Loss of an Adult Child

[briansdad]

In my mind this song speaks to us in so many ways. I'm really missing my boy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zHKHiNTdYxM

[heartbeataway]

IT'S STILL SNOWING!  We are at probably 20 inches if not more ..... incredibly beautiful!

If anyone is interested, I have pictures of the FROG Christmas Workshop and snow pictures on my Facebook pages.  Look me up!  My email is in my profile.

[summergirl]

Hello Indigo's - we are having a BLIZZARD  right now, it is very cold, 45-50 mph winds and lots of heavy snow - it looks so beautiful as I stood at the back door looking out. Tavian was outside earlier when it was just starting, he is soooooo excited. My only fear is the electricity going out due to the high winds.  Our first snow storm this year and it is a big one......I was telling Barry earlier how Jess would have been here today to stay the night, watch movies, color and eat....every time we had a snow strom she came and we had so much fun......wonderful, tearful memories.  Will take pics tomorrow of the snow and post.

Susannah - love the "grieving chair" - you all look just to cute sitting in it.

I love all the pics that everyone has posted....so wonderful to see all the loving faces of our Angels.

Thank you for the posts to Tavian - I printed them out and will show him tomorrow as he will be over excited if I show him tonight. He sometimes sit by me as I am here and asks about each pic he sees, wants to know why they went to Heaven and when, if they know his mommy......he gets emotional when he see's the "younger Angels", gets a sad look and asks me why......it is hard to explain it to him but I do my best.

Greg - thanks for the song, it is one of my favorite and I know how much you are missing your Boy....

Dee - I could not open the song you put on.....sometimes it works and sometimes not.

Trudi - love the words you wrote to the woman who has lost her husband....you are amazing as always. Love those grandies and the friends. I would have taken Muttley too....he is one super little doggie!!

Sue - wow, rum and coke and then long island ice tea's......about that time NOTHING would have stopped me from going right up to FF and letting it out.....you have not offended me in the least....I have not had to go through having to deal with that type of situation and I am so sorry for you and anyone else who has....the anger we have inside, we try to forgive but we never forget and sometimes forgiveness just doesn't happen.  I hope the day comes when you do get to see FF and say what you want but proud of you that you held it in for the the people you were with.  It amazes me that there are doctors out there like that.......I always believed that doctors in any field would have compassion, this one needs to go to jail or better yet maybe he should be in one of those beds and have all those things done to him and we can tell "jokes" while he suffers!!!!!!!!!!  Sorry, I do not mean to wish ill things on people but this is an exception.

Yes, crying released alot of what has been building in me for some time. I seem to go for long periods of time where I just cannot cry, it makes no sense but then nothing does......so when I cry I cry to the point of almost collapsing from the intensity of it. I have feeling that some of those snacks I made had tear drops in them !!!!

To all I have you I have missed I think of you.....hard to keep up with all posts but do my best. Love you all.

Tavian is yelling for me so I will say good night. I will post a few pics I took today.

Peaceful dreams my friends. Kathy 

[summergirl]

Tavian - our first snow, just beginning.

[summergirl]

Me and Santa - whoo hoo

[summergirl]

Tavian and I - I am always behind the camera so this is special;)

[summergirl]

Tavian and Gabby - she has a little crush on Tavian - too cute

[summergirl]

Tavian and his good friend - they have been in the same class since kindergarder.

[mikesmum]

Kathy - Whooo Hoooo  on Santa's knee, don't have to be einstein to guess what you asked for.....Tavian is growing so much.  Like Zak his second teeth coming in brings age to what was once that cute little baby face.  Em has just about all hers down and the transformation is unbelieveable...

I have been 'at the tree' since I first posted.  The dec's from years ago make it hard.  There are two knitted red bells amongst them.  Back in the late '80's Mike would visit  the nursing home attached to the hospital where I worked.  There he shone.  The elderly loved that he would sit with and listen to their stories.  This is where he learnt to knit the bells from one of the residents.  He would have been around 14. One is his one is mine (he taught me how) (lol)

Let it snow let it snow let it snow.....

 

 

[ericasmom]

Greg, what a pretty song. Kath, the snowy morning will certainly blanket the sounds and the scenery with sparkle. If you want, google Walking in the Sky from The Snowman movie. It should come up and there you can watch the video and listen to the most beautiful song. The Book was written when our Kids were little, so you probably have seen the book which is still a lovely gift to a child. I have given it many times along with the stuffed snowman.

Sue, I never posted I don't think anyhow, about the FF doctor. What a creep, what an ass, I would like to come meet that bad person and let loose. I admire the way you stayed contained when you realized that the big stupid bald head belonged to him, (and believe me I am only saying stupid and bald in the same sentence because Sue used that terminology, neither of us have an aversion to baldness). I really admire this and am surprised that he is still practicing with so obvious a terrible bedside manner adn a huge mistake in the treatment of YOUR GIRL. Did you file a suit against he or the hospital? I am also impressed to be drinking skinny pirates and long islands. I had two long islands once, many years ago, and I could not walk. Wow!

I don't have video of the holiday sing, but hope I will when my Son comes over in the next few days to download his little video camera here.  Until then, some not great shots of my kids and all the 92 kids with shirts. This was the second show of the day so some of the kids took their shirt off.

[ericasmom]

let's see what this one is...

[ericasmom]

Kathy, lovely shot of you and Tav together, and of you and Santa. Who is the Hot-Momma on Santa's lap? Thank you for posting your growing Boy as well, he is changing right before our eyes, and you tell him that his virtual Grandma, Lorri, is not going to spoil him, he will not stay up however long he wants as Lorri tried to bribe him.

Trudi, I know the decorations are giving your heart a jolt, but there is so much goodness isn't there? I may be in your shoes tomorrow if I actually make myself go get a tree. I am hoping to do so. Eri would be kicking me in the butt to do it. Seven Christmas' time for a tree again.

Greg, I know that you are missing your Brian like crazy and so I hope that you will have a dream/visit with him tonight. He loves you as fully as you do him.

[mikesmum]

Dee - You are so right.  I'm blessed to have grandies to help sweeten the day.  I'm seeing orbs in your lighter pic.....was this Eri's school as well.

Luck with the tree purchase........off to by tissues.....this suxs...

[Guest]

Kathy - There is definitely a family resemblence between you and Tavian.  Good looking people!! 

Trudi - I love what you wrote to your friend.  So wise and so true. 

Loving the pictures.

Would someone tell me how to post more than one picture at a time and how to put a caption under the picture.........thanks

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I don't know how to post more than one that is for sure, but when I add a photo on, and hit send, it always gives me back the writing page to post, so then I add a post, though I do not think it is written under the photo...

YES TRUDI< I have orbs and it is no wonder, indeed this is where ERI and JON both spent their early years, from age 5-12. She was there in all of her splendor, walking in the sky...I am thrilled that she shows herself.

Snow patrol, how is everyone on the east coast doing?

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

 

I live in an apartment complex  in NYC.  The maintenance crews have been working all night so that the paths are clear and the grass and trees look absolutely beautiful. TV reports about 10 inches about the City so I intend to simply go to Church, the Market and home for Football  Hope everyone else is as fortunate.

Carol, Kathy , Susannah, Trudi, and all other grandmas who love and care for your "grandies", you are all remarkable for the love and understanding you show.  In fact everyone who posts here has a level of compassion and warmth I have not found anywhere else.  Dee, Sherry, Betsy, Leah, Bonnie, Greg  and all Indigos, your posts touch my heart. 

 

Dee loved the picture of the penguins and Trudi, Mike in his formalwear looks so very handsome and sensitive.  Loved all the pictures and posting.   Sue I do understand your anger with the Doctor  I do believe you handled the situation very well.  I too have had  my rage at Doctors for their incompetence. 

 

A quote I read the other day said"Life must be lived going forward and understood in retrospect"  .  In retrospect I see, as Dee points out  Stephen and all these beautiful angels were so very loved all their lives and they knew it then and know it now. 

 

I will keep you all with me   today as I wander about the City, looking at the Christmas decorations and trying not to spend any more money and watching football.  Routing for the Jets today.

 

Betty

Stephen'smom:)

[rlolheiser]

I just wanted to check in and tell you that I have to quit coming in.  I don't know if I will be back.  I feel I know you all, and yet I don't know you.  WE just share the comon factor of our angels. 

My heart goes out to Chris' mom, and anybody else I might have missed.  This is a good place to talk about our babies, to talk about our problems.

I am just not in a good place, and I don't think I will until after the holidays.  I am not even doing to well in real life.  I am building a wall up against everybody, I feel it, but I can't stop it.  I am frightened, my mind tells me to buy a bottle, but I am afraid to do that as I used to drink to the extent of black outs, and right now that sounds good.  I can't get along with my husband, and lately I have been short with my boy, my mother is driving me nuts, and not one person speaks of JaBoa.  Maybe I am dwelling on her to much,  I feel like I am going nuts.. and I did that once in life also.  Guess I am afraid of coming full circle.

I can't list you all, but you have been a blessing to me...  Sue... I read about FF..  your a better woman than I am, I would have been in jail. 

I pray that God will keep watch over all of you and that you find some peace this Christmas and New year..maybe if I ever get back here I will have something positive to say....  I hope all our angels are dancing and holding hands, they know how much they are loved.

Leah/JaBoa's grandma

[hotrod]

Hi Leah

I understand the place you are in.  Building the wall, isolating, withdrawing wanting to make the world go away.  Please know you are not alone.  I found coming here helped to break my isolation and anger and finally enabled me to begin to post.  I visited for over a year without posting.  

Like Trudi said,  just sign on and post a smiley so me can see JaBoa and you will understand that and we will  think of her and that she is not forgotten 

We are all just walking thru this together one moment at a time.

Praying for your peace.

Betty

Stephen'smom:) 

 

[heartbeataway]

Leah,

You may come back and read even if you can't post.  Life with grief can become very heavy and the weight can be so overwhelming we feel like we can't take another step.

Keep trying!

This is the one place that you know there is understanding.  Why leave?

Pour your heart out with your keyboard.  We will be here listening with our eyes and reaching out to you with our experience and words from our broken, shattered hearts.

Just like you we teeter at times on the edge of the black hole that beckons ...... we try not to fall over that edge.

I will pray for you, I already have.  I will pray for strength and for the sweet memories of your sweet baby JaBoa to comfort you and bring you peace.

Love and Strength for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[daniellemom]

The snow has stopped and it's going to be 40 degrees today so I hope it all melts away today.  We only ended up with about 6 inches of snow.  We did keep power.  I hope everyone is staying warm in the snow storms up north.

Love all the pictures such wonderful memories for each of you.  The boys (men) in their suits Stephen, Michael, Rich so handsome!

Tavian is growing up so much he is going to be such a wonderful son-in-law for me! LOL!

Sue - I'm so sorry you had to run into DD you are so strong for not tearing him a new one.

Carol love Mike's tree.

Trudi - Glad you are having time with the grandbabies.

Bonnie - Stay warm and I'm so glad the foster party was such a sucess.

Talk to you all later

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[heartbeataway]

These are the Bell Ringers that performed at the childrens workshop.  So pretty!

This is the set up of the room before guests arrived.  We had craft tables, wreath making, gift area, a guest speaker, bell ringers, face painting, food, raffle prize drawings, and Santa.  We sure hope we dazzled the children!

Me and Santa

Susannah,

I go to Photobucket.com and download the photos.  Then I copy the IMG code.  If you want to copy more than one, open a blank page and copy & paste the IMG codes there. Then go to BI, and paste the IMG codes.  I preview, which brings the photos up and then click on the preview screen.  You can add verbiage to go with the photos.

Hope this helps!

Bonnie, Jays Mom

[mysonrich]

Leah, I have been thinking about you . I wanted to tell you that AOL.com has a really great music site and even if you can't view Youtube, AOL may have some of the songs that you read about here. This may help you feel connected to us and understand that you can rant about your mother,husband, the cold. We will read what you have to say and will not judge. Sometimes you may not want a reply, that's ok . I understand were you are. I also built the wall, isolated myself...Still do but, I came here and read. You may feel that a connection online is not "real", that we can't possibly understand your day in and day out life. We do. I do. . try to stick around ok?

 

Sue, I rarely drink. It just makes me kind of sick and I found out in my early 20's that drink had the Jekyll and Hyde affect on me. So here's the plan . I have a few skinny pirates, ( Trudi, you have me thinking Johnny now),  a couple shots of Tequila and when FF arrives I jump on his back with my arm around his neck and wrestle him to the ground. You can proclaim" I don't know that woman" but, be sure to show up with the bail money . Deal?

 

 

Betty, I miss the city. I miss the burbs. Being able to walk and shop or window shop, pick up milk even. I will be watching football today. Last week a great game , Eagles - Giants. Up till 1 in the morning but it was a good game. A co-worker will be at the Eagles game today and asked that I look for him. ha ha I'll do my best.

 

Dee, just a couple inches here. The roads look ok. Very cold and windy and I still have the dreaded hill out front and back. Courage!

 

Trudi, Mike has dreamy eyes. DID the girls just fall in love with him?

 

Susannah, Carol and others pointed me to photobucket.com . You can decrease size and crop and just copy/paste. Hope that helps.

 

Sonya, it is really good to hear from you and to see Danielles beautiful smile.

 

Last night I opened a box of Christmas supplies. I found 4 Hallmark ornaments, one for my son. I must have picked them at an after Christmas sale in 07. So, I don't know if I'll add much more to the tree, looks good to me.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

 

 

 

 

[mysonrich]

Bonnie, I like that Santa hat in the photo, the hat with the brim. Sounds like a lot of love went into the event, sounds like a great time .

[mikesmomrs]

Leah:  As the others have said...this is the place to come for comfort, understanding, and no judgment...if you can't post, at least read....you will see how far we come some days...some days some of us slip back towards the pit of sorrow that seems to engulf us, but others are here to help pull them back out again...this site is the hand that is offered...Our day to day activities go on, just like everyone else's, but with the difference that we can be in the middle of shopping, reading, dancing, walking, and our hearts will drop as some memory springs forth or some trigger brings about the tears and we dissolve into our heartache again...here, on BI, the understanding of how that can happen is here....we all are there, we all know each other's pain and journey, and the processing of those.  "Having something positive to say" is not a "criteria" for being here...you have already, sadly, met the only criteria for being here...   You must make your own decision, that is true, but please know that we will always be here for you...know that your heart is in good hands here...  Whatever you decide, I pray that your sweet JaBoa will encompass you with peace over these next very difficult days of the Christmas season, and beyond, to comfort you and help you make it to the next breath. 

love and peace,  Carol  mikesmomrs

[shellbellsmom]

Maryann wow 20” …glad it’s you and not us this time.  Sonya where do you call home?  My friends are stuck on I-77 somewhere in WV.  They have closed the road, and the National Guard is coming in to bring them food and blankets.  Be safe everyone who is in the mist of the blizzard.  Kathy and Bonnie love the pictures…especially the one with you on Santa’s lap.  Too bad he can’t make our real Christmas wishes come true. 

Love the family Christmas photo Susannah.  Christmas is magic through the eyes of a child.  Dee so glad the production was so successful.  The song (listened to the video) is beautiful and I bet your 3^rd graders nail it too. Betty must have been some of your posts, and seeing NY City on the news that made me dream of being in the big city riding a train….I was in a rush to get somewhere but can’t remember where anymore. 

Lorrie I sent an inspirational quote to Amanda….not sure if she will accept my friend request or not, but thought I would give it a try.  I also went through her posts and read her note on her surgery week….poor kid sounds like she doesn’t have much family support. (my son would call me a fb stalker)  Prayers will continue for her recovery.  Greg, thanks for sharing the video- watched it earlier this morning and realized we probably can only find Christmas in our memories now. 

Leah my wish is that you find some peace this Christmas.  Stop by and visit us now and then, even if it’s just reading some posts. 

Betsy- great plan…I have the cash already set aside.  I have often thought of sending DD/FF  a Christmas card with my daughter’s headstone on it, with the saying “ Happy F’in Christmas”, or “ thanks for taking the MERRY out of our Christmas.”  Will work on my anger issues tomorrow at therapy. 

Here is a picture of my daughter’s memorial Christmas palm tree and some of the ornaments.  I got a new “rainbow” this year. 

 

This is lit every night with pink lights- you can see it shining through our front window.

[shellbellsmom]

 Carol love your "red" ornaments you found.  Here are some of my favs...

These were made by Michelle.  The snowman one reminds me of Jason's Gingy...its seen better days, but so precious because it was made my her little hands. 

[align=left]

[/align]This one with her picture is my all time favorite.  I love her "all smiles" in her fathers teeshirt...the the pink shoelace is not part of the ornament. 

[align=left]

[/align]

And of course my Michelle ornament.  The two kids would always fight over who's ornament was in the front of the tree . They were always switching them around so their would be right in front.  Now, my son doesn't touch it. 

Wishing everyone some peace today.  Sue

[kekoasmom]

Hello everyone,

I originally posted a few days ago and have read so many truly wonderful thoughts I don't really know how to respond. Thank you all for your unconditioned support. I think the death of my son is too fresh, raw, sore, unthinkable, unacceptable and yes, even unholy, for me to write about him at this point. He was supposed to arrive this Thursday, Christmas Eve, to celebrate with us. I was so excited the day we got his ticket I went out and got some new things for Christmas, even tho I already have a home full of Christmas treasures. I've always been a Christmas person. This year not one Christmas item was put up in our home and I don't know if I ever will put anything up again. I was looking forward to putting up the train set I grew up with, and Chris grew up with, again this year to celebrate. It was the train set he would have gotten later, when he had children of his own.

Thanks to all of you, and to my cousin Colleen for giving me the site link and putting me in contact with Dee.

I'm not in a good place right now, and yes, I am venting.  I have questions with no answers. The CHP still hasn't given us a report, now more than a month after the crash. This isn't because they're still investigating, it's because their officer left for training, time off, didn't bother with anything, and didn't care enough to finish the job. The few instances when they did take the time to talk to me, his next of kin, one person actually told me he didn't have to give me any info because Chris was over 18. I can't even believe how furious I am with this agency that Chris' tax dollars helped fund. They wouldn't return our calls for one full week after the crash occurred and when the officer finally did, what he told me was incredulous: He had no info and was at a dead end because he didn't even know where Chris was coming from or going to. I couldn't believe my ears. This was the night before we left California, they waited until the night before we left, to return the calls his family. Not only is that an issue just because of their arrogance and insensitivity, but because of their stupidity. We knew all of those answers, we knew them for the entire week they didn't bother to call us back. We gave him all sorts of new information, people to call and interview, information that he should have been working on for a week prior. And after that, when we tried to check on the progress of the CHP investigation we were given the run around in which, again, no one would return a call until last Friday night.

I'm also stunned at the fact that on a busy California highway in the early evening, something happens to a motorist riding in the slow lane of traffic and nearly no one bothers to call it in. One person actually called it in at the time he went down, one other person called it in later. No one stopped. We were literally run off the road by a woman on her cell phone while driving up to the crematorium a week later, the day before we left. She crossed 3 lanes of traffic on the highway, didn't blink an eye while barreling into our lane and car while we honked, with my husband swerving, braking, and me staring right at her face yelling. Even a driver behind us came up to motion to us that she missed our vehicle by 1/4 inch. She proceeded to tailgate the vehicle my son was in, weaving in and out of traffic. We called her in after taking her license and have not heard anything concerning her again.

All I can see in my mind is some ass on a cell phone, or other arrogant distracted driver who doesn't give a damn about others, doing the same thing to my son. In a car you have a chance. On his motorcycle his life was ended while he transported his bike home to pick up his new car. It's burning into me, searing into me.

I might not be posting for some time. I have so much to work on, in myself, there's nothing I can contribute to the family here. I know I have to look ahead and see a life without Chris, and still be able to give it some meaning. If I don't, I won't be honoring Chris as I should. I must find a way to make my future positive, for his sake. He would not want me to suffer, he would not want my husband to suffer, his girlfriend to suffer, or anyone else.

I'm going to post a few photos, I guess because I want the world to see, to know this beautiful soul, like all of yours, that left this world far too soon.

Thank you all for listening. I hope your holiday season is as wonderful as it can be.

I did just read "rlolheiser" post and I sincerely hope you can allow yourself to go to the depths of despair, which I have been told by my grief counselor I must do to recover, and not return to drinking to soothe the pain, however tempting that might seem to you now.

The photo below was taken the day my little bug left to move to California, all packed up in his Budget truck.

Love to all,

Pattie--Kekoasmom (Chris)

[kekoasmom]

Never have I seen a better Jack Sparrow than Chris in his Halloween costume! He loved the movies Pirates of the Caribbean and watched them several times in a row to get the speech and mannerisms down perfectly for Jack Sparrow!

[Guest]

Patty - He looks just like Jack Sparrow!  What a fun memory.  You look so happy, too.  Proud Mom.  I'm glad you are still visiting us.  As they told me, post when you can.  I love that there is no pressure. 

There are so many stories of insensitivity by the professionals on here.  I feel fortunate that the sherrif's deputy and the coroner have been nothing but good to me.  They have answered my questions each time and invited me to call back when ever I feel the need...even months or years down the road. 

Leah - sending prayers and understanding to you.  I came later, so I don't know your story, but I want to know.  Perhaps when you are ready.

I have a headache and am going to take a nap. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[summergirl]

Leah - to see your beautiful JaBoa brings a tear and a smile to my face, I pray that you continue to come here even though you feel you have nothing to offer.....there is nothing we expect from you, we are here to listen, to support, to bring some comfort to YOU....we all understand the place you are in for we too have been there and there are days when we still are, when the walls come crashing down around us, when the anger takes hold, when we cry for what seems like forever, when we believe no one understands......we do my friend, we do.  I have been here for over 2 years now and there are times when I feel as though I have nothing to offer anyone, when it is all ABOUT ME and that is ok....we ask for nothing from you except to be here for you, to help you when it seems like there is no one else understands the grief in your soul.....do not under estimate your strength for when we are at our lowest point we find a stength inside that pulls us back up.  We will speak JaBoa's name even if you stay with your decision to not come back here....we will always keep you both in our prayers and thoughts. I pray you stay but respect your decision if you choose to let go.

Patti - so wonderful to see your handsome son.....Jack Sparrow, oh my he did a fantastic job --- looks just like him!!!!    The anger you are feeling is so understandable....I did not have to go through anything like that so I can not tell you that I understand fully but I know about anger as many of us here do.   I also have a son who is 32 and lives in Iowa and we have Jessica's son Tavian whom we have full custody of so I can not imagine losing an only child, I am so sorry. I sometimes feel as though I should not talk about Tavian so much as it is painful for those who will not see the day of grandchildren but I need all to know that although Tavian is such a blessing he is not our daughter and no one can ever take her place.  Not doing Christmas is also understandable, many of us here wish we could sleep right through it but it is not to be in many of our homes.  I pray that you find a little peace and comfort.

Thank you everyone - yes Tavian is growing out of that baby face boy he was, I look at him and I sometimes cry as he is growing so quickly and I am not ready for that. Those 2 front teeth...too cute....the 2 side ones are breaking through now and I can only imagine the difference when they are fully in.    Oh yes, sitting on Santa's lap was a bit fun and more so because I know him.....he asked if I had been a good girl and I of course said "most of the time"......I am so used to being behind the camera that it is strange to see me in a picture.....I always look at my eyes - they do not have the shine they once did.  Pics of Tavian and me are a treasure.

Well, we have survived the 2 foot of snow....spent about an hour digging out from the back door to the driveway.....then Barry used his truck and 4 wheel drive to pack down the driveway.  Our friend showed up and plowed the rest thank goodness... I am getting to old to be shoveling any more;)   I took some pics so will post them later.   Tavian is outside once again after coming in and warming up for a couple of hours, it is cold but the little ones do not seem to mind it.

Peace my friends, Kathy

 

[summergirl]

CAN YOU SEE THE ORB !!!    TAVIAN MADE THE BELL NECKLACE I AM WEARING.

[lolynbo]

WELL SWASHMYBUCKLES....HESSSSSSSSSSSSSS HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

[daveydow1]

Patti--(Chris' mom.)-----I so understand your anger, disbelief, and sorrow

surrounding the untimely death of your dear son. Many of us here have also

had bad experiences with law enforcement, officials, and others who are paid

to give us information. It is indeed maddening when one cannot get the answers

that are deserved. This time in your grief journey is so very very fresh....it is

entirely understandable that you may not be able to read/post. Don't worry

about venting your feelings here. Everyone here knows the frustration that

goes along with the roller coaster of emotions. As Trudi said....sometimes the

weight of the sorrow can be overwhelming. Please come back to BI whenever

you can. Indigoes care about each other, and wish to help in any small way that

is possible. Peace be with you.

       Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

 

[mikesmum]

I feel I know you all, and yet I don't know you.  WE just share the comon factor of our angels. 

Leah - 1st Jan 07 I thought my life was sooo goood.  I had an amazing family, friends, new husband, good health and a job I was going to do till they dragged me away.  On the 18th my world was shattered and nothing would ever be the same.  I didn't recognise myself and worse, the world I had lived in no longer made sense.  The expectation to accept and get over it, get on with it made life hard.

As Bonnie says, life with grief can become very heavy and the weight can be so overwhelming we feel like we can't take another step. I found this site and I could breath.  The weight of my grief shifted by the unconditional love and support of these 'strangers' who knew me without knowing me.

In July this year I took a step and flew to meet these 'earth bound angels'.  There was a fear by my family that I would be 'lost' in MN depressed and alone with 'strangers'.   How wrong they were...

There were achievements - the picture boards of all the angels here, made late into the night. There was the sharing of videos of our kids that until then we had been unable to watch. There was a fear of flying overcome, a reconnection with 'shopping' that had stopped with the loss of a beloved child. We had more in common than just losing our kids, we ourselves had stopped living.

The love and support found here allowed us to take that next breath, that next step and remember our kids,  Living  to honour them.

These pictures are from that time..

This was our circle of hope..

Picture board making in Marcia's room which became 'HQ".

Our kids

   

I think this was first time we all came together......From left to right..

Carol (mikesmom), Dee (ericasmom) Bonnie (heartbeataway) Colleen (shorty16) Marcia (mpsmom) Trudi (mikesmum) me.

If you feel you need a break or just time away pls know you are not alone in those feelings.  But remember,when you need to talk, vent, or just be we are not just connected by our kids, but by the compassion that grows from knowing.....

Take Care Trudi

[mikesmum]

I have so much to work on, in myself, there's nothing I can contribute to the family here. I know I have to look ahead and see a life without Chris, and still be able to give it some meaning. If I don't, I won't be honoring Chris as I should. I must find a way to make my future positive, for his sake. He would not want me to suffer, he would not want my husband to suffer, his girlfriend to suffer, or anyone else.

Patty - Pls don't think you have nothing to contribute to the family here.  On a light note there is that pirate pic and that bought smiles and whooooo hooooo to those who might have been having a really dark day. 

None of our kids would want us to suffer, but you know we do and those who loved them do to one way or another.  Finding the strength to live a positive life can be hard, but should you ever need we will be here for you.  

Part of being here is remembering that our kids are more than just that one day that changed us forever.   There is so much more to who they are and what they bought to the world......

Take Care.....Trudi

[mikesmum]

Just thought a pic of Harmony was in order....sorry its one I have posted before, but you know I don't have any more recent.   This was June 07.  She's now 4!!

hey Mike....she's gorgeous

[shellbellsmom]

Trudi thanks for sharing those "BI reunion" pictures from last year.  Looks like a good time with some wonderful ladies who share a special bond from worlds apart. 

Here is a video that not only hits home for us, but can fit anyone who is missing a special someone this Christmas and its sung by Steven Curtis Chapman.  Hope you enjoy. "Home For Christmas"

My favorite lyrics; And as we sing ‘Joy to the World’ I can’t help thinking
Of the joy that’s shining in her eyes right now.
And though our hearts still ache, we know that as we celebrate,
She’s singing with the herald angels and heaven’s glowing on her face

Time to wrap some more gifts..... Sue

Open your presents at Christmastime but be thankful year round for the gifts you receive. ~ Lorinda Ruth Lowen

[mikesmum]

We were just a representative of this entire site......each child's name was said out loud.......

Love the clip, the words so true......

[Guest]

Trudi - Harmony is just precious!  Thank you for posting the pictures of your Indigo reunion this summer.  Pictures of hope, compassion and healing.

Patti - Woohoo!!  Chris is some looker!!  Jack Sparrow, himself.  This is all new to me, so I am the last person to be saying much...but, I think you're doing fantastic, all things considered.  Chris' strong, spiritual presence is obvious.  I believe he has guided you here and will continue to guide you. 

Leah - No words.  Just love.  I came later, so I don't know your story, but I'd like to know.

A dear friend of mine said to me, 18 yrs ago, after my nephew successfully took his own life....."If you have not completed what God has sent you here to do, He/She will interfere with your death.  If you have completed what God sent you here to do, nothing can keep you here." 

It is also my opinion that grieving is a spiritual law.  There is no way around grief except through it.  It's ugly.  It's dirty.  And, it's an opportunity for the miraculous. 

Our children are not dead!  They still live.  They have shed their physical shells, but their spirits live on.  Their personalities still grow and excell.  They are ever present in our lives.   

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Just came up to my computer, just read two pages and I will hope to respond accordingly, so if I forget someone, it has nothing to do with anything more than an old woman's (me) lack of memory. I wish I could load more on like a computer, but alas...

Patti, I am happy that your cousin Col,shared our little home here, and you have my personal email as well, so please use it as you like. I know that it feels right now that you have nothing to give, but you needn't give anything, let us give to you. I think that if you come to read and see the ways that others react and respond to the world as they find their footing in this grief world, you may feel less like you are out there without a ship, floating in a sea by yourself. I mean, essentially we are on our own as far as being alone with our ache, but coming here has been a life line to many, me included. I came here initially about5 or so months after Eri was killed, and stayed for a long time adn then had to leave. I was dealing with some local deaths of my peer and of my kids' and I went through some PTSD. That sent me back into therapy, (went from 6mo. after death for 2 years) and stayed for about 18 months more. I got a handle of the PTSD and found my way back here, feeling like a stronger human for all the time adn effort that went into living a good life. I felt I could be of service here as well as learn from the others here and continue to heal. You are very new to this place in life. I give you a ton of credit for coming so early on, and only wish I could promise that the road isn't bumpy, but it is, sounds like you know that though, and your therapist is correct, the only way to really fully deal with grief is to go through it. THROUGH the tangle that is in that path, but you will and as you do, you will be honoring your Sweet Son Chris. He will stand with you and alongside you knowing that your grief is a testament to your love- but that you are facing it will make him very proud.He will want you to do all that is necessary to make sure of yourself so that one day, you will stand in the sun again and be able to remember and smile. YOu will still cry, we all do, but to smile deeply is an amazing thing, it comes with work and time. I do understand if you feel you cannot stay, that maybe one more thing to deal with might just be too much, but we are here for whenever you are here, so if you go away for a time, come back adn let us know how you are.

Chris is so very handsome, and seeing your photo let's us all know where he gained his good looks. YOu are so very pretty. I love him as a pirate, what a truly great incantation of Jack Sparrow.

As far as Christmas, this is our 7th without the Girl of my Dreams, and today, for the first time in these many Christmases, my Son and I bought a tree. We went out together and in about 5 minutes at the first place we went, found a tall balsam that is deep green and very full. We loved it that quickly. WE laughed when we just went, "that's the one." I guess when you don't do Christmas for this many years, you see what you want fairly easily. So you can see, there is no rush to doing Christmas again, never knew until today if i would do a tree again. So, as we all do things in and out of our days that help us to find our steps, know that we are here, laying our footprints in the path for you and all those that will also find themselves here, so that you can find your way on especially dark days, we will guide you and hold your hand and soak up your tears, we will not judge you or hurry you. We are simply here for the companionship and support and genuine love we find in this family. Hating the reason we are here, but loving the partners.

Leah, the same goes for you, you needn't have anything good to say to be here, no initiation fee needed, there sometimes is nothing good to say. The wall you are building might be better left not fully built if you stay here, perhaps we can assist in your finding ways to allow others in your world. Depression can take over, are you seeing a counselor? You are dealing with the failing health and caretaking of your Mom on top of the worry you have for your children while raising your little one. Finding yourself in all of that has got to be hard. We are here, and remember, we have all been in a similar mindset as you are right now. Don't get the bottle Leah, it will only add to this and make it very hard to raise the Little One. JaBoa is safe, she is loving you, and she wants you to find ways to stand strong again one day.

Peace in all you do.

Bett, so glad that you are out roaming the beautiful landscapes of NYC. Central Park looked like a magical scene on the news today.

Love to All,

dee

[nicksdad]

We are in the mountains for a bit, not sure if coming home before Christmas or not...Guess trying to find things to do, places to go etc to just get thru the holidays....

But, made these with the thought that we want all "our" children to be together for the holidays....I am hoping that I did not forget anyone. I went thru 90 pages of post just to make sure I got all the avatar's. If I missed one let me know and i'll fix it asap.

If someone would like one changed for their child let me know and it will be done.

[kekoasmom]

Thank you Kirksdad! What a wonderful photo, and how great to see my son on your tree! )

[lolynbo]

THANK YOU NICKS DADDY..I ALMOST PANICD CUZ I COULDNT FIND KOURTNEY BUT YOU GOT HER IN THERE...SO SWEET OF YOU OUR SO THOUGHTFUL...

Actress Brittany Murphy dies at 32

ANOTHER ANGEL FLYS TO HEAVEN...TOO SOON

[mpsmom]

Dan, Thank you so very much for remembering our angels...............it means so much to me, I wish I could take them all around the world........and let them ALL experience all the life they missed by going too soon.  If I can print all the trees ( will try to ) I will take all of our children to the California Coast with us in the motorhome...

BIGS HUGS, Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

[hotrod]

Dan  How wonderful  The trees are beautiful  Thank YOu!!!!Please try to enjoy your trip  You made my Holiday!!!It is so special to be part ot the Indigos!!! 

Trudi Thanks for posting your little angel   Harmony  What a perfect name!!  Loved the  pictures from the reunion  Our angels are never forgottten here.  This family is so special

Sue  Thanks for the link  Loved the connection

Dee  Thanks for your uplifting message.

Mary Ann Leah, Terrie, Claudia, Marcia thinking of you all, your angels   and all Indigos   please stay safe and warm

Betty

Stephen'smom

[Guest]

Dan - now I know your name!  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  All those beautiful angels.  All our children.  My daughter among them.  My heart is touched.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[mysonrich]

Thank you Dan.   Beautiful angel tree's.

Thank you Greg. I read it today.

[summergirl]

Dan - beautiful, I love the tree's with our beautiful Angels on them, what a wonder you are. Enjoy what ever it is that you do over Christmas, just breathe.   As soon as the holidays are over I am going to do the memorial site.....so much going on this time of year, too much pressure.......jan and feb my down months, down time. I will contact you PM if I need help.

What a beautiful site the snow is, dangerous to those drivers who think they know how to drive on bad roads so I pray that all who go out go safely.   No school tomorrow as they have not had enough time to clear all of the roads, so Tavian will be home with Barry and I will go too work. Barry has a bad chest cold which seemed to ger better and now is worse, told him to stay home, after all he is the boss so he can pretty much do his own thing.....want him inside where it is warm.

Trudi - Harmony is so beautiful, it makes me wonder what she looks like now, I am sorry as I know how you long to see her, hug her, but the day will come my friend, the day will come.  You and Dee speak so beautifully, the way you put thoughts into words just makes me want to cry for the beauty of them.....so inspiring.   Thanks for the pics of the "reunion, non-reunion" - seeing you guys together, no words. 

I thought much of my Jessica today......the snow, the weekend....she would have been here.......she is here........

Dee -  wow 2 weeks off, do some great things like rest, reading and lots of your wonderful walks - I look forward to walking with you.    I work 3 days this week then Barry, Tavian and I are all off from Dec 24th to Jan 4th...........hope to spend some good quality family time together.

Love and peace to all. Kathy

[kekoasmom]

I'm very sorry, I meant Nicksdad, Dan

[dannysmomma]

Nicksdad:I saw my Danny in your Angel trees..thank you:)Yes..I'm always checking the boards even if I haven't posted,,much love to everyone here and always thinking of you all xoxoxo