Loss of an Adult Child

[peacefulnow]

jscmom, I went to your son's memorial sight. Oh my, what a gorgeous smile...he must have lit up a room when he walked in. The memorial is lovely. I'm sorry it is such a difficult time, especially with Johnny's 24th birthday just two days away. My heart goes out to you. Cindy

[heybud]

Dear Peacefulnow...as hard as it is to say, it is good to know that I have people who share my fears and sorrows...

I know what you mean about wrapping them in a cocoon. My husband and I had made Kelly follow through on a commitment he made, and that set him on the path where his accident occurred. I know that he probably would have done it without Roger and I reminding him of his responsibility anyway, he was the type of boy who would complain about things to be done, but actually would do them with out complaint if that makes sense...and I know I didn't make him go too fast, and I know I didn't cause the triggering event that cost him his life, but now I can not bring myself to suggest to anyone a different path or direction or suggestion because I am terrified that my input could put them into danger's way. Silly I know...and all the reassurances in the world aren't helping alot right now. Everytime my kids or husband tell me how they are going to achieve something, and I think I have valid input, I now bite my tongue.

I am acheing so badly. And yet, here I am at my office, working hard, directing staff, and if you don't see that the light is gone in my eyes, they forget how much pain I am in. I work in an office where I have been for 20 + years, and most here are tender and gentle with me, and when I start crying, someone just comes and hugs me, so I suppose I am luckier than lots, but I so want to just go home to bed.

I know how badly you miss Ian, and I am keeping you and all here in my thoughts and prayers.

Lisa

[maureensmom]

Dear Lisa - I know what you mean about your remaining children. I was so frightened after Maureen died that I would lose my remaining child, that I took him to the ER when all he had was a cold, then got crazy and left after the doctor saw us, without signing out or anything. (My husband was sort of scandalized.) My son has so many medical problems, and has had two emergency neurosurgeries this year, I always worried about losing him, never dreaming I would lose my daughter instead. Congratulations on that supportive work area. My work area is supportive, but things got pretty chaotic while I took those three weeks off after her death, and today my boss told me my job performance sucked, what was I going to do to get my department functioning well again? I drove home, pretty calm. He has NO IDEA how much effort it takes to just go to work, just get out of the truck after I have cried all the way to work. Of course my work performance is not the best. Everything is so hard right now, but it's only been a little over three months. I know I need to pull myself together, but how?? Thanks to everyone who gives such wonderful support to me here.

Georgia

[griffinsmom]

Hi-

I usually post on the teenager space- but read here often, and thought I should share my new idea...(a "coping strategy")...

I dont want to let go, I want to integrate.

I dont want to have a new life without Griffin- as much as people may say he is gone....he is not gone to me. So, I have figured out (I think I have been doing this all along) I need to integrate him in my daily life, in a relatively satisfying way. People talk of moving on, new life, ....I can not do these things "leaving Griffin behind". If that is the only way, then it will not happen. So- tonight, and forever, I will be integrating my son into my life with Gianna and her Dad, and myself in a comfortable way that will last at least my life on Earth. There are so many ways to do this- this website, chatting w/ others on the compassionate friends site, going to meetings, keeping the garden, keeping up w/ the tree and bricks, staying in touch with Griffins friends-online/offline...remembering that always I am representing...representing my Griffin, you know? I may have stumbled upon a coping strategy for us "hanger-oners"-so if you can add to this, please do!

[rhonda68]

Grifinsmom I feel the same way. When people tell me to move on and he is gone I just think whatever and I wont let go of my son he is here with me forever. I can see his face and hear his laugh and the gentle sensitive boy he was is just here. I am very annoyed with people and I just think dont tell me what to do or think unless its happened to you they have no idea. They think I should do this and I should do that and I just sit here and wonder could they if it happened to them. I absolutely cant beleive how non supportive people are and how many friends I have lost. This has definately been the worst experience of my life and a very awful long year. Sorry I have not been here for awhile but think of you all often.

Love,

Rhonda

[maureensmom]

Dear Griffinsmom - I love that idea. I'm not there yet, because I still can hardly stand to think about losing her, but I know the final answer is the building of a strong spiritual connection with Maureen. It's so easy when they are physically with us, because everything about bodies - talking, touching, such a strong reality - makes it easy to be connected. This is a lot harder. Thanks for the suggestion, though. I will never "get over it", she will always be my girl and I can see now that my memories of her will be as vivid at the end of my life as they are right now.

Georgia

[lorismom]

For Kathy - Thank you for your very nice message for Lisa and me. Your words are so true. We are all on the same journey but at different stages of the grieving process. I remember early on when I would come to this website and read everyone's posts. I was able to identify with the feelings people were experiencing and like you said......not feeling like I was going crazy. It really does seem to be a journey of trying to restore our mind, body, and spirit to a healthier balance. I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Nathan. Peace and comfort, Patty

[donosmom]

Before Matthew died I was a professional business woman, I went back to work 2 weeks after he passed and I tried, really tried to do my job, but no longer was my heart in it. Every priority in life changed for me and my family once again moved to the top of the list. Needless to say my job performance took a beating and after 2 years I was laid off. Society just does not get it, they expect after a very short time that you should be back to the way you were and that is not possible at least it isn’t for me. So much changes, as I said the change in priorities, energy, desire, they are all different now and passion for my job just wasn’t there anymore and unless you have traveled this journey I don’t think people have any concept of the impact on our entire lives that the death of our children have on us.

I now have a job that is pretty much 9 – 5 and I am a regular worker, and that is fine. I no longer have to take work home or miss family vacations.

Matthew’s Mama Mary

11-3-79 – 7-13-03

[kirksdad]

Donosmom, Mary, I know what you felt about going to work. We stuck it out, but it took quite a few years to feel anything normal about it. I remember having a conversation with my principal about a year after Kirk's death and him telling me he was quessing I was going over the deep end, but didn't. He was never supportive or ever wanted to have a real converstion about Kirk's death. I guess that is just the way it goes. It was just so hard putting up with everything, but I knew I had to keep going and keep trying, now I wonder if it was for the best or if I should have found a job somewhere else. It is so hard to return to work no matter when it happens, within a couple of weeks might seem like too soon, but after a couple of months may be too long. Work can help, we just have to figure out what is right for us and I can completely relate to what you went through. I look forward to retirement when I can do what I want in my own way. I teach science now, but would like to go back to teaching music and my retirement might just help me do that.

[Michaelsmom]

With regard to the fear of losing more than one child, I too like Heartbrokendad have lost two children. In fact, today is the first year anniversary of my daughter's death from colon cancer (reason why I'm here). I lost my son 3 1/2 years ago - yes, you do go on but I always believed that if you ever suffered the loss of one child, God would never be so cruel as to take another one. Well, guess what, I was wrong - reason why God and I have parted ways. But that is my cross to bear - in answer to the question you do go on. You have no choice - if you have other family who love you (and I do) then you go on for them. Days like today are very sad and break my heart but I also have good days such as taking care of my grandchildren. Going to a baseball game with my 15 year old grandson playing great. Enjoying vacation with my wonderful husband. Going to my part time job and enjoying the company of friends. Going to my weekly bowling alley where I bowl on a league and have fun with my fellow bowlers. These all bring me happiness. Although I have a broken heart I save my sorrow for nighttime just before bed. I talk to my son and daughter and go so sleep. I am thankful for my one surviving child, Maureen. She is a treasure. I have to remind myself how bad her pain is to have lost both her siblings (she is the baby). Anyway, I ramble on - please keep me in your thoughts today it's rough.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[julsmom]

michaelsmom - I can't imagine your pain today. Losing one child has been hard enough. I am so sorry for your pain. I am glad that you find happiness where you can. It is all any of us can do. Just to find peace where ever we can. You will be in my thoughts (and prayers) this evening. Peace, Lynda

[mom2angels]

{{{Michael's and Carolyn's Mom}}} ~ My candle is lit in honor of your two children, and my thoughts are with you this evening as you remember this day one year ago when Carolyn made her transition.

I wish that there was something that I could say to you to inspire you to renew your connection to God, as I cannot imagine what I would do without my faith. I am thankful for you that you have your blessings in Maureen, your husband, grandchildren, friends, and activities and that you find moments of happiness.

I often try to imagine the pain I will feel when my son, Jonathan, receives his wings, and I will walk in your shoes. But now I know that what I imagined before Michael's passing was nothing in comparison to the pain of the reality of his Earthly absence. So, I know that I cannot fathom your pain now.

It took me a few years after Michael was diagnosed with the same disabilities as Jon to recognize that life and death are a mystery. Both of my sons have/had been near death several times and survived against all odds. I don't know why they did, and then Michael couldn't hold on any longer. I don't know why they were born with their condition. I don't even know what their condition is.

Why are any of us here at Beyond Indigo? Why did any of our children have to die? Why should any parent have to endure the gut wrenching agony of losing a child?

I don't know the answers to any of the whys, but I believe that there are reasons and that someday I will know them. Someday, we will all know the answers. That's what I hold on to and where I find my strength.

I will say a special prayer for you tonight for your peace and comfort. Hug Maureen, your wonderful husband, and your beautiful grandchildren extra close. They are your blessings.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[bokenhearted]

Michael and Carolyn's mum,

I am so sad to hear of your heartbreaking loss of your 2 children. I also have a friend who has lost both of her sons. She has no remaining children and I just don't know how she copes. Not that hearing this will lessen your hurt. I have also lost my son to suicide. It is his birhtday today and he would have been 28. I have had a few really awful days leading up to today but surprisingly today was not as bad. I think maybe the anticipation of how I would feel was actually worse than the reallity. You may think this strange and I can't really explain it. It will be 1 year since he died on April 25. My husband daughter and I took balloons with forget me knot seeds in them and realeased them. We stood (in the rain) watching them float high up and off into the distance. Funnily enough 1 just floated low and then fell into the paddock. I hope those seeds germinate and flower later. I will have to check it out. All three of us were deep in thought as this happened but I smiled and thought Karl was just letting me know that he wanted some flowers for me to see. Well that is what I feel anyway,and it helps.

I understand what you mean when you say that you find happiness some days because you go on for the others who love you and who you love. I too feel this and as the days pass I find that I don't continually think of my loss but there are some days that are just the pitts. I find on those days I just don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything other than my own terrible sadness. Still I try to remind myself of others who have even more to bear than I, just like yourself. Please know that I feel deeply for your pain and I send my love.

Take care

Jo

[bokenhearted]

A little while back I asked you all for suggestions on what to do to mark my sons birthday. His first birthday since he died last April 25th. I took the advice that some of you gave to release balloons with forget me knot seeds. I thank you for the suggestion because I found it rather uplifting. I think my husband and daughter also got some benefit from it too. My husband is a man of few words and he didn't really say much today either but tonight he was on the phone to his brother and I heard him telling him what we had done. Normally they don't say a great deal to each other but for him to tell him what we did warmed my heart. Today has had its ups and downs but it wasn't as dreadful as I thought it was going to be. Does that make me a bad mother or am I moving on? It certainly doesn't mean that I don't miss him because I do. I miss his laughter and him arriving home from work with his cd blasting out of his car. I could hear it as he turned the corner of our street. Now there is just quiet... too quiet. thanks for listening.

Jo

[peacefulnow]

Special birthday wishes for Karl and his Mom, Jo. I'm so glad that you're finding some peace today. I hope those forget-me-nots flourish and warm your heart in the future. Cindy

[peacefulnow]

Michaelsmom, I’m so sorry that you have had to endure so much sadness and pain. To lose Michael three and a half years ago, and Carolyn one year ago today.

It really is all about trying your best to go on for your surviving family and friends, isn’t it? Hopefully, we can find some peace and happiness for ourselves in the process.

Nighttime, when the rest of the family is asleep…yes, that is my time for feeling all the emotions too. I don’t have to be strong or ‘normal’ for anyone then. I can just feel…it helps.

As you cherish all the surviving loved ones that mean so much to you, may you find some peace today. Cindy

[Michaelsmom]

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. It always helps me to come to this website when feeling low. I must say that Moms2Angels is an inspiration to me. Both my children died rather quickly. Michael's was an accidental overdose while Carolyn died 1 month after diagnosis of colon cancer. I can't imagine what you go through watching your children die slowly. You give me strength to go on. I'm glad you have your faith maybe I will again, someday. When I get down I will think of you and your daily burdens. We get strength from others. This I believe.

Take care

Carolyn and Michael's Mom

[julsmom]

I have to agree with those who have posted that we do find strength to carry on, to laugh and to enjoy life. Yes, there are some overwhelming moments when the extreme sadness returns, but as the time goes on the new joy comes more frequently. Unfortunately the thing that brings the most joy to me (spending time with our surviving son) also tends to bring the most pain on two fronts, one that he has to return to his home and two, that where there should 4 there are only 3. We haven't been able to see him since Christmas and won't see him until the end of April. I can't wait! May we all find peace and joy where we can. Lynda

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}} ~

I just cannot keep up with this format! I want to respond individually to each of you, but I find it so difficult to keep up and keep track of all of you! I even make lists before I post, and notes about your posts. But I don't have the energy to do that right now. Just know that I am reading and understanding and praying for all of you. I do want to give a shout out to Rhonda, as I was worried about you and glad to see you posting, although I wish that things were improving for you. And does anyone know anything about Deewithgreeneyes? She mentioned that she might be hospitalized and possibly have surgery on her heart this week. Lets all join together and send Dee some healing energy right now.

{{{Michael's and Carolyn's Mom}}} ~ I am honored to be an inspiration to you and to anyone else, and I feel that my larger life purpose is being fulfilled when others derive strength from my experiences. My strength comes from my magnificent children, from their purity and unconditional love, and their tremendous courage. They inspire me every moment of my Earthly life. I would not be who I am today without my children. I do not see my life as a burden. I see my life as a blessing. I am grateful for all of the gifts God has granted me. Every day is a gift. My children have taught me that life is fragile and brief. And every single second of it needs to be treasured. To the best of my ability, that is how I live my life. That is how you go on, how i go on, how we all must go on...find the beauty in life and embrace it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all tonight that you will feel your children's presence very near, hold them in your dreams, and find peace and comfort there ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

Hi everyone,,momof2angels,i agree with you i have a hard time answering post the other day and when i finally finished,i had timed out,and then didn't have time to go back to rewrite,so i end up getting discourged,and just read the post.I did notice that at least now you can scroll down to see all the post,while you are writing,that is new and helpful.You and everyone here are in my thoughts and prayer..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Bokenhearted,I am glad to hear everything went well for you and your family on your son Karl's birthday,i too notice the anxiety building up to the day is much worst than the day itself.I also find that the days that i don't think much about turn out to be the hardest for me,like halloween,i was so depressed,everyone was all excited and talking about all the different costumes that their kids have worn over the years,and it just made me so depressed,and i just felt so alone,go fiqure!Sometimes i notice the days after can be tough to,like after Nathan's birthday and angel day[they are the same day].You and your family are in my prayers,Kathy,Nate's mom

[lorismom]

For Roslyn - I can see how trying to write to each of us individually can be difficult for you. There are so many of us, unfortunately, experiencing the same type of tragedy. You are truly an inspiration to me and give me the strength and courage I need to continue my life as I now know it on this Earth. Thank you so much for your love and support. You are a blessing on this forum. Take care, Patty

[ericasmom]

Hello Everyone,

I hope Dee with Green Eyes is well, I am the other Dee, and I am sending prayers for her to be strong of heart and spirit. Prayers to the rest of us here as well, our hearts and spirits could use some strengthening. I feel though as Rosalyn stated, that even in this awful pain of losing a child, I feel blessed in my life with the love I have in my heart for my kids, and from them and the love I have for my sisters and all the nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews. I also feel blessed for the love for and from my third grade students, who become family very quickly in the fall. I love teaching and get to do what I love each day. This was not an easy thing to go back to after my daughter's death, but she died in the summer of 2003, and I had a month and 2 weeks before I had to decide. I went back and have not regretted it. I am quite sure it is the energy and purity of the children's spirits that I am able to breathe in and heal and learn to live again. In them I of course see my own children, but when you work with kids, each day is a day of wonderful surprises and hope.

Today though, I was feeling kind of down on the way to school, yesterday too, then I realized that it has everything to do with Erica's 22 birthday coming in early April. I reenter the hollow pieces where the pain knocks against the walls of my body. Gosh, it aches and then I listened to the news and two young people in the Chicagoland area were killed in two separate accidents yesterday and the day before. They were 18 and 19, and I just ache for the parents receiving that horrid phone call. I go back there someitmes, sometimes I can go there without feeling so low, but right now, coming close t Eri's birthday, I feel less able to handle it, and wish I could go help those families now. I jsut hate for anyone to have to go thorugh this, this that we all share.

Thanks for listening, my heart to each of you as we walk into a new day each day, may we all feel the season change and know that the cycles in the seasons remind us of the wonders in the world.

Peace,

dee

[daveydow1]

To all,

My computer wouldn't let me on the BI board yesterday,

so I am late wishing all of you who have had angel days

and birthdays to mark. I pray that the day was not as

difficult as the days leading up to it. Rose, you

mentioned how everyone here remembers each other as

individuals. I believe this is true. The format of BI

could be improved so that it wouldn't be so hard for us

to respond to those individuals that we wish to address

specifically. However, being as it is, I think everyone

does a very good job of posting whenever they have anything

to add. Peace be with all of you.

[daveydow1]

Griffinsmom,

I like your idea of "integrating" your son into your

daily life. I believe that makes me feel better, as

I also try to do this. I know deep in my heart that

it is never going to be possible to let my son, Davey,

go. Others may tell me I must do this, but I am sure

that it will not be possible for me. I can try to build

another life and keep on for the rest of my family, but

for me---there is no letting go. Counselors say that this

is unhealthy, but with me---that's the way it is and will

always be. I pray you can find some peace & comfort.

[griffinsmom]

I was just thinking about how I just can not seem to absorb the idea of all this at all. It is so unbelievable. I should be past this by now- and my therapist says integrating is fine, as long as it dosent adversely affect your life...(?)...Thanks for the input.

[kathy714]

Dear Griffinsmom,I feel the same way most of the time ,i miss my son so much,i don't know how anyone could think this gets better,because it dosen't.Nate and I did everything together,i would actually prefer to go places with Nathan than some of my friends[the beach,mall etc].I STILL think about him almost all day,i wonder what he would be like now,when i hear a new song by one of his favorite artist,i think about how Nate would be playing it all day ,over and over.I don't know i could babble forever about all the things my mind thinks about when it comes to Nathan.I do try to keep his memory alive,and i do talk about him ,whether people want to hear it or not,he is my son,i still love and just because he is not physically here,he still is a big part of my life....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} To Everyone~

Kathy ~ Losing a post is frustrating, so I always copy what I've written before I hit "Post Now," then if I need to re-log in, I paste my message into the message box. As I've said before it is cumbersome, and I've decided to visit the suggestions forum here and offer the suggestion that we try a new format, where we can post individual threads.

We discuss so many topics on one page here that it is hard for me to follow the conversations. And we have a lot of members, and it would be helpful to have a tool to read a member's previous posts as a reminder of that person's situation. Perhaps a few of us could visit the suggestions forum here and inquire about changing our format.

I agree with you also that the days following the special dates can be difficult, and I think that is the let down from all of the building up to it stress. We just have to grab all of the days in between and squeeze the most of them to have the strength to face the tough days.

Patty~ I think if we had a different format it would be easier for all of us to reply to each other. This is quite an active forum, actually, and I imagine it would be even more active if it was easier to maneuver. I think it's important and that we all need to talk to help us through this extraordinarily difficult grief that we all share. I have grieved for many people in my lifetime, but grieving for my son is entirely different, and the only one who can really understand that is another grieving parent.

Thank you so much for your sweet and kind words. I am happy to be an inspiration to you, but all the credit goes to my sons. Everything I know, I learned from them. Caring for them, advocating for them, sharing my experiences -- every part of being their mother -- is a joy to me. Well, I could do without politics and The System, and with better medical care...but other than those things, I am truly blessed to be the mother of Michael and Jonathan.

It's that all encompassing love, like you have for Lori, and everyone here shares with their children. It is limitless. Lori is your strength as well. I'm sure that she is giving you courage.

Dee~ How very sad that two more young people have left us, and that their parents must endure what we do every day from now on. Of course these tragedies refreshed your memory and disturbed that wound again. Now it is hurting more. Coupled with Eri's approaching birthday, I can imagine how your heart is hurting now. Please be sure to remind us when Eri's birthday nears, so we can all send you extra energy. Thank God for your third graders--that is a wonderful age, and their wonder and awe at life must surely uplift you. I am grateful for you that you have them, and happy for them that they have you.

Daveydow ~ I agree that everyone does a great job posting with this format, especially you. I have difficulty keeping up because I am interrupted often when I visit and try to post here. And I would love to see more of our members post here more frequently, but then, I'd surely get lost!

And like you, Griffinsmom, and Kathy, I integrate Michael into every part of our lives. He is still with us, just not in the physical form. And his memory, his legacy must be continued by me and Jim and others who knew him. I don't think that this constitutes not letting go. How can it be unhealthy to keep the memory of your child alive and to feel continually connected to your child? Unless one becomes dysfunctional or anti-social or in some way incapcitated, integrating your child, who has passed on, into your existing life seems very healthy to me. They are still our children, and we will always be their mothers. That never changes. Life goes on for them, as well as for us. Integration is the only thing that makes sense to me.

Now, I will copy my post, because I KNOW that I've timed out, re-log in, and paste this message into the message box!

My candle is lit for our children and for all of you, with prayers for your peace and comfort today and every day going up with its flame ~~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mamabets]

For All- I , too, can't seem to do each and every one of you, so from time to time , I just put "TO ALL"- What I write and read is usually for all, anyway!! I have been without a computer for a few days- YIKES!!! I must admit that I integrate my Danny into each and every breath, and I am thrilled to see Griffinsmom trying to do the same. While our guys are not with us as they were, remember, they are with us as they are!!xo- I love Danny's new existence... I miss him so much I can hardly stand it, but as he is now is HIS WAY, and I follow him, with each and every move that he makes... I remember all of the happiness that he brought to me here, anf I cherish the love and strength that he continues to give to us all, here, there and everywhere.... I remember saying to my Jackie at the very beginning of this walk..."Honey, we could never do this here, if we didn't have him there". The magic that surrounds Danny and all of his angel buddies is their beautiful new world, and I know that it exists, in spite of the pain that has come with this. I love you all... xoxoxomamabets

[maureensmom]

I treasure this message board, thanks to everyone who posts. I feel worst in the early mornings, I don't know why, Maureen was a sleep-until-noon teenager and was horrendous to talk to in the mornings, but it's my prayer time and I always return to "where are you, Maureen?" Sadly, my best friend's husband died on Wednesday. He had a bad pneumonia that lingered and went into some type of severe immune reaction, and after 6 weeks he took himself off his ventilator, and died. Only 62. Since Maureen died, life seems so precious to me, and families so critical, that I think I would ALWAYS try to keep going, as long as I could love and help my family and my friends. What are the chances of both of us being so devastated within three months? We've been friends for 20 years and have never had to deal with anything like this.

I tried to feel her husband this morning. He MUST be with my daughter, because Lorraine and I are so close spiritually. I don't know, this is all so hard some days. Love to everyone...

Georgia

[mamabets]

For Maureensmom- It is hard to believe that both you and your best friend have these heartaches back to back...I know that you will be there for each other and I have no doubt that Maureen and Lorraine's hubby are together. There is a place that is removed from here where all is perfect, I have no doubt... I have seen it and Danny lives it.... I can't speak for all of you, but my constant hope is that all here will KNOW this too, if not already. I bet if each of us posted ONE miracle sign that we have gotten, and then we all read them, we would be amazed at how we could never doubt that our loved ones live on. My love to you and Lorraine!!! In time, she can find all the love here, too, at Beyond Indigo!! xoxoxoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For All- My best friend gave me a card after my Danny departed... It reads:

I believe that there is a world beyond this world where every soul finds peace...that there is a life beyond this life where love goes on and on.

Let this help to carry us all!! I love you! xoxomamabets

[Guest Guest]

Hello to EVERYONE!

I've changed my "log-in" name. I am "rmcaggiano-Rose". When I came to this site I didn't realize that we COULD use our children's names, well.......that is what I want to do, so, I am still here just with a different "sign" in name!

I do have a question FOR EVERYONE! Have ANY of you ever wanted to do the "psycic" thing? I mean going to someone who can "tell" us something. I was raised that this subject was nothing to ever mess with, well.........for many months now I have been stuggling with this, for some reason and I'm not sure what, I am tempted to go, I'm not sure what I would hear or know, it's something that is really going on inside of me! What is it I am looking for?

I know that my Nicholas is with Jesus Christ and I know he is with me, however, there is "something" inside of me that just wants something else. I can't explain, I don't even know why.

Just a thought or question to throw out there, is guess.

Rose

[mynicholas]

my new screen name is........."mynicholas"

[donosmom]

I always thought that if I believed in God then why would I need a psycic, but after Matthew died, his fiance had a reading, and she was quite agnostic at the time. During the reading many things came up that she didn't understand as she didn't know us well so she emailed me with a bunch of questions. It was absolutely amazing the things she was told. The biggest for me was about a penny with a heart cut out of it. THe psycic was insistent that there was one, well there was but his fiance did not know about it. My youngest sons girlfriend found one under Matthews computer table just the weekend before this happened and it was dated 1998 the year Matthew started to date her. SInce then I have had a couple of my own and have been convinced there is some kind of connection. Now I read a lot on after death communications.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[mamabets]

For mynicholas- You can use his name whenever you want!!!! He is YOURS!!! I love you, Rose!!! If your "heart" says to do a reading, go for it!! Listen to your heart- It is Nicholas whispering to you... xoxomamabets

[missingchris]

For anyone who has little ones who lost a brother or sister: I came across 2 wonderful books. One is "I Know I Made It Happen" by Lynn Bennett Blackburn.

The second is " The Empty Place : A child's guide through grief" by Roberta Temes, PHD.

Both are simply written, neither should offend anyone's beliefs. I know they've helped my 6 year old son ,who watched as his 17 year old brother drowned when he was only 5.

I hope these can help someone out there. I'm eternally grateful to the person who found them for our family.

God Bless,

Becca (Chris' Mom)

[isabelle]

Rose,

I went to a psychic. I treated myself to this for Mother's Day (the second one after my son's death). I had read about her in a book titled, "Quit Kissing My Ashes". She was very good. Some of the things she told me were vague, but at times I realize that I now understand what she was saying, or what my son was saying through her. One of the really significant things she told me was that my son indicated he was spending alot of time with an older gentleman who had some kind of defect in his hands, missing fingers or whatever. The significance here is that my father, who died when I was 12, worked in a shop building pipe organs, and had accidently cut of the first joints of several of his fingers, at different times. There is no way she could have come up with this information on her own, or even guessed. I would love to have a reading with her again, but will have to save money. The cost is $160.00 per 30 minute session. She is now located in Florida, and will do readings by phone. If you would like her information, you can email me: eours1949@yahoo.com. The reason I say this is there are many money mongers in the world and they would rip you off as fast as they can. This reading was for real. She also provides you with a tape recording of the session so that you can listen to it later on, whenever you like.

I say, go for it, but beware.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[mamabets]

For Maskott and Mattsdad- I know that you guys have an emotional few days ahead... Birthdays are hard, very, but they are also the day that we were given our babies, and we will always remember..... The feelings on these days can be very "different"... More than usual, but try, if you can, to remember the good... I have seen Matthew's pictures- What a gorgeous child... He is, still! I am thinking about you and I sent lots of good wishes your way for Sunday...xoxo I love you and can't wait to see you...mamabets

[lorismom]

For Kathy - You mentioned in your message to Griffinsmom how you and Nate did everything together and you actually preferred going to places with your son more than with some of your friends. I can really identify with that. I enjoyed Lori's company so much, whether it was walking, shopping, or just having a good laugh together. She had the best sense of humor and I miss sharing those good times with her. I am now learning to treasure the signs I receive from her and also when I have dreams of her. I've had 2 dreams of her this week so I still feel very connected to her. Wishing you peace and hoping your grief softens in time. Take care, Patty

[mamabets]

For Lorismom- I, too, can so relate to just hanging out with the kids... I was never happier. We didn't have to be doing anything- Just knowing that they were with me and safe was the recipe for pure happiness... All of my little ducks in a row, with my hubby near by. All little doggies scurrying...Something cooking in the oven, or not!! We had a very WHATEVER kind of household- Extremely "homespun", our way... I miss our life- I do not miss all that I might not have known... It is a dangerous place to be, it seems, and I have always been so sheltered... I passed it on under my roof- What went on outside of it, and what they would do to survive, God only knows... Realizing that I could not "save" them, in that I still "can't" has been very hard...I love you and admire your courage...xoxoxmamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}} ~

Betsy ~ so glad to see you posting again and that your computer is sorted out now! I know what you mean about having your children "safe and sound" under your wing. Danny is safe and sound.

Georgia ~ My heart goes out to your friend, Lorraine, in the loss of her husband. While it might not be your choice, or mine, it was his choice to be extubated. I know that this is particularly difficult to understand, but I do, as I had to make that choice for Michael. Everyone has their own view of quality of life. Perhaps he had crossed over briefly and longed to return there and be free of his Earthly pain. Only he knows, and I pray that he is at peace now, and that Lorraine will find comfort, and you two friends will have the strength to hold each other up in the days ahead, as she misses him and you miss Maureen.

BettyAnn and Jeff ~ My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow, and I will light a candle for Matthew.

Rose ~ I love your new screen name ~ MyNicholas ~ it's perfect! Regarding visiting a psychic, I recommend that you do as much research on this as possible before making your decision. You need to know how to recognize a qualified and gifted spiritual guide or a shyster. And you need to be prepared to hear whatever you might likely hear. The proper guide will pray with you and explain everything to you. And provide you with a tape of the session. You have asked about this before, so I think it is something that you really want to do. Go with your inclination, but do it with caution and an open mind. Be ready to discount the experience if it doesn't feel suitable or applicable.

Mary ~ Amazing. Life goes on and on and on. It's so complex, but what a wondrous gift we receive when our children assure us that they are still with us. Great job, Matthew!

Becca ~ It's good to see you posting. I think of you often, as Chris' website introduced me to the wonderful song, "I Believe." That song means so much to me. Thank you.

Elizabeth ~ Again, amazing. What a clever way for Ray to communicate with you. And, I agree with you about finding a reputable guide with references. The world is full of scam artists.

Patty ~ What wonderful memories of Lori, and I'm so very happy for you that she has visited you in your dreams. Dreaming of being with our children is a blessing. And the signs. Yes, it is all about nurturing a new relationship with our children.

Thank God for our children, our memories, our signs, our dreams, and the strength to get through another day.

Remember everyone to take good care of yourself. Take your vitamins. Eat properly. Drink plenty of water. Exercise. It's important. You're important. You will feel better.

Praying for your peace and comfort today and every day ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[enufalreddy]

Dear Betty Ann and Jeff...A candle will be burning in my home today for your son Matthew. My prayers and thoughts are with you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~I've wanted so badly to be in contact with Walt since his passing. I have so many questions.Am considering getting in touch with the psychic/spiritualist reccommended by Ray's Mom. Will let you know how I make out with my adventure.~~~~~~~~~~~~~The days are very anxiety ridden leading up to Walt's Angel Date. Sometimes I feel I will shatter into a million little pieces. I've stepped up my counselling sessions to once a week for now. Have been trying to stay busy but it's not helping as it usually does. I still feel so fragile at times and think "Shouldn't I be doing better by now?"All I want to do is sleep this week.But I know it is depression and that I'm only trying to avoid life by sleeping. I think sleep is the body's defense against the constant onslaught of emotional pain.~~~~~~~ I do appreciate you all for being here and sharing your journey with me. I couldn't make it alone.Peace and sweet dreams to all, Erma

[mattsdad]

Thank you to all who have written to us about Matthew's birthday today.

We are getting ready to go to the baseball field in town where Matthew really excelled. At 6:34 (his time of birth 25 years ago) this morning we will release balloons in his honor from second base. That was his position he played for so many years. Boy, that kid could sure play baseball. Then we'll go to church and after we get home throw a birthday party from noon til ????. It will be the first time since he has passed that we will seeing many of his friends. It is sure to be an emotional day---but one we know Matthew would approve of.

Take care all.

Jeff

[julsmom]

Jeff and BettyAnn - I hope that this morning went well, peace to you and your family. Lynda

[brin3d]

Well we made it through another birthday. My granddaughter had her 4th birthday this past weekend. It was so difficult seeing all the family gathered here to celebrate and her mother was missing. No one but me seemed to remember that Darcia was not here to share this day with her child. I am thankful every day that I have Darcia's child but it sinks deep in my heart on special days that she should be sharing with her child and cannot be here with her in the physical sense to share these special moments. Even after almost three years, my tears still fall. My heart will be forever broken.

Thanks for listening

Barb

[donosmom]

I would like to explain my nick, Donosmom, Matthew was an avid online gamer and he and his fiance beta tested different games. The last game was Shadowbane, and he helped to write the strategy guide for this game. His character was Donos, his fiance Zisa and his brother was Lanos. Hence the name Donosmom. The programers of the game created a permanent memorial for Matthew on the game. There is the grave of Donos with a willow tree at the headstone and the silouette of Zisa shedding tears over his grave. So when we built the memory garden and pond we put a Weeping Pussywillow at the top of the fountain. It is really beautiful.

Matts dad Matthew also was a great baseball player, I remember when he was 12 he pitched a 10 and 0 season. Wonderful memories.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 7-13-03

[bokenhearted]

Peacefulnow (Cindy)

thanks for your wishes to me and my son Karl. It does help to know that people are out there thinking of us.

Kathy714 (Nate's Mum)

My thoughts are also with you as Nate and Karl shared a birthday. I have not logged on until tonight and when I read your reply to my post I thought how right you are when you said that the days after can also be difficult. I was not too bad the day after the 22/3/05 but have not been sleeping again and very emotional. Today we went on an outing with friends and it really was a lovely day but tonight when home again and I got to thinking about what some had been saying about their children and what they were up to just made me depressed because Karl is not here to do those things..and never will be. I feel so guilty sometimes because I resent the fact that they have their all their children and I don't. Not that I want them to go through what we are but I feel like I want to lash out at someone... but who. I just wonder if I will ever feel like my old self ever again. I even look in the mirror some mornings and am taken aback when I see my reflection... because I look older, sader and lost even to myself, so what everyone else sees I just don't know. sorry to be rambling but I think maybe I am now on a real downer as I await the 25 April (Karls angel date). I just feel so worn out, physically and emotionally.

Jo

[mamabets]

For brin3d- We are always here to listen... Thank you for coming here, because your stories help us. We love to hear about each and every one here... The birthday party of a child is a magnificent thought... My heart is happy just thinking about it, in spite of the sadness around it. I find myself saying, often, "I'll take the bittersweet and be grateful"...xoxoxo I love you! mamabets

[peacefulnow]

Donosmom. I liked your story concerning your nickname. That is just so cool. What a beautiful and unique tribute to Matthew. Sad, but beautiful. Thanks for sharing it. Cindy