Loss of an Adult Child

[lolynbo]

SINCE THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE WE CAN SPEAK OUR MINDS HERE I GO (HOLLERING OUT LOUD)\

(LOOKING AT PICS OF KOURTNEYS CLASS MATES AND FRIENDS HAVEING BABIES )

SO FN HAPPY LIFE IS SO FN GOOD FOR EVERYONE...HAVING BABIES ,SMILING FINDING THE MAN THEY LOVE LIVING HAPPILY EVER AFTER...SNAP SHOTS WITH CLASS MATES, SNAP SHOTS OF THE LIL ONES BY THE TREE WITH MOM AND DAD.....SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FN HAPPY EVERYONE IS HAPPY...

(CLEARING MY THROAT, THERE I FEEL SOME BETTER)

[summergirl]

Hello to everyone - alot too catch up on, can't even begin to try. Just wanted to say hello and let you know that as always you are all in my thoughts and prayers....sending virtual hugs to all. I miss you all and hopefully will be able to post again soon. Much love, Kathy

[Guest msnher]

Karen - Yes, I'm glad I asked. Did Shawn's father marry you, then? He said he wasn't ready and you are an exwife, so I'm just curious, if you don't mind me asking. I'm so sorry things are the way they are with Mark. I wish I had an answer for you. I wish I could at least offer the old platitudes of everything will be okay, but we all know too well that it isn't always okay. At least, not on this side of life. I don't know if Dee remembers, but I posted something about how Jacqueline Kennedy said if we fail we our children, nothing else we do matters much, so I decided I was a complete failure. Of course those were the early days when I thought I was a complete failure as a mother. I think we all go through that, too. I don't think that now...that I was a failure. I made mistakes, but I always only wanted the best for my children...during my worst moments I wouldn't have chosen the path Stephanie chose for herself.

Anyway, I digress....I posted my guilt and Jacqueline's quote and Dee wrote back just one line....The Kennedy's aren't the best example of perfect parenting. Made me laugh.

Oh, that makes no sense in context of what you're saying, Karen, but the point is none of this makes sense. Not with your boys....unless....this isn't the end of the story. There's so much more to learn...so much more to grow. I wish you and I lived closer. I'm sure we would be fast friends...or else you would be sick of me. But you and I have both felt and experienced the nonphysical side of life too often to know not everything in the physical makes sense...but certainly....you will know what an incredible job you did if not on this side of life then on the next.

Love to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[westleysmom]

Betsy-I'm so sorry for your brother and will be thinking of him and you in the coming days. Laura is in my thoughts as well. Not being able to give our boys all that we had for them is only a piece of the heartbreak, isn't it? There was so much more and sometimes it feels like it will burst my heart, what's left of it. I do the same thing with people born in 1989, I keep thinking they must be almost 21, when now they're turning 22. Crazy, I know, the things that go through my mind.

Karen-I'm so sorry for the trouble you are still having getting your relationship with Mark back on track. Hugs to you friend,

Diane-Do Nathan and Westley share a birthday, January 19? Or did I misunderstand when Nathan's birthday is? I wouldn't worry about work either, like Dee said, you'll know when you're ready. I'm glad you have the kind of job where you can wait. I know that a lot of people don't get to decide and its very hard when you feel you're being forced to go back to work, when you feel like this new reality is being forced on you already. Guilt moved in with me the moment my cell phone rang that morning with the hysterical girl on the other end saying she couldn't wake Westley up. I don't look for it to move out soon, but have heard that eventually you can reduce guilt to only sleepovers and not being a full time tenant. How can we be at fault when we would have gladly been the one to go in their place if we had been asked? Because we're their Moms, and we can't help but feel guilty since they're gone. But that doesn't make it true, and we just have to keep working on convincing ourselves that it isn't our fault, we did everything we could, we loved them and we love them still.

Is it time for bed yet? I'm ready to go now, and will as soon as its late enough that I won't wake up too early. Sleep well and I hope if you dream, you see them happy and smiling and safe and warm, and you hold them close to your heart and smile in your sleep.

[kmb22]

Susannah, Yes we did marry after that. We'd been together for 3 yrs at that time, I loved him and we planned to marry but he was "young" for his age even being six yrs older.The truth is he was far more interested in his friends and his toys than settling down just yet. I know he panicked and didn't really mean all of his words. We were very happy until the last two months when he lost his job and we both lost our way. He moved on quickly, out of our house to his next wife to be, raising her kids. I got over the bitterness of our own mistakes but don't think I'll ever get over all the ways he left our boys behind.

[ericasmom]

Karen, how dearly I will wish and hope for Mark to see his way clear to coming back into your life. You are not nor have been a failure as a MOm. I sure did things that hurt ERi and Jon too, we all do things that perhaps given the chance to re-do, we might change, I have many things that, hands-down, I would change...the idiot I dated and kept near my kids for 2.5 years, ICKY MAN. And so many other things, and it really put a wedge between me and Erica adn Jonathan for some time, but life changes, and we change too, as do our Children, and we just can't predict where when and how. We just can't.

I understand very well what you are saying, have said it myself, if I am without my Daughter and my Son is steeped in depression, who am I? What will I do with the Mom in me? I will hold out hope Karen, that Mark will find his steps back into the life that includes his Mom. As far as therapy and being locked away? Don't worry, go and find out some new things to help you, nobody is going to lock you away.

Peace one day I swear

[dwsmithrn]

dee...i do hope this guilt will leave me soon, the pain and heartbreak is almost too much to bear, so i just can't take on anything else, like guilt, too.

i think i was the kind of mother i can be proud of, but of course, we all make mistakes....i always told my kids...there is no such thing as a perfect parent, but at the same time, there is no such thing as a perfect kid, either....and always told them to think about that....and they did....they bring that up to me now that they have kids of their own. guess it hits home now. but, this guilt, this guilt, it hurts my brain. i still can't help but wonder, what i could have done to change nathan's mind....i miss him and i love him so....i hope he knew that...i hope he knows that now.

rhonda....nathan's birthday....1-19-79....he left me 2 days after that, 1-21-11....a mere 32 years old. he still had a life time ahead of him. not yet married, no steady girlfriend, no love of his own, no children....i do believe he was lonely and wanted what his siblings had, a family.....not that this was the only thing that drove him to 'this decision'...there other things in his depression, but i think lonliness did play a factor.

maybe westley and nathan will have a big blow on their next b'day....

i have no doubt that these, our angels, are good friends and wondering why their moms are so sad and lonely down here when they are so happy and well and healthy up there. i wish i could really see it like that, but i'm not there yet. wish we could just pop in and see for ourselves, maybe that would help us somewhat...huh?

karen..sorry you are feeling so low today...wish i could say something to make you feel better. i know you did everything a mother could do for her boys. there is nothing more special than a relationship with mom and her boys....i can't help but feel that you were a great mom. it is just saad when things go wrong and you know you did all the right things. things will change down the road and mark will find his way back to his mom.

lorri...i know what you mean. that is what i have to face going back to work...all nathan's classmates bringing in their babies and smiling so big, showing off their little families and then giving me that 'look'..poor me....i dread it. uuhhhggg....crap, just crap!

hope you all have a little nap tonight....i have my doubts about any sleep tonight...for some reason, this whole weekend has been a very sad and tearful w/e.....i have not been able to rest or eat much....my stomach is doing flips and i just want to jump through the window and run away....

night all.....love, diane

[ericasmom]

good quotes karen, make great sense. I too love being alone with my thoughts and emotions. I need more alone time as I go along.

diane, being a mom means so many wondrous things but it also means being saddled with guilt, as though the moment we conceive or adopt, we have a full life supply of it on hand. Never again do we do anything without second guessing our motives or actions...we are made to worry about the foods we give the kids, did they get outside enough, did we baby them too much, (and yes, while they were babies we were told not to baby them), did we potty train to severely, did we mess them up basically is what we are constantly being asked/told...being a parent means in addition to the most unconditional love, comes unconditional guilt. When our Child dies, we go to that guilt place pretty quickly, had I only known, had I only kept her on the phone longer, had I noticed the illness, and on like this for each of us no matter the cause. We take on the major part of the blame even when no blame is needed adn as we all know, no blame can bring them back. It sounds like Nathan loved/loves you very much and there is no way Diane that he did not know how dearly you love him. It also sounds as though he was making plans in his life, to take guitar lessons, to play at the reunion, so I think that whatever Nathan was thinking in those last days he kept to himself, and there was no chance for anyone to help him. I am sorry Diane, I know you are plagued by wanting to have a why to all of this. I hope that you will get some sleep after all, and that some peaceful thoughts will prevail in your dreams. When I cannot sleep or wake in the night, instead of counting sheep or anything, I count you, all of you and your children, I try to remember names and faces of the kids adn i drift often most times, thinking about my BI family.

Kath, good to see you, how is your Pops?

Sherry, very cold here but sunny thank heavens. Not much deer here either this winter, so I am hoping that they will not find the spring growth of tulips and various other tender plants here and munch.

[mikesmomrs]

Sherry: Thank you for your thoughts on Jamie…Cathi is definitely going to find a new doctor, and she has also written a letter to the head of the organization where Jamie was seen. Jamie wound up at the ER today...had a temp of 103...turned out he has bronchitis...will have to miss school again...he's already missed over three weeks from when he was sick all last month with a stomach virus that did not want to let go...and he was just too sick to do school work while he was home, so he missed a lot. I too remember your sweet dream about baby Lisa...a gift to treasure.

Betsy: So very sorry to hear about Laura and your brother’s pain over this added loss for him. It is so very sad to “sit and watch”…it envelops your soul and takes you to places you never before knew. All are in my prayers and thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing your “heart tree.” A good thing for you to hold close in your heart.

Crystal: (Tyler’s mom): I am so glad that you were able to go shopping and find joy in your sweet little Will…sounds as though you found a really cute hat just for him! Hold on to that, Crystal, that is a sweet memory to help you through, and it will, eventually.

Betty: So glad you got to go to the opera…must be relaxing at least?

Dee: I hope the soup helped John and maybe he is feeling better. I am glad you are on spring break...rest, renew, enjoy...you surely deserve it!

Lorri: Understanding your irritation at others’ happy smiles produced by their lives going on in the normal way…graduations, weddings, etc. I feel such a pain in my heart when I see a young couple with a baby in a stroller…that is the last thing that Mike and Sarah did…out at the mall, with Damon in the stroller. Also, I was with them when they went for information on a new drug trial, after Mike developed the second tumor…watched them as they all three made their way through the hospital, seeking help…help that couldn’t help anymore…

Karen: I am so very sorry for all that you have been through; it sounds though as if you did indeed do the best you could do…I hope that one day Mark will find his way back and re-establish your relationship. I do understand what you mean about feeling as though being “mom” is who you were and now what…

Sharon/Diane: I can’t remember who it was, but I think it was one of you who said something about “I should just bury his ashes and that way people will have someplace to go….” I can’t remember the exact words. Mike requested to be cremated. We have had the ashes here at our home…some were put into “Keepsake urns” and his wife has one, his boys have one, his sisters each have one and we have one also. We found after a while that it was difficult to not have “someplace to go” someplace that was Mike’s alone, someplace where we could go when we just needed to “be” and remember him. Of course, we do that everywhere, but this “place” was needed. So we ordered a stone (a flat stone), and a bench for people to sit on, and had a small, family and close friends ceremony where we buried a small amount of his ashes…those who wish to now have a “place” if they feel the need. A little aside: we kind of felt this action was “approved” when the two men came to place the stone after we placed the ashes…each man was wearing a Red Sox shirt! (Mike was a very passionate Red Sox Baseball fan) Though our eyes were shedding tears, our hearts were reminded of a memory that made us all smile.

Rhonda: I know that Westley is so proud of you for showing some support for his friend…I can imagine that birthdays in jail are not happy occasions, and I am sure that your card will brighten his day.

Pam: Tears are healing…though it takes time…

Leah, Lori, thinking of you both.

“GUILT”…horrid, useless, always there, often stems from nothing that counts, and yet eats at us like an acid in our heart. When we took Mike to the ER, where they eventually diagnosed his brain tumor, the ER nurse looked at me and said, rhetorically, “Why did you wait so long to bring him in?” If I could have died at that moment to allow him to live, I would have jumped onto the gurney and said goodbye all! We “waited” because NO ONE told us 6 years previously that there was a “lesion on the front temporal part of the brain that should be watched.” Three doctors saw this, and NO ONE told us. All they said was “here is the medication to control the seizures.” NO ONE said “oh, by the way, seizures can be a sign of a brain tumor.” Flash forward six years…over a few weeks time, Mike starts acting strangely, his right side not cooperating with his desired movements, tired all the time, loses 40 lbs over two months…he had just gotten married, they had a baby one month later, he got a new 10 hour a day job, preparing heavy roofing shingles for shipment…worn out when he got home….everyone said it was the stress, the new job, the baby, the hours…blah, blah, blah. Call his neuro doc for an appointment…”Oh, we don’t have anything until September…we will keep you on the list for a cancellation.” SEPTEMBER is FIVE freaking months away! I get him an appt with MY neuro doc…three days hence…the day before the appt, Mike wakes up with the worst grand mal seizure I’d ever seen him have. Everyone has already left for work but me. (I was the only one who ever happened to be with Mike when he would have a grand mal seizure, except once Sarah did)… I call an ambulance. We wind up at the ER, with that freaking senseless nurse asking me “Why did you wait so long to bring him in?” GUILT. So useless, yet we all hold on to it…why?

Trudi: “The brain and the heart are at war,” So very true, my dear friend…so very true.

It’s late, so I know most all are already signed off for the night…so will say I hope you have a good Monday…supposed to continue to be cold here most of the week…when will we finally be able to say (and mean it) “ah, spring!”

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Carol - Reading about the question in the ER broke my heart for you. One question. As mothers we feel guilty without a crisis or tragedy. We stock up. We feel guilty for something as small as being late for one of their performances...no matter the reason. It's what we do...guilt. Put something serious in it like their death and it is just too much. The other guilts we try to fix by apologizing, being extra nice, giving extra hugs and, yes, even buying them something. Our child continues on but we never get over the fact we hurt their feelings or they were hurt by anyone or anything. We vow to do our best not to allow it to happen again. When our child dies it changes all the rules. The guilt we feel we so deserve cannot be reconciled this time. Our child is gone and we can't fix it. We can't fix their fear or their anxiety or their actions. Everything in our maternal makeup says that is our job and we want to do our job and now it's too late. Guilt.

One simple question....

It's normal...this guilt we carry. It isn't healthy. It isn't necessary. But, it's normal. It's possible to have relief from the guilt. Your stop sign is surely an excellent tool to repel the lies and the shoulds and the blame.

Yes, it's normal.....but most of the time it's a lie...the guilt. Guilt lies to us and we believe it.

Or, it exaggerates. yes, Guilt exaggerates the truth and we agree with it. What's interesting is we never believe guilt when it's accusing someone else. We only believe it when we are the accused.

GUILTY! it says as it points it's finger. The other interesting fact is we are the ones who's pointing the finger at our self proclaiming, exposing our guilt. Our shame. Our worthlessness.

It's a lie. All a lie.

Well, I rambled. Sorted through thoughts on my keyboard again. I don't think I'll believe the lie today or at least try not to.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andy88]

Good morning, friends. So I took a vacation day today. I'm just not ready to be back at work. I only took 3 weeks because I was feeling pressure to come back. I asked if I could work from the mountains for a month....no. My company is not work-from-home friendly. For the most part, I think it's been good for me to be back, but it's so hard to get out of bed in the morning. I would have preferred to have 6 months to stay in a cabin in the mountains and recover, but unfortunately in this economy, I'm afraid to take the time I really need. What to do? Just slog on, I guess. Smile, smile, smile. Say "I'm fine". Come home and cry. My new life. I don't like it. I did have a wonderful visit with my cousins this weekend who travelled to be with me. I love my family, and I'm trying to count that blessing.

Sending hugs to everyone.

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

it's a cold, rainy morning here in north carolina....even have some sleet and snow mixed in...so spring, you say? haven't seen much of it, yet....maybe if i would let myself go outside on the warmer days, i could see some of it....the daffodils and the tulips are blooming in my flower beds in the front of the house, but i have no joy in seeing them.

i am so appalled at the doctors and nurses responses/reactions i am hearing here....i am a nurse and my husband is a pediatrician....i can't imagine either one of us saying anything cruel to one of our patients. why, that is just not done....parents have enough to deal with as it is, and when a child is sick or has an issue, you certainly don't make that child or his parent feel badly or guilty for whatever reason. i am just in shock over what has happened to some of you. that is just not acceptable. these people who call themselves care-givers and professionals should be reported to the boards of which they belong. NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!!

i fell asleep crying last night and slept for a couple of hours....woke up and lay awake for awhile, but never got up, just lay there thinking, thinking, thinking. of all kinds of things, mostly about nathan and his life. he was such a good boy....a sweet little boy...loveable, cute, huggable...always trying to please us. went to college, made good grades, graduated in occupational therapy, went on to get his doctorate....worked hard....did kind and loving acts for his community...funded a scholarship program for the OT dept at his school, ECU....ran in 2 marathons....was active in his community....i think about all the things he did right, and wonder what went wrong.....he loved his family....he was crazy about his neices and nephews....he was the best uncle....a good son....a good brother....if you needed something, he was on it....when i first got sick, he was the first one home, cleaned the house from top to bottom before he left to go back home... i know he was having trouble with a girl, and i do think that played a hand in his depression.....i still think despite his outward appearance, he was lonely....and that just eats away at me. how could i have missed that. we even talked about how he had plenty of time to meet ms. right...and he was all about finding ms. right...he never let on that it bothered him in any way. when he talked to me, i know now that he left out a lot of things he didn't want me to know about him....he hid parts of himself that he knew would upset or bother me. he didn't want to burden me with his problems. he wanted me to think he was ok....that same word i use when poeple ask me 'how are you today?'....i say 'ok'....so as not to have to explain...nathan did it too...i see that now. i wish i had known. i wish i had seen his tough exterior. i'm his mom....i should have seen it...i should have questioned him more....now my baby is gone. i can't know. he's gone. and i feel all alone.

gotta go....diane

[dwsmithrn]

pam, i'm sorry you had to go to work too soon....it's hard, i'm sure and i am already dreading the day i have to return, which will be pretty soon.

i don't know how i can face the patients in this state of mind. some, actually many, are nathan's old classmates, with spouses and children of their own. and i have to see that everyday i go to work....the better news is, that i work for my husband and he's not pushing. he changed my work schedule to only 1 1/2 days a week. he said i can ease into it when i feel ready. i know i need to start working into it, so as to give the other girls a break. they have been working full-time without a day off...and i feel like they do need a day off soon. they have been wonderful through all of this and have not complained one time, but i know i will have to go back soon....so maybe in a couple of week, i will try to do a couple of hours and see how that goes.

i really would be happy if i never had to go back, but that is just not possible....

this sucks.....i hate it....

diane

[andy88]

Diane,

I live in NC too! Where do you live? And yes, it is an ugly day with rain and sleet mixed in. It was 82 last week. I think this weather is doing nothing for our moods. Bring on the sunshine!

Pam/Andy's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

pam...statesville...just north of charlotte....

where do you live?

diane

[andy88]

pam...statesville...just north of charlotte....

where do you live?

diane

I live in Raleigh. I know Statesville...been through there many times.

Pam/Andy's Mom

[westleysmom]

Morning all. Just a minute before I get into my day at work. When I got here this morning I had an e-mail from an old friend, somebody that I've worked with since 1994. One of the nicest people you would ever meet. Its subject line said "Sons". When I opened it, she said she didn't know if I'd heard, but her youngest son died three weeks ago and she wanted to call me today if that would be okay. I burst into tears and when I got back under control, replied that she could call me anytime she wanted to and that I was so sorry. I don't know what happened, and I think her children are a little older than mine, but not sure. She lives in CA, so we only saw each other from time to time over the years, when we were working on projects together. Please keep Elaine in your thoughts and me to be able to give her some kind of support when she calls today. I hope that I can get through the conversation without saying something that would make the cut for "Oh no, you didn't just say that" volume 1. If I do say something stupid, I will apologize right away.

Beautiful weather in TN, but still cold. I hope you all have a little sunshine in your day today.

[dwsmithrn]

OMG, we are neighbors....it is about what, 2 hours away, but there has to be a way we can make arrangements to meet halfway sometime and meet for lunch or something....i would love to do that at some point....

when both of us are stronger and ready to venture out, i think that would be good for both of us...what do you think?

diane

[andy88]

I would love it!

[dwsmithrn]

I would love it!

great, we will keep in touch and work on that as a future goal.....that gives me something to look forward to...thanks, diane

[dwsmithrn]

rhonda, i'm sorry for your friend....i know you couldn't possible say something wrong to your friend...you can only be helpful....i know the phonecall won't be an easy one, but she did want to call YOU, so she is calling the one person who she knows how she is feeling and why...she feels she can trust her grief with you....you can only help her understand what she is feeling and why....no one else understands like those of us who are here....feeling the same things. good luck with it and i know you will say all the right things to her. you are good, even if this 'thing' is not good.

diane

[ericasmom]

My heart breaks over again Carol at the insensitive nurse remark. ICK.

My heart is sad too over the loss of your friend's son Rhonda.

My heart is glad for the possible connection, physcal and emotional for Pam and Diane, HOORAY!

[ericasmom]

I have a dear friend, who retired at the end of the last school year as our School Social Worker. She was fabulous, wondrous, even saw my Eri years ago when Eri was struggling. She was so looking forward to retirement to spend more time with her archeologist husband, and to more fully take care of her aging parents. They were going to go to Australia last month and New Zealand, but in December, her husband found a lump in his neck...well this many weeks later, it turns out that he has two kinds of cancer going on and treatments have begun. Prayers for my dear friend and her sweetie of a husband please.

I am off for a walk, chilly but sunny. Yesterday as I walked, the field attached to the playground nearby had over 50 robins strolling the lawns, watching for worm action. I love them for their industrious nature, adaptability, and mostly for their spirit filing song. Carol I am glad that Cathi has reported that ugly doctor, and I do hope that Jamie is doing better soon. This cold is definitely causing problems for anyone with bronchial issues.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Pam, I also had only 3 weeks off from work!! ......... For me, it totally wasn't enough time! But, I had absolutely no choice either go back to work or loss my job that I've been at for well over 18 years. They only gave me 6 days bereavement! 3 days for each of my daughters! Can you imagine? How do you plan a Memorial, Funeral and grieve your loss in just a few days? How horrible? Two of your children die and you get 6 days off? Thank goodness, I had two weeks of vacation built up so I was able to use them to stay out the 3 weeks. Like you, I couldn't have afforded much time off anyway, due to the economy and financial obligations. But, it would have been nice not to have been pressured back so soon.

I envy those of you that have the ability to take as much time off as you need. Happy for you...but still envious....

[lolynbo]

Lorri: Understanding your irritation at others’ happy smiles produced by their lives going on in the normal way…graduations, weddings, etc. I feel such a pain in my heart when I see a young couple with a baby in a stroller…that is the last thing that Mike and Sarah did…out at the mall, with Damon in the stroller. Also, I was with them when they went for information on a new drug trial, after Mike developed the second tumor…watched them as they all three made their way through the hospital, seeking help…help that couldn’t help anymore…

SOOOO KNOW HOW THAT IS...HELP THAT NEVER COMES/CAME....IM NOT A NEGATIVE NELLIE....BUT I JUST DONT THINK THERE IS ANY HOPE/HELP FOR CANCER

[andy88]

Pam, I also had only 3 weeks off from work!! ......... For me, it totally wasn't enough time! But, I had absolutely no choice either go back to work or loss my job that I've been at for well over 18 years. They only gave me 6 days bereavement! 3 days for each of my daughters! Can you imagine? How do you plan a Memorial, Funeral and grieve your loss in just a few days? How horrible? Two of your children die and you get 6 days off? Thank goodness, I had two weeks of vacation built up so I was able to use them to stay out the 3 weeks. Like you, I couldn't have afforded much time off anyway, due to the economy and financial obligations. But, it would have been nice not to have been pressured back so soon.

I envy those of you that have the ability to take as much time off as you need. Happy for you...but still envious....

Six DAYS?? That is cold. I am appalled that you had to use your vacation time. There ought to be a law. My fear was that, although I've been there 25 years, they might not hold my job. In fairness, my boss did everything in her power to help me and continues to do so. I got 3 "free" weeks. Tho she did nix my working from home for a few extra weeks...I suppose she has fears about her own job. But seriously, there ought to be a law.

I hope each day brings you a little more peace. I believe there are still good things waiting for us in time. Can't imagine it right now, but I am hopeful I will someday. Sending you a big hug!

Pam/Andy's Mom

[hotrod]

Good Afternoon Indigos

Dear Betsy I am so sorry to hear about the continued loss of health with your SIL I know you are a great comfort to your brother and I did love your "Heart Tree" Rich and Your Moms are watching over you and I have you in my thoughts each day.

Dee Your friend will be in my prayers. Thanks for the lovely description of your walk ant the robins your encountered. I have many here in NY and as so surprised that wen I feed the breadcrumbs to the Sparrows the Robins munches away as well It may just be NYC Robin diet!!!

Lorrie, Carol, Diane When you mentioned about the sadness you feel as you encounter happy faces on people about I was mildly surprised to find that my rage and insane anger at anyone who was happy has lifted I no longer feel enraged with others happiness and though I feel a little sad that Stephen did not recover and experience that particular event I some how immediately begin to reflect on an good or funny memory of what he did do when here. That is a blessing. I never noticed the feeling leaving and there it is softer and gentler!!

Sherry I too remembered your dream of Little Lisa and it so touched my heart when Rhonda remembered

Diane, Rhonda, Karen I know I too felt being MOM was my most important JOB and Title Since Stephen was my only child I really have retired that title as well. I am glad that once it was mine. Many people have never experienced the exquisite joy of being just MOM .

Sus Guilt did haunt me as well . Thanks for touching so well on the subject. Somewhere along the way I deicded to Forgive God for not fixing everything as I wanted it, I forgave Stephen for making dangerous choices, his Girlfriend for joining him, His dad for dying and leaving me alone to they to raise him Now after I forgave all those folks I decided I had better Forgive myself for being human and making some bad choices myself. The choices were never malicious but I took the easier softer way when drawing a harder line probably should have been the action Once I forgave myself the guilt lifted YAY

Last thought for the day someone sent me this today ASAP means Always Say A Prayer

In my thougts Indigos

[ericasmom]

Lori, six days, three for each daughter? that is ugly. I know though, that we need to keep on keeping on when it comes to having a job or not. I wish you well as you find your time to grieve in between all the must-do stuff. What kind of work do you do?

Pam, what kind of work are you doing? I am sorry that you need to go back to work before you feel ready, but perhaps it will feel okay. Again, we have to keep our jobs in this terrible economy and job market. I am so happy that you have a great family that supports you in your grief, me too, sisters adn nieces and nephews as well as my husband. At first he did not know quite how to help me, and he tried to fix me, I had to let him know that fixing was not an option, but support is something we all do differently and so with some coaching and a few tense times, we were able to find our places in a home that housed so much grief.

Betty, the robins here will also eat berries and all sorts of things and that is why they no longer migrate as they used to, they have instead, learned to adapt. The sweet sounds of finch today too, yellow finch were in the river birch singing away.

I was so glad to read the ways you let go of guilt. Good lesson in there for us all and the great sense of how some anger left you but you hadn't noticed until recently. It is true for me as well, some of what was so troublesome leaves on cats feet. We find ourselves much more recognizable.

Enjoy the day,

dee

[dwsmithrn]

oh me oh my, sat in the doctors office a couple of hours this afternoon....she is always behine, but once she gets in there with you, she is for as long as you need her...why i keep going back to her...she's so worth the wait...never rushes you, never makes you feel like you are holding her up....she talked to me for a long while and we came up with a plan to help me sleep and hopefully get my appetite back somewhat....lost another couple of pounds...not so good...but, i am going to work on it....she feels badly for me, and hates to see me so sad...so do i, but i have nothing on that one. no response....i can sit and cry and not be ashamed with her...she's a good dr. new plan, then go back on monday to see how things are working as far as sleep and rest and weight. otherwise, the rest is just what it is....

i am so sorry for those of you who don't have understanding places of business. it is so hard to have to go back to work before you are ready. i am not ready yet, but i know i will have to work on it soon....maybe even try to work a few hours next week, then maybe start back the next week. i don't know how it will go, but i have to do what i have to do.....if i break down, i just do...no one can say a thing to me...i won't allow it....a friend told me "it's my grief and i am in charge of it...." i like that quote....

i hope all have a decent night, at least as decent as it gets....i am going to try the new combo Rx and see if i can at least sleep a full 4-5 hours tonight without waking....maybe then, i will be able to function tomorrow a little better than i do.....otherwise, back to no functioning at all...which i've come to accept as my life....

love to all....diane

[aim630]

Diane & Pam-I'm glad you found out you do not live far from each other. I think it is great that you will try to plan a future visit. We all help each other along this road, and you two are at about the same place.

Diane-I'm glad the doctor was able to come up with a plan for you. I hope it works. I never get more than a few hours sleep at a time. I would love to get a full night's sleep. The doctor prescribed Lunesta, which did not help at all. I tried Ambien, and did sleep for 8 hrs, but then felt like a walking zombie the rest of the day. I hope whatever RX you are trying works for you. I'm also glad you work for your husband and are able to ease back into a schedule when you are ready.

Rhonda-I'm sorry for your friend, but am glad she has you to turn to. I'm sure anything you say will be helpful. Just listening helps.

Katie did get a prom dress Saturday. It is magenta.It was pretty expensive, but she did not go last year, so I guess that makes up for it.

I am looking forward to a day off Friday. We are going to the Indians game, but the high is supposed to be 40 degrees, with a chance of rain or flurries. Yay...Guess we will just have to dress warmly.

I watched Mamma Mia last night, which was Ashley's movie. It made me sad watching it. I dreamed she was alive again, and we were trying to figure out how & what we were going to tell people! I just wish it was true!

Rough day at work, need to relax.

Goodnight to all,

Amy/Ashley's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Diane: I am so glad that you have a good doctor, who is willing to take the time with you to figure out what is best for you. And of course, your return to work situation is truly a blessing because of your situation and your husband's wonderful support. You mentioned trying to go back to work next week...I know that you work in your husband's practice, but mentioned there are also other people there. I just thought I would make a suggestion that worked out for my sister (she had a similar situation a number of years ago, only didn't work with her husband, but a moderate sized law firm. She was the secretary to the president, so everyone pretty much knew her.) When it was time for her to go back to work, she took a day the week before and went into work, just to "open the door" so to speak, and not have to deal with all of the tremendous emotion anticipated on her first day back. She had a friend she worked with, who "spread the word" that she would be there that day for a brief time, and while she was there, she was able to touch base with everyone who wanted to or felt they could speak with her. She said it took a lot of pressure off that first day of going in the door and facing everyone. Just a thought I figured I would put out there for all of you who have not gone back to work yet.

I had a freaking nightmare at my job...my boss didn't think that I "needed to be involved in my son's care because he was married." He had only been married for 5 months when he was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer (he was 29). They had a three month old baby at the time, and were still living with us, saving money for their own place. Twelve months later, when it came time for him to enter hospice, he and his wife asked if I would be his primary caregiver. By this time, they had moved into their own apartment (thanks to very generous donations from his workplace), but it was a second floor apartment, with no laundry facilities and he could no longer do stairs as he was losing his sense of balance. So, he moved back into our home and his wife came over a couple of nights a week and came on Friday and stayed til Sunday with the baby, of course. My boss was furious. And, while I did attend doctor's consultations with him, still I didn't even stay home with him til the last two weeks, when he became confined to bed. Friends, and other family took turns each day, staying with him---he couldn't be left alone up until he became confined to bed. She even tried to get headquarters to "clamp down on me" but when that happened, I got the "rulebook" and it said I was entitled to leave time (not paid) to take care of a seriously ill or terminal family member who was a grandparent, parent, spouse or child, and it didn't mention anything about if the child were married it couldn't qualify. So, she was pretty ugly about that, but it didn't stop me from staying home. Unfortunately, after Mike died, I did have to go back to work, but I called and said I would be out all the next week (Mike's service was on a Wednesday), and back on that Monday after. This was met with some consternation, that was ignored by me.

We all have different situations, and I just wish that there could be some type of laws passed to obligate employers to allow their employees more time for grieving, especially when they have lost a child. It is bad enough when a parent passes, (or other terrible loss) and there is much heartache in that, but a parent is supposed to pass before you...it's expected...though still painful and requires grieving of course. But our whole journey through life is altered when we lose a child...it is never the same again, and the time needed for grieving is different for everyone, but it is lengthy. When I first lost Mike and my boss (immediate supervisor) came to me at three months out and told me that he thought you I "would be further along than this by now," my therapist told me that he had news for my boss...grieving the loss of a child takes a very long time, and the "average" (if there is such a thing) before we get back to a routine in our lives, is generally three years. Three years of hard work, many, many tears, tons of heartache, lots of steps back after a few steps forward, etc. Take your time, Diane, do what your body and mind tell you, you know more than anyone what you need.

I've rambled...so sorry, but this subject hits many raw nerves with me, still, and I have been retired for over two years.

[mikesmomrs]

Amy: so glad you have Friday off and are going to go the game...cold, schmold...longjohns, scarf, mittens, warm socks...and they usually serve cocoa when it's cold...at least they do at Fenway...do they do it there? Our first game isn't til the following friday...a little further away, but more of a chance it won't be so cold!

Glad Katie got a dress...I love the color...maybe you could take a picture. So sorry you had a rough day at work...keep thinking about Friday.

I wish your dream were true, too, Amy...perhaps it was just Ashley telling you she was with you while you watched the movie.

Diane and Pam: I agree, that is so great that you found out you don't live far from each other. I hope you are able to schedule a visit very soon! It is such a comfort...six of us met two summers ago, in Minnesota, and we all felt like we had know each other forever...a truly wonderful time. Pam: I am appalled at the length of time you were allowed to grieve the loss of TWO children...I know that this economy makes us all a little shaky with our employment, but I just wish it could be different.

Rhonda: so very sorry to hear of your friend's loss of her son. I am glad that she has you to talk to, though wish neither of you had the reason. Sending prayers for her and her family.

Dee: Your friends, also, sending prayers and thoughts to them for strength as they go through this sad journey. I am glad you got to walk and so glad that you share your walks with us...it is as though we are there with you.

Betty: While I feel sad when I see young couples with their baby, I also try to bring a sweet memory to mind to wrap around my heart. It took a long while before I could do that, but I am blessed with being able to do that now, most times. It helps, of course, that Damon is so much older now, too. I am so glad that your exercises in forgiving have given you such peace in your heart. I too had to go through that, as I had many ill feelings towards the doctors for their negligence, etc., and while I still have the story of it in my brain, the piercing of my heart has softened when I think about it. The forgiving of myself for the mistakes I made as a mom, however, is still "cooking" in my brain...my brain tells me the common sense of it all---I did what I thought was best, etc., but my heart pulls at the letting go. I liked your ASAP...will keep it in mind as I go about my days.

have a good evening, everyone.

[Guest msnher]

Carol - Although I hate the fact you had such a compassionless boss I am proud that you took a stand. I love your ability to write and bring us right there with you.

I am so glad I had already retired by the time we got the kids and Stephanie died. My heart goes out to all of you who have to work. For some it was a life saver. It wouldn't have been for me. I could barely brush my teeth. I'd walk in the bathroom and couldn't remember what I was in there for. I can't imagine having to show up to work everyday.

Diane - I'm so glad your visit to the doctor left you feeling validated and in good hands.

Going to bed now...nite all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[charsng1234]

I am so angry, hurt , scared, I dont want to be without my son. I try to be there for my other kids but as the days go by my life gets worse! I have a headache everyday, I am just so tired I am going to see a new doctor next week I hope she can help me. My job said I can go part time don't know what to do I worked so hard for this position now I just do not careabout stuff anymore. I wish I could just go back and try to save my son. Ppl say life goes on I see it does for everyone else but me..Shanes mom.

[Guest msnher]

Rhonda - I'm sorry for your friend's loss. You are too kind to become a member of the "Oh no you didn't just say that" club. She is turning to the right woman. Bless you.

Dee - Prayers for your friend and her husband...and you...strength and energy on it's way as I type.

Amy - I can imagine it would be difficult to watch Mamma Mia if it were Ashley's movie. Stephanie was a fan of Lucille Ball and I still can't watch her reruns. Stephanie could watch her all day and she just belly laughed. Stephanie cried just like Lucy, too. Mouth wide open and "Ahhhhhh" coming out loudly. Makes me smile as my heart breaks. I suppose that might be what it was like for you?

Betty - ASAP - love it. I read something today about prayer working whether we believe in God or not because the prayer changes our hearts and puts good energy out there. I believe in God...but it was a good plug for prayer.

Now...nite...really...

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Goodnight Sus, hope sleep is deep and dreams are sweet. I too love Betty's ASAP.

Amy, I watched Moma Mia for the first time a few weeks ago with the family from downstate that came to visit. The little girl, not quite 3, loves that movie and acts out just about each scene as she watches. She holds a book adn jumps up and down when the girls are reading the diary...it was amazing to see one so young so ingrained. I can see why your Girl loved it, high energy movie filled with romantic ideas. I love your dream, that time with Ashley must have felt so amazing, and trying to figure out how to tell folks that she was back, heartbreaking to wake up I know, but lovely. I think that the message there is that she is with you all the time, never far away. Please dress warmly on friday, some insulated boots and tights and long underwear for starters. take a blanket to put under you as well. Have fun. Oh magenta for Katie, I love that color too. photos please.

Carol, how is Jamie today? I like the advice you gave Diane and the others, about going in to kind of get a feel for things before actually returning to work. Your boss was a son-of-a-______, I remember the anxiety she caused you. Hard to believe that folks can really distance themselves so much that they are mean to the human who is suffering. Beyond ugly.

I am tired adn going to bed, will read for a few moments before the heavy eyelids force the book down. I must again say though, that LITTLE BEE is a fantastically written book, and for me, even when I was in deep grief, I needed a book each night to fall asleep to, to wake in the night to and read so that my mindwent to another story rather than my own. I have always been this way, well since I became an adult and most times, the simple act of reading tires me greatly and allows me to fall to sleep again. Now in early grief, not so much, but still I read, and I wrote in my journal, and I wept, all the things that we do in those early times.

Diane, so glad that your doctor is a good one. my doctor is similar, she takes her time with you and really asks great questions.

Sharon, the world does not get put back together for others as you may be thinking. It takes loads of time Sweetie, and while I know the clock is ticking slowly through time, it isreally early on the road of grief to be feeling anything differently than you are. We fall apart Sweetie, adn we put ourselves back together very slowly because we need to examine all the pieces of our lives. Hold on Sharon, we are here.

[PaulsMom]

I lost my son Paul to suicide on February 22^nd. He had turned 27 on the 20^th. He could not handle the loss of his own son, my grandson, on the 19^th of January. His son was born November 27^th at 24 weeks and weighed 1 pound, 8.5 ounces.

I will make another post later about where I am emotionally. Making this post was very hard for me. It is the first time I have typed out his name and how he died.

[mikesmum]

Eryn - I am so sorry for the loss of both your son and grandson. My son Micheal took his own life in January 2007, and that took a long time for me to say 'out loud'. You have taken the first step by posting here. This is the place where you will find comfort, support, understanding and most of all a sense of belonging when all else in your world seems strange. Please when you do feel stronger and able talk about your boy and his life, this is a place to say his name out loud.

Betsy - I know Rich and Pat will be there. Have always been a believer in those who have gone before will wait to take the hand of those making the trip across..Thoughts with you and your brother at what was never going to be an easy time.

Diane - The guilt, the questions are all consuming. The where did I go wrong, what did I miss played 24/7 (still does some days). Truth be told we might not have done anything wrong, we just need a reason why, like one will give us peace.

I spent 8yrs holding my breath watching my youngest battle his addiction. I had come to an understanding that I would lose him to drugs. Ironically, he is now clean, living with his partner who stayed with him, their two children, has qualified as a plumber and mourns the loss of his big brother.

I am so glad you have a doc that gets it. That is something that is so important. She sounds like she has a plan to get you through these intial days/weeks/months. Stay with her, she sounds like good people.

Karen - The choices our kids are something we have no control over, yet we bare the brunt of the fallout. I know in my heart there was one thing that tore Mike up and that was the distance between his partner and his family. He wanted us to 'get to know her'. I couldn't see past how much she hurt him, he could only see someone that bought him some happiness albeit short lived.

Dee - Blackend Alligator??? Chicken soup please. I guess you need to be open to all sorts of foods, but really, no don't think so.

I read the 'return to work' stories and I think there should be a 'take as much time as you need' legislation.

I returned after 4 weeks. As I entered the building it was as if I had the plague. Everyone seemed to cross the room as I approached. One said it was 'shitty what happened' and did I want to be treated any differently. I said no. In my first hour back while I was on the radio system for the ambulance service I was presented with the paperwork for my 'leave'. They had granted me condolence leave for the first 4 days, then compassionate leave for 2 more, then sick leave. I had 4 forms to fill out, one being for my annual leave which they docked cause the rest didn't cover it. There was a request for the funeral notice to be attached to confirm it was 'my sons funeral' I attended. I left 2hrs before the end of my 12hr shift that day. Next day, more forms leave without pay unless I had a doctors certificate. I made it to 9hrs that day. It was a Sunday. By the time I made it home I was a blubbering incoherant mess. I did try to return, but the attitude was much the same. Trained to do the job, do the job or leave. My doc put me out as 'injured in the line of duty'. The company said no, just a grieving mum. The phrase suck it up princess comes to mind.

This journey suxs so much at so many levels. I liked who I was, where I was in my life. I felt that the 'downhill run' was going to be smooth... Not to be. While Mike had his problems, health and otherwise, he was here and we could always talk.

As Steven said after sitting for 20mins with Mike at his service. It was the one time where he got to talk to Mike without them fighting......

[mysonrich]

Danny.....Danny.....Danny, saying your name outloud.

[hotrod]

DANNY, DANNY, DANNY smile down on Mom today

and touch her heart

in your very special way

[ModKonnie]

I lost my son Paul to suicide on February 22^nd. He had turned 27 on the 20^th. He could not handle the loss of his own son, my grandson, on the 19^th of January. His son was born November 27^th at 24 weeks and weighed 1 pound, 8.5 ounces.

I will make another post later about where I am emotionally. Making this post was very hard for me. It is the first time I have typed out his name and how he died.

Paul's mom,

I am very sorry about the loss of your son Paul and your grandson. You have come to a place where there are others who have experienced similar losses. They will be here for you.

ModKonnie

[hotrod]

Hello Paul's Mom

I am so very glad that you found this very safe, compassionate place. Thanks for introducing yourself and saying Paul's name out loud. I found it so very powerful to come here and post, mention a little story about my son Stephen and to see his picture as I posted.

When you are able please come back tell us about Paul, his joys, interests, his laugh and voice.

My name is Betty, and I lost my only child Stephen nearly 4 years ago . Coming here nearly daily helped save my sanity and life. I found that setting up a small album in the Gallery enabled me to really feel apart of this loving group.

Welcome to our Indigo Family

[ericasmom]

Paul's Mom, I am sorry for your way here but glad that you found us as this place is a comfort and a 'home' to many. This places houses our sadness, allows it, asks for details and listens again and again as the teller needs. We are all here under the saddest of reasons. My Girl Erica was killed in July of 2003 when her car was struck by an Amtrak going through Kalamazoo Michigan at a broken (11 months) crossing. She died 6 days later giving everyone time to come say goodbye. She was 19. You have come so early on like th emost recent members and so you will find along with them a sense of community. I know how hard it is to have said Paul's name here and the way that he died, but what strength you have to have done so.

As one of the 'OLDIES' here, I will promise you what I have been promising for some time now; grief is a process, only way to the other side of it is to go through it, not able to outsmart it, go around it, it is smack dab in the middle of life, and one must walk right through the very difficult waves. We are here to hold your hands and heart. You will one day, feel the weight of grief lighten, but that is not going to happen soon. You will hear some crass remarks and you will be stumped at times at the insensitivity of others, sometimes even those in your own family, so be aware that it is okay to tell folks that your grief is your own and that they may not make any rules about it nor restrictions.

Here is where I lecture: drink plenty of water and juice, we do dehydrate when we cry day in and day out, eat small portions of food if possible, to keep your energy up as grief really zaps the energy and the immune system tends to get very depleted. Get outside when possible, even a 5 minute blast of fresh air can help in ways that only nature can. If you cannot sleep, try to write in a journal and read, and come here to post. We never feel that long posts are rambling, they are our way of crying with words. If you are so inclined, find a local therapist that has worked with grief before as this can be another venu for your aching heart. Be kind to yourself which may sound trite but it is for real. We beat ourselves up in this loss, try to remember that your Sweet Son would not want that for you.

Trudi, your work stories too have my blood boiling. Not long after my going to work, I asked about what amount of days I would have had had I not lost ERi in th esummer on my summer break. I would have had 4 grief days. Amazing, a teacher, in charge of small children should only take 4 grief days. How effective would I have been then? Not one bit. I agre, some laws need to be in place for those of us who lose our children to have a much more heartfelt amount of time off of work.

[ericasmom]

DANNY-DANNY-DANNY

May all the beauty in the world be in your heart, bless your family with a breeze and a bird song today.

[dwsmithrn]

eryn....paul's mom.....i am so with you....my son, nathan, shot himself in the mouth while sitting on the beach, his most favorite place in the workd to be, on jan 21, 2011., just 2 days after his 32nd birthday....he was a mere 32, with a wonderful life as an occupational therapist....loads of patients who told stories of how much they loved him, how much he helped them, loved to see his smiling face and hear his funny stories all the while helping them to get better....he hid his depression SO well, not even his famiily, his friends, his patients, or ME, his MOTHER, could see through his smiles that he was lonely and sad and hurting....i talked to him on his b'day, wed, 1/19/11, and he was happy and excited about future plans....then all of a sudden, on friday, he was gone, just like that....

my pain and sadness and heartache is so great, i am unable to function on most days. sometimes i don't even get out of my bed. some days i forget to eat. i don't sleep and the tears won't stop. it is grief, losing a child, is horrific. no one will ever understand or know your heart like we will, here at BI...you can come here, tell us whatever you want to, or don't want to....we do not judge, we only care about how you are feeling and will hold you up when you are feeling down, and just sit and hear you cry when you need to do that. yes, a few choice words will slip out of our mouths, because we are mad....we are angry out children have left us...and mad at others for letting our children leave us....but, we are all here, to together, no matter what is said....we care...we are so sorry for your loss, indeed.

come and let us hold your hand...come share your thoughts and fears and sadness with us. come share your boy with us. we always hope our angels are together and looking down on us, knowing we found each other here....

take care of yourself, as difficult as it is.....diane

[charsng1234]

danny let your family feel your precence today!!!

[dwsmithrn]

slept a little better last night...so, maybe this combo might work...it is only a temporary fix for sleep anyway, but guess i will give a chance to work and hopefully, make the nights somewhat better...i think i managed a full 5 hours for the first time in 9 1/2 weeks. that can only help. now, as far as feeling hungry? well?....not quite there, but i will try here shortly....

i have my baby's 11-month photo sitting in front of me...he is a precious fat baby sitting in front of the christmas tree, smiling, as usual....so cute and chubby.....i pick it up and hold him close to me, just as if i were holding him...it is a big photo....i just want to feel my baby and pretend he is there again...baby stage, and i can hold him close...talk to him and say 'i love you'.....if anyone else saw me doing this they would deem me crazy and ship me off, but i know you, you of all people understand the need to do this. i just want to hold him one last time...hold my baby....that's asking too much now!!!!

if they are in such a good and happy and healthy place now, then WHY does it hurt so much?..why is my heart breaking so much? why is my body falling apart? i can't understand if there is a good and caring so-called god, then why does he put us through this? what good do prayers do NOW? they can't stop this pain....this heartache, this grief....so why? why bother, now.....prayer did not help my baby when he was hurting and sad, so what is the point now? i am at a loss....i am yelling, loud and clear from my bed this morning....no answers...as usual....i am pain and i don't want to deal with life today.....

sorry....diane

[Guest msnher]

"Suck it up Princess." SUCK IT UP PRINCESS!!?? WTF!? God forgive the stupid people for they know not that they're stupid. What about the mean ones? Oh Trudi I want to seriously kick some butt. The memory of your son's face, smiling just inches from mine, and telling me not to feed the anger still lingers in my soul. I'm sure he'd make an exception with this one. Maybe not. But, I don't have the same "connections" he has. Okay, so maybe I do, but not as pure. Damn! I'm having an argument in my head with your son and he's not even here...just little whispers in my head.

Paul's mom - I am SO sorry for the loss of your son and your grandson. You've come to the right place to talk about Paul and about this new horrid journey you've been thrown on.

Carol - I dreamed of Mike last night. He kept walking through my dreams. He'd just "show up" in each dream and walk on through, smiling brightly. Weird, I know. In each dream he was wearing a blue jersey with writing on it. It might be one I've seen in a picture. He stood very tall so his presence dominated the dream even though he didn't stay long in any of them. He smiled with his whole being...twinkled..glowed. His weight was perfect for his height. Not overweight, not underweight. Just very tall. No words were spoken. He had a beard and a mustache and a thick head of hair. Seems like I'm supposed to tell you that. I don't know what it means.

I'm going to my kid's grandma's funeral today. Not looking forward to it. Going for my son. His sisters, my daughters, didn't make it down for it.

Dan - Happy birthday!

Also, sending prayers for Danny's family.........

DANNY - DANNY - DANNY - DANNY.....never forgotten

[shorty16]

Indigos

I guess I may be one of the lucky ones. Even though I wish I could have quit my job and stayed home, I knew I could not.

5 weeks after Brian's death, I went back to work 32 hours a week. I work at a large company (550 people) and they were all wonderful to me. They could tell I could not even pronounce my name let alone perform my auditing function, but they worked with me until I got it together.

I am sorry, Trudi you had bad experiences - The words "suck it up princess" were never part of my jobs vocabulary.

I understand that I am one of the few people on the site that wants to encourage others to return to work - even if it is part time. This forces you to think about something else other than our childs death (that horrible movie that is on a repeating cycle in our heads). I also do not think you can ever really be ready to return to work. This loss has knocked us out of our regular orbit and we have to determine our new way. One way to accomplish that is by getting out there.

This is just my opinion and what I have lived through and what seems to be somewhat working for me. There is no One answer to any of this.

Thanks for listening.

Colleen