Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Missincraig------I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Craig. You have found a place here at BI where

everyone understands your sorrow. Please come back and be in the BI Family.

Lynn----I'm sorry that I could not see your pic. I have sattelite for internet (not good, but the only thing available...

expensive too). Since it's cloudy, and rainy today, the signal is weak, and pics won't load. Sweet Kayla will be

in your heart forever.

Pam-----Sending thoughts & prayers for you, friend.

Betty----Watching the home movie of your niece's wedding and seeing Stephen must have been so painful---

bittersweet. Sorry that the little squirrel is gone now. She lived a nice little life (except for the injured paw),

but you were her friend, and gave her nuts to eat, making her busy day nicer. She had her little family too.

There's also a place in heaven for all our little furry & feathery friends......large or small, I believe. Peace to you.

Dee---I hope that the chiro was able to relieve your back pain. So nice that Meghan asked if she could name her

expected baby girl's middle name ERica. The pic of the little elephants was so cute. It was large enough that I

could see it since it was a UTube video. Couldn't view the video because of the weak sattelite signal, but they

look so cute in the pic. Yes, I agree.....the tears do have a way of diminishing in due time, but then can come

on in a flash. Sometimes it seems as if it would help the pain & sorrow if the tears would just come. Yes...it's

very sad to see that this site is getting so many new members....sad that they even need to look for a site of

this kind.......the kind no one ever wants to be on.

Diane----I also think that the first 2 yrs. (and possibly more) after the loss of a child, is just the survival mode.

Each has to do whatever it takes to survive. There are no hard-and-fast rules. We just must go how our hearts

& souls lead us. Also, so nice that the baby will have Nathan's name for his middle name.

Lori----Your writing was just beautiful. Your lovely daughters' spirits are with you always.

Crystal-Megsmom----Hope you enjoy the concert.

Tony-----As you said.......SOMEDAY.....we will see them again. That's what keeps us going, I think.

Leah-----I also feel the same way about collections......I don't collect anything anymore. I will be giving my dolls

to an animal shelter for their annual large garage sale to support their work. Have a lot of other stuff that I had

collected in the past, and none of it means anything anymore.....can't give it to my daughters..... they don't want it,

so off it goes to charity thrift stores.....a little at a time. I'm sorry you have a lot of stress in your life, and I am praying hard

that you can get some peace, my BI friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

Hi Everyone

Ive been reading the posts and just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you all. I feel better today than I did when I last posted but this is how it goes now, up and down. So glad to have found this site as I dont feel I have the same support of family or friends that I did in the beginning. Life goes on for them and they think you are ok. I have quite a large family and when Craig was missing and up to the funeral my sisters were in my house all the time. after the funeral they visited every day to make sure I was ok but now they dont even phone. I have asked the doctor to refer me for counselling and im waiting for the appointment to come through. I hope this will give me a chance to talk through all my negative feelings, guilt and worry about Craig.

Glad to have you all, all my love

Bridie

THEY JUST ASSUME WE ARE "OVER IT"...MY SISTER DOESNT GET IT,,,,HELL I DONT GET IT..HOPE YOU FIND WHAT YOUR NEEDING...I TOO AM LOOKING FOR ANOTHER OUTLET NOTHING IS HELPING ANYMORE...NOT MY CHURCH, NOTHING....WE HAVENT HAD COMPASSIONATE FRIENDS MEETING SINCE JUNE 10...SO THERE GOES THAT...

[ericasmom]

Crystal, not a genius, but if I have been helpful I am happy. That is what I figure one of my life jobs is now, to share with the next ones to come to this sadness, to be there for them as others were here for me when I arrived. I am glad that you feel that this is going to be something you can do...that and being able to share your story and y our life with us will perhaps give you the connection you so missed out on. Peace to you.

Bridie, can you tel us more about your so handsome Son, Craig? I know your heart is broken, and I am glad that you found us. Let us know more when you are able.

[charsng1234]

did not make it to work today,I am having a hard day I sleep and know in my dreams my shane is gone than i wake and feel the same sadness.I can not ever get away from this pain this nightmare!! I wish I could go back to the friday he went out and begged him to stay home I just do not see a light anywere I see all his friends living laughing enjoying there lives I am so bitter I want shane to be here. I am always asking GOD to bring him back I know he can do it if he wants. I am so tired can not seem to do anything. I wonder what his last thoughts were if he was scared, did he have that feeling someone was watching him?? I feel like I let him down some how I was not there to save him to take care of him. Why him?? I hate this life I hate everything about this world now. I know I can go anywere and never see my baby again.This is so hard I dont know if I can do it!!

[shorty16]

Hello my friends,

I guess my "visits" from Brian may be different. It is like he plants these crazy-funny thoughts in my head.

The craziest was about 1 year ago when Aaron was dating a girl named Ari. We had just met her and I thought she was wonderful. I can remember thinking to myself, "Brian would be so proud of his little brother" and just after I thought that the following thought popped into my head "HOW DO YOU KNOW ARI IS NOT A GUY???? HAHAHA)

After I stopped laughing, I am thinking "Where the heck did that come from" and "That is exactly something Brian would have said to me."

There have been others, but they are all making fun of his siblings. Brian was a major jokester!

Thanks, funny

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[bridie]

Dee- Craig was in a friend's house on the night of May 7th. There were 4 boys there, drinking and playing video games. Craig had borrowed a pair of swimming shorts off the boy who owned the house with the plan of going swimming the following day in a pool up the glen. he had done this on the 7th and had a great time, the weather was very warm (even in Scotland). He left that house at some time between 2am and 4am in the morning and was never seen since. His body washed up six weeks later in a loch which is in the opposite direction to home from the house he was in. when they found him he was fully dressed and the shorts he had borrowed were tucked into the waistband of his jeans. As he was in the water for so long post mortem results were that cause of death is unacertained. He was 18. I know I'll never get the answers to what happened to him that night. Only a few months ago i saw the post mortem results for the first time, they were quite harrowing due to the decomposition of his body but he had fresh bruises to both shins and three front teeth missing. I am at a loss of what to make of this.

[lolynbo]

WHILE GOING THRU PAPERS TO TAG MONTYS HARLEY FOUND EVERYONES BIRTH CERTIFICATES INCLUDING KOURTNEYS....SO I REALIZED WE CAN FRAME OUR KIDS BIRTH CERTIFICATES BUT THEN WHAT DO WE DO WITH THE DEATH CERTIFICATES?....WHICH WAS UNDER THE BIRTH CERTIFICATES?

[ericasmom]

Bridie, so so sad, I am sorry and I apologize if i missed this story somehow when you first were here. A young lady from this same neighborhood, who knew Eri too, drown in a lake inAlaska 4 years after ERi died. She was working for Teach America and went out on Memorial weekend with others and they all drown. Her body was not found, hers and a young man, until July. From May 30-July2.

I am so sad for the worry you must have endured while Craig was missing. I so wish you did not have to know this unbelievable ache.Thanks for sharing with me/us.

Lorri, I know, that certificate blows me away each time I see it.

Sharon, the lack of sleep or disturbed sleep makes the days so much harder. I know that you hate this world right now, but this is the world you are in, you can do this Sharon, Shane wants you to stay here until a natural time is your exit. I know our Children did not have a natural end, but Lord knows our families have gone through enough to not have more. Hang on, eat a bit of food, drink a bit of juice, take a tiny walk, little tiny accomplishments might add up and give you some sense of the step by step process of living again. It will not be easy, but one day it will be easier.

Be well all,

dee

[Ted Dixon]

I just joined.

Lost 23 year old daughter Bronwyn.

[Crystal Rogerson]

Welcome Ted -

I'm still a "newbie" here myself, but you will find that this is a safe and helpful place for you to come and share the good, the bad and the ugly. People here don't judge, are always understanding and encouraging. I know I'm not alone in saying I'm sorry that you lost your daughter. Bronwyn. We all hate the fact that we are here but we can count on eachother, when the rest of the world doesn't know how to deal with us and our grief. Share with us anything that you feel you can or want to. Wishing you peace.

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

I just joined.

Lost 23 year old daughter Bronwyn.

[westleysmom]

No way I can catch up, busy at work and haven't been able to read the past few days posts. Just thinking of you all and hoping you get a minute's peace. My cousin's 28 year old son committed suicide this week, and since I heard, I just haven't been able to read for that reason too. They live in Montana and I haven't seen her in several years. To all the new people, I'm so sorry for your losses. This is a good place to find support. It has helped me so much. Talk to you all later.

[dwsmithrn]

welcome ted....so sorry for your loss.....i am diane, i lost my son nathan just 11 weeks ago, he took his life at this very time of day just 11 short weeks ago...i don't do well on fridays, especially on fridays...so this will be short....i just wanted to tell you that you can come here and purge your heart and soul. the heart is heavy here, but we all understand the pain and turmoils of losing a child....it is too much to bear alone, so feel free to come here and say what you need to, we are here to hold each other up, even on our darkest days...this is one of mine....i hurt too much today, so i am signing off.

i am so sorry you have to be here, sorry any of us have to be here....no one wants this site to even have to be available, but truth is, it is here, for people like us....so together we forge ahead, and morph into the new people we have to be.....for we are forever changed....struggling just to survive.

[dwsmithrn]

ooohhhh rhonda, my heart is aching for your cousin and family.....that is sad news and i am soo, soo sorry....it hurts and it won't get better for your cousin for a long time....i am sorry....wish i could be there for her.....my thoughts are with your family....diane

[daveydow1]

Sharon-----I'm so sorry for all your pain and anguish. My heart goes out to you as you mourn

for your beloved son, Shawn. I, too, know the extreme pain of sleeping, then waking up to

a new day and having the realization of your loss which is a stab to the heart. Just try to make

it from minute to minute.......which is how we all would do when we were so very early on

this journey, as you are now. Keep coming to this site and we are her for you, friend.

Colleen-------So funny.......the little 'jokester' thoughts that Brian would no doubt have sprung

on his siblings. What a happy, funny, and sweet son he is.

Dee & Lorri-----I agree with you......the death certificates are indeed very devastating to look at.

It's like we KNOW......(of course we know).......but seeing it in print just brings back terrible

'black hole' feelings. I have not looked at David or Lisa's death certificates for so long......

have them put away somewhere.

Ted------I am sorry for your loss of your beloved daughter, Bronwyn. I would like to welcome

you to this site.....and at the same time, wish that there would never be the need for you to come

to a site such as this. I wish that no one would ever have the need. But, this site can be a

lifeline because everyone here knows the pain and sorrow of losing a child. I hope you can

come back to BI ( short for BEYOND INDOGO which was the former name, but many here

still call it BI). Tell us more about your daughter when you feel you wish to. Peace to you.

Rhonda-----Yep....if one misses a couple or several days coming to BI, it is so hard to catch up

again, especially when the site is growing. So, just jump back in wherever you come back......

it happens to all of us from time to time, I believe. So, just come back and let us see Westley's smiling face

Also...I'm sorry to hear of your cousin's 28 yr. old son's passing. Prayers for this devastating sorrow

they must now live with. Peace & Prayers, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

.

[Guest msnher]

I think changing our name to grieving.com worked because more people can find us. I think that's the reason for the increased membership, not that more children are dying.

Ted - when I tried to post the first time all I could say was "my daughter died". Bronwyn is a beautiful name. I hope you will tell us more when you are able.

There are a few more new names here. I'm so sorry any of you have reason to be here. I'm so sorry I have reason to be here...but, we are very lucky to have this place to come to. It literally saved my life. I will make time tonight to catch up.

We are having sandwiches for dinner...ham/turkey/lettuce/tomatoes/onion/avocado...on itialian buns. I forgot sprouts. The kids love it. The kids have only lived with me for a 26 months, and I'm cutting myself some slack because 20 of those months were spent grieving their mother, my daughter, death. But, tonight I had a little tantrum about homework.

It's always homework for them...laundry for me. I send them to Power Hour to do homework and they haven't been doing it or turning in their reading sheets. The thing is they're doing the reading. I've been puzzled about it all this time. I've voiced my confusion to the teachers...I've asked the kids and get the same answer "I don't know"...(what happened to your homework/reading sheets?)

So, tonight I raised my voice and told them I know it's late in the year but from now on in this house if they do not do their homework and turn them in plus their reading sheets there will be no computer, television, radio, movies, wii, or any electrical game from Friday until Sunday night.

Jasmine sat down and did her homework right away. All three were saying, "Yes, Grandma."

Then I made them rootbeer floats. I'm a little slow...but, we get there.

Colleen - A little voice tells me it's definitely Brian's voice giving you those thoughts...

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/08/deer-goose-video_n_846542.html

Gotta love the communication between animals...

[ericasmom]

Ted, my welcome to you as you find yourself in this place...when you are able, please tell us about Bronwyn, her life and how you have been getting on since she died. My girl, Erica, was 19 when she was killed by a train at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. This happened in July of 2003 and so I have found home in this place. Sherry adn I have been here about he same amount of time.

We are full,

our hearts,

our pain,

our ability to help one another,

full of grace.

[aim630]

I'm so tired, having been cleaning all week getting ready for Katie's party tomorrow, plus I have been working a lot (on very little sleep).

Dee-Thanks for posting the cute animal videos. Made me smile after a long day without much smiling.

Carol-Glad your Red Sox finally won, and you were there to see it. I hope you have a good time in Florida.

Ted-I'm sorry you're here, but welcome. My 23 yr old daughter Ashley died 14 months ago tomorrow from complications of pneumonia. Please tell us more about Bronwyn when you are able.

Rhonda-I'm sorry for your cousin and her family.

I know I wanted to respond to a lot of things, but I can barely keep my eyes open. At lunch, my boss found a scarf she had lost several days earlier. She said she prayed she would find it & she did. I prayed Ashley would get better and she didn't. Does that make her a better person than me? She got her stupid scarf back, I lost my kid. Sorry-bad day.

Thinking of everyone. Hopefully I'll get rid of this nasty attitude by tomorrow.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Brendan's Daddy]

Crystal

It is amazing that you said that about the red tail hawk. When you mentioned the Hawk sailing next to your car window for 10 miles I was amazed. That was one of the things that my friend talked about when he was telling me about his signs. He said that as he would drive a Red Tail Hawk would glide right outside his truck window for miles and miles. I drive a ton and have never seen a Hawk sailing outside my car window for so long.

Diane

I completely understand your shaken faith. I am in that place so often, but try to get myself to be strong and make myself believe. I have been right where you are. I have yelled at God, cursed God. I know in my hear that had God chosen to save Brendan then Brendan would be here with me tonight. I don't know what God's plan is and I don't like it, but his ways are not our ways I guess. I will never understand why God chose not to save my Brendan that day. I mean he is God right? He can do anything that he chooses and for whatever reason he chose not to save Brendan. He chose to make our lives what it is today. Even believing all of that I have to believe that he has a greater plan. I have to believe that the pain we feel here on Earth will not compare to the joy we will have when we are together again in Heaven. The years we live here are nothing compared to the eternity we are promised with our loved ones in Heaven. I just have to believe that when I get to Heaven and see my son again then I won't care about the pain I have been put through here. It may sound corny, but I just have to believe that. Here is what I choose to believe. We can either choose to believe or not to believe that is the free will that God has given us. The way I look at it, I would rather believe and be wrong than not believe and be wrong. I choose to believe. Am I mad at God. Yes. Every single day.

I am praying for you Diane. You are on my mind often as are all of my new friends on this site. You have all helped me so much the past two days.

Good night everybody.

[ericasmom]

Amy, your sarcasm is not lost on me, I laughed when you said, 'she got her stupid scarf back...' Get some rest if you can and enjoy the party.

Rhonda, how extremely sad for your cousin, for her Son, for everyone in his life, and for you, to feel the pain that so deeply we feel when we learn of another losing a child...

Love the messages coming from a red tail hawk. they are so beautiful, we have a few that live near our school in a very populated suburban neighborhood. A little bird landed on the windowsill for several hours each day when ERi was hanging on by those few threads that allowed us to still visit with her. I do think winged creatures are significant, birds, bats, dragonflies, butterflies...

Sleep with the deep message of love that never dies,

dee

[lolynbo]

know I wanted to respond to a lot of things, but I can barely keep my eyes open. At lunch, my boss found a scarf she had lost several days earlier. She said she prayed she would find it & she did. I prayed Ashley would get better and she didn't. Does that make her a better person than me? She got her stupid scarf back, I lost my kid. Sorry-bad day.

I SO UNDERSTAND THAT ...STUPID PPL...LETS ALL PRAY THE LADY FINDS HER SCARF...GEEEZ GIVE ME A BREAK...I PRAYED SO HARD FOR KOURTNEY AS WELL AS MY SELF I WAS RAMBLING TALKN IN TOUNGUE NOT MAKING SINCE...HELL I CLDNT EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING ROCKING BACK AND FORTH TIL I ALMOST PASSED OUT......NOT THAT I FEEL MY PRAYERS WERE NOT ANSWERED...I JUST GUESS MAYBE I PRAYED TO HARD "HEAL HER HEAD TO TOE, LET ME TAKE HER HOME"....WELL SHES HEALED SHES HOME JUST NOT MY HOME......AMY SOME PPL JUST DONT GET IT...ITS JUST LIKE THE LADY THAT WAS CRYING A FEW MONTHS AGO AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET..."MY DAUGHTERS CAR GOT REPOED"....I THOUGHT WELL MAKE YOUR DAM PAYMENT...

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Everyone talking about signs from our loved ones and coincidently, someone I know sent me this link.

It's an amazing story. Please go read it!

Heal your life

I have been spending a lot of time sitting outside on my patio, enjoying the weather and gardening. I have a cactus that has been sitting in a pot for years and It never really grows or has changed in appearance. Anyway, It Bloomed these big beautiful yellow flowers and it has never bloomed before. The second I saw the flowers, I had an immediate thought of Kailey and an instant feeling of peace. Kailey's favorite color was yellow.

[mikesmum]

Ted - Its hard to say welcome here, given the cost of being apart of this group involves losing your child.

I lost Micheal just over 4yrs ago. In fact its 4yrs ago this month that I found BI. Please, when you can, tell us about Bronwyn. I hold that our kids are much more than that one day when they left us.

"Prayers for a scarf". So that's why the prayers fall short on the little things, we're praying for scarves!

Just had a call that our friend Peter (we were at his birthday/living wake 2 weeks ago) has passed. One heck of a man who gave 30+yrs to the ambulance service and leaves a legacy of children, grandchildren and a great grandchild.

Home in the hills, never easy, especially today.......Peace out Indigo's

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Rhonda so very sorry to hear about your cousin and family Thoughts and prayers. It is a gift

Lori loved the picture of the yellow cactus flower. it is beautiful!!! I too had a cactus that bloomed without warning this month. It truly is a sweet gift.

Amy, I must say that for years I too prayers for insignificant things and nearly each prayer was answered. My most important and urgent prayer was answered with a: "I am sorry but He was with you all these years and has had joy and success and now I want him Home" It is still so hard to have had to give back that gift.

Trudi Glad to see Micheal today when I signed on I understand about nowhere is easy these days

Dee As usual your compassion and wisdom touched my spirit

It is Sat and the sun is shinning. The annual "Little League " parade just passed my window Little guys in their baseball uniforms and bagpipes playing. How I remember and miss the days.

Must be out and get some things done

Have a Blessed Day

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

Lori - My internet wouldn't connect to the link. I'll try again later.

The signs I've received from Stephanie mean more to me now than they did then. Then they took my breath away and I shared them openly. They helped me get from one step to the next. Now, I am able to really see the wonder, beauty and sheer power of it all.

I did not ask, but received the answers and reasons behinds Steph's death within the first week. Those reasons meant very little in the face of my pain. Now, I find comfort in them.

Newer parents...be patient with yourselves and be gentle.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Trudi, I am sorry that your Sweet Friend has left this plane, sorry for all those who will miss him, and I wish him speed on his journey to his new home. I know the hills do not offer you the solace that the sea does, and so I wish you some peace in knowing that you are helping set one free.

Lori, I love the blooming cactus photo, how beautiful and fresh, like Kailey. We love those signs and they are all about us, at first we might miss some thinking that it is simply a bird, a flower, an owl call, but sometimes we think hmmm, was that for me to see? And if we are caught in that moment thinking that, it probably was for you directed by the love of our Babies.

Lorri, any racing going on?

Betty, how cool that there is a parade to kick off Little League. I so miss those days, I loved my kids being in baseball, loved those Saturday games and those chilly practices, the sense my children had of belonging to a group and we parents did too. Loved it. Eri played until she was 13. Jon too, I should have made sure they both stayed on teams of some sort, so good for them, but then I didn't and there is no going back. I do think that the years of baseball however, helped them both in innumerable ways. And now at 29, Jon is still playing, resumed when he was in his mid-20's. Betty, how is your Sis?

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I am so sorry about your cousin's family and the loss of their son. Where in Montana, do they live? Are you going to the funeral? Flying? Driving? Maybe we could find a way to get together for coffee. I live smack dab in the middle of Wyoming. I would definitely put forth the effort to get to meet you if you are passing through our state.

[westleysmom]

Susannah-They live in Bozeman MT. His middle name was Wesley (no "t"). I can't go to the services, but I believe two of her sisters are going out and one is staying for a week. I know its not long enough, but I'm sure she appreciates it. I would have loved to go, but can't work it out. It would have been so great to meet you. My husband was jealous I believe when they moved out there, he loves the wide open spaces of the west and midwest. Anywhere actually! Her son had an 18 month old child, also named Wesley (no "t"), so it is very sad. If my granddaughter is any indication, he will not remember his daddy for long.

Thank you all for your kind words. I didn't fall apart when my Mama told me about it, but since then I have just felt "inside" myself, like I don't want to talk much, just think a lot. Brendan's Daddy, (sorry I can't say your name) I read what you had to say about your faith, and that is the kind of faith I wanted to have, thought I did have. I'm trying to get it back. But since hearing that my cousin is going through losing a child too, it has made me think. What would I be feeling for her right now if Westley had not died? Would it be different? I don't hold her responsible now, and I don't think I would have before, but somehow I hold myself responsible for what happened to Westley. I don't understand myself and what I'm feeling these days, but I have been so busy at work that I haven't cried during the day. I know you all had been talking about the "dry" times lately and I guess I'm having one now. Maybe my first extended one, and it feels odd and uncomfortable to still be so sad inside and not show it at all, even to me. I know I'm rambling, but just needed to see if any of you have had days/weeks like this. I guess I'm trying to solve the puzzle of my feelings about what happened to me when Westley died. See, I still can cry some. I knew I still had some tears left. How can there always be more?

Well, today is visiting day again and I'll be going to the workhouse later. We're having storms here today, hope your weather is pretty and you have a few minutes peace.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - Bozeman is 6 1/2 hours from us. Gary goes by the Montana border once a week, so I thought if you were coming I'd hitch a ride with him. It occurs to me that a great vacation, for me, would be to take a summer or a month and drive to meet all my BI friends. Won't happen while the kids are so young. I went through one of those extended dry times and it worried me. I think it's just the pain is so intense and finally we wake up to the monstor and say "Oh, it's you again". It's not that we aren't grieving, it's that we're grieving in the deepest part of our soul and we're tired - we're beat up.

I feel like I've turned a corner in grief. I'll always miss my Stephanie, but I'm ready to live again. Not for her, not for her children, not for my husband, but for myself.

Hang on...it does get better.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

Lorri, any racing going on?

NO WE ARE OFF TONIGHT...SO WERE GRILLING STEAKS AND WATCHING NASCAR KODYS EXCEITED THEY ARE IN TEXAS THIS WEEKEND...WE DIDNT GO THIS YR BUT MAYBE WE WILL HAVE PIT PASSES AGAIN IN JUNE..

[ericasmom]

It is beautiful here right now, sunny though hazy, and in the mid 60's which to me is perfection. The daffodils are up, one tulip is opening today, the siberian squill and some other tiny purple/blues. The bluebells are growing and all is looking and feeling like Spring. I love it.

Peace to All,

dee

[lolynbo]

Says she talks to angels

They call her out by her name

Oh yeah, she talks to angels

Says they call her out by her name

She keeps a lock of hair in her pocket

She wears a cross around her neck

[charsng1234]

its saturday the day i found out shane was gone. I try to be positive just can not do it been in bed all day i dont want to talk to no one. I used to love to be around people, laugh and enjoy life,, Now what is this new life?? I hate it so sad with out my son no future my heart says give up my mind says fight. So confused i miss him so much, he had a beautiful laugh a funny smile what can i do now?? This is a sad horrible place i am in all I can think about his him. I just want to sleep forever and not have to deal with this anymore. shanes mom.

[ericasmom]

Sharon, the day of the week that represents the day of our Child leaving is tough for some time. For me it was Tuesday that was toughest, because that was the day Eri's car was struck, but she died six days later on a Monday. Weeks tick past and one wonders how indeed am I still here? and Why? But we are, we just are, we are supposed to be and along the way you will find out what you are to do with this life left to you. I am holding you tight but I know that that is not enough, we all are holding you adn that is not enough...we will be here later on adn tomorrow and each day when you need, you just keep on telling us how you are doing, keep on 'keepin' on, and while it is not a good life right now, it will be again one day.

I wish you some sort of goodness in the days,

dee

PS Lorri, is that a poem you wrote, words from a song...?

[shorty16]

Sharon – Thursday was our day; the day Brian took his last breath. Also, the 19th of the month was also very tough. But these will become softer with work. Hang in there g/f.

Dee – You are right!!! The afternoon was very nice after the sun broke through the clouds. Tomorrow is suppose to be even better. Have a good weekend my friend.

Lorri – Hope Kody has a fun time in Texas. Nice and warm down there. Thinking of you my friend. We talked about Kourtney's Kloset today with my MIL.

Sus – Living for ourselves is what it is all about. It takes a while to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but after my family started healing, we started appreciating our time together. Now I know what I want to live for.

Tony – The sightings of the red-tailed hawks is really something. It is wonderful that you have found a friend nearby that also lost a child and you two can talk. Finding friends that “know” is really a great advantage on this road of grief. Sending my prayers to you, Michele and Jackson.

Rhonda – So sorry to hear there is another member of this club that no-one wants to belong to. I know when I hear of others in my area, I have a hard time. Some I contact, because I feel I can help them try to understand what is happening to their body, mind and spirit. We really do help each other – don’t we!?!

Trudi – How is our student doing? I hope you still enjoy it. I always enjoyed the writing. For some reason it came easy to me. Hope the seashore provides a softness to your days that you deserve. Do you see many birds at the sea-shore? Have you ever seen a black swan in the wild?

Betty – Little league, I agree. I miss those days also. Never knew then that I would miss them so much. Our kids only played baseball for a couple years – soccer was the thing for us.

Lori – Your posts are so positive for a loss so young. I wanted you to know that your attitude is what is going to make this grief journey worth living. You have other children also – how are they doing with this double loss? My son was very angry and destroyed other people property for a while. He is much better now, but the beginning was tough. Take care my friend. So glad you have found us, but sad for the reason, my friend.

Amy – What a post you had with your boss praying to find her scarf. She sounds a bit shallow. Hope other aspects of your job are doing good. Is your job pretty stable? It does sound like they depend upon you and they do not have a back-up for your position. How is weather by you? Warmer than us, I hope.

Sherry – my fellow bird person!!! I saw a woodcock fly from a small field next to my job in down-town Milwaukee. Of course I was alone. I have never seen a woodcock in the wild; therefore, I went home and added this bird to my life list. SOOO cool.

My friends, Scott and I finally saw a rugby game. WOW – this game is really fun – keeps moving. Unlike football that stops every 5 seconds, rugby keeps moving. The ball is larger also so it is easy to follow. Lots of pushing, passing backwards, running through groups of young men who want to stop you. Really fun. However, we lost – big time. 4-0. But that did not matter.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

Lorri – Hope Kody has a fun time in Texas. Nice and warm down there. Thinking of you my friend. We talked about Kourtney's Kloset today with my MIL.

VERY WARM HERE AS WELL JUST WINDY....I EVEN LAYED OUT TODAY WHILE MONTY CLEANED THE LEAVES OUT OF THE POOL...THANKS FOR SHARING KOURTNEYS KLOSET TODAY....HUGGS MY FRIEND

[crystalann]

Hello all, I have been keeping busy since my husband has been home. Went to the Peppermill casino last night was out till four this morning.Got lots of signs I think were Tyler.First our room number was T1811 made me cry at the desk.Then some of his favorite songs all over the casino.We all went swimming in the light snow was relaxing.Then went to the arcade with Chelsea and almost all the numbers on the games were 32 Tyler's race number.It was like he was saying have a great time mom. It was still hard to keep the tears back.So gonna try kareoke with Tiffany tonight might be out till four again.Trying so hard to have fun without guilt. I am so behind on reading sorry! I see new names I am so sorry for your loss! Love to all Crystal

[ericasmom]

Col, I don't think that i have ever seen a woodcock, but will look them up and watch for them. I am so glad to see how strong your sense of life is these days Colleen. Warms my heart.

Lorri, I am glad that the warming trend finds you outside and enjoying the weather. Hugs.

Karen, I hope that you are out there and doing okay, thinking of you.

Leah, keeping up the good fight?

Crystal, I am glad that you are having some fun, I know that the hurting is right there, just there under a blink or a movement, a song, but it is good to be out there letting the signals and signs come as they will. I hope that you sing and dance to all hours.

Rhonda, the visit went well I trust? I think it so wonderfully giving of you to do this. I am picturing this as difficult and yet so good for your Son's friend and hopefully, good for you too.

Going to bed now, hoping everyone has a good solid sleep-

[kmb22]

Edit

[briansdad]

Any one who ordered stickers I have my production snag fixed and I'll be shipping next week

[Guest msnher]

Karen - Just an idea, but you can block anyone you want from posting on Shawns' wall...if it's the one you started. A word of caution about taking this fight to facebook. I've tried that a few times and it didn't turn out well...for me. The negative energy I began when I hit "post" smothered me. I felt better after I deleted the posts. You and I are both very sensitive and not so good at protecting ourselves from other people's "stuff". I certainly understand you wanting to put "her" in "her" place and let everyone know what a fraud she is. But, don't you think others already see that? Is she really fooling anybody? Is she getting away with anything? The anger I had towards Tina - the woman who tortured my grandchildren - still emerges now and then and I have a great desire to expose her. Only, every attempt has failed. During those times I have tunnel vision and think everyone is going to think she's this wonderful person when she isn't and she barely got a slap on the hand and she did unspeakable things to my grandchildren and she's laughing at us and my daughter's dead. and on and on I go...

Accepting the unacceptable is perhaps the hardest thing I've ever been asked to do on this side of life. Not confusing accepting with approval. I became so bitter. I hardly recognized the woman in the mirror anymore. I hated God first, Tina second, Kevin (Stephanie's ex) third, and then the weather and then the earthquakes and then....I went to bed.

I'm not trying to preach to you, my friend. I just know you and I are more alike than we are different and, I know the warfare that our minds can play on us. I don't expect you to "love your enemies".....Just suggesting a word of caution about taking this "fight" further. Not for her sake, but for yours. You already are like a magnet attracting everyone elses garbage (and gifts) to you....do this and you will be a super magnet sending an invitation for all the ugly, dishonest vibes to attack. So, if you choose to expose her...which it seems like she's already done a good job of exposing herself, protect yourself spiritually - literally.

With love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Karen - I sent you a pm

[Brendan's Daddy]

Karen,

I am so sorry that you have to deal with something like that on top of everything else. I do agree with Susannah regarding the facebook problem. People can be so cruel. They have non idea the pain you are in.

Good morning everybody. I had an interesting day yesterday. I played in my first softball tournament since we lost Brendan. I knew this would be hard, but Brendan was at most of my games. He was our bat boy and our number one fan. I went to to a park where Brendan was with me just last fall and summer. It was so hard to play without him. I honestly felt like he was with me yesterday. Every ball I hit went to the right spot, hit every hole in the infield. Then when I was starting to fall apart before our third game I look up and see a Red Tail Hawk soaring over the field. It was there for around 15 or 20 minutes. I know Brendan was with me yesterday. I know he was watching over me. Lord I miss you so much. Watching some of the other dads and their kids. I saw one dad open his car door and smoke poured out of the car. Then he pulled his son out of the backseat. The kid must have been inhaling so much second hand smoke in that car. It just makes me wonder why God took my son. We had everything and it was taken away. I just don't understand.

[westleysmom]

Dee-It was driving me crazy, so I looked up Lorri's words. Its The Black Crowes She Talks to Angels. The visit went well, there were finally other visitors his own age, which I'm sure he enjoyed. There was a guy sitting there whose "company" never showed up and I asked CJ what happened and he said the guys wife had to work a double shift and couldn't make it. i felt sorry for him and told CJ to tell him hi, but I don't think you're allowed to visit with people if you're not registered to visit them. And if his wife showed up, I might have gotten beat up! Ha ha, just kidding. He only has a couple more weeks, and was pretty upbeat, although he said there are some people in there hard to get along with. Welcome to adulthood, huh? They're everywhere, aren't they? But he said he was trying to keep to himself and read and stay out of trouble. I hope it works.

Colleen-I know that you and everybody else here has helped me so much. I just sent a card to my cousin, but I may write her and tell her about the site in a few weeks. She may try to come home and see her Daddy since he was not well enough to travel there to the services. I hope I get to see her when she does. Rugby sounds great for a football lover. The season is spring/summer? Don't care for baseball, so there's usually nothing to watch this time of year.

Karen-So sorry for the Facebook Follies. I don't know anything about those sites, because I've never tried them. I'm sorry for the pain that this girl and her mom are causing you and everyone who loves Shawn. I haven't any advice. I just wanted to let you know i"m thinking of you.

Today we're headed to a campground where my in-laws are camping. FILs birthday was yesterday, celebrating today. Will have my Granddaughter with me to play on the swings and such, its very warm here again today. Thinking of you all and hoping that something good happens to you today.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo's, to all our newbies, I am sorry for the reason that you are here. You have found a very supportive community here at BI aka Grieving.com. The people here truly understand, always have our hearts and ears and in our case, eyes open to offer support, to listen or to read along with you on this path. My name is Betsy and my son, Rich, died January 18,2009 . He was and will always be 20 years young.

I returned from yet another family funeral. My SIL died last week and though I wasn't able to see her before her death, I was able to stand by my brothers side and though in the shadows, as it should have been, visit a couple of places with my sils's children,grandchildren and 2 sisters, places Laura would have wanted to take them. 7 grandchildren were present, 3 of 4 daughters, and two children celebrated birthdays while in FL. 2 daughters drove from South Dakota with 5 children in tow! They love their momma .

I stated taking pictures,well, more pictures, after Rich died. I think it helped me gain perspective on my new world. Rich has a sister, Sarah,that lives not far from me in NJ.

You were all with me in St Augustine,on the beach. With the sun glare the pictures were a bit of a guess, so look close .

My brother Robert. Pointing to the ST Johns River, Mandarin FL. If only the answers were out there.

A park along the St johns River. We had a small picnic here as part as memories of Laura.

St Augustine Beach

Laura's grandchildren feeding the seagulls.

[crystalann]

So these words keep popping in my head with a tune. I have never heard them before last week. Here goes......

I dont want to feel this pain anymore

I just want to know for sure

That you really made it safe

All the way to heaven's gate.

If any of you have heard this or read it some where will you let me know!Maybe it is something I have heard and dont remember.Maybe it is something my mind made up. I dont know. Crystal

[rlolheiser]

Dee, I am trying to keep up a good fight, just forgetting what to fight for. Sure glad I have this place to share words and feelings.. thank you

Latest fight is with JaBoa's mom again, she wants to buy some property from us and put a trailer on it for her and the boyfriend. My husband told her ok, and I told them both that if the boyfriend ever comes out here, I leave with my son. They both think I am crazy and unforgiving, maybe I am... I don't know.. I don't spend my time hating him.. it takes to much effort.. I just don't plan to make it easy for him to make my life or my son's life hell. I can't get the words out of my mind, I will kill your mom and Raymond (my son) if you leave me. Everybody thinks I am the bad person in this... makes me think of leaving with my son... let everybody have each other... My only care is this little boy that I have had for the last 7 1/2 years.. I would die for him.. I would have died for JaBoa.. Even mom is pushing me to let it go.. but I can't...

It has been raining here for the last few days... I hate the mud.. got about 5 miles of dirt road to get to town.. yuck

I am in so awe of our family here at Indigo, that includes all the new people who are reaching out.. how proud our angels are watching over us.. I really do believe that

hugs to all

[Guest msnher]

Karen - Since I wrote to you openly, I wanted to apologize openly. I need to practice better restraint when it comes to posting my gut feelings so openly. Actually, I DO practice restraint more than you all know...about kills me. Anyway, I wish I had been more validating instead of preaching. My heart to you my friend!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

It is over 80 here today, windy and quite warm and wonderful. I was working in the yard some with husband, but needed to come in for a bit. I get dizzy in the sun, need my sunhat. We are supposed to get some wild storms later on, so hold on to our hats when that comes.

Thanks for sharing the photos Betsy, Laura's grandkids are sweet looking children and your Brother is a friendly looking man. I am sure that your being there was extremely dear to him. I am sorry for this newest loss in your family.

Love to all,

dee

PS Tony, Brenden was there I am sure, that was a beautiful retelling of your day, thanks for sharing. I know how deeply it aches, but how dear the messages were as well.

[charsng1234]

thanks Dee I just hate these weekends so much all I do is cry I miss him I still can't believe shane is gone. I pray everynight before I fall asleep I ask GOD to take me in my sleep. I feel bad for my other kids but shane was so different he was also so hard on himself He thought i was disappointent in him. I would tell him never How can this happen to good people? All i asked for was to take me before my kids I am having a hard time dealing with this. I just want him back..