Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

ANOTHER SONG I HEARD AFTER I LEFT CEMETERY

MERCY ME NEVER BEEN MORE HOMESICK THEN NOW

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again

To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

[charsng1234]

that is a beautiful song.. I ask how much longer can I hold on the pain in my heart is awfull I can not take it,, all I can think about is my son I have pictures of him everywere I dont know what to do it kills me to see his pictures but I can't take them down.. I hate this I am not as strong I tell or show ppl my life is falling apart.. shanes mom..

[lolynbo]

DONT TAKE THEM DOWN...ITS SO HARD FOR ME TO LOOK AT OTHER PICS...I HAVE MY "SAFE PICS" THE ONES THAT HAD ALREADY BEEN OUT BUT I HAVE A LARGE BOX OF PICS THAT I HAVENT SEEN IN YEARS...THE BABY PICS GET ME THE MOST..I GUESS...HUGGGGGGGGS

[crystalann]

Sharon,I feel the same way,but would feel worse if I took them down.I can look at his baby pics and elementary pics and smile and feel warm.When I look at the more recent pics it hurts so bad I break down.I tell him how sorry I am.

Love to all Crystal

[Brendan's Daddy]

I absolutely love that song. I hear it all the time in the car on a station called KLove. Thanks for posting the lyrics.

Shane's mom, I struggle with pictures as well. Anytime I see a picture I completely lose it. I know where all of his pictures are in our house so sometimes I just walk around with my head down so I don't see them. It makes me feel like a terrible daddy. We have tons of his pictures in his room. I go in there each and every night to say good night. His beautiful face on all his pictures just breaks my heart. I miss my son. Daddy loves you Brendan. Forever and always.

[lolynbo]

I absolutely love that song. I hear it all the time in the car on a station called KLove. Thanks for posting the lyrics.

KLOVE HELPS KEEP ME SANE

[shorty16]

[shorty16]

http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a36/MichelleJackson/DSC03837.jpg

[lolynbo]

COLLEEN IS THAT THE TABLE AND RESTERANT BETHANY AND MARCIA SAT /ATE AT? LOOKS LIKE IT

[ericasmom]

Col, what fun you and Marcia had, I am happy for your smiles in the sunlight. I imagine you had some lovely walks along the shore and some great heartfelt talks. Your Angels sitting right on your shoulders soaking up the love.

Lorri, pretty song. Makes me cry. Lorri, did the police find the persons that broke the locks on KK ?

[lolynbo]

WELL THEY CAME AND TOOK REPORT, AND SUPPOSE TO LOOK AT THE FILM/CAMERAS...I BET THEY DONT...VERY SICKNING....I CANT MAKE MY POSTS TURN ORANGE..

[ericasmom]

Sometimes I can't make my posts a color but it comes back after a few hours or so. I am sorry Lorri for your break in. How is Kody and what is new with Kimmy? Oh by the way, Ilove the work Monty did for Trudi, the decal is beautiful. You guys are sweeties.

[Guest msnher]

Karen and Amanda are taking a cigarette break, so I thought I'd check in. Amanda and I met Karen, Carol and Ralph at Warren's Lobster for lunch. It was like we've all known each other all our lives. After lunch Ralph drove us to York to see the lighthouse and the ocean. I can't believe I was in York, Maine! There is so much history in York. But, most importantly I was with four beautiful people!

[Guest msnher]

Warren's Lobster...

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigos;

It was after 5am when we finally drifted off to sleep out of pure exhaustion. We laughed, we cried and talked. WE MISSED YOU WITH US CAROL but I understand you not wanting to drive at night. Please tell Ralph thank you for the picture of the moose sign. I'll post it after I'm awake.

I will also have to post the picture of the tatoo my son got on his arm for Mother's Day. A rose with Mom written on it and above it is a rose with love written on it for his wife.

You were all with us yesterday and again last night with Amanda, Karen and I. Amanda and I are having a cup of coffee and hopefully Karen is still sleeping.

Love to all of you....it occurs to me that we are the first time zone in the US and so no one else in their right mind is probably awake yet.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andy88]

Good morning Indigos! Sorry I haven't posted much lately, but I read your notes every day and think of all of you. I went to Busch Gardens in Virginia last week with my Mom, 2 sisters, 2 nieces and my nephew. Andy and I went there so many times when he was young. I was afraid it might be sad, but we actually had a really good time, and it was wonderful to spend some time with family. I didn't cry for 4 days. When I got home, the floodgates opened. I think I've figured out that I do better if I cry every day, even if it's only for a little while. I look forward to the day when crying isn't a necessity.

We had a devastating tornado here in NC. I was fortunate that it bypassed my house. Unfortunately, the cemetery where Andy is buried took a direct hit, and it is a mess. They were closed for several days, so I couldn't go visit. I looked inside the fence and was ecstatic to see that Andy's part of the cemetery was not hit and all his little trinkets were still there, which was a huge blessing. Somebody left Yoohoo and cookies on his grave last week, which made me smile a big smile. Andy's headstone is ready and they are installing it next week. Not sure how I feel about that. Mostly good I guess because I want people to see his name and know that he was here. We are going to have a little "celebration" with his friends when it is done...maybe sing a song and let some balloons go.

Yesterday I was looking at a pottery pitcher and remembering how I came to own it. Andy was an exchange student in the Alps with 9 other kids. They sold lottery tickets for some nice items that were donated to help fund the trip. I really wanted the pitcher and bought a ticket for that item. Unfortunately my ticket didn't get pulled. Andy's friend won the pitcher. That Christmas, Andy bought the pitcher from his friend and gave it to me as my gift. It is possibly my most prized possession. What a great kid I have.

Welcome to all the folks who are new here. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I hope we can all bring you some peace and healing. And my new friends, I keep you in my heart and prayers each day.

I love you forever, Andy!!!!!!!!!

With love,

Pam

[shorty16]

Lorri

What a good memory you have!

Yes, that is the exact table where Bethany sat. I was honored and humbled that Marcia took me there.

Meeting other bereaved parents is really almost a spiritual experience. Just a look, nod, or sigh says more than words ever could.

We know.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Pam, It is so good to see Andy's smiling face! You have been on my mind, I'm glad you posted this morning. How wonderful that Andy's headstone will be installed so others can see his name. A beautiful tribute to your son. I'm glad you're reading with us every day. It's okay that you don't post, no pressure there, but it was so nice to "see' you're still here.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Lorri

I listen to KLOVE too!!!

It calms me during my commute to/from work. I do not have a far commute, but the traffic can be terrible. Down-town Milwaukee.

Carol, Karen, Sussanah - I bet meeting each other was really a great experience. It was amazing to me how easy it was to hold a conversation when we were in Minn.

It is these meetings with others that keep me going. Knowing I am not alone in this nightmare.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

WWWWOOOOOWWWWW! A real gathering among the BI family. How cool is that? What a nice thing to do Carol, Ralph and Karen, to arrange to meet up with Sus and Amanda. It is fun seeing the photos and put faces to the names. I so agree with Colleen that once you get to just sit with others that you have communicated with for some time and have been brought together bythe worst loss, well, it is a spiritual gathering. Three cheers.

Pam, so good to see Andy's handsome face and to read the story of the pitcher. Very precious indeed. I am glad that you got away for some days to a place that brought you joy once and now again. That is a big step too. And to not cry for 4 days andthen to let it all out is also a step in this process, it is good, both the fact that you did not cry and the fact that it pored out of you later. All normal for this abnormal piece in our lives. We are holding your hands Hon. So glad that the tornadoes did not hurt you but the scenes here kept showing the cemetery that was badly hit...I wonder if it was the one where Andy lies. Do we know if our other NC members are okay? Sonya and someone else that is fromNC.

[lolynbo]

DEE, KODYS GREAT GRADUATING IN DAYS AND BEING A GREAT KID...DADDYS KINDA ON HIM TO FIND A JOB BUT I THINK LET HIM GRADUATE THEN GET A DANG JOB GEEZ.....KIMMY BIZZY WITH HER JOB SHE LOVES TROUBLE WITH HER MARRAGE, FOUND OUT SOME STUFF AND IS HEART BROKEN SO SHES DOING ALOT OF PRAYING...LOOKS LIKE WE WONT RACE SAT LOTS OF EARLY SPRING STORMS HERE BUT DAD DONT HAVE THE RACE CAR DONE ANYWAYS, THE CLUTCH I THINK...FINALLY GOT BROOKE A PROM DRESS...AND GOT THE CORSAGE AND BOUTNIER (SP) ORDERED...GONNA BE SO NEATO..TAKING MY CAR KODY SAYS NO LIMO (THEY HAD ONE LAST YR)... OTHER THEN THAT JUST HANGING OUT..

CARLEYS SUPPOSE TO COME BY TODAY AND GET THE ROCKER AND IM GOING TO TAKE BRINLEYS PIC OF HER IN IT I WILL POST AS SOON AS I CAN...HOPE SHE LIKES IT....HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT BRINLEY GOT TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME, AND SHE WAS SOOOOOO GOOD AND THE PREACHER ASKED WHO SHE WAS AND I TOLD HIM HOW SHE WAS AFFILIATED WITH ME/US....AND BRINLEY CLD TALK REALLY REALLY GOOD AND SHE TOLD ME SHE LOVED ME....BUT THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

FOR YAL THAT DONT NO BRINLEY IS KOURTNEYS HUSBAND BRENTS LIL DAUGHTER HE HAD A YR AGO (APRIL 25) WITH HIS NOW WIFE CARLEY..."( SO I STILL FEEL LIKE SHES KINDA PART MINE....BUT HAVE ONLY GOT TO HOLD HER ONCE AND SEE HER MAYBE 5 TIMES THIS YR...

[shorty16]

Well Friends,

It is very quiet at work today. That is good, because I can get some work done, but bad, because I want to be home with my family.

Weather is crappy (again) in Wisconsin. Rain and thunderstorms tonight. The weekend is suppose to reach a wopping 54 degrees. OH MAN heat wave!!!!

Scott and Aaron have off all next week. They want to go golfing (if the weather holds).

I already miss my friend, Marcia. She is really an awesome person. I am lucky to have met her.

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[charsng1234]

Colleen what part of Wisconsin are you from? I am from superior well did not go to work again today head still hurts just have no fight in me anymore...I hope everyone is doing better than me will check in later to read more post.. They do help me thanks.. sharon shanes mom...

[shorty16]

Sharon

I live in Menomonee Falls WI, which is in Waukesha County, just outside Milwaukee county.

Superior is up there!!!

If you ever want to come down to the Milwaukee area for Summerfest, State Fair or anything else - - You have a place to stay!!!!! I would love to meet you sometime. You would be amazed at how wonderful these meetings are between parents who have lost a child. It is really something.

Tony (Brendan's Dad) is from West Bend, about 30-35 miles North of me.

Also, it is OK you did not go to work today. Be kind to yourself. This is a journey with no instruction booklet. We muddle our way through until some light shows us the way. It takes a long time for that to happen. Please be kind to yourself - do not beat yourself up for staying home. I call them "Mental Health" days.

I took many Mental Health days in the first year after Brian's death. I feel the court process we had to endure really took a toll on my body and mind. Also, the two other boys involved in the car crash were seniors in HS and my other son Aaron was a freshman. His brother should have been a senior that year. Really tough for all of us.

We are here for you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

BRINLEYS BDAY GIFT ...GOT SOME SUGARS FROM HER

[ericasmom]

Lorri, what a lucky little girl to have you in her life. Love the chair, love her beautiful face.

thanks for sharing.

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....

so, we went to the counselor yesterday for the second time....i can't seem to quit crying....she said that is normal....yesterday was exactly the 3 month mark, today is exactly 13 weeks....i wonder, am i getting worse, or is there a measurement to worse vs. better? i don't know, having never been here before. she suggested asking my doctor if i need to change my Rx., as this can sometimes make you more down rather than a little better. she did say that there is nothing that can actually take the pain away, but there are some meds that can make you feel more depressed and some that can take the edge off.....any ideas out there....the one i am taking is celexa--20mg. i understand this is early in the process, and it may take years, but i don't know what is normal and what is abnormal....or if you can even tell. my doc is out-of-town for 3 weeks, so i can't do anything about it until later anyway. i don't care if i am crying, i just really want to be left alone to do what i feel like, or not. whatever. i am indifferent at this point and time.

i don't even know if i am making sense anymore. if not, just disregard this....if there is an answer, thanks, otherwise, i am trying to hang on. at least my husband is really being supportive and trying everyway he can. i am lucky to have the family i have, i know that....so why am i so unhappy...why do i feel so guilty...why do i feel so lonely...why can't i feel joy...i don't want to be here anymore, i don't....but i have to be here, for everyone else.....i know that...i do....i need this pain to STOP.....PLEASE MAKE IT STOP....i'm begging you to make it stop....i hate this life...it hurts.....

diane

[ericasmom]

Diane if we could make it stop we would. The pain and the 'getting worse' are all part of the normal for us all. WE get worse, the crying gets to be more for many of us during those first months, as shock leaves us, we are left empty and aching, desperate for it to feel differently, desperate for it to have been a bad dream or someone made a mistake, any scenario that gives us our child back. If we could we so would. We would make it so that this place was not even needed, but we can't. Hang on and let those tears fall, feel indifferent about things, it is the only way back to a life with some light. I was indifferent too for quite some time.

We love you,

[dwsmithrn]

thanks dee.....i'm gonna keep on keeping on, until i can finally find a reason to keep on.....

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I felt exactly the same as you at three months. Hang in there. Keep talking to us.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

When Ralph found out I wanted a picture of the "Moose Crossing" sign, he sent this picture to me...Thanks, Ralph!!

Here's a picture of us in York, by the lighthouse.

Karen, Carol and my daughter, Amanda...nice, calm picture...then, two seconds later, and we are almost blown away. My beautiful daughter,

[charsng1234]

I do not know how many weeks shane has been gone I have no mind any more my life is so different now I used to be a good wife,house keeper and paid my bills. All of that is gone I am always sick I am so tired I dont want to be in this world with this pain I do not see a light any were!!! I am sick and tired of trying its to hard dont know what to do I see 2 different people I have family and friends and I still can not pull myself up. All i think about is how easy it would be to just stop living I want to see my son again hold him hear his voice.. Shanes mom

[Guest msnher]

Hugs to you Sharon. It will be 14 weeks tomorrow for you. One breath at a time. One blink at a time. One heartbeat at a time. We can't take your sorrow, but we can stand beside you while you cry.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[zachsmom19]

I do not know how many weeks shane has been gone I have no mind any more my life is so different now I used to be a good wife,house keeper and paid my bills. All of that is gone I am always sick I am so tired I dont want to be in this world with this pain I do not see a light any were!!! I am sick and tired of trying its to hard dont know what to do I see 2 different people I have family and friends and I still can not pull myself up. All i think about is how easy it would be to just stop living I want to see my son again hold him hear his voice.. Shanes mom

I know your pain, as I lost my oldest son on Jan 17, 2009 and on that day I also lost me....I feel so numb all the time and don't know which way to go...I have a younger son but I do not have the strenght to care for him....I am a single parent, which makes it worse....every day I pray that I will not wake up that I will go to be with my son....living here on earth is so painful now....and even though I do have another child to care for, i just don't have the energy to do it...so please know you are not in this alone...

[briansdad]

More F N tornados

[dwsmithrn]

sus...thanks...as bad and as sad as i feel, i am going to make it....i have to....if my family is willing to help me and i have you all to help me and hold my hand, then i will get through, one minute at a time, then i can hold on to that thread....i just have those moments that i don't feel like i can or don't even want to, but i am going to.....and so are the rest of you.....if I CAN, the SO CAN YOU....please, all of you, help me help you help me help you....understand????? we have to be here for each other....we HAVE to....it's imperative to keep this site here for what it is....i don't know what i would do or even if i would still be here if not for you.....so, even when i feel at my darkest hour, i come here, say what i need to, then i find some kind words to get me through that moment in time....thanks all of you.....i got through this day....

diane

[crystalann]

Sharon,

I thought I was the only one who didnt know the weeks.When I read you say that I cryed but in a way it made me feel better.I feel so bad I dont know the weeks.Thank you so much for writing that.

Diane I am in the boat with you.

Love to all,Crystal

[Guest msnher]

Sleep won't come. I don't know why. I'm watching "Down the Rabbit Hole".

[kmb22]

Evening everyone,

Just woke up from a much needed nap. I used to be able to stay up all night; it sure does kick my butt now but we had such a wonderful time. As Susannah said, it felt as we’d known each other forever. The wind was crazy up there, as you could all see from the picture, but it was so nice to be by the ocean again. I foolishly forgot my camera but was able to get a couple on my phone. The first is the lighthouse. Amanda and I wanted to find a way across to get a better look but there were too many witnesses. The second is Susannah and Amanda standing out on the rocks. I wish it hadn’t been so windy but it was beautiful just the same.

I was amazed at the amount of time we spent laughing, and though the sadness was still so present, there was no guilt for the laughter. It was the first time in these past seven and a half months the guilt didn’t instantly follow. I will always smile when the word Yahoo comes across my screen, thank you Ralph. It was so nice to be among so many wonderful and loving people. It warmed my heart for the first time, in a long time…thank you all so much.

I left this afternoon and drove home the back roads; they’re always my choice when given the time and option. The back roads from there also brings me by Shawn’s house, and the accident scene. I should have avoided it…but I couldn’t. As I approached the house, the man, the driver, was outside. My foot just came off the gas and the van coasted by, I watched as he walked to the back of his house…he never turned around. I have no idea what I would have done if he had. I drove on, I probably shouldn’t have been driving at all at that point. I stopped by the cemetery then came home. In my mind I planned the next ten things I was going to do when I got home. I got here, laid down, and slept instead…maybe tomorrow.

I’ve read all the posts; I have fallen behind quite a bit. I’m so sorry for all of your pain and thankful for all of the words of hope and encouragement. Love and a peaceful rest to all of you.

[ericasmom]

Karen, so nice to see you having fun with the others. You are a pretty woman. I can see why you needed a nap, and I am glad that you let yourself have one. What a fun time.

I know that the laughter shared between those in grief is surprising and wonderful and there is no guilt there because you are with those who also know.

Sus, so glad that you had this time with the Karen and Carol and Ralph, and especially with Amanda. How is she doing now and what are the doctors saying?

Newbie, I am sorry that you find yourself here and happy that you found us all in one. It is here that you might find your strength again for the life that lies ahead of you and for your younger Son. Tell us about your Boy and what his life was like. How have you been getting on since then? How old is your Son at home?

Sharon, hang tight, Shane would dearly want you to stay here and live this life knowing that you are supposed to be here.

Goodnight Everyone, sleep deeply and have lovely dreams.

Betty, just a shout out-

[mikesmum]

Easter Saturday here. Easter like many 'family' days has lost much of its sheen. It has alot to do with the kids growing, but more so the 'EB' who took great pains to 'plant' the eggs for the Egg hunt. Yes Micheal Shane, the man/child would get up early planning the hunt then 'waking' the grandies and directing them around to find their treasures.

I on the other hand don't need to hunt for eggs, I seem to have an abundance all round the house planted by a befuddled husband who I guess would love to see me 'happy' around these times.

I am so envious of those of you who have 'met' up in Maine & Mexico. I remember how amazing MN was for me. Not just travelling half way around the world, but the instant connection with Colleen, Marcia, Carol, Bonnie and Dee. Even with my accent(lol) it was like we had known each other forever.

Karen - The trip home was something I think you found the strength to do after being with your BI family. The sleep, well that is something you obviously needed and you were finally able to allow yourself to do.

Hope all Indigo's find a memory to hold that will warm not wound, that the easter bunny is good to you all. Oh yeah if anyone tells you that the Easter Bunny poops jelly beans, its only in the movies.

To those of a greater faith, may Easter Sunday be a day of rejoicing and celebrating for you and yours.

More later when I 'revise' my assignment so that it may be more platable for the Professors.......

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I hope that your assignment garners the grade it will deserve as you put even more energy into it. What I had to remind myself when I was working on my degree work, it is the process more than the final outcome...the processes in life are the important thing, the learning more than the final-however- many -pages -spell- checked-and- cited production. It is that knowledge you attain as you read the amazing studies, the examples of which will sit in your memory adding to the already volumous cabinet of a brain you have. It is the process of all things that allow us growth in all situations. Think of a baby learning how to stand. That process takes over all energy that baby has, she lives to learn that next thing, how to swing a hip over and tuck a leg under her bottom and then how to push up on that leg and hoist the body into a standing position.HOOORAY she did it, uh-oh, how to get back down? Each connecting to the next learned thing, each process allowing the next and the next and on through life like this. We are all in the process of learnign how to do life, how to live in grief, how to find a ray of sunlight in the very darkest of times and those of us here for a while will agree, it is a process worth believing in.

Love to all, happy Easter weekend

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I was able to get 8 hours of sleep when I finally drifted off. Hurray.

Karen - I held my breath as I read that you drove past the accident site, slowing down as the man walked to the back of his house. I can understand why you liked "Down the Rabbit Hole". It shows this journey very well. The way she followed the boy who hit her son and grew close to him. The different ways men and women grieve. No. The different ways husband and wives grieve. I don't think that it's about gender. Nicole Kidman is certainly an excellent actress!

Trudi - I hope we are able to plan a BI get together so more of us can connect face to face.

Dee - When someone asks how Amanda is my crass answer has been "She didn't die". I didn't take time to consider how others might be affected by that statement. The boldness of it. The cold way it sounds. Last night I tried to think of a different response but I don't have one. She is not okay. She is not fine. She is in pain. And, she is wonderful! She is funny. She is smart. I'm afraid to say she's well because she isn't. I'm afraid to say she's still a mess but she didn't die and we're going to lunch now because it sounds so odd. So, I've been saying she didn't die or she's not dead. She has fallen inlove with Karen and Carol and Ralph. I am so glad for that.

You said hello to a Newbie...I must have missed their post. I'll search for it.

Tony - Watching Down the Rabbit Hole might be something you and your wife would find helpful. Maybe. Maybe not.

I already feel a little sad about leaving tomorrow. I've enjoyed my stay immensly. I needed it. And, Amanda needed it. To get to be with Carol and Karen (and Ralph) was also wonderful.

Love to all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Meeting Susannah and Amanda and Karen was indeed joyous and also spiritual...the feelings we shared, the love and the memories, all came together, just as if we'd been in each other's lives forever...I didn't get to spend the night with Sus, Karen and Amanda,---I had to go to evening Holy Thursday services and didn't want to drive back out there, as I don't like driving in the dark by myself anymore...so I went back out in the morning. We all had a wonderful time meeting at Warrens on Thursday, driving to the lighthouse (we all went together in our van), then out to the beach for a bit, and then the next day (Ralph stayed home with Damon) we went to lunch (Karen,I will beat you to that check next time!) and went back to the room and gabbed and laughed and talked of more somber things, yet the laughter continued as the sharing continued. Meeting Susannah, and Karen, and Amanda was such a gift. Susannah is right on...Amanda is wonderful, funny, smart, and she is in pain (though one would not know she is in pain by her demeanor...she holds all of that to herself). She is also brave; so cute, and a room brightener. And she truly loves her mom. Thank you, Susannah, for sharing Amanda with us; thank you Amanda for spending time with us. And thank you, Karen, for driving up here; I am so glad you were there, too. By the way, the reason Karen said she will think of Ralph whenever she sees Yahoo on the screen, is because he has this weird habit of singing "Yahooooo" when he is driving...every now and then, when it's quiet in the car, out the blue, you will hear, "Yaaahooooo!" coming from the driver's seat...not loud, just like it was part of the conversation...weird, but endearing. Kind of like he's letting everyone know he is still awake!

Lorri: I loved the pics of Brinley and her new chair...she is just adorable! Thanks for sharing.

Greg: I hope all are safe and the tornados blow themselves out soon.

Dan: Thanks for sharing the tats, and for sharing Nick's words.

Dee: I loved your telling of the "processes" we go through in life, and yes, indeed, this journey is a process, with much learning involved. Glad you got to have that wonderful dinner with Shannon and Jon...how sweet of her to bring supper!

Diane: You wrote: "so why am i so unhappy...why do i feel so guilty...why do i feel so lonely...why can't i feel joy..." You've lost a huge part of you...your beautiful son, and all of those things...unhappy, guilty, lonely, joyless, are part of this journey...I wish so much that we could take them away from you, wish so much that you didn't have to feel them...but I am so happy to hear that you realize this and that you know you are NEEDED here, that those who love you are counting on you to be here for them...as unfair as it is, as painful as it is, your family needs you to be here for them. And WE are here for YOU. Always. Sending love and strength, wishing I could just wrap my arms around you and hold you...but please know that I hold you close in my heart.

Trudi: I am so sorry that these holidays still hold us hostage to our memories of sweeter ones in the past, but I am also glad that your "befuddled husband" is trying to comfort you in the only way he knows how. The "shine" will always be dimmer, will likely never hold the joy as before, but those who have been on this journey longer have come to know that being able to see what IS there can help us to somehow work our way around those scars in our heart, to find what joy IS there now, and to share it with our loved ones, as we hold close in our hearts the memories of "before." To all those new here, this is a hard lesson to learn, and it will come only in its right time for each of us, but it WILL come, it will...the love we have for our angels will carry us through to that understanding, to that day. Happy Easter day to you, also, dear friend, and may your precious Micheal smile at you from each hiding place that Mal has used....helping to carry forward those traditions put into place by a loving, caring and beautiful son, Uncle, brother.

Sharon: "I used to be a good wife, housekeeper, paid my bills..." that is a sentiment expressed by ALL of us...I had a stack of bills a foot high before I finally went through them...I finally had to set up my bills on the computer, to be paid automatically...and it even took quite a while before I could do that...I just kept sending out checks automatically, never opening anything...I still haven't gotten back into that groove completely...though it is better than it has been. As for the house, if company comes, it is picked up, but other than that, I still struggle through the mundane everyday things...now and then I go into my "whirling dirvish" mode and chase the cobwebs and swipe at what's collected on the floors. I have gotten so that I accept that it will never be the same...and I just take it one day at a time. Acceptance was a long time coming.

Samantha: (Zachsmom) I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son. You have come to a place of understanding, a place where you can talk about your son, share him with us when you are ready, and find comfort for your broken heart. Please come back and share your memories...we are always here. I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31, to brain cancer, in October of 2006... a lifetime ago, and yet just a few moments ago, all in one. BI and the people here have helped me maintain my sanity, hold onto my memories without letting them rip me apart, and given me the opportunity to share my son's life with people who truly understand and care to listen and remember with me.

I have much to do, Indigos, to get ready for tomorrow...there won't be a lot of us here, but those who will be deserve to know the peace and joy of Easter spent with family, so I must get busy. And, remember, as Trudi so graciously said, "the Easter bunny only poops jelly beans in the movies."

I too hope you all will find a memory that will not wound, and that the Easter bunny is good to you, and those who feel their faith will find comfort in the reminders of our belief that God is with us, always.

I have some pics I want to share, but have to scan them. Will do this later. Love to all of my indigo family...

[westleysmom]

Susannah and Karen and Carol-I'm so glad you all had a good visit and I loved the pictures.

Just trying to get through Easter is all I can do today and tomorrow. So many memories, and so much sadness. Its hard to keep the mask on for everyone else and very draining. Got a letter from CJ yesterday and he told me to not blame myself, that Westley wouldn't want me to do that. It made me cry as most of his letters do before I finish them. On my way to what may be the last visit before he gets out. I hope it works out that way. He is a good boy at heart and has made bad choices, but haven't we all? I hope that Easter is kind to you all and you can find a memory that makes you smile. Love to you all my friends.

[ericasmom]

Greg are you okay with the storms that swept in yesterday?

We are holding you Rhonda, You will make it through tomorrow and all it used to hold for you. I love that CJ wrote you and told you that you should not hold yourself responsible. Wonderful letter to recieve from a Boy who knows Westley well.

Carol, have a pretty day tomorrow in all you share with your loved ones. May the preparations evoke both the beauty from the days when your Children were little and the hope that exists in your family now, the renewal and change that Mike must be smiling on.

We are weeding and working in the garden some, the BULLS are on soon so John will be with them and I will stay out as long as the weather provides dry warmish winds. It feels so good to be outside after so many cold and gloomy wet days. Jonathan just stopped in to say hey, seeing us outside, always makes my whole self smile when he drops in. Was out with my nieces and sisters again last night, this time for my old birthday, was 55 last week. So we had many laughs and felt the PINK Girl in our presence especially when the waiter was bringing me my order and out of nowhere, his hand went up, the tuscan salad went over adn laid at my side, not a touch on me, but just next to me. Lord knows we laughed, and I pictured ERz right there, having been in the waiter's way. I made sure the embarrassed waiter understood that I dropped many a meal when I waited tables, not to worry.

Happy earth day...

LOVE YOU ERI-Girl and miss you very much.

[daveydow1]

HI to all INDIGOS.........I've been away for a few days.......can't catch up, so I'll start here.

Samantha....Zachsmom.......I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Zach. This site is a very good one to come

to, and everyone here knows the heartbreak and sorrow you have from your loss. Please come back and

read/post when you feel you are able. Peace be with you.

To all who have been in danger of the storms/tornadoes......you are in my thoughts, and I pray for your safety.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[charsng1234]

thanks all for the support I went to a baby shower today was ok just so mad today I am feeling it in the pit of my gut.. I just am so sad I do not know what to do with all this crap in my mind and body. I yell at my husband for everything he put a new roof on our house and all I can do is complain on the house how I can not get it clean because the mess he and his friend did by fixing up the house. What is wrong with me why do I hurt him?? He is so good to me its like the words come out and I know its to late to fix what I just said. i can not help were my thoughts take me its always about just not living anymore. I say hey you made it another day and that kills me another day farther away from my son, I just feel like I will never get over this pain. shanes mom..

[daveydow1]

Greg------Sorry I missed Brian's birthday......I've been away. Sorry if I missed anyone else.

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN, .......BRIAN.

[Guest msnher]

Just checking in. I fly home tomorrow.

We had the money to pay the bills, I just couldn't open the damn envelopes...let alone write a check and address another envelope.

Peace to all of you...and...hope...I send you a piece of hope.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom (and hugs from Amanda!)