Loss of an Adult Child

[dwsmithrn]

dee......same sh-- different day

[summergirl]

Hello Dear Indigo's - What do I say when people ask "how are you doing" - no reply because no one asks anymore....it is as though once you get past the first months then it is "ok, life goes on and all is ok once again"....

Sure wish I could catch up with everyone but.........no answer for that one either. My dad is still in the hospital, he is on a breathing tube and they are keeping him sedated as pneomonia is in both lungs plus he has an infection. His vitals are all good and he is a 60 percent breathing and 30 percent oxygen so that is a good sign. I am ready to go if need be, talk to my sister every day and just pray alot. Doctor said at least 2 months in the hospital.

Prayers, love and strength to all, Kathy

[dlj0403]

a friend sent me a website where you can mail loved ones clothes and they make teddy bears out of them. They are called "Miracle Bears"...anyway, I have been holding on to Jenna's dress she wore at her high school graduation and the dress she wore at our wedding. I can't wait to get them back (6-8 weeks) and hold on to them at night when I get sad. They still smelled like Jenna....I cried when I boxed them up.

This has been a rough week as this Saturday will be 11 years that my momma passed away. I always get depressed and since Jenna left me...i just stay in a constant depression. I hate the weight that I've gained. And I wonder why...as I just enhaled a dozen chocolate covered marshmellow Easter eggs that my sister gave me.

I don't have time to get on BI as often as I would like....but I feel as if I know alot of you by just your postings...thank you for all the encouragement that you all give to each other and us. It just never gets easy does it?

I was lying in bed last night thinking of Jenna and hoping that by thinking of her..I would dream about her...it didn't work. I would give anything for her to talk to me or another hug or mommy I love you text....I miss her so much...

[lolynbo]

Had me a root canal today. Thank god for lortabs. On the iPhone so will chk in tom

[ericasmom]

Hope your dental work went well.

Jenna's mom, it never gets easy but it will be easier one day, with less of the depression. Hang on, other sad dates throw us more once our Child has left as well. I do ho[pe that you will have a dream of Jenna soon.

Thanks Sadlady, now I get it. Slow but sure that is me.

Kath, I hope that Dad is resting easily now, I know it is a lot to think about.

Beth, sounds like a very hard day and I am sorry. I hope that tomorrow, both husband and daughter will be in better mind- set and the day will be smoother. I wish that I could lend a hand in a more useful way Dear.

[mikesmomrs]

Just coming by to say hello and that I am thinking of you all...so sorry to see yet more new members...a truly sincere welcome to you, but also a wish that you did not ever know that such a place as BI existed. We love to hear about your angels, and whenever you are ready to share their life with us, please do. As many have said, I too believe that BI has kept me out of the deepest part of the darkest pit that has ever opened before me...that which opened on the day my son breathed his last....October 14, 2006. Coming here was a blessing, one that I know has been extened to each of us who posts here...I truly believe that we have been led here by our angels...our wonderful children, knowing our need for comfort and understanding, brought us all together, and continue to do so.

I am so sorry to hear of so many being ill or just coming down with something...it seems to be a lengthy illness that is going around, and one that truly drains all of the energy from you. I got my hospital bill today...just the bill for the stay, no doctors bills...$17,890.00. I am so glad we have good insurance...what in heavens name do people do who don't have any? They called it a "five day hospitalization," so I guess they counted the 20 hours in the emergency room as a "day." I am still having blood tests every four days, can't seem to get a consistent read on the blood levels...eventually, they tell me. Feeling better each day, but the strength just isn't there. The least thing taxes me. can't stand that part...hopefully it will improve. I am supposed to go and visit my sisters and brother, and SIL in FL on April 9. Don't want to go there completely drained, so hope things improve before then.

Beth, I am so very sorry that you have had this terrible day..your daughter's outbursts and your husband's turn about...so unfair...praying you strength, sweet friend.

Kathy: Glad to hear that your dad is holding on, sending prayers for his return to better health.

Jenna's mom: I had also heard of the site for making teddy bears out of our children's clothing...have not sent anything out to be done yet, though...I think I am afraid to lose it. Maybe some day.

Lori: I am so very sorry to hear of your loss of both of your daughters...such a terrible, heartbreaking loss, and to have lost two beautiful daughters in such a short time...my heart to you, and prayers for comfort. Your pain is so new and so raw...I am glad that you found this site...you will find much comfort and understanding here.

Diane: Holding onto Nathan's clothing...such a simple thing, thought of as so unnecessary or even troubling by others, but to us, it is a lifeline. I still have some of Mike's t-shirts in the closet...one in particular is in a sealed plastic bag. When I open the corner of the bag, I can still smell a faint waft of sandalwood, the oil that he liked to wear. It fills my heart and tears it apart at the same time. I wouldn't want to be without it, though, just to alleviate the sorrow. You are being prayed for, thought of, and held close.

Betsy: thanks for sharing the oil story..."we always did it that way" (i.e., ordering from the same company) can be SO frustrating, but sometime sit is just not worth it to buck the system...if that is the way they've always done it, then that is the only way they are going to allow it to be done.

Leah: I am so very sorry that you are in such a difficult place....it seems as though it never stops for you...I so wish your family could/would help more, would recognize that you do not have an endless supply of energy and giving capability. Holding you close, also.

Trudi: You are amazing, as always. To have finished your paper so soon. I know that Mike is happy for you... Have you already done Mal's 60th? Are you back at the water yet?

Lorri: I also like your "I'm off the couch" answer...also liked the F.I.N.E. definitions. Thanks for sharing the pics of your baby boy's terrific looking car! Good luck to him this Saturday.

Sherry: thanks for sharing your "country life" with us...I do miss being in the country, where our previous house was...the wildlife sometimes would drive me nuts, what with eating all of my flowers, etc., but still, it was nice to see it once in a while. We had a beautiful red fox who made her nest in my flower bed of "lambs ear." Flattened it right down, but I am glad she found a soft place to nest. Of course, the next year, the lamb's ear was back again, tall and lush.

Sus: I am so sorry about your day being so trying...yes, I do believe that Jasmine was only giving out what she has taken in...it will take more time to water all of that down in her mind, much time. She has a good start, though, by being in your presence, receiving your love and understanding...that will go a long way towards helping her.

Betty: I am so glad to see Stephen's handsome face every morning when you sign on... Also, I meant to tell you before that I am glad you got a cell phone...it is a good thing to have with you especially when you are out and about, and/or someone is expecting you and there is a delay. I hope you are feeling better, with more energy, soon.

Rhonda: I think it is great, also, that you are reaching out to Westley's friend in the way that you are...no enabling, but showing support in his own efforts to help himself. Kudos to you; I know thatt West is proud of you.

Amy: I know what you mean about the "eating" instead of "not eating." I tend to lean towards the former, also, and have gained weight, as well as being in a situation where I needed to lose some to begin with. I am glad that Katie is going dress shopping...I hope it works out well for her and helps to create some closer bonds with the girls who are taking her.

Dee: Glad to hear that you are on the mend, though sorry to hear that John is coming down with something now. I am sure that the staff on WHAT NOT TO WEAR would have a field day with me, also...my closet would be empty.

I know that I've missed some posts, but as we all know, clicking to the previous page will cause me to lose my post. Please know that I think of all of you every day...my heart sends out a prayer and good wishes for each of you...the sense of "family" that is here creates a place where I know I can come, sad or glad about something, and feel that my words are held close by those who truly understand.

love and peace to all,

PS: Opening day at Fenway is just 16 days away! Hopefully, it won't still be snowing!!!! (yesterday it snowed for 8 hours...only accumulated 2 inches or so, but all day long it snowed!!)

Mike with Wally the mascot, at Fenway Park, Father's day, 2006, (one month after his 2nd brain surgery)

[ericasmom]

Carol, always a PHEW! when I see you post after your being ill. How are the medicines now? Feeling any better? I hope that opening day is a sunny day in the 60's...prfect baseball weather. HEY BATTER...

Someone said last evening, may have been Pam just new to this place, I don't know who I am now. This is an overwhelming feeling for many in the first year especially and for many of us, ongoing. We do find out who we are now in this new iteration, we don't always want to but we do and in addition to finding out who, we find out what- what do we do with our lives now that they are changed so, and we ask and find out- HOW, how do we go on breathing, living among the masses without the gold that was in our lives...and hopefully you will find as many have that once we have that golden magical love in our lives, it will always be there. It takes a long time to reconcile to having it differently, that is for sure, but we do find that we carry it with us everywhere we go. Who are we now? a question you will find, how do we do this? You will find that out and I am glad that you came here to let us join you in that quest.

Blessings to all, it is a gray as can be day, cold and rainy, but it is March so nothing surprising there. I feel like an old bear who woke up to eat and is extremely tired and wants the log back to continue sleeping.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - So good to see Mike's face as I log on this morning. I'm sorry you are so zapped of energy. I imagine that's to be expected. I hope the nicer weather will help make you feel more like your old self.

Beth - What a harsh thing for your hubby to say! We hurt people because we hurt. I hope today is better. You are such a dear heart trying to take one more step...helping others etc. I know you've tried to help your husband through Zachy's death. I think he's going to have to make peace with himself from the inside out, though. I hope Elisha has a better day today too! Hugs to you!

I like "I'm off the couch" as a response when people ask how you are. I've also said "I seem to be okay at the moment but it's subject to change without notice."

It was enlightening to find out not everyone who asks how we're doing really wants to know. It forced me to pay attention to how often I do the same thing. Walk by someone and give a nod and mumble how are you? and even pause long enough to hear if their answer. Since Steph died I try to pause and listen...really listen.

I'm still achey and have a splitting headache. I'm going to take some ibuprofen and suck it up, though. I have too much on my plate to be sick today. Normally I welcome a sick day. It feels more legitimate to stay in bed because I'm really sick compared to I just can't get up.

Prayers for all of you especially the newer members!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Who am I now.... I'm just beginning to make peace with the person I am now. For over a year I felt as though I floundered with no purpose...no identity. I didn't want others to look at me and always say "that's the lady whose daughter died in that ATV accident." but, that's exactly how I felt. That's exactly who I was. Everything else was just things I did out of responsibility or obligation or habit.

I am actually enjoying redefining myself now. Who knew THAT could ever happen again....enjoying something. I see myself as a writhered piece of driftwood. White from the harsh rays of the sun. Smooth to the touch. Not heavy to carry. Not easy to break...very strong. Not strong enough to use for lumber, but who would want to? No...old and beautiful to be put on display. Or even tossed behind the barn. Shoot, even use it for firewood. What it DOES no longer matters. What it IS is written in the DNA of it's existence.

I know you were answering another's question or responding to an unanswered plea.....but, it made me think.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Actually Sus, I am hopeful that everyone that has begun to find who they are now, will respond as it gives so much hope to those new here. You are a year and a half ahead of them, I think, so you are just ahead of them on this path, your footsteps are guiding them, your response is an honest explanation of one woman's road. I remember feeling the joy that I felt/feel when I began to see my role on the Earth after Erica died. I don't exactily remember at what point it began, a year probably...I knew parts of who I was, but there was that missing piece, always missing that piece so I had to find purposes to help my days feel full of hope, and they do for the most part.

At 6:15 this morning, (didn't walk due to hard rain) I heard an owl, twice calling out. I don't think that it was a Great Horned, shorter hoots. I will report back on my owl sounds, but it is nesting time for them...exciting, maybe a pair near my home.

Peter Gabriel is singing one of my favorites: Salsbury Hill. The words are special to my heart, long before Eri died, this song made me cry, it seemed like someone on a long journey finding some peace, some purpose, funny that it came on just as we spoke of such things:

[ericasmom]

DO NOT HIT THE BUTTON AT THE BOTTOM< IT IS FOR RINGTONES, but here are the lyrics. IT is said that Peter Gabriel went to Solsbury hill often for walks and had a spiritual moment and this song was born from that.

Climbing up on Solsbury Hill

I could see the city light

Wind was blowing, time stood still

Eagle flew out of the night

He was something to observe

Came in close I heard a voice

Standing stretching every nerve

I had to listen had no choice

I did not believe the information

Just had to trust imagination

My heart going boom-boom-boom

Son, he said, grab your things I've come to take you home

Eh, don't quit

To keep in silence I resigned

My friends would think I was a nut

Turning water into wine

Open doors would soon be shut

So I went from day to day

Oh, my life was in a rut

'Til I thought of what I'd say

Which connection I should cut

I was feeling part of the scenery

I'd walk right out of the machinery

My heart going boom-boom-boom

Hey, he said, grab your things I've come to take you home

Eh, back home

When illusion spin her net

I'm never where I want to be

And liberty, she'd pirhouette

When I think that I am free

Watched by empty silhouettes

Who close their eyes but still can see

No one taught them etiquette

I will show another me

Today I don't need a replacement

I'll tell them what the smile on my face meant

My heart going boom-boom-boom

Hey, I said, you can keep my things They've come to take me home

[shorty16]

Lorri

Thanks for making me laugh.

Lorri said: When people ask me how I am doing, I say "I am off the couch"

In the beginning of my grief, I used to respond to "How are you doing" with "I am standing upright and breathing." You can imagine people did not ask me that anymore.

Colleen

[Crystal16]

Carol- My son Ethan hung out in the club house yesterday with all the players. He was ecstatic he has a baseball with all their signatures on it. Ethan played cards with a few of the players and even stated one of them shared maybe too much of themselves “he walked out of the shower naked, lol”

Lorri- I hate root canals hope you are feeling better today.

Amy- I am glad to hear the wedding was good for all.

Beth – So much going on your life I pray the decisions you make are healthy for everyone involved.

Kathy- My Prayers for you and your family dear…

Pam/Sharon/Crystal/ Diane/Lori- You are on my mind so early on this journey. I pray God envelopes you with his peace today.

Colleen, Betsy, Betty, Leah, Karen, Greg, Dan, Sus, Dee, Sherry, Amy, Rhonda thinking of you all.

[westleysmom]

Hey all, hope everybody who is sick gets to feeling better and get well wishes for relatives too. Not much time to post, got to go to a meeting today. My daughter e-mailed me while ago and said that my nephew came to my Mama's house yesterday while they were there. My granddaughter said Ma, come look! Ma, come here!. She told my nephew that Ma had been crying about him. She told her Mama she thought that was Westley's truck. When she got home, she told her Daddy that she saw Westley at Ma's. They don't look that much alike, but enough to her, I guess. So after my small breakdown at my desk this morning, I am off to a board meeting where I have to hold it together. I look forward to it being over. God, I miss him.

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Such wisdom and depth from the wonderful Indigo members this morning.

Sus I really do believe that I am like the piece of driftwood you described: " What it DOES no longer matters. What it IS is written in the DNA of it's existence. Thanks for that idea and the beauty in which yoo expressed it.

Dee That song touched my spirit as well. It is powerful when soeone can actually express their spiritual experencies with such clarity.

Rhonda Oh how I understand the significense of a truck and the feelings associated with it I understand your missing

Carol so good to see Mikes wonderful smile and the thumbnail picture of a Happy Day togethr. How is my good friedn Damom?

Beth What a difficult end to your day. I know everyone's nerves are streched to the breaking point I am glad you can come here and connect.

Amy I am glad the wedding went well

Betsy I hope you are out taking pictures. I know how much you are missing Rich

Sherry Talking about oil delivery and my living in the city I am not use to all the fine necessities of the delivery system but hearing that you had to "Bleed the Lines when you were 8 months pregnant and your husband was working really touched me You are such a courageous women

Crystal How great that your son hung out in the club house with the players and has all their autographs

Lorrie Root Canals are painful I agree Pain Pills are essential

Colleen I agree my response did stop people from asking so It worked as well

Kathy, Lori, Crystal, Christy, Sharon, Karen, Sonya, Trudi , Diane and all Indigos please take care today. Always in my thoughts

[shorty16]

Dear Indigos

It seems that the change of the seasons does tend to make people sicker. My daughter gets sick every year between Fall and Winter.

Aaron is suppose to have a Rugby game this evening. It has been raining all day, windy and cold. Aaron's first game was cancelled for lightning. We will have to see about this one. If there is no lightning (or other severe weather warning), they will play - no matter the weather. I know nothing about Rugby and am excited to learn.

I do not have any advice today other than living the life we have been given to its fullest. Most of the time, that is really hard and we have to work at being happy - but the alternative is not one I choose to follow.

Be good to yourselves today. Give someone you love a hug.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

On our way to pick up Damon from school today, we stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get a donut...I hadn't taken my meds yet and needed something to eat with them...I ordered a "glazed stick" and asked them to heat it slightly. This is what was in the bag after they heated it "slightly."

UGH!!!

[dwsmithrn]

colleen, please tell me how to do that....live life to it's fullest....i want to, i know i need to, but i am so sad feeling all the time....i did manage to get out of bed today for a while and walk around the house, inside that is, not outside....wish i could make myself go outside...it is sunny and almost 80 degrees. i just can't go there, yet.

tomorrow is the day i am supposed to go to lunch with my beautiful daughter. i will make my self go...i will do it, i am just terrified to go out. but i am going to do it, for her.

i miss my nathan so terribly much and my heart is just aching too much to make sense out of anything i do or don't do. i fussed at him today for making my life turn out like this. i know he would not have done this to me on purpose or if he really knew this would be the outcome. i know in my head, he was sick, by my heart can't get past that. i need my baby here, even though i know how selfish it sounds.

just tell me how to go on 'living', because i can't find the strength to do that.

diane

[lolynbo]

WELL TODAY IM TRYING TO GET OFF THE COUCH BETWEEN THIS ROOT CANAL AND SINUS DRAINAGE..IM FEELN POOPY....BUT ITS 80' AND IM GONNA GO WALK WHEN KODY GETS HOME..(HOPEFULLY WITH HIM)...

LIKE I SAID NOT MANY PPL ASK ME ANYMORE "HOW R U"...I GUESS THEY FIGURE I SHOULD BE OVER IT BY NOW...

A LIL FUNNY FOR YAL THAT DONT GET FB.....

MY DAUGHTER KIMMY WAS IN CALI FLYING OUT THIS MORN TO OKC....HER PLAN LEAVES CALI AND GOES TO LAS ANGELAS.....WELL THE LADY SAYS "YOUR PLAN IS LOADING MAY I STAMP YOUR TICKET"...KIMBERLY GETS UP AND GETS HER TICKET STAMPPED....GETS ON THE PLANE......THEN SHE HEARS "THANK YOU FOR FLYING TO SUNNY LAS VEGAS WITH US THIS MORN"....KIMBERLY SAID SHE TOLD THE STEWARDESS "HEY THIS ISNT MY PLANE, IM GOING TO LAS ANGELES"...SO THEY HAVE TO CALL SECURITY TO OPEN THE DOORS TOLET HER OFF....LOL THE LADY AT TICKET COUNTER SAYS SHE DONT NO WHY IT LET HER SCAN KIMMYS TICK OR DIDNT TELL HER HEY THIS AINT YOUR PLANE....ONLY MY CHILD...

[lolynbo]

DIANE...I JUST DONT NO WHAT TO SAY TO YOU....I CANT IMAGINE BEING IN YOUR SPOT...(WHAT EVER THE HELL THAT IS CUZ I DONT EVEN NO WHAT SPOT IM IN)...TO LOSS A CHILD TO A DISEASE LIKE I DID IS BAD ENOUGH, BUT YOU HAVE SO MANY UNANSWERED QUESTIONS...(AS DO I) BUT DIFF WAYS....HUGGS MY FRIEND IM SO SORRY YOUR SON FELT THIS WAS THE WAY OUT...(GOSH I DONT WANNA MAKE YOU MAD, I DO NOT JUDGE HIM, I WISH I COULD HAVE HELPED HIM)....TRY TO STAY STRONG...AND KEEP YOUR FAITH...GOD KNOWS WHY NATHAN DID WHAT HE DID.....MAYBE GOD CAN REVEAL IT TO YOU....AND WHY MY DAUGHTER DIED THEY WAY SHE DID...SOMEDAY WE WILL KNOW....

[dwsmithrn]

lorri...i'm still mad a god....he could have helped nathan....i prayed for months when nathan was having issues, and THIS is what i got for that....i can't trust god right now....i don't know how to even get past that.....

guess i have issues too, huh?

[lolynbo]

I GET MAD TOO...I THINK WHY CLDNT KOURTNEY BE HEALED LIKE SOME OF THESE OTHER PPL...BUT I CANT GO THERE CUZ IT REALLY GETS ME DOWN...I UNDERSTAND THE "EMPTY PRAYERS"...I REALLY REALLY DO

[dwsmithrn]

i have spoken with 3 preachers and they all 3 told me it's ok to be mad at god, he expects it....i don't know when it will turn around for me...

maybe some day, some year, maybe.

[crystalann]

Hi I hope everyone is doing the best they can. My husband told me that Tyler had bit his tonge at the scene(i dont think i spelled tonge right doesnt look right but cant think of any other way the blank mind thing again) that info is tearing me up! He always had a problem biteing it.3 times The first he was 3 on a trip to Oklahoma to visit family with my mom got out of the bath to run to the phone to talk to me slipped on the tile and got the side really bad the er told my mom they dont stitch them and was sent home it left a scar. The second time he was across the street about 10 yo They were jumping off a car in his friends back yard into the very tall weeds we have here he jumped of hit his chin on his knee and bit it bad on the oppisite side called dr and again they said they do nothing with the tonge.So as dr mom I had him stick it out i put alcohol on it folded it back together and made him hold it another scar. The third time was the worst he was 13 yo.He was rideing his bike with friends and jumping a dirt hill. He jump caught his front tire and hit his face this time bit it in the middle he didnt come his friend did he was crying and said Tyler bit his tonge off I was scared told his dad to go get him when he got back he came in and said we had to take him to th er. This time he did get stitches 12 across the top it was terrible he couldnt eat it just hung out of his mouth it would get so dry felt so bad for him.He never bit it again always made sure it was in his mouth were it belonged. crazy how his tonge is what is bottering me at this min.I MISS HIM SO MUCH! Would love to take care of you right now! Thanks for listening I think I just needed to write it all down.You guys are all I have right now. No friends I do have my kids its just differt. and I dont know what this is doing to my relationship with my huaband.and my parents are gone and my only sister lives in Oklahoma.It just gets so hard.Now I amd suppossed to call the DA about the case. I dont know what to say to him. sorry could go on and on

[dwsmithrn]

it's ok, crystal...you can write anything you want to....whatever works for you, works for us. we are all in this horrid thing together, like it or not.

i started a journal....i write it on my computer everyday, sometimes several times a day. i write whatever comes to my mind. anything and everything. i write about nate, i write about what i feel every day, i write what i do or don't do, i write about things people say or don't say, i write about his service, i write about my kids, and family....just helps me process things. you might try it sometime....i just save it and pick up where i left off. doesn't matter if it makes sense or not, it's just for me....

good luck with the DA...hope that goes well...

diane

[mikesmomrs]

Diane: sweetie, we all have issues...and I think that helps us each to understand each other and be able to offer some listening value...your "issues" are that you have lost your precious child...you are in terrible pain, your heart is broken, you are not the same person you were...and you likely never will be, your "normal" changed, and you find a new "normal" and that takes time, lots of time. you are so very new to this, and you do have so many unanswered questions that, I believe, adds much to your distress and pain. I believe that, for me, one of the most important thoughts that I had that started to lead me to a softer spot was that I knew I had to honor my son's life by living mine. It was not easy, and it sure didn't happen quickly. Many times I just wanted to curl up and cry, and I did. And I wanted to scream, and I did. There are times when that is ALL we can do, and when those times come, we must honor them...tears are healing, though sometimes we don't feel that way at the time we are crying them. I had the dubious "benefit" of saying goodbye to my son...it was very, very painful; it was the most heartbreaking thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't know if I would have felt differently had the circumstances been different...I don't think any of us know that... I know that I still have questions, and I know they will not ever be answered on this earth. I have to believe that someday, when we meet again, those questions will be answered, or, that it won't matter anymore once we are reunited, and that's okay, too, so long as I am with Mike once again. As for the "being mad at God," I too have been told that it is okay...He is strong, He can take it. I miss Mike so much sometimes that I can feel myself shutting down...my breathing keeps on, and I don't know why. There are still times when I am brought to my knees by a smell, the sight of something, the touch of something...I know now that this will always be, but I also know that I can wake up and rejoice in the day, I can rejoice in my memories...this is not something that happens overnight, and it doesn't happen all at once...it is something that comes into your heart slowly, over time, and you will come to that day, too, Diane. You will. We promise. Holding you close in my heart, holding you close in thought...sending out love and comfort, wishing I could just sit by you, hold you, hold your hand, help you cry...help you "be."

love and hugs, many hugs...

[dwsmithrn]

thanks, carol....i need to hear that, i just can't quite process it all. i want to, my brain wants to, but my heart won't allow it....and i know you know what i mean. it IS all too new and too RAW and my emotions are running haywire. i sometimes can't even remember what i am supposed to do when i get up just to go to the potty....strange how the brain and the heart won't work together at times like these....my head hurts from 'thinking' too much today. i did vacuum today, but only so i could scream my head off and the neighbors wouldn't hear me....not that i really care what the house looks like.....funny, but my OCD (and boy did i have a bad case of that!) has turned into IDC (i don't care)....scares the hell out of my family....they have never, ever, in their lives seen their mother with a case of the IDC.....but it doesn't seem to bother me or my husband at all....he knows i will get better over time, and just simply don't give it a thought right now. so raspberries to them all....

maybe one day, way in the future, i might get up and think i care....maybe.....

but i do appreciate everyone here, thinking and caring and giving me the kind words and wisdom i need to put one foot in front of the other....i KNOW i would not be able to do that if not for you all....thanks.... :/

diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, Carol said it all so well. It may feel that it isn't new to you because it changed your life completely, but this is still very early on to think that you should be feeling any differently than you are. It does take time, it is a process that has to unfold as it will. We are holding you and all of our new to this world friends.

[dwsmithrn]

dee, thanks....process, or not, i HATE it...as i am sure all of us here do....i am caught between hurt and anger this week. want out of each emotion, but seem to be fighting them both. not even sure who i am angry with...myself for not being able to help my son, or him for leaving me or god for not caring enought to help him or help me help him, or just in general....hurt for all reasons known to all of us here. how do you explain, except, just plain ole HURT. can't change it, can't make it better, can't fix it, can't explain it to others, can't stop it, it just hurts to move, think, talk, do the normal things other people do every second of the day without trying. i am no longer a 'normal' person. that's pretty much it, right? i have been forever changed and there is nothing anyone can do about that...i will go on living, but at a sub par level.

i can only work on just getting out of bed for now. my heart and my brain will have to wait for another day. that's it.

good night indigo friends. i am glad i can talk to you, otherwise, i would so hopelessly alone and that could not be good.

sleep well, have good dream about your angels, feel well again, and i hope some good things come to you somehow.

diane

[Guest msnher]

So many broken hearts. Wise words and encouragement already given. I can't add to what's been said.

It is so normal to be angry....to be angry at our loved one...to be angry at God. And, as horrible as it feels when you're going through it, expressing it is absolutely the right thing to do. The panic that this is the way life will always be is also normal.

Keep talking, all you new moms. This is the right place to yell, cry, scream....get it out. Over and over again.

Most of all, be patient with yourselves. Be gentle with yourselves. Do what you can when you can with what you have. You will find your footing.

Did we get a new mom? Pam? I must have missed your post. I'll go back and find it. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here. But, I'm glad you found us. This place saved my life. Literally.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Diane - Well, you're perfectly normal to us.

[dlj0403]

Is it bad...that's not the right word...hurtful...I don't know what word to use...here's what has happened. Jenna's boyfriend sent me a text message saying that he was getting married. I'm happy for him and glad that he has found someone to share his life...but...he is wanting to either get married on Jenna's birthday or her angelversary date. I lost it...i think that's the most bazaar thing to even think about doing. I told him that those days are "my" days and I spend them with Jenna. I just don't know what to think or say to him. I just want to run away....my husband keeps asking me what's wrong. He knows me to well...but I can't explain it to him. It makes me mad for him to consider those two dates...I mean there are 363 other days in a year....sorry, just needed to vent for a bit.

[Guest msnher]

Jenna's mom - That's just weird. He must have thought he would be honoring Jenna and that would please you. He was wrong. I would think his fiancé' would object, too. Yep. Weird. Good for you for telling him no.

[dlj0403]

That's the word! WEIRD....I was just dumbfound...thank you!

Jenna's mom - That's just weird. He must have thought he would be honoring Jenna and that would please you. He was wrong. I would think his fiancé' would object, too. Yep. Weird. Good for you for telling him no.

[lolynbo]

KOURTNEYS HUSBAND HAD SOMEONE LIVING WITH HIM , 4 MONTHS AFTER SHE DIED..IN THEIR HOUSE, AND NOW HES MARRIED BEEN MARRIED A YR AND HAS A BB GIRL THATS ALMOST A YR OLD, AND NOT THE SAME GIRL HE MOVED IN WITH HIM AT 4 MONTHS.....THEY SADLY MOVE ON....WE DONT

[Guest msnher]

Lorri -

[dlj0403]

Do you still keep in touch with him? At first I was really strong for him but now I want him to leave me alone. Just seems like a constant reminder that Jenna is gone. He was the one that found Jenna in her apartment. And like Kourtney's husband...Greg moved in with one of Jenna's sorority sisters two months after Jenna passed. I get angry now. He had a headache and left work. But instead of going to Jenna's apartment (where he was living), he went to his moms house. If he had gone to the apartment, he would have been there when Jenna collapsed and could have taken her to the hospital.

KOURTNEYS HUSBAND HAD SOMEONE LIVING WITH HIM , 4 MONTHS AFTER SHE DIED..IN THEIR HOUSE, AND NOW HES MARRIED BEEN MARRIED A YR AND HAS A BB GIRL THATS ALMOST A YR OLD, AND NOT THE SAME GIRL HE MOVED IN WITH HIM AT 4 MONTHS.....THEY SADLY MOVE ON....WE DONT

[summergirl]

Carol - The words you wrote to Diane are beautiful, tears as I read....you said it all my friend.

It does get softer with time and "honor the lives of our child" is so true, I never want Jessica's 26 years on this earth to be "the end"... so I do what I can each day to do something I know she would be happy about. I too do not know how I would be had we lost Jessica under different circumstances either, something I have thought about many times when I read here how each child left.....would it have been "easier" had I been able to say good by and let her go as many have or was "losing her suddenly and unexpectedly easier" - well we damn sure know nothing about any of it is "easier" - so I do not wonder about that anymore, the questions I have will be answered one day and as you said just being with Jessica again is all the answer I need.

Just talked to my sister....dad has fluid in his lungs, they removed a liter today and will again tonight. She is going to have a meeting with the doctor to see where things are and if the answer is what I fear then I will be flying to Iowa to be with him. I do know that fluid in the lungs can lead to congestive heart failure and that is my fear...being sedated, on a breathing tube and being 75 years of age is not in his favor.....I know it is in God's hands but prayers are welcome. As I put Tavian to bed tonight he said "mi-mi, you are very sad" and I replied "yes, I am very sad about my dad being sick" and he said "my mommy would be happy to have your dad in Heaven with her" and he smiled at me and then said "I bet you are sadder then I was when my mommy passed because I was only 4 years old" !!!! What do you say to that ?? so I held him tight, told him I loved him and I was sure that his mommy would be very happy to see my dad....he fell asleep holding my hand..... The love I have for that little boy is beyond words.

Prayers, Stength and Love to all here.....I may not say much lately but I do read your words and I hug each of you...Kathy

[lolynbo]

YES WHEN I SEE HIM OR FINALLY GET TO SEE HIM I HUG HIM...I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH, WE RACE (DIRT TRACK STOCK CARS) AND HE RACES NOW AT OUR TRACK...HE WENT THRU HELL WITH US FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS WITH MY BABY, EVEN THOUGH HE DID LEAVE ON THE WEEKENDS TO GO RACE, I NO IN MY HEART HE LOVED HER, AND HE CRIED RIGHT ALONG WITH US WHEN SHE DIED...HE WAS 24 WHEN SHE DIED, MARRIED ONLY 9 MONTHS TIL SHE GOT SICK...SO I NEW HE WAS GONNA MOVE ON, IT HURT AT FIRST...BUT I GOTTA NO, KOURTNEY WOULD WANT HIM HAPPY...AND SO DO WE....HIS WIFE NOW (HATE TO SAY IT THAT WAY)..CARLEY I NO WE ARE WAYYYYY TOO MUCH TO TAKE BUT SHES YOUNG TO, AND SHE TRIES...SHES VERY WISHY WASHY BUT HELL LOOK AT US, WERE LOVING AND GIVING PPL...AND SHE CANT NO WHAT WE ALL WENT THRU TOGETHER...BUT SHE NOS MY HEART, THAT WE WANT BRENT HAPPY....AND I THINK HE IS...BUT HE TEXTED ME ON KOURTNEYS BDAY (FEB 27TH) SO I NO HE KNEW WHAT DAY IT WAS AND HOW HARD IT IS FOR US....SO HE CARES...

SO HARD TO WATCH LIFE GO ON AND PASS US BY...EVEN THOUGH WE ARE STILL ALIVE...WE DIED WHEN WE LOST OUR CHILD...IN OUR HEARTS...BRENT AND KOURTNEY WHEN HE PROPOSED...AND THEM IN NOLA WEEK B4 THEY GOT MARRIED...

[ericasmom]

Somehow or another, we find our new lives after long hours, days, months, years of working to figure out how to be this new person. What I found and continue to find is that the basic person i always was is still here with parts missing that can never be filled but with added parts too, new shiny pieces with new hobbies, interests, friends, stories that have become one with my old parts. We change and morph into the best person we can be carrying our ache with us but also finding some sunlight and reasons to smile and laugh. Promise. But as Colleen and others have said, it takes time and energy and at this early point for so many of you, the energy you do have needs to be used for the all- consuming act of grieving. I hope you have good dreams or visits from your Sweethearts soon.

Jenna's Mom, i too think it odd for him to want to do this...unless it is him thinking that in some way this honors your Jenna? I don't know but I guess I would do what you did, those dates are reserved for you alone and Jenna.

This is true for me on my dates with Eri. I share the day with my students if her birthday falls on a weekday, which it will this year, adn we all decorate the tree in the school playground that has a plaque in her honor...but I go to the cemetery usually alone on her day and I need time alone with Erica to cry and to go through our times together.

Lorri, I think thatyou have handled the whole Brent and wife thing quite well.

Kath, keep us posted on your Dad. I think that Tavian talking about the possibilities of your Pops leaving and comparing it to his Mom are priceless connections. We learn so much from the Children.

Pam, holding up today?

Sharon?

Carrie?

Crystal?

Deanne?

Michelle?

Crystal 2?

Beth, was today better?

Love to all, and to all the indigos that are not here on a regular basis, remember that we think of you, keep you in our prayers. Terrie, Cindy, Kaye, Avery's Dad, Scott, Leah, and all others whose lives have been altered in like ways, we hold you.

[charsng1234]

went to the county attorney office today thought they would be giving me good news!! No they did not they told me some bull crap about some law here in az that this man feared for his life, the man shot him through a window in the head!! The ass claimed he was shooting just the window but he crouched down and shot him at a angle!!! I don't get it they seem to think he has less than a 50% chance the grand jury will prosecute him.. My son could have been going to his door for help, they said that the people were sleeping minding there own when they heard a noise in there yard, funny they did not here the sirens two houses down. I am so tired I am trying to fight for justice but it seems like the law only cares if you have money, my husband seen the pictures of my son he said he never had a chance. I am having such a hard time dealing with all this! How can a person shoot someone outside there home and get away with it?? Shanes mom..

[2 Angels in Heaven]

It's 3am and I can't sleep.... I'm going to hate work in the morning.

Carol, Thank you for writing what you wrote to Diane. Your words were encouraging to me.

I don't remember who wrote what but, wanted to respond to the boyfriends and girlfriends of our children moving on so quickly after their deaths. This is a huge problem for me right now. My daughter Vanessa's boyfriend started a relationship with her best friend ONE WEEK after her death! Actually, 3 days after she died he told me he was feeling guilty because he was already thinking of moving on. It's only been 6 weeks since Vanessa died and he and the new girlfriend have been on 3 vacations together with my daughters money! It hurts so much, I can't even talk about him and what he has done to me since the deaths. Let's just leave it that he is an extremely horrible person and probably responsible for her death.

This whole thing is so fresh and painful to me. My husband (Stepfather to the girls) totally doesn't understand what I'm going through. He expects me to completely function as I did before my daughters died. He refuses to let me mourn them. If I start feeling sorry for myself he tells me I'm not the only one going through this, referring to the rest of my family. He also says this happen to him too. Although, he hasn't acted as if he has been effected by their death's at all. I've gotten more sympathy from co-workers then I have from him. So basically, I stay up late after he goes to bed and on my way to work and on my way home from work I grieve, cry, and look for more ways to cope. I need help, I'm a closet griever!

[ericasmom]

Lori, I have always concluded that young folks move on in different ways when they lose a friend, a lover, a sibling, but that guy sounds incredibly cruel to even tell you that he was going out with a friend of your Vanessa's so soon after her death...a week? Come on Dude, what the hell? My suspicions have been aroused now.

I am sorry that your husband does not get it, but as others here have already read, and many also have gone through, if the stepdad or stepmom to a a deceased child cannot understand or support the grieving process for their spouse, they can move the hell out, because that is going to take precident for some time, no telling how long and the sadness over the loss is forever, unlike the sadness from a divorce! We are never that same person they married, can't be and if they cannot deal with that and support the spouse, it really is time to move on. I am not saying that giving up on a marriage especially when you are dealing with so MUCH ACHE is a good thing to do, I am saying you can let him know that this is who you are now, and he can take it or leave it. What so many folks without children don't get is nobody, NOBODY counts in our hearts as our Kids do.

there, crabby dee has surfaced today, sorry,

love to all

[shorty16]

Lori

I can relate, but in a different way.

There were 3 boys involved in the car-surfing stunt. One was dead (Brian), one was in jail and going to be sentenced as a felon, and the other was a smart-ass little punk who made sure everyone know that he was just an innocent bystander and Brian was the ring leader.

This made me so mad and I would cry, scream, etc. Then someone said to me "Why do you give this boy any space in your mind?" It was then that I decided to take control of who I allowed and who I did not allow in my brain.

It is still very hard to do that, but for my sanity and my families sanity, we have no contact with the passenger or anyone who feels they need to inform us of the passengers life experiences.

This is just how we handled it.

Good luck my friend

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Shane's Mom

I am so sorry about the news you received from the police. My heart is aching for you. Please, Please do not give up. I know this fighting is hard, but there will be a day when you can sit back and say "I did all I could for my boy." That peace will keep you standing in your darkest hours.

We all have to walk through the fire to get to our new life. Some choose to take a chair and sit on the road of grief, others, like us, are thrust into a foreign world where we have to stand up for our child.

To me, the reality of Brian putting himself on the hood of the car and staying there when the car was moving is a decision that Brian made all by himself. Admitting that Brian had a hand in his own death was one of the hardest things I had to do.

The judicial system was built off defending the accussed. Unless intent can be proven, it is hard to overcome 200 years of laws.

I am sorry if my message is mixed, but all I can speak about is my own experiences.

I am your Cheerleader!!!

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[sadmomm]

Hi Dee and indigos I am here just reading not much to say. My mind is chalking away ... and yes i am a different person. not one i want to be. carrie

[zachysmom]

just wanted to let everyone know I had a better day somewhat yesterday. I'll be in and out of chat today if anyone wants to chat.

Colleen you have come a long way since we first met and I'm proud of you.

I am proud of all of you who are here you make the choice everyday to come and read and post if you can but you make the choice to be here and that is a big step in the healing process. I know all our angels are proud of us for helping each other out.

Beth

[westleysmom]

After my daughter told me yesterday morning that my granddaughter thought she had "found" Westley when my nephew came to visit, I developed a terrible headache and had it all day. The day that Westley died was supposed to be a board meeting at my work, but thank goodness it had been cancelled, but now when we do have our board meetings (quarterly), they're even more hard for me than before. The January meeting this year was the day before the anniversary of his death, and it was cancelled too, not because of that, but for other reasons. I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone (if they had forgotten, and I'm always surprised by how soon other people forget) why I really didn't want us to have that meeting. Yesterday's meeting was a have-to, with a lot of accounting business to take care of, so I had to talk a lot, which stresses me out, too. But I made it through.

New Moms-You are all in my thoughts everyday and I hope that you are able to soon find your footing on the path. It is so hard at first I think because you don't really want to find your footing. You don't want to go on without them, at least I didn't without Westley. Life with him was an adventure, you never knew what was going to happen next. I worried constantly about him, but I didn't really see this coming the way that it did. I guess that's why we can't see the future, we couldn't stand it if we knew in advance. I sometimes think that I'm still mad at God because if I wasn't, wouldn't that mean I had sided with Him against Westley? Thrown my lot to the winner, and left my baby dead in his grave? I suppose that sounds crazy, but that is why I can't give up my anger at God just yet. It feels like betraying my baby boy. So I don't usually say I'll pray for you, because God and I aren't quite on speaking terms just yet, but I do think of you and wish you peace throughout your day, even for a moment.

Kathy-Tavian's words made me cry like my granddaughter telling her Daddy when she got home that she saw Westley at Ma's, when it was just my nephew that barely resembles him. She was so little when he died, but she loved him and tries to remember him. I hope you get good news from your Dad soon and send hugs to you all.

I hope we all have a better day today. Peace

[Guest msnher]

Lori - I felt so badly for you as I read your post and then feel guilty because your last sentence "I'm a closet griever" brought a burst of laughter from me. That won't work, New Friend. Grief won't allow you to be a closet griever for very long. It will explode and it won't be pretty. I just don't understand your husband's reaction. I don't understand Venessa's boyfriend. Like Dee, my suspicions are raised.

Sharon - We had (have) suspicions about Stephanie's boyfriend, too. Her friends still insist he had a hand in her death, coming right out and saying he killed her. The deputy said there was no evidence of foul play. But, this same deputy didn't charge the boyfriend because the machines weren't insured or registered. "He has enough on his plate" he said. Our daughter's dead, but he didn't want to make this boyfriends problems worse.

Lori and Sharon - I was all fought out when Stephanie died. I wanted more answers and some of the pieces don't seem to fit and I may never have complete peace but I just didn't have it in me to do battle anymore. We were fighting for her children. We were already neck deep in the middle of a civil trial against the exhusbands girlfriend (abuse against the children) and the criminal trial was just getting started.

My daughter was dead. Nothing I did would change that. I chose to direct my energy to protecting her children and pure survival. Everytime I write about it I think it's time to become investigator/detective again...feeling that right now...and, everytime...EVERYTIME...something happens to tell me to leave it alone. Hope it happens THIS time or I'm calling the Coroner at 9am.

Anyway....my point, if I have one...is this isn't a load you carry by yourselves. Sharon - You may never receive legal justice for Shane...but, just the release of the 911 tape has brought to the attention of the public what happened. That's little consolation, I know. But, maybe it's some comfort to know it is "out there" that that man pulled the trigger while his wife spoke to 911 and they were telling her to tell her husband to put the gun down NOW...in the meantime, he pulls the trigger. Her voice didn't sound calm to me. Her voice sounded scared. Not of your son. Scared of the fact her husband had a gun. She sounded scared that he "shot a bullet". She wasn't focusing on the person in the backyard...she was focusing on that damn gun. None of that fixes a thing, Sharon......but, the truth is out there. Unless he becomes a hermit and hides in his house for the rest of his life, he has to face his own friends that have listened to the tape as they ask him "why?"

Lori - I don't even know what to say about your husband. I just don't get it. I hope he's not close by when your grief decides it's had enough of being in the closet.

Hugs to all of you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, I must have missed your post yesterday about the Westley sighting from your Grandgirl, or maybe this tiredness bug that is still hanging on is causing me to forget more than usual, either way, how cool that she thought your nephew was West. I wonder if she didn't see him hanging out there with everyone, visiting, checking in on everyone.

I get the anger at God thing, I guess my thoughts of God are just as this being that does not make the decisions to stop things from happening, nobody can do that, if he could why would half of Japan be wiped out? Why is there war? Why hunger? I think instead that God is responsible for the next place to be when all else falls away here, the perfection of endless time and freedom from pain...least I hope so.