Loss of an Adult Child

[daniellemom]

Marica and Kathy,

I so agree with you both on how family can say some things. Where does it come from?? My inlaws do not even say Danielle's name. Never. They were all there during the funeral but after no calls, no visits, no checking on their brother (Danielle's father). His family all leaves within 2 miles of us. I have come to believe that they think if they don't say anything we will not think of our children!! COME ON THAT'S ALL WE THINK ABOUT!!!

Marica - I also think I should live my life for Danielle and laugh and hoot like she did. She enjoyed life to the fullest. And she would tell me Mama you know I have an old soul. Because she would be satified to spend a night home watching movies with us and love it. Go to the beach with her grandparents for the weekend and just be with them, laughing and talking!! She just had an old soul or so she said. I miss her so much and love her!!

My prayers are with you all.

Sonya

[daniellemom]

Lana,

My prayers will be with you on Thursday!

Sonya

[mikesmomrs]

Enid:  I wish so much you never had to find BI, but I know that you will find comfort and understanding here, always.  May God bless you as you begin this journey, and I will keep you in my prayers for strength.

Lana:  You are in my prayers as Thursday comes to you and the sadness associated with it...My wish for you is that reminders of joy will find their way to your heart, even if only briefly, to relieve the heavyness of sorrow.

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[lolynbo]

WANTED TO SHARE MY MEMORIAL STICKER TO YALL...MY HUBBY MAKES AND AND DESIGNED THIS ONE JUST FOR ME...COURSE MY MOM WANTED ONE AND I HAD HIM DESIGN HER ONE JUST LIKE MINE THAT SAYS "GRADDAUGHTER"

HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A NICE DAY...PICKING UP THE GRAVE BLANKET TODAY IF IT ISNT DARK I WILL SEND PIC OF IT

[lolynbo]

I GUESS KOURTNEY WAS AN "OLD SOUL" TOO SHE ALWAYS WAS DOING THINGS WITH US..HER FAMILY....

MY SON KODY (16) IS MAD AT HIS SISTER KIMBERLY (24) BECAUSE SHE DOESNT MAKE TIME FOR US...I MEAN HE IS ANGRY WITH HER....BUT I TOLD HIM "SHE HAS ALWAYS DONE THAT, WHEN SHE DOES COME IN SHE GOES VISITS HER FRIENDS" HE SAID HE "DIDNT CARE SHE SHOULD BE HERE WITH US' I DONT WANT HIM TO BE ANGRY WITH HIS ONLY LIVING SIBLING NOW...BUT HE IS RIGHT I DO NEED HER MORE, THEN SHE GIVES...

I THINK MAYBE HE FEELS ITS ALL ON HIS SHOULDERS TO HELP MOMMY AND DADDY THROUGH THIS...POOR LITTLE BIG GUY...HE IS 220 ABOUT 5'11" AND JUST A BOY IN A MANS BODY...HE HAS BEEEN THROUGH SO MUCH...BUT I DONT WANT TO TELL KIMBERLY HOW HE FEELS SHE IS DOING WHAT SHE CAN...SHE LIVES 1 1/2 AWAY AND WORKS FULL TIME WITH FEED THE CHILDREN...AND I KNOW SHE IS BIZZY...

I AM SO THANKFUL I HAVE KODY (AND KIMBERLY) BUT KODY IS TRUELY HELPING ME MORE THEN HE WILL EVER KNOW..

THANK YOU GOD FOR MY BABIES AND MY ANGEL BABY, PLZ KEEP THEM SAFE FATHER

[daniellemom]

Lolynbo,

I really like the sign for Kourtney it's great!!!! I know how you feel about your son helping so much, I also his angry with his sister. It's all part of the griving process. My son is 19 he was 17 one month shy from 18 when Danielle passed away and he was angry with anyone he could be with sometimes me and his Dad. I think alot of times kids think they have to be strong to help their parents. I know you are very proud of all your children!

Sonya

[arc4ever]

Lorri:

I LOVE your sticker!  I would really like to get a personalized one for myself from you, but understand completely if you don't want to part with the design as it was made especially for you.  Let me know either way, really it is okay.

I'm attaching a copy a copy of a sticker that was designed by one of Adam's friends.  The kids sold the stickers at school to raise money for Adam's scholarship fund.  And we have given the sticker to many friends and relatives.  Adam's sticker is riding around on many cars and motorcyles!

[lolynbo]

SO YOU WOULD LIKE ONE LIKE MINE THAT SAYS ADAM? I CAN GET HUBBY TO DO IT...HE KINDA BIZZY BUT EMAIL ME YOUR ADDY AND I GET IT DONE FOR YOU...

[arc4ever]

Yes, one that says Adam maybe with a red heart?  I'll email you.  Thank you

[cameronsmom1]

Lori,

Do you think he could do one of a baby with wings lying on it's stomach on a cloud? I want to get one for my car and would also like to get a tattoo of it with Braydens name in the cloud.

Amanda

[lolynbo]

I CAN SEE, LIKE I SAID COULD BE A WHILE...DESIGNING IT AND ALL..I WILL LET YOU KNOW.BUT SURE HE WILL

[cameronsmom1]

Thats fine, tell him to take his time. It would just be nice to know someone can possibly do it. Thanks!! I've invited a few people I know to the candlelighting and I think Melissa West is gonna come! So we will see you there.

[mpsmom]

Sonya, today is a bad day for me, thank you for your thoughts..... our girls are in heaven together, and that brings me peace that my daughter is surrounded by such wonderful kids...... Hugs to all of you ...Marcia

[johnnysmama]

Lana

Will be thinking and praying for you on Brent's birthday on Thursday. How tough to share a birthday.

 

Marcia-Bethany's Mom

Welcome to you and hang in there-you are still trying to figure out how to breathe in and out again. Your daughter is so pretty and happy looking.

 

Trudi

When does it end for you? I am so sorry for your news. A lot to take in and deal with.

 

Dee

Hope Michael is hanging in there and Jonathon, too. It never ends for Michael either.

 

Ethans Mom-such beautiful words and you are so right to do what you can as far as going back to doing what you normally would do-it is a new normal you are trying to find. How old are your children?

 

Take care all. So many tough times for you all my heart is heavy for you. I will pray as I do daily for you all. Please share all you need to and know I am listening.

Hugs to you all,

Kay

[mikesmum]

Enid -  This is a journey no one wants to endure.  It is a membership to a club we didn't want to join. 

Feeling as though we are 'not in this world', well for me that came when I lost Micheal.  The very core of my being was shattered.  All I held to be true was now gone. 

When we lose a child, we see our exisitence and our place in the world around us changes forever.  While we seem for all intense purposes to be the same to the outside world, we know we are altered.  For me its almost like I am from another world, visiting here with those who can never understand the perpetuity of our grief.

As for the comments about 'being over the worst of it'.....well for me the worst of it is not seeing my son, hearing his voice, feeling his warmth, so until then I am not over any of it. 

The blessing of BI is being in our own 'parallel universe'. A place where to say a name brings joy.  Where getting over it is not the focus, just being is.  Where to mourn a child is not seen as a disease, but a celebration of the love a parent  for their child.   A place where an otherwise dark lonely eternal journey is shared. A place that when we get 'lost', someone who knows finds us.

Micheals siblings are older than many spoken of here. They have their own families and lives.  Their loss though is twofold. They lost their older brother and with that the mother they once knew. 

It isn't all doom and gloom. I found once I understood that I am no longer "of this world" I stopped trying to assimilate.  I let go of the frustration with those that 'just didn't get it'.   Micheal will always be my son.  For 31yrs he was part of my life, that will never change.......

Greg - Yep guys are hardwired to be the granite on which we place our fragile lives.  To be the protector for all that may harm us. Many women who aspired to this status also face the harsh reality of being human.  For us though I guess the expectation is it okay to 'let it out'.  For guys, they implode.  No visible exterior signs, but the wheels do eventually fall off, many times years later.  

Take Care - Trudi

oh yeah -  Hey Micheal Shane Love Ya!

[summergirl]

Marcia - I am sorry that I asked you of the details of your daughter's passing - it is your right to post as you feel and as to what you say. It was the similarities of our daughters' passing that made me stop in my tracks and wonder why a heart in a young woman can just stop beating.  I will always reach out to all that are here as it is what truely holds that thin thread of my life from unraveling to the point of breaking and getting lost in the black hole.  I will go back and look at your postings. Thank you for sharing what you could. It is wonderful that you meet on Tuesdays with her friends - the young ones seem to "get it" much more than family and friends of our own age.  i wish you much luck in finding your "new normal" - let me know how it goes and maybe I can join.

Isn't it funny how you have thoughts that you cannot put into words and then you come here and there it is "in this world but not a part of it"!!!!  Not exactly how it was written so forgive me but it fits!!

Dee - yes Barry is really struggling but according to him he is fine. I sat and talked to him tonight and told him that I feel as though we do not know each other anymore, I asked him if he had to say something about me what would he say and his answer was "you are very depressed and angry at the world" - I was stunned and told him that he was talking about himself!!! Then I really let go and talked and cried and he left for a meeting at the firehouse!!!  Came home, had dinner and is now watching tv as though we never talked at all. But -- I am not giving up and will keep after him for as long as I need to so we can be the family we all need.    Yes, it was diffacult to decorate but you are right about the stars in Tavian's eyes and it is all worht the struggle to smile and be extra cheery. He is happy and that makes me happy.  Thank you my friend for your usual "lift me up"!!

Sonya - sounds like we live in the same world - I have not heard from my moth-in-law since the day Jessica passed and the only thing she said to me when she walked in my door was "you have to be strong"!!! yeah, ok, I just went to the hospital to see my daughter lying in the trauma room, begging her to open her eyes and I needed to be strong!!!!! She has not been to my house once since then and God forbid we talk about Jessica or our feelings because Kathy might fall apart and cry and make everyone uncomfortable!!  Maybe they should think that if just once when we are all together (of course that would be holidays only) that they might just bring up a good memory of my Jessica and they might just be suprised to see me smile, to know that they actually think about her!!   I have decided to let it go - my plate is way to full to have to think about them any longer.

Lana - my arms embrace you this Thursday.

Lorri - memorial sticker is beautiful!!! your husband is very talented and I know he is busy but IF at all possible I would love for him to design one for me - something with a butterfly - I am willing to pay any price he would need for it. Please let me know and it's ok too take his time - no where to go!!     Jessica was an old soul to in some ways too - preferred to be with us and our friends, going to the beach, parties etc. She loved coming over and spending the weekend with us just hanging out. I miss her so.

My dear Trudi - "being over the worst of it" - never going to happen - you spoke my feelings extacly - not seeing my Jess, hearing her voice, feeling her warmth - I am not "over it" either.   It is as though we are from another world trying to find out way in this new one - the world of my daughter and what was and now the world of memories and trying my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other.    I lost your "message" to me so is it possible to send it again!!  Thank you and peace be with you.  I am sending a package out to you so wartch for it - it will go out tomorrow from the land above to the land down under!!

My dear Jessica - you surround me today, I long to hug you close and see your smile and hear you say "mom" - many tears today for what could have been. I love you Jessica Lee, my sweet daughter.

Bless all - Kathy

 

 

[summergirl]

If this works it is Tavian standing on the BIG bales of hay - they used them to make a maze for the kids and to climb on - he loved it.

[lostwoher]

Big HUGS & Blessings to all here. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. Thinking and hoping for peace to ALL.

Lynn

[heartbeataway]

The blessing of BI is being in our own 'parallel universe'. A place where to say a name brings joy. Where getting over it is not the focus, just being is. Where to mourn a child is not seen as a disease, but a celebration of the love a parent for their child. A place where an otherwise dark lonely eternal journey is shared. A place that when we get 'lost', someone who knows finds us.

Trudi,

I just want you to know that I think about you often and always wish for strength.  You've had some tough road blocks on your journey to navigate.  The words you wrote are so, "right on".  We are here for you!

With love!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Tavian is a beautiful child!  Thank you for sharing him!

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Lynn,

Our hearts go out to you ........

Blessings!

Bonnie

[mikesmomrs]

Kathy:  such a wonderful picture of a beautiful child...these memories will stay with him forever...

I am so sorry about your husband's lack of identifying with your pain, or admitting to his.  It is such a shame when such a wonderful resource of compassion is right there, but you can't access it...it is closed off.

Trudi:  Yes, the words you spoke that Bonnie quoted...so insightful, so identical to how we all feel but can't seem to find the words to describe it...you have provided them to us through the tremendous bond we all share---the aching hearts of parents who have lost part of themselves.  I am so sorry you are having this extra burden added to your already heavy load.  I had posted a reply when you first posted of the report and records you had received, but accidently lost it, and didn't have the time to redo it.  Please know that you are always in my prayers for strength and peace, my friend.  We here all appreciate your words and thoughts and your communications to our very souls.

Dee:  Still praying for Michael and Jon that they find strength for this battle they are struggling with, different for each, and yet the same...loss, pain.  Jon is blessed to have you to rely on for support and comfort, as is Michael, also. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[daveydow1]

Marcia,

I'm so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter, Bethany. Here at

BI, everyone knows and feels your pain & sorrow. I have been here

over 5 yrs--my son, David, died in a highway accident June, 2003.

I have found this site to be a lifeline. I pray you can find some measure

of comfort here from time to time. It is indeed a rough journey to be on.

Peace be with you. 

                               Sherry

[lolynbo]

YES WE WILL GET JESSICA A STICKER....I JUST GOTTA LET HIM GET CAUGHT UP A BIT...EMAIL ME YOUR ADDY SO WHEN HE HAS RUFF DRAFT YOU CAN SEE...BUT IT BE A BIT

GIRLS LOVE BUTTERFLIES

[daveydow1]

Kathy,

Yes, people do say some terribly insensitive (and maddening) things

sometimes. The old "we all have to move on"  line is particulary

hurtful. What do they think we are trying to do ? ?   Of course they

don't get it that we have to take baby steps, and sometimes a few

steps backwards then a baby step forward, on this rough rough road.

Grrrrrrrrrr........Yes, sometimes we do have to let off steam when someone

says something stupid, and it is healthy to do so. You were right to hand

the phone over to your husband.  

Sorry to hear of your friend's husband passing over.

Peace be with you, friend.

                                          Daveysmom,   Sherry

 

 

[heartbeataway]

lorri,

Is this a business that you guys have?  Or, does he just do the design? Do you have a website where folks can go to order?

I ordered one for my car from a place I found online. It was a little bit bigger than I actually wanted but that was my fault.

You and your husband are very kind to do this ......

Take care ......

By the way, how was your trip to Dallas or have you done that yet?

Bonnie

[4everjoeysmom]

Trudi, You said:

"The blessing of BI is being in our own 'parallel universe'. A place where to say a name brings joy. Where getting over it is not the focus, just being is. Where to mourn a child is not seen as a disease, but a celebration of the love a parent for their child. A place where an otherwise dark lonely eternal journey is shared. A place that when we get 'lost', someone who knows finds us."

I just want to say that I too share these sentiments. And I think this is a most beautiful testimony for this web site as well. If you wouldn't mind sharing it with administrators, I would love for them to be able to see this and use it as a testimonial to support the ongoing efforts in "the community building" of this web site. It seems that the majority of people who come here are blessed in this way, but you put it into such a profound yet simply stated summary. I know it's from your heart. I am blessed by your sharing... Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmum]

Bonnie, Carol, Claudia and all - Thanks for the kind words. You are all, always in my thoughts and part of my 'parallel universe'.  You are the light that shows me my way back when I track off looking for what can't be found......Trudi

Dee - not sleeping tonight. Another Michael needing much prayer and energy seems to be playing on my mind.  Peace to you,  Jon and Michael......

[carriebear]

Hello All,

Please forgive me, I hope I am not being intrusive on your thread here, as I lost my beloved friend David (in my picture).  I read here often because all of your kind words, and prayers, and sharing compassion is a beacon of light to me in my grief.  I feel as I have grown to know and love each of your beautiful, precious children, and I feel certain that they know and love my David.

I am writing in regards to Dee's post with the address for Christmas cards for soldiers.  This is a program near to my heart, because David was a paratrooper in the 82nd Airborne.  The situation with Walter Reed is such that cards addressed "To Any Soldier" or "A Recovering American Soldier" etc, cannot be delivered due to extensive security screenings.  This is short notice, but I just read an article today that the Red Cross is partnering with Pitney Bowes to get cards to soldiers.

The address is:

Holiday Mail for Heroes

PO Box 5456

Capitol Heights, MD   20791-5456

Today (Dec. 10th) is the deadline, though, so if you can get a card postmarked today it will make it.  Anything postmarked after today will be returned.  They are requesting cards only, no letters or inserts like photos, etc.

Here is a link to the website so you can read the guidlines.

http://www.redcross.org/EMAIL/SAF/

Big hugs to each of you~so many hearts are touched in honor of your beautiful children.

Carrie

[daniellemom]

Marcia,

I love the new picture! She looks very happy, was that at a prom? I hope and pray that today is better for you today!

Kathy,

Love the picture of Tavian, he is growing up so fast. Mattie is 6 now and is also very excited about Christmas. I too no longer worry about my in-laws. I talk about Danielle when I want to and when the change the subject, I just let them and no longer get upset with them.

Sonya

[4everjoeysmom]

You all are talking about in-laws... My own brother has not once asked me since Joey's memorial how am I doing. he not once has talked to me and said Joey's name. In fact, he has not once phoned me. He has written me twice--only to ask for prayer for something he was venturing into. Imagine that! My brother! My only sibling! The one who called me to tell me my son was dead. He said then that it was the worst thing he ever had to do. Can he even imagine how much worse it was and IS for me? I have to admit that I've had to seek peace and forgiveness in my heart over and over and over again toward my own brother. It's the only way I can have peace about it, is to just forgive him for being so ignorant, self-absorbed, and careless with my heart..... People! It doesn't matter how close or how distant relatives and friends are, I always seem to find my true "connection in understanding" right here among my friends and family at BI. I love you all, and I am thankful each and every day for the connection I have here with you. Love, Claudia

[daniellemom]

Claudia,

You are so right about this place being your family and friends that really understand. I'm so sorry your brother has not tried to understand and be there for you. Even my family that try very hard to help and let me lean on them it here reading each post and getting the understanding because the people here really understand and because they live it with me. My prayers are with you daily!

Dee, How is everything today? Are you feeling all better? How is Michael? My prayers are with Jon and Michael.

Sonya

[lolynbo]

WELL WE PAD $4000. FOR A WEBSITE AND HE WENT BANKRUPT AND WE GOT JIPPED....SO NO WE HAVE NO WEBSITE..

EMAIL ME AT LOLYNBO@YAHOO.COM AND I WILL FORWARD TO MONTY, THAT WAY HE WILL HAVE RECORD OF THE REQUEST...ALSO WITH YOUR ADDY...SO I CAN SEND EM TO YOU..

HAD A DREAM ABOUT KOURTNEY...BUT JUST SEEMED LIKE SHE WAS JUST THERE...NOT MISSIN ME AS MUCH AS I MISS HER...I WAS HUGGING HER AND TELLING HER HOWMUCH I MISS HER AND SHE SAID A RHYME (SP) ABOUT GLASSES...???? MAYBE IM WANTING TO DREAM OF HER SO MUCH IM JUST ADDING HER TO MY THOUGHTS AND DREAMS...

OK GOT THE GRAVE BLANKET LAST NIGHT...LOOKS BETTER THEN I THOUGHT, BUT IT NEEDS TO BE KOURTNEYIZED....BUT I WILL SEND PIC OF IT..IT IS ONTOP OF THE POOL TABLE IN THE GARAGE RIGHT NOW SO I CAN WORK ON IT....IT IS SOOOO COLD OUT THERE....BUT HERE IT IS..

[lolynbo]

OH AND IGNORE THE GARAGE...IM TRYING TO

 

OH AND WE ARE GOING TO KING TUT IN DALLAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS...JUST FOR FEW DAYS..

KODYS KINDA MAD AT ME AND DADDY BECAUSE I TOLD HIM HE WOULD NOT BE GETTING THE PLAYSTATION 3 FOR CHRISTMAS, IT IS TOOOOO EXPENSIVE...SO IT WAS A QUIET RIDE HOME LAST NIGHT FROM DINNER...IF THINGS CHANGE HE MAY GET IT BUT NOT AT THIS POINT...POOR ROTTON BABY BOY LOL

I REALLY THINK SINCE KOURTNEY HAS BEEN GONE IM SPOILING THEM AND MAKING UP FOR MAYBE WHAT I DIDNT DO BEFORE SHE DIED?????I DONT KNOW...THEN WHEN I CANT SPOIL I FEEL BAD...

KOURTNEYS FRIEND THAT WAS THERE FOR ME THROUGH THIS JUST TEXT ME...(SHE HAD MISSCARRAIGE AFTER MISSCARRIAGE ) AND IS NOW PREG...WITH TWINS AND THE DOC SAID THEY MAY TAKE THEM ON FEB 27TH ....KOURTNEYS BIRTHDAY....IM SO EXCEITED IM CRYING RIGHT NOW....HOW NEAT IS THAT

[daniellemom]

Lolynbo,

You are too funny!! The blanket it very nice, can't wait to see it after you have "Kourtneyized"

Sonya

[mpsmom]

Sonya, the new picture is Bethany at a 'Black & White" party, a big thing here....she loved to be out at partys, all dressed up....

My in-laws also have not called one single time to check on me, they all know AI work from home and am here for the most part all day alone... I think there were 12 of them that flew in from all over the country to attend her services.  There was a definate 'separation' of the two sides of the families everywhere we all were ( his side of the family and mine) ... my daughter was very close to my Dad and stepmom as they have lived nearby all of her life, and when we did not live by they were still always in her life.  We had a friend who does videos for MTV prepare the most wonderful 'celebration of her life video" from pictures of her life, my in-laws were mad because there werent more pics of them in the video.  They actaully had the nerve to confront my husband about this an hour after her service, while we were all out to dinner.  Can you even imagine???????? It wasn't like we had a lot of time to prepare this video, we gathered together about 400 pics and this friend worked day and night to put it all together.  My mom and dad call everyday to see how WE are doing....My husbands sister in law called once a few days ago to see how he was doing.  He called his mom on Thansgiving and she was going to call him back and never did, they were all driving to grandmas for dinner. 

So all of you are now my new family, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart... Lorri, the grave blanket is beautiful, I didnt know what you were talking about when you were talking about having it made... I was imagining a 'blanket' ...This is all so new to me.  I wish I could have Bethany in my dreams, she just doesnt come to me..... she has sent me 'signs' that she is around us often but I cannot dream of her, it is upsetting to me, that every morning I wake up and cant remember having dreamt about her. She is just gone.

All my love and warm hugs to all of you.  Today is a better day..thank you all

Marcia

 

[daniellemom]

Marcia,

It took my a year to dream of Danielle, it was very brief but wonderful. You will dream of her in time. I'm so sorry about your husbands family. I think a lot of time it's they don't know what to say and if they say her name it will make you sad, if they could only see it music to our ears to hear her name!!!

Glad you are having a better day today.

My prayers are with you!

Sonya

[mpsmom]

Sonya, thank you for the reassurance that one day I will dream of her... Like others I have read, I just dont want her to ever be forgotten.... I will never forget but her life has to be remembered forever, she was such a  good girl. 

Lorri, how wonderful that they will take the babies on Kourtneys birthday....what a blessing.   Enjoy the King Tut exhibit, people said that my baby looked like and egyptian princess at her services....we had a ginger lei draped around her chest above her dress neckline (low cut) to cover all the autopsy scars, she truly did look like an egyptian princess, with her skin coloring and dark hair and the cleopatra smokey eyes... How beautiful she is/was. 

Hugs to all of you

Marcia

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Kortney's blanket is beautiful.  What a special idea.  I've never heard of these before.

What does the ribbon say?  Did you already tell us?

We live not far from Dallas.  How long will you be in town? 

Bonnie

[mikesmomrs]

Lorri:  such a beautiful "blanket" to put on Kourtney's grave...Mike has a marker that is flat on the ground, and we are not allowed to put anything that is above ground level, but I could just put something like this on the bench that we have by his marker...it will look really nice..and of course, we would have to dress it up for him, just like you are doing for Kourtney...you are too funny!  Just like all of our kids, I guess, Christmas was just Mike's favorite holiday...missing t hem at this time of year is just natural, but so very painful...  It is great that the little ones will be born on Kourtney's birthday...how special!

Marcia:  the new pic of Bethany is just beautiful...what a lovely girl!  

Claudia:  I am so sorry that your brother is so unfeeling towards you...the pain of the lack of comfort from our siblings is something that never leaves us, and I am glad you have been able to forgive, but I can empathize with the having to do it over and over. 

This time of year presents us with such mixed feelings...the wanting to remember, but the pain that is associated with those memories can be too much, and the reminders are everywhere we look, even more so than at other times.

I did come across this last week, and thought I would share.  It is really beautiful and says so much, though perhaps closest to my heart is "You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source."

To honor you, I get up everyday and take a breath.

And start another day without you in it.

To honor you, I laugh and love with those who knew your smile

And the way your eyes twinkled with mischief and secret knowledge.

To honor you, I take the time to appreciate everyone I love,

I know now there is no guarantee of days or hours spent in their presence.

To honor you, I listen to music you would have liked,

And sing at the top of my lungs, with the windows rolled down.

To honor you, I take chances, say what I feel, hold nothing back,

Risk making a fool of myself, dance every dance.

You were my light, my heart, my gift of love, from the very highest source.

So everyday, I vow to make a difference, share a smile, live, laugh and love.

Now I live for us both, so all I do, I do to honor you.

..................................................................................Connie F. Kiefer Byrd

I hope that all of us, as we prepare and wait for Christmas, whether to celebrate it or for it to "be over," can have at least a few moments when we do something in honor of our precious child who is no longer physically here to share in the day, but we know they are with us, in our hearts, and waiting for us to honor them by "doing."

The little blue bundle sleeping in Mike's arms, is Damon...all of 2 weeks old...this was before Mike grew his big, red, bushy beard...the "ghost" is a hand puppet from "Nightmare Before Christmas," one of Mike's favorites...the "reindeer ears" had tiny little lights that were blinking off and on, even as they slept...

(little did we know at the time, that the reason Mike kept falling asleep was due to the brain tumor that would eventually steal him from us...)

[lolynbo]

I BET SHE DID LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS....BECAUSE THEY ARE.....

WHY IS IT PPL ARE SO INCINSITIVE (SP) (I HAVE REALLY LONG NAILS AND THEY JUST TYPE WHAT THEY WANT) MY DAUGHTER KOURTNEYS "FATHER IN LAW" (HOW CAN I PUT THIS...AROGANT ARSE) WAS HEARD TELLING A FRIEND OF MY HUSBANDS "HE CANT BELIEVE WE DIDNT GIVE BRENT (KOURTNEYS HUSBAND) THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY"....ARE YOU KIDDING ME....NO ONE NOT EVEN KOURTNEYS DAD (MONTY IS STEP) OFFERED TO PAY FOR HEADSTONE OR FUNERAL...AND IM TALKING THAT WAS THOUSANDS.....AND ID PAY FOR IT ALL OVER AGAIN FOR MY BABY.....BUT HOW CAN THIS MAN SAY STUFF LIKE THAT....SHE IS/WAS MY DAUGHTER FOR 22YRS, AND A WIFE FOR 9 MONTHS...I JUST BELEIVE IN KARMA....

OK OTHER THEN THAT WENT TO HOBBY LOBBY (YES AGAIN) TO GET STUFF TO KOURTNEYIZE THE BLANKET...LEFT NOT VERY HAPPY BUT I WILL FIND WHAT IM LOOKING FOR...AND YES I TOO HAVE NEVER HEARD OF A GRAVE BLANKET..AND THOUGHT QUILT TYPE...BUT NOW I GUESS SHE WIL HAVE ONE FROM NOW ON..

HAVE A BLESSED DAY

[lolynbo]

WE GOING ON DEC 26TH TO 29TH THATS THE PLAN ANYWAYS...

THE RIBBON SAYS

"ALWAYS LOVED AND FOREVER MISSED" KINDA SUMS IT UP. ALSO WENT TO OUR LOCAL PAPER AND HAD HER PIC AND THE BROKEN CHAIN POEM PUT IN FOR THE CANDLE LIGHTING..

SUCH A CUTE PICTURE OF HIM HOLDING THE BABY AND TOY...HIM WAS TIRED..

[heartbeataway]

The picture is precious!  I love the writing.  I've saved it.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Lorri,

Maybe we could meet for lunch or dinner or something while you guys are in town or you guys could come to our house for a visit.  We want to see the King Tut exhibit also.

Let me know what you think.

Bonnie

[heartbeataway]

Claudia,

All this talk about our crazy relatives ......

My parents, MY PARENTS, Jason's grandparents were not going to come to his Memorial Service.  They didn't approve of how we were doing things. 

We didn't have a viewing and Jason was cremated.  These were HIS wishes.

We did however, have a family/friend viewing for a very limited number of people. They were there.

My Dad is the only person I ever heard Jason refer to as "hero".  He loved him dearly.  And he wasn't going to come ....... I didn't hear this until a few weeks later. I was just heart broken.

It's been 19 months and they have not called.  I haven't called them either.

The thing that I remember the most,  they never said anything.  They never said, I'm sorry.  They never ask if we were okay.  They never ask if we needed anything.  They never said anything ........

Family ties don't always bind.........

[shuugar]

 On  Dec.6th I blew out the candles on a cake for what would have been my son's 38th birthday.     This will be our third Christmas without him here and although I know all too well the feelings all of you on BI are experiencing, still I wish you Peace and loving memories for the Holidays ahead

 

                                       The journey is short, make it count.

[mpsmom]

Mikesmomrs,

I am drawn to your son's picture with the big beard, He looks like a big teddy bear......he looks in that picture so much like an old friend from 30 years ago who died from an undiagnosed brain tumor ( many years ago -maybe 20years ago, he must have been about 30-33 y/o) ....Larry was his name and they could have been twins.....If I ever come across a picture I will send it via email.... for whatever reason I dont know, but the resemblance is just so striking.  Thank you for all of your support here...I feel I have found a new family, a place I can share my daughter with you all --without making anyone feel uncomfortable. because I want to speak her name.  The poem is great....it is what I (someday) intend to do, live my life the way she lived hers.....I want to simplify and live every minute to the fullest-------no time for all the nonsense anymore, life is just too short, as we all have been forced to face.

Hugs to my new friends,

Marcia

[johnnysmama]

Trudi

I dont know how to thank you for your profound words. The part of assimilating with the rest of the world put all my thoughts and feelings into focus and understanding for me. I wondered why I wasnt as angry at people who just dont get it-I  realized from your words that I do kindof operate in a parallel universe-one that I can survive in. Their world doesnt seem to fit the journey that I am on now. What I focus on and put importance on now makes a lot of what is going on around me seem trivial.

So thank you for helping me understand myself. Thank you for being here on that journey with me.

 

Kathy

Thank you for sharing that sweet Jessica baby with us. He always makes me smile.

 

Lorri

Thank you for sharing Kourtney's blanket with us-it is very nice.I really like your stickers a lot. You are a very busy person.

 

Lynn

Your words are so sweet. Hope you are doing Ok.

 

Peace and hugs all,

Kay

 

 

 

[mikesmum]

Carol - The picture of Mike is priceless.  I have one of my Mike holding baby Jeya Christmas 06.  She is Steves daughter born 13/12/06.  A month later he was gone.

 

[lostwoher]

Good evening FAMILY,

 

Carol: such a sweet photo of Mike. Yes I agree, he does look like a big teddy bear that I would want to hug.

Lorrie: Nice blanket. Looking forward to seeing pictures after it has been 'Kourteyized' as well. She will certainly appreciate the love you put into it.

Kay: Im doing ok. Thank you for asking. Been in a bit of anger mode so Ive been keeping to myself so not to say the wrong thing and upset anyone.

Trudi, Trudi, Trudi: I sure dont know how you say the words you say but keep them coming. You always lift my spirits.

Marcia: I have yet to have a dream of Kayla either but will embrace it once I do. The nitemares have subsided so hopefully soon we both will get one.

Oh- dont even get me started on in-laws or family behavior. I always knew I had a disfunctional family but geez, come on already! What will it take for them to realize that I need them? I get more support from everybody here on BI and from co-workers so to hell with them I say.

Ok so this is long enough. Dont mean to leave anybody out but its my dinner time and I really need to eat.

Peace Love & Joy to ALL

Lynn