contact details.

I later found out that the trauma was one of her daughters who was around 17 was pregnant, unmarried. Her other daughter had already taken that path so I must admit I didn't see the similarities to having Mike die, never being able to see his daughter and an unmarried mother. Selfish I know, but that's how I roll

The New Year is bearing down on us like a frieght train. Mal is working, a shocking time to be in emergency services. I will be here with my trusty pup watching old movies and eating chocolate (only till midnight)

Well the sun is shining and after the rain comes the grass so hi ho hi ho its off to mow I go...

[Guest msnher]

Trudy - Ditto on what you said to Carol!

I have diagnosed my problem, y'all.......I have the "Talk now, think later" disease. It gets me in more trouble...............

I'm going to bed.

[ericasmom]

Carol, your sweet care of everyone is like a wonderful blanket that wraps around all of us, even us OLDIES. In the meantime, you are wrapped in the hell-ish return to the hospital watching your Sweet Mike (Ralph) undergo so many difficulties adn I am sorry for all of that. It must be very hard on you both to be there right now, and you with a cold. The head cold is going around here like crazy. Why is it that Ralph's heart rate is high but blood pressure low? I guess I put them together somehow to be high one way, high the other.Mixed up electrolytes can do some funky stuff I know so I hope that they settle that and find ways to keep his heart rate steady and comfortable. I am assuming that you will sleep on a cot in his room tonight? Try to sleep when you can Dear One, prayers are flowing your way, like a river of light.

Trudi, that friend, I remember her from when you first arrived at this place. She could not handle your issues, your pain, they became more important than she herself and she was jealous of your grief it seems. While it is painful to say goodbye to a friend, it is sometimes quite necessary for your own soul and spirit.

Lorri, you make me laugh, husband has the flu so he's 'dying'

As far as our Anniversary? We had a tremendous day, took a guided walk in the local woods with about 15 others, it was mud mud mud, so we were dressed appropriately and did not worry about being muddy, we saw huge evidence of beavers chewing their way through the river bank's trees, and the tunnels they dig to enter and exit land into water and visa-versa...mind you I have seen all this on my solitary walks over th eyears but it was great fun to do so with my Hubs. We saw several deer, two hawks and just some pretty grasses and river scenes. After the walk we went home and changed out of mud boots into shoes and went to the 3:15 show of Girl with a Dragon Tattoo. It was well done, but if you don't like explicit scenes, do not go see it. After the movie, which was LONG, 2hr.40 min, we walked down the street for a casual dinner. It was a fabulous day, simply lovely.

I do like winter break so much, it is a time to really recharge for the busy time that we return to afterwards. Today I had to get my mamogram in the city and then back to my doc here to get my flu shot and some antibiotics for a condition that keeps being inflamed...impetigo. So now home and full from dinner, I need to work on this disaster of an office, I need to begin my thank you cards to my students, I need to grade papers...but I may just sit and watch television. Again, without a schedule I feel comfy putting my feet up for a bit.

[Guest msnher]

Oh. My. God. It was like a dam burst and all the pain, tears and silent screams came out. They did so without my permission and fortunately I was hidden in my room, but good grief! Two full hours of sobbing. It was like the old days...screaming into my pillow...laying prostate on the bathroom hugging a towel to my mouth while that gutteral sound escaped from the pit of my gut. I'm totally exhausted and sick to my stomach now. I used to do that everyday almost all day.....it's been a while since I've even let myself really cry.

No matter what I believe God to be or where I believe she is, I will never be okay with my daughter's death.

[Guest msnher]

Oh - Carol, I'm reading "We are their heaven" by Alison Dubois right now - a definite advantage to kindle. I wish I were there with you, Carol. I wish I were there.

[JD's Mom, Becky]

Susannah,

I feel your pain. You just described me, but I haven't broken down everyday, but when I do, I try to find time to be alone, usually early in the morning before anyone else is awake. I know all my family is hurting, but I don't think anyone else feels the pain of it like a mother for her child. The other way I relate to you is the horror of their deaths, your Stephanie, my Jared, and so many others that are here. I believe that Jared is with God, and that I will see him again someday, but I don't understand why he had to die such a horrible death. Maybe it was so quick they didn't know anything, but I think we feel the pain for them in that moment, and our hearts are torn as their bodies were torn. Nobody can understand that anguish unless they have been through it.

Love,

Becky

Oh. My. God. It was like a dam burst and all the pain, tears and silent screams came out. They did so without my permission and fortunately I was hidden in my room, but good grief! Two full hours of sobbing. It was like the old days...screaming into my pillow...laying prostate on the bathroom hugging a towel to my mouth while that gutteral sound escaped from the pit of my gut. I'm totally exhausted and sick to my stomach now. I used to do that everyday almost all day.....it's been a while since I've even let myself really cry.

No matter what I believe God to be or where I believe she is, I will never be okay with my daughter's death.

[ericasmom]

Here is a song that allows my tears, invites them each time I hear it. I believe those tears are better out than in, they pour out to make room sometimes for more but also to make room for goodness.

[robyn]

Susannah,

None of us can ever be "alright" with losing a child. Especially those of us who are mothers. We carried that child within us, bathed, changed diapers, kissed the booboos, heard the first laugh and the first word, and watched the first step. I had my girl for 33 years and watched her grow into an amazing young woman. I learned far more from HER than she ever learned from me. I had a long talk with her husband yesterday. Chrissy's dad and I had already guessed that our Christmas present was going to be her telling us that she was pregnant again, and I was right- she had gone off the pill. I felt my heart break all over again.

I have had a best friend for 45 years. She lost her son to leukemia when he was 7 years old- about a year older than Chrissy at the time. I wondered to myself over and over, through all these years, HOW did you live, maintain your sanity and go on after losing a child? She has always been an amazing person and is to this day. She founded a shelter for the parents of children who were in the hospital with cancer, and worked for a long time with the Wish foundation. She's worked around those kids since Jason died. She now has pancreatic cancer and I will be losing her soon, too. Another beautiful presence gone. She has lived her life for God, always knowing that she would be with her son again, and she is without fear. I envy her.

Susannah, I know well the pain you talk about. I'm alone here at night while my husband works and it is one of the times that I talk to her- and to God- and I am still overtaken with those horrible shaking sobs that make your ribs hurt. I miss her more than I EVER thought I could miss anyone and I hurt in my heart and in my soul. I know that none of us can ever be ok with losing a child, but I am ok knowing where she is and just beyond my sight. I know, without a doubt, that she hears me everytime I tell her I love her, and I am good with knowing that I will be with her again. I have learned to trust in Him and it has sustained me and our family. This is the "hope" that we always talk about, but usually don't understand very well.

5 weeks, 2 days.

[ericasmom]

Robyn, I am glad that you have that knowing that you will see Chrissy again and that she hears you. I too believe that and I speak pretty freely with ERz each day and she is upon my lips as I drift to sleep each night. I am sorry that your friend is dying, I know that she has shed the light of her little Boy all these years and her light will shine on through you and others whose lives have been lifted by her incredible spirit.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

End of the year....uggh!! I'm in medical billing and it is absolutely stressful right now, all payments MUST be posted even if it means we are here until 9 pm, blech! And to top it off, I woke up this morning with a terrible pain in my neck, so bad it is making me sick to my stomach, so I'm off to get a neck massage in a little while and hopefully that will help. I am sure the work stress is a contributing factor! I have taken vacation time in a couple weeks so I am looking forward to that, I don't take much time off and I need to do that more often, seems like keeping my mind busy is better for me than wandering around the house,

Keeping all Indigos lifted up in thoughts/prayers, especially Carol and family. Trudi, I am envious of your summer days right now. Dear Susannah, I have those meltdowns too, I don't know that they will ever completely stop, it seems as though I do well for awhile but then it overwhelms me (and I break down in private also) Hugs to you. Angela, I love the pic of your precious Char, her happy spirit just leaps out from my computer screen, my girl passed on 7/5/09 so we kind of have that in common. July 4th was always my favorite holiday and so I struggle with that, because now it is forever tainted as Brianna's last day, but I think of her as the brightest firework in the night sky.

Love and peace to all, Jenn

[mikesmomrs]

Oh, Dee.....lead me to that river if you ever find it...tears...

[ericasmom]

Carol, if I could I would take you to that river and float you on a raft until your spirit was calm and filled by the knowledge of Mike's being right there with you and his Daddy. He can't make it different, only let you know that he is not far at all, loving you both from his place among heaven.

[ericasmom]

looking through some old journals and tablets:

Swear to you that time does not erase love

that which you give nor that which you receive.

And so throughout this storm, turbulent as it may be-

my love for you is steady as is yours for me.

dee for Bing '04'

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello Indigos...I have just read your posts from the past few days. My prayers and love are sent to all of you!

Carol...my goodness, you have so much on your plate to deal with... and now coming down with a cold yourself. Oh, I feel for Ralph so much. I wish I was closer to help you in any way that I could. Even if only just cooking meals, etc. You need to take care of yourself right now as well. Make sure you are taking vitamins and drinking juice. And do not take Aleve! I am on heart meds and blood pressure pills as well. I was sick as a dog when I took Aleve one time. Not the right mix with my meds.

Hoping for a more comfortable and peaceful day for your entire family. (HUGS)

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

On a slightly brighter note. For anyone living in northern climes...we are supposedly having one of the most spectacular northern light displays of all time over the next few nights. Huge storms taking place on the sun are about to take place. The lights are expected to be particularly vivid. Keep your fingers crossed for a clear night. Dee..get that camera out!

[hotrod]

Dear Carol

You and Mike/Ralph are in my thoughts and prayers. I know that Mike and all our Imdigo Angels will surround you with the warmth of their love.

Beautiful thoughtful Poem my good friend, Dee

[mikesmum]

I'm so hard to handle

I'm selfish and I'm sad

Now I've gone and lost the best baby

That I ever had

Oh I wish I had a river

I could skate away on

I wish I had a river so long

I would teach my feet to fly

Dee - The words your write, the music you choose speaks to the very heart of those here.

Carol ~ My dear friend. So close to a New Year my hope for you is that the journey becomes easier. The love and connection between you and that man of yours is something so strong. Prayers always.

None of us can ever be "alright" with losing a child

I remember someone telling me that after losing Mike I would find a new normal. I was also told part of the stages of grief included 'acceptance'. Well its coming up to 5yrs and yes there is a new normal if you like. It bares little resembalance to my old normal, in fact it flys in the face of what I held to be true for over 50yrs. As for acceptance...nope.

One ponderance I have had of late is how before losing Mike I probably without knowing was someone who might have made it to the 'oh no you didn't just say that' book.

Till you have this depth of loss you won't understand the far reaching affects. When you do understand you wish you didn't.

[Guest msnher]

Just sending light and love with a special prayer for Ralph and Carol!

[lolynbo]

CAROL HUGGS TO YOU AND RALPHIE. MANY ANGEL PRAYERS HEADED YOUR WAY

[summergirl]

Dee - "sure wish I had a river I could skate away on" - beautiful song - I always liked Joni Mitchell

Carol - you poor thing, you have been through so very much and I sure wish I could take some of the load off of your shoulders even if just for a little while.....Praying for you and your sweet Ralph and holding you close.

Trudi - I have a feeling I was probably one of those who would have made it into the "oh no you did not just say that" book too....

It has been a quiet time around this house this week....being on vacation together has been nice. Tree and all decorations are down and packed away in the attic....it is as though Christmas never was but I am ok with that, glad it is over. Hubby has a terrible cold and afraid he is sending it my way which I am not happy about....do not want to be sick while off work. It has been cold here today, only in the 30's and that is too cold for me....most of you know I am a summer girl..... Bring on the hot sunny weather !!

Many thoughts of my Jessica as always.....thinking of February coming at me like a freight train with no breaks....I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that it will be 6 years - NOT POSSIBLE...it has to be a mistake........Just want to hold her again, hear her sweet laugh, feel her hand in mine, watch her play with Tavian.....Oh so many things I want that can never be again.....So hold on I say, hold on to her memory and keep it alive.....make her smile with your strength.... Peace, Love and Strength to all of you my friends.....Kathy

[Guest msnher]

The air is calm right now, but we've had a full 24 hrs of harsh winds. Several semi/tractor/trailers blown over and the arches on McD's blew over, landing in the road. Luckily no cars were near (rare for that road).

[Guest msnher]

Diane, Rhonda, Susan - I woke with the three of you on my mind. I keep everyone close in thought and heart always, but sometimes a name(s) pop in with more force.

[crystalann]

One more day left in this year!

The one year mark is four days away.I have no idea what Im suppossed to do! I knew what to do on his birthday, but it doesnt seem right to anything on that day! I just want to skip that day and all the images in my head that come from that day.

So far this year I have lost my son and my best friend. Then separating from my husband.

I have been taking care of my stepdad for a few months now.He has been having trouble eating.I really thought it was the stress from Tylers death.

But I was so wrong! I took him for a scope of is throat and they found cancer! When they told me I couldnt stop crying and asked if they could wait to wake him to give me time to fall apart pull myself back together than go back inside.I am so tired I dont know how to do this. I will take him for a ct scam this morning to see how far it has spread. He just keeps saying I hope its nothing bad. :'(

He already has a pacer/ defib and very low blood preasure! I dont think he is strong enough for treatment!

I feel like Im faceing this alone he has no kids my mom is already gone and I just cant bring myself to ask my kids to help! I just feel so lost in this!

[westleysmom]

Crystal-I'm so sorry for all of your trouble. I know that sounds lame. When I saw that your post was first, I remembered that you were getting close to the first anniversary. I was where you are last year at this time, as far as dreading the day and not knowing what to expect. It was really hard for me and I relived the moments that happened that day with so many details that it could have been just the day before. I hope that you will be able to have some alone time that day and not feel like you have to be strong for everyone else even if its just for a little while. I keep telling myself now whenever its a holiday, birthday, anniversary, whatever kind of special day, that its just another day. He's not more gone than the day before or the day after, it's just another day that he is gone. Another day to get through, the best way I can. I will warn you that I expected the 2nd year to be easier and in some ways it has been, but in some ways it has not. I had come to believe the reality of his death by the end of year one, but believing the FINALITY of it is harder to get to. Sometimes I still pretend he's away and will be coming back. I know it isn't true, but that doesn't stop me from pretending. Hugs to you dear as you struggle to make it through the days and sending healing thoughts for your step-father's health

Susannah-I've been reading every day but haven't had much time to post. Thanks for thinking of me. This Christmas was a blur and I really tried to stay busy. It happened really quickly, but we found a house that CJ could live in and pay rent to us and we bought it last week. So the Christmas weekend was spent helping him move and changing light fixtures and cleaning and hauling off trash and stuff like that. It's not a fancy house, just two bedrooms one bath (black and pink ceramic tile, no less) and the kitchen is knotty pine walls and cabinets. It's very retro, but it is centrally located where my husband can pick CJ up for work in the mornings (he still doesn't have a car) and not have to go too far out of his way. CJ was very excited and while there's not much in it, my daughter had a washer that she wasn't using, so we put that in the basement. He had a bed and his clothes and personal stuff. I had given some dishes to another one of Chris's employees this summer when he was split from his wife, and they've gotten back together, so he gave those to CJ. We bought a matching small chest and nightstand that was missing a handle, but brand new when we bought a chair for the den last week, gave him the blue leather chair that didn't match our couch, and I found a couch at goodwill yesterday for $40 that was blue and tan. We gave him our old TV and got an antenna that you can use with a digital converter box without having cable. So he can get a couple of channels anyway. I know it doesn't probably sound like much, but he had nothing. It made Christmas different to be able to do something for somebody that didn't already have everything. It has made me realize more than ever that homeless people look like everybody else most of the time. That everybody doesn't have everything they need, even in the land of plenty. I hope it works out and he is able to live up to his end of the deal (pay rent and utilities, keep it relatively clean, let us know if anything goes wrong so it can be fixed, do most small maintenance himself) and we have talked to him about what we expect and what we do not expect. CJ was in jail when Westley died and he spent about 2 months in the workhouse last year when he missed a probation visit. I would like for him to never spend another night in jail and we are trying to show him that we believe that he doesn't have to if he does what he's supposed to do.

All of you have been in my thoughts every day though these holidays. You all give me strength to go on when I'm having a bad day. I am going to call Susan tomorrow, as Sunday will be the 2nd anniversary of Andrew's passing. I haven't talked to her much since she came and we went shopping a few weeks ago.

Betty, Bonnie, Carol (& Mike), Colleen, Dee, Kathy, Leah, Trudi, Diane, Susan, Dan, Greg, Amy, Betsy, Kate, Anybody I didn't list, (which says more about me being forgetful than anything else) Sending hugs to you all

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, so very good to see you here today and reading your post, I have tears. CJ is finding out what it means to be included, to be loved and to be respected through all of yours an your husband's efforts. HOw really wonderful that is. YOur comment about what you have learned ists squarely in my heart as it is so true, Homeless people look pretty much like everyone else, and we do have more and more as this economy disallows for folks to make ends meet. I am glad that you were busy through the holidays and that it gave you a purpose.

Crystal, it sounds as though you have too much to deal with and I am so sorry about that, your Step-dad being sick is very sad especially that he does not seem to know how sick he is. Would asking your kids for some assistance be out of the question and if so, are there friends of your step-dad that can assist in any way? You can also maybe get some services through his insurance or if he has medicare, just thinking in print here. I hate for you to burn yourself out as you have had a lot of emotional upheavel as it is. The anniversary is a mark of time and the lead up to it is usually the hardest part. The replays and the what-ifs are pretty constant for most of us, but the next day is a new day and somehow or another, you will put one foot in front of the other and find your way. Each year at anniversary time, I do have a huge gathering as that just fit with how Eri left, in the midst of so many, but maybe having a small group of friends to toast Your Boy might feel like you are not alone in this anniversary. I will pray that you find the strength you need and that some support comes your way as well. IT is very hard to do this all on your own.

[Guest msnher]

Wow, Rhonda, what a gift of love you've given CJ. I'm SO glad you didn't listen to me in letting him be "out there" all by himself. I love seeing Westley's face!

Crystal - I'm not sure what's worse...the leading up to the angelversary or the actual date. Her first birthday was much more difficult for me than the angelversary. You have so much on your plate. I hope you are able to find some rest and peace in the middle of it all.

[lolynbo]

GOT MY WEAR GREY IN MAY SHOES....SUPER NEAT SUPER PROUD....I ALSO HAVE A KOURTNEY PAIR