Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmomrs]

wow! quiet board today...everyone must be getting ready for Easter...

{{{{{{Rhonda, Sharon}}}}}} (Rhonda, CJ is blessed to have you in his life. Westley is very proud of you, I'm sure.)

Sus: safe journey, my friend, you take a piece of my heart with you...

Dee: You were so kind to the waiter, I am sure he will always remember that...you've made it a pleasant memory of your kindness.

Sherry: Are you having any of the little ones for Easter?

Trudi: Hope you had a good day!

I posted earlier, but i wanted to post these pics I found...all from Easters gone by in time, but still in memory and fortunately, photos...

1st---Cathi and Kim in 1970, just before we moved to OMaha...

2nd---yes, mike, that big pink bunny was pretty scary!!!

3rd---Kameron giving Jamie a kiss, 1999...they still really close buddies!

4th---Mike and Cathi on Guam, 1980..I made the orange island shirt for Mike,he would never let me give it away...still have it... and

5th--Notice the "heart" hairline in Damon's picture...so cute!

[ericasmom]

It has been a quiet day here Carol, wondered for a time if the site was down but realized too, that Easter plans have folks busy. I made two key-lime pies tonight to take to John's cousin tomorrow, I will make a big fruit salad in the morning. The photos are great Carol, so adorable. That bunny is scary, I played a bunny once on Easter morning at the Ambassador West Hotel in downtown Chicago. I was 17 and very excited in 1973 to be making $50.00 for standing around handing out chocolate eggs to the upper crust Chicagoans and theatre folk on Easter morning. My sis, MaryAnne was the secretary for catering at the time, and when they were looking for someone willing to hold 20 lbs. of candy while wearing a very hot bunny suit, she thought of me. Unfortunately, they could not find the giant basket for me to hold so gave me a friggin cornucopia and filled it with eggs. The cornucopia was enormous and weighed at least 20 lbs alone...Funny memories. Remember Morticia from the Addams Family,(Carolyn Jones), she sat in booth #1, I could not stop staring at her. My little brush with fame. John McGiver was there as well...anyhow, fun. When Erz and Jon were little the bunny hid plastic eggs outside and they looked for them in the morning, just loved watching them compare eggs, and they could not go get those until they found their baskets.

So hoping that everyone in the storm paths are well...Dan? Sonya? Greg? Bonnie? We have heard from others from last weeks storms in NC, so just wanting to hear from the others.

Lynn, are you well?

Sherry so glad to see you today, was wondering how you were. Hope getting away was good.

[crystalann]

Hello all,

Had a long day to day.My daughter Tiffany and the baby Lil Will came today.Gave him his Easter basket early so she could be here.Let him have his first peeps!

Right after Tyler died someone put a cross up next to

my moms driveway it even has his name on it. I felt like he was being left out of Easter this year.I went and got a stuffed duck,dyed eggs,and plastic eggs all with messages from all of us.Found an Easter egg tree my mom had years ago.Plus solar lights due to the candles people left being broke.We all went together and put all the things we got for him at the cross.Thats really all we have right now till we do something else.So today brought joy and great sadness.It is raining now so I hope all the things are alright.

Love to all,Crystal

[crystalann]

pics from today Lil Will loved the peeps!

[andy88]

Good Morning Indigos!

Crystal, I love your decorations!

Yes, I would like to know that all NC peeps (get it, Easter? Peeps?) are doing ok as well!

So far, today isn't as bad as I had imagined it would be. Although I will so miss cooking a nice dinner for my boy. Instead I'm having dinner with my cousin and uncle at his retirement community. That should be kind of fun. I've also heard from several of Andy's friends this morning, and that really helped. I love those kids and am so grateful that they have stayed in touch. It makes all the difference. I'm planning to spend some time at the cemetery today. I bought Andy some Easter flowers a few days ago and today I think I'll add a nice balloon. I miss my boy so much. Happy Easter baby!

Love and blessings to all,

Pam

[crystalann]

Morning all, I didnt see the pic of Lil Will this morning. I will try again I hope you all have a good day.

Love to all, Crystal

[shorty16]

Happy Easter my friends.

Thinking of all of us. Our kids would have been with us today.

Sending prayers to all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[crystalann]

Ok I tryed three times to share the pic of Lil Will. I hope you all can see it.I cant might be the phone thing again!

Love to all,Crystal

I tryed another one this time..New rocking horse I spoil him

[ericasmom]

May the day offer up some sort of spiritual quiet in your souls, may you know that our Kids are with us as best they can be...they will always love us as we love them.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi everybody. Happy Easter. I have been off line for a while just trying to get myself in a little better shape. Maybe I was just trying to prepare for this first Easter without my Brendan. Last night was rough. We colored Easter eggs without him. This was something he loved so much. We went by Brendan's best friend's house last night and there were a lot of kids there. It was easier to color eggs there than here at home. I don't think I could have handled coloring eggs at home a looking at his empty chair. This morning has been rough. Jackson hunting for eggs without his big brother there to help him. Then it was off to church for a really nice Easter Mass. Then I just had to get out and spend an hour or so with Brendan at the Cemetery. I brought him flowers, an Easter basket and an American Flag. Then I read him another chapter of the gook Alvin and the Chipmunks the Squeekwell. I asked him over and over again if he is having a great time in Heaven? Is he so happy in Heaven that he would not come back here even if he had the chance. I hope and pray that this is true. I hope and pray that he is having the best Easter ever up in Heaven. I just miss him so very much. I feel like I am slowly dying inside. Sometimes I think that I am hoping that to be true.

I hope you all find some happiness today. Happy Easter. I will be thinking about all of you.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[charsng1234]

I sit in this house with so much emptines how could one person fill so much space? My life is so sad now I dont want to go to work but I dont want to be here alone with my thoughts. I lit a candle for shane today I put infront of his shrine I made for him. It has his ashes on it. I just feel so empty inside dont like this feeling its always there. And tony I know how you feel I had my family call me and wish me a happy easter I could not say it back. I went on shanes facebook and told him only today. I also feel like i am dying or already dead inside. I am sorry I am such a downer today wish I felt different hope everyone else is doing good today enjoy your family's.. Shanes mom/sharon

[shorty16]

Tony and Sharon,

This year of firsts without our children is like being lost in another world. The feeling of emptiness and sorrow is so prevelent the first year. Be kind to yourself. It is OK that you feel this way. I, for one, felt just like you do now. Lost, hollow and just wanted to die. The only thing that kept me alive, in the beginning of this journey, was the thought that I could not bring this same horrible feeling to my other children and husband.

Please, Please try to remember, this feeling does not last forever.

Sharon, I know you do not want to go to work, but going to work forces you to think of something else other than the loss of our children. Work gives our brain a reprieve from the constant movie replaying in our heads.

Also, Tony, you are coming up on the time when the shock of the loss begins to wear off and reality is slapping you in the face (4-5 months for me). That is why this pain feels like it is getting worse and not better. - That too will pass, with time and alot of work.

You are not alone in this pain. We are here with you. We are here to prove to you that we can survive the loss of our children. It is a different life. A life where we have to find out who we have become, because of the loss of our children.

You are not alone. We are here with you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Hello Dear Indigos

I have been reading but unable to post for a few days. I loved all the pictures Lorrie Carol, what special memories.

Carol, Ralph Sharon, Sus and Amanda's meeting How special and how envious I am You guys Just brought the BI connection one step further. Wonderful

Tony, Sharon, Lori, Diane for the first few years I could not truly celebrate any Holiday. Coming here reading seeing how each of us recreated ourselves after our devastating loss encouraged me to seek new ways to do each Holiday.

Colleen you are giving very positive reassurances for our new Indigos . I now remember the past wonderful rememores, honor them, and then move into this current moment and try to see what constructive action I can do to stay in the day and honor life and Stephen's memory. I do believe that I see each of our new people doing that and although it does not feel great eventually it will feel OK and peaceful Like Dee has wished us A spiritual peace.

In the tradition of changing traditions I have not had an Easter Hat since I was a child

I purchased one for this Easter and would like to share it. It made me happy although I can still see the sadness in my eyes.

Have a Good evening Indigos

[andy88]

So I have a question for those of you who are a couple years or more into this...do you ever actually feel glad to be alive again? I just can't wait to die so I can be with Andy. I couldn't care less about my job either, even though I have to so I have a means of support. I need to know that someday I will actually want to be here. I'm trying really hard to be positive but life still pretty much stinks. Guess I'm having holiday blues today. Thanks!

Pam

[dwsmithrn]

yes, indigos, it is easter sunday....i'm afraid i don't have anything i feel like celebrating....i am happy and proud of you who do, celebrate, that is..on many levels....maybe some day i will feel a celebration of sorts.....i did nothing today, but stay in my bed and cry for my boy....i miss him too much...too much to think about anything else.....my friend came by and took me for a ride, then ice cream....we just rode around town and talked. she's a good friend..knew i must be down and needed a change of scenery and a friend....she's nothing but good... glad i have her....glad i have all of you, too. i know from reading your posts, that some day, some how, some where, there is something out there, other than this constant sadness that overtakes my body, mind, soul and heart....something worth living for.....something that will make my heart smile....it's out there, i know...i read and wonder where you found it and how you found it....i have to have something inside of me that will find life again....i have to believe you when you say you laughed, or you took a trip and had fun, or you celebrated something good....i have to know that you are still here, among us, trying to let us know that you KNOW what 'this' feels like and you have been here, and are still here, you have just figured out a way to keep going, somehow....i need to believe that one day, i, too, will find that something that will keep me going. if not now, soon....i fear, if i don't, i will lose my mind....my heart is so broken and my family still, is not understanding my grief in a way that makes me or them, comfortable. and that hurts, too. i try to tell them it takes a long, long, long time. my daughter tells me she will have to learn to be patient, but then she doesn't come around much....my one son, doesn't call very much. the one at the beach calls some, but his wife calls very often...she is kind and patient and seems to understand more than anyone. one sister is good about it, the other steer clear. my mom is good, but is very sad because i am very sad. it's hard for her. my husband is a gem....my rock. i am not very good at anything. i am pretty much useless now. i don't what to do.....i am missing my son....and that's all i think about....i burst into tears about every 10 minutes. and wake up between 'naps', in tears....some days i can eat a little, and other days, i don't want to eat anything. i don't like myself right now, and somedays i get mad because nathan did this to me....yet, i love him so much....what am i supposed to do...i can't live like this much longer. i told my husband this last night and all he said, is "you have to.....you have to"....i know what he means....i do have to....but it is too hard to even get up in the morning.....i don't want to. but, i do...and then another day comes and goes. and another day, and another, ever so slowly......my life is based on how many days my child has been gone. how many weeks, how many months....when can i see him again......yet, here are my living children, right here....my grandchildren, my husband, and its as if, i don't care, but i do...of course i love them, but i can't seem to feel....i feel like i look right through everything and everyone, but i don't mean to....it just happens....

sorry, i am babbling......i will go and let you enjoy what's left of your Easter Sunday.....

diane

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Easter has always been one of my favorite holidays, but not this one! Today is absolutely a horrible day! It's so hard not having my family together. I was looking forward to spending the morning with my little ones (even though I knew it would be sad) but my JERK of a husband screwed that up for me! I am so very, very mad at him! Some of my anger is probably displaced... But, none the less, if I could have hit him up side the head with a frying pan, I would have! He really upset me! He didn't come get me when the kids got up, nor did he have them come get me. He let them open their Easter Baskets and enjoy everything without me! He knows how much I enjoy seeing the happiness on their faces when they get their easter baskets and toys. He was extremely selfish! His reply was "I didn't think it mattered to you!" He knows how important the kids are to me and the only thing pulling me through the losses of Vanessa & Kailey are my other children. Why would I go to the store buy all the Easter stuff, put the baskets together and display them for the kids to find in the morning if "it didn't matter to me?" What is he thinking? He didn't even take pictures, which I always do! Why would he want to hurt me more then I'm already hurting?

To top my anger off, I had to work today. I've used up all of my vacation time. I didn't have to go to work until 11:00 and was glad I was going to be able to spend the morning with Addie & Dominick. Every Easter my neighbors and us put on a big easter egg hunt. It is spread through 6 or 7 of our yards, we close the street off and let the kids go to town. The kids love it! This year... I knew I was going to miss it, due to work. That's the other reason why this morning was so important to me. So, basically I missed, A Family Easter Dinner, Our Easter Egg hunt, Spending time with my neighbors and friends, Easter Morning, seeing the excitement of the kids faces when they got their easter baskets! Then I have the pain of grieving knowing Vanessa and Kailey will never be a part of our Easter celebrations again. This Day Sucks!

On another note, My Husband and I went to counseling this past week. I'm not sure if I like the therapist. She is one of those who look at their watch every 5 minutes and throw you out the door when your time is up. However, she did make a few valid points during our session. So, I guess I'll go again. My Husband told her I should be over the deaths of my girls! That I'm to obsessed in the grieving process and with my support groups. He said I'm ignoring him and my family and that I need to "Get over it!" To her credit she said, everyone grieves in a different way, and the fact he is over the death of them doesn't justify him thinking I should be to. She also said she is quite sure it had and will continue to have a much greater impact on me because they are my biological children. She said, it makes a big difference to the grieving process... because, they were his step children. She added that doesn't mean he didn't love them any less, just that it's a much deeper loss to me... because, they were my children. Anyway, she wants to see us separate over the next 2 weeks. So, she can analyze us and figure out what our needs are individually. Then bring us back together and help us to understand each others needs. I just don't know though, I'm in that IDC mode. I'm not sure what I want anymore or even if I want to work on a relationship with someone who is so selfish and vindictive. I'm ready to walk away from him and start a new life. The problem is he will always be in my life because we have children together.

I was always so assure of myself and what I wanted in life. Now, I just don't know anymore! I don't know who I am at this point, I don't understand my thought process anymore. Things that would never have upset me in the past now make me rage. I have no patients anymore, especially for selfish people. I really, honestly don't care anymore about anything, other then my children. I could so easily pack up my kids and run away from everything in my life. The only thing keeping me grounded is knowing that wouldn't be healthy for my children. I hate how I feel, I miss Vanessa & Kailey so much that, I don't care about much else right now.

[ericasmom]

Lori, I am really disappointed that your husband did what he did today, and I can well understand your sadness adn your anger. I would say that while you may not like the therapist she does sound on top of things to have told your husband that your grief will be different as the biologic parent, and it is way different. I think too, that she wants to see you separate is key to her listening to you alone, and him alone...if the marriage is going to be maintained it needs to be on the terms that will be best for the kids yes, but best for you both too. For her to listen to you without the other in the room will help her see what might be needed immediately to help you both. I don't blame you for wanting to walk away, the i don't care mode carries right over to our marriages quite easily and we must not act to quickly. He sounds like so many others about getting over it and that must hurt your heart. We don't get over these losses, we learn to live within them. And yes Pam, we do find we look forward to things again, we find that life is mostly good again, and sometimes we find a whole new direction to go, such as with a career, so while you must work, you might find another area of interest that could help make your days feel more interesting. You also might even find an art class or a cooking class that might give you an outlet of some sort...just guessing on things right now. Have you joined a group for bereaved parents? Might that fill some of the holes right now?

Betty Dear, you look like a breath of Spring in your pretty pink hat. I love it. Yes the sad eyes, we all can see what so many others don't that little place where longing and wistful meet inside us...the missing we kind of mask for others to feel comfy.

[lolynbo]

So I have a question for those of you who are a couple years or more into this...do you ever actually feel glad to be alive again? I just can't wait to die so I can be with Andy. I couldn't care less about my job either, even though I have to so I have a means of support. I need to know that someday I will actually want to be here. I'm trying really hard to be positive but life still pretty much stinks. Guess I'm having holiday blues today. Thanks!

ALIVE BUT IN A NEW WAY....AND WE DONT HAVE TO LIKE IT....THE ME THAT WAS IS GONE...AND IDK IF I LIKE THE NEW ME AND IDK IF ANYONE LIKES THE NEW ME...BUT IM HERE, FLOATING MOST THE TIME...BUT IM HERE

I SAY BOO HISS AT YOUR HUBBY LORI....MAYBE HE THOUGHT WELL SHES SLEEPING GOOD IDK...BUT STILL HE STINKO...(WITH LOVE HE STINKKO)

[lolynbo]

IM WRITTING THIS IN ORANGE SO USE YOUR IMAGINATION..

KIMMY AND CODY CAME FRIDAY NIGHT...WE GRILLED STEAKS, CORN ON THE COB, SALAD,AND TATORS...GREAT GREAT OUTSIDE BY THE POOL DINNER...SATURDAY WE GOT UP WENT TO IHOP TO EAT (MY MOMMY WORKS THERE) HAD A GREAT BREAKFAST THEN, RAN FEW ERRANDS THEN WENT TO THE RACES...GOT RAINED OUT...WENT TO EAT MEXICAN FOOD WHEN THE STORMS PASSED...

GOT UP THIS MORN WENT TO FUSION CHURCH WITH ROCK MUSIC THE KIDS WENT AND IT WAS A GREAT TIME...WENT HOME CHANGED CHURCH CLOTHES (JEANS AND COMFY STUFF INTO MORE COMFY STUFF) WENT AND GOT KFC WENT TO LAKE AND HAD PICNIC THEN WENT HIKE AROUND THE LAKE..(CALLED BUZZARDS ROOST)...THEN THE KIDS HAD TO GO HOME...THEN I WENT TO THE CEMETERY....NICE WEEK END JUST MISSING ONE THING TO MAKE IT BETTER....KOURTNEY LYNN..

[shorty16]

Lori - My mouth is just hanging open as I read your post!! You should be over the loss of your kids by now!!! WHAT???? I am going on 3 years and I will NEVER be over the loss of my son. My attitude sure has changed since day 1 of this loss, but WOW!!!! I am just sick!!!! This loss is something we NEVER "get over". We learn to live again, but it takes months and years, not days or weeks. What your hubby did was selfish and rude. This loss will takes years to adjust to. Your hubby needs to understand that. You are doing fine, Lori. You are doing more than what is expected at this time in your loss. He should be telling you how good you are doing. I am so sorry.

Pam - In the beginning, I just wanted to die. During one of my many crying fits, I would lay on the floor and exhale. I would try not to inhale, because I just did not want to live anymore - this went on for many months. Now, I am glad to be alive, but the living is different. I have had to be kind to myself and understand what my body and mind could and could not do anymore. I am a new person and I had to get to know myself. I know that sounds wierd, but I do not know how else to put it. This has taken much work on my part. I realize, I cannot do or go places I used to with Brian - and I have excepted that. I see the little things in life much more now. Be kind to yourself. You have changed and need to get to know yourself again.

Take care, Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever and Ever and Ever and will NEVER GET OVER IT!!!!!

[mikesmomrs]

Betty: I just had to pop on and tell you that I think your hat is just awesome! Reminds me of the song "Easter Parade." "..In your Easter Bonnet..." You look ravishing. yes, the sadness is there, certainly, but you have that look of courage about you, as well. You remind me a lot of my older sister, Dorothy...the one I just visited with in Florida. She is older than you, but she is very much like you in your manner, your carriage...beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing...you brought joy to my heart.

Diane: Hang in there, sweetie...the pain is piercing, overwhelming, and you have so much swirling in your mind. We are holding you tight, holding you close in our hearts.

Sharon: the same for you, dear, as well..holding you tight, holding you close in our hearts, along with Tony, and all of the other new parents to BI. Holidays are gut-wrenching, reminders of what we've lost...eventually, the memories will smooth the way, but that "eventually" is a different time frame for everyone.

Tony, Though your day has been very sad for you, I am happy that you made the effort to keep your Jackson's Easter joys in his little life...I know that it was painful for you to do so, but it is something you will always have in your heart, something that Jackson will always remember. It is perfectly understandable why you couldn't do it at your own home, and I am sure that Jackson didn't really care where it was done, so long as it happened...you made it happen for him, Tony...you let your heart guide you in what was truly important today for that little guy. Brendan is proud of you, he is counting on you to take care of little Jackson, counting on you to bring joy to Jackson's life...it will take time, Tony, and pain, and healing, but Brendan is with you every moment of every hour of every day...cheering you on.

Lori: I too am appalled at what your husband did this morning...to take away that bit of joy you had planned with your little ones...I am so very sorry. I do hope that things can be worked out with the counselor. As Dee says, it sounds as if she is on top of things...I hope so.

Lorri: Sounds like you had a wonderful weekend, and though Kourtney was not physically there, you know that she was right there, by your side, the whole time. thanks for sharing.

Sus: I hope you are already back home, and got to spend the day sharing Easter with the kids...I know they all welcomed you back with open arms. And Gary's arms likely were open the widest! Thank you, Gary, for sharing Susannah with us...I knwo that Amanda appreciated having her mom here, and we truly appreciated meeting your beautiful wife, who brings sunshine into a room just by being there.

Pam: Yes, you do actually feel glad to be alive again one day, but it will be a different kind of gladness...that hollowness, that missing piece will always be there, but you will learn to live with it, learn to live around it, eventually. Claudia is a friend here on BI, who lost her beautiful son, Joey. Among her many posts filled with wisdom, I have kept this one as it meant a lot to me, and speaks a lot about how we move forward eventually. I know that Claudia won't mind my posting this again, as she has said before that it was fine with her. Claudia wrote “I have a strong faith that guides me and in that I find many, many blessings. Yet still, there is no blessing with the perfect shape to patch the hole in my heart.” So, that piece is always missing from our heart, but we find a way to live with that missing piece, we do find life again.

Well, cleanup time...Cathi did most of the dishes, but the "leftover" stuff still has to be done. We had a very nice day...Mike's two older boys were here, as was Cathi and Jameson. Davis was out most of the day---his very closest friend is in the hospital with a mental breakdown, and Davis has not been able to see him yet (he went in yesterday) and has been worried sick. Finally, they are letting them in to see him tonight. Davis has been out of his mind with worry...please keep this young man, Blake, in your prayers for strength to return to health and good days again.

Sending love to all of my indigo family...I hope that each of you has found some peaceful moment today, some sweet memory, no matter how small, to warm some spot in your heart this day.

[dwsmithrn]

lori, bless you, lori....i have had the full support and understanding of my husband, and he, too, is the step dad of my precious nathan. so, i am at a loss that your husband is being so bullheaded about your losses....i am so sorry....this just makes your pain and sadness and grief so much worse on you. i am appalled, of nothing else....i am at a loss for words, as i ponder the kind of pain we are already going through, and you are having to deal with this as well.....i am holding your hand now, i am.....

pam...i ,too, feel what you feel....if i didn't feel the need to be alive now, i would not be.....i have days that i want to join my son. so many people tell me reasons why i 'can't' join him. i have 3 living children, 6 grands, with 1 on the way....a wonderful husband, who is trying ever so hard to hold me up, despite the fact the he is grieving hard for nathan, and the loss of me, as well. i need to 'try' to stay as long as i can. i am haaving trouble just 'being' here. our counselor told us the first time we went.....YOU CAN DIE OF A BROKEN HEART....so it's up to me to take care of myself. although, she did tell my husband to keep an eye on me and have others check in on me periodically. i don't think i take care of myself that much, but i don't feel like eating yet, either. i still don't sleep that great, but, i keep looking for reasons to stay....and it's so hard. why nathan? why me? it's just way too hard, that's all i can say....but we need each other, here, to get us all through this most horrific time in our lives....so please try to stay...please.

diane

[aim630]

Lori-I'm so sorry your husband took away the joy of seeing your little ones with their Easter baskets. The grieving is different for stepparents. My husband has been pretty good about it but wants to know why I "mope" around alot. I always tell him, why do you think? I hope the counselor is able to help. Maybe she can make him understand how you feel better. It's only been a couple of months for you, and you lost 2 of your beautiful children.

Susannah, Karen & Carol-Glad you all had a good time meeting each other. I know Amanda is not completely well, but she sounds like a very brave, strong person like her mother, and I'm glad you got to spend some time together. I recognized the lighthouse right away. We went to Maine in 2006, shortly after my dad died. We took my mom, but it was probably too early for her, she cried a lot, missing my dad. Ashley did not get to go because she had to work. I thought we'd have plenty of time to plan another trip like that, but we never got to. It is beautiful in Maine, although chilly even in late July (at least the year we were there). My favorite part of the Maine trip was whale watching. Jeff got seasick the first time we tried it, so could not go, but luckily I don't get seasick, so I enjoyed it a lot.

Carol-I love the pictures you posted of Easters past. I swear I had a pair of those Hee Haw pants myself (probably boy's pants, but I know I had a pair!).

Pam, Sharon & Diane-The first holidays are so hard. Not that the 2nd is much easier, but the shock has worn off a little. I still just mainly live day to day, but it is easier to get out of bed now.

Betty-I love your pink Easter bonnet. You look very elegant, although I do see the sadness in your eyes. I doubt that will ever leave any of us.

When we were picking up some stuff for Easter dinner yesterday, the clerk complained because her daughter was in Arizona, "too far away". I wanted to tell her I could beat her, since my daughter was farther away than that, and at least she could fly to see her. I didn't say anything of course.

My uncle was at my mom's house for Easter today. I never feel comfortable around him because he told me when Ashley was sick, that if it was his daughter, he would have had her transferred to the Cleveland Clinic. It was discussed, but at the time, I didn't feel it was safe to move her (the opinion of my step daughter who is studying to be a nurse was the same). Then she started getting better, so we thought we had made the right choice. I know the Clinic is the best hospital around, would they have caught her blood clot earlier, and done something about it? Now I always feel guilty for not moving her. I still think he looks at me and blames me for what happened.

I hate going to work tomorrow, but it does help take my mind off things.

Goodnight everyone,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

I made it back to Wyoming safe and sound. Lack of sleep and brain cells makes it impossible for me to really post to each of you. Know you are all in my heart and prayers.

Lori - I can't say anything nice about your husband right now so I'm just sending hugs to you.

I'll write more tomorrow.

[ericasmom]

Glad you are home safe Sus, take some time to regain your energy, traveling and different altitudes and so much emotion, sleep tomorrow when the kids are at school.

[crystalann]

Lori,I am so sorry.Hugs

[mikesmum]

This morning started at 4am when Mal and I drove an hour to attend 'Dawn Service' with Melissa and Emily. Its ANZAC day here, when we remember those who fell in WWI and those who continue to serve so we might enjoy the freedom we have. Amazing to see 3 generations standing in the chilly misty morning as the piper played. Stirs the emotions. Em was wearing Mal's replica service medals, I was wearing Dad's.

Lorri - Kinda get it now I've read the 'step-dad' thing. I know it sounds harsh, but that 'connection' wasn't made. Don't get me wrong, my other half is Mikes step-dad and while he wouldn't say 'thought you'd be over it by now', he does get a little frustrated with how long its taking for me to 'return'. Maybe he just wanted you to sleep in, his words insensitive and his actions DUMBASS, but sometimes those 'who don't get it' make the best DUMBASSES. Hope work went fast with little incident.

Carol - Know my thoughts are with Davis as he waits to see his friend. Hard to know what to do or say but I know having you and Ralph in his life gives Davis that strength to be there for Blake.

Betty - In her Easter Bonnet....loved Judy Garland. You my friend bring a brightness to what is here a very dull day.

Pam - Yes in the beginning I found it hard to believe I was still alive. I couldn't understand firstly why the world kkept turning and my heart could beat being so shattered. Without trying each day became a little easier. We are talking breath by breath, heart beat by heart beat. I am still here, alterd beyond recongition (from where I stand) yet here.

With all I am all I have been I will never reconcile with the idea that my child died. How he left and I stayed, how his dying robbed us of his part in our lives and how the lives that entwined with his were sent spinning off in direction they had never considered. Part of a bigger plan, not sure, but I know with all that I am richer for having been Micheal Shane's mum.

Love from Sir Muttley who walked the town today with such pride

[kmb22]

Susannah - I'm glad you made it home safely. I hope you've enjoyed your day catching up with the little ones and Gary; i know they missed you so.

Carol - I'm glad you enjoyed your day. I'm sorry to hear of Davis's friend Blake, he will certainly be in my prayers.

Lori - I'm so sorry for the insensitivity you've had to endure today. I too have nothing nice to say about his behavior so I'm sending you a hug.

Diane - I've always believed a person could die of a broken heart as well. I know we somehow should find a reason good enough to want to stay but understand the lack of will when everything hurts so badly.

Pam - I wish I could give a more positive and definite answer but I too haven't reached that point yet. They say the time will come but I still can't grasp the thought.

Betty - I love the picture and your hat. We did all have a wonderful time meeting this week. Actually before she realized how far it was Sus wanted to drive out to see you too. If she had a little more time out here it would have been a great road trip. Hopefully some day we can all set something else up so more of us can get together.

Well my eyes are giving out, it's been a rough day. Though they're all pretty lousy, holidays do somehow find a way to make it even worse.

Dee, Rhonda, Amy, Crystal(s), Lorri, Tony, Colleen, Sharon, Sherry, Trudi, and all else I've missed ,you are all in my heart each day. I wish you all a peaceful sleep full of wonderful dreams of our precious angels missed so greatly. {{Hugs to all}}

[ericasmom]

Trud, give Mr. Sir Muttley a big hug and a dog biscuit from me please. I think the service you attended sounds quite lovely, sort of like our Memorial Day in May. And once again, you have said it so well, we have been made better by having been the parent to one or two so sweet and so very dear.

Carol, yes, I forgot to send my wishes to Davis as well, he has had far too many upsets and sad times with his group of friends, and so to his dear friend Blake I wish you some peaceful thoughts tonight. And even more tomorrow.

I will send prayers for Blake and for Davis.

Amy, I hope that you feel that you did make the best decisions for Ashley at the time, not moving her when she was made comfortable at the hospital she was in, and when she showed signs of improvement, well, why move her? We all second, third, and forever guess and doubt our original actions and yet, they were made out of love and the endings may have all been the same had our decisions been different. I am sorry if you were uncomfortable around your uncle today.

Karen, maybe one day when we are all more able to travel (gas prices so high) we can arrange a gathering again, somewhere fairly central to all. I would love to meet you and I am so glad that you enjoyed meeting Carol, Ralph, and Sus. Amazing isn't it, how instantaneous the trust and fellowship bind you to one another?

May we all close our eyes tonight and dream sweetly of our Angels, wake to a bird-song kind of day. Whistle along, you may feel better for a few minutes.

[lolynbo]

YAL I HAVE TO DISAGREE WITH THE STEP DAD/STEP MOM...OR MAYBE MONTY IS THE UNIQUE ONE HERE...HE MISSES KOURTNEY AND UNDERSTANDS (AS MUCH AS WE CAN) THE LOSS JUST AS I DO....I REALLY THINK THIS GUY (IDK HIS NAME) WAS JUST THINKING "SHES SLEEPING THE KIDS ARE HOLLERING I WILL LET HER REST"....I REALLY DO...

[ericasmom]

I hope that you are right Lorri, but I think that Lori's husband is feeling neglected and is behaving like he is supposed to come first by now. I hope that I am wrong. Monty's attitude and behavior is not the norm unfortunately. Give that man a hug for me. My husband is great about it all but the first 6 mnths he was not expecting me to be over it but expecting me to not worry about Jonathan as I did/do...I do think he was extremely worried about me adn I needed to set him straight about loving a child. He had no children of his own and only came to mine when they were already half grown anyways, so did not get to know them as they grew up.

[Guest msnher]

I slept a full 10 hours. After being in New Hampshire where there are so many trees Wyoming looks quite barren, in a wonderful sort of way. I can't tell you how relieved I am now that I know Amanda knows people I trust and love. She said she is going to be the daughter Karen never had. Karen is a bit young to be like her mother, but they will be great sisters. She put "Mom" by Carol's name in her phone because of Carol's obvious maternal presence. Tall, beautiful, protective, loving. At any rate, they are friends and that is a huge comfort to me.

You might be right about Lori's husband on Easter morning, Lorri, but expecting her to be over the deaths of two of her children within two months is just selfish and/or ignorant. Perhaps both. Unfortunately, I fear I might have been just like him if it was Gary going through this instead of me. I would never have put up with all the B.S. Gary has. He has shown me how to be there. He is the one telling me my behavior is grief. He is the one who has taught me how to be more compassionate and understanding. Some of us, like Lori's husband, are not hard wired for nice or sacrifice. My husband is. I'm not. I am learning by watching him.

Amy - How did it go with your uncle?

Dee - There isn't school today. I don't know why. Something about not having any snow days this year so they're taking one???

Trudi - I love the recognition of the people who served in Australia's military. ANZAC Day. Is it always on Easter?

I know I miss names and posts but please know it isn't on purpose. You ALL are in my heart ALL the time. My kiddo's are awake so I must sign off.

My love to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Just a couple of things that put a smile on my face and a sigh in my heart. I'm telling you all this, I won't ever say a word about it to Gary. He and the kids were so excited about their efforts and so happy to see me. These are little things that my husband is oblivious to...

Mariah wore her dress inside out...

Jonathon's shirt wasn't buttoned all the way and his tie hung loosely from the second button.

Jasmine's blouse WAS buttoned all the way up, choking her.

We won't talk about Mariah and Jasmine's hair.

The dishes were done, but all the groceries I had left sitting on the counter to be put away but didn't because of my hurry to get packed was still sitting exactly where I left them, including the box of laundry detergent.

It's obvious they tried to vacuum. The collection of dog hair and dust bunnies under the futon prove they did.

Several tubes of toothpaste - dried - in the kid's bathroom and the toothpaste on the throw rugs in their bathroom. The empty toilet paper rolls on the floor and the trash that sat on the floor next to the basket. The two new rolls of toilet paper that sat next to the sink, collecting water from the attempt to brush their teeth. How do they get toothpaste on the other side of the bathroom?

Last, but not least, the load of towels I threw in the washer before I left for New Hampshire still sitting in the washer. (stinky)...

Yep. I was missed.

Gotta love it.

[Guest msnher]

PS - Karen's guitar playing is soothing and beautiful!

[charsng1234]

well going to try to make it all day at work today! Hope I can do it I talked to shane this morning asked him for strengh to make it today prayed to GOD asked for help just want to be able to make it today, Its so hard to work with this sharp pain in my heart!!I hope all here are doing good. have a good day my new family here...shanes mom /sharon

[Brendan's Daddy]

Sharon. I hope God gives you the strength to go to work today. I told myself last night that I was going to go to work at 8:00 am and work non-stop until 10:30 with no crying. I was able to accomplish that goal. I get to leave at 10:30 for an 11:00 counseling session. Right now my hands are shaking because I am just tired of holding it in. I am so ready to break down, which is good that I am going to counseling soon. It has been such a rough past week. Easter and now Easter Vacation. Jackson is on break and Brendan should be home as well. I just keep hearing everybody talking about their trips to Florida or to indoor waterparks this week. I hate so much that Brendan is not here with us to enjoy this. I can't get him out of my mind. I love my little boy so much. I hate that the shock has worn off. I would much rather be in shock than deal with this terrible reality of Brendan being gone. I hate this new life. I just want my life back when Brendan was in it. I feel like I took it for granted now that he is gone. Lord please give me the strength to fight through this pain.

I am off to counseling soon. Then my goal is to come back to work and actually get some more work done. I have a long day. 8:00 am to 7:00 pm. I have meetings tonight, which are going to be rough. Thursday I have to run our youth coaches meetings all night which will be terrible. My son should be playing in these leagues. I miss you so much Brendan Anthony. Daddy loves you. Forever and Always.

[westleysmom]

I made it through, but it was a very long day. After visit time Saturday we went to the Easter Egg hunt at church where my granddaughter was in the youngest group but found quite a few eggs and had a big time. I heard from James and Amber (Westley's best friend who spoke at his services) Saturday night. They had decorated with easter eggs and grass at his site and wanted us to see before it stormed. So we went there after we finished hauling off the wood from the "swing" tree that was hit by lightning last year and had died. We still have brush to clean up but its too wet to get the trailer out. The decorations made me cry, they had put the plastic eggs around the outside and then the shape of a cross inside, and filled it all in with different color Easter grass. And some silk daffodills with a little green bunny in the middle.

We got up and went to sunrise service at 6:00 and had breakfast with the in-laws and went back at 11:00 for my nephew's confirmation, which I missed because I had the little kids in children's church. Then to my sister's for lunch with my family and her step-daughter's families. Lots of wailing and gnashing of teeth since we had a 2 year old, 5 year old, 6 year old, 9 year old and 13 year old. Hunted eggs and blew bubbles and stuck stickers and stomped their feet and "made fits" as my granddaughter terms it. Typical kid stuff, I was worn out by the time we left. We went back to the cemetery for just a few minutes, me and my husband. Then I just wanted my bed, but we stayed up til regular time so I wouldn't wake up in the middle of the night. Sometimes I wish we could do different things on the holidays that don't remind me that Westley's not coming, but our families are such creatures of habit that we haven't been able to change things. I don't think they understand how hard it is for me and him.

Betty-Beautiful hat, you look so festive. I always think pictures of me show how sad I am too.

Lori-I'm sorry that your husband doesn't understand. I hope the counseling helps.

Carol-Loved all the pictures. That pink bunny was quite scary. I hope that Blake is doing better, for him and for Davis.

Sharon-Good luck at work today. It helps me as long as I'm here, some days I still cry all the way home. And some days I cry while I"m here, but not all day.

Susannah-Of course they miss the details. But they missed you too, you bet. I'm glad you're back home safely and had a good trip.

Tony-Thought of you and hoped you were making it through Brendan's favorite holiday.

Amy-I know what you mean. I have had so many "what if?" thoughts in the past few weeks come back that I thought I had settled in my mind. What if we had encouraged Westley to join the service when he talked about it? What if when he got arrested that time we had let him serve his time instead of bonding him out and keeping him out of jail? What if we had sent him out on his own when he turned 18 and didn't go to college, as a friend with younger kids says he'll do? Would things have been different? Would he be in jail now, but at least alive? Would he have died in combat somewhere far away? The biggest question of all Would he still be here? What decision did I make that made it possible and even inevitable that we end up here, with him gone and never coming back? I struggle with those questions over and over again. I'll never understand. I hope your Uncle wasn't mean to you. Hugs.

Well, now we have the trifecta of May, Mother's Day, my birthday, my granddaughter's birthday. Sorry to be a downer, but this is my reward for making it through a late Easter. I am not looking forward to it, other than looking forward to it being over. I hope the day is kind to you.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Thank you so much for your sweet, loving comments on my hat It does make me feel better when I take a different action during a Holiday and share it with you guys You are always so supportive and understanding I know that is why I have slowly climbed out of the pit

.

Good work Sharon praying, talking to Shane and then being gentle enough with yourself to try to make it all day at work Baby steps worked for me

.

Trudi, I too think Sir Mutley deserves a special treat and can just picture him walking about so very proud It is so important to remember those who fought so we could be free.

Carol praying for Davis and his friend . Easter diner at your home sounded wonderful

Dee and Sherry Hope your Easter feast was grand and tasty

Lorri You weekend sounded great Good food and church and family

Rhonda Your day was busy I thinks Westley's friends Easter decorations sound so very special I am glad you were able to see them One Holiday at a time we make it

Amy I do hope you were able to navigate the family gathering I still avoid many family get together's They are too painful when I see all the parents and children together.

Sus I loved!!! your description of what you found when you returned home How special Dresses inside out hair combed strangely, towels not dried and still you and carry on you have a true gift

I have to agree with your statement about Lori and her husband's expectations. I know that before my husband passed I did not understand grief and had little patience for those who mourned for years When I lost my husband, it took 3 years before the sadness lifted enough for me to consider even dating another. I then thought I understood grief With the loss of Stephen grief traveled to a whole different dimension and it is now 4 years and I know I will never be the same. The place in my heart and soul that he occupied will be forever missing him so I , like was suggested, try to build a life around the missing and it is beginning to work I am not the same and do not expect to be so but that is Ok as long as I am not in that black hole of despair. The person I have been with for 20 years did not understand the depth of my loss and on many occasions in the first few years I just asked him to leave and find someone else as I had no time for him or his expectations he was understanding and we survived.This is a difficult road'

Tony, Diane Lori and all Indigos be gentle with yourselves today

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, it is said that the guilt is the hardest to rid oneself of. What decision did you make to find yourself in this situation? You are blaming yourself for a decision that Westley made...it is not your fault that Westely isn't here, and Westley probably had no idea that he was not going to be here, so really, it was an accident. I know that does nothing to help you but I ache at your blaming yourself. I know that you don't want to do Mothers Day and your Birthday...,maybe you and husband can go away for a few days somewhere where there are no expectations of you to show up at a celebration.

Sharon, good luck today, keep on keeping on.

Tony, same to you.

[kmb22]

"With all I am all I have been I will never reconcile with the idea that my child died. How he left and I stayed, how his dying robbed us of his part in our lives and how the lives that entwined with his were sent spinning off in direction they had never considered."

Trudi - Such a true and sad statement. I always felt if ever I was to lose my child I would never survive. I still feel I won't, more often than I'd like to admit, and I'm certain there is no way there will ever be peace in my heart about it. I too never imagined the directions others were capable of taking. What breaks my heart even more is the feeling I have that no one seems to have learned a thing. I think the ones who should "get it" make even better Dumbasses. I'm thinking that may even be a better title for that book of ours..."The Dumbass things people say and do...".

Dee - Yes it would be great to be able to put something together but true the gas prices are getting ridiculous. I fear what the summer will bring and think we all may be walking more. It is so true the trust that exists. Honestly I had to laugh a bit at the fact I didn't think twice about hanging out in the hotel room of someone I'd never met before.

Susannah - With tears and a warm heart I read your words. I'm honored to be a big sis to Amanda; I'm just a call and a short drive away, anytime. Your findings on your return home cracked me up. See, I told you, you were greatly missed. Thank you for the compliment, I love playing. I spent a couple of hours at the cemetery yesterday playing...I used to love to sit and play with the boys, they both played....I so miss that. I hope you're enjoying your, not snowing, snow day off with the kids.

Sharon - Strength to you that you can make it through the day, whether it be one day, one hour, or even one moment at a time.

Tony - I wish you too the strength to get through this long day. I hope your counseling goes well.

Rhonda - The what if's are so haunting, as much as the if only's I'd say, and it seems the list grows as the times passes. What a beautiful and loving thing for James and Amber to do. It's so nice to see others continue to remember.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Hi everyone,

My situation with my Husband is as Dee said, he is feeling neglected and like he and the children should have all my attention by now. He is selfish and can be vindictive when he is angry about something. He is a very calculated person and nothing he does is by chance or accident. He has always had twinges of jealousy. Especially, with my attention focused on my children from another man. However, he did love Vanessa & Kailey so he usually kept his jealous emotions to himself.

Simply, he is a guy who needs a lot of attention to feel loved and appreciated.

He lacks empathy and sympathetic emotions. He is selfish, sarcastic and vindictive. He throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way. He was a spoiled rotten child (per his own mother) that didn't have responsibilities growing up. His mother tells me she didn't do him any justice raising him the way she did. She said she gave him everything he ever wanted and never told him no. She cooked, cleaned and did his laundry. He had no chores. The only thing expected from him growing up was to be the best he could be at playing sports. Which he was successful at, he had two Football Scholarships that he went to college with. He was the all around "Football Jock" that had girls falling at his feet and giving him all the attention he craved. I had no Idea that was the type of person he was when I met and married him. When we first met he showered me with all of his undivided attention. He listened to me, everything I said during our conversations he would remember. If I said I loved something or wanted something he would go buy it for me and surprise me with the things I had talked about. He seemingly was a perfect guy who loved me and put me on a pedestal. He focused his life around me. After we were married everything shifted and he wanted all the attention from me. But, I'm not that kind of person, I take all of my responsibilities serious. My attention is focus on everyone and everything that needs it. I guess he fell in love with me because, I was so different from anybody he had ever dated. I was an independent, responsible adult raising 3 children, 1 being handicapped. I owned my own house, took care of everything, was dept free and very happy with the life I had made for myself. I wasn't looking for a relationship and didn't need a man in my life. I was the complete opposite of him. I regret that I was naive and trusted that he was the man he presented himself to be.

For the most part, I have accepted him for the person he is and understand he probably isn't going to change. I've committed myself thus far to this relationship because we have two children together and family is very important to me. But, if he doesn't wake up and get off his high horse soon, I will end our relationship. I'm not the type of person to take to much crap from someone who should know better. Life is to short as seen by the loss of my two daughters, to be in a selfish relationship. Hopefully, counseling will help. He needs to realize what he has and what he is going to lose if he doesn't change his ways and support me through this process of grieving.

Sorry to unload like this, I'm just angry and needed to vent. He does have lots of good qualities too. But, right now I'm PO and can't see the good in him.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Rhonda, I laughed at your trifecta comment, My Birthday (3 days before you 5/12), all of my daughters (Addie, Vanessa & Kailey), my Anniversary along with Mothers Day are in May! I also have several Cousins and Friends who's Birthdays are in May. It's such a busy Month for me.

However this year, it will inevitability be the worse realization of my losses so far. I've been dreading it for weeks now.

[Guest msnher]

Betty - We were SO tempted to drive to New York to see you! At 3:30 in the morning it sounded like a grand idea. Karen worried about invading your privacy. I said we're not invading, we're just going to steal some hugs and go. But, alas, once we figured out how far it was to drive common sense won over. I want all of you to know that you were all with us.

Lori - Vent away. This is the place for it.

The kitchen and floors are cleaned. Laundry is going. Nap time now. I absolutely love my husband and children. Stephanie would have been 30 this Friday. It's the background music of my mind. Last year, at this time, it was the whole story...front page news, not so much this year. Last year I could barely breath without pain. This year I don't think there's pain, there is just the knowing. I'll let you know (you know I'll let you know) how it transpires from here.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

Rhonda – BOY CAN I RELATE!! I was the Queen of guilt for over 2 years (still peers its ugly head sometimes). Brian left our house on the hood of that car. Where was I – sitting on my butt watching TV.

I was the one who put Mike behind the wheel of the car. Brian was driving, but had recently got a speeding ticket. His license was probationary and he could not have 2 people, unrelated to him, in the vehicle. – Mike drove.

I wanted to call Brian that night and get him home, but thought “Leave the kid alone.” He may still be alive if I would have followed through on that.

I can go on and on. Then Greg, Brian’s Dad, posted something that really made me think. He said “You will beat your head against the wall until you just cannot do it anymore.” After thinking “If we would have started Brian a year later in school, this never would have happened.” It was than, I realized I was trying to find sense out of something that made no sense. Each person is different; but for me, it took YEARs to forgive myself for something I did not do.

Be kind to yourself, Rhonda – we are both great mothers – otherwise, our child’s death would not have affected us as much as it has.

Thinking of you, my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Tony,

I think you are doing very well under the circumstances. You set small goals for yourself and for the most part, are meeting them.

Give yourself credit for what you are doing! You are standing upright and breathing. You still have a job. Your wife loves you and wants to continue a family. You have a beautiful boy, Jackson and had 7 great years with Brendan. (The last one is still hard for me to be happy about. I had 16 (almost 17) years with Brian, but I want more).

I know you are afraid of the future. We all were and still are. But, as time goes on, we become more able to dictate our future instead of our future being dictated by grief. You are a loving and caring man. You will find that this part of you actually becomes more loving and caring, because we work so hard to make the time we have with our surviving children mean something.

You are doing great in this horrible journey. I hated my new life for a long time (and still do sometimes). But as we become stronger, the hate goes away.

Take care my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever

[daveydow1]

Lori----I am feeling so sad for you when you described how your husband was so thoughtless and rude

to tell you that 'you should be over it by now'.......That remark must have cut you like a knife to the heart.

My husband....(.David's biological dad)......can be selfish and rude.....being that he likes to keep his grief

to himself,.....and no one else's grief is as bad or deep as his etc. etc. We have some big arguments

from time to time,.....and I understand so well how hurt you feel. Having someone make hurtful remarks

like these only makes the pain worse. I do hope that the separate counseling sessions will help, and

you will be more apt to speak freely when you are with the counselor alone. This is the place to 'vent',

and we all do this from time to time. You are so new to this lousy road we're on, and I think that you are

a good person who is grieving mightily from the loss of your two sweet daughters. We're always here,

so keep coming back to BI. Peace to you, friend.

Betty-----Great pic of you and that lovely Easter bonnet.

Tylersmom----So nice that your daughter, Tiffany, and Little Will came over for Easter. Nice Pic.

Dee----Yep...we had a nice time being away for awhile. Weather was so nice there.....(KY.)

Carol----My grandies didn't get to come to our house for Easter.......they went out of state to their other grandparents,

but.......we always have a fun time hiding the eggs (plastic), anytime they are here. Seems they never get tired of

hunting for them. Will hide them outside if its good weather........very rainy lately.

Pam-----Good to see Andy's nice smile.

Karen---Thanks for the kind wishes. Hope your Easter was good also.

Tony-----I know how difficult it must have been to do the egg coloring without your sweet little boy....Brendan. Holidays

are difficult. Wishing you peace & comfort.

Colleen and Rhonda----Yes.....the old 'guilt' thing comes on now & then. I still, at times, can't get it out of my mind how

if I had been home the Sat. morning when Dave left home to go to the mall,.....we would have talked, and he would have

been delayed enough......even 5 min. to avoid being in that horrific wreck. If I had not wanted to go to another area mall

to get those damn red shoes, we would have been home as we usually were on Sat. a.m. I guess we just have to

resort to the thought that there's no turning back the clock. If there was a way.......I'm sure each and every one of us here

at BI would jump at the chance. My heart aches for every parent here who mourns the loss of their child/children, and

the thought that haunts us........"What might have been."

PEACE TO ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Brendan's Daddy]

Thank you to everybody for the support today. It is 5:40 on Monday and I am nearly through my rough day. My meeting starts at 6:00 and should be done by 7:00 or 7:30. It has been a long day, but I have gotten a ton done. Thank you Colleen for the encouraging words. I am trying so hard to move forward. I think I only had around 6 or 7 complete breakdowns today. I spent almost an hour at the Cemetery this afternoon. I could feel the anxiety catching up with me so I just let it out before my meeting tonight. I am so ready to be done with this meeting so I can go home, kiss Jackson and Michele and put the Brewer game on in my bed. Then try to be strong again tomorrow.

Michele is completely determined to move and move fast. It looks like we will be adding more stress to our lives. Putting our "Forever" house on the market and starting to pack some things up. Maybe this is what is best. I am not sure this is what I want, but I know that Michele needs this. I hate this new life, but someday I hope to get used to it. Maybe if I am lucky the stress will catch up to me sooner or later and naturally take me to Brendan where I feel I belong. It just feels like more and more keeps getting dumped on us.

I will be praying for all of you tonight as usual.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[crystalann]

Lori,

Reading your post felt like you were talking about my husband.I told him along time ago I should sue you for false advertisement.He just left from his 24 hours off.He thinks he should drive two hours one way to spend time with me.When he gets here it more like can you do my laundry do my shopping among other things.I feel even more stress while he is here.Then by the time he leaves I feel worthless.I told him I can not cater to you anymore.It just sucks feeling like I dont even want to talk to him. ANYWAY Like thats gonna change.

Love to you all,Crystal

[dwsmithrn]

hi everyone....i feel so bad that everyone is having so much pain...i am in there with you....my heart won't stop hurting, and it literally is killing me...talk about the 'silent killer'...someone needs to add grief in there.....

i had a miracle happen to me this morning.....it truly was and i will cherish it for all time....

i was in that state where you are not quite awake, still asleep, but sort of aware you are about to wake up.....NATHAN WAS HOLDING and STROKING my HAND!!!! i know it was him...it felt just like him, it was his hand...he was rubbing my fingers, ever so softly and gently....he was never one to actually hold your hand, except as a youngster, but he would sort of play with your fingers as he grew up....he was a super good hugger, though.....i KNOW it was him...i just lay there for a moment, very still and softly called his name....then felt his fingers pull away from mine and he was gone....it was him, it was nathan....he came to tell me he was ok...i know he feels so bad for leaving me like this and i think he came to check on me....oh, it was the most amazing moment i have had in 3 months....i have cried so much today, because i realize how much i really miss him. but, i am so happy that he finally came to me and let me know he is ok...it's a bitter sweet moment....you want to be glad you know, but at the same time, so sad that you know he's not coming back. i don't know exactly how to handle this....i told him how i miss him and how much i love him. i asked him to come back soon. it was so unexpected and his hand felt so real and so soft and gentle on mine. no one else was home....just me and i know it was nathan, i know it.

hope you all can sleep tonight....i think i might be able to sleep a little better knowing nate is good.

take care all....i think of all of you everyday......diane

[ericasmom]

Brendans Daddy, Tony, glad that you made it through this day, going to the therapist and the cemetery were two good ways for you to release some of the pressure. What does your therapist think about your moving? I can really understand your wife wanting to mive, I probably would need to move or have the neighbor move, but it does add a whole new level of stress to your lives. I sure wish that the neighbor would move so that you three could stay put for a few years until you are more able to make more changes.

Lori, I have seen similar kinds of switches in behavior from partners, doing an almost 360 from what he presented himself. I am sorry that this happened to you, and I am sure that he has some redeeming qualities that you love. I love your attitude though, either figure out what it is you have or find out what you just lost. LOVE IT! And I fully agree.

Tyler's Mom, the only way it changes is when you make it change. You cannot change another human, but you can set limits and boundaries as to what is okay. What a lot of partners don't seem to get is that the love you have for your Child is unconditional. There is not that same allowance given to them or anyone else. While that may sound bitter or cold, for me it has always been true. I love my children with no question, but nobody else warrants that kind of love and devotion. My parents were estranged from me when I had Eri, showing me right then that no, nobody gets that kind of love from me. My husband, (second marriage) understands this aspect to my heart, that the kids are IT, and of course I love others, Love him to pieces, but others are not my kids and so it is not unconditional. Gosh, I sound so harsh and really, I am not. My husband is a wonder adn has been a solid and amazing being in my life, our lives.

Sus, love the wet towels in the dryer adn the kids clothing. I am glad taht you love Gary and the kids as you do.

Sherry so glad that you got away adn the weather was good. Are you in for a ton of rain or is that further south?