Loss of an Adult Child

[mysonrich]

double

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - Just a nod. Yep.

The sad thing about Tina going to prison is her kids. The state gave them back to her and today they were jerked back into foster care. For them, my heart breaks. Tina is where she should be.

[summergirl]

Hello My Dear BI Friends....been a few days but need to stop in and say hello. Things have been very hectic around our house with Tavian in Little League....it seems if there isn't a game then there is practice on top of school, work and every other daily things that need to be done.

Tony - I wanted to let you know that I take Lexapro - it simply "evens you out", it does not make you dopey or anything, just calms the nerves.....after we lost Jessica I needed something so that is what was prescribed....I still take it once a day. As for having another child I do not know what to say.....my husband and I were living alone as Jessica had her own apartment with Tavian (he was 4 when she left us) so we were weekend grandparents and loved every minute of it and then in the blink of an eye we bacame grandparents / parents....I will say that Tavian has been my little savior many times over and he gave me a reason to keep breathing....he had lost his mommy I was not about to let him lose me too.....it is not an easy road by any means and Tavian does not replace our Jessica as some "stupid people" think - a lost child cannot be replaced but the pure love, the trusting, the hugs, the tears, the laughter that Tavian has is a huge part of Jessica and in some ways that gives me a bit of peace.... As for the move, I am not sure on that either......if you cannot and do not talk to your neighbors then I cannot imagine it being easy living there. You said it was an accident so I did not know that you were angry at the neighbors so I apologize.....I have to wonder how they must feel though, I can imagine that it must be very diffacult for them... although I can assume the guilt they have must be terrible, however no where near the pain you are enduring, nothing can touch the pain of losing a child...I am not saying that you should forgive them or anything so please do not misunderstand me... I probably did not help you at all but I am thinking of you and praying for you and your family.

To EVERY ONE ELSE.....I miss you all sooooooo much, always in my heart and prayers....strength and peace, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Well I finally caved in and went to a doctor. I didn't have much choice. My parents and wife decided it was time for me to do something. After the morning I had today I think I agreed with them. He put me on a drug called Lexapro. I hope it helps a little bit and doesn't make me forget how to feel anything.

Thinking of you all

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[Tony - It took sometime before I 'caved'. For the first 3 months after Mike died I went the 'herbal remedy' route. I felt that this together with 'time' would see me through. As the days rolled into weeks I found the 'abyss' taking me further down. I had always been a strong women, a Steele Magnolia of sorts and taking anti-depressants wasn't something that I thought I would ever do. But in that first year I did. Lexapro was the prescribed drug. It didn't make me numb, it didn't ease the ache, it didn't bring back Mike. What it did was slow my racing brain and afforded me the buffer to give in to the exhaustion that overwhelmed me. It was like a respite.

Four years on and now I take Vitamin B complex. I took the advice of a wiser woman and began drinking water, eating (where I can) healthier things. I walk, talk to Mike out loud and as strange as it seems I bought a puppy. Muttley is my Emotional Support Puppy. He gets it without explanation.

I found this journey harder than anything I have ever experienced. It really isn't something you can 'manage' on your own, at least that's my experience.

Greg - Never tire of seeing that boys face, not to mention the fish! Are you going to the Bereaved Parents of America gathering this year?

Betty - I can see myself there...love your pics...love the area....something about country.

To all, like many here I read daily, post when I am able. Currently in Healesville away from the bay. Think superman and kryptonite......

Take Care

[ericasmom]

Betsy, love the conversation with the little boy/man. The innocence stolen by the grown-up information and loss of his big brother, but his answer of 6 but one is missing is perfect. I always say it, Kids are the smartest humans in the world. They process and verbalize so much better than we adults. Nice of you to share with him about Rich. A dear communion.

Rhonda, I did not get too many places with ERi and Jon either, though she went more places with her Dad after we divorced. She also went to Costa Rica with her school during the summer between junior and senior year. That is when she began to dread her hair. She and Sus wanted to go to California to do that kind of work, so many kids think that they could go to California to carve out a perfect life. keep in mind they were 19 and while a lovely idea, very out of touch with the reality of cost and what it takes to do such things, but I did not care at that point because she was making decisions and choices for her life.

I am listening to Paul Simon singing El Condor Pase' remembering that I first heard it in 8th grade, 1969. I sing it to myself at least once a week as I walk in the morning; I'd rather be a forest than a street, yes I would, if I could, I surely would, I'd rather feel the earth beneath my feet....Love his new album, do you believe that he is almost 70? Crap! That means I am way older than I used to be when I began listening to him, and yet, his music remains some of the most beautiful and powerful ever, and I still cry when I hear certain songs as I always have...the amazing power and magic of music.

Kath, good to see you tonight, good to also see all the positive reactions to medicine.

[ericasmom]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuG35Tbrtbw

for your listening pleasure.

[Guest msnher]

Before drugs it was like extreme heat or cold on an open cavity.....after drugs it was more room temperature.

[ericasmom]

Goodnight Gang,

. Those of you feeling the absolute fear of time forward adn time backwards, tiny steps and breathe deeply, know that we are really with you and that we get it. And really breathe deeply, cleansing your body of some tension but also you realize how when anxious we often use shallow breathing which lends itself to panic more easily.

hope the winds are calm and the sleep is deep for everyone at BI.

Rhonda, hope the storms tomorrow are not too bad, we are supposed to get some tomorrow afternoon as well.

Peace out,

dee

[crystalann]

I am so thankful I found this place.I dont know what I would do without you.This is where I come first thing in the morning and the last place at night.I cry and smile with your stories. Your words of wisdom are my lifeline. I have not gone on anti-depre but they have been suggested.I have been on ativan for a year now for pvc's in the heart they say is stress and anxiety havent got total control of that and am scared to change meds but they did up my dose of ativan.I find myself trying to be as upbeat as I can for everyone else and have also started shopping to get my mind off of everything.I end up getting home sometimes thinking why did I buy that crap,but it helps while I am doing it. I have talked to the DA and they offered this kid a deal of murder one with a special weapons charge. He said he would call back when he took it or not.Lucy and my stepdad got served to appear in court on May 12 so I dont know what is going on.I am so afraid my stepdad is going to do something if he sees this kid in court.He knew this kid he asked him how he was doing an hour before this kid went to rob his house.I dont know how to tell the others they have to be calm in court this will be the first time we have ever seen him.At this point nothing will bring Tyler back and thats all I Want right now.Thanks for listening!LOVE TO YOU ALL, Crystal

[charsng1234]

I need input I was at work today crying and talking about shane, within the hour a woman walks in and tells me they are co signing on a car loan for their son She circled the sons name it was Shane than on the application his name was shane T was the middle inital. My sons name was shane taylor do you think it was a sign from my son tomorrow is his 3 month mark. today 3 months ago was the last time I saw him. I am heading to bed so tired hope all sleep as best as they can.. shanes mom sharon

[mikesmum]

I need input I was at work today crying and talking about shane, within the hour a woman walks in and tells me they are co signing on a car loan for their son She circled the sons name it was Shane than on the application his name was shane T was the middle inital. My sons name was shane taylor do you think it was a sign from my son tomorrow is his 3 month mark. today 3 months ago was the last time I saw him. I am heading to bed so tired hope all sleep as best as they can.. shanes mom sharon

Sharon - I'm a believer in signs. Used to be a skeptic but then there are some that you just can't ignore. Mike used to be the go to guy for anything IT, downloads, music, videos etc. I was IT illiterate. After he died I tried to add music to his memorial site. No luck. Even with my daughter talking me through I couldn't do it. About 3am I gave up...Shut down the computer, snoozed and when I opened his site, there was the track I was trying to locate. There was no 'pathway' no entry in my 'library' or playlist. It was Mike..

We all look for a sign, something specific that would let us know. Seeing Shane, T on the application for me its an 'I'm okay'.

Hope you sleep the sleep of the innocent, waking to see a brighter day....

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

I typed a post, hit the backspace key, and lost everything. So, I'll just wave and talk to you all later.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

I'm baaaaack.....

Sharon - I believe in signs. Shane's letting you know he's still around. Hold onto it.

Crystal (Tyler's mom) - This is the first and last place I visit each day, too. I'm sure the powers that be will keep a guarded watch on all the family's reaction in the courtroom. I was the one they were all worried about when we went to court. The DA, Family Services, our attorney and the victim witness coordinator all reminded me of the need to stay calm. They were all close by me at all times. Only once was I ready to go across the room at Tina, but my attention was diverted by the lead investigators eyes booring into me telling me to look at her. It's kind of comical now that I think about it. The testimony we were listening to was difficult to hear, my reaction must have been obvious because our attorney reached over and took one hand and Gary took the other and the investigator was sitting forward on her chair, motioning with her fingers for me to look at her. I mouthed "NO!" and returned my glare to Tina. They later told me they were a little worried I was going to jump across the room and strangle her. I kept thinking, "Look at me Bitch!" But she never did. Not once during the whole process. I didn't meant to get on my experience. Sheese, I've had a lot of experiences! Anyway, they're pretty good at trying to keep everyone away from each other and keeping the "peace". The judge did have to tell me "enough" once....and then told the defense attorney to change her line of questioning. I basically asked her if she was an idiot in response to a question she asked me...not in those exact words.

Made a good chili last night. It's called a soup, but it's more a chili. Very mild. Stuffed green pepper soup. Yummy!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos.....i made it through yesterday....i was anxious about going to couseling, but we did it together and i think it was ok...we are going back next week...my husband was great...he said he learned alot, mostly about me and what i am going through....he said it helped him understand my grief better. he also said, he will be by my side no matter how long it takes and do whatever i need no matter what it is....he hugged me and looked at me with those loving eyes, through tears, from both of us....couldn't love him more at this moment. HE GETS IT!!!! he said i am not nearly ready to go back to work and we will take that week by week, that i am not to worry about that, let him worry about that part of it. he said the only thing i am to do is grieve the way i need to....the lady counselor was helpful and said alot of things to both of us that i think mostly, for this first session, just gave us some understanding of what and why we feel like we do....she said there is alot to work on, but we were going to take it slow....because, this is the worst type of grief a person has to go through and it is a slow and painful process that one never gets over, but eventually, we will learn 'how' to live our lives again, even though we will be changed....she seemed very sincere and understanding.....we did alot of crying and she was very sweet. i won't be quite as anxious next time.

it is still hard, but i think it helps jim more than me.....he just needs to know that one day he will get his wife back, and also, that i am not abnormal, that what i am doing, going through is normal, and that was what he got out of it. bless his heart. he is trying so hard to love me like this, and doing a damn good job.

i think next week we are going to talk about all my guilt and see if she can help me get that turned around...that's tough one....don't know how to do that...

i'm nate's mom.....there is always going to be guilt....also, the guilt for not being able to be 'mom' and 'wife' again yet....or even a 'nurse' again....all these things weigh heavy on my mind.....

this thing is not only "NOT FUN", but it really "SUCKS" big time......

tony, i sure hope the Rx helps you.....i have found that the celexa has helped me somewhat. i have been able to at least get in the car now...you have to know, that was impossible just 3-4 weeks ago....now, i still have to have someone go with me, but at least i can get in the car without crying. last time my hubby took me to the grocery store, i did not cry in the store....that was a major feat. i do not feel like a zombie....i just feel a liuttle more calmed down....oh yeah, i still cry, that's a given, but i feel i am in a little more control....

hope you all have a good weeked.....i rad all of your posts, just don't remember who to respond to right now....i was a bit behind and i did not sleep well...getting shingles....and they HURT...so sleepless on top of pain on top of grief is not a good combo.....

later...diane

[Crystal16]

Good morning all,

I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and praying you experience some peace during the day. May your child send you signs letting you know they are right by your side.

<HUGS>

[ModKonnie]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuG35Tbrtbw

for your listening pleasure.

Dee--I love Simon and Garfunkel. Thanks for the video.

ModKonnie

[ericasmom]

Sharon, I too believe in signs, I do believe that Shane was directing this encounter so that he could let you know that he is with you, he loves you. I hope that the day is softer now, knowing that sense of him with you.

Diane, I am so glad that you are less anxious now having met this counselor. She sounds great, very empathetic and realistic, saying that it is a long process, and that we are changed forever but to learn to live again...this is what I truly believe, that we do learn to live again when we work through the guilt and the anger and start fitting the rough edges of the pieces of our hearts back together...a puzzle of sorts, how does one's heart fit back together with a gaping hole? It will, and while the hole will remain, a place of honor for the fallen, it will hold more good than bad after some time. IF we never loved so dearly, we could not hurt like this, and while nobody ever should hurt like this, we would not trade the years of knowing and nurturing the one who is gone in order to not feel this.

[Guest msnher]

This morning I watched a robin add to its nest. There must already be eggs in it, I think it was a male sitting on the eggs. He looked all around and then flew off to pick up just the right piece of weed to add to the nest. Sat for a minute longer and flew quite aways to pick up another needed treasure. Quite interesting, really. They have built their nest on a ledge under our redneck patio. They do every year. Last year the babies all did quite well.

There is an oil sheen in our river. Amoco refinery used to be there and they closed it up and built a golf course on it. Nice golf course...right next to the river...the oil is apparently seeping out under ground. To borrow Trudi's phrase...DUMBASSES

Diane - I'm glad your counseling session went well. Your hubby sounds like a real keeper...just like mine.

Well, I came out of the closet in our conservative, republican state and family...and announced I am in favor of gay rights. Said I was coming out of the closet and a friend said I should have thought of that before I got married. So funny...we'll see if the gossip now says I'm gay. Not that I'm that important, but it's funny how gossip spreads. I added that I was also pro choice and in favor of gun control...why not just get it all out there at once.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Sharon I agree Shane was defiantly sending you signs He is with you always Just keep on showing up and stay on the look out

Crystal Tylermom I too come here in the AM and laste at night It really does help make iot thru the day. Thanks for your update and please be gentle with yourself. These days at hard.

Diane I am glad that your session was successful and you felt safe with the councilor I agree Hubby is a keeper I hope today you find a few moments of peace.

Betsy Thanks for checking in!! Such a sweet story about the little boy and "One Missing" The" Nod " and eye contact says it all doesn't it? Glad Sarah has decided to come to the City She is right you are only a train ride away and maybe we can see each other and have a"Bagel"

Sus Glad to hear the news of the Children's perp being in jail. Life is interesting to watch unfold, Glad to hear you had the courage to share your beliefs-- Takes courage sometimes

Trudi How wonderful to see Sir Mutley visiting I missed him and you

Tony Praying for your peace especially today

The news here in NY has been very upsetting theses past few days . A 24 year old mom with 4 little children had a fight with her boyfriend and huddled all her children into the car and drove into the river. Her 10 year old boy climbed out a window before the car sank and ran for help.It was too late. I feel so sad that someone was so desperate that they not only take their own life but that there her sweet precious children. She could not feel how precious and wonderful the gifts that she had in her reach

Have to run Indigos and as Crystal and Dee always urge I hope we all find a measure of joy and light today

[Crystal Rogerson]

I'm so scattered today. My mind is racing. My husband left for work again and will be gone another 4weeks. I'm stressed about taxes. OMG I thought I was going to throw up when they told us how much we owed. Puts us in a temporary pinch but still stressful. My mind is all over the place. There is so much I want to talk to you all about but can't focus on one thought long enough to get anything out. I didn't sleep AT ALL last night so I feel foggy and anxious. I hate being at work on these days. TGIF. Sus: Love the fact that you "came out of the closet" . That was too funny what your friend said. I too feel the way you do about gay rights, pro choice, but we differ on gun control. I think that the government has too much control over too many things. People have always said, "you shouldn't talk about religion or politics in mixed company. I feel that THAT is the absolute correct place to talk about it. Get a feel for how your neighbors think. Have rational discussions about different view points. But that is just me. Don't know that this is the proper place to have said all that but I'm proud of myself for being able to focus for a minute. I feel like the dog in the movie, "Up". Someone says squirrel and he's total derailed. I'm rambling, I know and I do apologize. I am axiously awaiting new posts to hold my mind still even for a brief moment. I hope you all have a great day. You are all in my thoughts.

Love& Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[ericasmom]

Betty, the news out of NY makes me sad, I have been following it here in Chicago. So very sad, I guess she felt that if she needed to go, they did too which obviously proves her mind was not working in a rational way. Poor woman to be that distraught, and poor beautiful babies. How about how will that 10 year old live now? what will he see when he shuts his eyes.

Also, the news along that stretch of beach on Long Island...a crazy sadist working to eliminate women he disrespects.

HEY WORLD! Please see that nobody deserves to be killed because you are ill.

[lolynbo]

AS WE ALL NO...WE ALL SURVIVED SOME HOW THE STORMS IN LIFE...AND WE HAD "STORMS" HERE LAST NIGHT IN OKLAHOMA...WERE FINE CARS GOT DAMAGED BUT THERE JUST CARS...WANTED TO SHARE A SONG FROM CASTING CROWNS WITH YAL

Praise You in This Storm

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

[ericasmom]

Lorri, so glad that you are fine, I saw the news this morning and worried about you. Is that town that was so deeply affected near you?

My friend Kris' baby is doing better right now, stomach tube has been removed and he drank some pedalite and so the day is looking brighter.

Keep those prayers coming,

[lolynbo]

YES DEE...KOURTNEYS DAD LIVES VERY CLOSE TO IT...IT IS PROB 30 TO 40 MILES FROM US AND 20 FROM HIM.....AROUND HERE THIS IS WHAT WE GET TORNADOS...BUT YOUR ALWAYS IN AWE OF THE DISTRUCTION

[crystalann]

Kortney's mama, I have those last few lines on my calender this month. I sure miss Oklahoma I was born in Tulsa.My Mom and Dad were born in Wagoner.Thats where I lived till I was 11. Beautiful thanks Crystal

[Guest msnher]

My heart breaks for that 10 yr old little boy. He has a hard road of recovery ahead of him. The fight to live was automatic and decisive. There is a huge lesson in his courage. I've inquired long and hard about the plight of the people who commit such acts. I don't believe in the traditional teaching of the christian hell; according to them if she knew Jesus she would be saved anyway...so, maybe I do believe in it, somewhat. I don't like the word "saved". Makes me roll my eyes. I believe in accountability. I also believe she and her three children were received with gentle, loving acceptance. I believe she "woke" to that side of life with the same regret and panic in which she left this side...knowing she had really screwed up. The wisdom on "that" side will allow her to mourn and grieve her mistake and they will love her through it. As for her children, they left this earth with confusion and fear, while the confusion may have gone with them (WTF?) the fear did not. The fear was nonexistent as soon as their spirits left their bodies. The 10 yr old has the real struggle ahead of him. His mother is trying with all her might to tell him how sorry she is, but it's not getting through. She will suffer and walk beside him until they are joined together again. It's all SO sad. I can see her sobbing and screaming how sorry she is.

Dee - You're in Chicago proper? I have a three hour delay in Chicago on Monday the second. I wonder if you can leave the airport during a layover??? I would love to be able to grab a hug from you! I bet you're in school...but, I would love it!

Lorri - Glad you're safe!

Meg - I am the worst one about talking about politics and religion. I usually stir the pot and walk away. My husband and son (and most of my friends) will preach Jesus to you and then shoot you if you try to take their guns. (again, the roll of the eyes) I don't like them. Guns, not my son and husband - I love them. But, I don't like guns. Period. I know how to use them. I'm a good shot but I don't think I could ever use one against another human being. A loaded gun in the house has never made me feel safer, just more afraid.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

AHHH IM IN ARDMORE...RIGHT BETWEEN DALLAS AND OK CITY OFF HWY 35...BEEN HERE FOR GOSH 22 YRS LOVE IT....MY KIDS GREW UP HERE AND AS YOU NO KOURTNEYS BURIED HERE AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE...IF YOU EVER COME BACK TO VISIT YOU NO WHERE I AM...

[Guest msnher]

I'm so dense. The flight is three hours. The layover is less than two in Chicago.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I woke up today in such a bad depressed state of mind. Wow, it just came out of no where, major tears and heartache! It's kinda strange how it can happen that way. Usually when I wake up like this, I'm okay once I'm up and doing things. Especially... when I have to get ready and go to work. But today is very different from most, I just can't stop crying. I think part of it is I need to call the Detective about Vanessa's case. I've been waiting for him to call me, but to much time is passing. I'm getting antsy waiting for the word as to whether or not they are going to pursue Vanessa's boyfriend in her death. I guess it's time for my 10 steps backwards!

I feel so SAD about the story of the mom and her children. I wish her other children could have been spared from such a horrible death. I don't know how God allows these things to happen. The poor 10 y/o, how will he ever recover from such a tragic event.

Crystal (Tyler's mom), I also come here morning and night. Reading what everyone has to say, getting everyones points of view on questions and just knowing everyone here gets it! This is the only thing getting me through my despair. I look forward to reading new posts everyday. I just wish I had time and a working brain to respond to everyones posts.

Lorri, I love the words to the song, Praise You in This Storm.

Sharon, I to feel it was a sign from Shane.

Tony, I hope your doing okay today. I'm not on any medications, but feel strongly that if the right Drug is prescribed, it will definitely help you.

Diane, I'm glad you had such a positive experience with the counselor. My Husband and I are starting therapy next Tuesday.

Betty, I always enjoy reading what you have to say to everyone.

Betsy, I loved the picture of your Old Barn. It reminded me of my childhood.

Susannah, I love your point of view on everything you say.

Dee, You have such a way with words, you are an inspiration and a bright light to me.

To everyone, including Rhonda, Leah, Crystal (Megs Mom), Crystal (Ashlee's Mom), Karen, Carol, Sherry, Coleen, Amy, Trudi and anybody I missed. I'm wishing you all Serenity, Hope and Love! Thank you to all of you that make this a comfortable place to come.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Well I took the new medication last night for the first time. Today I felt very nervous and jittery and had no appetite. I think that will be normal for the first week. I went to get a couple tattoos today. I put Brendan's signature down my left arm because he was left handed. Basically its like having his autograph on my arm. Jackson can't right his name very well yet so I just had his name written on my right arm. Not his autograph though. The lady that gave my tattoos was amazing. She lost her 19 year old daughter in 2008. It is amazing that I went to her for my tattoo and she has endured the same pain we have.

Well, I am exhausted. I just wanted to check in and say hi. I wish I could offer more support for people. Right now I am just trying to finish out another day. I get to play softball again tomorrow if it is not raining. Hopefully Brendan will be at my side again.

Thinking and praying for all of you.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[aim630]

I too read the story of the mother in NY and was very sad for the 10 yo boy. He is going to have a long, tough road and he is so young now. Hopefully his remaining family will be strong and help him deal with this.

Lori-The bad days will come just out of nowhere. Eventually there will be less days like that, but every now & then one will sneak up and blindside you. I hope you get some answers soon.

Diane-I'm glad you found some understanding at the counselor's today. I'm glad some roads of communication got opened between you and your husband, and that you have been able to get out of the house a little more. Baby steps.

Lorri-Glad you are all ok after the storms last night. I used to be terrified of tornados, but as I have lived 43 years and have never experienced one up to this point, I have calmed down a little bit. We don't get as many tornados around here as you do.

Dee-Good news that the baby's health is improving. Scary time for the parents.

Susannah-I always love hearing your point of view. You always have good food for thought and quite often make me laugh also!

Crystal (Meg's mom)-I hear you about the taxes. We had to file early because of the FAFSA for Katie. I just don't get why we have to pay so much (federal, state AND local). I have changed my withholding yet again, so that we at least break even next year. I'm glad you found us and hope you receive some comfort from the others here.

Trudi, Karen, Rhonda, Betty, Betsy, Carol, Leah, Sherry, Colleen, all Crystal's, and anyone I missed (forgive me): Thinking of you all & glad we are able to come here and share everything.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

Tony-You posted at the same time I did. My husband was taking Lexapro & it seemed to help him, until he decided to just quit taking it. I told him not to just stop, but he won't listen to me. He's been quite touchy & cranky since he quit taking it, so I know it helped him. I hope you are able to function a little better. Good luck at softball tomorrow. Brendan's spirit will be there cheering you on. I like the idea of you getting Brendan's name tattooed on your arm. I am too afraid to get a tattoo, but Ashley's best friend tattooed Ashley's name on her arm. It is a white tattoo, and looks really nice. I know what you mean about meeting other people at random who have lost children. I was talking to my young co-worker who just started & told her about Ashley. She said her cousin had died 2 years ago & her aunt was having such a hard time functioning. She said she quit her job & does not leave the house often. This is such a long & terrible road we are all on. Hopefully we can help each other get through it day by day.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[lolynbo]

AS YOU ALL KNOW KOURTNEYS HUBBY IS REMARRIED AND THEY HAVE A LIL GIRL BRINLEY...WELL HER 1ST BDAY IS COMING UP APRIL 25TH...THIS IS WHAT I BOUGHT HER A COLLECTORS ROCKER CALLED "PRINCESS AND THE PEA"...UNDER THE CUSHION IS A GREEN PEA...YES I SPENT WAYYYYYYY TO MUCH BUT IM BUYING FOR MY HALF OF WHAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MY GRANDDAUGHTER...

[daveydow1]

Tony----I believe that your asking yourself "what could I have done" ? .....is one that nearly every parent who

loses a child asks themselves at one point or another. We feel that we are their protectors, and that there

was something that we could have done.......when in fact......there was nothing we could have done....or

we most certainly would have. I was on Lexopro for a few years after my son, Dave, was killed in the terrible

highway crash. I, also, found that it helped to stabalize me, with no side effects. I am not on it now. At the

time I was prescribed Lexopro, my Dr. said that it was one of the antidepressants that had few side effects.

Good luck with it.

Diane----I think that you are taking good steps.......changind the beds and bathing the dog. As I said ...

they may seem like baby steps, but they are, indeed, large steps on this rough road. I hope that the

counceling sessions will go well. Sometimes it just takes a couple of times to then feel more comfortable.

I'm sorry about your disturbing dreams. Dreams can be so confusing. I pray that you will soon have some

nicer dreams of dear Nathan. Thoughts & prayers.

Betsy-----So good that you listened to the little boy share his grief about his older brother's death, and also

very important.......you shared about your Rich. I believe that by doing this,....the little boy felt that it was 'OK'

to share about his brother's death. Sometimes children feel too shy to talk about it, and keep feelings to

themselves. As you said.....it is sharing sad feelings, and it can be a successful exchange at any age.

Dee---Thanks for the Simon & Garfinkle video. What a nice bunch of caring friends ERz had, and they

are all trying to make the world a better place, each in their own way....as ERi, no doubt, would have done also.

Crystal--- (Tylersmom)---I'm glad that you found this site too. As you say......it can be a lifeline. I know that it has been one

for me, and I'm still here after nearly 8 yrs.,,,,along with Dee. We lost our dear children only one month apart

in 2003. I came to BI, and read the posts for almost a yr. before ever starting to post, and it has been so

helpful. Everyone here, no matter what timeline they are on, understands the grief & devastation of losing

a beloved child/children. Peace to you, friend.

Leah-----I'm hoping & praying that things work out, and improve. My heart goes out to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I had a strange dream night before last, about a dog and Vanessa; In my dream I came home and there was a new dog added to my menagerie. A cute, little fluffy happy dog greeting me at the door standing in the middle of my four excited dogs. I look over and ask Vanessa where did this one come from? She says I don't know, it just showed up out of nowhere. I notice it has a big envelope hanging from it's neck. I pick it up and it's wagging it's whole body not just it's tail in excitement. It's reaching it's head up and stretching it's tongue out trying to lick (kiss) me on the face. I'm laughing and smiling at it, I can't help but feel a lot of joy from this little dog. I open the envelope and take its contents out. Its a book of sorts, kinda like an old scrap book. It's navy blue, looks tattered around the edges and very used. I open it up and inside is lots of mementos of someones very happy life, some old and some new. There were notes, letters, pictures and other nondescript things. I start reading some of the notes and everything is talking about the love for this dog, how happy it has made them. How great their life is since they got it. The pictures showed a very happy family with different members holding this dog. The commonality of the pictures were who ever was holding the dog had a very beautiful, happy, calm glowing look about them. It was really evident how much this dog meant to this family. I started looking for the dogs name and the owners information. I couldn't find anything in the book or on the dog with a name, address or phone numbers. I kept thinking why is this dog here? I've never seen anyone in my neighborhood with this dog. Who are the owners, how am I going to find them? The questions were flying through my head, I started feeling a lot of desperation looking through the book over and over again thinking I must have missed the information. Surly, someone who loves their dog so much wouldn't risk it getting lost with out having away for it to be returned. Right? I ask Vanessa.

I'm feeling so much heartbreak for a family that I don't even know. Just because I read their stories of the love for this dog and saw the happiness in their pictures. I start crying, I feel completely loss. I don't know what to do. I start telling Vanessa we have to find the owners, they are going to miss it so much. They aren't going to be able to live without it. They are going to be devastated, heartbroken and probably die without their dog in their life! Glancing once again at the contents of this book, I realize this dog can't possibly be as old as some of the notes, letters, pictures and other things in it. The things in the very front of the book were old musty smelling, brittle, yellow and deteriorating from age. The pictures were worn, fading Black and Whites of people I don't know holding this dog. The center contents were a little newer, the letters and notes handwritten, the pictures were shinny yellowed 110film speed antique looking. Once again of people holding this dog. The next few pages contained old Polaroid pictures and less wear and tear on the letters. Which were typed from a typewriter. Although still old, it didn't smell as bad as the contents in the front. Toward the end of the book, everything was much newer and fresher. The pictures were full color 35mm type the faces unknown holding the dog. The last few pages contained nothing! Blank! I looked up to show Vanessa and she was gone. My heart sinks knowing she won't be back.

If Dreams are windows to our souls, then what does this say about me?

BTW, One of my dogs belonged to Vanessa. When she was in college her classes were keeping her away from her home so much, that she felt sorry for her dog being alone and asked me to watch him. She said it would only be until she could get through the bulk of her classes and would have more time for him. I took him to watch and she never took him back. Not because she didn't love him and want him. But because we loved him and he was attached to us and our other pets. She didn't want to take him out of a happy home. One of my other dogs, I inherited from my mom when she passed away.

Peace to everyone tonight!

[ericasmom]

Hey Lori, maybe that dream has to do with Love Unending, the forever-ness of it, that over time and changes in the world, there your love will be for your Girls, those girls who brought so much happiness to so many peoples' lives. Just a thought. Vanessa popping into your dream might also indicate the journals, the unanswered questions? A book of sorts...

I do hope that your crying day leaves you feeling a deep tired, the kind that requires deep sleep adn that you get that. I also remind you that at the point on your timeline, this is the typical-for-many -of-us amount of time when another layer of shock wears off leaving us in a raw and aching state. We are holding you as you continue to move forward even on those days where you don't feel you are. You are.

Crystal try not to sweat the taxes. Easier said than done I know, but somehow the taxes will be figured out, the payments will be made. See if you can pay in smaller increments.

Sus, I am outside of Chicago proper by about 15 minutes, not far from either airport, Midway, or O'Hare. Chances are that I will be teaching at the time you are laid over...though let me know and if I am not and I am not in meetings, I might be able to get to you. Parking however is a huge dilemma at O'Hare,so chances are I might not as that takes a while to get through. Midway is a much easier due to it being much smaller. Let me know. Are you excited?

Sherry, ERi's friends are good people. Glad that you enjoyed Simon and Garfunkle. Windy night upon us, be watchful.

Col, are you okay adn where are you?

Tony, glad that you began your new meds, I hope that you will feel less jittery tomorrow. Love the tattoo down your left arm. Very cool. When ERi was in the hospital for those 6 days, over 80 people went tot he three tattoo parlors in town, Kalamazoo, and had her name put on them somehow. I did not but her aunty did as did her Daddy. My Son has Eri on both arms. She is on so many people, traveling the world. Play your game tomorrow Tony and know that you are always going to remember this wonderful Boy of yours. You won't forget.

[Crystal Rogerson]

Tony: Memorial tattoos are a great way to keep Brendan right beside you. My ex husband, my youngest daughter and I all went to the tattoo parlor with Meg's journal, (because her signature was in it.) She always signed the page Meg and put a little heart on the tail of the "g". We each got her signature on our left shoulder because we knew that Meg would "always have our back".

Lori: I agree with Erica's mom about the book in your dream symbolizing the journals. But I think that Erica was also showing you in this dream that you have all the happy memories...but there are blank pages left to make new memories in the "new life" with out her physically here but she is still with you. Showing you that it is ok to heal and carry on with life, because there are so many blank pages left to fill up with new memories.

Sorry to have burdened you all with my tax talk. It's been a horrible week and the taxes were the last straw. It took all I had to get through today.

I hope that sleep does not elude me like it has been.

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[ericasmom]

Sleep well tonight Crystal, money issues on top of all that makes us anxious is a bit much. Hang on though, I just feel like it will all be fine. I hope that waking tomorrow starts a new mood for the rest of the week, a happier mood and days feeling well rested.

Trudi, hope the sea offers you the beauty that amazes, and that you have a peace filled weekend.

Carol, still enjoying the warm weather of the south are you?

Night All, deep sleep and beautiful dreams tonight.

[Guest msnher]

Lori - The dog in your dream represents unconditional love. Love has no beginning and it has no end. Love is always the same....as evident of the dog being the same from old to new. Love never dies. That's the most important message of the dog. The love between you and your girls will live on for eternity. Alas, our life is part, a very small part, of eternity right now. Love, joy, peace...all part of pure love. The pictures of all the different people with the same dog is telling you not to be sad because the dog doesn't belong to just one family...just like love. The same dog made many people happy...love brought joy to many people's lives...just like Vanessa and Kailey brought joy to yours...but, their love and joy will always be with you. The blank pages are your life, to be written by you. Oh, I am excited for you, my friend! That was one powerful dream/visit/revelation. I wish you didn't have to go this journey to be touched by the Divine in this way, but make no mistake, you are being visited by the Divine love of God through your daughters. I'm so excited I can hardly sit still long enough to type this. God isn't sending you signs to let you know your girls are okay...your girls are sending you signs to let you know how loved you are by God. Cool. Cool. Cool. Thank you so much for sharing such a powerful experience!

Dee - Yes, I don't think that's going to work this trip. But, it was a wonderful thought. I will wave as I rush from one gate to the next. I don't even know if they let you leave during a layover...and if they do, do you have to go through the whole ordeal of checking in again? Too much stress for either of us. Another time, then. I'll have to accept my virtual hugs for now.

Tony - I hope you can take a picture of your tatoo and post it. A wonderful tribute to your son...both of them!

Lorri - I love the chair. It is so bittersweet. You are a good woman!!!

Meg - You are never a burden. Here we talk about whatever's on our mind or whatever's happening in our lives.

Well, Indigo's, we went to Celebrate Recovery tonight to watch my son, Curtis, be baptised. Yep. Did. Walls didn't fall in. Lightening didn't strike. We all sat on the front row...that's where his dad always sits and he and his wife are pretty loud and charismatic in their worship...we worship right along with them. Enjoyed it. At one point during a song I could have sworn Jesus, himself, walked down from the stage and stood in front of me...just loving me. When I opened my eyes to look nobody was there, but the feeling remained until the song was over. The song isn't one I know but it was about his love. Well, that narrows the name of it down, doesn't it? All songs in a Christian church are about his love. Yep...the songs are about his love and the preaching is about hell fire and damnation. Okay. I'm getting off track. Anyway, I "felt" something...but no one was there. It was pretty cool. I was hoping to feel Stephanie. The last time I saw her was when I surprised her by bringing her children to Celebrate Recovery. The only way Family services would let them go was if I stayed. I'm glad I did because, as I said, it was the last time I ever spent with my daughter.

It is so clear in my mind. Leaving the church building...Stephanie walking with us to the car. She buckled each one of her kids in and hugged and kissed them and told them how much she loved them. Then, she turned to me and hugged me and kissed my cheek and said "I love you, Mom". Our last words to one another.

If I think about it too much my heart gets sad from missing her. But, really it was just the last page with the puppy in her arms. The puppy is now in our arms...what will the pictures hold?

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Dee - PS - It's Ohare airport (did I spell it right? too tired to check) Denver makes you exit the car and they check your trunk and the car. It's a nightmare...let alone finding a place to park. Casper airport is totally different. We can park by the front door. LOL

Oh -- and we have to walk outside to board the small two engine plane.

[Guest msnher]

Crystal, I called you Meg. I'm sure you don't mind, but I wanted you to know I know the difference.

Nite all.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: No, as a matter of fact, I am home...home to less than half the temps of where I was...it was 38 degrees when we landed at Manchester airport! Last evening, in Florida, it was 89!!!! I am freezing...don't think i will ever warm up again! So glad to hear the baby is doing better!

A lot has been posted since I've been away and though I've checked in, it is difficult to "catch up," as well know when we don't post for a few days. I will just say that I missed everyone, kept you all in my heart and my prayers and thoughts, and I am very glad to be back!

Lori: I am so sorry about your dream that upset you so...while I don't know what to say regarding interpretation, I do agree with Crystal, Meg's mom, "but there are blank pages left to make new memories in the "new life" with out her physically here but she is still with you. Showing you that it is ok to heal and carry on with life, because there are so many blank pages left to fill up with new memories." Vanessa may indeed be showing you that there were many memories written, but so many more pages to fill.

Diane: I am so glad that you had such a good experience with the counselor. I also saw a therapist, someone I'd been seeing off and on for the last ten years...he helped me through the darkest parts of this journey and I don't know what I would have done without him. It helped that he knew Mike...made it just easier, somehow. It sounds as though you and your husband are off to a good start with this counselor.

Sharon: I am glad that you are going to be seeing a counselor also...good luck with it and let us know how it works out. They don't have all the answers, but they sure can guide you in the right direction sometimes, and sometimes they are just good to listen to you. I agree with the others about your Shane, T, being a sign from your Shane...hold it close in your heart, they are precious things, these signs, sent to comfort us.

Lorri: Thank you for sharing that beautiful song...and the rocking chair is very pretty, I am sure she will love it!

Tony: Glad you got started on a medication, and the tattoos sound great...do take a pic and post them so we can see, if you want to, that is. Good luck with the game and I know that Brenden will be right there with you.

Crystal: I know what you mean about the taxes...we had a huge mixup in our new taxes, because of our huge change in our lifestyle...both not working any longer...and not knowing that we were supposed to be paying taxes on our social security....along with losing our itemized deductions due to having the smaller house now, and not paying any real estate taxes cause of Ralph's Veteran status...a bonus for sure, but a big hit on our deductions, of which now the standard is all we can do. Almost $4K to the IRS...ouch, ouch, and OUCH again! Of course, when that happens it means that the you need to increase your deductions from your income, so a DOUBLE BIG OUCH! Good luck with yours...as Dee said, it will work out somehow...they are very good about letting you pay over time, if that's what you need.

Sus: So great that you are coming this way...will be so glad to meet you---Gary is indeed a treasure, a keeper for sure, to take on the kids so you can see Amanda...great guy! But, I am sure you already know that! Thank you for sharing those last moments with Stephanie, her coming to the car and buckling the kids in, and kissing them and you.

Well, I had some amazing things happen today, after I got home from the airport. Ralph has been "looking around" for a vehicle. He gave his big F150 truck to Cathi in late 2009, because he couldn't drive it any longer...arthritis, and it was a stick, so hard (impossible) for him to drive...so, for all this time, we've just been using my van, but he wants his own transportation. (I don't know for what...we go everywhere together!) Anyway, so he's been looking, but not seeing anything. Well, he was considering this Mercury Marquis that a friend was selling, which is a huge car, but one I don't like because it is down too low. I have been in a van for 20 years, and I don't feel comfortable low to the ground anymore. So, today, on the way home from the airport we decide to get lunch before we go home. He makes a huge circle because he's already passed the exit for the restaurant. In this effort, he drives by a smaller sized Ford truck with a for sale sign on it---which was not there yesterday when he drove by this same place---not as big as the F150 he gave Cathi, not as small as the Ranger he used to have a while back. It has full back seats---would be great for the kids when they are with us. We stop and look, test drive, talk to the guy, etc. Ralph decides this is what he wants. We leave to go to the Credit union to see about getting the money. We have to wait for the guy there, so I sit down, beside the change machine. We are still discussing whether this is a good idea or not, when Ralph notices someone had left a dime on the change machine...of course, a 1975 dime (Mike's birth year). We do the paperwork, go back to the guy to pay him, find a 1964 penny on his walkway...(our 47th anniversary---year married 1964---is next week). Go to the DMV to get the plates. Find out that the old vanity tag we had to give up when Ralph got his disabled Veteran's plates, GOSOXX, is available. Really? Order it, of course. Come out of the office, to face a huge poster of pictures of plants and seeds indiginous (sp?) to this area...right smack in the middle is a pic of some small seeds, placed beside a penny to show their size...the penny in the picture, of course, is a 1975. We come out to get back in the van to go back and get the truck...Ralph finds a penny right behind the van, a 1975. I come around the van to get in on my side, see a hole in the concrete, a perfect heart, about 12 inches across. I guess Mike wanted us to know that he really likes this truck his dad picked out!!

Sorry for the rambling post, but wanted to share our good day...

a few pics from today and a couple of my SIL's back yard...I love the bird house in the tree! The leaves around the tree are from a small philodendron plant they planted there a couple of years ago, that just took off! It is huge!

[mikesmomrs]

oops! Can't forget to show you hubby's new ride...signed, sealed, delivered and approved by Mike!

[mikesmum]

Sharon, this is what I mean about signs.....Carol's Mike is not backward in coming forward.

Carol - Love the signs, the plates, the car, the pennies from heaven how could you ignore that. Glad you had a good time with the family. Best Wishes on the upcoming anniversary....WOW

For those in the 'Tornado' season, my thoughts with you as you face this uncertainty. The news here showed vision of the Oklahoma devestation, the family lost when a tree fell through the house. I can only imagine the fear when you hear those sirens.....such a short time to move to safety.. Keeping you in my prayers.

Have had Zak and Jeya this weekend. Saw HOP. There is something to be said for seeing a movie with the eyes of the innocent. Jeya and I painted our nails, glittering pink (omg). Hugs and kisses and they are back home with my youngest Steven, now a 33yr old dad with all the groans that come with raising a family and paying the bills. Held him for what seemed to be the longest time. He gets when mum needs the 'hug'.

Sleep well my Indigo family...Check you tomorrow.

Colleen and Marcia - Hola. Cómo estás?

[mysonrich]

I am up early on my day off. I had an appointment to check out a bicycle. Let's just say it looked better in the picture. Rich had a talent for fixing up bikes. He had his own little parts store in the basement and when a neighbor would stop by, he fixed the bikes. He made a little cash here and there but if you didn't have any, that was ok too.

Carol, nice truck. The Spanish Moss is something else isn't it.

Betty, I'm sure very soon we will take a walk together. Its funny that you mention bagels. For those here that don't know and as I retold my bagel adventure to a friend just yesterday Betty, I was living in North East Pennsylvania. Such a beautiful place and not far from “home” with many local flavors but I was missing real east coast bagels. I mentioned this on BI and a couple of days later I received a FedEx package from Betty! Betty sent me bagels. I stretched out the enjoyment and smiled a such a heartwarming gift.

Susannah, you can leave the airport during a layover. And yes, back through the security line you will travel but keep in mind the scene I witnessed at my last airport visit; a man running ,not a jog, not a fast walk, not a almost run, but running and shouting, COMING THROUGH. WATCH OUT.COMING THROUGH. I hope he made his plane.

Lorri, I love the chair! Its so cute.Crystal, my income tax filing will be late. I don't have a needed w-2 but like I told the rep I spoke to last night to order a copy, I don't think they will come drag me away. Probably not as important as a business filing but I'm not worried.

I'm off to look for another bike. Its a consignment shop for bikes. They are refurbished and placed up for sale. The bike owner agrees to a dollar amount he is to receive, the difference goes to the Boys and Girls Club. I’ll let you know how I make out this time.

[Guest msnher]

Geeze, I should not write a post when I am so tired and so full of caffiene. Crystal - I hope I didn't upset you by calling you Meg. Total brain freeze.

Carol - What a good looking truck! I love the messages you guys get from coins, hearts, VW bugs etc. Yes, I think that is the truck Ralph was supposed to have!

Betsy - I think I had better stay in the airport. Safest bet.

It's going to be a beautiful day here in Central Wyoming...I think I'll take advantage of it and work in my flower garden. Maybe we can grill some elk steaks for supper. Yep. Good idea.

Peace to you all...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Betsy Good luck on your bicycle search I love that Rich and a small bike shop in your home and repaired bikes for everyone even if they had no money That one sentence tells a great deal about your precious son!!

Sus I have to agree with Betsy Leaving the airport and trying to return for a connecting flight is difficult at best. Maybe we Indigos can plan a gathering sometime soon at a designated place and all get together

Carol Thanks for the pictures. Loved the truck and the license plate is so special. A true gift from MIKE

Lori The rocking chair is precious You are such a generous person

Trudi Hope you enjoy the weekend and cherish the warm memories of that pink nail polish on your sweet little grandie

Sherry How are you today? Need an update on your critters

Diane, Sharon, Crystal Tony , Christy Leah and all Indigos know you are not walking this road alone and that we are all together sharing the journey

Checked on the Eagle nest this AM and it is snowing on the nest Mom and babies are well but huddled together It is raining her in NYC So I may look for a movie Do not believe HOP is here

Talk later

[ericasmom]

Betsy, good luck on finding the right bike. I love my bicycle, it is like a friend that I love being with.

Carol, how does that BOY do it? He is the king, the KING of signs and what a Sweetie he is to lay them out in a wondrous pattern, shining on his Momand Pop. Happy Anniversary by the by. HOly Cow, that too should be on a billboard. Just think of all the hit songs we still sing from your marriage year! Bound for greatness the two of you. Love the photos too.

Oh Lorri, so glad to be reminded about the chair as I forgot to comment on it, was at school checking my mail when I saw it. It is so pretty, love it and the Babes will love it too.

Trudi, I know what you mean about the hugs with your Boy, I too sometimes cause a longer hug.

Going to see Kris' baby maybe today. He is still in the hospital, and while doing better his biopsy has been sent to Childrens HOspital, so hopes and prayers are still needed for this little guy to thrive, to grow, to flourish. Thanks for those.

[Guest msnher]

I meant to ask, Lori, were you able to get ahold of the detective in Vanessa's case?

I am excited for my trip, but underlying my excitement is the earnestness about my reason for the trip. It is easy to allow my mind to be swallowed up by fear of what's happening to Amanda. Last night her step mother and I talked about the idea of us outliving her is big. Although none of us know how much time we have on this side of life Amanda has already surpassed the medical prediction of her life span by 31 years. She is a heavy smoker and has not taken good care of herself thus far and with the new development it is easy to allow our fears to run amuck. I have to force myself to stay in the now. A home health nurse visits her everyday to test her blood. So far it all looks good. She is supposed to stay off her feet. She has scheduled a doctor's appt with a new doctor while I am there. I also have to remind myself she is an adult and to not take over the question/answer period with her docs. I slip back into momma bear mode of her childhood easily. When she was young I wondered how I would be when she was old enough to make her own medical decisions and the first time she had surgery and was hospitalized as an adult I found out...I'm no different. Stephanie would have been 30 on the 29th of this month and right now my fear is that Amanda will die on her birthday. I hate to even verbalize it because I don't want to put those vibes out there. The fear, however, is eating me up inside. Amanda is one of the most compassionate people I know. By the time she was two she taught me more about loving unconditionally than I ever knew.

One of her biggest resentments was the fact Stephanie kept having babies and wasn't taking care of them and here was Amanda who couldn't have them. I think she has finally found some level of acceptance about not being a mother, but it was her greatest heartache. As it were, however, she became a godmother to many of her friends babies. Children flock to her. So do animals. Amanda stands only 4'11" tall. She would have been taller but the bottom five vertebra of her spine are fused together. They bow out causing her discomfort when she has to sit against a solid surface. She was told that more of her discs in her spine are disintegrating.

If you met her you would never know there was a thing wrong with her. She is beautiful, sweet and kind. Doctors and nurses go back to her room just to be in her presence. Unless I'm there because I guard her like a watch dog. Because she is such a medical phenomenan and mystery medical students want to study her. I no longer allowed that because it became too intrusive and my baby was being handled by too many people. In her adult years, however, SHE says...let them come and ask their questions...then she says to them, "Ask my mom, she knows it all better than I do." My answers usually turn into more questions to them before I'll answer them. Who are you? Why are you studying my daughter? Are you just curious?

Surgeons have even asked permission to watch other surgeries just so they can see inside her.

I'm scared.

Just because Stephanie died does not make me immune from losing another child, as Sherry and Lori can attest. I have to remind myself that Amanda was a gift to all of us and is not my possession. I have to remind myself not to panic...which does no good. I just panic quietly, but my body and emotions are reacting.

She was my first real love. I used to stare at her in awe of the amount of love I could feel for another human being. She took her first steps on her first birthday. On Christmas we decorated her hospital crib and opened all her presents there.

Her most embarrasing moment was when she was in 6th grade and she was playing basketball and her ileostomy bag fell off in front of everyone. The other children weren't cruel. Quite the opposite. All the girls circled her so no one could see and they stayed that way as they escorted her out of the gym. That summer we flew to Dallas where they gave her a BCIR...an eternal resevor. She still stooled out of her side, but then she got to drain it with a tube instead of wearing an outside bag. That lasted for 10 years and then it failed and she had to go back to an outside stoma. She has no large intestines and there is so much scar tissue surrounding the limited amount of small intestines she has left that she can't afford more surgeries on her intestines.

When she was one and a half, the surgeon at Primary Children's hospital in Salt Lake told us she would eventually need a urostomy because her kidneys, bladder and uretors were deformed. It was then he told us both her kidneys were on her right side and it appeared there was a third smaller kidney in the middle of her back. He said she would be on dialisis for the duration of her life. When she was almost three, during a regular doctor's visit, I proudly announced she had potty trained herself. Ignorance was bliss for this young, stupid mother. He had her in exploratory surgery within two hours of that visit. He was sure her kidney's had failed because it was impossible for her to have any control over her urin. He came out of surgery scratching his head..saying everything is functioning correctly but he didn't know why.

He said nothing in her urinary tract should work. Period. I have always believed in miracles so I just smiled and took my baby home.

Oh....look at this...I have gone on and on...sorry. I guess I just needed to tell you about my Amanda.

She played the flute in junior high. She was part of the puppet team at church. From the age of 10 she began going to ostomy camp, traveling to parts of the united states to spend a week with other children like her.

She never lacked for friends. Never lacked for male suiters. She caused me many headaches as a teenager. I thought she was a horrible kid until her younger siblings became teenagers. Since then I have thanked her profusely for being such a good kid.

She calls me Mommy. When Stephanie died, I called her from the ER and told her I needed her to go straight to my house and not ask any questions. She did. My son wouldn't. He was on his way to a camping trip and demanded to know what was going on.

The night before Stephanie died, Amanda had a dream that Stephanie was on a four wheeler, going too fast, about to crash into a barbed wire fence and there was a man on the back pushing her neck into the fence.

She stayed with me every night after Steph died and finally told me about the dream on Tuesday (Steph died on a Sunday). Amanda was crying and said she hated going to sleep because she keeps having the same dream. Friday night, the day we had Steph's service, Amanda and Jennifer and I stayed up late visiting. Amanda curled up in a tight ball on the love seat and tried to sleep. Her sleep was restless and she was moaning. I annointed her with oil and prayed over her. Immediately she stretched out, rolled over and said, "Oh...I love you."

The next morning she told us Stephanie came to her and said, "I'm okay, Amanda. The reason I was screaming is I was scared and the person on the back of the four wheeler was Jesus, taking my soul before I ever hit the fence. I love you and I'll never leave you."

Well, Indigo's, if you made it through all of that I thank you. Oh...one more little story. When Stephanie was two and Amanda was four, Amanda came running to me several times because Stephanie bit her. Each time Stephanie got in trouble, until I watched Amanda run to her sister and say, "bit me" sticking her finger in her mouth....

I'm not doing spell check.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

When Amanda was 10 she swallowed a washer about the size of a quarter. What she was doing with it in her mouth is beyond me. The washer stopped up her stoma and we had to fly to Salt Lake to have it surgically removed. In the hospital we walked to another floor to get some blood work. That part of the hospital was getting a face lift and there was construction going on. Standing at the counter, Amanda stuck her finger in one of the holes in the wall. She and I had been getting on each other's nerves. She was at the age where she was beginning to get mouthy with me and my patience were already thin with her that day. She quietly whispered to me, "Mom, my finger's stuck in the hole." I couldn't respond...I just stared at her with that stare that says do you have two heads. I looked at the receptionist and calmly said, "My daughter stuck her finger in one of the holes in the wall and she can't get it out."

The nurse calmly told Amanda they could not cut down the wall and they were not going to cut off her finger so she needed to relax enough to pull it out. It worked.

I have a lot of stories about Amanda and doctors. I may have to bore you all with them until I get home from New Hampshire and know my baby's okay.

When she was 13, in Dallas, getting the eternal resivor, they brought an extra bed into her room for me to sleep on. After about four weeks we were really annoying one another. She was in pain and had to was snapping at me a lot. I was tired and began snapping back. One night a nurse gave me a break, convincing me Amanda would be well taken care of, by taking me around downtown Dallas, showing me where Kennedy was shot, etc. By the time I got back to the hospital both Amanda and I were in such a state of despair over the brief separation we were much kinder to one another for the rest of her stay.

When her truck rolled five times and she was life flighted to Salt Lake (about seven years ago) she was so ornery to me while we waited for her heartrate to get high enough so they could do surgery I actually left her there and went to my room. Her then boyfriend was with her and she was getting quite abusive towards me about her whole childhood. She said something about how I had failed, well, she said a lot about how I had failed as a mom. I told her I quit going on guilt trips and for her to get over it. She said "it must be nice to be able to let yourself off the hook so easily." I said, "You know what...it looks like you two have this under control. I'm going to go get some sleep."

The next morning when I walked in her room she started crying and saying, "Mommy I'm so sorry!" We hugged and all was well.

I never said I was the best mother....I have just done the best I could...which sometimes wasn't good enough.

We almost lost her on the surgery table about ten years ago. When she came out of that surgery she started having seizures. We still don't know why.

Still not doing spell check. I'm just working through stuff...