Loss of an Adult Child

[aim630]

It is the middle of the night & just had time to check in. I will try to read everything tomorrow, but was just skimming through.

Crystal-Tyler's mom-Ashley did the exact same thing with her phone! She had a message where she said "Hello?" and it got me every time, I thought she was really answered the phone, then I would get a beep...It drove me crazy too, I would get so mad! Now I only wish I could still call her & get stupid messages. She had her own cell phone plan & was paying $200 a month (had her friend on the bill also, who never paid). We couldn't afford to pay her bill as well as our own, so we had to have it shut off. It sounds like Ashley & Tyler both had that ornery streak!

Thinking of you all, will try to properly reply tomorrow after I've gotten a little sleep.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[crystalann]

We still have Tyler's phone in the evidence back he had it in his had that day.It still has to be cleaned and no one wants to do that.We all do want to see what pics he has on it.

Dee- No worries, I did mention in my first few post that Lucy might be,but she wasnt.I had mixed feelings about that.Would have loved to have that little piece of Tyler.Would not have wanted her to go thru it alone without him. Love to all,Crystal

[mysonrich]

Lori, great pictures. Did Vanessa have her own studio?

Rhonda, how are you?Dee, you know the saying, once you learn you never forget. I feel pulled in directions at times that require me to be a caregiver of sorts. Or a , I don't know, someone to watch over others yet not to a great degree. Getting out has not been a priority for me but I should make it one. The bike is a small step. I still wrestle with anxiety. Places I use to shop with both kids for example, the supermarket in the town over, I haven't been there in years. Hmm, those memories are from my married days but as I walk the isles my mind goes back. Anyway, the bike may help. I kind of think Rich would like this. The brother is a bike rider too. Ramble ramble.

Not sure who took this. Good that I have it.

This one is for you Dee. Check out the sign on the front.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Betsy Thanks for the pictures. Love the flowers and Rich looks so handsome with a wonderful twinkle.in his eyes. I do understand about the re memories and feeling the anxiety when returning to different places where we use to thrive I cannot drive in Stephen's town or go any where near the home where he lived for 15 years. It is over whelming.

Lori I too loved Vanessa's pictures. They do look so professional Thanks for posting your beautiful family here as Tylers'smom Crystal stated, it is so healing to come here share and read about each Indigo and connect with people who know.

Lori The picture of the pup was so cute . You are a very loving person and that pup was so fortunate.

Sherry I remembered the story about Davey's pup "Dash" .Davey was such a loving gentle man.

Dee I forgot to mention the dress It sounds perfect. The color and fabric will enhance your fair skin and beauty I am going out today to purchase an Easter hat. Have not done that since I was a child but feel like having a big flowery hat for the spring

Sharon, Diane, Tony, Rhonda, Carol, Trudi and all Indigos thinking of you today.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, that photo made me smile and in addition to the sign, the address is 14. Eri died on the14th of July 2003, a date that included yet another 4 in her numbers. I love that photo of Rich, so cute.

Love to all,

dee

[Guest msnher]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GILA0rrR6w&sns=fb

Tickling a baby penguin ... It put a smile on my face, hopefully it will put one on yours.

[westleysmom]

Betsy-I'm okay, thanks for asking. I got my grandbaby yesterday for church and never got a chance to sign on. We took her fishing at the pond and she caught her first fish. She was pretty excited and then through with fishing. Been there, done that, I guess! Rich was so handsome. I hope the bike riding is good, I like to ride, but there's not much places to do it that you don't have to fear for your life around here. Everybody drives fast on the country roads and there aren't any bike trails.

Lorri-I'm so sorry about the puppy. It was really cute.

Lori-The pictures of the kids and the ones that Vanessa took are all so good. That youngest boy reminds me of Westley at that age, always with a mischeivous look in his eye. I'm sorry about your kitty cat.

Dee-The dress sounds so pretty. I'm sure it will look great on you. And good job not waiting until the last minute like I usually do. Then I can't find anything that looks right because I'm in such a hurry.

Betty-They were saying on the Today show the other day how hats were really big this year because of the royal wedding that is on the 29th. I hope you find something really unique like you.

Sherry-Westley had several dogs, we had to get rid of the one he had when he graduated because the neighbor got chickens and the people that had been working on their home had been feeding Sasha, so she had gotten used to going over there. Then when the chickens came, the neighbor came over and said to please keep her away. Which I completely understood, but was totally impossible to do without penning her up. She thought that was her second home. Westley never forgave that man for making us send Sasha to live with his friend James. He could still visit her at James' house, but we never got another dog. We only have Bobby the cat now.

Tony-I know how hard the special days are. When I went to the cemetery yesterday alone, I cried for a long time. I don't want to have special days, I don't want to plan what we're eating for breakfast or lunch, I don't want to buy Easter candy, because none of these plans include Westley. All I can do is grit my teeth and get through it hopefully as quickly as possible. I know that's not fair to those left behind with me, but if I tell the truth, that's how I feel. And he was practically a grown man. So I can only imagine that it is much harder for you to get through this week and this holiday that he loved. The "firsts" are hard, no doubt about it. I would love to see the tattoos.

Amy-Westley always sounded like you'd just woken him up on his voice-mail and like he wasn't too happy about it. He'd switched over to a pay as you go plan, so his phone (and voice mail message) were gone before too long. I tried to record it before it was turned off, but couldn't get too good a sound quality.

Susannah-Sounds like you're planning for everything. I hope you have a really good time on your trip and that Amanda is doing fine.

Well, I need to get to work. Thinking of you all today and every day.

[crystalann]

Morning all,

Monday I hate Monday! I just got over it being Tuesday I hated.I guess I woke up to my own little pity party.I dont understand this life I am living.I lost my dad at 18 took me years to get over it 23 Years in June.My mom I really had a hard time with I had to do cpr on her and still haunts me 3 years in May.Have lost both sets of grandparents.I have one sister still in Oklahoma dont talk to much.Now I am back argueing with my husband.Something we have been doing for the last year and a half.After my mom I thought I learned life is short and we should be happy.So I thru my self into the kids lives even more and my husband I felt didnt appreciate what he had.He didnt even go to Thanksgiving.Our argueing made Tylers last months with us hard.I feel sooooo bad about it.Now we are back to argueing his change didnt last long or my change is to much.I just dont understand all I have lost in my life and for god to take Tyler when I was so low already.He was taking care of me he was my rock in all the argueing with his dad.Tyler would get my stuff to the car and tell me I didnt deserve to be talked to like that so I should leave and I would.I miss him I need him....I dont even know what to do or who I am i still feel numb..Thanks for listening. Sorry for putting all that out there but I think I needed to.I have noone here to talk to. :'( Crystal

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi everybody. It has been a horrible morning as usual. I am going to try to post the tattoo pictures here. Hopefully this works. I am thinking about all of you as usual. I was looking forward to my counseling session at 11:00 today. She is sick and canceled. My new medications are making me very jittery and nervous. I am so lost again today. The first tattoo is on my forearm. The second tattoo is on my left arm and its Brendan's signature. The third picture is my beautiful Brendan.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Betsy, I'm glad you found a bike. It's sounds like it could be therapeutic for you to go ride. Yes, Vanessa had her own Studio in LA and was in the process of opening one in Florida. That's a big sore spot for me because her boyfriend kept all of her cameras, lighting, studio equipment, computers and basically everything including stealing all her money. He had no rights to any of it. It was Vanessa's company for years before she met him and everything belonged to her. I wish there was something I could do to get it but, unfortunately I was told I would have to hire a lawyer and go after him legally for it. I called several attorneys but they want a $5000.00 retainer fee and anywhere between $375.00 to $475.00 an hour to take the case. I don't have the money to hire one. So, he gets everything even though he has no rights to any of it. When I went to collect her things he bullied me, got up in my face raised his voice and threatened me. I had to leave for fear, I called the police. The police said nothing could be done even though they said all of her belongings legally go to the next of kin and he has no claim to any of it. They said they couldn't let me go in the house and collect it because he resides there and it would be trespassing unless he allows me in. The House was in Vanessa's name only! As well as all the bills, bank accounts and everything. The police told him her things belonged to me and the boyfriend said NO, he payed for everything so it belongs to him. LIES all LIES! This guy has No high school diploma, No GED and only worked a few months at a minimum wage job while he was with her. He couldn't have afforded even one of her cameras. Vanessa was fed up with him using her and had broke up with him. The police said it would be my burden to prove it was her stuff. But since he was in the house he has all the receipts, CC statements and bank info. I have nothing to prove what was hers. So, he wins! He probably killed her because he was going to be out on the street with nothing and now he is living the high life, driving a new car, vacationing with his new girlfriend all with Vanessa's money. I just hope they prove he killed her and justice prevails.

Sorry for the rant..... I just get so angry when I think about him and his selfishness. Nothing, Materialistic should ever come before a life.

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....made it through the weekend...went to the conference with my husband, took the dog, 8# chihuahua with us....he is 7 y/o, and such a baby, but he is so funny. goes everywhere with us. jim went to meeting, and max and i stayed in the room, resting.....it was ok, but i was glad to get home.

i love all the photos and tatts....thanks for sharing....i haven't even quite figured out how to put photos on the gallery yet, but i will get there, eventually.

i'm a little computer challenged...these attachment things get me every time...some day i will catch on...

sonya and pam...are you ok from the horrible NC weather? i hope so....those storms/tornadoes were terrible....let me know how you faired....please.

i am sorry for everyone having such bad days lately....i, too, have not been doing so well.....today, i said 'my life is over'. not meaning it the way nathan meant it, just meaning, i have no purpose, no joy, no happiness, nothing to look forward to....i KNOW, i REALLY KNOW, i have so many things in my life to be ever so grateful for....like my husband, my 3 children, my 6+ grandchildren, but i just can't find those joys....they can't rise out of my body and be happy....i can put on a kind of pretty face and pretend, but when i look in the mirror at that pretend face, i can see in my eyes, it is all fake, and i see the sad eyes, so i don't know what they see. but, i see right through me...funny, 'see right through me'....i feel empty inside....just an empty shell with skin on top....i don't want to feel like this,, i hate this new life, i hate this new person, but i can't climb out and start over....there will forever be this hole in my heart, this empty place, this sadness inside me that drags me down and won't let me be happy.....and the guilt, OMG, the guilt, for so many things....that is just adding to emptiness i feel....i can't repair any of it.....it weighs me down and won't leave me alone....i miss the old me, i miss nathan, and i am beyond hope of being normal again. i know this, yet the struggle continues...i don't know what to do.....i cry, i yell, i scream for nathan to come home and fix what is broken....i love him, have always loved him....he told me in a text the day before that i was 'always a loving, passionate, compassionate, caring and superior mother!' i told him to 'take care of yourself...i love you way too much to let anything happen to you...i love you, nate.' he said, 'i truly LOVE YOU TOO MOM! ALWAYS & FOREVER

that is the last time i heard from him.....then the next day, my son, lee, called me in the afternoon and told me the most horrible news of my life....i literally wanted to go with him. some days, i still do....other days, i know that i can't do that....it just hurts so much....

someday, i hope there will be something i can find joy in and start my life over again....maybe when the new baby arrives, it will trigger something within me and it will be a start. one can only hope....this grief is overwhelming....

sorry to take up so much of your reading time...sorry...

diane

[Guest msnher]

Could be the rain/snow. Could be I'm just a coward and/or lazy. Could be fear over Amanda's health. Could be Stephanie's approaching birthday. A blanket of sadness has wrapped itself around me this morning. An empty hole filled with sorrow, regret, guilt, relief, gratitude, more guilt, responsibility, shame for the person I am today.

It all makes me very tired.

I've had several good days in a row and I have faith they will return.

Love the pictures. The tatoos. Love reading each of your posts.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

lori...i'm sorry you are having a hard time with ex-boyfriend.....i, too, have a hard time with an ex-girlfriend of nathans.....i call her the skanky-murdering-ho.......well, she sucked anything and everything out of him..as much $$ as she could until the very end, then i really believe that she was 90% of why he decided he had to leave this world.....she was mostly responsible...and she never once told anyone in the family 'sorry for your loss'...ever.....she disappeared completely....we didn't allow her at the service...my son, lee, is a police officer, and he had 20-30 blues outside with her car plate # and her photo, and told her that if she tried to show up, she would be arrested and taken to jail on the spot....we had a private service in a private place, so it was not open to the public.....he even had the chief of police call her ahead of time and tell her this, she did not come. it was not going to be pretty had she shown up. they told her out of respect for nathan's mother, do not show up. she didn't...

i so hope you get some kind of justice...i really do....i can really understand that kind of turmoil.

sus...i am sorry you are having a bad day, too....boy, do we all know about having a BAD DAY.....they just suck out loud....i want to wish you some peace, but i can't find any either, so it's hard for me to wish anyone peace when i don't know how to find it myself....sorry,

maybe, just maybe, somewhere out there, we can have at least one decent day among the bad days....hoping still.....diane

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Tony, Great Tattoos! I love the one of Brendan's signature. He was a handsome, cute little guy! I'm so sorry he had to be taken from you. As always... you and your family are in my daily thoughts.

Betty, I agree, I wouldn't be doing as well as I am if not for this site and the BI family. It's amazing how much it helps to talk about our lives, children and grieving processes along with reading about everyone else's.

Dee, Thank you! Yes, Addie is very photogenic and was one of Vanessa's favorite subjects to take pictures of. Addie and Dominick have been my Saviour's through this process of grieving. I have over whelming fears something will happen to them now, not justified fears, just in general. I guess it's normal after losing two children to worry about more losses. Addie is 5, will be 6 on May 11th. All three of my girls were "May Babies". (So am I..... 5/12 is my Birthday) Dominick is 3, his birthday is July 4th. I started all over! I raised the first three and had tremendous empty nest syndrome when Nessa and Jeff went off to college! Plus, Vanessa kept begging me to have more children. I guess God had a plan for me, he gave me two more healthy, beautiful, loving, wonderful children to take care of. I have always loved being a mother. From the time I was a child and people would ask me what are you going to be when you grow up, my answer would always be "A Mommy". I flourished in the roll of Mommy and became a foster parent so I could help children in their time of need. I'm a mentor for the foster care program and help other foster parents deal with the problems the children come to their homes with. I collect clothing, toys, school supplies and other things for underprivileged children. Vanessa was as giving as me. She photographed the children for free and gave the parents wonderful pictures of them. Vanessa was also a volunteer at the Humane Society and worked to better the lives of animals. That's is why her boyfriend makes me even madder! Because, I know Vanessa would have wanted her money to go to a worthy cause she believed in not to pay for his vacations with his new girlfriend. One more note about Vanessa, She was writing, filming, producing a documentary on homeless pregnant women in LA. She went and found some homeless pregnant women and bought them prenatal vitamins, payed for medical care, was feeding them, clothing them and giving them baby supplies in exchange for their stories so she could shed light on a needed cause and hopefully help the UN-born children to have a better life. She was an Angel! I miss her so much!

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Susannah, Sorry your having such a bad day! Your description of your feelings are what a lot of people feel.... "A blanket of sadness has wrapped itself around me this morning. An empty hole filled with sorrow, regret, guilt, relief, gratitude, more guilt, responsibility, shame for the person I am today." Don't be so hard on your self. Try to pick/find something that makes you happy and do it. I don't look forward to these gloomy days.

Sorry again, my friend.

Diane, Thank you for the understanding. You gave us a lot of insight about you today. I can see a very wee little bit of healing in your writings. The text from Nathan is such a gift! I hope you can see it that way. He loved you and wanted you to know it will be always and forever! He told you what a Great Mother you were. It's not your fault in any way, shape or form that Nathan took the path he did. You couldn't have changed it, no matter what you would have done. Please use his words to try and take a few steps forward. I know its hard, my friend. I'm glad your weekend went well.

[lolynbo]

HEY GUYS...

LOVE THE LIL PIC OF BRENDEN..WHAT A SWEET SMILE

I WANT ANOTHER TATTOO AS WELL FOR MOTHERS DAY...I HAVE KOURTNEYS PORTRAIT ON MY SHOULDER, HER BIRTH CERTIFICATE FOOTPRINTS ON MY LEG, AND MY 3 PEA POD ON MY RIBS....I WANT THE HOPE/FAITH ON MY WRIST...MONTY SAYS NO..(NOT ON WRIST)..LIKE I CARE AT THIS POINT..OF COURSE HAD TO PHOTOGRAPH THE TATTS BUT THE PORTRAIT LOOKS JUST LIKE HER AS LONG AS I DONT MOVE AND DISTORT HER FACE....WELL I SEE THE PORTRAIT IS HUGE..OH WELL

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Sorry everyone, It's my day off, worked all weekend. I know, I'm on here a lot today. Your probably getting tired of reading my post's. This is the last one (Promise) before I go clean house and run my errands. It's just really hard to motivate myself to do anything else but think of Vanessa and Kailey. I guess that's why I'm spending so much time here today.

Anyway, I just wanted to leave this picture that Vanessa took of Addie and Dominick during a photo shoot. She accidentally took it while adjusting her camera settings and we were fixing Dominick's hair. Vanessa and I laughed so hard when we saw it. Our sides were hurting from laughing so much as we were coming up with all kinds of captions to add to the photo. It is a great memory even though it's an unflattering picture of Poor Dominick.

I hope, I got a smile out of all of you with this picture! Peace to all of you!

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I started out this day feeling "My new normal" went shopping for food and did the laundry and all of a sudden I entered into the same black hole that seems to have enveloped Sus. .

I feel so lost, alone, angry, sad- wanting Stephen and no one else matters. Sisters, nephews, companion for over 20 years are meaningless to me when this hits. I feel alone and in the black pit and want no consolation but Stephen . I want to be and feel as I did when he was here and I was "Mom".I too wanted to kill Stephen's girlfriend and told him once that if anything happened to him I would kill her. He laughed an assured me he was fine and would get it together!!

He did not turn it around and I did not kill her. In fact I even agreed to let her attend his service-even though I wanted to choke her. She was all dressed in black, in tears and spent the entire time at the casket touching his hair How painful that was!!!

Diane you did good with how you handed Nathan's girlfriend I am proud of you

Tony and Lorri I love the tats

I think I feel a little better just typing this out

Thanks for being here.

Lori the picture is adorable so sweet

[Guest msnher]

Betty - Hugs to you, my friend!

Lori - I'm not sure if I complimented all the pictures or not, but I'm sure impressed. Love the picture of Dominique and Addie. It did bring a smile to my face.

After a good cry, I slept hard. The phone woke me up. Amanda said they are putting in her in the hospital to monitor her heart for 24 hours. I told her I would do what I could to change my flight and be there ASAP. She wants me to wait because she's arranged for me to meet all her doctors on the 3rd. I don't know. I'll let y'all know.

[ericasmom]

Oh Lori, you never have to apologize for being on here often, we have all spent the day online before, inthis place. I did indeed smile at the photo you showed of Addie and Dominic. So cute. Great looking kids.

Betty, I am so sad that you are so sad today, I know that dark place, our names are written on the walls as evidence of our having been in those tunnels of grief before. Cave writings depicting the anguish and despair we have gone through and revisit at times.

I am holding you close and wishing that this dark time is shortlived.

I've not read much today too busy with students but suffice it to say that I am thinkin gof you all. Rhonda, Sherry, I hope the dress I talked about is the right one, but if not, I have a new pretty dress.

Peace fellow travelers

[crystalann]

Lori-I am glad yoi have been here all day reading on here keeps me from going deeper into that black hole.

I read you have a forth of July boy!

Tyler is a forth of July boy.

Stephanie's mom- I am praying for Amanda.Hope your trip is a safe one.

[aim630]

Susannah-I am praying for Amanda. Both of you have been through unimaginable things. She is a real fighter, like you. I hope your trip goes well.

Lori-Your kids are adorable, and Vanessa was a wonderful photographer. It is terrible that the police could do nothing to help you and that scumbag of a boyfriend ended up will all her stuff. If he did something to harm her, I hope they find some evidence and get him put away. Kailey had been through so much in her young life, but she sounds like she was a very happy girl. The picture of her standing and smiling touched my heart. I'm sorry about your cat.

Lorri-Sorry about the puppy. It had to be heartbreaking. I'm glad that she got to spend at least one night with a loving family though.

Tony-I like your tattoos, especially Brendan's name in his handwriting. The "first" holidays and special days are so hard. We've just completed a year. Although Ashley was 23 (really 22, since she spent most of her 3 months of being 23 in a coma) I still made an Easter basket for her every year. She had my childhood Easter basket, which was my dad's childhood Easter basket. Now she and my dad are together in heaven. I hope you start to feel better on the medication, it takes a while for your body to get used to some of them.

Everyone else-hope you are doing well, thinking of everyone.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - Wow, the pain I read hear is so diffacult, my heart hurts so much for all those new to this journey....I want so badly to talk to all of you but I am and have been at a loss for words which makes me feel so guilty......When I first came here no one left me, they were here every minute of every day sharing with me, holding me up - letting me talk and we became a family and now I feel as though I have abandoned all of you -- Why have I come to this point where I am useless to all of you ?? I think of you each day but that sure as hell does not help any of you does it.....I pray that it will pass and I will be able to come back to the family that I have come to love and cherish....beautiful friends from all parts of the world walking the same path .....Kathy

[kmb22]

Oh Kathy, I feel the same way so many days. I would so like to say something to give a little hope but it's so hard. I more often, these days, feel there is none. So much pain, a pain we all know too well. And no words to ease the pain. My heart and thoughts are with you all each day.

[Guest msnher]

I will be in New Hampshire tomorrow evening. I'll try to keep you all posted.

[Guest msnher]

Keep Amanda in your prayers. They admitted her to the hospital tonight. Pains in her chest and her legs went number.

[ericasmom]

Sus, so glad that you followed your gut and changed your ticket, that you will be with Amanda through this thing, and your being there will offer her so much in the way of love and relaxation and recovery. Good for you both. Do let us know what is going on when you are able. Peace in your heart, prayers surrounding you and Amanda.

Kath, Karen, all, don't feel you must come here to assist, instead come here when you want and take from it the healing available and go forth. If trying to answer posts is overwhelming, simply don't. Just read, let everyone know ho wyou are, and be well. Life changes us, the changes keep happening, if you are in a lull for comments, don't feel guilty for that. Heaven knows that we have all had our fill and beyond of guilt. None of that here.

Love and hugs

[dwsmithrn]

sus...will be thinking of amanda and wishing her well....travel safely...

i, too, feel guilty that i come here with a heavy heart and do very little to comfort those in pain....i am sorry for that....i need you all to hold ME up and HOLD my hand through this most horrible journey....it is a terrible thing....my counselor told us that 'grief' is selfish.....i can see what she means by it...not 'us', but 'grief' in itself....it is so demanding of our hearts, bodies and souls....it just swoops in and takes over every thing we can put our hands on, all of our emotions, and there is nothing we can do about it.....so, i will wish us all a little something that we can handle and soon.....i want to give you more, but i don't have it in me yet.

i think about all of you, and i surely couldn't do this without you....so thank you for that....sorry we have to be here in the first place....it's not fair, it's not right, and it's certainly not what we signed up for.......

good night all......diane

[kmb22]

Thank you Dee. My head knows this, my heart wants so badly to help.

Sus - I'm here; if you need anything.please just give me a call...anytime.

[Guest msnher]

Karen, I have both yours and Carol's number in my phone. I'll call you when I get in.

Much love, Susannah

[kmb22]

Okay, I'll be here. Is she in Boston or Exeter? <3 and prayers.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

I am back and feeling better

Sus prayers for you and Amanda I wish you a safe journey GPS systems are a wonderful invention. Be safe

Kathy love just seeing Jessica's beautiful face when I come here so as Dee stated just signing on and saying "HI "is plenty

Diane and Karen The same goes for you. Do no worry about what you share just keep showing up and connecting It helps all of us.

Amy I loved that you still made an Easter basket for Ashlwy and that it was a basket belonging to your DAD. That is really special

Betsy I hope you are out enjoying your new bike

Sherry I know you are out enjoying your beautiful surroundings.

Carol I am not following baseball this month. I do hope the Red Soxs are not beating the Yankees these days

Trudi Missed seeing Mutley this weekend

Try to sleep well this evening Indigos

[mysonrich]

Susannah, Godspeed. ((((hugs))))

Betty, nope. Helping to ready the house for Easter. I might be at Seaside that day,also my birthday. I found hats for you.

http://www.google.co...f&aqi=&aql=&oq=

[mysonrich]

[ericasmom]

Goodnight all, I am pooped tonight, allergies and stayed up too late last evening plus this weather change...pooped out. I wish everyone some deep sleep. Betty, out of all those hats Betsy sent, I wish you hats. So many pretty ones that you would look great wearing.

I went to my friend Kris' house and held my little friend, he is gorgeous. He will likely be needing surgery, biopsy did not get there yet so they let them go home today. PRayers please that little boy sweetie can beat this thing, and thrive.

[Guest msnher]

Prayers, definitely, for your little treasure of a friend, Dee!

Betsy - Is that you taking a bite out of the purse? Adorable rememories!

Thanks, Karen! I hope you and Carol don't mind, I gave Gary both of your phone numbers. I just got off the phone with Amanda. She said she's in Frisbee...I asked her if it was a small hospital and she said it wasn't too small. She sounds exhausted. She said they have her hooked up to all kinds of machines and they have already ran lots of tests. She has strict orders to call me as soon as she gets any news. She's thinking it might all just be indigestion. Wouldn't that be nice? Seriously. It can all be just a bad case of gass and Mom will come and make it all better and we can vacation the rest of the week. Yes, that sounds like the best plan to me.

I'm signing off for tonight and will try to check in with you all tomorrow night, hopefully to let you know all we needed was tums.

Much love to all of you and thank you for your prayers!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Betsy, What a great picture! Very cute!

Susannah, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will be okay with Amanda. You will be in my thoughts as you travel and spend time with Amanda. Have a safe trip and let us know as soon as you can how she is doing.

Dee, I hope you get a good nights sleep.

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!

[Guest msnher]

We made it through the night. Amanda's heart is fine. She has several torn tendins and muscles in her chest which is to blame for all the pain. They gave her some heavy drugs and sent her home. I'm still leaving this morning. Whether I get there tonight or not remains to be seen. The flight out of Ohare was cancelled or switched or something. I'm still flying on faith.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, we posted last eve at the same time and I went to bed without seeing that great photo...so cute. Our Easter shots reveal the motley crew we were.

Sus, good flying, good luck, good vaca with no bigger worries.

dee

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. I am so sorry to come on here every single day and be such a downer. I am having another terrible morning. Why is every morning exactly the same. I feel like I am living in the move Groundhog day. I wake up each morning feeling like I just want my life to be over. I don't want to get out of bed, yet I can't sleep. I toss and turn for about two hours then take a shower. I get ready for work and go into Brendan's room and cry my eyes out. Then I go downstairs and cry some more. Then I go outside and cry again. Finally its off to work. I get to my office for about 30 minutes and its time for me to run out and cry at a park, the cemetery or in a church. I am so very lost. I wake up in the morning and the only thing I can think of is when will it be time for bed again. I am not being a good dad to my five year old Jack and I am not being a good husband to my wife. She has been so much stronger than I have through all of this. I feel like I am just bringing my entire family down and that they would be so much better off without me. I am trying so hard to get my act together, but I miss my Brendan so much. He is all I think about every second of every day. I promised him I would never let anything happen to him yet he is gone and I am still here. Everybody keeps telling me that I have to let Brendan go. I am not sure I know how to do that. How do I let somebody go that I loved more than I ever thought possible to love someone? I know they mean let him go and know he is safe and happy in Heaven. I do believe he is in Heaven, I truly do. Knowing that does not take the pain away of missing him. I just miss him so much. That will never change. I miss everything about my beautiful little boy. My counselor is sick and canceled our appointment. I feel like I am losing my mind. I think the new medication is making me worse. I hate this "new" life I hear so much about. I just want my old life back. I just want to be with my Brendan.

Sorry for the depressing rant. I am just feeling so lost today.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[mysonrich]

I would imagine the mothers of the group would take objection to their children being referred to as a motley crew. Depending of the definition of course.

The girl on the right,my sister, deceased at age 43. The boy behind her, my brother,deceased ,age 14. Me. The rest are cousins.

Susannah, you'll get there. Its so hard when you're in a hurry and the rest of the world seems to move at a snails pace. Remember to breath.

[ericasmom]

Betsy, you have certainly dealt with losses in your life, for that I am sorry.

Tony, life as you knew it is over and I am so sorry, but I implore you to hang on, you are fragile today, beyond your usual and it could be the meds, and even though the doc cancelled, you need to call him/her or someone and tell them it is an emergency. Your wife is being who she is right now, and when you are able, she can have her time to break apart, one person at a time when little ones are about.

Love you hang on

[Crystal Rogerson]

Tony: I agree with Dee...Call and tell them that it's an EMERGENCY that you be seen by ANYONE. You are having so much raw emotion AND the new meds. They can't just stick you on some pills without following up. It usually takes awhile for meds to kick in but there have been a few that I have had that I knew within the first 2 days that something wasn't right. I would hate to think that you are feeling so bad and that your meds are intensifying the situation instead of helping. I hope you get the help you need soon my friend. This is a hard journey but one you shouldn't and WON"T travel alone. We are here and so are the "professionals". So put both to use to your advantage. I wish you speed in finding peace. I wish I could offer more to comfort you, as I'm sure everyone on here wishes the same. Keep us posted on what you find out.

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[westleysmom]

Susannah-Glad for the good news and hope that your trip is good and gives you some peace of mind. Not to mention getting to visit with some BI friends.

Tony-I don't have first hand experience with the meds, but follow the advice of those who do and get this checked out sooner rather than later. You are a pretty young guy and all the tv commercials for antidepressants warn that they can have the opposite effect so maybe that's what's happening with you. There are so many though, I'm sure they will be able to find one that will help you. I'm so sorry that you are having a hard time right now, but never believe that anyone will be better off without you. That's just not true, and like Dee said, sometimes in a marriage you just have to take turns falling apart. I'm sure your wife knows how you are hurting, let her know how much you love and appreciate her, even though right now your grief is squeezing so hard that you can't breathe. You are all in my thoughts.

Betsy-Loved the picture. I'm so sorry for all the losses you have had to endure.

Lorri-You're so brave to get so many tattoos, thanks for posting the pictures. I'm still on the fence about getting one, still thinking what it should be since I'm afraid I will only get one.

Lori-I'm so sorry for all the heartache with Vanessa's boyfriend. She sounds like such an amazing person, ready to do good things for others.

All are in my thoughts daily and sorry I don't remember to post to everyone. My mind is so scattered most of the time and holiday times are especially hard since my family is so big on "events".

[Crystal Rogerson]

Rhonda: Tattoos are addictive! I was afraid when I got my first one too. Now I have eight and can't wait to get more. They are all in places that I can show them if I want and keep them hid when need be.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hey there. Thanks for the advice. I did not call my doctor, but I did call my father in law. We talked for quite a while. He always helps me feel just a little better. I am still really down today. I left work for a couple hours and took a nap. Sleeping is what i do best now. It is the only time I don't feel this horrible pain. I need to get stronger. I know this. I want to be a good daddy and a good husband. I really want that, but my body or my mind just won't let it happen.

You guys are right about tattoos being addictive. I went 34 years without one and since I lost Brendan I now have 3. I am sure more will follow. I hope you all find some peace in your day today.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[ericasmom]

Tony, I was so hoping that we would see you here telling us that you are hanging on. Good for you, and great that you knew who to call. Give that Dad in law a hug from all of us for helping you feel better. Of course you are still feeling poorly, sad, anguished, it will, I swear before God and all of You, that it will one day get softer. You will never forget your Boy, even when you are able to let some of this horror go, you will not forget that Beautiful Brenden, it will in fact make more room for the good in your life. Peace on your spirit today.

dee

[charsng1234]

It is so frustrating when one minute I am ok than the next I am mad than hurt!! This new life stinks thats all I can say. On break from work have a bad headache don't knbow how much I can do.. sharon

[ericasmom]

Sharon, yep, the rollercoaster of this new life. I know it sucks, but it will even out after a while, not right away, but down the road. I wish I could say that many of these feelings of anguish and despair would soon end, but I would be a liar. It will take time, it will take a great deal of energy, it will suck for a long while and it will also begin to feel a bit less like hell on earth one day.

By the way, those of you new to this, grieving does take a great deal of energy, it makes us exceedingly tired and weary. Take vitamins like a multi and some C to help build your immune systems if your doctor says it is warranted.

It is 35 degrees adn rainy cold and ugly out. I often don't mind the weather, but it is so chilling to the bone and I so want to wear spring clothing and take the third graders out. Most of them have missed several of thier little league games due to weather already. In fact, Jon (son) was supposed to have a practice tonight with the team he plays on. He is on an adult league with many of his cousins and friends. The games are a joy to attend, just fun and friendly. Listening to Paul Simon's new material. Great stuff.

[crystalann]

Sharon - I too hate the up and down!This new life I dont like it at all.I find myself srceaming to the top of my lungs WHY WHY?? I guess that is something we all ask.

Today is a little better than yesterday.I did have to take a nap. I the good side the veggies at dinner were not mush to night everyone ate them:). Dinner still is hard at least I dont cry every time I make it anymore. I hope everyone is doing the best they can. Love to all,Crystal