Loss of an Adult Child

[shorty16]

Shelly, Rohan's Momma

So new to this journey and what you are experiencing is totally normal.  This pain or grief is exactly what we have to experience to be heathly when we see the light.

I know this sounds weird, but we must experience the grief that washes over us in order for it to lessen over time.

That time does come, but it is very slow in coming - sorry for that.

I pray that God will let his face shine upon you and give you peace in this horrible journey.

Just know you are not alone.  Just know that the pain of this grief does lessen, but time is both our friend and enemy in this journey.

Consider yourself hugged.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[homeschoolmom]

I'm sitting here overwhelmed by your love and compassion, and my dear husband walks by and asks if I'm not getting more depressed reading the posts, and I reply, "how could I? Rohan can't get more dead!" He looks at me, goes "huh! I guess you're right!"  Think that may be the end of that... At least I get a chuckle partway through this day that already seems waaayy too long. Thanks guys for being there...

Love and Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

Bonnie,

I love to write and usually it is an outlet for me...not now. There aren't words to express the depth and breadth of this soul-ache.  Of the three kids, Rohan enjoyed writing the most.  He learned to write cursive and wouldn't even try script.  He loved the flow of curvy letters and enjoyed writing stories. How I treasure spelling tests and writing samples... such little treasures with such big impact.

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[daveydow1]

Trudi,----I've been having quite a few "flaky" moments lately....oh well:?.

Hope you got all the hotel arrangements fixed. Have a wonderful time in Hawaii.

Shelly---Rohan's mom,----You are in my thoughts and prayers, as you are having

such a 'dark place' time right now. Do what you need to do to 'get through' to

another minute/hour/day etc. I'm sorry you are having a bad time. The memorial

site for your sweet little Rohan is a beautiful site. I wish you peace & tranquility.

Bridget----Sending prayers for a good report from your dermatologist. Take care,

and peace to you, friend.

Dee----So glad that the ERiFest turned out well. (I'm a little late posting, but had to

let you know). Sweet ERi was surely smiling down---her little white soul beaming

from a pink cloud, and fluttering her lovely pink angel wings. 

Peace to all of the BI family......brothers & sisters in sorrow, but also in strength.

   Daveysmom,  Sherry

[nicksdad]

My sister showed me this site:

http://tcfbc.homestead.com/welcome.html

It's up where she lives. The bricks all have names/dates etc on them. She had one done for her son and is waiting on them to put it in.

I thought it was great looking. Showed it to the wife and I saw her thinking and had to say "no" before she could ask...I have no intention of building something like that (at least not yet)..

[mikesmomrs]

Shelly:  I visited your beautiful Rohan's website, and lit a candle.  It really does help to create a site for our precious children, and you have done a wonderful job.  Your heart is all through it...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mpsmom]

Dan, it is a beautiful park, the music was outstanding, but very very sad...there is so much music out there about the pain in losing your child.. who would have ever known???????????????? I wish I didn't , I wish we ALL didn't know..... but I am glad we have found each other.

thank you for sharing,   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[nicksdad]

Got a stone made for my Sister who is coming down in a few days. She lost her son

a couple years ago. It's actually the Fire Truck that he drove and the train that he

worked on.  The picture does not do it justice, it is all Laser Engraved.

 

[mpsmom]

WOW, Dan that is absolutely beautiful, can't imagine what it looks like if you say the picture does not do it justice. the picture is gorgeous.  What a wonderful Brother and Uncle you are..... guess we knew that here at BI already ..

Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[ericasmom]

Dan, you and your sister are super connected, and I am so glad for the both of you. We have park in Oak Park Illinois, that is filled with stones/bricks that were purchased in memory of a teacher, Trish Quane, who was also killed by a train, two years after ERi was killed. Trish and I knew one another for years, since Jonathan and her oldest girl were babies, and then her second child, Amelia, and my girl grew up together. So in her light, the school she worked had people buy bricks either honoring Trish or someone else that they loved, and the money went to the charity that Trish supported. It is lovely, and each time I go there, I look at the brick from her Momma; A day doesn't go by...was what her momma had engraved. I weep each time.

I love the stone that you had made for your Sister in memory of her Boy. I think it is lovely.

Shelly, I know sometimes we have to say things as you did to your husband to make them understand. I am sure you got the point across.

Love to all,

dee

[daniellemom]

14 pages to read!! Being gone a week it’s hard to catch up but I will! We had a nice time at the beach we found lots of Danielle shells; that’s what I call them now. The first day the shells were every where. If I just laid my hand in the sand a shell would pop up. My Mom didn’t look for any shells because she said she couldn’t see them. So we are sitting on the beach and what is right beside her? Yes a shell. Mattie was not patient enough to look for shells for long, so before long, people we didn’t even know was handing Mattie shells just not any shell the long twisty kind that we call Danielle shells now. I thought this year was harder than last year at the beach without Danielle. I guess I was still in shock last year.

Kathy – Sorry I missed Jessica birthday!

Bonnie – Thanks for sharing the letter from Lt. Col. Grant L. Rosensteel, Jr. I loved it! Tears feel when I read your post about the day that Jay left.

Dee – Love the pictures! Jon is a hottie! You look great also!

Carol – My prayers are with your husband and you.

Dan – I hope you enjoyed your trip.

Mamabets – Welcome Back! We have missed you and Danny!

Sherry/Marcia – Thanks so much for sharing the pictures of Sherry’s beautiful children Davey and Lisa. They look alike!

Trudi – Love the picture of your two boys!

Marian – Sorry I missed Dan’s day.

Will talk to you all later.

Sonya (Danielle’s Mom)

[mikesmum]

[user=27856]homeschoolmom[/user] wrote:

I'm sitting here overwhelmed by your love and compassion, and my dear husband walks by and asks if I'm not getting more depressed reading the posts, and I reply, "how could I? Rohan can't get more dead!" He looks at me, goes "huh! I guess you're right!"  Think that may be the end of that... At least I get a chuckle partway through this day that already seems waaayy too long. Thanks guys for being there...

Love and Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

From Marcia - there is so much music out there about the pain in losing your child.. who would have ever known???????????????? I wish I didn't , I wish we ALL didn't know..... but I am glad we have found each other.

Shelly - My other half used to be concerned when he would find me here reading and posting all hours of the day and night.  He thought there was overwhelming loss here and it might drag me down further.  He has come to understand that it's this site and the 'family' within that gave me the soft place to land when I needed it most.     

As Bonnie says, I wanted to understand why moreso than accept.  In Mikes case, I understand (clinically) why, but accept the death of my child - ain't gonna happen.

Dan - Love the head stone.  Lasering can only go so far, but I think you captured the essence of your nephew.  The website is wonderful, Josh Groban song is one I heard early might have been Greg who posted it.

Marcia - There would have been a time when we would listen to these amazing words and music and thought 'what a nice song'.  How our worlds have changed, we now connect in an entirely different way - these are the words of loss..

Lorri - Thanks, now I 'm flying into and staying at the right place it might make life a little easier.  I hope you can relax and enjoy the cruise.  I know when I travelled earlier this year, I would be okay one minute writing cards home and hit the wall when I realised I couldn't share any of my adventures with Mike....

Sonya - Always love to see that beautiful smiling face....catchup is hard here, but no apologies needed.

Daily routine, walking the Muttley dog...then a fun packed day of doing the taxes, scrubbing the house and snoozing........

Take care - Trudi

 

[shorty16]

Dan

What a beautiful gesture to your sister and the loss of her son.

Did I tell you your sister e-mailed me at home thanking me for lighting a candle for her son.

I was so impressed she took the time to thank me.  What a great person she is.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Dee

"A Day doesn't go by" is about it!!!!!!

I do think of Brian every day.  I wonder what he would look like, he was changing into a man.

Then, I try to think of something funny he did - that is not hard.

It has taken alot of work for me to force my mind to think good and not bad.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[daveydow1]

Colleen----I know what you mean....."A Day doesn't go by". We think of our dear

sons & daughters every day. They will be with us always because of the love,

and they will always be in our hearts. Peace to you.

Sonya-----So glad you had a nice vacation at the beach. Yes....it is bittersweet,

isn't it?  I know that you felt sad because Danielle was'nt there. I also feel that

way when I go on any trips. We feel sorrowful because we love them so much,

and want to share all the good times, and bad, with our dear children. The

Danielle shells are so pretty---I believe I know of the ones you described.

I got all the equipment together again to do some canning of tomatoes---I didn't

think that I would do anymore canning after moving from the old farmhouse, but

I find myself missing the canning.....am I crazy ???...all that work , but I do like

to do it, and my husband loves the canned tomatoes, and they are great for

any number of soups etc. that I cook in the winter.. So, I'm all set for more work.:?

  Daveysmom,  Sherry

[nicksdad]

Trudi...Thks..not sure what you mean by "lasering can only go so far". I will have a pic in a few days he just finished

for a little boy that passed away. Picture on front of him standing there and on the back of the stone him in a hammock.

The quality is amazing. I really think lasering is sharp and wish I would of done that from the get go.

Colleen..I did not know she e-mailed you. I'm sure she appreciated it very much, as do I.

The guy's site is not redone if anyone is interested www.americanwoodandstone.com

if you don't see something on the site just ask him and he will reply. He is very

nice and super with prices for people.

My next thing is the "4" corner markers to mark of our terrority as I call it since

abolishing the grounds people from our area.

[summergirl]

Shelly - I visited Rohan's memorial site - so beautiful and the words you wrote go straight to the heart. I lit a candle for him - just to cute. I am so sorry that you are having such bad moments - it will get softer for you - although that is hard to believe I know - never in a million years would I have believed that I am where I am today. In those first months, first year we were so busy with the court fighting for custody of Tavian that I am not sure that I went through the "grief process" like others here. Oh, I cried and had meltdowns but always when all were asleep, could not let Tavian see me like that as he would get so upset and cry - I had to be strong for him. When we got custody it was so bittersweet and then I found myslef on that downward spiral, everything fell apart with me and I didn't know how to deal with any of it, so I found an amazing therapist and I found BI - saved my life. My most valuable lesson I learned from here is that it is OK TO CRY, IT IS OK TO SCREAM, IT IS OK TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CHILD AND IT IS OK IF YOU HAVE MOMENTS WHEN YOU CANNOT BREATHE AND YOU CAN SAY YOUR CHILD'S NAME!!!!!  My family here helped me to grieve and learn to live again.

Sonya - no worries about Jessica's b'day - I am sure Danielle and her were partying with all of our Angels and thats enough for me!!   Glad you had a great time at the beach and found lots of Danielle shells. It is bittersweet my friend, times remembered never to be again. 

Trudi - I remember Barry telling me that I probably should not come on here so much as it only depressed me!!!  I don't remember what I said to him but he certainly didn't say those words again. He has this thing in his head that it is too hard to come on here and read, he said it would make him to upset to read about all the children that have been taken - it took a long time but I kept talking about it, sharing a few stories at a time with him and eventually he began to ask questions now and again - but still will not participate. That is ok - he deals in a way that is best for him.  I am happy that we have the guys on here that we do - a different yet same perspective from a man's pain.       Glad to hear you got your plans all straightened out - we all have those moments my dear friend - moments when we just have no idea why we did something so silly - but we are entitled.   You are right when you said you undertand the why clinically but accept the death of your child ain't gonna happen - so true.

Dan - a beautiful stone that you had made for your sister - I am so glad that you are there for each other - many families are not that lucky.  Have a great time with her, she will be overwhelmed by that stone!!

Lorrie - no worries if you cannot post at times, we all go through our moments of just not being in the frame of mind to talk - times that we just need to read or just stay away for a bit - we will all be here when you are ready.   You are going to have a great cruise and moments of saddness but go with it my friend and all will be ok.

Been busy outside - I have power washed the deck and part of the fence - the fence encloses our entire back yard so taking me some time but it looks so much better and keeps me active.  Hot and humid here but I am not complaining - love it.

Must read for a while so I will say good night to all - sleep well and peaceful dreams. Kathy 

 

[summergirl]

Dan - Lasering - it is the best way to go as far as we were concerned - it worked beautiful on Jessica's Headstone and having her picture inserted was another thing that I will never regret.   I visited the site and the song by Josh Groban was one I have not heard before - he is one of my most favorite singers and that song really grabs you by the heart.

FLY ME UP TO WHERE YOU ARE BEYOND THE DISTANT STAR

I WISH UPON TONIGHT TO SEE YOUR SMILE IF ONLY FOR AWHILE

OH MY JESSICA - HOW I WISH IT COULD BE!!  MISSING YOU MY GIRL, MY HEART - MOM

 

 

[mpsmom]

Kathy,I love this picture of Jessica, so laid back.............smiling that smile. 

Hugs,  marcia Bethanys mom forever

[mpsmom]

Here is the only picture ever taken of Bethany and Tyler together, always with her phone in her hand.   She asked him to accompany her to the company picnic for the company she worked for.  Her sweetness seems to shine thru in this picture, I am so happy she was able to experience this kind of love before she was taken form this earth, he loves her so much, even now.

I miss her so much today !!!!!!!!!!   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever   

I love you Angel Girl.

[mikesmum]

Marcia - Yep I can see the shine, she is truly beautiful.

Kathy - I see where Tavian gets that 'cheeky' look.  She too is beautiful.

Dan - I think I meant the depth of images is limited by laser being two dimensional. 

Don't worry - my scatty brain and I went to the Tax Agent, without all the relevant paperwork...thankfully she has been my agent for the past 6yrs and knows me.  We were laughing about the 'anally retentive' precise nature of my earlier returns where paperwork was in chronological order with receipts and notes attached....

Ahhh well.....just needed sometime to remember where the car is.

'always on my mind', yep I get that too.  Whether it be the day he left, a memory of a day gone by or just wondering........

Trudi

[lolynbo]

IF U WANT TO SEE THE LINK OR VIDEO..OF KOURTNEYS KLOSET ON TV GO TO

KXII.COM AND FIND THE VIDEO OF NONPROFIT HELPS OTHERS..ETC..

[ericasmom]

Marcia, love that photo, so sweet. Kath, always have loved that photo of Jess. Col, you have indeed worked hard to see and seek the good, I hope that you can feel the doubling affect of the good.

Tonight on the news, I was saddened to see the death of an 18 year old in the same town in WIsconsin that Jeff and Donna are from. The boy was shot in a robbery of an ice cream jplace. Jeff and Donna, I will pray for the town and for the family and friends that love this boy.

Peace all,

dee

[mikesmum]

[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

IF U WANT TO SEE THE LINK OR VIDEO..OF KOURTNEYS KLOSET ON TV GO TO

KXII.COM AND FIND THE VIDEO OF NONPROFIT HELPS OTHERS..ETC..

Lorri - Say her name, say her name....Kourtney is so much a part of bringing lifes necessities to children who othewise may be forgotten - they won't and neither with your beautiful baby girl. 

Dee - Thoughts and prayers with the family as they struggle with there loss. 

Trudi

[nicksdad]

[user=17130]mikesmum[/user] wrote:

Dan - I think I meant the depth of images is limited by laser being two dimensional. 

Oh ok I get it now. We have one of those real pictures oval shaped on Nicks stone so I know what you mean. But, being color blind the 2 colors work for me

I just think the things come out so amazing looking.

[shorty16]

To my BI friends

Sherry - My grandparents used to can tomatoes.  They grew them also.  My Grandma used to can pickles and pickled beets (yum)  Made my pee red though?

Dan - I bet your sister cryies tears of joy when she sees the stone etching.  I know I would.

Marcia - Tyler is a handsome young man.  How long were he and Bethany dating?

Bridget - Sending my love to you.  Hoping your day has a little ray of sunshine for you to hang your hat on.

Shelly - Rohan is closer than you know.  He will always be in your heart.  My husband never questioned me going on this site, I know he cannot document how he feels, he can barely talk about it.

Sonya - Welcome back.  Love to see Danielle's beautiful face again.  Glad you had a great time.  Do you need a vacation from your vacation?

Cindy - So happy to see the avatar of Tanner.  I think of you often.  May you also see alittle sunshine today.

Jeff - Wow, you lost your washer and dryer in the flood also?  Our basement was not damaged that bad, just 1000 sq ft of carpeting to the curb.  We are not replacing it.

Amanda - How is that Baby bump doing?  Feel that little boy kicking is truely a mothers joy.  All three of my kids kicked the hell out of me.

Bonnie - How is the weather in Texas?  I think you may have some of our summer, because Wisconsin has skipped summer this year.  Unseasonably cool here.

To all those we have not heard from in a while; my love and prayers for a good day are yours today.

Enid (Ethan's Mom), Kay (Johnny's Mom), Val (Geoff's Mom), Betty (Stephen's Mom, Betsy (Rich's Mom), Pat (Adam's Mom), Marian (Dan's Mom), Terrie (Adam's Mom), Lynn (Kayla's Mom), Patricia (Sonya's Mom), Cindy (Jame's Mom), Patty (Lori's Mom), Deneace (BJ's Mom), Gerry (Matt's Mom), Dale (Avery's Dad), Julie (Cory's Mom), Lyn (Danny's Momma), Dawn (EJ's Mom)  - and anyone I may have missed.  Sad this list is so long.

Colleen, Brian's Mother forever 

[ericasmom]

LORRI< I love the video feed of the Kourtney's Kloset story. I loved it. I agree, her name speaks golden to my heart, her love and her legacy feeds so many. I am very excited to have seen this. Thanks.

Sonya, I am so glad that you found so many shells, Danielle Shells. I think I can see them in my mindseye, the kind that I like best as well. Twisted long white and pearly grays, and browns. I pictured you there, with Mattie and Danielle walking beside you with that beautiful smile cast on you, her wonderful MOmma. Her wonderful Family. I know sometimes the further away from the first year the more poignant the moments, and as you saiad, now the shock is gone, so it is all there to feel. Sensory overload at times. Be kind to yourself. thanks for the compliment, my Son is a cutie to be sure.

Love to All,

Bridget, how was the doctor's appt.?

[mpsmom]

Lorrie, the story and video of Kourtneys Kloset was great, it is so large and nice inside, what a wonderful legacy for your sweet angel to leave behind, I especially liked that they got a good shot of the beautiful sign with Kourtney's Angel on it that Monty made.  I think it looks just like her.  It must be bittersweet for you.  You have done such a wonderful thing in her name.

Colleen, Bethany and Tyler were only officially dating about 4 months, they new each other for much longer.  He comes over at least once a week and has coffee and breakfast with me. 

Dan, I love Nick's new picture he looks so much younger in that one? Is he? How old?

Colleen, Trudi, Bonnie, Dee ,Carol and Kathy--------- WOOHOO--- counting the days !!

Trudi, glad your airline and hotel are on the same island in Hawaii... Do you always travel alone?   How exciting for you to tour the world. 

Bridget, how did your doctors visit go?  Amanda, how is baby boy??  Sonya, strangest thing -- I found what you decribed as a small "danielle shell" on our front steps a couple weeks ago ( we live in the desert) :?..... To everyone that has taken a step back from the website, we still think of you and hold you close in our hearts as you visit the darkness.

Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[hotsauce]

I'm sorry, I thought this was a site for people to talk about our adult children and how they died.  and how we could help each other find how to live again.  i lost an only child and all i have been reading about is somebody vacation.  i sorry if i offend anyone, but this seens more like an everyday meeting place.

 

[homeschoolmom]

Having the strangest day- distanced myself from the kids, don't want to talk to my hubby, and even managed to get royally tired of myself! now I am cleaning up the house in silence, because even music annoys me today :?... Hope I get out of this funk soon- it's totally cramping my style.

BTW-my new puppy, a Shih Tzu named Max, is about 8 weeks old.  Normally he has a rather healthy appetite and frequent bowel movements. Since yesterday afternoon, he drinks a little but has hardly touched his food.  All he seems to want to do is sleep.  I don't know if it's the heat, but I'm a little worried.  We only have one car here in Jamaica, and the vet is 90 minutes away, so no way for me to get him seen today.  Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Embassy in Kingston 3 hours away (for Akiem's adoption-seems like the processing took longer than expected and my fingerprints are outdated!), so I probably couldn't take Max in until Thursday.

I prayed for you all today,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

[user=33864]hotsauce[/user] wrote:

I'm sorry, I thought this was a site for people to talk about our adult children and how they died.  and how we could help each other find how to live again.  i lost an only child and all i have been reading about is somebody vacation.  i sorry if i offend anyone, but this seens more like an everyday meeting place.

 

A few days ago I hit bottom, and my friends here at BI were there to help me up. My son, Rohan, died the day after Christmas- he was 7 years old.  I also have 2 girls, and we are in the process of adopting a little boy.  I have found on this seven month long journey, that I don't spend everyday in a hole.  Sometimes I see the sunlight and feel its warmth. Then I can spread some hope, and even joy. Othertimes,  like now- I can't give anything, but I can allow myself to be filled up with the warmth and compassion of caring people who understand because they are there. Sometimes we need to step back, other times we can jump on in and get wet, and revel in the moments as best we can.  Life isn't lived in a vacuum, and hopefully we aren't all at the bottom at the same time. 

Vacations are important, and an affirmation that we can move beyond the pain and try to start living the new normal.  There is nothing wrong with sharing the mundane matters of life- Fortunately the greater part of our lives is spent in the mundane...the everyday.  Our bodies weren't designed to go without rest and relaxation, and grieving adds so much stress to us.  What we share here is relationship...the good, the bad, the downright ugly, the exciting and yes, even the mundane. 

I'm sorry that you are irked by the stories shared on this thread, but if I may say so in the kindest way, perhaps you are feeling a bit like me- snapping at the world because it has let us down.  I'll be praying for the sweet breeze of peace to gently soothe you, and for a ray of light and hope to penetrate this darkness and allow some joy back into hearts battered and ripped apart.

Blessings and sweet peace to you,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[daveydow1]

Marcia----I just love the pic of Bethany & Tyler. Such a nice pair. I feel badly

for Tyler....losing a friend that meant so much to him. Bethany looks so sweet,

with the pretty white blouse, and her smiling face. It's just a lovely pic all around.

Colleen----Thanks for your reply.... I imagine that your grandparents canning

tomatoes, pickles, and beets brings back nice memories. I mostly just do the

tomatoes anymore, but used to do many other things too. Too funny.....beets

making you pee red . Peace to you. 

Dan,----I like the new avatar of Nick. He is so very handsome. Lasar may be

something we will think about when picking out another stone for Dave. (The

new one will have his, father's, & my names on it.) Thanks for the post.

   Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mysonrich]

Mary Ann, this is a place to talk about the way our kids died but also a place to talk about the way our kids lived. . I understand how you're feeling. I asked myself at times and even today, how people could go on and talk of things that seem so trivial. I never felt that way about the kind people that post here because I know the road they travel. Vacations and sea shells are not trivial when you understand that we as parents see our kids in sea shells, birds, dragonflies, the sky, the stars , colors, music . In all things we see and remember our kids. We know they died but we want to remember that they lived. Someday you will be able to share the memories. please continue to visit and post. One moment at a time, only ask that of yourself.

 

 

Betsy, mysonRich

[heartbeataway]

Shelly,

I would get the puppy checked as soon as possible! It may have ingested something.

Kathy, Jessica's Mom, can attest to how important it is to have them checked.

Once again, I have to tell you how much I love reading your words ...... just love it!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Colleen,

You forgot that I'm no longer in Texas.  I live in Virginia now. ;-)  But, I still have friends in Texas and they are burning up it's so hot!

Now Virginia on the other hand is beautiful and the weather has been remarkably nice.

hotsauce,

Wow!  I'm sorry you're disappointed with us.  We have become a close knit group who likes to share our lives with each other.

You are where so many of us have been.  You can't think about anything other than the loss of your child.  We all live the loss, breathe it, eat it , sleep it and it's our shadow so to speak.

But, and I know this will be hard for you to believe, there will come a time that your grief will become softer and you will also share other things.

I'm sure it can be irritating and you don't want to know what others are doing, don't they know your child died?  I use to wonder how the grass could continue to grow and the birds still chirp.

There are several folks who have lost only children. We lost our only son, my only child. It's not easy! We lost our future too in many ways.

But regardless of how many children one may have, the loss of a child is absolutely life altering.  Nothing will ever be the same. Does having more than one child lessen the devastation or the pain?  Personally, I don't think so.

So, I would encourage you to continue to read, share if you're up to it, and leave if we're just not what you need right now in your journey.

You will not find a better place to draw strength or find comfort.

You're just at the hardest stage of your journey. You're raw with grief and you can't imagine being any other way.

It will get softer, you will get stronger, there is life after losing a child. It just takes time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Shelly,

It's funny that when I read your posting.  I've had a weird day also and when I was suppose to be going out to the store, I dilly dallied and ended up doing the floors. I just wanted to be quiet also.

Marcia,

Sweet picture of Tyler and Bethany. It breaks my heart to look at these pictures and our children who were so full of life. There's a lot of innocence in the picture. Thank you for sharing.

Dan,

Love the stone. I need to do something for Jay.  My mind just can't settle on anything.

Kathy,

Your beautiful Jessica ...... she has the hair I've always wanted. Not sure if I ever told you that.

Oh well, I really do have to make a quick run to the store.

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Maryanne, this IS an everyday meeting place for many of us, but all of us have been at the place that you are now, only weeks or months into a journey that sucks the life out of you. I am 6 years into this journey, and I come each day that I can ( often in the summer because I am a teacher, and have summers fairly free). I come here to both voice concerns of mine, and to assist where I can with the worries or concerns of others who are much newer to this journey. Sometimes it is just knowing that someone somewhere in the world is reading about my Child is enough. It allows the parent to grieve in word, knowing that the life they are grieving is being understood by everyone here. It allows the Parent to let all the hurt and anger, if there is any, all the events of the Child's life and death to be spoken/written. It allows and encourages Parents to repeat as often as they want/need, the events that are replaying in their hearts and heads.

I agree with Shelly, and Betsy, the mundane chores and happenings of life are life, and it is a new world for most of you. It is one I have learned to live in and have found joy once again as time has allowed this, time and hard work, time and hard work and this place. So while your pain is fresh, new, it will change... some days feeling bigger than the sky, and one day feeling more managable, it will vacillate and a balance will be found, but never will you lose the sense of your Boy, nor will we lose the sense and spirits of our Children.

I do believe that many have welcomed you and have asked you to post more about Your Brian when you felt that you could. I would love to more about him so that we can learn who you are missing, and learn about you so that we can better assist and be good listeners. Everyone here has been enveloped by the group that exists before them. Some post often, some not as much, some go away for a while to be quiet with themselves, and some just stay to continue to be a part of something bigger than them. I hope that you will find this place a respite during the hardest times of your grief, but if not, I hope that you will find another venue for your hurt.

Shelly Dear, I know those days when sensory overload causes even the favorite music to be turned off. The hurt alone is enough to do this, but to have young ones to take care of as well is  a stretch for your nervous system. I admire your ability to take care of others as well as a puppy, all with the legal issues of adoption...and so my prayers are for you to take very good care of you, remembering the basic needs for a body to function under stress. I wish sweet dreams of Rohan to make you feel his peace and keep posting so that you are able to tell your story, let your heart unload while we hold you close. Baby pup may need to go on a little diet of rice and broth.

Love,

dee

[ericasmom]

Bonnie, we posted at the same time. I agree with all that you wrote and put so beautifully, that it is hard to fathom the grass growing and the seasons changing when our Child dies, especially in those first months of loss. Maryanne, we really do know that sense of frustration that all around us, even here, life goes on. But it does, it is supposed to, and we are here for what ever reason, so we find our stride and live our best lives. I have always felt that I need to live my best life in order to honor the life of my Girl, who would kick me in the butt if I let it go on without me.

Peace one day,

dee

[briansdad]

When people talk about the world going on without your child it reminds me of the poem I wrote right after Brian died.  The part that really hits home here is " Life should stop,but it never does,It's almost like he never was"

I now know he will always be as long as one person remembers him.

Greg

[ericasmom]

Thanks for that Greg, but boy, I see how special he will always be and how he is not only remembered but loved throughout each and every day.

God bless. Hey, post the whole poem if you see fit. I would love to read it.

dee

[daniellemom]

Sherry – Canning tomatoes will be so relaxing to you and something good to look forward to in the winter months.

Colleen – A vacation from the vacation would be nice. But I’m back in the real world now. Vacation Bible School for Mattie this week and James is getting ready to go back to college next month and garden is still kicking my butt.

Marcia – Love the picture of Bethany and Tyler.

Way to go Kody on your first win!

Mary Ann (Hotsauce) - I’m so sorry for your loss. I was the one on vacation last week and I missed everyone here and I took a little bit of each of the children here with me on my vacation. I prayed for each person on this site. Tell us more about your Brian what did he like? And no more talking about my vacation.

Dan = Love what you did for your sister it’s beautiful.

Bridget – I’m so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place to find wonderful people that may be able to help you along this journey. And any friend of Dee and Eri’s is a friend of mine!

Trudi – Glad you had time with the grandchildren. I so wish I were coming to meet you all in MN. Please take lots of pictures.

Shelley – My prayers are with you and I hope softer days are just around the corner.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

[lolynbo]

HOTSAUCE, ARE U FRICKIN KIDDING ME....HOW THE HELL DO WE GE THROUGH THE DAY IF WE DONT TALK ABOUT HOW WE ARE TRYING TO LIVE WHATS LEFT OF OUR LIVES NOW CALLED HELL....IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW ABOUT VACATIONS AND ETC. MAYBE THIS ISNT YOUR WEB PAGE..

IF IM ALOUD TO SAY THIS...I THINK THE VIDEO WAS GOOD ON KOURTNEYS KLOSET BUT WISH IT WOULD HAVE TOLD OF THE OTHER THINGS WE DO IN THE COMMUNITY LIKE SCHOOL SUPP AND BACK PACKS....BUT YES IT TURNED OUT NICE...

WELL GUESS I WILL SURF WEB TO NO MORE ABOUT MY CRUISE.............

[cameronsmom1]

Colleen,

The baby bump is great!! Getting bigger as you can see! I have been feeling a lot more kicking too so that helps just to know that he is in there and ok. I had a doctor's appointment today and they said that everything looks good and they sent me for extra tests just to make sure I don't have any antibodies that would cause my body to fight against the pregnancy so hopefully that all comes back negative. But he also said that unless I go into labor sooner or something comes up during my non stress test then he will do an amniocentosis (sp?) to see if everything is developed ok and then probably go ahead and take him at 38 weeks so looks like I only have about 17 weeks left at the most!!! I'm so excited and nervous!

Amanda

[mpsmom]

Amanda, How cute, but where is your pretty face?????   So glad that the pregnancy is progressing as it is supposed to.  Lorrie, I hop eyou and Monty and Kody have a great relaxing trip, I know it will be hard without your girls with you.  We have talked about going on a cruise agian, but I am not ready to do one, dont know if I ever will be, We went on a Christmas cruise 2 years before Bethany died, she and Larry did eery possible activity the cruise ship had to offier.  Some things will never be the same.  

Mary Ann , I am sorry that you do not feel comfortable here, it is difficult to jump in and read and figure out who is who and when and where and how we all lost our children, we do all have that in common though, just like you. I lost my only child, my sweet angel duaghter, Bethany to sudden heart failure September 20th , 2008.  I am coming up on what we call her 'anegl date' the day she left this earth to be with the other angels.  A nice way to think of it, i suppose.  We are all here to share the stories of our children, some days we will all be on an upbeat ..other days two or three or four of us fall flat on our faces and grasp at the rope that keeps us from falling into the bottomless pit of sadness.  I miss my daughter every single day, i have finally gotten to the place where i dont cry every single day.  On the days that I find myself taking steps backwards I am here to talk about how i feel from the depths of my heart and inevitably someone else is there to help me through it.  We are a group of mothers and fathers who have become very involved in eacch others lives.  We talk about waiting on autopsy reports that  come with no rel answers to the "why" ?? questions.  We talk about picking out the perfect head stone for the cemetary, we talk about how our closest freinds have disappeared becasue they just dont know what to say.  Pleae , when and if y ou fell ready, tell us about you child and how you are feeling, and how you are managing to function at whatever that level of functionion is.  I am sorry to rambe on, but I know on some days ... we may seem like a bunch of old hens tlaking about our day at the mall, that is not what we are about.  You may notice some of us getting excited about the "reunion" trip,.  This is an informal reunion that six or seven us us are flying and driving in from all over the country ( USA) and Trudi is comingin from Australia... we have never met each other face to face, but feel like sisters because of the support system we have all developed here.  I am flying in from the Las Vegas area to Minneapolis for 4 days to meet the mothers who have saved my sanity since my daughter died suddenly.  If you are up to it ...scan back 20-25 pages and sit and read, you will slowly get to know us and understand who we really are and why we are really here.

Hugs, Marcia            Bethany's Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Greg:  " Life should stop,but it never does,It's almost like he never was"   I completely understand, some days it seems like the life with my daughter for 17 years was the dream, not her death..... you know how we wake up and keep hoping that the day they died was the dream....   ??     somedays it feels as though Bethany and having her with me was the dream, maybe I made her up all in my head, otherwise WHY would she not be here now.  thank you for sharing... I also would love to see the entire poem if you feel like sharing it.  Sonya ...Welome back home.

Marcia     Bethany's Mom Forever

[4everjoeysmom]

Hotsauce, Yes! This absolutely is an everyday meeting place. The difference between this everyday meeting place and others, though, is that no one's stomach turns and no one tries to change the subject when we bring up our child's name, or talk on and on about how much we miss them. Most of us, when we have a rotten day, it's even more rotten just because our kids are not here too. But when we have a good day, a story to share, vacation pics to post etc, it serves to remind us that there is hope that we can enjoy little things in life again in the future, beyond the abyss of pain and grief. It takes time to get to that point. But we've all been where you are and travel the same journey of losing a child. Some of us are just ahead, but not so far that we can't stop and wait to walk alongside another who is hurting. Maybe now is not a great time for you here. But please don't disregard the site totally. You may find that another day, even this one or tomorrow, you will find a pearl of wisdom or a blessing that will carry you through a difficult moment where no one else has understood or offered what you needed in that moment.

Love & Hugs for the journey!

Claudia

[mikesmum]

[user=33864]hotsauce[/user] wrote:

I'm sorry, I thought this was a site for people to talk about our adult children and how they died.  and how we could help each other find how to live again.  i lost an only child and all i have been reading about is somebody vacation.  i sorry if i offend anyone, but this seens more like an everyday meeting place

Posted: Tue Apr 8th, 2008 10:02 am (Australian Time)

I stumbled onto this site in the middle the night some months after Mike died.  I guess I was looking for something, anything to explain why Mike died, why all the pain all the tears couldn't bring him home.  My 'normal' coping mechanisms were gone. Everything I knew to be true in my life seemed now to be gone; within a blink of an eye I was so totally lost. 

Here I met others who knew my pain, heard my unspoken words and wrapped me in their cloak of wisdom and experience.......without ever having known "Trudi" and all that once meant.............I am still lost, but have joined a group who as am I taking this journey, make time in their lives to stop and offer whatever they.  We move on one step at a time.....

I thank the BI staff who maintain this site, and am indebted to those who saw the need and filled the void........

The above is a post I wrote one year after I joined here.  Its as relevant today as it was then.

Maryanne - This is a site for all parents who have lost their child.  You will find the parents that have lost their only child seek the same answers as others who have lost more than one one child in their lifetime.  The avatars remind us why we are here.

Yes we are a daily meeting place where you can share your darkest days, embrace that one day where you managed to remember your child with a smile & find that soft place to land when you really need it but can't find it anywhere else.

As for the holidays - well the one I'm about to take will give me the greatest pleasure.  I am going to meet my 'lifesavers'.  The parents of the kids I believe Mikes energy hangs with.

I hope you are able to stay and embrace the true essence of this site - it won't bring your child back, but it will allow you to find a place where the life lived is something to be celebrated.  It is never going to be the same again, but somehow we do find a way to take one more breath in honour of our kids.

Dan - Love the new avatar.  I guess he is one of those kids who just never took a bad pic.  Sorry about the colour blind thing, both step sons have the same problem!

Shelley - The puppy really needs to be seen.  Muttley is a ?shitzu X maltese who presented with similar probs.  He had eaten chocolate (the one day my grandbaby decided to share)!.  The lethargy and barely taking water was a sign of something wrong.  I hope all goes well with the paperwork.  Thinking of you. A picture of the Muttley boy is attached.

Betsy - I am a big believer of celebrating the days of our kids - not just their last day.

Amanda - Hey I look like that but mine's a post baby body - my baby is 32!!  Hope all goes well with last 17 weeks you know we are all here waiting the first pics of your boy.

Dee - Make sure Tink is riding shotgun in August - cant wait.

Carol - I hope your other half is going okay. 

Some one asked 'do I always travel alone'?  In 1996 my then husband presented with stage IV dementia, diagnosed with hydracephalus. Even after surgery our lives changed forever.  He left me.  All I did for the next couple of years was exist. The kids moved on with their lives. - I didn't.  I wanted more and from that I began to travel alone.  Now while I have just had an amazing time with my 'new' husband, he doesn't like travel.  He is also struggling with 'the new me'.

So the short answer would be not always, but moreso than not.

[mpsmom]

Trudi, isn't Mutley a pretty dog... so very white and jet black.. with such a happy little face...

Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

[lolynbo]

MARCIA AND TRUDI, THANK YAL SO MUCH FOR THE RESPONSE YOU LEFT ON THE WEBSITE I GAVE YOU...SO VERY SWEET...

AND HOTSAUCE...AS YOU NO WE ARE ON A "JOURNEY" BUT I JUST CALL IT HELL...AND MOST TIMES I HAVE BAD DAYS BUT JUST ONCE IN A WHILE I HAVE A GOOD ONE...AND TODAY WAS NOT AS GOOD ONE...IM SORRY I GOT UGLY....IM JUST NOT MY SELF ANYMORE WITH OUT MY BABY GIRL...AND I DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER BE..

IM SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS AND THIS PAGE IS WHERE YOU NEED TO BE BECAUSE WE LAUGH, WE CRY, WE TRADE RECIPES, WEBSITES, VACATIONS..AND EVEN PICS OF CRITTERS..IT WILL HELP YOU

[homeschoolmom]

Bonnie, you make me smile, in spite of my all-day growl

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

Marcia loved the pic- so much promise and "springtime" love.  Gosh, was I ever that innocent?  Seems like I was born old.

Lorrie, Even on your bad days, you make me smile and plain laugh out loud at times.  I am thankful for you and your way of expressing yourself.  congrats on Kody's win.

Sonia, I put my earbuds in to listen to some music and the first thing that popped into my mind was Danielle's avatar.

Claudia, praying that all continues to go well for you and in your ministry.  Your words always resonate with me.

Amanda, I'm here almost green with envy...I miss those days:P.  Actually, not really, I was the morning sickness queen.  I loved the babies once they were out... Hubby's been hinting...wonder if I should take him up on it?  Probably not!

Dee, in my mind you're like a sprite, a free spirit.  Like a fairy godmother. I love the way you reach out and fill us up with warmth and hope, but always remind us to take care of ourselves...just like a real mother. Thank you.

Dan, my eldest brother lost two of his sons and I'm thinking that might be a nice gesture to have both photos engraved on a plaque. He is a cop and the accident where he lost his 6 yr old happened just a few yards from the station and he's always contended that there was some cover-up... the judge didn't agree, but almost 6 years later, he is still as angry as ever.

Trudi (hope I get this right) I think you have Muttley. My shih tzu is just plain hairy, almost where you can barely see his eyes.  I tried pinning his hair up in a topknot, but he just squirmed around until he got it out. I guess he must like hair in his eyes. Max is black and brown with a bit of white on his chest and paws.  My camera fell off the balcony and my hubby officiated at the funeral.  He loved that camera.  I'll try to take a pic with my phone and post it.

Tony is a Brit- he loves his tea.  I'm off to another cup...of coffee. And cheesecake.  He put up curtains in the master bedroom this evening so I guess my days of exhibitionism are over:P. Ah well...

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama