Loss of an Adult Child

[charsng1234]

It is 8:47 pm and I can not get shane off my heavy heart tonight! I did his taxes today It was sooo hard I have been crying on and off today! I am putting the money in a account for his son when he arrives. I am so sad tonight missing him more each day that passes me. I am angry for shane telling me he would be ok,, MOM stop he would say I am 22.. I just worried because his drinking was out of control!! Now I look at his pictures and think why?? I am afraid to live I dont want this pain anymore this is not who I am. I dont care about what I look like when I go to work, I could care less what ppl think of me. I dont know how to do this. I feel a strain now on me and my husband. I told him he is changing he said you to !! Well I am sorry my son is gone!!! I told him of course I have changed!!! I keep thinking how does one's life go on without there child?? I am doing one day at a time but its killing me inside!!!All I know is give me my son back GOD!!! PLEASEEEEE!!!!! I don't know what I am doing tonight with all these emotions I am torn up inside... Shanes mom...

[mikesmomrs]

"I don't know what I am doing tonight with all these emotions I am torn up inside..." Sharon, what you are doing, is grieving. And, coming here to express yourself, because "here" is where you will find the understanding you are looking for. Of course, you've changed! How could you not? Dee has said in the past, that we change considerably when we give birth, how could we not change when one we gave birth to, is gone from our lives? You and your husband have both changed, and you may change again, but knowing this is half the battle...understanding that this will happen may help you both to find the right path to comforting one another. Prayers for you both, as you walk on this journey that none of us ever did or ever would sign up for. We are with you, holding you close. Kudos to you for staying the whole day at work...one day at a time, Sharon, one day at a time.

Betty: hope you got out to see the seals...such a delight! Loved the pic of you and your friends in St. Patrick's day mode...you all look wonderful, and like you were having a really good time, too!

Lorri: So sorry about the little one on the four wheeler...such unnecessary tragedy...a four wheeler is a motorized vehicle. So sorry for the parents, we all know the pain they are feeling.

Sus: thanks for sharing the music...I will have to listen to it tomorrow...same for the song you added, Dee...Mike's two older boys are here tonight, and Cahndler went to sleep with my computer headphones on.

Betsy: Glad that there will be extra help for your brother...keeping them all in my prayers...you, too! I do know what you mean about not understanding why the 4 kids can't come forward...I used to get so upset with my sisters and brothers when they would go weeks without calling or going to see my mom...she would be so hurt. "Dear Abby" wrote one time "One mom can take care of eight kids, but eight kids can't take care of one mom." Sadly, that seems so true. You are so good to not leave your aunt in the lurch. Did I tell you thank you so much for sharing your beautiful flower pics...can't remember if I did, and I am too far ahead to look back without losing this post...

Dee, yes, the apartment hunt is partly why I haven't been on in a bit...also,we have Mike's two older boys til tomorrow...taking them to lunch, meeting Sarah and Damon there, then the older boys will come back to the house with us for a couple of hours...Damon has a birthday party for his "will be 4" y/o cousin, Connor. (who is cute as a bug and sweeter than cane sugar) As for the apartment hunt, I did find a couple of good prospects, but Davis has decided to wait for another 3 paydays to save more in his "emergency fund," which I think is a great idea, and am so proud of him for doing that! The other part is having to go for another blood test yesterday and being called last night to be told that my levels are "off"--supposed to be 2-3, and has been 2.5, but has slipped to 1.3. (levels necessary to regulate the Coumadin) Also got news this morning of a very close friend's dad had a stroke last week and is now in rehab. He is paralyzed on one side, but is doing really well attitude-wise. He is only 3 years older than I am! Please keep him and his family in your prayers...this has been quite a shock for them...he has never, ever been sick. I have been moaning about having to take new meds now, on a schedule, blood tests, etc., etc., and now I find out that while I was being taken care of (wonderfully so, I might add) to avoid having a stroke, in the very same hospital, my friend's dad entered the hospital as I was leaving, because of his having had a stroke! I know his family is going crazy with worry. I am so blessed that this viral illness I had brought me to the hospital and that was how they found out that the a-fib needed additional treatment... blessed and thankful. Glad your company's visit is shortened to one day...sounds like that is enough for you at this time...hope your voice returns soon. Your "worries" about the kids falling down the stairs...so normal, your "mom" instinct always there, assessing the situation. Nightime worries are so reminiscent for me of when we lived in our previous house. I was always worried when Mike stayed with us that he would wake up with a seizure and wind up at the bottom of the stairs (the door to his room was very close to the top of the stairs)...difficult to find a "gate" that would hold back a 6 foot, 225 lb man...(Mike's seizures were mostly nocturnal) Strangely, somehow, I always woke up as soon as he would start...I would come flying out of the bed and be across the hall before he was on the floor. Seizures are horrid things...you can't do anything at all but watch, making sure he is not hurting himself by banging into something as he seizes. (He ripped the skin off his forehead once when he was alone in his apartment, got up to use the bathroom, seized and fell on the indoor-outdoor carpeting face down and "burned" the skin off his forehead during the seizure movements. His face first hit the corner of the leg of the fan in his room and almost knocked his eye out. It was well over a year before the scars healed...a bright red angry mark across his forehead, shaking my heart every time I saw it, reminding me it could happen again....little did I know, I was worrying about the wrong thing.

Trudi, I also say good luck with the research and the writing, and also with Mal's birthday...will it be in the hills?I hope you are able to get to the ocean to perhaps eke out another few days of warm sun as the seasons change...I know that you like being there no matter the weather, but it is always nice to be able to greet the warm sun in the morning.

Diane, Karen, Crystal, Christy, Jenn, Amy, Sherry, Sonya, Rhonda, Leah...thinking of all of you and all those I haven't mentioned...holding you all close in prayer and thought.

We have thick cloud cover tonight, so the "supermoon" is hidden from us. A beautiful day, though, same as Betsy had out her way...73, warm, bright sun all day... snow almost all melted.

By the way, so sorry about the "teeny tiny" letters in my previous post...they looked okay in my preview, and didn't have time to change it when I posted it and saw how tiny they were!!

We decided to go up to Mike's memorial site to remove the wreath, seeing as we can finally get to it, with the snow gone. The sun was shining bright and very warm on my face as I stood there, untwisting the wires that held it in place...my mind racing to places of sweetness and sorrow that live in every corner of my heart...Mike SO loved the spring...he seemed to "blossom" each spring, after a long, trying winter...he had a mild to moderate SAD (seasonal affective disorder) and some winters it was much worse than others. Spring always seemed to give him new life--even the spring he was diagnosed with that second, much-dreaded brain tumor and told it was only a matter of time...the spring brought joy to his heart, a smile to his eyes, and he rejoiced. My tears fell as I stood there by his gravesite and once again, felt the words travel through my brain "no 'new life' for him this spring...he is gone." Memories, like clips from movies, ran through my mind as I sat there on the bench, still wondering how this could be...how could I be sitting by my son's gravesite...how could it be 4 1/2 years since I saw his face, his eyes, heard his voice...how can this be? Finally, I was able to force myself to halt the tormenting thoughts, stood up and carried the wreath to the van, and placed it in the back...still with all the decorations we added at Christmas. As we pulled away, I could smell the faint lingering scent of pine coming from the wreath, almost as a reminder..."I'm not gone, mom, I am still here...I am still here." I love you, Mike, and miss you so much!

Mike, (two weeks status post his second brain surgery) teaching Damon early of the art of total focus and concentration...on the TV!

[kmb22]

Carol- I’m sorry to hear of your friends dad, he will certainly be in my prayers. I also hope they are able to get your levels back where they should be. Thank you for sharing your visit with Mike, I’m glad he was able to remind you he is, and always will be, with you.

Dee- I love the video, and Nick’s and Buckingham performing together. I have some of their older stuff, one of my favorites is a beautiful version of their song Crystal. I’m sorry you’re still feeling lousy I hope you’re able to get some rest tonight.

Susannah- Thank you too for the beautiful videos. I can only imagine is one of my favorite songs; I’m just learning how to play it on the guitar; the intensity always makes me cry. I appreciate your faith in my returning faith. Mine seems to consist of two parts, belief, and as you mention, trust. The former remains; the latter still waivers.

Trudi- Congrats on your return to your studies. I had just finished the classes so I could sit for my broker’s license test prior to the accident. I’ve been trying to study lately but I can’t seem to focus on the words. I still have a couple months so hopefully it will get easier. Good luck with all of your research; I’m sure your paper will be great.

Lorri- I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of another precious young one. It seems every time I put on the news I hear of another tragic loss. I don’t know if I’m just noticing more or if it is, as it seems, happening more.

Betsy- Thank you for your sweet words, both of my boys inherited their eyes from me. Unfortunately, they inherited a couple of my bad traits too . I understand your confusion about your aunt’s request and her kid’s inability to find the time. It’s nice she feels comfortable to ask you but I have to agree her children should be involved.

Colleen- Those are great words of advice. I’ve learned to give myself permission to keep certain people out; I’m only just learning to not feel bad about it.

Rhonda- I understand your struggle with this young man. It’s so hard to distinguish where that line between being supportive and tough love. One of Shawn’s friends has always had a difficult time. Most of his troubles with a law involved driving; he lost his license for five years, did some time in jail for it, and within a year of finally getting his license back he lost it again for a DUI. He goes through at least a couple jobs a year but then loses them for not showing up. He also drinks quite a bit and seems to be in an awful depression. He and Shawn have been friends for about twenty years, and I’ve watched him grow up. He calls almost every day and has been staying at the house fairly often lately. His family has pretty much given up but I can’t; he has a kind heart he just can’t pull it together. Part of me thinks tough love might be in order but I just don’t have any tough left in me. I do hope Westley’s young friend takes this time to see he can overcome his mistakes and be better for them. I am sure he appreciates your support.

Sharon- I too am proud of you for getting through the day at work. As others have said that’s a pretty big deal, one I haven’t yet accomplished myself. I’m still kind of lost in the what to do next stage. I understand the mixed emotions. I worried all the time too and my boys used to say I get too crazy over the stupidest things. No matter how much we tried to convince them we knew best it seems we could never quite get them to believe it. I wonder if I thought I knew it all at that age. I can’t remember back that far but I seem to recall feeling a little clueless most of the time. I’m sorry your in so much pain tonight. I’m not sure how we find a way to go on but pray for us all some ease from the pain, even if for small moments at a time.

Crystal-Where is your brother’s shop? I remember you saying you were from the Maine area. I have one picked out I just want to make sure I find somebody good to do it. I’m glad to hear you’ve found someone who encourages you so positively. I hope you both have a great time at the concert.

Carrie- It’s good to see you we do worry when we don’t hear from all of our family members. I understand that feeling of looking back wishing we could change things; the “if only’s”… If only those didn’t exist.

Betty-I love the picture, thank you for sharing it. I’m glad the weather’s been great and you’ve been able to get out and enjoy it.

Amy- I love the white tattoo Ashley’s friend got. I got one years ago when I was going through my divorce, I won’t say it didn’t hurt but it wasn’t that bad. I’m glad dog week is over they sure are a lot of work. I’m sorry for the bittersweet memories at the airport. I pray someday the sadness will be eased by the memories of how much they lived.

Well, it’s almost 4:00 in the morning and my eyes are starting to close. I just found my computer has a voice recognition program, I guess windows 7 comes with it… I never knew. It’s pretty cool, I just spoke this whole post and it typed it for me. A new way for me to be lazy… Great.

I hope you’re all sleeping peacefully. Love and prayers.

[Cdawn75]

sharon,

I and so many of us others know the out of control not knowing what you are doing feeling you are going through. I wish i could tell you the easy and simple answers and clues or hints to make everything better and normal for you. But things just arent so simple as easy anymore, and what is normal anymore? We all go through the same grieving process and its different stages....some of us further along then some, some freshly new. I dont really think that anything will ever be "normal" again us. As many grieving stages and steps we all go through and share, the willing to share and allow your "person" to help you make it through this process or how much you can allow your person to share with you does take a toll on a relationship. You learn to deal and cope and grieve your own way. Them there own way. After such loss it changes people. No one will be the same ever. Not me, not my ex husband, not my children , not you , your husband , anyone....and no one can expect there to be no change. So many times i heard you've changed , you dont want to be around me, you dont laugh, you dont smile, you dont love me.....i'm sorry i cant be the person i was yesterday i'm sorry that my son "our son" died. I'm sorry that i need to take care of me and i need to make sure i make it through a day, i'm sorry you feel like my attention is not on you, i've even said as much as i'm sorry that i loved my son more and i cant think, breath, function, and go on with my day like you seem to be able to do, in fact i cant stand the fact you dont seem to be that hurt, sad, broken, distraught. Death of a child is life shattering and altering change. But for myself change remained for months in my life and the lives of my other children. I Just couldnt believe the way my husband was acting, like my grieving was taking away from him and his time from his wife. He never wanted me to cry, wanted me to take anti anxiety meds to "feel better" to let this emotional break down pass until the next. Needless to say i couldnt deal with his needs and his emotions and his wants and focus, live, breath, function and i left him. But i also left the 3 younger kids with him for fear i already failed one child i didnt want to be responsible for anything that could possibly happen to another child. i filed for divorce....reconnected with a high school flame, who has turned out to be "the one". He is amazing. Without him i might not be here to share my story. but 1 and a half yrs into our relationship with my soul mate, my ex husband and i remain friends, my children now live with me again and life most days seem enjoyable, most days i can laugh and smile and share memories of my Clinton. I can even talk to my ex on the phone for a hr or so about our son and our memories of him. guess my story just comes down to the fact that people do change, and the matter of how well you can "share" and "lean" and "allow" your person to be involved in your healing process the less likely it will change this drastically, not that i'd have done anthing different cuz i believe whole heartedly that things happen for a reason, we all travel a time line provided for us at conception and thats what our time here on earth travels ....maybe i've helped or havent helped or i'm just rambling non sense which i've been known to do....my thoughts and prayers are with you .....

It is 8:47 pm and I can not get shane off my heavy heart tonight! I did his taxes today It was sooo hard I have been crying on and off today! I am putting the money in a account for his son when he arrives. I am so sad tonight missing him more each day that passes me. I am angry for shane telling me he would be ok,, MOM stop he would say I am 22.. I just worried because his drinking was out of control!! Now I look at his pictures and think why?? I am afraid to live I dont want this pain anymore this is not who I am. I dont care about what I look like when I go to work, I could care less what ppl think of me. I dont know how to do this. I feel a strain now on me and my husband. I told him he is changing he said you to !! Well I am sorry my son is gone!!! I told him of course I have changed!!! I keep thinking how does one's life go on without there child?? I am doing one day at a time but its killing me inside!!!All I know is give me my son back GOD!!! PLEASEEEEE!!!!! I don't know what I am doing tonight with all these emotions I am torn up inside... Shanes mom...

[ericasmom]

Karen, the cd they came out with in 2003 or 4 was not long after ERi died and the last two songs are Goodbye Baby and Baby Goodbye, both of which struck a chord for me, both sounding like saying goodbye to Erica, to our old life...turns out it had more to do with old lovers but hey, we interpret the way our hearts need. So not only do I love the amazing guitar work from MR> EGO there on stage, I love the words. I have enjoyed Fleetwood Mac though all of their years as well.

Sharon it is grief, it is life altering, it will twist you up as though you are in a funnel cloud spit you out in a place that no longer feels like home. It is a bad time, no time so awful and it lasts a long time, but it will soften one day. All of us are here to say that we too asked, how the hell am I going to live? I don't even want to go on, so why should I? We all did that and then we all knew that our Baby would be so heartbroken to think that they were the cause of our leaving. Stay put, and yes, husband and you have and will continue to change. Therapy is a good place to start understanding the changes that have rocked every part of your world. Hang on.

Carol, glad that you are home and okay, but I will hope that the levels work out soon leaving you feeling stronger and more confident.

Love to you

[ericasmom]

Christy, not rambling but expressing so much of what we all have gone through, and thank you for it. Glad that you and ex are friends now, I too am thankful for that friendship with my ex before Eri died, so that we could be supportive of one another in our grief. He has since died, coming up on two years, March 31.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Just a quick check in this morning. I browsed through the posts and will read thoroughly later (and listen to the song Dee posted).

Sharon - my heart hurts for your hurt and for the wall that seems to be forming between you and your husband. My counselor said that the death of a child will either bring a couple closer together or split them apart. It brought me and my husband closer, but not because of anything I did. If I were him I would have left me. I have been no picnic to be around. Yet, he stuck by me and picked up far more than his share of the relationship and often carries both our responsibilities. Gary is a gift to me, my children and now my grandchildren (our adopted children). My husband is a far better human being than I. Before you and your husband turn into to total strangers and/or enemies, I hope you will seek outside help.

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Betsy I am so glad that your brother and his wife are receiving support from their children I hear you about your aunt I am experiencing something of the same with my sister even though she has 3 children You are a blessing to all whose life you touch I saw the seals in NJ and came home to NY Went back down to NJ to walk the beach yesterday No seals.

I forget to identify the people in the picture I posted . Myself, Sister, Niece and her son Niece is my sister who passed 10 years ago daughter. She likes to remember her mom by visiting with us.

Dee, I do hope your voice has returned Thanks to you and Sus so much for the music

Carol Please do take care of yourself You are certainly such a caring person In my prayers

Karen Wow I do believe I have voice recognition on my Computer I will investigate that when I finish You are a busy lady Learning Guitar sounds like fun.

Christy You defined the grieving process very well I too have felt and heard and felt all that you mentioned This site kept me sane as I discovered my new normal.

Sharon please try to rest and be gentle with yourself

Rhonda I hear you about this young friend of Westley's I think you are following your heart and that is what counts

Trudi Good luck with your studies

Need to run have Blessed day Indigos

[daveydow1]

I've gotten behind ....again......and it's hard to catch up, but I will try. Thanks to each and everyone for your

posts. I read them all if I can. Two nice days in the 60s here......now back to the low 40s. But, I'll

take the warm days anytime I can get them.

Dee---Sorry you have laryngitis......hope that it is getting better. Also, thanks for the UTube song.....nice. You

mentioned Apr. birthdays. A lovely time of year to be born. I have 3 kids with birthdays in May. Lisa, 5th,.....

Chris 6th.......and Tammy 31st. Also,....I had not heard that the number 4 was considered sacred, but as

you mentioned......there are several things in the rhythm of nature & the world that relate to the number 4.

Trudi-----Good luck with the classes.

Rhonda-----I so, know what you mean about cleaning out Wes' room, and how you haven't done that yet.

Just take your own time for that, Rhonda. It must have been a year before I could clean out David's room.

I simply could not go in there without having a terrible time of it. There is no real rush....as you said. Prayers

for Susan, who must take care of Andrew's room, since she will be selling her home. It is a very emotionally

charged, and sad thing to do......for sure. Peace, friend

Karen-----One way to tell Grackles from Starlings.........Grackles have a long tail.....sort of like a swallow-type

bird. They also have a purple glimmer to their wings if you see them perched somewhere when the sun

is shining on them. Starlings....on the other hand.....have a much shorter tail, and are a bit "dumpy" looking,

We get both types at our feeders, and the starlings are a raucus, pushy, kind of bird......scaring other smaller

birds away. I believe that you are wise in gently telling Wes' friend that his friends can't help him out of his

situation, just as others did not get him into the situation he's in. I have an acquaintenance who had a friend

in prison, and wrote to him. The one in prison wrote faithfully.....telling how he would go straight, ...got religious,

and on & on. Turns out when he got out, he was just looking for a place to live.....took advantage.....run up big

phone bills.....stole money etc. before being kicked out. Seems he did a turnaround of 360 degrees from all

that he was saying when he was still in jail. Skipped the state.....leaving his parole officer hunting for him. Not

to say that Wes' friend would be like that, of course. He probably is sincere. Just my 2 cents worth. Hope you

don't mind.

Sus----How very sweet.....to release 28 pink & purple balloons on Steph's 28th birthday. She must have been

thrilled to see them all coming up her way.

Betsy---Thanks, friend......for you kind words. Sending continued prayers for Laura and your brother. I, too, used

to listen to the song...Downtown. Good song. You had such a lot of sorrow and upheaval in your life in such a

short period of time. I agree....we could not have prevented our child's death, and yet we still sometimes wonder

what we could have done. Part of this lousy road we're on, sadly.

Betty-----Great pic of your St Pat's Day outing. I had my mom (age 91) over for the traditional corned beef & cabbage

dinner. Used to have it every year, but discontinue after Dave's death. Just didn't feel up to it. But this year, I decided

to jump in and have it. It turned out well. The Highway Patrolman handling the crash where Dave was killed, was

so very nice and considerate......giving me info I needed. The rude jerk who answered the phone, was just some clerk, I guess.

Crystal----Thanks for the ST PATS DAY wishes. Hope you had a nice day too.

Sharon-----Sorry that your dream of Shane was a bit unsettling. Dreams are so hard to decipher sometimes, and

leave us wondering about them.

Chrystal-----I'm glad that you tried the country music channel, and that Chelsea likes having the song as her

ringtone.

Amy---My kids also have a mixture of blood......Scotch, Irish, English, Hungarian, and Italian. Wow.

Lorri----So sorry that Kourtney's MYSPACE comments are lost. I know how it makes you feel. Sorry, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[crystalann]

Hard day no sleep last night I have been listening to Heart like mine by Maranda Lambert sometimes it helps.

[sadmomm]

Hi Rhonda and Karen and Dee and Susahnnah and Sharon and everyone else. Thanks for saying hi.

Sharon. I am so sorry you are in such deep dispair. I think we all know what you are going through. And for me I don't think I will ever stop with the visions.... I don't feel much like life either. I tell myself to do something. But I don't... My son had a very tragic death also and it haunts me like i know yours does .. After a year it is still surreel... And I ask myself how can it be a year... IT is very very sad... I like you don't know how this happened. I like you know it could have been prevented... I am so sorry and share your pain every single day.. love to you carrie

[kmb22]

Sherry- I do believe they were grackles; they didn’t look dumpy at all. Actually, they were quite pretty. Your advice about our children’s troubled friends is so true. Though I think it was meant for Rhonda, regarding Westley's friend, I can certainly use it in my situation with Shawn’s friend. I find it much more difficult playing tough without fear of regret these days, but I guess we do need to keep the feelings of believing we can save them from their own choices in check.

Betty- The program is really neat. I had seen a commercial about the dragon software which is one of the big voice recognition programs so I started reading up on it. I came across an article speaking of the program in windows 7; I didn’t even know it had it. They only just started getting computers in school the last couple of years I was in high school, and back then it would take ½ hour to write the code to make a smiley face on the screen. It amazes me how far technology has come. The guitar, I started playing many years ago. Music has such a strong connection, I always say you’ll know the mood I’m and in if you listen to the music I play. It is a lot of fun too.

Dee- One of the things I love about music is, as you’ve said, how our hearts interpret it. I’ve always been in awe of the way music can connect people, even nations, together. We’ve cried together to songs like We are the world, stood a little taller together to Lee Greenwood’s God bless the USA, and “Imagine”’d together along with John Lennon. I could on all day about music.

Both of the songs you mention are beautiful. I had to laugh at your Mr. Ego comment; I did like him much better before reading more about him. Years ago I came across an album they put out together, in 1973, prior to Fleetwood Mac. That was the first time I heard “Crystal”, the words are hauntingly beautiful…

Do you always trust your first initial feeling?

Special knowledge holds truth, bears believing

I turned around

And the water was closing all around

Like a glove

Like the love...that had finally, finally found me

Then I knew

In the crystalline knowledge...of you

Drove me through the mountains

Through the crystal-like clear water fountain

Drove me like a magnet....to the sea

How the faces of love have changed

I'm turning the pages

And I have changed...oh, but you...you remain ageless

I turned around

And the water was closing all around

Like a glove

Like the love..that had finally, finally found me

then I knew...in the crystalline knowledge of you

Drove me through the mountains

Through the crystal-like, clear water fountain

Drove me like a magnet...to the sea

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's.....I am missing all of you but still "no wonderful words of wisdom to share"...... Just letting you all know how much I love all of you, you are in my prayers and thoughts always. Prayers, love and strength, Kathy

[mikesmum]

Ahh study...well I have learnt that if I'm supposed to be writing a paper but I'm visiting here its called avoidance..emotional coping to the stress of presenting my findings

I prefer to think that I'm dropping in on friends for morale support and a cuppa.

Hot here today, or is that my brian burning...ooopppss my brainb

[Cdawn75]

good morning my friends....i woke up to the sound of thunder this morning. I love the sounds of thunderstorms! Wishing it was a lot warmer out. The feeling of rain drops splashing among your head and face is a beautiful feeling. Kinda like a calming effect. i just like it. i'm gettin more and more excited for april to get here but then again a little worried. My boyfriend and i are going to talladega to the race again this yr! Last year when he took me to dega, alabama it was the first time in my 35 yrs of life i ventured out into the real world and had left iowa. As a worry wart i worried a lot about the kids, what if what if .....thats a long ways away to be when your kid gets hurt ....if you dont worry about those kinds of things enough its so much more intense after the loss of a child, so we got all packed headed out talked to the kids a few times on the way there last yr all is well....i get a call from my sister asking me why mom was in the U of I hospital in ICU ....WHAT?? YOUR SERIOUS?? I"M IN KENTUCKY! i wanted to turn around and go back home , called my dad....called the Hospital spoke with her nurse and she assured me she was more stable then she was when she arrived LAST NIGHT.....kiddin me right? she was there hours before we packed up and left....its my mom and dad to not worry me and not say anything for me to be able to get away from the state of iowa for awhile... well so we stayed on our route and i'm prolly sure that the nurses got tired of my frequent calls....but they always assured me she was getting more and more stable every hour ...the next day she was sent to a regular room....i was more relaxed and got to enjoy my time in Tennessee and alabama ....my first trip away from home home.....not so good when worryin is your norm! So yeah i'm so nervous about going this year most definitly now especially since my 18 yr oldest daughter is due to have her first baby Alyssa May 11th and i will be gone from april 15th thru the 18th or 19th! .....good lord help me not to be so uptight and worried and help me have a good time and get away from all the chois in my life

[rlolheiser]

just a quick note to tell you I am ok. I have been really sick and just getting by. Between that, my hectic life, and my computer that won't stay online for more than 5 minutes, I have all but given up.

I have missed so much and there are so many to read.. can't even try.

I still talk to our angels and try to talk to God.. but not sure anymore if anyone is listening.

My son looked at me the other day and asked me Why don't you cry anymore mom?... I never dreamed he would miss it.. he hated it when I cried... my daughters have told me how cold I am... and I don't know what I am.

My heart goes out to the new parents here.. I have no words of wisdom..just sadness for their loss.. and I can't even cry... I miss not crying too... I think of my girl, and I can't cry.. think of dad and can't cry.. think of my life and can't cry.. think of mom and all we go through.. and there just are no tears left.. I feel hollow.. something is missing... oh well

I mostly wanted to let you know I am ok.. I do think of you all.. can't always read.. this is the longest I kept online... guess I should go before I lose it...

Love to you all and I hope peace finds you

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Leah so glad you checked in I missed seeing JaBoa sweet face. I understand about the tears drying up and this sadness still remaining. Please be gentle with yourself and when possible come and read or share You are always in our thoughts

Christy I understand your concerns We have all enough experience to project stuff into the futures. I do try to put it aside and have a good time. I know when I go away these days I try to do it One day at a Time and trust that whatever happens I will be able to handle it In the meantime I try to enjoy the day

Karen loved the music and words to Crystal You mentioned computers in school I was working for 5 years before the secretaries got electric typewriters!!! Now you know how far I have come I do not have input speakers on my laptop but Love the idea of being able to speak my posts Thanks

Dee Thanks for the music to GoodBye Brought tears

Kathy, Lorrie, Betsy Glad you stopped in

Trudie Get back to the books You can walk the beach with Sir Mutley AFTER your paper is complete

Sherry thanks for the information on Starlings and Grackles for a City person I am beginning to know and see the difference. Glad you decided to reintroduce St Pats with your mom I found that if I just try to do a few small things I feel better.

Carol Thinking of you

I went out to see the Moon lst night and was disappointed it appeared brighter but I did not see any big difference

Have a special day Indigos In my thoughts

[ericasmom]

Leah, I echo Betty's words, I was missing you and Sweet Jaboa here, but I sure understand that there are many obstructions to your getting online. I am sorry that you were sick, but glad that you are recovering now. YOu are not heartless, and the reason your Kids are saying what they are is that it provides them an outlet perhaps to vent their anger/sadness. I think everyone is used to piling it on you, the caregiver, and now with no tears, you are different than what they are used to. You are not heartless you have a heart as big as that moon last night, but you are cried out right now. Several folks here have gone through dry spells, hollow times, it is another piece of the process of grief. Not an easy piece either because at least with tears, we are in touch with how we are feeling, the hollows shows us that we are not sure of what to feel. Be kind and patient with yoursellf, with the others? Let them figure out the meals the cleaning and the laundry and maybe then they will let up on you.

Betty, glad that you liked the music. Have a great day.

Clinton's Mom, it is understandable to be worried and or nervous before leaving town, I always am, even before I had kids. You are going to have a fun time, and I wish you a joyous vacation.

dee

[ericasmom]

Happy first moment of spring later today...

Spring is trying her best to come forward,

A shy start will give way to boldness

And that strength paints the landscapes of both cities and countryside

Vibrant hues of life returning.

She is present in the magic of rebirth,

Her pink love blesses our steps into the days.

I so miss my little PINK DAUGHTER, Erica Eileen.

It is raining hard right now, thunder and lightning too, a storm pushing winter out and making room for spring. The house if finally quiet, our visitors are on the road to their home in Central Illinois, boy, having a toddler here and an angry young 7 year old boy who refused to eat food unless it was crackers and chocolate milk, ( to which his granma indulged and I wanted to scream)and who thought you were mean if you said not to do something and would collapse into tears and yelling,,,I am so ready for quiet. I am going to go the gym and work out and come home and get some shut eye maybe, a bit of a nap...I am so selfish with my time, so very selfish, I am the toddler sometimes I think, wanting to stamp my foot and say no, everyone go away. I have always needed alone time, and since Erz died and as I get older, I need it even more, but I do become selfish with it.

Love to all oh, and Leah, don't try to catch up on reading, just jump in when you are able, you are always a part of the day for us.

[shorty16]

Sherry – my fellow bird person!!! Thanks for the explanation. Starlings are an imported species; they are not native to the US of A. They are thought of as invasive, because they displace native species. Starlings appear spotted when adults. Many think the Starling is a beautiful bird; that is why they were imported from England. I am not one of their fans. We should go birding sometime!!!

Christy – Your daughter is having a baby – WOW. My oldest is 21 with no marriage or baby in site. That is OK. You sound great today. It is so nice to hear our friends on their good days as well as their bad. When I read your first post explaining Clinton’s death, I could not help but be drawn to your story; completely preventable, teenage stunt. That is why it is especially exciting for me to hear you happy. It takes a lot of work, but it can be done. Please continue to post – Do you know the gender of Alyssa’s baby?

Trudi – Going back to school – I am so proud of you. School takes discipline that I have lost over the 25 years since College (opps??!, I am aging myself). With grandchildren, family, and friends, we hope you are in “avoidance” mode at least a couple times a week!!

Karen – My husband is a music guy and I say the same about him – I can tell his mood by the music he plays.. Scott plays guitar and piano. We have a Clavinova – an electronic, full-size piano. Scott’s mom works at a music store. Brian also had friends that would play the piano and they were quite good. Sam, the passenger in Brian’s accident, was quite the piano player. He would play in lobbies and Brian would show-up and put a tip in his tip jar. One of the many good memories I have of Sam and Brian. Thanks for the positive reminder today. We all need that.

Dee – How is the throat illness? My mom had a bit of a sick sense of humor and a houseplant she had in her house (when crushed and boiled and put into tea) would cause laryngitis. She never did it, but talked about it at prime moments when it would make me laugh. Sorry for the above, but that was my Mom, gotta love her.

Diane – (Nathan’s Mom) We are thinking of you. We have all been where you are right now. Come let us know you are OK – We care.

Rhonda – None of my business, but I am glad you are staying in Westley’s friend’s life; at a safe distance. I found it rewarding to help both Chris and Trevor even if for a short time, but neither would discontinue the negative behavior. We do keep in touch with them. We do not like what they do, but we still love the kid. We will probably never know how our influence helped them.

Betty – Partying on St Patrick’s Day, I love it. I wore green pants. My husband hates the smell of cooked cabbage and complains, whines, and cries when I make it. Since I have enough of that from my 3 kids, 3 cats and a dog, I do not cook cabbage. Glad you had a good time – thanks for sharing.

Beth – So good to see the Little-Man Zack. I think of you often and how you are doing with your husband and daughter. Love our chats, hope we can do more of them???

Crystal, Ashlee’s Mom – I talked to my daughter about the White Tattoo – I had never heard of that. She has heard of it and told me all about it – the differences and similarities. I was astonished she knew so much. It was cool learning about it. Thanks for sharing.

Shane’s Mom – You are speaking words we have all spoken. I, for one, asked God to kill me, I could not stand they physical pain and could not even imagine my life going on. Right now, thinking of the future is not a place to spend what little energy you have. Right now, in this time and this place, your energy can help you through the next second, moment and hour. For me, going back to work was the best thing I could have done (even though I hated it at the time). Take care my friend

Indigos – My son, Aaron has a Rugby Football scrimmage today. It is raining a combination of ice and rain – pretty hard too; windy and just plain terrible. You would think living in Wisconsin all my life (except 7 years in Utah where all 3 kids were born) I would be used to this. Just never do. – They cancelled Rugby – lightning.

Love to:

Michelle, Lynn, Lisa, Marcia, Leah, Claudia, Elaine, Kathy, Bonnie, Sonya, Jenn, Amy, Dan, Crystal, Tyler’s Mom, Betsy, Carol, Greg, Lorri I tried to remember all, sorry if I left anyone out.

Colleen, Brian’s Mother Forever

[lolynbo]

KODY GOT 4TH NOT BAD FOR NEW CLASS HES RUNNING THIS YEAR FACTORY STOCK....BIGGER FASTER MOTORS.....DADDYS PUTTING NEW MOTOR IN THIS WEEK SO MAYBE WE WILL HAVE BETTER FINISH NEXT SAT...NEW PICS OF RACE CAR THIS YR

[lolynbo]

ONE MORE

[ericasmom]

Cool car for a cool Boy. Give him a hug for me.

It is indeed nap time, nodding off this afternoon.

Col, weren't starlings brought here to eat mosquitos adn then their population exploded? there are people in Oak Park that tried using a cannon sound to get rid of them, all sorts of things because they roost by the hundreds and poop by the hundreds onto the cars below removing paint when it is to such excess.

I saw two different kinds of woodpeckers yesterday, so pretty, i will look up the kinds and let you know what they were, but I think one, the smaller one was a flicker.

[ericasmom]

Think what I saw yesterday was a downy woodpecker adn just read that flickers eat more ants than any other bird. I will invite them in when the ants start marching this spring.

[charsng1234]

I heard the 911 call today on this site called Cohise Talk with david morgan, I dont understand how the cops can act like it was a accident when his wife was on the phone with the police and he claims he seen someone OUTSIDE and he still shoy my son through a closed window. I am trying not hate but i can not help it. His wife was so calm on the phone, I dont know how my son ended up in his back yard when he first saw him on the siade of the house. I do not know what to do.. I hate my life I hate everything around me. My insides are raw I dont want to get up and fight any more.

[Guest msnher]

Sharon - I listened to Cochise talk and the 911 call. I'm so sorry.

Leah - You are not heartless. You are drained. Totally running on empty. It's like somebody letting all the air out of your tires and then upset because the car isn't performing at maximum level. They kick the tire and are then upset because the empty tire doesn't even have the decency to burp.

Betty - Yep. I thought the same thing about the supermoon. Looked the same to me.

Dee - I am quite protective of my quiet time. I must have alone time since Steph died. It's not even a luxury. It's a necessity. I hope you were able to grab some (alone time) this afternoon. Do you have your voice back? You may have said already. Poor memory.

Colleen - I double checked...you forgot me...I'm SO surprised! I sure appreciate our visits...even when we don't have much time to talk.

Trudi - Using BI = avoidance. Yep...doing that right now. Been doing that for the last few months. I talk to y'all to avoid laundry. If you don't hear from me for a while it could mean I'm getting the laundry done. It might mean the internet's down, too.

Lorri - Love the emblems on Kody's car.

My mind went blank. I hate it when that happens. Prayers for all you new to this journey. Prayers for Japan. Prayers for peace.

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[hotrod]

Hi SharonI hear your terrible pain and can identify with how you feel. I do believe Colleen had some good suggestions that could help you get thru each minute and hour. What you are enduring is indeed overwhelming. Your son Shane was a young man, enjoying life and did not understand how cruel and unforgiving the world could be. I know you are trying not too hate but maybe if you gave yourself permission to be very, very angry with the person who did this and feel the feelings --they just might pass. I always found fighting the feelings were the worst thing that I could do. When I accepted my feelings the good , the bad and the ugly , owned them shouted about them They lifted and I was left with manageable feelings. It is not easy I know I also found prayer worked I could also be angry with God and shout at him and felt better then too.

Our lives are forever changed Our most precious treasure has been taken from us and we are lost. You are not alone in this pain and together we are walking this hard lonely road trying to find a foot hold so we do not sink into the abyss Please continue to reach out It will become softer.

Lorrie Love the car Stephen so loved his Little Victories and racing . Good Luck this year

Dee love when you and Sherry and Colleen talk about the birds you encounter. I still canot get over the Starling my sister rescued that Talks and says Hi How are You Doing

I have come down with a terrible cold and have slept all day Hope everyone is HOlding on

[ericasmom]

OH BETTY< not the terrible cold. I hope it does not leave you voiceless, but mine is slowly coming back, little by little, still scratchy.None of my remedies worked but the honey felt god on my still scratched throat. Lozenges made it feel better but nothing gave me my voice it just had to rest. (Husband tells folks he loved it) I just woke from a two hour nap. I was afraid that it was tomorrow when I woke. Please take care of yourself, this cold knocked me down.

I can't your sweet sister has this wonderful ability with the bird, nor beleive a starling can talk either, but wow, he must have been one happy little saved bird.Must be that the ability with animals is on your side of the family since you and STephen have the squirrel and Stephen had birds and other critters hanging out.

Sharon, I am sorry that you have been hit by the replay of the call and the calm of the woman on the show. I am so sorry that your life feels so awful right now, as though yu could jump out of your skin...THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!! I remember screaming this, and in the nightmare before Erz died I stood before all the church and said, we don't have you children to bury you, you are supposed to live way beyond us...

Here's the thing, we are not ever going to be ready or prepared when it does not work out the way we expected, so please understand the shock and grief you are in is a tangle of sad, mad, lost, despairing, and hate...all of it feels horrid, but all of it won't be this bad later on, please hang on, even by a thread, don't let go Sharon, hang close to us as we hold on to you. You came so early on that this piece, this shedding of shock was still on you, now it is peeling back and under it is raw unshielded pain, all nerve endings and nothing on top to dull the sharp slap of reality. All I can say is we all know this kind of day, day in and day out for sometime before it moves just a tiny bit so that there is a bit more ability to breathe and fit a thought or two of something else in a day. One day, other things will fit in the day in addition to the giant of grief.

[Guest msnher]

Oh....I forgot to say that I was impressed with what your sis did with the starling, Betty. A family healing small wounded animals. Soft hearts.

And, also impressed with all the bird knowledge out there! Imported birds to eat mosquitos? Who knew? You did!

[charsng1234]

Thanks for all your comforting words. It was not only the 911 call that set me off the mother of my daughters friend which by the way did not know my son. stated on FB that listening to the 911 call would be eri and maybe we can all heal and move on!! Is she serious??? I told her first off she does not have to listen to it its to let others know how calm she was not scared how they claime, and he was my son and I will never get over it or heal! I talked to her daughter and told her her mothers dumb words hurt of couse she said it was not meant like that, I told her yes ppl do not know what to say so they should keep there advice to there selfs.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Hi, My name is Lori and I loss two Beautiful Daughter's last month. Both died for different reasons 3 day's apart. My oldest Daughter Vanessa was 26. She was a beautiful, smart, loving, successful woman. Her death is still under investigation. She was found in the shower laying in the tub under water with a big contusion to her face. Apparently, a slip and fall in the shower landing in the tub unconscious and drowned. However, the preliminary autopsy report shows she died of asphyxiation/suffocation not a drowning. My other daughter Kailey was 22 and born with special needs. She was born with cardiac deformities and had several cardiac surgeries in her life. Three days after her sister died, Kailey's heart gave out and she passed away. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my life! It is so difficult to function and handle normal daily needs. All I want to do in crawl in a hole and die too. However, I do have other children and have to be strong for them. Plus, I had to go back to work B/C I don't have a job I can take much time off from. So, everyday I get myself up, get ready and cry myself to work. I keep it together during work and cry myself home. Then, I take care of the necessary household tasks and then cry myself to sleep. I need to find outlets to help my grieving process.

I would like to know how did you function in the first weeks, months of your losses?

[Guest msnher]

Lori - OMG! I am so, so sorry for your double loss! I am beyond speechless that you are able (even if it's of necessity) to get up and go to work after such a short time! I offer you the saddest of welcomes to the club none of us wanted to belong to. My 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie, died on August 9, 2009 from injuries sustained in an ATV accident. She was riding a machine way too advanced for her, going way to fast on pavement, lost control when she went around a corner...missed the corner and crashed into a barbed wire fence. Her throat was split and she died instantly, leaving behind three young children whom my husband and I are raising. It has been over 19 months and I lost ONE child and I am just now beginning to function at a less dysfunctional level than I was. If that makes sense; I'm still not functioning as I was before Steph died, but I'm functioning better than I have been.

Your pain is so new. So raw and so strong! Grieving not just one child, but two. You've come to the right place to express your pain. I hope you will tell us more about both Venessa and Kailey. I hope you will post pictures of them. How many other children do you have? Do you have a face to face support system? Two daughters within three days of each other. Two funerals. I'm so sorry!

Hugs to you new member!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Hi Lori, I am sorry for your loss of two beautiful daughters, Vanessa and Kailey . My son Rich died 01/18/2009 from cardiac dysrhythmia. He was 20 years young. This a such a terrible tragedy for you and making this grief journey more difficult with the added unanswered questions on the death of Vanessa, and your beautiful Kailey,what must have been daily struggles for you both. You have found the right place, full of compassionate people ,wise and understanding. Please tell us more about your girls when you are able. As far as functioning after Rich's death, robotic. Again, I am so very sorry.

Sharon, a fb statement for the book,” you didn't just say that”. People are clueless and what comes of that are insensitive,stupid remarks as if you can just move on. Not. I wasn't able to listen to the 911 call but I will say this after visiting my grandparents home in Vermont and learning to shoot soda cans with a .22 rifle. Gun safety. This guy that shot your boy, words can not describe the mentality .

Dee,Sherry,Colleen, Betty, lots of robins today and Dee, I did enjoy the music video.

Susannah, I agree with you and Betty. Bright moon but not super-moon. I enjoyed your videos as well. The young girl, is she also the opera singer? I am warmer now having no heat last night and most of today. It should be fully fixed tomorrow. A sad day. Missing Rich and knowing I have his voice on my old answering machine.

Lorri, great pics btw. You guys all look good. And the hood decal.

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - Connie Talbot was on "Britain's got Talent". She's 10yrs old. I don't know if she calls herself an opera singer, I can't remember...I just know she is a little miracle of talent! "Britain's got Talent" also gave us Susan Doyle and Paul Potts. If you haven't already seen Paul Potts initial performance, it's worth googling. Absolutely breathtaking!

[Guest msnher]

Paul Potts first audition on Britain's got talent.....

[summergirl]

this is for all of you, my friends.....

[ericasmom]

Thanks for the music Kathy.

Lori, I don't even know where to begin except to tell you that we hold your hand as you enter this place, and we hold your heart always. To lose two children is just so doubly heartbreaking. Your Girls must be holding onto each other and rooting for you and their siblings to carry on in the best possible ways. You must never doubt your strength Lori, to be up and going to work in these circumstances is pretty damn amazing, so be good to yourself. Let those tears fall but make sure that you are drinking plenty of water to replace them. For some parents here, having others to care for each day helps them to take better care of themselves, because let's face it, taking care of ourselves is not easy when you are so shocked and so sad.

Your Daughter Vanessa is one month younger than my Girl, Erica, who died at age 19 when her car was struck by an Amtrak in Kalamazoo, Michigan back in 2003. Our Spring Girls. May they all be together, made perfect again in that next beautiful place.

There is thunder right now, and lightning and I can only hope that Jon gets home safely. He was driving home from Louisiana today. This storm is out of nowhere as I just went for a walk a bit ago and it was simply beautiful with a pink like Eri sky and robins everywhere, singing everywhere, and the trees were inky silohettes against the dusk. Now the rain is pouring down, and I know Eri is smiling, she loved storms.

[lolynbo]

LORI....SADLY YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE...THESE GIRLS AND GUYS HAVE HELPED ME FOR THE ALMOST LAST 3 YRS....I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS OF YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS, I CAN NOT EVEN IMAGINE WHAT YOUR GOING THRU, YOU HAVE TO JUST TRUST GOD AND KEEP YOUR FAITH...AND YOUR GONNA HAVE ALOT OF CRAPPY DAYS...ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOT...THEN ONE DAY YOU WILL LAUGH AND FEEL BAD FOR IT...THEN ONE DAY YOU WONT CRY AND THEN YOU WILL FEEL BAD FOR THAT....SO MANY EMOTIONS......AGAIN IM SOOOOOO SORRY HUGGS TO YOU MY FRIEND...

I AM HERE BECAUSE I LOST MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEY LYNN TO BRAIN CANCER SHE WAS 21 WHEN DIAGNOSED AND WITHIN 2 WEEKS IT BURST AND SHE NEVER SPOKE AGAIN....SHE DIED 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS LATER......SHE HAD JUST GOT MARRIED 9 MONTHS B4.....FN SUCKS..........

[aim630]

Lori-I'm so sorry for the loss of your 2 daughters, Vanessa & Kailey. You are in the right place though. I lost my 23 yr old daughter Ashley on 2-9-10, due to complications from H1N1, pneumonia & mono. She had been hospitalized 3 months but was recovering and beginning physical therapy when suddenly her heart stopped (due to cardiac dysrhythmia, probably because of a blood clot she had developed.) I had to return to work after a week and a half, and had a really hard time at first. I felt so angry and annoyed with everyone, as well as sad. My doctor prescribed antidepressants which seemed to help. I stopped taking them last month. The first weeks and months were horrible. I didn't want to leave the house, let alone get off the couch. I have a soon to be 18 yr old daughter. I try to keep it together for her, and my husband, but there are days I just go to my bedroom and cry.

This website has literally saved my life, and there are others here that will say the same thing. I hope you come back and tell us more about Vanessa & Kailey, and post their pictures. For a long time, I mostly just read, did not post a lot.

Thinking of everyone, had a busy weekend, will try to catch up tomorrow.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmum]

Sharon - Hearing the 000 tape of the call for Mike is something I am yet to do. Its been 4yrs and to date my head tells my heart I don't really need to. I have been told that his partner sounds like she was ordering a pizza. My heart screams, my son lay dying and 'she didn't know what happened'. My heart to you as you try to fathom the workings of this man's brain.

Lorri - Having lost one child my heart can only imagine the heart break of losing a second within days. The ambiguity of how Vanessa came to die and then losing your beautiful Kailey makes it more than one should experience in any lifetime. My only thought when I read your story was that Kailey wanted to be with her sister....not much comfort I know.

Please come here when you can a share your girls with this extended family of Indigos.

Driving back home today from the psych, yes I still see him, luckily today was more about my paper, this came on the radio.

I remember Lauren and her friends telling me how Mike would lead them in singing this after spending time together. The words and music...I swear Mike was with me asking 'can you hear me mum'.

Yes Betty ~ I'm almost done with the paper, hence the distraction of posting....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtFg417oF_A

[shorty16]

Lori

I am so sorry you have to be here, but here is the right place for support, love and t0 speak our minds (when we can find them).

In my opinion, You deserve a standing ovation for going back to work. For me, it was the best thing. I did not realize it at the time, but it forced me think of something else other than the death of my 16 year old son from car-surfing. Brian decided to climb on the hood of a car and his "friend" drove 68 mph into a tree. Brian died within minutes. The scene is 1/4 mile from our home.

We are all here because the worst thing that can ever happen to a parent has happened to us. We talk about our good days and our bad. We laugh, cry, and sometimes just be.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Sharon

Betsy is right - we have a vitual book entitled "Oh No You Didn't Just Say That" We have many pages filled.

When Brian first died, my neighbor told me I should excersize, I would feel better. I did not have the strength to blink, let alone excersize. People really have no clue - I had no clue until Brian died. No clue that this depth of grief actually existed.

Indigos

My son Aaron recently joined Rugby. I have no idea how to play the game. Aaron was suppose to play on Sunday, but Mother Nature was raining, then thunder and then the lightning. They called the game. I have been trying to get more than a grunt out of Aaron to explain the game to me. I will keep trying.

Should be interesting.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Indigos, People - Helping People

Betty Said: "I know you are trying not too hate but maybe if you gave yourself permission to be very, very angry with the person who did this and feel the feelings --they just might pass. I always found fighting the feelings were the worst thing that I could do. When I accepted my feelings the good , the bad and the ugly , owned them shouted about them They lifted and I was left with manageable feelings.

Wow Betty, that is an awesome statement. Grief, anger, hate will not be denied. We do have to deal with these emotions or they will deal with us in their own way.

Personnaly, I am getting better at the anger and loathing toward the other 2 boys involved in Brian's death. I sure do not want to go out to dinner with them or even see them, but I am coming to a cross-roads. I forgive them or I hold back my recovery.

This will take a long time, but realizing it is half the battle.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's!

I love spring! I am so relieved that came back to me. After Stephanie died I allowed all my flowers to die, too. To me everything already looked dead...I felt dead, and it just seemed natural to allow the beautiful to die right along with my soul. The following summer I still felt the same. I didn't plant any flowers and my poor daffodils, tulips and iris' were left to survive on their own. We did lay sod in the front and back yards and while I was grateful there was no more mud, the green life of the grass did little to lift my sagging spirit.

But, alas, it passed. Well, I THINK it passed. I realize those awful emotions can creep back in so quickly. But this week I find myself excited about the warmer weather, the budding trees, the longer days. I haven't seen any robins yet. I'm not sure I'll put a lot of labor into my flower garden this year, but I will clear out the dead.

Today I allow them. Just like Betty and Colleen suggest. I accept them and embrace them fully. When they hit I still tend to think it will be that dark forever, but the sun does sneak in again...just as y'all promised.

Grief is powerful. It demands our respect. It won't be ignored.

Peace,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Dee-I loved the song you posted, I was a really big Fleetwood Mac fan back in the day. I can't tell you how many times I listened to it this weekend. I hope your voice keeps getting better.

Colleen-It is easier to keep a distance while he's still in jail than it will be once he is out. I went to see him Saturday and he looked good and seemed okay. I was again the only visitor, but have spoken to a few friends of his who say they will go next week. He can only have 3, but I'm afraid if I don't go, he won't have any, so until I see a few show up, I'll keep scheduling the visits. He asked me about what was going on in Japan, I'm going to see if I can get some kind of newsweek or something next time for his books. I guess in there you're really out of touch with the world except for new people that come in since you were in. I don't mind advice from anybody who has experience with this kind of situation like you! I'm not saying I always take it (haha), but I know that sometimes this kind of thing puts you in the situation where your already shattered heart can be stomped on again, and as much as I'd like to help him, I want to avoid that. I don't know if I can take it.

Lori-I'm so sorry for the loss of your girls. This place has saved my sanity (some might beg to differ, but you know what I mean). I'm so sorry that you've had to go back to work so quickly. I went back after a week, but it was my choice. I'm a workaholic and I knew it would help me to be back in my routine so that I didn't just sit around and wonder how my 20 year old son could tell me he'd be home in an hour or so, but instead fall asleep on a friend's couch and never wake up. Westley had been drinking and took some kind of prescription painkiller and he had sleep apnea. Except for the sleep apnea, something that lots of kids probably do, despite the warnings on the bottles and cans. He only had a couple of beers. How in the blue hell does that even happen? I'm sorry I go off on a tangent when I think about it. Your double loss breaks my heart as it does all here, the kindest most compassionate group of people I have ever known, bar none. You have found a place where you can say anything and be understood. Hugs to you dear, I hope you feel up to posting soon, but if not, even reading helps.

I wasn't going to church yesterday, but Westley's best friend's girl called and said she was bringing the baby to church and was I going to be there, so I changed my mind. She came to the house after church and stayed for lunch. The baby was born two weeks after Westley died, so he never got to see him. After they and my daughter's family left, we went to the cemetery together, I usually go alone, but my husband went with me. I don't usually cry as much when he comes, but the day left me drained and I went to bed super early. Sometimes you just want to go to sleep so you can quit knowing how sad you are. At least I do.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I get drained much more easily since Steph died....it doesn't take much for me to need sleep to "recharge".

I'm not an expert on visiting inmates, but the jail should have a list of rules they can give you. You can also just call and ask what you can or can't send or bring. Our jail will not accept magazines and/or books.

[westleysmom]

Susannah-Our jail lets each inmate have up to 3 books/magazines at a time, but if they don't like what you send, they won't accept them when you take them. No naked girls or anything like that! He likes John Grisham, but the only one I had at the house was A Painted House, one of my favorites, but not typical legal fiction like John Grisham usually writes. I sent that one and a Hot Rod magazine and a western. They get out every day to pick up trash, so not a lot of time for reading, but some. I just wrote him a letter, since midweek visits cost him a day (can't go out on the work bus if visits are scheduled during the weekday). At our jail, you only see them on a tv screen, but at the workhouse, you are just on the other side of a glass partition, kind of like the ones I've always seen on TV. That's where he is now since workdays give him 2 for 1 on his sentence. So each week gets him12 days credit if they get to work everyday (weather sometimes prevents working during the week). I know more about it than I ever thought I would. Westley spent a night in jail, but we bonded him out. We told him if he ever found himself there again, we wouldn't, but we were lying and I'm sure he knew it. I miss him so much, and I wish he was in jail instead of gone. Its hard to admit that, even to myself. This boy's mother doesn't even know where he is and how he's doing, and my boy is gone and I am a broken messed up person. What about that makes sense? Not one part of it. None of our baby's deaths make any sense. I don't know if I even want to get to where they do, you know what I mean? Sometimes I think it would be better, but then again, I think not. Hell, I don't know what I think half the time and the other half I don't care. Just really tired and empty feeling these days, the littlest thing wears me out. I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.

Leah-I was glad to hear from you and hope you are doing better every day.

[crystalann]

Well its been 11 weeks today and it feels like it was yesterday! I have been trying to take care of everyone grandpa siblings husband his girlfriend and not letting anyone see me fall apart.My husband figured out im still not eating just living on dr pepper. I can feel im tearing myself up I just dont seem to care.I was told some things that happened at the seen that I didnt notice and now wish i didnt know.I am run down headache stomach ache dont sleep now my heart is beating funny again I feel it all just hard to eat with this lump in my throat.I miss him so much i dont understand why he didnt get a chance to fight he was gone so fast.This is all just unbearable.TYLER I NEED YOU!!!

[Crystal16]

Hello all,

I wanted to let you know I’m thinking of every single one of you and praying you have peaceful day.

Lori- So sorry losing one child is emotional enough I’m so sorry you loss both daughters so close together. I hope you have some closure soon regarding the circumstances surrounding Vanessa sudden death.

Sharon- I too had to deal with someone’s clueless and stupid comment over the weekend. My sister constantly fights with her daughter and my sister wanted me to know my niece is not nice by any measures, so she decided to share a comment with me that Sammy said. Sammy supposedly said Aunty couldn’t even protect her own child “are you kidding me” why would you say such a thing….

Well got to run I have a management meeting in 10 minutes hope to chat later.

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigo friends...i am back, although i am not myself....i am hurting so much i can't stand to be around myself. we went to the beach this weekend and let nathan rest in peace in the atlantic ocean, as he requested. that was a bitter sweet moment. i said to him, as i spread his ashes..."fly away,nathan, you are free....no sticks, or stones, or harsh words can harm you now, you are free....i miss you and i truly love you, too, nate, always and forever. " we all cried and then went back to shore. we went to his house and sat in a circle, said a prayer, and played the first song on his CD player that he left, it was "amazing grace" in bagpipes...he loved celtic/irish music, hence why he had an irish wake/service. and that was on his CD player at his house. it amazed me that that was the first song on his list. his brother (lee) my youngest son, just lost it at that moment. it was nice to see my children together and they are so close, it did my heart good, it's just that a part of me/them is missing and it makes me so sad. it makes them sad, too. my daughter has not let herself grieve and this worries me as she is about to have baby #2. and she steers away from me because she can't stand to see me like this. i have always been so strong and take charge and now i am weak and vulnerable and sad and she doesn't know what to do with me...heck, i don't know what to do with me...it worries her to see me so fragile. i can't make it go away, and she can't make it go away. i can't lose her, too. she called me today and we talked about it. she wants to take me to lunch on thursday so we can have some private time together. i want to go, but i still have that fear of leaving the house, but i told her i would try to get dressed and go. she told me she would take me out of town somewhere so as not to run in to people we know. help me get the strength to get back in touch with my only daughter. we have always been so close, i can't lose her, too. we need each other.

well, on and on i have gone, so i will go....

but, i do want to thank all of you for you kind words and encouragement and you thoughts. i am going to make it, i promise you that. i just needed some time and space and i will be back. i just love you all and have kept you in my thoughts as well. i haven't missed a day of thinking of you, i just didn't have the energy to log on and write. i did miss you, though. i figured out, i need you to get through the days and nights of this horrible, horrible nightmare. my husband asks me everyday if i have been on line again. he knows i need you, too.....

thanks for putting up with me.....

love and thoughts to all of you.....the new, the old and the in-between, we unfortunately, have to be here. and for that, i am so, so sorry. diane