Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

I thought you would like this.

[mikesmum]

Greg - Brian's birthday, never easy for you.....

Its been 4yrs since I came here and I attribute my 'still being here' to the compassion, empathy and love that come from those who know..

This my friends is an example.

Lorri - From the bottom of my heart I thank you and your hubby Monty for taking what you have come to know about Micheal and fashioning this amazing, awesome decal for my car.....

Still in the hills, grandies will be going home tonight and I will fall into my heap after 5pm

[ericasmom]

BRIAN, BRIAN, BRIAN

it is your Day, your beautiful Birthday!

Happy Heavenly Day Brian, give your Dad a big hug and kiss, let him know that you are right beside him. Sweep down and kiss your Daughter and let everyone know that you are celebrating your birthday...one of the happiest days in your Family Ever.

Please dance with Eri Brian, she loves birthdays.

Greg Dear, may this day close on a spritual note, may you feel the presence of your Son's love and devotion and as you fall asleep, may you feel him beside you, and when you wake in the morning, let there be a magical sense of his visit.

[kmb22]

Greg, My thoughts are with you and your family today. May Brian surround you with his love today and every day. Thank you sharing the song with us. I hadn't heard it before; it brought tears. The video, I thought, wasn't as fitting. So I made a new one which I hope is more fitting for such a beautiful song.

Happy Heavenly Birthday Brian!!!

[ericasmom]

Karen, what pretty work you do to the great song that Greg gave us. Thank you both, tears fall and pool as I start this day.

[crystalann]

I agree the song was beautiful!It made me cry it says it all.Love to all,Crystal

[Guest msnher]

Greg - I'm sorry I'm late Brian's birthday! I hope you found some comfort. Birthdays are hard.

Good morning from Rochester New Hampshire! All I can, so far, is the people are friendly, the air smells like what I thought New Hampshire would smell like (trees, moisture, clean) and I am glad to be here. The storms delayed many flights in and out of Cleveland. Our plane was delayed but not because of weather, it lost power. Fortunately we were still on the ground. A mechanic came on board, fixed the problem, and we had a smooth flight.

I'm not making any sense and I keep deleting what I'm writing. So I think I'll try to get some more sleep. I'm at sea level (am I at sea level?) and there are these huge, beautiful pine trees out my window. It was dark when I got in so I really couldn't see where I was anything. The GPS is my new best friend! They programmed it at the car rental and it brought me "to my destination". Amanda and Bryan came to the hotel and we hugged, laughed and visited until 1:30am.

Anyway, pine trees at sea level. Never seen such a thing. Absolutely beautiful. Casper is 5000 ft. The only trees we have are the ones we planted and the few growing by the river. Our mountain is 7000ft...that's where we keep our trees.

There are Moose Crossing signs!! Too cool. It all makes my heart smile.

Better drink coffee and quit playing with the color crayans.

Susannah/ Stephanie's mom (I miss you, Baby)

[westleysmom]

Happy belated heavenly birthday, Brian!

Greg-I'm sorry that I am late wishing you peace. I hope that the day was kind to you and your's and you could feel Brian's presence.

Susannah-So glad you got there okay. We had lots of storms and lots of power outages last night too. Everything is pretty calm now and much cooler.

I have auditors in today and for the rest of the week, so may not get to check in as much. Wishing you all peace and light.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - I'm sad that your brother and sister died. Sad for the little girl taking a bite out of her purse. Hugs to you. How's your other brother doing?

Betty - Yes, I love the GPS. I may become addicted.

Tony - I want you to know how grateful I am that you come here and share how you're feeling. Please keep talking.

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends.

I am back in the good US of A. Puerto Vallarta was really alot of fun, relaxing, interesting and the food was great. Many great artists and my company was second to non.

However, I missed the iguana that lives on the patio, he came right after I left. Always next time.

I missed you my friends.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Well, I just lost a lengthy post, very frustrated, especially at myself...should have done it in word first...when will I learn?! Need to do some things, will be back. Good wishes for the day and love to all for now.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Thank you Susannah. Sometimes I feel like I am on here too much bringing everybody down. I have so many emotions going on inside me right now.

Colleen, welcome back. I am really glad that you enjoyed your vacation.

Not much new on my end today. Still feeling the same. Brendan is on my mind constantly and all I want to do is cry. It feels like my family is getting so frustrated with me. I know they just want me to get better, but that seems so very far away. Last night I kissed Jackson goodnight and went into Brendan's room to kiss his blanket good night and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I can still smell him on that blanket. I smell it all the time. I remember as I kissed his blanket how he would hug me at night around my neck and not let go. I would kiss him and try to get up, but he would be hanging around my neck laughing. I miss that so much. There are so many things that I miss. I went into our basement yesterday to get a loaf of bread. I just remembered all the good times we had down there having "Basketball Camp". It is tearing me up inside knowing that we will not be making any new memories. My little boy was perfect and now he is gone. I just miss him so much. Thanks to all of your for being here.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[ericasmom]

SUs, so glad that you are there at sea-level among the pine trees in all their beauty. Glad that you are with your Girl.

Tony, Brendan will always be perfect, always. The hard part is to find out how to go about life finding your stride, finding your purpose again. Before, it was there for you. outlined. Now while there are the people in your life needing you, you need time to process this change, to find out who you are now...we are changed by this loss, of course we are. We are changed by their birth, changed again by their death. And yet those others need you, need to know that you are still Dad and husband and Son and Friend. You will be Tony, it takes time and tat does not mean you are weak.

Carol, love ya.

Rhonda, same to you.

[kmb22]

Thanks Dee, it is such a beautiful song and so true. Though, like another song I know says..."One more day, one more time, one more sunset baby I'd be satisfied. But then again I know what it would do... leave me wishing still for one more day with you". I'd give anything for even five more minutes....

Susannah - Welcome to NH! I'm glad to hear you made it in safely; sounds like it was a bit of a white knuckled beginning. The more plane stories I hear, the more I'd rather drive. Yes you are very close to sea level where you are...pretty cool huh? I know the weather's a little gray but we have a saying here in New England, it you don't like the weather, wait a minute. It's supposed to clear up tomorrow according to our fine weather folks so hopefully you'll be able to get out and see some of the sights. I hope Amanda's feeling better today. Chat soon. Oh and I know what you mean about the GPS, I'll never go back to trying to balance a map book on the steering wheel again.

Trudi and Lorri (and Monty) - I LOVE the decal, what a beautiful tribute.

Colleen - Welcome home, I'm glad you enjoyed your time away.

Carol - Sorry about the frustration of the lost post. Did you get my replies to your emails okay? The message system here is a little odd, I can never tell if it went through right or not.

Rhonda - Glad the weather has calmed in your area. We've been lucky so far here but they've been showing some of the crazy bouts of storms on the news.

Tony - I'm so very sorry for your pain and please don't feel bad about sharing it here, we all understand. You mentioned something yesterday, that knowing he's in heaven doesn't take the pain away of missing him. I feel that every day but I too believe all of our angels are there. I also believe, and have prayed, our angels are watching over each other as we try to watch over each other here.

[shorty16]

Tony

Please be kind to yourself. This grief journey is the hardest thing any of us has ever had to do.

Your family is not getting frustrated with you - they just do not know how to help you and make you feel better. Only time and alot of work can do that.

Last time I read your post, you and Michele were talking to a realtor, it that still the case?

I really did not start feeling any "better" (do not know if that is the word) until after the 2 year mark. My family finally started to find there place in this new life without Brian.

Hang in there my friend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Karen- I love your version of the video’s I posted that song/ link on my FB.

I think of everyone in my thoughts daily I pray you have some sort of peace throughout your day.

[mikesmomrs]

Back to try again...this time I am starting in Word...

Brian…Brian…Brian...I hope that you surrounded your mom and dad and your beautiful daughter Alyssa with your awesome spirit on your birthday…as you celebrated in style with all of our angels.

Greg: I am so sorry I wasn’t on yesterday, and didn’t get to wish your loving son, Brian, a happy heavenly birthday. Thank you for sharing the song…tears as I listened, but a catalysts of memories warmed my heart, as well.

Karen: You did a beautiful job of incorporating Greg’s song into a beautiful video…thank you for the beautiful pictures. The song brought tears, of course, but tears are healing, as we all know. Yes, I did get your email replies…when I was wondering what I did with Susannah’s numbers, I finally realized that I had put them on my cell phone…duh! Glad no one was watching me being so dumb!

Sus: Welcome to our beautiful state, and I am so glad you made it to the hotel and that Amanda and Bryan came over to greet you…you are one brave lady, coming all this way despite the obstacles that met you…the airlines will know better than to mess with you in the future! You WILL get where you want to go! Can’t wait to meet you, dear friend… Sorry about the rain and cold, but as Karen says, just wait a minute, it will change!

Trudi: SO good to see Micheal Shane’s sweet smile this morning…glad you got to spend time with the grandies, but yes, those school vacations can surely cause us to fall into a heap of weary. Kameron and Jameson are off this week, already I hope you are able to return to your healing ocean soon. Thanks for sharing the beautiful car sticker that Lorri and Monty created.

Colleen: Glad you had a good time in Puerta Vallarta…good weather, too, I’m sure…way better than we are having here currently…cold, damp and rainy…necessary for the ultimate beauty of spring, but not very spirit lifting while it’s here.

Sharon: Yes, the ups and downs of this journey can sometimes be overwhelming, especially in the beginning, but please know that we are with you, every step of the way, reaching out, holding you close, and sending strength, always.

Betsy: I too am so sorry that your brother and your sister have died…so sad for your family, especially for your mother, of course. You’ve had a lot of tragedy in your life dear lady. I am so sorry that you’ve had to endure the losses, but so glad that you did find your way here and we got to know you and count you among our blessings. Your new bike sounds great…wish we could go on a bike ride together!

Rhonda: Thanks for checking in and letting us know you will be busy this week…will be thinking of you!

Dee: Weather here has been cold, damp and ugly too...Karen says it is supposed to turn around tomorrow...I hope so..I know the rain is necessary for the beauty of spring, but it can sure be a downer! A lot of my perennials need clearing out, but it is too cold to do it now. New growth is coming through, so I'd best get started soon, though! I meant to tell you earlier that I too think the dress you got sounds lovely...I know that no matter what you wear, it will be a happy day for all.

Diane: thank you for sharing Nathan’s text…you will come to treasure it, and it will bring smiles to your heart, we promise!

Tony: Loved the tattoos…thanks for sharing. We all know those feelings of sadness at being reminded of the smells of our child…many of us still have a lingering reminder on some piece of clothing…the tears flow at those memories, and especially the reminders that those are the only memories we will have, but those tears can be healing, and eventually we come to a point where it softens and those memories warm our hearts, fill our minds with sweetness and some of the bitterness fades as healing takes place. Holding you close and keeping you in prayer for healing. Oh, and please don’t feel bad about coming here and telling us of your pain…that is why we all are here, to share and help…ourselves and each other.

Lori: Thank you for sharing Vanessa’s and Kailey’s life with us…we always love to hear stories of each other’s angels…sharing their memories helps keep their memory alive. We never get tired of hearing from each other! I too am so sorry for all of the heartache with Vanessa’s boyfriend…there are a few more on here who have had like experiences, and their pain, like yours, is palpable. It just doesn’t make sense when people are so hateful and uncaring, and wind up hurting people so much, needlessly. We have been most fortunate in Mike’s wife, in that she has gone out of her way to be sharing of Mike’s youngest child, and has allowed us into her life more than we had anticipated. When they first married, they were living with us, and it can be a rocky start when living with in-laws, and it was no less so for us, but eventually we had to call a truce when Mike was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer…thankfully, we each saw the other’s need for concentrating only on Mike’s needs at the time, and it eventually led us closer. Though the road was very rocky and shot through with pitfalls, I now feel very blessed, and so very thankful that things turned out in the positive. Thank you for sharing Vanessa’s beautiful photos of your other beautiful children…she was very, very good at her art…I am so glad you have those wonderful memories. Kailey, so precious, sweet, full of life…loved the pictures of her and her beautiful smile, reflecting all of the love that she was given!

Lorri: I am sorry about the puppy...I too think there should have been better screening. How is Kody doing?

Betty: So glad to hear that you are doing better. Baseball for us has started out dismally…the Sox are last on the board, with the Yanks right up there on top…the sox can’t seem to find their “mojo.” I am afraid if they don’t pretty soon, the season will be a bust, barring a baseball miracle! However, as Damon says, “we aren’t fair-weather fans,” so we must prevail! Meant to tell you also, thanks for sharing the wonderful dream about Stephen…

Crystal (Tyler’s mom): I am so sorry for all of the losses you’ve endured, and that you and hubby are having difficulties. Keeping you close in thought.

Amy: I loved the story about Ashley’s name showing up on the phone just before you won the tickets…pretty obvious sign that she is with you, always and everywhere! When Cathi (very reluctantly…she was NOT a fan) came to her first ballgame with me (the first summer after Mike died) and FINALLY (during the 7^th inning) agreed that baseball was fun and joyously shouted to the heavens (to Mike) “Okay! You win! I am a fan!” an ad showed up immediately on the board for “Mike…in the morning…97.3 am” we took it for a definite sign that Mike approved of her new “passion.” I have always believed that “if you think it’s a sign, it’s a sign.” We know our children better than anyone, and we know what they are connected to, and this is usually how they send signs to us…thanks so much for sharing.

Sherry, Marcia, Kathy, Leah, Lynn, and all other indigos...holding you close in thought and prayer, sending love to all of you, sorry if I missed anyone...

A lengthy post, but it’s been a while and I have missed a lot. I can't believe that Easter is this Sunday...sometimes time can seem so swift...I just put away the last of our Christmas stuff!

Well, as I said, Damon is here today, and I must get started on my day…take care all, thinking of all, holding you all close…

[shorty16]

Tony,

I went back and read some of your posts. The pain is so raw now. The shock is gone and reality is punching and kicking you.

Hang on my friend. Soon, one day, a bit of light will show through for just a short time. That time will increase - but not in days or weeks...months and years.

You are very new to this journey.

I can hear the pain in your voice and wish I could make it all better. For me, my big concern was I thought I was loosing my mind - going crazy. The thoughts of ending my life were real - but I could not do that to my surviving family. People on this site would tell me that the pain softens .....and I could not even comprehend that. And when I would laugh, I would feel guilty, because Brian was dead and I was laughing....What kind of parent does that???

Thoughts go through our heads that seem crazy for someone who has not lost a child, but are part of the process for us.

Slowly, I realized I had to live again.

I am thinking of you, Jackson and Michele.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Brian, Brian, Brian, Brain (I had to do that)

May the light in Brian's daughter's eyes bring you some joy today.

Colleen

[Guest msnher]

A light just went on.....I'm in New England! Always wanted to visit New England. It could be lack of sleep or just plain geographical ignorance (more likely the latter) but I was thinking going to Maine was like this huge trip...turns out it's just across the street.

Amanda and I are "chillin'" in my hotel room. Reading, talking...sleeping! Their apt is so tiny and her boyfriend is resting, so we're hanging out here.

The most important thing, I think, you can do in the face of grief is feel it...talk about it...talk about it...talk about it and then talk about it some more.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Brendan's Daddy]

That is exactly how I feel Colleen. It is so hard to live life because you feel like you have to not because you want to. I used to love life. I used to be so happy. Now I just feel like I am living on this Earth because I need to be here for others. Sometimes I do feel like I am going crazy. I just can't think of any happy thoughts. I see everybody else with their happy families and wonder how could this happen to us? My stomach is always sick and my guilt is driving me crazy. The few times I have laughed I thought exactly what you said. What kind of daddy could be laughing right now? My son is dead. My pain is so raw. I see him in everything I do and everywhere I go. I just can't believe he is really gone.

My wife and I are still talking about selling the house. I know that this is what she wants. It is just too hard for her to live next to our neighbor who was responsible for this accident. It is too hard for her to go out in the yard where our precious Brendan died. For me it is going to be really hard. So many memories of him in that house. I know he will come with us wherever we go, but I am afraid. I am so afraid to live in a house where Brendan never did. It just sounds and feels so wrong. I just want to hold my little boy again. Daddy loves you Brendan. Forever and always.

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[lolynbo]

KODYS FINE THANK YOU FOR ASKING..READY TO GRADUATE..AND GET PROM OVER WITH LOL

GLAD YOU LOVE THE STICKER MONTYS DOES SUCH A GREAT JOB..

GOT A SCARE THIS MORNING KOURTNEYS DOGGIE PRINCESS WAS DIAREAHA AND NOT EATING...(WHEN CHUCKIE MONKIE DONT EAT SOMETHINGS UP)...RUSHED HER TO THE VET...$165 LATER SHES FINE...THANK GOD

GOT ESTIMATE ON HAIL DAMAGE ON MY CAR $2750 MONTYS TRUCK HAS @2250 DAMAGE...SO NOW TO GET THEM FIXED...BUT MORE STORMS COMING...

HOPE EVERYONE IS WELL...HAD ME A MELT DOWN YESTERDAY BUT TODAY I CAN BREATHE...FOR NOW

BRIAN BRIAN BRIAN...HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[ericasmom]

Sus, say hi to New England for me, it is truly a beautiful area. I went to New Hampshire only once, there and Vermont, and I was amazed by the green, the streams, the pure lovliness of the hills. I have been to Boston many times and that area which I adore as well.

Glad that you are spending time with Amanda. She must be bursting with joy at your being with her.

Carol, what lovely words and you were able to write so much after losing your post. A determined woman you are.

I know one thing sure, that when I am having a good day, that when I cry, that when I dance, ERi is smiling on all of my movements and emotions, understanding them all, but when I laugh, I think she laughs too. I don't think anything could give her more joy than knowing we can laugh again.

I felt her with me in the night, I did not sleep well but when I felt her there I felt so cozy and tucked in I slept for a time.

[ericasmom]

OH COL, so glad that you had a time away in the warm sunshine with such a good friend...welcome home, I have ordered good weather, it just has not arrived yet.

Carol, yes, we are trying to make sure of the perennials, but they are growing so tall despite the weather. Frost tonight though which might end things for some. Hope not.

[lolynbo]

JUST GOT A PHONE CALL SAYING SOMEONE BROKE THE LOCKS OFF THE CLOSETS WHERE WE KEEP OR WINTER /SUMMER OVERFLOW AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...WHO DOES THIS????

[crystalann]

Tony,You said Colleen said it all.Well you said it all for me.I feel Tyler in everything I do.I dont want to move this is our home ,this is where Tyler's room is.My husband does want to move he said it is to hard on him here.I feel moving would be wrong this is where he is.

Sorry about Kourtney's Kloset things I hope it is all ok.Some people in this world I wonder.

Love to all,Crystal

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigos.....i'm here, but just hanging on by a thread these days....tomorrow is exactly 3 months....and i feel like it was yesterday....how do i do this...somehow, i don't feel any better, i don't feel my heart, my mind, my soul, my brain, my emotions, my body repairing in any fashion of the word.

i cry more now than ever before....my husband made the comment to me yesterday...'you're having more bad days than better days, aren't you?'...i said 'yes', and he just hugged me tight and sighed....for whatever that meant. not to be a downer, but some days, i don't even want to be here....not that i would do anything to myself....i have found out from nathan, that it just hurts those left behind waaayyyyy too much, and i couldn't and wouldn't do that to the rest of the family....but if i got hit by a mack truck, so be it. i just don't care about much these days....the tears flow like a faucet has been turned on.

i am trying so hard to do things again....i actually went to 2 stores today, all by myself....one was ok, the grocery store was more traumatic. i cried several times just shopping...one fellow, who knows me by name, asked if i was ok, i said 'yes' and kept going....the manager followed me out to my car to see if he could help me...i said 'no, i'm ok'.....he took my cart up to the cart thingie for me, but people definitely notice there is something "wrong"....i can't help it, and i don't care....i told you before, i am now IDC.....i thought i was ready to venture out, but apparently, i'm not. i asked my husband if he wanted me to try to start back into the work cycle slowly now, and he said, flat out 'no!, you are not ready' i was kind of relieved, but it just adds to my list of guilts....i feel like i need to help out at work, and it is a small office, so the other girls don't get a break or a day off because of me....there have been no complaints and they are both very sweet and understanding, but still.....i just can't shut off the pain, the hurt, the heartache, the emotions...everyday, i think this is going to be a better day, but it's not....it just gets worse and i don't know how to stop it...i don't know what to do to help myself....we see the counselor again tomorrow....maybe there is something she will say that will help me a little....a little goes a long way these days.....my sister is reading a book and it said something about that grief is the healer....it's hard to imagine that, since grief hurts so much now....

tony, don't worry about coming here and talking about your feelings, up or down, we all do it.....i am one of those who does it alot....it is a way to try to heal our broken hearts....talking about how we feel and our emotions....

to everyone else, thanks for responding and thanks for caring....it does help.....

hope you can sleep some tonight.....diane

[Guest msnher]

One of you need to hear this...

DON'T KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suicide might feel like an option, but it is not worth it...not to you and not to the people who love you. You may not be 100%. Hell, you may not even be a fraction of that. But, your presence is needed here...on planet earth...on THIS side of life. You. Your presence. Not what you do. Who you are. The good, the bad and the ugly...needed. Here. Now.

Your child is screaming at me to tell you to stay.

I'm not sure exactly who it is or whom this is to...."You will feel so bad if you leave early. And, once you leave you can't come back. You will have to watch the people who love you suffer. Feel me. I'm stroking you hair."

[charsng1234]

just checking in saying I am still here.. Just have a terrible headache a huge hole in my heart wish I could say more its just to hard.. shanes mom sharon.

[lolynbo]

DIANE AND SHARON...HUGGS TO YAL....IM FEELING THE SAME WAY AND IM LOOKING AT ALMOST 3 YEARS (GOD I CANT BELIEVE IM TYPING THAT) IN JUNE ...JUNE 17, 2008...IT STILL SEEMS LIKE A DREAM/NIGHTMARE.....I ALMOST BLACK OUT WHEN I LET MYSELF GO THERE

SUS...WHAT A MESSAGE...CLDA BEEN TO ME THE OTHER DAY...I SERIOUSLY THINK THAT SOMETIMES...THAT IT CLD BE SO EASY....I TRULY ASKED GOD THE OTHER DAY "WHY CANT YOU JUST LET ME DIE/GO"....BUT WE HAVE TO SADLY STAY FOR THE OTHERS....

HUGGS TO ALL

[lolynbo]

She's got a way about her

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without her

She's got a way of pleasin'

I don't know why it is

But there doesn't have to be a reason anywhere

She's got a smile that heals me

I don't know what it is

But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way of talkin'

I don't know why it is

But it lifts me up when we are walkin' anywhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down

Inspires me without a sound

She touches me and I get turned around

She's got a way of showin'

How I make her feel

And I find the strength to keep on goin'

She's got a light around her

And ev'rywhere she goes a million

Dreams of love surround her ev'rewhere

She comes to me when I'm feelin' down

Inspires me without a sound

She touches me, I get turned around oh oh oh

She's got a smile that heals me

I don't know why it is

But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way about her

I don't know what it is

But I know that I can't live without her any way

BILLY JOELS SONG HAS BEEN IN MY HEAD WANTED TO SHARE....SEEMS PRETTY FITTING TO ME LATELY

[aim630]

Don't have much to say, just checking in.

Brian, Happy Belated Heavenly Birthday! Let your parents and daughter feel your presence today.

Lorri-thanks for sharing that song, I've always loved it, and it does seem fitting now. Sorry someone broke in to Kourtney's Kloset. I can't believe people stoop that low, especially when you are doing good for your community.

Sus-Hope you have a good time in NH and glad that Amanda is ok. Enjoy your time with her & have fun meeting Carol & Karen. We have a lot of trees in Ohio. When my friend from Colorado visited she could not believe all our trees, because they mostly only grow around the rivers and in the mountains there.

Sharon, Tony & Diane-Hang in there. This is the most difficult time you've ever gone through and it has not been very long. It does and will get better, but never as good as it was before. We can't change that though, so we learn to live with what we have now. It's all you can do. Your kids want you to smile and laugh. You know if you had died first, you would want your children to be happy. Everyone here says you have to go THROUGH the grief and that's what you're doing.

Tired, long days at work...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

(((((Lorri)))))

I "introduced" Amanda to all your angels this afternoon. Showing her their pictures and explaining who they were and how they died. She laughed out loud when she saw your statement, Lorri, "Cancer can kiss my ass". (She had to fight cervical cancer too) I told her about Kourtney's closet.

Each angel.

From Eri to Brendan and everyone who came in between. She was with me when Carol called to say she found a wheelchair for us to use tomorrow. She was sitting beside me when Karen called after I left a message to pick her up to drive to Maine with us. She belly laughed as she heard my side of the conversation explaining to Karen how I argued with the hotel receptionist about driving south to get to Maine.

With respect and reference she listened, occasionally asking a question. She was very interested in Eri. We talked about how there aren't gates at the railroad crossings here and how ridiculous we think that is. She quietly said "I did that" when I tell her how Brian died car surfing.

I told her that all of you prayed for her.

We then called the kids and spoke to them on speaker phone. Mariah had a sad day because she misses me and "sometimes you get homesick for the person who is on vacation or something." Jasmine didn't seem interested in me at all, she just wanted to talk to Aunt Amanda. Jonathon began to cry as soon as he heard my voice, "I miss you, Grandma" and, then he heard Aunt Amanda and he was as happy can be.

Those are the reasons my heart still beat. You are the reason I still breath...even when it hurts...especially when it hurts to do so. You guys saved me.

I kept living out of responsibility until I began living out of desire.

[crystalann]

Sorry to hear so many of us are down! Maybe tomorrow will be better.I am suppossed to call the DA to see if this kid took the deal.Dont want to I dont seem to care about it.It wont bring Tyler back.

I have a friend I just started talking to again well its been a couple years now.Our kids have grown up together,her oldest was Tylers best friend I think 13 years.She got sick a week after Tyler died.I knew it was bad.They told her she has stage 4 colon cancer.She just started chemo she isnt getting sick.Her husband is a heavy drinker and is so mean to her.Tells her she is a burden on him.So I dont know what to do to help her.I dont know what to do for her kids.I am so negative right now I feel I might make things worse.I just dont know what to do about anything anymore.I just turned 40 in Dec. and I feel like I have aged 10 years in the last 3 1/2 months.

LOVE TO ALL,Crystal

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Going to bed, JOn and Shan were here, brought us a great dinner from a great little old business a few towns away...spinach and artichoke pizza, gnocchi, arancini, caprese salad...so good, so fattening which of course i don't need. Ahhhh, hoping to sleep well tonight, but I must get there first.

Thanks for sharing our angels Sus.

Carol and Karen, how cool that you are helping out with Sus and going to meet are you?

Lorri, plain old sucks like crazy that someone would be so low to do such a thing. I sure am hoping that the fool that did that finds out that he is a fool before long, before his life turns into a series of failures. To prey off those helping out the people in need...well it is a special kind of low.

Amy, tired long days here too. Sleep deeply and have a nice day tomorrow.

Sharon three months is the time period that I found some of my more painful times. It seemed my shock was gone adn I was a fresh wound. But the only way to the other side of grief is to go through it. You are going through it, one day you will look and see your steps, they are many already, and you will see how far you have traveled adn you will feel proud of yourself for having taken these steps. Not easy at all but necesssary. Same to all those new here. Diane, I would say that crying in the store in no way means you were not ready. You were ready, you went, so that means you were ready in my book. Tears do not mean that you are weak or not able to be out in public, it simply means that you are out in public with tears. I let my tears flow when they come, I can do nothing about them when they come anyway. When folks look at me funny or ask if I am ok? I say yes, I am okay but I am thinking about my Daughter and she died so I am just crying. It isn't catchy.

Love to all,

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah said: "I kept living out of responsibility until I began living out of desire."

When we learned that Mike was going to die, both his dad and I wished we could take his place...it wasn't fair...we had lived our lives; he hadn't. He was just beginning a new chapter in his life...settling into his adulthood with a loving new wife, a beautiful new baby, a great new job...so, so unfair. After Mike died, despite my pain and tremendous sense of loss, I couldn't seem to want to die...previously in my life I have never wanted to die...at one point of severe depression years earlier, I wanted to be at the bottom of a warm lake, in a far corner, hidden by grass and trees, alone for a while; but I didn't want to die. After Mike died, the eyes of my husband held such deep sadness. My daughter Cathi; her heart was broken without her baby "bro" around to banter with; to share the joys and challenges of parenthood with; to share their lives as adult siblings. My grandson Davis, lost and feeling alone without his Uncle who he grew up with in the same house and thought of as his big and only brother. Mike's older boys, babies really, at only 9 and 8, scared and hurting, afraid to cry and when they finally did, their little bodies shook and their tears formed little rivers on their faces as they sat next to me, sinking into each side of me, no longer able to hide from their pain. And when the tears finally ran out, they seemed to start breathing again, and smiling again, the fear that was in their eyes, fading over time. Mike's wife looked so lost and abandoned, so heartbroken as she laid her new husband to rest. Her eyes were sunken from sleepless nights in her now huge bed, crying and screaming into her pillow so neither her baby nor her neighbors would hear her. And Mike's baby, not even two...fresh in the world, blessedly not even aware of the loss he'd just experienced, as his innocence reminded us all of our responsibility to make sure that he grew up knowing who his daddy was. Who was going to be here for all of them? Mike told me "you can't die because I do, Mom." And I couldn't. The pain was there, excrutiatingly so, my heart broken forever. But, I guess I "kept living out of responsibility, until I began living out of desire." Thank you Susannah, for putting it into words for me...I lived it, I knew it, but I couldn't name it, until now.

Those of you who are so new to this journey, please know that there will come a day when you WILL start "living out of desire"...you will...truly. And your angel will spread the word to all of our angels..."Hey everyone, my mom/dad has made it...they have found joy again...just like I wanted." And this IS what they want. So, for now, "live out of responsibility," and eventually, you WILL live out of desire. You will.

I've posted this before, but it is such an inspiration to me...there is always a light, somewhere, no matter how dark it is...

[mysonrich]

Susannah, maybe you and Amanda can take a drive to the ocean and dip your toes in the Atlantic. If you both are “Polar Bears”, take a swim! Thanks for asking about my brother. I talk to him a couple of times a day,sometimes more. He went back to work which is good. He comes home to a empty house, well, the dog is there. Time. In time.

Wanting to die is viewed as a alternative to a pain that only death can cure. Not wanting to die myself after Rich died, I felt a long sleep would be the only way through my grief. As the days go on, as the years unfold, reflecting , I just wanted it to go away. Stop. After I received Rich’s autopsy report I was able to breath. Four months with a tight band around my chest that I was unaware of. There were no real answers in the report but I believe I took my first real step forward at that time.

Three day weekend and I will try to make it to the shore myself one day.

[ericasmom]

Carol so well put. Taking the quote from Sus, (great way to phrase it Sus) and telling your story will surely help those newer here, as well as remind us oldies of the sharp differences of early grief and now for some of us. I have always pictured our angels being so very excited by 'our making it' because I do believe that they are with us and cheering us forward, hoping we laugh again, hoping they hear it more and more. I believe that the exchange of love upon our first knowing them and throughout their lives is the glue that allows our communication or sense of them now, it is always going to be that we are their parents, they are always our Babies. Their lives are not erased, but rather encased in our collective memory, our souls.

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I wish I had the time to respond to each one of you, but I am so far behind in my work.

Just wanted to stop by and say Hello to my friends who help me make it through the day.

You are all more important to me than you know.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

I am not a pyschic or clairavoyant or medium. I really don't have any more intuitive gifts than the anyone else. Perhaps my intuition would be stronger if I didn't squelch them. This is not something I welcome, however. I think what I am is more willing than others to be embarrassed or considered a kook. Which is surprising because what other people think matters to me. I wish it didn't, but it does.

I'm sorry I couldn't be more direct last night. There was sense of urgency and as soon as I realized the message I allowed my own emotions to help whomever needed help to get in the way. Someone (the parent) was sitting, sobbing into their hands...it was happening at the time I typed, I didn't edit or delay or add to it. I typed it at that time and sent it. If memory serves me correctly it was after 9:30pm N.H. time. The time on the posts are not actual time.

The message was for whomever was in the action of taking their own life at the moment I posted. Not all, but several of our angels were there supporting the angel trying to get through to their parent. My Stephanie was not there. There was such urgency and my own emotions were in the way that I couldn't get a clear picture. The words were quite clear, however.

[mikesmum]

The pain of living outweighed the pain of leaving.

Something someone told me on hearing Micheal took his own life. At the time the ache, the never ending feelings of loss held me down in the darkness and had no fight left in me.

Suicide wasn't something I 'actively' sort. I wanted to sleep till I reached the other side of the pain. I thought about what that person had said and realised that the pain of my leaving was something my children and their children should never have to bare. I know the enormous pain caused by Mike's leaving.

We do find the ability to breath again, the tears do subside. The hole in our heart remains, a reminder that we loved so much and that will never fade.

Its late here. Didn't do so well on my first assignment, but hey it was a pass. Still here in Healesville for Easter and ANZAC day on Monday.

Dawn service with Melissa to acknowledge my Dad's service in WWII on Monday.

I wrote this in my Journal in my first year.

I never quite understood when someone said "I just want the pain to go away." It was a pain that had no visible cause, a pain borne of the heart that affected the mind and disabled the body. It was an ache of earth shattering proportions.

A pain that made one bone weary from doing nothing: tired and vulnerable yet unable to explain its grasp, exhausting even the most stoic of beings.

This pain takes your mind; it takes your spirit and eventually overwhelms the soul. Sleeps eludes you, time is against you.

I thought nothing could be so bad that you never wanted to wake up.

I was so wrong - I know of such pain.

I still know that pain, but to such a lesser degree that I can 'live'.

Night all - Angels watch over us all

[crystalann]

Morning all,

I hope everyone has the best day they can.The rain woke me up.I guess you can say that.. I go to sleep and wake up every couple hours.I go to sleep crying wake up crying all hours of the night and wake up crying in the morning.I am so tired! I feel like I did better weeks ago and now I feel like it was yesterday.This pain never goes away.I find myself ask whats the point? Everything hurts everything.I HATE IT

Love to all Crystal

[shorty16]

Crystal

RIGHT NOW - the pain never goes away, but it will.

I know that is hard to believe - I did not believe it either.

But, I am living proof (as are the others on this site) that the pain does subside.

Shock is wearing off and reality sucks.

Hang on girl. We are here for you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Carol , Sus Trudi, Betsy, Chrystal, Colleen AND Dee I was deeply touched by your messages

There was a time in my life that I felt I just was not up to it all and wanted to die. I know that deep pain of which you all speak. Coming here daily, reading just sitting , posting when I could helped ease the pain. Knowing I was not alone and that I could feel such a positive loving connection to the angels here and all the parents, felt like a miracle. It no doubt was.

I still must get my Indigo fix each day So Tyler'smom,Amy Diane, Karen, Sharen, Crystal Lori Tony and all Indigos just keep coming back

Have a Blessed day

Thanks for being here and posting your hearts.sere was a time in my life that I felt I just was not up to it all and wanted to die I k now that pain of which you all speak. Coming here daily, reading just sitting , posting when I could [pSometimes How

[Brendan's Daddy]

Morning everybody. It was a very rough night and another rough morning for me. I hate being such a downer, but I just can't snap out of this haze. I am not sure how two people who love the same little boy so much can grieve so differently. My wife and I just don't seem to be on the same page and it scares me. I don't know what I would do without her. Why can't I start to realize what I have instead of what I lost. I have a loving beautiful wife, I have Jackson my precious 5 year old little boy and I was blessed with Brendan for 7 years 3 months and 3 days. I think of people out there who want children so very badly, but are unable. Would I trade those 7 years with Brendan not to feel this pain??? Not a chance! I couldn't trade my time with Brendan for anything. Why can't I appreciate what I have? I still have so much to live for, but all I think about is Brendan. I just want and need to be with him. I don't feel like I can wait. I am so tired of feeling this way. I know he wouldn't want me to be like this,but I just can't get myself out of it. Lord I miss my son so much. I just spend my day aimlessly going through life. Like I am in some sort of fog. I stare at the clock hoping the day will go by fast. I can't believe God would let people hurt so badly. It just doesn't seem fair.

Wishing you all strength today

Brendan's daddy-Tony

[briansdad]

<BR><IMG src="http://neverlosefaith.com/birth/brianapril2011.jpg"><BR>

<BR><BR><BR>THAT'S MY BOY <IMG class=bbc_emoticon alt= src="http://forums.grieving.com/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.gif"> Don't you love the catepiller eyebrows.I used to tease him about his fuzzy brows

[nicksdad]

Nick was really into tattoos as was I in my military days.... These are the tattoos i've gotten since Nick left.

The cross is something Nick drew and the wording on both arms is something that Nick wrote.

[shorty16]

Tony said "Why can't I appreciate what I have? I still have so much to live for, but all I think about is Brendan"

Tony, You are so new to this journey. So new to this loss of a piece of yourself. You are grieving. Grieving is so powerful and will not be denied.

When you say "You and your wife are not on the same page" Men and women are so different in their grieving process.

It is OK to be afraid. In the beginning, It was like I was a robot. I did what I had to and then went to bed around 5 pm, because I was exhausted. I was no help to anyone. Then, the sun started to shine through the clouds. It will happen, but it will take many months if not years to reach. Be kind to yourself.

Nicks DAD, WOW those are some tatoos. I love the verses, Nick was an insightful young man. I really like the cross. Faith is something that comes with time. In the beginning, everything about me was hurting. Faith had a difficult time shining. But as we know, as time goes on, we are more able to function in this new life we have. Your son is looking at those tats saying "Way to go DAD"

THanks for sharing

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

I was in meetings without a computer from 8-1:30, so now back at school doing a bit of grading and splitting to the gym. It is a no kid day today and because we are a public school, a day off tomorrow but not because of Good Friday..well not in word anyway. So no kids an da lot to catch up on, being evaluated on Tuesday, must fillin th eforms, new tools being used by our administrators...makes me nervous as educators are getting th ereally raw end of it lately...oh well, do my best and we shall see.

Tony, do hang on, and do call the doctor and see if he can squeeze you in before the weekend...I know that you feel you cannot wait to be with Brendan, but Brendan can wait, he is fine, really, he is well cared for and loved and he is rooting for his hero to live in this world, to live in his light, to sing songs and read books with Jackson and while it isn't the same, it cannot be, it will be okay, it will one day be good, but for now it just is horrid. Just know that it is not horrid for your Boy, he is whole, he is perfect, he is not afraid. Let his love guide you to the ways to stay here and be safe. You and your wife are traveling in two directions which a counselor needs to help. It is so hard to stay on the same page with grief, almost impossible and so what needs to be discussed is how to respect each others grief. How to honor each others ways of dealing. Go get the book written by two moms who lost their children: The Worst Loss. It is an important book written by those who know first hand what it si we go through.

Please hang on, there is value in your being here, even if you feel you have nothing to offer.

dee