Loss of an Adult Child

December 6, 2008

I have known through the years 15-17 year olds as big as adults...so those sorting through clothes and shoes, and such, consider that what you have may very well fit a 15-17 year old... I'm from Illinois. We used to say, "They grow 'em big in corn country."

December 6, 2008

YES THIS IS TRUE MY BABY BOY IS 16 AND IS 223 AND 5 11 , AND WEARS 36'S SO IT IS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT WE CANT FORGET ABOUT THE KIDS KODYS AGE...I HATE TO THINK THERE IS A "KODY" OUT THERE THAT NEEDS A HOME:(

BUT I WAS THINKING LETS GET CHRISTMAS UNDERWAY WITH THE GIRT BOXES, AND KOURTNEYS KLOSET WILL COME...

AFTER ALL WE ARE ONLY HUMAN HUH...THANK YALL FOR BEING INTERESTED IM SO EXCEITED ABOUT IT.

December 6, 2008

Kathy - Love the picture of your fighting little man and his hair is growing back fast. I will be praying for your friend and her husband.

Dee - Glad you had such a nice dream of Eri. My continued prayers for Jon and Michael.

Lorri - Good Luck this weekend my prayers are with you and your friends family. I hope your job improves soon.

To everyone,

Thank you so much for being here I don't post that often but read each day and think about each and everyone one of you. You are such special people.

December 6, 2008

Hey Sonya, I hope that you are well, that the path is not too cluttered with the expectations of others. I think of you often and was happy to see the beautiful face of your Girl today when I logged in.

I have been a bit under the weather, though was unsure of what hit me, think it is migraines, though I have never been a migrainuer so I am a bit unsure of this. I went to the Eye Doc today to make sure there was nothing retinal going on, two weeks ago I had a blind spot for about 2 minutes and later on that same day I had the flashing lights in my peripheral vision in the same eye. Then Thursday I began a headache in my left temple, causing some nausea and it has stayed put since. It is painful and exhuasting. Anyhow, from what I read, I probably had an ocular migrain two weeks ago, and now a full migrain, could be hormonal, the hot flashes lately have been heavy. I will however follow-up with my Doc and ask her if an MRI is in order as the Eye Doc said to do. He said it may be wise to count anything more serious out. I told him that in the middle of the night when I am awake with this, I of course go to the worst scenario...so I will call on Monday to see what step is next. Anyone have experience with this?

I thought I would be out and about today doing the busy shopping thing, but the headache prevents it and I have no idea in the world of what to purchasse. It will be a slim Christmas. I have purchased clothing however, for the little girl in my class and for her big sister who is developmentally disabled. They both have winter coats, boots, and gear as well as pretty thermal underwear and some school outfits. I bought my little student a skirt and shirt and tights to wear to our Holiday Sing. She said she really wanted to wear tights, hadn't ever had any. So that is all good, and that feels like Christmas to me, and all the posts to assist with the wonderful work Claudia does, that is Christmas, and in fact, that is what I am giving my Husband. In his name and in the spirit of Eri, as that is what Erz and I did when she was here, shopped for others in his name.

Michael is home, talked briefly to Jonathan. He said his Dad cried very hard when he walked in the door, that it was hard for him to stop. Jon felt that Dad thought he would never go home again. I am feeling the sting of tears as I write this, I know he is both grateful to go home and scared that it is the last time. And so in the spirit of the season of light, may it shine on him, and on that house he shares with Jon, and shared with Eri, and may he embrace the beauty that surrounds him.

Peace in all we do,

Dee

December 6, 2008

I am passing this on as another way for us to share our hearts;

When doing your Christmas cards this year, take one card and send it to

this address. If we pass this on and everyone sends one card, think of

how many cards these wonderful special people who have sacrificed so

much would get.

A Great Idea!!!

When you are making out your Christmas card list this year, please

include the following:

A Recovering American Soldier

c/o Walter Reed Army Medical Center

6900 Georgia Avenue,NW

Washington , D.C. 20307-5001

If you approve, please pass it on.

December 6, 2008

Awesome Dee! I am so happy to hear Michael is home. I'm sure there are lots of things going through his mind. I hope he finds some peace and rest now that he can sleep in his own bed. Perhaps upon waking in the morning, he will carry a new hope, having made it through a night. One at a time..it's all that's manageable sometimes.

Thanks for sharing the Walter Reed address. What a great idea. I won't be able to send mail from here, but I will definitely forward that address to everyone back home.

I like the way you do Christmas! Blessings, Claudia

December 6, 2008

My thoughts and my heart are getting heavy as we inch closer to Christmas ....

Our neighborhood is starting to glisten with holiday lights and decor.

A neighbor called last night and was contemplating a neighborhood candlelighting on Dec. 14th. The night of the Compassionate Friends candle lighting. It touched my heart so that I couldn't speak for a few seconds.

I am having a Cookie Exchange and luncheon on Tuesday. That's about as holiday-ish as it's going to get at our house this year.

I really just can't get into any of this ...... my heart is screaming on the inside. I am so missing our boy. I'm having trouble sleeping again and find words to respond to the postings hard to come by.

My husband was talking the other night and he basically said that he knows and also feels sadness in the holidays without Jay. But...... he really wants to celebrate Christmas again one of these years. He misses Gingy in our tree and the joy in our house anticipating the arrival of family.

I understood and told him that I too want that ...... but, just not this year.

Please, just not this year ............

December 6, 2008

Oh Bonnie, it does not have to be this year, and I hope that your husband understands this, it will have to be when you feel it, when you know it will be a good thing, or when you know you want to see if it feels okay.

Tonight I switched on the tv, and on the IFC, Independent Film Channel, there was a movie called the Red Door, and it was about a Chinese family living in NY suburbs. Teh traditional dad and mom and the 3 daughters who were not, and how the Dad kept looking at old vcr's he taped of the girls as they grew. I wept as they showed little girls laughing, performing, and I really cried when one of the daughters was filmed ice skating. My goodness, it was as though those films were my children, replaying times from our lives. The man mourned his little girls, even though he had them near, he felt the inevitable pull away from home, from tradition, from the Dad and Mom. And while he did not lose what we have, it was about reconciling change somehow finding ones' steps in the face of change. And we do don't we? We find our way however difficult, and eventually, we stand tall. We ened the freedom to find our way, however curved or steep or long.

Love,

Dee

Claudia, I agree that it is a good and wonderful gift for Michael and Jon, to be home once again.

December 6, 2008

Claudia

Explained to my husband what I was sending the money for and told him if it is not OK that the $50 his Mom always gives me will go to your box. He said no way-I think that is fantastic. He said he would love to be doing what you are doing-makes more sense to him than just getting thru the days at his job here. He was excited to help like me in memory of Johnny. He felt Johnny is smiling about it...Thanks again for what you are doing. Makes my heart feel better.

Dee

I am so sorry about your headaches. Hope you get answers and relief. What a huge heart you have for your children(school and home). I love to read your posts. They give me comfort. Your dream post...well no dry eyes-that baby touch, smell.

Hope the best for Michael and Jonathon, too. Will keep sending them prayers.

Bonnie

I am trudging along thru your shoes. I feel EXACTLY as you do-just trying to get thru the holiday hub bub for my girls. I used to decorate everyroom including the bathrooms. Well, nothing here. All our neighbors houses are bright and ours is dark like I feel. One thing I did do was buy a bunch of blue and silver ornaments and ribbon. My husband said we have to put the tree up for the girls-he is not having the problem I am having with the holiday celebrating or decorating. So I bought all new and different colors than we ever had before. I just cant bear seeing the family ornaments or the handmade hand stamp ornaments by Johnny. This way I have no connection to the tree and I think I can deal with it. It is still not up though-I always did it before.

Emily is in a youth ballet performance in the Nutcracker this weekend and I am in charge of refreshments, decorating, etc. Anything to keep me busy and wear me out.

Need the distractions...We are really proud of her-since her brother she has really increased her dancing and practicing. She has 2 solos this time due to her dedication. We think it must be a good diversion for her.

I think your cookie exchange will be your distraction. It sounds like a fun activity and i think doing something different helps. Hope you have some fun with it.

Take care all and peace to you,

Kay

December 7, 2008

i guess it was aug of 07 i had our house painted on the outside, its dark charcoal almost black...looks nice....with a very dark almost black roof...(which is exactly how i feel)...no christmas lights here either...we will put up a tree but thats about it....i look down the street and everyone looks like we used too, so festive,,,,our house usually looks like a landing strip...i dont know if it will ever again..

we visit kourtney every day at the cemetary (we seldon miss)...getting ready to decorate there but not for christmas just red daisies and greenery to match her grave blanket...

boy do we need some prayer huh...all of us....

I MISS AND LOVE YOU SO MUCH KOURTNEY LYNN, IM NOT ALIVE WITH OUT YOU...

December 7, 2008

Dee, are you feeling better today? I'm wishing you well. My heart felt full to the brim when I read your words about Michael being home. Bittersweet to say the least. Sounds like your little student will have a lot to make her smile thanks to her teacher and her teachers big heart.

mamabetts, we miss you and know that you are working through the loss of your furry little best friend. It's still another loss and sets you back in your journey. Sending you strength!

Lorri, Do I spell your name right? We are approaching 20 months without Jason. The holidays this year have thrown me into a tail spin. I heard the clip from the movie that got Angelina Jolie nominated for a Grammy, where she yells, "I want MY son back". It brought tears to my eyes. The song, I'll Be Home For Christmas played in something on TV last night and I thought that if we could just have them with us physically once a year or so, it would help. I'm used to preparing for Christmas all year long and now, I have reminders all year long that he will NEVER be home for Christmas again.

I will get through this and it will get softer ......... at least that's what they tell me.

I'm thinking of everyone .........

December 7, 2008

Thanks Bonnie, my head still feels a bit odd, but it is better than yesterday. Yes, Michael being home is a tearful reunion of memory and hope and worry, all mixed together. I spoke to the silver moon last night as I was going to bed, and asked for its power and beauty to shine on him while he slept, to give him dreams of ERi to let him feel her presence because I know that would go a long way to easing some of his fears.

I asked the moon and all the powers of Heaven to dance across our hearts, all of us here at BI, and to help us face each day with some sense of hope, knowing that the holidays really batter us about. Let us reach into the full meaning of the Winter Holidays, and let us help that 'light' be shone everywhere we can, the lights of Heaven are made brighter by our Angels, let them be seen, heard, felt, known, remembered, and listened to. And please give us the strength to believe that in our deepest sadness, it will one day be softer.

I love you all,

Dee

December 7, 2008

Dee, I too am thinking of you. Please keep us posted on how the eye scan and battery of tests go. I used to manage a high tech optical equipment firm, and daily I would talk to many people and family members of people who were losing their sight. The importance of catching things early, and dealing with migraine issues too, can be the difference between recovery and debilitating. I am glad you are following good advice. Let us know...

Betsy, I am also sending hugs and wishes for comfort and peace your way. Love, Claudia

December 7, 2008

thanks all for the good wishes, I really am feeling much better right now, just not my usual energy level which is frustrating to someone that is almost always in motion. I have to work on my grades anyhow, Friday is report card day and so I am busy writing my comments online and hoping that I hit all the important pieces of each child. Joys and worries as with every child.

My heart,

Dee

December 7, 2008

Just a quick extra heavy duty prayer request;

Michael is on his way back to the ER as his eye has swollen shut, could be a fast moving infection, though he is on all sorts of anti-bioutics, so Jon is driving him to NOrthwestern right now. I know he is very scared that they will make him stay, he was just getting used to laying in his own bed, only had two nights the first of which he did not sleep well, but last night he did. So fingers crossed that he will be able to come home today again, with medicine for his eyes.

Please Lord, smile on this Man who has been bound by illness, let him find some freedom in these days.

December 7, 2008

You got it Dee ......

Prayers for Jon and healing ........ strength for those who love him.

December 7, 2008

I echo Bonnie's prayer...

December 7, 2008

Oh Heavens Everyone,

Michael is now dealing with a brain aneurism. Jon just called me crying from the hospital. I cannot help but wonder why he must suffer so many scares.

thanks for continued prayers, for strength, and for courage.

December 7, 2008

Dee,

Let's try to look for a silver lining to this storm cloud. They found it before it ruptured.

Praying that this aneurysm goes away .......

December 7, 2008

Oh Dee - my heart goes out to you and Michael and Jon - WHY? I find I use that word way too much!! Major prayers tonight for you and yours - I am so sorry. Hope your headaches are getting better - possibly stess??? Also thank you for the address to send a Christmas card to the recovering soldiers - will do so tomorrow.

No word so far this weekend on Debbie's husband - it is only a matter of time but God's time so we can only wait and pray - thank you to all of you for your prayers for my friend and her family.

Bonnie - so understand about "not celebrating" - many of you here are feeling the loss so much right now and the thought of bright lights and Christmas trees are on the bottom of the list - it is ok to do things when it feels right for yoiu. I too have been putting off decorating which is getting to Tavian so next weekend the tree will go up and we will decorate as he wants - it is about him this year and Jessica so loved Christmas.

Today was a very happy day for Tavian -we went to the firehouse for breakfast and to see Santa Claus - bought 6 50-50 tickets for him - he saw santa and was happy and then we came home and he got a call that he had won the 50-50!! 262 dollars, wow was he happy although he really does not realize how much that is - we went and picked it up and he has it in his bedroom in his nightstand. Then he went outside for a little while and came running in so excited as it began to snow and he finally lost his other front tooth that was hanging by a thread - he looked at me and said this really is my lucky day!!! He brings me such joy.

Question - do any of you think it is possible to lose your child and not have the pain of it really hit you until much later?? My husband has recently become very depressed, not talking, not happy and doesn't really want to do anything at all. When I try to talk to him about it he says he is fine but I have lived with this man for 35 years and know him very well. When we lost Jessica he seemed to push all of his grief way down deep inside and now it seems to be hitting him like a truck load of bricks - is it possible for him to really be beginning the grief process after 2 and 3/4 years of losing her?? I am not sure. Thanks for any info you can share.

I am thinking of all of you tonight, praying for Michael and Jon, praying for those of you who are having such heavy hearts through these holidays. One step at a time and let your hearts do what they must - we will all get through this together. LOL Kathy

Hey Trudi - I miss you my friend.

December 7, 2008

Dee - So many waves of emotion ebb and flow as Michael face one battle after another. May the life force of the Moon, stars and all around give energy to you and Jon and above all provide Michael with the much needed strength.

Bonnie - "I want my son back", shouted many a time in anger, in frustration but above all in love........

Micheal - Did you choose your time to go? Wish you had told me. I would have asked you to stay, to let me hold you one last time, tell you "I love you".

December 8, 2008

thanks Bonnie for bringing me back to my feet, there are silver linings and I usually don't ask Why. I feel lately that I am unable to quit wearing my worries like a cloak. I used to be able to and these last few months, not. I get so worried that I get tied up in knots, and I am no good for anyone when I am like this.

Kathy, thanks for the kind thoughts as well, and yes, I do believe your husband could be facing his pain now, he may not even know it. It could be that it is ooozing out, pushing forward and it could be that he feels helpless and confused. Perhaps the holidays have also brought it closer to the surface. How open is he to the thought of therapy? I will say prayers that he find a way to open up.

Trudi, thanks for your thoughts. I just wish I could lift Michael up into ERi's arms, let him feel her safety, take away his fear...in God's time is a good thing to remember.

Sleep everyone and thanks for letting me feel your hearts, I will settle down now and go to sleep maybe. We will see it through won't we?

Dee

December 8, 2008

Dee: I am so very sorry for this latest assault on Michael's body, and for the pain that Jon is suffering having to watch his dad and knowing there is nothing he can do...praying that Michael's body can withstand and rise above this latest attack, and that Jon will find the strength to be there for his dad...my heart goes out to him, and to you, also.

I've had a very emotional and stress-filled weekend...found out that Mike's oldest boy's (Chandler, 12) mom attempted suicide last week. She is bipolar and does not stay on her meds. This is her second break in just over 3 months. Last time she didn't attempt suicide: she walked almost 14 miles, in her bare feet, from her fiance's workplace to her home...in the pouring rain. I tried to talk to Chandler when he came over today to watch a movie with us, but I didn't want to say too much because I can't reveal that I know she attempted suicide, only that she was in the hospital again. He did talk a little about his feelings, but I am getting the impression that he thinks he needs to help her and may be taking on too much of the responsibility of her illness. My heart just breaks for him, but all I can do is offer my support and love, and tell him that we are here if he needs us. His other grandparents are also very supportive of him so he has four of us to turn to. This was the major reason for her and Mike's breakup of their marriage...she wouldn't go to the doctor and she wouldn't stay on her meds...we finally found out that she was actually beating Mike whenever she would go into a rage about something, and of course he wasn't going to hit her back, so it became a nightmare. And, being a guy, he didn't want to tell anyone that his wife was "beating him up." We didn't find out until they had to stay here for a couple of months and she let loose one night and we had to intervene, then it all came out. One time when they were at the mall, she got really angry about something that didn't go right and started attacking him there, and the police had to be called to stop her. After many attempts at counseling, Mike finally told her he couldn't live like that anymore, and he left. They eventually worked out an amicable agreement regarding Chandler, but unfortunately, she never got the help she needed. Of course, we've always kept a close eye out for any threats to Chandler's safety, but for some reason she's always been able to keep the motherhood part of her life fairly stable and has presented no threat to him. She's never hit him as far as we know, and we've kept a close eye.

On another note, as for the Christmas decorating, etc., we got a card from some friends we've known for over 40 years and they wrote in it "well, I guess you are very excited about decorating your new home for Christmas and likely going all out with it." All out? They don't understand, and I truly do hope they never do. The grandkids make it happen here, but if it weren't for them, I think I might be tempted to just inhabit the bedroom closet until January. When I start to think those thoughts, I can see Mike's face flash before me, and his eyes showing disapproval at my wayward thoughts of ducking out on Christmas. Step through that veil, Mike, and let me hold you one more time, see that smile, and hear your laugh...maybe then I will find the strength to feel the celebration and joy this season is supposed to hold. The pain is intense at moments throughout the day this season, more so than last year...and though I already know there is no answer, I still, as others here, am tormented with the question "why?"

Trying to end on a cheerier note, Sarah, Mike's wife, put their little one, Damon into a "JibJab dance" for Christmas, as a Santa's elf. I will try to insert the link here...once you click on the link, you don't have to click on anything else...it will start by itself. This is just SO him...I hope you enjoy it and it brings a smile to your face...

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/F31NZwJ8inewxUylYXJP

love to all, carol mikesmomrs

December 8, 2008

Carol - So sorry to hear about Chandlers mum. Its hard as the Grandparents to know exactly what to do, I guess, what we do best, just be there. I loved the Elf Dance.......smiles and tears as the 'disco elf' did his thing. Just brilliant.

Dee - I hope with all my heart that when the time comes Eri takes Michael by the hand. You know she is not far from him, watching over him and her brother Jon.

This past week has been another heart and soul destroying weeks. The Coroner sent us her "completed" findings. These included Mikes medical records & treatments over the past 3 or so years prior to his leaving.

Things I didn't know. He had been diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in the last 2 yrs, adding to his debilitation. He had also been prescribed large amounts of anti depressants and pain meds - 880 of the pain meds (morphine based) were dispensed over 6 months. Micheal had been to see his doctor once a month for those six months. Five days before he died the pharmacy dispensed 210 of pain meds and 100 anti depressants (tricyclics). His doctor had written the scripts 9 days earlier.

It goes on to say that the authority for Mikes doctor to precribe these meds ran out in Feb 05.

Needless to say my heart shattered and my breath left my body - its yet to return.

All the positives we as a family saw in Mike that Christmas and the weeks before his leaving were more of a final farewell. His last message was so up, so happy and left me with no idea that he was actually leaving us.....

Melissa (a nurse) has seen the final results. She is shattered. Steven doesn't want to know....it really doesn't change anything for him.

For the GP and the pharmacy, well apparently they will be asked to explain how this chain of events could occur, given Mikes history. For me, I have asked the same. It seems that this isn't a one off, many who suffer ongoing long term pain and debility are prescribed large amounts of drugs with what would seem to be no checks or followups........

Sorry for the dark thoughts - this is the one place I can type my heart out, tears falling, sobs hurting my chest.

Mike - I am sorry I missed the signs, the warning so obvious now. As hard as it is to lose you, how hard it must have been for you to want to go.....Always love you my son my son........

December 8, 2008

Oh, Trudi... I'm so sorry for the report you received today and how much that hurts. Things happen that make no sense, and we blame ourselves and feel guilty for things we think we should have caught or seen--the warning signs. But the truth is that if someone is determined to hide what ails them, they can be quite successful. Mike did the best he could with what he had to deal with, though you often wonder why he couldn't find his way to let you help them through it--it hurts so much. It's sad that druggists make it so easy for people to overdose or find trouble with mixing medications. It's also sad that the cautions of taking anti-depressants are not more fully monitored and discussed. Pain meds too. If beginning a movement to regulate better discernment with dispensing medicines and informing patients sees improvement in the system, then you likely will feel you need to take a stand. My friend, I pray for good discernment on your part as well, to know what to take up in fighting and what to leave on the table as to not drain you of what precious life and energy you have remaining. It's a most difficult situation, and one that no matter what, will not take away the pain of loss. In that I am so sad for you. But you will come through this too. I am praying for you and your family.

Kathy, I agree with Dee. Suppressing grief, maybe for the sake of being strong for you and Tavian very well could complicate your husband's grief. Delayed reaction, so to speak. Th eholidays also are a factor, as many people get the "holiday blues" for lesser reasons. Another issue is that your husband may be grieving "what used to be" for the two of you--more time one on one, more intimacy, his friend who is now preoccupied with being a grand-"mom", etc. He may just miss the way things were--and of course for the obvious reasons. Though he may not be as comfortable to open up to you, maybe you could find a quite time after Tavian is asleep and just confront him--citing that you recognize he is in pain, though he won't say. Express some of the questions into why--like the delayed grief, the missing "just the two of you", missing Jess, etc... He may open up, and if he does--wonderful for the two of you to share together openly. But if not, gently suggest that he consider talking to someone to help release what he holds inside. I pray you both find comfort in unity.

Carol, Yeah! Go figure that people just "assume" that you are in the same spirit as they during the holidays, not even considering how different loss has made things in your life. People just don't "get it". Like you, I'm glad for them, but it sure slaps us hard in the gut sometimes to be faced with their "luxury of not knowing".

Dee, I'm so sorry to hear Michael suffers more... You're all in my prayers!!

Bonnie...what can I say, Sister! Wish you were here for Christmas... a little slice of paradise in the world that always brings comfort and peace to me when I least expect it. Bless you! You're such a gentle spirit.

Hugs to all...many thoughts and prayers ~Claudia

December 8, 2008

IM NOT REAL GOOD AT QUOTEING THE BIBLE...BUT I HEARD AFTER OR WHILE KOURTNEY WAS PASSING AWAY..(WHICH I TOLD YOU WAS BEAUTIFUL, ,MORE BEAUTIFUL THEN HER BIRTH) BUT I HEARD

"TO BE ABSENT FROM THE BODY, IS TO BE PRESENT IN FRONT OF THE LORD"

AND WHEN I REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT I THOUGHT...NO WONDER SHE GLOWED AND LOOKED SO BEAUTIFUL, SHE WAS IN FRONT OF OUR GOD...AND HOW AMAZING THAT WAS THAT SHE GOT TO DO THAT, AND WE GOT TO SEE IT FROM THE OUT LOOKING IN... SHE WAS IN NO PAIN, SHE WASNT AFRAID....SHE WAS IN GLORY.....WHEN I LOOK AT HER WEDDING PICTURE (THE HAPPIEST DAY OF HER LIFE HER ON EARTH)....THAT MOMENT CAN NOT BE TOUCHED BY THE MOMENT SHE WAS WITH GOD...ITS ALMOST OVER WHELMING TO THINK OF ALL SHE SAW AND FELT....

BUT I JUST WANTED TO SHARE THAT WITH YOU, THAT MICHAEL FEELS IT, AND JON WILL SEE IT,,,,AND ALL OF OUR BABIES GOT THE SAME EXACT TREATMENT KOURTNEY DID, (IF YOU WERE THERE OR NOT) THEY WERE NOT ALONE, HAD NO FEAR, AND FELT NO PAIN....THEY TO WERE PRESENT IN FRONT OF THE LORD...

December 8, 2008

Trudi - My thoughts and prayers are with you as you deal with this new news. But like Steven it doesn't change the outcome. Your Mike loved you so much with his upbeat ways and could always make you smile.

Dee - My prayers will continue with for Michael and Jon and I also hope you are feeling better and make that follow up appointment for yourself.

Kathy - Your husband may have repressed his grief that what they have told me I'm doing. What does that mean I don't really know but your husband may also be griefing his father and Jessica together now which is really hard. I lost my grandfather a couple of months ago and my Mama is really having a hard time with Danielle's and her father's passing.

Carol - Poor Chandler having to be so grown up at only 12. And how very sad her his mother. I hope she gets back on her meds and stays for Chandler.

Bonnie - Christmas at my house is alo very dark no tree up yet but like Kathy I will this weekend put one up not the tree we had with Danielle. Good luck with the Christmas cookie exchange sounds like a good time with neighbors.

Sonya (Danielle's Mom)

December 8, 2008

Thank you for reminding me of that quote, My daughter was already gone by the time the hospital called me to "come right away". I did not want to go in to see her (body) until her father arrived... I knew her soul had left her body hours ago, but when he and I did go in together to see her, she was so sweetly sleeping, she was beautiful. After the autopsy, my girlfriend offered to he help with her hair and makeup, as the funeral home in our small community was not 'in tune' with teenagers and how fussy they are. When I first saw her at the funeral home, it broke my heart and I remember screaming, "that's not my daughter", oh my God no!!!!!!!!!!' She had no expression, no sparkle, she was truly gone...... It took me about a minute regain my composure and then my "mommy mode" took over, My sweet baby, we had to work to prepare her for her final party, she had to be perfect, her hair, her nails, her makeup... and when my girlfriend and i were finished with all the details, which included having to find a way to hide her full autopsy scars, which were hard for me to look at, initially, she was a perfect angel. The day of her services , she was a beautiful angel, the sparkle in her eyes and her 'apple' cheeks from her beautiful smile were not there, but other that --she was my sleeping baby again, for everyone to say their goodbyes to. We had a hard time deciding right up until the morning of the services whether or not to do open casket ... I could not bear not to see her as long as I possible could and to allow her friends to see her one more time. Several of her friends told me after the fact how beautiful she was , and that they were initially scared to go up and say goodbyt but after seeing her 'sleeping' they were able to stay longer and say a proper goodbye at her casket. I am going to copy this and post it also in the 'loss of a teenager' as I know some people dont read all the posts and that is really the place I should be posting. My hear goes out to all of you, thank you for you help!!

Marcia

December 8, 2008

I do agree Lorri and thanks for that. I was with ERica when she left, after 6 days in the hospital following the train on car collision. She was gorgeous, she was Eri with her eyes shut, hardly any of her injuries really showed in her face or body, it was her brain. She did look lovely, we all saw it, at first it made it difficult for her buddies to see that she was not coming home to us, rather home to God.

Marcia, your Girl is so beautiful, and no matter if you post here or there, post where you find most help or comfort. How old was your Daughter when she died? How did she leave? I am so sorry that you have found your way here, but I have found this place to be life affirming and a saving grace indeed.

Peace one day,

Dee

December 8, 2008

Dee, Bethany was 17 1/2 when she died, her heart stopped suddenly and they were not able to ever restart it. She had been out at a party with a girlfreind and was walking out to the car laughing and 'texting' at the same time, with her car key in her hand....she collapsed and 'she was gone' . I am thankful tht God took her before she got behind the wheel, we might never have known what happened to her and she would have certainly taken her best freind as well as possibly others with her in a car crach on the freeway. I do find comfort in the BI family, thank you all.

Marcia

December 8, 2008

I too have grateful heart that Erica did not have anyone in the car with her when she was hit, twice the pain.

You are a brave woman, and remember that even when you are not feeling as such. It sounds like you may have lost your Girl to a similar or perhaps same thing that two other Moms here have lost their children to. I am sure that your Daughter has spread much love during her short time, more than many spread during a long life, my heart to you, my prayers as well.

I do think trying something new would be good, only way you will see if it helps or hinders is to go throuh it.

Dee

December 8, 2008

Question - do any of you think it is possible to lose your child and not have the pain of it really hit you until much later?? My husband has recently become very depressed, not talking, not happy and doesn't really want to do anything at all. When I try to talk to him about it he says he is fine but I have lived with this man for 35 years and know him very well. When we lost Jessica he seemed to push all of his grief way down deep inside and now it seems to be hitting him like a truck load of bricks - is it possible for him to really be beginning the grief process after 2 and 3/4 years of losing her?? I am not sure. Thanks for any info you can share.

Kathy - Repressed grief I think can be the most debilitating. Our minds have this amazing ability to protect us from what may hurt us. We see what is right in front of us and we box it up out of the way so we can 'get on and do whats needed'. Barry like Mal has been in the emergency service for so many years. These guys do their jobs brilliantly. The downside is they have this ability to supress their emotions to epic proportions. The fallout from losing their beloved child is squared away, never to be released. The fear for many is letting go of what they and where that may take them.

The hardest thing is getting Barry to link in with someone or a group that can guide him through, giving him time and space. With Mal, we have a network of Peer Support. They link back into independant psychologists, counsellor etc.

Barry has lost a daughter, a father and for all intense purposes, like you, the life you planned in retirement. Thirty five years together, yet nothing prepares us for the life altering loss of our children.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both - May Tavians smile take Barry by surprise and allow him to share his load.

Marcia - I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl. Such a smile, those eyes. The way she was walking, texting then collapsed sounds so familiar. Has the medical profession offered any answers as to why?? The last goodbye is hard. I didn't think Mikes brother or sister would cope seeing their brother but seeing Mike 'sleeping' they were able to stay longer and say a proper goodbye. Will keep you in my thoughts.

Claudia Sonya - thanks for your kind words. I have begun writing to the Pharmacy and Medical Boards here, highlighting the last months of Mikes life. The Coroner has already raised her concerns with the governing bodies and an investigation has begun. I truly believe this is not a one off. The opportunity to raise awareness, educate and evoke change may in some way change the way things are done. For me it will honour my son.

Take Care all - Trudi :cool:

December 8, 2008

Dee, in saying "you do hope i try somthing new"... do you mean the BI group, yes they are postively helping me, although i find myself probably spenging too much time "looking" for the next post. I am unable to focus on my work, but I am the 'boss' so who cares, my sanity is the most important thing at the moment.

Marcia

December 8, 2008

Marcia,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Bethany is such a beautiful young lady. I'm glad you have found BI and post where ever you want to on both is fine. I have found great confort from theses Mothers and Fathers who walk this path before me and they will do a u-turn to come to your side.

I lost my daughter Danielle on Oct 10, 2007.

Sonya

December 8, 2008

Sonya, what a beautiful daughter, I love the 'ear-buds' I have Bethanys i-pod and want to start listenitng to it so I can feel close and 'share' her music, but have not begun that yet...one step at a time, please tell me the pain gets less as the first year goes by, it will give me something to look forward to, I try to hang on to 'seeing her again in heaven' but my faith is so challenged right now, it is hard to hold on to that. I hope it is true, i really truly do. I can't bear to think she is 'gone' forever....forever seems like such a long long time.

Marcia

December 8, 2008

Trudi,

You better believe it.Men are supposed to be the rock and many of us try to portray that to the world. We haven't many friends we can bare our souls to for fear of being a sissy. Or we just think we can handle it ourselves. With a loss like ours sooner or later it's going hit ya. So yes I do believe this could be hitting him now.

Greg

December 8, 2008

Trudi,

I'm really sorry about your latest news ...... I don't quite know what to say. I wish I could make this easier for you.

Lorri,

Have you heard the song, I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me. Your comments on what it was like for her on her "homecoming" day made me think of it. We played it at Jay's memorial service.

Part of my eulogy talked about, what was it like for him as he began his most sacred journey. I can only imagine.

Marcia,

I absolutely believe that I will re-unite with our son ......

I remember having a conversation and was asked if I truly believed I would see him again. I would have no hope if I didn't believe that with all my heart.

I don't consider myself religious, I do believe very deeply spiritually. And I have had "signs" that I have no explanation for at a time when I was almost begging for knowledge that Jason was okay ........

My heart filled when you talked about how you made sure that Bethany looked like she was sleeping. Jason also was autopsied. Did you have that conversation with the coroner's office asking all the questions? At one point, the lady made it sound like they were going to cut his legs off - I was in hysterics when she that she was only talking about the bones, they would replace them with some kind of prosthetic. And I remember when I saw him that he had this coiled tubing near the back of his neck. I've always wondered why. I think my husband knows but doesn't want to upset me by talking about it.

Jason was such a handsome young man and he truly looked like he was sleeping. He was teased about his "uniform", a white t-shirt and jeans. That's what he had on and they had a blanket pulled up over his arms to his chest. I guess this was to hide the autopsy scars that would show through his t-shirt.

I "can only imagine" your labor of love as you prepared your Bethany for her homecoming.

Blessings to you my sweet friend .....

Kathy,

I agree that grief can be delayed ........ would he consider counseling?

Time to bake cookies .......

Bonnie

December 8, 2008

OK ITS BEEN ALMOST 6 MONTHS BUT I JUST DID IT....I BOUGHT A SHADOW BOX AND NIPPED THE LIL FLOWERS THAT WE BOUGHT FOR HER CROSS BOUQUET AND PUT THE DAUGHTER RIBBON IN THERE AND NOW I CAN FINALLY HANG THE CROSS AND GET RID OF THE STAND IT WAS ALL ON....SO SIMPLE JUST DIDNT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT..LOOKS NICE

December 8, 2008

Hello to all and thank you for the words to help me better understand what to do about Barry.

Greg - thank you and I do agree so much with the "men are the rock and they portay that to the world" and also "not many friends to bare your soul to without looking like a sissy". My husband has always been the "rock" and the one true friend that he had for almost 17 years has moved on with his life, divorced, new girlfriend, etc so they have lost alot of what they once had. We have alot of friends but the men can't seem to talk as we women do and I do not mean that in a bad way. Barry has always had a hard time communicating his feelings, never thought it was neccessary to talk about "feelings" like I do. He is a wonderful man and I would not trade our life together but this is a real tough one to get through. He spent the first year telling me I needed to stop "pondering" on what should have been, could have been, and that I needed to let go of Jessica and move on with my life and now I feel as though I am reaching a point where I can think of Jessica and not fall apart, remember and smile and he is the one who is going backwards and I just so want to help him yet he just keeps telling me he is fine, nothing is bothering him and when I tell him what it is like between us and try to explain to him what it is doing to our family I just get silence. I have asked him to at least try therapy or talk to our doctor about a medication that might help and he said "so you think a pill is going to make it all better?" and walked away. I will not give up on him - I just pray I am there when he takes the fall that I know is coming. Anyway, thank you for your input and for letting me ramble.

Trudi, my dear friend, thank you for thinking of me when you are in such pain yet again. The waterfall of tears when I read your post and knowing that you have once again been trown back into the black abyss!! Your dear sweet Micheal knows how much you love him and we all know that if there was any way for us to have saved our child we would have done so without thought or hesitation so believe in your love for Micheal and his for you. He wraps you in his arms and although we cannot always "feel" it they are always with us. I wish I could take some of the pain away but being overloaded with my own I can only keep you close to my heart.

Sonya, Claudia and Dee - thank you too for your words and if I can get Barry to agree to therapy it would be great. Yes, there are times when we both are weary of this journey and what has been dealt to us but I for one am blessed to have Tavian in our lives - we had three years alone together after Jessica moved out and they were wonderful, the time together precious and we got to know each other all over again - we need to be thankful for what we had and what we have now. I spend alot of time with Tavian because he needs me as Barry does not seem to be able to be with him as he was, he has stopped doing things with him like he did and I am very concerned about it. When I mention to Barry that Tavian asks me "how come pop-pop doesn't want to do anything anymore?" Barry just looks at me and says nothing. I am afraid for him as the fall is coming and I need him to get help before it happens. I am going to try a good sit down with him and really talk so wish me luck and say a prayer.

Marcia - the words you spoke "that is not my daughter" sent me into a tail spin! Those are the same words I spoke the first time I walked into the funeral home for her wake - it could not possibly be my daughter there - where was her beautiful smile and contagious laughter!!! My Jessica too died instantly without warning while out to dinner with friends - she died of ARVD. Can you tell me a little more about your beautiful daughter??

Carol - jibjab!!! Did that with Tavian as Santa's elf doing a country song - it is the best and he laughed so much - so cute.

Did some decorating tonight with Tavian but my heart is not in it this year - I keep looking for Christmas but I cannot seem to find it - in my heart I just want to go forward to January but must play my part for Tavian - his eyes sparkle with each little decoration we do so how can I not make his dreams come true even though mine are shattered.

So, I called my mother-in-law tonight to talk and see how she is doing, told her that Barry was having a hard time between his dad and Jessica and her response was "well we all need to move on, cannot live in the past as it just makes no sense and it just makes everyone else miserable!!!!!" - I said "well, I guess everyone grieves differently" and then I gave the phone to Barry. I honestly was so angry that she could say those words and WELL, THAT IS JUST TO BAD IF I MAKE ANYONE MISERABLE BECAUSE I MISS MY JESSICA AND I AM NOT LIVING IN THE PAST BECAUSE MY JESSICA IS MY PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE!!!! Wow, that felt better, thanks for letting me get that out. I just cannot believe how some people, especially family can say such things - people never cease to amaze me.

My friends husband passed away yesterday - the one who found out he had cancer just a month ago. Another funeral to attend and my heart is simply overwhelmed.

Thank you all for letting me go on and on - I needed it sooooo bad tonight. Take care my friends and talk soon. Kathy

December 8, 2008

Lorri, I will share with all of you something that we did that helped me ..... Bethany was a senior in High School and Homecoming was three weeks after she died. The senior class always makes a float and the kids dedicated it to her, I had given them all of the ribbons and a large butterfly made of silk from all of her flower arrangments. There were SO many. .. I had a stack of condolence cards that must have been almost a foot high, we live in a small town and I think that every store in town must have been sold out of cards, they just kept coming, every day the mailbox was full of them. I read them and stacked them in a huge pile on the mantel. Well, after the Homecoming parade our fire dept watches over a giant bonfire that is held in a big dirt field for the kids, they announce the float winner and also play loud rock and roll musc and anoounce the homecoming king and queen. We took almost all of the condolence cards to the bonfire, I had them tied up with a yellow ribbon from one of her plants and wanted to throw them in the fire. The fire chief welcomed the idea but had one of his firefighters in full fire attire( smoke suit ??) take them apart from the stack and walked around throwing them in for us until they were all gone..... we couldnt get that close to the fire without being burned. I didnt plan on the newspaper doing a story about it, but like I said we are in a small town, and that too ended up in the paper. I didnt think i would ever want to read the cards again....i kept a few with very profound quotes in them, thinking i would paste them up on the mirrors in the house and they would help me 'get by ' but I have yet to do that. the remaining cards still sit in a smaller pile on the mantel.

Bethany would have been at that bonfire, she went every year......and I know she was proud that we honored her by being there, and that her friends did as well by having her on the float.....It was so sad and so sweet all t the same time...I cant let her be forgotten.................

December 8, 2008

Kathy, I am just about 'done' for the evening, I have been here all day, rather than to go over the details of my daughters death again, ( for the sake of the others) I think if you only look at my posts, you will see how I came to be here, I have only posted a dozen times or so, but she died from sudden death, she had a heart murmur all her life but it never slowed her down and the only restriction her cardiologist ever gave her was no scuba diving. The cardiologist reviewed the autopsy report and could not find any reason at all for her sudden death... she said the murmur gave her a 2% more chance of sudden death than I have with a perfect heart.....well not perfect anymore, broken into a million pieces. Your relatives sound like my in-laws , Bethany has only been gone for about 10 weeks now and none of my in-laws have even called to see how I am doing, I think they have called my husband once to check on him. I think sometimes they just dont love as deep as 'we' do.. that is my only explaination for such a lack of sympathy.

Thank you for reaching out to me, I really appreciate all the friends I know I will keep in my life forever.. welcome.

Marcia

December 8, 2008

Marcia, I am sorry, when I said that you should try something new, I was actually referring to another new-to-grief Mom, who said that she and her husband will be going somewhere for three days as being home for the first Christmas without their child just seemed too painful. I think that I mixed you two up and I am sorry. Though as I said in reference to where you post messages, wherever you feel most comfortable is where you should be. I think there are a few other parents whose Children were young adults and post in both. I think it is cool that you have your Daughter's ipod and will be able one day to listen to what she was listening to. Do you have much contact with her buddies?

Trudi, my goodness you have been deliverd a painful batch of news. I am so sorry that you must now face another aspect to Mike's death. I agree with others here who say that your love is wrapped around him, was always and will always be like a blanket, just as his is wrapped around you. He loves you beyond measure, and be assured that you did not let him down. Perhaps in this news there will indeed be a chance for righting a system that has done so much damage. My prayers and hope for strength and change.

Kathy, it sounds like your husband really is struggling. I am sorry that at this time, when it is already so overwhelming with the holidays, that you are even more stressed with his withdrawing behavior. The expectation that he had of you in that first year was unrealistic, and perhaps his thinking he was not going to crash was also unrealistic. It does sound as though he is withdrawing in response to something, afraid of the memories that Tav might evoke? Feelings of guilt that he can't join in with Tavian? I will pray that he finds away to get in touch with what he is going through, and to let you know what it is he is feeling. I think i would tell him that you do not believe a pill will make it all better, and that is why you suggested therapy first. Prayers Kathy, and even though you did not want to decorate this year, Tavian will wake up in the morning to the placement of items that you and he decided upon. This helps him go forward.

Update on Michael; Jon said that the doctors feel that Michael's eye issues are not from the anyerism, rather something else going on and they were going to do another spinal tap to see if there is cancer in his fluid. I asked Jonathan how he was today, and he said, "Mom, I am so sad. Dad is so sad" and so this is the state of things today. I pray that Michael finds peace. It is 5 years and 5 months ago that Erica was struck. At this point in the night that dark rainy night in July, I was riding in the car on the way up to Kalamazoo knowing that Eri was going to leave. And so my beautiful Daughter, take your Daddy's hand.

December 8, 2008

Kathy, I do have regular contact with a couple of her really good friends, we meet for coffee on Tuesday nights and talk for hours about 'just stuff' sometimes we dont talk about her hardly at all..... just getting to know them on her level makes me understand why she could talk for hours and hours to her friends about nothing at all..... i had forgotten what it was like to be a teenager, the last year she grew up alot and preferred her friend to being home with mom and dad watching tv.. go figure.. she was living every minute, I sometimes believe she knew ( in her spirit-not physically) that her time her was coming to an end and she must fill every minute with worthwhile things/memories , she never ever was one to sleep in.... some teenagers can sleep the day away- not her, she was up at 7:30 or 8 and ready to take on the day.....I am setting a goal to live my life more full as she did, not with all the stuff that doesnt matter....like right now I am very far behind in my work, we have just relocated our office and my house is a disaster, I want to simplify life and take time to really enjoy every minute of it..............somehow I think that if i can rid my life of all the 'crap' it will be easier to find the 'new normal' I hope that makes sense.....

My thoughts are with you all.... my prayers are with you and your family.

Marcia

December 9, 2008

Dee,

I will keep Michael in my prayers and he find peace. I know it would be terribly hard on your son to see his father so sad and in pain. I will pray that you have a peaceful night and wonderful dreams of your beautiful daughter. Brent's birthday will be coming on Thurdsay and we are heading to Evansville to celebrate his twin brother's birthday. It is so hard to have their birthday on the same day. It was such a blessing to have two handsome boys but it is so bittersweet in this journey. I bought a eternity candle for Brent's grave and plan to light it in celebration of his birth before we go to Evansville. I took today off of work just to decorate my house because I could not do it this weekend, I was just stuck. I am ready for my grown children to come home and see that mom and dad are "okay" and ready for their Christmas. I do wish at times we could just go away from November until January but I have to be here for my other boys. My husband always says the other boys need us. Which is true but oh so hard at times. Lana

December 9, 2008

Marcia, Just so you know, you can post Bethany's/Your story as many times as you want to and in as many ways as you want to, and we all understand and don't mind how many times or ways we read it. Don't ever feel like you have to hold anything back here. We are the ones who will never limit you in sharing your daughter or your pain.

Lana, I got you re-mail and thank you. You are especially heavy on my heart right now, with Brent's Day coming up. I know how hard that is for you. It may be nice to get away with the family and maybe have some distractions to focus on for a while, no? My heart aches for the conflict you must face on that day, as you said with one here and one gone, and the day never being the same. Nothing is... but it can be good again, some day, in time...

Dee, I am praying for you, and especially for Jon and his daddy. Poor Jon is so young and so much pain and loss already... Hugs, Claudia

December 9, 2008

Today, it is 1 month and 11 days since Ethan’s left us – We till cannot call our son ‘dead’ we talk about the accident….and our friends and loved ones know and understand…I did not choose this journey…it chose me…..so I am not familiar with what I am feeling, what I should answer people …when they ask the weirdest questions……Yesterday…in the supermarket, an acquaintance ask my me “Are you guys over the worst now?”….I wanted to scream…Which part is the worst part…..but we have lot of counseling and we are well prepared for the questions and the comments that will come…or so I hope..*smile*

Claudia: I get so much strength from reading your postings…Thank you for saying/writing just what I need to hear at that moment – I pray that God will use you to comfort those on this journey and the ones still coming –

Marcia: My dear friend…for us it is still so new….but whether it’s new or old…it is the same pain….I will be there…even if I am almost 14000 kilometers away – I am with you

For me, peace has become pain, joy has turned to ashes, and love is a is just a longing. I am still "in" this world, but don't feel a part "of" this world anymore. Because as hard as I try to continue and adapt to the new normal….the harder it becomes…to do that.

Currently we are so preoccupied with the emptiness at home and in our daily lives that we probably wouldn't notice if a fire burned our house down….Ethan still occupies our every thought – 24 hours a day – we think about him, we talk about him, we misses him…every minute of the day….You go to work, but rush home, because you are afraid something might happen (I do not know what) and that you will miss a moment.

Ethan really lived to the fullest – He played soccer, he did swimming, he loved water sport…. but he’s overall passion was bicycles, motorbikes and quad bikes – He was Wild at Heart – If I have to count the times when we had to rush to the emergency room of hospitals…it will be a lot of times….Ethan had an accident every 2^nd month….minor accidents of course with he’s stunt bike or mountain bike….but never with his Quad…..He went on a school camp about 3 months ago – 24 children were taken on a tractor with a trailer to the dam – one child falls of…Ethan of course…luckily he was not hurt – just bruised –

He loved music…he could beat box like a pro…to the amusement of all children in the complex (We live in a Sport complex). He was the play station champ…very competitive….even in school…He was sweet naughty….boy naughty….did the funniest things….Two months ago he met this lovely girl his age – that became his very first girlfriend…or so I think *smile*…Muffin…when I see her…I get a warm feeling in my stomach…He was such a funny child….always the centre of attention…..

We as a family have decided not to attend any social events or family gatherings if we do not feel like it….My cousin got married this past Saturday…We went to church…and then we went to eat a pizza…just the four of us….we did not attend the wedding celebrations…..as we were walking through the mall we laughed and giggled and talked about Ethan….and sometimes we would catch ourselves laughing out loud for something he did, or said….It was a good day for us…we realized that as a family…we will one day smile again….We owe it to him to smile again…..

All my love to all of you…May God bless you abundantly..and fill you with peace.

Your friend in Africa

Ethan’s muffin….Enid

December 9, 2008