Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

[tanmanmymagicman]

NicksDad; always count of you to touch a mom's sad and lonely heart at this time of the year......Bless you and thank you for not forgetting my Tanner;; I am very touched......My Tanner is among so Many special angels....Love and Christmas Blessings to all; Tanner's Mom; Cindy

[ericasmom]

Hey Dan, have a beautiful time in the mountains, are you in the  mountains in virginia? I do  hope that along the way you have a deep sense of that beautiful Son, Nick. You are a wonderful father Dan, a loving man, you make so many people smile, Nick included. Thank you, and merry Christmas, and thanks for  those  really fine Christmas Trees. Nick makes a great tree-topper, angel supreme.

Lorri, yep Bridget Murphey died this morning and I was reading on one of the sites about her and read some of the comments from folks, one dude who calls himself RockHard, said, "age 32 and natural causes doesn't make sense, it will be interesting to see what really happened."

I wrote a comment back, which I have hardly ever done in my life. I said, Rockhard, or should I say ROCKHEAD, I know of several people whose Children died at age 31 and at 28, and one at 17 from Natural causes, so perhaps you should read a bit before you speak.

I get a bit fiesty sometimes.

It is very sad that she left at this early age, and I pray she had no idea but went in a fit of happy thoughts.

Yes Patti, is pretty amazing to see the many ways we support each other here. I will keep you in my prayers and my heart Dear.

Lyn it is lovely to see your Boy smiling out at us. It has been a long time so I am glad to see you again. Merry Christmas Lyn, hard one I know, I hope you feel a breeze in your hair adn know that it is your Angel kissing you on the cheek.

Susannah, our meeting in the summer will always be one of most beloved memories, we were so happy to finally hold the hand that we had virtually been holding for years, and to laugh and cry together, somehow knowing each other quite well, feeling an even deeper sense of family. Lovely, and Trudi, thanks for posting again. I love Harmony's little face peering out, her Mike-like features so perfectly pretty. One day Trudi, one day.

Love to all,

dee

PS sorry for all of my poor spelling tonight, especially in my over talkative post to Patti, I think I was rushed and found that not only are there many misspelled words, but poor punctuation making it hard to read as it was felt. Suffice it to say, we are here for you, whenever and however you are able to be here. No worries about what you add or give to this group, right now it is about what we can give you. We have wide arms and strong shoulders.

[mikesmomrs]

Dan:  thank you so very much for the beautiful trees showing our angels all together...such a thoughtful, loving thing to do...wishing you strength to get through this season, knowing that Nick is right there with you, all the way.

Dee:  "today,for the first time in these many Christmases, my Son and I bought a tree." My heart jumped when I read these words...I know that Eri is smiling at both of you...knowing that you each have come a very long way on this journey, and you have helped each other all along the way...I hope that the memories that setting up this tree evoke will bring you many smiles along with the tears that are inevitible.  Eri is holding your hand. 

According to the weatherman, tomorrow is when the days start to lengthen, leading us back into the warmth of summer...all of this snow will be a memory...likely many stormy days before that happens, but the promise of the warmth of the sun is enough to lead us through the cold, a step at a time.  Kind of like our journey...the promise of seeing our angels again leads us on, a step at a time...some setbacks/storms likely along the way, but seeing the glory of being with our angel again gives us strength to keep going. 

I hope you all have a good week ahead, culminating in Christmas on Friday...our angels will be sending their love to us, as they spend their Christmas in heaven, "...walking with the King." 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[heartbeataway]

Dan,

Thanks for including Jay.  Sweet idea!

Bonnie

[mikesmum]

Dan - You have such an ability - all our kids together - its something I take great comfort in, Mike keeping such good company.  Thank you.  Enjoy your holiday.

Dee - Same for me, when I read you and Jon picked out your tree - that's the one.  As for your spelling, go sit in the corner, the one with the comfy chair, rug, cushions and a hot toddy and stay there till, oh I dunno, maybe till you need another toddy. (lol).

I know that feeling when someone makes an 'ill informed' conclusion.  It used to happen even in the 000 (911) centre.  Taking them and shaking them till the rocks rattle around in their heads was something I contemplated frequently.  I asked for leave the day Mike was getting his pacemaker.  My manager said 'he can't be getting a pacemaker he's only 24'.  So tempting to say....pls ring the cardio thoracic unit and cancel, they must have made a mistake......Dumbass the game the whole world can play!!!!!!

4 more sleeps till the fat guy rides..............ho ho ho

[lostwoher]

I too am touched looking at the beautiful tree with the wonderful Angels. Thank you for including us .

Another hectic day/week of filling rx's, processing H1N1 flu shots, and bitchy people. Make it a good one Indigo's.

Thinking and loving you All,

Lynn aka Kayla's number 1 fan

[dannysmomma]

Merry Christmas to you too  Dee and to everyone here:)Tree is up,cookies are baked,presents bought and I know my angel is happy:)Something weird happened one morning not too long ago and I think this is the only place I can put this..I was doing some work on the computer,concentrating,no mind wandering when I felt someone touch my head and the side I felt the touch started tingling,it was cold,electrical at first then I got this really warm feeling,turned around ,no one there ,the 1st thought was Danny was just here,even it it might have been my imagination it made me feel more at peace in a way so maybe it was my angel telling me he's always with me.We made an ornament for him to put on the tree,probably make that a yearly thing.My boy,missing him a lot.be at the 1 yr mark in March.Anyways my wish for everyone this Christmas is remember the happy times and may those memories bring peace to your hearts{{{hugs}}}below is Danny's last HS ID pic that I scanned

[mysonrich]

good morning, I skipped the football game yesterday afternoon and had a nice time out to dinner with a friend. While she was ranting about work issues I was looking around and spotted a bicycle on the wall. almost just like Rich's. ( sports theme) and while I had one ear tuned into my friend I heard this. Not one of Rich's favorites but mine and of course he knows that. Some anger issues this morning but I keep hearing, not out loud of course, it will be ok.

 

[homeschoolmom]

Dan. thank you so much...my Rohan... 7 years old...gone...

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

 

[Guest]

Patti - Don't fret about the wrong name.  I'm told everyone does it when they get here.  They had to tell me that because I was doing it so frequently.  Even mixing kids up with wrong parents.  I felt like such a nucklehead.  Everyone was so loving, though!!

I'm glad you're still here.

[homeschoolmom]

Planning on using this on Saturday for Rohan...just sat here and wrote it...hopefully it goes over better than my jumbled, confused mind can see...

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]Rohan Anthony Barringer[/align]

[align=center]April 16, 2001- December 26, 2008 [/align]

[align=center]In the midst of precious life –there is death[/align]

[align=center]Though laughter allows our spirits to soar,[/align]

[align=center]Deep pain rends the fabric of our soul[/align]

[align=center]Arms used to hugging you…and tickling you silly[/align]

[align=center]Now merely useless appendages[/align]

[align=center]And a mother’s heart, still blessed to have had you,[/align]

[align=center]Is now altered, and grounded by your loss.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]As we twirl aimlessly on the stage of life[/align]

[align=center]The hands of time moving painfully slow[/align]

[align=center]The tears course a familiar path[/align]

[align=center]And heavy sighs, like the beat of a drum[/align]

[align=center]Tap a steady, unchanging rhythm [/align]

[align=center]While the maelstrom of emotions[/align]

[align=center]Leave me clinging to my Savior’s hand.[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[align=center]In the midst of the storm, an oasis awaits[/align]

[align=center]And when the sharpness of sorrow subsides,[/align]

[align=center]Comes the comfort of memories sweet[/align]

[align=center]For as the hues and colors of hope return[/align]

[align=center]I will lift my voice in praise to God[/align]

[align=center]And hold you as I did before,[/align]

[align=center]Heartbeat to heartbeat…into eternity. [/align]

[align=center]Preceded in death by his daddy, Jim; and sadly missed, though dearly loved, by his Mama, Shelly; step-dad Tony, sisters Brianna and Karyn, brother Akiem, and many other relatives and friends. [/align]

[align=center]We thank God for the gift of you, Huggy-boy![/align]

 

[hotsauce]

good morning to EVERYONE here.  i hope you ALL had a good weekend.

DAN, thank you for the beautiful christmas trees with ALL our angles.

you are a good man and very talented also.

thank you again

mary ann

BRIAN'S momdukes

[ericasmom]

Shelly, the words dripped from your heart onto the page and they are perfect. Your writing is beautiful. Lovely and heart wrenching too. The thin line of ache and beauty.

Be well Sister in this JOurney. Be as well as you can knowing that Rohan is always near.

Lyn, the sensation you experienced is one that I have had several times over 6.5 years, not often and each time special and wondrous. I am quite sure it is my Girl, and I have no doubt that Danny was there letting you know. What a nice young man to let his Momma know.

Betsy, so glad that you got out for a nice meal and especially glad that Bruce Springsteen in all of his glory sang to you, letting you know...

Carol and Trudi, I am feeling quite thrilled by the tree in the living room, the actions of theheart it took to be here...I agree, Eri is thrilled. thanks.

[heartbeataway]

It's beautiful Shelly!  Please know that I have thought of you so often. Bless you my friend!

[nicksdad]

[user=7435]ericasmom[/user] wrote:

Hey Dan, have a beautiful time in the mountains, are you in the  mountains in virginia? I do  hope that along the way you have a deep sense of that beautiful Son, Nick. You are a wonderful father Dan, a loving man, you make so many people smile, Nick included. Thank you, and merry Christmas, and thanks for  those  really fine Christmas Trees. Nick makes a great tree-topper, angel supreme.

Yes we are at Massanutten in Virginia. We went the winter before Nick passed and had a great time here many memories. We actually own 2 units got them figuring one for Nick and one for Britt when the time comes. Brittany has firends coming to stay today and tonight which is good she needs others around here her.

[hotrod]

Hello Indigos,

 

Shelly what a beautiful tribute to Rohan, your perfect little angel.  Such a thoughtful rememberance!!! Lynn, I was  so glad to see Danny and to hear that he visited you oh so gently .  Betsy That was a great decision to go out with your friend . Signs from Rich confirmed it.  You did mention that you and Stephen shared a love for Bruce.  My house was filled with Bruce and that song  during the Holiday season. Try to get thru the day holding the thoughts of your wonderful son.

 

Dee you and Jon purchasing a Tree was so special.  I am happy for you. 

 

Dan I printed off the tress that you designed and have them close to me.  You are very talented.   Try to enjoy your vacation and Thank You for being here.

 

Bonnie,MaryAnn, and Susannah so good to see you so early thanks for posting.

 

Today is an early Doctors 6 month follow up  visit for me.  I am sure I will get a pretty good report as I have stopped smoking now for 7 months (without too much anxiety and I have been sticking pretty much to my exercise routine).  Worse thing I have been doing is still not sleeping and being withdrawn.  Considering the Season that is understandable.

 

Stay safe all

Betty

Stephen'smom:cool:

[lolynbo]

HERE IS PRAYING MY DAUGHTER KIMBERLY HAS A BLESSED BIRTHDAY SHE IS 26 TODAY.....I LOVE HER VERY MUCH....I KNOW IM SO LUCKY TO HAVE HER...SHE DOES ALL SHE CAN TO HELP ME/ US WITH THE LOSS OF KOURTNEY....

IM SO GLAD THAT YOU POSTED DANNY ON HERE I HAVE NOT SEEN HIM ON HER FOR A WHILE...LOVE HIS INNOCENCE...

THE BIRTHDAY GIRL

[homeschoolmom]

I'm tired!  I have decided that for my own sanity, I'm putting the girls in separate rooms! That means I have to move my scrapbbook room from Karyn's old nursery, and condense everything into half of the  (barely-used) guest room upstairs!  Karyn's room overlooks the backyard and the lake, and just down the hall from our classroom- so it was perfect for me.

  Still, there's something to be said for being upstairs and AWAY from everything. It has an attached half bath, and that's all that's up there.  Hope I'm making the right move, cause that stuff is HEAVY, and Tony isn't here to help, and I'm too impatient to wait.

  Later I guess I have to go shopping for a new girly bed for Karyn, since Bree is attached to her top bunk. There is a chairback railing around the room, and now have it painted in shades of lavender.  Karyn is a pink girl, so I was thinking a light pink for the top, and a soft green for the bottom, and the molding left in white. Then I'll put some princess border and pics up, and voila!

OK...I'm off again...

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

[align=center]Happy Birthday Kimberley!![/align]

[align=left]And prayers for a beautiful, blessed celebration of your day![/align]

[align=left]Shelly, Rohan's Mama[/align]

[heartbeataway]

Betty,

Love the new avatar of Stephen!  Hope your appointment goes well.

I'm impressed that you quit smoking, especially with all the stress!  Good for you!

We have plans to come to New York for Thanksgiving next year.  Maybe we'll get to meet? 

Lorri,

Happy Birthday to your girl Kimberly!  She's back with her husband, right? 

Dee,

I've never cried putting up a Christmas tree before ......

This year of feeling the need to please the spirit of Jay has been sad and interesting. I do feel happy with the sad and can smile through the tears. We are so broken ..... our life is so broken.

But, we will continue to honor his place in our life the only way we know how.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

[mikesmomrs]

[align=center]HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMBERLY...HAVE A SWEET DAY...[/align]

[align=center]Love and peace, Carol, mikesmomrs[/align]

[mikesmomrs]

Sometimes I think perhaps I will not need to water this tree; my tears should keep it alive...yes, Bonnie, we are broken, but our angels provide the glue to keep our heart beating...we know they are here with us, especially through these holiday.

Lyn:  So good to see your Danny...that smile is beautiful!

Shelly:  Sending strength for you to get through these next days...the writing you did for Rohan is just beautiful.  Good luck with changing the rooms around! 

love and peace, carol  mikesmomrs

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, interesting and sad are good words to use I think, in reference to honoring the spirit of Jay, putting up the tree.  I am so glad that you have done this, and pray that you have a sense of him as you go forward.

Shelly, pink and green, sound great.

KIM< beauty Girl, happy birthday, stay strong and fiesty like your Momma.

Love to all,

dee

[lolynbo]

YES HER AND CODY ARE BACK TOGETHER (KINDA FIGHTN TODAY) BUT NOT MARRIED LIVIN IN SIN (AS HER DAD ROGER SAYS ...H'S THE IDIOT).

GOT MYSELF DOWN TODAY, RELIZED THAT KOURTNEY AND BRENT NEVER HAD THEIR 1ST CHRISTMAS AS MAN AND WIFE....AND SHE WAS LOOKING SO FORWARD TO ALL THE TRIMMINGS....I COULD JUST CRY...HURTS MY HEART...

AND THEN I GET MAD CUZ SOME OF YALS BABIES DIDNT EVEN GET TO GET MARRIED AND I WANNA KICK MY OWN ASS FOR CRYIN....IM SORRY...

 

[daniellemom]

Bonnie – The pictures are great.

Betsy – I’m so happy that the tree looks good for you and that is all that matters!

Sue – I love Shell’s tree. Do you leave it up all year? I believe I would. I call Burlington, NC home, it’s about an hour from Raleigh or 30 minutes from Greensboro.

Pattie--Kekoas (Chris) he sure is a looker! Please come and read with us and when you are ready to post we will listen to your stories of Chris. I so remember when the pain was so raw my prayers are with you as you move forward on your new life. Remember Kekoas (Chris) will always be with you. Forever and always!

Kathy – I see the orb and yet I still don’t have one! I’m mad! LOL Maybe one day!

Trudi – Your words are full of wisdom, thank so much for sharing. The picture of Harmony is beautiful! One day you will be a part of her life I just know it.

Susannah – I know Stephanie is so proud of you!!

Dan – You are a great man! Thank you so much for remembering Danielle!

Marcia – I know you take all of our children with you each day no matter where you go!

Betty – Glad to hear you are out shopping and in NYC that’s great.

Lyn – It’s great seeing Danny’s smiling face and glad he stopped by for a visit with you!

Cindy – Glad to see Tanner again also! He always brings a smile to my face!

Dee – I’m so happy that you and Jon picked out a tree!

Betsy – Glad to hear that you went out last night with friends. Sorry about the angry today but I’m praying for a better day tomorrow for you.

Rohan’s poem is so wonderful and you have been in my prayers this whole month with the dates of Christmas and Rohan’s angel date coming up.

We had Christmas at my mother-in-laws on Saturday and do you think anyone said Danielle’s name? Only Timmy and I said her name but that’s OK. Sometimes I think I bring her up there to upset them. Anyway my mother-in-law told my mom that Saturday was great and it was just like old times the whole family together!! HAS THE WOMEN LOST HER MIND????????? When my mother started to cry she did say she still missed Danielle. I guess that’s enough of me fuming, smoke coming out of my ears.

We were able to have the Christmas play yesterday afternoon and everyone did a great job! Of course I sat there and cried like a big baby like I do each year. The kids hard work paid off it was great.

I love each and everyone on this site if you post or don’t post. Merry Christmas! I pray that you will have sweet memories of your child’s life.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[hotrod]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

AND THEN I GET MAD CUZ SOME OF YALS BABIES DIDNT EVEN GET TO GET MARRIED AND I WANNA KICK MY OWN ASS FOR CRYIN....IM SORRY...

 

Lorrie your honesty is so very rehreshing.  You never fail to touch my heart.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMBERLY

You are certainly a beautiful young women!!!!

 

Betty

Stephen'smom

[briansdad]

Dan,

Thanks for the trees. How is the car coming? Need more pics.

Greg

[mikesmum]

Shelly - Your words, from the heart are beautiful.  I look at Rohan's picture and see that Huggy Boy you love so much.  Thoughts with you for this Saturday.

Betty - Well Done!  Never smoked, but appreciate the addictiveness and the difficulties giving it up.  Hope the Doc has nothing but good things to say about you!

Kathy - Yep thats an Orb. Jess just checking...probably got a giggle out of you being on Santa's lap. 

Lorri - Know what you mean.  There are times when I post pics of grandies or talk about Steven and Melissa that I realise how fortunate I am.   I love that magazine cover of Kimberly.....she is striking.  Happy Birthday Covergirl...

Carol & Bonnie - Yes there is no water shortage here for the tree.   After finding a decoration in a gift shop and blubbering through the purchase the tree is complete. 

Memories of Mike filling my heart.

After I decided to step up to the challenge of iPod/iTunes.  I downloaded several songs.  Old favourites and many from here.  I chose Remembering you from Steven Curtis Chapman.  Once finished I sat here with only the tree lights listening. First song....Heaven is the face.  Early I had put a link on Facebook, but I didn't buy it. Didn't download it.....then the lyrics played

Heaven is the face of a little girl

With dark brown eyes

That disappear when she smiles

Heaven is the place

Where she calls my name

Says, "Daddy please come play with me for awhile"

Be the best you can for today - draw strength from your childs life. 

Mike, butterfly kisses, she will know who they are from.......

[nicksdad]

I need to get some better pics....Still have work to do but it's getting there. Here is before/after

[align=left][/align]

[align=center] [/align]

[daveydow1]

 

           HAPPY   BIRTHDAY,   KIMBERLY !!!

Lyn----So nice to see Danny's smiling face.

Sonya-----Yep,....people do say the dumbest things sometimes, and it

hurts  the heart so much. All the gaiety, hubbub, and hilarity of the season

can get to us. The sorrow is always with us....always just down under the

surface ever so slightly, isn't it.?  Peace & comfort to you, my friend...and

strength from your sweet Danielle, in this season and beyond.

Shelley---Rohan's mom,.....Beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing. 

              Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

[summergirl]

HAPPY 26TH BIRTHDAY KIMERLY  

 

Just a quick hello as I am not feeling to well. No school today and my office closed so a long day at home. Baked some cookies, cleaned and now I am just so TIRED.......I can't even post because I am at a loss for words right now (unusual for me) but my heart is heavy and my tears are many.  I love you all, you are my inspiration, my saviors.  I am so glad to see your Danny Lynn....

Talk later, maybe tomorrow I will have a better day.  Much love, Kathy

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR KIMMYS BDAY WISHES...I TOLD HER ALL ABOUT THEM AND SHE SAID "TO TELL THEM ALL THANK YOU AND TO HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS"

WELL ME AND MONTY JUST HAD A BLOW UP....I DONT HAVE TIME FOR ANYONE..IM GOING DOWN MYSELF LIKE THE TITANIC....

[arc4ever]

My husband and I are WAY to dependent upon cable television and our cable has been out for four hours!  I am about to lose my freaking mind!  So instead, I'm going to take an ambien and sleep.

Goodnight all, Terrie (Adam's mom)

[mpsmom]

Terrie, I know the feeling, ..... Sweet dreams, have a peaceful holiday season, we are going away, i hope for 10 days, will have to see how the weather is..

HUGS, Marcia   Bethanys MOM Forever

[mikesmum]

The post office is on strike here......so much mail held up, so many Christmases on hold.....

One bright spot in my day, a heart covered parcel from many many miles.......

The gift inside says it all for me.....

"Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings whee out loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy".

Forget the Santa shirt this Xmas, I'm wearing RED SOXS!!

Carol - Two Mikes, just enough to keep it interesting up there!

Peace - Trudi

[shellbellsmom]

Dan thanks so much for remembering my girl Michelle- you got her on there twice.  Have a wonderful time up in those mountains.  Greg got the book today.  Thanks so much, looking forward in reading it soon.  Dee and Bonnie glad to hear the trees are up, hope they bring you to that place where you can relive the days your children were around to enjoy them.  Sonya love that area where you call home.  Beautiful country and we have several friends who live near you.  Yes, we keep the palm tree up all year.  Put it up the 1^st Christmas and it’s still up- this will be our 3^rd without my Michelle.  She passed away in July 07.  Happy Birthday Kimmy…..what a beautiful girl she is. Yes, many of our children never got the opportunity to marry or for some even have children.  For me not having her legacy continue for different generations is tough to swallow.   

Dannymom- wow a kiss from your angel, how special you must have felt.  Marcia safe travels. Terrie, we are cable (& DVR) freaks here too.  When our cables out, so is our phone, and computer internet…I would be lost too.  Hope you have a great deep sleep. Shelly what a beautiful tribute you wrote.  Such wonderful heartfelt words to share.  Betty, hope the checkup went well and congrats on the quitting smoking and getting on an exercise program. I don’t smoke but need to get off my butt and start caring about my health some.  Kathy hope you start feeling better soon.

According to the weatherman, tomorrow is when the days start to lengthen, leading us back into the warmth of summer...all of this snow will be a memory...likely many stormy days before that happens, but the promise of the warmth of the sun is enough to lead us through the cold, a step at a time.  Kind of like our journey...the promise of seeing our angels again leads us on, a step at a time...some setbacks/storms likely along the way, but seeing the glory of being with our angel again gives us strength to keep going.

Carol loved this....especially the promise of seeing our angels again.  If it wasn't for that how would be survive.

Picked up my sister and her two girls this afternoon from the airport.  My nieces (college age) were so pumped and kept saying its going be like old times.  They have everyday planned with winter/holiday activities that they assume the whole family will participate in.  I blew off my nephew’s advent program tonight but will attend the Christmas trees and lights display at our botanical gardens tomorrow.  The last time we went there we double dated with my daughter and her boyfriend the last Christmas she was alive.  My husband said….he’s not going, I am...just hope I can handle it. :X  NO, THE HOLIDAYS ARE NOT LIKE BEFORE….DID YOU FORGET SOMEONE IS NOT HERE ANYMORE.  The hardest part is when all the cousin get together and are laughing, jokin’ around, and playing games together.  She should be there too. 

Hope I can find the “Merry or the Happy” in Christmas soon.  Wishing everyone some peace over the next few days, and safe journeys for everyone who will be traveling .  Take Care everyone.  Sue

[Guest]

Hello Indigo's..

If we were all together, in the same room, this is one of those nights I would walk in and just want to BE with you.

I wouldn't have to explain, because you all understand. 

3 more days to get ready for Christmas.  It just kind of snuck up on me.  I'll pull it off.  I always do. 

This is our first Christmas without Stephanie since she died.  But, not our first without Stephanie.  Due to her drug use and/or geographical cures, she's missed a few family gatherings.  In many respects....this will be our first Christmas WITH Stephanie.  The real Stephanie. 

I probably sound so looney.  And, I can't help that.  I just know what has happened since she died.  I just expected people to believe me........well, the bird thing people believe because so many other people were around.

We had another bird experience last night.  Freaked me out.  My husband takes it all so calmly...he and my son in law, both, just matter of factly state..."there's Stephanie saying hello."

My oldest daughter had to remind me of the conversation we all had last year about MY death.  I had just buried my sister and my mother and they were worried I was next.  I told them if I was I was ready to go and not to worry I would send them butterflies.  Stephanie piped up and said she would send birds.

I guess she is. 

I'm going to become known as the "weird lady" who goes around talking to herself. 

Guess I had something to say afterall.

Nite all.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[dawnray]

hello everyone i just wanted to let you all know i havent been posting but i have been reading when i can. i am just going threw alot of depression to the point where i dont want to get up. the very little bit i have left in me i give to my son but i havent left i still read. i just wanted to check in and say hello.

 

                                                                                    Dawn (EJ`s MOM)

[Guest]

Hi Dawn...Ej's mom!!  Boy, I understand the depression and not getting out of bed and anything extra you have goes to your son.  For me it felt like a head on colllision into a brick wall.  It was then I found Indigo...or rather introduced myself.  I had been reading for a while. 

You will get wiser words than mine...but I know you will be welcomed.  And, I know they will say it's okay.  Do what you have to do.  I'm glad you're reading.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mikesmum]

[user=30061]dawnray[/user] wrote:

hello everyone i just wanted to let you all know i havent been posting but i have been reading when i can. i am just going threw alot of depression to the point where i dont want to get up. the very little bit i have left in me i give to my son but i havent left i still read. i just wanted to check in and say hello.

 

                                                                                    Dawn (EJ`s MOM)

Dawn - Sometimes coming here and reading keeps us connected and gives us just enough to make it thru till the next day.

I am sorry you are doing it tough, it really isn't easy.   PJ's are an acceptable part of being here....all of us understand.

Hope you find some strength over the next days......Trudi

[ericasmom]

Hey DawnRay, glad to know that you are still out there, that you still hang with us. I know the kind of depression you are experiencing, it is so huge, feels way bigger than you when it is like that. Are you getting any assistance with this depression? Do you feel a good therapist would be something you could do? I do not mean to always suggest therapy, but I do feel that at some point in the grief path, therapy is very helpful. I am thinking of you and hoping that somehow, after the holiday, you begin to feel a purpose that helps you feel a bit better about getting out of bed.

Trudi, love that saying, received it on a card one day. So pretty.

Went downtown today with 5 great nieces and nephews and my sister Eileen, (just turned 60) and two nieces. We showed the little ones the giant Christmas tree at Macys, and we window shopped and went out to lunch. A fun adn tiring day. Then Jonathan came by and we decorated the treee. HOw cool and it looks beautiful' We came across many of his oldest baby ornaments, and in our old traditions, we hand each other theornaments that we think that the other people want to hang up, so we were handing them back and forth. " Here Mom, that Suzy snowflake one that you love..." Stuff like that. Funny how even though we have not decorated a tree in 7 yerars. we remember the origin of the ornaments. The stories behind them. So many stories Guys.

Sleep tight,

dee

[tanmanmymagicman]

Sonya; thank you for the comment on Tanner's smile...

Its like this when I first found this site I was at a loss and had thoughts of going out to the accident site and stepping in front of a semi; I actually did a few times and would watch the trucks go by and wonder how full and heavy they were.

Then my daughter Kayla; who is 22 made a comment that if something happend to me it would be all over for her and I realized I had to stay and take care of her and give her support over the loss of her brother.  I still worry about her; I still have the thoughts but darn it I can't do that to my daughter or my husband in that order; my other children have families of their own and they would understand.

So I made it to this site and it has gotten me through the last 2 years; in fact I am simply amazed at how powerful some people here can be and the help  and  comfort to others with their great words of wisdom;  I mostly got all the words of wisdom and help and hung on to it; Some of you new mom's I just feel horrible for.  We do suffer so much in the beginning its like none of it can be real; I know its been said here all the time but YOU new life begins; Life before I lost my 16 old Tanner and Now life as it is;  Think I am happy most of the time but with sadness lingering underneath my skin.........I don't write too much because I am out of the loop with my words of wisdom and not sharp enough to keep up with everyone but this place is saving my whole being.......I love all my warmhearted(tears) friends here......My Tanner is with me always also my mother; they died 7 months apart.......Life never the same since then........but its no fun laying in bed either ; I can't sleep anyway..........I find joy in the day so by gosh that makes me smile....... Love to all; Tanner's Mom Cindy;

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

 

Dawn  and Cindy good to see that you posted. I really understand not wanting to post but reading and being helped.  I am glad you posted so we can mention   EJ and see Tanner  this holiday season. 

 

 I really need this group to stay sane and feel that I  am OK.

 

Doctor's appointment went well yesterday . The snow was nearly melted here in NYC so that the day was easy..  I appreciate the support over my not smoking and I  am just as amazed that I was able to stop as anyone. 

 

Trudi, I love the new Christmas Decoration and the advise to draw strength from our Child's life.  I do believe I have been doing that .  Dan loved the car and picture of Nick superimposed in the side mirror.  You are so talented,

Dee, your description of decorating the tree with Jon sounded so very perfect.  Yes the wonderful memories do come back and it is great to share.  I am glad you have the tree again.

 

It does appear that the closer we get to the actual Holiday the harder it becomes.    I guess it is  because I usually isolate, doing  my thing with one or two people that I trust but I have been socializing more and bumping into the same insensitive people that you all have found.

 

Bonnie I too have learned to smile through the tears as I honor Stephen but I was sorely tested last night.  I spent the evening  with a large  family gathering and saw many cousins and others  really having fun, and seemingly  ignoring the fact that Stephen is not part of the celebration. 

 

 I did loose it, picked on some issue that was not important and then pointed out the fact that I missed Stephen and the joy of Christmas felt meaningless.  I was met with blank stares and surface  expressions of understanding,  I left early and came here, read and felt connected and  then turned on my Giant game and felt OK again.  It is so much easier to be alone!!! 

 

 Sue, Sonya, Terrie, Marcia, Lorrie, Kathy, Carol, Trudi,Bonnie, Colleen. Betsy, Mary Ann, Beth, Leah, Shelly. Susannah and all other Indigos I do understand the missing that is always there just below the surface. and I want to thank you all for coming here, posting your hearts and understanding.

 

Have a good day all

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[shellbellsmom]

Greg just woke up, brewed some coffee and read the Christmas Box Book you sent.  Thanks so much... really needed to have my spirits lifted.  What a wonderful book and message it shared.  Plan to pass this on to one of my friends who lost her 3 year old last March....she is having a real difficult time- this her first Christmas.  Thanks again for sharing this with me.  Sue

[ericasmom]

Cindy, what  a very long way you have come, from standing on the road and wondering...to now enjoying the days and learning that there is a life for you to live. I am so damn happy to read this, and nonsense to you about not being quick enough or wise enough to post often, what you just posted will lend hope to all the Newbies that sadly find themselves here, as you once did, as I did. Hooray for you,

Tanner must be shouting from the clouds that HIS MOMMA is standing where he cannot.

Betty, I know what you mean about it being so much easier to be alone, no guise needed, no false conversastion. But the going out, the effort makes us more flexible, makes us more human I guess, that we see the many sides of life. When folks have no room in their world for our life changes, we give them a dose, or not, and we move on. One thing certain, whether they admit it or not, they think about our Baby because we wear our Babies on our whole selves. It is unavoidable and so I look at going somewhere I am unsure of as an opportunity to wear my finest garments; Erica's Love and Life.

IT is a snowy beautiful day, I just got home from a long walk where I wrote the names of some of our Babies in the white mounds, but as soon as I wrote, they were getting filled in, it is coming down hard. I love that the kids on school break get a day like this to sled and drink hot cocoa. LOVE IT> Jon and I are supposed to go out shopping, he put off his shopping till the last as he had so much going on with his snowboard trip, his car issues, and then to Detroit for his friend's sick Father. So, today is it, tomorrow, we go to my sister Mary Anne's house for our family Christmas. I guess I better wrap, though it isn't a big gift thing, this year, we simply buy a gift for those godchildren. Anna Lenore will unwrap two horse sets from me, she loves horses. She is 4. Laura is 23 and she will unwrap several goodies, shirts that she likes, some body lotion she loves...stuff like that, and then gifts for my sis Eileen whose birthday we want to honor.

Have a fun day All,

dee

[lolynbo]

WELL ITS EARLY AND MY MOOD SEEMS BETTER...SO FAR...DO HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS..

KIMBERLY AND CODY ARE GETTING REMARRIED IN CENTRAL PARK HERE IN ARDMORE...(ITS ALL DECORATED WITH WHITE TWINKLIN LIGHTS AND IS SO MAGICAL)....AND WERE DOING IT AT 12 MIDNIGHT SO THEIR ANN WILL BE CHRISTMAS DAY..JESUS BIRTHDAY...I THINK ITS A GREAT IDEA...OUR PREACHER SAID HE WOULD DO IT AND THE KIDS ARE GETTING THEIR LICENSE TODAY..AND YES THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED B4 BUT IT WAS THE SEPT B4 KOURTNEY GOT SICK AND THEIR 1ST YR OF MARRAGE WAS AT ICU OR NURSING HOME...VERY HARD TIME...SO THEY SPLIT AND DIV ON THEIR 1ST ANN DATE...SEPT 29TH...

KOURTNEY IN HER WEDDING DRESS...SHE ONLY TRIED ON THIS ONE...

[ericasmom]

Lorri, how very special, what a magical evening this will be.

Blessings,

dee

[lostwoher]

Kourtney made a beautiful bride in deed. Best wishes to Kimberly & Cody on their upcoming nuptials.

The darkened hole has swallowed me. The light at the end is a mere dot.

[carriebear]

Dear Indigos,

Hugs to all of you...

Lorri, congratulations to Kimberly & Cody, also a happy belated birthday to Kimmy...so glad you have some good news.  The park sounds like a beautiful setting for the ceremony.

Dee, thank you thank you thank you for the Snowman song...I've been listening over & over, it makes me cry also, but it's beautiful tears, if that makes sense.

Donna & I went last night to the Longest Night service, a service of remembrance for folks who have lost loved ones & struggle through the pressures holiday cheer, when it is so hard to be cheerful.  We had gone last year also, it is just so hard to believe David has been gone now two Christmases.  Time is so irrelevant in all this.

Cindy, Tanner's Mama Gama, I was really glad to see your post and Tanner's sweet face.  I think of him, and you, often when I drive the scenic route home from work, there is a neighborhood called "Tanner Woods", and it makes me smile. 

My brain is scattered, I'd like to address every single one of you, as I think of you all often and am grateful that David is in such good company with all the Indigo angels.

On the legal side of things, the 'civil' litigation is stalled in the mediation stage, we are in a bit of a stand-off...it is frustrating and sickening... I just try to stay positive, pray for justice, and be supportive to Donna.  What else can I do, in trying to honor David & stand where he cannot (thank you Dee).

For each of you, I pray you will receive the blessing of a sign from your angel, and know they are near, loving you always.  Hold on to a happy memory to pull you through the next few days.

Love, Carrie

David's Sissy forever