Loss of an Adult Child

[mamabets]

For Mynicholas- Bless Your Heart... I can't breathe is a feeling that I know all too well... It has been awhile, but "I Can't Breathe" is just all too familiar... I love you and I feel for you!!! Try to remember the good, if you can...xoxo Try not to dwell on all of the sadness...I am with you, Rose!!! xoxoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Rose - remember you just have to breathe for the next 30 seconds. May you find peace this day. Lynda

[mamabets]

For Kaywenson- I emailed you and hope that I will be able to comfort you, if even for today. For every "today" that we can all put together here, before we know it, we have put together some valuable time and I remember, not to long ago, saying to myself "What was that familiar feeling that I just felt?? Ah, ha- I think it must be me" Feel free to email me at any time. I love you!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Julsmom- Oh, that is so true, and the next time I feel as if I am forgetting how to breathe, I will think of you, my lifesaver for today... God Bless You!!! I love you...xoxomamabets

[deewithgreeneyes]

For all of us....

Our breathing is mechanical these days, Inhale, Exhale and wait....

Again, I am so sorry for the pain everyone is going through. My thoughts and prayers of a "new noraml" with some sort of peace are with you all.

[lorismom]

For Rose - Thinking of you today on your son's angel date. I hope you can find some peace in the memories that you shared with your dear Nicholas. Take care, Patty

[maskott]

Rose...you will be in my thoughts and prayers all day. May you find some peace and comfort to help you through this day. I will light a candle for Nicholas tonight. I have 3 months to go for my son's 1 year...a day I am dreading.

Hoping you find some peace.

Mamabetts...I like the idea of Rosie being our "Maskott". To everyone else... I find I can't post as often...too hard. Yesterday was Matthew's nine month angel date and I found the weekend to be very emotional. I read the posts of everyone's child and I get a knot in my stomach. I'm drawn back everyday to at least read though. My heart aches for all of you...because I know what you are going through.

Wasn't planning on posting this but while I am here...last night I was on the computer and an old friend of Jeff's from high school came through on one of the instant messengers. I've never used it before (actually neither has Jeff-our daughter put it on the computer). I answered him. Then, he proceeded to tell me, for the next half hour, what I should be doing to help myself (and Jeff) through this grieving process. It was the basic..you need to talk to each other etc. I know he means well, but this isn't an easy fix. Sometimes, Jeff doesn't want to talk to me, or I don't want to talk to him, or talk to anyone for that matter. This friend suggested we all go into Matthew's room when we are upset and talk about the good times we had. I don't know, but I think that's going to make me cry even harder...knowing we will never have those good times again. Finally, I had enough and had to go to bed. I'm tired of having to listen to people explain to me what I should be doing to feel better and what I'm doing wrong in trying to feel better. I lost my son...I miss my son...I love my son...how do you fix that in six months, nine months (which is where I am) or for that matter, 24 months. I know things will change in time (so I've heard on this site and I believe it) but it will take a long time for that to happen and I just want to do this my own way. Just rambling.

BettyAnn

[julsmom]

BettyAnn - I am sorry well meaning friends are trying to tell you how to grieve. No one can tell us how to grieve, even those on this board who have been through it themselves. We can only do what we can. May you and Jeff, Soctt and Kristen find peace. Lynda

[julsmom]

To all - despite my words to BettyAnn and despite that I have good days, today is the pits. I need to go through all those things that have been put away since Julie's death, not just her belongings, but the sympathy cards and other items from the funeral itself. I am in tears. I cannot find the cross that was on her casket. I do not know what happened to it. As all you have felt at sometime in this horrific journey, I just want my daughter back. I want to hold her, I want to feel her, I want to hear her voice. Her watch was in things sent back by the hospital - do you know that 2 years and 26 days later it is still running!!. May we all find peace. Lynda

[deewithgreeneyes]

MASKOTT.....

GRIEF IS OUR OWN PERSONAL RIGHT. WE HAVE EARNED IT. GRIEVE WELL MY FRIEND IN YOUR OWN PERSONAL WAY. THERE IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT IN OUR JOURNEY DOWN THIS ROCKY PATH. WE WILL ALL STIMBLE AND FALL, GET UP AGAIN AND STUMBLE AND FALL. PLEASE REMEMBER...UNTIL ONE WALKS ON THE SAME PATH...THEY DO NOT KNOW THE WAY.

[missingchris]

To all who have Angel Dates or birthdays for their children this month, God Bless and may your memories help you get through ONE MORE DAY!!!!

My bad days are coming, I find I can't post here very often, almost 2 years now and it hurts more now then it did before. I know I'll eventually get past this, every day I live forces me closer to the day when it will be better, or so I'm told......

Love and Hugs to All.....

Chris's Mom

[ashleysmom]

Rose, I am thinking of you today. My heart aches for all of us, but especially when we have to face these rough days. May you find some peace in his memories.

Lynda, I will be praying for you as you go through your daughter's things. I have yet to do that. I just know I will be in that same place and it scares me. Every time I try, I just can't take it. Too sad. I just want my Baby back. I have looked for different items of Ashley's throughout this nightmare and have panicked not being able to find them. Then when I'm not looking, it shows up. I hope that will happen to you with the cross.

To all, peace, Dottie

[kirksdad]

The angel dates and birthdays are so hard each year. I just like being in a place that Kirk would have wanted to be. We try and spend those days at the local lake. He loved it there and his spirit seems to be there. We have a dock and we just sit on it and watch the world go by. It is so peaceful and calm, it is just what we need to go through the stress of those days.

I know that thinking about Kirk's birthday is probably the hardest. My wife had a C-Section and I wasn't able to go in becuase it was an emergency. They brought him out to me right away and he was so alert. I held him in my hands and promised I would love him forever and never let anything happen to him. I just wish I could have kept that promise. I know that each of us has one of those memories and although I would give up my own life rather than give up that memory, it still is painful.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Kirksdad...I feel your hurt so much when you post. Yes, it hurts, wanting to keep them safe forever.....gladly giving our own lives for the lives of our children. Your area sounds beautiful...water, a constant source of life, ever flowing. What a wonderful place for remembering.

I am still working on my cabin shopping. Have found a beautiful area I want to settle in. Small town of 2,000 but in a valley. I watched a beautiful bald eagle soar above me, lots of wildlife. Will be going out tomorrow to make some offers. My escrow closes in 10 days here. I know Michelle would love where I am moving to..wish I could have shared it with her.

[griffinsmom]

Griffin would be 19 on May 20....His accident was Jan 1 2005, and still today, I find myself breathless and lifeless. If I did not have Gianna- who is now one and a half yrs. old, I swear, I would have never gotten up and would be rotting in my bed right now. Yes, she is a blessing, but please, don't think she is any kind of replacement for my Griffin. People do, you know.

I havent posetd or visited this site for a while- it is just all so sad. Cabin shopping- not a bad idea, Dee...I just cannot imagine moving out of the house I worked so hard for my Griffin to have for college- etc. And Kirksdad, Griffin was an emergency c-sect- but his "father" was not there to make the promise, only I was, and I did....and look. I think many of us carry guilt, and we probably shouldn't.

Just checking in. Take care of yourselves.

[rhonda68]

Just dropping in to say hi and that I can relate to all of you. The pain,agony,and suffering are so hard! The normal folk out here just dont understand and in fact they can be down right cruel. Thank God for each and every one of you you are my very BEST friends and I am so sorry to all that have to go threw this ache. I lost my boy Richard a year ago Feb.23 the pain and the missing just dont go away. Love you all!

Rhonda

[briansdad]

Kirksdad,

All I can say about your post is How True It is.It hurts because Dads should know how to fix it all and in this case we're helpless and it is soooo frustrating.

[deewithgreeneyes]

I feel bad for you father's, I also feel sad that our society has done this...the men are in charge of fixing things. I don't mean that in a bad way, I mean it respectfully. Women look to their men to "fix' things and men try and do that for their families. To fix and make better. Unfortunately, death can't be fixed, none of us can fix it, change it, bargain with it. Nothing can change it. My son always felt because he was Michelle's big brother he was to protect her, he was very protective of his sister ever since they were little. He feels as though if he was there the day she was surfing (as he usually was) he could have saved her, would have seen her struggling sooner than the other surfer's did. It's eating him up. He was in the reconasence unit of the USMC and specialized in water rescue. Dads...I'm sorry, so sorry.

[maureensmom]

To Lynda... I'm certain that you will find that cross. I've temporarily misplaced the photo of Maureen and me that I decided was the happiest picture we have ever had taken of each other. I called my Mother in tears, who assured me you never lose things like that; that the stress of my grief had resulted in my putting it in an unfamiliar place. I still think it will turn up, but I stopped actively looking for it because searching through the funeral things and old pictures was so painful. At this point, I'm just leaving everything pretty much where it is, as if disturbing things will break the spell of her spiritual presence in my home. I'm panicked about hurricane season coming up - I can't put all the plastic boxes anywhere "more safe", I just hope God won't take these bits and pieces of my baby away from me.

Kirksdad, knowing that I failed on the most basic and elementary level to keep Maureen safe is one of my deepest regrets. She was adopted, I was supposed to take care of her. (When I wrote her adoption agency in Austin to tell them about her death, they never even responded. Another private pain. I hate them for not caring about her and us.)

Georgia

[julsmom]

Thanks for the responses about the cross - I think I put in another box, but do not have the emotional energy to look.

Yes Dads go through their own private he@#%@. I know from my husband's response, I should have. . ., I did . . ., I can't fix this. Peace to all Lynda

[heartbrokendad]

Deewithgreeneyes;

My daughter CarrieAnn was the oldest of my three children, when she died 11/3/02, her brothers Chris and Matthew were devastated,as she was like their little mother,and always watched over them. Chris, who was, and still is, in the Air Force, couldnt get back here from Saudi Arabia for the funeral. Her other brother, my son Matthew was there, he is the youngest of my three children. I hugeed him and cried with him at the grave side. I didnt know then that 8 months from that day, I would be burying him with his sister.

At his service, I spoke about him, and said that I knew when he died that his big sister Carrie was there waiting for her little brother. I still believe that they will bith be there waiting for me.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[aprilsmom]

Hello to all, I'm running out to work in a minute and don't want to cry so I haven't caught up on all the posts the last few days. The birds are singing outside and it would normally be such a nice morning for me and I can't seem to pull myself from the sadness. May 17th would be April's 28th birthday. A friend that is a realtor told me that April's house is sold. Well, Bobby left and didn't even tell me where he is going. Do I try to find out or just let him go? Gosh, I always know where my kids are and now I'm lost. All the weddings lately, and mother's day....18 months on April's birthday and I still can't BELIEVE this happened. How do all of you DO IT???? Just one day at a time, one breath at a time.....is that really the only way? I'm starting to believe there aren't ANY answers anymore. Somewhere tucked away is my belief that we will all be together again, sometimes even that slips from me. Take Care, Renee

[mamabets]

For Aprilsmom- Hi Renee- I have had a particularly sad morning... I was going along, and have been, well, when all of a sudden my stomach felt like someone had just kicked it.... I have not stopped crying since- I just plain miss Danny. Whatever surrounds it all does not seem to even enter into it today, as in "Did it sound like this or that" kind of stuff... I wil ALWAYS know where he is, and how he is- He LOVES it all, period, so AGAIN and AGAIN, I will do this walk for hi, it seems.... I talked to Jackie and said to her "Oh, Jackie, how come Danny couldn't have gotten the break that he needed?" And she said "He did , Mom- He got the best break of all- Look at where he is"

She's so right, and I know how you feel today- We are feeling the exact same- Different kids, different set of circumstances, same kind of Moms... Remember, EVERY day is Mothers Day!!! Go find a furry puppy and get your face licked and let them wrap paws around you!!! How is Abigail?? Please reply ASAP!! I love you!! xoxomamabets

[deewithgreeneyes]

BROKENHEARTED DAD.................

MY GOD, I AM SO SORRY FOR ANOTHER LOSS. I DID NOT KNOW THIS HAPPENED. I HAVE NO WORDS TO EXPRESS MY SYMPATHY FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. NO WORDS CAN EXPRESS IT. NO WORDS. JUST LOVE FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IS ALL I CAN EXPRESS. I AM SO SORRY.

I WILL REMEMBER ALL OF YOU FELLOW COMRADES IN THIS WAR WE ARE IN. TO ME IT TRULY FEELS LIKE A WAR. FALLEN COMRADES THAT WE NEED TO PULL OUT OF THE BATTLEFIED OF GRIEF AND DEATH. WE ALL NEED TO BE PULLED TO SAFETY AND SHELTER BY EACH OTHER.

THERE MAY BE OTHER'S OF YOU OUT THERE THAT POST THAT HAVE LOST ANOTHER CHILD. I FIND IT SO HARD TO KEEP UP ON THE POSTS, SOMETIMES IT IS VERY CONFUSING FOR ME. THEN AGAIN MAYBE IT IS ME AND I AM READING THE WRONG DAYS OR POSTING ON THE WRONG DAYS. I DON'T KNOW...MAYBE I HAVE LOST IT. AT ANY RATE, IF I DID NOT KNOW IT WAS A MISTAKE. FORGIVE ME.

[heartbrokendad]

deewithgreeneyes,

Its ok, I havent told the story for a while...you wouldnt have known

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thank you. Again I am sorry.

[briansdad]

I found this on line thought I'd share

All is Well

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you.

Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar-name,

speak to-me in the easy way you always used,

put no difference In your tone,

wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little Jokes we enjoyed.

Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,

let it be spoken without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.

It is the same as it ever was.

There is unbroken continuity.

Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you, for an interval,

somewhere very near,

just round the corner.

All is Well.

[deewithgreeneyes]

BRIANSDAD...THANK YOU FRO SHARING THAT WITH US. I FOUND IT EXTREMELY PROFOUND AND MOVING. IF IT IS ALRIGHT WITH YOU I WOULD LIKE TO COPY IT AND FRAME IT. I MAY EVEN USE IT AS A GIFT TO OUR FAMILY WITH MICHELLE'S PICTURE IN IT. I LOVED IT AND IT TOUCHED THE VERY DEPTH OF ME. THANK YOU AGAIN.

[mamabets]

For Briansdad- And, when "All Is Not Well", I stop and thank God for the beautiful people that this tragedy has brought into my life. Thanks for being one of them. For ALL that you are and ALL that you do,I love you...xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Heartbrokendad- I hope that you are hanging in there.... You haven't been posting much- Glad to see you reaching out again!!! I love you...xoxomamabets

[julsmom]

Mamabets - I am sorry you are having such a rough day. You lift many people up. May you find some peace.

Aprilsmom - we just go 30 seconds at a time, one foot in front of another. It is hard but there are no acceptable alternatives. May you find peace as you approach April's birthday (our daughter will be 28 forever).

To All the Moms - may we find peace (and no more commercial about Mother's Day) soon. Lynda

[lorismom]

For Briansdad – That beautiful poem that you posted is one that I have framed with my Lori’s picture. The version that I have is just a little bit shorter than yours, but the words are so touching and beautiful.

For All - Although I don’t always post, I do read everyone’s messages and you are all in my thoughts. Somehow we’ll all get through this horrific journey by being there for each other. You are like a second family to me and I’m thankful to part of this wonderful forum.

Take care everyone,

Patty

[deewithgreeneyes]

Mamabets...I am sorry that you are hurting so much today. You are such an inspiration to many of us but as we all know all to well....the tough times get real tough, thank God for this board and thank God for you and the strength you show us in our time of need.

I wish that I could be there with you to talk with you until the horrible pain eases.Remember A golden sunset lasts only for a moment, then fades away, but the memory of its beauty lingers in our hearts long after it is gone.

Hold on and take 5 minutes at a time if you must...we must remember we are not alone.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Help...I need help. I am going through Michelle's and my mom's things, packing up to move and I need to be moved out by Tuesday. I have just gotten up off the floor, I am serious I must have crawled on the ground in my grief. I cannot believe this Mother's Day is approaching and my mom and daughter are gone. I did not know last year they both would be gone on Mother's Day.

I found some poems Michelle had sent me in some of my rough spots in life, I would like to share them in posts. It is the only thing that is keeping me sane at this moment. I have shut off and cannot go through their things anymore today.

[deewithgreeneyes]

Help...I need help. I am going through Michelle's and my mom's things, packing up to move and I need to be moved out by Tuesday. I have just gotten up off the floor, I am serious I must have crawled on the ground in my grief. I cannot believe this Mother's Day is approaching and my mom and daughter are gone. I did not know last year they both would be gone on Mother's Day.

I found some poems Michelle had sent me in some of my rough spots in life, I would like to share them in posts. It is the only thing that is keeping me sane at this moment. I have shut off and cannot go through their things anymore today.

[deewithgreeneyes]

A PRAYER FOR YOU MOM

I DO NOT ASK TO WALK A SMOOTH PATH, OR BEAR AN EASY LOAD

I PRAY FOR STRENGTH AND FORTITUDE TO CLIMB THE ROCKY ROAD

GIVE ME COURAGE TO SCALE THE HARDEST PATHS ALONE

AND TRANSFORM EVERY STUMBLING BLOCK INTO A STEPPING STONE.

MOM

I THINK THAT GOD IS PROUD...I THINK GOD IS PROUD OF THOSE WHO BEAR A SORROW BRAVELY AND WALK STRAIGHT THROUGH THE DARK

PROUD OF THOSE WHO LIFE THEIR HEADS TO SHAKE AWAY THE TEARS FROM EYES THAT HAVE GROWN DIM FROM DISAPPOINTMENT

HOW PROUD HE MUST BE OF THEM. HE WHO KNOWS ALL SORROWS AND HOW HARD GRIEF IS TO BEAR.

I THINK HE SEES THEM COMING AND HE GOES WITH OUTSTRETCHED ARMS AND HANDS TO MEET THEM

AND WITH A LOOK A TOUCH OR A HAND ON THE HEAD OF EACH FINDS HIS HURT STRANGELY COMFORTED

[deewithgreeneyes]

IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN IT WAS THE LAST WALK IN THE RAIN I'D KEEP YOU OUT FOR HOURS IN THE STORM. I WOULD HOLD YOUR HAND LIKE A LIFE LINE TO MY HEART AND UNDERNEATH THE THUNDER WE WOULD BE WARM. IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN I'D NEVER HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN I'D MEMORIZE EACH THING YOU EVER SAID AND ON THOSE LONELY NIGHTS I COULD THINK OF THEM ONCE MORE, KEEP YOUR WORDS ALIVE IN MY HEAD. YOU WERE THE TREASURE IN MY HAND, YOU WERE THE ONE WHO ALWAYS STOOD BESIDE ME. SO UNAWARE IF FOOLISHLY BELIEVED THAT YOU WOULD ALWAYS BE THERE BUT THEN CAME A DAY AND AS I TURNED MY HEAD YOU SLIPPED AWAY. IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN IT WAS THE LAST NIGHT AT YOUR SIDE I WOULD PRAY A MIRACLE WOULD STOP THE DAWN AND WHEN YOU'D SMILE AT ME I WOULD LOOK INTO YOUR EYES AND MAKE SURE YOU KNEW MY LOVE FOR YOU GOES ON AND ON. IF I HAD ONLY KNOWN.

[deewithgreeneyes]

DEAR MOM...WHEN YOU LOVE SOMEONE THEY ARE NEVER AWAY BECAUSE THEY ARE ALWAYS WITH YOU, THAT'S BECAUSE LOVE HAS NO TIME OR SPACE...IT JUST CONTINUES FOREVER.

I WILL SEE YOU IN THE CORNFIELDS, I WILL SEE YOU WHERE THE GREEN GRASS GROWS. I WILL HEAR YOU WHEN I LISTEN WHEREVER THE SOFT WIND BLOWS. I WILL SEE YOU IN THE MOONLIGHT AND IN EVERY STAR. I WILL SEE YOU WHERE EVER I WANDER NO MATTER HOW FAR AND I WILL KEEPLISTENING AND I WILL KEEP LOOKING AND I WILL KEEP REMEMBERING LONG AFTER OUR DAYS ARE GONE. FOR MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE ON, LOVE YOU MOM, MICHELLE.

LETS ALL REMEMBER HOW ARE YOUNG ADULT CHILDREN WERE SO WISE...HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO ALL.

[julsmom]

Deewithgreeneyes thank you for sharing your daughter's poems. I am sorry about all this for you. Just pack it all up and move it. You can go through it another time. Peace, Lynda

[rhonda68]

Dear deewithgreeneyes how totally wonderful that you have these precious poems from your daughter to keep thank you for sharing them. I will say a special prayer for you on mothers day.

Mamabets thinking of you today I know these days are so hard and I have had very many of them more bad than good that is for sure.

I wish we could all get together i feel so totally lost and desperate.

[mamabets]

For deewithgreeneyes- If you are going to be making a move, you need to cme check out North Carolina!! That's where we are and it is the best place to live on the entire map- That is, of course, if you are in a position to move anywhere- We had been in Florida for forever, and while my whole family is there, a HUGE wonderful family, Dean was really ready for a change, plus the heat was not good for his heart condition- Yup, we have that too, but he is doing very well. This is a magnificent state, however you may have to stay near to Kailie and the rest of the "tribe"- Let me know!! These poems- WELL- there are no words. I just framed a beautiful card that my Jackie had given to me right after Danny died, and Danny had written beautiful things to me as well. It wasn't that long ago when I, too, came across them and I couldn't breathe. May my love for you help to pick you up from the floor- I know that too, as we all do. I think that the floor seems to be a place where we feel as if we can just "disappear" into- You have had an impossible amount of pain put into your beautiful heart, Dee.... In spite of it, you are a HUGE inspiration to all of us. I will check with you throughout the day, I will email you some goodies, and together we will get through this rocky period... I love you...mamabets

[mamabets]

For Rhonda68- Send me your email, my dear friend- We can exchange some fun photos, perhaps, to help get through this hard time- Remember, every day is Mothers Day, every day is Kids day!!! I love you and that you for your sweet, sweet friendship- It means so mucn. I love you...xoxoxomamabets

[rhonda68]

Mamabets here is my email address rjb882@hotmail.com. Anyone that wants to talk please send me an email. Also the web address I created in memory of my son http://www3.telus.net/public/rh0nda/ please feel free to look at it and sign my guest book. LOVE YOU ALL!

[heartbrokendad]

Mamabets,

I was in your state the last week of April, at Pope Air Base, was saying goodbye to my son Chris, and his family, they have been sent to Spain for four years...it is a very nice state.

[lorismom]

I saw this lovely poem on another forum and thought it might bring us some comfort with Mother's Day approaching.

Dear Mr. Hallmark,

I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear,

A rather strange idea, I see everything from here.

I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card

A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard.

There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine.

Except I could not find a card from a child who lives in heaven.

She is still a mother too, no matter where I reside

I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried.

I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know.

That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so.

She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too,

Memories are our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do?

My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight.

She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night,

She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells

She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well.

So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth

I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth

She needs to be honored, and remembered too

Just as the children of earth will do.

Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best

I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest.

Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me

Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

[deewithgreeneyes]

LORISMOM....THE HAIR IS STANDING UP ON MY ARMS AFTER READING THAT POEM, SO BEAUTIFUL, SO BEAUTIFUL. I AM GOING TO COPY THAT ONE AS WELL TODAY IF THAT IS OK WITH YOU. I WILL READ IT EVERY MOTHER'S DAY UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.

THANK YOU

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}} ~ Finally returning after an absence created by an assortment of crises among my loved ones. I have been surrounded by grieving these past few weeks, with the passing of our neighbor, as well as the mother of my Sister-Friend. Another friend’s former spouse passed suddenly as well.

My Sister-Friend arrived home to find bouquets and candles in every room. Jim bought bulk flowers, and I arranged them in my vases, then he transported them two doors down to her home and placed them in each room.

I recycled my prayer candle wax and refilled their containers to create new prayer candles for her. That wax holds my prayers for her, her mother, her family, my family and friends, and all of you and your children. Every time she lights one of these candles, my prayers will be sent Heavenward again.

Sister-Friend opened my front door and burst into tears when she saw me. She sobbed, weary and emotionally drained, and deeply moved by the flowers and candles.

We sat on my patio, and she debriefed with me, every detail of her mother’s passing, and all that occurred thereafter, up to the minute that she drove onto our street, after two weeks of coping with all that those days bring. You and I know too well what the first two weeks bring.

She took my hands and looked into my eyes, “I lost my mother, and that’s difficult, of course. But you lost your SON. How did you get through those first two weeks? And every week since then? I know I’ve been around you through all of this, but it’s only now that I am sitting here in awe of you. How have you done this?”

I replied, “I had to. I had to cope, survive, and keep living. A day, a minute – or second -- at a time. I prayed for peace and comfort, and I still do, every waking moment. And I pray for strength. I pray for others. I know I’m not alone, and others suffer more than I do. I’m grateful for the years that I had with him on Earth, and I look forward to eternity with him. He sends me signs and appears in my dreams to let me know that he is near, and that is enough to reassure me that he IS near, and he is whole.”

Sister-Friend listened intently and gleaned what she needed from my words. We hugged and cried, and then she left to attend her daughter’s softball game. I grabbed the opportunity to take another bouquet to put on her patio, and watch the magnificent sunset from there, as her home has a lovely panoramic western view.

Now, here I am. Three years ago today, May 11 was Mother’s Day. Michael was whisked away in an ambulance, leaving our home in his Earthly form for the last time. Michael coded in the ER and was intubated, by my agreement. Sister-Friend was with me in the ER.

At about the time that I am writing this message now to you, 8:30 p.m., Michael’s ICU nurse had convinced me to go home and get some rest, as we were in for a long haul, and I was about to fall over from exhaustion and sleep deprivation. She had to pry me away from Michael three times, then she held my hand and his hand and she prayed a beautiful prayer. I was able to trust her, and I knew I needed rest to give me strength to fight this battle for Michael.

As I turned from my last glimpse of Michael lying there, surrounded by loud machines, tubes coming out of and going into him, the admitting physician towered before me. He bellowed loudly and coldly, “Well, he’s going to die.”

I was alone then, as Sister-Friend had returned to her mother and sister at her house, and Jim was home with Jon. I have never found the words to describe how I felt at that moment.

Three years later, the memory is vivid, permanently etched in graphic detail in my mind, heart and soul, as is every day of his 3 week hospitalization following that Mother’s Day. I was able to write about this day tonight without crying, which must represent some kind of progress.

I know that each of you are struggling, and some days are impossible. You wonder if you’re losing your mind. The pain is intense and never-ending. You deal with every emotion imaginable, and some that only other parents who have lost their children could possibly understand. You have trouble focusing sometimes, memory problems sometimes, just want to stay in bed sometimes, would rather not interact with other people sometimes, and often neglect yourself.

Sister-Friend summed it up: “It is what it is.” You can’t change it, so you have to find some way to cope with it.

And, that’s what I believe every one of us here is doing, or we wouldn’t be here. As difficult as it is for us, we are still here. We are surviving.

Every night I thank God for the day, that it’s over and that I made it through. Then I ask for strength for tomorrow. And through God’s grace, I make it through tomorrow.

And you will too.

I’m praying for all of you, acknowledging your children’s special dates and lighting candles. I will try to be more active here to support you.

Lorismom~ Thank you for sharing that lovely poem. My husband said he wished that Hallmark would publish that card so that he could buy it for me every year. But, like Dee, I will print it and keep it to read every Mother’s Day.

God Bless You All~ May you always feel your children very near and hold them in your dreams~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mamabets]

For Mom2angels- Now listen quietly... If that candle wax holds prayers for all of us, just imagine how many prayers it must hold for you and Jim and your two angels!!!! The love that you put into things, in spite of your weary walk, amazes me. Your walk may be one of the weariest I have come to embrace yet, but we will keep right on skipping along together, right?? When Jackie and Julia lived here, Julia used to love to go to Kohls, a local department store... She used to stay "on the heels", never to be out of my sight and she would say to me "I'm right behind you, Bets, I am right behind you". She calls me Bets, you know. Is that not too funny??? I love you, Rose, and am with you always, for every day is Mothers Day!!! xoxomamabets

[julsmom]

mom2angels - sending many prayers up for you and sending to you many hugs. Peace, Lynda

[julsmom]

to all - may you find some joy with me this moment. I co-teach 5 yr olds in our Sunday School. Last night (Thurs) 2 of the boys were at chuch while I was there. Both gave me big hugs. It was wonderful to feel than unabashed love. Since I am not sure if I will ever have grandkids (surviving son not dating as of yet) I don't know if I will ever feel those tiny arms around me. Peace to all. Lynda