Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Dee - You posted while I was writing. My rambling on about how much harder a child's death was not meant to take away the pain of Michael's death. I wouldn't have even written it if I had realized what today means for you. Please accept my apologies for sounding cold towards other losses. That was not my intention. I was just sorting through the different ways other losses have affected me compared to Stephanie's death. I don't mean to sound so critical. Prayers.

[ericasmom]

First off, I have not yet read your post as like you said, we were posting at the same time, just read your apology and I am going to scold you...I don't think that there is anything more awful than losing a child, Michael believed that too, and I believe that Micheal's cells began to change in reaction to the loss of Erica Eileen. Oh don't apologize, now I will go read your post.

Okay, scrolled down adn read it, so what do you think you posted that was arguable? Nothing, it is true, our Children leaving is the very hardest loss. For our Children losing their parent, equally disarming when the parent dies young I think. It too throws the balance off. Micheal was 61, early by many standards, certainly by Jon whose sister died at 19.

I had a friend say this: oh dee dee now i know the sorrow you have since Dan (an affair boyfriend adn a scumbag) left me.

NO YOU DON"T KNOW AT ALL! DO NOT EQUATE AN ILLICIT AFFAIR WiTH A SCUMBAG TO THE DEATH OF MY DAUGHTER!

[westleysmom]

Greg-That was a great story. I hope you're doing okay.

Dee-I'm so sorry that Jon has had to go through so much, it is a helpless feeling when our kids are hurting. Thinking of Michael today and the beautiful reception Eri gave him. That must have been some reunion. It is good that you talk about grief to your kids at school, but I don't think that most teachers do unless something happens during the year. I know my kids teachers didn't.

Susannah-I know what you were saying, it does seem that people try to liken the loss of your child to the craziest off the wall losses sometimes. I guess they're trying to be sympathetic or empathetic or whatever word that is. I'm sure they mean no harm, but it doesn't take much when your child is gone to set you (by which I mean me) off.

Colleen-I'm glad that you can see Brian in Aaron and it makes you smile.

All-I have some news from my daughter-her ultrasound showed 99% sure that its a boy! I had my fingers crossed for a boy, but didn't want to say so, in case it was a girl, which would have been fine too. The name she has picked is Aaron and may change, but she usually doesn't change her mind after she makes it up. They're going to use a version of Westley's middle name (Dee) for the middle name unless something changes. My SILs middle name is Dean, so they're going to spell the middle name Deen, unless they change their minds or the ultrasound is wrong. When I thought about it last night, that she was going to find out today, I cried for a while, and after she told me today I did again. I didn't want to admit to myself how much I was hoping that we would have another little boy around. I told her to call her Daddy, and I haven't talked to him yet. I'm sure he was very happy, though. I think he wanted a boy too and just didn't want to admit it either, just in case. We didn't have ultrasounds when my kids were born, so we didn't know right up until they were born what we were having. I liked it like that, I didn't like being pregnant and at least that gave me something to look forward to, finding out what the baby was! And we had to have two names the whole time, but we like to see things before we name them, and really didn't decide names until they were born. That all seems so long ago to me now, and it makes me so sad for the hopes and dreams we had when we saw them and gave them their names. Well, not for my daughter, but for Westley. You know what I mean, it is just so hard to be happy when you're so sad. But I am happy and wanted to share the news with you all.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee: Thinking of you and Jonathan today, as you remember yet another heartbreaking day in your lives...retelling the story of how Michael died was hard, I know, but thank you for sharing the wonder of it all. I hold you all close in my heart, whispering prayers for peace-filled memories to soothe your souls...sending strength especially to John.

Sus: Dee is right, there is no need for apologizing on this site, and what you wrote was from your heart...your much-scarred and yet still wonderful, big, giving heart...sending love and wishes for good thoughts to you today, as well. Also, thank you for the shout out of thinking especially of our family.

We are supposed to get 5-8 inches of snow tonight...ah, that last (hopefully) brush of winter to blanket the spring flowers already trying to poke through...good thing they are strong-willed and resiliant...like all of us here...proving every day that we open our eyes that we are resiliant, even though some days we don't feel that way. Thank God for the strength that we send each other.

sending love to all my indigo family...

[ericasmom]

good analogy Carol, we are like those earliest blooms, resilient and able to persevere no matter...thanks for your thoughts, yours too Rhonda and Sus, over the loss of Michael, he was/is a strong voice in my heart. Congrats 99% sure of the future grandboy. I am like you, never wanted to know the gender of my child and could have with Eri as I had an ultrasound due to my ENORMOUS weight gain...just a tiny girl in there, but I didn't know, thought maybe 5 were in there for all the weight I gained. Oh that little one did a number on her old Mom.

[kmb22]

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[charsng1234]

after noon all, at work trying to make it today!! Stomach ache wont go away headache pain in my heart in so big!! This life is so hard now I do not know what to do!! I am in such a awfull place wish my life was different.

[sadmomm]

Dee love to you this day and every day. You have been inspirational to me getting out and walking and swimming.. I perhaps will live again one day. it is very hard when we loose a child. I am so sorry you have lost both. Because I find some peace in the childs parent. A connection. A love .. A resemblence. Give your sona hug for me... Carrie

[Guest msnher]

Just a quick note before I rush to pick the kids up from science club.

Dee - Your "scolding" made me chuckle. I am completely comfortable posting my deepest feelings and opinions here. I feel totally accepted. However, posting the difference in pain when a child dies while someone else is posting the heartache of their children's father's death could seem insensitive IF said person (you) thought I posted it after reading your post. Kind of like scheduling a baby shower at the same time as a friend's child's funeral. Nothing wrong with a baby shower, but the timing a bit off. My timing was off. And, in the same breath, thank you for your grace. And, for knowing I meant no offense.

I think it's kind of cool that Eri's best friend's name was Susannah. Even spelled the same. I've only met one other person in my 52 years who was named Susannah...all three syllables, but she spelled it different. Just knowing that I feel a connection with Eri. Makes my heart smile. Your sharings usually do...make my heart smile.

Carol - When you are ready I hope you will talk about what's troubling you....or the new trial you are walking through. Until you are ready please know my prayers are with you always!

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

DEE THATS ONE FOR THE BOOK FOR SURE...STUPID IDIOT...

AVERY MY GRANDSON/GRANDAWG IS HOME FROM HURNIA SURGERY $325 LATER HES OK....

[Guest msnher]

Karen - Your mother telling you that if you loved her you would enunciate better left me scratching my head. Really, Mom? I mean, seriously. Now, forgive me for asking this, and let me explain first....my mother was 20% mentally retarded and even before dementia took completely over she did some weird stuff, like trying to shoot me with a banana....so, I'm wondering...does your mother have some mental "issues"?

That aside, I am so sorry for the way your family has treated you since Shawn died. I'm so glad you weren't hurt when your tire blew! I held my breath when I read that part. So many family secrets. Many of us here seem to come from that background. Perhaps it was the age when "we don't discuss such things." I remember asking my mother about her first child who died shortly after birth...the pregnancy a result of a rape. I didn't ask about the rape I just asked how long Larry lived before he died. I knew by the expression on her face I had violated her privacy..."some things are better left not talked about" was her response.

Her mother, my grandmother, lost a son. Little Kenney fell into a scalding tub of water and died. We were told about it and warned never to talk about it. When my grandfather died, my hero, we were all told never to mention Grandpa around Grandma again.

I used to think my family had the corner on dysfunction. Turns out I was wrong. When people "out there" aren't there for us, we have each other.

Love you, my friend!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - been a bit since I have been here, I went back 6 pages and still cannot catch up on all that is going on but that is ok, it is enough for me to be here and be able to read through the posts. I have been very busy at work, Tavian has started Little League practice, first game on April 11th. Have been working around the yard getting ready to put the patio and fish pond in if the weather ever decides to cooperate. Keeping a low profile mostly..

Dee - my thought are with you today as you remember Michael - as hard as it is I love how you wrote that he smiled and then left with your pink girl....I pray that Jonathan has good memories today and if he went fishing I hope his dad was right there with him.

Greg - I LOVE that story, thank you for sharing it....so true when you think about it.

I know this is a long but I have read this several times over the past couple of weeks and remember when it was first posted a long time ago....so I hope no one minds that I re-write it and share it once again.....you can see where I have changed it some to fit my life.

In February, 2006, my husband and I became members of a very exclusive club. We had been only vaguely aware of its existance, and we thought that surely a club, in a town the size of ours wouldn't have many members.

We had seen a few people who belonged to this club, but we didn't seem to have anything in common with them, so we didn't really get to know them. Now and then we read stories in the newspaper about new members being initiated into the club, but it didn't seem likely that we would ever be ones to join so we paid no attention.

The price of membership is so dear that couldn't imagine being a part of the club. We must have realized in the back of minds that people don't choose to join and pay the dues - it was done for them somehow, In fact, mo one really has any idea of how many members are selected. There are alot of theories; but much of the time the theories come from non-members who don't understand much about the club.

The "club" we are now in, although it is not an organized group, is known as "Bereaved Parents". The cost of our membership was the life of our daughter, and we, like all other members have no idea why we were selected for membership.

No one wants to be in this club, even now, months afterwards, inside our hearts and minds we continue to fight membership but there is no resigning from it, it is an automatic lifetime membership. There was no way to avoid it -- we did the best we could to keep our daughter safe, for twenty-six years we guided her through life, to have a good heart, only to have her "good heart" stop beating. Though we lay awake night after night and think of it day after day, there is no answer as to why we have been brought into this select group...we hate it and we cry out in protest but there is no way to change it.

We have learned alot since our membership began, we now understand much about the other members, in fact, we seek to be with them, to have regular get-togethers, to discuss our membership and try to understand its value.

Sometimes, those outside the club are afraid of us, fearing that if they come near us or talk with us they will be selected to become members too !! Friends, family sometimes try to ignore the membership, pretending it doesn't exist - they seem to think that will make things easier and then the members won't feel different, but it only really makes things worse.

So many times I have wanted someone to say hello and to tell me they had been thinking of me or to mention something about the absent child who still lives inside me and over-shadows all my thoughts. I have heard people say "I don't want to upset her, or remind her of her daughter, or say something that will make her cry" - I want to tell them "the only way you can make me feel worse then I already do is to pretend it doesn't exist or that it isn't as deep and painful as you surely know it is"

Have you ever experienced the feeling of having a terrible incident go through your mind, day after day, week after week, month after month wondering why it happened to you and how you could have prevented it ? Well, don't worry about reminding me of my daughter, I am thinking about her nearly twenty-four hours a day.

Sure, sometimes my mind is temporarily distracted -- it would have to be too function at all, but if you think there is even one day that goes by without my child's dearh tearing up my heart then you have no idea what the "club" is all about.

I appriciate your talking about my child or at least letting my talk about her...she was a very large part of my life and ignoring her now will really hurt me, it makes me think that you feel she is no longer important because she's gone. It hurts to think that people don't want to think about her or remember good things about her just because she has died.

I understand that you don't want to say anything that will make me cry, that sounds kind and I used to feel that way too, but now I know better. I'd rather the tears didn't come when you talk to me because they may scare you away or at least make you very uncomfortable.....but I have learned how useful and necessary they are. If I go to long without tears my body builds up a terrible pressure from the pain and grief. If you allow me to cry in your presence perhaps I won't have to cry alone, wondering if anyone else remembers or even cares about my loss.

You can't even know what will make me cry - sometimes I don't know myself. Some days I stay dry-eyed through nearly every thing and other days the slightest thing will start the tears - things you could not possibly imagine or anticipate. Not all the tears are of sorrow. Even in the midst od my anguish I sometimes cry tears of joy and relief because you have reached out; because you have confirmed that my daughter was special; perhaps because you have shared with me some precious memory about her which I had not known before.

Please don't run away from me, don't pretend her death did not occur or even worse, that she never lived ! I still love her, think of her, need to remember so please share with me and maybe we will both feel better.

I am learning that God is not punishing me, He did not cause the death of my child, but, He can help me grow through the experience - to become stronger and wiseer and more caring if I have some help. Initially, when I was told by a clun member that I would change and grow stronger through this experience I wanted to scream that if it meant giving up my daughter I didn't want to change or get stronger....but I know I have no choice about that now, she is gone, now my choice is to either let God, and friends, help me to become better; or I can choose to allow this grief to destroy me.

I have to experience the grief, I cannot pretend it doesn't hurt or hurry it along, thats what membership in this club is teaching me, I am allowing God to take an unspeakable experience and using it to start life again in a new and better way.....

Thank you - I needed to post this..... Love, strength and Peace to all, I think of all of you often and prayers each night. Kathy

[mikesmum]

People will forget what you said; People Will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them Feel." Amen

Greg - I think that story is wonderful. The words so true. Loved the video of Brian and his baby girl off to her first day at kinder.

Dee - Sitting by the window here with the sun streaming in my thoughts are with you and Jon, left here while Michael and Eri shine down with such love and such energy..

Kathy - So much wisdom gained in a blink of an eye.

Have been studying and trying to get the cobwebs out of the corners of my mind. Came across this in the chapters on Stress and Coping....

"One of the most stressful events any individual can experience is the death of a child or spouse. a stress that can take it toll for many years afterwards"

The entire chapter describes in full what we experience each day. I think I might take a walk in the sunshine...an entire chapter written on my life these past 4yrs. Won't need to study for this one........living the nightmare first hand.

[ericasmom]

Trudi, we could all submit an essay and get it published in a Psych book on grief. Someone might have to take the swears out though. Love to you in the sunshine and under every sky, loving you.

Kathy, good to read your words here tonight, they make this day ring even clearer as we travel through the tough terrain of grief and find ourselves again in a reconditioned form, with even bigger hearts which we thought impossible since all of us had once only had shattered hearts. We repair and we work adn we become people that our Children will be proud of, it takes time and so many tears, but we do it or we no longer see the lights in the sky nor the colors of flowers or the perfect sight of a fall day. One day to all the newbies, one day you too will feel the sun on your face. Give yourself time.

[shorty16]

Sus – That is exactly what I have to remember also…Other people are grieving the death of Brian also, not just me. Sometimes, I think no-one could ever feel as bad as I do. Then I look into the eyes of my husband. I can see his pain. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Greg – I do not think I have ever read that story on Stanford. Harvard must feel pretty stupid when this story is re-posted again and again. It is amazing what we do in the memory of our children. But, seeing others remember my son is my greatest joy. Thanks for sharing

Dee – I am wrapping my arms around you as you remember the day Eri’s Dad went to join her in heaven. The smile on his face before he departed said it all. What a great story.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Kathy, I agree, Your post was awesome. I have not read that either and WOW how those words ring true.

We all belong to this club that no one wants to belong to. The highest membership dues.

What a great story. Thanks for sharing it.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[aim630]

Kathy- Your words are so true.That is exactly how I feel. I wish I could print that out & show it to everyone who, luckily for them, don't belong to this club, so maybe they could understand how we feel. Thanks for taking the time to post it.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[kmb22]

Susannah - No forgiveness needed my friend. She's never been officially diagnosed with anything, she is a firm non-believer in therapy of any sort (and religion for that matter). She's beautiful, and brilliant..beyond brilliant, but sadly I'd make a pretty strong (experienced) guess, she does have serious problems. I do believe part of it was that no one talked about anything, I found out many things by overhearing conversations which weren't intending for me to hear. She also had another child before Stephen, the brother I lost. She gave him up for adoption when he was very young. I would have never known had I not overheard a conversation. I've thought of looking for him on and off through the years but the question of who would want to be a part of this comes to mind. I do say I did get a fine example of all the ways not to do things though I fear I went a little too far the other way at times. At times I've wished to be one of those folks floating in their pink clouds seemingly unaffected by life...

Kathy - Thank you for sharing your story, I don't recall reading it before. It certainly does express so many of the feelings we all share.

[ericasmom]

Forgot to tell you that someone left a lovely plexiglass square on Eri's stone the other day. I was at the cemetery adn there it was sitting next to her name. In the plexi was a verse from some poem or song...said something like; I would trade a lifetime for a day...I am thinking one of her many great friends, possibly Susannah, don't know. Made me smile to know that she is being thought of by others.

It is nightime, time for bed, to read a bit of Little Bee before my eyes slam. I dreamed last night that I was driving along a country road and others were in the car and suddenly others were along the road on foot pointing upward, upward there was an edge of color, then more, then I saw a full rainbow, and on it was written the word, RAINBOW. I wonder if that is because my word retrieval skills are so poor lately that even in my dreams I need everything to be labeled.

My husband and I went to the movies this late afternoon for a matinee to see The Kings Speech. It was wonderfully done, a beautiful heart felt movie. The heart and soul of the writing and acting were amazing.

Jonathan wrote me a short email earlier letting me know he was home, no details but simply letting me know that he was okay. I asked him some questions in my email back to him, but do not expect answers tonight, and maybe not tomorrow either. Right now I am hoping that he will get some sleep and that he will wake refreshed.

I walked a few times today, none of them lengthy but nice in the sun though chilled air. I spoke out to Michael, had a nice long talk with him, I felt good having let my words out to him. Neighbors around here might be concerned, but I don't mind if they think me odd talking to the sky. Actually I do most my talking to My Dearhearts, off the beaten path and surrounded by trees.

thanks all for your many thoughts of Michael today, his anniversary. He knew about many of you, I often told him stories of those of you I'd known for some time. He just could not bring himself to our place where we grieve together, though he thought it was a good thing to do.

Goodnight All, watch that you don't get punked tomorrow on April Fools Day. (I always get punked)

[shorty16]

Good Morning Indigos,

I need sun - BAD. My mood is down and I know it is because I live in a freezer named Wisconsin.

About this time every year, Scott and I talk about moving to a place that gets above 50 degrees in March. And each year we do not do it.

We would have to leave our family and all that we know - So that is probably why we do not.

My daughter asked me to go out with her tonight - I am so happy that my daughter feels she can spend time in a club with me. I would never have dreamed of asking my Mom when I was 21.

We must be doing something right?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Dear Karen Oh my I do believe we had the same MOM The denial, pretend and the rewriting of history was legendary. My sister and I often have time rememoring all of the strange unexplained reasoning we endured and took for granted and never challenge I am sorry for the loss of your brother and admire you clarity and healthy. understanding attitudes. I smiled at your little red sports car. I was rebuilding my life in 1987 after my husbands death in 83. I purchased a red Daytona Shelby Sports car with all leather interior and became so happy when I looked at it. I am glad the trucker stopped to help you. I also can relate to trying not to parent like mom. I too went in the opposite direction than mom and was more lenient and tried reasoning instead of rules to accomplish goals I think more rules WERE NECESSARY, although at the time I was sure I had accomplished a miracle

Dee I agree , The Kings Speech was an excellent movie so glad you saw it. It enriched my soul as well Prayers for you and Jon this week. As to the Plexiglas glass at Eri memorial site I too would trade "a Lifetime for One More Day"Sus Thanks for your honesty and compassion. I agree you say what is in my heart so very often

Greg loved the story So very powerful and a great lesson in not judging.

Trudie I am sure you will ace that chapter in your spy coarse. Glad you decided to take that walk Hope Sir Mutley accompanied you

Kathy Thanks for sharing your heart. I do believe that this terrible journey reads softer but walks so very hard. The first years are hell

Lorrie Glad your puppy is recovering

Shanesmom hope today is a little softer.

Rhonda such great news about your new expected bundle of joy. I am happy for your family

Pam, Crystal, Christy, Diane,Amy and Colleen Thanks for sharing the journey

Carol I loved your comparing us all to the strong spring flowers who are resilent

All my Indigo Family walk softly today and know you are not alone

[andy88]

Good morning all,

Kathy - I could have written those very words. Isn't it amazing how much we all share the same feelings?

Dee - Remembering your Michael today. That was a beautiful story. It touched me deeply.

Last night around 9:30, right across the street, came an ambulance, firetruck, and 2 police cars. It brought terrible flashbacks to the awful night they were at my house. My sweet neighbor had passed away. He and his wife were just getting ready to enjoy retirement. It's so sad.

I am making a conscious decision to try to find happiness today in honor of my beautiful Andy. I hope the day treats you kindly.

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[ericasmom]

Pam, sorry that you had to be jolted by the rescue squad, and sorry for your neighbor, prayers. I think that Andy must be very proud of you trying as you are, to see the sunshine. Don't be hard on yourself for the times that you find it difficult to see the good in the day, it happens to us all. Thanks for remembering Michael.

Karen, your Mom sounds like she produced in her Daughter, someone the opposite of her as far as emotion and empathy. My folks were pretty out-there as far as dysfunction, DysfunctionJunction is what we called our family. My Mom and I were tight until the truth of my Dad came to the surface, then she disowned me. So much for tight. I too love the red sport car story, the help from a truck driver...

Karen and Carol, and Betty, I hope the snow that is dogging the east coast is lighter than they predict, may we see spring on the horizon. Did you buy any dresses yesterday?

Colleen, what fun to go out with your Daughter, have a blast and yes, you are doing many things right. Blessings.

Lorri, sweet pup, get well little pup.

I am off to the chiropractor, he will hopefully help my hip flexors, which right now are tight and causing me to wake a bit often in the night, along with my other waking, I was up a lot last evening. Oh well, onward.

[crystalann]

Morning all! Yesterday was a nice day almost 80 here. Tryed to go outside ans water all the trees.Doesnt seem like I care to much about it but we got new trees for mothers day and fathers day last year and dont really want to lose them. It was still nice after dinner so Justin, Lucy, Chelsea, and I all went to the lake took all the dogs well all but one Tylers dog had to stay home cause she has puppies. It was nice! Seeing the kids play started making me think of Tyler and all of us going to the lake every evening for a walk.I miss him being with us.I try so hard to be not so sad it works for a little bit then I start crying and go sit by myself.I see the way my kids look at me with tears in my eyes and it makes me feel so guilty not being able to be the mom they miss. Well the last one is up now gotta go face the day. Love to all, Crystal

[shorty16]

Crystal, Tyler's Mom

You are doing great. You got out of the house and spent some time with your family. That is all anyone can expect now. It is very easy to stay home and do nothing, but you did not. That is what is going to heal you. Getting out into the world and finding your new place in it.

Great job!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Pam, Andy's Mom

What a great statement "Go out into the world and find some happiness."

Happiness does not come running down the stairs to us anymore - we have to go out and find it. At first, happiness is hard to find. That is why I started small - beautiful flowers, the morning sky, the birds in my yard, etc.

Farther into this grief journey, you will find happiness in the larger things - Taking small day trips with your family. These things take time, but the only way to start is by getting out into the world.

Proud of you, my friend.

Please tell us even one thing that made you smile today - just one!!!

Keep on truckin girlfriend.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[andy88]

Colleen, your note just made me smile! Thank you! Will share any other things at the end of the day. I'm looking!

[Guest msnher]

This morning as I sat outside I saw the funniest thing....a finch landed on the side mirror of my van and began talking to itself, touching the mirror with it's beak. Very cute.

Colleen - You said it is easy to stay at home and do nothing. I busied (is that a word?) myself the first year after Steph died. I really had no choice. But, the second year (this year) did me in. I found I couldn't do anything. I went to bed, getting up to see to the kids or take care of responsibilities, but mostly I stayed in bed. I am so grateful Gary understood. In fact, when I complained about myself to him he would remind me that I was grieving. Once I told him I was afraid I would never get up. He said he had faith in me. Well, now I'm ready to emerge not only from my bed, but ready to join life again. The result of the last eight months in bed has left me 30 pounds heavier (I ate a lot of carbs while in bed) and nothing is organized in my house. Emotionally, I needed that time, but the consequences leave me a bit disgusted. Last night I told Gary, "I got fat." He said "I know". LOL I didn't just go up a couple of dress sizes...I went up several dress sizes! The good news is my "girls" are no longer deflated...he likes that part. I feel ready, now, though, to get my home in order and lose those extra pounds I put on. But, I needed that time of staying home and doing nothing.

Besides laundry (it's always laundry) my biggest gripe is that my dog, Golden Retriever - with lots of hair - enjoys rolling in the dead grass and then comes in the house and shakes it all off. At least she's not rolling in her poo...she still eats it occasionally. Very gross. My vet says it's normal for Goldens. That's why God made them so cute and sweet...because they're so gross.

Anyway, I pushed myself and pushed myself that first year until I basically collapsed. I was very honest and forthcoming about it to anyone who depended on me...I just told them I couldn't be counted on because I was giving myself permission to have a nervous breakdown and I was going to bed. "No, I can't help because I'm still having my nervous breakdown".

The only real regret I have is I wish I would have endulged on fruits and vegetables instead of donuts and chocolate.

Love to you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

UH-OH, my brain is doing a number on me, it is screaming, "APRIL FOOLS DAY" I came back here just now and the post I wrote about 15 minutes ago is not here...hmmmm, could it be that I ventured away from the page thinking I hit send...probably. I worry when the old mind falters like that, as it has happened a few times in different ways but basically all pointing the same direction; forgetful, short term memory. I have to make myself more mindful of my actions instead of thinking automatic pilot.

Anyways, all I wrote was a pat on the back to Colleen for being such a great force of good here as far as hope. You are giving everyone a huge taste of how life unfolds and how it can unfold when one has been laid out by grief. The newbies here are lucky to have your encouragement.

Sus, now you can look forward to working in the sunlight and getting your body back to where you are comfortable. We all have our break downs differently.

[Crystal Rogerson]

Hello. My name is Crystal. I originally posted on the "new to the forum" and also under "loss of a child", but everyone keeps telling me that I need to come over here to "loss of adult child". Guess this is where all the "action" is. I don't know why,as my daughter was 15 when she passed. She would be an adult now, but in my minds eye she is still a young girl. It was 7 years on March 16. I just want to know how to get out of the pit I am in. I did the crying all the time, the sleeping all the time. I used to have interests and hobbies. I used to laugh and have fun. Now I am just existing and living in a daze. I get up and go to work and come home and go to bed. I have no drive or ambition to do anything. I want to know when this is going to end. I know it won't LITERALLY end, I just feel hopeless. When my daughter died, I moved out of state. Just packed up what I could and drove til I ran out of gas money. Starting over where ever I landed. The first year was spent getting used to my surroundings and new job. So my mind was occupied while all that was going on. The longer I have been here the deeper in despair I feel. I have a wonderful life that I am thankful for but I find no joy in it. I feel like I am faking to get thru everyday. I don't like being a Debby Downer to people so I pretty much have kept things to myself all this time. I used to journal but I don't even find that that helps any more. I have gone to counseling and that has not helped. I know that there is no magic wand to bring back my happiness, I just need a push in the right direction. I feel for all of you on here. The way that you all got here is different but the result is all the same. I know that no one has the answers, I guess I am just venting, but any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for your time. Love and Light to you all

[westleysmom]

Crystal-I'm so sorry that you are still having such a hard time. It has only been 1 year (and two months, almost 3) since my son Westley died at age 20. I will leave those who have been longer at this to give you advice, I have none. I saw your post on the other threads. Even if your daughter was not an adult, there are several on here with kids who were close to her age. I have to run, but just wanted to say hi to you and tell you how sorry I am. I hope it will help you to be here, as it has me since I found this place last summer when the numb was going away and leaving the wound raw and exposed. Hugs to you

[lolynbo]

OK GALS/GUYS IM JUST GONNA THROW THIS OUT THERE...AM I AN IDIOT CRY BABY OR WHAT/....YOU NO MONTY AND I HAVE BEEN GOING TO THIS COWBOY CHURCH SINCE KOURTNEY DIED...AND I STILL FEEL ALONE, LIKE I CANT GRIEVE WITH THEM AND THEY JUST DONT GET IT...IF I SAY SOMETHING LIKE "MISSN MY GIRL WISH I CLD HOLD HER" ALL I GET FROM THE PREACHERS WIFE IS"YOU WILL IN HEAVEN".....I NO THIS I NO I WILL IN HEAVEN BUT IM NOT THERE YET AND I MISS HER NOW...I WANNA HOLD HER NOW....

AND AS YAL NO IM ON FB ALOT...I ANSWER PPLS COMMENTS I RESPOND TO PPLS FEELINGS BAD OR GOOD....I CLD PUT ON MY STATUS "I BOUGHT NEW ROPE FIXIN TO HANG MY SELF" AND I WLD GET NOTHING FROM MY CHURCH FRIENDS..I NO YAL WLD RESPOND AND MY FAMILY BUT NOT THEM....

SO LAST NIGHT I PUT SOMETHING LIKE..."CANT WAIT TO GO TO SAN ANTONIO THIS WKEND AND NEXT SUNDAY GOING TO TRY NEW H20 CHURCH"....BY 1030 LAST NIGHT MY PHONE AND MONTYS WAS GOING OFF "WHATS WRONG WHY YOU TRYING OTHER CHURCHES , DID WE DO SOMETHING".....SO NOW THEY WANNA CHAT.....IT REALLY ANGERS ME THAT THEY CANT BE THER FOR ME/US WHEN I WANNA FEEL AND ASK WHY OR CRY...BUT MAN I PUT CHANGE CHURCH AND IM #1 CHATTY SALLY...

DO YAL UNDERSTAND WHAT IM SAYN AND WHY IM UPSET WITH THEM?...THEY ALL ROPE AND RIDE WE RACE...SO WE DONT FIT IN THERE...WE DONT HAVE A PERMANENT CHURCH BUILDING YET (WE MEET IN A TENT HOT OR COLD)....AND I JUST WANNA TRY SOMETHING ELSE AND FEEL I CAN GO TO MY PREACHER OR SOMEONE AND BOO HOO IF I WANT OR ASK WHY MY GIRL.....

IMPUT IS APPRECIATED...I UNDERSTAND IF ITS JUST ME...

[ericasmom]

Crystal, you are a third Crystal posting here. Welcome to this place, this warm home that we love and hang out in. I am dee, mom of Erica Eileen who was 19 when she was killed, 7.5 years ago, in july of 2003. I am sorry that you feel so lacking in happiness. Wow what a strong and determined woman you are though, to pick up and move until you ran out of road and started anew. That to me is the epitomy of bravery. I know that therapy doesn't always do what is needed, though it helped me quite a lot, and I also know that having a good life doesn't mean happy. I hope that we can help you find out what it is that will allow the sun to seep into your spirit again. I wonder if it isn't just the simple act of sharing your Daughter. If you moved to where nobody knew her, and you have kept much of your pain away from others in order to fit in adn fulfill your obligations at work and in the community, when have you had the chance to speak of your ache? If that is the case, we can help you plenty as we all talk about our kids and help those new to this place to do the same. I know that between therapy, my dearest closest friend/family, and especially this place, I have been able to live quite fully. Of course I cry and feel blue but not as I once did, and I accept my blues now knowing that they will lighten and I will be smooth inside again. It is all so tricky and everyone is so different in thier needs while grieving, but in my opinion, grief over a Child dying is ongoing, and so being connected here has been a strength and a family for me.

Tell us about your Girl. Who she was/is to you, what she loved to do, what sadness took her from you?

Lorri, I think that organized religion angers me most because of what happened to you on FB. I do believe that many just simply don't know how to reach out to those of us missing our Babies, and they feel that perhaps we should get over it, or over it enough to not bring it up...I think that you should check out other churches until you feel that you have found what you are looking for and if that does not happen, maybe you should start a church. Don't laugh, look at what you have done in this world with Kourtney's Kloset.

Love to you

[hotrod]

Hi Crystal

I am so glad that you decided to post over here on the Adult Child Board. As I said before, just coming here daily, posting when I can, encouraging others, sharing my sadness, talking about my delightful son Stephen, were all tiny steps that proved huge in my recovery.

As Dee indicated there is no magic formula but walking with others on this dreadful journey does encouage our sadened spirits to try once again to reach out and up .

Keep coming back

Pam Andy's mom I do hope you found a spark of joy or a smile today

Lorrie, I hear you there is no place like BI for the support you need.

Betsy and Leah Thinking of you and holding you in my thoughts

[Guest msnher]

Crystal (Meg's mom) - I am so sorry for the loss of your precious daughter. I am glad you found us. This thread seems to be more active, I think, because it's just easier for us all to meet in one place. Our losses range from newborn infants to middle aged adults. Our child is our child and the pain is the same no matter the age that they left this life. I hope you will come back and talk to us. Talk, talk, talk. This is the right place to tell us about your girl...your grief. I hope you'll post pictures of her. You are safe here. There are no rules. There is no judgment.

Grief has my deepest respect. It demands it. It will not be ignored. We can't hide from it. Try and it will destroy us. Grief doesn't care if it's been seven minutes, seven months or seven years. If it wants your attention, it will get it. And, it seems to have yours. It's wonderful that you are reaching out. Here we walk together. Learning to survive....together. This site literally saved my life. The counselor helped, the face to face grief group helped a little, my friends try....but, here....we all get it.

Lorri - You don't have to defend yourself when you're right. Love doesn't speak through fear or guilt. You like everybody and you don't like to hurt anyone. You'll have to accept the fact this might upset a few people, but they'll get over it. However, if it's validation for your grief for losing Kourtney that you're looking for in a church, I think you'll be disappointed. Unless they've been there, no matter what their spiritual beliefs are, very few people have the gift to "get it". I like the idea of starting up your own church. Pastor Monty and Lorri. Prayer warriors. Racing for God.

I deleted what I had written because it was just spreading too much negative energy. I still have a long way to go.

[Guest msnher]

edit

[daveydow1]

Hello to all INDIGOS.....Yikes-----I'm behind again. Having a bear of a time keeping up.....but will try.

Christry----So nice that Ethan's memories of Clinton bring such warmth to your heart. I find that

our surviving children can be a great source of comfort. Peace to you.

Betty------I, too, went out last wk. to do a bit of "looking around' at spring fashions. Came home

with only one cotton blouse. With the weather......the stores were empty, and I just couldn't get

into shopping for clothes.

Diane-----I still get mixed up with some of my posts from time-to-time, and I've been here over

7 yrs. I try to keep a little sheet of paper with the replies that I want to make, but even with the

best of my intentions, I goof up. So, don't even worry one little bit about that.......I think that most

of us, who have posted have made a few mistakes here & there, and no one thinks a thing

about it.

Greg----Thanks for the "Gingham Dress" story.

Megsmom---Chrystal----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. I think that this site is

a good one ....(I've been here over 7 yrs.), and find that it is a lifeline for me. As others have said---

we are free to truly express how we feel here, and everyone understands, and no one judges.

We are all on the same road of grief, and help each other if we can by this understanding of the

pain and sorrow that comes with losing a beloved child. Please come back to this site ......we

are here for you.

Dee-----This is a sorrowful time for you.....with the anniversary of Michael's passing......your dear children's

father. I think that it is good that you had a good relationship with Michael. It must have been a source

of comfort when you & Carol told him that ERz was coming to him.....to welcome him to the other side

where she is. Wel......that's one more for the book of stupid things people say.......the person comparing

her loss of a bad boyfriend to your loss of ERi. MAN----I can't think how someone could say that dumb

thing. Maybe 'speaking before thinking", or just plain stupidity. Stuff like that sure hurts. I'm sorry that

happened.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS, AND ESPECIALLY PARENTS NEW TO BI.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[lolynbo]

THANKS GALS..I JUST DONT FEEL SPIRITUALLY FED OR EMOTIONALLY FED...I LIKE THE PPL BUT JUST FEEL I DONT FIT....IM A FOLLOWER NOT A LEADER..TOO SHY FOR BEING OUT IN FRONT...NOT TO MENTION TOOOO LAZY...

[ericasmom]

Nothing lazy about you Lorri, but I get the need for a good leader feeling. I belonged to a church with Jon and ERi when they were little, their dad would not join with us or go other than at the holiday. It was the first time I belonged to a church. Oh I had to go to church when I was little,, Catholic when I was little, with my dad (icky man) and my Mom was not allowed in the catholic church because she had never been baptized...so here I was a little girl who in CCDclasses was told my Mom would float in limbo, (to me that was a dance) float there with unborn babies, the picture of this terrified me, mom satellite around babies that never got to be born in some gray place with no exit, just because she was not baptized? So my thoughts of organized religions have to do wtih silly rules that I am sure the God that I pray to and believe in does not care about, for instance, wearing a hat in church. Really, do you think GOD cares? Pilgrim Congregational was a perfect fit for us, most of the congregation were those, like me, who grew up in a different religion. So we were there for many years and when I started waitressing again to pay the bills (divorced by then) I worked most Sundays and so we fell away from the church. It is however, where we went when Eri died, we had her funeral there. I am glad that I had that time with my kids, that belonging feeling in a congregation. Lorri, you go and find what it is feels best for you. I do think that you will find what you need.

SHerry, yes, the day Mike left was a pretty spirit filled day. While crushed with the sadness, we saw and felt the way Michael left, and we were made to believe in that great beyond even more. I am grateful. Tomorrow, hoping to get into the garden and do some raking. Whle still cool out, we need to pull the blanket of leaves off the insisting growth of tulips and columbine and let them out. HOpefully not to be bitten by frost. If we don't rake some areas out now, the plants will get too tall to rake without hurting them.

Sus, I am sorry for the absolute crazy day you had today. Mostly I am sorry that Mariah is feeling so fragmented right now to call attention to herself like this. Dangerous behaviors are one way that abused kids let others know that they are hurting, as you well know. I don't blame you for getting mad at your Son for making light of it, we all know that when a kid is hurting, to take those kinds of events quite seriously. Is she still seeing the social workers you hooked her up with? She could be reacting to so many issues right now. Good luck with Mariah, I do hope that she will see that there are other ways, safer ways to get some assistance when she is feeling 'too out-there'.

Going to bed folks, hoping that each of us sleeps deeply and dreams sweetly.

Love and hugs,

[charsng1234]

I am laying here watching time go so slow but yet so fast. My heart hurts I feel like I am having a heart attack, My body aches to hold, smell ,look at shane once again. I just so want to give up to the darkness that now consumes my whole being. I feel loathing for the man that took my son from me I pray he gets what he deserves. I looked up into the sky tonight and found the brightest star I prayed that shane will come to me to let me feel his presence to hear his voice. Just one more time!!! I miss him so much My son steven came to visit and spend the night with me I will not let him see me cry I am trying to be there for him to. I just do not no what to do any more I need help!!!

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - I'm so sorry!

Dee - Yes, Mariah is still in counseling and group therapy. Today was one of those days when I wonder if I'm really qualified to help these kids. Qualified or not I'm in this for the duration. I just hope we all survive each other.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

It's supposed to get to the 70's today - woo hoo!!!!

Just checking in to say I'm thinking of y'all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andy88]

Good morning friends! Things that made me smile yesterday:

* Colleen's note

* I saw 2 red-headed woodpeckers

* Beautiful sunset

* Nice dinner out, waited on by Andy's friend

* Helped plan a birthday party for one of Andy's friends

Hey, not bad! Love to all! Sending wishes for each of you to find a little ray of sunshine today.

Pam/Andy's Mom

[Guest msnher]

Pam - Wonderful to hear your sightings!

[shorty16]

Pam,

You are awesome.

4 things....

Please remember, if you take 10 steps backward in your grief journey--That Is OK!! You are allowed.

Red-Headed Woodpeckers??? I am a bird enthusiast. I have not seen a red-head in a long time.

Moving through this journey is tough. We can stop and rest on the grief journey (cry, scream, put a planket over my head and wish for my old life back), but we cannot stay there. And how we move forward is a choice we make.

This process takes so much time. Months and years - not days or weeks.

I am so happy for you and all the newbies trying to find their way- we can do this - together

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Good morning my friends,

The weather still sucks, but we are going to get out today. I have been incredibly sad lately and I really think it is because of cabin fever, SADD (Seasonal, Attitudital Depression Disorder, I think), whatever you want to call it.

If I can make myself get out and do something, I think it may help my mood - I do not know.

We have decided to walk the Bug line trail (mid to end summer - that about sums it up).

The entire trail is 13 miles long, but we will walk 2 miles today and then take it from there. In my old life, I would have planned this down to the number of steps, but now - just kinda go with the flow.

Love to my friends.

Miss you my son, Brian. I miss you making me laugh when I am trying to make a point. I miss your funny comments or you and Michelle verbally sparing and she loosing. I just miss you.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Pam and Colleen what a great idea and assignment for today. I am going to "Go out and find a little happiness or try to see the happiness that surrounds me today".

Colleen Enjoy your hike

I reflected on yesterday to see what joy I encountered and found:

Coming here to BI brought my heart satisfaction and warmth

Walking outside seeing the new plants springing up brought a smile to my heart and a gentle thought of Stephen. I remembered How he loved the spring.

Donated a few dollars to street people as I walked outside

Lite a candle in church in Thanksgiving for being Stephen's mom for so many years and another for all our Indigos angels

I probably could list many more but that is enough I am going out now and will try to be aware of the goodness all around.

Sus Your grandchildren are oh so fortunate to be loved by you and Gary. Your awareness and introspection will be a guiding light to them their entire lives

Sherry I am glad you found a blouse when shopping I felt Blessed as I found a Calvin Kline summer dress on sale for $20.00 and it fit perfectly

Betsy Praying for your SIL, Brother and YOU

Have a Blessed Day Indigos

[shorty16]

Shanes, Mom

I hear myself in your voice. You are right - time is wierd. Sometimes fast - sometimes slow.

It is now that you have to know this blackness will not last forever. One day a tiny bit of light will show through but only for a short time - that is the beginning. That light grows and its time lengthen.

However, we will never be that person we were before our child died - we are forever fractured.

But we can survive.

Hold on Shanes, Mom - We know how you feel

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Good Morning dear friends. Its sunny and warmer in TN, and that helps my mood some. I picked up my ray of sunshine at daycare yesterday. When we got to my house, she asked me about something that Westley had made (one of those pegboards that guys use to build muscles by pulling themselves up by the pegs in the holes, he made it one time when he was in a bodybuilding phase, not long before) and I told her that Westley made it, while I was getting her out of her car seat. She stopped and looked at me with those big blue eyes so much like her Mommy's and said "He's nebber coming back, not ebber." and I picked her up and said "I know baby, I know he's not. You're right" and I held her where she couldn't see my face falling apart. And I said, but we still love him, even if he's not coming back. And she said "I love him." But you can't fall apart in the face of that, can you? So I didn't, but after they left and my husband was in the shower and I was finally alone, I did fall apart for just a little bit. I didn't tell my husband what she said, I have never told him that she mistook my nephew for Westley last week. I guess when she was telling her Daddy that she saw Westley they explained to her that Westley was never coming back, not ever. And she remembered the thing that I try to forget. God I miss him so much. I wanted to go to the cemetery the day we found out about the new baby being a boy, but I didn't. I'll tell him tomorrow.

Today is visitation day at the workhouse. My daughter had asked if I wanted to go shopping with them, I would have, but I just can't leave CJ high and dry without a visitor. The appt is in the middle of the day and that didn't work with her plans. She said it was okay, but I still felt bad. She is going to find out soon that while your heart beats outside your body once you have a child, its split in two when you have another. I hope she understands that I'm doing this to help CJ and to show him the love that we have for Westley even though he's nebber coming back.

Pam-Keep looking for those good things in each day. I know they are still there, but sometimes so hard to see through our tears.

Shane's Mom-I looked at those stars too last night and tried to feel peace, but mostly just felt longing. I'm glad that Steven came to visit you, The dark place is there all the time, and getting out of it is not easy. Hugs to you friend.

Lorri-I feel the same need to find a different church sometimes. Westley's friend's girl and the baby have started coming to our current church, which would make it really hard. My husband's family has gone there for five generations maybe more, so it would already be hard to change. I hope you find somewhere that you feel more understood.

Colleen-I'm sorry you're feeling so sad lately, I have too. I hope you are able to have a good day and walk as far as you kinda planned. I go with the flow too more than I used to. You have been so encouraging to me lately, I didn't realize that you were feeling the sadness so much.

Susannah-I hope that Mariah's work with the counseling helps. I know it must be so hard for you and think of you every day with your hands so full and your heart still broken. You're an inspiration to me and I just wanted to tell you that.

Dee, Leah, Sherry, Lori, Crystals all, Karen, Betty, Betsy, Carol, Trudi, Sonya, Denise, Bonnie, Claudia, everybody I can't remember to list-I hope that the day is kind fo you and that you see something wonderful that reminds you of your angel and makes you smile

[ericasmom]

May you always take pleasure Pam, in those things that surround you in big adn small ways. This is letting the light in. Hope today is another good one for you, for everyone.

Sus, 70's? wow, we are excited as it climbs to 52 as a high today, but boy we are glad. Raking on our afternoon to-do list.

Love to all,

deee