Loss of an Adult Child

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Friends,

I have not posted here for a while, but do read everyday.Its sad to see so many new names here, but I know that you ,like me, will find some peace here, some people who also know how your feeling, how your missing your child, how you heart feels like it will break.

Its been three years since my daughter Carrie Ann died, and will be three years in July since my son Matthew left as well.

I keep busy talking about drug abuse to kids, parents, and anyone who will listen. It has been a way of dealing with their loss that seems to work for me. I must say to all of you here that it does get easier to go on, inspite of uncaring relatives, family, who think that you should be "over" it by now.

I'm a different person. The old me, at least part of me, is buried with my two children, and waits for the rest of the old me to join them. I look at 2006 as a year closer to being with them again.

I hope each and everyone of you finds what they need to go on from this site. I know I did.

Much love to each of you...

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[maureensmom]

For mamabets and Erma - thanks for reminding me that I may not feel this awful forever. Maureen has been dead for 24 days. Sometimes it feels like yesterday, and other times it seems like it has been years since I talked to her or saw her. My life, in retrospect, was so amazing, so wonderful, until she died. I feel like I will never stop thinking about it, reliving the experience in the emergency room. I have never felt so alone in my life.

As I make gratitude lists every night, I can see that there are still many peaceful, happy parts to my life, they are just all covered by this gray mist.

We have a 15yo special needs son who functions on a 2nd-3rd grade level. He misses his sister, but he gets so much pure pleasure out of his days that he drags my husband and I back into his sunshine.

[julsmom]

TO ALL - I haven't posteed much lately, but I read daily. I see despair and lonliness, but I also see comfort for one another, I see healing, I see hope. This site has been so helpful for all of us. May we all find peace and strength in the new year. Lynda

[ameliasmom]

2006. It has been 7 weeks today since Amelia died. This has been the longest day of my life. It feels as though my minutes are hours. Time has never gone so slow for me before. But at the same time, it just seems like yesterday, I was kissing her good-bye before they closed her casket for the last time. My heart is hurting so much and I just want her back. She will never see this New Year. She still had so much to learn and so I always thought, so much time to live.

I am going back to work a week from tomorrow. I dread it. I have to see people and deal with people and talk to people all day long. This is the part I always loved about my job and now I have dreams about it and I wish I didn't have to go back. Can anyone tell me if it has helped them to return to work? I still have time I can take off but it is just me and I know I need to get back.

I wait for God and Amelia to show me signs that she is happy and wouldn't want to return to this life even she could. I think I may see or feel little signs but it is never enough for me. I want proof. Proof she is being taken care of, proof that she is happy and safe and warm and loved. God gave me this responsibility for 21 years (yes, she was responsible for her own happpiness too) but now He has her and I don't know how to let go. It has been my job for so long, I just can't let go of it just like that.

Thanks again for listening. Even though I am not looking forward to 2006 without Amelia, I want all of you to know, I wish you the love and peace of Christ that I know will return to my life one day. Peggy

[julsmom]

Peggy, I am so sorry for your recent loss. Our 27 y/o daughter died 10/13/03. I cannot tell you what made going back to work easier. My husband is in a position in which he is with people all day too. He just did what he had to do, trying to concentrate, which was very hard, at the task at hand. Remember you only have to breathe for 30 seconds at time. May you find some peace. Lynda

[Artina]

Peggy,

I don't know if I can answer your question to the fullest, because I work out of my home and meet with a Board of Directors once a month. But, being forced out of my home and into the presence of co-workers, seemed to have a double edge sword. It did help to be around something to focus on other than my loss, but it didn't help to be exposed to the reality that my loss didn't make the world stop or the people around me more sensitive. The bottem line... we have to face it at some time or another and for me, the sooner the better. I'm one of those people that create scenerios in my head that add to my grief stress, yet may never come true. Thus, the sooner I attack my fear- the better. Again... that's me and this may not work for you.

Maybe you should consider going back half time for a couple of weeks, instead of full time. Thus, you can take in a little bit at a time and still take care of you! Just a thought.

Peace to you, Tina

[maskott]

Peggy...I, also, am so sorry for your loss of Amelia. Seven weeks is so fresh and new, it is heartbreaking.

I had to go back to work a week after my son died. It was summertime and with scheduled vacations, I had no choice. I did, however, have the choice to leave early and I did. I stayed as long as I could and left early if I needed to. Yes...it does help a little to get back to work and to get your mind on something else, even if its for a few minutes at a time. A whole day, at the beginning, is tough. Co-workers, as well meaning as they try to be, sometimes make things worse. They say things or do things that will automatically make you cry. This you will have to accept. You will cry at the drop of a hat. You will have to go back to work sooner or later and honestly, one or two weeks makes no difference. You are in this for the long haul and it will take a long time before you stop thinking of Amelia all the time. It's been almost 5 months for me, and Matthew is the 1st thing on my mind as I open my eyes and the last thing I think of as I fall asleep.

So I agree with Artina, if you can maybe go to work for half a day may be helpful. You need to do what feels right for you. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

BettyAnn

[maureensmom]

Peggy - I went back to work this morning for the first time since Maureen died on December 8th. I\'m planning to work half days this week, and take a day a week off for this month. I thought I did OK, but then I came home and my husband told me that we can pick up Maureen\'s ashes tomorrow afternoon, and I just collapsed. I can\'t believe that all that energy, vividness, and love can be reduced to a quiet bronze box. But I understand that this pain, in some variant, is permanent, and I might as well move back into my real life. I hate this crying at work, though - it is so hard to refocus. They won't mind my tears, but they will mind if I can't do my job adequately.

[mom2angels]

{{{MaureensMom}}}

Georgia~ I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear daughter, Maureen. I am glad that you found this group, which I am sure will help you get through this difficult experience. You seem to be coping well, with an understanding of what to expect. This grief is a very complicated, complex process, and I've learned to be prepared to pull together all of my coping skills at any second, for it can sneak up on you.

Both of my sons were born with special needs. Michael was 32 when he passed from septic pneumonia and intractable seizures in 2003. His older brother, Jon, is 36, and still lives with me and my husband. I belong to an online support group for parents of children with special needs, and I would be happy to share the information about that forum with you, if you are interested. And, of course, I am here for you to talk to any time.

I have a feeling that your son has close contact with his sister. I'm sure that Jon and Michael communicate all of the time. What they were/are unable to do in body, their spirits certainly know no limitations. Michael has sent us many signs through Jon and surrounding Jon's miraculous recoveries in 2004/2005. I'm sure that your son misses Maureen's earthly presence, but I have a strong feeling that he is in contact with her on a very regular basis. A friend of ours, who is a spiritualist, has told us that both of our sons have had "one foot on each side" all of their lives, both here on earth and on the "other side."

So, I encourage you to look to your son for comfort, as he knows where and how Maureen is now, and might very well bring you messages in some way from her periodically.

My thoughts and prayers are with you for your comfort and peace~

Love & Light,

Rose

[mom2angels]

{{{Peggy}}}

I echo the sentiments that you need to do what is best for you, what you feel most comfortable with doing. I also agree with the suggestions that you start back slowly to test the waters. If you discover that you aren't quite ready to return to work, then perhaps you can ask for more time off until you do feel ready.

Put yourself first, at least for awhile, and be sure that you take proper care of yourself. I am turning into a broken record here but I will continue to encourage everyone to eat properly, take vitamins and supplements to boost your immune system, because this stress will compromise your system, and exercise even just a little bit a few times a week. A walk is a good form of exercise and might also help you with meditation. Sunshine and fresh air are also beneficial.

Keeping you in my prayers that all will happen when and as it should for you, and of course, for your peace and comfort~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[errionna]

My Son died August 8, 2004. I have been going to therapy ever since. I haven't went in two months. I am still having a had time facing his death. He had a heart attack at 35 years old. They thought it best that I not see him after the autopsy. I had him cremated because he had not insurance. I think my biggest problem is not seeing him. It doesn't seem real. I have custody of his two children now. I know this is why God took my son. He wants me to protect these two little boys. Please pray for me that God will lead me in the right direction and I have the sense to follow. Lsoing a child is hard. I just thought losing my Dad was hard. I morn the loss of both. I my heart feels as though it will never heal. We move to a new location in hopes that it would help me. I am doing better but still wish for 5 minutes with my son.

Thanks,

Elaine

[kathy714]

Dear Heartbrokendad,it is nice to hear from you again,may the new year give you the strength to continue with all the hard work you do educating our young children,about the dangers of drug addiction,keep up the good work!T/C Kathy,Nate's mom.

[kathy714]

Dear Peggy,i am sorry for the loss of your daughter,i loss my son Nathan,last jan 31st,and i remember at 7 weeks it does feel like just yesterday,we were still gettig sympathy cards at 7 weeks,i was do to go back to work and took extra time because my husband was also ill.I ended up taking 6 monthes,and when i did finally go back i was glad.I agree with the others,try part time first and see how you do,i'm sure your employer understand you have been through a devasting loss,and will be willing to help.ALSO about signs that your daughter is with you,in the begining most of my signs came through electrical,like the comp,the phone and cell phone,then finally i had a dream that Nathan came into my room,and he was really happy, I said"I knew you would be back,i told everyone you would be back",then we were talking,like we were catching up because we hadn't seen each other,then i woke up...so be open to the signs and they will come T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

To Maureensmom ,i am so sorry for the recent loss of your daughter Maureen,I loss my son Nathan last Jan on his 21st birthday,it will be a year at the end of this month.Losing a child is something that i never thought would happen to me.I found this site shortly after ,and it has saved me,not a day goes by where i don't at lease read the post.I hope you will be able to find some comfort from the post here,everyone is so understanding.You will be in my prayers..T/C Kathy Nate's mom

[kathy714]

To Errionna,i am sorry for the loss of your son,35 is so young to have a heart attack, i will say a prayer for you ,and i am sure God and your son will help you find the strength to take care of those two little angels.Please come to Beyond Indigo whenevr you feel like you need some support or understanding..T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[ashleysmom]

Tina,

My thoughts and prayers will be with you as tomorrow comes and goes. May you find peace in your memories, Dottie

[mamabets]

For All- Care4U had a visit from Danny yesterday- He said that he didn't have much time because he had to go play soccer. He also told her that he was playing alot of basketball. He did neither here- Were any of the other boys or girls big into those here? Just curious, for I have said that they are all a "team" up there watching over all of us. She said that she started to sway, and felt that it was him in her first e-mail- He used to rock back and forth when he was going to sleep with his stuffed animal Sylvester!! I am anxious to hear about the soccer and basketball stars!! xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Maureensmom- Slow and easy, Beyond Indigo as much as possible- Travel all forums, and if you e-mail me, I can send to you some things that REALLY comforted me early on, and still do. I would sit at this computer and just search and search- ANGELS- search, POEMS ABOUT LOSING A CHILD- search- etc. That kind of stuff- What was great about finding Beyond Indigo was that I felt the kids connection and that was beautiful. Since then, we have all become a family and we, too, will take care of you. xoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Tina- I hope that you weren't forced out of your home- In reading your post, my heart skipped a beat, because that has happened to me more than once. I am thinking about you as tomorrow approaches. I am, however, very happy that you experienced the phone call visit when you were out of town. I have phone stuff happen alot, and yesterday when I was at KinderMourn, where I go for therapy, my therapist said , in looking out the window- "Oh, there it goes again-" The tailights on her vehicle apparently keep blinking on and off- I asked her which vehicle? The blue explorer- My Danny had one years ago- The father gave it to him to drive. Long story there too- xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Matthew played soccer since he was five until he graduated high school. Soccer was his favorite sport. However, when he got together with friends, he always played basketball at a nearby park. None of his friends played soccer.

BettyAnn

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,Nate played baseball for a short time and was the only kid i kneww that would ask the coach if he could come out of the game,he liked to hang around the dugout and talk to girls.Nate was really into karate and skateboarding,and was the type of kid if there was a game going on he would love to join in.

[kathy714]

Dear Tina ,you will be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow,on your son's angel date.I also had a strange phone experience just before Christmas,i was looking through a catolog ,and there was a gift that i was going to buy last year for Nathan,while i was looking at thinking how i never bought it for him,feeling a little guilty because now he's gone,all the sudden my cell phone beeped,but it was a beep i never heard it do before,when i checked it i didn't reconize the number,then it said something like no new messages,i remember thinking, it was a sign that Nathan was with me.It has never made that beep since.T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[briansdad]

You know I still have Brian's gift to me from his last Christmas with us 2003.I can't bring myself to use it.It's still in the box.I gave his to one of his best friends.I kind of wish I hadn't.

[Artina]

Thanks my friends. Today feels dark, cold, empty, lifeless, and sad. I have a swollen, yet hollow ball between my ribs and it burns and aches for relief. I know that it will get better, but for today- I hurt. I pray that tomorrow comes and goes as fast as time can tick. Every minute of the last week, and probably the next week, are filled with all the steps from four years ago on Jan 4. I have tried to busy myself, but I am constantly pulled back on the path that leads nowhere.

Briansdad,

We still have the Christmas gifts that we bought Chris before he crossed over- four years ago. I don't know what to do with them. My husband had given my son a wooden box that he made, that had drill bits in it. He signed it- love, dad. It breaks my heart. I'm still not ready to make those types of decisions... and I won't until I have to.

[daveydow1]

Maureensmom and Ameliasmom,

I am so very sorry for you recent loss. I wish I could say

something to help you----just remember that all of us here

at BI know your pain and how devastating it is to lose a

child, and we will be here to help if we can. Peace be with you.

[daveydow1]

Dear Artina,

My heart goes out to you on this day---your angel day. As

you said, the emptiness is always there. I will pray that

you can somehow get some peace & comfort. As someone said,

there is joy to be found in our lives, but I guess we look

on it a bit differently. You have helped me with your posts,

and I just want to say that I feel for you on this sad day.

[julsmom]

Tina - my prayers and thoughts are with you this week. May you find some comfort and peace. Lynda

[maureensmom]

We had to pick up Maureen's ashes from the funeral home today. Somehow this was even worse than the memorial service. All I've done all day is cry. How can my child be reduced to a bronze box? I feel as bad as I did when I saw her dead in the emergency room.

And I'm so conflicted about having her ashes here. On one hand, she loved home and her family; she would want to be here, and there's a part of me that is so grateful that I have SOMETHING that represents her, almost like her cat or her stuffed bunny. The rest of me is screaming. The reminder is so painful that I can't stand it. I know how gruesome this must sound, but we thought hard about where to locate the box. It's on the top shelf of a glassed in cupboard in one end of my kitchen, where if I look, I can see it, but it's not at eye level. Has anyone dealt with this? We aren't ready yet to make a final decision about what to do. I'm so sad I feel like I'm dissolving.

Georgia

[ameliasmom]

Maureensmom, I am so very sorry. I know how much it hurts and what a difficult decision it must be in deciding about your daughter's ashes. I have been away from home for several weeks now with some of my family members in Scottsdale. I thought it would be a nice place to look for an urn for Amelia. I have been miserable. I keep saying over and over, I can't do this, I don't want to do this. Something isn't right. How can I shop for a container for my duaghter's ashes. THIS IS MY DAUGHTER, I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS. I still have her ashes at the funeral home. Our fmaily had made friends with the embalmer. She is a wonderful, kind soul who has offered to keep Amelia at the funeral home for as long as I need becuase she knows I am not ready for her to come home. I don't want her buried, I don't want her ashes spread, I don't want her with family and I am not ready for her to come home. I feel so bad and so guilty about it. How could I be like this? I don't know what to do, so I don't make a decision. We went out again today to look for an urn. I couldn't find anything because nothing feels right, nothing. So I do understand, I really do and I am just so very sorry. I hurt for you and everyone else here.

Artina, I am sorry the pain is so deep today. I only wish I knew what to do to help.

Peggy

[mamabets]

For Tina- Prayers of all shapes and sixes to you tonight and tomorrow... I will think of something special to do, something that will celebrate all of our kids- I will put Danny in charge and let's see what he comes up with!! I love you and am right near to your heart...xoxomamabets

[maskott]

Tina...I pray for you today...May you make it through today and the days to follow with as little pain as possible.

Georgia...We have Matthew's ashes sitting in his bedroom. At first it hurt like crazy to see the box sitting there. I would go in and sob. Now, I find it comforting to have him nearby. Don't get me wrong....I still cry but I feel that he is with me. For me, I think this was the right decision.

You will know what's right for you when the time comes.

BettyAnn

[kevsmom]

Ameliasmom and Maureensmom

I read your posts last night and started to cry. We have Kevin's ashes here....in his room on his dresser. My husband was so distraught about "what to do with the ashes", but, I couldn't think straight and didn't want to make such a big decision just a week after his death. It's just so wrong that my tall, strong, handsome, funny dear, dear son is gone - sometimes I touch the box and can smile, other times I am wracked with sobs. It's been 6 months, we've talked about scattering his ashes....maybe someday, for now home is the best place - this isn't a decision you have to make today, this month or even this year.

Hugs, Irene

[maureensmom]

One of the most difficult things about this grief is how fast my feelings change, almost like a kaleidoscope. I went down to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get something to drink, and all of a sudden realized that it's not that I don't want my girl with me, here in her own home, I'm just trying to avoid more pain. As if that were possible! I felt kind of ashamed. I mentally told her that I was sorry, and of course she is welcome here with me.

During these endless walks I am taking in the morning while I cry and cry, I decided to "reframe" my feelings about the ashes. They aren't Maureen, but they are kind of like physiological clothing, only purified and made as clean as snow. They are just a reminder of her spirit. I've got to get out of this "body in a box" thinking. I'm going to the fabric store this morning and by a yard of the most beautiful, glistening cloth I can find, to kind of nestle the box into. I want to glance up at that shelf and think lightness and beauty.

[rmcaggiano]

Artina,

Hello, I just read your post in regards to what to do with the "gifts". Nicholas has two sisters and his son here. This was the first Christmas without my Nicholas. I still filled his stocking and bought gifts, I can't take him out of "life" (maybe that sounds crazy). I had my grandson have everything in Nicholas' stocking and both of my girls opened his gifts and will keep them.

I feel that "certain" belongings of his will stay with my girls and his son.

Plus, I think my girls wanted it that way.

I know we all have different ways of doing things, one fact remains, we ALL want to keep our children somehow with us in some way.

Rose

[heartbrokendad]

My son Matthew died 8 months after my daughter, his sister, Carrie Ann. I had his ashes placed in the burial box with Carrie Ann, she wasnt cremated, but Matthews mother wanted Matthew cremated, and we divided the ashes between us.

I at first had placed them in the grave about 2 feet down, but when I had to move her body, I placed them inside the concrete burial box that is required in our state. I actually tried to get the cemetary worker to open the coffin for me so I could place them inside with her, but they wouldnt do it.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[rmcaggiano]

Heartbrokendad,

Hello, can I ask you a what might seem a rather "morbid" question............when you actually thought of opening Carrie Ann's coffin, had you had prior thoughts of her "process" and what she would have appeared to look like? The reason I am asking you this question is there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what my Nicholas looks like, it's been 240 days today.

Again, I'm so sorry that you have had to endure this misery again.

Rose

[briansdad]

I received this in a newsletter I thought I'd share it.

Grief Makes a Promise by Bob Baugher, Ph.D.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

[Grief Speaks] Come sit down, let's talk.

Not you! Leave me alone. You have moved into my life and you won't leave. Everywhere I look there you are, staring me in the face, filling my life with pain.

[Grief Responds] I know. But just hear me out, okay?

I'm tired of listening to you. Tired of feeling so many things: Confused, sad, hopeless, angry, anxious, guilty, helpless, isolated, empty, alone, exhausted, lost and fearful.

[Grief, firmly] You're supposed to have feelings. You're human.

Look, you don't understand. Someone I care for very much has died and it hurts-it hurts so badly I can't stand it. Sometimes I don't even want to be here anymore.

[Grief, comforting] I hear you. But if you never loved, you'd never grieve. What you feel is normal.

No, it's not. Everyone says I'm-well-they say I'm grieving too much. They're worried about me. They say it's time to move on. They say to me:

"It's time to put closure on this."

"It's time to heal, accept, recover and get over it."

[Grief, softly] And you can't.

Well, no. Not like they want me to. I can't put closure on my love. My love did not die. I can't wake up one day and suddenly exclaim, "I'm healed." I'll never completely heal. I certainly will not "accept" or "recover" from this death. And I will never "get over" it as if my grief is a problem that can be fixed.

[Grief whispers] You don't have to.

What do you mean?

[Grief takes a seat] Everyone grieves differently. And you have the right to grieve however you're going to grieve. You had a unique relationship with your loved one-a relationship that no one can ever fully understand.

So, what am I supposed to do?

[Grief, moving closer] Five things.

First, grieve: feel your grief. That's why I'm in your life. So you can begin to feel again. Even if you don't like what you feel.

Second, talk it out with people who are willing to listen and not judge you. Find a way to get all those bottled up feelings out so they don't go round and round with no place to go. Find those people who will really listen. They're out there. Do it.

Third, realize that everyone grieves differently. Respect this.

Fourth, live. Even though at times you don't feel like putting one foot in front of the other. Your job is to live your life, despite all the changes you've gone through, despite the pain.

And fifth, talk about your loved one. Say his name or her name. Tell your loved one's life story. This person lived a life. Find people who will listen to the stories and who will in turn tell you their stories of your loved one. Your love for this person will never go away. You will always carry it in your heart.

[Grief, offering a handshake] And finally, I make you a promise.

[shaking hands] You? Grief are making me a promise?

[Grief Speaks] Yes, my promise to you is: As terrible as you feel now, you will not feel this way forever. There will be times that you will laugh. Times where your confusion, your sadness, hopelessness, your anger and fear will not feel so intense. Don't get me wrong. You will never forget your loved one. And feeling less grief does not mean that you are forgetting this person.

Now I want you to say your loved one's name. Go ahead, say it. It's a precious name. Take the memories. Put them in your heart. Feel them there. And know that your loved one will always safely be in your heart.

Always.

I promise.

[kevsmom]

Briansdad

Thank you for sharing....I'm feeling very fragile tonight.

Irene

[Artina]

Thank you everybody for thinking about my family and I today on Chris's Angel day. It was difficult... I kept myself busy so that I wouldn't dwell on things I cannot change. It means a lot to have your support and prayers and I am thankful for all of you. After four years I am tired of running and I still can't believe that my son is gone. Not all days are filled with such darkness, but today has sucked the light out of my thoughts. If I could sum up the past four years it would be.... grief is part of me now and I have found happiness in parts of my life that not even grief can take away- my husband, my living son, and the memories of Chris! Grief is heavy and it weighs me down, but it won't take me away from what I LOVE.

Ameliasmom,

This is what I did in regards to finding an urn. I too could not find the "perfect" urn and quite frankly, I wasn't ready to make that decision just two weeks after the death of my son. Thus, we brought my son home in the temporary urn that the mortuary supplied and I told myself that when I come across the "perfect" urn I would know it. About a year and a half later, I was out shopping with a friend and I came across a Japanese marble urn and I was drawn to it like a magnet to metal. I told my husband to meet me at the store and to look at it to see if it was "perfect" to him too- we bought it without one doubt. We have had it in our home for over two and a half years, but we still have not had Chris's ashes moved into the urn. I will do it when I feel 100% ready- no harm in leaving his ashes in the container they are in. I still don't know if we will spread his ashes or keep them forever- again there is no harm in waiting for that decision to surface naturally. The bottem line; you don't have to make any decisions right now... you can wait and make those decisions when you are ready. Believe me, your decisions will surface and you will know what to do when the time is right. You have choices here and that is the point I am trying to make.

Please know that this is what worked for me and may not work for you. Please take what you want and leave what does not work for you, because that's the key- do what works for you.

Peace to you, Tina

[mamabets]

For Artina- I have had Care4U tell me that Danny visited her and could not stay for long- He had to play soccer-He also plays basketball, she has told another here that their son is into water sports- Ours never did any of the above, but a dear friend of mine had a son pass in March- He was BIG into surfing at the Jersey shore, and was a real hockey nut- Jeff and BettyAnn's son was a big hockey player, and.... Danny was very good friends with some of the professional wrestlers in Florida- He worked for GNC and lived at the local gym. His father wanted him to do it for a career, but opted not to- Weren't both of your boys into this?? xoxomamabets- I have been with you all day, and have felt ALL of these kids still, so much alive!!!

[maureensmom]

Briansdad - thank you for sharing that dialogue about grief. I'm so overwhelmed, so suffocated by my grief that I can't see that there will ever be sunshine in my heart again, but then I remember that it has only been less than a month, what can I possibly expect? It's so strange... my days used to unwind so fast that I routinely underestimated how long it would take to get things done. So busy, I was jealous of every hour, almost. Now I am just praying that the days will blink past, although as I sit here, sleepless in the middle of the night, that seems inconceivable. I'm paralyzed by the fear that I will forget Maureen, isn't that crazy? As if anyone could forget my daughter.

[heartbrokendad]

Hi Rose,

I dont mind your question, and I guess I had given it some thought, but it had been about a year since her death, actually a little less, and I only wanted to get a locke of her hair to keep with me, as I had never even thought of that when she had died. I guess I was prepared for what ever the body would have looked like.... I meen after going through the death of two of my children, there isnt much that will shock me any longer...

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[maureensdad]

My daughter passed away almost a month ago, and I can't stop crying and praying that she is safe. My wife and I recently recovered her urn and I am totally perplexed what to do with them. They currenly are in a cabinet in our home, but I hope at some point that we can find a more permanent resting place. I vacillate between pain, anger ( at God and at her), but also have periods of incredible peace knowing she is with her maker. She believed in angels, and I keep seeing angel signs in my life that assures me she is ok. God, how I wish I could hold her again or hear her voice. Her cell phone voice keeps going off in my head like a mantra. I know time will heal, but I know that I am forever changed by this incident. My prayers all with all who suffer the loss of a child.

[alice24]

I have been reading all the post. I don't know if it is the time of year with the post Christmas hush in the air or just me being so depressed lately. I still have not been able to accept by son not being here (Dec. 11, 2004) with me. I make myself believe it is not true and just talk to him as if everything were the same. I always look for signs, and this morning I did get a surprise. In the clouds I saw the BI logo. I kept looking at the sky to convince myself it was not me imagining the logo just because I wanted my son so much to be here to talk to me. I immediately thought of all of the dear friends here. My heart is heavy as I write. My prayers for all.

[mattsdad]

To all of us who have our children's remains ---

There is not and should not be a rush to find a final resting place for our children. What I have learned over the past 5 months is that there is no rush to make a final decision with our children hastily..

My son Matthew is up in his room in a beautiful blue urn. It is where we believe he should be and would like to be at this point in time. Until we decide where he should be intered or scattered, he will remain with us in HIS room. We get comfort from having him so close...Closer than he was in his last few weeks of his tormented life. He is at peace. We visit when we want to. It is a room of comfort for now..

Sometime in the future we may find the need to find a final resting place, but until then we are comfortable with our decision.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

To Stu,

I can relate to wanting a lock of Carrie's hair, etc. When our Matthew passed, most of his belongings and clothing were so soiled that we discarded 95% of his things. Had we been a little more patient we might have tried to save and recycle some of his things. But those decisions were made and can never be recalled.

Now all we have are but a few pictures of him as a young adult. Hardly fair!!!!

Yours truly,

Jeff

[daveydow1]

Mattsdad,

I can understand that you have regretted getting rid of

some of Matts things. I have done the same thing. After

our son, Dave's, death 6/14/03, I disposed of quite a lot

of his clothing--giving it to the local Salvation Army

thrift store. Since he was single and lived with us, we

had all of his clothing and possessions here at our home.

Sometimes I feel I was too hasty in making the decision to

dispose of things. We do still have many articles of his, including

clothing. After beating myself up for some time about disposing

of some of the clothes, a very sympathetic & kind minister told

me---"they are just THINGS, they are not David". Since we still

have so many possessions of his, even after giving a few mementos

to his brother and sisters, I have finally made peace with myself

on that decision. I know that whatever you have of Matt's will

remain your keepsakes and give you some comfort. Peace be with

you always.

[maureensmom]

Mattsdad - I agree, it's hard to decide what to do with some of your child's things. Most of Maureen's clothing was in her apartment, but at the end, she was living in such profound disorder that I let three of her best friends take what they wanted, and then I bagged almost everything up and threw it away. I don't want any reminders of how she lived in the last six months of her life while she was with her drug-using boyfriend. I still have a few clean clothes of hers in her room here at our house, including some special clothes, but that's all I want. They weren't her, they were just stuff. Maybe I was too hasty, but I had to clean out her apartment and I didn't have the stomach for sifting through dirty laundry.

[enufalreddy]

I haven't posted in a while but have been reading on a regular basis. I have been considering calling the people who made Walt's headstone and see if they can add something to it for me. I've never heard of that being done but I am having a hard time letting go of the idea so I guess it won't hurt to call and ask. Walter had been out on his own for so many years that there is little that I have that is his. The artwork he gave me,his pictures (photos),odds and ends but I am almost grateful I don't have clothing etc. to deal with. My DIL has taken care of all that and I suggested to her the Salvation Army for his clothing so she didn't have to see his clothes on his friends. Julie and I are becoming closer since Walt's death. I need that right now and it seems to work for her.She is trying to straighten out her life to be a good single parent for Sarah and also to try to escape the same end that befell my son.And I'm doing everything in my power to help her wherever I can. I have felt more cheerful since the 2 of them visited for a few days at New Year. Not as many tears lately. I know that he is safe and at peace and nothing can ever harm him ever again.Including himself. God I miss him so. I'd give my right arm to be able to talk to him just once. I have faith also though that the day will come when we will have an eternity to chat and hug.In the meantime I am making memories with his daughter and his S.O. Julie. Big hugs to everyone at BI.Without you I don't know where I would stand emotionally. But it wouldn't be where I am...feeling half sane and at times hopeful again for a future worth living.Thank you all for being here and for allowing me to participate......Erma

[ashleysmom]

Erma, If there is something you want to add to Walt's headstone, call them! We drove the people who did Ashley's stone crazy adding things. They never had a problem with it, and told me this is a memorial to your daughter, so make sure it's everything you want it to be. We have become friends with them since then. If the stone has already been placed, they can still add to it. I made sure of that with Ashley's because my husband's and my stone are attached to Ashley's and I wanted to make sure that when we die that something could be added. Take care..Dottie