Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

It seems we have many spring angel birthdays coming up and a few of you that are anticipating your first birthday without your child have wondered what to do to mark the day. This April 4th will be our third Erica birthday without her. I have to say that with all the pain of her being gone, I was so pleased that we invited her friends andf some family over for a celebration of the day, always a wonderful day to me, her day. We had a cake that my neighbor broght that Happy Brithday Angel, and stories and photos out, a warm time, and instead of singing which i could not handle, we raised our glasses to toast Eri, I just said what was in my heart, and others added in. It was good, and the following year we did a similar gathering. We release balloons with messages attatched in July, right around the date of her death, and we have a large yard gathering then, also to commemorate the life of our little angel, and to mark the time when we had to gather to say goodbye.

Whatever you do to mark the days, know that there is no wrong way, it is your way.

Peace to All,

dee

[donosmom]

When we released the balloons for Matthew I made little cards with his picture and a quote and laminated them with our address on the back and asked if they were found to return to us. We have received 4 of them back with little notes from the finders. We also had forget me not seeds in the balloons so that they would spread our love for Matt.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,i am sorry i haven't been posting much lately,although i do come on every day and read them all.I have been visiting alot of memorial sites,everyone i visit,they have done a beautiful job.Reading the post i noticed there are alot of birthday's coming up,i think the releasing of balloons is a great idea,we did that for Nate's birthday in Jan.I also put little notes inside some of the balloons,but i like the idea,having cards so people can reply,i want to do that next year.Well everyone will be in my prayers,i know birthday's without our children here to celebrate with us is very differcult,i had a very hard time with Nate's,his birthday and angel date is the same day so that made it even tougher..T/C ALL,you are all in my thoughts and prayers,Kathy,Nate's mom forever

[rmcaggiano]

Maskott

Hello, my Nicholas' birthday is March 14th, this too is the first time. I can't even get a grip. I feel so aweful, I don't know how I've had him for 22yrs and he won't be here. It too is my grandson's (Gunner) birthday, they were born on the same day! I don't know or how to express how I feel. Like I just want to crawl into somewhere and not be found.

This is how I truly feel

Rose

[maskott]

Rose...I know how hard it is. I was talking with my other son and daughter, about planning Matthew's party, last night. I could see the hurt in their eyes as we talked about the party and Matthew. I know this is something that I have to do, not only for Matthew, but for me. I need to take one of the darkest days of my life and make it joyous. I'm hoping his friends will have a lot of stories to tell of their time with him.

I was also thinking about putting cards on the balloons. I was going to ask them to visit this site and light a candle for Matthew.

Everyone here has been in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping each minute might get a little easier.

BettyAnn

[bokenhearted]

To all who have replied to my post and given me some ideas to think about as to how I can mark Karl's birthday. There really are some nice idea's. I particularly like the idea of the forget me knots seeds. I am finding it rather difficult as the day draws near. (22nd March) He would have been 28. I am very tearful and feeling rather stressed as I am having to deal with my mother-in-law at the moment as she has become very frail. We have had to admit her to a Nursing Hostel which breaks our hearts to do as she has been such an independant lady. Our son's death has just shaken her so badly that she seems to have dropped her bundle. She will be 82 the day before our Karl's angel date. So her birthday will be hard to be cheerful at too. Life is so cruel sometimes. Thankyou everyone for being here.

Jo

[lorismom]

For Julsmom (Lynda) and Mamabets - Just wanted to thank you both for your warm welcome and kind words. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your children ..... Julie and Danny. I am finding that the second year has been more difficult that the first. I guess the numbness and shock have worn off and reality has set in. One of Lori's favorite hobbies was photography. She enjoyed taking pictures involving nature. She loved butterflies and recently I was looking through her albums and found one where she was holding a Monarch butterfly in her hand. There was a little poem which may have been on this forum, I'm not sure, and I put that poem with the picture in a frame and I have it on my kitchen windowsill where I can see it everyday. The poem was: "Happiness is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes and sits softly on your shoulder." I will keep you both in my thoughts and hope you find some measure of peace on this journey. Patty

[maskott]

Patty...you talk about butterflies. My husband, Jeff(mattsdad) wanted to buy me a butterfly necklace for valentine's day. It's supposed to be sign that loved ones send. The place he wanted to buy it wasn't open the Saturday before Valentine's day so I told him that was alright. He went to turn our computer on a few days later and out printed a picture of a butterfly. He thought I printed it...when I saw it laying there, I thought he printed it out. Finally, when he asked me a few weeks later, why I printed it out, we realized that neither of us had printed it. Matthew was sending me my butterfly for Valentine's day. Eventually Jeff did get me the necklace so I received two butterflies for valentine's day.

BettyAnn

[enufalreddy]

We just marked my son's birthday in February. I found that the days leading up to his birthday were harder than the actual day itself. The anticipation was overwhelming.But the day was manageable.We released balloons with our birthday message for Walt written on them.Of course we cried but we took a short walk to release them and back which helped also.The hardest thing we did was I helped my granddaughter make a birthday cake for her Daddy. That was hard. It was a wonderful time though with the experience of helping Sarah make her first cake and letting her decorate it herself. She did a wonderful job and I know it meant a lot to her. She was so proud and happy. The hardest part was when my daughter and the other grandkids came and we lit the candles and sang the song. Sarah insisted on doing the whole thing. At the end of the song there was a second of deafening silence.Then we chimed in and started cutting and giving out cake...but it was very awkward singing happy birthday to someone who isn't here or ever going to have another birthday really.Very hard.But it was so important to Sarah and so it was worth it.I managed to hold my tears until I could be alone so I didn't ruin it for Sarah. My one grandson who is six years old would not sing with us...he said it was too sad.So you see it is different for everyone.You have to do what feels right to you.Peace to all....Erma

[julsmom]

Erma - you said a lot when you said the days leading up to the birthday were harder than the actual day. I have found that to be true with most events, birthdays, holidays, etc.

Patty - you also spoke words of truth that the 2nd year is harder than the first as the numbness has worn off and the reality has set in.

Rose - may you find peace in your grandson's birthday and as you remember Nicholas.

May we all find peace, Lynda

[kathy714]

Dear Rose,you will be in my thoughts and prayers today.Ihope you find so peace...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[mamabets]

For rcmaggiano- My dear Rose, and our sweet Nicholas... I am with you today, just like every day, and I am celebrating all that you continue to do together... I love you and have you close to my heart always, and Nick is the leader of the pack today!!!!! Our angels will sing out loud, as they live on today, just for him!! xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Rose...you are in my thoughts today and will be in my prayers tonight. I will light a candle tonight to honor Nicholas's birthday. May you find some peace and comfort today from the loved ones still aroun. Hopefully Gunnar can raise your spirits even if just for a brief moment...I know it will be hard.

BettyAnn

[missingchris]

Rose,

All of us are holding you in our hearts today.

The Kimbrew Family

[Mazey2]

Rose, may you be able to find some peace today in knowing YOU gave him life a few years back and shared it with him. THere is NOT any way to get thru this day, except to just let the day pass, and have it behind you. Peace be with you. Linda

[peacefulnow]

Rose,

I have not been in your shoes yet. I can only imagine how painful today is...my heart aches for you. I wish I had some magic to ease the sadness for you and all of those who have experienced, or will be experiencing, your agony. My thoughts are with you and Nicholas.

[lorismom]

For BettyAnn - I am glad you got your 2 butterflies for Valentine's Day. That was a wonderful sign from your Matthew that he is nearby. My husband and I have had several signs from Lori. Even though her physical presence is no longer with us, we do feel that she is near us in spirit and that gives us comfort.

For Rose - Thinking of you today on Nicholas birthday and hoping that you find some peace on this journey.

Take care,

Patty

[mom2angels]

{{{Rose}}} ~

My candle is lit in honor of your precious Nicholas' birthday, and I am praying that he will make his presence very known to you and that God will grant you peace and comfort. I will keep you in my thoughts all day and evening.

Happy Birthday Gunnar! Give your grandma extra hugs and kisses today~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Patty}}} ~ Welcome ~ I'm so glad that you decided to join us. Our arms are always open here to welcome new friends.

I am so very sorry for your loss of your beautiful and only child, Lori. I loved your Monarch butterfly story. We are in the migration path of the Monarch butterfly, and every year, millions of them fly over us. It's a magnificent vision~ I often think of them as a gift from our angels. Like you and your husband, I find my comfort in knowing that Michael is always with me, and the incredible signs that he provides to us give me peace.

God bless you in your journey ~ we are here to walk beside you all the way ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[ericasmom]

Hi Folks,

Rose my thoughts to you on this first f=birthday without your boy Nicholas. I know how difficult the lead up to these markers of time, though I have felt too that the actual day proves to be better than we anticipate. I have however had low times following the days we mark our children's lives with. I had a very hard time after the 1st and 2nd anniversary marking Eri's death, I think the 1st was ver hard becasue the 1st everything was gone, it just meant now that it would be the 2nd, the 3rd,....more and more time without my girl. I also worried after the 1st year of her leaving that she would become a fuzzy memory to people, that she would fade into the background of theri lives. I have found this to not be so, her friends keep her with them and while she has become a bit fuzzy in their memories, I recognize this as healthy too, they are young people who need to move on in their lives even though ERi could not. I do not wish them to be stuck in the loss of a good buddy but instead live fully the life that I know Erica would be thrilled with. She is with them. She is with us, but I sure do miss her and today is the 32 month mark of her death. Soon, April 4th, will mark her 3rd birthday away from the Earth, she would be 22. I think that after the 2nd anniversary yard gathering and balloon launch I became extremely low because some legal stuff with her accident became a focus right around her date of leaving. It was so sad to have to deal with lawyers that are trying to make her look bad as they represent a big federally funded train operation that hadn't secured the area that my dughter was struck. I got through the time but became very low right after. I will say however, that as time passes I feel her with me and her energy gives me the outlook I need to make life as good as I can make it.

my baby is free and she has let me know in many ways since she left that she is fine and that we need to do our best now to live fully. I love the butterfly print that showed up for Betty-Ann, these are the bits of magic that our children are sending to say, I AM GREAT, LIVE ON.

Rememer that saying; Just when you thought life was over

she became a butterfly.

Peace to you all, and may the birthdays of Nicholas and all the newest angels be days that let you parents know that you are loved and that those special days mark the miracle o f your babies.

[rmcaggiano]

Hello to ALL of you that have posted to me on my Nicholas' Birthday!

GOD BLESS ALL OF YOU!!!

I can't tell any of you how much your words and thoughts mean to me. I know now that EVERYONE HERE IS WITH ME, IF NOT IN PERSON, THAN IN SPIRIT AND PRAYER! I CAN HONESTLY SAY......"I LOVE YOU ALL"

Today was very difficult for me, I could barely get out of bed. About 5:00pm my Gunner came over for his party, we had a GREAT TIME!! My cake said "HAPPY BIRTHDAY NICHOLAS AND GUNNER"! I feel like I am in a "trance" I can't believe my Nicholas is 22 yrs. old today and he's not here..........IT'S TOO MUCH OF A VOID!

Again, Thank-you all for keeping my Nicholas and me in your prayers and thoughts!

Rose

[ericasmom]

Oh Rose, I am so sorry for the ache in your heart and the heaviness of this void. I so wish that nobody else had to go through this horror, wish I could stop any parent from losing their baby. Your boy is with you Rose, somehow,he is with you and he will always love you. I am so sorry for your loss. Nicholas is less than a month older than my daughter Erica who died at 19.

I hope that you will sleep deeply and dream gently tonight, that you will wake feeling a bit more peaceful.

Everyone is here for you, for each other, keep sharing your heartache Rose, as we weave our stories together into an unforgettable tale of great love, loss, strength and survival.

Peace,

dee

[lorismom]

For Roslyn - Thank you for your nice welcome. There seem to be so many loving and caring people on this forum and I'm thankful to have found a place where I can feel comfortable with my feelings. I am deeply sorry for the loss of your son, Michael. I'm sure he is very close to you in spirit. That must be a beautiful sight to see the migration of the Monarchs. Lori loved photographing butterflies and I feel that now she has been set free. She always said to me that Earth was not our real home......I think now she is finally home, but I sure do miss her. Take care, Patty

[peacefulnow]

I visited Ian’s grave on Monday for the first time. (Prior to that I could not find the strength or courage to do so.) It was nine weeks to the day that he was buried. I had to think of all of you who said that birthdays and anniversaries are harder to anticipate than the actual event…the same was true of my visit to Ian’s grave. Unlike a birthday or anniversary, however, I could choose a day when I felt as though I could handle it a little better. It was sad, but I felt he wasn’t really there…just his earthly remains are. I feel like I’ve taken another tiny step on this long journey…and I survived.

Previously, I mentioned that Ian’s passing was something that my mother wouldn’t or couldn’t talk to me about…which made me feel worse and even more alone. Out of the blue, just a few days ago, she talked to me about Ian. She said she misses him so much and feels so overwhelmed with the sadness of it all sometimes…and when she feels that way, she thinks about how much more magnified my sorrow must be. It was wonderful to feel that my Mom did have some understanding of my grieving.

We expect extended family members to understand…to put themselves in our shoes and imagine how devastating losing a child would be. But, prior to Ian’s passing I would hear about a tragic loss of a child and try to imagine the feelings. But it was too terrifying and horrible to grasp as a reality. I could think of it in an abstract sort of way and understand intellectually how terrible it must be. But, until the moment it actually happens and your heart shatters into a million pieces, and you emotionally and spiritually feel a part of yourself has died too, I don’t think anyone, other than those who have actually experienced it, can begin to fathom the intensity and magnitude of the pain and sadness. It affects every aspect of your life from that day forward. Nothing is the same.

[ericasmom]

dear Peacefulnow,

I am happy that you found you were able to visit the cemetery. Yes, it is just he earthly remains, but somehow, way more than I had imagined, the place we buried Eri became a place that I felt some peace. Odd, never thought I would. I agree wholly when you say that this sadness changes everything, it does and yet it is still us, our basic selves are in the brokeness, we will emerge changed of course, but for the most part recognizable I think. The million pieces of your heart will slowly begin to reattatch forming some knots and some scars and grow new edges, and the part of your heart that holds your child/children so dear will regain its rhythm and create a new pattern.

My reshaped heart to you,

dee

[daveydow1]

For Rose,

I was not on the BI board yesterday, Mar. 14---your dear

son, Nicholas' birthday. My prayers are for you at this

sad milestone on your journey. Nicholas will always be

with you, and may you find comfort in you memories of

your love for him and the joy he brought you. Peace.

[daveydow1]

To Patty,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter, Lori.

The loss of your only child has to be so very difficult

to bear. I have lost two children--one baby many years

ago, and my son 6/14/03. I am fortunate to have three

children left. I wish I could say something to help you,

but I know that this is not very likely. Just know that

you can always come here to BI and read/post, and everyone

here will understand. Take care & peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Peaceful,

I can understand your hesitation to visit your son, Ian's

grave. It is a very heart-wrenching thing to do. It's as

another blast of reality hits right in the face and is

inescapable. My husband and I waited about 1 wk. before we visited

Davey's grave. Of course it was fresh and flowers had wilted

a bit. We nearly collapsed. Said prayers, got back into the

car and drove away. We were so disoriented, we actually got

lost even though we had lived our entire lives in this area.

We regained our composure and got home, but it shows just

how devastating a first visit to a child's grave can be. I

am praying that you can somehow find some peace.

[mamabets]

For Daveydow1- Always so wonderful to see and hear from you here... You bring extra strength, as you have had to endure this two times... God Bless You and so much love to you and all of yours, here, there and everywhere!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Peacefulnow- I will pray for you each and every time you have to go through these firsts... My Danny was placed in a moseleum in Florida; his organs saved five lives after his passing; his spirit is right here, there and everywhere all of the time... Just a wink away...This is such a brutal crawl before the unsteady walk, but to know that my Danny never has to squirm again because he was just too nice, is a good thing. I miss him, his hugs, his phone calls, all of the things that we all miss. But, I do remember early on, someone saying, that a time would come when happier times would start to take over the agony of it all and that, for the most part, has happened... The pain will forever be raw, but the "sting" is not eating away at me every waking hour of every single day, anymore. I do have a fabulous daughter, a precious, FUNNY, little grandaughter, a tremendous husband, 4 itsy bitsy daschund puppy dogs, and my beautiful list does go on and on. I have all of you here- And, in spite of losing Danny, and in his memory forever, we will shine for him so he can show us the way...He is the brightest star, as my Jackie once said and now as I look up at night, I see many bright stars and I know and love them all, including your Ian... xoxomamabets

[mom2angels]

{{{Cindy}}} ~ That first visit to the cemetery is in the past now. I pray that the next visit will be a bit less painful. What a blessing that your mother opened up to you about her own grieving and that you were both able to share in your sorrow and memories of Ian. You are absolutely right that it is impossible to understand the magnitude of our grief, unless you have experienced it. Before Michael passed, I thought that I could imagine the devastation. Now, I realize that I simply didn't have a clue. That is one thing that helps me to be more patient with people who say the wrong thing or don't know what to say and are silent. You keep making those steps toward healing, Cindy. You are doing very well.

{{{Rose}}} ~ I think "void" is the perfect word to describe the physical absence of our children. I know that void so very well, as we all do, and that is why I work so hard at nurturing my spiritual connection to Michael. Remember that Nicholas is always with you, just in a different form. I'm so glad that you and Gunner had a good time celebrating his and Nicholas' birthdays. Even in our darkest moments, we must weave light into the fabric of our existence. Take good care of yourself and stay well.

{{{Patty}}} ~ How wise your Lori is -- life here is too short to be our real home. And our real home is beyond our imagining, Blissful and free of all of our Earthly burdens. I wish I had the ability to fathom it. But I know through Michael that it is magnificent. And that brings me comfort, as I'm sure it does to you, knowing how connected Lori was to that understanding before she crossed over into the beautiful love and light on the other side. May you, and we all, be graced with butterflies this Spring.

{{{Dee}}} ~ You have such a lovely way of expressing your thoughts, and I really appreciate your insight. I'm sure that my heart is reshaped, and it beats with more love and forgiveness than before. Michael sends me hearts in his signs, as a reminder of how strong his heart was, despite the weakness of some of his vessel's other parts. And he is always in my heart, just like your sweet Erica. I can see where she gained her wisdom...from you.

{{{Daveydow}}} ~ Ever faithful, and always supporting, no matter what word you write. Just knowing that others care enough to share their thoughts to me is worth thousands of words. Sometimes all we can do is say that we understand and that we are sorry and praying for each other. And you are so wonderful in doing this for everyone here.

{{{Betsy}}} ~ Also ever faithful and always supporting, and filled with hope and optimism. Thank you for uplifting us with your generous spirit. Just like your Danny. What a great legacy to have saved the lives of 5 other people. Bless you Betsy as you continue on your journey.

And to all of our {{{Friends}}} ~ Please check in once in awhile and let us know that you are at least okay. Even if you say nothing more than, "I'm here." I worry about every one of you when long periods of time pass, and you don't post. I know that we all have times where we read, but don't post, but let's not let that be too long of a stretch. We're in this together. We're here for each other, and that means YOU! We aren't alone. We are standing in a giant circle around the Earth holding hands and walking with each other. So, if it's been awhile since you have posted, please drop by and just let us know that you are here.

My candle is lit for our children and for each of you that God will grant you peace and comfort today and every day ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[julsmom]

A little story about cemetaries - there is a restaurant that is kitty-corner from the cemetary where Julie is buried. One night we decided to have dinner there. We didn't realize that the windows actually looked out at the cemetary so we sat the whole dinner gazing at the cemetary. I guess we thought the tables faced a different way and we wouldn't have that view. Needless to say we haven't had dinner there since. Peace to all. Lynda

[kathy714]

Hello everyone,i finally have time to read and post,i feel like i have missed all my friends here,it seems like i work all the time.I hope everyone is getting through each day with a little bit of peace,you all are in my thoughts...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom forever

[kathy714]

Dear Peacefulnow,I had a really hard time the first i visited Nathan,and i still cry every time,mostly when i get back in my car,i just break down,and start crying.I also always felt that after someone close to me died,i would always say that it is just their body there,,but for some reason i feel different about Nate,i do feel like i feel him there with me when i go visit,i sometimes wonder if it is because Nathan has two friends,that are also at that cememtary,and Nate and i use to go there together to visit them,so i always think all 3 are hanging there together.Also where he is is new,so it is very small,and i find it very peaceful when i go there.I still miss him very,very much...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom forever

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,how are you,hope everything is going ok,i hope you are feeling your son Danny around a little more,you sound better in your post.I will be home this weekend i will look for you online.You are always in my thoughts,,,T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[deewithgreeneyes]

Dear Rosalyn...I am here. I have been reading everyone's post's and I am glad that some of you are finding some peace. As for me I am spiraling downhill and I am scared. I can't hold up anyone and I feel useless.

[enufalreddy]

I miss my visits to the cemetery. The place where my family is buried is way out in the country and does not get plowed in the winter. So I'm waiting for spring and a chance to go visit Walt's resting place. I always feel closer to Walt when I am there. I feel like I want to take a blanket and lay down on top of his grave and take a nap.Most people would probably say that my idea is really sick...but it is how I feel and what I want to do.And I will.I suppose it is kind of like when a cat loses a litter of kittens...she keeps going back to the place where she saw them last.I feel like it is nature. All I know is that I feel compelled to do it.I'm not crazy. At least I don't believe I am.I will never be the same.Of that I am sure....{{{{{{{Dee}}}}}}}}}}}cradle yourself and just hang on.In time you will feel different.If for nothing else,we are all of use to each other. We are our survival partners on a trip none of us signed up for.I will pray for peace for our souls.....Erma

[maskott]

Deewithgreeneyes...you don't ever have to expect to hold anyone up. Just be thankful you can make it through each minute. Most days, I just manage to make it home from work. I also have days when I am spiraling downwards. Just be here with us. If you need help, we will be there for you. When you can give help, you will. That's what make us a family now. We are here to lift up when we can...and expect someone else to lift us up when we need it.

BettyAnn

[donosmom]

enufalreaddy,

I too have been drawn to Matt's resting place like that. My husband and I have taken our lunch and gone to the cemetary and had lunch with Matt. We sit and chat with each other and Matt. I always leave with tears but a sense of peace as well.

Matthews Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[maureensmom]

For Peacefulnow and everyone who has written about cemetary visits... I feel better, not so cowardly as I did before I read the postings. I still have Maureen\'s ashes, in their bronze box, in a glassed-in kitchen cupboard on the highest shelf. I have been so horrified, so grief-stricken whenever I glance up there, so recently I\'ve been just opening the cabinet, and just very gently touching the box through the veil of stars that I wrapped her in. It\'s so hard, so cool, so unlike my girl, but it reminds me of how her forehead felt when I kissed her goodbye. As I continue to touch the box, very gently, I seem to be breaking through some kind of black spell. My sister says that I need to equate her ashes with comfort, rather than with pain. I\'m trying, I really am. I\'ve been on vacation, our first time in Colorado without Maureen. It was so sad. Welcome to Patty; everyone here knows how you feel. May you find some day to day comfort in sharing your experience, strength and hope with us.

Georgia

[deewithgreeneyes]

Thank you for your reply. Like I said I feel as though I am spiralling through a dark hole but headed downwards. As I had mentioned I had a massive heart attack this past April and had heart surgery. My kids were there with me all the way. I have been dwelling so much on wanting to be with Michelle...went to the cardiologist and he has found some problems so I will be in the hospital next week. More surgery I'm sure. I am not getting blood to the back of my heart. I was thinking while he was talking to me that I don't even know if I have the "will" like I did last time to get through it. I really don't know I do. I mis her so much, like all of you miss your children. I say to myself everyday "this is not living, it is just breathing in and out" I HAVE NEVER BEEN THIS WAY, always had a appreciation and love for life. I am not going to make hr memorial tomorrow as I am to tired and not feeling well enough to go, but I know she willunderstand, she used to worry so about my heart condition. God, I miss her.

[julsmom]

Dee hang in there please. We all need to hear from you so we can lift each other up. We all know how much you miss Michelle, but you must continue to work towards physical healing as well as emotional healing. You are in my prayers. Lynda

[mom2angels]

{{{HUGS}}} Lynda, Kathy, Erma, BettyAnn, Mary and Georgia~ After tending to the graves of my parents and other family members for many years, I realized that I would never be able to handle having Michael's remains anywhere but in our home. I would probably pitch a tent at the cemetery and never leave. And I was determined that Michael was going to come home to us one way or the other.

His room is a serene sanctuary, where his two beautiful urns sit. Jon also has a small urn in his room, and I have 3 teddy bear lockets with a sprinkling of his ashes which I always wear, replacing one after another wears out.

Initially, I would stand in his room, looking at his urns, weeping. Gradually, like Georgia's sister suggested, I began to find comfort having him near and tending to his room as a sacred place. With my parents and other relatives, I felt good about maintaining their gravesites, bringing them flowers, and talking to them. I found that the more I was able to go to the cemetery and do this, the better I felt.

Everyone of us has to do what feels right to us at the time, what we feel we are capable of doing, and what we think we can cope with after we've done it. That definitely applies to visiting the cemetery and/or looking at and touching urns. There are no rules or guidelines for this stuff; we just have to do our best. And I think you are all remarkable.

{{{Deewithgreeneyes}}} ~ I just sensed that something was wrong with you, as you had so much strength in your voice here, especially after you met with your shaman and planned your healing journey. It seemed that you were coping better, and then you were silent.

First, Dee, please let us know when you will be in the hospital and when your surgery is scheduled so that we can light our candles and pray specifically for you during that time.

Next, is there anyone you could ask to come here to BI to give us an update on your surgery and recovery? I'm'sure that all of us will want to know how you are.

Next, who will be with you during all of this, in addition to us and your beloved daughter and mother?

I'm so sorry that you won't be able to go to her memorial tomorrow, as I know that you had planned to do this. Of course Michelle understands, and she is right there with you as you await your surgery, and she'll be with you all the way through it. Have faith and trust. Let her strength give you strength. Let her courage and her love for life compel you and sustain you. She would tell you to live, to gather the will to live, to squeeze every drop out of life every moment you are given.

Of course, you know that depression goes hand in hand with cardiac problems, and yours are exacerbated by your deep grieving. I'm sure that the stress of all that you have been enduring is not helping your condition. Is there any possibility that members of your church and your shaman could come to your home and perform some healing ceremonies to help you to relax a bit? To gently guide you into a peaceful place?

You are in my prayers, Dee. God bless you and bring you safely through a successful surgery and a rapid and complete recovery.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone~ and my prayers for your peace and comfort ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[maskott]

When Matthew died, Jeff and I were on our way to South Carolina to look at places we wanted to move to in possibly two years. I could not possibly put Matthew in the ground when I knew I would be gone in a few years. I couldn't leave him by himself. I had never thought of cremation...nobody in my family had ever been cremated. In my mind, I had no choice...I wasn't leaving Matthew behind. We have him in his bedroom and, as with Rosalyn, it is like a "Matthew shrine". Kristin found him lying on the couch and swore she would never sit on that couch again. So that couch went into his room. I find it a haven for me now. I go in there to meditate, talk to him or even read if I want to be near him. The room is such a comfort. It doesn't make the grieving any easier...I still find myself crying at times when I'm in his room.

Dee...hoping things go well in the hospital. Of course, you will be in all of our thoughts. I know how easy it is to say you want to be with Michelle. Believe me, I want to be with Matthew more than anything, but you have to be strong and have the will to keep going for the others in your life. I know it's not easy to do. Keep us informed.

To all...a happy St. Patrick's day to all. Jeff is making so much corned beef, he could feed an army.

BettyAnn

[aprilsmom]

Hi Maskott, We too, had our daughter cremated. Odd, but she had shared with friends that "if anything ever happens to me....like my gramma.....don't want to be in the ground with the bugs......" - whatever. But, I want you to know I never felt good about having the urn in my house, it was bizarre because I put April's ashes in it with my bare hands and I felt like it wasn't HER at all. Where I do find comfort is at the crash site, and people think I'm nuts going out there and still putting flowers and tossing away the tumbleweeds. I guess it's because that's where she was when she 'left' us. I was able to get there before the coroner took her away and when I walked out into the street and stood over her beautiful face I so vividly remember her PRESENSE over my right shoulder: "YOU'RE/BE (came out as the same word) STRONG MOM..." Gosh, she always thought she knew everything:) and probably got that from me. I try to remember what she spoke to me that day but I am so far from strong on a lot of days. I want to share just one verse of a poem someone put on my desk yesterday because I know you can ALL answer its question regarding YOUR KIDS:

Not- how did he die Not- how did she die

But how did he live? But how did she live"

Not what did he gain Not what did she gain

But what did he give? But what did she give?

Our kids were truly amazing. Here's to love!

[aprilsmom]

Sorry, that came out funny, I separated the poem as I typed the verse but it ran it altogether. Bye, R-

[aprilsmom]

Deewithgreeneyes- where is the service exactly and what time? I may drive over and go FOR you! Take Care, Renee

[lorismom]

For Daveydow1 - Thank you for welcoming me to BI and your kind words about my daughter, Lori. I feel blessed to have found such a compassionate group of people. I'm very sorry that you've had to grieve over the loss of 2 children. Thankfully time does seem to soften the grief somewhat and make this journey a little more bearable.

For Georgia - I am very sorry for the loss of your daughter, Maureen. I, too, have Lori's ashes. My husband and I find comfort in having her close to us. Thank you for welcoming me here.

Peace and comfort to everyone here.

Patty

[deewithgreeneyes]

Aprilsmom, the service is at the Marjorie Luke theatre. Doors open at 5:00 today the show starts at 6:30. Wish I could make it but just don't feel good enough to do the trip. I would feel honored if you went.

I will be back on line later to respond to the posts.

Rosalyn you are a tower of strength and courage, unbelievable. I admire you so much. I will be back to chat with everyone later, I have another doctor's appointment to go to in an hour. Love, Dee

[mamabets]

For Deewithgreeneyes- As I sit here and read all of these posts, I too, JOIN in this circle of prayers for you... Renee, God love you if you can make the service, but NOT to worry if you can't. The thought is so dear, so beautiful of you.. We are all here together, and where we are is where we are supposed to be... It's funny, but so many ways of thinking have changed since we all became one. I am overwhelmed at the love that has given the word love a new defintion almost... A definition that will never be found in a book, but between the lines of this group of people that add such hope and color to the story that I now write... Our story that began right here with all of these brave, weary travelers... To think that there is a war going on somewhere, to think that parents can get away with bullying their kids, to think that there is such suffering...I have no answers for the world... I have all the answers I need to survive, for me, and therefore us, right here with all of you! xoxoxomamabets