Loss of an Adult Child

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Thank you so much for the kind and supporting replies.

My heart aches for not only what my family and I have loss but for the loss of the future. We had a vacation planned in June to go to Orlando and stay at a wonderful resort. My youngest daughter and Vanessa talked all about swimming and playing in the Lazy River, going to Disney, Sea World and the other theme parks. Vanessa would tell us "I can't wait" to go! Just like she would tell her Dad and everyone "I can't wait" to go snow boarding and spend time with my family! "I can't wait" is what she would always say when making any kind of plans. She was always so excited to go places and have fun and spend time with family and friends! Vacations, Family get togethers, Dinners, Birthday's, Holiday's are forever changed! There will always be a major void in our lives and pain in our hearts! Especially, during these occasions! Now... "I can wait" because, I don't want these times to come when she will be absent and thought of so much! The pain will be to much to endure without my two angels by our sides.

I was looking forward to the day Vanessa would get married, have children and make me a grandmother. Especially, because I knew my daughter Kailey would never be able to do these things due to her special needs. All the little things I wanted like helping Vanessa plan her wedding, Wedding showers, Being a part of her pregnancy, baby shower, seeing and holding my grandchild for the first time or just everything that we parents wish we could be a part of is GONE FOREVER!

My Angel Kailey, I thought she would out live me despite of her disabilities. She was a huge part of my everyday life. Caring for her and her needs came natural to me. Now that she is gone there is a huge heart wrenching void in my life. My days that were so full of life seem so empty now. I miss her big bright smile and chuckles. I miss seeing her get so excited that her eyes welled up with tears and she would laugh so genuinely that it would put a smile on anyone around her! I miss her singing, humming and sounds she made. I miss her nurses and those people that cared for her and surrounded me for so many years.

I will never be able to see, talk, care for, kiss & hug, vacation, shop for or plan a future with my daughters ever again!

GRIEVING IS SO VERY HARD!

[dwsmithrn]

hi lori....i am diane, i lost my son to suicide, exactly 2 months ago today. i am grieving so deeply, i can't leave the house unless, it is to go to a service for him, 4+ hours away. otherwise, i have been confined to my house to do nothing but cry and stay in my bed. i have lost so much weight on my already tiny body. i look horrible and i don't care. i am so, so sorry for your losses....it is so tragic. we had no idea what was even on the back of Nathan's mind. he hid it so well. he was what we thought, a happy, successful, humorous young man, and then, so suddenly, we got this phonecall...there was no note, no warning....just 'this'. i have 3 other children who don't understand my grief. they are trying, and even though they all have children of their own, they just can't stand to see their mother like this, so they steer away from me, and that hurts too.,

i can feel your pain to some extinct, but certainly, not with two at a time. i am so sorry and hope you will accept my deepest heart felt not just sympathy, but empathy. please come back and join us, those of us, who know what it feels like to hurt so deeply, beyond what anyone else can possible imagine to ever feel. i hit that brick wall a couple of weeks ago and just couldn't find the strength to write for awhile, but i think i am back to find the courage to express my feelings once again. my heart aches, my brain hurts from thinking all the time, i sleep very little, i eat very little and i sometimes just hurt all over. then again, i sometimes feel numb all over. i never know from day to day, what i feel, who i am, or what will become of me.

i truly am sorry for your losses. i can't say that i will pray for you right now, i am not there at this moment in time....but i will keep you in my thoughts....

diane

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Dear Diane I am glad you found the energy to post. Nathan 'service sounds so very special. The song, "Amazing Grace" is so very beautiful as were your words to him, shared you heart. Grieving is so very hard , as Lori said but walking this dark road together we will do it . One Moment at a Time/ I am glad to see you back.

Dear Lori What a difficult loss you have had Words do fail at a time like this. Kailey and Vanessa sound like two such special angels. What beautiful memories you have " I cannot wait " how enthusiastic and wonderful to have experienced such happiness from your daughter Remembering Kaileys smile is such a gift. It is so obvious they knew they were loved and cherished and that is a precious gift.

Tylers Mom Please take care of yourself and rest. You have experienced a terrible loss

Crystal People do say the most amazingly painful things. I am sorry. My niece emailed me yesterday to say my other Nephew cam by to visit her in "Stephen's Truck" She said- he was so happy driving it and all I wanted to do was scream I Do NOt care STEPHEN SHOULD BE DRIVING IT!! It is little things that get to me these day.

I am feeling terrible so I need to sign off this Cold is relentless and not responding to my usual treatments

[mikesmum]

Sometimes you just want to go to sleep so you can quit knowing how sad you are. At least I do.

Diane - So glad to see you back. The weight of this journey is debilitating. Even while I am pushing myself to live in 'honour' of my son, there are days when it can be far to hard.

My research paper is done, just need to 'polish' it. My psych asked me why I was studying this subject. I thought it was to 'stimulate' my brain, to find new direction....truth betold, I'm still looking for answers....

Clammy here, tired, emotional and missing Micheal Shane.....

[lolynbo]

Sometimes you just want to go to sleep so you can quit knowing how sad you are. At least I do.

EXACTLY...JUST TAKE A LONG PEACEFUL NAP AND NOT WAKE UP...BE WITH OUR ANGELS

[daveydow1]

Lori------I am so very sorry to learn of your loss of your two dear daughters. Such a terrible shock, and

devastation. This is a good site to come to, where each and every one here knows your pain. Please

come back to BI and read/post as you are able. Sending thoughts & prayers.

Colleen----I think I read one time that starlings are not native to the US., and yep......they do have speckles

on them when they are adults. They sure are a pesky bird. What's the name of that large marshland around

your area that is a bird sanctuary? That would be a good place for us to go birding.

Karen and Rhonda------So sorry for the mixup.......That's what happens when I get too far behind, and want to

reply to a lot of posts.

Sharon----Sorry that you had people say things that hurt you. I agree........people should say less----not more.

Betsy-----Yay-----lots of robins. I have seen a few, but not very many yet. Red-wing blackbirds have been coming

to the feeders.

Diane-----My heart goes out to you, friend. Sending lots of prayers.

Dee-----You are right about the starlings being so pesky....roosting and messing, and all the bother they cause. No

wonder they are nearly no one's favorite bird. Too much trouble. We had a short thunderstorm last night too. The

kitty woke me up at 3 a.m., wanting to come into my closet.......where she hides when there's thunder......she's so

afraid of it. The storm didn't last long though. We have purple and yellow crocuses up. So nice to see some signs

of spring. 68 degrees today. I know what you mean......I, too, have been a bit weepy and missing Dave.

It's a pain that never goes away.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[dwsmithrn]

it is the little things that people say, even well-meaning people, like my sister who just can't keep her mouth shut for one moment....today, while i was telling her about the weekend service...so private and special, she just had to tell me that some people who grieve their lost child tend to forget about their living children....well, who is she to tell me about grief....she has none....she has her boys....what the h---....it made me so mad....i already have enough on my plate, i don't need that type of comment. i decided today that i would not share my grief with her anymore. from now on when she calls, i would not tell her how i feel, when i feel, or even cry when she is on the phone..heck, i might not even answer the phone when she calls....then i can't get upset about comments made. she even told me at the two week mark that when mothers grieve too long, it can lead to divorce...really, my husband has been so great through all of this, and he is nathan's stepdad...he is grieving his heart out, and he wouldn't leave me because nathan is gone. what kind of a crack was that to make at just two weeks? i am so tired of people making stupid remarks i could scream...uhh, i have screamed actually. even at nathan, for leaving me like this and making me grieve like this. although, i did take it back....

again, i ramble on....

diane

[charsng1234]

Just wanted to say hi to everyone the Da wants to meet with me Wensday I hope its to tell me they are going to prosicute that man. I hope all is well and thanks so much for being here for me coulod not do it with out my Indigo family..

[dwsmithrn]

oh sharon, i hope so too...for shane's sake as well as yours...bless your heart. it has been a tough time and i know you want to have some peace.

bless your heart. it just tears me up to read your tormented little heart. hope it's the news you need to hear. diane

[ModKonnie]

Lori--I am so sorry for the loss of both of your daughters. Hearing your story has torn me up. I wish there was something I could say that would help, but I know there isn't anything. I don't know what to think. So, is there an investigation going on with your older daughter? Once again, I am so sorry about what has happened, but you have certainly come to the right place.

Diane--I couldn't be more happy to hear from you. Your private service sounds so perfect and right. Your sister sounds almost oblivious to your pain, which is such a shame. I am glad your husband is so supportive; that really is wonderful.

ModKonnie

[dwsmithrn]

modkon....thanks....and thanks for caring....there are days i don't care about myself, so it helps to know someone out there cares.

i have bad days and some 'a little better' days, but no good days yet. like i said earlier, this is exactly 2 months today.....it's hard not to count the days, the weeks, the months....everyday that goes by is another without my precious son. and it seems to hurt more with every passing day. guess initially, i was in shock and just couldn't feel as much pain, but now that the shock has worn off, the pain increases.

i did see my dr. and i am taking a rx. that is supposed to help me sleep better and also increase my appetite. we'll see if that works. it is only a temp. fix, not a long-term medicine. unfortunately, i have to take other meds for other health reasons, and i can't take this one for long. so we will see if i can get some sleep for awhile and maybe pick up a few pounds so i can feel better physically. then, maybe, just maybe i can work on making my heart feel better....i was wondering, though, how do you do that?

diane

[dwsmithrn]

crystal, i was just thinking about you...we are so close to the same....it has been 8+ weeks and i am so raw with pain and heartache. some days my heart hurts so badly, i think i am having a heart attack, and i mean this literally. do you ever have that feeling? i want nathan to show himself to me and i have never had that happen....has tyler ever shown himself to you? how do we find them? when do we find them? i want nathan to show me he is ok....why do other angels appear, but nathan does not....am i too upset, or sad, or heart broken, or what? i just wonder..... diane

[dwsmithrn]

when i was at the beach this w/e, i snuck away and went in nathan's room for the first time since i lost him....i went in his closet and just grabbed his shirts to feel them and smell them...i burst into tears and wept and wept.....i wanted him so much. i wanted to hold him and feel him and tell him how much i loved him and what he did to his family...to me. but i couldn't let go of his shirts. his grandmother (on his dad's side) came up there and found me and thought i shouldn't be there....i couldn't let go. she had to pry my hands off my son's shirts. i told her i needed to hold on a little longer, but she insisted i let go. why did i have to let go...they were my son't shirts. i took one last smell and still have that smell in my memory bank...i miss him so much. i just can't let go him....is this why he won't reveal himself to me, because i can't let go of him? can someone please tell me why he won't come to me. i need to know he is ok....i just can't go on with this grief if i don't know he is ok....

thanks, diane

[Guest msnher]

Diane - I am so relieved to see your posts! I am so glad you're still with us! I used to say "I have bad days and worse days but no good days". Now, I have good days. In fact, I've had several in a row. Taking better care of your physical health, ie putting on some weight, will not help your heart heal. What it will do is give you the strength to endure your broken heart until you become accustom to living with it (a broken heart). I don't know that our heart ever completely heals. I think we just feel the sun shine through the cracks of the shattered pieces.

I had several interruptions just trying to type that small paragraph and now I can't remember who else posted today! Took five minutes to just get that sentence typed, so I had better call it a day!

Oh...speaking of....It was a beautiful day and a robin even came to visit!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[zachysmom]

I just wanted to say hi to all the new faces here. I wish you did not have the need to be here but always know you are welcome no matter how you feel. Come here often even if it is just to read. If you feel lonely and misunderstood by all others always know you are among those who do understand and will comfort you no matter how you feel. Come here if you are sad, come here if you are mad, come here even if you don't know exactly how you feel, we will understand and help you walk this path we are all walking. I know from experience this group of people are wonderful and caring no one finds fault with any one all we do here is provide support and caring that we may not be getting from our surrounding support systems. I know that being a member here has saved my life and sanity(or what's left of it).

My best advice to all the new members is Take it day by day and if that is to much take it hour by hour and if that is to much take it minute by minute and if that is to much take it second by second. I know when I first started here I had to take it second by second, now some days I can take it day by day. Yes there are some days I still take it second by second but we all have those days and probably will, but they will become less and less.

[ModKonnie]

modkon....thanks....and thanks for caring....there are days i don't care about myself, so it helps to know someone out there cares.

i have bad days and some 'a little better' days, but no good days yet. like i said earlier, this is exactly 2 months today.....it's hard not to count the days, the weeks, the months....everyday that goes by is another without my precious son. and it seems to hurt more with every passing day. guess initially, i was in shock and just couldn't feel as much pain, but now that the shock has worn off, the pain increases.

i did see my dr. and i am taking a rx. that is supposed to help me sleep better and also increase my appetite. we'll see if that works. it is only a temp. fix, not a long-term medicine. unfortunately, i have to take other meds for other health reasons, and i can't take this one for long. so we will see if i can get some sleep for awhile and maybe pick up a few pounds so i can feel better physically. then, maybe, just maybe i can work on making my heart feel better....i was wondering, though, how do you do that?

diane

Diane,

I wish I knew how to make your heart better, and believe me, I'd do that for everyone here. I am glad you may get some temporary rest and sleep. Picking up a few pounds WILL make you feel somewhat better physically, and that WILL give you strength to move forward inch by tiny inch. I have battled with being underweight and feeling sick because of it on an off for years--I can't eat when I am even the least bit stressed or depressed. One thing that does help me when I can't force anything down me is those nutritional drinks, like Ensure or Carnation instant breakfast or something liquid.

Believe me, we all care. I am glad you are talking to us again; I know there are days when you will have absolutely no strength to move, much less write anything. Thank you for trying.

ModKonnie

[ericasmom]

Betty Dear, that is exactly what a woman I spoke with today said, that this cold is not responding to any of her tried and true remedies, and it still holds true for me too, this is an odd one. I still have a funny sounding voice, and my throat is scratchy and at times painful, I am not at full strength but not sick sick at this point, though at any given time today, or any day in the last week, I could lay my head down and fall right to sleep. So I too am off to bed. Please take good care, getting extra rest is probably the one thing that will help. I am sorry that the report of your nephew driving around in Stephen's vehicle struck a nerve, I so understand.

Big storms predicted tonight adn then cold weather all week after this.

Diane, so good to know that you are out there in our cyber-world. Our schol has a special class for our fifth graders called Global Virtual Classroom, where the kids meet up with kids from all over the world adn create a classroom with one another, we could call our gathering Global Virtual Grief Hut, where together we communicate our deepest heartache, our deepest joys, our current state of being, our poetry, songs, memories, and all that has brought us to now...

I am glad to see that today was a day in which you had the energy to hang out with us here, your words are very powerful, and here you are, so early on in your grief but you are reaching out to help Lori up. I think that your Daughter is not grieving yet because she has to take care of this yet to be born Child. Knowing that she must take good care of herself is a good thing, and somewhere down the road, she will grieve, she may need a lot of help too, if her hormones also dance about with the birth of this child, the strain of raising two young ones and the grief that she has kept at bay...avoiding you is her line of defense as she probably knows that she might begin to crumble if given the opportunity. We all have to do it on our timeline, in our own ways. I am glad that you are very close, you will be again Dear. Not knowing who you are and how you will function tomorrow or the next day is all part of the randomness of this situation. Sucks I know. The service sounded very pretty, very sweet and sad. The music was most fitting and added to the sad sounds of losing our Babies. This was a big step Diane. I am so very happy that your husband seems to well understand you and your needs right now, give him a pat on the back from us as it isn't always so for many couples. Hang on adn try to eat a bit tomorrow if you can. Hows about an instant breakfast drink or something like that, not requiring a lot of prep, nor chewing, but providing you some vitamins and protein. Thanks for letting us know Diane, that you are making it.

Tyler's Mom, all the ache in the world is what you are feeling it is a very heavy load. And as you take care of everyone else, you begin to let go of taking care of you but please don't, Tyler especially would not want that so get some rest, drink plenty of water adn juice, eat some protein, and know that we are here for you adn with you each day, each hour.

Konnie, good to see you today,

Lorri, I know Kid, some days sleep sounds like the only escape,

Rhonda, I think that it is wonderful that you are giving WEstley's buddy the emotional support he really needs. To know that someone on the outside is actually rooting for him make a big difference I am sure. And no, it makes no sense whatsoever that he has nobody in his family caring for him, and you have lost Westley and feel so alone. We are brought to this time through excruciating pain, and somehow, we learn to live anew from the ashes. We do because we are still here, still have work to do here.

Lori, thinking of you as you find ways to grieve and still work and raise the other children. I hope that the issues surrounding Vanessa's death are found out. I would imagine that losing your Kailey has changed your daily activities to a huge extent. Having a child with special needs is a 24 hour event. I know that your heart is yearning for your two sweeties, and I am praying that you feel their presence and thier peace.

Goodnight Everyone, my love to you all,

[ericasmom]

Wow, while I posted a whole page posted, so Hi to Beth, to All and goodnight.

By the way Diane, I don't see anything wrong with holding the shirts of your Nate. Maybe you should go get some of his things for yourself. Tangible items can give some comfort.

dee

[crystalann]

Thank you all for careing and being here! Diane, I did see Tyler twice in dreams a couple of days after once alone and once with my mom. I dont know if it is him visiting me or just me needing to see him so badly. And yes sometimes it feels like I am haveing a heart attack but have had problems with axiety and stress and know that feeling well. I know this is the most pain I have ever felt.I spend half the time acting like it didnt happen avoiding the truth and when that wears off it is even harder.I dont know if im up or down leftor right. I am so sorry to all the new names here. I am having a hard time remembering names im sorry maybe my memorie will get better Thanks,Crystal

[charsng1234]

its 1;30 am here in AZ and cant sleep. I took a sleeping pill does not help I was so angry tonight yelled alot at shane, I am so mad at the man that shot him. Shane was aware of something because he asked his friend to stay on the phone with him, as soon as he hung up the man shot my baby in the head!! I am in such pain, I was not there to hold his hand to be with him as he took his last breath! I dont know how to do this... I feel like giving up everyday, but some how make it another day! I want to move out of this state I now hate it here,the law the way they are protecting this killer.. He watched my son untill he got close enough to his window than shot!!! I moved here for my kids to have a better life, wow what a mistake. I am sooo tired but my mind will not let me sleep, Missing my son so much it just seems life is not worth living anymore,,,

[Guest msnher]

2am ramble about my day.....I keep replaying it over in my head so I decided to just share it and be done with it.

Day began better than average. Nice spring day. I cleaned as I listened and sang (loudly) to The Carpenter's..."Every sha-la-la-la, every woo-woo-oh-oh still shines....it's yesterday once more" I felt a bit like my old self. organized, clean, etc. I went to my noon meeting. I've mentioned the young woman (35 isn't young, but young enough to be my daughter) I've been trying to help. I gave her two assignments one week ago....call lifesteps (Transitional housing) and call self help. I told her to be completely honest with them. She did well calling lifesteps but when all she received from self help was a list of places to call to get financial assistance I knew she hadn't told them everything. I completely broke her confidence; which I'm completely okay with. She might not be but she hasn't said anything to me about it. After the noon meeting I approached a friend who is also a counselor for self help. He was shocked and said she should be in a safe house. I grabbed my friend, without discussing it with her, and told her we were going to self help together right now. My friend met us there. Turns out that wasn't even the place she had gone earlier. I marched right up to the desk with her (the office was empty except for the receptionist) and told her....Dave told us to meet him here. He said she needs to be in a safe house. She is forced to live with her father who is an active alcoholic and he raped her. She has nowhere else to go. The movers and shakers started moving and shaking. I sat in the lobby with her children while she was in the back offices. Two hours later I had to leave to take care of my own children......

But.....

While sitting in the lobby....the aflax insurance representative came in to sell them something. I saw him often when I was employed. We exchanged pleasantries..."How's retired life" stuff like that. As he and I talked another woman came out to meet me. She knew Stephanie. She said she worked at the transitional housing where Steph lived before she died. She said when she found out I was there (in the lobby) she had to come meet me. She told me what a light Stephanie was in her life. She told me she would love to sit down with me sometime and visit. I thanked her and told her that was music to my heart to hear her talk about my daughter. Meanwhile, the aflax insurance guy hears all this and all of a sudden is an professional grief counselor.....but, he is interrupted when the head man over self help comes out to greet him and listen to his self pitch. Turns out I knew him (the head man) too. He knew Stephanie too. He greeted me and told me and another friend were just talking about me and Steph the other day.

The insurance/professional grief counselor pipes in and says "I'm really sorry that your daughter died, but it just goes to show you something good comes out of everything."

I almost laughed and said in my loud, sarcastic voice, "Well, THAT'S one for the book - the stupid things people say."

He left....the head honcho winked at me...

Oh. The insurance/professional grief counselor kept trying to get the little girls I was watching to talk to him. They wanted nothing to do with him. I said "they don't talk to strangers." He said, "Well that's good, but next time you (meaning the little girls) see me I won't be a stranger so you can talk to me." I stopped him in his tracks on that one..."Oh yes you will be a stranger and they don't have to talk to you."

After my young friend came out of her meeting with the REAL counselors I left. I got a call from the school.

8yr old Jasmine threatened to have her mom slit the throat of a little girl. She got in trouble last week for bullying. I thought we were over it. Jasmine was sitting next to the teacher as the teacher informed me - over the phone - what had happened. When she got off the phone with me Jasmine burst into tears. I went to the school and asked the principal what to do when your child's the bully......

She had to stay in her room after school until bed time....only coming out for dinner. At the dinner table, after the prayer, she had to talk to us about why she would tell someone she would have their mother slit their throat. What does she know about that....etc. Well, she knows her mommy died from her throat being slit. And, Cameron says it all the time. We also talked about what to do when we get angry....breath, count, walk away.....Jonathon said "act like a turtle." He says he curls up in a ball and waits until he's not mad anymore. Never heard that before...never seen him do it, but we praised him....

She's not allowed to play with Cameron anymore and we explained her friends might not be allowed to play with her anymore now either. And, she can't ride her brand new bike. At bedtime I just laid beside her and rubbed her head.

Anyway....that's what's keeping me up.....and, my Stephanie. It's not the same as it was when I first came here. The pain is different now. It's softer, but still there. Her absence is present in my life. How does that sentence go? She is the background noise of my life. Except it's not background noise, not yet. It's still pretty much the main attraction in my mind.

The grief/sorrow has turned to the background noise. I wear her death in my eyes, in my skin, in my voice. I think people have just gotten used to the new look. The new me. No more makeup.....30 lbs heavier...

I haven't heard from my young friend to know what happened. I sent her a text before I went to bed thanking her for allowing me to be a part of her life. Did I tell y'all that we bought an old car to let her use? I gave her some money last week. She said she still has some of it left. I can't help but compare everything she's going through with everything Steph went through. There are so many similarities. There are differences, too. She even has long, dark hair, like Steph.

Well, enough.

Susannah/Steph's mom

[shorty16]

Sherry

Horicon Marsh is both a Federal and State protected Wildlife sanctuary. In May of 2011 (usually Mother's Day Weekend), Horicon holds their Bird Fest.

Horicon offers guided tours of the Marsh with experienced birders. Really a great time. They even offer the night tours for bats, owls, etc. I would love to go with you.

Colleen

[zachysmom]

If anyone needs an ear I'm going go sit in the chat room for awhile.

[charsng1234]

I went into the chat room to talk but you logged off. Maybe I can catch you next time, sharon shanes mom

[ericasmom]

Hi All, I just went to chat but by the time I got there, you guys left...

Trudi, meant to tell you yesterday how lovely the music,and in fact, had the screen up here at school and asked the kids to listen, they all sang along with the words and asked about Micheal seeing his photo. They know about the grief website, they took delight in the Beatles and thought that that song was special to You. How right they are.

Sus, the aflec guy creeps me out and I can't help but picture him with a duck outfit on trying to lure children...oh to be the daughter of a pedophile, hard to reconcile...nice of you to help this woman, I will however caution you n ways that you have probably cautioned your own self, she might slip back into her old life, she might not be saved by you. It is so good of you to try however and she just might make it to the next step because of you. No gaurantees.

As far as Jasmine, wow, that is a hard one, she is doing to others what comes to her as it was done to her, threaten.

[zachysmom]

sorry everyone just as I went to chat hubby called and needed a homework assignment brought to him before class ended. I'll be back at about 11:15 in the chat room. Again sorry

[2 Angels in Heaven]

I can see there is some peace and comfort here in this group of you. Especially, with so many of you being at different levels of the grieving process. I Thank You for your wisdom and for letting others into your lives and supporting one another. There is no end to this pain, only comfort we can give each other who have suffered the same losses.

I not only have loss my 2 Daughters but, I have loss my Mom, Step Father, Grandparents, Great Grandparents and my Aunt. I know the pain of sorrow to well. I often feel like I have no one left in this world to talk to and seek comfort from.

Today is a hard day..... There are so many things that surround us with the memories of our loved ones, that in time help us heal. But, unfortunately right now are bringing on a flood of unwanted emotions for me. It's so hard to face the day when certain things, sounds, smells, places, foods and probably everything that trigger such a heart wrenching effect. I get that knot in my stomach then my eyes fill with tears, I tell my self to hold it back but sometimes I have to let it go. I try to keep up a facade at work and around people I don't know. It's a struggle everyday. The anger is starting to creep in and I find myself short tempered lashing out at such little things that other wise wouldn't have bothered me. I don't want to hear "How are you doing" because I don't have an answer to that question. For me the way I handle the overwhelming stress is I eat....... a lot! I've gain 10 lbs in the 5 weeks since my girls have died. My clothes are getting tight and I'm miserable. My thought processes are erratic, confusing and sometimes reckless. I don't see an end to my downward spiral.

[zachysmom]

ok I'm back and will be in the chat room if anyone wants to talk

[crystalann]

My answer to How are you doing? is Im doing! I hate that question I just want to cry.

[ericasmom]

I think that when folks ask how are you doing, it is fine to say, " I am not doing well, it will be a long time before I can answer anything else." That may help to make sure that that is the last time they ask, bu tmost don't mean harm by it, they just don't get that we don't get to feeling fine a week, month, year away from the saddest event in our lives.

be as well as you can...

[zachysmom]

please come to chat anyone you don't even have to talk if you don't want to just sit and know there is someone here if you need them.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Lorri I agree the comfort and understanding that we receive here is priceless. I do believe it saved my sanity. Just coming here and reading at times was all I could do but it helped. When you are up to it setting up an album in the Gallery truly helped me feel connected. Be very gentle with yourself

Dee thanks for your input about this cold It is rough

Sus your 2 AM rambles are priceless. What a compassionate, understanding, wise,clever soul you are

Colleen the Bird Sanctuary soundsso very special I am sure it is beautiful

Beth so good to see little Zachy's face and the thumbnail photo Such a precious little soul!!

I Sorry I cannot join chat I am still feeling terrible and am off to bed.

To all Indigos Amy, Rhonda, Karen, Sharen, Crystal, Christy, Sonya, Betsy, Trudi, Carol, Diane and to that I may have neglected to write here but are not forgotten have a Blessed Day

[zachysmom]

Just wanted to stop by and say hi before I had to go get my daughter off the bus. I also wanted to say thank you to those who chatted with me today I hope it helped some, I look forward to chatting with everyone again. As I said before if anyone needs me just pm me or email me at enesbitt@gmail.com and I will respond.

[mysonrich]

Betty, Susannah, I think we were a bit late for the super-moon. Seems as if it made its appearance early. Betty, NYC pics are spectacular.

http://ngm.nationalg...words=supermoon

Someone asked me yesterday ,” how are you”. Since no one wants to hear the truth and my reply, “fine” is safe and sometimes true, I use it often. It helps others. But, like yesterday this person replied to my “fine” with..” you're not supposed to say that. You should be better then just fine”...ok, I”M FREAKIN FABULOUS. ...joking with her but wanted to say, “ were you fine during your husbands last heath scare”. Makes me think of “man up”. Who ever said that.

So Saturday I figure out I misread the gauge that tells me how much heating oil is left. We run out. I asked my aunt if I could call abc oil company. “ No. We’ve used xyz oil company since 1892 and they can't deliver until Monday”. By Sunday morning we are both freezing. 1^st son tells me, “ she should have called 3^rd son. He can bring some over” ( me thinking,”why didn't you call him if you had this info”?) 3^rd son does bring oil over, temp goes up to 80. I can stand it but hey, what can I do.

Sometimes I think things are made more complicated in order to receive more attention. Granted,its needed and maybe I'm mean for thinking that but now, I don't feel so good.

Complain,complain,complain.

[dwsmithrn]

hi friends....not feeling so good today....sad this morning, turned into not feeling so good by afternoon....just rested today and cried most of day.

i am going to just rest the rest of the evening. just wanted to let you know why i am not going to be here for a few hours. maybe tomorrow i will

feel better....hope you all have some peaceful rest and feel better, too.

diane

[Guest msnher]

Acronym for fine - frustrated (or "F'd up) Insecure - Neurotic and explosive. "Fine" works.

Love the pictures of the supermoon, Betsy.

Lori - Scattered thoughts are just part of this new journey. I still space out mid sentence.

Dee - Yep, he creeped me out too. I'm more detached from the situation with my young friend today. Now that I know she's in touch with the right people I can breath easier. Instead of resenting me she said she is grateful because she could never have voiced what happened to her by herself.

Not feeling well tonight. Took a three hour nap earlier. Just achey.

I hope you all get a moments rest...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

sus....my new response to 'how are you today?' is SSDD

and i will say it outloud to whom ever asks it...diane

[zachysmom]

was doing good earlier but now in a bad place. oh well like Diane said SSDD

[dwsmithrn]

betsy....i think those questions are why i can't leave my house...i hate to run into people and they ask how i am doing? what the hell? how do they think i am doing....exactly like i am doing...not very well. like crap warmed up over and over. or something like that. i just start crying and never do answer. i wonder how they feel once they get that response from me. maybe they just won't ask anymore. i don't want them to ask at all. diane

[mysonrich]

fine= foot in nether exit. yup, fine does work. so many possibilities. ssdd is probably better. (((((((Diane)))))))))

[dwsmithrn]

yep, i've come to like saying it as well....even my brother liked it. he said keep on saying it as much as you like, sis.

[dwsmithrn]

better go lie down...think i have a fever...not feeling very well...hope you all get some rest tonight. wish i could. but at least i can lie down.

wish we could all just NOT be here, but we are, for reasons i will never know. i am sad, so sad tonight. whoops, there go tears in my keyboard.

amazing, this keyboard is holding up......talk tomorrow....diane

[hotrod]

Good Evening Indigos

Betsy Thanks for the pictures It does appear that I was out too late to get the full effect. I love to read about what is up in your day. Your "Dry delivery" of situations is priceless. The heating oil confusion had me lsughing out loud. Please take care my friend.

I have been sleeping off and on all day and still do not have any energy To all who are feeling this added burden of ill health please be extra gentle with yourselves

Diane I remember reading that "SSDD" in one of my Stephen King or Dean Kontz books many years ago and it struck a powerful cord then. That was before I lost Stephen . Have not thought of it in a long time. I think I perfer to just look at the person and they know the answer. Take care

[daveydow1]

Hello to all Indigos. I went out and looked at the 'Supermoon" the other night. Amazing.......how close it looked, and bright.

Diane---I'm glad to see you back at BI. I, so, know what you mean about people in the family not understanding your

grief. I think that you are right to not talk to your sis about your grief. What's the point....if she doesn't get it ? I, too, have

a sis who I don't talk to about grief. I just know she would not understand, and she is quite impatient with other people.

So, when I talk to her........it's all lightweight chat.....that's all. I think that it would be good if you brought some of Nathan's

shirts home.........I find that clothing & personal belongings can be a great comfort. While we will shed tears when we

hold these items, they are OURS......they belong to us.......just as our children were ours. So glad that your husband is

so very kind and supportive. Other people making dumb remarks------everyone will say they mean well, and I guess that

they do, but the remarks still hurt. It's good to shield oneself from them if possible.

Peace to you, friend.

Beth-----So good to see sweet little Zacky's smile, and to know that you are here at BI.

Colleen----That nighttime experience would be so nice........I've always been interested in owls, bats, and night birds. Do you

go there (Horicon Marsh) often, or is it far from you?

Betsy----Oh, sorry that you ran out of heating oil. We also have oil heating. So far we've been lucky not to run out. Years back,

we had oil heat, and ran out, and the oil line had to be "bled" because air got into it and caused airlock, I guess. What an

ordeal. I was 8 mo. pregnant, and had to do the line bleeding myself,----after we got someone to bring us some oil.

My husband was working the 3-11 shift, and we were freezing. Finally got it going again......to my great relief.

Betty------did you see the "Supermoon" the other night ?. You said that BI saved your sanity. I, too, feel that it saved mine,

because I have very few I can talk to about my loss. Some might say that my sanity was a bit "shaky" to begin with ,

but ........BI is a lifeline.

Sending thoughts & prayers to all the BI family, and especially all the parents who are so very new to this road. Peace be with you.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[aim630]

When I'm asked how I am, I always say "fine". I've found people really don't want to hear the truth, it makes them uncomfortable. I like Susannah's & Betsy's explanations for what F.I.N.E. really stands for!

Lori-I've drowned my sorrows in food also. I've gained about 15 lbs in the past year, but the bad thing was I needed to lose about 40 lbs before that. So now none of my clothes fit, and I am miserable. We all have different ways of dealing with our grief. Some don't eat, and some eat too much. I know I need to start exercising & eating better, but sometimes it takes all my strength just to survive, day by day, let alone making a real effort. Maybe as it gets warmer, I'll get some motivation. Your girls, Vanessa & Kailey, are beautiful. I can't imagine trying to deal with the loss of 2 of your children, especially in such a short time frame. I only hope you'll find some peace in the thought that Kailey wanted to be with her sister, and they are together now. I know that really doesn't help. When people told me Ashley was in a better place, I wanted to scream at them "Her best place was with me!".

Diane-I'm glad you've been able to send us a couple of posts recently. I think you should have some of Nathan's shirts. Any kind of connection with our kids is comforting in a small way. I hated leaving the house at first too. Just hang in there, post when you can & let us know you are ok.

I'm sorry to everyone who has been & continues to be sick this winter. I haven't been, but it seems like most people I know have come down with a nasty cold or flu. I'm sure it will hit me soon.

The wedding Saturday (my step-daughter)went fine. Nikki's stepdad talked to Jeff before the wedding & thanked him for allowing him to walk her down the aisle. He said it meant a lot to him. I was still somewhat angry about it, but as long as Jeff is ok, I decided to let it go. The grandkids are precious, little Sofia, who is only 5 wks old, up to 7 1/2 year old Audrey who seems so grown up now. I hate the fact the Ashley will never have children, but she always said she wasn't having any anyway. Chris & Nikki (my 2 step-daughters) are taking Katie prom dress shopping on Saturday. Ashley always took Katie, so I think that is their way of trying to get closer to her. Katie is not very comfortable with them since they did not grow up in the same house. Chris is 10 yrs older, and Nikki is 5 1/2 yrs older than Katie. At least they are trying.

Well, I've read a lot over the last few days & wanted to respond to it all, but need to get some sleep. Today while I was supposed to be getting ready for work, I was asleep, dreaming (about work, ironically). I got up 15 minutes before it was time to leave.

Thinking of all of you,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[andy88]

I would love to tell you more about my son, Andy, who died on 2/11/11. I just don't have it in me tonight. I'm sooooo tired all the time, even when I get a good night's sleep. In a way, I'm glad to be back at work, but I find myself barely able to stay awake during the day. Is that normal? Is anything normal any more? But today was one of the ok days, so that's good. I find myself wishing I'd had more children. I know that wouldn't replace my beautiful boy, but I feel like it would have made this more bearable. Maybe not. Thanks for listening!

Pam

[lolynbo]

When ppl ask me how I'm doing. I say "well I'm off the couch". Sadly they ask less and less.

[ericasmom]

I am sorry to hear that several more folks here are getting the bug that I have had, my husband seems to be coming down with it as well, and several teachers and students felt ill today. Get a lot of rest is all I can suggest which of course is easier said than done. I had the chills and a slight fever when it first began, and the chills lasted long after the slight fever, the throat was sore and the tiredness was extreme. Then came laryngitis and still while I have a voice, it sounds scratchy and I continue to have a periodic cough.

So everyone take good care, drink lots of fluids.

Diane, thanks for letting us know how you are today. I hope that if you have this bug that you will take extra care of you.

Sorry for the density that is my brain, but someone please tell me what the SSDD means. I know I should be able to figure it out, but again, dense. Oh and if it is swearing all the better.

Pam, you are brand new here and I have to wrap my arms around you and tell you to come here and let us know whenever you are able. Tell all you can about your Precious Son Andy. HOw old he was when he left, what kind of a child he was, all the stories you feel up to sharing. We are here and never tire of these, we tell them too. i am so sorry that you are here however, so sad that another new member has come. Blessings to you. I lost my Girl Erica when she was 19 when her car was struck by an Amtrak in Michigan. It was a reported broken crossing, she was struck and lived for 6 days on machines before we had life support stopped. She was and always will be a light in my life, in my heart. Her 27th birthday is coming on April 4. 4-4-84. I miss her and have been dreaming of her lately, she is young in my dreams, a little girl. Just brief encounters and zip, she is gone.

We live just outside Chicago, Eri and her brother Jon lived in Kalamazoo for a time while they were going to school. Right after ERica died, Jon moved back here but into his Dad's home two blocks from mine and my husband. My exhusband, Michael, died two years ago this March 31st. Jonathan has dealt with much. There is nothing easy about the road you are on but just know that we are all on it with you. Always.

Sherry, I agree, the night walk sounds fascinating. So does the day walk. It is howling winds tonight, rain promised again, with 40mph winds predicted. Hang on to your hats.

Betsy, the oil story was a good one to be sure, the complications of a life...you are a good woman.

Beth, it is not uncommon to have a burst of feeling better to be met with a down in the dumps mood. That too is part of grief, the up and down roller coaster affect. Be kind to you, perhaps tomorrow or the next day you will feel more energy again.

[ericasmom]

Amy forgot to tell you that I was glad to hear that the wedding went well adn that Katie's step sisters want to take her shopping. While she does not feel close, it is a nice gesture. HOpe she finds a pretty dress...long or short?

Lorri, love the response of : off the couch.

Going to watch WHAT NOT TO WEAR...pretty sure that I am wearing everything that they would throw out...oh well.

[zachysmom]

Today was not about my angel it was my daughter and hubby. Daughter is soon to be diagnosed bipolar and when she got home she wanted to go out and play but we had to take hubby to an evening class so when we got home I let her ride her bike. She kept going down the driveway and not listening and it just got worse from there. When it came time to go she threw a fit, yelled and screamed bloody murder you would of thought I was beating her and all I was doing was trying to pick her up to put her in the car. Not easy to do to a 130 pound almost 9yr old. When I finally got her in the car she kept screaming as we drove down the road. Then when I tried talking to hubby about a comment he made about our counseling session he turned it around on me and said that I made him look like a demon during the session and he wanted to hit me. Lots of decisions to make in this household.