Loss of an Adult Child

[nicksdad]

[daveydow1]

Carriebear,----Thoughts & prayers for you on your friend, David's, ANGEL DAY.

Trudi,----Great pic of Jay. I bet you were so happy to get a photo of your son,

that you had never seen before.  Oh,.....The horse in the pic....not my horse

(I wish) . The horse in the pic is a registered quarter horse...a beauty for

sure. I had a grade (unregistered) quarter horse.....all black. He was not of

the quality breeding of the horse in the picture, but I loved him, and we had

such a good rapport....loads of good memories.

Dee,---Yep,.....the horse was my 'bike'.  He was such a pet. Always will remember

 him. As a pre-teen and all during my teenage years, horses were my big passion.

My dad said I might as well  live & sleep in the barn !

[mysonrich]

David, now a rainbow in the sky.  Peace and warm memories to your family on this day.

 

[johnnysmama]

Carriebear

may you feel David around you and Donna today and it bring you peace and love.

 

Bridget

Big welcome honey. You have found a most wonderful, healing place and Dee is a very amazingly smart woman. Feel free to share about your Mom and beautiful Eri.

 

Trudi

Thank goodness we have those pics of when our kids were little. More priceless than anything. Love the edit job.

 

Colleen

I feel now that I have glimmers of hope that I can move on with my son in my heart. I still get brought back to the abyss at times but my heart isnt living there full time anymore. We are changed arent we????? I am still discovering the new me in this new normal.

 

Well we are slowly getting Steph's stuff together for college. She is having a lot of mixed feelings. So am I. I think she is most afraid of being away from her sis, Emily. She and Emily are best friends. They help each other on this journey so much. I think she is a little afraid to be seperated. They act a lot like they are twins. I just so want her to be happy again. She became a diff person after Johnny died, too. Not quite sure what to say or do for her.

 

Stay strong all

Kay

[shorty16]

Kay

My daughter Michelle is going into her second year of college.  She started her freshman year 3 months after Brian's death.

It seemed like Michelle's self esteme was reduced.  She was unsure of many things.  I just kept telling her "You are very smart and can do this." 

We as parents, need to reinforce the great aspects of our grieving kids.  Especially with girls.  Just keep telling her how wonderful she is and how proud you are of her that she has come as far as she has in this short time.

As far as boys go - I am at a loss.  They just destroy things - other peoples things.  AJ is getting better.  I am screening his friends.  We have had to keep him at home and monitor his every move, because he makes poor decisions. - Hard on him, because of the summer, but even harder on us, because I want him to be happy.

Any help with boys would be appreciated - Men on this forum?

Colleen

[shorty16]

Carriebear and Donna

My prays and loving thoughts are with you on this first angel day. 

 

I sent a balloon up into heaven for your boy on Brian's Angel day. 

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Claudia

You hit the nail right on the head about the anger phase.

When I think of those boys, I am still very angry.  The anger comes from how Brian died - the stupidness of his and the other boys choices.

My kids are worse.  My daughter verbalizes her anger.  Ugly statements.  Aaron acts out his anger, but does not talk about it much.

That is my last major hurdle --- anger. - I am asking God and everyone to pray that I may find peace in my soul and help my children get over their anger also.

As far as my husband, he is still in the "I do not want to talk or think about this, because it makes me physically ill."  He does not have the anger, but Scott is wired that way - never really does get angry.  I know he is disappointed in himself, but we have never blamed each other for this.  We agreed to that the night Brian died.

Colleen

[beezer]

Colleen, Dee, Carol, Sherry, Lynn, Marcia, Trudi, & everyone else that posted such kind words of welcome and encouragment....THANK YOU! They mean the world to me! Thank you for making me feel so welcome.

In time I will get to know each of you by name, so I apoligize if I left anyone out. Please bear with me while I get to know everyone.

I have been on this site for such a short time, but I have felt so much support and love in that time. Thank you. I hope to pass on that same love and support to you all as well.

And thank you for the words of encouragment to push through this awful physical pain. It's amazing how physical grief is. What a toll it takes on your body. The mornings are especially difficult for me. I think I've been having nightmares that I don't remember because I wake up feeling anxious and wound up. I don't feel any relief until the tears start flowing. Has anyone else experienced this too?

I have an angel charm that I recently bought on vacation with my family that I carry with me now, as well as a little photo flip book my aunt made for me of my mom. Just looking at her picture brings me a calm feeling. Even if the tears are flowing, it still makes me feel so good.

Thank you all. Lots of love. Bridget, Patricia's daughter & Eri's friend

[mikesmomrs]

Bonnie: 

Carol,
I hope your husband is feeling better.  We will miss you in MN.

I didn't see this until this morning...I do plan on going to MN.  Hubby is doing better, and usually when he has a flare up like that, it is a while til he has another...so, hopefully, all will be well for me to go...I am making my plane reservation on the 30th....that is when we get paid....and I will have the 14 days left that is required to get the lower fare. 

Yesterday was just a busy, busy day-- spent it with Damon at a picnic, where all he wanted to do was play ball...with me chasing it all over the park!  On the way home, after dropping him off, I had a total meltdown...each mile I drove brought another memory, another stab of pain, another heartache about thoughts of the future without Mike here...everywhere I looked, it seemed, there were young men, running, driving, walking, but not Mike...  When I got home, I was totally cried out and hurting so bad that I just curled up and finally fell asleep on the chair...  I think this may have been precipitated by an event that occurred the day before.  Hubby and I were out, and when we stopped at a red light, there was a car beside us, with a young man and his wife and little blonde haired 3-4 year old.  My instant thought of course, was of Mike, Sarah and Damon...and as I looked at the driver, my heart just about stopped...he looked exactly like Mike when Mike had shaved all his hair off.  He had the tattoos, the same profile, the same everything...It is truly so strange that even so far out, we can see something like that and our brains fail us...our instant thought is "Oh, he really isn't dead, it was a mistake, look, there he is!"  And then our hearts remind us and pull us back into the present..."no, this is the mistake, what I am seeing now...Mike really is gone."  And it is truly amazing how all those thoughts can pass through our brains and our hearts in an instant!

Fortunately, today is better...and being able to come here and tell what happened and know that others truly understand, is one of the best blessings I can think of right now...thank you all, so very, very much, for being here, and for the understanding that I know is here, as well. 

So, yes, Bonnie, and others, I do plan on coming to MN...  I just need to get over the thought that I do have to go through Chicago/O'Hare to get there...   I am not a "good" flyer, and I have always said that if I have to go through Chic/O'Hare to get somewhere, then it is not somewhere that I want to go!  But, as I told Marcia, as we all know, we don't fear death now as much as we did "before."  So, I am going to put on my "big girl" shoes and get myself to Minneapolis!

Sherry:  Love the pic of the horse...congrats on posting!  

Claudia:  Will be thinking of you as this week travels through our hearts...you and I have been on this journey together for a long time...our "Tea-mails" helped us through many heartaching moments...I thank you for each one, and pray for strength for you for this moment, as well.   

Carrie Bear and Donna;  Thinking of you and sending prayers for peaceful memories to fill your day. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  speaking of that "little bit of light" that helps us through...I have long kept this picture to remind me that there is always a little bit of light for us to hang onto...I love how the whole barn is completely dark, except for that little bit of light at the doorway...beckoning us to "hope."   Mike liked this picture, as well

[mpsmom]

CarrieBear and Donna,  

May the memories of your sweet David hold you close today on his angelversary.  Know that our children (and friends) watch over us everyday from heaven, they are happy, safe and forever young. 

Warm Hugs,  Marcia       Bethany's Mom Forever

[lostwoher]

Carriebear & Donna, bless you today as you remember only good memories.

Its getting closer and closer to the 1 yr angelversary and I am finding myself slipping into the abyss. Plans were made to enjoy this weekend but all I want to do is curl up in bed with the curtains drawn shut.

Today I signed the final paper of the design for the headstone and made another payment. Tears have started and I dont see an end any time soon. I will post a copy of the design or of the poem soon.

Would have liked to have met everyone in MN but its a bad bad bad time for me. Do know that I will be there in another way close to you all.

Have a warm weekend with plenty of sunshine

Lynn

[mpsmom]

[align=center]Remembrance 

[/align]

[align=center]You can shed tears that she is gone,    [/align]

[align=center]or you can smile because she has lived. 

You can close your eyes and pray that she’ll come back,[/align]

[align=center]or you can open your eyes and see all she has left. [/align]

[align=center]Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her,

or you can be full of the love you shared. [/align]

[align=center]You can turn your back on tomorrow

and live yesterday,

or you can be happy for tomorrow

because of yesterday. [/align]

[align=center]You can remember her

and only that’s she’s gone,

or you can cherish her memory

And let it live on. [/align]

[align=center]You can cry and close your mind,

be empty and turn your back,

or you can do what she’d want: [/align]

[align=center]Smile, Open Your Eyes,

Love and Go On.[/align]

Author unknown 

[mpsmom]

I am sorry that the poem took up so much space, i worked with it several times, this is the smallest i could get it when i did cut and paste.... this poem is in a double picture frame we picked up last weekend, i hung it right away and today put Bethanys junior year golf picture in beside the poem ...what a great smile on her face --- she loved high school.  I think the poem is great, when i saw it in the store it brought tears to my eyes...

Hugs, Marcia   Bethanys Mom Forever

[heartbeataway]

Marcia, great poem.  I have read it before.  It's truly touching!

Carol ---WaHoo!!  You're joining us in MN!!

I'm flying through Chicago also.  What airline do you normally fly?  I'm flying Southwest.

Lynn,  hope today will be a little softer on your heart.

[hotsauce]

Hi everyone, this is mary ann (hotsauce) i am really having a hard time trying to figure out this site, i must be stupid or just can't think straight for now.  I lost my son Brian at 22y.o. to leukemia and i want to thank you for your warm welcome. reading the notes, i seen alot of the same pictures of your children, you are right about this being a family place to be.  I am sorry we all are here, this is my second post and i hope to talk with more of you later.  someone please tell me how i can get a picture of a only son BRIAN, on this site. thank you

lots of hugs to everyone

[beezer]

Hi Mary Anne,

My name is Bridget and I am also new to the site. Don't worry about havning a hard time with the site. I had a hard time navigating it at first, and I design websites for living! It took me 2 days to figure out how to add profile pic, but this is what you do:

Click on "My Account" on the top left of your screen. Under "Watched Topics" you'll see a link for "Avatar." Click on that and it will allow you to upload an image file from your computer to use as you pic. Hope this helps : )

CarrieBear and Donna - You are in my thoughts and prays today.

Marcia - That's a beautiful poem. I'm glad you posted it. It made we both smile, and cry.

Bridget, Patricia's daughter & Eri's friend forever!

[shorty16]

Marcia

Love Love Love the poem.  That is exactly what I have tried to do with my Brian.  He was such a funny spirit that crying all the time is not a rememberance to him.

Thank you, I am going to pass this on to people that I know could use it.

Colleen

[carriebear]

Dear friends, my BI family,

thank you all so much for your thoughts, prayers and for remembering us today...as you all know it means so very much!!!

I usually can't post on the weekends; I don't have internet at home, but I am at Donna's now and so was able to show her all your kind messages & Dan, your beautiful picture made us smile & cry, thank you!!!

We are having a candlelight vigil tonight from 8-9 at David's doorway to Heaven.  We're taking 29 balloons, red white and blue, with a marker so people can write messages to our Teddy Bear in Heaven.  Donna made some awesome banners, "support our Troops" and "honor our veterans" and also "watch out for motorcycles".  I'm hoping to get some good pictures of them and the balloon release.  

I still want to share photos with yall from our trip to yellowstone, it was amazingly beautiful and we got lots of signs while there.  It seems like since we got back everything has been sort of a blur, leading up to today.

Bless you all, thank you so much from the bottom of our hearts for remembering along with us. 

Love,

Carrie & Donna

[ericasmom]

Carrie and Donna,

sorry I have not posted today, so my thoughts for a kind and peaceful day for you are coming in late. I do so hope that the evening is lovely and that you both feel David in the breeze, in the gathered people. RIght there with you and he must be so proud and thankful for the ways you connect to us and back to his Momma and to Him.

Blessing then for you as you walk through this threshold of time, and place your steps into the new day.

Bridget, lovely words from a heart so big. YOu are being held and cared for by so many Mommas and Dads. I am very glad that you are feeling the love.

Kay, so good to hear you say that you feel yourself in a new day. I know that going through the transforming times has been difficult, but here you are, walking and talking and moving forward. Like Colleen, and Lynn, adn Marcia, and everyone in front of them, the process, while horrendous, winds its way to today.

I bet it is hard on Steph and Em, and you too. It would be hard to leave the family house after spending this intense time trying to find out how the family will fair...Steph will find out that she has a strong family that will support her while she is at school as well as welcome her home each and everytime she comes back. Our Children hold an awful burden on them as they are so afraid of causing any more pain or separation. My thoghts with you all as you prepare for this time, this new piece to everyone's lives.

So Bonnie, great photo, and it is clear that Jay is a lot of fun, tha the kept you on your toes. Always ready to make you laugh.

Carol, I am sorry that you had that moment of complete reversal of what happened. I have had that and I too, was amazed at what can happen in a moment. The images, the memories...where do they come from in a flash? I was given a truly amazing book by my niece Katie on Eri-Fest day. It is called; What it is by Lynda Barry. It is in graphic novel style, (which is somehting I don't like generally) and then it is in collage and some of the most thought provoking images and questions grace the pages. I love it. Plus the wman is my age, 53,and grew up in a harsh environment, so Ifeel aligned to her. It really goes along with free thinking and imagination and hope.

I love the house you posted, in the snow, with a bit of light.

Betsy, how are you today? HOpe you are feeling some sense of beauty today, I say this while gazing at the clouds and the colors they cause.

Sherry, great bike, the 4 legged variety. A nice life growing up on a farm, I used to dream of it.

My heart and my love to all, Nick, great way to show David off on this special day.

Peace,

dee

[ericasmom]

Pretty cool that you are already helping others Bridget. Makes me smile. I both cried and smiled at the poem Marcia posted as well. Thanks Marcia, it is beautiful, but not necessary to apologize for space taken. What is the space for?

I have a photo that I love and never framed, and when i finally do, I will also have a card framed in the frame with the photo of ERi, the card reads;

                  i

      stood on tiptoe

  gazing into the distance,

 interminably gazing at the

road that had taken you...

       

         (I miss you)

-chi'in chia's wife

Maryanne, I am glad that you want to put up an avatar of your Dear Brian. I know that this road is tough, very tough, as well as I know that this is the place to be as you travel it.

Lynn, I am sorry that the date coming up is starting to throw its rope around you. THere is no avoiding the stronghold that the anniversaries have on us, it is simply part of the process and unavoidable pretty much. At six years,  istill become anxious and fidget about, I am agitated for the month prior to Erica's dates, and once we are beyond them, I fall flat for a few days. This is a pattern that does not surprise me anymore, but it sure is draining. The timeing is such that the stone being completed seems a sad magic. And we will hold you as you have held all of us, and you will continue to move forward, even when you doubt that you are, just as we have. We love you. Remember, some days, once in a while, are okay to hide under the blankets.

Claudia, it was nice to see Joey's face smiling out, hope things continue to improve for you and the townspeople.

love,

dee

Peace one day,

dee

[lolynbo]

I NO  YAL ARE ALL ASLEEP...BUT HAD TO SHARE THAT KODY WAYNE WON HIS FIRST RACE...NO ONE WAS EVEN CLOSE AND HE EVEN PASSED THE LAPPED CARS...

HE GOT OUT OF THE CAR AND WAS CRYIN , BEAR HUGGED HIS DAD AND SAID.."I WISH KOURTNEY COULDA SEEN THIS..."

I THINK SHE WAS RIGHT THERE WITH HIM THE WHOLE TIME..

[mikesmum]

Marcia - This poem was one of the early 'affirmations' I printed and put on my fridge so everyday I would see it and understand there are many ways to remember Mike.

Lynn  - I guess with each payment, signing of papers the reality begins to break through.  Thoughts with you as you come up on your angelverary date.  Best I can offer, and what has begun to work for me, its not about that day.....your childs life is made up of so much more....

Carol - Yeeehhaaaaaa!!!  Can't wait to see you!  I know that thump in the chest when someone catches your eye and the connection to  your son/daughter is so real.  The heart never stops loving and looking.

I'm flying Northwest from LAX, hopefully they are a highly regarded airline!!

Grandbabies here overnight.  Emily and Caleb.  Em has strong memories of Mike, Caleb not so much. As the sun broke thru today and without a word Emily and I faced it arms out wide, eyes close "meerkats"!!  Something Mike started with her when she was about 1.  He also trained his pup Kody to do the same.........Caleb just looks at us...but we know - Meerkats Mike!! Oh yeah we also do it at major shopping centres with skylights! 

Lorri - Congrats on the win!  Pretty sure Kourtney wouldn't miss her baby brother in his finest hour...

Do we have final numbers for MN?  Anyone?

Trudi

[shorty16]

Great Job Kody!! Winning the race.

Kourtney was there, right with you!?!?!?!?!

Colleen

[ericasmom]

WOOOO-HOOO Kody Dear. I think Kourtney was sitting on the dashboard, smiling her beautiful smile at her dear little bro.

My husband and I will be driving, taking a little time on our way, maybe a tiny vacation (a day or two), since we have not had one in so long...but essentially, once there, he will be sitting somewhere reading and reading and enjoying himself away from home. So I am free to do what I like once there without having to worry 'bout' him being bored or anything. He will come to the Saturday dinner, but he is an early to bed guy so he won't be hanging out long.

Indeed bring a warm sweater or sweatshirt, maybe a rain-slicker, but be prepared for warmer weather too. In my opinion most places are over air-conditioned, so I usually need a jacket or sweater when I go out. Feast or famine, freezing or hot-flashing. I have no interest in going to the mall of america, so if some of you are there for a few days earlier, please don't hold up for me. I love to shop, don't get me wrong, but I prefer outdoor shopping, and am not fond of giant places.

Love to all on this pretty Sunday, hope it is pretty for you too.

PS meerkats? Trudi, so I should face the sun and outstretch my arms and welcome the day like a meerkat, or say meerkat? I love the vision this has given me.

dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Lynn, I'll also be thinking of you as you reach 1 year. Joey will be gone 3 years come Friday the 31st. I can't believe it, still. 1 year was SO hard for me. I kept myself busy, hosting mission groups, and that helped so much. last year wasn't quite as bad as the first, but I cried a lot. This year, I am not in an abyss. But I have been so busy moving (and ALL that entails) that I haven't had much down time to dwell. Maybe that's good. Maybe it's not. But it still seems this 3rd year is even not as bad as the 2nd. So, I am hopeful as my times in the abyss grow ever shorter and far between times. I can actually spend a lot of time thinking of Joey, and feel warm inside, happy in good memories, and at peace in knowing the good-bye here will NEVER be our end. That umbilical cord from heart to heart of mother and child NEVER severs. The love forever flows through it.

Wishing you love and comfort as you remember and grieve. ~Claudia

[lolynbo]

JUST SO I CAN BOAST A BIT MORE...(CLEARS HER THROAT)

Buddy's Crushed Cars Hobby Stock "A" Feature

1. 22K Kody Boatright

2. 5 Vance Wilson

3. 44 Bryan Wilson

4. 20 Nathan Sexton

5. 8H Ray Allen Hoedebeck

6. 15 Glenn Smith

7. 1H Cullen Hill

8. 222 Gene Crowder

9. 81 Jim Buckaloo

10. 18 Jimmy Buckaloo

11. 93 David Borden

12. 19 Fred Buck

13. 80 Ralph Brill

14. 69 Alvin Mann

[mikesmum]

Dee - Just to get the full impact, arms reaching out, head just a little tilt, eyes closed, wait for a minute or two then 'Meeerrrkkaatt', out loud. 

I love outdoor markets the more eclectic the better.  I am intrigued though about the Mall.  A friend of mine talked about a Mall in Canada that remembles a small city.

Booked my accomodation in Hawaii.  Will be there for 4 days before winging it back home after seeing you all.

It is 14 days, 16 hours, 49 minutes and 45 seconds until Tuesday, 11 August 2009 (Melbourne time)!!!   :shock::?  Feel like a kid going on an adventure!!!

Claudia - sounds like things are finally settling for you with a promise of a brighter future, your strength of faith amazing and unshaken.

Trudi

 

[heartbeataway]

Trudi,

Good grief!  You are going on an adventure!

Hawaii?   Which island? 

You go girl!

[mikesmum]

They call it the big island?!  Want to visit the Pearl Harbour Memorial and of course there is the snorkelling!   My mum always wanted me to see the world.  Her sister moved to Iowa as the war bride of a US Navy guy in the '40's.   They caught up in 1980 after dad died.  Unfortunately she passed before we could travel to the US together. 

It is quite a big adventure, but since Mike has passed I seem to have become fearless.

Sherry - I think it was you who commented on the picture of Jay.  Jay is Bonnies handsome blonde boy, but I too have received pictures from Mikes friends that I had never seen before.  Great they have them, brilliant they send them, even more heart warming they never forget him...

 

[summergirl]

Carrie & Donna - I have not posted all weekend and just wanted to let you that I am thinking of you and I hope the day was easy on you and the evening a success with the balloon launch for David.

Bridget - welcome to BI - the best place in the world to find "survival" - this family is the closest family in the world and you will find that you can say anything you want, cry, laugh and be "who you are" here.  It is always so wonderful to welcome a new member but so very hard becuase of the reasons we are here. I am sorry for your loss of your mom and your wonderful friend "Eri" - we here have come to know Eri so well through her beautiful mom Dee - she is our lady of wisdom, strength and courage and I am proud to call her my friend - she, as others here, have helped me to survive this journey.   My Jessica was 26 when she passed suddenly from ARVD, on Feb 18, 2006.  If not for BI I do not believe I would be where I am today.  I understand the panic attacks as I have suffered through them for a long time - not so much anymore as I have learned to control them but it is a very scarey thing.  Holding all of your emotions inside and being the "strong one" will eventually catch up with you - as you well know now - so it is a good thing that you are here with us. Look forward to sharing much more with you.

Lorrie - you tell that Kody - HE IS THE MAN!!  I am so proud of him and I know that Kourtney was dancing up a storm (thats why we had thunderstorms!!) with all of our Angels celebrating her brothers first place - whoo hoo!!!

Carol - so glad you are going to the reunion!!  I know about putting the "big girl shoes on" as I too have that fear of flying although much less than I used to.  Chicago O'Hare is not so bad - just make sure you know where your next gate is before you get off the plane - it is a big place. I always have a connection in O'Hare when I fly to Iowa to see my family.  I am still working on reservations and think I have found a good deal from Expedia - straight through flight which I like better than having to take off and land 1 or 2 times.  Hoping it all works out as there is nothing I would love more than to meet my family face to face so we shall see.

Marcia - beautiful poem - I printed it out - many thanks.

Sherry - you are getting there girl with the posting of pics - very proud of you, knew you could do it!!

Trudi - your a funny lady - counting down the days, hours, minutes and seconds!! You are one excited traveler!!  Love the pic of the barn with the one light - so serene.

Another camping trip for a week - going a week from Looking at a bigger camper for next year - Tavian is growing and needs more space - or I should say I need more space!!  Looking at one with a walk around bed for Barry and I at one end and a double bed with bunk over top at other end for Tavian - a slide out livingroom and much bigger kitchen and bathroom.  Tavian is at the age where he wants a friend to go with us so definitley need more room and privacy as our bedroom will have a closable door!! 

Tavian is having a wonderful time with his other grandmother!!  I talked to him on Friday and he wants to stay one more week - I must say I was crying when I hung up as he has been with them for 3 weeks already - longest I have been without him and although I am happy that he is having a good time I MISS HIM!!!  They have been doing alot with him, the circus, the carnival, going to the ocean, the bay, shopping and lots of other activities so I am happy for that - I would rather he be doing that then at a camp so all is good.  It is working out better than I had hoped so am forever happy that she and I talked. But can't wait for him to come home - the day he comes home we will head out to our camping beach so I will have a whole week with him and not have to work.

Love you all but hubby is cooking me dinner so I must go eat.

Jessica - many thoughts of you sweetie as I sit here today, very cloudy out with rain heading our way - I went downstairs to make some popcorn and started crying as I always made it for you when you came over on yucky days - then we would watch silly movies on Life Time and color - memories so beautiful just like you. I miss you and love you so much - mom

[mikesmum]

Okay - O'Hare is scary, but what about LAX?  Is that okay?  I have to get from International to Domestic and I don't speak the language!!  (lol).  We live 3+hrs from the airport here so I'm staying near there before I fly out. 

Kathy - Another mum who has come such a long way.

Heard this on the radio.  Listened to it and it really sums up my life from Jan 07.  I love the lyrics and the melody....

Look down - the ground below is crumbling

Look up - the stars are all exploding

It's the last day on earth

In my dreams

It's the end of the world

And you've come back to me

In my dreams

Between the dust and debris

There's a light surrounding you and me

It's the last day on earth

In my dreams

It's the end of the world

And you've come back to me

In my dreams

And you hold me closer than I can ever remember being held

I'm not afraid to sleep now, if we can stay like this until

It's the last day on earth

In my dreams

It's the end of the world

And you've come back to me

In my dreams

In my head I repeat our conversations

Over and over til they feel like hallucinations

You know me - I love to lose my mind

And every time andybody speaks your name I still feel the same

I ache, I ache, I ache inside

  Hey baby boy...love you my son my son. 

 

[briansdad]

Here, is a song we played at Brian's second car show. When your see the lyrics you'll know why. He died Sept 30th 2004.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tHRSw38OtQ&feature=related

[tanmanmymagicman]

Well Brian's dad; we played allot of green day at Tanner's services and I think that was one of them....I got about 1/2 through yours...whats up with that;;;;;;;;awesome song.......strong willed to hear it and share it; September will always be the month for you as August will always be the month for me....

Don't know whats up today; other than its a very quite sunday......I am unmotivated, its hot; and I am so lonely and miss my boy so much I can hardly stand myself....Still so sureal so I guess you could say I am having a totally off day; but then again we can have those days.......

Bless all my friends here; all so excited about getting together for the reunion.......I am so proud of all of you...; My blessings to everyone new and old here........

Tanner's mom Cindy;

[mpsmom]

Greg, Bethany left us September 20th, 2008,   I have heard this song many many times ---- but never listened to it...thank you for sharing, it is one I will put on my IPOD now that I have heard it again.  

HUgs, Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

 

Trudi---you must go snorkeling at Ha-na-ma Bay ( i am not sure how to spell it) one of the most beautiful protected reefs in HI. 

[summergirl]

Trudi - love that song - the words are so beautiful. I am going to have to join utube I guess so I can learn to make videos and find music.    I really don't know anything about LAX but it can not be any worse than Kennedy International, LaGuardia Airport or O'Hare so no worries my friend you wil be just fine and I think you speak the language just fine!!!

Greg - I believe you made a video to that song last year if I remember correctly and it made me cry - lots of pics of Brian. I can understand the words "wake me up when September is over" - I feel that way about February.  I love how you can put the music to the pics and everything fits so perfectly.

Cindy - sure know about those off days - don't know what to do with yourself and the ache of the loss is so intense.  So many days will go by that I can laugh and enjoy everything around me and then one day it just hits like a tornado crushing you with the weight of the loss we endure.  On July 21st Jessica would have turned 30 and I could not accept it - it just could not be true, she is forever 26 in my mind, always and forever young.  We all experience those days but as time goes by you will find they are farther between, I used to think that if I didn't cry every day then I was forgetting to grieve for my Jessica, that I was letting her "go" but have come to find that you never get past the grieving or let go - you learn that smiling is ok and living is ok because our children are and always will be in our hearts and thoughts. I know that our lives are forever changed but we can make this new life one that is worth living. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

Love to all and sweet dreams - Kathy

[mpsmom]

Way to go KODY !!!!

 

[daveydow1]

Bonnie----I'm sorry that I responded to you, but mistakenly replied to Trudi

about Jay's pic that his friend gave to you. Must have been one of my 'flaky'

moments . I know very well that you are Jay's mom. Anyhow,....it was nice

that his friend gave you the pic that you had never seen.. Any little surprise

like that is just something to be treasured, isn't it?  Oh, I just love the pic of

the barn with the light coming out, and snow all around. Yep, I finally was able

to post a pic.....amazing....since I have been trying for some time. When I first

came on the site,  (reading 2003/ posting 2004)  I don't believe that there was

a way to post an avatar, until the site was reformatted. Can't remember for  sure.

Peace to you, friend.

Carol----Thanks to you, also. I did surprise myself when able to post a pic-----but

it was ONLY through help from several wonderful 'helper' from here at BI. Thanks

again to all who helped a bonehead like me .

Marcia----Thanks for posting that lovely poem. It would be a great poem to read

when one is feeling 'down in the black hole' of grief, as we all end up from time

to time. We don't have to be afraid........the love for our kids will never die, and

as long as we have the love, then we have them with us for all time.

Greg-----Nice song by Green Day....Wake Me up When September Ends. I had not

heard it before. Thanks for posting it on UTube for us to listen to.

Bridget----Thanks for posting that the BI site can be a bit of a challenge. If you have

read some of the posts........others are congratulating me for being able to post

pics of my kids. I've been here at BI for 6 yrs. and just now learned to do that.

That is, with the help of all the great people here. I guess it just takes time to get

onto it (especially for me):?.  

Carriebear---Yay! Hope to see some of your pics on your trip to Yellowstone.

To all  BI  friends who are meeting in Minneapolis......I hope you have a wonderful

time. I'm sure it will be memorable.

Kathy----Thanks for your kind words about posting pics. Finally learned !  I loved

the pics of Tav you have posted. He sure is a cute boy, and does indeed look

like your sweet Jessica.  Peace to you. 

Goodnight all---off to bed for me.

               Daveysmom,  Sherry

[mikesmum]

Sherry - Want a flaky moment......I fly into Honolulu but booked my hotel in Hawaii - I assumed they were on the same island!!!   Duh!:?

[ericasmom]

Trudi, love that song, beautifully executed as well.

Greg, I have always liked that song, now I like it even more.

Got to sleep, so that tomorrow I can face the east with arms outstretched and shout MEEEEERCATS!!!

Love and prayers all,

Dee

[homeschoolmom]

I feel trapped – like a wounded animal with no means of escape.  Hurt, heartbroken, imprisoned behind these bars I cannot see. I want to scream, cry, destroy…but what?  I am being held prisoner in a time and place I have no desire to be.  This longing inside me to see my son, to hold him close, to keep him safe is more than I can bear.  On this side of today all I can see is darkness.  My mind knows that the light of tomorrow is just beyond the bend; my heart cannot find the way.  I am blinded by this grief that holds me in its iron grip, inundated by the waves of pain that sweep over me and leave me as nothing… God, I don’t seek to understand, just to accept.  I am craving just a hint of hope and a breath of peace. Just enough to get me to morning.

Shelly,  Rohan’s  Mama

http://rohan-barringer.gonetoosoon.org/memorial/

[mikesmum]

[user=27856]homeschoolmom[/user] wrote:

I feel trapped – like a wounded animal with no means of escape.  Hurt, heartbroken, imprisoned behind these bars I cannot see. I want to scream, cry, destroy…but what?  I am being held prisoner in a time and place I have no desire to be.  This longing inside me to see my son, to hold him close, to keep him safe is more than I can bear.  On this side of today all I can see is darkness.  My mind knows that the light of tomorrow is just beyond the bend; my heart cannot find the way.  I am blinded by this grief that holds me in its iron grip, inundated by the waves of pain that sweep over me and leave me as nothing… God, I don’t seek to understand, just to accept.  I am craving just a hint of hope and a breath of peace. Just enough to get me to morning.

Shelly,  Rohan’s  Mama

http://rohan-barringer.gonetoosoon.org/memorial/

 

Shelly - Our hearts rule our lives when we lose a child.  Each day on this journey we take it one step, one breath, one heartbeat at a time.  Its as much as we can bare.  The pain I promise will find its place so that you may find the ability to take a deeper breath and find that peace that till then will elude you.

I love the words you wrote on Rohan's site - a story of love about a boy who is 'so much more than just the one day when he left'.  If you find it helps share Rohan here with us. Pictures, stories, feelings are always encouraged.

As for the screaming - well I re wrote an affirmation I have on my fridge about dancing like no one can see....it goes something like this..

Cry - if you have the need, it may washaway and ease the pain or just make you tired enough to sleep                        

Scream - if nothing else it will let you and others know you are alive

Laugh - you are allowed, you would have with your child, now laugh with others who remember them too

Live - one step at a time, one day at a time, the way your child would have wanted you too

Remember - memories of times gone by, good and bad.  While the child may have died, your relationship remains........

My heart to you - Trudi

[4everjoeysmom]

Shelly, I am praying for you! I have SO been there, and God has SO delivered me out of that prison--even though at the time it seemed I never would find peace or life with joy. Blessings, HUGS, and much love!!! ~Claudia

[heartbeataway]

Shelly,

My heart to you!  As I read your words, your pain is palpable. I am so sorry!

I visited Rohan's memorial pages and read the many words, looked at the pictures and listened to the sweet song, my heart became full and I felt your loss.

What a beautiful child!

I couldn't help thinking as I read about his love of nature and animals how much your words that you felt like a caged, wounded animal would just break his tiny heart. I'm sure he's sending  Angels to comfort and surround you to heal your brokenness.

[align=center]

God, I don’t seek to understand, just to accept.

[align=left]Your words above have probably graced the lips of every grieving parent. But, when I read them they brought tears to my eyes.  I was told and vaguely remember repeating over and over, "I just need to understand.  I just need to understand why .... why.... why"

I don't believe that will ever happen for me and maybe that's why your words above struck such a cord with me. We are past two years and I cannot accept nor sometimes believe our son is gone. Forever gone. How can that be?

I loved your words of all that you gained from Rohan the short time you held him in your arms. I hope you won't mind my printing them and keeping them. You have a gift with words and I for one was taken by your posting.

I will whisper prayers for you as I go about my day. I send you strength and love as you "seek to accept" the unacceptable.

You have a beautiful spirit.  Thank you for sharing your heart.

Bonnie

[/align][/align]

[beezer]

Kathy - those are wonderful words of advice you gave to Cindy. Cindy, I feel like I've been having an off day for the past week! You're not alone!

Today is an especially difficult day for me too. I have an appointment with a dermatology specialist today to get a full body check out. I've had a number of moles removed over this past year and 6 of them turned out to be atypical. Benign, but atypical. My dermatologist, who is wonderful, suggested I go see this specialist to have another set of eyes check me out. Totally precautionary, but I am still nervous. All of these memories of my mom and the panic attacks over the last 2 months have stirred up major anxiety for me about doctors and hospitals.

I also may have developed a MRSA infection. I thought I got bit by a bug last night while I was cooking dinner, but it started bleeding and turned really red. I went to the emergency room to get it checked out (just to be on the safe side), and it was on one of the spots where I had had a mole removed about 2 months ago. The doctor said it could be a bug bite that I scratched too hard, or it could be MRSA. Scott, my boyfriend, had MRSA last year. He was in an accident and got it from the hospital he was at. My friend's mom and aunt were at the same hospital at the same time and both contracted it too. All three were treated and are fine today, but I still get nervous.

Please pray for me today!

Love always, Bridget

[ericasmom]

Shelly, so so sorry that the pain of losing Rohan is this HUGE, but as all here know, it has to be this way for a while, and one day, that hope that you seek, will get bigger, your heart will feel a bit more whole. I promise you this. This is a time in your loss that probably means the shock of it all has shed itself again, leaving you raw and aching anew. Everyone here is holding you as you try to find acceptance, and Rohan, his beautiful little self, is rocking you in his heart for all time. One day, you will smile a smile that lights you up, and Rohan will rejoice in it. It will take more time Shelly, but hold onto the knowing, that it will happen.

Peace Dear

Bridget, good luck today, I am sorry that last night  found you feeling vulnerable. I hope that today puts that to rest. I love you.

dee

[mikesmomrs]

Shelly:  Holding you close in throught and prayer for strength to get you through this minute, and the next and the next....  I am so sorry that you are being deluged by this pain right now, but as others have said, you WILL come through it, you will, dear friend...the time sometimes seems interminable, we know, but it will happen....I pray your sweet Rohan will surround you with his wonderful spirit.

Bridget:  Sending you prayers for a healthy check-up and that other things will settle and be nothing, as well.  I've had MRSA as well, and though it was a hassle, the right care and following dr's orders gets us through it. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[mpsmom]

Shelley, What a beautiful memorial site you have created for your sweet Rohan, Holding you close in my heart that you will come thru the darkness again. 

Bridget, Prayers for your check-up to go well and ease your mind.

Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

 

[beezer]

Thank you Carol & Dee -

I know I will be in good hands at Northwestern. I am seeing a highly recommended specialist. It just helps SO MUCH to have those words of encouragement to give you that little extra push through a tough day.

Shelly -

May you find your hint of hope, and breath of peace in all of the kind words and well wishes from everyone here. We know the pain you feel right now first hand and we all support you. Please take all of our love with you today to give you strength to push through this though time.

Lots of love & hugs, Bridget

[beezer]

And thank you Marcia!!!

sorry to leave you out of the previous post. I think we were posting at the same time : )

Bridget

[lolynbo]

TRUDI YES HANAMABAY IS GREAT BUT WHAT OUT FOR THE REEFS THEM SELVES THEY GO ON FOREVER AND REALLY HURT..SWIM OUT THEN COME BACK IN...IM NOT KIDDIN THEY ARE AS WIDE AS A CITY BLOCK OR MORE..

LOVED PEARL HARBOR THAT WAS PROB MY FAV SITE TO SEE.

THANKS FOR THE CHECKERED FLAG MARCIA, LOOKED LIKE SOMEONE WAS WAVIN IT..

IMHERE FOR YAL JUST HAVING RUFF TIME GETTIN INTO ANYTING...MY CRUSIE IS LESS THEN 27 DAYS AND IM LIKE.....OH YA CRUSIE....JUST CAN GET MOTIVATED..

LOVE TO ALL OF U...I NO I SUCK AT MY POSTS BUT I JUST CANT CHAT WITH ANYONE...LATELY