Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,i am so sorry that you are having such a differcult time,i too am having those dread days that you talk about.I loss my Nathan about the same time,it was a year at the end of jan.Does your husband at least come home to visit,i understand how it is to have a business,but you are right,he also has a family that needs him home.It almost sounds like he is using this work to escape,maybe he doesn't know how to deal with grief.Do you have any other family members around to help,i know i feel very lonely most of the time,i was so use of having lots of kids around my house when Nate was here,and now my house seems so quiet all the time.Feel free to email me if you need someone to talk to,my email is on my profile,you will be in my prayers...T/C K athy,Nate's mom forever

[isabelle]

I don't know which is worse, a husband who is away all of the time or a husband who acts as if nothing ever happened, or worse, acts like he doesn't care. That is what I live with. I grieve alone.

Isabelle

Ray'sMom

[mynicholas]

Hello to Everyone,

I haven't posted or really read in a while, however when I do, I do read "everything" that all of you have to say.

I can feel for and with EVERYONE who feels they are grieving "alone"! It will be one year May 8th that my Nicholas has been gone, and I kid you not, I HAVE BEEN GOING THROUGH this tremendous pain ALONE! I know my two girls are too grieving and the mother of my grandson, however, it's "my" child that I've lost!!! This guy that I am so desperately trying to "escape" from this "one cold-hearted, unfeeling person". When I hear of other couples who have "each other" I would never know what it's like to actually "depend" one someone to just simply understand!! I feel I am aging everyday, due to this "whatever" it is I have inside, I can't ever just sit and cry unless I am by myself, I feel like I am going to just explode and when I do, no one will ever know I did because it will all be on the "inside"!

Thank all of you here! Where I can come and tell all of you how I am feeling today!

Rose

[griffinsmom]

First, I must say thanks for all the responses- sometimes thats just what a person needs...a little feedback-

To Enufalready:....I do feel abandoned, Im not going to Louisiana- Im lucky if I can handle a day out in familiar surroundimgs...this is definitely not something we ever diacussed could be a part of our marraige-

...No family,no more kids around,...working on counselling. But today, everything was OK- just this deep empty feeling I think we all have. I am blessed with Gianna- she is just indescribable.

Thanks again, all of you- and I am sorry we are in this boat.

[Mazey2]

First, THANKS to all who remembered me on Chad's Angel Date. It just is always going to be a dreaded day.

Kathy, I haven't read anything lately about how your husband is doing?

Rose, I understand when you say "my child"! It is significantly different than any other relationship loss. Plus, you are separating yourself from a guy in your life. So, I'm sure your loneliness is giant. Don't ya just wish we could "hug" strength to each other. But, as Griffin's Mom said, sometimes we just need to hear that others sincerely care, and understand. It does help ALOT! It validates our feelings, rather than no response. I believe some men just don't know how to respond to our incredible pain.....but, it shouldn't be impossible for them to some way respond to us. My guy isn't very good at supporting me either. I mostly feel I have to "support" myself. Not easy, but sometimes less hurtful, than wanting it from someone and them not giving it.

I know if it was his son, he'd be in a heap 24/7....(he's probably another one of my poorer choices.....)I have always been pretty strong, and forced to be independent so it is difficult for people/and him to see me need...

Griffin's Mom, you are really in a painful situation, thank God you have your daughter(I love her name!)Know that we, here, do truly care and sympathize... There needs to be someone you can get support/understanding from. Not to be preachy, but do you believe in God? Can you pray? Can you feel any relief in talking to a higher power? I know it is not tangible, but honestly, if I didn't have that I'd be more of a mess. Just an idea.

Sharing, Linda

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

I apologize for the length of this message. I’ve been writing it in intervals these past two days, and it just keeps growing! Thank you to all who have prayed for us and sent us positive thoughts. Jon is feeling much better now. He finally caught up on his sleep. He was also a bit dehydrated, but that is now resolved. Maybe he just likes to keep us on our toes by throwing us a curve every now and then! Even though we sleep in shifts, neither Jim nor I sleep very well when something is “up” with Jon. Both of us are looking forward to some shut-eye ourselves now.

Kathy~ Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Perhaps I was meant to post about my taxes’ saga to remind you to do yours! Tax time is stressful enough, without the added sorrow of the loss of our children. I can certainly understand your response to your accountant’s remark about claiming Nathan. She can’t possibly imagine how that affected you, I’m sure, as she was in her business mode when she said it. You and John are in my prayers too. How is John doing? Has he started treatment? Is he taking the flax seed oil with cottage cheese or yogurt? I hope so, as my friend’s recent bone scans indicate she is cancer free, and her bones should be riddled with lesions by now. Please do try it, if he hasn’t already started it. He has everything to gain, and nothing to lose by taking FSO with sulfrated protein. Sending healing energy to both of you.

BettyAnn~ You are right -- I will say that we do what we have to do. That goes for every one of us.

My children are my life. Caring for them is my joy; worrying for them is my job. I consider myself an instrument in God’s concert. This is the part that He asked me to play, and I have never questioned His choice. I never think of myself as remarkable. I have never known a life (as an adult) without my children, which is why it is so difficult for me to imagine it. And I adore my boys. That’s how I manage. I’m not remarkable, but love is.

I truly appreciate your thoughts and prayers and send them back to you.

My best advice to you right now is: if you feel anxiety when you write messages to the forum, then you need to take some time away from that for now. I think you might be hitting the point where your grief is overwhelming you. Matthew’s birthday was likely a turning point in your journey, and you need time to rebuild and recover. There will be times when it’s difficult to talk about what you’re feeling, because those feelings run so very deep. Be sure to remember to give yourself space. Walking in the park with Jeff is a fabulous idea, good for both of you in so many ways. Get out there and breathe in fresh air and regenerate your spirit. You will feel better.

Linda~ On Monday, April 3, I lit a candle and prayed for you in memory of Chad and in honor of his and your courage. Were you able to block out the pain? The “reliving” part is incredibly difficult. I will do that again this year, and as I said, I might as well compile my book while I am doing it. I remember every second of Michael’s final three weeks, as if it just happened. And then I relive the 10 days following, which I spent putting together Michael’s beautiful memorial service. I think it’s unavoidable. Do you look at the clock at 12:15 every day? I look at the clock at 10:25 a.m. every day, as that is the recorded time of Michael’s passing. I stop what I’m doing and pray for him and for myself. Right now, I’m saying a prayer for your strength and comfort.

Jo~ Thank you for sharing that beautiful sentiment. Your friend truly did show you how much she cares for you, and those tears you shed were also tears of joy for her friendship. I’m so glad that you have such a caring friend to be there for you.

Lynda, Sherry, and Erma ~ You are so faithful and supportive. Just want you to know that I appreciate you.

Patty~ Thank you so much for your positive thoughts for Jon and for us. It means so much to know that others care and are thinking of us. Good for you and your husband for walking together. May you find healing in those moments.

Griffin’sMom~ I think you’ve entered the “reality phase,” which is typically sometime during the second year. Now, you must learn to adjust to Griffin’s physical absence, which stirs up memories and feelings of regret, guilt or wonderings, as well as thoughts of your future without him here. I don’t know whether it helps to know that what you’re experiencing isn’t unusual. But I think that your feelings and emotions are expected and common among grieving parents.

At your age, you might also want to consider hormonal changes as contributing factors to how you are feeling, which actually compounds everything. If you can take Oil of Evening Primrose, Vitamin E, Vitamin C, and a B Complex, as well as calcium/magnesium, and zinc, you might feel a little better physically, which always helps our emotional state. It worked for me, when I was your age, and still does. Eat soy nuts and use wild yam underarm deodorant (for estrogen and progesterone balancing).

Does your husband know how you feel about him working out of state and that you need him near you and Gianna? Can you share your feelings with him? His absence must feel like another loss to you right now. Is there a compromise, such as coming home every other weekend or even once a month? I hope that you can arrange something to allow you time together, as I think that would help you greatly.

I strongly feel that you were blessed with Gianna for a reason – she is your hope, your purpose in life. She will guide you to joy and happiness as she grows and blossoms. Through you, she will know her brother. Perhaps your daughter is your “second career,” the one devoted to teaching her the wisdom you have gained from your experiences. There is no better job, no higher calling, than that one.

Life can become routine, but living should not. I have learned to take nothing for granted, which enriches my existence and allows me to cope with life’s trials. Every day is one more day on Earth with my son and my husband, and one day closer to being reunited with Michael. It does work both ways.

I’m praying for your strength and hope.

Isabelle ~ I’m so sorry that your husband isn’t helping you. I know it isn’t the same, but you are not alone, as we are grieving with you. I will say a prayer for your husband to understand your pain and your need, as well as his own, which he may be suppressing, and that you find comfort together.

Rose ~ I’m sorry for you as well that you are going through these feelings without support. I will pray for you as well. You know that we understand.

I just did a quick Google search for : “marital stress from death of a child.” Here’s the first one I checked:

http://marriage.about.com/od/stress/qt/stresstest.htm

It lists the Top 5 Life Changing Events, and Death of a Child is Number ONE. No surprise there. The fifth one is separation from spouse due to work or marital difficulties.

We are all swimming upstream.

My heart goes out to all of you. I’m praying for you, and my candle is lit for you and your children. Be good to yourselves. Take care of yourselves. May you always feel your precious children very near you and hold them in your dreams~

Love & Light,

Rose

[julsmom]

Mom2Angels - you are always there for all of us. As to your thought:

"We are all swimming upstream." -- Sometimes I feel like we are swimming up Niagara Falls. Peace. Lynda

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- Your inspirational messages are just wonderful... I remember "meeting" you here, and saying to myself .... Attitude~ "I want what she has". Our similar heartaches?? Obviously not-!!! The ability to find hope in the middle of this? Yes. The knowing that our angels are where they are, so therefore "follow them and honor them" in doing so? Absolutely!!!! What "goes along" after this loss, changes mid-stream, everyday... So, I have chosen to listen to my Danny, as he hears my heart do whatever he wants for me to do at any given moment. I love "I'm not remarkable, but love is" and "Caring for them is my joy, worrying for them my job"... My oh my, my dear friend, what you have endured along your way too... I think about you always and love you so, so much!!! Please email me when you can and let me know how you are all doing!! xoxomamabets

[peacefulnow]

Someone should write a book with all the wonderful quotes from this website. Such amazing thoughts put into beautiful words. No matter how bad a day it is for me, I always find some emotional strength here. What a special group.

Mom2angels, Rose. Not only are you a “mom to angels”…I think you may be one yourself! You are incredible.

Julsmom, Lynda. About ‘swimming up Niagara Falls’…yes, it sure does feel that way. That made me laugh. Thanks, I needed that today.

Today is three months since Ian passed away. I felt so tearful yesterday, and wondered why…then I realized the date. It must be a subconscious thing that kicks in and activates all those still raw emotions. I had a good cry this morning and wrote in my journal. There’s something therapeutic about putting thoughts on paper. Question: When, if ever, does your energy level return to what it was previously? My energy level seems so low. I take care of myself with proper nutrition and exercise, but I just seem to drag myself through the days.

May we all find that illusive feeling of peace…that seems out of reach so much of the time. Cindy

[griffinsmom]

Rose~

Thank you so very much for your detailed response...You seem to have hit the nail on the head, so to speak, and I will try the ideas you have presented me with. Sometimes all people really need is a little feedback to help them on the way. Thank You.

[julsmom]

Cindy - I'm glad I made you laugh. I am originally from Western New York and spent a lot of time watching the Falls. Julie took friends there while she was in college in PA. The Falls is such an awesome thing to me but the fury and the swiftness can be overwhelming. Yet when the energy is harnessed it produces electricity. Maybe that is what we need to do, harness some energy from this grief. As for the subconscious thing I think you are right. Next Thursday will be 30 months (2 1/2 yrs). I can feel the anxiety, tears, whatever already beginning. Peace to all. Lynda

[daveydow1]

Mom2Angels,

Thanks for your inspiring words. I am trying to reconcile

myself to playing with the hand I've been dealt in life.

While one does not have a choice in that---it can get to

be so very exhausting. Coming to BI regularly, I find that

I can gain encouragement from everyone else's posts. Also,

I believe that at times, grieving for a lost child can be

a very lonely and solitary thing. Reaching out to each other,

here at BI helps me stay balanced as much as I am able to be.

Sherry---Daveydow1

[daveydow1]

To Everyone,

Thought I would share with you an incident that happened

to me several nights ago. I like listening to my shortwave

radio at night. While scanning the dial, to see what I could

come up with, I came upon a place where all I could hear was

the sound of a beating heart. I listened for a few minutes,

and decided that it was a remote station that I was not able

to bring in, and was hearing part of the static noise. But,

I swear it sounded just like a beating heart. It made me think

that it was telling me that Davey's 'spirit' heart still beats on the

"other side". Sounds crazy---I know. Oh well, maybe I'm losing

it. Hope you all understand. It's true.

[isabelle]

Daveydow,

I don't think you are losing it. I think you need a good tape recorder and to tune in often. Please check out aaevp.com and worlditc.org. Recordings from the other side.

Isabelle,

Ray'sMom

[mamabets]

For daveydow1- Hello my friend... No, you are absolutely not losing it- I can assure you that what you "feel" ,you know. Do yourself a BIG favor and get the book "Hello From Heaven"- You will be amazed at how connected you still are to Davey- And, how connected he most definately is to you. No if, ands or buts about it!!! You are his mom and he is your kid!!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Griffinsmom- I just spent a long weekend in Stuart/ Palm Beach Gardens. It was my mother's 80th birthday, and my niece just had a little baby girl. While it was the "east" coast of Florida, and my Danny lived on the "west" coast, traveling is so weird now- It reminds me of how painfully different my life is. Such adjustments to be made- Many that NEVER will be, so I just fit them into my life, somehow, and even that changes from day to day. I have a sister in Port St. Lucie- Perhaps we could meet the next time I get to Florida. Keep coming to see us here- In time, you will be amazed at how we will take care of you, as you take care of us. We all try to cradle these broken hearts!!! Put your face to the sun today and think of us!!! We are now living in North Carolina -Jackie and Julia moved to Chicago- Our feet will ALWAYS be bare in Florida!!! My sister and 2 nieces have all been teachers in Florida!! Take Care- Feel free to email me any time!! I would love to hear about Gianna!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[enufalreddy]

Blessings to all of my friends here at BI. What a lousy way to be brought together...but what a wonderful bunch of bananas we are. Since I had my mini breakdown last week and broke my toe I have been feeling a little better.I guess I needed to get the poison of that anger out of me somehow.For the first time since his passing I have dreamt of my Walter.What a relief and a joy.The anger must have been standing between us so that he couldn't get through to me.Thank God I kicked that wall and screamed my lungs out.I have much more peace now than before.I have heard of many books to read on communications with our lost loved ones but I think I am going to start with the one Mamabets talks so much about...Hello from Heaven.I feel encouraged,at least for now, that some kind of symbolism is possible as communications with the spirits of others.Call me crazy but I believe it and even more than that I need to believe it.Hope...that is what I have gained.I wish you all peace and hope today. It's like I've been told in other situations..."Don't give up before the miracle happens." ............Erma

[peacefulnow]

Enufalreddy, Erma. I’m so glad to hear you’re doing better. That’s so good that you are feeling a sense of peace…and a dream of Walter too. I’m really happy for you. Walter, and all of our other precious angels, do signal us. And it’s funny that you say it happened only after you felt a sense of peace…that has been my experience too. When the sadness is driving me mad, and I’m in so much turmoil, and I feel like I need it the most….nothing. When I’m in a more tranquil state and least expect it…it happens. Maybe we’re just more receptive to it when we’re calm. I don’t know. But, whenever it happens, it fills my heart with so much joy. At those times, I know Ian is there with me. It’s like a warm embrace that touches my soul. “Hello from Heaven” is a treasure…I recommend it just as so many others have. Wishing you all peace and tranquility…even if it’s just for a few moments at a time. Cindy

[Mazey2]

Highway to Heaven is an awesome book, one of the first I read that reallly felt good! Hopeful! And, as I always say....if we believe it is communication from our child, it probably is. AND, as soon as we start to be open to the possibility that it is, we see/hear more and more things that are probably things we need to pay attention to! Since Chad's passing, there are SO many things that probably are him trying to get thru to me, since they weren't there before. This number thing that we have, (a number that was a special # to our family that we recognized as a "lucky/special" # is all over the place...meal reciepts, when we look at the clock, ticket #'s, room #'s....everywhere!) I totally believe are lil' ways he is touching our lives. Artina has the number 42 that they see and recognize. It was a "connection" before their deaths, and now a way they can get our attention to let us know they are "here" with us!

Believe, if you want.....what harm is there in believing if we choose too. "Others" don't always believe in it, but "others" haven't been thru what we have! Remember, where we are brings such pain, but I think our kids/Angels offer us another dimension of spiritualsm that others don't have.

I blocked the severe pain earlier this week on Chad's Angel date....then yesterday, some simple thing triggered the LOSS. WE must just know that there will be "times" we melt down, regardless of time passed. However, other times we can tolerate daily living again, cuz we simply have to....Coping mechanism, I guess, and sometimes that "coping mechanism" is down the tubes! And that's okay....we are humans who have lost a most important gift in our lives, we will always feel that loss. Sharing, Linda

[briansdad]

Just thought I’d relay this story that a Mom told us last night at our Bereaved Parents Meeting.

She released balloons to honor her son’s birthday. On them was a note telling the person who finds them to write back and tell her where the balloon was found.

She got her first letter the other day. It was from a man who went to the cemetery to visit his mother’s grave. She has an angel on top of her marker. On the outstretched arm of the angel was one of the balloons with the note on it.

He wrote back that his mother was an angel in life and must still be someone’s angel.

Maybe showing her son the way around heaven.

I just thought it was a neat story.

All of you take care.

[bokenhearted]

Erma

I am pleased you are feeling more at ease. It is just as well that when we vent our pain it does give us a release. Bad luck for your toe though. :-)

You mentioned the book Hello from Heaven, do you know who wrote it as I would like to try and get my Library to order it for me. The more information I have the better.

I hope you keep feeling the peace you have just now for quite some time. Take care, pamper yourself and look after that toe.

Jo

[bokenhearted]

Briansdad

What a nice story about the balloons. It warmed my soul as I have just recently released balloons for my Karl. i didn't think about writing on the balloons but I think it is a great idea.

Jo

[mattsdad]

8 months have come and gone since Matthew has left us... Each day is filled with so many emotions. Each day is different. ..Hope...Despair...Anger...

At this point in our journey we know that we are not alone with all of you here at BI.

Every day is a challenge.

But together we will make it to tomorrow....

Jeff

[mattsdad]

To mamabets

Just hours 'til we make it real...

Jeff

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- JUST came on here and was DEEP in thought, thinking about you guys!!!! We are about ready to make Beyond Indigo history, maybe!!! I wonder if any others have "met"??? We need to work on a yearly gig somewhere with all!!! THEN, we have to work on getting everyone to come live in the Carolinas!!! Oh, how I wish!!! I can't wait to see you and we will be snapping the camera LOTS!!! Remember, our little Rosie loves white socks, and she will be checking them out !!!!!! I love you!! xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maskott- I hope that you are holding up... Just try to hold on in knowing that we will make some special, special memories this trip... OK?? I can promise you that... I love you and can't wait to see you!! xoxoxoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

For Brokenhearted,

You wanted to know the author of the book "Hello from Heaven".

He is Bill Guggenheim (with wife Judy Guggenheim). I believe

that I have already read this book, but I am going to check it

out again to make sure. I guess I just went into my "librarian

mode" when you asked for the author. (I used to work in the

library, but am now retired from there.) Wishing you peace.

Sherry

[daveydow1]

Isabelle and Mamabets,

Thanks for your kind words regarding my experiencing

the sound of a heartbeat on the radio late at night.

As you say, it is good for our souls to believe that

these are messages and communications from our angels.

I will check out the sites for recordings from the

other side also. Thank you for your love and encourage-

ment. Peace be with you & your families.

[daveydow1]

Briansdad,

What an inspiring story about the balloons. We

have also released balloons, but never thought

to include a note. Thanks for sharing with us.

I wish you peace.

Sherry

[daveydow1]

Jeff & BettyAnn,

My heart feels for you at this 8 mo. stage on

your grief journey. As you say, we have all

sorts of roller coaster emotions to deal with.

One day at a time, (and sometimes one minute at

a time), but with the help of everyone here at

BI---somehow we do manage to survive. I wish

you peace.

[daveydow1]

Cindy,

I agree with you---I think we are more receptive

to messages from our angels whenever we are calm,

and when we least expect it. How wonderful for you

to have a dream of Ian. These dreams are real

treasures of gold, aren't they? I look forward to

another dream of Davey, whenever it comes along.

Take care, and you will be in my prayers.

Sherry

[maskott]

Sherry...Thanks for your post. Yesterday was hard being the 8 month anniversary. I cried all the way to work. All I kept thinking about was how I failed Matthew. I told Matthew that I couldn't forgive myself for all the things that I did wrong. I expect things to get easier and they just keep getting harder. I know that everyone's said the second year is even harder than the first so I shouldn't expect things to get easier.

Betsy...thanks for the thoughts. Tomorrow we head off to South Caroloina so we will be seeing you soon.

To all...you have helped us so much through each day. You've helped pick us up when we have fallen and soothed our pain when we hurt. Without you, we would not have made it this far. Thanks to all. Jeff and I are heading to South Carolina for a week. We are hoping the hotel has a computer so we can stay in touch, but if not, we hope you all have a good week. I have to say that this is hard for me because the last time we headed to South Carolina, is when Matthew died. Honestly, I don't want to leave the house but know that I have to.

Greg...just a side note to your balloon story. I tried to do that with Matthew's balloons. I figured I would laminate them so they would hold up better in the weather. When I tied them to the balloon, they were so heavy the balloon was dragged down...would not float. So a message to those thinking about this...don't make the note too heavy.

Hoping you all have a quiet and serene week. Of course, we will be thinking and missing you all.

BettyAnn

[lorismom]

For Sherry - I loved your post about the shortwave radio. It is comforting to know that others receive signs from their children. I am going to get the book "Hello from Heaven" that Betsy mentioned. I feel that now that I'm a little further on this journey, I am much more receptive to receiving signs from Lori. It really is good for our hearts and souls to experience some joy, if only for a brief moment. Hoping you receive more signs from your son, Davey. Patty

[julsmom]

Well, I just got back from Sat. chores - shopping. This is the first time I saw a young woman (from behind) who I wanted to run up to and say "Julie". She had the same dirty blonde hair, some physical features from the back. She had 2 small children and of course, when I go into my fantasy world about Julie she would be married with kids by now. It just brought tears to my eyes. When I went to drug store, there was a penny on the ground at the back of my car - 1993 (her high school graduation year). I usually can't read the date or care to read them but this was a bright shinning penny. Peace to all. Lynda

[daveydow1]

BettyAnn,

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry you had such a rough

day at the 8 mo. mark. These milestones can really

be difficult. I hope you & Jeff have a safe trip to

S.C. and have a nice time while there. It will be nice

to meet with Betsy & family. I pray that this trip will

prove to be an enjoyable and comforting experience for

your heart & souls. I believe Matthew will be happy for

you & Jeff. My prayers are with you.

Davey's mom--Sherry

[daveydow1]

Lorismom--Patty,

Thanks for your post. I agree, that receiving signs

from our angels is good for our souls, and look forward

to getting some more signs from Davey. I try not to

'wait' in anxious anticipation, though. I think they

do come to us when we least expect it. I have not heard

the heartbeat on the radio since that one time, but that's

ok. I heard it once. How old was Lori? I have always liked

the name Lori, and as it happens, I have always liked people

named Lori also. I had a good friend with that name. I hope

you have a sign from Lori when you least expect it, and it

will warm your heart. Peace to you always.

Sherry

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- I tried to email you some neat stuff but email was returned- Have you changed your email address?? Double check your profile, you will be amazed at some of the stuff on this one website that I want to send to you!! xoxox I love you!! mamabets

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad and Maskott- I am so excited, I can barely stand it... Call me from the road tomorrow, or I will call you- If you hear the phone, could be me making sure that brown or black socks are packed for Jeff- Boots would work- Rosie isn't into boots!!! She is the same size as one!! LOLOL!!!!! You could get tired and want to "land" here... Doors are open and boy, do we just FLOAT!!!

We have to get in as many laughs, hugs, stories and pictures as we can!!! I love you! xoxoxmamabets How many hours, do you know??

[kathy714]

Dear Jeff and BettyAnn,I hope you get to see this before your trip,good luck and have a nice trip,please give Mamabets a big hug for me,i sure wish i could join you guys.Mamabets is right,wouldn't be awesome if we could all get together and meet once a year ,LIKE a BI conference,where we could share pictures,and memories,and lots of prayers...Peace be with you and enjoy your trip...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[maureensmom]

I agree, I would LOVE it if we could all get together someplace. What a healing experience that would be for me. I haven't written a lot lately - busy trying to save my job. I've done an excellent job at pretending I'm not crushed by grief, and my boss seems happier. I can hear Maureen in heaven, cuss words at my boss but congratulations for me. One of the millions of ways that I miss her; she was such a cheerleader for me in my professional life, more biased toward me than my husband or anyone else I talk to about problems. I'm so sad this morning, it's like it just happened all over again.

Georgia

[mamabets]

For Maureensmom- You are so right, it does feel like it has happened all over again, when it begins to hurt just like it did the day that our lives changed forever. I wish that I could tell you that that part of it will go away, but I can not. What I can tell you, is with the intensity of this pain, a day can and will come when you will say to yourself, "Oh, what is that I am hearing down deep-?? I think that it is a little piece of me"- I remember that feeling, too, like it was yesterday, and since that time this thing called hope has begun to take over most of the hours in most of my days. While I seem to get "lost" still, I did before this happened!! Therefore, many parts of this are truly a beautiful thing to be a part of, as we desperately try to find our way, guided by a "voice" that is 100% familiar. I can no longer deny the part of Danny's departure that has led me to a whole new world that "guarantees" me many things, deep within the core of who I am and have always been. By continuing to sit at this computer, day after day, night after night, together Danny and I , with the help of so many, are doing great things. The bad guys are just removed from his loop, and that is a miracle. We know each other as well and as completely as we always have. He is still here, and we are still in perfect harmony with each another!! Naturally, it is unchartered territory for us both, so we make sure to "listen" to each other, as we travel the distance. His "death" can and never will take that away from either one of us. I love you, and am here for you always. xoxoxoxmamabets

[daveydow1]

Mamabets--Betsy,

The email address in my profile is correct. However,

I have found out from some others who have sent me

emails infrequently, that they sometimes end up in

my Bulk Folder, as the server must not recognize the

unfamiliar sender, and puts it over into the Bulk

folder. I have just emptied the folder today--without

looking through the over 400 messages. So, email me

again, and I will be sure & check the Bulk folder, &

mark your email as one I want to receive messages from.

COMPUTERS !!! Who knows how their little "brains"

think? ? ? Peace to you.

Daveydow1----Sherry

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- I tried to send stuff again, Sherry!! Returned again-!! xoxoxmamabets Remember, I am huntross4@aol.com

[lorismom]

For Sherry – Thank you for your post. I lost my beloved Lori at the age of 34. It will be 2 years on May 3rd. Over this past weekend, I worked outside planting flowers. I filled one flower box just for Lori with her favorite…..marigolds. She and I always loved being out in nature…..whether it was walking, picking a bouquet of flowers, or just sitting by a brook listening to the peepers. I love this time of year as it brings back so many fond memories of the special times I shared with my daughter. Although she no longer can share these things with me physically, I know she is with me in spirit. Last night, I ordered the book, “Hello from Heaven”. I’m really looking forward to reading it. I hope that you will receive more signs from your Davey. You are right, they do seem to come to us when we least expect it. Peace to you. Patty

[julsmom]

Friends - I could use some hugs right about now. It will be 2 1/2 yrs on the 13th of this month that Julie left us and tomorrow will mark 2 1/2 yrs since I saw and talked to her physically for the last time. I want to be strong and I am strong, so today I decided to go through some of the boxes of her things which are still stored in our garage (we had to pack up her apartment - most clothing is already gone, furniture donated at time of her death). I knew some boxes were safe like the one marked underwear, which I threw out. But there were a couple of coats like the last one we bought her as a Christmas present. Then I opened a box I knew I should not have marked pictures. I read some things she had written in her freshman year of college, looked at pictures of her and her boyfriend and cried and cried. It has to be done, it is my time to do these things. Then I started with the books, oh my goodness. She has so many!! (like her Dad). I just don't know what to do with them all. I want to downsize what I have yet I just can't give her things away without any thought to to them either. I spent an hour with everything, seems like forever and yet I didn't even make a dent. Thank you for letting me rattle on. Peace to all. Lynda

[deewithgreeneyes]

Hi Lynda, I give you a big hug. Funny, but I am doing the same thing. I was in the garage this morning and came across Michelle's things. Packed them up again and decided I am going to keep them for her little girl Kaili. I can't get rid of them, even her underwear. Theis Friday the 14th is her birthday. I am beginning to have panic attacks.

I have been reading everyone's post's. I have a hard time participating because I feel so much pain for all of you and myself as well. Michelle left us 3 months ago.....I am having a hard time coping. Been seeing a psychiatrist ( I flipped out the night they told me Michelle was killed and ended up in a psych ward for 3 days. ) I will never go back again to that place, no matter how bad it get's.

I am feeling extremely guilty that I did not die of my heart attack 7 months ago. I should have been dead, doctors are calling me their miracle patient. I don't feel like it was a miracle, I feel it was a cruel twist of fate. I would have gladly given up my life for my child in return. Why was I allowed to live and see my mom and daughter pass in 6 months? There are many days I sit and look at Michelle's urn of ashes and debate whether I should join her or not. The only thing that keeps me going is her little girl Kaili. She MUST know her mommy. I am the only closest link to her mommy.

I feel so helpless on this board. It is my nature to try and lift other's up when they are suffering...but I can't and I feel guilty about that as well. As if I am selfish, I cannot help but feel my own pain. What do we all do with all of it? I see all of us in the deep dark ocean of grief and all kinds of graons and cries coming from the water. Pain, sheer pain. Let me express to all of you...I am so sorry that there is so much pain for all of you, so sorry from the depths of my soul......

[peacefulnow]

Julsmom. Lynda, I’m sending you a big hug. I can only imagine how tough it must be to go through Julie’s belongings. Soon it will be two and a half years since you last saw her…that made me cry. It’s just so sad and difficult. My heart goes out to you. You’re handling what you feel needs to be done. Don’t get frustrated or judgmental amount how slowly you’re getting it done. Cut yourself some slack and realize that it’s a very emotionally draining job…it will take time, and that’s okay. Just go a pace that will allow you to feel all that is lost…a manageable pace that doesn’t overwhelm you too much. I wish I could be there with you…sharing all the memories and giving you a shoulder to cry on. Cindy

[deewithgreeneyes]

Dear Lynda, I am here giving you a hug. I feel your pain and the pain of all of you on this board. I read all of your posts everyday and I am sorry that I cannot participate. It is my nature to try and help people out of their pain but I cannot do it this time not because I don't care but because I feel helpless. I see all of us in a dark ocean, swimming towards the shore for safety and peace. The air is filled with cries of despair as we are all paddling for some sort of peace, acceptance of this great loss we are all feeling. To me the death of our child is a partial death of our soul atleast for me it feels that way. When Michelle died a big part of me died with her.

I feel guilty and angry that I did not die from my heart attack 7 months ago. The doctor's call me their miracle patient. I do not see it as a miracle, I see it as a cruel twist of fate that I had to witness the death of my beloved mother and daughter in 6 months. I would have gladly given my life in return for my daughter's. This is what has destroyed my faith that I used to have. It is utterly destroyed. Michellehas been gone for 3 months, her birthday is April 14th and I am sitting here stunned and having panic attacks. I want to be with my daughter, I want to see her beautiful smile, feel her warm hug and hear her voice. I fight everday not to join her and my mom.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Can anyone tell me about the "Hello from Heaven" book. What is it about? Also thos of you that have surviving children, how did your siblings react/ The reason I am asking this is because my son Mike and Michelle were very close. Since Michelle has died Mike has withdrawn from everyone in the family. When I go to talk to him, he says he can't talk about it and pulls away. I almost feel as though I have lost my son as well. He is so distant with all of us. Any suggestions? also I find myself getting really scared something will happen to him also. I never thought "This" would happen to our family but it did and it can happen again....I feel like I am cracking up.

[deewithgreeneyes]

I am feeling like I have to spill my guts today. I am seeing a counselor, I am on medication but nothing is working. To be honest with you this is my situation. I am living alone in this house that my children were raised in. It is up for sale. I hate being here. My mother died here 6 months ago and Michelle was a constant here after my mom died, helping me fix it up etc.

I lose track of time, don't want to get dressed, look like a crazy woman half of the time. My boyfriend of 2 and a half years bailed on me after Michelle died and I am screaming "Where is everyone". I yell at God and say "You have brought me to my knee's...where are you?" i yell at him and say"If my child was taken, why are you not hearing me...why is there no peace"........I remember a clergy member coming over to my house and saying God would smile on myself and Michelle for taking care of my mom in her last days.....where is he? This was a smile, taking my daughter from me. I am so envious of those out there on this message board that have a deep faith....I cannot find it. Even in nature...all I see are the things my daughter is mising that she loved so much. I can't bear to look at the ocean, it hurts me to see Kaili. Last week I saw her and she is so much like Michelle as a little girl. I hear her telling me she misses her mommy and I try and hold her and hug her and tell her mommy is OK and happy. But I don't believe it myself. Michelle would have never wanted to leave her baby girl....I heard that Michelle was crying for help as she was drowning and saying please help, she was going to die.....this is driving me insane. It was all overthe news...her last minute of life. I cannot

take it...I need help.....