Loss of an Adult Child

[crystalann]

I dont think Tylers girlfriend will ever move on.Tyler helped her to see she could be loved and he loved her so much and she him.She lives with us now in the room Tyler was in as a little boy. She is the only witness to this kid shootting Tyler. The cops are suppossed to be watching our house and keeping her safe but they dont.And you would think the would with the ring leader 3 doors down.She said yesterday it should have been her. But I dont think Tyler would have been able to deal with loseing her.He has been with her on and off for 4 years.She was his only one!! I need to call the DA but me and my husband dont agree on what this kid should get I want life in prison no parole so he can sit and think about what he did and have to deal with the general population there. My husband wants the death penalty I think thats to easy for him to just get to go to sleep no no no thats not justice to me.I want him to be beaten torchered and tormented the rest of his days. Like my heart feels. Ok i was never like this before. To want someone hurt. I guess it is who I have become.

[andy88]

My story...

First of all, thank you for letting me be a part of this family of those who have experienced their worst nightmare. I only joined a few days ago, but I've found great strength here.

My son, Andy, was my only child and the light of my life. He arrived 10 days early on Monday, 10/10/88. i remember thinking, "yay! I don't have to go to work!" haha. He came into the world at 5:06 PM and it was the happiest day of my life. I couldn't believe I got to keep this beautiful boy all for my own. His Dad and I were ecstatic. He was such an easy baby...never cried unless he was wet or hungry. We delighted in every new milestone. He was a handsome little boy with big brown eyes and long, long eyelashes. Every night before bed, I would read him a story, sing him "You are My Sunshine" and tell him a fairy tale in which he starred. He was a straight-A student all through school and was currently attending the local community college and living with me. He wanted to become an anesthetist.

About 5 years ago, he began having trouble with drugs, but seemed to still be moving forward. We took him to a several therapists but they didn't help a whole lot with the drug issue, and since he was over 18 our options were limited insofar as what we could force him to do. In August of this year, his dear friend died of a heroin overdose. Although his father and I are divorced, we are still good friends and we immediately circled the wagons. We asked him if he had ever done heroin and he said a friend had talked him into trying it one month previously. We had no idea he was into that. He went through a horrible cold-turkey withdrawal (yes, it only takes a few times to become an addict), and we found an excellent therapist whom he really clicked with. Things were going so well. He was beginning to feel happy again and see his potential, although I don't think he ever got past the death of his friend. He had a job, was going to college and getting straight A's. We were cautiously optimistic, but becoming more optimistic each day. I let myself believe for the first time in 5 years that he was back on track.

So, what happened? I can't talk about this part because there is an open criminal investigation, but I found my beloved son dead in his apartment over our garage on Friday, 2/11/11. At first I thought he was sleeping, but he didn't move at all when I called his name. I touched him...He was stiff and face down, and it was the most horrific moment of my life. I wanted so badly to turn him over and hold him and rock him, but I freaked out and ran downstairs to the house because I didn't want to remember him that way. I called 911 and His Dad who did go up and did hold him. The rest is a blur. I want the person who gave him the drugs to be punished for shattering our lives and to prevent that person from causing anyone else this grief.

I miss him so much. I have to work every day and act like everything is ok, but it's not. I do find comfort knowing he is safe and happy now and that I will see him again, but God, I miss him so much. His friends have been around a lot and that has helped me so much. My friends have been angels. I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and good in people. I have good days and bad days. I go to the cemetery a lot, though I'm trying not to make it an obsession. I know he's not there, but it is a beautiful, peaceful place, and I like to just sit there and be with his earthly body and feel the breeze on my face.

I find myself going through all the "what ifs", but I know it is pointless. The truth is, I loved him more than life itself and I would have done anything in the world for him. I would take his place if I could. I also find myself wishing I had cancer or something so I could see him sooner. So here I am, childless and husbandless and wondering what I do with my life now. I will figure this out in time. I have a huge sense of "it's not fair", but I also believe I have a reason for being here and that I must go on. I also have found peace when I lay down at night knowing he is safe...something I haven't felt in several years. I am a strong, independent woman, and I am determined to honor Andy's life by being happy and fulfilling my mission. It's just getting through the days that's tough.

Thanks for letting me share my story.

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[zachysmom]

Pam you are always welcome here any time. I am so sorry for the loss of your son. feel free to come and post or just read. this will be a long road but it won't be lonely, you have many new friends here who will be here when you need them. we laugh, cry , and complain here all moods are welcome so never be afraid to post.

Beth

[zachysmom]

I know many people are busy but if you would like me to I am willing to take the time to add our angels angelversary dates to the calendar. Just post you angel's name and date and I will add them or if you want pm me the information and I will add it for you.

Beth

[shorty16]

Pam, Andy's Mom

Hi Pam, my name is Colleen and we lost our 16 year old son to car-surfing.

You are in a good group of people. May I also say, you sound very reasonable and level-headed - you seem to know what you must do.

Be kind to yourself. Do not beat yourself up if you have bad days.

There are several here that lost their children to drugs or alcohol. My loss was a foolish teenage stunt gone terribly wrong - no drugs or alcohol involved.

I also went through the court process. The driver of the car is now a convicted felon, he was 18 when sentenced. Everyone lost in this case.

Please keep us informed and tell us about Andy - we say their names loud and clear here.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Crystal16]

Pam- Sorry hun we never wanted to loose our babies in such tragic ways. My prayers are with you during this difficult journey.

Beth- I would love Ashlee's Angel anniversary date to be added which is September 3, 2010. Thank you my friend.

Thinking of all of you and I pray God sends his love your way.

[Guest msnher]

Pam - Thank you for sharing your son and his story with us! He is a very handsome young man! My name is Susannah. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died on August 9, 2009 in an ATV accident. She left behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising.

She had battled with drugs and the lifestyle that goes with it for many, many years. She left more rehabs than I can count. She and her exhusband lost her children to foster care because of their lifestyle in 2006. He seemed to straighten up and was awarded sole custody of the children. He found a girlfriend, however, that became my grandchildren's worst nightmare. He hadn't let Stephanie see her children for a year, which, we didn't argue with because of her lifestyle and we were unaware of what the children were going through. When it was brought to our attention we confronted him and he signed custody of the children over to me and my husband.

Then one day he picked them up for icecream saying he would have them back in an hour and we never heard from him again. We didn't know where the children were, only that he had gone back to the girlfriend.

For more than a year we didn't know where they were. During that time Stephanie put herself in an 8 month rehab program and successfully completed it. While she was yet in treatment, 13 months after he had taken the kids, we were notified by family services that they had the children and they had been severely abused physically and sexually by the girlfriend.

We got the kids. Stephanie finished treatment and for the first time in 2 years she got to see her children. Six weeks later she was dead from the accident. We found out, after she died, that she was dabbling in her old lifestyle, hooking up with undesireable men. At the time of her death we were in the middle of the civil trial - the state against the girlfriend - proving they had just cause to take the kids. She had already been criminally charged and we were at the beginning of the criminal proceedings. She plea bargained, so we didn't have to go through that mess. The judge took away the dad's parental rights and allowed my husband and I to legally adopt the children.

But, the whole reason for telling you MY story is to tell you I understand not worrying about Andy anymore. My daughter's death is the most painful thing I've ever walked through. It's also been the most spiritual. I miss her more than life itself and would gladly change places with her. I haven't heard her voice in over 19 months. Also, in over 19 months I haven't received one of those chaotic, drama phone calls. In over 19 months I haven't had to worry about where she is or who she's with. In over 19 months I haven't had to worry about her children's safety and well being.

I can't tell you how many times I planned her funeral, before she actually died. With her drug use and lifestyle I knew I would receive the news she had overdosed, or been murdered or froze to death because she was homeless in some other city.

In the last six weeks of her life she was a different woman. She was the daughter I never had. I'm glad I didn't know about the boyfriend or she and I would have been at odds at the time of her death. Instead she died with us as friends and our last words to each other loving.

Anyway. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. You have come to the right place. I never thought I'd be in the place (a good place) that I am now when I joined. The pain was too raw then.

Much love back...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Pam, Andy is so handsome,I know that you will do your best to honor his life with yours. I am so sorry for the pain you are i for the missing him. Glad that you are posting with us.

[dwsmithrn]

pam, andy's mom.....i am diane, nathan's mom (always and forever)....i lost nathan to suicide, exactly 9 weeks ago tomorrow....and yes, i count the days, the weeks and the months.....it is hard not to ...the days are long, the nights longer....it is hard to sleep and hard to keep food to stay where it belongs.

i am so sorry for your loss. if i had only known that nathan was even 'thinking' of doing what he did, i would have done anything, anything for him. he hid his depression so well....even from his brother/best friend, and he only lived 5 miles from him. my boys were very close and he didn't even know what nathan was thinking. i know he had been a little depressed off and on over the last few months, but this was a blow to all of us. he was an occupational therapist, doctorate even, very intelligent, funny, could make you smile just to look at him...loved his patients, brought them out of their depression, but just couldn't do the same for himself. he loved his job and his patients loved him....i have my ideas of where his head may have been, but i still can't wrap my head around his leaving me like he did. we have such a close-knit family....the 3 siblings left are so distraught over losing him...and i, his mother, even more so. my husband, his step-dad, has been so patient with me and so loving and supportive, i don't know that i would have made it this far without him and THIS BI family....i am so serious about this....the support here has helped me tremendously.

i hope you will come back and share your memories of andy. i haven't totally shared things about nathan yet, it is so hard for me...so far, i have shared my pain and heartache and my grief, but the stories will come....i am still working on anger and and pain...and the tears just won't stop...

i have been afraid to leave my house....fear of people....so, today was the first step...i went to lunch with my beautiful daughter. it was ok....i only got teary once....but i didn't actually cry....yeah! for me. baby steps, right?

but, i do have to tell you...i am SOOOO glad to be home, my safe haven....my husband was already here when i got home and that made that much more safe for me to come home. i feel like i will be ok, now that i am home again. but that was a huge accomplishment, for me to go out.

ok, again, i ramble....later....diane

[dwsmithrn]

beth.....nathan, angel date: 1/21/11

thanks, diane

[rlolheiser]

just wanted to say hi and thank you to everybody, kind words indeed.

Nothing has changed here, except the people are even more needy. My grandson is going through a bad time with cysts in his sinus by his eyes, he is a medicaid patient and it is tough to get the dr. to refer him to the specialist. The dr is mad because over the years he has told my daughter that her son only has dry sinus, and that is why the nose bleeds. I took him to my ER and they x-rayed him and said he needs surgery. I have to go to his dr next with him and kick butt... he best give me the referal or I will do everything I can to cause trouble... I am tired of being kicked around and ready to take it out on somebody.

JaBoa's sister has taken a complete personality change. She refuses to listen to anybody. She has goes out of her way to show us disrespect. I don't understand her, I told her I love her, and want to be there for her... I told my daughter she needs help, but my daughter is still locked in the life of her boyfriend.. more garbage than I care to know... it has got to the point of losing my money... she spent it on phone cards for the *&*%^ creep. I am at my end.... I don't know what to do...

I miss JaBoa terrible.. I know life wouldn't be like this... here we are going on 5 years and life is still such a mess... the hurt is right on top of my heart and I still can't cry......

For all the new people here.. I wish I had some words of wisdom.. I seem to remember I had a couple at times :-) ... coming here is the best thing for you to do... Even when we are down.. God kows I have to come here... Everybody is so understanding so forgiving.. so accepting... and they all ask for nothing except for us to share our heartbreak.. our hearts .. our friendship... All of the Indigo family is wonderful.. even when so many are in pain themselves they always have time to care about their family... I fall short in my coming in lately.. but everybody is always in my thoughts.. if it wasn't for this place I would be alone...thank you

[dwsmithrn]

leah, you really do have your hands full.....having 6 grandchildren of my own, i don't know you do it....i don't think i have the strength to raise another family. bless your little tired heart. i will keep you in my thoughts and hope you have a better tomorrow....diane

[westleysmom]

Leah-So sorry that things are getting bad with JaBoa's sister. And the continued problems with your daughter. I think of you every day and know that you are tired, so weary of it all. I don't have much wisdom either, but send you my love and support.

Pam-Thank you for sharing Andy with us. My 20 YO son Westley was at a friend's house and sleeping on the couch. She couldn't wake him for work and called us. 911 was called, but he had died in his sleep. He'd had a couple of beers and taken some prescription medicine, and he had sleep apnea. I don't know if he'd come home that night like he said he would if it would have made any difference in what happened. I don't know if I could live in my home if he had died there. This all happened last January 13, 6 days before he would have been 21. I am so sorry for your loss, Andy was a handsome boy and I know you miss him terribly. It must have been very hard for you to write all of that down. Andy and Westley were almost the same age, as Westley was born Jan 19, 1989. I know I'm rambling, but your story seems so similar to mine, the unexpectedness of it all. I have been coming here and posting since last June, and it has helped me a lot. I don't know where I'd be without the support and understanding that I have found here. Peace and hugs to you and I hope you keep coming back if you think you are ready. But if you don't feel like it sometimes, even just reading helps. Those who are further along give me hope that someday, SOMEDAY, I'll be able to smile more than cry when I think of Westley. I loved him so dearly, I sometimes don't know how I've made it this long and wonder how I'll make it through the rest of my life without seeing him again.

Beth-I'm not sure if you have Westley's information or not, but his angel date is January 13, 2010. You're sweet to do that, thank you.

Diane-So proud of you for getting out a little bit to have lunch with your daughter. That is a very big step, but it doesn't mean you'll feel like doing it every day, I'm sure. Just take baby steps like you said and try to take care of your health. Hugs

[kmb22]

“What so many folks without children don't get is nobody, NOBODY counts in our hearts as our Kids do.”

I used to believe this conclusion was a given in everyone’s thought process…until now. For a time I tried to explain it to others but I too suffer from, what I believe Diane referred to as, IDC (I don’t care), along with IDM (It doesn’t matter), and INMJ (It’s not my job). I usually add an “anymore” to all of them because I used to care too much, everything mattered too much, and everything used to be in my job description.

I’m sorry to those also having to deal with people in their lives who don’t understand and aren’t capable of being compassionate and supportive; it’s difficult enough to get through the day without having the added burden of others expectations of us. It’s unfortunate, for brain lack of a more fitting word, we really do see people’s true colors in the worst of times…and there are no worse than this.

My answer has been to just stay away from most. I’m pretty sure it’s not the healthiest choice but, for me, it’s better than being consumed by the added pain of being let down by those I believed in. It leaves me alone most of the time but I’ve found it better to be alone with it than surrounded with disappointment and disillusionment. Keeping people out of my life has been pretty easy, most I don’t hear from unless I call them first…so I just don’t call anymore. I’m still working on learning how to take back the space they occupy in my mind.


Love to all. <3

[daveydow1]

Lorri--------Sorry about your root canal.....( no fun ). I've had a couple done in the past too. It wasn't as bad

as I thought it would be.......more pain before the root canal. You are so right-----part of us dies when

our child/children die before us. Guess there's just no way we would be complete after that devastating

thing happens to us. I understand.....that you have bittersweet feelings about Brent. I bet he misses

sweet Kourtney. As you say.......young people seem to be able to 'move on with their lives' quicker that

parents.

Rhonda-----I, so, understand how you miss Wes so very much. It hasn't been that long that you've been

on this lousy road we're on. No getting off.....no turnaround.....just straight ahead.

Carol-----Your story about the little fox having a nest in the lamb's ear is so cute. Can you imagine her

thinking..."this will be a nice soft place to lay down & rest". We haven't seen many deer most of the

winter, but will most likely see them soon.......the tulips are coming up (no flowers yet, though).

Hope that you are getting better now. Yay......opening season at Fenway coming up !!!

Sharon---I'm sorry that you are facing such frustrating and maddening circumstances in regards to

the police/ legal area of your dear son's death. From my experience.......the law seems to be easy on

the person who caused the death....forgetting about the one who passed away. It can be maddening.

The truck driver who was sleeping while driving a 40,000 lb. semi got a slap on the wrist for running

over Davey's car & killing him......(also hitting 7 other cars...sending 25 people to hospitals ) My son

was hit first, and the only one who died. Trucker got out without a scratch. I pray that that guy who

shot your son gets a stiff penalty. As you say........Shane could have been coming up to the door.

Peace & comfort to you, friend.

Dee-----I hope that you're feeling better by now. These nasty bugs hang around way too long. My

older son has had it for a month......continues to work.......but the bug just won't go away.

To all the new parents here.......Sharon, Jennasmom, Karen, Carrie, Christy, Diane, Pam, and Chrystal.......I wish you PEACE.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[hotrod]

Dear PamThank you for introducing us to your handsome son. Andy. He ceratinly sounds like the joy and sparkle of your life. My son Stephen, passed away 4 years ago of an alcohol overdose. I also found him in the morning when I went into his room. I understand your sadnesss and pain and know that you did everything possible to change the coarse of events. I love the picture you posted. Andy looks so happy and full of life. Please come back and share his life and join our Indigo family as we go forward into these new days together.

Carol your words of comfort and understanding shared with Diane truly tocuhed my heart.

Sherry glad to see Davey's face and hear about your wonderful bird sightings

Dee I am feeling a bit better but I see you. the trooper are still holding us all together Thanks

Leah I am sorry for all the added trouble

Karen I missed you and Shawn.s sparkliing eyes i agree I am also one of those who do not care ay more at all.

All the new and not so New Indigos please just keep coming back . Thinking positive thoughts for each of our angesls.

[ericasmom]

Oh Boy Leah, I sure wish that your life could be filled now with some peace,some quiet, some compassion from those in your household. I am sorry that it is not taht way, if I could change it for you I would. You will have to take our compassion and our love from this household to get you through to the next day, it is a genuine love after all, one that fills each of us day after day and into the sometimes endless nights, the love of our sisters adn brothers here, siblings in a way joined by our losses, and gathered by our Dearhearts. So Deary, I am hoping, sending hopes and energy to you as you face the night.

karen, staying away from folks can be the way to get through these hard hard times, without others expectations indeed.

Sherry, yes this cold is a lesson in exhaustion but I did drive to the gym after school adn went into the warm water pool to work out a bit. It felt so good, healing to be paddling back adn forth with the sunlight through the windows. I did not swim with head under as that would certainly add to my sinus issues but it felt theraputic. Now however, I could go right to sleep but I shall wait until 9:00 having a better chance to sleep in the middle of the night.

Betty, glad to hear that you are feeling better. Keep resting as I am sure it will cut some time off of your recovery.

[charsng1234]

Just checking in with everyone read the post can't talk tonight sending my hugs to all.

Sharon shanes mom!

[nicksdad]

[hotrod]

Dear Adam

Your Beautiful Smile

Your gentle spirit

Are Treasured

Saying your name ADAM ADAM ADAM ADAM

[Guest msnher]

ADAM ADAM ADAM ADAM

Never forgotten!

[ericasmom]

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM

Saying your Name Sweetie, the name that is music to your Parents hearts, ADAM.

[Guest msnher]

My kids grandma died yesterday. Exhusband's mother. It was time. She had suffered with cancer, lost her husband a few years ago...it was time. Still sad. Not like Steph sad, but sad.

[andy88]

I want to say your beautiful name too today....

ADAM

ADAM

ADAM

It's a beautiful name

If I could figure out how to put it in color, I would!

[shorty16]

Terri

I have been thinking of you all week. May the warm thoughts of Adams smile penetrate the darkness.

Thinking of you, my friend.

We will say his name loud and clear.

Adam Adam Adam Adam

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Karen

If staying away from most folks gets you through the day, then so be it. Later in your grief journey, you will find it a bit easier to interact.

There is no book on how to grieve properly. All I know is, each day I say "This is the Day the Lord has made, let us be glad and rejoice in it."

This process is alot of work. Slowly, but slowly we get back out into the world and can deal with the questions about our kids.

It is nice to see you reaching out to others. That is a huge step and these steps seem to happen so slowly we do not even recognize we have improved.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Andy's Mom

The color selection is to the right of the size selection. It is an Icon 0f a colored pencil or pen.

Hope this helps

Colleen

[andy88]

6 weeks today. How I miss you, Andy.

I hope you all have a beautiful day. Make it count! <3

Question: is Andy's picture showing up? I can see all of your pictures, but not mine. Thanks!!

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[andy88]

Thanks Colleen!

[dwsmithrn]

hi folks...i am here today, on this, a friday, the worst day of the week....9 weeks after nathan left me. i can't help but count the days, the weeks. it never ends, the counting, the waiting (hoping it's a nightmare and i will wake up)...the pain. my heart hurts so much....seems it gets worse and not better.

rhonda...prayer? what for....it doesn't work for me....i am at the lowest point of faith right now. don't know if i will ever get back to it. i have talked to 3 preachers so far, and i don't feel a thing. my baby is gone and nothing will bring him back. how can prayer make me feel better about losing him? i don't get it...

Karen...i, too, stay away from people...far, far away. i don't even go to the mailbox if i think someone is out there. just can't face them right now....don't want those 'looks' or questions, or the 'how are you' ....i'm terrible, what do you think? i am just not ready to faace people at all

sherry...thank you for sending me peace, but when does it come?....no, really, when do i finally find that peace? does it really come? i can't even sleep at night because my mind is always thinking, and worrying and wondering what i could have done to save my baby. it just never stops....and the worst part is....i SEE him at that last moment in time....i see what he did...and it won't leave my mind,. i wasn't even there, and i SEE IT...how do i STOP that.?

pam...i am sorry this is 6 weeks for you....9 weeks for me...it is so hard to have to count weeks, days....i hate this. i hate how i feel. i hate how i look, i hate that i can't think of anything else in my life....i have 3 other children, 6 grandchildren, with another on the way, and a wonderful, loving, supportive husband, and yet, i feel so alone and sad and can't function....i hate my new life. i get so mad at nathan, but love him so much at the same time. it is a mixed bag of emotions. today, i am mad at him for leaving me. i yelled at him this morning. i took it back, but i did yell at him.

BUT....i HAVE to tell all of you....i DID it...yesterday, i actually got dressed (in real clothes), put on some make-up and went to lunch with my daughter.

she took me out-of-town, so i wouldn't run in to anyone we know....we talked, we cried, just a little, i ate a little, but i made it through it. she said she was 'proud' of me for going and being her mom again, even for just a little while. i know she needs me, having another little one on the way, but it is so difficult for me to have to put on a fake front for her....but, i did it for her. i want to be her mom again, i do....but this grief thing is way harder than anyone (other than ya'll) know and than anyone should ever in a life time have to know. this is one of those things you don't wish on your worst enemy....and i don't even think i have a worst enemy...at least i hope not. now, grief is my worst enemy and it is paying hard ball, that's for sure. i can't even fight back. i am much too weak and too sad and i don't have the energy to fight back.

ok, again, i babble....

hope you all have a good day.....

love to all......diane

[westleysmom]

ADAM-A beautiful smile that lights up a room. Forever loved and missed

Thinking of you today and saying your name

[mikesmomrs]

{{{{{{Diane}}}}}} I wish these could be real hugs, but they are truly as real as our heart makes them...holding you close. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this.

My son died on a Saturday, and it was a very long time before I could look at it with any kind of happy anticipation...I was still working at the time, and we had always looked forward to the weekends...but all of a sudden that stopped....just something else gone from our lives. But, over time we have been able to allow that day to bring some sun in to our lives...over a long time.

My heart to you...

[mikesmomrs]

ADAM ADAM ADAM ADAM...

Surround your mom and dad with your sweet spirit today...let them know that you are with them, always. Sending hugs to you, Terrie and Paul.

[dwsmithrn]

carol....thank you....i'm hoping, that one day, friday will be friday, even though i know that i will always know in my heart what friday means to me....but, that i can just get up and do something other than just be sad.

thanks.....diane

[mysonrich]

Adam, Adam, Adam, thinking of the memories of you that your mom shared with BI. So loved by your mom and dad and forever loved,forever missed.

[hotrod]

Hi PamAndy'sMom

I do not see Andy's handsome face when you post To change that

Click on your Picture in the upper right hand corner.

Then clik "Change my Profile"

You will get a screen that has many options

In the left corner will be a selection

Change my avatar Click on that

It will show your current avatar (picture) and tell you how to change

Good Luck

[ericasmom]

Diane, so hard but you did do it. I know that your Daughter is proud of you and happy inside because she had some Momma time. HOORAY!

Pam, six weeks, a short time while at the same moment, a long long time, a lifetime ago before the world changed. I am not seeing Andy's photo, only saw it in one of your posts, so it probably has to do with your profile page...

[westleysmom]

Diane-I feel the same way most of the time, although before I thought that prayer did help, now I have my doubts. Its like Karen said, my faith is another piece of me that is shattered and useless for now. I hope someday to be able to find enough pieces to assemble something like the faith I had before when I thought I lived a charmed life and that God loved me and mine. I'm afraid it will be a long time coming. I'm so sorry that it is being so hard for you right now, I know your daughter appreciated you going out with her yesterday. My daughter is expecting another baby, too. I only have the one grandchild so far, Westley was so young and didn't even have a girlfriend that I knew of. So no little blue-eyed dark haired grandsons from him, ever. That is something that still breaks our hearts, although I wouldn't want a child to grow up without their daddy, you know what I mean. Peace friend, and strength for the day I wish for you.

Pam-I could see Andy's picture in your post, (but not beside your name on the left), what a good-looking boy. Peace to you to at the 6-week mark, where the numb (if you were ever lucky enough to have it) may be wearing off, leaving you breathless. I felt for a long time like I wasn't even breathing at all, but then I was in so much pain that I could feel his absence from the world with everything that I am. That pain still comes to visit sometimes and takes off its coat and settles in for a few days, like an uninvited relative that you can't think of how to get rid of. Because its part of you. I know I'm not making sense, but that is what I do here when I start rambling, try to make sense of the insanity that has come into my life, into all our lives.

Susannah-Sorry to hear of the death of the kids Grandma. You're right, though sad, it is somehow easier to accept the death of someone who has lived a long life than someone who has not even begun to really live.

Karen-Thanks for your words, you often write exactly what I'm thinking. Susannah does that too a lot of times.

Colleen-I hope someday to be able to rejoice in the days, for now I'll have to settle for getting through them. I don't know why this week has been so hard, it just has.

Hope everyone is having as good a day as possible, thinking of you all daily and holding you close

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, you make perfect sense Sweetie, and it is not rambling to speak your heart, your ache. It is grieving and it is what takes you from this day to the next.

[dcrouse05]

Hello Everyone,

I'm new here and just wanted to say "Hi" and I am so sorry we have to be here. I was wondering if anyone could recommend some good books. I have read a few and I'm almost finished with my lasy one, The Shack, and would like to pick up another before I finish this one.

I am glad there are site like this for us to come to because other people just don't understand the pain and heartache. I also belong to Legacy/Loss of a child and I come to these sites everyday and read the posts.

Denise

[Crystal16]

Denise,

I am reading a good book vurrently called Heaven is for real. A little boy who tells his story about sitting on Jesus lap and watching his father pray when he was on deaths door. It is a true story....

[ericasmom]

Hi Denise, so sorry that you too are in this situation, I have read many novels and memoirs that have to do with losing a young one: Name All the ANimals by Alison Smith is excellent and while it is memoir, it reads like a novel. Paula by Isabelle Allende' is fabulous, about the author's daughter who passed away from illness, The Sum of our Days also by Isabelle Allende' about the years following Paula's death, about how everyone in the family has gotten on since Paula died... there are many but these have made a good difference in my life. I lost Erica nearly 8 years ago, hard to believe that this much time can go past without her physically here, but we are here for reasons we also find.

Love,

dee

[crystalann]

Hello all. I hope everyone is having the best day they can.I must go get groceries today. I think the kids might be sick of me not doing it.We never really ate out to many of us but thats all we have been doing guess they are sick of it and want mom to cook again.I will try for them.Got up today thinking about songs i remember singing with my mom and dad in church as a child in Oklahoma.Looked a few up.Maybe thats my faith trying to get thru this pain.I remembered a song I came across when looking for music for my moms service. She loved the Footprints poem and all my kids read a verse at her service. They love it to! It will be in the year book this year with pics of him my childrens request.Anyway I wanted to share this song with you in case you havent heard it. Footprints in the sand - by Leona Lewis Love and Hugs to all Crystal

[shorty16]

All

Terri and Paul send many Thanks for thinking of their son, Adam today on his 3rd Angelversary.

They are traveling and do not have access to a computer.

Colleen

[zachysmom]

Adam

Adam

Adam

May your family be blessed with many signs that you are with them today.

Just wanted to let everyone know I will be working on the angelversary dates over the weekend. I will let you all know when I have finished with the list of them. If your information is not on the list just let me know and I will add it.

[lolynbo]

WHY OH WHY DO I HAVE TO BE RELATED TO IDIOTS....MY NEPHEW AND HIS WIFE JUST GOT THEIR 2 CUTE KIDS TAKEN AWAY CUZ OF THEIR HOUSE BEING FILTHY MCNASTY AND OH YA THEIR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER HAD A BROKEN ARM (FOR 2 DAYS THEY DIDNT NOTICE)...MY BROTHER HAS HIS GRANDKIDS AND THE PARENTS BLAME EVERYONE BUT THEMSELVES.....GEEEEZZZ IDIOTS.

IM BEING LAZY MY JAW IS STILL SORE BUT IM UP AND AROUND NOW....ROOT CANALS SUK...THINK I GOT THE PANAMA GOING ON IN MY MOUTH...

ADAM ADAM ADAM....SWEET SMILING ADAM.....

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Beautiful, I hope everyone including myself, could be blessed with the signs that our children are still with us in spirit!

My Daughter's Angel date's are; Vanessa> 02/05/11 & Kailey> 02/08/11 Thank You for adding them to the calendar.

Adam

Adam

Adam

May your family be blessed with many signs that you are with them today.

Just wanted to let everyone know I will be working on the angelversary dates over the weekend. I will let you all know when I have finished with the list of them. If your information is not on the list just let me know and I will add it.

[Guest msnher]

Hi Everyone;

Lorri - That breaks my heart! I hope your nephew and his wife get the help they need for their kid's sake.

Denise - I'm sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you said hello. From the picture I assume you lost your son? I hope you will tell us about him when you are able or want to. No suggestions on books from me, but I bet you'll get some good ideas from others.

Beth - That's sweet that you're putting together another angel list. Thanks!

I can't remember who I've "talked" to or not and I don't want to repeat myself so I'm just saying I've read everyone's posts and my love goes out to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I had a hard day yesterday! Probably, from the lack of sleep the night before. I argued with my husband about things that I've suppressed for a long time. He accused me of purposely starting arguments and fighting with him. He really doesn't understand the emotional status that I'm in. He doesn't listen to me when I try to tell him how I'm feeling. I keep telling him I want to run away from everything, especially my life and all my responsibilities. Which is something he knows I would never do. I tell him I don't care about anything anymore and his reply is "oh that's a good thing to tell your children, that you don't care about them and want to run away" He turns everything around and makes me look and feel bad for grieving. Plus, he always reminds me I have "living Children" and should be NORMAL for them. It's so hard to deal with someone like him that thinks you should "Just get over it and move on". He has always had a very sarcastic personality and really doesn't think about how others perceive what he says and how hurtful it could be to other people. I probably wouldn't feel as bad as I do, if he would have let me grieve the way I wanted to in those first days after the funeral. All I wanted to do was lay in bed and not have to do anything! I wanted him to take care of everything and let me rest, cry, think or do whatever I wanted to do like not eat or shower if that's what I chose to do. The point is I needed ME TIME and didn't want to fill my head with responsibilities. But, he wouldn't let me do that. He forced me up and out. If I refused to get out of bed he would call in my friends, family or who ever it took to get me up and functioning. Not once did he leave me alone to grieve. He even took time off from work to ensure I didn't have pity time. He literally pushed my other children on me and made me deal with their problems instead of mine. I guess this was his way of supporting me through this tragedy. Under any other circumstances his sarcastic behavior doesn't really bother me b/c I know that's who he is and he really doesn't mean any harm. But, with my current situation I'm ready to explode on him. Or, maybe I just want to explode and he seems like the likely candidate because there isn't anybody else to hail my wrath on.

I accually do understand he was doing what he thought was the best thing for me. I think he though, I would sink into a deep depression and never survive losing my girls. He knows with out a shadow of a doubt that my children are the very most important thing in my life and that I live for them. I told him when we first started dating to never put me in a situation where I had to decide between him and my children because i will chose my children every time. I have told him many times that there is no greater love then the love I have for my children. He has always accepted that and has never had a problem being second best to my kids. :-) Reality is, he had a very strong loving bond with them to and often took their side's over me! Funny thing is it was my daughter Vanessa that fixed my Husband and me up! She came home one day and said to me, I just met your future husband! I laughed at her and said I didn't want another husband. She drove me crazy, begging me to go out with him. After a couple months, I finally gave in and told her okay. But, I made her promise she would NEVER EVER talk about him again and never try to fix me up with anyone ever again. She promised and got extremely happy that I agreed to go out with him. She even tried to tell me what to wear on my date! I had no intentions on liking this guy or ever going out with him again. I was just fulfilling my part of the agreement between my daughter and myself. I didn't even fix myself up or put any makeup on. I just went as me... no fussing to try and impress anyone. But, I was in for a big surprise! From our first date we have been together! He has always Loved and Thanked Vanessa for fixing us up. He was just as excited as me to the prospects of Vanessa getting married and having children so we could be grandparents.

God, I miss Vanessa so much! She was my Best Friend! I miss Kailey so much too, she was my life!

[aim630]

Lori-It's so hard when those around us think they know what's best for us. I have no doubt your husband didn't want you to sink into a deep depression, but sometimes we just need that time to do absolutely nothing but cry. I didn't want to even leave the house for months afterwards. My husband is Ashley's stepdad, although we met when she was 2, and got married when she was 3 1/2, so he was around most of her life. He was hard on her (clash of personalities), so I still feel a lot of anger at him. He wanted what was best for her and did not understand that him yelling at her to be more responsible was not going to make her change. He collapsed at the hospital when they were trying to re-start her heart, could not function at all at the funeral home. He sobbed and said he could not leave her. I said "that's not her anymore". I couldn't stand to look at her that way, lifeless. So I know it affected him deeply too, yet I'm still angry at him. I felt guilty about having a good time with my other daughter Katie after Ashley died (my only other child, although I have 3 step-children I have known since they were pretty little). This has to be doubly difficult on you, losing both Vanessa & Kailey.

Well, have to make dinner...will try to catch up more later

Amy/Ashley's mom