Loss of an Adult Child

[lorismom]

For Erma - Thinking of you today on Walt's angel date and hoping that you can find some measure of peace.

For all - I can really relate to several of your posts where things seem to be more draining on us than we thought they would be. I have found that to be very true and especially even more so during the second year. We really do have to be much more gentle with ourselves. Take care everyone.

Patty

[deewithgreeneyes]

Briansdad...Another handsome young man. Our children were all so loved and admired by all. So he was a young father? Michelle was a young mother as well.

Is it not so beautiful to see our children in them? Kaili is so much like Michelle when Michelle was her age.

I read about your thought's on Brian's birthday....

I went to the beach where the accident occured for Michelle's birthday. It was cold and rainy that day in Santa Barbara. We released balloons for Shell's and just as the balloons were released a huge thick rainbow appeared. So brillant we were all astonished. As the balloons disappeared into the sky the rainbow disappeared as quickly as it appeared. Right then 3 flocks of pelicans flying in formation flew over the sea where Michelle drowned. Then a lone sea lion poked his head from the surface of the ocean and looked at the shore for a long while..it was as if all life and the heaven's opened up. Almost like a thank you from Michelle. She loved rainbows......Her birthday gift to us.

Michelle's site is memoriesofmichelle.com

[deewithgreeneyes]

Erma...I am burning a candle for Walt today. Michelle's candle burns everyday and Walt's candle is lit on my bookshelf. I try and burn a candle for all of them when I know it is "the day'. I hope you find some peace today.

[missingchris]

Greg,

We're sending our love out over the airways to you and Jan. Wishing we could be there to hug you. Happy BDay B!!!!!!!!!!

The Kimbrew's

[missingchris]

Erma,

Thinking of you today on Walt's angel date.

Bec

[Guest Guest]

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this great site. we lost our son Jeff on Sept. 01,2004 at the age of 21. Jeff is the youngest of our 4 children. Jeff always had his life together and knew where he was headed. He was a nationally recognized athelete, holding records in track and field and was a football player in the Canadian Junior Football Leaque at the time of his death. Jeff passed away at football practice having contracted a virus that damaged his heart tissue. He had absolutely no symptoms and had played a very good game just 4 days prior. Jeff was married on July 10, 2004 and had a wonderful 18 month old daughter, Shayne, his wife Leah was pregnent with thier second child, grandson Gavin was born Dec. 16, 2004. This past year and a half has been beyond words. My wife and I have had a very difficult time accepting our loss, and have had to "be strong" for the sake of our children and grandchildren. This past weekend we traveled to Kelowna, a 12 hour drive from our home in Grande Prairie Alberta, to see Jeff, as the 18th would have been his 23rd birthday, and met Leah and the children there. We had a good visit with Jeff, and have had a lot of support from his junior football team in Kelowna. We light a candle every night for Jeff, and left a solar lantern on his gravesite in Kelowna. If you would like to know more about Jeff you can visit the Okanagan Sun football site, www.zyworld.com/okanagansun/ ,click on #34 and from there you can go to Jeffs tribute site or to the Hotel Haly/Halvy, a site maintained by Jeffs Mother in Law. I thank you all again for this site, I have visited here frequently and find it very comforting.

God Bless

Don

[danielsmom]

To Erma,thinking of you today on Walt's angel date.Daniel's one year angel date was on Monday the 17th.Please know that you are in my thoughts.

To Don, I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Jeff.I know what you mean about having a difficult time accepting your loss.I find myself saying "Okay its been a year now, he can come home now" but realizing this is something we have to live with everyday.

Take care of youself

Wendy

[daveydow1]

Deewithgreeneyes,

What a beautiful thing to see the brilliant rainbow

after releasing the balloons for Michelle. David had

just broken up with his girlfriend, Jessica, who was

playing mind games with him. She didn't come to his

wake, funeral, or even send a card. He had not dated

her too long, but long enough to find out her true

colors. I later found out from his friend, that he

had seen her at a club the night before he died in the

highway crash. Your Michelle must have been a wonderful

girl, and loved animals as my David did. Peace & comfort

be with you.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Don, I am sorry that you are on this sad journey with us. It is extremely difficult..unfortunately we can all relate with you feelings. This has been a God send for me on the days I feel I just can't cope. My daughter was killed 3 month ago in a surfing accident. She was 28 and left behind a 2year old girl named Kaili. I know what it is like to be strong for the surviving children and the grandchildren. It is truly a cruel twist that we are left behind and must see our children go. My condolences are with you and your family.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Daveydow...I can feel your pain when you mention the crash and how you must feel about the girl playing mind games on your beautiful son. Sadly, Michelle had problem's with Ben as well and was thinking about leaving him. She was signed up for nursing school and was supposed to start the week she was killed. I am upset about several things and would like to e mail you about them now that you have mentioned some things. My e mail is deeappel@cox.net.

Yes, Michelle loved animals. Her father made the website all about surfing but Michelle was much more than that. She loved nature, hikes, the ocean, she truly was a free spirit. When I move I am going to start a wildlife rehab place in her memory. I wish Michelle was happy before she died but she was not. She loved Kaili but was unhappy in her relationship. I heard they had made amends before she died but I talked to her the day she was killed and she was still unhappy. Breaks my heart.

[kirksdad]

Don, Jeff's tribute site is really wonderful. It shows how much respect he gained during his life. I am so sorry you are here, but glad you found this site. There are such wonderful, caring people here.

[kathy714]

Hi everyone,i hope everyone with birthday's and Angel date's are making it through ok,also i hope everyone was able to find a little peace during Easter, i work all weekend so it wasn't really any big day,we had a brunch in the morning with my older son,Kevin my grandaughter...Some thing very strange happened to me tonight,i received a phone call from someone who would not idenify himself,but i believe he might work for the police dept. My son Nathan was found on his 21st birthday ,in a bank parking lot after leaving a bar with someone he didn't know,it was 10 degrees that night and medical examiner said cause of death was hypothermia .This person that called me tonight said that he was there and nothing was done in attempt to rescue Nathan, no CPR, etc,and that i need to get a copy of police report and hire a laywer,and investigate Nate's case.I became very upset and starting crying,and the caller also was upset ,but said he couldn't tell me who he was because there would be reprecussions,but he had lived with this long enough and had to contact me,because something needed to be done.I always felt something wasn't right about this whole thing,and this call is just what i needed to get me going on this,so tomorrow we start the investigation,pray we find some answers.. T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ashleysmom]

Kathy, Thank you for your well wishes. I will pray you find the answers you are looking for. What a shock that phone call must have been. I am so sorry they treated your son that way. I have always felt they never did enough to find out what happened to Ashley, because Ashley was 18yrs. old and it was early on the Fourth of July, so they thought it was drugs or alcohol that caused the accident. When the blood tests came back negative, there was nothing else done, so we have no idea why she fell so deeply asleep after having a nights sleep and never reacted. No brakes, no turn of the wheel and supposably she went quite a distance this way. Makes no sense. I hope you get answers, I know what it's like to have none. I am praying for you.

Deewithgreeneyes, Beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. Kaili is precious as well.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Kathy, I will be with you everyday and supporting you all of the way with the investigation. Ashley's mom as well...I know the feeling that "something was not right". My circumstances are not the same but there are certain questions brought up as well in Michelle's case. Why could she not get the leash off her ankle? why did the leash get stuck and not release? why was no one spoting her when she was surfing in such large surf? why was Ben not watching her? how come the surfer's did not get to her in time? most of all...why did another young surfer die in the same spot on April 12th? We saw his memorial on the beach....Kevin..died April 12 2006...at the same spot. I found out things from other surfer's that really disturbed me as well.All of the why's...drives me crazy.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Don...a beautiful tribute to your son. I say it time and time again...our children were all so beautiful and radiated such goodness and purity of spirit. Perhaps they were all given to us for a short period...so that we could learn lessons from them, rather than they learn lessons from us. I want you to know that I light a candle everyday day at 6:00 am for all of our children. It is a huge candle (bought it at Wal-Mart) every morning it is lit for all of our kids here at Blue Indigo.

[deewithgreeneyes]

I would like to ask all of my friends on this board...have any of you moved to another home since the death of your child?

My house is on the market..it used to be a home filled with warmth and serenity, now with my mom and Michelle gone so close together it feels like a house of total and complete grief. (Make sense?)

Anyway, I have put it on the market, looks like it is going to sell fast. Now I am SCARED. Michelle's energy is here, what if she stay's here in spirit and I leave. Sounds stupid I know but I really am scared.

Another thing I am scared of is moving to another place without "memories" of her being there. I am moving away to a pretty secluded area in the mountains (will be buying a cabin). I KnOW that is the way I want to live out the rest of my life, I am OK with that decision, just if I am making the right one by "leaving" Michelle behind. Maybe I am crazy I don't know. The weird things that go through my head. So afraid of "losing" her again.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Dear frinds, wanted to let you know I posted pictures of Michelle's birthday on the website for her. You can see all the gifts she left us. A rock MAMABETS

shaped like a HEART and the beautiful rainbow. Again it is memoriesofmichelle.com.

[peacefulnow]

Kathy, what a shock that phone call must have been. I hope that you find what you are seeking, and that it will give you some peace. Best of luck. Please keep us updated.

All these terrible accidents with their unanswered questions. The majority of you seem to have lost your children through accidents. It’s so tragic and sad. I’m so sorry. Cindy

[briansdad]

deewithgreeneyes,

A couple things.You mentioned Brian had a daughter when he was so young.He was only 19.The thing I admired most about him was even though he got Alyssa every weekend he never complained about having to go get her.I know if I had a baby in my early 20's cramping my style I probably would have crabbed.He never did.He took her everywhere with him.

Second, concering you move.A lady in our Bereaved Parents Group moved a few weeks after her daughter died.She was afraid as you are.She said after the move she knew that her daughter would always be with her no matter where she was.You memories are in your heart not in material things.

I hope that helped you.

When you get your cabin e-mail me a photo I'd love to see it.

Kathy, I hope you get the answers about Nate. I wrote to two witnesses about Brian's accident and neither of them replyed, kind of makes me wonder what went on.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Briansdad..How proud you must be of him. You know I had my son at 19 years of age also. Michelle had her first born Sierra when she was 22. Sierra died 16 hours after her birth due to complications of fetal distress during labor. I am glad that Brian got his daughter every weekend and you are right such a commendable thing,it is certain that Brian had a good character about him. It is so important that we keep our children alive in our grandchildren. It is our continual bond to our child we lost. I know when I look into Kaili's eyes I see Michelle looking back at me.

Thank you for sharing about the mom in the group. It did help me, again thank you.

Yes, I will be much happier living in the mountains. Since Michelle died I cherish even more than I did before..nature. Funny, yesterday I was laying in the grass in the sun and the grass smelled so good, I could almost feel Mother Earth breathing underneath me. I listened to the birds and watched how busy they were. Taking such serious responsibility with their lives, doing what they are supposed to do. I thought about how everything here has a beginning and an end and we must respect the lives of all creatures here, they are all part of God's plan. Small gifts he gives us. Their beautiful songs.

[aprilsmom]

I think I'm going to pop or something. I have been away a week, took my other kids to Mammoth - the memories were crushing my heart. I can't go anywhere without the memories; I didn't need them on this particular trip!! It's been 17 months and I thought I was getting BETTER? what a joke.... I need to know from some of you...since lawsuits are being mentioned.....I knew from the crash site that something was very wrong with what the cops said because April was a good driver. When I read the legal strand on loss of a child a lot of parents are saying to be careful what we discuss here because it can hurt our cases. well sheesh then, April's husband and wife-to-be (who harassed April) are going to become multi-millionaires from MY DAUGHTER's death........should I blab all over the net what I know and kill their case? So very tempting. My family is not listed anywhere on any lawsuit. I wish I could look through the Lord's eyes for about a minute and figure out this storm we're all caught in! Sorry to go on. I think about all of you and missed you this week. Renee

[deewithgreeneyes]

To All:

I found this in Michelle's journal. She wrote this after the death of her first baby Sierra...

Do not pursue the past. Do not lose yourself in the future. The past no longer is. The future has yet to come. Look deeply at life as it is, in the very here and now, the practioner of this will dwell in stability and freedom. We must be diligent today. Tomorrow is too late. Death comes unexpectedly. How can we bargain with it? The sage calls a person who knows how to dwell in mindfulness night and day and one who knows the better way to live alone.

Do not rely on individuals, rely on the teachings. Do not rely on words, rely on the meaning. Do not rely on the adapted meaning rely on the ultimate meaning. Do not rely on intellectual knowledge, rely on wisdom.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Renee..I would e mail people individually. I don't think to much should be said over the internet.

I am sorry your trip to Mammoth was hard on you. I have come to realize that for all of us...this is what the empty hole is about. Do I think it will ever change? No. It is what is called a "new normal". Do I like it No! I HATE IT. I don't want this "New normal" I guess we have to look at memories as pictures in our soul, they will always be with us..memories..pictures in our SOUL.

[donosmom]

I was wondering if anyone has any suggestions for me. My husband isolates from the world by playing online games, I am aware of what he is doing and in my own way dealing with it, patience and compassion. But family members don’t seem to understand. Over Easter we went to my in-law’s, my father in-law is quite ill, he has pulmonary fibrosis and at the end of his life. He became ill Sat morning and everyone was hovering over him, my husband has 3 siblings so it was his mom, the siblings and other about 7 or more people. So Jay stayed in the chair he was in and continued to watch whatever was on, I remained on the sofa. They took him to the emergency room, a little later his sisters went but did not tell my husband they were going an ask if he wanted to. I might add we were in a town we aren’t familiar with and we didn’t know the name of the hospital or where it was. Now they are mad at him because he seemed disinterested. They are all going to my in-laws the first weekend in May but no one has mentioned it. We also heard comments that almost 3 years is long enough and we need to quite feeling so sorry for ourselves, and that we are selfish, only thinking of our loss. The reality is he is having a very hard time with the idea of losing his dad and seeing him so sick and knowing he is dying just brings so many emotions right back to the top.

I don’t know how to handle this. I hate seeing him being judged so harshly, I realize they can’t understand, but I am afraid this is going to destroy his relationship with his mom and siblings. He is walking on a very tight rope as it is and I am worried about him.

[julsmom]

donosmom, I am sorry that your husband's siblings cannot understand the grief he is going through. I am sure that the thought of his father passing is just adding to his grief. Has he seen a counselor? It is sad that our families tend to judge us the harshest. May you find peace, Lynda

[mattsdad]

To donosmom,

To your family 3 years may seem long enough. You are allowed to feel the sorrow for as long as you need. Do not let them dictate how long you need to get through your loss. Nothing compares to the loss of a child.

I have the same situation with my father. He is 78 and suffering with alzheimer's. While he seems to be comfortable at this moment, we all know the inevitable will take him from us. It is not eay to lose a loved one. But losing a parent is not as terrifying as losing a child. And speaking as a man it is hard to outwardly show how much this can affect you. I believe that Jay is sick over what is going on. But his way of dealing with this is the way many of us are expected to behave. Stiff upper lip and all that crap.

In time Jay's family will come around. Until then, stick with Jay.

Jeff

[julsmom]

Deewithgreeneyes - what briansdad sad about Michelle and your momo always being with you is correct. May your move go smoothly and may you find more peace in your cabin in the woods. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

I visited Brian's memorial site. He is such a nice

looking young guy. He looks like he was a nice & fun-

loving person. The little granddaughter must be a joy

to you & your family. Sometimes I wish that Davey had

left a child, but I guess that was not meant to be.

Don,

I am sorry for your loss of your son. This site can be

very helpful for support of people who know how you

feel. It has been a lifeline for many of us. Please

come back.

Kathy714,

I hope & pray that you are able to find some answers

to some of the questions that have haunted you, and

that they will bring you peace, somehow. Good luck

with it.

[ashleysmom]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN TO ASHLEY!!! I miss her so much. I think it hurts more right now than it did last year, if that's possible. Can't stop crying. I want to know my twenty year old Ashley, but I will only ever know her to eighteen.

http://ashley-rose-bailey.memory-of.com/About.aspx

[ashleysmom]

My poem to my Baby.

On April twenty first, nineteen eighty six,

God gave me a very special gift.

To love and to cherish and to protect her from harm,

To enjoy for her lifetime, her very special charm.

But who could have known her life would be so brief,

And I'd be left behind, drowning in my grief.

God has given me hope, for a wonderful rebirth,

That will take place when I'm no longer of this earth.

My Baby you've gone on ahead of me, your earthly job was done,

Someday we'll be together again, reunited as one.

Until that day is finally here, my Baby I must say,

I love you, miss you and think of you, each and every day.

Love, Mom

[julsmom]

Happy Birthday to Ashley. Thge poem is beautiful. May you find some peace this day. Lynda

[mamabets]

For Ashleysmom- When all that was once so right, seems all wrong today, be gentle with you. Happy Birthday to your beautiful Ashley that you have so lovingly shared with all of us. For each day that passes, and we think that perhaps this may one day get a bit easier, we find out that some of it just remains the same.... The "missing" never changes, nor would we want for it to. There is new pain that adds to it, strength comes from the oddest of places, and time marches on. Being honest and decent seems to be working against us, then in the blink of an eye, we do find that in spite of it ALL, we are adjusting to life as we now know it. Always know, too, that Ashley will never know a pain like this. Peace to you and yours today, Renee... Find a furry puppy, close your eyes, and for one, if just for one moment, lose yourself in magic of Ashley- She continues on in the magic of you!!.... I will be thinking of you and I love you, xoxoxoxxo mamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- This, I can only imagine... Life is way, way, way too cruel for you right at this very moment and all I can tell you is that I am here for you, as always...I love you and will try to find you later on Instant Message!!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Julsmom- Let us know how you are doing with the new group that you are working on!!! I get such hope from people like you that seem to be able to "jump in" at a time when many of us have forgotten how to put a thing called one foot in front of a thing called the other... God Bless You!!! I love you, Lynda...mamabets

[deewithgreeneyes]

Happy Birthday Ashley...To Ashley's mom. I wish you some peace today and I wish you comfort that Ashley will send you....A candle is burning for your baby girl today on my bookshelf. Such a beautiful poem....

[rhonda68]

Hi everyone,

Sorry I havent been on for a long time just having trouble dealing. As i read your posts I feel so bad for each and everyone of you. Just know I love you all and understand the pain. My dearest Kathy I am thinking of you always and I hope this brings you the news you need I also feel so bad that you would get this kind of call this long after. I am having a whole lot of trouble with family and friends cant figure out how people can be so cruel on top of everything else and I am the last person that would have treated anyone so bad. Life just seems really unfair.

Richards Mom

[daveydow1]

Ashleysmom--Dottie,

My heart goes out to you on this day--your sweet

Ashley's birthday. I visited her memorial site.

She certainly is a pretty young lady. You said

that you would only know her as an 18-yr. old. I

can relate to that also, as I will always remember

my son as the age he died--31. Take good care of

yourself today, and may you somehow find some comfort.

Davey'smom--Sherry

[briansdad]

Donosmom.

Tell your husband to give this to his insensitive relatives.

The Club

by Karen Grover

Feb 1989

In January, 1987, my husband and I became members of a very exclusive club. We had been only vaguely aware of its existence, and we thought that surely a chapter in a city the size of ours wouldn't have many members.

We had seen a few people who belonged to the club, but we didn't seem to have anything in common with them, so we didn't really get to know them. Occasionally, we read stories in the newspaper about new members being initiated into the club, but it didn't seem likely that we would ever be eligible to join, so we paid no attention.

The price of membership is so dear that we couldn't imagine being a part of the club. We must have realized in the backs of our minds that people didn't choose to join and pay the dues--it was done for them somehow. In fact, no one really has any idea of how members are selected. There are a lot of theories; but much of the time, the theories come from non-members who don't understand much about the situation.

The "club" we are now in (although it is not an organized group), is known as "bereaved parents." The cost of our membership was the life of our son; and we, like all other members, have no idea why we were selected for membership.

No one wants to be in this club. Even now, months afterward, inside our hearts and minds we continue to fight membership, but there is no resigning from it. It is an automatic lifetime membership. There was no way to avoid it--we did the best we could to keep our son safe. For fourteen years, we guided him through dangers, only to have him die in a seemingly minor auto accident. Though we lay awake night after night, and think of it day after day, there is no answer as to why we have been thrust into this select group. We hate it and we cry out in protest, but there is no way to change it.

We have learned a lot since our membership began. We now understand much about the other members. In fact, we seek to be with them, to have regular get-togethers, to discuss our membership, and try to understand its value.

Sometimes, those outside the club are afraid of us, fearing that if they come near us or talk with us, they will be selected to become members too! Acquaintances often try to ignore the membership, pretending that it doesn't exist. They seem to think that will make things easier, and then the members won't feel "different," but it really only makes things much worse.

So many times, I have wanted someone to say hello or to tell me she has been thinking of me or to mention something about the absent child who still lives inside me and overshadows all my thoughts. I have heard people say, "I don't want to upset her, or remind her of her son, or say something that will make her cry."

I want to tell them: "The only way you can make me feel worse than I already do is to pretend that it doesn't exist or that it isn't as deep and painful as you surely know it is.

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having one terrible incident go through your mind, day after day, week after week, month after month, wondering why it happened and how you could have prevented it? Well, don't worry about reminding me of my son. I am thinking about him nearly twenty-four hours a day.

"Sure, sometimes my mind is temporarily distracted--it would have to be to function at all. But if you think there is even one day that goes by without my child's death tearing up my heart, then you have no idea what this club is all about.

"I appreciate your talking about my child, or at least letting me talk about him. He was a very large part of my life, and ignoring him now will really hurt me. It makes me think that you feel he's no longer important because he's gone. It hurts to think that people don't want to think about him or remember good things about him, just because he has died.

"I understand that you don't want to say anything that will make me cry. That sounds kind, and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better. I'd rather the tears didn't come when you talk to me because I know they may scare you away, or at least make you very uncomfortable. But I've learned how useful and necessary they are. If I go too long without tears, my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain of the grief. If you will allow me to cry in your presence, perhaps I won't have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers, or even cares, about my loss.

"You can't know what will make me cry--sometimes I don't know, myself. Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly everything. Other days, the slightest thing will start the tears--things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are tears of sorrow. Even in the midst of my anguish, I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my son was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about him which I had not known before.

"Please don't run away from me. Don't pretend his death never occurred, or even worse, that he never lived! I still love him, think of him, need to remember. Please share with me and we will both feel better.

"I am learning that God is not punishing me. He did not cause the death of my son. But, He can help me to grow through this experience--to become stronger and wiser and more caring, if I have some help. Initially, when I was told by a church member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience, I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my son, I didn't want to change or get stronger. But I know I have no choice about that now--he is gone. Now my choices are to either let God, and friends, help me to become better; or I can choose to allow this grief to destroy me."

I have to experience the grief. I can't pretend it doesn't hurt, or hurry it along. That's what membership in this club is teaching me. I am choosing to allow God to take an unspeakable experience and use it to start life again...in a new and better way.

[donosmom]

Briansdad thank you so much for this story, I will print it out for my husband. YOu know we have preached to our children that they can always count on us, we are family! And then when we become a member of this club, where is the family. Again, I want to thank everyone here, I have found this site to be a lifeline.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11-3-79 -07-13-03

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom- Please forgive me- In celebrating Ashley on her post earlier, I got April/ Ashley you and Renee all balled together!!! Even Renee's doggies were called upon for puppy kisses!! I am sorry, as it has been a steady blur here for about 48 hours!!! I know that the angels are giggling at me tonight!!! "Ahhhh, her gift of gab got all jumbled together tonight and she somehow thought that wires got crossed??? Silly mama, every day is a party in Heaven!!! We all got new puppies today!!!" xoxo I love you!! mamabets

[aprilsmom]

Hey lady-no problem, I'll just confuse you more next month when it is going to be April's 28th B-Day:) Okay, the 3 dogs- older white poodle mix is my Carson, pup that's white maltipoo is daughter Jami's Denver, and red yorkie is daughter Kristi's. We got all of them since the accident at the end of 2004. Kristi's husband started with getting "Abigail" for her that Christmas - now we're a dog family - so out of character for us. We LOVE those dogs though. Kristi has been trying so hard to get pregnant for the last year; her grief over losing her sister has really been hard on her. I listened to Blackhawk's Ships of Heaven you sent me. Cried some....thank you. take care, Renee

[ashleysmom]

Thank you all for your support, it means so much to "hear" all the kind words and to see all of the candles lit. We were really low key yesterday. My husband, daughter and I put Ashley's blue roses and balloons (18 blue and 2 white) at her grave, then we went to breakfast at Ashley's favorite (Cracker Barrel). Many people remembered yesterday, stopped at her grave and left things.

Briansdad, "The Club" says it so well. I had never read that, thank you.

Richardsmom, It is so unfair after all we have been through for people to be so unkind. I have to say that not one person in my family or my husbands family remembered Ashley's birthday except for my Mom. We both have five siblings plus nieces and nephews, etc. I have found that since "membership" in the club, my select friends are closer to me than family. Sad truth.

Take care all, Dottie

[julsmom]

Briansdad - thanks for the posting. I too printed it out to keep with my things.

Ashleysmom - I agree that some friends have been more supportive than some family. As for things at the grave - when we went on Easter - there was a penny and a single fresh flower (there has been a smiley face stone for some time). I don't know who is leaving these "gifts" (Julie did not live here) but it warms my heart even if it is from some stranger.

Mamabets - thanks for asking about the group - it is a general bereavement group - folks have lost spouses, parents, siblings and chidren. There are about 15. My biggest task is to listen. This time it is about others not me. That is a challenge for me since I like to talk a lot any way.

May we all find peace and comfort. Lynda

[donosmom]

Lynda, I chuckled a little when I read your post, I am co leading a support group as well and listening and not talking has been my biggest hurdle as well. The group I am working with is through the organ donation agency and it is a mixed group as well. As hard as it is sometimes to go it has been good, I always leave feeling like maybe, just maybe I have something to offer and have been some kind of help for others beginning this journey.

Tomorrow is the Second Chance Picnic with Lifeshare and the 2 recipients we have meet with be there. We are going to be interviewed by a news paper. These events are always very emotional. It amazes me how much my life has changed and what things are important to me now. Before Matthew died I would have never dreamed of public speaking and now I do it all the time, of course, I know the topic well.

Every day I say a prayer and light a candle for all the Angel days and birthdays of everyone's children. I wish we had a calendar of sorts to glance at. My memory does not serve me well sometimes.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 07-13-03

[deewithgreeneyes]

Donosmom...that sounds great that you have found something so profound to be able to do in your son's memory. Organ dontaion is such a selfless act of giving, your son and yourselves. I remeber when I was a nurse in Amarillo Texas we had 2 young men who were killed in an automobile accident and were donor's. It was very emotional for me to see the grieving parents but I was in awe of their strength and the very nature of their giving.

Briansdad...thank you for sharing The Club. I too have printed it off and yes I think we all relate the The Club. My family (not my son or Michelle's cousin's) but Aunt's and Uncles and my cousin's have REALLY let me down. So absent from reality of what is really happening with myself,Kaili, Mike all of us directly related. It's OK though because I have no problem with writing people off who are insensitive, uncaring and selfish. As a matter of fact I look forward to the day when they ask me "what's wrong" and I can tell them. It won't be pretty that is for sure...(smile)

[mattsdad]

Greg,

Thanks for your last post.

Nothing more can be said.

Thanks.

Jeff

[mamabets]

For Ashleysmom- I have gotten all of my girls wrapped up. it seems, the last couple of days... There is Ashley, then Dottie, then Renee, then April...!!! YIKES!!! I have had a terrible time here the last week or so, lost in such sadness, and in reading all of the posts, all have run together. That is the good thing, for I love you all the same... I will make a trip to Cracker Barrel before long... JUST for you and Ashley! I do things like this to help all of you and I celebrate my whole new family this way...I hope that you are OK, and I hope that you believe it when I say "They all got new puppy dogs for Ashley's birthday"!!!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Briansdad- I love you!!!xoxoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- I love my guys... All of my men!!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Julsmom- Peace to you... I talk alot too, just ask around!!! LOL- Bless your heart and know that Pennies From Heaven mean something very special- Just ask Briansdad- He has the poem!!! I love you!! xoxoxo