Loss of an Adult Child

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Tony, I'm so sorry for your loss. Brenden sounds like a very special boy. Our children are our heart and soul, without them we feel dead inside. We are missing a huge part of ourselves. It's hard to pick up the pieces of what's left of our lives and try to make since out of what happen. My faith in god was shattered when my girls died. I loss two daughters 8 weeks ago. My Daughter Vanessa was a beautiful, talented, loving girl. She was my buddy, sidekick, best friend and everything all rolled into one. Our relationship was much like the one between Brenden and you. My daughter Kailey had special needs, her heart couldn't handle the death of her sister and it stopped beating three days after Vanessa died. This is the hardest thing I have ever been through, just like you and everyone else who has come to this forum. We all understand the grief of losing a child. To help cope with my losses, I've gone to local support groups in my area, talked to a grief counselor, joined an on-line bereavement chat room and then found my way here. This is were I have stayed, reading everyone's posts, writing about my girls and getting to know and understand everyone here has helped me. I hope it will help you. How is your wife doing?

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dee Your celebration of lovely Erica's Birthday sounded perfect .From your young students making pink decorations for her tree to the others who remembered and brought pink flowers and decorations the day seemed to unfold with grace and dignity. I am happy for you

Carol and Ralph Oh my I am so very happy that the news about Ralph's health was positive I know how frightening waiting can be Prayers of Thanksgiving at St Pats on the way Usually I do light my candles and do my mediations at the local parish church but I will be uptown tomorrow and St Pats is calling out for candles again.

Crystal what a special idea that Scott had. Having a memorial service for your lovely daughter, Ashley at Sanible Island. The flowers and pictures were lovely I use to spend many winters on Sanible island . It is a a lovely place and I always enjoyed the Ding Darling Nature walks there.

Dear Sherry I am glad you are climbing out of that black hole you found yourself in Loved that you and Hubby took a small drive and had a Snack The simplest things can really make a huge difference. You work so hard and are so caring to each of us here I want to just embrace you will the warmth you share

Sus speaking of little things making a difference Just look at all you accomplished yesterday and as you were relaxing feeling energized grief came upon you oh so quickly without a warning and you were able to feel it verbalize it and come here to family and share it What a wonderful gift this Indigo Family is.

Sonya It warmed my heart to see Danielle's sweet beautiful face today Glad you stopped in.

Lorri I feel truly Blessed to have read your story of The Promise. It was beautifully written and truly touching.

Amy Loved seeing your sweet Ashlee's picture today as well

Crystal Megs mom glad you have found us and feel supported and welcomed

Leah, Diane, Tony in my thoughts Please keep bringing your memories here It realy helps

I pray all Indigos have s day that has some sunshine and sweet memories

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

I think today will be a writing day. I haven't had one of those in a long time. I might be repeating myself right now so I'll apologize in advance.

This month marks two years since my sister, Dessie, died. She was 52 yrs old. Two years my senior. Growing up we could pass for twins. People often confused one for the other. She died on a Sunday. 16 months later Stephanie died on a Sunday. Stephanie died on Dessie's birthday.

Dee - I sent you a private message.

Today the wind and the temp are supposed to be the same...in the 50's.

Later,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Three years. Dessie's been gone three years.

[Guest msnher]

Front page of Today's paper, in big, bold letters.

"Wake-up call. Wildlife officials urge caution as bears emerge from hibernation"

I love Wyoming.

[Brendan's Daddy]

I am so sorry to hear about all of the loss and heartbreak you have all felt. I just want to thank you for responding to my post yesterday. I have been searching for a site like this for quite some time and I am relieved to have finally found it. Many of you helped me make it through the day yesterday when I had my doubts. I know I am not alone in my grief and I know that many of you out there have found a way to live again. I can't wait to tell you more about my precious Brendan and I can't wait to read about the children you lost. I hope that some day I will be able to help people on this site the way you helped me yesterday.

Brendan's Daddy

[Crystal Rogerson]

Lori - When I first saw the angeldates of your girls I thought I was mistaken, I can't even imagine the pain you are in. It's like the rest of us times 2. Your strength is a ray of hope for all of us. Peace to you.

This is kind of a long story but one that I have told very few, but I feel I can share it with you here and hopefully start moving forward after doing so...Seven years ago I lived in the city working 3 jobs, going to school and raising my two girls. Their dad and I had been divorced for quite awhile. He lived in the small town they had grown up in. The girls were on spring break visiting him in the small town they had been raised in. I called to talk to the girls and got no answer. Rushing out the door to work, I thought I will just call when I get home tonight. I had to work a double so it was too late to call and tried again the next morning, still getting no answer. I thought maybe they had gone camping or something so I wasn't too concerned. I got a phone call from my youngest daughter, Sunny (13 at the time) and she said that Meg had been hit by a car. I asked if she was ok and she said she didn't know because her dad wouldn't tell her anything. She said she would have him call me. When he did call me, I didn't even recognize his voice. I'm thinking that she was riding her bike and the car hit her, and she might have a broken arm or something. He said, "No it's serious, get here as soon as you can". I drove the 3 hours with my mind racing, as he wouldn't really go into detail about what was going on.

Meg had called her dad's from her friend's house (4 blocks away from her dad's) saying that she was on her way home. He asked if she wanted him to come pick her up, she said "no, it's only 4 blocks...I will walk". He fell asleep on the couch and when he woke up at 1:00 in the morning, she still wasn't home. He went out looking for her. At 6:00 the next morning, a newspaper carrier found her in the ditch. She had been hit by a drunk driver, knocked 174 feet out of her tennis shoes, knocked out a mailbox post with her head and landed in the ditch. She had a broken femur, a broken neck, and swelling on the brain. When I got there...they had shaved her beautiful hair and there was a bolt, as big around as my thumb, sticking out the top of her head with wires connected to it, each one leading to a different monitor. She was leaking spinal and cerebral fluid from her nose. They said we couldn't touch her or talk to her because her brain waves would start going crazy and increase the swelling on her brain.

Do you know how hard it is to see your child lying in that kind of shape and not be able to scoop them up in your arms and whisper to them that you will kiss it and make it better? She had to have 2 blood transfusions and 3 brain surgeries. She lasted 8 days in a coma. During the final surgery, in which they were removing two sections of her skull to relive the preassure, she passed away. Her dad was able to watch on closed screen tv the whole procedure...he said that Meg had two tears that ran down her face as she was leaving. He said those two tears would haunt him the rest of his life, because he didn't know if she was saying "I'm hurting and let me go" or if she was saying "I'm still in here, and don't give up on me!". He and I took turns of "getting out" and this was my turn... I was putting gas in my car and he called to tell me that she had died...I walked in the store to pay and there was a little girl in line in front of me flitting around. She looked at me and asked my name and I told her Crystal and knelt down to ask her her name she said it was Angel. I said "Oh I could really use an angel right now" and she said, pointing at Megs picture...."Your angel is right there". I couldn't remember how to spell my name to fill out the credit card slip.

The man who killed her was turned in via annomous tip 4 days after he hit her. He was originally charged with leaving the sceane of an accident, hit and run, vehicular assault. He bonded out and ran from the cops. When they caught up to him, Meg had passed so the charges were now vehicular homicide and fleeing to avoid prosecution...which were added to the previous charges. When he went to trial, he first said that "It wasn't him"...the said"I knew I hit something but I drove around the block and didn't see anything"...then he said "I think she was trying to commit suicide because she was walking in the middle of the street" (at which point my ex husband leapt across the bench trying to get at him, and was charged with contempt of court. They know Meg wasn't in the middle of the street from where her shoes were, on the sidewalk.

The man that killed her was sentenced to 12 1/2 years in jail and served less than 4.

The girls dad passed away in November from a blood clot in his lung. He was 48 years old. I am jealous of him because he is with Meg now. I still have my youngest daughter, but she moved back to our original state, is going to college, married and has a little girl of her own that will be 1 in May. I'm a grandma at the ripe age of 42.

I have thought about and even attempted to end this life, but now I have to trudge ahead for my other daughter and my granddaughter.

I am sorry for taking up so much time and space on here, but I had to get that out. It sits inside me and festers.

I hope I will be more upbeat for the rest of you on my next check in.

Love and Light

Meg's Mom

I am so sorry to hear about all of the loss and heartbreak you have all felt. I just want to thank you for responding to my post yesterday. I have been searching for a site like this for quite some time and I am relieved to have finally found it. Many of you helped me make it through the day yesterday when I had my doubts. I know I am not alone in my grief and I know that many of you out there have found a way to live again. I can't wait to tell you more about my precious Brendan and I can't wait to read about the children you lost. I hope that some day I will be able to help people on this site the way you helped me yesterday.

Brendan's Daddy

[ericasmom]

Tony, I am aching for you as you try to find ways to live again, but I also celebrate your efforts in finding us. HOw great your Son finds you, still his hero, always his hero, just as he will always be your best buddy, shadow. The kind of loss was so tragic, and the pain now is the shock of Brenden's death wearing away. That layer of shock that you may no thave been aware of. Believe it or not, there are several layers protecting you and while you don't feel protected, there will be more layers to shed. We will help you through those as well. When I came here it was after most of the shock of my Daughter's death had worn away, leaving me exposed and raw. Erica was struck by an Amtrak, her car was, at a broken crossing in Kalamazoo Michigan. The crossing was broken for 11 months reported, but nobody did anything to fix it, there was a wasp nest in the fuse box, that is how long it had been out, and all it needed was a new fuse. I often wonder if someone went to change it when they were told it was out, but saw the wasps and decided to say they fixed it when in fact didn't. I don't know if that is what happened, all I know is it was a small cost to fix something that has resulted in the biggest cost a parent can have. A burned out fuse. A four dollar fix. Anyhow, yesterday was her birthday, she would be 27, but died 7.5 years ago at age 19. I miss her everyday, but I promise you something, the horrid ache that you now feel will make way for a softer time in the future, not right away, but one day. Everyone here can promise you that. In the meantime, keep allowing your emotions, to deny them makes this road much more difficult. Let people know if they ask that you are down, that you hurt, that you are not quite the same man you used to be. We change by the birth of our Babies, of course we are changed by their death. Allow the changes and talk to your Sweetie Boy, he is listening. I hope that your wife and you find ways to grieve together, though no two people grieve the same way or on the same timetable, but try to stay respectful of one anothers process. Give your little Guy a hug from us, missing his Big Bro so dearly. He will need some assistance too, books and maybe family therapist that has dealt with mourning and grief.

My hope to you.

Betty, thanks so much, it was a good day, one that I think made Erz smile.

Sherry, hope that the sun we are having today is making its way to you and cheering you. I know those black spots and I walk alongside you as you have me.

Leah, gosh I hpe that the hospital times end and that the weather clears, your daughter gets a job, and you can have time with your Grandboy and Son.

Sony, so good to see you, thanks for your wishes.

Sharon, Diane, Carrie, Meg, Pam, how goes it today? Glad Diane that you and husband went out a bit, getting away and feeling safe at the same time, big steps.

Sus, my what big things you accomplished yesterday. Prayers for Dessie.

Betsy, may you feel the warmth of all those you love driving along with you to Florida. thanks for the good music from mr. paul simon, it was a delight added to my day. Prayers.

Lori, the PROMISE was a beautifully written piece, I cried as I read it, wishing I could make it come out differently...Lord help Lori's heart find the padding it needs to house two great Daughters in the midst of so many tears.

May the sun shine brightly on your homes today, your hearts too, which is home to your Little Ones.

[Brendan's Daddy]

Dear Susannah/Stephanie's mom,

I was amazed yesterday when I read your message to me. The things you said about my little one Jackson were right on the money. Jackson has been telling us since Brendan died that he talks to Brendan in his dreams. He has told us things that he could not have possibly made up. One night my wife was putting Jackson to bed and he said to her. "Mommy do you know its summer time in Heaven right now?" This was in December in Wisconsin. My wife said no I did not know that. How do you know its summer time in Heaven? Jackson then said "Brendan told me it was summer right now and that he could go swimming". My wife asked him when he talked to Brendan and Jackson said that he talked to him while he was sleeping. The next thing Jackson said blew our mind. He said "Mommy, do you know its always sunny in Heaven?".

Jackson from time to time still tells us he talks to Brendan in his dreams. He has not said anything quite as profound as those first few comments, but he still does talk to him. I hope and pray every night that Brendan talks to Jackson again. I have been lucky enough to have two dreams about my Brendan since we lost him. The first dream was nice. I saw him standing outside the dugout at our softball field. I was running in from the outfield and I saw him standing there. I ran to him and hugged him. I told him how much I loved him and how much I missed him. I hugged him as if I knew he was gone and he hugged me back as if he knew he was gone as well. He said something to me, but I just can't remember what it was. I woke up and just could not remember what he had said. I am hoping he said. Daddy I am happy and safe in Heaven and we will be together again someday.

My second dream was only around a week ago. This one was different. This time we were at our home and I was playing with him tickling him and making him laugh. This time I was rejoicing because I thought that I had my Brendan back. I did not know he was gone. I kept telling my brother who was in the dream "I told you I told you he was coming back. I knew Brendan couldn't be dead". I remember asking my brother if this was a dream or if this was real. My brother did not answer. I asked my brother if he could see Brendan and he said he could, but he was not as happy as I was. It felt so real. I really thought I had him back. Then my eyes opened up and I was laying in bed. I knew immediately that it was a dream and that my Brendan really was still gone. I pray that these are real visits from my Brendan and not just dreams from my mind. I was so happy to have that dream, but so down when I realized it was only a dream and he was still gone.

Tony - Brendan's Daddy

[ericasmom]

Meg's Mom, I called you Meg in my last post, sorry Crystal, and you and I posted at the same time. The post i just read had me crying and shaking my head yes, when you asked if we knew what it was like to see your Child wired up iwth a bolt sticking out of their head. Eri's head was wired up too, brain injury as well, and broken neck, jaw, and collarbone. But she looked so like Eri, stiches over her eyebrow, but not a lot of outward injuries, the fatal stuff was all inside. The trauma doc equated ERi's brain stem injury like spaghetti when it is dry and you slam it on the counter, shattered.

I am so sorry that your Girl was struck by that driver who lied and lied to try to save himself the time in jail. Little Meg is free now, hanging out with our Kids, she sounds so much like Eri to me that i kind of picture her laughing up a storm with Eri. Prayers for your heart, and for the Daughter and Grandgirl in your life.

Oh forgot to say to Crystal, mom of Ashlee, that I love the photo of you and the kids and i love the story of the flowers and the kindness shown by your Guy. NiCE!

[daniellemom]

Diane and Pam - I would enjoy meeting you for lunch one day. Let me know when and where and I will be there.

Thanks everyone who welcomed me back. I have really missed you all and I'm glad that you have not forgotten about me. I hope to catch up now and start posting again.

To all the new parents here. Welcome to the place that noboby ever wants to join but the people that post here are wonderful, loving parents that saved my life and now they are like family. They have words of wisdom that will lead you on the path that you will one day find yourself a new person, who walks daily with their child and still has a life here with their families and friends. New friends sometimes for those old friends that can't seem to help us on our new journey.

Love to all!

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[shorty16]

Tony

I am from Wisconsin also, Menomonee Falls - In what area of WI do you live (if you do not mind me asking?)

Not to many of us Cheese-heads on this site.

Also, Jackson's discussions with Brendan are amazing. I have heard this many times before how the very young siblings talk to our babies in heaven.

HOW COOL - I have not had a dream about Brian since he died. I think I am just too clogged up.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Brendan's Daddy]

Colleen,

Menomonee Falls is extremely close to me. I actually live in West Bend. We live in the Slinger school district, however our address is West Bend.

[Guest msnher]

Tony - Hold Jackson's dreams and visits close to your hearts, they will help you through. The pain is too intense in you and/or your wife right now for Brendan to get through to either of you, but I'm sure he'll keep trying.

Crystal (Meg's mom) - How horrible for you all. The only comfort I can find in your story is that Meg and her daddy are together. I'm glad they caught the guy who hit her. I understand you trying to end your time on this side of life. I don't blame you one bit. I'm glad you have decided to live for your daughter and grandbaby...even if it's only out of obligation instead of desire. The long, dark night of the soul. Haven't most of us been there. I hope that by you coming here and sharing that some light will begin to flicker on those spaces weighed down with sorrow.

Peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[PaulsMom]

Today is 6 weeks since I lost my son. He chose to kill himself when he could not handle the pain of losing his own son, my grandson, Aaron. Aaron was born at 24 weeks and weighed 1 pound 8 ounces. He lived almost two months.

I have a son who lives in Germany with his girlfriend. His name is Matt and he is 34. They have a son, my grandson, Isaiah, who is 28 months old.

My son, Paul, was 27 years and 3 days old when he died. I miss him every second. It seems my pain is worse as time goes on. Maybe it's because the shock and numbness are going away and I am slipping into the reality of it all. The weight of the sadness is physically heavy. My legs don't want to support me most days. It hurts to breathe. I'm beginning to resent those around me who laugh and live and love while I am slowly dying and they don't seem to notice.

Today I had a co-worker tell me, "I know it's hard." I said, "Do you?" She has both her children with her. They are happy, healthy and alive. I feel the anger creeping up inside of me and I can't stop it. I am angry that the world is still spinning and for everyone else, life goes on. My world stopped on February 23rd. I am angry that my son selected a path that threw me into the exact pain that he could not, would not face, the loss of a child.

I am living breath to breath right now. I cry constantly. I don't want to go to sleep or get up. I don't want to eat. I know I am not taking care of myself and I don't care. When my friend Shelia tells me I need to take care of myself I think, Why? I haven't asked Why me? or Why him? The thought that is constantly in my head is "I don't want to do this."

I had a very terrible childhood and when I found out I was pregnant at 15, I almost gave up Matt for adoption because I was afraid I would not be able to break the cycle. When I saw him, all slimy and wiggly, I knew I would be able to break the cycle and give my child the love I didn't receive. My whole reason for living was for my boys. I made sure they were happy, knew they were loved and above all else, that they were safe. How could it have all gone so wrong so fast? They were my redemption. They made all I had gone through worth it. They loved me, unconditionally. How could one of them leave?

Another word that is constantly playing in my head is Never. I will never see his smile again, hear his voice, his laugh, his face, feel his arms around me, ever again.

I believe in God. My faith is taking a huge hit right now. God has a plan, God needed him, etc. It infuriates me to think that.

Shelia tells me it takes time, nothing else will heal me. So, I am 6 weeks into my life sentence.

Thanks for reading.

[westleysmom]

Paul's Mom-I'm so sorry for your loss. When someone tells me they know its hard, and they haven't been through this, its not that they're wrong, its that they don't know. It is hard, but they have no idea how hard and when they say it as if they have experienced something they have not, it makes me angry too. Some days everything makes me angry. You have lost not only your son, but your grandchild. The parts of us that are supposed to live beyond us are gone and we're left, barely breathing. I'm not being very uplifting I know. My faith has been shaken to its apparently puny roots since my son Westley died last January, in his sleep at a friend's house. I haven't quit asking why since that day, and I don't guess I ever will. Somebody on here said that even if God himself stood before her and told her exactly why, it wouldn't be good enough, and I think that's probably true for me too. I cannot imagine why we are here and our co-workers are texting their kids away at school and getting happy phone calls about wedding plans and new jobs. I think the plan sucks right now, whatever it is and whoever's making it. But, I know too that as bad as it is, being here among people who do know and do understand even though they don't know why either has been a great support for me since I found this site and the wonderful people here last summer. If not for them, I would be mad as a hatter. They are some of the most caring and loving people that you would ever want to be your friends and help you through this sorrow that we all share. I hope you will keep coming back and share Paul with us and that it will help you as it has me.Peace and hugs to you friend

[ericasmom]

Eryn, 6 weeks is both forever without your child and brand new without your child. I am sorry for both views and understand them both. Nothing in the world can prepare a parent for this loss, nothing. All of us here support you as you try to find ways in which to live a different life now. I can only say what I have said to all that join us, it will indeed take time and also effort to find your way. The energy it takes just to get through a day at this point is huge, it is that shedding of shock that makes your legs feel heavy, your arms unwilling to move...I wrote many years ago when grief was newer, that I felt as though I had 8 coats on, slowing my steps, making it hard to put one foot in front of the other...but we do because we are still here. I am sorry that Sweet Paul's despair led him to end his life, how sad for all of you, how sad for Paul to have lost his Boy. And now the pieces of your heart must be put back together, it seems a ridiculous statement, as though that can be done, but it happens. Slowly, and with time and eventually with your positive steps forward, your heart will beat again, not as it once did, but new and changed. Right now, most of you who are so brand new to this pain are dealing with the physical pain and emotional anguish of loss. Later on, give it time, you will start taking little parts of your life back again, and new parts will also emerge. We are changed forever but we will not always feel as we do when grief is new. Promise. Hang on.

Kathy, meant to tell you that i was so glad that you spoke with your Dad. what good news.

Col and Tony, how nice that you live close to one another. Very cool. Tony, I do believe in the power of children to see and communicate with more ease than adults...hooray for the brothers communicating.

Goodnight everyone, somehow sleep and maybe a dream or a visit. Biggest difference to me is after a dream I am happy to have seen Eri, after a visit, I feel high all day long.

[aim630]

Paul's mom-My 23 yr old daughter died 2-9-10 from complications from pneumonia & H1N1. I remember about mid-March the shock started to wear off and the reality began to hit me. I hated everyone at work because they could laugh and joke about stupid things. My boss is very religious and told me this was God's plan & I just had to trust in it. I wanted to tell her, what if it was one of your kids? Would you still feel that way? She told me to pray to God to give me strength to get through this. I wanted to yell at her, What about all the people who prayed the 3 months Ashley was sick? It obviously didn't work. I was told by other family members when Ashley was sick that if I truly believed God would heal her, then he would. I did believe. I relaxed because Ashley was recovering, then bam, she dies suddenly of a blood clot. I felt like this for a long time. I am starting to recover some of my faith. I am grateful I got a chance to see Ashley's eyes open the last month of her life, and was able to talk to her (although she was not able to talk back due to the ventilator). It will get easier with time, but the pain never truly goes away. It has been 14 months for me. Even today, I was really irritated about some of the petty problems other people have at work. I wanted to say, Wanna trade??

Unfortunately, time is the only thing that will help. One day you will notice the sunshine, and the birds singing. You may be mad at first that the sun continues to shine while you are missing Paul so much, but one day you will feel the warmth of the sun & smile about some memory of Paul. It takes a lot of time. You just have to get through one minute at a time, then one hour, then one day...We all understand here, and you can say whatever you want, and no one will think bad of you. I've received a lot of comfort from the other parents here, and I hope you will too. I've laughed and cried while reading things posted here, and I feel like not only are we friends, but more like a family. I'm sorry you have to be here, but I hope you continue to read and post when you feel up to it.

Crystal (Meg's mom)-My heart broke while reading your story of Meg's last days. The little girl at the store was right, your angel was right there. I hope that talking about Meg with us here will help you in some way. I am 42 and have 5 (step) grandchildren. The oldest one is 7, so she's been calling me grandma since before I was 40. Being around them is bittersweet, since Ashley never got a chance to have her own children, but I do enjoy them all.

Hope everyone else is ok. One of Ashley's best friends from grade school said she is going to stop by in the next few days. She lives out of state now & I haven't seen her since Ashley was in the hospital. It will be difficult to see her. She was a good friend to Ashley.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[quellsmom]

Hello Indigo's. Time marches on, cruelly I think sometimes. My son Jaquell impacted so many in his short life and I just wanted to share some of these amazing things with you all. Some times I feel like I talk about him too much, so it does my heart well to know he is not forgotten. Today my daughter sent me a picture on facebook of his old high school tennis team new uniforms, they have JJ embroidered on the sleeve for Jaquell Jackson. I loved it !And she also posted a video another set of wrestling parents created in his honor. He was a captain on his wrestling team.

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[charsng1234]

I had a little breakdown at target today while waiting for my anxiety pills called my husband told him I was leaving town, he asked me were I was going and I told him I dont know.. Lucky he has more sense than me he kept me on the phone untill I calmed down. I seen a shrink today I think she will help me I hope anyway. So how is everyone else doing? I am sorry we have new people on here I know i wish I would not have to be here like all others on here. But am so grateful for all the love and support here. well to all BI friends I will be back again Thanks for ll the post read them all feel pain and a ray of light from all the posts.. Thanks all shanes mom sharon. Ohh I am a cheese head to grew up in superior wi.. Night...

[mikesmomrs]

Crystal, Megsmom: As I read your story of your precious daughter, Meg, my heart ached for you, and I could feel the pain coming through your words. I am so very sorry that this has happened and so very sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter. I don't know what it is like to see your child battered and put back together by doctors, and still lose that child...but I do know the pain of watching your child die, wishing you could pick them up and make everything go away--take their place even, as my son Mike died of brain cancer at the age of 31. He had two brain surgeries to remove the grapefruit sized tumor present, but there was nothing they could do about the cancer, and 17 months later, he left this earth. It is unbelievable that the man responsible for your Meg's death received such a small punishment, especially after he tried so hard to get out of even claiming responsibility. I am glad that you have found BI...you will find much support and understanding here. I know that it was painful for you to share the story of your Meg's passing, but I do hope that it brought you some comfort to be able to tell it to people who truly understand and "get it." Please come and share some of Meg's life with us, we would love to know more about her.

Eryn, Paul's mom and Aaron's grandma: I am so very sorry, also, for the loss of your son, Paul, and your grandson, Aaron...the freshness of your sorrow and the searing pain in your heart that you feel now is understood by all here...I am glad that you felt able to share your story with us... Many of us, like you, have had our faith shaken, and also many of us still ask why. And also the word "never" reverberates through our hearts in ways that all of us feel, as well...in this early stage of your grief, the sweet memories that you have of your Paul's life stab at your heart as reminders that there will be no new memories made and this makes it difficult to try to find comfort in those memories. There will come a day, in the future, when one of those memories will find its way to your heart and instead of piercing your soul with pain, you will find it warming your heart, even just a little. That is hard to believe now, but this will happen...it takes time, Eryn, and the time it takes is different for each of us. Please just know that we are here for you, those of us who have been on this journey for a long while and those of us new to this journey...we are here for each other, and we are here for you.

Quellsmom: thank you so much for sharing the beautiful memory of your son, Jaquell, and how sweet of your daughter to bring these memories to you. We here at BI never think someone "talks too much about" their child, and therefore we all feel safe coming here and telling the stories of the life of our child.

Sharon, I am sorry for your breakdown at the store today, but I am very glad that your husband was able to bring comfort to you enough to help you calm down.

Amy: Watched your Indians beat our Red Sox tonight...sad, sad, (for us, but not for you!). It seems as though the members of our team have forgotten how to play... My grandson, Damon, who is 6, was here today, and had on a Buffalo Bills football tshirt...when he got here and took off his coat, he said "Well, none of the kids at school today made fun of me for my tshirt...you know, the Bills didn't do so well this year." I told him the definition of a "fair weather fan" and he came and sat on my lap and he said he was glad that he and I are not "fair weather fans" for the Bills and for the Red Sox...(he is aware of what a rabid fan of the Sox his daddy was also). I hope that Ashley's friend's visit will bring you comfort as you share memories with her.

Trudi: How is the "running" coming...is Sir Muttley surviving?

Betty: I have only been to St.Pat's once in my life...when my daughter Cathi was 10, (she is now 43) Good Housekeeping magazine brought us to New York to give her her very first hair cut...her hair at the time fell down to over her backside...and while there, we took a walk through that part of town...we did stop in and it was totally unlike anything I'd ever seen...so majestic and imposing, heart-filling. I have since been fortunate enough to attend Mass at the Vatican, when Cathi was confirmed by Pope John Paul, and remembering our visit to St.Pat's I felt at the time that the visit to St.Pat's was just a preparation for being at St. Peter's at the Vatican. I know that many see such majesty as unnecessary, but there is just something about it (for me, anyway) that makes me feel filled with love when I am in such a place. Thank you again for lighting the candles for our angels.

Tony: your dreams of your son Brendan are so awesome...and it certainly seems that he was paying you a visit to let you know that he is okay. I love what your Jackson said about it is "always sunny in heaven"...such a treasure for you to hold in your heart---thank you for sharing. We have a grandson who has many times made references to things that are not of this world, although as he gets older (he is now 12) he seems to do so less often. When he was five or six, he was playing with trucks on the floor with his cousins in our living room, and suddenly looked up and said "you know, children in heaven can grow up if they choose." This was out of the clear blue sky...no one was even saying anything at the time. It is amazing this connection that children seem to have with the other side of the veil---I too believe it is their innocence that lets them have this connection. As Susannah has said, hold these things close to you, keep them in your heart as you travel this journey.

Dee: I am so very happy for you that Eri's day was so full of energy and overflowing love from those who knew her. I know that it truly pleases you that so many remember her wonderful spirit and her life and the impact she had on their lives.

Betsy: I hope you are having a safe trip to Florida... I know that you and your brother will be a comfort to one another.

I am going to Florida, also, to visit my sister Dorothy and SIL Elizabeth, leaving here on Saturday. I am flying on Southwest, so wish me luck! While there I will also visit my older brother, and my two other sisters, who all live within driving distance of each other (one of whom I have not seen in over 20 years). This trip has been planned now for a while, but while we were waiting for the results of Ralph's tests, it was very doubtful that I would go. He was insistent that I still go, but had the tests not come back as they did, showing he is okay, I would not have gone...so it is with double joy that I go now. I will only be able to "check in" while I am gone, (will be gone for 6 days), but as usual, will have each of you and your angels tucked in my heart each day.

my sister Dorothy (right) and SIL Elizabeth...headed out to the club for Halloween...aren't they beautiful?

To all my Indigo family...I am so very thankful for all of you...so thankful for your support and comfort and sharing.

[aim630]

Carol-I only have a minute before work, but I just wanted to say, I swear there was a guy sitting behind home plate last night that looked a lot like Mike (with a Red Sox jersey)on. Of course, I've only seen pictures, but every time they focused on the batter, the guy just reminded me of your son! I'm sure he was there in spirit! We Cleveland fans are not fair weather fans, because it's pretty much always bad weather (and losses) for all the Cleveland teams. I'm glad no one made fun of Damon I'm sure the Red Sox will come back and win a couple if not all the rest of the games in Cleveland.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[shorty16]

Good morning my friends,

It is raining here in WI. My son, Aaron joined Rugby and our family has never seen a game. Aaron has had 3 games so far and all have been cancelled due to weather. 2 for lightning and the 3rd because the field was flooded.

I really want to see this game. Aaron loves it.

I will keep my friends posted on the state of the Rugby games.

Thinking of all of you today

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[andy88]

Good morning friends! I woke up happy and at peace today, and I just wanted to share a little ray of sunshine with you all. I'm throwing a 21st birthday party for one of Andy's friends tonight, and I'm really looking forward to it. He's so excited. It makes my heart sing to make Andy's friend happy. I know Andy will be there in spirit. I feel hope today that I might still be able to have a life. I'm celebrating this small victory. Andy, I love you sonny bunny!

I keep each one of you in my thoughts and prayers every day.

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Indigo's - I am rushed this morning and don't have time to respond individually. I SO wish I could take away all your heartache, but that is impossible. Visits, dreams, signs and messages couldn't relieve my own heartache.

I am posting part of an email I sent to my sister written two months after Steph died. She (my sister) is a very active Mormon and lost a husband and two children.

Yesterday I thought I learned that not everyone really wants to know the truth when they ask "How are you?". I even felt betrayed by some people I viewed as close friends. I was getting bitter and felt all alone.

Today, I've amended that opinion. I believe people really DO care when they ask how I'm doing. They just weren't prepared for the play by play gush of information they were about to receive from me. I've never been one to hold back. I've decided a better answer is, "I'm hanging in there." And, to save the intimate, dirty details for my most trusted friends. The people I know still love me.

I had that little epiphany tonight. Gary and I took the kids to Celebrate Recovery. It's a Christian Recovery program for whatever ails you. No kidding. Sex addicts, food addicts, depressed people, codependant people, drug addicts, alcoholics and even procrastinators all gather in this one place to recover (through Christ from their addiction). There is a comedy in there and I'm going to make one up right away. It was Steph's thing. Held at the church where her services were held. The pastor that officiated at Steph's service is the pastor over Celebrate Recovery. He asked how I was doing tonight..........and, I told him the truth........which was, not worth a damn. Plus it's the first time I've been there since Steph died. So that makes three times that I've been there in my whole life........I told the unsuspecting pastor that I was okay til I walked in here and now I'm just pissed. I told him I felt the Lord (you have to call God "the Lord" to Christians......they will automatically think you're talking about Jesus and not try to save you. Kind of like calling God "Father in Heaven" to Mormons, or Jehova to witnesses............Jesus works well with Christians, too. They love the name of Jesus. As long as it's their version of the name of Jesus you're using. I'm getting off track.) Okay......so I tell this unsuspecting pastor that I felt the Lord's love deeply last week and I told Him (Jesus) if he was just kissing my ass to drop me on it again, please don't bother. Enough of the brown nosin' already. I promise I'm going to still believe in you (Jesus) because what does it matter if I don't.........you (Jesus) are going to have your own way, anyway. So, I would prefer you kept your love (Jesus) to yourself."Swear to God (or Jesus or the Lord or Jehova or Heavenly Father or Source Energy or Creator or Grandfather) that was my answer to this nice pastor's question as he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "How are you?" I realized my mistake when I noticed he was very slowly backing away from me saying, "Why don't you call my office and make an appointment". He avoided me the rest of the night.

Gotta go, but I'll write to y'all later. LOVE YOU ALL!!!

[ericasmom]

Pam, I am so glad that you are giving out your energy to encourage joy in others and thereby receiving joy in return. I do think that your Boy will be present at the 21st birthday of his Dear Friend. I have received great joy from gathering with my Daughter's friends, in fact, some will be coming over to celebrate ERi's birthday ( a few days after).

Have fun and keep raising your hope to all who love you and Andy.

[Crystal16]

Good morning all,

I’m stopping by let you know I’m thinking of everyone every day and praying you receive some sort of peace throughout your journey.

Crystal/Megs Mom- So sorry to read so much pain you had to endure when it came to watching your girl pass away. The event with little girl whose name was Angel brought tears to my eyes it was a way of God talking to you and letting you know your daughter Meg was okay. I can relate to your jealousy when it comes to my own story there are many times I wish to be with my daughter, Ashlee and just hug her and never let her go… However, there is a purpose for your life and someday it will be revealed why God wants you here on this side of Heaven. Peace to you Crystal xox

Tony- Reading your post gave me a smile knowing my Ashlee is enjoying a sunny day in heaven. I love the dreams Jackson is having with his brother.

Eryn-Pauls Mom- Everyone here is holding you tight <hugs> as you take baby steps on this early journey of grief.

Jaquell Mom- We all love to talk about our children daily and that’s why this support group is so important. I encourage you to continue to share your memories of Jaquell with us.

Sharon- Glad to hear your husband was there to help you calm down.

Carol- It seems the Sox are having a hard time getting started… During spring training my son Ethan had a day with the team at the club house. He hung out with all the players in a relaxed state and just chatted with them all. He had such a ball and even one of the players “need to find out who” came out in the locker room in the buff. Ethan said he’ll never look at him in the same way again, lol.

As some of you know I am dating a new gentleman his name is Scott who has been such a blessing… last night he wrote a poem for me that I wanted to share;

Tonight I was enlightened by not only words but whispers from an angle to which God has delivered to escort me through what we call life. Like others I have thought day in and day out a smile is a smile until I was faced with one who couldn't smile. One who was lost but then realized that it was each other we needed to move forward and smile as one to shine on those who once dreamed of a smile. We as one will give to those that have none because we have won already. We have each other.

[charsng1234]

just wanted say hi to everyone on here. Letting you all know I am still hanging in onthis new life I dont want to be on..

sharon.

[shorty16]

Crystal

Keep that man!!!!

He is wonderful

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Pam

That is exactly how we are going to survive this is to find happiness ever day. You have went so far as to find happiness with your son's friends. That was and still is very difficult for me.

WOW, what an inspiration you are to all of us.

Colleen

[Brendan's Daddy]

I can't tell you how thankful I am that I finally found this site. I thought I was getting to the end of my rope and was not going to be able to go on any longer. The pain of losing my Brendan has just been way too much. Thank you for all the support.

Paul's Mom

My heart ached as I read your post. The feelings you describe sound exactly the same as what I feel. 6 weeks is not a long time. It has been four months for me and I am finally starting to go from shock to reality. To be honest I would prefer to go back to the state of shock stage because this is a reality that I just don't know if I can handle. I am so sorry for your loss. I have had many thoughts of stopping my pain as well, but know that I need to fight those feelings. The people on this board have helped me a lot in the past two days. I truly hope they can help you as well. There are so many people here that know exactly how we feel. So many people that have been where we currently are and have felt how we currently feel. I get hope from them as I see so many of them able to somehow move forward and live life again. Some day I hope to smile again. Someday I hope to laugh again. Someday I hope to live again. I want to be able to look at Brendan's picture and smile. I want to watch home video and laugh. Someday. Hopefully.

Colleen

I am glad to hear that you are a fellow Wisconsinite. This weather is driving me crazy and probably making my depression worse. Brendan's grave is so fresh and all this rain is making it so muddy and messy. I spend a lot of my time at the Cemetery talking to him. I really hope that you get to see your son's game today. Hopefully the weather clears and things start to dry out a little bit.

Tony - Brendan's Daddy

[dwsmithrn]

to all my indigo friends...new and old....i am feeling your pain....i have been in that funk the last few days, missing my son so very much...too much to even get out of my bed...my tears flow like a faucet....my head hurts, my bones burt, my muscles hurt, my stomach hurts....i am tired, i am weary....

i am so envious of those of you who are able to dream about your child....i have been unable to do so....i want to...i want to know he is ok....he is safe and out of pain....i want to see his smiling face....but i haven't, and it saddens me more than ever....he has not contacted me even once....makes my guilt even worse....does he not want to talk to me? does he blame me in some way? does he not know how much i love him? i am aching...

i have to tell of the most insensitive phone call i received a day or two ago...my husband and my daughter tell me to let it go, considering the source, but it cut so deep, i can't forget it.....my husband's partner's (or associate, whatever) WIFE, who has no couth, no tact, no sensitivity at all...called...first words out of her mouth, 'i was just thinking of you'....i thought she meant, really thinking of me and the situation...uh, no....she wanted me to do some embroidery project for her...i have done machine embroidery for years....anyway, that was what she had on her mind....after she talked for about 10 minutes, i finally interrupted her and told her i was not up to any projects or embroidery right now....there was a pause, then she said 'uh...oh, yeah, how are you anyway?' i said, 'not very good'...then, off she went back to this most important embroidery project....i was stunned to say the least....like she had forgotten i lost my son, just 10 weeks ago....she has known nathan for 19 years....her husband and mine have been partners for 19 years, how could she have possibly forgotten about nathan....i told my husband that i realize that just because MY world has stopped, everyone elses world goes on, but to have really forgotten, just really got to me....if it had been a stranger, and had just gotten my business card, i could understand, but not THIS person, how could she have forgotten.....???? i was not happy, made me sad and mad at the same time....the rest of the afternoon, i spent crying until jim got home, and when i told him, he said she is who she is and try not to let HER bother me, but i just couldn't shake it....she set me back a couple of days...

ok, now that i have purged that little tantrum, maybe today will be a bit better.....thanks for listening to that....

i miss nathan...last night i took his baby picture and rocked myself to sleep....i had to....he's still my baby....

i love reading all the stories of all of your babies, they are precious...also, your losses, are so heart breaking, and you must express yourselves, here, where we all understand....please don't stop coming and telling your stories....it helps to say what's on your mind.....

hope today can be a better day for all of us.....diane

[dwsmithrn]

pam...i am so proud of you for finding it in your heart to have a celebration....for andy's friend....you are an inspiration for me....

i am still in my bed, in my house...most of the time....i want to go out, but my anxiety of facing people keeps me here.....i am sstrying to take baby steps,

so i know i will get there eventually, but it is way too hard to get myself out there, with people....i just haven't been able to find that 'happiness' in life again....and i know i have reasons to be 'happy', but the long days, and even longer nights, won't allow me to be happy yet....i have 3 living children, with spouses, and 6 grandchildren with #7 on the way, and want to be happy again, but it's just not there....i need to their mom and grandmother again....i hope i will find my way back soon.....

thanks for your sunshine....diane

[dwsmithrn]

eryn, paul's mom....i feel just like you do on so many levels....my son, nathan, took his life jan 21, 2011....2 days after his 32nd birthday....for reasons we will never know or understand....i am so sad and hurt and aching and feel so guilty that i could not save him.....i can't eat, or sleep, and i, too, have the feeling that i just don't care....and my spirituality has suffered.....i used to be OCD, now i call myself IDC (i don't care).....everything in the last 10 weeks has suffered, even the relationships with my other 3 children is lacking....they say they understand are giving me the time and space i need, but truth is, they can't stand to see me like this....they are used to the strong, independant, do everything mom....which is so opposite now...i am weak, dependant, lost so much weight i look sickly....they are scared of me....they don't like to look at me....this life sucks.....i hate it, i hate me, i hate that nathan did this to me, but i love him dearly and miss him so very much.....it hurts more than anything i could have ever imagined....

diane

[Guest msnher]

Diane - When you are up to it you could embrodery a pillow for the partner's wife that says, "You are an idiot. It's not your fault. Some people are just born that way."

[dwsmithrn]

sus...that is a good idea....i really wanted to just right out and SAY it to her on the phone, but i can't be that rude...my mom taught me better than that....but, really, i just might do that, even if i don't actually give it to her, i can keep it in my sewing room so i KNOW who it was meant for....good idea...at least you just gave me a bit of a smile....thank you

[dwsmithrn]

sharon, keep on keeping on....if you can hang on, then so can i....we are slose to the same....time wise, grief wise....so everytime i read that you are still hanging on, it gives me hope that i can still hang on, as painful as it is...with every minute that passes by, i realize that i, too, as still breathing....as hard as it is to just breathe....thank you for sharing how you feel at any given moment....i hope today we can all get through...baby steps, and that is surely what i am taking, one tiny baby step at a time....all we can hope for right now....

thinking of all of you...every one of you are always on my mind....i am glad we at least have this site, or i might not be here today....this is a cold, raw, lonely place to be, so having you, all of you who do understand what this does to your heart, your mind, your soul, your will to go on, thanks for reaching out....it does help, eve on the worst of days.....diane

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Carol > Where in Florida does your family live? I loved the picture of your Sister & SIL. Have a Safe & Wonderful trip.

Pam > To wake up at Peace and Happy is fantastic! I hope the rest of your day goes that way too! I'm glad you are finding comfort with Andy's friends, I too have had some comfort with Vanessa's friends. I hope you are surrounded by love and comfort tonight at the birthday party, by your Dear Son Andy!

Tony > I have absolutely no doubt Jackson is communicating with Brendan. I personally have had many, many experiences in my life time, especially when I was a child to know that spirits do find a way to communicate with us. Just don't push Jackson to do more or see more, let it come naturally. Being a mother of a developmentally delay child with special needs, I can tell you they are more spiritually inclined and often referred to as old souls because, they have lived these lives before. I have seen plenty of sour, angry special needs children that I don't feel are as connected but perhaps are here for reasons I don't yet understand. But, the Sweet, Loving, Kind, Spirited ones have a direct path to our Heavenly Father and the Angels above. Embrace, Jackson's connections and let it relish you with understanding, peace and love.

Crystal (Meg's Mom) > What a difficult and horrible experience you have endured. I'm sure the visions both of what you saw and didn't see, but envision in your head happing..... haunt you. I know it's of little help to you and your sorrow but, by putting what happen to your daughter out in the world it will effect some people and hopefully they will preach in your child's honor and others children's about drinking and driving and the consequences of that decision. Have you thought of joining MADD? (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) I hear it's a great organization with lot's of Mothers who have loss their children in the same manor as you. Peace to you, my Friend.

Eryn (Paul's Mom) > Your statement of Paul expecting you to live with the same loss he took his own life over is so profound. I'm so sorry that Paul wasn't able to look beyond his grief or get the much needed support he needed to deal with his emotions. I'm sure he never thought about what happens to everyone left behind from his actions, or if he did he didn't realize the impact it would have. He couldn't have understood, his spirit was to low and his sorrow to deep. I'm only eight weeks into this new UN-wanted life and I can tell you I have felt and experienced the same things as you, along with probably just about everyone on BI. My anger crept out in the 6th week too. I am going through the "Never" phase and probably will be for a long time. Especially, through my daughters milestone's of death like Birthday's, Holidays Etc..... Please stay strong through this UN-wanted journey.

It is my belief that our lives and destinies have already been set by a higher power before we were born. It's what we learn and do with our lives that make the difference, as to how we teach and show those around us to live theirs. I have been told so many times in my life that God only gives us what we can handle and I've often wondered why that is and why give us any challenges at all? I think I finally came up with an understanding to that statement, God needs those of us that are stronger to deal with these situations, along with the pain and suffering........ So, others who are less strong can learn from us. In the end I think it makes us better humans and enables us to help the less strong and show them the path to understanding. Well, This is only one of my theories to the "why this happen" question. Which, won't leave my thought process, I dwell on it everyday why, why, why?

Undoubtedly, This is the worse and most cruel action from god that he could ever expose or put us through. Like, I've said before my faith is shattered! It will take a long time to put those pieces back together, if I'm even able to.

Peace and love to all!

[Brendan's Daddy]

I know this might be a personal subject, but I was hoping to get some advice on this. I currently take one anti anxiety pill per day. I take it at night so I can get some sleep. The daytime is the worst for me. I spend all day walking in and out of work so I can get out and cry. Many people are telling me that I need to get on an anti depressant medication. Even my counselor has suggested that I go to the doctor to get on something.

I really don't want to be on any medication for a couple of reasons. 1. I am afraid it will just dull the pain that I will have to eventually deal with anyway. 2. I am afraid I won't be myself. I don't want to be a zombie. 3. My wife wants more kids really bad and I am afraid it will hamper that process.

Can anybody give me some insight on what they have done or are doing. Anything that might help me get through a day.

[bridie]

hi brendan's daddy

i am so sorry for your loss. i lost my son almost three years ago. at some point, im sorry i cant remember when exactly, i realised i needed help to move on. i wasnt leaving the house, i was aggitated, i was closing people out etc. my doctor put me on a course of citalopram which made a big difference. it doesnt change what happened or stop you missing your loved one but it definately gave me the strength to cope with life. on the contrary to feeling like a zombie it actually made me feel more alive. I came off these tablets and have slowly found myself getting worse again to the point i can only describe as feeling dead inside. i went back to the doctors today and have been prescribed more. i think maybe i came off the tablets too soon. i am looking forward to the tablets kicking in so that i feel better again. i think you should see your doctor. modern antidepressants are very helpful and have few side effects. i hope this helps. good luck to all your family.

I know this might be a personal subject, but I was hoping to get some advice on this. I currently take one anti anxiety pill per day. I take it at night so I can get some sleep. The daytime is the worst for me. I spend all day walking in and out of work so I can get out and cry. Many people are telling me that I need to get on an anti depressant medication. Even my counselor has suggested that I go to the doctor to get on something.

I really don't want to be on any medication for a couple of reasons. 1. I am afraid it will just dull the pain that I will have to eventually deal with anyway. 2. I am afraid I won't be myself. I don't want to be a zombie. 3. My wife wants more kids really bad and I am afraid it will hamper that process.

Can anybody give me some insight on what they have done or are doing. Anything that might help me get through a day.

[dwsmithrn]

hi tony....i think at this point in our grief, anything is worth trying....i have seen my internist 3 times...she is worried because i don't sleep and eat very little....my health is at stake now....so, this is what she did for me....i am taking celexa...it has very minimal side effects, if any, and if you take other meds, no interactions with other meds...i take it in the morning.....for sleep, she gave me ativan and i can use ambien, if i need to....i am now sleeping at least 4 straight hours at night. i can get by with that or i can choose to take a combination of the meds for more sleep, but i am ok with this for now....the celexa does fine....i don't feel like a zombie and i can get through the day....yes, i still cry at times during the day...i think mostly, it took the edge off the rawness, but there are so many antidepressants out there....it would be good to talk with your doctor....i view my meds as temporary, until i can get over the worst hump of my life, then i will taper off of them, if i am able, otherwise, i will keep taking them...whatever works for now....i know i have to keep on living for my husband, children and grandchildren.....but, do talk to someone and find out what is right for you....diane

[dwsmithrn]

lori....here's another "why"? for you....but WHY do we have to prove that we are super strong...? why do we have to have a child taken away from us just to prove that we are strong? because i have failed that test....i trusted god to help nathan, to make him better, and this was what i got for my trusting nathan to god and my empty prayers...this is what i got...so, i am not very trusting now....i have been ignored and shot down by god...people keep telling me they are praying for me, and i am an idiot...i tell them, do what you have to, but it won't do any good...whatever you feel you need to do, or you can if you want to. i know it blows their mind, but my heart is shattered...i don't really think much of god right now, so i'm sure he doesn't really think much of me, either....he takes the good people and leaves the scumbags on earth...what sense does that make?

ok, i'm stepping down off my soapbox now..... diane

[lolynbo]

got back yesterday from san ANTONIO WITH MOM...HAD A GREAT TIME SHE HAD NEVER BEEN SO IT WAS ALL NEW...KIMBERLY JUST BLOWES ME AWAY....SHE IS SO DANG SMART SHE WAS SMOOZING WITH THE VP OF BP (BRITISH PETRO)...SHE EVEN SAID TO HIM AS A JOKE "OH I SHOULDNT HAVE ATE THAT SHRIMP"...HE SAYS Y...SHE SAYS "SINCE YOUR OIL SPILL"...LOL SHE SAID EVERY ONE WAS CRACKING UP....ALSO SHE GOT A $80,000 JOB OFFER BUT DECLIND IT AND HE WANTS TO MEET WITH HER HUBBY (CODY) TO SEE IF MAYBE HE WLD BE A SALES PERSON FOR THEM..(IN HOUSTON)....WELL ANYWAY WE HAD A GOOD TIME AND SHE MADE ALOT OF PROSPECTIVE CLIENTS....AND DICKS LAST RESORT WAS HELARIOUS WITH MY MOM...SHE WAS A GREAT SPORT..

TRIED TO READ ALL I MISSED BUT GEEPERS....

I JUST PRAY FOR ALL YAL THE NEW ONES THAT SADLY HAVE TO BE HERE AND US OLD ONES....HUGGGSSSSSS...GOTTA GET BILLS PAID

[daveydow1]

BrendansDaddy------I'm very glad that you found your way to this site after the devastating tragedy of losing dear little

Brendan. As others say........one can come here anytime and read/post/vent and everyone understands all the

cement-mixer of emotions we all have to go through on this lousy road. We understand the overwhelming sorrow

that floods over when a beloved child is lost to this world. Also, I so understand the type of dreams you have been

having. Peace to you, friend.

Megsmom----Tears fell as I read your story of sweet Meg's death.......caused by a cowardly person who only wanted

to escape justice. His sentence was not long enough, in my opinion....but that seems to be the moods of the courts

sometimes. The jerk who killed my son got nothing...(in fairness....it was a highway accident...but caused by negligent

driving (sleeping at the wheel). His demeanor was also......"just get me out of this".....He got the most high-profile

criminal attorney in our area, who got delay after delay, and finally a $1,000. fine. No jail time....(jails were full at the

time, so he got a pass on that too). I am just so sorry that your sweet daughter had to die. How old was Meg ?

I understand your devastation and sorrow, and all those hopes and dreams ended . Drunk drivers somehow seem to

get by with little punishment. A guy in our area, last year, was sited for his 15th DUI, and had killed one person

years ago while driving drunk. He finally got some serious prison time. Luckily, no one was injured in his latest

violation.

Colleen-----You said that you have not had a dream of Brian since he died, and felt that maybe your emotions were

just too clogged. I believe that you made a very accurate statement. I have not had a dream of Davey in probably a

couple years.....at least not one that I can vividly recall. Sometimes I have the feeling or sensation that I have had

some short short little 'dreamlet' where I saw him, but it's maddening when I try & try to recall it but can't. I guess

that sometimes the dreams/signs of our beloved children come when we least expect them......then when they do,

it's like a little fleeting glance of HEAVEN. Peace, friend.

Paulsmom----I am so very sorry for your loss of your son, Paul. I don't have to tell you how painful this road is.....

especially in these early weeks/months. Come here to BI and share your sorrow with us, if and when you wish

to do so. Everyone here knows, firsthand, your sorrow. We are always here.

Diane----Oh....I can see so well that your husband's partner's wife was rude & insensitive. She likely had one thing

on her mind........ having you do the embroidery project . People can be so thoughtless. I have never done

machine embroidery (never learned), but I love to hand-embroidery......love working with all the colors.

Sus--You said that the preacher backed off.....shrunk back, when you told him just how you feel. Just brings

to mind.....again......just how good this site is, and all the understanding that everyone here has for strong emotions

that many times will put other people off. Maybe he will be able to give some assistance if you decide to go see him.

I have not sought any counceling from the church. Just have not felt motivated in that direction. I especially think that

others.....including preachers....many times do not understand the emotion of our frustration and anger. I guess

that they may think it is not a very Christiian way to act.... sigh.........Oh well,.......what do I know ?? Peace to you.

Dee-----How wonderful......the little tree decorated by you, the children, and others in memory of ERI's birthday...........

..and with lots of PINK.

Your raspberry torte sounds yummy.......I bet that it won't last long.

Betty-----How's your weather.?.....cold here.....Supposed to get some warm days next week.....I hope so.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Sherry, it was so pretty, I will try to post some photos, you know how sometimes that works and sometimes not.

I am tired today, went to the chiropractor again today, 3 times in 2 weeks, not good but boy, he had to unlock some frozen joints in my lower back. I had no flex in my back so stiff and that wakes me up a lot cause it hurts, so I am hoping that tonight I will be able to sleep well and deeply and wake without pain.

One of our old neighbors Child is having a baby in August, she found out yesterday that it is a girl and came to my school and asked me if the middle name of her Daughter can be ERica. Meghan grew up alongside Jon and ERi...I cried so hard and of course said, yes. We feel honored.

So many stories here right now, never in my 7 years here have there been so many members. may everyone find the connection they need here as we have. There is nothing easy about this new turn in your lives, but we are here to tell you that it will get softer one day. As Colleen said, it is a choice at some point, not in the beginning, then it is a matter of survival, you new to this in the last 9 monhts or so, you are in survival mode, eventually, going into the day with some focus and intent will happen, and that effort will be exhausting but worth it. One effort will lead to other activities and one day you will realize that you are doing more than you ever thought you would do again. It really takes time for many, some get up and moving faster than others. It is just because we are all made so differently, snowflake-like. We all have the same parts, but we interpret them differently. Be kind to yourselves All.

Diane, I would like to think that the partner's wife thought that by diving into another topic she would engage you and therefore help you???? no hu? Oh well, sounds like your husband and daughter know her true colors.

Goodness to each tonight, talk at you later.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - What an honor to your Eri! What an honor to you.

Sherry - I don't blame the pastor. Steph had been gone for only two months when he approached me so that incident happened more than 17 months ago. I'm a very animated, assertive woman and I don't hold back on the profanity...so, I kind of blew the preacher away with my blunt "The Lord can kiss my ars!" statement and that God just builds you up to knock you down...etc. I'm not mad at my Creator any more so it's a moot point, but I thought it was humorous as I read it and I wanted the newer people to know I went through hating God, too. The shocked look on the pastor's face made it all funny.

[mysonrich]

Hello Indigo’s, just a quick hello to all and wanting you to know that I am thinking of you all.

I flew into Jacksonville, FL last evening, a bit late due to storms earlier in the day. Some “bumps”, also known as stomach flips.

A beautiful service for Laura. Her girls sang, all with beautiful voices. A bright blue sky for the day.

After the service, after the luncheon, held in the church, Laura’s grandson; Denver( she has 15! ) he is 4, came over to me as I took a walk inside and said, “ Is that Jesus Christ”? He was pointing at a picture. I replied that yes, that is Jesus.

Denver asked, “where is Jesus Christ”. I told him that he was here. Denver asked again, “where is Jesus Christ”. I did the best I could to explain that Jesus was with us in spirit today and that he,Denver could speak to him whenever he wished.

Denver, looking at closed doors said again, “where is Jesus”…ahh. I understood. How do I tell a 4 years old that as far as I know Jesus didn’t have an office door?

Little boys. I see my son in them all.

Brother is ok I think. He has a support system in place and it was nice that a co-workers attended the service.

I wish you all a peaceful night.

[lolynbo]

DEE SORRY I MISSED YOUR ERI DAY...

[PaulsMom]

I have a friend named Shelia. She contacted one of her friends who lost her son 11 years ago. She emailed me yesterday and shared her story with me. I answered and shared basically the same information with her that I shared here. She wants to meet tomorrow because so much of my story and emotions mirror her feelings in the beginning. This is something I think I need, someone close by that I can talk to. It's terribly sad that our loss is what is bringing us together.

I went to a therapist last week and will see her again tomorrow. She is gathering a list of support groups for me. I too am on anti-anxiety mediation and anti-depressants to be able to function at all.

I wish I could offer something, anything to all of you on the board who are trapped in this living nightmare. I will tell you one thing about Paul and his personality. When his son was so sick, so close to death so many times, hourly alarms sounding because Aaron had stopped breathing, again, my son wrote us daily updates. He told us of another family who had a super preemie that had been admitted to the crib next to Aaron. Things did not look good for this poor baby. My son asked all of us to pray for this child and for his family. He set aside his own wants and unselfishly thought about another's pain. I was so proud of him for that. I have two thoughts about this now. 1) I am more selfish than my son. 2) If he could set his pain aside for that moment and think of someone else's pain, why didn't he stop and think about the pain he would put his brother and I through with his final action?

I'm glad this board is here. I'm sorry it ever had to be created in the first place.

[aim630]

Lorri-Glad you had a good time in with your mom & Kimberly. She sounds like she is very accomplished-being able to joke with the VP of BP

Betsy-I'm glad that Laura's service went well.It is adorable that Denver was looking for Jesus' office door!

Dee-What an honor that Eri's friend wants to honor your angel in that way. I'm sure you're looking forward to the birth, and you'll feel a special connection to that baby. I'm sorry you're having back pain. From what I hear, that's the worst, and it is hard to find relief. I hope the chiropractor's work helps to ease some of the pain.

Tony-About a month after we lost Ashley and the shock had worn off, I went to the doctor for anti-depressants. First she gave me Zoloft, which did help, but I also felt like a zombie. If I accidentally forgot to take a pill, I was dizzy and nauseous. After a few months on that I told her I was sick of feeling like a slug, so she put me on Welbutrin. I think it helps, and I don't feel so sluggish. There are many options, and you should talk with your doctor. Hopefully he can find you something that will help without having too many side effects.

Well, very tired. Stressful day at work. I told my boss I didn't know how I would get everything done that they are asking me to do, and she said she didn't know what to tell me. Then (jokingly, I think) suggested I work Saturday & Sunday. I do get paid overtime, but I really don't want to spend my life at that stupid job. I'm going to try to get there early, but probably won't get up in time.

Goodnight all,

Amy/Ashley's mom