Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Tyler's Mom

"He said if something ever happened to him, he would really mess with us"

That made me laugh. I can just see Tyler and Brian laughing and setting up these jokes on us.

Thanks for making me laugh this morning.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[crystalann]

It must be a trick that I cant see the sunrise on here and I did it twice. Im glad you laughed!

[ModKonnie]

Hi everyone,

I have heard from Diane, Nathan's mother (sadlady). She is okay, but not doing so well. I have sent her an email and asked her to go to the Emergency Room, or to call 911 to get help getting to the hospital. I also gave her the number to a suicide prevention hotline, and asked her to please put in a call to her doctor immediately. I also asked her for her phone number in case she is unable to help herself.

Thank you all for continuing to care for her. Please keep her in your thoughts and continue to support her with your kind words.

If you find yourself unable to continue, please call 911 and get help. You are all important and very much cherished here.

ModKonnie

[ericasmom]

I see it Tyler's Mom, and it is beautiful and my heart immediately said, yes, that is Tyler giving you a big hug, a big message with the music in the background, and messing with you.Go Tyler!

Diane, please hang on Sweetie, and ModKon, thanks for finding out that Diane is still hanging on. Diane, the why of it all is not going to happen right now, so now is the HOW? HOW to breathe in a world without your Son, how to live with and work through the anger you have, how to find ways to honor Nathan in each day, how to honor your life and the lives around you. All of that will come, but right now, HOW to stay living on this planet today, then tomorrow...

[lolynbo]

WHO EVER MADE THE VIDEO...ITS GREAT BUT BONNIE SAID THE PIC OF "JASON" ISNT JASON...(I THOUGHT TO MYSELF IVE NEVER SEEN THIS PIC OF JASON)...

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[lolynbo]

ITS A WONDERFUL TRIBUTE....IDK WHO MADE THE VIDEO, NOT FEELING WELL MYSELF....SHE SAW THAT I HAD POSTED THE VIDEO ON FB AND COMMENTED IT WASNT JASON...DONT FEEL BAD U DID A GREAT JOB AND WE ARE ALL IN AWE OF IT...JUST THINKING OF THEM IS AMAZING IN ITS SELF...

[daveydow1]

Dee----These little signs of spring brings hope to our hearts. So many of dear ERi's organs donated to

bring others a better life. And.....to think that her eyes still "see". I can understand how you would have a warm

heart just thinking of it. I guess that my Davey may not have elected to be a donor if they asked him at the

license bureau .....not sure. Anyhow, it is not important anymore (for him). Last night, I was listening to

one of the call-in radio shows, and people were calling in to tell of guardian angels rescuing them from

terrible accidents, and illnesses. I couldn't help feeling envious, and a bit jealous about their stories.

While being glad that they survived, I had such a ache in my heart......thinking......"where was Davey's

angel when he got crushed by the truck".??........."where were the guardian angels of ALL our kids here at

BI ?? "Where was Lisa's guardian angel when she choked and went into a coma" ? David had one

of those Guardian Angel clips that goes on the visor in the car, ----I had bought one for each of the kids.

We never saw it after his death, and never found it among all his things. I guess that it might have

brought protection to all the other 25 people involved in the terrible crash......(.no one else was killed) ,

but it didn't bring any protection for him. Guess I shouln't feel that way, but I'm a bit 'grumpy & down'

after hearing that program. ........you know what I mean? I feel angry at God, and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

Amy------Nice to hear that you wear Ashley's necklace, and that Katy wears hers too. Dave bought me a necklace

at a second-hand store once when he was about 10. It has a large imitation turquoise set in the middle, and

is on a chain. I wear it now & then. I will always keep it, as I have all these 30 yrs. It's like gold to me.

Peace and tranquility to all INDIGOS.

[Guest msnher]

Konnie - Thank you for checking on Diane and updating us. Diane I'm praying for you. Damn that any of us have to be here!

I can't respond to everyone right now. Sending love and light!

[JeremiahDomanoski]

my first day here really confused so just want to say am glad i got here.an thanks for being here

[JeremiahDomanoski]

I agree

Konnie - Thank you for checking on Diane and updating us. Diane I'm praying for you. Damn that any of us have to be here!

I can't respond to everyone right now. Sending love and light!

[Guest msnher]

(((((Phyllis))))) You found us! Everyone, please allow me to introduce a very dear friend, Phyllis. Unfortunately, Phyllis qualifies to be here. However, that is her story to tell. When you are ready, Phyllis, please tell us all about Jeremiah. I hope you'll post a picture of your beautiful son. Phyllis and I are fortunate because we have a wonderful group of friends who love us....but, even they don't understand this journey...the journey none of us would ever want to belong to. These people have become my extended family, Phyllis. They literally saved me life after Stephanie died. Oh, guess what, Everyone...Phyllis knew Stephanie! Pretty cool, huh?

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Hi Phyllis, welcome though I know that may sound odd, to say welcome to a grief site, but you know, welcome. I have been here a long long time, 7 years adn counting. I know this about grief Phyllis, it takes time and energy and it is the hardest thing you've ever known, but we are here for that reason, some of us 'oldies', to let you see that there are many of us here all at different stages adn that we make it. We do get through the tunnels and up the slopes and out of the pits and while we will always grieve our Baby, we will one day feel human again, we will one day know how to live again.

I am glad taht you have a friend here that can ease you in. I am dee, my girl is Erica. Died at 19 when her car was struck by an Amtrak at a broken grade crossing in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We live in Chicagoland area, ERica was living there with her Brother, my Son, Jon. This happened in July of 2003.

Hey, I didn't think that it looked like Jason either but I did not mention it...sorry.

[westleysmom]

Phyllis-I'm so sorry to hear of your loss, but glad you have found us here with Susannah's help. This place has been a blessing and life saver for me. Everybody here gets it, which I know we would all change if we could. But since we can't, we can be here for each other.

Sharon-I hope you got some rest today. I have found that the "months" anniversaries have become less unbearable as time goes by. But you are still early, and you are doing as good as you can, and that's all anyone expects of you. Hugs

Karen-Your advice is very good. I still have a glass of wine every now and then, but I try not to when I'm feeling down already. I know that it makes me feel more sad if I'm already in a funk, so I avoid it when I'm there. I just watched the video again, I love to see all the angels. You're so good at all the techie stuff, I am backwards about all that.

Colleen-I don't feel like I'm helping much of the time, but it helps to share what you've learned with newer parents. I hope I don't sound preachy, I know some days I don't take my own advice or anybody's for that matter. But I could never have imagined when I found BI that I would make so many friends and share so much of what I feel with people I've never met. It is hard to share this stuff with people who don't know, which are most of my friends/family. They love you, but they have no idea what you're talking about. I think I've used the analogy before about when you first had a baby, and you were trying to explain something about being a mom to a friend who didn't have kids yet. They have no frame of reference, and its hard to share. But not here.

Sherry-I so know what you mean about where the heck was my baby's guardian angel and what's he doing for a living now, having failed miserably at his most important task? I get mad at God and then myself for getting mad. It's a vicious circle, and I have to jump off when it starts spinning too fast, but it is oh so hard. I have a few things that Westley gave me over the years that I get out sometimes and wear too.

Lorri-Hope you feel better soon.

Konnie-Thanks for checking on Diane, I think we are all worried about her. Diane-Sending you hugs and hope that you are back with us soon.

Trudi-if I didn't say so (I forget stuff I did all the time) I loved the pics of you and Mike and Harmony and Mike.

Dan-Visited Nick's new site. It is beautiful.

Dee, Susannah, Betty, Betsy, Crystal, Crystal 2, Amy, Bonnie, Greg, Beth, Marcia, Leah (where are you?), Carol (hope you're feeling better), all I didn't mention by name-Thinking of you and wishing you have sweet dreams tonight of your angel.

[ericasmom]

Sometimes I think that our Children's guardian angels were right there with them, carrying them off to never hurt again, an express flight to the next place. One never knows how many times before that fateful day, that a possible guardian angel act was carried out, but maybe the kindest act of all was to help them leave, not to live out their lives hooked up to machines or without the lives that they dreamed of. DOn't know, wondering on screen.

Sharon, two months is a mark of time, those marks of time are horrid cuts into our spirits, they tag a whole day with a ticking of a slow clock each month. The monthly counts were once used to answer the question, " oh, how old is your baby?" The wonderful count of a clock that ticked so quickly, time just flew as our Babies grew, and now time takes on a whole new force, an abstraction, and it ticks so loudly in those first months. I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling, please know that each of us certainly get the sharp edge of waking each day in this grief.

[crystalann]

Well i thought today started well.Then Justin called from school said he was having a hard time. He has missed some much and his grade lets just say they are the lowest.I told him to talk to the conceler at school.He called back bawling on his way home she had said stuff that just made it worse like what he was feeling didnt matter.I was so mad I just talked to them yesterday and told them i think it is just hitting him and they acted like they understood.So I told them Im not sending him back and some not so kind words.He is 17 he isnt dealing well give him a break.Now my oldest Tiffany called just now sobbing said we should have been able to bring Tyler home he was suppossed to be ok! She has a baby that is 6 ms old said she is no good to him in this state so i told her to bring him to me.I am broken and to here my kids cry out for help and not know what to do is awful.I dont know how to help them Thanks for being here this is where I come when I am falling apart I dont know who else to go to.

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - it has been awhile since I have been here and it breaks my heart to see such pain.....DIANE, please please know that all here are keeping you close, holding you tight and praying that you find the help you so desperately need .....we do the best we can here but sometimes it is not enough when the pain is as overwhelming as it is for you right now.......Praying hard for you my friend.

I am asking for some prayers from all tonight.....my dad is in ICU and not doing well....he was taken on Sunday after aspirating (SP), he has pneumonia and is on oxygen. Doctor advised that no one be allowed in to see him today as he had a rough night and was finally getting some much needed sleep today. I am 1300 miles from him and want to go but my sister and mom think it best that I wait and see how things go over the next day or so. I have a bad feeling about all of this and pray that I am just being over reactive as I seem to be since losing my beautiful Jessica.....thank you to all.....

I am reading the posts but am still not able to catch up and cannot seem to find the words like I used to, I know you all understand and I thank you for that......the time will come when I will be back but for now I am content to read and pray.....please know that I love you all and you are always in my prayers and thoughts......Peace, love and strength my friends, Kathy

[mysonrich]

[mysonrich]

Things are not working tonight. I did manage to make a collage and this is the only set of pictures I can see and this was scanned.

The Eiffel Tower, A cottage,I wanted to go in. Remember that the tree's,flowers,shrubs are all “real”size, and an Angel. More angels are stuck on the CD!!!! Technology or PICNIC...Person In Chair Not In Computer. That would be me.

My popcorn is burnt to a crisp and I have to open a window!

Diane, hang on tight. We are here.

Colleen, everyday is a adventure. My world as I know it ended when Rich died and I still have a big problem with that realization. Rich died.Karen, do you charge for tech support?

I'm tired. Going to bed.Dee, Betty,Carol,Trudi,Lynn,Marcia,Susannah,Rhonda,Sherry,Lorri,Sharon, Phyllis (((hugs))), Amy,Konnie,Crystal,Kathy...let us hope and pray for a restful night, someday hearts at some kind of peace .

and, this was the last day of the show,next year, I'll get there w/i the first couple.

[aim630]

Kathy-prayers for you and your dad. I know you must be worried being so far from him, but I hope he gets to rest tonight & will be feeling better tomorrow. It is hard to stay calm about any family member being sick now that we've experienced the worst. Please let us know how he is tomorrow.

Crystal (Tyler's mom)-I'm sorry Justin and Tiffany are having such a difficult time. My daughter Katie says she has no one to talk to about Ashley & none of her friends understand. We at least have each other on here, but I haven't been able to find a sibling support group.I wish I had some advice for you, but probably some of the others who are farther along on this road might have some helpful advice. It is horrible knowing we can't fix this problem for our kids.

Sherry-I know what you mean about the guardian angels. I bought an angel ornament and hung it in Ashley's room while she was in the ICU. When they moved her to the stepdown unit, they forgot it, so her boyfriend went down and got it & we hung it in her new room. It didn't help though. We still have it hanging on our mantel, and it was the first ornament on the tree this year. Maybe Dee is right and the angels escorted our kids to a better place.I hope so.

Phyllis-I'm sorry that you have a reason to be here, but hope you visit often and tell us more about Jeremiah. Even if I don't post everyday, just reading helps me a lot.

Konnie-Thank you for checking on Diane.

Diane-If you're reading this, know we all care about you and are sending hugs and prayers your way.

Colleen-Glad you and the family had a good time celebrating Michelle's birthday, and got to feel some happiness. 21 is exciting. I bet Brian was smiling and sending his love to all of you, and was also glad you got to feel some joy!

Well, goodnight to everyone: Susannah, Dee, Betty, Betsy, Carol, Lorri, Sharon, Rhonda, Karen, Dan, Crystal, Trudi, Jenn, Jenna's mom, Leah...hope I did not forget anyone!

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Betsy, thanks for posting the garden show photos, are the pinks the ones that reminded you of me and Eri? I love the angel, so grand, and the whole deal looks super pretty. Thanks, I needed some pretty today. Now i will go to bed thinking of flowers-fleurs.

Christie, what the hell school would not be more on top of things with your Son after he lost his brother? Poor Baby, I wish I could hold him and tell him it will wash out one day, but right now I would like to slap those teachers or principal. Are there social workers at his school? Get a hold of them and ask what the hell? Your Boy should be given extra time to complete his studies due to this extremely difficult time adn they should also be asked if your Boy can be provided a tutor to help him get his grades up so that he can graduate with his class. Now on the flip side, many kids who suffer so great a loss like this, take a semester off adn graduate late so that they can just find their way for a while, but in home tutoring should be an option. I am sorry Christy, this point in time is showing itself to be that the shock is wearing off adn the reality for Tyler's siblings is hitting home. Loss is loss, there is not one thing that can make that pain not be so. Your Daughter a new mom and dealing with grief, so hard. I wish that I could help.

My heart and prayers to you all.

Love dee

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[mikesmum]

Karen - Back in '09 there were 6 of us in a conference room in MN trying to put pictures of BI angels on boards. There were many faces I knew, some I didn't and others I connected with, without even knowing. If you got one pic wrong, you certainly did well. Thanks for all your efforts in showcasing our precious children.

Kathy - I know how hard it is for you to be away from your dad. Prayers for him to rest well and gain the strength to overcome this battle. I know Jess is with him...don't ask me how, I just know.

Dianne - One thing I forgot to tell you about never wanting to wake up. I thought what would happen if I succeeded. I would get to see Mike, but then I realised his first words to me would probably be, "What are you doing here?" I truly don't think my dying would bring him peace or happiness. If anything it would bring him a great deal of sadness.

I encourage you to take it one breath one breath one heartbeat at a time...there really is no timetable, no urgency in this journey...just remember to be kind to yourself.

Had a detour from being at the ocean this week. Steven's partner Kelly had a major tear in her cornea and they asked if I could take the 'busy' Miss Jeya. After a sleepover here, I picked Zak up and took him to school, Jeya to preschool. I stayed and did 'fruit duty'. Just watching this precious baby paint, glue and sculpt dough bought a smile and warmed the darker corners of my heart.

This is watch Mike would want me to be doing.....

Back to the study....research paper due 27th, same day as Mal's 60th party....OMG what was I thinking....

[mysonrich]

Karen, I love the video and the song stays with me throughout the day. Beautifully sad but, all that lives on. I think its a CD driver. No patience lately to play around with that. There was a time when I would work for hours to fix things. No more. Time for a card-reader.

Dee, the pictures that I really wanted to share are not posted. I was holding up the line at CVS so I couldn’t' really do what needed to be done. I'll get to it.A rainy morning . Warmer weather to follow.

The terrible,hellish black pit. Hanging on by my fingertips for months at one time. I ventured out and asked for help. Still there are days that I feel the void , the open air, the darkness that lurks on a thought.

To all indigo’s that find themselves at that place. As hard as it is, reach out.

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

Sending you all love today....

Bad day yesterday, missing my little girl something awful. I went to her grave and cried so hard that I have a red spot in my eye today (probably burst a blood vessel) Haven't done that in awhile so I suppose I needed the release (?)

Tomorrow is my birthday and I'm guessing that has a lot to do with missing her so dearly right now.

I'm not good with remembering all your names but I keep you all close and hold you up in my thoughts and prayers.

Jenn

[shorty16]

Karen

I think you did a great job on the video - You got Jason's truck right, I was in that truck - needed a step ladder.

Also, I am humbled and honored that you share your stories with us. It is amazing how close we can feel to people who share our grief.

Indigos

Yesterday, I received bumper sickers from Angel Images - Greg's business (Brian's Dad) Not my Brian.

I purchased 9. "I am an Angel's Brother" is already on Aaron's car (The cavalier was my mom's car, then my car, then Brian's car, then my car again, now Aaron 's car). They are beautiful. I also purchased "Friend" ones that I am going to give to Brian's closest friends.

They can be ordered off the website "Angel Images"

Thinking of all my Indigo friends as we face another day without our kids. We walk this same path together, some leading, others attending, and others hanging on by a thread. I am having a good day, so I would like to be attending those that are not. It has been 2 years, 9 months and 26 days for our family. I do not feel that sick-to-my-stomach feeling all the time anymore. I am able to breath normally now and our kids are still trying to find their place in the family where the middle caved in. That is getting better though. It will get better,

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Karen - I love the love you put into the video.

Trudi - I'm glad you said what you did about if you took your own life Micheal wouldn't be happy to see you, but sad.

Crystal - amidst your own pain you still understand your children's need to grieve. I'm glad you allowed your son to leave school and your daughter to come over with her baby. When we share our grief it is slightly easier to bear.

Diane - I hope you will be able to check back with us today. My comments about leaving a note were spoken too soon on this journey for you. I apologize. My family uses humor, sometimes dark humor, to survive the unfathomable. At James' (my nephew) funeral we made such a big deal about the fact he didn't leave a note and therefore could not have killed himself. All these years later when someone gets really discouraged and says they just want it all to end someone will add, "well, leave a note." It usually makes us laugh and the dark period evaporates...somewhat. Just enough to get us to the next breath. Sweetie, wanting to die...thinking you have no reason to go on...is normal. And, quite frankly, if I thought this life was all there was it would even be a viable solution. But, I know this life is not all there is. I know it because "I see dead people". Well, not literally. Except for Zachy. I saw Zachy. A couple of times. The day after I joined BI and then in my dream/visit to the heavenly realm.

A few of the angels here have visited me and sent messages to their mothers. The one I can share is when Lorri's daughter, Kourtney, came to me one morning and tole me to tell her mother to "quit trying so hard". The message didn't make sense to me at all but I've learned to deliver them because they don't leave me alone if I don't. Turns out at the time I was receiving the message Lorri happened to be kneeling/crying at Kourtney's grave saying "I know I try too hard." Now, it would have been nice if Kourtney left instruction so Lorri would know how to quit trying so hard, but she didn't.

There are others that I am not at liberty to share. They're not my stories to share. They belong to the person I delivered it to. Except the last and most powerful visit I've ever had was from Trudi's Micheal. His visit literally changed the direction of my life. Well, maybe not the direction, but the attitude I have on my journey.

I don't tell you (or anyone else) this so you will believe ME....I tell you all this so you believe there is life after the physical clothing is shed. That knowledge won't take away your grief. It certainly didn't take away mine (much to my dismay) but it will hopefully give you the strength to take that next breath...feed your body.

I don't know the details concerning Nathan's suicide, but I still don't think he intended to die. I still sense a lot of joy. He is your family's biggest cheerleader. I'm not sure if he wsan't trying to commit suicide at all, or if he changed his mind one second too late.

Anyway, my whole point is, this life is not the end. Nathan is more alive than he ever was in this life. All our children are.

Greg - I have received my bumper stickers yet. Have they been mailed?

Love to all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

[mysonrich]

Bike with Ivy. Rich always left his bike in a similar place.

Here I see all our angels. They have something to tell us.

Trudi, Mike was here. This was Springtime in Paris, with a little Irish!

Betty, Monet. Hard to make out the boxwood and other greenery.

Dee, your bike complete with flowers. They had to rope this off. Guess people wanted to take it for a ride.

Sherry, Pincushion flower? No stems.

Butterfly or fly

turkey

Individual Blue Ribbon Winner

Best In Show

I hope this adds a measure of cheer to this day. Or, takes our minds away if only for a minute.

[mysonrich]

double

[crystalann]

Well up with my grandson. My husband will be here on 20 mins. Then i dont know what to look forward to.Tyler always told me he saw ghosts when he was little he said it alot still said it when he was older and said he waa used to it now.I always beleaved him never told him he didnt.

[ericasmom]

Indeed Betsy, you added a large measure of joy to my day adn I dare say, to others here. Thanks so much. I love the bike, want to go riding and in fact, this day's warmth, in the 50's, reminds me that soon I will be. Thanks so much.

Christy, give Baby a big hug for us here, and a giant one for her Grandmom.

[hoosiermom]

Colleen

My oldest daughter turns 23 on April 23 and I'm trying to remember what you called those birthdays when the age matches the day.....would like to make it special for her.

My youngest daughter turned 8 on April 4, 2004 and she insisted that I put 04-04-04 on her birthday cake <chuckling>

Lots of birthdays coming up in my little family and they are as hard as the holidays it seems, a reminder that time marches on but Brianna will be forever young, forever 15. I still look at her last school picture in disbelief, like I can't accept that it will be the last one I ever have.

Jenn

[ericasmom]

Jenn, those are called Golden Birthdays when the number is their number...My Girl was born on04-04-84.

[Crystal16]

Went to court today… the trial has been extended again until June 7th. When I first saw Dylan I was flooded with emotions I wanted to walk up to him, look him in the eyes and say why?? However when he and is parents were laughing and making light of the proceedings I wanted to kick the **** out of him and remind him you pointed the rifle at my daughters face and pulled the trigger, she’s dead A******.

I left that courtroom feeling discouraged and angry wondering why… I was searching for different radio stations/music to hear so I could get my thoughts off of my anger and on to something else. Then suddenly Ashlee’s song “If I die young” came on God shine a rainbow down on my mother so she knows I’m okay and suddenly I started to cry feeling a sense of peace come over me. Not only did that make me feel Ashlee’s/Gods presence I came into work and had roses delivered to me at 8:00am in the morning that were long stemmed roses that the gentleman I am dating asked to have them the color of the rainbow. He did not see my FB three minutes prior to my posting at 10:00 am. Scott had already requested this arraignment that reaffirmed my faith that God is always working on your behalf to give you hope and a future. Only a GOD thing could have made that happen…….

Hugs to al, I pray you have peace today and God surrounds you with his love!

[shorty16]

Crystal

The rainbow story is amazing. When things like that happen, coincidence just does not cut it. That is faith in a loving God where we will see our kids again.

I am sorry the murderer affended you, but I am sure that is all he knows how to do. Did you make eye contact with the Judge? Even if you cannot add anything verbally, your presence alone is enough. You are stronger and more influencial than you may know. The Judge sees more than we think. I am sure this Judge saw the "laughing" and made a mental note of it or even wrote it down.

These court hearings are very difficult. But this one is over and enjoy the day for what it is.

Thank you for sharing your story. This gives all of us a little bit of sunshine in our days.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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[ericasmom]

Karen, those birds sound like starlings, how cool that one hung on to see what you were up to, a message of love. Makes one wonder, those winged creatures that flutter into our lives...winged spirits of goodness/.

Crystal, I am thrilled that you were given a message today too, several of them, The song, the rainbow and the flowers rainbow- like. What magic exists in the day, letting you know that you are being loved for all of time by your Beautiful Daughter.

I agree with Karen Colleen, a beautiful way to state what and who we are.

[daveydow1]

Phyllis-----I, too, would like to welcome you to this site.........a site nobody ever wants to be on. It is a good

place to come, and everyone understands your pain and sorrow. Please come back to BI.

Sharon----Hang on, friend. The 2 mo. mark is so very early, and I know that to you, it may seem like it

is like forever. We're all here to help, if we can. Prayers.

Chrystal----Sending thoughts & prayers for Justin, Tiffany and you. Siblings have a rough time after a

brother or sister passes on. It sure leaves a 'hole' for everyone----a certain emptiness. Bless their hearts.

Betsy-----Yep-----I agree....the collage pics are definitely a 'spirit lifter'.....thanks for posting.

Rhonda-----I have one of the guardian angels still in my car, ....but I rarely look at it. I so wanted the one

that Davey had in his car, but never got it back. I wanted to send my dear son-in-law to the impound lot

at the Highway Patrol barracks, to look for it. I called, and a rude male clerk said "we can't just let anybody

go to the demolished cars." I answered........." I'm not just ANYBODY.....I'm the mother of the guy who was

killed in that car". Though my son-in-law did look.......the medal could not be found in the mangles mess

that was only about 2 ft. in heighth after that horrific wreck. Guess I sound harsh........this was just within

days of the wreck that took Davey's life.

Amy-----I'm sorry that Ashley's guardian angel got misplaced, but am glad that you got it back, and that it

is now on your Xmas tree in the season. I certainly would have hung onto Davey's medal too if we had

gotten it back. It's just sad that none of our kids.....here on BI.....had their guardian angel to rescue them.

Karen----You are right........how could we be angry at God, if we didn't still have some belief in him? But----

though I feel guilty for having such feelings of anger.......they still persist at times. Yikes......what a rough

road of roller coaster emotions we go through on this lousy road.

Dee----I guess we must try to think that......."it was just their time to go". That is a saying that my dad always

would say. But,.....it can be difficult when you think of our kids, and how their lives were cut short at such a

young age. I know I sound like a grouch today.

Crystal----I, so understand your emotions in the courtroom. My husband and I had the same emotional

turmoil in the courtroom.So good that you heard the song on the car radio, and sweet Ashley was surely

telling you that she was ok. So rude and heartless of those people to be laughing and snickering in the court. I , too,

hope that the judge took note of that unfeeling behaviour. Peace to you, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[westleysmom]

Sherry-I'm sorry that the Highway Patrol people weren't more sympathetic. Those first days are such a nightmare anyway, so surreal. I guess for them it happens everyday, but it always happens to someone else, so they don't understand how hurtful their words are. Hugs

Crystal-I heard that song yesterday afternoon when I was almost home and was sobbing by the time I got there. I'm sorry that the court date was rescheduled and now you have to dread it all again. I hope the rainbow messages from dear Ashlee helped some.

Colleen-So glad that you are having a good day, we all deserve one sometimes.

Karen-That does sound strange. I couldn't get to the new video, not sure what I did wrong. Thank you again for making those for us.

Betsy-The pictures from the flower show were so beautiful. Thanks for posting them.

I'm sure there were others I wanted to say something to, but can't see them anymore and don't want to lose my post. I guess I should do in Word like some of you and then copy over, but always in a hurry. Beautiful weather here today and I got a letter from Susan yesterday. She is having to do work on her house planning to sell and has started working on Andrew's room. I still haven't done anything in Westley's and don't know when I will get my head on straight to tackle it. We're not moving, so I don't have to, so I'm not. The day after my golden birthday (15) I was in a car accident and almost died. I guess it just wasn't my time. I hope everybody has a good evening and maybe a sweet dream of your angel.

[ericasmom]

Oh Karen, they may be grackles too, don't know.

Sherry, you sound grouchy? Hardly, you sound like a woman whose life has been altered not once but twice, and who stands next to everyone here in their darkest moments. You are a Sweet Ray of Light.

[kmb22]

A friend mentioned they may be grackles too. I looked at pictures of both; it's a little tough to tell but I think they were grackles. I had no idea there were so many types of starlings either. They are amazingly beautiful but I just don't know how people learn some from others. The cardinal returned too, that one I do know.
 

[aim630]

Jenn & Dee-Katie was born on 4-4-93. She turned 11 on 4-4-04, and will be 18 in a few short weeks.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[summergirl]

Thank you for your prayers for my dad...he is doing a bit better today but as the doctor says "he is not out of the woods yet". He will remain in ICU until he can breathe without the oxygen and the pneomonia is better.

Can someone please tell me how to find Greg's website so I can order some stickers.....thanks so much

Am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers as always...much love Kathy

[ericasmom]

Kathy, how old are your folks? Are they in Iowa? I hope that Dad continues to heal and strengthen.

Betsy, prayers continue for your Sis-in-law.

Beth, prayers for Elisha to continue to receive the help she needs and for your father in law too, to continue gaining on his illness.

Amy, how dear that three great Gals have that birthday among us. I myself love the numbers. It is said that 4 is the holiest number among most Native tribes and some ancient Chinese cultures as well; four being the number of directions that the winds blow, four kinds of animals on earth; winged, two legged, four legged, and fish, and 4 seasons...so happiness to our April Babies.

[Guest msnher]

Hi all,

Stephanie would have turned 29 last April 29th....we released 28 pink and purple baloons and one bigger white one.

I was running errands most the day. Did some things to help someone which took me to places I've been with Stephanie. One of those places was where Stephanie lived in transitional housing at the time of her death. The last time I was there was to pick up Steph's things. At the time I became a tiny bit manic, without realizing why. After I got home, I realized what was going on and felt like the air being let out of a balloon. Swiiiiiiiiiiiish and I exhaled. I found myself exhausted. It is interesting that my body reaction still catches me by surprise. That heaviness that fills my limbs and that lump in my throat that is a cross between swollen tonsils and a cough....the discomfort in my gut that feels a lot like fear. Grief. It just sneaks up sometimes. Sleep is still my solution.

Nite all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

April birthdays are numerous here, I believe that Greg's Son, Brian is also an April Baby. I too, am an April Girl, and Jon and Eri's Dad's birthday is the day after mine in April.

Well, we reached around 60 degrees today, so so lovely. Supposed to be even warmer tomorrow, but then a change back to late winter later on in the weekend, but I will take it as a taste of spring.

I am praying that the scientists in Japan and around the world, figure out how to stop the radiation flow in Japan, somehow stop the tragedy from continuing. Those workers inside the reactors have made a total sacrifice of their lives working in there yesterday and today. We must find other ways to create energy than the dangerous ways that we do. This sadness should inspire other ways immediately as the folks in Japan try to find a way to live in their cities and villages again.

[briansdad]

Yep Dee, Spring is bitter sweet. It reminds me of one of the best things that ever happened to me ( Brian's birth ) But also what I lost ( My future with my son in it. )

But I would never give up a minute I had with him to avoid the pain of losing him.

[mysonrich]

My mind is a sieve sometimes. No longer a steel trap. Right.:-)

on that note I wanted to say Karen, that Shawn has beautiful eyes. SO dark and bright.

Rhonda, it wasn't my time when I was 22, a car accident. It makes me wonder, did I live to give birth to two beautiful children so that they could fulfill a purpose. After reading “the 5 people I met in heaven ( something like that), as interconnected we all are, and hearing for years that we don't see the big picture, someday we will, was I spared so Rich and others could carry out a mission. Or is life happenstance as such.

Sherry, never grumpy. Sharing. You are always here for us. Strong,wise,kind.Crystal, I can see why the actions of Dylan and company would be infuriating. I'm sorry that you have to deal with that. Colleen is a smart lady and her words speak of a reality she lived. She would be best to listen to when it comes to court. I remember her days there.

Laura,my SIL, had a stent placed yesterday. She was rushed to the Er a couple days ago,couldn't catch her breath. This has help clear a path for air. Talked to Robert,brother,this morning, I will buy the plane ticket. Was worried that I would get in the way but I feel having family around may help.

Robert was always available to me after Rich died. 24/7.

cardinals, one hawk that fly’s free like Rich, other birds,deer. Way too many deer.Off I go.

Everyone, see you later.