Loss of an Adult Child

[maskott]

Erma, Lynda, Rosalyn, Betsy and Greg...thanks all for the thoughts, prayers and well wishes. The day was kept so busy that I didn't have a lot of time to think about the meaning of the actual day. We sent off the balloons as Jeff explained. When we got to second base, Scott and Jeff noticed a baseball sitting exactly where Matthew stood playing second base. We brought it home and it will now be put in Matthew's room. I guess that was his gift to us.

His friends talked about him all day. Funny stories...stupid things Matthew did....stories that told how much they loved him. It started at 12:00 and they friends left about 7:00. As someone just said...sometimes the day after is hard and I found that out. The night before the party I didn't sleep at all. Today I feel so miserable. I guess it's the let down after the high.

Thanks to all who thought about us, had us in their prayers, and lit candles for us. Believe me...it is truly appreciated and helps us to get through each and every minute of each and every day.

I will write more when my mind decides it wants to start thinking again.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

to all - just a note that at almost 2 1/2 years into this grief process I can say at some levels the pain eases and we have learned to adjust. However, this morning, I had to clean a closet out with coats and I knew that there was one of Julie's coats hanging in it. I went through the pockets to find her "e ticket" when she flew to see her brother graduate from law school in May 2003 and a flyer from the school where she was teaching at that time about some events. Deep sadness but no tears. Just the incredible feeling of loss for all our children, for their hopes, our hopes for them and lives taken way too soon. May we all find peace. Lynda

[julsmom]

Jeff and BettyAnn - I am so glad you were surrounded by Matt's friends. Lynda

[lorismom]

For Jo - You talked about being taken aback when you see your reflection in the mirror and wondering what others might see. Maybe they see a beautiful person who has suffered a tremendous loss because of the deep love she had for her son. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Karl.

For Mamabets - Thank you for your nice message and kind words. I think your Danny was very blessed to have such a sweet Mom like you.

For Roslyn - Your are so right when you say how important it is to take good care of yourself......vitamins, exercise, drinking lots of water, and eating properly. This grieving process really takes its toll on all of us. I also find that being out in nature is very healing.

Take care,

Patty

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

Mamabets, thanks for your encouraging words, and since I last spoke and was so down, another aquaintance of mine, 6 in the last year, has died. Carol had cancer for the last 5 years and battled all she could. She is a great lady, we worked together in the 1970's, and later on in life I was her daughter's daycare person. I know that she is free, that she is out of hurt and harm, but I know what her daughter now has to deal with, and her husband who misses her terribly.

Patty, I too feel much better being outside, experiencing nature helps me daily, and Roslyn, grief is exhausting and depleting and so I am glad to hear you are taking extra measures to see that you keep your body in line. Our spirits cannot heal if our bodies are weak, and by heal I do not mean forget, or get happy or in any way downgrade the experience and the daily loss of our children. But the better you treat your body, the better your spirit can gain strength again.

Bettyanne, how lovely that your boy left a baseball to take home, how perfect.

I know they watch over us, I know Eri is watching and that she is free. I went to my daughter's grave yesterday, put a pink decoration near her stone adn sat and cried. Even though it is beyond 2.5 years, as I get closer to her birthday, I feel so lonely without her here. But I agree with Lynda, life goes on with a new ryhthm after a time, and life can become a gratifying place again, after all, it is this life that we had the days we did with our little ones. I would not trade the days and years for anything, not even this sadness.

Peace to all, and glorious spring.

dee

[daveydow1]

Jeff & BettyAnn,

I was not on the BI board yesterday, but I am thinking

about you and praying you will find peace.

Brokenhearted,

I wish you peace & comfort after Karl's birthday yesterday.

Julsmom,

I can relate to how painful it was for you to find the

ticket in Julie's coat. Things like that can be a stab

to the heart. I was driving to the library today, and

passed the old, closed up, and rundown McDonald's bldg.

where Davey had his first job. We have pictures of him

in his uniform. I felt so sad. I went on to the library,

but left without getting one book (not like me). I just

felt so tired and sad. Hope you feel better. Peace to you.

Brin3d,

Your granddaughter's birthday party must have been so

bittersweet for you. I know that you felt Darcia's

absence so keenly, and painfully. You are in my prayers.

Ericasmom,

So sorry for you loss of your friend, Carol, to cancer.

I,too, lost my friend, Maggie to cancer in Feb/'06 We had

been friends for 50 yrs., beginning when we were in grade

school. She was a good person--always willing to help other

people. I miss her. Take care, and may you find peace in

the coming months, as I know your angel date is coming up.

[mamabets]

For Bokenhearted- I was just talking to my therapist today about how I am amazed at how one begins to "look different" after such a profound loss, such as losing a child. I look "different"- I look at pictures; I look in the mirror, and it's not that I look "bad or always sad", but I just look DIFFERENT... She said that when you have suffered like this, every fiber, every core of who you are changes and people do start to look different- A true cellular change! Karl's angel date is coming up and know that we are all here to help you through this. Are you planning something?? I love you!! xoxomamabets

[bokenhearted]

Mamabets

You spoke of having a therapist. Do you find it beneficial to go to a therapist? I have never been to one and have from time to time thought about going but I just am unsure if it will help.

At this stage we have nothing planned for Karl's angel date except that my brother-in-law is coming to be with us. He was here when Karl died and he has requested the time off work to be with us. It will be so difficult for us all and I worry about my mother-in-law as she has been having such a terrible time with her health since Karl died. He was her only grandson and she loved him dearly. It is also her birthday the day before his angel date. She will be 82 and somehow I feel like we have to do something to make it a special day for her but I don't know how I am going to do that as I battle with my own emotions. Everyone tells me how strong I am and have been through all this but little do they know that inside I am just a mess. It has always been in my makeup to put on a front when I feel out of my depth but now some days I just would like to crawl away and hide. I feel like I should cope better but then I think too bad. I guess I don't know what I feel some days. I thank you for your support, it does help. You seem like such a special person and you are an insperation to us all.

Jo

[bokenhearted]

Daveydow

Thanks for your wishes.

Lorismom

What a beautiful thing for you to say.

Julesmum

I like you think of what might have been for my son. It is just so unfair. I have not yet been able to go through my sons clothes and it is coming up to 1 year. I guess I will when I am ready but I do know that I am going to make a patchwork quilt from some of his favourite clothes which was a suggestion I read on this site. I am pleased that my daughter is managing to live her life and again starting to be happier. I am so proud of her and how she is dealing with her brothers loss. She went to a costume party recently and had to dress as a man. As she is slight build she asked if she could wear Karl's suit jacket. At first I thought how could she want to but it only took me a few minutes to think that if she was prepared to do so then why not. After all she wouldn't have asked if she didn't want to. She put it on and I looked at her in his jacket and my thoughts were just as you said... no tears just sad for what might have been and the most overwhelming wish that it was him standing there in it. Anyway my daughter went off to the party and had a great time... and who knows maybe Karl was with her.

Peace to you too

Jo

[mynicholas]

Hello to everyone,

Some were speaking of "what they look like in the mirror", well, anymore......who cares! That's how I feel! I too have been told I do look different since I've lost Nicholas, however, it takes EVERYTHING out of me just to put some make-up on anymore. I do know that since I have lost him, something is very different about my skin, I'm not sure how do discribe it, almost like a "deficiency" of some sort, I don't know. Anyway, I too do see a difference when I look at myself, I look very "depressed" in a way, I guess. I use to be able to look at other's with this same look and I knew they weren't happy or depressed, now I see that in myself, odd isn't it.

Will we look this same way always? I'm not sure. My therepast states "it's coming from inside". "We" all must look the same, huh.

Rose

[ericasmom]

As to looking different...I think it is universal that we all feel we look different after going through the shock of losing our children. Think of the hormonal changes we have gone thorugh and seasonal changes, all of them ccausing skin adn hair to change or react. Our losses are those changes magnified and of course cause our skin, our hair, our nails, and especially our energy level to change. This too is one of the many reasons to see your doctor and make sure you are eating correctly and taking vitamin supplements to keep your minerals and vitamins up. After a death you may not eat or sleep well, which have immediate effects to the body. After our losses too, the shock our bodies and minds have handled have an affect, and the chemicals in our bodies change. Many of us also go through post traumatic syndrome as well, causing us to feel some of the horror and anguish a year or more later, and this causes changes again. Another reason we look different, I think, is because we are different, and we see things through grief eyes, we see ourselves differently and finally, many of us are going through menapause, and BAM! we are changing yet again.

I think it is ver worthwhile to see a therapist if you are wondering about it. Make some calls and ask around to find someone in the area who has dealt with loss, who has dealt with post traumatic syndrome. Do not feel badly if the first therapist you meet does not fit you, it will be important to give it time, but if it isn't the right therapist, look for another. I go weekly, so glad that I do, started up 5 months after Erica died, still going. ERi has been gone over 2.5 years. I am lucky to be seeing the same therapist I went to upon having a daughter. Once ERi was born I sought out a woman therapist who had dealt with abuse. I was an abused child and once I had a daughter, I needed to deal more directly with it. And so her birth led me to my therapist, her death brought me back. Odd, but I am grateful to have this weekly time to unload, to wander through my ache.

My heart to you all,

dee

[mamabets]

For Bokenhearted- I do believe, that seeing a therapist, for me, has been critical on this journey. However, very early on, I couldn't. I attend a place called Kindermourn, that specifically deals with the shattered lives of those that have lost children. The therapist that I see has become my friend, as have the others there. I go every two weeks, e-mail her LOTS!! They are "grief and loss" specialists- I feel, personally, that these are the people to see, in that they have either walked this walk, been trained in the nature of this nightmare, or both. My Lura knows both... Ideal, within the flood of these emotions here- There are places to , perhaps, call for direction to "grief and loss" help... Hospice, funeral homes, hospitals- Just call and say "Do you, by any chance ,know of any grief and loss counselors here in the area"- I am sure that people would be happy to help you find the perfect therapist for you, when and if you feel ready. Thank you for your sweet words. I am an inspiration because of the love that has been so freely given to me here...I love you!! xoxoxomamabets

[maureensmom]

looking in a mirror.... I can look quickly, to see if my hair is combed right, but I can't REALLY look, I can't meet my own eyes in the mirror, because I see a mother who doesn't have a daughter anymore, some kind of fractured half-person. When I really look at myself, I remember and remember. And I agree with everyone, I look so different, so old.

Georgia

[julsmom]

to all - it's hard to look in the mirror - for one I see my mother looking back at me and for the other Julie was always told she looked like me, although she was thinner and had blonde hair. As for therapists I went to 2 and then went to the same bereavement group twice (I may help lead it this spring). My husband has been to 3 therapists and a week long seminar. I think you just have to keep looking for those ways to help you in this journey.

Bokenhearted (Jo)- I went through Julie's clothes about 6 weeks after she died. Her friend felt there might have been some of her clothes in with Julie's since they shared clothing. So as we did that I put several pieces on the side that I knew I would want. The rest stayed in the box until the 2nd Christmas when I gave them to a thrift store about 30 miles from where I live. I knew the coat was in the closet but never went through the pockets until we had to clean that closet out. But I know there are other pieces of clothing in the attic that she had stored there (prom dresses, school jackets, etc.) so eventually I will have to go through them too. I still have all of her books, music and misc. items in the garage from her apartment. We just can't seem to gather the strength to go through them.

And then I wonder who am I saving them for? Certainly these are not things I should leave for our son to have when we leave this earth are they? More questions than answers.

Peace to all. Lynda

[donosmom]

Matthew was an organ donor, many lives saved and improved because of his gift. We have met 2 of his recipients a man who received his lungs and the woman that received his pancreas and kidney. They are wonderful people. We have gotten quite close to the lung recipient and his wife, they are people we would have liked in any circumstance. He has been ill and he went to clinic yesterday and they did a biopsy and he is in chronic rejection. This is a lot hard that I thought. He has become a friend as well as the man with my babies lungs. Please prayer for him and his family and for the medical staff that they may be able to arrest the rejection. His name is Rex.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 7-13-03

[Mazey2]

I did a very significant thing yesterday...after Chad died I retired from Nursing after 30 years and started using my Real Estate License again full time. Well, I have been showing houses to this young couple for a couple months now...nothing has "fit". She emailed me over the weekend with a new listing...it was my Chad's house. I had sold it 9 months after he died to a couple ladies. I had to go there again, and ya know it was okay. It, of course, depends on the day how strong I am, but being with the couple made it different. They bought it!! I could almost "feel" him happy that a young couple would put "life" in it again!

April 3rd, next Monday will be 4 years since he died.....as the day approaches, there are so many things that are brought into my sight and mind again that pricks at that wound.

I have been coming to this site for almost 4 years, and I have to say this site is STILL a place of comfort. I admire how everyone is so caring and considerate of each other. I am touched by how much the people here now want to help hold each other up. Despite the incredible pain we all share, there is a sense of strength and courage to "live on"....even with the ongoing pain we feel. God bless each and everyone of you......Sharing,Linda

[enufalreddy]

Well I had one hell of a mini-breakdown tonight.In another crying fit all day. Started up again and started screaming and kicked the wall in front of me which happened to be a concrete building foundation and I'm ptretty sure I broke my toe. But I got out a lot of the anguish that I needed to physically purge. I'm not so sure I'm coming through psychologically in tact. But I feel better for having let it out. Except for the toe. Which is killing me.I just don't know how I am going to survive this thing.You are the only people who understand.

[mamabets]

For Donosmom- My Danny was an organ donor too... I will pray for Rex- Please know that a very dear friend of min has had 3 liver transplants, and he has almost died LOTS, but he is alive and well today!!!!! His last transplant was in August of 2004- I love you and will send all kinds of good energy your way for Rex...xoxoxomamabets

[ericasmom]

Dear Linda,

I remember coming here about 2 years ago, and you were there for me and all the newbies, and still you are there for everyone. I thank you, and I pray for you to gather some peace. I shall pray for you as you cme upon the sad date of April 3, and I delight that you felt some joy at selling his old home to a young couple. I am sure that Chad is very proud of you Linda/

Enufalreddy,

sorry about the toe, tape it to the toe next to it. Ice it. I am glad that you got out some of that rage, I have had days such as that. And while you wonder how the heck you are going to survive this thing? Here we are, those whose babies left over 2 years ago, you will survive and you will not always feel as you do today. You will feel lighter, you will feel some peace.

Lynda, I too have been told that Erica looks like me. I see us in photos together and see the resembelance. Sometimes I make some sort of gesture to my students or to my son and I know I sounded and looked just like Erica. It's tricky, this world without our kids. I went through my daughter's things about 2 weeks after she died, she was renting and we needed to get everything out. I gave many of ERi's clothes away to her friends that helped me go thorugh them, many to her cousins as well. I kept her graduation, prom, and maid of honor gowns. I also kept the crystal I had given her on her last Christmas here, now I wear it. I kept her favorite shoes, we bought them for my wedding. I never have spent so much money on shoes prior to that pair. They were perfect, and Eri loved them.

Onward we go Folks,

never without someone to talk to.

dee

[mamabets]

For Mazey2- What an incredible story!!! There will be life in Chad's home, and be sure to plant a beautiful flowering bush there for them... Also, I will e-mail something to you that could be really great for you to have done!! I love you!!! xoxomamabets

[enufalreddy]

Good morning all...feeling a little better this morning even though I haven't slept.The toe is nasty and basically kept me awake all night. For those of you with clothing from your children I wish I could make quilts for everyone out of them...pieced remembrances to cuddle with. Most everyone knows someone who sews. I hope you can find someone to do this for you if you want it done.I see Forget-me-nots planted in the yard of Chad's home.Maybe a bleeding heart...they are so beautiful and I can tell you my heart bleeds.I don't understand why all of a sudden the intensity of my grief is nearly as it was in the first 2 months after Walt passed. It's all of a sudden oh so real and raw again. I feel exhausted emotionally. 5 minutes at a time today...1 minute at a time...whatever it takes. Heed my advice friends and don't pick a fight with a slab of concrete. I pray for peace of mind.For all of us. God grant me the serenity...........Erma

[maskott]

Erma...sorry about your toe. I know the frustration well. Since Matthew's birthday on Sunday, I've had that exhausted depression. Yesterday, walking through an empty shop area at work, I just broke out sobbing. I tried hard to control myself before I got back to the office area but it was so intense. The "letdown" after a big day is so horrendous. No one but us, can understand the pain and agony this feels like.

April 7 will be Matthew's eight month anniversary. I hear everyone talking about still feeling this way 2 years +...it make me wonder how I'm going to make it. I know we have to...I know we change to adapt to the situation. I know all of these things in my mind...but my heart is a different story. It doesn't want to understand.

BettyAnn

[Mazey2]

Erma, thanks for the idea of the Forget-me-nots! Hope that toe gets better, Erica's MOM is right, tape the toe, and ice, and some anti-inflammatory(advil).

Ya know, that is a good story! Just kicking and screaming, crying.....I have been there. It is awful we have to go thru such deep, unrelenting pain! But, I love that you had a "fit"! I totally think it needs to be let out. Take care of yourself.

Diane, thanks for your words of concern....and remembrance. I am going to plant a bush there!!!! Chad had it professionally landscaped, and the "ladies" weren't able to keep many of the bushes, so that is a really great idea! Thanks, you are a good friend....again, so glad we met.

Mamabets, you are truly a gem! A rare gem, and your "sparkle" touches all of us. Thanks for the email. She does a super job! Do you think she does portraits?

Sharing, Linda

[Mazey2]

Erica'sMom, Diane, I had written down a quote you shared a long time ago, that has really stayed with me and was so insightful......I would like to share it again........with those who wouldn't have seen it then.

'the wonders of nature helps us to see the strength of the unseen....'

I think many of us find a bit of solace in nature, and it is God given beauty that should remind us of his incredible power, and comfort.

Sharing, Linda

[lorismom]

For Erma - I can so relate to your message. I remember early on the anger that I felt. The pain is so raw in the beginning. Hoping you find peace and serenity.

For Linda - Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote. I love to be out in nature because it seems to lessen some of the pain of being on this journey.

Take care,

Patty

[mamabets]

For Mazey2- I love your quote... So true, and "sow" beautiful... There is so much that just can't be denied, and this is such a "gentle reminder"... It really helps!!! Thank you!!!! I love you! xoxoxomamabets

{Don't know about the portraits- I think just the house ones- This "home" of Chad's is, without question, full of all things magical... I fell that it CLEARLY represents that he lives on, at home, here, there and everywhere....!!!}

[daveydow1]

Lorismom,

I also find a lot of comfort and peaceful feelings

when I am outside in the midst of nature. Today, I

was outside gazing at the sky, and heard a mourning

dove calling. I have always loved these birds. As it

cooed, it was almost as though my son, David, was

saying "I love you, Mom". How I appreciated the call

of this gentle bird. Peace can be found in nature.

Prayers & light.

[daveydow1]

Maureensmom,

I know what you mean when you talk about looking

into a mirror. Whenever I see myself in the mirror,

I know that I look old. My dear husband says I don't,

but I am sure that I do. Makeup can do only so much

for me. It seems as though I have permanent dark circles

under my eyes and little can be done to hide them. As

someone else said---I don't care as much as I used to.

The grief process is taking its toll, and that's the

way that it is. I believe others here would agree.

Take care everyone. Peace to all. Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Julsmom,

I can totally relate to your feelings as to "saving

things for whom?". I feel exactly the same. I have

so many of Davey's things--his baby book, for example.

Who will want that when I'm no longer around? Also,

his huge baseball card collection, and his computer

books, clothes etc.----who will want them? Yet, I

cannot part with most of his belongings. Such a terrible

and painful road, isn't it? I pray you will find some

peace & comfort in the coming days and months.

Davey's mom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Donosmom,

I will be praying for Rex, and hoping that he

can be restored to health again.

[griffinsmom]

I thought either Griffins sister would want stuff-or- they could just be creamated with me- or buried- whatever.....I dont like to think of all that, you know?

[enufalreddy]

Thank you all for your support and words of wisdom and comfort. The toe is a lovely shade of purple and very tender but I don't think it is truly broken.Nothing they can do about it anyway. I went and got myself some open toe shoes yesterday so I'm all set. Hoping we don't get any more snow !!!!!!!!!!!I too have always felt closer to my God when I am out and about in nature.There is so much peace in a walk in the woods. I think that is why I love fishing so much. Sitting on the riverbank listening to the breeze in the trees and the birds and crickets,etc. Pulls me closer into harmony with the spiritual world.Peace to all, Erma

[daveydow1]

For Erma,

I hope your toe is going to heal soon. Your outings

on the banks of the river to fish sounds wonderful.

I have never caught a fish in my life, but can recall

when I was a young teen, and I went fishing with my

Dad (now deceased). Those were some of the best times

in my life. Nothing like nature to strengthen our

spirituality, I believe. May you do a lot of fishing

this summer, and find peace & tranquility.

Daveydow1----Sherry

[aprilsmom]

Hi to all my favorite people! I was away for several days because my older brother had a quadruple bi-pass. He is doing amazingly well. I was the rock for my sister and 2 brothers and nobody expected that. "Gee", I said to them, "Dave is ALIVE". I guess they got it. I relate to the person here who said, "who cares anyway", but I wanted to respond to Jo about her daughter wearing her son's jacket. I wear April's things alot and I BELIEVE you son went to that party with your daughter. Please read the ADC thread about what happened to me the other day when I decided to wear April's t-shirt to work. It matched my warm-up pants and I work with kids in wheelchairs, so it was appropriate for the day -----oooh baby, was it ever....mamabets-you will get a charge out of what happened. Love you all, Renee

[julsmom]

Renee, I went to the ADC thread - what a beautiful story and what a beautiful thing you did for the trucker and his son. Lynda

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom- You have made me smile and I am so proud to be in the company of people like you...I love you!! You posted at 4:44 on ADC, then came here to post, ending with a mamabets tidbit-!! Go read what I posted to you on ADC tonight!!! xoxoxomamabets

[maureensmom]

What's "ADC"?

My husband and I are going back to the treatment center that treated my for my alcoholism 8 years ago. They have these 2-day revisits for patients and their significant others, a time to sit in groups, talk to counselors, etc. My husband has always been too busy to go with me, but this time it's different. Maybe us being away from home will help some. All of a sudden, I keep having this constant thought that if I had just loved Maureen a little more, been a better mother, maybe she wouldn't have died.

Georgia

[mamabets]

For maureensmom- ADC is After Death Communication- There is a forum here at Beyond Indigo, ADC, Visions, and Dreams, with lots of stories that you would like to read, I am sure, Georgia!! I, for one, have had incredible experiences surrounding Danny's visits to me since his departure... Truly amazing... I love you! xoxoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Georgia, I'm sure you couldn't have loved Maureen any more than you did or been a better mother. I hope that the visit goes well and that you and your husband find some peace. Lynda

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}} ~

I have been reading and praying for all of you. I’ve been occupied recently with helping a friend through the death of her father in law, after losing her own father July 2005. And with the assorted crises of other dear friends, so I haven’t had time to respond here.

I don’t have to look in the mirror to see that I’m older. I know I am, therefore I know I look it. I feel old, and the saying is “you’re only as old as you feel.” I feel twice my chronological age. Stress and grief will do that to you, which is why I emphasize taking good care of yourselves.

It’s wonderful to read so many of you discussing the healing benefits of nature. I think I have always realized this and embraced nature, but even more so since Michael’s passing. One of the best things that we can do for ourselves is take a walk. Even if nature is just a slice of trees and flowers in your neighborhood, it is still there to soothe and inspire you.

I know that the month of April holds difficult dates for many of you, and my prayers for your strength are with you. Please post a reminder about these significant dates in advance, so that I may concentrate my prayers and light my candles for you and your children. I wish we had a handy calendar at the top of this forum!

April is the month that I start feeling the impact of Michael’s physical absence. His last month at home before his illness/hospitalization. That means that May is close. And there is that gearing up, that anticipation, that dread, the disturbance of the wound, the refreshing of memories, and all of that stress we place upon ourselves in preparation. I don’t want to do that this year. But I probably will.

I’ve been thinking that I should find something creative, constructive, meaningful to occupy my time, with the hope that I can distract my thoughts and emotions from the turmoil I’ve put myself through the previous two years.

Then, I thought that since I will be re-experiencing Michael’s final journey during that time anyway, I might as well start compiling my book about him. Most of it is written as I kept a daily journal by updating an online forum to which I belonged. I’ve been wondering when I would dive into this book, and perhaps this is the time to do it.

But first, April brings taxes, which I have put off doing again this year. It is so painful for me to do the taxes. In 2003, Michael had lived for 6 months of the year, so I declared him for the last time as a dependent. That was torture, but then not declaring him in 2004 and 2005 was torture as well. After 32 years of writing Michael’s name on everything pertaining to our family, the absence of his name is profoundly evident. So, I avoid the taxes until I’m on a deadline, and then I get stressed out over that! Grief makes you silly too sometimes.

And just to add to why I feel and look much older than I actually am – Jon didn’t sleep for 38 hours straight, and now I’m worried about him. He finally slept last night for 10 1/2 hours. Now we have this goofy time change to incorporate into our schedule, which is difficult when you are feeding someone 6 times a day, and giving meds at different times throughout the day.

Jon’s major seizures have been associated with sleep and with hormonal changes. Insomnia is a potential trigger, and Jon is entering the age range for a hormonal change.

So, now we are hovering, because Jon’s seizures are always life-threatening. We have a wonderful hospital, but we’ve been through all of the neurologists, and none of them are genuinely interested in treating my sons. They have no experience treating long term, intractable seizures, nor with treating men who have developmental disabilities. Of all of the specialties, these are the quirkiest bunch. None of them are particularly fond of me, either, because I refuse to drug my children into a zombie state.

So those are the woes of Rose~which is my nickname, by the way. And, now I’m off to hover and to grind out numbers. In between, I will take a moment here and there to walk and to find a breath of peace in my tiny little stretch of nature outside my back gate.

I will be here reading and praying and lighting my candles for all of you. God Bless each one of you and grant you peace and comfort today and everyday ~ and may you always feel your precious child very near ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

Dear Rosyln,while reading your post,i could relate to everything you were writing,i too have been wanting to write a book,people are always telling me they can't believe the life i have lived,and i am not even 50 yet,although like everyone else i do sometimes feel much older due to all the stess in the last 6 years.i have loss so many loved ones and with John being ill,every day is a battle just to keep what little sanity i have left.Today was such a bad day,i also agree i think it is because of the time change,plus with the spring weather,it just makes me miss Nathan even more,if that is possible.I too am late with my taxes,and i didn't realize until i read your post ,i probally have been puttin it off because of Nate.My accountant already told me i could claim Nate ,because he was here the month of Jan,but just the way she says it ,like lucky for me,also makes me crazy.ALSO i have been walking my dog in the woods near my house,and it has been the one nice and relaxing thing that i do lately...Sorry this is a tough time for you ,i will be thinking of you ,and i will say a prayer,..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[maskott]

Rose...I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Sometimes, I hate to say this to myself...but I have it easy compared to you. When I think what you have gone through and what you are still going through, I ask myself "how can I complain". You are remarkable. I know you will probably say "we do what we have to do".

Last week was tough, after Mattew's birthday party on Sunday. I haven't cried so much in a long time. Jeff and I are going to start walking today. We have a nice state park by our house so walking in nature will be good. I agree, nature has never been so beautiful since Matthew died. The skies are more vibrant and the clouds are unbelievable.

As to feeling older....yep..me too. In fact I told my doctor that I suddenly felt my age. I look in the mirror and can't believe that it's me. He was nice enough to say that I didn't look any different to him...that I just felt different because of the stress and pain.

I've been finding it difficult to write here, all of a sudden. I start to write and then my heart starts pounding and I feel so strange, so I think I'll end this here. I hope everyone is managing as best they can. You are all in my heart and prayers, always.

BettyAnn

[Mazey2]

Rose, I so understand the daily care you give your son. Chad wasnt' that dependent, but the first few months home from rehab were constant concerns. I understand the exhaustion you must feel, and there is NO break in the worry....

Today, is Chad's 'Angel Date'. So far, it's okay....the day before is usually the worst, cuz I tend to "relive" that day and what he went thru... then he died at 12;15am on the 3rd..yesterday, I tried to block out the pain, cuz last year I was losing it. Each year is different.

The nature thing is so helpful....I hope many had the chance to read the quote I wrote last week that our 'Erica's MOM' had shared a long time ago....it is awesome.

Still sharing, Linda

[bokenhearted]

To all who have been posting over the last week or so. I am feeling for all of you. It really does help us to be here for each other. A friend of mine sent me an email today which bought tears to my eyes but that was OK. It just showed me how much she is thinking of me and that she cares. I am going to post it on here for all of you to share because I think it relates to us all.

Take care everyone.

Jo

PEOPLE COME INTO YOUR LIFE FOR A REASON

People come into your life for a reason, a season or alifetime. When you

know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need

you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to

provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically,emotionally

or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are

there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on

your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do

something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die.

Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a

stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire

fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered

and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come

to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make

you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually

give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only

for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build

upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept

the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all

other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind

but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season

or a lifetime.

[julsmom]

mazey2(Linda) - may you find peace and comfort this day. Lynda

[daveydow1]

For Mazey2--Linda,

My thoughts & prayers are with you today, Chad's

angel day. May you find peace and a warmth in your

heart for Chad's love for you, and your love for him.

[lorismom]

For Linda - Thinking of you and hoping you find peace and comfort on Chad's angel date.

For BettyAnn - Glad that you have a state park nearby so that you and Jeff can start walking. My husband and I go walking almost everyday. Being out in nature brings us the most peace.

For Roslyn - I am so sorry for the difficult time that you are going through. You are always an inspiration to me and my thoughts are with you and your son, Jon.

For Jo - What a beautiful email that you received from your friend. Thank you also for being a part of my life.

Take care,

Patty

[griffinsmom]

Im finding this new attitude emerging....I dread the next day...like today is Monday, I dread Tuesday...I just feel dread and no changes and whats the point. Then, i dont care about anything. I used to be passionate, have purposes, I used to care...now, I really dont. Really- just care about being a good mom for Gianna, and thats all I do, 24/7- my husband has been working in Louisiana for 6 months now....we talk on the phone, but I needed him, and he went anyway- and now, I dont know how I feel. Very Alone. Even Griffin isnt coming home. I feel like I let this man (my husband) into our lives...mine and Griffins...and Griffin had to suck it up- he's a kid who only had his mother (me)his whole life..- and now Griffins gone-and had to deal with all those emotions of me getting married, and then me having a baby... and my husband thinks his (developing) business is so important he should leave his grieving wife with a new baby....

I have no career goals,(Ive been a high school science teacher for 17 years...) nothing I care about except raising Gianna, and reuniting with Griffin. Why is this continuing to be so unmanageable? I guess you could say after a year and 3 months- the unmanageable-out of control feeling dosent last as long...but seems to be just as profound.

Anger, guilt, resentment,(not to mention the driver of the car)- and this beautiful baby girl surprise for me at 45....trying to sum it up...right?

I know everyone can relate~ so I will end here. Advice? Related problem(s)? Plz, share.

Sorry for the rambling- sorry for everyones losses....I wish I could change things for all of us.

[julsmom]

Girffinsmom - I am so sorry that you are dealing both with your grief and a new baby alone. I believe we can all relate to a lot of what you say/are going through. I certainly understand about career (I'm 55, been a secretary last 15 yrs - not really anything else I can do). I can't remember - have you sought counseling or bereavement group like Compassionate Friends? Yes, there are still the unmanageable, overwhelming times and yes they are just as deep but do not last as long. I try to remember those in-between better days when the darkness comes. I pray that you can do the same. Peace, Lynda

[enufalreddy]

Griffinsmom........all I could think of when I read your post was how this is something I would expect to see on the Dr. Phil show. I would feel abandoned by my husband in your situation. Does he visit? Can you go and stay with him in La. for a while?Is this a situation you knew would arise when you married him...that he would be gone for months at a time??? I hope that you have some kind of family support at home or church. Are you getting any counselling help?I know that I need help and support from as many sources as I can get it from.You can email me if you like......gcrazyerma@aol.com.......I will answer.In any case...keep your chin up if you can at least for the sake of your little one.And keep coming here and let us support you.Peace to you and a kiss for the cheek of the baby....Erma