Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Shelley - my sympathies to you and your camera.  I love babies, but not really prepared to go back that far!

Muttley is know in town as a Border Collie with height issues!!  His litter was all curly haired shitzu types, but he was up looking for sheep!  Hope all goes well.

Lorri - you are more than welcome.  This journey can be hell, I just choose to decorate it with the thoughts and words of those here - helps heaps..As for the cruise, travel sickness pills is the start I would make.

Trudi

 

[summergirl]

Maryann - All here feel your pain even if that sounds impossible to you right now. I lost my daughter Jessica at the age of 26 from ARVD - sudden death - on Feb 18, 2006. Jessica left behind a 4 year old son, Tavian, whom my husband and I have custody of after a long battle in court.  I found my way to this site when I was at the lowest point that I believe only a person who has lost a child can be, I felt as though I was never going to survive losing my Jessica, my life was over, there was no reason to get up in the morning, sleepless nights, tears until my eyes could cry no more, pain that was beyond the imagination - only Tavian kept me going, I needed to be strong for him but still have no idea how I managed in those first days, months and when the first year was over and I began the second it seemed even harder. When I came here I spent a few weeks just reading trying to see if "I fit in" and then one day I posted about my Jessica - I talked about nothing but Jessica for months and was always supported in the way that only those here, those who walk this journey can support someone.  It is now 3 years and almost 6 months since I began this walk and I can honestly tell you that without the family here I do not know if I would be where I am today.  I did not lose my only child ( I have a son who is 32 and lives in Iowa) and I have Tavian so I can not tell you that I know what it is like to lose an "only child" but I know there are those here who do and if you are willing to give us a chance we will all do what ever we can to walk beside you. Please do not give up on us, tell us about your Brian - I for one want to know everything about him. Tell us about yourself - everything you are feeling because we have been there and still are.  Yes, I now talk about my "good days", but I never stop talking about my Jessica, my pain, my life forever changed - the life I had with Jessica here is no longer, this is life "after Jessica" but she is always with me, every second of every day and the pain never goes away, it does not get better, it does not get easier but it does get "softer" as time goes by.  I promise that if you give us and yourself a chance you will find that you do belong here.  I am sorry that I have rambeled on but when someone is hurting as you are then I just want to help - I hope you let us.

Dan - love the new avatar of your boy - he is so handsome.

Amanda - that is quite the "baby bump" - it is beautiful and even though we cannot see your face I just know there is a smile there!!!

Marcia - I love ther pic of Tyler and Bethany - my gosh she is so beautiful and you are right, sometimes it does seem like a dream doesn't it - because it cannot be possible that our children are not here - how can they be here one day, smiling and "talking on the cell phone" and gone in the next second - the why's are endless!!  It is so nice that Tyler comes to see you and have coffee and breakfast - that is just beautiful.

Greg - "He will always be as long as one person remembers him" - how true, how true!!!!

Trudi - that Muttley sure is a cutie.   Reading what you first wrote when you dicovered BI still brings me to tears - your wonderful Mike.  Between you and Dee you two could write a book and I for one would stand in line to buy it - you both have such a way with words, when I read your posts it is as though I am sitting having coffee with you listening to you, not just reading your words.

Lorrie - you are entitled to your anger and expressing it - goodness knows we all do and that is what being here is all about - being who we are now and saying what we want to say without being kicked in the butt for it - your first cruise without Kourtney is going to be diffacult but once you are out to sea you look up at those shinning stars and you will see your Kourtney, she will find a way to let you know she is there with you - she is your girl - she will find a way!!!!

Many thoughts of Jessica today - I keep looking at the boxes of pictures I have to go through and I want too but am also afraid to at the same time - I have so many and I want to get them organized - something I always said I would do when I had children was make sure I kept all pics in an album - that went out the window as they grew - seemed like there was never the time and now how I wish I had done that, but we have many wishes don't we???   Well, I have made myself a promise to get it all done this winter, when the cold sets in and the summer days of outside are past.   

My love to all and may all have peaceful sleep and sweet dreams.  Kathy 

[briansdad]

Remember, this was when I was very raw. I was hurting to my very marrow.

My son was born One fine spring day

I remember it Like it was yesterday

                                        

I put up signs Announcing the day

Little did I know

In 24 years he’d  go away

 

The   patrolman walked up to me

With the news all parents dread

We regret to inform you 

Your son Brian is dead

How can this be

It must be a mistake 

It didn’t sink in

Till after the wake

                                      

Life should stop

But it never does

It’s almost like He never was

 

Late at night I lay down and cry

Continually asking Why God why

I’ve listened so hard But hear no reply 

Does he know my pain ,Does he see me cry

 

I miss my son So very much

I’d give anything Just to feel his touch

 

I wake in the morning         

I can hardly get out of bed

Another day without him

Is the thing that I dread

 

I lay down at night

Trying to sleep

Into my mind

Thoughts of my son start to creep

 

Was he  in pain

As his life ebbed away

These are the thoughts

I have everyday

 

I hurt for his Mom

His brother and sister

His 5 year old daughter

God I’m so happy that morning he got to kiss her

 

So now I’ve been told

That I must go on

To live my life

Without my son

 

The sun rises and sets

One time each day 

Just like it did

Before he went away

                         

Life should stop,

But it never does

It’s almost like

He never was …

 

Brian Gregory Klocke

4-19-80   9-30-04

I’ll miss ya B

Love Dad

 

Written by Greg Klocke 12-04 2004

 

[homeschoolmom]

Greg, that is absolutely beautiful.  It is the cry of every parent's heart when they are faced with the worst heartbreak. It is amazing, when reflecting on the distance traveled since that time, how much stronger we have become.  We don't realize that with each tear, each sigh, each memory-those good and bad- each stumble in the dark, each heartbeat of longing-that we are being made stronger.  We don't feel it, but we most certainly are getting to that place of peace, of tranquility. That place where the missing doesn't rob us of the opportunity to LIVE.

May we and others here, truly learn to LIVE everyday of our lives in celebration of those we love.

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[briansdad]

Here is one of my favorite pic of Brian and Alyssa

 

[tanmanmymagicman]

Greg, I loved it Loved it Loved IT; I am being told I have so much to live for 3 other kids and 5 grandkids; but grief continues to define and restrict my life and feelings;

OH MY I HAVE READ LOTS OF POEMS; YOURS HIT HOME THE MOST........

I think daily about my son and how scared he must of been those last few moments and was he in pain and what was he thinking I know he wanted his mom; me.......How I wished I could of been there;  I am having a little bottle on wine tonight so everything feels clear and good............

We miss our kids; we can never live life the same...See can live and we can be happy but not the same happy.....its like something (Tanner) is always keeping me safe .  today I talked to some people I had not seen in years and instead of saying my son Kurts name I said Tanner's name 4 times when I finally said aloud "OK Tanner; that's enough; help mom out here.............

Bless you and everyone this evening; I am Cindy Houk; Tanner's mom forever!!!!!!!!! and can't wait to see him again.....................

[homeschoolmom]

Greg, my older daughter's name is Brianna, and her sister Karyn's middle name is Alyssa.

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

Cindy, sometimes I allow my mind to go back to those last moments of Rohan's life. I imagine him looking up and seeing the truck bearing down on him.  I wonder if he realised his death was imminent? I then imagine him looking at me just a few feet ahead and KNOWING his mama wouldn't be able to save him. I let him down.  At the time he most needed me, I was there, but couldn't save him. I was right there. I still lost him.

I can allow those thoughts and images to paralyze me, or I can choose instead to focus on the fact that now he is at peace. He will never again be in pain, or feel terror.  My little boy knew I would have given my life for him given the chance, and I'm sure your Tanner knows that too. I cannot and will not allow those last few moments to define the rest of my life.  My Rohan LIVED, and I will too.  Differently, not as light-hearted or innocent, but I will LIVE.  Hope you join me-

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[mpsmom]

Greg, I love the poem, thank you so much for sharing.. and the picture of Brian and Allyssa is adorable....she has grown so much , from the pictures you have posted since he left.   SOmedays it seems as though the life we used to have was just a dream...

Marcia   Bethanys' Mom Forever

[lostwoher]

Greg, that is the most beautiful poem you could have written for Brian. BRILLIANT! Take a bow and pat yourself on the back .

I believe everyone who responded to Marianne's earlier post has said it all. Nothing more needs to be added. I hope you continue to read and find this a much better forum than originally thought. We all welcome you to share anything and everything you are comfortable with.

Take care all. Please keep sharing the photos of whatever you have. They sure bring a smile.

Thinking of you all frequently while sitting back in my comfort zone.

Lynn                        To my one and only Angel, I miss you so very very

                                much. From the look at the sky this evening, it looks

                               as thought Eri-fest is still happening in heaven.

                               Keep your new Angel friends close because they are

                               the best people you will ever meet.

                               Watch your step!   Much much much LOVE,MOM

[briansdad]

[user=27856]homeschoolmom[/user] wrote:

Greg, my older daughter's name is Brianna, and her sister Karyn's middle name is Alyssa.

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

Shelly My daughter named her daughter Brianna in honor of her brother.

[ericasmom]

Gregory, (I am using my teacher voice), that poem is gorgeous, so filled with your heart,  filled with the most tender love that my tears are still rolling. I know that Brian is smiling on you as you shared something quite personal and wonderful, and he's glowing saying, " that's my Dad..." Take a bow indeed.

Shelly, as you growled through the day but still find yourself this evening looking back and seeing how far you have come, and telling another that you choose to live in this world rather than let the world go on without you, well, I would say that you have set some serious steps down my Friend. I hope that you realize what golden words you spoke.

So true, I was also with my Girl when she died, though not when she was hit by the train, but still, I could do nothing to keep her alive. I knew she had to leave, that she could not stay hooked up to machines to perform the act of breathing, this was not life, it was the place between this life and the next. Perhaps that is the space between the clouds then, it is the half-way place between two worlds. As with Rohan, life here was no  longer viable and so we move on never without them, but we move on with them adn because of them.

I agree, having another child prevents me from saying much about what it must be to lose an only child. But I will say that the months and actually, the first two years following Erica's death, I watched my Son, Jon, lose so much light. FOr a time, I was so very afraid I would lose him as well, as he struggled and continues to struggle with the loss of his closest friend, his Sis. He suffers from a sense of guilt, the inability to save his little Sister, he doesn't sleep well. He has learned, thankfully, to find ways to live a purpose filled life, to laugh again, to play, but there is a sadness in him that I see and know, and I so wish I could give him back his Sis, his witness to his life. That's how siblings are described in grief books. That while we lose our link to the future in losing a child,our surviving children lose the witness to their lives when they lose a sibling. There is nothing easy in all of this, the only thing I can offer is my heart that happens to be filled with hope. Hope, a one syllable word that can change so much in this world, including the despair one feels when grieving one so special.

Hey, glad that the skies look Eri-fest like. That is a magical thing to see isn't it, and so too is it magical for me to see those words, her name. Thanks.

Tink is joining in Trudi, she is definitely coming along. Hey, Muttley is adorable, love that the other pups all were curly, but Muttley was ready to herd sheep. You are a kick.

Sherry, are you canning?

Cindy, hang on there girlie, Tanner needs you to hang on cause he loves you all the time.

AZsummer, where are you? VAL? Mammabetts? Lyn? ARC? I hope that you all are out there finding ways to breathe deeply and see the sun again. We are here.

Love you all very much,

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Oh my goodness...don't post for a day or so and geeeessshhhh....so much to read and respond to!!!  Most of all, I want to say  "I HAVE MY AIRLINE RESERVATIONS!!!!!"   YYYYYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY    

 this is how I feel about getting (flying) there:  

and this is how I will feel when I am there: 

I will write more tomorrow, but for now, I must succumb to sleep...spending the day at the pool with Mike's two older boys (12 and 13)-----wow, I am whipped!!!  (sorry the pics came out so huge!)

ps:  Maryanne:  as others have said, I also do hope you continue to come here...there is no where else you will find the love, comfort, support and understanding that is given and received on this site...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[nicksdad]

Marcia...Beautiful pic of Bethany and Tyler at the picnic.

Nick is actually 21 in that pic.

Bonnie...Now that you are in Va you could take a trip and

see John and maybe that would give you some ideas of what

to make.

Shelly..I am sorry about your brothers loss and yes it probably

would be very nice to get done.

Brian..Poem is great and the picture is special

[heartbeataway]

Dan,

You're right!  I forget where I am sometimes!  We could visit and look at his work.

Thank you!

Carol,

Wahoo!  You have your ticket!  What day do you arrive?  The pictures are precious! Do you have cats?

Greg,

I seem to remember reading your poem before. It's a heart toucher!  Enjoyed it and appreciate you posting it.  I too like the picture of Brian and his girl. So sweet! Are you doing okay?

Amanda,

He's growing!  The excitement is building!

Trudi,

Muttley the little charmer! Too bad you can't bring him with you! ;-)

Lorri,

How many more days till sun & fun? 

hotsauce,

Hope you're having a better day .......

I've gotta get into my day.  I never made it to the store yesterday! 

Bonnie

[cameronsmom1]

Thanks to everyone that commented on my pic! Sorry it didn't have my face in it, I was just having one of those days! LOL He is definitely growing that's for sure! It's crazy to think that there is only 17 weeks until I hold my baby in my arms. I hope that I will find the strength to stay positive and won't let my nerves get the best of me. Please keep me in your prayers and know that I will keep you updated with everything.

Amanda

[briansdad]

"Greg,

I seem to remember reading your poem before. It's a heart toucher!  Enjoyed it and appreciate you posting it.  I too like the picture of Brian and his girl. So sweet! Are you doing okay?"

Bonnie I'm getting along OK. Just a little frustrated with my job.Wishing I was able to go up to Mn. to see all of you.

[cameronsmom1]

Shelly, maybe you should take your husband up on his offer!! I luckilly don't have morning sickness, I didn't with my last two pregnancies either. I just get a lot of swelling at the end and have trouble sleeping and that will be here soon i'm sure!!!

Amanda

[mysonrich]

Good morning everyone,  this is a picture of Rich's cat, Persia. I'm not sure of the spelling. Christmas, the last day I saw Rich alive. I took so many pictures of him that day. Not that I meant to leave others out, it just happened. I guess the cat was first to know Rich had died during the night. She kept looking at his bed when I was there.

 

I'm scheduled for a interview today for another position within my company. I'm feeling very apprehensive. I might cancel. I know other opportunities will come along, I am just not in an interviewing mood.

 

Monday I was going about my day and I felt a panic attack coming on. I tried to ignore it and work through it but it wasn't happening. What triggered it I don't know. FOr whatever reason I went into the dollar store and got a heart balloon. I write a note to Rich and let it go. I do have xanax for these moments but I try not to take them. but Monday I split one in half and mellowed out.

 

Greg, it is a moving poem.

 

Dan, still checking out urns though I think I know what to order now.

 

Amanda, nice shirt !  ( I'm joking !)  With my pregnancies I never felt more beautiful, I hope that you come to feel that way even if its a bad hair day.

 

Lorri, do you have a web-site for Kourtneys Closet?  Maybe you can create one and include the information that the newspapers miss. Maybe you can add to the sign, http://www.kourtneyscloset.org and have lots of links ,info and your daughters story.

 

Marcia, seashells in Vegas!

 

Dee, trudi,Carol, Claudia. ...hugs today.

 

Ok, I'm going to think about this interview some more. any suggestions would be helpful. Maybe I just want to stay in my comfort zone right now. Right Lynn !?

[ericasmom]

I will write more later, just a quickie to say whatever you choose Betsy, will be okay. But think about what would be the worst thing if you leave your comfort zone? Perhaps thepossibilities out there are what you need to view? DOn't know, only know I am in your corner. As is Rich and his lovely cat.

dee

[nicksdad]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

I'm scheduled for a interview today for another position within my company. I'm feeling very apprehensive. I might cancel. I know other opportunities will come along, I am just not in an interviewing mood. 

 

Dan, still checking out urns though I think I know what to order now. 

 

Ok, I'm going to think about this interview some more. any suggestions would be helpful. Maybe I just want to stay in my comfort zone right now. Right Lynn !?

As far as the Urn's go John does some great ones. I like the ceremic <sp> or porcelon <sp> ones but then started looking at the wood ones and they are very nice looking also.

On the interview deal..my 2 cents for what it's worth. Do the interview...yes other opportunies may come along but when? When other opportunities come along are you going to be ready to do it then?

I've said about my sister coming down actually tommorow. Her concern was "if we were ok with that becuase of the impending date coming upon us"...well she has been there and knows exactly how it is. My take on it is "the day is going to come no matter what". 

That's pretty much my take on your interview "tommorow you are going to go to work no matter what", so make the best of it. If you are selected for the position then it was meant to be.

 

 

[briansdad]

[user=27668]mysonrich[/user] wrote:

I'm scheduled for a interview today for another position within my company. I'm feeling very apprehensive. I might cancel. I know other opportunities will come along, I am just not in an interviewing mood. 

 

Hey what's the worst that could happen? You've already been through the worst thing in your life. The interview should be a cake walk.

[daniellemom]

Betsy - You have gotten such good advise already from the people on this site. I agree go for it!

Amanda - The baby bump is coming along great!

Greg - Loved the poem tears are falling

Dan - Good luck with your sisters visit.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[ericasmom]

Greg is so right, Dan too, that today is just another day, go for it, the worst has happened, see what is out there. I know though that panic attacks can stop you inyour tracks, so as I have advised those who have had them, keep a small brown bag in your purse, or jacket pocket. A small lunch bag type. If you have an attack come on, go to the bathroom remove the bag, gather it around your nose and mouth and simply breathe into it knowing that you will reoxyginate your blood very quickly. When we suffer the panic that is so scary, it helps to know that this is just a few minutes of time to give you the breath you need. I have had them, this worked for me, along with finding out what triggered them and learning how to breath deeply.

Dan, I love that you said, the day is going to come no matter what...it is and we are all here as you have been for us. Your Beautiful Boy is cheering you on for having found ways to express your heartache. blessings.

The kitties are so wonderful. Jonathan has to take his cat, SPUD, to the vet today. I hope it is all going to go well, I know he is nervous.

love to all, it is gorgeous weather here today, high of 79 and sunny. I am going for a bike ride with my friend Kay, one of those friends in life that gets it. She just does.

see ya

[mpsmom]

Betsy, I also agree you should go for it.------- here is what i used to do, before i worked 24/7 for my husabnds office, when i would be in between jobs or ready to change jobs i would 'first' interview for something that might not be the exact fit for me, -- for the practice.... treat this as a 'practice interview' ... when we havent interviewed in a long time, it is awkward--even on the best of days---- like Dan said, if it is meant to be , they will offer you the job, if not--- it was good practice. 

The sun comes up everyday whether we want it to or not, I try to make the best of everyday, sometimes 'my best' is not alot--- I am happy with my progress on a day that I accomplish anything at all and dont go back to bed.  Life goes on--we must too... to all of you that are still waiting for summer-- we are happy the temperature is down 5 degrees today----- they only expect it will be 108.... :?   we have six weeks of this and then it is fabulous weather here. 

If anyone is up for it , i would love to organize a reunion for next year in the spring or the fall in Sedona, AZ.  It is a beautiful place in the high desert and very spititual.  Anyone interested?? just think about it... I will ask again...

Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's mom forever

[heartbeataway]

Betsey,

Go for the gusto!  You have nothing to lose so why be so nervous?  Easy for me to say, eh?  Seriously, remember the old saying about how to loosen up when talking or interviewing?  Just try to imagine the person you're talking to sitting there in their underwear........ ;-)

Greg,

I wish you could come to MN too!

Speaking of jobs ....... we still have one Thank God. But so many folks are so frustrated and so many are losing jobs.  It's these sad, crazy economic times we're in!

Dan,

How sweet of your sister to ask ....... she wasn't thinking of herself but of you guys.

Bonnie

This is our Christmas picture of our pups.  The boxer, Jackson, was Jason's dog.

[mysonrich]

ok, you're all very convinceing and right. It is true, this is nothing compared to what we've been through.  I'll go and if I am not a match I have plan b and c. But, I don't look to much into the furture and make plans like I use to. Like thinking before Rich died that I will  need a bigger kitchen/dining table if I  should be so lucky to have both kids and b/f and g/f  along. no need for that now. Its like when I look over and up at the wind turbines on the mountain. I wanted to take Rich there, I heard they have nice bike trails...

 

ok, what to wear

[ericasmom]

I WOULD ADORE THAT MY SWEET MARCIA>

dee

[heartbeataway]

Marcia,

I would love a Sedona get-a-way.  If we can afford it, I'm in.

Thanks!

Bonnie

[hotsauce]

To all the members of this group most of all the one's that answered my email, I AM SORRY.  You are right I am mad at the world, because I don't have my only child with me.  He was all I had.  He was more a "soul mate" to me then his father, my ex husband, who never even came to Brian's funeral or called me.

For the last bunch of years it was just Brian and I taking care of each others.  No family to help us, and as for friends, I was better without them.

When Brian was diagnosed with cancer (April 26, 2007 he was 20 years old) I was with him 24/7- never got help from anyone.  I learned how to sleep on the hospital floor I never left his side.  When we weren't in the hospital, I still did the cleaning, cooking, cut the grass and took care of him.

I never felt that close to anyone.  The church that we went to never gave us any help.  The neighbors knew that Brian was sent home from the hospital to die, but they didn't help.  When Brian went into the hospital he weigh about 168# he come home after 3 months about 68#, and the hospital said he only had days to live.

Brian, was not only my child, he was my best friend.  It will be only 3 months this August 1 2009, so I know I am just starting this cruel, rotten journey, and a lot of you are that different stages, so yes you have the right to be special friends and talk about special things in your life.  It's just that I am so alone and miss him so much.

I live in Delaware and there is no place to get grief help unless you can pay for it.  I did join the compassionate fiends, but I still feel alone.  Brian is the only one that didn't died in a car accident or kill himself.  And most of them go home to other children and families.

I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself.  I wanted to take my own life, but Brian never gave up, I can't take the easy way out.

any way thanks for listening.

[mpsmom]

Mary Ann, I am so sorry for your loss, I am glad you came back.... please try and stay with us when you can. I do not know how close you might be to any of the locations because this organization does not have a chapter in Delaware but if I remember my geography/ Delaware is tiny and maybe a bordering state might have a chapter close by , here is the link.  I know they have support groups for families who have lost children to cancer.

http://www.candlelighters.org/Affiliates/LocalGroups/tabid/281/Default.aspx

You will find that the compassionate friends group has a variety of types of childrens deaths, from one month to another there will be different people who come, with different situations,  and I do undersdtand it is difficult to find 'that connection' ... I was told early on , by someone very wise 'try everything 3 times , if then it doesnt work, may be it is not the right thing for you". I tried one particular Compassionate Friends group 3 times and found out 'those' were not the right people for me, but have since found another group that does help, and since i am much farther down this journey, i also have started my own group.   Please tell us about you and your dear son Brian.  Tell us who he was before the cancer took away your lives.

My prayers are with you in this darkest of times, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever 

[lolynbo]

I DONT NOHOW TO START A WEB PAGE BUT IF ANYONE IS UP FOR IT I S URE WOULD LIKE THAT...

HOTSAUCE I SENT U A PERSONAL MESSAGE I HOPE U FIND IT..

25 MORE DAYS TO SUN AND HOPEFULLY FUN

[ericasmom]

Okay, just got back from a long ride with Kay, my dear friend. We rode a long way, about 25 miles. It was perfect. Rode to a town that is cute but I needed to get off the bike to stretch my back out so we locked the bikes and window shopped. I showed Kay a shop I discovered the last time I rode out there and she and I went nuts...she bought a really cute blouse, and I bought a new belt and bracelet. Rolled it all up in our little bags and stuffed them into her carry pack,and rode home after a lemonade. It was good. THe young lady at the store was so exuberant adn dear, so I said, I assume you are a student, she said, "yes, I will be a freshman at Kalamazoo College." Kay looked over at me to see if I was going to say anything, but I just said, wow, you must be a very devoted student to get into that college, good for you." Then we talked about what a fun college town it is, and how pretty it is, but I didn't tell her about Erz. I was glad because the moment needed to stay happy and about the girl, not about my Girl. I felt Eri cheering, "yay Momma, way to let the girl live on happily." Kay and I sat and had a lemonade and she said, "you know I don't ever mind you telling folks about Eri, I do all the time." I told her what I was feeling. She and I dropped a few tears admid the laughs as we remembered stories; some real ERI-isms. Oh Eri, I miss you. Like crazy, my little Pink Tink.

so the link below is a happy little video of a wedding, nobody I know and nobody youknow, just a happy happy time. I cried at the joy. So I hope that you will feel your heart flutter too.

[briansdad]

Dee,

I saw that video the other day. What an entrance!!!!

[ericasmom]

Mary Anne, I am so very glad, my heart is singing because you came back. Anger, of course. Alone and lonely, what a sad time, a broken time. I promise you it will not always be a broken life. You said it yourself Sweetie, that Brian would not take the easy way out, so you cannot either. I so wish that I could fix it, but because none of us can, we are here to help you find your way as you slowly, painfully, find ways to live a good life. The life Brian would surely want his Momma to have. One thing that will never change, is your love for him and his for you. That is solid. I am proud of you as you come back to find out if you can be here, and as far as I am concerned, you are doing just fine. Hopes and prayers are being sent out to the skies as we sit here now.

Do tell us about your life with Brian as he grew up. Where did you guys hang out, what was his highschool years like? Do that when you feel up to it. Understand that as you go along, on the bumpiest days, we are here, as well as on the days that are smooth, and yes, there will be those.

Love to you,

dee

[ericasmom]

Greg, isn't that amazing? I just feel that the couple were so happy to be joining together...i loved it.

thanks Greg and boy I wish you could be in Minnesota too.

[hotsauce]

BONNIE, DEE, MARCIA, LORRI   thank you all for the kind words.  i will try and write soon, but my last reply was real hard for me.  Brian, was a great kid, I miss him so much.  Lorri, i did finally find your message, thank you .

mary ann

[mikesmomrs]

Dee:  thank you so much, you truly brightened my day!  Not only with the video, but with your precious story...I know that Eri was right there by your side, cheering you on...

Maryann:  I am so glad that you came back, and I do hope that you will continue to be here...I am so very sorry that you (and your wonderful Brian) had to go through such a terrible time, ending in his passing.  It must have been terrible for you to not have any support while you were both going through this..thank you so much for sharing part of your story...we all understand how truly difficult it must have been for you....  As said before, you will truly find much love, comfort and support here...we are all together in this; all trying to make it through that next breath...  I lost my son, Mike, to brain cancer, and he fought it for 17 months, with all the usual weapons.  They told him from the outset that it was fatal, and after they did the first surgery, the told him that when, not "if" the tumor came back, they could not operate again.  The second tumor arrived just over one year after the first one; he lived for another 5 months.  My heart goes out to you.

Betsy:  I agree with all the others, go for it!  and the best of luck...

Bonnie:  I just think that pic of the dogs is just too funny….especially with Jackson right in the middle; what a creative idea for your Christmas card!  No, I don’t have cats;  I used to, but my allergies just got so bad---same with dogs.  When our last little kitty (though she was over 10, so not much of  “little” kitty!) passed on, we didn’t get another.  I do like them, though.   I understand about never making it to the store; I’ve been trying to get there for three days, and it’s right across the street!      I am arriving in MN on Friday…I seriously thought about Thursday, but just am nervous about leaving hubby that long…and the three days was a compromise.  I know it sounds crazy, but we are no longer in the normal sane level, are we…   There was a “Rubicon” at the picnic the other day that I took Damon to…the owner was giving some of the older kids a ride in it.  It finally stopped raining enough for her to take the sides and top off so they could really experience it.  I thought of Jay…

Greg:  loved the poem, so very sad, but sometimes “sad” is what we need to encircle our hearts with validation that this is real and thus allow us to let the tears flow…  The pic of Brain and Alyssa is just great…my heart just melts over face-to-face pictures…the love just jumps right out at you

Trudi:  Muttley is just so very handsome.  My daughter (she provides foster animal care, but sometimes has a very difficult time “letting go”) would just love him. He would be one of those who would never see another owner:D   Can't wait to meet you!  (Of course, can't wait to meet all of you who are coming, and wish we could all  be there.)

Amanda:  Love, love, LOVE that baby bump…so glad that things are going well for you.

Kathy:  the boxes of pics…I am in the same boat…they all got packed up while we were “showing” the house (for over a YEAR!) and I want so much to just rifle through them now, but I know they will likely bring me to my knees…I’ve managed to go through some, but am holding off a bit on the rest.  Boxes and boxes of them, in storage tubs.  I have ordered two new cabinets for our dining room, and one of them is going to hold the boxes of pics, so I can go through them easier.    Perhaps I can do it more orderly than before, and finally get them done.  I noticed that, I think it is Rite Aid, pharmacy chain does scanning, and it seems reasonable enough…sure would save time vs trying to scan them myself, but I would not want to let them leave the house…so there I am, feeling as though in a gerbil wheel, going round and round…I know that Mike is standing there, shaking his head at me…

Shelly:  such a nice thing to do for your brother…I know that he will love it very much.  I hope your puppy is doing okay by now.

Colleen:  I forgot to pm you regarding my arrival time...will do so this evening.  Thanks again so much for the offer of a ride---you are too sweet!

Claudia:  good to see your glowing Joey’s smiling face; I hope that things are doing better in your little corner of the world.  It must have been heartbreaking to just up and move, after having put so much of yourself into the place.  Have your pups adjusted to the new place?  You and Michael and Patrick are in my thoughts this week; sending prayers for strength, my sweet and early friend and “shoulder.”

Bridget…how did things go?

Sonya:  my mom made apple sauce, and canned some tomatoes.    We never had a garden, though, city dwellers from the git-go…she bought the produce from someone who had a small backyard garden nearby.  I don’t remember much about the tomatoes …but the applesauce was just great!  Hubby on the other hand, grew up in the woods of Mississippi, and didn’t even have electricity til he was a 10 yo.  He remembers a LOT of canning being done…they grew just about everything they ate, buying pretty much only flour, sugar, etc.  It was a hard life, with 8 kids, but he remembers his childhood as sweet and carefree.  Your canning experiences sound just as sweet…tons of work, but good memories. 

Lorri:  I never did get to say congrats to Kody on his win…way to go!  My oldest brother raced cars when he was younger…it was always exciting, no matter who won. 

Bets, Danny's mom:  thinking of you and holding you close in my heart. 

Gotta go now; the cupboard is bare and hubby is hungry…and of course, it just started raining.  Tomorrow I take Mike’s middle boy, Kameron, to the ballgame at Fenway for his birthday, at his request…he will be 12 on Friday.  His mom is coming with us, and it’s her first time to a Red Sox game…she is truly excited.  She and Mike were really close, from the day they met, (just one of those relationships that turned out to be better off in the “friendship” stage), and she is really excited about sharing this with their son…Kameron is over the moon about her going with us.  Should be a good day.  I know that Mike will be there…

To all---wishing you a peaceful evening…

Love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mikesmum]

Maryanne - So glad you came back. Many of us come after being unable to find a connection be it through family, friends or community.  Your story reflects the love of a mother like Carol & Lorri who both nursed their dying children, Bonnie who lost the light in her life when Jasons heart just stopped beating.  Your anger, well I know that something that ate me up for more than a year.   Here is where we find our connection, our family our unconditional love and understanding. The first step is the hardest - As for supportive partners, well Mikes birth father left us when he was 3, his step dad left after being treated for an aquired brain injury and my new husband (married for 6 weeks at the time) was sent to Mike to perform CPR.  Quote of the week from the brain injured one when told of Mikes passing, "Well he got what he wanted didn't he'.  Ahh yes compassion and understanding......

Please come and tell us of your life with Brian, his growing years, the smiles the tears.

Betsey - I agree, you have lost a child, anything from here on in is a piece of cake. Take the inteview the experience is great, the chance to take the 'new you' out for a spin might just amaze  you. Love Persia.  I looked for 'urns' for Mike and ended up buying an antique ceramic ginger jar by the Mason potters UK.  I wanted something that Mike would be okay with - sounds strange I know but hey what isn't. 

Dee - Love that Tink sent you message in fairy dust after riding so far!! That video is world renoun..its a true reflection of living life to the fullest.  Perhaps we should have a shoeless dance in the park at MN!!!

Marcia - I think that should be on the agenda for at least one of our dinners in MN.  Personally, I have put the first dollar into the piggy bank....

Bonnie - Jackson - "I'm the cute one in the middle".  I love this picture. 

Greg - Really wish you were coming - you truly have a gift that has shown me how to look outside my own grief and I thank you for that.

Dan - Please say hi to your wife and enjoy your time with your sister.  I know when my dates are near my baby brother is my closest confidant.  He lost his son 6yrs ago to CF. 

Carol - Wonderful.  Will see you when you get to MN!!

Kathy - how goes your travel plans........??

Trudi

 

 

[shorty16]

Marcia

I would go to a reunion in Sedona!!!!!

A March (If spring) time frame would work best for me.  As for Fall I do not have a preference.

Count me in

Colleen

[ericasmom]

Hey Mary Ann, no worries, we aren't going anywhere...we're here, and you do that kind of telling when you feel up to it. Never feel rushed with us, never feel like you are letting anyone down, you can tell us in your own time in your own way. I know it must have been hard to say what you have already. You have done the lion's share of raising your Boy, and letting your Boy go, on your own. Never underestimate the strength you do have, but also allow for the days that require sleep and tears, and grief.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Mary Anne, I'm too am glad you came back. I think we all go through being isolated and lonely, but I can so relate to not having a support system or anyone around to talk to about the trials of my grief. For different reasons I didn't have the support system I needed after losing Joey. I will say that if it were not for BI and getting to know these lovely people here, I cannot fathom how I would have made it through the darkest months of my grief journey. I know you are hurting, and it physically hurts as much as it emotionally hurts. I hope through time spent here with us that you will find some comfort and know that you are loved and not alone.

HUGS!

Claudia

All: Counting down to Friday... sigh... 3 years of a world without Joey in it. If it weren't for memories shared by those who know and love him most, it would be like he was never here... I just can't believe he is gone. I mean, I believe it. But it still seems so surreal...evan after 3 years.

Miss you Joey! My Heart, Mom...........

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, those dogs, PRECIOUS!

Carol, so sweet that you are going with your lovely Grandboy to the game. You are the best Grammy that those lovely children could possibly know. Mike is shaking his head at you, in oh so many ways. Loving you in each shake.

Trudi, yes, my Tinkerbell hung out riding along the prairie path enjoying the conversation and the view. She loved Kay very much, I am sure fantasized that Kay could be her Momma when she was mad at me. I don't blame her, I wish Kay could be my Momma at times, even though she is two years younger than me. She is just one of those people. Yes, you had all sorts of support in your young parenting years didn't you? Goodness knows that you are one strong Cookie, and one loved one  too.

If ever we want to meet in Chicago, let me know too, as there are many great places to visit and take in. The town that Bridget and I are from is famous for Frank Lloyd Wright's home and studio. There are tours every day as there are many homes built by him and preserved by the historical society. Many good restaurants and just a nice place to be.

[ericasmom]

Claudia, I remember when I first met you here, I believe I had just returned here after some time off. Yes, three years, goodness. HOw does time keep moving when our hearts so often return to the days before those phone calls or doctor visits. Joey will smile on you always, and while you were helped here through your time of trials, you have turned that around and helped many behind you on this path, and so many right there where you chose to spend your goodness. Glory in your work. Joey, extra bright moonlight on your Momma.

love,

dee

[briansdad]

I forgot I made this one. it has many BI kids and kids from my Bereaved parents group.

[summergirl]

Marcia - I would love to go to Sedona so count me in for that one - I am already excited!!!

Trudi - my dear friend - my travel plans - not so good, I am afraid I wil not be able to go unless a miracle happens between now and August 13th - I know that I am dissappointing so many but it is just not possible for reasons you probably well know. I am not giving up yet though as there is always HOPE.  If I do not get there you know I will be there in heart and spirit wishing all of you the best - I wish I could have a picture of al the faces as they meet for the first time!!  what a treasure that would be. I am sure I will shed some tears not being there but I will be ok as I will here all about and see lots of pics when you all return.

Carol - Lady you are making my eyes work overtime reading those tiny words - make them a bit bigger for me could you??  I am getting old my friend - hee hee.    Yes, take the pics to a Walmart and download them onto a disc - that is what I have been doing - scan and put on disc and they are forever sealed, no fading with time which is a big fear of mine - I am not going to lose all those beautiful pics I have so I am slowly going through them and scanning the most precious - although they all are precious - I cannot do every pic. Some will go into picture boxes they now make.  Barry has been working on putting a video together of Jessica from when she was little up through the ages - he showed me tonight what he has so far and I cried so hard - it is amazing for his first one and just seeing my Jessica so tiny and then her beautiful face with Tavian was more than I could take.  When it is complete I will post it.

Betsy - go for that interview and wear "comfy" clothes!!  You are going to do fine and Greg said it all my friend.

Dee - 25 miles bike riding - what a dream day for me - however I work 9 - 4:30 monday to friday so not much time for that far. I am so happy for you, your Tinkerbell was there and you let that wonderful girl have her moment of happiness without bringing Eri into it - how proud she is of you!!  Your Kay sounds like a wonderful friend - like my friend Linda - we are lucky in many ways.

Maryann - How happy I was to see that you returned to us!!!  I do not get to come on until the evening due to work schedule but my smile was hugh when I saw your posts.    I am so sorry for the lack of "help", there are some on here that know that pain all to well.   Your Brian sounds like a most wonderful young man and the closeness that you shared is something you will always be thankful for although right now all you want is to have him back with you!!  3 months into this journey is such a short time and the pain is intense but glad to hear you say "you cannot take the easy way out" - that would be taking your own life and although the thought of being with your son is all you think of right now you must stay as strong as possible and lean on us as much as you can.  Are you totally alone??  Any friends??  I know you said family did not help and friends you were better off without - it makes me very sad to know that you are alone!!!!!   I lost many friends but was not bothered by it as I figured they were not my friends to begin with so no loss.  Oh Maryann, I wish so much I could be sitting at your table with you right this moment, having a cup of coffee and talking but being at BI is the best I can do for you so please stay with us and tell us more as you can, so want to hear more of your Brian.  I miss my Jessica with every breath I take but it does get softer and as time goes by you will find that inner strength that you never knew you had.  Will wait for you when you are ready.   Feel sorry for yourself???  Damn right you do and you have every right, I am past the 3 year mark and I still feel sorry for me!!!

Did another big portion of power washing my patio tonight so I am a bit tired, these bones of mine do not keep up with the pace I want it to anymore!!!  However I must say that the word out is the 50's are really the 30's now so I guess at 52 I am really only 32 and that sounds devine - now if I could just convince my body it would be great!!

Love to all and peaceful sleep, starry dreams.  Kathy

Jessica and Kaylie  - I know I posted it before but just needed to0 tonight.

[mpsmom]

Greg, thank you for including my Bethany in your video, you are so talented at putting these videos together. It must warm your soul to do so, I want to a find an outlet to 'warm my soul' , I am not technically minded.   Thank you Again, I so enjoyed seeing all of 'our' angels, it feels like I have known these BI kids my whole life.  and now they are all gone--together but still gone.

Hugs, Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

 

[summergirl]

Greg - I never forgot that one you made, it made me cry the first time and made me cry again tonight - I love it and thank you from the bottom of my heart for it - you are a wonderful person and Brian shines through you.  Kathy

[heartbeataway]

Carol,

I think it’s precious that your grandson requested to go to Fenway for his birthday! I understand about not wanting to be away from your hubby too long.

I made it to the store today and it started pouring just as I got there. I managed to find an umbrella in the car and maneuvered it so I could open it as soon as I got the door open. It was really only 2/3’s of an umbrella!  I didn’t care, it mostly kept me dry! ;-)

And after getting in the store I realized I left my list on the front seat!  So, I shopped from memory.  Then pay and get everything in the car, get ready to leave and realized I didn’t have the coffee creamer.  Rich is spoiled, he has to have Coffeemate French Vanilla Sugar Free ...... so back into the store I go.

And after getting home I quickly realized how much I forgot!

This is the story of my life now ......... seriously!

Did I tell you guys that we are getting Jays Rubicon back?  We’re really excited!  It should be here by Sunday ........ Jay’s Rubi is coming home!  ;-)

Maryann ...... you might feel alone now. But one day very soon you will realize that we are just a few key strokes away. Tell us about your son. April 28th, 2007 was when our Jason left.  Glad you didn’t give up on us!

Greg,

The wedding was cool!  I saw that on a morning show. Great idea wasn’t it?

Dee,

I started reading your post and was thinking a 25 mile ride doesn’t seem that long ...... until I realized you were on your bikes!  Good grief girl! I probably wouldn’t be able to walk for a week if I rode 50 miles on my bike!  Lemonade would not have helped! ;-)

Trudi,

Is this the same Mr. “"Well he got what he wanted didn't he?” that you had in your home not long ago?

You are one gracious lady!

If you want another suggestion for a fun place for a reunion, Washington DC is not far from where I live and there’s a multitude of places and things to do in between.

I’m pooped from all this typing ........ talk to you guys later.

Love!

Strength for the journey,

Bonnie

Our boy playing in the mud ........

[homeschoolmom]

Greg- great job with the video.

I am EXHAUSTED!!  12 hours on the road but we got our fingerprints done with only an estimated 2 wk delay (hah!).  Max, the puppy, is doing MUCH better.  He is actually eating again and very energetic.  My daughter, Bree, was praying so hard that he would be okay, so I am happy for her sake. On our last trip back to FL, the day we returned, her puppy, Spike, died a few hours before we got here.

Maryanne, welcome back. I pray that here you will find the family and friends that have been absent thus far, and know that we will be here for you.

I am off to an early night...

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama