Loss of an Adult Child

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - I agree.

Crystal - As unhealthy as smoking is, my doctor told me not to try to quit when Stephanie died. Hang on, Crystal, hang on.

[ericasmom]

JOHNNY Sweet Boy,

hug your Mama close and your whole family, letting them know that you are with them in love and light.

Kaye, I miss our talks and wonder about you often, keep you in my prayers and wishing you peace.

[westleysmom]

Johnny-Remembering you on this day and sending wishes for peace in their hearts to your whole family.

Such a lot of posts and no time to reply to everyone, just sending those same wishes for a restful day to all. I have a new friend here in town who works with my daughter that lost her older son earlier this winter. I have told her about the board and maybe she will join us, and maybe not. I told her that I had found friends that know and don't mind listening, wonderful, kind people that I have been blessed with knowing. That is all of you dear ones, the new still finding their way to breathe, and the longer here that show us the way. I can't tell you all enough what it means to have you in my new life that I didn't see coming and would have run from if I had. But we are here together, and that is a comfort.

[Guest msnher]

8.9 earthquake...tsunami...threat of nuclear explosion........prayers for the people in Japan.

[dwsmithrn]

really bad day yesterday and long night of crying and missing nathan.....

when does it ever really stop hurting so much....i feel so helpless and lonely....

i wonder what is happening on the outside world. everone else just goes about their lives and here i am, just in my bed not living...it is so lonesome and yet i want to be alone.

i am thankful my husband is so understanding. he calls from work and checks on me frequently. my mother waits for me to call her. my one sister calls me often, but not too much as to bother me. the other sister, well, she doesn't know how to handle my grief.

it is strange how some people just stay away from you....my best friend is a life saver in alot of ways....but i don't even know how to handle myself, so how can i expect others to handle me....it is all so strange and unsettling. i hate this, i am mad at god, i am mad at nathan, but i love him so and i miss him so much. so many emotions wrapped up in a ball of fire. i do feel like my life is shattered and will never be the same again...how could he have done this to me?

thanks to all of you for wupporting me and my grief, as i know you all have been and/or here. i really appreciate you letting me share my emotions with you....it hurts and i have to let them out somehow somewhere and i do feel comfortable letting them out here...with you.....

i feel close to you all....thank you....diane

[ericasmom]

Diane, I know it is weird that life keeps on happening, folks still go to the grocery, watch thier favorite shows, plan vacations when our world stopped one day out of the blue. I remember when my neighbors child died at home from cancer, Alice was all of 4 years old. they called me at 5:00AM on a Saturday to say Ali died, to come sit with them if I would...I ran down the block and sat with them and alice for a few hours, sharing our grief, sharing Alice's final peace, and then I heard some other neighbors getting ready for their shopping trip and talking and yelling as the car pulled away, and I wondered then, how the hell can normal life be happening outside of this place, ALICE died damnit, the world just stopped...but it doesn't stop for others, and eventually, the movement you will feel will be your own re-entering of this new world.

Rhonda, the same feelings I have of this place too, and one reason is you.

[Cdawn75]

i had the same feelings for a long while after my Clinton passed, i just couldnt believe that people still did what they did the day before this happened. I couldnt funtion...my life stopped...i felt anger towards people. I couldnt leave the house, not even to go get a gallon of Milk for the other kids, not just because i couldnt find it in myself to physcially go because i was fearful in the fact that i'd see so many people in the small town i lived in that i knew and wonder how the hell can u be here chatting and laughing and talking about so many things that didnt matter or i feared the people who would come up to me and say "i'm so sorry" cuz at that point i just wanted to scream at people "YOUR SORRY??? WHY ARE YOU SORRY IT WASNT YOUR CHILD" Or the people who would look at you and turn around and act like they didnt see you because they didnt know how to act or what to say. Also i was angry at my Clintons friends, i'd see them walking down the street with their skateboards heading to the skatepark where they and my son loved to be 24.7 and wonder are you serious your friend just died how can you go have fun and live life?? i hated it....i hated to feel that way about so many people that cared and loved my son. it was weird i was even disappointed in my ex husband for the lack of grieve he showed in my opinion at the time. I didnt feel he grieved enough or at all like a father should have, he wasnt sick, he wasnt crying all the time, he got out of bed, he went to work, he lived his life just like before....i've since discovered and learned that he grieved in his own way, just as everyone else does.

[Guest msnher]

Dee - you explain it so well for Diane. How are your neighbors who lost their four year old? Although I am not happy about any of us losing our children, I can explain most of them away. Stephanie was going too fast on a machine she didn't know how to handle. Brian climbed on the hood of a car. Ashlee's boyfriend shot her. Eri was hit by a train because the cross light was broken...etc. All tragic, of course........but, how does a child die of cancer? Aids? Hunger? It is bad enough when an adult dies of these horrible diseases, but how does a child? It is at those times I have to put it in the same place I store my anger for the Westboro Baptist church...the place where there are no answers...where no explanation will make sense. The place I plan to expose when I meet my Creator face to face and can ask, in person...why?

[Cdawn75]

I actually was just reading a post that brought a question to my head that i have had a hard time dealing with since the loss of my Clinton. And the very first time this situation came about was just a few months from Clintons passing. My husbands step sister was planning a birthday party for her boyfriend, so i went got him a gift and a card. When i was writing in the card, i also wrote out everyones names instead of saying from "the chance family" so as i am here writing Christy, Brandon, Andi, Jenna , emily, Ethan....i stopped and lost it and cried and cried and cried....my ex husband asked me why are you crying? i said Mad at him because he had to ask such a dumb question....WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHY AM I CRYING?? I'M CRYING BECAUSE I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO I'M MAKING THIS CARD FOR BILL AND I DONT KNOW IF I SHOULD WRITE CLINTONS NAME OR NOT WRITE IT. He told me to just do whatever i feel i need to. And walked away. So i left his name out..... i didnt know what to do, i was lost , confused and didnt want there to be a awkward minute for anyone when he was reading his cards allowed. I felt if i had added clintons name that when he read it, everyone would pause and wonder about clinton or wonder why i added his name for he was gone. So when it came time for the presents and the cards, bill read my card out loud , it brought tears to my eyes because there was a name missing from the list. So i excused myself and went outside. About 10 mins later Brandons step sister and her boyfriend came outside with my exhusband and told me" christy, Clinton will always be a part of you, your family and everyone else that loved him. So dont feel that you have to leave his name out of anything. Add him, he is yours regardless. I felt i had ruined the party. But it went on and we had an okay rest of the day. But i still find myself wondering how i am suppose to answer the question "how many kids do you have" i've sometimes said 5 and say but actually one of them has passed and then people look at you awkward. Or i just keep it simple and say 4, but then i feel a emptiness even more so inside me because i cheated clinton and or my self out of his memory, his exsistance in life. it confuses me. I also have a very special necklace...my best friends from childhood had it made for me. During his visatation the girls had talked to the guys from the funeral home and they had ordered me a "thumbie" ....they presented this necklace to me at a benefit dance in honor of my Clinton. Its a Necklace made of 14kt gold and its round and its Clintons thumb print...the back of it has his name and his dates. So when people ask oh thats a neat necklace what is it....i've told a few people and have got very different responces , and when its a awkward sorry i asked or omg look on their faces ....i feel awkward and think god i should have said something else......i never know how or what to respond and do in these situations.

[aim630]

Christy-I have a necklace with Ashley's thumbprint & also a heart charm filled with some of her ashes. When I wear the necklace, I always hide it under my shirt because I am so afraid someone will ask me what it is or where I got it.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Cdawn75]

Amy, Yeah i tend to always wear mine as well inside my shirt of course when i'm wearing something of a v cut shirt then its always noticable, My sons benefit dance was held on sept 12th, 09 and i have only taken it off once since then and that one time was to put around my mothers neck during the last few hours of her passing, then directly back on my neck wear its stayed since then.....i for some reason cant take it off , i wear no other necklaces anymore even when i have to get dressed up to go somewhere , i cant take it off i feel as if i do that i am somehow betraying or letting go of a piece from Clintons self. Maybe i'm just plain crazy in my thinkings

[dwsmithrn]

CHRISTY...

i have found an answer that i like to use....first of all, when someone asks...how many OTHER children do you have, i think that is deplorable...as if, you would line your children up and pick and choose which child you want to lose today. and i do point that out to the person who asks such a dumb question.

second, the answer i give when someone asks me how many children i have is...i have 4, one lives in heaven, the other 3 live here on earth.

i am so tired of the stupid, stupid people....i am even getting tired of my grown children not understanding....my only daughter, with a 4 year-old daughter and a baby on the way, said something to me on the phone today that really hurt my feelings, and my son, whom i just spent a week with, just wanted to 'fix' me and he is disappointed that it didn't happen....i am now hurt on top of being sad....i don't know how to make them understand. guess it will never happen....my son in florida, rearly calls anymore...guess he is just too busy with his own life to bother.

i am so weary, so beaten down, so ill, so tired, i don't even feel like getting up and moving anymore. i'm done.

dee, thanks for your supportive words.

thanks everyone with support and love and hugs.....it helps....i feel i have no one and no one else in this world cares....it hurts and yours helps....diane

[mikesmum]

I am so tired of the stupid, stupid people....i am even getting tired of my grown children not understanding....my only daughter, with a 4 year-old daughter and a baby on the way, said something to me on the phone today that really hurt my feelings, and my son, whom i just spent a week with, just wanted to 'fix' me and he is disappointed that it didn't happen....

Hi Indigo's.

I have been reading and 'reliving' those early painful days of being without Mike. I can still identify with being tired of 'stupid people'.

Diane - Here is the place for the support and understanding. Its our 'universe' here. No explanations needed, everyone here gets it. We all know that there is not a 'quick fix' to this journey. There is nothing that will lessen the ache, bring us back to who we were, we are changed forever.

As for your grown kids..well mine are in their 30's. After 18 months I stuck my head out of my abyss to see Steven and Melissa. They had had a mum who fought dragons, healed all wounds and seemed to have an endless supply of love understanding and energy. They were left with a woman who could barely breath, who didn't get out of bed, who couldn't stop crying and who for all intense purposes died with their older brother.

Steven and Melissa wanted to fix me. They thought if they hugged me, loved me, let me know they were still here it would be enough. We all underestimate the depth of the loss. It didn't hurt me, it made me sad that I had missed seeing them for those months.

The 'days' of the abyss are less frequent now. However they still come from nowhere and take me. My kids 'get it'. They would love to have the old me back, they would love to have their brother back.

Melissa wears a T-Shirt with the saying "who I am is not who I was" or words to that affect. It's so true.

Colleen - I have never smoked, but watching my kids 'trying to give it up' I get it. the only thing I can offer, keep trying. Its a bit like losing weight, don't give up completely if you mess up. Try try again. Good Luck.

Carol - So glad it was the keyboard and not the drugs (lol). Hope you manage the AF with the meds. Rest well my friend.

Dee - Another one to watch over. Rest, fluids, herbal remedies and remember be kind to yourself.

When someone asks I have 3 kids, 6 grandies. No further explanantions. MIke and Harmony aren't in my life right now, but they are part of the 'tapestry' of my story.

I remember chosing cards, crying as I read 'my son' cards. Writing Micheal's name on cards in the early days was something I did without thinking.

Its Sunday here, the reports from Japan are horrific. The Pacific plates are in our hemisphere, thankfully Australia has missed the worst of the NZ and Japan earthquakes and tsunami. We are inundated with rains, floods after the cyclones in the north.

Prayers for these people - sending them strength.

Trudi

[Cdawn75]

Diane,

I completely know what you mean. I used to feel as if everyone wanted to "fix" me. It's not a matter of being fixed people have to understand. Its a matter of coping and dealing with so much pain and heartache, that unless one has been through this hard and very emotional and difficult and life altering change in dealing with the loss of a child then they just cant understand the true hurt and loss of life we feel. My ex husband and ex very best friend they didnt let me breath, didnt let me cope, didnt let me cry....when i'd have a hard day dealing and i'd let loose of my feeling and emotions and start crying they'd start shoving anti anxiety meds in my mouth to calm me, thats not what i needed , i needed understanding, compassion, someone who wanted to help me deal and cope....i now have that but not with lack of other hard choices i had to make to try to breath again. i honestly think Diane that some people in our lives care and love us so much that they have a desire to want to "fix" us. to make us better, just as we do as mothers when our children fall off their bikes and need a kiss to make them feel better. I dont think that your son that rarely calls is because he dosnt care or want to be bothered by your grief, rather doesnt know how to help you and probably doesnt want to cry or show his grief to you and give you more to worry about......i dont know that when someone says something to us we always take it the right way, or if it was ment to come out the way it came out, did you ask your daughter or tell her that comment upset you? Maybe she could have enlightened a little more on what she ment or didnt mean. My perosnal experiances with comments from people have varied , from sweet and hopeful to bitter and just nasty comments....My own grandmother at one point told me " its time to get over it and move on" when i confronted her on this she expressed it wasnt out of meanness but out of the fact one of her own children lost a child to cancer when she was just 13 yrs old and she seen the devastation and toll and many years it took her own son to come around and function again and she didnt want to see her grandchild struggle for so long. So some people make comments and dont realise how it came out and how someone else takes ....just something to keep in mind ....Lots of hugs to you!

[lolynbo]

WERE LIKE HUMPTY DUMPTY...WE ARE BROKEN YOU CAN NOT PUT US BACK TOGETHER AGAIN...THERES NOT ENOUGH GLUE OR WORDS..OR EVEN TIME

but, how does a child die of cancer?

I WISH I KNEW WHY..MY SWEET GIRL NEVER HURT ANYONE..

[ericasmom]

Hi Christy. When folks ask me how many children I have, I always say 2- but one died when she was 19. If they want to ask about how and why, I answer, but if they act like i ruined their day, I move along and figure that that is their issue not mine. I sound heartless, I am not, but I know that Eri will always be my Daughter and I will always have two children. Our world does not teach about how to deal with grief, and yet as we see here, and we are just one grief website, there are many of us whose lives have been forever altered by the death of a child. I work to teach my third grade students about grief, what it is, how to help someone they might know who goes through it...I have several children's books about loss, all of them dusty on most library shelves...we must teach children that life is a circle, and most humans get to have a really big circle, 70 years big or bigger, but some don't, and when folks die younger than we expect, we are in deeper pain because we feel cheated and feel that they may have been cheated. But as I have posted before adn as I tell my students, no matter how many days to their circle, it was a complete and whole life, and for that we celebrate. At the beginning of grief, early on, someone asked me how many kids I had, I was with my friend Kay and she looked at me sort of nervously, (knowing how I cry anyway) and I just said, I have one living child, and one that passed away. Tears sprang to both my eyes and Kay's and then of course, to the woman who asked. I think what we do when we answer honestly is we provide the education that most adults never had in learning what to say to, and how to think about lives that have been changed. Eri's friends kept coming over after ERi died, trying to come to reality of her being gone, they would come here and sit on the deck, spread their photos out and tell stories from them. It felt that they were checking in on me and also making sure that they were including ERi i the rest of the summer before they went back to their colleges all over the usa. I know that in the first two years, I would get really blue after being with them, really happy at first, and then really blue, but for the most part, I do so love to see them, watch how they have changed, hold their babies, attend their weddings or graduation parties, share with them because I will always know them as the little girls that made my daughter's life so rich with friendship. I think that once out of the very bleakest years of grief, one really comes to understand the full meaning of bittersweet.

Sus, when Alice got sick, she was all of 18 months old. Alice had come to my house every day of her little life, so I knew her very well. Alice was born when Erica was 2.5 and Catie, Ali's big sis, was ten months older than ERi. MOm, Sarah, and Dad, Rob, were great people whose families lived in Ithica, so we became family-like. I did home daycare back then adn so all the mom friends I had came to my house each day at the bewitching hours for toddlers, around 4:00 PM and together with the six I watched, we had zillions of kids adn loads of fun. So Alice, the red haired bow-shaped mouth beauty was over each day. SHe loved Jonathan, called him YON. Two or so weeks before Alice showed signs of illness, I woke with insomnia (which I have had issues with for many years) and turned on the tv and it was a ST,.Jude telethon thingy, so I watched the stories unfold of so many beautiful children, sick with cancers and all sorts of issues that no child should ever have to endure. I wept, from 3:00 am on and then I did this again a few days later, drawn to the sadness like a magnet.

One day when Alice was on my lap, I said, "why is Ali's hand clasping and unclasping?" I noticed too that there were purple-ish circles around her eyes adn that she did not have her usual energy. Sarah said she noticed that too, but the doctor felt it was allergies. About a week later Alice started throwing up each morning. She came to see me each day for snack time but ate little. She did not run to see Jon, she laid in my lap, clammy. I said, Sarah, I am worried about Alice, she seems sick to me, the circles are darker, she is like a little wet dishrag. sarah somewhere inside her knew, but she clung to the doc's explanation. I knew too, I knew that that is why I watched those shows during my insomnia, that the little love on my lap looked like those children, pale and gaunt, dark circles-CANCER. WIth her hand involuntarily clasping I thought oh no, brain? And one day, July 5th in fact, Sarah came down and many women were in my yard with the many kids and I was holding Alice. She said, no sun dee. So I took her in the house where she had a convulsion in my arms, Sarah and Rob rushed to the hospital where poor Alice was so dehydrated and because of how she looked, cat scans were done. It was the beginning of the end for Sweet little Al. My all-time friend. Ilearned way more than I ever wanted about Chidhood diseases and deaths, having many trips to visit Alice in the two more years of her little life. How brave she was, and how beautiful, with all the grace of ten thousand women contained in her little body. I felt she had an old soul, remember telling Sarah this when Alice was born adn I held her the first time, something very mystical about her presence.

The night before she died, we knew it would be any day, Jon and Eri adn I went down to spend some time with the family and with Alice. Alice acknowledged us by a tiny smile and her had waved in a slow next to her body way, we sat near her adn told her how much we loved her, told her we would play hide and seek with her when she felt up to it again, tiny smile. She died later on in the early hours of the next morning. Jonathan was 7, Eri was 5. I was 32 way back then.

I remember one night about 4 months after Alice died hearing the sound of a lone or hurt coyote or wolf. It was Sarah, crying in Alice's bedroom. The family stayed in the house and lived a quiet life. Caty had bouts of anorexia but had help and lives a strong and productive life. Sarah always taught college and has recently retired. Rob died 4 years ago, one of 9 contemporaries that have died since I lost Erica.

[dwsmithrn]

christy, i suppose i should say something to the kids when they hurt my feelings, but you have to know, i try to keep the peace, so to speak, rather than make more turmoil than need be. it would just hurt more to make someone mad at me, when i am already mad at the world for what nathan (and god) did to me. i think you are right, that sometimes what they say is just me being more sensitive than what they mean....what comes out as an insult or directed at me, is really not...just the way i take things these days.

maybe my oldest son does not call as often because he doesn't want to hear me upset and/or me to hear him upset. as far as the other son, i know he is just plain frustrated...his wife, on the other hand calls all the time...she is a sweetheart....my oldest son's wife, well, we never have been that close. it's too bad, but it's a fact. my daughter, i thought we were rather close and she lives here, so i am really surprised in her. they are all more concerned about my physical health than my emotional health and that i can't help right now, either. i am fortunate that my best friend is just that. a friend that i can talk to...she and i can talk about nathan, both good and bad...she lets me cry, vent, talk and she brings us food, runs errands for me and just shows up to check in on me...for a minute or for an hour, whatever i need or don't need. she has been wonderful....i have no problem telling her what in on my mind at any given moment. but, she has known nathan for 18 years...our children grew up together and they were at each others houses for years. i am good with it....i was at my sister's house 2 1/2 hours away when i got the news...her husband drove my husband there to pick me up that very night...how many people would do that...spend a friday night driving 5 hours just driving...and then she and her daughter were here waiting on us and helped me pack for the w/e to go to the beach...and brought us food for the week when we got home...and then more food later on...she has been here for us all this 7 weeks...and still here...has not left me for one day.

i seem to be rambling on, don't i?

trudi, you are right.....i do have to consider the other 3 children, but i think as well-meaning as they may be, they are not respecting my grief. i know they just don't understand, but nathan is my son, too. they all have children of their own, surely, they would know how much it would hurt to lose one of their children. they aren't giving me enough time to work through this long, painful, so-called journey. they think i'm supposed to just 'get over it' or just 'move on' and be 'normal' again. i can't be any of those things yet. i am so confused in their way of thinking...

my brother said that the books i bought should be 'required reading' for everyone in the family.....couldn't agree more....they are perfect. they tell others what to say and what NOT to say or do for the one grieving. my brother has been wonderful. you just kind of want people you love to love you and request nothing of you.

thanks everyone.....diane

[ericasmom]

Yes, some folks want to fix us, some avoid us because they simply can't fix us or because we are made so different by our grief that we are no longer able to communicate with them. Some folks call us and we don't want to hang with them, some don't call and we feel left behind. We are not easy to be around for those that know us so well and are unable to flow with our moods and shattered hearts. There is nothing easy, NOTHING, in the first year of things. Nothing makes much sense nor matters as much anyway when you are so sad.

Oh yes, the reason I started on my long winded talk here was to say, I sign cards, Dee and John (husband) Jon, and I ususally draw a head with a halo and two wings sticking up.

[dwsmithrn]

dee....i like that....the halo with wings...i will remember that always.....we do have angels, don't we?

diane

[ericasmom]

Indeed we do Diane, angels always.

Trud, I was busy writing a page here and did not see your post. Hi Kid, so glad you were spared the tsunami, when I did not hear your answer about my question, I looked online to see that you guys were not as deeply affected. Your neighbors to the north though have flooding still or anew after the wave?

[Cdawn75]

that is a great idea with the halo and the wings over the name .....i'll use that from now on.....i guess i worry so much about how others will think or feel when i answer a question of such with i have 5 kids one passed away tho, i feel sad and awkward to say such a thing to someone ...its just not a normal thing to expect in a response when u asked that question to someone....i can understand how uneasy the other person would feel. I have this huge issue with caring more about how others feel....i dont know why its just the way i am. nothing makes sense anymore...there is no right or wrong i guess .....

Diane, oh my Clintons friends still came around and still do text me, call me, email me....my son's room was a place i allowed them to go the day he passed....you see on movies where a childs room was never changed , left the same way as the child left it, unentered......my sons room was a home away from home for many kids for alot of years. And when his friends started coming over the day Clinton passed, I hugged them, cried with them and when so many showed up i said if you kids want to go "hang out" in clintons room where u can sit, talk, share stories, cry and remember the times youve had here please do...i love having them around....of course i no longer live in the house since i divorced my husband , but we still have a close relationship my ex and myself so i still go there even when he is at work....feb16th was clintons birthday ....met alot of clintons friends at the cemetary and we released ballons and then went to the house and had cake and "oj" ( clinton hated when people said orange juice it was oj) anyways the first place the kids headed ....for the upstairs where they spent so many days and nights with clinton...its nice to know he was so loved and still has not been forgotton......i dunno i was hurt angry and fustrated every day in the beginning i guess i expected everyone who loved and knew clinton to not be able to function and when i seene they could ...i was just hurt by that.......

[dwsmithrn]

christy,

i have not gone back to work yet, because what i am faced with is all of nathan's friends are married and have kids and they come to our office (pediatrics) and they still say things to my husband, and i am not ready to be bombarded with all the comments yet. jim says, not a day goes by that someone does not say something. he says he has to go in his office and regain his composure before going into the next exam room. and jim is his step dad, so he can imagine how i would feel. i only work partime (RN), but he has changed my schedule when i do go back to only 1 1/2 days so maybe i can handle that when i am ready. i have no idea when that will be....it's not that i mind seeing his old classmates and his friends, it's just that i am not emotionally ready to handle the comments yet. i burst into tears at the slightest things right now. even when jim comes home from work and just tells me that 'so-in-so' asked abaout me or said 'sorry for your loss', i start crying and it wasn't even said to me. that is one reason i can't leave home and go to the grocery store, or the bank, or wal-mart, or anywhere....i can't face people in general. i have terrible anxiety.

i used to be a super strong, nothing-ever-bothers-me, type-A personality, and that might be why it bothers my children so much....they have seen a complete turn around and they have never seen their mother like this before. i am sure it is a complete shock to them. i am a complete mess and for a-used-to-be totally independent woman, i am now totally dependent...wow, that is a BIG turn-around. seeing it in writing, wow.....

do you know what is so sad? i don't remember his service....i don't remeber the words that were spoken....i don't remember who was there....i know there were sooo many people there....so many of his friends, classmates, college friends, OT collegues, even his patients were there, but i don't remember so many things....that makes me sad.

i fear my future, i really do......

diane

[daveydow1]

JOHNNY-----JOHNNY------JOHNNY........SMILE DOWN ON THOSE YOU LOVE AND WARM THEIR HEARTS & SOULS.

Kay---If you're on BI today......We're thinking about you, and miss you, friend.

Betty-----Thanks for your nice kind words. It becomes a nightly thing to do----saying goodnight to our dear

beloved children, doesn't it ? Keeps them close to us.

Betsy----Sorry about your sister-in-law, and all she's enduring with the treatments. Sending prayers for her, and also

your dear brother. I remember you telling that his dear son Pat, passed away 12 yrs. ago. I'm sorry.

"I took a 'nerve' pill"......such a cute & funny saying. I think we've all been there. Peace to you.

Jennasmom----Good to see you on BI. Two-and- a- half years can be a very difficult and trying point on this road.

Sending thoughts & prayers.

Dee----So sad---little Alice's illness & death. Bless her little white soul. I think that you handle it well, when asked the

question......"How many children do you have"? I've answered in about the same way, because we do not like to

leave out the children that we love so much just because they are no longer with us. And, you're right......if they feel

that we have ruined their day......so be it......( losing a child, in ways, ruins our lives). The quilt I'm working on is called

the state flower quilt. I embroidered 50 patches, each with the individual state's flower. Then all were sewn together.

I'm working on the borders now.....(all hand-quilting).....a bit boring.....that part. I had made the State Bird quilt for

my son......same thing....50 patches.....only ea. one with individual state's bird embroidered on it. That quilt was bordered

in hunter green. The state flower one is trimmed/bordered in lavender/purple. My Chris has his State Bird quilt

hanging in his home for display rather than on a bed, due to his beloved old dog who is, of course, allowed to sleep

on the bed.

Carol----Hope you are coming along now.....and recovering to good health. Sounds like Ralph's Droid X has a bit of a

mind of its own.......filling in the words that it "thinks" you meant. Too funny.

Diane----Sorry that you had such a bad day. Keep coming to BI and vent as you need to. We're here to listen and help

if we can.

Christy-----Your anger is entirely understandable. Yes.....it does seem so very odd that the world around us can go on

about its business, when you're heart is broken and your world is shattered. I'm sorry. Please come back to BI, friend.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Dee - Thank you for sharing the sacred story of Alison's life with me/us. I will treasure it. An old soul in a young body. A complete life. Truths I have digest again and again. When nothing makes sense to me perhaps there is sense to be made elsewhere.

When people ask how many children we have, Stephanie is always included. She always will be. When she first died it was important to me that our other children know how much I loved them. I kept asking them if they knew how much I loved them. They lost their sister, I didn't want them to lose me too. All my children were with me that night under the redneck patio when the bird landed on my shoulder. LOL All of our different reactions simultaniously playing out. That poor bird.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal16]

I wrote a long post and I lost it.

Thinking of you all....sending Hugs!

[lolynbo]

MY NEW STICKER FOR MY CAR...ALSO ON THE WHOLE HOOD OF KODYS RACE CAR...

[Guest msnher]

I love it, Lorri.

[Guest msnher]

Trudi - Glad to know you are safe.

[shorty16]

Indigos

I include Brian's name in all our family cards, I put an angel wing on either side of his name.

My husband has a hard time saying 3 kids, because it hurts too much to explain. I asked that when he is with me, he say 3 kids and I will explain. When he is alone, he can do what he wants.

Hard question

Hang in there Diane. I, too was a type A and am becoming again. You will too.

Love to all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

All

After Brian was killed, we each selected our own urns (Scott and I have one together) and each of us selected a necklace to hold Brian's ashes in.

Scott wears his tucked in his shirt, but I wear mine openly. When people ask me where I got it, I say "Internet, I do not remember the site name." My close friends know it is an urn necklace.

I read here where families meet at the gravesites, see their child's friends - that is really nice - sometimes I miss that. Brian did not want to be buried or open casket - can you believe we talked about it??? I do not know how it came up.

Brian's friends started a facebook site and they leave messages there. Other than that, we do not hear from too many of them.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - just a quick stop in to say hello and let you all know I am thinking of you with loving thoughts. Prayers for those in Japan as they endure the horrible........

Beautiful day today, worked outside all day cleaning the yard......felt so good to be outdoors.......the body is weary tonight but a good weary.

The picture of Tavian below - he is wearing the shirt I bought for my little brother Billy that passed away....Billy lived in Iowa and when Jessica and I went to visit the family I gave it too him....he loved it so much. Well, now I have passed it to Tavian and he loves it, he understands it is a very important shirt and has treated it so tenderly........I know my brother is smiling to see Tavian wearing it.

[summergirl]

SORRY - WAS TRYING SOMETHING THAT DID NOT WORK.......LATER

[Cdawn75]

the future has definitly seemed more unsettling then it had once upon a time. i dunno i've always been a "worrier". i worried about the kids, my parents , the people i loved and was close to me....i cried watching the news when a parents lost a child. i've heard numerous times " your t0 damn sensitive". I cant help it , its who i am...if i could change it believe me i would. anyways....the reality has hit and it hit me with full force...my child has died....definitly worst case seniro.....now i live min by min sometimes......and i fear ....fear is a big word, but i do fear many things now days, i sometimes dont think my thinking is normal.....for instance i think if god was willing to take my beautiful son from me, then he would be willing to take everything else from me....i fear daily when my kids are out playing or if they dont come straight from school....the fear its, its the worst thing possible, i instantly start thinking OMG THERE DEAD....or they've been kidnapped....its freakin crazy. Also my Boyfriend Erik is my soul mate, my strange, My rock and i cant imagine us ever apart....we've been together for 18 and a half months and he has helped me thru so much this past 18 months its unreal. We have discused marriage....he's in no big hurry, but i on the other hand ....i think we both know what we want, we both feel that we have been brought together to help each other over come different things that have effected us in life and when we were together in high school....it wasnt met to be then, it took 20 yrs for our timelines to become one....so whats the big deal....lets do it now today .....after all we are only givin today and never promised a tomorrow......so i feel pushy and he feels pushed sometimes so i dont bring it up anymore...i dunno i just want "us" together forever before god strikes again. the fear of the unknown, the fear of loosing someone else that will shatter and break you even more then youve already been broken....i know worrying about everyone, or marrying the man of my dreams wont solve my fears but i dunno .....sometimes i feel crazily insane....*sigh*

[dlj0403]

I like the idea of the halo and angel wings around the name. I have also had problems....I want to put Jenna's name with ours. I always signed things, Kenny, Deanna & Jenna....but felt like the recipient would think something..anything...and feel bad. So, I will start doing the wings...

I went to the cemetery today with two of Jenna's friends...it wasn't as peaceful as I would have liked but was glad to be there with her. We decorated with Easter eggs...I didn't realize Easter was so late this year but oh well...Jenna always liked hunting Easter eggs....

I took pictures and tagged Jenna on her FB. I have kept it going...the night before she passed away, we actually had discussed a friend of hers that had passed away in a car wreck. His mother had kept his FB acct going....who would have thought the next day, Jenna would be gone and within the week...I was keeping hers going for her. People write on her wall and post pictures all the time. I do a bunch myself.

I also have a thumbprint charm. A friend had given me the idea and I was like...I know right where one is as I keep everything and had Jenna's handprints, etc on "art" from daycare...but freaked out when i went to get the print and everything was smudged. I lost it big time that night....had a really bad anxiety attack....I would never have her finger print again. Two days later, I was in the kitchen and glanced down at a recipe holder that she had made for me for mother's day when she was four....on every corner...there was a perfect thumbprint...so, I had my husband scan it and ordered it....I put all the necklaces that Jenna had given me on a charm bracelet and wear it everyday.

Thank you all for sharing your memories and letting me share mine...

Deanna

Jenna's Mom

[aim630]

It seems like when I tell people about Ashley, I end up trying to comfort them. No one expects you to say that when they ask how many kids you have. I have avoided asking new people I meet, just so they would not ask me and I would have to explain. I need to quit worrying about making other people uncomfortable, but that's always how I've been. I don't wear Ashley's necklace very often, because I'm afraid the chain will break & I'll lose it. I do like wearing it though, feeling she is right there with me.

Carol-glad you're home & hope you get the meds all adjusted & figured out. Funny, I understood completely what you were saying in your first post, and only after you pointed out the mistakes did I notice them. Mike is sending you all kinds of signs, I wish Ashley would send me some!

Dee-such a sad story, about sweet Alice. Cancer is so horrible. I complain about the 3 months of fear I had when Ashley was sick, but I can't imagine 2 years.

Have already been over to my mom's twice today to deal with the 6 dogs (4 yorkies, a German Shepherd & a Cocker Spaniel). The cocker spaniel is her boyfriend's and acts like he is going to take our hands off if we get near him. I was not able to get him to go out tonight, but Katie got him out earlier today, so maybe he likes her better!

Very tired tonight...peace to all

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

Ash, good luck with the 6 dogs, no wonder you are tired tonight. I am tired too, going to bed in a minute. I wear a necklace that my Sis-in-law had made form me. Carol lives in Plymouth Mass, and she is Erica's Godmom. She sent me a silver necklace, on it are EER for (erica Eileen Reith) and the words or symbols rather in Chinese for beautiful daughter. I have been wearing it since it came on the 6 month aniverssary of ERi's death. Only took it off for surgery. Husband took it for me right before I went into surgery room. Back on as soon as I was awake. I also wear the crystal I bought for ERica on her last Christmas here. She loved it. After she died, I went to her house and cleaned out her room, (she rented with her brother and several others) and there it was hanging on her mirror. I kept it and wear it but not each day, however I do wear it often. The silver round disk with the EER is asked about often, and when folks ask I answer, " it says beautiful daughter with her initials as a tribute because she died."

Deanna, I am glad that you were ablet to get Jenna's prints to make the necklace. How dear.

[ericasmom]

Oh, today I was at the gym, a gentle work out and the song that came on made me cry. The first time I heard this song a long long time ago, I cried, but when Eri died, it took on a more poignant meaning. It is a beautiful song both musically and poetically. This is The Cure:Pictures of You

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you

That I almost believe that they're real

I've been living so long with my pictures of you

That I almost believe that the pictures are

All I can feel

Remembering

You standing quiet in the rain

As I ran to your heart to be near

And we kissed as the sky fell in

Holding you close

How I always held close in your fear

Remembering

You running soft through the night

You were bigger and brighter and whiter than snow

And screamed at the make-believe

Screamed at the sky

And you finally found all your courage

To let it all go

Remembering

You fallen into my arms

Crying for the death of your heart

You were stone white

So delicate

Lost in the cold

You were always so lost in the dark

Remembering

You how you used to be

You were angels

So much more than everything

Hold for the last time then slip away quietly

Open my eyes

But I never see anything

If only I'd thought of the right words

I could have held on to your heart

If only I'd thought of the right words

I wouldn't be breaking apart

All my pictures of you

Looking so long at these pictures of you

But I never hold on to your heart

Looking so long for the words to be true

But always just breaking apart

My pictures of you

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to feel you deep in my heart

There was nothing in the world

That I ever wanted more

Than to never feel the breaking apart

All my pictures of you

[crystalann]

It is so hard to believe that there is something more than this life. I want so badly to know for sure Tyler is some where better. But how am I supposed to know. I love him with all I am.I just dont know what to think or feel anymore It will be 10weeks and it feels worse every day that goes by I dont know if Im getting closer to seeing him again or further away from the last time I will ever see him again. I kuat feel lost.

[Cdawn75]

today is another day i've been wanting not to come, today would be my mothers 55th birthday, however this will be the "1st" birthday we are spending with her as an angel...i wasnt so bad off yesterday i was more concerned with how my dad is going to be today....but now that i'm awake (not that i got much sleep last night) i'm so not okay today, i wanna be okay , i need to be okay i need to be strong for my dad....life just really isnt fair....ya know in july 2009 my dad lost a grandson, me my son, in july 2010 my dad lost his love of 33 yrs , me my mom......i cant deal today...i know how i feel losing a child, losing my mom....i just cant imagine losing the one person u spent 33 yrs out of you 50 yrs of life with....such crap.....i dont know how to be there for my dad today i thought i'd be okay ....but its that dreaded *first* birthday.....i just know if my siblings dont show up at my dads today .....i am going to feel the need to make war in my family.....oh my god , please give me the strength to make it thru today

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Christy I do hear you and know where you are. Life is hard-- losing our loved ones take a big toll and our spirits and energy. I too have lost my Mom, my Dad, my Partner of 25 years and my Son. The only way that anyone could be there for me was just to be there and listen if I wanted to take or just to sit with me. I will hold you and Your Family in my thoughts today today.

Dear sweet Dee I truly loved the poem so very true and it made me cry as well. I do visit Stephen's web site each day and remember and smile. The re memories are warm and sweet and truly enrich my day

Crystal . I do not know what is to be on the other side but in order for me to even get there I need to just keep going one day at a time and with my Indigo Family and the "re memories of the Good Times I am making it..

I saw a very touching movie yesterday called of" Gods and Men" It was about a group of Monks in Algeria in the 90's They were surrounded and threatened on all sides. There struggles of faith and if they should stay and pray or run and abandon their life. This was a powerful depiction or my struggle each day when I wake up. Good Movie I will not reveal the end in case you decide to attend.

Sherry thinking of you and your lovely Eden. The flowers in my apartment complex are starting to bloom .the Robins are bck in force and I am now feeding them as well!! Hope your ear and your wildlife iare making a come back.

Betsy praying for your brother and SIL Amy In my prayers as well

Rhonda:, Westley sounds like a wonderful boy/man love what you are doing for his friend.

Lorrie,Deanna, Sus, Karen, Crystal, Sharon, Trudie, Sir Mutley, Kathy, Sonya, Lynn, Da, Greg and all Indigos In my thoughts today and every day

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

I read the posts from our newer moms and I want so badly to take away your pain, but I know I can't. This is something you have to walk through. But, you don't have to walk through it alone. We are here to walk with you.

I won't be able to log back on until nightfall. I have a busy day today.

Love to you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dwsmithrn]

seriously....when will i be able to go out again....my best friend keeps asking me to do things, even just riding in the car with her to go pick something up at the pet store, a 15 minute ride, i didn't even have to get out of the car....i can't even make myself do that....i feel stifled here in my house, in my bed.....i feel badly i can't go...i wanted to, but then i didn't. it makes me mad at nathan that he did this to me, but then i love and miss him so much, how can i be so mad at him. he is not sad anymore, but i am so sad, i'm terrified. my friend said she won't give up on me, but i'm afraid she will....then i will be sooo alone. i'm afraid of what i've become. this is me, for the rest of my life. alone and terrified. this pain, eating away at me, forever......my kids don't like me, my sister doesn't like me....no wonder nathan didn't want to be here anymore....for other reasons i will never understand, this is a fraction of what he was feeling when he left me, standing here all alone, just like he felt, all alone. how can i be so mad at him....this is some of what he felt. i want answers, and i will never have them....i feel like i am in a tunnel looking in instead of out. this is my life....i read about what others are doing, and i hope that someday i will be able to do things, but the tunnel is so dark and cold and lonely, i don't see out.

i am sorry for the hurt and the pain and sad days that others must face, too. it breaks my heart for all of you. the dates that come and go, the new heartaches you face, how that must hurt you. i don't want to be here. i don't want to do this anymore. it is just too painful. i want out. i don't want to look into this dark tunnel anymore. i'm done.....diane

[shorty16]

Indigos

My family received a letter yesterday from the Donor Services that harvested Brians tissue, bones, and eyes. We could not donate vital organs, because Brian died at the scene.

To date, Brian's donatation has been used in 28 individuals. The Donor Services provided gender, age and which State the recipients live. The recipient knows the donation came from a 16 year old boy from Wisconsin.

I cried reading the letter. I am happy for those people, but that does not lessen my pain.

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Diane: I am sorry that you are feeling so lost and alone..."i'm afraid of what i've become. this is me, for the rest of my life. alone and terrified. this pain, eating away at me, forever......" like Sus, I wish so much I could take this pain away from you, but it is something you must walk through, and also like she said, you do not have to walk it alone...we are here for you, to hold you, to let you know that there will come a day when you won't feel so terrified and alone, and the pain won't eat at you constantly. I have a picture that I have on my dresser...I found it one time when I was in a deep, darker than dark, depression...I truly never thought I would find a light anywhere, ever again, and I found this card...the light on the card is so symbolic to me, against the backdrop of the dark barn, it is the only shaft of light, a promise almost, that it is always there, even if we are in the darkest of places. I will share it with you. (I hope it comes out; I can't find it in my photos, but had it on photobucket, so am using that)

You are in my prayers for peace to find your heart, Diane, and all who are in such pain right now.

[shorty16]

Diane

You will not feel this way for the rest of your life. Stop beating yourself up!!! You are experiencing the worst thing to ever happen to any parent. You will go out of the house again, just not now. Your friend will not give up on you. After about the 6th to 8th month mark and you still do not go out, them we can talk. but not now!!!

Stop beating yourself up.

I am the Queen of that and you are stealing my thrown. HAHA

Love to you

Colleen

[shorty16]

Christy, Clinton's Mom

My Mother died of breast cancer 2-7-2008, Brian was killed 6-19-2008. I know how you feel.

My family go through it one breath at a time and coming here to read and sometimes post.

We are more alike than we know.

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Col, I remember the first letter we received with that information...it was a joy deep in my heart that I callupon on my darkest days, knowing that Eri is in, IN others, helping them live their fullest lives, helping make their circle of days better, stronger and longer. GO BRIAN!

Diane, if you feel the draw, the pull to end things here on Earth, I am begging you to go to your husband and ask him to get you to a doctor. I went to therapy at around the 6 month mark to help me with sorting through some of the pain, to help me find ways to let some of the guilt go. Therapy can be part of the answer for some, medication is helpful for many, so it sounds like you are in need of assistance adn there is nothing wrong with that.

You are taking on the guilt of all th ewrongs in the world right now and your shoulders, nobody's shoulders can withstand that. Maybe you can go for a drive with your friend another day but right now, it is too terrifying and you need so me help to figure out how to proceed so that you don't become more terrified. I am holding you close and wishing you some sort of intervening force to help you to the next step. HOld on Sweetie, you are a good woman who just needs some help to see the light instead of more dark.

I am sorry that your Mum died and that today is the first without her. It is so difficult to mourn the lives of people that we expected to live longer in this world. I know how that feels too, and I am holding you as this day progresses. Hope Dad is okay today.

Sus, whatever is keeping you super busy, i hope that it is fun.

[ericasmom]

Ah, shaft of light, I will try to post my shaft of light photo of that day in the woods when I asked Eri where are you? Nice one Carol, and great words to you and Col, remembering this time and sharing the ways you stuck it out are great reminders for our Newest Members...

[ericasmom]

here is the shaft of light, the answer to my question, WHERE ARE YOU?

[mysonrich]

Hello , I have some reading to catch up on after a cup of coffee. We left this morn on the 10 o'clock train for the Philadelphia Flower Show, “ Springtime in Paris” theme. Lots of people and the parade was today too. A little trouble getting pic's without random people but, they made the day ,the show too.

I saw our angels all around! I'll post the pic's later. Lots of Bikes in the display's. Rich enjoyed his bikes and worked on any kid or adult bike that needed fixen.

Dee, there was one that made me think of you. Trudi, a sign of your mike. Betty, something for you as well. I'll just say that all our angels were flying around.

Ok, probably not till tomorrow. For aching hearts, please forgive my excitement. It was a wonderful day with sweet and sad memories. Makes no sense I know.