Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Good for Gary to be so supportive, and good for you too. From my little understanding about coumadin, it is a blood thinner used to help out with blood clots and so that makes perfect sense, and light headed does too if the blood flow was hampered. I know that you must be frightened, my hope is for only good news for you all.

Sherry, I know, I am not great at the photo posting either. Sometimes it works while other times...not so much.

thanks for the prayers for Kris and family.

Greg, sounds like a good plan, going fishing. I hope that while you are there you feel the distinct presence of your Brian. And may the fish be biting. Brian's birthday is on the 19th isn't it?

[briansdad]

Greg, sounds like a good plan, going fishing. I hope that while you are there you feel the distinct presence of your Brian. And may the fish be biting. Brian's birthday is on the 19th isn't it?

Yep the best day of my life

Eri's is soon too isn't it ?

[ericasmom]

Goodnight Everyone, sleep well. May the spring weather shine in your windows tomorrow, (well not you Trud, but that is okay, it isn't supposed to). I wish that I had words that could soothe and calm those of you whose lives are upside down, but all I can offer is hope. And while that seems an impossible thing, it is in-fact real, I have hope for us each.

Sweet sleep,

dee

[charsng1234]

I was at work today I was actualy working and did not think about anything but work for about 2 hrs. I went to the bathroom at work and cried feeling so bad and guilty that shane was not in my thoughts. I felt like a terrible mother. I just do not know what to do This is the hardest thing a parent could go through. I left work at 5pm had a panick attack wanted to yell scream throw a fit!! My mind wanted shane and now!! The 15th is cooming up again my 3 month mark I just feel so bad dont know what to do how to live with out my boy. shanes mom

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Sus glad to hear the news about your daughter. Prayers still being sent. It is good you will take the trip to see her and include Carol and Karen. Gary is a keeper

Tony I hope your Birthday had a sweet rememory of Brendan

Sherry thanks for the information about the Rabies Vaccine Take your time with the photo upload I have trouble one day ant he next it works

DeePrayers for your friend as well

I am tired and falling asleep but just anted to post this web site it is a live camera feed from an Eagles nest with 3 new babiy eagles It is fun to watch.

http://www.ustream.tv/decoraheagles

Have a good sleep everyone

[kmb22]

Edit

[ericasmom]

Morning all.

A beautiful sky-ribboned in layers of lavendar, blue, pink, and melon as I walked eastward. I slept poorly but the morning walk rejuvinated my spirit.

Thanks Betty for the eagles nest video. I forgot about it and am sending it to my school email.

Karen, yep paranoia is part of things too. Sorry for that, trust your gut.

Greg, ERi's birthday was April 4th, mine is the day after Brian's. I think my Son is going fishing today with a friend, it is his favorite hobby.

Until Later,

dee

[shorty16]

Shane's Mom - It is OK that you feel guilty for not thinking of your beautiful son 24/7. That will happen and it is normal. When our brain allows us the think of something other than our child, our emotions tell us as mother's "You should be suffering as much as your son did. Why are you not crying, your son is dead - Horrible person you" That is our primal-emotion to feel what our kids feel.

That too will pass, with time and work (which you have really made an effort and I am so proud of you).

This is ok that you feel this way. It is normal and we all have or will experience this.

Thanks for sharing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Greg said: "I thought I'd go again and maybe I'll feel special"

You are special, Greg!! Your wife and kids think so, and so do we. Have a good time. We all know it is hard, but going on is what we have to do.

Thanks for sharing.

Colleen, My Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. Shane's mom. Sounds like you and I are in very similar places. I did the same thing on Monday. Poured myself into my work and would not allow myself to leave my desk to cry. When I got out of work I was a complete mess and that carried on into Tuesday most of the day. People always tell me that I need to stop feeling guilty for trying to live. They tell me that my Brendan would want me to be happy. They tell me that just because we go on living for an hour here or an hour there it doesn't mean we love our child or miss our child any less. I guess we have not choice, but to believe that. Guilt is a very scary and powerful emotion. I don't believe our children would want us to feel guilty. I believe they would want us to live.

Thanks for the B-Day wishes yesterday. It was a terrible day for me. I spent most of the day crying and feeling very sorry for myself. I left work early because I just could not compose myself. When I got home my wife and I took a long, much needed walk in the woods together. We talked about many things and we finally cried together rather than separately. I think that one little walk brought us closer together. After that we went out for a nice dinner. I felt a little stronger last night when I laid down to go to bed. Today is just another day without my best buddy Brendan. I am right back to where I was. I need to practice what I preach and realize that Brendan would not want to see me this way. I was Brendan's Superhero. He thought his daddy could do anything. If he is looking down at me he must be wondering where that Superhero went. The pain of missing him is so intense. Lord I miss my Brendan.

Brendan's daddy

Greg - I hope you enjoy fishing. I loved taking my boys fishing. I am looking forward to taking my youngest out again soon. Brendan would like that.

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - I felt guilty for even a moment's reprieve or the first time I laughed with sincerity. It's normal to feel guilty, but there is no need. If you need a reason NOT to feel guilty for feeling good I'll give you one. You will be able to hear from Shane and/or see his signs when you are not so trapped in the prison of pain. Of course, the first time it happens it will probably send a blanket of shock and new pain because you will want him all the more, leaving Shane rolling his eyes - no doubt, but soon it will calm you.

Yesterday a friend from out of town told me she lost her 17yr old son on January 16th to a car accident. While we visited, a man who overheard our conversation came up and told us his 22 yr old son killed himself one year ago this month. He felt guilty because he feels he's doing okay. In unison my friend and I both said, "don't." We even managed to laugh...dark humor type stuff.

Two weeks. I'm going to give Gary a call in a couple of minutes and then book my flight! two and a half weeks.

Greg - I drove by the lake of the Ozarks once. Beautiful!! I hope Brian's presence is tangible.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Tony - Super heros cry.

[Crystal16]

Colleen,

I couldn’t agree more on your post directed to me. We’ll experience good days and bad days with some sort of light shining through. There is not a minute that passes I don’t miss my Ashlee and so badly want to hold her and never let her go. I find myself looking at things differently since that tragic day that “life is too short” it’s not just a comment I make it is significant to me. We have to press into the pain the loss of our child but we also need to be present on this side of Heaven and live life for a purpose. Our surviving family and friends depend on us and look to us to model coping skills when tragedy strikes.

My heart breaks for every single parent/grandparent on this site we are on this life journey no one ever expected or want to be here. The only advice I can give you, from my own life experience is you will stumble and fall but never stay down and get back up and press through the pain.

Love to you all!!!!

[ericasmom]

A quick hello and message about GUILT. Guilt is as real as all the other emotions adn feelings but it is also one to learn about and learn to work through. Guilt can eat us up and no Child of ours wants that. To feel it though, normal enough for each of us especially at the earlier stages of grief. We just do, as parents feel as though we should have been able to prevent this loss. We of course couldn't, would have if we could have.

Our Children see us in all of our phases of grief I think, and I think too that they understand each phase. But when we think of how we would want them to carry on in our absence...we would want them to live their lives with gusto and with as much joy as can be found. We would want them to stand where we no longer could, and so they too probably want that and more for us. Live it for those still here and for yourself, but also live it for them as their love is as alive as ever.

My two cents or as some misspelled examples from my third graders:

my too sents

my to sense

[shorty16]

Brendan's Daddy, Tony,

I am thrilled to hear your wife went for a walk with you and out to dinner.

Through my experience with my husband - This has brought us together on a spiritual level. We are closer than I ever thought 2 people could be.

I know you will find that with your wife.

Hang on my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I woke up today on the down side, didn't want to get out of bed. If my youngest son didn't come get me up, I would have stayed in bed all day. Once I was up I started feeling a little better. My son and I, went out to eat breakfast on the patio and all I could smell was the sweet scent of gardenia's, my favorite flower. My Gardenia bush is blooming, I love it! (posted a picture for you all to see)

Sherry, try again to post the picture of Lisa, sometimes it works and other times it doesn't. Thank you for posting the story of Baby Lisa. It is heartbreaking to hear the stories of how everyone's children passed away. Somehow though, I think it is helpful to hear of everyones loss. It is realization that we are in the same boat, together on this journey. It's very sad we had to meet like this and feel each others pain through this process. I believe it's health and definitely has some healing effects on all of us to talk about our grief, pain and losses.

Tony, I'm glad you were able to spend time walking and talking to your wife. Going out to dinner was such a positive thing too!

Dee, I loved what you said about our children wanting the best for us, like we would want for them if we passed away.

Susannah, Coumadin is a blood thinner and is prescribed for blood clots. Your trip sounds great! "Tony - Super hero's cry." I loved that, made me smile!

Coleen, I look forward to your post.

I'm not working but have a lot of things to accomplish today. I hope everyone has a calm, peaceful day.

[Crystal16]

I know earlier I posted that we will stumble along our journey.... well I did this afternoon. The quietness of the day had me sitting here thinking of my girl Ashlee. I searched for her memorial page so I could look back and remember the fruitful years I had her in my life.

Below is the video we played at her memorial service in memory of her life.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Hi everybody. Sorry for all the questions I keep asking, but I have finally found a place with people I trust. I feel like I am getting you know you all a little more each and every day. I appreciate so much all of the kind words and advice.

I am having a rough day again. I just don't know how I will ever get better when I just miss my son so much. My wife wants very badly to continue having kids. She wants to try right now and it scares me. I am not scared about having more kids. I wanted another child even before Brendan passed away. My fear now is losing another child. My mind makes me believe that the more kids we have the better chance we have of losing another child. I am also concerned that it is too early to try having another child. Has anybody here had another child after the loss of another? It hasn't even been 5 months yet. I just don't know if I am ready.

We are also discussion selling out home. Brendan died in our neighbors backyard which makes it very tough. We haven't found the strength to forgive our neighbor for what happened so living next to them is very hard. Seeing them outside. Telling my younger son that he cannot walk over there to say hi like he used to. It is just a very uncomfortable situation. Michele wants to move and move now. I don't want to rush into any decision. I am afraid of moving into a new house. This was Brendan's home. If we move to a new house then we are moving to a home where Brendan never lived. A home that Brendan was never a part of. I just don't know if I can do that. If anybody out there has any advice I would really appreciate it. I just feel so overwhelmed right now.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[ericasmom]

LOVE Super heroes cry too as well.

Tony, making time to mourn together is a good thing, we all ;mourn so differently, so accepting the others ways is a good thing to learn.

[ericasmom]

I sure can't advise Tony, but I will say what I feel about moving, that Brenden will move with you, you will not be leaving him behind, no matter where you are, he will know, and he will let you know that he is with you. I do understand not wanting to be somewhere he hasn't been These are all things to take up with a counselor too, so that you have a non-involved person listening t both sides and helping you both respect each others thoughts on this. Hard one though. Having more kids, I get thte paranoia that you have, having more means losing more...I am built like you, but really, having more does not mean what you are worried about. Fear is as real as guilt, let it come and talk about it. We are here, don't ever worry about asking us anything that comes to you your heart and mind.

dee

[rlolheiser]

I don't know why women stay with their abusers. I listen to my daughter try to make her boyfriend out a saint.. far from it... but she just claims love.. she is so messed up.. but I don't know what to do for her any longer, I feel like I am an enabler..and now I am a terrible mother turning my back on her. I will lose my grandson.. and will battle her to keep JaBoa's sister safe with us... I am frightened of what she will do in her depression.. but I am not able to help anymore. Each day I feel weaker and weaker.

I look at her life, her eagerness to have another baby, I know she had him to replace JaBoa but it didn't work.. and now that little one is borderline abused.. I feel bad.. I have turned her in, with her knowledge and without her knowledge.. but ND is feeling the crunch of the oil boom. Kids are lost all over the place, the sadness I watch daily overcomes me.. I feel I have lost so much.. I want to cry and I get right there.. and it won't come. I wonder what kind of mother I must have been to have my daughters in such messes.. to have my grandchildren in such messes.. After awhile I get to thinking maybe God wanted JaBoa so she didn't have to endure any of this.. but then again.. thinking just messes me up

[shorty16]

Tony,

I personnaly have never had to do either of the things you talk about: Move from your home and have another child.

Amanda on here lost her baby boy at 1 day and she did have another child. We followed her through her pregnancy, because she was just as scared as you are now. Happy to say, she had another son and he is doing well. I do know she still grieves for her angel.

There have also been people on this site that have moved. How long after, I do not know.

Dee is right - Your son is not tied to a house - he is tied to you, your wife and his brother, Jackson. Where you go, he will also.

The experience I do have is living close to the accident scene. I hate it. But we can leave our home and neighborhood without passing that place, or even seeing it - we try to stay away from it. I can totally understand your wife wanting to leave. For me, that road will always hold heart-ache. When I see it, I can visualize the police cars and can hear flight for life. Also, Scott and I left the scene and our son died on the side of the road and we were not ever there!!!! That is something that will haunt me. At the time. I really did not think he would die. I really thought we were doing the right thing by going to the hospital. However, Brian never even made it onto the helicopter. Flight for life does not transport dead people.

Just even talking this out with you is tough.

Tony, I think of you, Michele and Jackson every day.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Thank you Dee and Colleen. I know how hard it must be for you to talk about Colleen. I do appreciate everything you have done to try to help me out. I am just so out of it right now. It is hard enough to deal with losing your son and best little buddy. Now I have to think about selling a house, moving, buying another house, building another house, trying to have another child? I just feel so overwhelmed. It is only 3:21 and I wish I could just go home and go to bed. I just want my son back. I want our old life back.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Tony, I am with you on both your questions. I wanted to move right after Kailey died. Her room and this house was a constant reminder of her and I thought it would be better if I ran away or moved. Then I started thinking this is the house Vanessa and Kailey grew up in. If I move how will their spirits be able to find me? Also, would they go with me or stay here in this house? Now, I feel a very tight bond with my house because I have seen and heard signs of my girls spirits here. So I don't know what to tell you on that one. As far as the baby question, I am having a hard time with that one to. I would love to have another child if that were possible. I just told my husband yesterday if we could, I would go have insemination to have another one. I keep thinking in my head if John Travolta and Kelly Preston can have another child after their son died then why can't I? Well, these are Just crazy thoughts for me. Anyway, I was told it is a normal response to losing a child. I personally don't see anything wrong with it. I think have faith and pray about it.

Reality is I'm a foster parent and have been wondering when I should open my home up to more children again. I had two little girls in my care when my two daughters died. Because the tragedy of losing my girls would cause to much trauma for the foster girls they were put in respite care until I could make a decision as to whether or not I could care for them. The decision needed to be made within the first couple weeks and at the time I was grieving way to much and felt the foster girls would be better off in a different home. After I made that choice, I felt I made a big mistake because I missed them so much. It felt like a quadruple loss for me. Anyway, now 8+ weeks into this nightmare I'm glad I made the decision. Because, I realize I needed time to myself and time for the rest of my children and family. I've talk to a therapist and the people who license me as a foster parent and they said there is no time line as to when the timing is right. They say, It's all up to you and how you feel.

A week and a half after my mom died (2 1/2 years ago) I was offered two little girls to take care of. Without thinking or hesitation, I said yes. Two hours later they were at my house. Funny thing was; Just before I received the phone call, I was sitting on my couch surrounded by a shrine of my mothers things including the flowers and stuff from my moms funeral. I was thinking I never wanted to get rid of the shrine and that I was going into a deep depression. That's when I got the call. When I hung up and realized I had said yes, I freaked out! I thought OMG these girls can't come to such a depressing home. So, I immediately started cleaning up, throwing the flowers out and tearing down the shrine. It was the best thing I could have ever done! Those girls needed me and my focus was on them instead of the loss of my mom. It definitely eased the pain, not that I didn't grieve my mom but, I was able to realize my mom is gone and I can't change that fact. There were no amount of tears, prayers or miracles that were going to bring her back. So, I decided to prioritize my life and live in the future not the past. Those girls helped me as much as I helped them.

This is something I've had on my mind; I had two foster girls, whom Vanessa & Kailey loved. They were reunited with their father even though they were never suppose to go back to their family. A week and a half later, I was offered two more girls. I initially said no because I was mourning the loss of the other two. They kept calling me and begging for me to take them saying the girls were going to a shelter if I didn't say yes. They know me to well, that's all they had to say. I welcomed two more girls to my life. So, here is the un-answered riddle...... I had two girls, they left. Got two more girls....my biological two girls die. I reluctantly give up the two foster girls due to the loss of my two. Why have so many girls come and gone from me? Now, what do I do?

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everybody...I was just stopping by to say hello and tell you all of the wonderful day I had with my sisters and my SIL. My sister Barbara came down (from 1 1/2 hours away) and we spent the day out, at a lovely tea house for lunch and then hit a couple of consignment shops, then back here to chat...all in all a truly great time. I am so thankful. My sis Barbara had a biopsy the other day and found out yesterday everything is okay, so we were kind of celebrating that, as well a just being together.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers everyday, as always.

Anyway, before I go, I just want to tell Tony that Brenden will be with you no matter where you go...we moved from our home we lived in for 19 years, just a year after Mike died. Even though Mike was married and lived in his own apartment, for various reasons he did his hospice at our house. We arranged the dining room for him, he died in our dining room. I knew we had to move because we really needed to downsize due to health reasons of both hubby and I. I just didn't know how I was going to do it...I wanted to cut the dining room off and take it with us...silly, I know, but that's what I wanted. Well, we finally did make the move, and Mike came right along with us. the day we signed on our house, we came by to just walk through it...the snow out front had melted some and there was a perfect heart, seemingly standing up all by itself, on top of the snowbank...also, when we took a pic of the house earlier, there was a perfect sunbeam shining on our porch in the picture. Will these things happen if you move? I don't know...I just know that your sweet baby will ALWAYS be with you, ALWAYS...no matter where you go. As for the baby, I can't address that...it wasn't even a question for us, so it never had to be thought about. But the house...I am not telling you to move, but I just want you to know...he will be with you, always, everywhere. I am so glad that you and your wife shared your walk and your grief...it does help, it truly does.

All of you who are new here, it is just amazing to see you already reaching out to each other and sending strength through your words and thoughts, even when you are holding on by a very thin string yourselves...the love shared here is amazing and such a gift.

love to all

[Guest msnher]

"I would have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance..." Garth Brooks.

Tony - The pain of losing Stephanie and the fear of losing another will never be greater than the gratitude I have for knowing her or my other children and grandchildren.

If fear were not a factor, what would you choose? Having a baby is a big responsibility, as we all know...have you and your wife had enough time to grieve so that if you choose to bring another miracle into this world it will have whole parents, or as near whole as healthy can get? As for moving, several have done it. I believe Jessica picked out Kathy and Barry's new home. I think SHE moved them.

Leah - Again, I have no words. Just hugs, love and light...and wisdom...asking the powers that be to send you lots of wisdom and confidence in your decisions so you don't have to second guess yourself. This just came to me and it's cold, so I'll apologize before hand.....You have taught your daughters to accept abusive behavior by continually accepting it from them. In the name of love, just like you daughter to her boyfriend, you allow her to use you and put responsibility on you that is not yours...her boyfriend tells her it's all her fault and she buys it...your daughter tells you it's all your fault and you buy it. And, even if you don't buy into all the blame you sure put on the savior suit that you can fix it. Some things can't be fixed. Some people don't want to be fixed. Save yourself while you still have some life left to enjoy, Leah. It's time. Let the guilt go. Let "them" have it for a while. Do something for you. Life is good. Honest it is!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos....

i have been down and out for a couple of days....i just can't find any joy or happiness inside me...none. i am trying, but it is just not there.

i am sorry i have missed so many posts....happy belated birthday to tony, and i am so sorry you are having such a hard time.

some of you are enjoying the things out there that are supposed to give us joy, despite your loss, and i just can't find it. i want to, but i am too sad to find any at all. i put on a pretend face sometimes for my daughter and granddaughter when they stop by, or that fake voice when my kids call, but then when i hang up, i burst into tears...knowing i am not 'mom' anymore. i don't feel like their 'mom'....i feel so empty and lonely inside. i still feel such guilt for so many reasons. i don't even know what all of the reasons are...i cry all the time....even when i am doing things i used to like doing, so i just collapse into my bed, where i stay for awhile. my husband and i are going to couseling tomorrow....then out of town for the weekend...he has a conference to attend, and i am going just to stay in the hotel for a getaway, a different environment to cry in..or whatever. i don't know. i don't care. i don't know....i don't care. just whatever anymore. i can't think anymore and i really don't mind that i have officially lost my mind. it really doesn't matter at this point. this is my new life, this is the new me....i have lost my ability to be a mom, a wife, a nurse, and i don't know how to find me....FRIDAY will be 12 weeks....i am already dreading friday....i MISS nathan so much, i hurt so much, i don't know how to live without my child....i don't know why he left us and i don't feel whole without him. i am broken and shattered and i can't be fixed and i don't know what to do....i am so lost. i am trying, but nothing works, i still feel empty inside....just an empty shell with some skin around it....

i wish i could be more positive for some of you, but i am not feeling it today....so thanks for listening....

diane

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I have written the same words you wrote. The pain is excrutiating at this point. We aren't ourselves. It takes time to find our new selves in this horrific mess. I am enjoying life these days but it's been 20 months for me. I'm definitely not the woman I once was, but I've adapted to the new me. In many ways I'm better, stronger. I am learning to live with the hole Stephanie's death left. That hole will never be filled, but sunshine now creeps through the cracks. Hang in there.

[Guest msnher]

Bought my plane ticket.

[ericasmom]

Awesome Sus, good for you making these plans.

Oh Diane, I wish that you could believe that one day you will be feeling a bit better, but not knowing who you are is something we all know. Who are we when one day we had this many kids and the next day we had one less, two less for some folks. Who are we when we cannot save our child? Who wants to be with us when we are so lost? Who cares when we don't ourselves care? All of these questions adn more can be addressed as you move forward. The absolute rawness to your pain is palpable and it feels as though that is the way you are always going to feel, but I promise that it isn't the way you will feel for all time. It is how you feel now at this very early stage in the grief process. I hope that you will tell the counselor everything you are going through including feeling you must put on a fake voice for the kids and the thought that you are no longer good at any of those things you nce were. Your self worth and your identification has all been balled up with Nathan's death. I wish you to somehow get through this time far enough to be able to look back and see your steps that prove you have moved forward.

My heart and prayers to you.

Carol, I was about to write about your experience with Mike finding you in the new house but was surprised by your lovely post telling your story. I love the way you tell it, and was glad that you were able to visit with us for a few minutes when you are visitng with family in Florida. It sounds like you are having a marvelous time and that is so great. Boy it does my heart good to picture you enjoying the time with Sis and SIL in the sunshine.

[Guest msnher]

Dark humor...Tony - Gary and I had planned on growing old together, retiring, traveling, dancing, riding motorcycles. We were free as can be...dropping everything to go out of town. Catching a late night movie or a last minute get together with friends. Having more babies was not in the cards for us. Ever. (Little chuckle) Apparently, God had other plans because we ended up adopting and are now raising my daughter's three young children. My question about being whole parents is hypocritical...I was half a person let alone a whole parent and these poor kids were stuck with me while I walked through grief. We walked through it together. And, now, I'm the proud momma of three beautiful, healthy children. Two girls and a boy. I'm not looking forward to puberty...again...

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Sus so glad you purchased that ticket I know you will have a great trip

Crystal Thanks so much for posting the video of your lovely daughter Ashlee. It was a precious tribute to a lovely wonderful child.

Greg I had seen Brian's video before but cannot ever resist viewing our angels Precious moments captured It was wonderful to see

Leah Please stop judging yourself You were a wonderful loving mom and did the best you could. We are not responsible for the decisions our grown up children make They have many other influences in their lives and we cannot force our will on them. You must let go of believing you are guilty and take care of you because you did a great job.

Dee Glad your little ones could enjoy the Eagles I watched as dad brought a tasty morsel to the nest and mom spent such a long time feeding each and every tiny chirping baby She was so sweet and gentle but still looked so powerful and majestic.

Carol Loved the description of your time with your sister and SIL. So glad that the medical test were positive and the laughs and shopping were fun

Tony I aM GLAD YOU AND YOUR WIFE ARE TALKING I could not stay in Stephen's home after he passed. It is a difficult decision but with the neighbors right across the street it certainly a painful reminder each day. Good luck processing the best action for your family

Colleen thanks for your uplifting messages each day. I know that it took me at lest a year before I could share in any positive manner. I could not see any good in the world and did not want to. Just coming here and reading everyone's share helped me each day.

Rhonda I loved the story of the mouse giving birth Thanks

Diane, Lori, Betsy, Rhonda , Crystal Cristy and all Indigos have a peaceful nightH

[aim630]

Just wanted to drop a line saying I'm thinking of everyone, especially the newer parents here. I don't have much to say, been a bad couple of days, at work then at home.

Leah-I don't know what to say except I don't think it's your fault. For years my mom bossed my dad around and he lovingly took it. When he died, and she got a new boyfriend, suddenly she's taking all kinds of crap from him. Not abusive, at least physically, but verbally sometimes. Everything she does is to please him. I know it's not the same situation, but sometimes people will do anything not to be alone, even if its a bad situation. I think you are a caring mother and grandmother who only wants the best for her family. Unfortunately adult children do what they think is right no matter what we say. Sending hugs your way, and I hope somehow that things get easier for you.

Susannah-I hope you have fun next month meeting Karen & Carol. I'm sure you will have some great laughs (and maybe crys). I hope Amanda's health continues to improve.

Well goodnight to all, I should attempt some sleep.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[aim630]

I forgot to say I watched the videos of both Ashlee & Brian & had tears in my eyes. Both wonderful kids who were very loved. I don't really have any videos of Ashley, we never had a video camera.

[ericasmom]

Amy, hope things smooth out at home and at work. Get some needed sleep and perhaps tomorrow will dawn peacefully.

Betty, thanks for the eagles, so wonderful to watch, like a bit of a miracle. Oh and thanks for reminding me of the mouse story, loved it Rhonda.

I also loved th evideo of Brian and the Ashlee piece. Heartfelt and wonderful memories and tributes.

Tony, take a bit of time in deciding about big changes this first year of grieving. It is very hard to deal with more change on tip of this sad change, though many do it and are happy to have. I guess I would caution too many changes all at once. Body, mind, and spirit need time to repair a bit before introducing additional stimuli. I must say though, that your cirvumstances with the neighbor would make it hard to stay as well. I am sorry for the uneasiness in all of that.

I am taking my tired bones to bed, and I wish you all deep and replenishing sleep.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. I wish I could come on here and be more helpful to some of you. I feel so needy right now. The past few days have been terrible for me. I absolutely feel like I am losing my mind. I know people on this site have said that with time things will get a little easier. I guess that just seems so far away right now. I don't know what it is about trying to live without Brendan. It just doesn't feel ok. It feels wrong to try to move forward. I just sit here and wait until night time so I can just go to sleep. It is the only part of my day that I look forward to. Sleeping. How can I not look forward to seeing my 5 year old son when I get home. What kind of father am I becoming? I just want to go to bed because that is where I feel most at peace. Every morning is the same though. I wake up and can't stop my hands and legs from shaking. I can't stop thinking about my Brendan who has left this world forever. Today I finally let some anger out before I left for work. I was home alone and just started throwing things in the garage. I ended up breaking a chair and shattering it all over the garage. I am so sad, so mad, so lonely, so confused, so depressed. How can God let people feel this way. I just don't understand.

[westleysmom]

I think Karen actually told the story about the mouse, I had possums (this is TN after all) in my last story! I haven't been posting much, but still trying to read and keep up with you all. I think of you all everyday and am so glad that I can call you all my friends.

Tony-There is a member that doesn't post much that's son died the same day as Westley, only a year earlier, that has sent me private messages. He told me that they decided to have another child after their son died (the son was closer to Westley's age than Brendan's) and that they were very glad that they did. It is not really an option for me, I have a granddaughter and my daughter is expecting another child, and even if we could, I don't think it would go over well with them! There is not much left of me to go around, and I want to be there for my daughter as she raises her family. That being said, you and your wife (I think) are young enough that you still have the option. Even if you decide to have another child, maybe it could be delayed a little while. Just because you don't start trying right away doesn't mean that you have decided against it, right? I had wondered how things were with the neighbor and am sorry that its so awkward. I don't know if I would ever be able to forgive someone if that had happened to me, but I am not a sterling example of humanity in that regard. I have not changed anything in Westley's room yet, and I don't expect to anytime soon. We've all heard that you shouldn't make major decisions for at least 6 months to a year after a major loss. But sometimes it seems that you need to do something right away. I'm not much help, am I? Just thinking of you and wishing you strength for the day. Its all so overwhelming and its so hard to think during those first horrible months. Yesterday was 15 months, it was Wednesday the 13th, just like when he died. But I didn't cry all day long, went to work and cooked dinner and visited a friend and got the last things for my tax return. It has gotten different for me, not that the pain can't come out of nowhere and double you over in grief. We were watching TV and somebody said something about California and suddenly I remembered that one time, Westley and his best friend decided when they got old enough, they were going to CA. They were about 12 at the time. And it occured to me that he never went to California. Why didn't I make sure he got to visit California before he died? What was wrong with me that I didn't do that? If 20 year olds have a bucket list (and I think he had an English assignment one time about that, but I've never looked at what he wrote because I can't bear to), going to California was probably on his. And I let him die without making sure he got there. This after a fairly calm day doing chores and working. Taking care of business, but I didn't help him do something he wanted to do. And now he's gone. But it does get different after time passes by, not easier yet at least for me. Just different.

Diane-Don't feel like you have to be postive and uplifting for everyone else. Right now, you have to concentrate on you. You are in my thoughts everyday.

Leah-I don't remember if I weighed in on the boyfriend thing, but it seems that your daughter will force you to choose. I hope you choose what is best for you, you have given so much at so great a cost. Hugs to you friend.

Susannah-The trip is going to be so good for you. I hope Amanda is doing better too.

Carol, Betty, Dee, Sonya, Sherry, Colleen, Greg, Crystals all, Karen, Sharon, Amy, Lorri, Lori, all BI friends-I hope you have a good day, or at least a good moment today.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

Snow is in the forecast today. We always get a heavy April snow...hope this is it...that means spring and sunshine are next.

Tony, I am so glad you are coming here and posting what's happening to you and your feelings. Keep talking....it's so important. It may not seem like it now but what you're doing is really quite healthy and normal. Have your neighbors talked to you guys at all? I can't imagine living next door to them. It makes me think about the Chapman's son who ran over their three year old little girl. Such heartbreak. A prominent judge here in Casper was flying a kite with his little three year old girl several years ago in a local park...they were running together. The little girl tripped in front of her daddy causing him to trip and the full weight of his knee crushed her chest, killing her instantly. I don't know how families and friends recover from such tragedy. When we were going through the trial against my grandchildren's perpetrator this same judge made a special point to come out and talk to the kids. He was beaming with confidence and joy. I don't know how he got there...I'm sure he had to break more than a few chairs...but he remains a source of inspiration for me.

This morning I found a letter from Stephanie. She wrote it after being in rehab for a little over a month. She talked about how much she loved and appreciated me and how sorry she was for not realizing what her addiction had done to our family before. It's a blessing I'll treasure forever.

Love you all, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal Rogerson]

Good morning all!

Been busy the last couple of days, haven't really had time to read or reply.

Tony: You have been on my mind a lot this week. As far as the moving thing...I RAN and didn't look back, but it wasn't my house that made the memories of Meg. You seem like a more grounded person than I, in the fact it sounds like you have lived in that house for all of Brendan's life. (we moved a lot due to my ex husband), so I never really had an attachment to any particular house. I agree that extra stimuli is probably not what you need right now.

The thing that I really want to get across to you is this...I know I don't know the situation with your neighbors (ie: if you were good friends with them before the accident or just acquaintances). But in telling the story of Brendan's death, you said that is was an ACCIDENT. I'm sure that your neighbors feel immense guilt (unless they are just heartless monsters) in which case I would avoid them too...BUT- you can't let blame or hate eat you up. Forgiveness is what I found helped me get out of the dark place I was living in. I held on to so much anger and blame of the man that killed my daughter for so long that it became like a tumor that I hauled around with me. When I realized that he was taking up all of my energy and (NOT TO HIS FACE), but in my heart- I quit blaming him there was such a sense of relief. I might be over stepping my boundries by saying that but it is just my two cents worth. It's still so raw for you. I wish I could take your pain away. BTW...the reason we all sleep (along with it being a side effect of depression) is because that is when we don't have to feel. We don't have to confront any of this reality.

I think about all of you all of the time. Hoping that maybe someone has found something joyous in the day.

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[rlolheiser]

wishing you all peace today and always..

I really am not trying to be the super hero..but who knows..maybe I am.. I am just trying to stop the cries of the grands and I can't anymore than I could for JaBoa.. Not trying to be anything special, just want a normal life but guess that isn't going to happen.. doubt I have been normal all my life. Oh well.. it is just life and I guess I have to live it.

thinking of you all

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda, betty, dee, sus...and anyone i missed, thanks for responding to me....i DID get out of bed today....i even changed the sheets and bathed the dog...so, that is something....i am so very anxious about the counseling session today...i don't know what to expect, what to say, what not to say....how does this thing go, anyway? not sure....i am glad my hubby is going, i think he has things to say, and i am glad he does....

i am tired today....didn't sleep well, but what's new about that, right? i cried myself to sleep last night, then as i drifted off, i "SAW" nathan do what he did to himself and i woke up in horror, crying worse than before sleep tried to come, and then could not go back to sleep until the early hours. WHY do i do that? it is just horrid....i wasn't even there....why do i have these terrible visions in my head? i want them to go away....that is not my nathan....that is not what i want to see....i can't get rid of that image, and it comes from time to time and makes me ill.....

well, better go get packed for this weekend trip....just from one room to another...at least i can still rest....this is a nice hotel and i won't feel like i have to do anything in particular....no big deal here...just a different atmosphere.

hope you all have a relatively speaking decent weekend...

diane

[Guest msnher]

Leah - I tried to save my daughter so many times. My words to you come from experience, not judgement, although I'm sure it sounds like judgment. I tried to save my grandchildren and my daughter. It wasn't until all seemed lost, my grandchildren paying a high price, my daughter paying the ultimate price that I was actually able to "save" my grandchildren. There was a full year, however, that I didn't know where my grandchildren were and my daughter's addiction to drugs and dangerous men seemed to take off at full speed. There were times during that year I paid her rent, bought her groceries and tried to still reason with her. But, nothing worked. She wanted ME to find her grandchildren and hire an attorney and help her fight for them when she couldn't go a full day without drugs, booze or violence of some kind in her life. The powers that be just saw me as a trouble maker. I can't tell you how many times I was told "You need to support your daughter"....They had no idea what we had been through they only got to hear her sob stories of how she had been abandoned by her family.

I kept trying, however. I took her tantrums, name calling, stealing from me and blame. Until, I couldn't take it anymore. Finally I had to tell her I would give my last breath to save her but she didn't want to be saved and so I was going to live my life.

Did I do the right thing? My daughter's dead. We may never know. It was during the time that I said "no" however that she finally, seriously, got help for herself. It was then she became serious about what she was doing.

Did THAT work? I don't know. I know she got involved with another dangerous man, perhaps more dangerous than any other, behind our back after she got out of rehab. Was she murdered...maybe...he was just getting out of prison for trying to kill his ex wife and hog tying another girlfriend and leaving her in a field to die.

All I know is that I couldn't go another round with her addiction or with her men. I am so grateful my grandchildren are out of that circus of violence. Do I love my daughter? With every fiber of my being! But, I couldn't save her. And, trying almost destroyed me.

Accepting the unacceptable isn't the same as approving of what's going on. It's looking the situation in the eye and accepting that the tsunami hit and we couldn't stop it. Now what?

The tsunami's coming again and you want to move to higher ground but your daughter won't come with you and apparently neither will your family. Do you stay and be destroyed with them or do you survive?

Honestly, I don't know the answer. I have other children besides Stephanie yet all of Stephanie's chaos, including her death, stole me from them. I have other grandchildren besides Stephanie's children, but my obsession with them kept me from enjoying the others. I was dying and had nothing left to give. Turns out it was all taken out of my hands.

The kids were stolen...Stephanie sunk lower into her addiction to drugs and men ... and then the kids are dropped in my lap and my daughter dies.

I have to live with every choice I've made. I have to live with my powerlessness in what happened to my grandchildren. But, mostly, I have to live. I want to live. I don't want my other children or grandchildren to see me as sad all the time. I want them to know how to get back up when life kicks you in the gut. That will be my legacy.

Again, my words to you are out of experience, not judgement. Harsh? Yes. But, the reality of drug/men addiction is much harsher, as you already know.

I send you all my love and I continue to pray for you constantly! I hope your family doesn't have to pay the same price my family has paid. What I know is we put up detours, not road blocks. They get to where they're going no matter how hard we try to stop it. When we get in the way, the detour, we sometimes get crushed.

Susannah'/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I know that you feel that you let your Son down somehow by not getting him to California, but you didn't, if he could tell you in voice he would tell you that. For you to ask or question ; how could I let him die without taking him to California means that you are feeling responsible for his death, as though you could have prevented such sadness. You couldn't . Lord knows as does Westley, that if you could have made sure of his living a long life, you would have. We all would have. Eri too was hoping, as so many optimistic teens do, that she would go to California iwth Susannah and open up a clinic/shelter for homeless teens and those who needed help in one way or another. She thought of social work, which Sus is now doing in the City of Chicago. In fact three of Eri's friends are doing social work. One is an archetecht in San Fran and is heading a group for homes for humanity in a month in Mozembique...she hung out with very giving spirits. Louisa, the archetecht was volunteering this year for mentoring young girls and her mentee and she really hit it off. They went to a climbing wall gym each week to climb and build strength each week and they had lunch together. On her third meeting earlier in the year, Lou and the young one shared their birthdays...the child's birthday was April 4. Just like Eri, and Lou wrote me to tell me that she loved this child even more for the day she was born. Sweet stories of our Children being remembered.

Tony, my old friend Sarah had a Daughter that I adored named Alice. She was 18 months old when she was diagnosed with brain cancer. She died at age 4. That mom and dad also wondered what they could have done differently...nothing is the answer that falls on broken hearts. There was nothing they could do. They thought that they might have to move right away, go away from the parks and the joys of Alice's baby years...but in the end they stayed, they stayed and found solace in the places that Alice also loved. It is so individual those choices, but as Rhonda said, those decisions don't have to be made right now today. Allow your broken hearts to rattle about for a bit before you make radical changes because then you are adding stress to an already extremely stress-filled time. You are all fragile when grief is new, so in order to honor your fragile selves, be kind to yourself, drink plenty of water and juice, eat even if you are not hungry, little meals, take a multi-vitamin to keep yourself and your beaten down immune systems activated.

On days when you tend to blame yourself please pretend that you are speaking to me, or to other parents here who lost their Child, what would you say to us? Now say it to yourself and believe it.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Well I finally caved in and went to a doctor. I didn't have much choice. My parents and wife decided it was time for me to do something. After the morning I had today I think I agreed with them. He put me on a drug called Lexapro. I hope it helps a little bit and doesn't make me forget how to feel anything.

Thinking of you all

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[briansdad]

Once again I'll post this link for the new people.I can help.I wish I didn't have to post it again..... ever.

http://www.bpusastl.org/images/IN-THE-BEGINNING-09-20-10.pdf

Greg

[Crystal Rogerson]

Tony: It's such a hard decision to go on medication, but I'm proud of you for reaching out for the help you need. It shows that you are moving in the right direction towards healing. We are all here to support you along the way. Keep us posted on!

Hope you find a ray of sunshine today!

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[hotrod]

Good Afternoon Dear Indigos

Diane I am glad you were able to get out of bed and begin to get ready for your session and the trip. Just one foot in front of the other is how we can move these day.

Rhonda I am so sorry I confused the mouse story I did remember that you told us about Opie and thought you did the same with the mouse . I understand about the sadness that hits when we remember. I to have wished that Stephen could have gotten to do that one thing he yearned for . Lately, when that happens , I just remind myself of all the things that he did get to do and that helps. I know that Westley had a great life-friends, job, cars, he was living a young mans dream. Remember the good times.

I am also sorry I did not give credit to Karen, who shared about the mouse. Please forgive. It is hard to keep it all straight with my limited brain cells.

Sus and Leah I hear you both talking about trying to save a child from themselves and their choices. I too know that that action is doomed to failure. I know I have also tried anyway because we are MOM and we should be able to FIX it all. We all do the best we can and the one message I hear and really believe is that we MUST stop beating ourselves up and validate the love and good that we did for our children If we had not loved them we would not be in this pain.

Tony Glad you decided to see the Doctor and follow his suggestions. Grieving is a difficult process with anger, a big part of it. Having lost your precious child as the result of someone's else's mistake is infuriating . Take care of yourself whatever that looks like

Betsy where are you these days?

Have a peaceful afternoon

[westleysmom]

Greg-I forgot to tell you I watched your video of the fishing trips. Brian always had a smile, didn't he? I'm so glad that you had that time with him and his brother (is it just one brother, sorry I forget). My husband took Westley hunting and fishing a lot. WestleyHe had kind of gotten out of it, but had actually been hunting on his own right before. He didn't have any luck that last year, but he had gotten some trophies with his Daddy over the years and I hope my husband's memories of their time together are not painful, but make him smile. He told me about one time not long before that he was on the 4 wheeler and they were coming back to the house, and they were laughing and cutting up and when I think of that and get a picture in my mind of them laughing together, looking so much alike, the two men I loved most in the world, it always makes me cry. Well anyway, thanks for the video so we could see Brian.

Crystal-And I watched the video of Ashlee, it was beautiful too. Of course, it made me cry, no surprise there.

Betty-as I believe I've said before, sometimes I don't even know my name. And sometimes it seems like we are all reading each other's minds when I read the posts.

Tony-I hope the meds will help you to get back to feeling a little more like yourself. Good luck with them. And if that one doesn't work, I understand there's a lot of different ones, so I'm sure your dr will find something that works for you.

Dee-Thanks for the kind words. I don't think Westley and his friends intentions were as noble as Eri's and her's, but I still wish he could have gone there. We don't travel that much, but we took them places when they were younger that a lot of people don't get to go. I traveled some with work and sometimes I would get to take the whole family.

Peace to all of you this evening. We're looking for storms tomorrow, I hope they won't be too bad.

[Guest msnher]

Just got a call from the police detective. The kid's perpetrator violated her probation and was sent to prison today! Hurray!!! It's amazing what happens when I get out of the way!

[mysonrich]

Betty, I'm here. At a loss of words sometimes when others need our hearts ,minds, compassion on this path we walk. The good is, when I feel I can't help or the words just won't materialize on this screen, I read all the posts full of wisdom,caring, healing actions and know again, what a great bunch of people the Indigo’s are. More Sarah news. She is headed your way this summer. She accepted the job offer. I told her I would cry. She reminded me she is a train ride away.

I had a short conversation with a little boy today. I would guess that he is 6 or 7. I am acquainted with his 2 older brothers and a sister. I asked him how many children there are in his family. He replied, “ 6. but one is missing”. He went on to tell me that his 18 year old brother died. He told me that his brother committed suicide. I acknowledged his pain and grief. I shared my sons death with him. I told him I understand. He nodded. I nod when I know people get it. Acknowledgment. No matter the age it is needed.

Tony, always a lot of thought before taking any med I did start on an antidepressant 6 months after Rich died. A very personal decision, in my area at the time I had relocated 4.5 months before Rich died. I hadn't made any friends yet. I had co-workers. So, I was very alone without any emotional support , my short term memory was just about gone, ( much needed for the work I did), I was a zombie,always walking, anxiety attacks etc...The pain,the grief was still there,still is,but I had to function. I am my source of income and though at the time I didn't care if I had a job or not, the fear of being fired was beneath my grief. So, it worked. I took myself off within a year. I moved back to family so I can't offer any guidance there for you. I came back to the area that Rich last lived. As far as friends in the old local, I have come to realize and know how fortunate I am to have very good friends there,that stood by a virtual stranger and held me up.

Its a beautiful day/evening. I am reading .

Indigo's have a peaceful night. I hope that we all can do that.

The old barn outback. Now used to store hay. the neighbor farms the land now.