Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Diane, we posted at the same time. Oh Diane, I am so very glad for the time you had with Nathan today. I know that you had a visit with him and I know how dear those are. Few and far between but indeed affirmation that he is okay and that he is letting you know. Magical connections. So glad for you Diane.

[dwsmithrn]

dee...thanks...it was real..i know it was...it was nathan's hand on mine...i felt it, i did...not a dream...i was too awake for it to be a dream....it was like he was waiting for me to wake up so i would know it was him....i have mild MS, worse on the right hand/arm, so it shakes a bit...but when i looked at my hand it was calm and still while nathan was stroking my hand/fingers....he was there.....it was a perfect way to wake up and just hold on to that memory for awhile before i got out of bed...which was a long while....

diane...nathan's mom, always and forever

[summergirl]

Diane, your telling of Nathan coming to you and stroking your hand brought the tears flowing....I am so happy for you and so nice to hear you say "maybe you can sleep better tonite". I know I do not post often any more but I do read and I just had to let you know that I could feel your joy as I read....strength to you

Dear All - just letting you know I am still around, been reading but keeping quiet. It has been hectic around here...Tavian goes back to school tomorrow after being off all last week and today for Spring vacation......working in the yard. We have fish in our pond now although we were not ready for them....we had given ours to my friend and yesterday she decided to just drop off 10 into our pond when we were not home so tonight we had to get the pump all set up and going.....so even though we were not prepared we have to be now..lol

Work is also very busy but better busy to keep my mind from going where I do not want it to go.

Went to hubby's mom's for Easter yesterday, took Tavian's friend Damien with us, they had a great time having an easter egg hunt...the family was there and it was actually quite nice. My mother-in-law even made sure that she gave Damien the same thing she gave Tavian so he would not feel left out...that was great.......

I really miss you all but I know the day will come when I will be back here, in the mean time you are always on my mind and in my prayers.....loving you all. Kathy

Some pics of my Tavian...gotten so big...hope they post...

[summergirl]

OOOPS .... forgot to say attach

[lolynbo]

SAW THIS ON FB...

‎"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and that, is a great gift." ~Elizabeth Edwards

[daveydow1]

David age 6.

[charsng1234]

Diane I am so happy you had a visit from Nathan I keep hoping shane will come to me.. I miss him so much. well watching my grandson tonight have to go love to all.. sharon/shanes mom

[westleysmom]

Lorri-That is a great quote. That was a lady that had truly known loss. I hope she rests in peace.

Kathy-Good to see you and Tavian and of course Jessica. Is Damien the friend that Tav talked to about Jessica? I'm glad if it is that the friendship seems to be taking off. I have been posting less lately, because I have felt so inside myself. I know that's a crazy way to describe it, but it seems all the conversations that make sense are in my head! Scary I know. Anyway, I'm glad you're staying busy but always enjoy seeing pics of Tavian. he's growing up too fast as they all do.

Dee-Thanks, I know its pointless to blame myself, and I work it out and then one day the thought just comes again worded differently and I think its a whole new thought, when in fact, I've been through it over and over.

Colleen-You too. I know better, but still I do it. I'm sure Greg is right and one day, I will put these questions to rest once and for all.

Diane-What a gift. Something happened Saturday night that I haven't said anything to anyone about until I read about Nathan holding your hand. I had been given a copy of Heaven is For Real by my friend Jenny whose son Jeremy died 10 years before Westley. I read it in one sitting between loading wood on the tractor from cutting the tree. I never doubted that heaven was real, but it was an easy read. When I finished, I have to say that I was angry. The boy who visited heaven was only 3 and I don't think he was lying or anything, but his father is a pastor. And he kept saying how sick the little boy was and that God answered their prayers and let him live and I reckon all of that is true. But I was just so angry that the little boy's story of heaven and seeing people who were dead before he was born was the whole basis of the book. I was mad that God had not answered my prayers and that their son lived was proof that...what? Their prayers were better than mine? They were better than me? Their son was better than mine? What in the blue hell did it prove? So I went to bed very upset and almost not able to get to sleep, although I was really tired and knew I had to get up early for sunrise service on Sunday.I was seething because I knew everybody was going to be saying Happy Easter and other things to piss me off at church. (I'm not feeling the love these days) I was almost asleep, and I felt a hand on my shoulder, kind of squeezing hard, just for a second. And my anger was gone. I felt peaceful and calm and to use an over used phrase "touched by an angel." I think it was Westley letting me know that it was okay, he was okay. I shouldn't be angry that other people's prayers were answered because mine have been too, just not always. I didn't tell anybody til now. I guess I always think that people will think I'm over the edge. So I guess we're over the edge together, and that makes it better. I hope they can visit again soon.

Sherry-I'm so sorry that the guilt monkey gets on your back sometimes too. I know we would to a person have died for our child to live, and yet we blame ourselves for things we couldn't possibly have caused or prevented. Hugs to you. p.s. Davey is too cute. Love the pic.

Tony-I would likely be like Michelle and want to move, but it does seem that the neighbor should have to go. I hope you sleep well after your very long day.

I hope you all sleep well tonight and that you have a sweet dream of your angels.

[daveydow1]

Finally finished the state flower quilt. The border may look blue, but is actually shades of

lavender and purple. I hope this comes through.

:angry: :angry: :( Oh well......I'll have to try again tomorrow.

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Rhonda and Diane I am so very happy for your beautiful connections with your angels Nathan and Westley. A touch and a knowing - A gift more precious than fine gold.

Sherry What a sweet picture of "Little David". I can see the man he became in his gentle, kind eyes. i am anxious to see that wonderful quilt!!! It sounds lovely. I do enjoy seeing the angry faces when we are upset it is so very safe here just to be ourselves. I hope you will be able to upload tomorrow.

Tony and Sharon Glad you made it thru the day Rest well. I do understand the "needing" to sell the forever house. I hope you will be able to make the most positive chooice for your family.

Crystal I hear you Please remember to take care of you That is so important.

Good night indigos

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, how cool, it sounds like you and Diane were both calmed and comforted and given gifts on Easter weekend. So happy that Westley made a visit, and if that is off the edge, you are right, we are all hanging there with you.

Rhonda, I speak from experience about the guilt. Oh my yes, I even thought that if I had not married John, stayed in our old house one town away then later on when she made that decision to move to Kalamazoo she would have stayed here instead and be here now. Problem is...I will never know and I have repeatedly told my Son, Jon, that he should never feel guilty for inviting ERz to live withhe and his friends...she really did enjoy 11 wonderful months there, her most fun months. She was becoming an adult. She and I were embarking on that friendship that I had so hoped would occur between us. And while it was short, it was real. It will always be.

Sherry, what a dear photo of Davey. His hands are so sweet, large and purposeful. A dolly. Sherry said this: :angry: :angry: :( Oh well......I'll have to try again tomorrow. No worries Sherry, the photo will work tomorrow.

Kath, nice Tav photos. Wow, he just keeps on growing and changing. Give him hugs.

[mikesmum]

Australian and New Zealand Army Corps (ANZAC)is an alliance formed between the two island nations.

They formed part of the Gallipoli Campaign, that took place at the peninsula of Gallipoli in the Ottoman Empire between 25 April 1915 and 9 January 1916, during the First World War. Many young men lost their lives during this campaign. One thing that lived on was the ANZAC alliance. On the 25th of April we as a nation together with New Zealand take time to remember those who fought on this day and those who continue to fight in the true ANZAC spirit.

This is part of the prose written by Laurence Binyon "For the Fallen" that is incorporated into each ANZAC Day service....

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old:

Age shall not weary them, nor the years contemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning

We will remember them.

On the subject of guilt, yes it is part of our story. The whatifs ifonlys that underpin our grief will find their place. They won't leave, but in someways we will adjust how we see or do things based on what we wished we could have changed. For me it was waiting till the next morning to return Mikes call. He left a message the afternoon before he died. I worked and was exhausted. He said he was fine, I could call him the next day..as I went to my break to call him, the call for his arrest came in.

Its a beautiful Autumn day here. The bluest of skies backgrounding the hues of red, orange, yellow and green as the trees make ready for our winter. A chill in the air hides in the shadows, but the warmth of the sun is wonderful as I sit at the window.

Tomorrow I am off to the ocean once more. Recharging my batteries and returning for Mothers Day.

Peace to you Indigo's.

[mikesmomrs]

Diane and Rhonda: tears fell as I read of your visits from your angels...what an awesome gift for Easter weekend...I am so glad for both of you, so glad that you were able to know that it was your beautiful sons letting you know that they are ok. I remember when Mike died, all I wanted to know was if he was all right. I HAD to know if he was ok. I knew in my brain that God certainly had the capability to take care of him as well as I did, even better, of course, but I guess I needed to know it in my heart as well. Over time, I have had so many answers in so many forms and am grateful for every one, but the very first will always hold a special place in my heart. It was a phone message, discovered the day after Mike's services, when we were all discussing that none of us had a message from him on our phones...mine and his dad's cell phones rang, unexpectedly, while being charged, and when we went to see why the phones rang, we discovered a message on his dad's phone, from months before, that began with, "I got back okay." Mike had finished his chemo treatments and had gone to visit his sister in VA for a week, and he was letting us know that he got back that morning. His friend had picked him up at the airport. I was SO grateful for that message, but it wasn't until a year later that I "got" the actual connection from that first sentence to what I had NEEDED to know. "I got back okay." I am so glad that you both were so comforted and send love and strength to you both.

Rhonda: I don't mean to offend anyone here, but I personally don't think that God answered the little boy's family's prayers and didn't answer yours (or, ours)...I just think that we each have our predestined time to be on this earth...I truly believe that God doesn't have anything to do with the "how," and I also truly believe that our angels' spirits leave their bodies before they feel any pain from any kind of traumatic passing. I HAVE to believe that...those beliefs can get shaky sometimes, but when I come back to them, firmly, I am better able to face my days.

Susannah: Loved the dress on inside out, the towels still in the washer, and of course, the groceries still on the counter...loved that you knew you were missed!

Tony: It is a difficult decision about your house...when we sold ours, it was tough, We built that house from the ground up, and lived there for more than 20 years. Mike had spent his last days in our house, in hospice care, and I didn't think I would be able to leave. But I can truly understand why Michele would want to move. If you do sell and move, I hope you are able to come to grips with it, and the move does not cause so much added stress. I am glad that you got through today...

Kathy: so good to see your beautiful Jess's face, and thanks for sharing the pics of Tavian...he is growing much, much too fast...like I tell Damon, I need to squish him down so he won't grow for a bit! But, or course, they all need to do their growing...we just have to hold tighter to our "rememories."

Lori: I am so sorry that your husband is not supportive of your grief...this journey is difficult enough, and I wish so much that he could be more supportive to you. Ralph and I initially had some days when we were not on the same page and it was causing problems. I finally told him that I had to walk this journey in my own way, that it would be long and painful, and that I didn't know at the time if I would EVER smile again, or EVER be happy again, but that I definitely knew that I would never be the same again. I also finally told him that he didn't need to try to "fix" me, or "fix" it, that neither could be done. I just needed him to LISTEN to me, to be willing to talk about Mike when I needed to, and for Ralph to talk to me about him when HE needed to. I know that he had his own guilt to deal with...he and Mike were not very close during Mike's teen years or early 20's and I know that he regrets that terribly. I am thankful that they did become close in that 17 months before Mike died, and especially so in the last few months. I used to ruminate on the time wasted, but I finally worked through that, though there are still times when the ugly thoughts try to surface...I just send them out the back door of my mind...I can't go there. There is not a day goes by that Mike does not enter into our conversation at one point or another, and if tears come with that discussion, then so be it. Thankfully, laughter also comes, and for that I am thankful also.

Sherry: Cute picture of Davey...can't wait to see your pics of your quilt; I bet it is beautiful.

Karen: The first time I planned to spend time with other grieving parents, (from a site I was on a long while ago) I was going to travel to a town just 12 miles away and we were going to stay at the home of one of us overnight. It was just four of us. When Davis, my grandson, found out where I was going, to meet and stay overnight with people I had met on the INTERNET, he went ballistic! "I can't believe you are going to meet and stay with people you met on the INTERNET...you don't know anything about them!!! It could be some kind of set up." I finally "introduced" him to the people I was going to meet up with by letting him see the pics of them and their children he finally relaxed a bit, though he needed to check on me to see that I was okay while I was there, and greatly relieved to see me come back home in one piece! Of course, he had a point...I would have gone ballistic had he tried to do the same thing...

Trud: Were all of the eggs found? How's the finalization of the paper coming? As the tiny buds on our trees out front begin to get larger and even some are opening more and showing green, I realize that winter is settling in again in your part of the world. I look at your picture you sent of the trail that you walk sometimes when "in the hills" and imagine myself walking by your side, watching summer fade and autumn make its entrance once again. Shall we stop for a cup of tea...is it still warm enough to sit outside? Thanks for sharing the history of ANZAC...a lifetime ago, but always remembered by the freedoms we now enjoy. So glad you are going back to the ocean, wish I were there.

47 years ago today, I changed my life forever by committing myself to a young man I'd only known for six weeks...a man from a totally different part of the country from me...he from the laid back, deep south, and me, a Catholic girls' school graduate, from the "proper" city of Boston. We were told at the time that we had many obstacles to overcome...our faiths...him a "died-in-the-wool-Baptist" and me a "staunch Catholic"; our being poor as church mice; our young ages (he 21 and me 19), and of course, we were each the "baby" of eight in our families...raised last, thus differently, with some spoiling allowed...would we be able to work through all of that? Our faith has remained, though has been tested mightily, (and we are both Catholic now); we eventually started earning more money, but we still don't have any (lol); of course, we've grown older and wiser, and, we now spoil each other. The very first morning after our wedding day, we were in Virginia...just on the cusp of southern territory (me having never been south of Massachusetts before), having breakfast at a restaurant and I asked the waitress for some ketchup for my eggs. Ralph just about choked on his coffee..."You're putting ketchup on your eggs?" "Yes," I said. "I can't eat them without it." "They don't do that down here...you can't...people will think you are nuts. Please, please, don't do that." "Well, I guess they are going to have to think I'm nuts." "If you do that, I am going to leave and go out to the car." "Okay." He never went to the car, and we've been getting used to each other's idiosyncracies ever since...adopting those we like and ignoring those we don't. Our journey through life together has been a heck of a trip, up, down, down and up again, truly blessed, and truly challenged. But guided by one bottom line...we try to remember that we each love the other more than anyone or anything else in this world...most of the time we do remember...but, no one's perfect. He's still never tried ketchup on his eggs. But, I won't try peanuts in my coke, either.

[ModKonnie]

Carol,

Happy Anniversary! What an inspirational story about working together. Hahahaha. I hate ketchup on my eggs, but my mother loves it. I also don't like grits or peanuts in my coke, even though I am southern-born and bred.

ModKonnie

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Happy Anniversary to you and Ralph! Yaaahoooo...

Diane - I am thrilled for you and absolutely believe it was Nathan.

Rhonda - I am also excited for your shoulder squeeze.

Trudi - Love the words from the prose.

Peace to all of you!!!!!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ModKonnie]

Diane,

I am happy for you. I am so glad you've gotten to experience what must have been a profound moment. Did you sleep better because of it?

ModKonnie

[shorty16]

Tony

I am going to put a different spin on the moving. I read that several here have stated the neighbor should move. The accident scene is the neighbors yard. Whoever lives there, this place will still be the accident scene.

We live 1/4 mile from where Brian died on the side of the road. Scott and I have done all we can to avoid that area. No matter who lives around there, the place where my son died is still there.

I understand that the neighbor was neglegent and seeing him is difficult. Whoever lives in that house - the accident scene will still be there.

Just my 2 cents, because I live it everyday.

Colleen

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. Well I made it through another day without my Brendan. I went to bed around 9:00 and woke up this morning the same as usual. Sad and lost.

Rhonda and Diane

Those are amazing stories for your son's giving you comfort and showing you that they are ok and safe in Heaven. I keep praying and waiting for something profound like that to happen to Michele or myself. I would do anything to feel Brendan's touch or hear his sweet voice one last time. Maybe some day I will get that special sign from Brendan. Like all of you I just want to KNOW that Brendan is safe and happy in Heaven. As his daddy it is not good enough for me to just believe it. I need to KNOW. Your stories help me to build my faith each day.

Colleen

You are right. Michele is so broken living in that house. She feels like she is a prisoner trapped in her own house. I know we need to move. I am just not looking forward to leaving this home where we have so many precious memories of Brendan. I can't even imagine the day we walk out of that house for good.

On Saturday night we were at a Friends house coloring Easter Eggs. Our friend Carrie told us that she had a dream on Friday night. She dreamt that she was on a park bench talking to her Grandmother who had been dead for around 6 years. In her dream Carrie was crying about the loss of Brendan saying how unfair it was and how tragic it was. She said her Grandmother looked at her and said. Whats the big deal? Don't worry about him. We have him here. I have seen him and he is just fine. That dream made both Michele and I feel really good. It is the second time somebody had a dream about a loved one in Heaven who said that Brendan is there with them. I am crying as I type this because I want to be with my son so very badly. I want to watch him grow up. I want to kiss him goodnight. I want to help him with his homework. I want to watch him sleep. I want to hear him laugh. I want and miss everything about my Brendan. I need one of those very obvious signs from him. I want him to hold my hand one last time and tell me he is ok.

It is another rainy day in Wisconsin. Shocking I know. I don't feel nearly as strong as yesterday. I have a lot of anxiety and I am missing Brendan like crazy. I just can't get used to the "New" life. I miss you so much Brendan. Please help me get through this day. Day #143 without my son and best buddy. I hate this.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

CarolWhat special pictures of your and Ralph Happy Anniversary What a lovely couple You guys have certainly stood the test of time. I do hope you enjoy a special dinner today. I really smiled at the tomato catsup on eggs story and loved how much love Davis had when he thought you might be seeing "Internet folks"

Trudi It is hard to realize it is "Autumn " there again I too was touched by the prose and the dignity afforded to remembering the sacrifice of the few.

Rhonda and Dee and Truci I too suffer from the Should Haves,Could Haves from time to time and feel it is the price we pay for loving them so very much

Betsy, Hope your Birthday was special

Sus I bet those groceries are put away now!!!

Sherry Hope to see that wuilt today and that these faces disappear

Must run this AM

[crystalann]

Morning all,

I had a really bad day yesterday.It started with my husband and his getting mad that he isnt getting all the attention.I always had told him my kids come first and always will so you better not ever make me choose.He seams to get mean to the lids when they turn 17 for some reason.We had been argueing all the time before this happened.I think when you finish high school you should get a break enjoy being young while you have a chance.He was being very hard on Tyler.I had made my choice and left several times.I told him I feel like you were making me choose and god did it for me.That would not have been my choice.

I have tryed so hard to not yell at my two younger kids.We have four small chugs when they let them out two days ago they got in to something that smelled awful! I told the kids they needed a bath before they could come in.They didnt do it and the dogs had to stay out all night.So yesterday my son wants to drive to Reno.I told him no there was alot to dp around here and I could use the help.He just went off on me and said I have been yelling at him since Tyler had been gone.All I could say was noI have not and went to my room.

So after dinner I told my daughter to give her dog a bath and I would do Daisy and Tylers dog Lily.I washed my two and got the tub ready for one of them to do their dogs.I told my daughter it was ready and she said I dont want to I didnt even want that dog.My mouth dropped open.I told her you cant just love him when you feel like it.I also told her that her and her brother were being lazy and not caring about their dogs.She just started yelling at me.I finally said I have had enough wash them or dont I dont care and went to bed.That was 7 last night and I am still in my room. I MISS YOU TYLER AND LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART.

Love to all, Crystal

[kmb22]

Edit

[crystalann]

Ok so this is something that has been on my mind from day one.In the end of 09 we started seing Tyler get very angry.He would wake up mad every day and go thru the day angry.After a few months it didnt get better.I knew something had to be wrong he never acted like that never raised his voice to me.I sat him down one morning with his dad and told him I could tell something was wrong.I said you need to tell me I will help you.He said he didnt want to tell me he wanted things to be normal till he was done with school.He had tears in his eyes.Is something wrong with you do you think your sick? He said Im gonna die. I said how do you know that have you seen a dr.Thats it you have to tell me.We were all crying.He finally said he had found a lump.He found it in the summer before his tenth grade.My mind said omg that was 08 right after my mom passed.So he never told us.We got in the car and took him to the ER.I can remember crying and praying.Please let him be ok,dont make him go thru all that comes with this.I CAN NOT LOSE A CHILD PLEASE GOD. The ER said it was just lumps of build up.Not cancer I was so relieved.Well he didnt even get a full year of not thinking he was gonna die,before he was gone.Well his girlfriend told me he did tell her and there was more lumps than before.We were waiting for insur. to kick in before we could take him to a real dr. I think about it all the time.Was it bad and we didnt know.Was this a way for god to take him right away and him not have to do the things he thought he was facing?I just dont know,but I want to know.I want to see if the autopsy shows anything.I dont know if I will ever find out.I just hate this pain I want it to go away and I want Tyler back.Please just make it stop

[ericasmom]

Tony, when our little neighbor died, many many years ago, her parents asked those of us close to report any dreams we might have of Alice. So one morning I ran down the block and told Sarah, (mom) adn Rob (dad) about a dream I'd just had. I dreamed that morning that Alice and I were at a store, an old fashioned wooden floored store, and I was carrying her, she was not able to walk the last months of her life, (brain tumor) and she could no longer talk back then. In my dream, she smiled at me and said, let me down Dee, and I did, so happy to hear her sweet voice, and she ran through the store. Her beautiful face and her amazing grace. ..Well as I told them, Rob wailed, and Sarah held him and said, Rob had just had a dream that night that he and Ali were in a big store, a big old fashioned candy store, and she could walk and talk. That was surely Alice letting us know that she was whole again, that she was happy, she could run and dance and sing adn talk again, and go to candy stores, which she loved.

As far as moving, it is so individual it cannot be decided with any ease, and for that I am sorry.

Crystal, has anyone looked into Tyler's lumps at all. Poor baby was scared, I am sorry.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Dee that is an amazing story. The more stories I hear like this the more confident I get that Brendan and I will be together again. That we will all be with our kids again one day. I hope and pray that we all get messages from our loved ones like this. I hope that God allows Brendan to come to me in a dream sometime soon. It has been quite a while since I have had a dream about my sweet little boy. I am afraid that I am falling apart and need something. Thanks for the amazing story. It truly gave me goosebumps.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[crystalann]

Dee,

We only know what the Er told us.They said it was nothing they had done a ultrasound.That was the end of march of 2010.His dad had been out of work and no insurance to take him any where.That was a big part of his dad taking this job good coverage.So now we have it and no Tyler.He did say they hurt sometimes.I hope they noted some thing in the autopsy report I just need to know.

[shorty16]

Tony,

I have not dreamt of Brian at all. I think my brain is too clogged. But Brian's friends have come to me with stories. The one that sticks in my mind was of the night he died. His friend, Tom came over to our home and told us he had a dream about Brian that night.

Brian was dressed all in white, had the biggest smile on his face and was just zooming around the room. Then he was gone. This same young man has had 3 other dreams - but Brian does not say anything to him. He is just there.

I know we will see our children again. Brian and Brendan are in good hands in heaven. We are the ones left to pick up the pieces.

Hang on, my friend.

Colleen

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos.....i am still feeling nathan's hand on mine....i don't know how many people would really believe that happened, but i KNOE all of you would believe it....

rhonda....believe it, it was westley....telling you he is ok....and he will come back, when the time is right...i believe nathan will come back to me.

my best friend had a dream 2 nights before nathan held my hand...she said she was riding past my house and she saw nathan and lee sitting in the front yard and she stopped in and asked nathan how he was doing and he said he was 'good', then she asked how i was doing and he said, hesitantly, 'she's, well, ok'....then on monday, he came and held my hand.....she said i know he was trying to tell us that he IS GOOD and to try to reassure me that he is ok and i need to believe it.

i am still very emotional and my grief is in no way gone, but that small wonderous thing certainly helped me know my baby is ok.

tony, sharon and the others, there will come a time for your babies to come to you....i didn't believe either, until it happened. i have been such a mess...and still am, i wonder when or if it will happen again, but i know i am now open to the possibility....keep your mind and your heart open, it can and it will happen.....

my 2 1/2 year old grandson came to my son, lee, as he was getting home from work at 6:30 am a few weeks ago and said there was a man in his room. lee asked him what he was doing, and jayden said, 'nofing...just smiling at me....it was uncle nafan'....this child has no idea where nathan is or what happened to him. we haven't told him anything because even though he is smart, he lags behind just a tad due to him being a 26 week preemie....but really smart. we just figure he is way too young to tell him about nathan yet....now, that will give you chills....nathan was checking on his little nephew, whom he adored. also, my son-in-law said he saw nathan in his back seat when he was driving home one night and was so tired, it startled him and he was scared to look again, but he was just smiling, no words exchanged. he thinks nathan was guiding him home safely since he was too tired to drive home. i just heard about all these stories since i told them about nathan holding my hand. they were afraid to tell me, thought it would be upset since i had not heard from him yet. it just reassures me that nathan really did love his family and didn't mean to hurt us badly. i miss him like crazy and can't stop crying.

tony, as far as moving, i could not dare sell this house, this place where nathan grew up for the most part...whre friends gathered after school for snacks, basketball games and stories of the weekends. i can't leave my memories. i know where every scratch in the wood floor came from, i can't leave the walls...they tell me stories of all the kids as they grew up and one by one left home. i can only imagine what your family is going through,with that neighbor and the horror of living next to the person, it must be horrible, but you should think on it before you make that decision. i couldn't bare to leave this house of my most precious memories.

thanks to all of you for your comments, your beliefs, you love and actually holding me up....don't know if could make without you....i am feeling the love......have a good day....diane

[dwsmithrn]

crystal...i am sorry you are in such pain and despair...i feel your pain, too...i cry so much that my voice is hoarse all the time. people think i'm sick, well, i am, sick at heart. even though i felt my nathan, it doesn't stop the heartache...i am fortunate that my husband is kind and gentle and understanding, so i am sorry that you are having to deal with that issue along with your grief...i am so sorry...wish you were close by, so we could meet and sit and chat together. i think it would help to be face to face, even if we did nothing but cry together. my friend lets me do that, and it helps a lot. she is not in my shoes, but she is very understanding of my extreme grief. so, she cries when i cry. sometimes, that is all i need...someone to cry with me. i wish i could make this monster all better for all of us, but apparently i can't, because i couldn't for my own son....and i tried. i read 'heaven is for real' too...and i wondered why some people get answered prayers, while mine were totally empty....i am still at odds with god...did not go to church easter, haven't been to church in a long while...maybe god doesn't even like me anymore, i don't know, but that's where i ma right now.

hope you have a better day today...i'll be thinking about you....diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, I am so glad that the others are letting you know of the dreams and visions. I love that the little guy saw his Uncle in his room. I do believe your Boy was reaching out to those he loves and letting them know as best he can that he is fine. I love the work of angels. The dreams too, those are gifts from our Babies.

[aim630]

I will try to catch up later after I make dinner, but just want to say my daughter came home from school and said a freshman at her school had died. She said she heard it might be diabetes, but the rumor was she killed herself. I just read from another friend on Facebook that is related to her that she did kill herself. 15 years old...I immediately started bawling even though I have never met this girl or her family. Just the thought that some other family has to go through this terrible journey that never really ends.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[dwsmithrn]

amy.....my heart aches for this family....i know what they will have to go through each and every day, as you all do as well....it's so difficult every day...i will be thinking of this family....diane

[ericasmom]

AMy, my thoughts to this family and to yours as you struggle to frame this newest local tragedy. It is very hard on our souls when we are touched by a loss like this. Hard to find perspective for me when someone nearby dies. Prayers and hope.

[westleysmom]

Lori-So you win the award for the month with the most difficult set of "holidays", forget my trifecta, you have five hard days coming, was it? One day at a time, but some days really are harder than others. Hugs

Carol-Loved the pictures. Happy anniversary to you both. Its just so hard for me because I always was taught that God was all powerful and all knowing. So I can't reconcile that the One who is all powerful could not have prevented the deaths of our children, if He had wanted to. I don't want to offend anybody either, but I can't fit the pieces together where they make sense. And it makes me feel so disoriented to think that the One that I always thought loved me and my kids and my family allowed this pain to happen to us. I did not question God this way when my Daddy died. I think before he died, the thing that I was most mad at God about was letting him live long enough that I prayed for him to die because he was in so much pain.

We had terrible storms in TN last night and our power at work was out until 10 or so. Cable and internet never did come on at work and tonight the storms may be back, and tomorrow too. So if I'm out of touch for a few, that's what's going on here. I have talked to CJ and he is supposed to get out on Thursday night. He's pretty excited, and I'm glad that he's getting out. But then of course, I'll start worrying about him again. I hope all goes well.

Amy-So sad, I'm very sorry to hear of that. On TV at my Mama's this morning, there was a thing on Today about 2 young girls who made a suicide pact and did it. The pain that people are in sometimes is unbelievable, especially those that are so young.

Dee-Sweet Alice, I think of her sometimes and wonder how her family is. I can't remember if you said you are still in touch with them. I know what you mean too, if you start down the road of decisions that led us to where we are, there's no stopping point. I know its pointless to blame myself and yet I can't stop, at least not always. Two steps forward and one back, or two and three, more often.

I hope you all sleep well and have sweet dreams of your angels

[lolynbo]

WELL GOT THE PROM DRESS, PROM SHOES, CORSAGES ORDERED, KODYS TUX RENTED, HAIR AND MAKEUP PAID FOR.....AND KODY AND BROOKE BROKE UP....WE WERE AT CEMETERY AND HER PHONE WENT OFF WITH A TEXT, AND EVIDENTLY IT WAS A GUY TEXTN HER ABOUT SOMETHING THEY HAD DONE TOGETHER...I DIDNT ASK WHAT BUT MY SON LOST IT...HE WAS CRYING AND CUSSING IM CRUSHED AND HES CRUSHED...

[westleysmom]

Lorri-I'm so sorry. When he'll let you, give Kody a big hug. It is so hard when somebody hurts our babies. Hugs to you too.

[aim630]

Carol-Happy Anniversary to you & Ralph!

Diane-I'm so happy you were able to feel Nathan's hand on yours, and your grandson felt Nathan also. I do believe it was really him. I felt Ashley one time in my dreams that seemed real. It was 3 to 4 months after she died. She told me she was ok.

Rhonda-I'm glad CJ is getting out this week. Hopefully he learned something from his time in jail. I tend to agree with you about the God thing. I feel I've been a pretty good person, so I don't understand why God had to take my daughter away. I also didn't question God when my dad died. Losing a child just shakes you to the core & makes you question all your beliefs. I hope with time we'll be able to not blame God so much. I like reading everyone else's ideas and opinions, it makes me think in new ways.

Lorri-I'm sorry about Kody & Brooke. It breaks your heart when someone breaks your child's heart. It sounds like you've done a lot for Brooke and treated her like a daughter. Hugs to both of you.

Crystal-I'm sorry it's been such a bad day for you. Tyler had to be scared because he found the lumps, and you were probably so relieved when they told you it was not serious, then to lose him less than a year later. Life's just not fair, I just don't get it. Ashley told several people (including me) the summer before she got sick that she felt she would not live to be 25, and she died at 23. I don't know why she felt that way & I told her not to talk like that.

The girl who killed herself today had diabetes, so they think she may have had very low blood sugar and maybe that had something to do with it. She was very popular, and Katie does not think she had been bullied, but who knows what was going on in her mind, or what was going on in her life to make her feel such despair. It's just very sad. The kids are all wearing orange to school tomorrow because it was her favorite color.

Sad day, but aren't they all anymore. Some are just sadder than others.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Lorri, when you hug Kody for me, plant an extra prayer into his spirit that says: Lord let Kody take this new sadness and turn it into a piece of the bridge he will need to cross over the next rough river, each new experience building a bridge for the next, both good and bad creating our pathways through the hard times that we meet along the way.

I will also send prayers for you Lorri, as you have developed a big relationship with Brooke, and i know that your heart is also hurting. You know how teens are however, they may get back together and maybe this was not what it looked like. I hope so anyway.

Carol, forgot to wish you and your Man Ralph, a happy anniversary, and I sure am impressed and awed by the strength and union you two have created in your lives. HOORAY!

Amy I will wear orange tomorrow too.

Rhonda, I heard about the storms in your area, be careful please. More storms in St. Louis area as well, GREG, are you okay?

Lynn, what about you? Are you okay? Dan, you good?

Crystal, Tyler's Mom, I am sorry that Tyler had the experience of being afraid for his health. Insurance should not prevent proper care for folks, that is why I get so angry at those that fight the health care issues that Obama supports. All people should be able to see doctors and get treatments when necessary. My two cents.

[charsng1234]

tell me why is it I can smile at work talk to co workers than get off work and lose it? I feel this pain in my chest that won't go away. I look at pictures of shane and I get so mad I feel robbed of what could have or what would have been,, If that makes sense I dont knol..It is awful that I look outside and see nothing no sun no new leaves no nothing. I just know my body is sreaming for my babyi cry and read the post. sorry about the color change I have no clue what I did.. Night my BI family..

shanes mom/ sharon.

[mikesmum]

But guided by one bottom line...we try to remember that we each love the other more than anyone or anything else in this world...most of the time we do remember...but, no one's perfect. He's still never tried ketchup on his eggs. But, I won't try peanuts in my coke, either.

Carol - Congrats on the anniversary. I get the ketchup on the eggs, coke and peanuts not so much. Such a young naive couple who prove each day that they understand what it takes.

Lorri - Hug your baby for me. No matter how old, big or tall they get, when they break they shatter. Hugs to you too I know how hard you have worked on his graduation and on her dress her everything for his big day.

Back at the Bay this afternoon. The sun is beautiful, chilly when it begins to set, but the peace and tranquility is something else.

Pics taken this afternoon while we did the yard work. I have an inspection this week, keep forgetting I'm only renting..

Flowering Gum

Grevilla

My Garden Gnome (Mal)

My garden swing.....ahhhhh

[mikesmum]

Sharon - Just missed your post. We do what my psych calls 'putting on a good front'. We do it almost robotically. We do it to protect others from our pain, we do it to get through our day, we save our tears for those time when we can be alone with our thoughts our memories........

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi: the "peanuts in the coke" means dropping peanuts into a coke bottle and drinking it with the peanuts in it. I did try it...but, no thanks.,,I was always afraid the peanuts would come rushing into my mouth and choke me to death. besides, the taste left a lot to be desired! thanks for sharing the pics...so glad you are back at your peaceful place...good pic of Mal...he looks content.

saw many hearts in many places today, as Ralph and I went to an early supper...lazy-man's lobster was my selection (it means the lobster has already been picked from the shell, just sitting there, ready for eating). On the way home, a red punch buggy showed up and on the next corner, a yellow one, each a caress to our hearts. I will tell you all later what our present is to each other...won't know til Thursday if we will get it or not.

Lorri: So very sorry about Brooke and Kody...sending hugs to him and you, also.

Sharon: For the first year or year and a half after Mike died, my voice was hoarse. People used to ask me if I was ill...I would just look at them, the tears would fill my eyes...they didn't ask again. I spent that time crying, sometimes screaming, most of the way to and from work, pretty much every day. It does get better, it truly does.

Just to update you all, Davis's friend is home from the hospital, but unfortunately not doing a lot better...they "had" to let him out because they "needed the room." He is back in the same living situation which greatly contributed to his problems in the first place. But, he does feel better and seems more stable. Davis is also feeling somewhat better. We talked, a lot, and he seemed to finally understand that he cannot control what his friend does...he can only encourage and be there for him. If he doesn't want to take his meds, or he wants to drink while taking them, Davis can't take on that responsibility of keeping him from doing those things. Davis really appreciated my listening to him, and he also has an appt with his therapist later this week. He spent his day off today doing his laundry and cleaning his room, then joined us to watch some of the baseball game later in the evening. Thank you all fo ryour prayers and good thoughts.

Rhonda: The "God" thing is individual for everyone... no offense taken to whatever anyone says regarding that subject. We all need to express ourselves, and if anger or disbelief is part of that, then so be it...we each have the right (and the need) to talk about that...as has been said here before...no judgments here, just comfort and understanding---always. I am glad that CJ is getting out soon, and hope that the lessons learned will stick...you have been so good to be there for him. You are a good person.

Those with storms about, please be careful! Let us know that you are okay...

Amy: I am so very sorry about the young girl from Katie's school...so very sad that yet another family has joined us on this journey.

sending love and wishes for peaceful moments to all of my indigo family tonight...though it is late, and likely everyone has gone to bed by now.

[andy88]

Hello Friends!

I went to see my therapist on Monday. I was in a very negative place. He told me to try to focus on the happy memories and try not to focus on a future without Andy because that would just be painful. He reminded me that I had a life before Andy and that it was still possisble to have a life after him. I was highly skeptical, but I gave it a try. When I started thinking about all the things I wouldn't have in the future, I stopped myself and thought about a happy memory instead. Well, I had a very good day yesterday. I don't know if that's a coincidence or not, but I thought I'd share the idea with you just in case it might help anyone. I know the future won't be as good as what I had hoped for, but I'm trying to be open to the possibility that there is still happiness or at least peace to be found. I'm thinking maybe in a year of going overseas to teach English as a second language. It gives me a goal to shoot for and something to look forward to and perhaps a purpose for my life. I need a reason to go on. Had dinner with one of Andy's friends and it was a lovely time. I did cry last night, but it wasn't a horrible, gut-wrenching cry.

Loved the pictures! Hang in there everyone. Thanks for letting me share my pain with you.

With love,

Pam

[shorty16]

My friends,

Good morning my friends.

I have a question for some of you.

Do you feel that when a husband and wife grieve so differently that they cannot help but grow apart?

Scott grieves internally - not turning to anyone for help, not talking about Brian unless I bring it up.

I, on the other hand, cannot stop talking about my son. It is who I am now.

I cannot help but feel like we are growing apart. I know it is me and not him. I love my husband very much, but feel so stuck. I have moved so far forward in my grief that I can hardly even see Scott in my rear view mirror of life. How can I make this stop? He will not change - he is who he is.

I am having a rough day today.

PS: I have talked to him about it. He does not see it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[andy88]

Hugs Colleen.

My friends,

Good morning my friends.

I have a question for some of you.

Do you feel that when a husband and wife grieve so differently that they cannot help but grow apart?

Scott grieves internally - not turning to anyone for help, not talking about Brian unless I bring it up.

I, on the other hand, cannot stop talking about my son. It is who I am now.

I cannot help but feel like we are growing apart. I know it is me and not him. I love my husband very much, but feel so stuck. I have moved so far forward in my grief that I can hardly even see Scott in my rear view mirror of life. How can I make this stop? He will not change - he is who he is.

I am having a rough day today.

PS: I have talked to him about it. He does not see it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

My heart to all of you!

Living in the now, focusing on this moment, verbally reminding myself what day it was - what time it was - what I was doing at that precise moment, often was the only thing that got me to the next moment. At times the NOW was unbearable knowing my Stephanie wasn't in it. I had to give myself permission to feel that loss...to grieve that loss...to cry, scream, yell, sleep...whatever it took to get to the next moment without her.

There comes a time, I think - I hope, when that moment isn't as unbearable. I seem to be in the less painful moment these days. It's a welcome reprieve.

Colleen - I'm sorry you feel you and Scott are drifting apart. I hope the lines of communication will open and you two will be able to meet on the same page. Or at least in the same book.

Gotta go....Don't beat yourselves up for yesterday's choices based on what you know today.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. I hope that one day I will be able to start out a post with a good morning, but I have yet to have one of those.

Colleen

I am really sorry to hear about your struggles with your husband. I pray that you will figure it out. I am scared because Michele and I are also grieving so differently only we are just the opposite. I am the one that wants to talk about Brendan and cry and she is the one that seems to be holding it inside.

Pam

Your therapist gave you very good advice. When I think about what could have been or what might have been with Brendan I completely lose my mind. He was 7 and had so many hopes and dreams of his own. I had so many hopes and dreams for him. I just wanted to be his daddy. That is all I ever needed and I only had him here for 7 years. I know I need to start thinking about happy memories more often and not what might have or should have been.

Lorri - I am so sorry your son is hurting.

Sharon - I try to do the same thing as you. I sit at work and try to get as much done as possible. I don't do much smiling or laughing, but I don't let them see me cry at work very often. I usually sit in my office for a couple hours then I go outside and take a drive to the Cemetery or to a park and just unload everything I was holding in for the past two hours. By the time 6:00 or 7:00 at night rolls around I think I am just so exhausted that I usually feel a little better. Then morning comes and I start all over again. I think we all put on a front so others don't feel so uncomfortable.

Rhonda - The God thing is a tough subject for me as well. I believe that Brendan is in Heaven and that he is safe and happy. I just have to believe that. Not believing that means I may never see him again and I can't live with that. I am also so very angry at God. I don't understand how this could happen. I agree with you that because God is all powerful that he could have saved my Brendan on that horrible Saturday. I believe that God could have saved Brendan, but chose not to. That is hard for me to live with, but I know that God sees things differently than we do. I hope and pray that when we all get to Heaven and KNOW that we will be with our kids for Eternity then our short time here might make more sense. I have to believe that God has a plan. I have to believe that we will all see our kids again one day. That does not mean I agree with God or his plan, but I do believe he is real and I do believe we will understand more when our time comes.

As for me today it is just another day. Every day seems really bad lately. I cry so often that I am continuing to lose weight. 185 lbs seems so long ago. I jumped on the scale last night and it read 158. I miss Brendan more and more with each passing day and feel like I am losing the will to be here. Do mornings ever get any better? It is so hard to get up in the morning because I know what my day is going to be like? It is the exact same every morning and I hate it so much. I drag myself out of bed and into the shower. Then I have a good cry as I stare at Brendan's empty room. Then I kiss his blanket and smell it just so I can remember his sweet smell. Then I walk around outside for a couple minutes and stare at the accident spot in the yard and cry some more. Then its off to the Cemetery where I unload all I can before I go to work. Now I sit at work knowing I need to fight through the day and hold all these feelings in until I can escape to go cry again. I hate this new life. I hate feeling like this. I hate living without my son and best buddy. It is just not fair. He was not supposed to die so young. I only got 7 years with Brendan and I feel so guilty. My dog is 8 years old, but I could only keep my oldest son alive for 7. How is that possible? Nobody should ever have to bury a child!!!!!! I hate this new life. Sorry for being a downer as usual. I just miss my little man. He should be on Easter break having a blast. I should be taking him to a Brewer game this week.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[ericasmom]

Tony, your precious Son sure does look like you. What a handsome pair you make. That day really happened, it will always be a time and a place in your heart and also in Brendan's heart. Once here, never gone, just out of our reach, but not gone. I know that this does not help now, but maybe one day it will be a soothing thought. HOpe so anyhow.

Col, could it be that you and Scott are also just going through changes as you enter that new place with each other having the kids the ages they are? As we age we definitely change, and nobody changes in the same pace or ways as another. I hope that the two of you will be able to find that place you can share and be strong with. The rain is not helping th emood I know.

Trud, the photos are great, and John will be glad to see that there is antoher garden gnome in the group.

[crystalann]

Morning all,

I dont think I have done anything but cry and sleep for two days.I am so sick of being alone.Alone in the morning alone at night its becomeing to much.Im gonna have to put the dogs clothes on them to pretend I have company.

Now I am trying to figure out the court stuff.I dont know anything about it.What is a statues hearing?If they offered this kid a deal and he said no why does he still have time to think about it? How many time will they go back to court to get his answer?What is the preliminary hearing?Who does Lucy and my stepdad have to talk in front of?We do try to talk to theDA but when I get on the phone with him he seems very shady they all do.I know it is better on our case,but is that how it is every where?They gave him a deal and pretty much told him take it or we will add the death penalty.I just dont want to do this.I have never been in a court.Do we have to dress a certain way?I dont know this just adds more stress.Maybe someone here knows what all this stuff meens.We are all just scared of court.

Love to all,Crystal

[westleysmom]

Tony-I'm so sorry for the gut wrenching pain that you are having right now. When I came here last summer about 5 months into the "after", it was pretty bad, worse than it had been in the early months. It got better for a time, but then really got bad at the holidays, and the one year mark was bad. I guess for me its been a rollercoaster ride, up and down. I hope the ups get higher and the downs not as low as time goes by, for me and for us all. But its too soon for me to say for sure. What a great picture of you both, a sweet happy memory. Hold on is all I can tell you, our bumpy ride is far from over.

Colleen-I'm so sorry that you feel the distance growing and Scott does not. Maybe Dee is right that the changes in your relationship not only have to do with Brian, but are things that would have to be addressed anyway at this point in your lives? I don't know, we were almost empty-nesters anyway, since my daughter had been gone for several years and Westley was almost to the point where he could afford to move out on his own. My husband can't talk about Westley much either, but to tell the truth, neither can I, except in the occasional comment. No deep discussions, at least not very often. I can write about him better than I can talk, because I get so emotional still when I say his name. Hugs friend, I hope that it gets better for you both.

Trudi-That first picture is so beautiful, of the flowers. Good picture of your garden gnome, too. Hard to believe that it is autumn where you are, we're having terrible spring storms and flooding.

Pam-It sounds like the therapist is helping. I'm glad you're finding that the sessions are helping. Teaching abroad sounds exciting, something to plan for. Sometimes when songs come on the radio and I have a choice, I'll pick a station that is playing a song that was from my life before Westley was born and try to remember what it was like before him. Not before he died, before he lived, when I didn't even know him. I don't know why I do that, it just helps me to realize that what your therapist said is true, we lived without them before, so I guess it follows that it is possible. The days are not as bright without them, and now not only do we not have them, we KNOW we don't have them, and that is the difference. I know that sounds crazy, but hell, I'm a crazy woman and we have crazy thoughts.

Stay safe everybody, I think it might get bad again here today.

[shorty16]

Dee

You are so smart. Michelle is 21 going on 30. She is responsible and we have to do little guidance with her. Aaron (17) is the opposite. He is impulsive and has a temper. I think one of my biggest issues is Aaron just being a teenage boy. I have learned that some teenage boys do such stupid stuff that it ends their life. I am scared that Aaron will follow his brother, Brian into this trap.

I wish I could get over this fear. Once I can get over this fear, Scott and I could actually go out and have a good time without worrying about AJ.

I am rambling. Always trying to find a reason for this.

Tony, Love the picture of you and Brendan.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever