Loss of an Adult Child

April 10, 2011

Sharon-----I know what you mean about the day of the week that our child/children left

this earth. Shane left on a Saturday......my son, Davey, also left on a Saturday. I guess

that these things just stay imprinted in our minds. It does get 'softer' in time, as others

have said.......but I realize that right now you are so deep in your sorrow that sometimes

words don't mean much. Just try to come back to BI and let us know your feelings, if

you care to share them. Everyone here understands.

Karen----I must have missed your post when you told of the FACEBOOK incidents. With

the BI site growing, it is sometimes difficult to get all caught up. As someone said......

people can be so cruel .....(some people---not all, of course). It has been said by

experts and talk show people, that the internet is a perfect....annonymous place for

wierdos who try to make others feel bad. I'm sorry. Peace & prayers.

Dee and Colleen, and Betty-------Speaking about furred & feathered creatures from nature.....

here's my recent experience: We looked out the window to the birdfeeding area to see a

opposum grazing away on the seeds spilled from the feeders. This was daylight, and

opposums tend to be nocturnal. I told my husband.....let him/her eat a bit, and them we'll

scare her off. He declined, ...said she would go away on her own. SOoooooo.....I went to

the garage and got a pushbroom, and went out to shoo her away. She was reluctant to

leave, and stood her ground, and even made a 'hissing' sound at me. Then she began

to leave our backyard, and I kept yelling at her ....urging her to keep going. She went

a couple hundred yards out front, and went down into a 'spring...hole' and disappeared.

My husband said that it was very 'creepy' and ugly, but I thought she was kind of 'cute' in a

wierd way.......pointy nose.....dark beady little black eyes, and pink nose and feet. I thought maybe

she had babies somewhere, and was just so hungry that she ventured out in the daylight.

We have aerial baiting in this rural area, to innoculate wild animals for rabies each summer.

We have squirrels visit the feeders, but never a oppossum !!! My big excitement for the day....... :mellow:

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

April 10, 2011

Sherry, I often see them when I am walking early in the AM. Yes, this is baby time so she might be extra hungry feeding her little ones. The wind is whistling through the day, really strong.If stoorms come with this wind, it may be a basement kind of night.

Peace out

April 10, 2011

Edit

April 11, 2011

hi idigo friends....

i am tired and sad and lost....FRIDAYS are my downer days....then it just goes straight into the weekend and it is totally blown from there....

karen...we blocked certain people from nathan's FB page, then once it got to a point we thought everyone had gotten pics off, we deleted it altogether...there were a couple of people in nathan's life that were saying nasty things and hurting us more by what they were saying and we just had no use for them.....neither did nathan, so there was just no reason to keep his site going anymore....

i asked my hubby to set up a counseling session for us this week, if possible....i just can't stop crying and i feel so empty inside....i am trying to do things and to go more places and trying to be mom again, but i can't "FEEL" me...i feel sad and empty inside...i can't find joy or happiness inside....i feel like an empty tube with my skin on the outside.....i have been cheated out of the rest of my life. i told my husband this tonight and he said he has noticed i am going through a different phase of grief, but doesn't think it is anything unusual for this type of grief...he understands how painful it is, but would go to couseling with me if it will help me understand my feelings and the stages better....he said he is hurting more right now, too...i love him for this, foor being beside me, for understanding and not judging me...for trying to help me....he is wonderful.....i feel guilty because i can't give my kids and grandkids their mom and grandmother back to them....i'm not here....i'm lost....it makes me even sadder....it makes me angry with nathan, even though i love him and i KNOW with all my heart he loved me...us...he did....he was ill, and lost and in pain, or he would not have done this to his family, not to me....i know this, but then i get mad at him for making me spend my life like this.....but i miss him so much......

i still say, i WILL survive this, how and when, i don't know, but i will......

thanks for listening.....diane

greg....thanks for the update on the stickers....

April 11, 2011

Hello Dear BI Friends....Just stopping to say hello....wishing I could catch up with everyone - I think of all of you each day. It hurts me so to read the posts of the new ones here and so wish I was in a place where I could help.

Have been very busy with work, Tavian's baseball practice, first game is tomorrow night. Have been working on Jessica's Garden, it is coming along great, the fish pond almost complete. The weather has been up and down temperature wise so get out when I can.

My dad is doing much better and he and mom will be moving into an assisted living apartment which makes all of us very happy, knowing they will be in a place where they will be safe and well taken care of.

As for me, I have been up and down like the weather....major melt-down yesterday and as most of us know there is no rhyme or reason as to when it is going to slam me so I have to go with it and let the tears rack my body and soul....

Love all of you, strength, love and prayers......Kathy

April 11, 2011

Good Evening Indigos

Betsy I am again so sorry for the loss of your SIL It is obvious from your pictures that you really showed up and helped your family once again in a difficult time. I love your photography I spent many winters in Florida and my most treasured memory is feeding the seagulls with Stephen Thanks for including the picture of your brother's grandchildren and the gulls

Sherry Oh my you are certainly enveloped in nature What a treat to see the creatures emerge from the cold winter. nurture babies and continue the cycle. Thanks for the smiles.

Karen I am so sorry you are being hurt and upset by selfish people I believe that everyone is responsible for their behavior both good or bad. If someone is behaving badly it is a reflection on them and I do not have to engage with them If I need to set the record straight then It is my responsibility to do so without engaging in a feud Hard to do sometimes but worth it when I can I pray that you will find peace.

Tony what a lovely experience you had while playing ball. The hawk was definately a sign form sweet Brendan

Sus I agree your wisdom and compassion are an great asset here and never a need to post an apology

Leah, Diane, Sharon as Dee says so very often it does get softer, easier milder a moment, a second , a minute at a time. I found that this loss was so huge that I knew I would need much time to just get back to ground zero. Just keep showing up and remembering to try to rest, eat and share.

Today it was in the 50is in the City with little sun but I did get out went to church and visited a friend in hospital.

have a Blessed evening all

April 11, 2011

Diane - I remember crying as I told my husband that I don't know where I went or if I'm ever coming back. We do emerge...some of the old...a lot new... like an expensive vase that was crushed and glued back together. Some of the pieces are missing, leaving small holes, and the cracks are more apparent than the design...but when people look at it they are in awe. It takes time, lots of time. Hang on.

Betty - You are so sweet, thank you. I don't know if I told you I visited St Patrick's cathedral several years ago. I think several of you were talking about it. I was in awe. Of course, being from Wyoming where the population for the whole state is about 350,000, I was in awe of EVERYTHING. I got to spend a day shopping in something Hope Pennsylvania. I could have lived there! I didn't understand the whole amish thing. I love their simplicity and perhaps their way of living makes more sense now than ever before in the world. I mean, they will be the ones to survive a great catastophe. Anyway...Pennsylvania - Manhattan...how I run off track...We went to a play on Broadway. I was disappointed in Times Square. The television makes it look so BIG...and it's just this little corner. Rode the subway...bought from street vendors...ate pizza...it was pure fun. (we don't have street vendors here and I had never seen one before just, well, on the street for no reason...I mean it wasn't a fair or rodeo or anything it was just Monday) All the suvineers I bought were from street vendors except for one I was getting ready to make my selection and he hurridly closed up shop and rushed off as the street (on foot) police approached. That made my trip even more exciting. The only wierd experience we had was we were approached by one man asking for money so he could return to his home planet. Other than that I think WE were the other people's weird experience. Genuine hillbillies/rednecks.

Well, that was more than I intended to say.

Karen - Blessings to you...above all else be true to yourself. Sometimes we have to stand up and let people know there's an elephant in the room.

My mind's gone blank....Have any of you seen the video of the cat and the dolphins? Fantastic! I'll try to find it.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

April 11, 2011

Hello BI Friends, I hope everyone is having a peaceful, loving day. If not, I'm sorry and hope you find some comfort to ease your pain. I'm going to apologies now, for how long this post is. I'm purging my soul, from the details of Kailey's death.

My Day is Saturday's..... Even though, Kailey died on a Tuesday. I don't think about Tuesday's as much as Saturday's. I guess because the whole nightmare started out on a Saturday and I lump it all together.

For the past several weeks, when Saturday comes along, I think about "THAT SATURDAY" when, I was at work and received a phone call. Hearing the ring tone, "Sweet Child of mine" and looking at the caller ID "Vanessa #1 Daughter" I was momentarily happy.... But, then in an instant, I knew something was really wrong.

You see, that day, up to the point of the phone call, I was feeling strange. Like something was really wrong. But, I couldn't put my finger on it. It felt like a dark gloomy day, even though, it was a normal Florida day... bright, hot & sunny. I've only had these strange feelings when something is about to be horribly wrong, or something really bad has already occurred. The feelings that day were the worst ever, my mind was wondering, I wasn't focused on my job. I even made up a little lie, and told my co-worker, I had a headache and didn't get much sleep the night before. Just so, he wouldn't think my behavior was strange. At one point, I even laid down (at work) for a few minutes, to try and figure out what was going on. I didn't lay there very long, I started to feel extremely anxious (not normal for me). I was pacing back and forth, then finally sat down at my desk. My phone rang, I reluctantly said hello knowing something was wrong. It was Vanessa's boyfriend calling from her phone, his voice was shaken, he was saying "Vanessa is dead"... I didn't want to believe it, I started yelling into the phone, WHAT DO YOU MEAN SHE IS DEAD, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU SAYING. WHEN, HOW, WHAT? MY BODY WAS SHAKING, MY MIND RACING..... THINKING HE IS WRONG, THIS CAN'T BE! ARE YOU SURE, HOPING SHE COULD BE SAVED! HE SAID, THE PARAMEDICS ARE HERE, THEY SAID SHE'S BEEN DOWN TO LONG, THERE IS NOTHING THEY CAN DO. THEIR SORRY, THEY SAY SHE IS GONE.

Ironically, I've said those exact words before, way to many times..... I'm a Paramedic, I chose this job and dedicated my career to saving lives and helping people in their greatest time of need. I'm a nurturer, love people and hate seeing anyone suffer. I've held the hands of my patients, just because they were scared. I've done everything in my power to try and save someone, even though, I know it's to late. I'm very good at what I do, saved many lives. I've even earned Paramedic of the year for the state. But, I'm not God..... when he takes our loved ones, there is absolutely, positively nothing I can do. However, I have seen miracles happen, but they are few and far between.

I had to try and pull it together and call my ex-husband, Kailey and Vanessa's father. I could barely get the words out... It was as if saying those words out loud, meant it was real. I didn't want it to be real! I started pleading.... Please God, don't let this be real. The emotions were overwhelming, I was sick to my stomach from my nerves. I knew it was real, I'd felt those feelings and knew something was wrong, before I had even gotten the call. We booked the very next flight to California. I just wanted to get to her house and try to connect and feel her. I wanted to know exactly what happen, see for myself. Because, I had serious doubt in what the "boyfriend" was saying had happen. I stayed at her house while my ex-husband and his wife stayed at a hotel. That night was shocking, very painful and numbing. I was left alone in my daughters house, one day after she died. Because, the boyfriend went to a party, with the girl he is now dating! The day's following didn't get any better as far as he is concerned.

On the second night, I still couldn't sleep. I had been up for three days now, and started feeling all those same feeling's I described in the beginning of this story. My stomach was in knots, I was full of UN-familiar feelings. I paced back and forth crying, trying to make since of everything. How could this happen to my Vanessa? I finally decided to go lay down. I laid there for a while trying to convince myself to close my eyes. I did close them, but had all kinds of thoughts going on, and kept thinking I was hearing things and seeing shadows, even though it was dark and my eyes were closed. I think, I fell asleep for a few minutes. But, I'm not even sure If I did. I felt like I was in a trance, frozen still and ice cold..... My cell phone rings, I wasn't sure if it was really ringing or was I dreaming? I Ignore It, but suddenly I'm realizing something is really wrong. The phone rings again, I force my eyes open, my arm feels like it weighs 100 lbs. I struggle to pick up the phone, I look at the time and it says 3:00am... My God, I've only been in bed 10 or 15 minutes! It rings again, It's my Husband in Florida. I answer the phone with, WHAT'S WRONG WITH KAILEY? He begins to tell me, she was crying and moaning like she was in pain. Her breathing was really bad, we called 911 they rushed her to the hospital. Her nurse went with her and just called, she said they put her on a ventilator (life support). My Husband says, Lori, it's bad, she didn't look good. I'm laying in bed frozen and feel like my body is under something that is holding me down. Then, I get a huge breeze and a hollow feeling starting at my head and going through my body and out my feet. Almost, like I was getting sucked through a wind tunnel head first. I realize she is dead, I saw a bright light, I can smell her, feel her, she was just here. I'm paralyzed, I can't breath. I can hear my husband still on the phone, he's asking if I heard him? Suddenly, I hear my house phone ringing through my husband cell phone. He looks at the caller ID and tells me, It's the hospital, he answers It. I can only hear his side of the conversation...... Yes, yes, It's that bad? How long have you been working her? Yes, yes, I have her mom on the other line. I understand, yes, I can come right away. Okay, yes bye. My husband tells me Kailey went into cardiac arrest. They are working her and doing everything they can. This has happen before and she has pulled through. They want him to get there as fast as he can. He says to me, I gotta go, I'll call you when I get there. I Love you, Bye..... I already knew she was gone, I felt her..... She went through me.

OMG, I realize I have to call my ex-husband again. I was shaking, cold, still frozen. Through the tears, I can't see the numbers on my phone. I'm freaking out! I'm really scared, still laying in the dark.... alone. I find his number and call, no answer. I call again, still no answer. I leave a message. Call again and again. I'm in a frenzy, panicking, I'm scared, starting to get strength, feeling less frozen. I get up slowly, trying to get my bearings. I walk into the living room, Vanessa's boyfriend had fallen asleep on the sofa. I call his name, he wakes up.... what's wrong? Kailey's dead, I say in hysteria. This can't be happening, first Vanessa, now Kailey. It's only been 3 days, why is this happening? I'm crying so hard, no sleep, I'm weak, my legs give out. I fall to the couch, with my phone still in my hand. We start calling my ex again. Finally, he picks up the phone. Through the tears, I tell him Kailey died, he breaks down crying. He tells me to have the boyfriend, come pick him up from the hotel. The boyfriend gets his keys, OH NO, DON'T LEAVE ME HERE ALONE! I make it to the car, I'm numb. We get to the hotel, I see my ex, I get out of the car and we embrace, crying together, through the tears he says, are you sure she's dead? I start to think, actually, I don't know. I wasn't told she was dead, I just knew she was. Wow, what do I say? I tell him yes, she is gone. Then, I say lets call her nurse and find out exactly what happen. I put her on speaker phone, she is telling us what happen, and how they put her on life support. She said, Kailey was okay so, she left to go home. I whisper to everyone, she doesn't know Kailey died! Then, I tell her, she freaks out and says she's turning around and going back to the hospital, we hang up. A moment later, my phone rings, its my husband. He's at the hospital, he tells me Kailey died. I say, I already know......... When she left, I felt her, she went through me.

April 11, 2011

Ironically, I've said those exact words before way to many times..... I'm a Paramedic FF. I chose this job and dedicated my career to saving lives and help people in their greatest time of need. I'm a nurturer, love people and hate seeing anyone suffer. I've held the hands of my patients just because they were scared. I've done everything in my power to try and save someone even though, I know it's to late. I'm very good at what I do, saved many lives.

Lori - Can't begin to know what losing one child after another would be like, I pray I never will. I heard myself saying these very things to my psych over and over. I'm a trained nurse, and EMD, married to an Intensive Care Paramedic. I'm very good at what I do. I have held the hands of those who are leaving and given strength to those left behind. I believe I too am a nuturer, something others have told me.

The day Mike died, my team dispatched the ambulances, I responded my husband as the job went pear shaped - full arrest. I stayed with my team in the communications room (Mike was 40mins from where I was). As we waited for news I took the calltaker who had been doing CPR over the phone out for a coffee, she was a mess.

I remember being bought back by a senior paramedic to hear those words I had heard over the air so many times, typing on the dispatch screen, CPR ceased time of death.....That day my husband rang me on a private line. He spoke softly as he call time of death 10:20am. The resus had lasted just over 55mins. They never typed the details on the job, I guess so I wouldn't see it in print.

It would be at least 2yrs before 'Mikes Mum' came to the fore. Up till then the Emergency Medical Dispatcher was all I knew.....With all I knew Mike still slipped throught my fingers.....

I already know......... When she left, she went through me.

These words give me goose bumps....I believe she passed through you letting you know she was on her way......

April 11, 2011

Lori

I had that exact same experience - Brian actually went through me. I felt an unbelievable calmness and joy. I miss-took that calmness and joy for "Oh, Everything will be alright and Brian will be OK." How wrong I was.

That calmness is what go me through that night. It NEVER entered my mind that Brian would die. We left the scene of the accident to go to the hospital - Brian died at the scene. I cannot beat myself up for that - I did for a long time.

It was not until several months later that I was able to recognize that feeling was Brian leaving his Earthly body to be an angel. Brian actually went through me.

Amazing that we felt just a glimmer of what they see all around them.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 11, 2011

Diane

The word "Trying" is now in your posts. That is great. This is the hardest thing any of us has ever and will continue to ever go through.

But "trying" is all we need right now. Keep up the good work g/f.

And, please tell us about something that made you smile today - just one thing.

I was smiling this morning just knowing that my two kids are with us and they are starting to get along again. Brian was the mediator between the Mother-hen Michelle and the Will-always-act-like-a-2-year-old - Aaron. They are starting to find their place in a fractured family.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 11, 2011

Tony,

So many of us wonder why our lives are like this. Another thing I notice is when parents are ignoring their kids. Especially the Moms that talk on the cell phone and drag their kids by one hand down the street (that is a thing with me.) I just want to stop them and remind them what they have.

Your son is with you all the time. He is part of you and your wife.

The Red-Tailed hawks are beautiful birds and have done very well in suburban and even city life. I do honestly believe that our kids are with us in spirit.

Take care my friend

Colleen

April 11, 2011

Lori - Such a heartbreaking ordeal! I don't have words to articulate how sad I am for your loss.

Sherry - I've never seen an opposum. For it to be so confrontational do you think it could have rabbies - or would it have put up more of a fight?

Colleen - Miss our visits...love the way you're sharing your experience and hope with us!

Leah - I shouldn't be surprised that your daughter wants to buy a trailor and live with her boyfriend on your property, but I am...surprised. I don't blame you one bit for saying no. Not after the stunts he's pulled.

I've been dreaming a lot about Stephanie lately, probably because it's her birthday month. The dreams are different in a sad/good sort of way. Their normal dreams. Not the dreams I had when she first died like running into her someplace and she wasn't dead. Now their just regular old silly normal dreams. I've had two dreams that I know (or believe) were visits from Stephanie...withint the first two weeks after she died. She wasn't even in the second one, just her voice, showing me and telling me how to raise and treat her children. The first one she didn't speak. She stood in front of me with a serene smile on her face. I ached to touch her, to hold her, but I couldn't and then she drifted/floated backwards, her gaze never leaving me...the same smile on ehr face. As she ascended backwards she went higher and higher and she went she became brighter and brighter until she was too bright for me to make out her features. That dream has brought me the most comfort.

Love to you all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

April 11, 2011

Sherry-We have a lot of possums in TN. One time my FIL was doing some dirt work and found a nest of babies, their mother was gone and he brought them home because he couldn't bring himself to do anything else. They looked like little mice, just uglier. My BIL was pretty young at the time and still at home, he kept them in a cage so the dogs and cats wouldn't kill them. We kept them one time while they were on vacation, and when the cable guy came, this line of baby possums marched from one side of the floor to the other, they'd gotten out of their cages. He completely freaked out! It was pretty funny. As they grew, several of them got to be too hard to handle, so he let them go in the woods, but one stayed tame for a pretty long time. Opie was his name, and when he was mad at you, he'd hiss like that. I don't think it means they have rabies necessarily, although it could. Its just all they can think of to run something off, other than playing possum and acting dead. We are starting to see armadillos around here, but never seen one that wasn't run over on the road yet. I think they're kind of like possums, only have the hard shell. Possums will eat anything they can find.

Lori-your story broke my heart again. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, and will never understand why. It must have been very hard to put that all into words and relive those terribly painful days. But I'm sure you do that all the time. But I do understand more than ever how difficult it must be to be a EMS worker at all and want to thank you and Trudi for your work in that field. When Westley's friend called to tell me she couldn't wake him, we told her to call 911. They worked on him for a long time and afterward the EMT in charge gave me his number and told me to call him if I had anything I wanted to ask him about. He knew that at the time, I couldn't form sentences hardly. He told us that they worked from the time they got there until they got to the ER, a long drive, but that in his opinion, Westley had been gone for a while before they were called. I believe him, because I know that EMTs and their support want a happy ending and to save lives. I have been in that room off and on the past week or so, in my mind replaying the whole day and trying to come up with a better ending. But it always ends the same. Peace and hugs friend, so early in the time after.

Hope everybody has as good a day as possible.

April 11, 2011

Good morning, my beautiful Indigo family: Just dropping in to say hello and that I am thinking of you all and of course, carrying you in my heart, all the way to Florida. so far my visit has been just great...seeing my sis again is always great, and my SIL is just an awesome person, so great to see her as well. Unfortunately, she does like to wait on her company, and this makes me feel uncomfortable, but it brings her joy, so I guess I will just sit back and enjoy her hostessing. The weather of course has been beautiful, though Ralph tells me that the first day I was gone it was 63 there! He texted me a picture of the last bit of snow in our yard, melting away in the sun. I read over a little, but there have been quite a few posts since I last logged on.

Trudi: So sorry that your friend is gone from this earth, and sending wishes for comfort to all of you who knew and loved him. Keeping his children in my heart with prayer.

Tony: Speaking of prayer, I too admire your tenacity in trying to keep your faith...this is a road I have traveled as well. However, just a couple of months after Mike learned that his had terminal cancer, he returned to his faith, and the wonderful courage and acceptance he exhibited to all of us is truly an inspiration to me and as my faith has always been a comfort to me, I had to learn to let it comfort me through this, as well. I do not believe that God "took" Mike, I do believe, however, that he could have saved him. I also believe however, that Mike traveled his life's road as he was meant to, and it was almost as though he was directed to be where he was when he was, at the time he had to face the end of his life. He veered from the path many times, and each time, through some unusual circumstance, he was guided back to where he started. So, in the end, he was with his family and his friends, and he was reunited, through his own wishes, with the God he grew up with, believing in, following, living in his faith. Of course, even though he walked away from his faith when he did, his "return" was only a return on his part, as we believe that God never left his side...always was with him, until that day when he was scheduled to leave. I think it was SUS (and I apologize if I am incorrect) who said once that she believed that God didn't have anything to do with "how" we died, but only that this was the time, and also that our children are truly gone before that accident, or bullet, or illness, or whatever it is that takes them from this earth...it is only their body that takes on that injury...I have to believe this...I saw the look on Mike's face as he lost the use of his legs, then some of his short-term memory, then his hands, then his voice, his sight, and he never seemed to know or be aware of any of it. I do believe that he never lost his hearing. I do believe that he heard us telling him it was okay to go...It was shortly after I held his hand and leaned over to his beautiful face and said to him "Mike, it is okay, you can go, it is okay, we love you so much" as my heart, unable to synch the words leaving my mouth with the pain that was inside of me, lurched in agony. Mike had this faith in the face of the end of his life, how can I not?

I pray everyone has a good moment today, a good memory to hold in your heart even if just for a moment...a sweet memory that will carry you to the next breath.

To all of our indigos...thinking of each of you, holding you close in thought, as always. So many to address, but my SIL is having eye surgery today and I am to drive her there and back so must go. take care all.

April 11, 2011

Hello Indigo's!

Had a relaxing time in Dallas. Concert was great. Went sightseeing around town. Had never been there (other than driving through) but I really like it.

Lori: I'm sitting here at work, crying my heart out as I read the story of your daughters. You have endured so much. You should feel blessed that Kailey "went through you". What precious gift she gave you.

I thought of all of you over the weekend. I tried to go back through and catch up but , so much has been posted. I can't remember the name of the lady that posted about her son Craig, but his story has weighed heavy on my mind all weekend.

Hoping you all find a ray of sunshine today.

Love& Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

April 11, 2011

Carol, I am glad your having a nice time.. I know I don't like to have people wait on me,(not that it happens).. but enjoy it while you can :-)

Susannah, I still can't believe my daughter would bring that man near my son. Near me, near her surving daughter, I even let her know that her daughter said if mom goes back to him, I am going to visit my dad and live with you. I pray for her to become well.. but I have an idea it will never happen. Just one of the changes I have to learn to live with.. The loss of JaBoa has changed everything.. even after all these years..

I am glad you have your dreams my friend.. I stop and think.. I quit dreaming of her.. I don't believe my dreams contain her at all, and I haven't seen her for a long time.

Betty, thank you, I do try to take care of myself. Sometimes I wonder why.. I just want to give it up.. and am so frustrated that I can't.

Lori, such heartbreak you have been through. Such grace you carry. I can't imagine what you have lived through. Your girls mean the world to you.. always will.

I remember feeling the bad feeling after I dropped of JaBoa.. knowing in my heart something was wrong.. I had parted with 4 people on the road, and never in a million years would have dreamt I lost my girl. I never even made it back home before I knew something was wrong.. still living with the guilt I let them go home.. that I didn't drive.. and yet knowing I don't have the guilt.. still thinking if I could have gotten to the accident site I could have changed something.. I could have made her live.. she wouldn't have left me.. but that is just wishes and delusions of grandeuer. I have no control over what happend any more than I have control over what happens today. I used to be brave, and loving and now I have become cowardly and cold.. how different live is.

I gotta run.. mom has an appointment in town with the dr again.. never seems to let up

hugs

April 11, 2011

Lori-----I was sad when I read your story. I so understand how your sweet Kailey went through you as

she left this world. When my baby Lisa (6 mo. old) died, she also passed through my husband as

she left. My heart goes out to you, friend.

Dee----Hope you didn't get any 'wild' weather yesterday. It was warm here ( 70's ) and quite windy,

but no damage. Those little oppossums can be quite startling when you first see them, can't they ?

Rhonda----Funny story about you BIL keeping the baby opposums. What a cute name.....'Opie'.

I saw an amadillo once, but not around here where I live......saw it on a road trip in N.Mex. or Ariz.

You are right.....they do tend to stand their ground for a time, and make a hissing sound as a warding

off tactic......then tend to retreat. My sister found a dead mama oppossum on the road near her house

once, and the mama had a baby clinging to her body in fear. My sis took it home, and tried to raise

it up enough to set free in the wild, but unfortunately, it died. She called it "Daisy", and buried it in a

tiny grave......she always adored animals of any kind.

Diane----Colleen said it well......it's the trying that can make a difference. We don't even want to try at

all, sometimes.....especially early on this road, but just tiny little 'trying' can help us to another step

forward. A small step at trying can be a big step. Peace & comfort to you.

Sus---Your trip to NYC sounds so exciting.......I'd like to go there sometime. No, I don't think that the

oppossum was rabid, but I did keep my distance in shooing her away. Haven't seen her since then,

but if she comes late at night.....then I wouldn't know she was out there. They are scavengers, and

as Rhonda says......they will eat nearly anything......even roadkill. So, as scavengers, they do a good

service to nature. The aerial baiting with rabies vaccine in small pouch-like units has been very

effective in controlling rabies. They do it every year in the summer. We're always very careful, though,

when encountering any wild animal, and usually just observe and leave it alone, and walk away.

Do you have armadillos there in WYO. ?

Peace & prayers for all the new parents here at INDIGO.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

April 11, 2011

Good Afternoon Indigos

Dee Where are you The last you mentioned a storm and maybe going to the basement I missed you saying your usual good night and good morning message. Let us know you are ok

Lori Thank you for trusting us with the heartbreaking account of the loss of your precious daughters. I too cried as I read and could also identify with the excruciating pain you experienced before hearing of the actual loss. I am glad you found us

Carol ended with " I pray everyone has a good moment today, a good memory to hold in your heart even if just for a moment...a sweet memory that will carry you to the next breath. What a beautiful loving thought thank you. Thank you for sharing Mike's faith and your touching goodbye. Stephen also had tremendous faith as well I remember he heard me complain to my sister about about God not answering my prayers for healing for him. He became enraged and berated me for not trusting God's wisdom. It was really impossible for me to answer him but in my mind and heart it was and is so hard to ACCEPT. Carol I hope the surgery goes well and that you permit yourself to be spoiled a little you definitely deserve it.. your sister does

Sherry Thanks for explaining about the rabies vaccine and how it is supplied I know NY could not do this but I wonder if other towns do . I will check with my sister about NJ. You are certainly an expert on our little critters.

Rhonda Thanks for the cute story of Opie I love these little side glimpses into our lives.

Sus I am glad you enjoyed your trip to NY Street vendors are truly NY there are ones on nearly every street, Some are illegal and must run when the police near others have a license. We also have many street people from another planet who look for money to return home Usually all it takes is a dollar so they can buy booze and take flight :rolleyes:

Colleen Thanks for your uplifting messages these days

Leah Stay strong I agree the sale would not be wise You and your life are worth it

Have a peaceful afternoon Indsigos

April 11, 2011

Leah/JaBoa's grandma >I felt the same way as you.

I kept thinking, had I been home I would have seen and known something was wrong with Kailey. I keep running through my head, I would have been able to save her, had I been there. I had always been there for her, always knew when she was getting sick. I was beating myself up over it but realize it was out of my control. How could I have been there? I was in California dealing with the death of Vanessa when Kailey died. Oh God, the pain is crippling. The pain of knowing I wasn't there for Vanessa when she died and thinking if I was, could I have saved her? Then, I wasn't there for Kailey when she died.

Where is the justice? How could I lose two children in two different States, three days apart for different circumstances? How could God not let me be there for either one?

One of my biggest guilty thought's is, I had always been there for Kailey. How sad she must have been. Because, I wasn't there, to caress her face, run my fingers through her hair, hold her hand and tell her I'm here for you. I cry, thinking how scared she must have been going through the pain, suffering. Along, with going through the steps of death without me by her side to comfort her. Sometimes, I feel she gave up because I wasn't there. I think Vanessa was by her side, telling her come with me, follow me, it's going to be okay. I feel Vanessa told Kailey, I will take you to Mom because Mom can't come to you right now. I felt Vanessa's presence when Kailey went through me. They were both there, a bright light in a dark cold room.

In the day's after they died, I kept dreaming of them. Separate dreams of each of them. But, the same dreams over and over again. They weren't together, that really bothered me. The dream's were very confusing. In my dream of Vanessa, her and I were down in the cold, dark, earth. It was like a cave but, it was very rich, dark, moist soil walls, with paths in different directions. I could even smell the rich, mineralized soil. She was a bright light that glowed and lit the way as we were trying to find our way out and back home. Vanessa kept telling me, come on Mom follow me, this way....... I would follow her but it would be a dead end. She would try and dig some and was feeling her way on the dirt walls looking for a way out. She would turn around and say, no I'm wrong, it's this way come on mom follow me. She kept looking back at me to make sure I was following her, she would give me a smile, hold her hand out towards me and say once again come on mom follow me. She would lead me to another dead end and repeat the same thing over and over again. The dream continued that way every time, many times each night, night after night for the first couple weeks after she died. When I was awake, I would think about it. I wondered, did she want me to die too? Why would she want me to follow her? Why was every path we took a dead end?

Kailey's dreams were actually nightmares! I would see her laying down on a flat brown ground or slab of some sort. It was the color of a brown paper garbage bag. That was all I could see is the color brown, every place I looked. Although, I never looked beyond Kailey. I was fixated on her, as she was on me. Her eyes were full of fear, she's looking at me with extreme desperation. She reaches up for me and her arm falls off, she tries with the other one and it falls off. She starts falling apart and her head splits open and bubbling acid and body fluids start pouring out. She starts melting away as she is jerking her body in an upward motion trying to get close to me. I'm reaching for her but there is nothing I can do. But, watch her suffering in pain as she falls apart. She is staring at me with a very piercing, heart wrenching look full of fear. In the dream she is very distressed and scared. I'm frozen and not able to help her, I'm watching her and trying to figure out what is happening? What can I do to put her back together? Make her whole again? Save her? I feel like there is more I can do, my head is racing trying to come up with something, anything to save her. My head is drawing blanks, I can't think of anything. I'm looking deep into her beautiful dark brown eyes, I don't want to blink or look away because I know when I do, she will be gone.

I had this dream (nightmare) several times each & every night for the first few weeks after she died. I figured the message in this dream meant the only way I can save her, put her broken body back together again, make her whole, is to let her go........ Even if it's a scary road for both of us. For, only in heaven can she be complete, happy, all together and free of all disabilities. I hope Vanessa wrapped her loving wings around Kailey, comforted her, protected her from the pain and suffering during her journey to freedom.

Kailey & Vanessa

Vanessa had this picture of herself, in her files. I found it while looking for a picture to display at their Memorial.

It describes her, My Angel who deeply loved Butterflies.

April 11, 2011

OH Thanks Betty, I am okay, no rain fell here, just big winds, I just have not slept well in 2 weeks and went to bed without any energy to share here. I did not sleep well again, and menopause and other things bothering me. I guess I just am unsure of what all is turning though my head but it keeps waking me and I don't see what it is really. I am so beat. I also have been super duper busy here today and so now that the kids are gone, i can write a hello to all. Hello.

Lori, only have a minute before a meeting, but I understand completely about your Girl going through you, I realy do and I cannot fathom either the breadth of your pain, but I do see the breadth of your spirit. So strong and your Girls are right there rooting you on. Go Mom, Go Mom. Loving you from their new place in this world.

Love to all,

dee

April 11, 2011

Sherry, How did your husband describe Baby Lisa going through him? I was wondering what the circumstances surrounding your Dear Lisa's passing was?

Crystal, Having Kailey go through me.... It was a precious gift, wasn't it! I didn't really think of it that way until now. It is comforting to know she came to say, Goodbye!

Rhonda, I think it's therapeutic to put my experience down in words. It's hard to talk about these things to someone face to face. Besides, I want to have a written remembrance of the details so, I will never forget the raw emotions and hopefully help someone else recognize the pain we go through is universal when we lose our children. Circumstances may be different but the raw emotional heartache is the same.

Trudi, You also went through such a hard experience when your son passed away. Your own team dispatching the call, how hard that must have been. I'm not sure if doing our job and knowing the possible outcome of our calls makes us stronger or more vulnerable? I do know my job has made me more protective and sometimes obsessive about certain things.

Colleen, That's awesome we experienced the same departing of our children's spirits going through us. I'm sure you were protected from the truth initially, because thats what needed to be done at that time. You know "everything happens for a reason" philosophy. I was actually debating on whether I should include that part of my experience or not. I'm glad I did now, glad to see someone else had the same thing happen.

Tony, I'm ecstatic to see you played in your softball tournament. If you open yourself up and believe, you will feel your son Brendan's spirit. Along with, seeing the signs he is sending you. I also struggle with seeing less then appropriate parenting. I wish they could understand the gift they have been given and cherish it beyond their own comprehensions.

To Everyone; Thank you for coming back often and seeing each other through this difficult journey. I fondly think of all of you, daily. I hope your path is made a little easer as the days pass.

April 11, 2011

Lori-Tears came to my eyes reading the story of your losing Vanessa & Kailey within days. Sometimes I am feeling sorry for myself, then I read something like that and realize others (like you) have had it tougher. I was with Ashley when she died. Although she had been hospitalized for 3 months she was recovering & beginning physical therapy when her heart rate suddenly went very high, then her heart stopped. They tried for 1 1/2 hrs to get it restarted. Of course at that point I knew it was too late. I feel guilty for not being able to save her. It is a gift that you felt Kailey & Vanessa's presence that night. I know how much you miss them, but I have to believe they are together.

I am so exhausted, can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow to get my blood tested for my Vitamin D levels. She prescribed 50000 mg per week, and now that I haven't been taking it for a few months, I really feel the difference.

Thinking of you all, wanted to respond to everyone, but think I'll try to go to bed early.

Amy/Ashley's mom

April 12, 2011

Hi everybody. I just wanted to come and say hi to everybody today. I have been thinking about you all today. My heart breaks reading your stories and knowing that there are others out there that feel the same pain I am feeling.

I felt a little stronger after playing in a softball tournament this past weekend. My team went unbeaten, we won $1,000 and I actually played pretty well considering I've lost 30 lbs. Today I decided I was going to be stronger at work and actually get some work done. I sat there in my office for four straight hours. I fought every temptation I had to get up, go outside and cry. I actually got a ton done. I thought I was doing well until 5:00 rolled around and I was ready to leave the office. I went out of my office and I have been a mess ever since. I had a complete breakdown. It was like I fought to hold it in all day and then I just erupted. I could not control myself and actually started punching our garage wall over and over again. Now I feel more broken than ever. I miss my Brendan so much and can't believe I will never see him again. How is any parent supposed to live with that reality. I am just so tired. So exhausted and so sad. Its just been a long day. I can't wait to take my pill so I can just go to sleep. That is what my world has turned into. The only thing I look forward to when I wake up in the morning is taking my pill at night so I can go to sleep. Then I know that I just have to start all over again tomorrow. What kind of life is this? We had a "perfect" life. I can't believe that was taken away from us. I miss my Brendan. Sorry for rambling. I will be going to bed soon and praying for everybody here to gain some strength.

Brendan's daddy

April 12, 2011

Tony-I feel the same way. I told my husband I "exist" now, I don't really live. I've heard it gets better after several years. It just seems so unfair. Why do some families get a lifetime of happiness, and ours was cut short early? I don't think we'll ever understand. I saw Brendan's picture in the gallery. I know how much you miss him. How is your wife doing? I've told my husband about this site, but he prefers to deal with his grief and pain on his own (not sharing it with anyone). I'm glad you were able to participate in the softball tournament. Brendan was there with you in spirit. This is a long road we're all on. At least we're able to come here & share our feelings with others who understand.

Dee-I hope you are able to get some sleep and get some energy back.

Amy/Ashley's mom

April 12, 2011

Tony: I think that sleep becomes the eternal rescue for all of us. It's been 7 years for me and I still turn to the "brief death" for a reprieve. I sometimes wish that I would go to sleep and never wake again, but obviously that is not the plan for my life's journey. So proud of you to have gotten out and played ball this weekend, as hopefully it was a nice break from what is in the forefront of your mind. It's more of a struggle to hold your emotions in during the day than it is to let them out. Just close your door at the office and cry if you need to. I have an ulcer due to the fact of trying to hold it in. Being able to hold yourself together will come. The fact that you even made it to work is a feat in itself. So cut yourself some slack. People at work will understand and if they don't...they can kick rocks. May you find some peace tonight friend.

Lori: I hope you really did take is as a "GIFT" from your baby. I would have given anything for Meg to come say goodbye to me. Kailey knew that you would be upset by not being with her, so she came to you. Cherish that forever. And it's easier said than done, but none of us should feel guilty. I know they say it's a "normal" phase of grief, but none of us is God and should not feel that anything we could have said or done would change the path that our children had to take.

I am so thankful to have you all to talk to and lean on. I look forward to talking to you and hearing what each of your shares everyday. And yes, I agree...that no matter how hard I feel my life is in dealing with this, someone always has it worse. My heart is with all of you but I do send extra hugs to Lori everyday.

Love & Light to all of you...til tomorrow

Crystal, Meg's mom

April 12, 2011

Today, Amanda's heartbeat went so low that she passed out at her doctor's office. She had been complaining of chest pains before. They called 911 and she was rushed to the hospital. Although her ekg was erratic all her blood work came back normal. She wanted to go home so THEY LET HER!! She just called me. She has to go back to her cardiologist first thing in the morning.

For those of you who don't know, Amanda is my oldest daughter. She will be 32 this year. She moved to New Hampshire (from Wyoming) with her boyfriend a little over a year ago. She was born with multiple congenital anomalies. She spent most of her first two years in the hospital. They said she wouldn't make it past one, then two...why she has lived so long remains a mystery even to the medical community...especially to the medical community.

I don't think I believe in asking for specific prayer anymore...but, I'm asking. If it's her time to go now, I'll ask for strength then.

Isn't it odd that you can live while not breathing? I refuse to allow myself to drown in fear and/or hate and/or why's, but I am in a world of "what if" right now. Depending on what the doctor says tomorrow, I will either be flying out as early as tomorrow or at least in a few weeks, if not sooner.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

April 12, 2011

Sus,

I will send strength for Amanda, great abilities to the docs and joy in your knowing that with all Amanda hasdealt with, she remains a fighter. She inherited some of that from you no doubt. Keep us posted.

The year before Erz died, was killed, I started having a sense of her not living long. These feelings would sweep over me in my waking hours and at first I just said to myself, oh comeon...but then I told my husband that I had these feelings, told my dear friend Kay, and let it be. As we got closer though, to the spring before her death in the summer of 2003, I felt it more often, more directly. I had those three nightmares through April and May and a 4th that showed me all of us at the church, me giving Erica's eulogy. In it I said, " we don't have you to bury you..."

Each of those dreams found me crying and yelling which woke both my husband and myself uup. The fourth dream found me screaming, NOOOOOO! In them I knew something was going to get ERi but I never saw what or who, just knew it was awful.

Two weeks before she was killed, I told my sisters while the three of us were together on a short vacation, that I did not feel Eri was going to live long. They both gasped, both had a hard time with that, but I told them I needed them to know.

I somehow was preparing others as I was being prepared...sometimes the messages is not pretty and yet it is as real as the day is today.

Eri's car was struck on July 8th, just a half hour after she and I talked adn laughed on the phone. A gift to be sure. It was a Tuesday just two days after her surprise visit to our house bringing with her two new Michiagan friends. Another gift. So many little pieces of gold that glimmer even when my eyes are swollen adn blurred, a golden hue washes up from the tear-spattered eyes letting me see once again, all that was pure magic and beauty as the events played out.

Remember the old Eskimo saying:

No matter what kind of living organism,

no matter if it lived a short time

or a long long time,

each living thing on this earth lived a full life.

Each living thing lived its full circle.

April 12, 2011

Today was the first day I went to work with greasy hair, I used to take showers everyday fix my hair and were makeup. I do not know this person I look at in the mirror anymore. I had a lady ask me at work when I was going to wear makeup again I thought who cares maybe never again I don't know.I had my grandson this weekend he was so hard to watch I just do not have energy anymore he is 14 months old I love him so much, when I cried he cried with me he gave me hugs and a little laughter this weekend, I am now home getting ready for bed took my sleeping pill looking forward to sleeping all night. I feel sometimes I could go to sleep and not wake up I even pray about it but I always wake up. I just want to see my shane so bad I have a picture of him on my phone somedays I cant look at it. My heart will ache for him to see him to be able to say goodbye I love you so shane. Life sucks so much the 15th is on a friday this time I am terrified he went out on a friday and never came home. I am sorry if I am skipping around so much just cant think. Well thanks for letting me talk night to all. Goodnight shanes mom...

April 12, 2011

greasy hair, no make-up and really, that is the way most of we women dealt with the days that found us needing to work but having zero energy for such things as how we looked. When someone asks when do you think you are going to wear make-up again, it just shows the profound lack of understanding of those around us, further draining us of energy. They just don't get it, we don't want them to understand fully, but really, can you see the grief on one's face enough to not ask really unimportant questions. Maybe instead a coworker could ask: Are you getting any sleep these days? or Is it hard to go home after work? STart a friggin dialogue with us folks, we want to tell parts of our story if it really is going to be listened to. When we share our story, it doesn't make it lighter, but it does allow that release and it infers that someone else wants to walk along with us. Oh boy do we need to teach about grief in this country.

Sorry, my rant. Sherry, not having the energy for the grandboy is also not unusual. You love him of course, he brings joy to your heart, but the heart as it is now, is in pieces, and so is your energy. It will repair, it will. Eventually you will glue pieces back together again, not like before, but new, and the scars will be the seams of your deep love for Shane.

April 12, 2011

Tony,

Please do not feel bad about punching, crying, sleeping and just being exhausted.

My personal experience is crying is like a pressure valve. I can hold it in only for so long until I cry - sob is more like it.

After that, I do feel better. You are too soon in this loss to feel good about much at all, but the time will come.

You are doing all the right things - talking to others, getting out of the house and trying to get some work done. How is Michele doing?

Shane's Mom - Well, that statement belongs in our virtual book "OH NO YOU DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT". My response - I will wear makeup when I am darn good and ready. WOW

Lori - I really loved your story and you are such a wonderful addition to our virtual family. Many of us think we "ramble" when we tell our story on this site. Well, that is not the case. When we read your posts, each of us identifies with different aspects of the post.

When Brian was killed, many thought Mike (the driver) should not have been charged in his death. Many parents and fellow students in the community abandoned us. We only see a very few of Brian's close friends. It is really a hard situation, but one we have learned to live with.

Love to all my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 12, 2011

Susannah,

I know you don't want specific prayers at this point, but I don't know what else to do. My heart is already broken yet it is breaking for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts.

Well everybody, today is my 35th Birthday. Should be a happy day right? Well, I think I am off to my worst morning in quite some time. I kept waiting for Brendan to run into my room with his homemade present and card. Then I would get my big hug and he would snuggle up in bed with me. My Brendan loved holidays and birthdays so much. People keep telling me to enjoy "my" day. Do it for Michele and Jackson. I think things like that are so easy for people to say. How can I enjoy my Birthday without Brendan here. I am just falling apart. I thought I was getting a little stronger this past weekend only to fall to rock bottom again yesterday and today. I hate this "new" life that everybody says I have now. I want my old life back. I want my Brendan back. That is the only thing that will make this birthday worth anything.

Thanks to all of you for asking about how my wife is doing. She is obviously pretty down as well. She does not cry as much as I do and she is much stronger for our son Jackson than I am. She does have post traumatic stress from the accident. She was there when it all happened so she really can't go outside in our yard anymore. It is hard to be so depressed myself and not know how to help my wife and son. I can't even take care of myself. How am I supposed to take care of anybody else? I hate this new life. I hate feeling this way. I am so tired of this. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up so the pain goes away. I just miss my son.

Brendan's daddy

April 12, 2011

Good morning all,

I wanted to encourage the new parents let you know I am 7 months on this grieving journey we were all forced to be on. My spirit is starting to lift and feel joy again, I don’t cry every day, and my anger has somewhat settled down to where I can see the positive in things again.

If you're still enough you will feel the hands of God upon you holding you tight during the dark moments. Your child is surrounding you with many memories and signs that aids the emptiness and longing to see them.

I pray that everyone has some sort of peace today <HUGS>

April 12, 2011

Tony-I know that this will not be a happy birthday for you, my first one last year without Westley was really hard. Every-days are not easy, but they are easier for me than special days, or at least days that used to be special and now are only harder because I know he is gone. I had a day like your's yesterday at work, where I didn't cry all day long because I was busy, and then I exploded last night. That we watched Toy Story 3, a tearjerker for everybody so I've heard, didn't help. At the end of it, I couldn't stop crying and had to just go get in the shower to cry. Everybody is different in the way they handle this, and its so hard to find your way especially in the early months. Just getting through one minute at the time seems to be a monumental task, something that people who haven't been through it have no way of understanding. You and Michelle and Jackson are on my heart today as you find your way through. I wish you peace, even just a moment hopefully will be enough to keep you going.

Crystal-Mini anniversaries were/are really hard for me. I'm glad you are doing so good so soon. Those good days will help if the black hole opens up again and invites you to jump in and stay a while. I still do that sometimes, but I think its just part of the process, and know that it is possible to have joy again from all the friends here who have been here longer than me.

Susannah-I know that phone call scared the pants off of you. I hope that Amanda's drs will figure out what is causing this and be able to deal with it.

Amy-I do so wonder why we were chosen to have our happiness cut short. I wonder if it is something I did/didn't do that caused it all. I don't know if its scarier to think that is true or that everything is random and happens for absolutely no reason. And I wonder that I didn't realize when I had happiness...that I had it. There is so much to think about when something like this happens to you, that it blows my mind sometimes. Hell, all the time.

Dee-I worried myself sick over Westley, but I don't think I knew ahead of time like you did. I believe it would have driven me insane. Your dreams sound so vivid. I hope you were able to get some good sleep. We had terrible rains and wind, but today is bright and clear.

ShanesMom-I wish I could say I can't believe somebody would ask you when you're going to wear makeup again, but that would be a lie. People will say the first thing that comes to their minds, its like people don't have an internal filter anymore that tells them that what they're about to say is neither helpful nor necessary. We are barely breathing, makeup is not high on the list of priorities right now. I'm glad you could cry with your grandbaby. Mine is old enough that it bothers her for me to cry, and she asks why, so I try not to cry when she's around. I hope you got some sleep too, it helps me or at least it seems to.

April 12, 2011

Happy Birthday Tony

We know this is a tough day for you. This new life really sucks. Brian's 17th birthday was 23 days after he died. That was the 2nd worst day of my life. My family ran away to my SIL and I sat in the truck and cried and cried.

This new life really sucks - but - with time - the edge becomes softer and more light is allowed into our hearts.

Also, do not listen to those people at work that tell you "You should do this and You should do that" Until they walk in our shoes, they know nothing.

This type of loss takes several years to get your feet back under you. But, because I had this site, I feel at the 2 year 10 month mark, I am doing OK. Still sad, still miss my boy and still cry. But the loss does not dominate my thoughts anymore and I can smile at the happy times with Brian - Before everything was sad.

Take care my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 12, 2011

Susannah.. I am thinking of you and Amanda.. hoping and yes praying that you both find strength in this.. She is a powerful young woman, kinda like her mom and I hope nothing but the best for the both of you... ((HUGS))

Tony.. Happy Birthday, I realize that the joy in today is scarce, but remember the good times and know he is watching over you.. I truly believe our angels watch out for us

Dee.. I hope you find your strength, your in my thoughts and prayer always.

Last night my 14 year old grandson brought me a picture he had drawn. I was surprised, as he has never shown any interest of art. It was a picture of JaBoa, he tried to make it look like one of the photos in the house.. he told me it wasn't very good.. and I told him it was beautiful..and I could see JaBoa in it.. (just when I think everybody has forgotton her, something happens).. I put it on my fridge and am proud of the drawing.

I have heard through the grapevine that JaBoa's mom is trying to get people to talk me out of the way I feel toward her boyfriend. I have had several phone calls concerning the matter, but I am not swayed to change my mind.. I ask each person why should I give up any peace of mind so he can continue to abuse my loved ones. JaBoa's mom is an adult, I can't choose who she loves, and even though I may lose her and my grandson for a time, I can't give her my blessings to continue a relationship that is so harmful.. If she wants a life with him, she has to find her way.. I am not giving it.

I wish all of you a peace filled day.. again thankful I have this site to come to, so sorry that you have to be here, but so glad we have each other to share with

April 12, 2011

Tony said this: I am just falling apart. I thought I was getting a little stronger this past weekend only to fall to rock bottom again yesterday and today. I hate this "new" life that everybody says I have now. I want my old life back. I want my Brendan back. That is the only thing that will make this birthday worth anything.

Tony, the thing is, falling apart is the norm for right now, and the fact that you felt stronger last weekend is a sign, a clue that you will feel that sense again one day, it was like spring, we get a tease of spring, and then it snows or is gloomy day after day, but eventually, spring shows itself again. This will take longer however than a season, or even 4, it will take time and understanding to get through this first year learning about why grief makes us do the things we do. But three steps forward and two back or even four back is still forward movement, you are not stagnant, you are moving. I almost want to urge you and your family to seek some family counseling so as to avoid that sense of being separate from each other. I know that we( husbands, wives, other children) are separate in may ways in our day to day, and our issues play out differently, but families are extremely fragile when a child dies, so perhaps having someone to help with those tenuous connections...

Rhonda, I did have very scary dreams that spring, each time it was something awful but I could not see it, could not see its form but felt the terror as I watched it about to get ERi. It was extremely frightening, but what could I do with it? Nothing, no way to try to avoid something without a time stamp or enough details to avoid. I have lately had some ominous feelings again, don't know why, but sleeping poorly as dreams keep me popping awake fairly startled but without knowing why. Menopause too, keeping me wide awake and HOT! Oh well, we move forward.

I am almost 55/ so twenty years your senior Tony. I could easily be your Momma, and I wish I could lend you a set of arms to wrap around you and a wide shoulder for your tears. They need to flow Dear One. May this Birthday offer you some solace in knowing that you are loved by those earthbound and heavenbound.

April 12, 2011

Sharon, I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time. I understand how hard it is to force myself up and get to work. I have gone many times with greasy, messy hair since my girls died. As a matter of fact.. most of my hair has fallen out from the stress! Soon, I won't have any hair to take care of! I've always fixed my hair up nice and get highlights. I just don't care anymore. I take whats left of it, twirl it up into a clip. It looks hideous! I've gotten comments at work, I don't listen to them. I honestly don't care what anyone says that is negative, I let it roll off my back. Taking care of a 14 month old, does take a lot of energy! It doesn't matter who you are, toddlers are work! I hope you have some comfort today.

Tony, Sending you Happy Birthday wishes, even though it's of little comfort. I'm heartbroken for you, really! I think about you and your family everyday. I know you want to go to sleep and never wake up but, you can't! I'm sorry! You do have to stay strong and take each minute, hour, day, week, etc. at a time. All of us do! This is a roller coaster of emotions we are on, its not fair! We didn't want this, but we were chosen to take this ride. This is what helps me stay strong, I think... if we die then our loved ones, other children, parents, siblings, friends who ever... is going to feel and go through what we are going through. Why would we purposely put anyone else through the heartache we are going through? Well, that's what keeps me going anyway. I wouldn't want anybody I love, to ever have to suffer the way I am now. Just imagine your Mom or Dad on this same board saying, I loss my Son and Grandson. I feel for you, myself and everyone here. BTW, I've never hit a wall before this happen, but did beat one up a couple weeks ago.

Dee, Thank you for all that you do! I look forward to your posts. Your an inspiration to us, that are new to this journey.

Susannah, I feel the same way about you as Dee! I'm so sorry to hear about Amanda! It bought tears to me, reading your post. I couldn't help but think about my dear Kailey and all I went through when she was born. I spent years in the hospital with her and watched her endure so many struggles trying to live. I completely understand what your going through now. I don't pray these day's but send you lots of love and strength, my friend!

Colleen, Thank you! I did feel bad about my LLLOOONNNGGG posts. I'm glad everyone understands here. I have so much I want to write, so many stories! I usually write in journals but, am having a hard time doing that now. B/C Vanessa wrote journals just like me, starting when she was around 12. I've been reading some of her early ones and find some comfort in them. Her last journal, which was sitting on her nightstand when I got to her house, I picked it up and skimmed through it. I'm glad I did, I read how much she loves her family and misses us and can't wait to move home. She wrote her journals as if they would be read someday. I took all her journals home with me after she died. I'm glad I did because, her boyfriend didn't let me have her stuff when I went back to get it. Anyway, Her Boyfriend who stayed with me during the funeral actually STOLE her latest journal's (about 5 years worth of her life) and took them back to CA with him! I am so heartbroken over it! Especially, since they were only together for less then 2 years. So for now it's easer to write on here then it is in a book.

Crystal, Thank you for the extra hugs!

Vanessa loved Turtles! In fact I have two of her pet turtles that she asked me to watch for her and never came to take them back. Anyway, yesterday I was standing out by the lake behind my house and all of a sudden... Turtles starting coming over toward me from every direction! There were around 15 of them but one in particular came right up to me and stayed around. A sign from her?

April 12, 2011

Edit

April 12, 2011

Tony: HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know that its hard to face just a regular every ordinary day, much less a "special" day. But I hope that you will find one good thing about today that will stand out for you. Light a candle on your cake and make the wish for Brendan. Not a wish for him to come back to life, as we know that can't happen...but make the wish FOR him, as in send him a happy thought for the day. Then chose another candle and make a wish for Michele and then another for Jackson. By the time you come around to your candle, you will have four precious wishes towards a better day. I know it sounds corny, but I hope it helps. I also agree with Lori, that you might want to consider counseling. It will help you figure out ways to deal with your own grief while also show you how to help Michele and Jackson. Instead of falling apart at the seams, you will have eachother to cling to. Just throwing that out there. I'm no brilliant person, but I think it would add more sorrow to lose the rest of your family but pulling away.

Lori: When I read that Vanessa's boyfriend stole her diary's I just wanted to reach out and poke him in the eye. (actually something worse, but I know that this is a place of healing not violence.) It seems odd that he would want them. Maybe there was something in there that he didn't want found out about himself. I am much like you, I usually write in journals all the time, but have found it hard to do for quite awhile. Something that I learned from counseling though, regarding journaling during the early parts of healing is to buy a new journal and start writing in it from the back. That way you are always moving forward (literally and hypothetically). It seems weird at first, but once you start doing it that way, it's like...wow I have come along way since then. And if you feel that you were having too dark of thoughts in the earlier times you don't have to be confronted with your own thoughts and writings because they are in the back of the book. Just a thought.

To all the Indigo's, I send out all the good energy I have to you and yours. I hope we all find something that adds a glimmer of hope to our day.

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

April 12, 2011

Karen, I am so proud of you to have given her her walking papers. Unfortunately, many women return to the abuser and it usually ends up badly. I am sorry that she took those steps back to him. Leah, I stand with you in your not wanting or allowing him on your property. Daughter can move out with him if that is what she is going to do, but not infect the rest of the house with him. Right On to you both for standing your ground.

Lori, I can't stand that that boyfriend took the journals...was there something in them he was afraid of your knowing? I love the turtles visiting with you, and yes, YES, that was a sign. Turtles are shy creatures, I love them too, but they are not ones to just come forward to hang out. How lovely.

April 12, 2011

Karen, Leah - You go girls. It is sad to me that those women go back to an abuser, but they will only leave when they are ready. Your "ready" came before theirs. Keep stong my friends

Lori - There are others on this site that had your same experience. A b/f or g/f taking or destoying their child's belongings. That is really cold, but you are not alone. He only got 2 years of her life, you got the other 19 years!!!

My son was too young for that. He did have a g/f and she also thought Mike should not have been charged in Brian's death. So sad.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 12, 2011

Crystal - Ashlee's Mom

Good for you, the little light is starting to shine through.

For me, the sunshine was later than that - about a year. At my 8th month mark, I was still trying to exhale and not inhale. (Did you know that your body will not allow you to do that, you pass out first.)

As time goes on, the little light will stay longer and become brighter. We will still want to curl up in the fetal position and cry, but those sessions become farther and farther apart.

I am so proud of you. Please do not bumm-out if you take 10 steps backward. That will happen, but the recovery gets quicker each time.

You are an inspiration to us - Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

April 12, 2011

Dee – Thanks for the support. It is sad some women have no capabilities when it comes to these types of relationships. Though part of me is also angered by the way some use the system to only run right back. I am saddened at the loss of a friend but sometimes there is a price for peace.

Colleen - Thank you too for the support. I'm sorry Brian's gf wasn't supportive of the actions to punish the irresponsibility of the driver. I know what you mean about the breathing.

Crystal (Megs Mom) – Thank you for the laugh, I just had a strong visual picture of us all poking the jerk in the eye. Thank you too for sharing your wise words of advice; I love your positive energy.

Lori – I’m so sorry Vanessa’s journals were taken from you. How dare he! I agree there’s a whole lot of strange going on with that guy.

So I have to share a story which is a little creepy but really cool at the same time. It was shared with me earlier and honestly I almost cried at what I took as the strength of a mother. A friend of my niece lives up in a wooded area and sometimes has an issue with mice. Last night she was awoken by a noise. She jumped up, put on the light, and discovered the noise was coming from one of her dresser drawers, which had been left partially open. Inside the drawer was a mother mouse giving birth. The mouse startled and ran off leaving a few of her new babies behind. The friend closed the drawer and tried to find the mother everywhere but had no luck. She finally decided she needed to get to bed. When she woke up this morning she went to the drawer to check on the babies and they were gone. She started to look around the dresser and noticed a hole chewed open in the back. Apparently the mother came back and couldn’t get back into the drawer so she chewed a hole, got in, and got her babies.

I guess the power of a mother crosses all breeds.

April 12, 2011

Lori----I read with sadness, about your dreams of Vanessa and Kailey. Yes....dreams can be so very confusing .

Baby Lisa died many years ago. She had a cold and was congested, but nothing serious. We had taken her to

the Dr. a couple days before. She vomited......aspirated (inhaled) the vomitus, and went into siezures. We rushed

her to the hospital 6 mi. away by car ( no 911 at that time ). She developed pneumonia due to foreign substance

in the lungs, and lasted 24 hrs. when she died of cardiac arrest. After being admitted thru the ER, we were told

that we should go home and rest.....(my mom and dad stayed at the hospital )....We took sedatives.....my husband's

worked and he went into a deep sleep. My sedative had no effect on me, and I lay awake. Later, my parents came

to our house to tell us that Lisa had died. It was a couple days later that my husband told me of his feeling that

Lisa 'passed through him' at about the time she was on her way to heaven. He said that he had a feeling of extreme

peace and well-being that he had never felt before. We did not have any of those moments when Davey died......it

was 1:40 p.m. when he died........we were out of town for the day, and only found out about the horrific highway crash

after we returned home......He was already gone 2 hours when we got the terrible visit from the Highway Patrol.

I love the pic of Vanessa.....so cute.

Carol----Thanks for the "good moment today"......writing ----so true, and uplifting.

Betty----The aerial baiting with the rabies vaccine is effective, and done only in rural areas/forests, from my understanding.

In more populated areas, I believe the baits are distributed by hand by rangers and trained personnel.

Tony-----I'm glad that you played in the softball tournament. What you described about working in your office---geting a lot done,

and then having a meltdown after work is something I believe many of us here have had happen to us. It happened to me

when I worked at the library......seemed OK all day, then a meltdown after getting off work. I wish you peace & strength, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

April 12, 2011

Karen, I too get kind of fed up with those who need help and get the help and then return to the same old thing, but it is an addiction I believe, being with abusive partners, and like heroin and crack, kills many. I also agree that there is sometimes a big price to pay for decency and trust. Glad that you hare mobile again, cool.

Oh Sherry, I remember your Lisa Story but to read it again makes my heart ache for you and your Hubby.

My friend Kris is dealing with a sick newborn right now and I am so worried. Her Boy was born on the 6th, today they are meeting with a surgeon as the baby spent last night in the hospital due to dehydration. Can't eat and now they think there is a blockage. This has got to be hard on my friend and her husband, so prayers please for them.

Sus, any news of Amanda today?

April 13, 2011

Dee----- Sending prayers for Kris & her husband as their little newborn boy is ill in the

hospital. I do hope that there is not some sort of blockage. Is he a preemie ?

I'll pray hard for the poor little angel. Thanks for your kind words, friend.

Sherry

April 13, 2011

I was trying to post a pic of Lisa........

Sorry----that the pic did not come through.......it said that this type of file

was not permitted......it was a JPEG file .............Oh well......maybe some other

time I can succeed......I'm not very good at posting pics. :angry:

Sherry

April 13, 2011

I'm going fishing at Lake of the Ozarks this weekend. I used to always take the boys fishing on their birthdays individually so they could have my undivided attention.

I think it made them feel special. Anyway with Bs birthday coming up I thought I'd go again and maybe I'll feel special.

Here's my video that probably has a few of the trips on them.

Greg

April 13, 2011

Hello Indigo's, Thank you all for your prayers and good thoughts.

My Amanda. I don't even know what to say. Turns out she didn't have a heart attack. She has a heart of gold and would give anyone the shirt of her back. But, I don't always know when she is telling me the exact truth. I already know that all the physical things that are wrong with her are truth, but she has been known to exaggerate or minimize exactly what is happening with her. I once got a call from her that she was in a roll over and it wasn't a big deal and she just had a cut on her leg. Well, the truth was it was a big deal and they were life flighting her to Salt Lake. She also once claimed to be pregnant, which was absolutely impossible and totally false. I just never know how to take what she says. I buy into it each time. Today she said it turns out she has blood clots in her legs and they put her on kumatin (sp?) and the clot was the cause of yesterday's scare. Does that make sense? That doesn't make sense to me.

So be it. I am still flying out for a few days in May. Gary is looking at his work schedule tomorrow to make sure he can play Mr Mom from the 2nd through the 6th. I'll fly into Manchester, rent a car and stay in Rochester. While there I want to drive to meet Carol and Ralph and spend time with Karen. Gary and I decided I needed to do this for me. He is so supportive!

Tony - I'm so sorry you have to face today without your son. It is like adding salt to the wound. My birthday is just 43 days after Stephanie's angel date. That first birthday was anything but happy. I did the best I could for the kids and Gary.

Geeze, It took me almost an hour to type to y'all about Amanda...trying to speak the truth without committing character assasination against my daughter....and, now I can't remember who said what. My computer's at the computer doctor and I'm using Gary's slower than molasis laptop...so I'm not even going to attempt to scroll down and read more.

I'm drained right now. I went to bed scared to death but saying "Thy will be done". The scare may not have been justified but my body/emotions did not know that. I love you all and will try to catch up tomorrow. I'll let you all know when I confirm my flight tomorrow. I would love to meet as many in that area as possible while I'm there. The whole state of New Hampshire would fit in Wyoming three times, maybe four. I told Gary I will feel guilty going without them and he told me to feel good and guilty now so I can enjoy my trip later. Did I mention how wonderful he is?

Prayers to all of you

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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