Loss of an Adult Child

[daveydow1]

Dan---Oh, thank you so very much for straightening out Davey's Memorial

address.....I must have goofed in copying it:( :?. Anyhow.....it was most kind

of you to put it right. Thanks again.

Deneace----Thank you for visiting Davey's memorial. I commend you for going

the extra measure to visit the site where your dear son died. I tried my best to

get to my son's site, but all I could do was drive past it on the freeway, because

of the geographical lay of the land. Very difficult. I once got off the freeway via

the off- ramp, and went into a Lowe's parking lot to see if I could somehow go

up to the site the back way, only to find that the incline up to the freeway was

a sheer cliff, covered with a  literal jungle of vegetation. Sadly, I surmised that it

 would not be possible for me to ever climb that area alone. I'm glad you were

able to get to the site.

Beth---Glad to hear the surgery is over and you are recovering. Zachy's writing

is great. What a beautiful child he is.

Betty----Thanks for visiting Davey's memorial. I usually don't put his memorial

site on BI, but I must have made a stupid error . So glad Dan fixed it for me.

Shelly---So good to see Rohan's sweet smile. Also.....praying that all goes well

for Akiem's adoption.

Rosie----You said it so well......that you'd almost rather have the constant pain

than to have that awful shock hit you like a brick, after a necessary distraction.

I know how you are feeling. I used to hate to go to bed, only to wake up the

next morning with that shock again. 44 days is such a tiny amout of time to have

gone by for you, and the pain, thoughts, and emotions are so raw and constant.

 Hang on, friend, and please come to BI and let some of your pain out. Everyone here

 knows, firsthand, your pain & sorrow, and only wish to help in some small way, if we

 are able to do so. Peace and comfort, my friend.

               Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

[lostwoher]

http://www.pekintimes.com/news/x1090828011/Victim-of-car-fire-identified?popular=true

This has been tough for me to swallow. Maybe because I dont know all the details on how someone can die from something this tragic but I just cant stop thinking that there is more to the story and maybe more to my daughters story. Its not as if we have a CSI in the area. Hell, there were 3 different depts fighting over who had jurisdiction with Kayla so maybe with all the confusion things were overlooked. Im just saying...

[daveydow1]

Betsey, Carol, Dee, and Susannah-------Thank you all for visiting Davey's memorial.

Your sweet messages/ lighting candles means so very much to me. Someday, I hope

to create a memorial site for Lisa too. 

    Sherry

[lolynbo]

OK THEN IM JUST GONNA DO THAT ...I FOUDN A PIC THE OTHER DAY..WE ALL HAVE RED EYES (WONT LET ME CROP IT)...WE ARE AT THE RACES...LOOK HOW LITTLE KODY IS..AND HOW I USE TO SMILE AND MY BEAUTIFUL KOURTNEY LYNN..

[lolynbo]

AND US AT A BDAY DINNER

WHEN I GO TO THE CEMETARY KOURTNEY I ALMOST PASS OUT IT IS STILL SUREAL...

[summergirl]

Hello to all,

Shelly - am so excited for you about Akiem - sending you hugs and prayers that all goes great.

Rosie - I can so connect with you about your words "a place where I am understood" BI is the only place where I feel that I am understood too and I am coming up on 4 years since my Jessica left us.....how sad is the thought that there is no one around me here that understands like those here. Even when we just come on and say hello the connection is there and I am thankful every day of my life that BI is here with all of these wonderful people who sacrafice so much of their own time and pain to comfort others.

Susannah - well girl...all I can say about your question is "been there and doing that", our whole lives changed when our Jessica left, never to be the same again. I too am in bed before Barry, usually on my laptop as now and then read and then sleep.......the "togetherness" that was once ours now seems to be laying in our bed watching tv, each lost in our own thoughts, not touching but very aware of each other, the longing there but silent...The "I love You" always said..yet ????  I thought maybe this is how it is after 36 years of marriage, losing a child and raising a grandson.... I just don't know.

To all other wonderful indigo's who have posted I am sorry that I am not able to answer each and everyone of you, but know that I read each post, I cry each tear, I feel your pain, saddness, happiness, longing, maddness, sorrow, anger and every other feeling you feel...you are all always in my prayers.

Another rough day but still hanging in there....time is all it takes some people say..I say those people are crazy..

Love and Peace, Kathy 

[ericasmom]

Such pretty red-eyed folks you Oklahomans are. I love the photo above that one, so pretty, all of you and yes, little Kody.  It is surreal Lorri, nothing bout it makes much sense except that she will always be your Daughter, that makes sense.

Sherry, it is a lovely site, and seeing Davey in his many stages is such a treat. Let's me know him even more.

Lynn, boy I looked up the story and one would wonder why it was assumed that there was not a person in the car. I know that this kind of story can make you go back in time adn wonder anew. I can only say the same thing as I said to Lorri, the only sense there is in any of our stories is that the person we grieve will always be our DAUGHTER/SON. And for that I am most thankful.

Love to you all,

dee

PS Sonya, never told you the other day that I would love to sit across a table to you and discuss your Little One, Maddie/Mattie. I think that you would ask all the important questions and I would know from where your concerns came. I have had two out of 24 conferences, about 1o tomorrow and 12 on Thursday. Lozenges are going to be the order of the day.  I will have a few that are going to be a bit difficult.

[mysonrich]

hello Indigo's, just last week I had a day when I was cracking up so Susannah, I know what you're talking about. I managed to make an appointment with my counselor within a day or so. I didn't tell her i was cracking up the day I called the office. Her son died 5 years ago. He fell off a cliff while on a trip to Costa Rica. There are times I feel as if I must watch what I say to her. The last session I said something stupid and didn't realize until i left the office.

The day of Rich's angelversay I went to a park and attempted to walk around. There was snow,ice, old leaves on the ground. The park is called The Tubs, made by glaciers. I left because I felt I might fall down a ravine and no one would find me,well, stupid me tells her this. The same way her son died. Kicking myself still. I don't know if I should continue with her or not.

 

On the other hand I have learned that a co-worker lost her son 16 years ago in a murdercycle accident. When I told her of the manner in which Rich died she said, " you didn't know" re: heart death/health. I didn't reply really because my thoughts were full of the " F " word, every other one. I saw her yesterday, she commented that we survived the death of our son's,we could survive anything. I replied that I have survived so far. I didn't need to explain. she knew.

 

Dan, thanks for fixing Rich's banner pic. It was bugging the hell out of me and I just couldn't keep my fingers still any longer.

 

I had a dream the other night that Rich was talking to me via Instant Messenger.I use that tool a lot at work. I don't know if my thoughts were projected in his message or if he was trying to tell me something.

Keeping you all close in thought and feeling. everyone of you and our children. I'm here, reading,  taking each day at a time.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[Guest]

Beth - Glad the surgery went well.  Get lots of rest. 

Rosie - I remember the shock waves of "remembering" the tragic loss that took over our lives.  Like you, I would rather just stay in the pain than feel any relief because it was more devastating when it came back.  What I can say, for me, is things seem to have balanced out a little.  I also share your feelings about this group!  You all have been my lifeline to reality.  Our reality!  You may have said, but I don't remember, how old is Chris?

Sherry - Who is Lisa?  My heart hurts in thinking you may have lost two children. 

Lorri - Such a good looking family!  Happier times. 

Kathy and Betty - thanks for responding to my question.  This morning my husband joined me outside while I smoked and we had such a nice visit.  I suppose he's the one I should have been talking to anyway.  He assured me he still loves me and we laughed about our ages and how our lives have changed since we married.  We also gave thanks for the days of "abundance".  Ooo-la-la!

Shelly - I don't remember if we met or not.  What a handsome young man Akiem is! 

Lynn - Last night the thoughts that there might be more to Stephanie's death weighed heavy on my mind.  Wondering what to do now?  I was thinking I should demand to see the pictures of the crash and read the coroner's report.  Finally, I drifted off to sleep deciding to leave it alone.  I feel I have no choice but to trust the police report and accept their decision that there was no foul play.  IF something was awry it is my belief that will be exposed in time.  Nothing will bring Stephanie back and I don't have any fight left in me right now.    I say all that to say I understand your desire to find out the truth. 

Maybe it's because I'm such a big mouth, but you can demand to see the reports from all three juristictions and compare notes.  Just don't accept no for an answer.  It's a lot to take on yourself, though.  And, it is exhausting and emotionally draining.  My sister took on the government (military) and became a spokesperson for a group of parents whose children had died questionable deaths.  Laws were changed because of her involvement.  However, she never did get to the bottom of her own son's death. 

Betsy - It was good to see Rich's face this morning.  I am always saying something and wishing I would have kept my mouth shut.  But, if you shouldn't have to tip-toe around your words with your counselor.  I'm sure she understands you didn't mean anything directed at her. 

Before Stephanie's death, I didn't quite realize just how many people I know who have lost a child.  Now, I realize there are so many of us.  One thing Stephanie's death did was make me more sensitive to others' losses.  I've discovered I am also more respectful of others' pain.  I don't try to fix it, I just understand.  I think a counselor would also understand. 

Well, I think I'm through spouting my wisdom.  :? 

Loving you all!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  wishing you the best with your conferences...I think that each parent thinks of themselves as the "only" ones you are talking to...they don't realize that you are doing this x 24...I am sorry that you have "difficult" ones to deal with...but I know that if there is anything good that these children can take from life, they will find it with you. 

Lorri:  Beautiful pics...have you tried to "take the red out?"  The one with you all at the b'day dinner is just awesome...can't believe that is your Kody, he looks totally different.  A few pounds, a few feet and longer, curlier hair makes a huge difference...  The "surreal" you mentioned...so true, so true, for each of us...a new world, we are walking around in a fog most of the time, living a surreal existence. 

Yes, Kathy, this is a site of saving...saving us all, keeping us going one day at a time.

Betsy:  I can imagine how you feel about what you said to your counselor, but I also imagine that she has had it happen before---maybe not in those exact words, but still, something said that hit home with her.  I don't think she would mind if you mentioned it to her the next time you see her.  Perhaps you could ask her how it is for her when someone brings up the death of a child...  I've had the same experience with my sister...have mentioned on occasion (yes, unfortunately, more than once!) something or other about a fire and how bad it was, etc., and then realize who I am talking to (she lost some of her children in a fire).  I want to scream at myself, but that wouldn't help, either.  I've wished at the time that I could have said something like "I'm sorry, I was being insensitive," but this is the sister who hasn't spoken about it until recently.  I am glad that you have found your coworker, though so very sorry that she is in the same situation. 

Thank you so much to those who have left messages on Mike's web site---as always, it is a gift to see an email telling me that someone has visited his site and I know that someone else has gotten to know a little about him. 

This Sunday is my birthday...they tell me I am turning 65...I don't know what they are talking about....I just graduated from high school a few years ago!

Having another birthday without Mike here is like getting a box all tied up with pretty ribbons and having nothing in it.  Of course, I can't tell my family that...(I have been able to share it only with my hubby, because he feels the same way)...I don't want the kids to think that their love means nothing to me because Mike is gone.  I am so very grateful for their love, and the grands, as well.  But there will always be that huge hole...I know that you all know what I am talking about...  I know that my daughter Cathi is aware of it as well, because she has told me so.  I am very thankful for her understanding, and I try to make sure that she knows how much she means to me. 

I hope you all have a good day today...will come back later.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[zachysmom]

Just a quick update. Surgery went well they didn't find anything unusual. I am being discharged today whenever my hubby gets here. I hurt some but not much. Gonna take it easy today.

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  wishing you the best with your conferences...I think that each parent thinks of themselves as the "only" ones you are talking to...they don't realize that you are doing this x 24...I am sorry that you have "difficult" ones to deal with...but I know that if there is anything good that these children can take from life, they will find it with you. 

Lorri:  Beautiful pics...have you tried to "take the red out?"  The one with you all at the b'day dinner is just awesome...can't believe that is your Kody, he looks totally different.  A few pounds, a few feet and longer, curlier hair makes a huge difference...  The "surreal" you mentioned...so true, so true, for each of us...a new world, we are walking around in a fog most of the time, living a surreal existence. 

Yes, Kathy, this is a site of saving...saving us all, keeping us going one day at a time.

Beth:  I am glad to hear that you are doing okay...please take it easy and take good care of yourself.  My sister has had the same surgery, and she said the one thing that helped her the most was that she really took care of herself for those 4-6 weeks afterwards, and when she restarted her activities, she did okay. 

Betsy:  I can imagine how you feel about what you said to your counselor, but I also imagine that she has had it happen before---maybe not in those exact words, but still, something said that hit home with her.  I don't think she would mind if you mentioned it to her the next time you see her.  Perhaps you could ask her how it is for her when someone brings up the death of a child...  I've had the same experience with my sister...have mentioned on occasion (yes, unfortunately, more than once!) something or other about a fire and how bad it was, etc., and then realize who I am talking to (she lost some of her children in a fire).  I want to scream at myself, but that wouldn't help, either.  I've wished at the time that I could have said something like "I'm sorry, I was being insensitive," but this is the sister who hasn't spoken about it until recently.  I am glad that you have found your coworker, though so very sorry that she is in the same situation. 

Susannah:  Yes, the huge hole in our hearts has allowed us to become " more sensitive to others' losses."  I just wish we could have learned it another way...    I am so glad that you and your husband had your talk and shared your feelings.  You share a lot of love between you; you are blessed.  My husband and I will be married 46 years this April...time has slowed down the passion, but the love has grown with each joy and sorrow shared and lived through.  The rough spots have been many, but we have tried to be there to each catch the other when the need is there...  I believe this experience of losing our only son has brought us even closer together, thank God. 

Shelly:  So sweet to see your precious Rohan's face again.  It's wonderful that you are in the final chapter of the adoption process for Aikem...have a happy celebration party! 

Thank you so much to those who have left messages on Mike's web site---as always, it is a gift to see an email telling me that someone has visited his site and I know that someone else has gotten to know a little about him. 

This Sunday is my birthday...they tell me I am turning 65...I don't know what they are talking about....I just graduated from high school a few years ago!

Having another birthday without Mike here is like getting a box all tied up with pretty ribbons and having nothing in it.  Of course, I can't tell my family that...(I have been able to share it only with my hubby, because he feels the same way)...I don't want the kids to think that their love means nothing to me because Mike is gone.  I am so very grateful for their love, and the grands, as well.  But there will always be that huge hole...I know that you all know what I am talking about...  I know that my daughter Cathi is aware of it as well, because she has told me so.  I am very thankful for her understanding, and I try to make sure that she knows how much she means to me. 

I hope you all have a good day today...will come back later.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

Beth so glad to see your posting and sweet little Zach's face.  Take good care of yourself and let us know how you progress

 

Susannah so glad you did have your conversation with Hubby.  I really think the most important change that has come out of Stephen's passing is that I am able to say what is in my mind and heart and truly hear what other have to say as well.  A powerful gift, for me. 

Betsy  I have miss you and Rich's handsome face.  I understand the rehashing of conversations in my head looking for a solution.  I have found just talking about it and writhing about it helps to relieve my anxiety and then a common solution presents itself.  Just be very gentle with yourself

 

Carol  Thanks for your wisdom  Your marriage sounds like one forged in love and please do have as  Happy a Birthday  as you can.  I know about where did the time go  I too was only a teen a few years ago  this summer I will be 73

 

MaryAnn Rosie, Kim, Leah, Deneace,  Sherry, Sonya, Marcia, Trudie, Bonnie, Dee and all other Indigos take good care

 

Betty

 

Stephen'smom:cool:

[shellbellsmom]

Beth great news about the surgery...take it easy on yourself today. 

Betsy I wouldn't worry about what you said to your therapist...they are trained to deal with anything most have to say...she probably never even thought twice about it.  She knows what you are dealing with and knows it’s only been a year for you- see has had more time to process her emotions. 

For Susannah and Lynn; I too have been obsessed with knowing everything about my daughter’s death...I am constantly going on websites and reading stories, blogs and reports about cancer research and people's experiences before and during their illnesses. Sometimes I have to stop myself when I meet someone else who lost a child to leukemia....I want to know how they first discovered it, what symptoms they had, how their treatment went, and so on.  Mary Ann many times I have thought to PM you to find out all the details of Brian’s death since they were the same age and had the same illness. I guess I just wanted to know some if any of the similarities… haven't though because I wasn't sure if you wanted to share it and bring up all the bad memories as of yet.  I think for some there are so many unanswered questions we still need to figure out and want desperately to fill in all the missing pieces of the puzzle.  Even though it won't make us totally whole again it will relieve some of the stress or confusion of not knowing every circumstance  surrounding their death.

Wishing everyone a peaceful and stress free day and thanks to all who have stopped by and signed the guestbook on my daughters website- like Carol- makes my day to see someone paid them a visit.   Sue

[Guest]

Hi again. 

It's a different life, that's for sure.  I want to know the details of how my daughter died, EXACTLY....and then I connect with all of you for the similarities of grief.  I am so grateful to those of you who have been on this journey longer than I have so you can tell me I'm not crazy.  I DO think I'm using "grieving" as excuse for slothfulness.  I'm kind of enjoying it...the slothfulness.  My kids always called me a neat freak, and now I'm just so....not.  

Thank God for my patient husband!  I get done what has to be done but then I just sit, sleep, read and play on the computer.

I'm on facebook!!  I wasn't going to do it and then I was and then I wasn't and then I did!  I don't quite know how to work it, but I am enjoying finding friends and family I've lost contact with.  I'm under Susannah Thompson. 

Seriously, a different life. 

 

[bjsmom]

Carol- I never did mention how much I LOVE the ballgame pic of you & Mike. He looks like such a big teddy bear, but with a cool tattoo. My husband has one similar on his left arm.

Dee- So good that your husband & Jon are close and that he gave you your time. Bj's stepfather, my husband, has been around him since Bj was 8. From the moment they met there was an instant "like" & they became so close. This is so important to a single mother with children. Back in 2002 my husband & I separated for 6 months, I stayed in this house, my husband went to his mom's. It was extremely tough as I was pregnant with my youngest, working full time & taking care of Bj & Dane. We went though some difficult time's and that's when I noticed a change in Bj when it came to my husband. After getting back together Bj didn't seem "as close" to Jason, he would barely talk to him at all. Maybe it was the age, Bj was only 12, or maybe it was us, there were many arguments during that time but we did our best to keep them from the boys site & ears. Whatever the reason, it took many, many months for Bj to come around. I never understood this as he always acted the same with me but as soon as Jason would walk in the door he would clam up, basically go to his room. Don't know if Jason ever truly realized what was going on but a mother see's everything and this hurt my heart. His last remaining years they became close again, working together on Bj's truck & talking all the "guy shop" lingo; my heart was smiling. 

Susannah- Libido, now that's a word & a discussion that I've personally never seen on BI before, but it's a good one. I am 40 now, 39 when..., and have always felt younger than my age. No, not only acted younger but truly felt this inside. My husband is several years younger than me but we are actually very compatible; we will be married for 12 years this coming Oct. Of course, I would like to think our marriage & libido was great back when, but probably just normal. When I say everything changed on the morning of Nov 9th, 2008, I mean everything. For months I didn't want my husband to even touch me, much less anything more. If I even thought I saw "the look", my natural instinct was to give him that "you better back off" look in return. I truly almost hated him at one point for even suggesting "that" at a time as this. But with time, and because my husband is a patient, patient man, our love, compassion & devotion found it's way again. No, it's not the same as before, for what can be, but time finds a way. I do believe that with the loss of a child, many marriages just simply fall apart. So much is non-communication, feelings are hurt, emotions are fragile and most women, and also men, just need patience & encouragement by their side. We are all only human, and this need to feel & show love is completely normal....but sometimes it just takes time for us to return that show of love, after such a heartbreak. Hope my words have come out right, do not mean to offend anyone.

Deneace (BjsMom)

[Guest]

Deneace - Thank you!  You certainly didn't offend me, but then I'm the one who brought it up.    Perhaps I should apologize to the group??  I am appreciative, though.  It just helps to know I'm not alone  in this. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[shorty16]

ZachysMom

So happy everything went well.  I too had a hysterectomy in June of 2009 - Best thing I ever did.

The recovery was a B%$*h, but when it was done, I am so happy now.

Wishing you a speedy recovery.  Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[veronicasmom]

Hello BI friends.  Even though I don’t post much, I do drop in every day.  I need to be here today as much as I did in those early days.  For those who are new, my daughter, Veronica, died suddenly of a brain aneurysm at age 29.   October 17, 2007.   2 years and four months ago.  The first year, my pain was unbearable, the second year, a little easier.     Now, I simply cannot cry anymore.  Where did all this pain go?  I feel so guilty at times, but also feel empty.  Have I packed this grief away in one little corner, to then explode at some point in my life?  Perhaps when I’ll be in a nursing home, and scare the daylights out of my caregivers?  Not sure.  I brought this up at one of  my support meetings, and was told it’s because of how well I’m progressing.  Really?  At times I get so angry, that I take it on the poor souls that cross my path at a supermarket, office or while driving.  I still want my daughter here, still miss her every single second of  my day and still would give anything to see her one more time.  I just cannot cry anymore.    

[hotsauce]

hello EVERYONE

SUE, you can pm me anytime.  i will try to answer what you want to know.

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[mikesmum]

I don't want the kids to think that their love means nothing to me because Mike is gone.  I am so very grateful for their love, and the grands, as well.  But there will always be that huge hole...I know that you all know what I am talking about... 

Yes Carol we do all know.  Its been a hectic couple of days here in never never land.  Grandies back a school, Melissa sitting finals and Stevens house finally settled.  The lovely lady (I jest) that they are buying from has uprooted and potted for removal over 70 established plants.  She removed the clothes line.  She refused to let the kids measure up for gates and a fence till this week.  After delaying the settlement she announced it would be this Friday.  Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Will be having two shifts of grandies this weekend.  One so that Melissa and Jeremy can celebrate exams and his birthday - the next shift so Steve and Kelly can move.

We had a house full last night.  Impromtu visit from Mal's family.   His youngest and the eldests girlfriend play basketball together.  They dropped Dion off with the idea that only two were coming back for dinner.  Mal sat just staring at the TV.  Dion cooed and wiggled but nothing from grandpa..  I cooked and served dinner for 4 only to find the eldest and his GF thought they were invited too.  I looke at Mal for an answer and got 'I don't know, might have said something to them earlier'....

Another hard part of this nightmare is trying to work out what is grief, what is age, what is hormones and what is just bull shite.   Am I teary because of Mike or because my hormones are out of whack.  Am I tired because I have been in this altered state of being for 3yrs or am I just old.  Is my anger at my spouse normal or over the top. Am I supersensitive about not being able to handle anything or just a sook.

I watched as the 'McLeods' sat at my table and ate.  They cleared their plates and moved on to desert.  I sat with Dion.  It was like I wasn't there.  When I finally got my dinner half of it was gone....someone didn't realise I hadn't eaten.

I am so tired and angry at the moment.  Walking puppies, might need to be a long long walk.....

[shellbellsmom]

Doriana, missed you girl at the H. S-group.  You probably just filed away all your emotions to your subconscious self to avoid some of the pain for a while.  Somehow you think that enough time has passed and you need to keep it all in, but believe me they will come out....and when you least expect them to.  You may not even realize what will trigger the tears.  I had a period like that...and then I guess I couldn't hold them in any more and then experienced a major melt-down.  It's probably normal to have periods like this....and don't feel guilty we are all new to this grief journey and walking down an unknown path.  You are not over this....believe me, none of us are. Maybe our days become a little easier and the pain a little softer but we will never get over the loss of our child. So, you will always grieve for losing your precious Veronica...some days with tears, and others without.  We need to go out again to chat....Take Care, Sue

[Guest]

[Guest]

[veronicasmom]

"Another hard part of this nightmare is trying to work out what is grief, what is age, what is hormones and what is just bull shite.   Am I teary because of Mike or because my hormones are out of whack.  Am I tired because I have been in this altered state of being for 3yrs or am I just old.  Is my anger at my spouse normal or over the top. Am I supersensitive about not being able to handle anything or just a sook."

 

I second that.  D.

PS  Any time, Sue.

[Guest]

I apologize for coming across so flippant, Trudi.  I know it can be so frustrating. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

Stephanie - Frustrating, debilitating, destructive and depressing.  I try to move forward yet am either too tired or too lost.  My abilities and resilliance are adhoc.  Things that were second nature are now foreign. 

Grandies care is remote control....I just know how to do that.  But once they are gone - I'm lost.  If I do it too long I am fatigued beyond belief.

My psych says I present well....he asked if there was ever a time when I don't present as someone be that someones mum, wife, daughter, sister etc.  You know there is but I have to be alone - I can't just be in company.  Like an actor, once the lights are on I present.  I did catch a glimpse of someone.  No black humour to hide behind, raw, open no role as such to play ....I was out walking.  It would have been about midnight, steamy night, light rain fell.  There were frogs......

I pour my thoughts out here, not necessarily looking for the answer, just wanting to say out loud what is screaming in my head....Thanks for the venue!

[Guest]

Trudi - I do sincerely apologize.  I thought I was being funny.  But, only because I relate so totally.  I didn't mean to minimize your feelings or take away from the safety of being able to express ourselves freely in this forum.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Okay, a parent was supposed to be here a half hour ago, I am leaving, have to go to a wake, an old woman that I never did meet, the mom of one of my brohers-in-law. I am going out of just supporting them, they have come to the many wakes and funerals of my family members. This is Husband's sister's husbands mom. She lived a very long life.

Did I miss something Susannah? I don't see what you may have said here that worries you?

Betsy, I really don't think you should worry about what you said to the therapist, she is after all, a therapist. She knows how saying something has often no bearing on her own loss. She probably gets that better than most.

Once, I went into a shop in town where I had not been for a long time. So the owner had a baby die oh, 18 years before, we had talked about that when her baby left.

So she asked me how my Daughter was? I thought, oh goodness, this will upset her, but I can't lie. I said, well, My Daughter was killed. She with absolute shock said, well you could hit me with a train with that news.

Oh god I thought, please don't let her ask me how she was killed...but of course she did, and I had to preface it with, don't feel bad, but she was hit by a train. Oh goodness knows she was mortified, and I wasn't. I wanted to help her out from feeling poorly that she chose a phrase to express her shock is all. Who could know that that was how someone was killed? So we all say things, we all get past it. We actually laughed and laughed, as I know Eri would.

So Betsy, I think that it is all fine with your therapist. NO worries what so ever.

gotta go,

love gang,

dee

PS. INTIMACY? Let's just say that there are many kinds of intimacy. Sexual intimacy is just one.

[arc4ever]

Been a while for me posting, and I haven't read for a while either.

My husband's cousin died last week - he was 52 died in his sleep.

The calling hours were Monday, the funeral was yesterday.  We had to go back to the funeral home where we had Adam's calling hours.  Let's just say it was not easy, but we made it thru.

A good friend of mine called she has been diagnosed with breast cancer - she is 45.  I am about tired of all this crap.

Just wanted to let you all know I'm still here and I pray for you all every day.

Love Terrie (Adam's mom)

[summergirl]

Another hard part of this nightmare is trying to work out what is grief, what is age, what is hormones and what is just bull shite.   Am I teary because of Mike or because my hormones are out of whack.  Am I tired because I have been in this altered state of being for 3yrs or am I just old.  Is my anger at my spouse normal or over the top. Am I supersensitive about not being able to handle anything or just a sook.

Ditto for me to Trudi...I do not know what is what anymore either.  Sorry about the "family" gathering and the lack of Mal participating...sounds like my house.

Another heartbreaking day but an actual break through at my job.....I was in the middle of copying some papers when I was slammed with the "I am going to melt down mode", I walked into the kitchen area and saw my friend Debbie and said I need a hug and the next thing I knew she was holding me up as my knees buckled and I was crying so hard and at the same time saying "I want my Jessie back", she just held me and then suddenly I was surrounded by 5 or 6 other's who work there all giving me strength, telling me it was ok to fall apart, they did not understand my pain but were there for me !!!! It is the first time since Jessica left that I fell apart without running outside to hide....it was a comfort to have the people I work with support me in a way that I did not think they would.  Today I am thankful for those friends....

I am in such denial with Feb 18 coming, what is wrong with me...it will be 4 years and there are those here who are so new to this journey and here I am acting as though I have not been through the "angelversary" before.....why cannot I not think of any one else's pain except mine....I am losing my mind I swear, they are going to lock me away in the padded room.....and I would probably like it !!!!

Tavian needs to read a bit and then to bed so I have to say goodnight. I am so trying to answer each of you but I am here and that is all I can do for now. Love to all of you. Kathy

"I BELIEVE THAT NO MATTER HOW BAD YOUR HEART IS BROKEN THE WORLD DOESN'T STOP FOR YOUR GRIEF"

 

[Guest]

Kathy - The world doesn't stop for our grief, but every once in a while friends are put in our paths that pause and share our grief.  Like what happened to you at work today. 

Please don't feel badly for being so low because you've been going through this for four years and some of us are so new.  I'm grieving being without my daughter for almost six months.  For you it's been four years.  Four years of you not seeing your best friend. 

We don't graduate from grief.  We don't get over it.  We have to live with it for the rest of our lives.  We go through the motions of appearing normal for the world's sake, but there is a large (much too large) population of us who know real pain and loss.  We are the ones who stand taller, talk quieter, look people in the eye and are not intimidated by their pain.  We know we've been through the fire of life and it's still mighty hot but we can survive.  And, when we can't stand, Our Creator puts earthyly angles, like your coworkers, there to hold us until we can again.

You're approaching the day of the most horrible event in your life.  I honor your journey.  I honor that day.  I honor your pain.  And, I cry with you!!

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

TRUDY I DONT THINK ITS U...ITS JUST LIFE AND OUR CRAPPY SITUATION....MEN ARE JUST DIFF AND DONT THINK LIKE WE DO..(OR AT ALL)...MONTY AND I GET ALONG REALLY WELL BUT SOEMTIMES I JUST DONT WANNA TALK OR EVEN BREATH, KINDA LIKE YESTERDAY..I FIND MY SELF SYING ALOT..AND SAYING NOTHIN...

WE LOVE YOU TRUDY...YOUR OUR GLUE...YOU KEEP US ALL TOGETHER...WE NEED YOU ON HERE..AS CRAPPY AS WE R AND SAD AND PITTIFUL ....WE ARE WHO WE ALL NOW ARE..

[ericasmom]

Terrie so sorry about your husband's cousin. I am holding you both as you had to go back into the place that held the service for Adam. I had to go back soon after Eri's  death too, to the place of her service, and 8 more times since. Itis enough already, I know.

Trudi, deep breath in, hold for three, release slowly, ahhhh, and a walk to the river? Will that help? I am sorry that things last night rather sucked. My hope is that today went much better.

I love you,

dee

[mikesmum]

Dear (insert name of whoever runs the department of only getting as much as you can handle).

It's 3pm Thursday 4th Feb.  Its supposed to be the most exciting time for Steven, Kelly, Zak and Jeya.  They have come through some heavy duty shite to get to this day.  Tomorrow at noon they are supposed to have the keys to their new home.  Finally, a 3 bed 2 bathroom, 2 living areas.  They have organised family, friends, sitters and movers for this weekend.

Steve has just called in.  The date has been moved to next Friday.  Something about paperwork gliche.  Funny, I thought settlement dates couldn't be scheduled till all the t's were crossed and the i's dotted.  No one is giving a clear reason why, some aren't even answering their phones.

I would ask that you just back the phu** off.  Let these kids have their dream on the day they were told.  It doesn't need to be this hard.

I thank you for your time - Have a nice day 

Trudi - Micheal, Melissa and Stevens mum............

[mpsmom]

Trudi, I am so sorry............... I wish I could fix it. 

I know if you could fix it , you would have already. 

HUGS for you and the kids ,

 Marcia    Bethanys mom forever

[mikesmum]

[user=24749]mpsmom[/user] wrote:

Trudi, I am so sorry............... I wish I could fix it. 

I know if you could fix it , you would have already. 

HUGS for you and the kids ,

 Marcia    Bethanys mom forever

Would love to wave my magic wand and make it better but the magic is gone.  Steve is 32 and wants to handle it.  Thanks for the hugs...hope to return it to you later in the year......

[mpsmom]

We used to have 'magical' powers didn't we....... .We "moms" ( mums) could fix just about anything and everything when our kids were small. 

Not any more -- it is so very sad.....

I'll be waiting for that BIG Hug in a few months.

Marcia    Bethanys Mom Forever  

[lostwoher]

 Trudi, if you find out where to send that letter you have my permission to add my name to it . Best of luck to the kids with finding some strength to not give up. It will happen for them, I just know it. I dont understand why so many hoops have to be jumped thru. We have jumped more than needed in a lifetime.

Im with some of you here on not liking February. Its Kayla's birthday on the 10th. The second time to 'celebrate' without her. Its breaking me in two. Trying to be happy for my son turns 25 on the 17th. Sorry to have to share the date Jessica :?. My mother's bday is on the 14 but that is a whole other story. I may TRY to call her but Im not sure. Will see when the day is here.

Just lost my train of thought ( surprise surprise ) so will chat later.  Wishing everybody well.

Lynn aka Kayla & Travis's mom then, now and forever

[mikesmomrs]

Trudi:  the magic was just awesome when they were little, wasn't it...even when we couldn't produce what they wanted, we magically steered them into wanting what we produced...it was also pretty good as the years went by, but then the unthinkable happened, and the "magic" went away.  I am so sorry for Steven and Michelle and Jeya and Zak...and for you, also, because I know you are in pain when you see them in pain.  I can remember when Mike was in the last months of his illness...I did a lot of magic then...baseball tickets to marvelous seats up close to the playing field and more games to go to than he ever would have imagined, a trip to Jamaica for the delayed honeymoon that they thought would never happen, birthday presents that he never thought he would see, gift certificates "magically" appearing from just about everywhere, including a romantic spa weekend for two; huge medical bills that "went away" after some phone calls to magical people, long-delayed insurance checks that suddenly showed up out of "nowhere" after phone calls to other magical people...but the one thing that I needed the magic most for, I couldn't find---the magic I needed to keep him here, well and living a long, happy life...I think the loss of our child makes us more determined to provide "magic" for those left in our arms, and when we can't produce, we feel lost and helpless...and those feelings are intensified by the searing pain of loss that has invaded our hearts and made us more vulnerable than ever...  Steven and Michelle's joy at finally moving in will be that much sweeter after this added delay, I'm sure, but for now, their hearts ache, as does yours in seeing their frustration and sadness.  Holding you close and praying all goes well after this last rupture in their plans and that things proceed to their being in their new home on Friday next, with all this heartache and disruption fast fading and being replaced with the new and wonderful memories they will make in their new home. 

Lynn, Marcia, Kathy, and Lorri:  Holding each of you close as, Lynn and Marcia, you both approach the day of Kayla's and Bethany's birthdays, and, Kathy and Lorri, Jessica's and Kourtney's angelversaries.  Reaching out and sending you all strength and love and comfort. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

My dear, dear friends,

Is it perhaps the beginning of another new year without our children that has so much sadness permeating our posts?

I don't say a lot but I try to keep up with what is being said ....... that black hole sometimes seems bigger and it's harder teetering around it trying not to fall in .....

I come here and to use Carol's word, I find magical words....... magical uplifting words of encouragement and love and support.

It's comforting to know that when we are down and when life seems unfair, we ALWAYS find someone here who understands the feelings that our hearts are bringing to the surface.

You guys are amazing!

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[hotsauce]

 

HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY     K E N N Y

 

PAM, hope KENNY sends you lots of love today

 

[mysonrich]

Flowers for all the Indigos today.

 

 

[lostwoher]

 BEAUTIFUL flowers Betsy. THANK YOU <3

Lynn

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Thank you for all your kind thought postings. I smiled at the memories of solving all the problems and then cried at the memory of the one problem that money nor I could solve. 

I appreciated your warm thoughts and the beautiful picture.

Thanks again, Bonnie, Carol, Betsy, Marcia,Dee,  MaryAnn and  Trudi for they truly helped me to start this day with  a feeling of connection to this world. Lorrie your honest share truly touched my heart.

Stay warm everyone I must run

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

 

 

[pknight]

Thank you so much Mary Ann! & all. Others for kind thoughts &

Words!

I will be on later. Going to get off some black & gold balloons in between the rain!

Love & thanks

Pam

Kenny's mom

[ericasmom]

I love you all Indigos, hoping this day finds you well and strong and finding some sort of respite. I so agree with all that has been said here, we are the family that each of us needed to find, and I am thankful each day for the magical ways each brings healing to each.

Today, at 7:00 am, 37 4th adn 5th graders filed into my classroom to share a newspaper and breakfast. We have a six week newspaper club that began today and will be each Thursday morning for six weeks. They are a breath of fresh air, asking important questions and finding ways to synthesize the news.

It was very sweet, and now my little ones are taking a reading test on a story called, THE ClOAK FOR THE DREAMER, which is about a young man who does not want to be a tailor like his father and brothers before him, instead, his dream is to travel the world. And the story is about how the Dad accepts his Son's differences and in fact helps prepare him for his journey by working with his other Son's to fashion a cloak that will protect him from the rain and winds that he will encounter on his journey. They used fabric that held the colors of the maps that Misha pored over as he dreamed of travel.

It is this same devotion to our Children that we honor who they will always be in our lives, imprinted in our DNA, the outline of each word and kiss ever given and received, make up the cloak that we wear to protect us. Each of us have stories of that Child and how they set out on a different path, one that we did not always feel was the right one, nevertheless, it was THEIRS. Pull that cloak around you today, all the stories you whispered them in the nights, and the bumps and bruises you kissed to be better, all the long nights waiting to hear them home, all of the times they shut the door out of anger, and the times they opened it again with their hope, all of it, the fabric of our hearts and souls, all of it with us forever.

Peace,

dee

[ericasmom]

PAM happy birthday to your Sweet Kenny, I sure wish I was home to do a colorful wish and large letters, but alas, here at school, my computer does not allow these offerings. So in large letters, a font of 8, and in bright colors, HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY>

A Day worth the moon and stars to your Momma.

Blessings,

dee

[hotrod]

Hi again  I am so sorry  Pam I almost forgot

                                                 

                                      HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY

REMIND MOM OF THE WONDER SHE FELT WHEN YOU FIRST SAW EACH OTHER

STEPHEN'SMOM:)

 

 

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Happy Birthday Kenny  !!!!!!!!!![/align]

[align=center]hold your Mom close today as she held you close on your first birthday. [/align]

[align=center]HUGS>    Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever [/align]